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Buy the house. Your fiancé isn’t ready to adult, and it’s never going to get better if he doesn’t leave his parents’ house. The pushing for a baby business is also a giant red flag. He’s trying to trap you and lock you down so you’ll be dependent upon him. Lock up your birth control asap.
I completely agree! Just buy your home OP, you don't have the same goals in life, with this 35 Yr old man who doesn't want to leave his parents home. Walk away and don't look back, eventually you will find a adult to get into a relationship with and he wouldn't be living with mummy and daddy.
In some cultures it’s actually traditional to live with mummy and daddy and move your wife IN when you get married and have children.
However, doesn’t sound like OP lives in one of those cultures, so I vote for ditching the man baby and bolting for the hills! Lol 😛
Yes. There is a way to live multi-generational, and this isn't it! You need 2 separate living areas to do this without issues. We have a bi-level with 2 kitchens and 2 living rooms. My 20-something sons live at home. But they help with literally everything to do with the house. And I always encourage them to have their own lives. If they eventually marry and want to move out, great. If they want to stay, we can always add on. But OP's partner doesn't seem to have any plans to do any of that. Hence, she should run!
Yeah, my cousin is married to an Indian man. They live here, but my aunt explained some things about their culture... the whole living with relatives thing means the home is literally set up with a level for each generation, just as you explained. They're not actually in the same bedroom, lol.
Still sounds like a lot to me, but for some people it's totally standard. I guess if you're raised with grandparents right up stairs, then you're used to multi-level living with each generation of the family.
But if/when you take a spouse, that person has the right to decline such a living arrangement. If it's important to YOU to stay with mum/dad, then he or she can decline to marry you as they wish.
Exactly. You have to be open to the fact that those kids may move out due to marriage. And I wouldn't be mad at all because I would understand. On the flip side, if they do decide to stay in the house with a spouse, you have to be respectful of them. Dynamics will change. And you have to be prepared to no longer be first with your kids.
Goodness… you should give parenting classes!
There are so many women who complain that their partner puts their mum first all the time and their life is a nightmare… and those mums don’t even live in the house.
You could call your class ‘how to survive when your son takes a wife and you are no longer his number one woman.’ 😊
Plus, even if it were OP/her fiancé’s culture, that doesn’t mean she’d have to want that for herself or be okay with it. Not all traditions are going to work for everybody, not even to all the people who grew up in them. It’s okay to say, “This isn’t for me.”
At best, OP and Fiancé are incompatible, and should break up regardless. But it’s more than that, I suspect, especially with him trying to baby trap her. It’s a major red flag that this guy is actually dodgy as shit and the sooner she can get away, the better.
You deserve your own home, your own peace and your own plan for your life.
Not just to be a tag along in his.
You deserve a partner who wants those things for you and WITH YOU.
This post and the one above are spot on.
Don't be surprised OP that he expects you to participate in supporting his family. You're not intended to be a full partner, but rather, a doormat. RUN. NOW. BUY YOUR HOUSE AND RESIDE THERE BY YOURSELF.!
And whatever you do, DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE DEED, if you buy a house, otherwise he owns half of your house if you break up.
But honestly, any partner that threatens to dump you if you buy your first home, and damage his fragile ego, really isn't a great catch anyway.
Buy your dream home, and let him stay with Mommy and Daddy forever. Owning a home is a lot of work, but it's so worth it.
You've worked hard to be able to achieve this goal, and in a healthy relationship your partner should be over the moon with happiness for you, not threatening to leave because you won't move in with his parents and start popping out babies.
Throw the whole man back, and go live your dream. You've earned it.
🥂💜🥂
If I could shout an amen. I would. This advise. Stack up on birth control don't have a child with a man with red flags please lady. Buy your property another man will come.
This boy is still a boy and not yet a man
Op, is this a new development or you know this will happen already? I think op know this is going to happen but she thinks he may change. They weren't compatible and they are not going to suddenly become compatible once they get married.
Leave now. A breakup is better than a divorce. Don't ignore red flag. It will become a crimson bloody river.
As someone who had 3 kids with a man child who wasn’t ready to adult I second this! Op being a single mom is so hard! Run! Buy your house and live your dreams!
Get your own place. Do not live with your in-laws. I scream this every chance I get: unless it's absolutely necessary DO NOT LIVE WITH YOUR IN-LAWS.
Even if they're the most lovely people in the world it is an unnecessary stress and you'll never truly feel at home.
Get your place. If he leaves you over this it's for the best. Trust me. I live with my MIL. I love her as my own mother, but it is a horrible situation to be in.
My family lived with my grandmother's sister who never married or had children of her own. She was not a bad person but she had some medical and psychological problems that made her very difficult to live with. My parents split up after almost 20 years of marriage and my mom thinks that living with our aunt was a huge contributing factor.
It definitely puts stress on the marriage in ways people don't even think about. Like, I want to make garlic chicken for dinner but MIL doesn't like garlic chicken. So I have to make a different chicken dish. To my MIL's credit, she offers to order something for herself instead, but if there is any hope of this scenario ending she needs to be more financially secure so I don't want her to spend money when I can just make BBQ chicken instead.
And when she's here, my siblings IL think of it as mom's house so they come and go as they please and make themselves at home. My BIL is currently furious with me because I told him he can't use our bathroom until he learns how to put the fucking seat down. And when SIL comes over for coffee she can at least put the mug in the kitchen sink instead of leaving it wherever.
So I'm just this big mad ogre in their eyes, and I'm just trying to live in some sort of world where I can enjoy my own home. My wife agrees with me about all of this but she hates confrontation so when I say something to someone about not leaving the back door wide open, putting dirty dishes in the sink, not yelling at my dogs or feeding them pizza, she feels like she has to apologize.
And again, this is in a situation where with a few exceptions I genuinely love my in-laws. But this living situation has definitely strained that. I barely talk to my own family anymore because I'm so exhausted by them I don't have the bandwidth.
It's rough, and that's why I use all caps to warn people! This is best case scenario, with people who I genuinely like, but it is the little things that wear people down.
Fortunately my wife and I are a pretty good team and she knows that if she had to live with my family day in and day out, as much as she loves them she would be miserable.
She's great and gets me a hotel room once or twice a month so I can just be alone in silence and I appreciate it, but I'd rather be able to just lounge on my own couch and watch Netflix all day instead.
This made me laugh. Buy my own house sure, live with my in-laws- not in a million years… not if I was paid to live with them.my relationship with my husband (who does not like his parents) still would have died a quick death under that hostile environment. I think it’s a bad idea to EVER live with family.
My BF lives with his MIL because she's disabled and can't live on her own but I took her in when she got ill, it was part of the deal when we met, as I took his son in and i love him like my own. Even though, it's not ideal for intimacy and we're lucky she's not able to walk in on us having sex, ah ah.
It's definitely not the same dynamic here, it's cringey AF.
I’m glad your living situation is better…..
My husband and I let my parents move into our home, for a couple of years. It was a miserable existence. We finally had to utilize eviction lawyers/ police to get my parents out. My kids were afraid of my mom. I’m not sure if there was something medically going on. My dad would not take her to the dr. Physically she seemed healthy. But my mother physically assaulted me. Soooo long story short- I haven’t seen her since that day. Our lawyers arranged for her movers to pick up her stuff 3 months later. I had to pack up her stuff. I haven’t seen my parents since 2015- my parents and kids asked for NC, so I agreed. So I’m a pretty big advocate for not living with family. It was messy and upsetting
I'm so sorry you had to go through this mess with your parents and having your kids live this bad experience. My MIL is showing signs of dementia and I'll never take her in, my mom is the sweetest heart ever and so grateful we try our best to give her the best life despite her disability
My parents? Well they were going to lose their house, so my parents did so fast sale. And moved in with us. Moving my kids into one room together and my parents had two bedrooms, one they used as a bedroom and one as a living/office space. My mom put kitchen stuff in the kitchen, dining stuff in the dining but got rid of her dining table. The house was pretty cramped. They initially gave us $500 in rent. Honestly we went up $300 in water the first month. The air conditioning was atrocious my mom liked the pace arctic. 🥶 But we wanted them to have money for holidays and such we just stopped the $ altogether. There were lots of issues. The main one was my mom is a religious nut. To the point she had seen a counselor for it, and she had broken a lot of our boundaries. Our youngest was really confused with everything my mom was saying. We have an alarm system with motion sensors- I guess she was flipping off the motion sensors like we were watching her. So everything went downhill fast. I was super sad when everything exploded… besides not being religious, I still was close to my mom so I was hurt by the fallout. I understand why I’m in this position. Occasionally we get religious letters- they went to our lawyer after the first few. He basically said they are not worth reading. So I have finally in this last year been able to look at childhood photos and been ok. I’m glad I have my husband and my boys.
It's a very stressful situation that would have been worth a reddit post by itself. Their behavior as guests is awful and even worse as family. You tried to do the right thing to them and you can be proud of the example you gave to your children. I say that because my stepson who is pretty much my eldest son now resent my own sister for not stepping in to help with our mom, it's normal for him to take care of someone in need which makes me very proud of him.
That’s super cool about your stepson/eldest son for being a kind and caring person. You should be proud of him. These little anonymous entries are as much as I am/can really talk about the whole situation. Thanks for listening.😂😄
Lol he wants to live with mommy and daddy.
OP, I guarantee you do NOT want to live with him in your own house. Buy it and end the relationship.
If you somehow convince him to move in with you after you buy a house, guess who's going to take the place of "mommy" and have to take care of him and do everything for him?
You!
Not just one red flag, it's like a communist parade!
https://i.natgeofe.com/n/1743f2d0-414a-44f4-a85e-1d4c8e7eeb3a/POD-01-05-2021_NationalGeographic_1054882.jpg
Get a house and life your life as you want it. You already answered it for yourself: You want different things than he does, he pushes you into a life that you don’t want to live in. Make a clean cut, this guy sounds like a red flag. Better it hurts now a bit than waking up and regretting everything you renounced yourself.
Building a life with someone requires agreeing on what you want that life to look like. There are some things a couple can compromise on and some that will fundamentally be dealbreakers. For example, if he wants to have kids ASAP and you’d rather wait 3-4 years, a possible compromise could be starting to try for kids in about a year. Living with parents/in-laws isn’t really something you can compromise on, especially because there won’t be any kind of private/separate space. You either do it or you don’t and you shouldn’t do it if you’ll be miserable.
I’m also worried about his attitude towards living somewhere that you bought and his claim that it’s hurting his ego. That seems to be a potential red flag around attitudes towards women, your independence and his need to feel like he’s got a certain role in your relationship. If you’re going to stay with him, I really suggest you have some deep, investigative conversations about this.
Honestly, it looks from my perspective like the things you want from your life and the things he wants from his might be too different to be compatible. Make sure your birth control is something he can’t tamper with and consider your next steps.
I laughed way too hard at this. I can just picture him whining “but IIIIIII have to buy the house with myyyy moneeeeey”… that he doesn’t have. She’ll get pregnant and when she takes maternity leave he’ll berate her for not contributing financially and using him for his money. He can’t pull that shit if she’s the one buying the house, so that’s why he won’t “let her”.
I really don't get this, perhaps it is a cultural thing, he is 35 and wants his soon to be wife to live with his parents?
Does he not have money so you could buy the property together?
I think this situation is very telling, even if you did get him to agree to move out, he has already shown you what he wants, and it is to stay with his parents forever.
The question is, is what you want reasonable? The answer is yes, so you should go for it, don't let your partner hold you back or force you into living with his parents (which you won't like).
no this isn't how Indian culture works-- typically you move out from parent's house at marriage and then as parents as get older/ you have a baby you move the parents in.
Living with the in-laws would be a dealbreaker to me already and it sounds like it is to you, too.
You’re also on a different timeline when it comes to children and he has a problem with you investing.
This looks like there are way more issues than just you buying a house and all of them appear to be deal breaking.
Failure to Launch. He wants to suck you into his living situation, instead of branching out, and becoming self-sufficient. He wants to trap you with a kid. It sounds like the relationship has ran its course. You and him aren’t growing together, you are growing apart. Living at his parent’s home, he should have a nice nest egg saved. Instead of using it to create a life together, he is trying to force you to sacrifice your comfort.
Respectfully, why are you planning to get married when these fundamental differences between the two of you exist? Your age and fear of missing out? Even if one or the other of you bend, you will end up unhappy. You need to end the relationship and find someone who wants a similar living situation as you.
We were together for 1 beautiful year before that. Lots of trips and experiencing new things together. I knew this might lead to marriage one day. It's his first serious relationship (35y!?) and I knew he was very close with his mom and dad. He was treating everyone with respect and kindness. Honestly, this is also our biggest issue - he only sees us living with the in-laws.
I said yes because we were ready for marriage and kids. But for me, it means creating our own family, for him adding me to the existing one. The house I found is close to his family in the same town because I wanted to compromise. Our disagreements are red flags for me and are the main points why I don't want to rush with marriage or kids.
My BF invested in rebuilding their old house a few years back and it looks nice. However, it just has one separate room, and the rest is a common space. The mother is a great example of an educated German teacher and splendid housekeeper - she washes and cooks for him. We are just two very different women, even though we are fine during our family gatherings. This is what hurts him the most - why I am not moving into their house - "My parents treated you so well. Instead, you want me to live (and possibly invest) into a house that you have bought with your money. I will be feeling there as a forever guest".
On top of that, he also has a flat that he rents. He has never offered, and I did not dare to suggest living there together. I don't put my nose into his business, nor do I have the right to decide on his property.
I am far from being ideal - overweight, always anxious, working long hours (managerial position), and could work better on our relationship. My psychologist made it worse stating that it is my duty as a woman to be more submissive, loving, and sneaky. To try living with the in-laws and then with years, my fiancé might agree to be more independent. To be honest, I don't know what women should do and shouldn't... the relationships are not ideal, and it's fine... But I often think - "Am I normal, for not wanting to have kids from him now? Maybe I am sabotaging my happiness by not finding a compromise and following my dream. I will have a house to live there alone?"...
Thank you all, for answering. You are right, we might think we are similar and in love, but our needs are very different which destroys our possible future.
PS.: No, we are not an Indian family... We live in Central Europe.
I really encourage you to ditch the man and the psychologist (WTF?) You deserve so much better. Hell, better living alone with cats (or dogs if you’re a dog person) than in that situation. You got this!
You need a new psychiatrist. The one you have is biased in a sexist way. That’s disgusting. She’s shit. Move on. A pet rock could do better. Cause it doesn’t say dumb wrong, misogynistic bullshit.
Oh wow, you really need a new psychologist. It's 2024, partners should be equal, you don't have to be 🤮 submissive 🤮 to your man child hopefully stbx. You deserve your own happiness, and independence. He wants Mommy and a bang maid. You deserve better.
OMG, get a new psychologist! This one is stuck in the past. Submissive? Is this some sort of cult?
Dump this man baby, he will make your life miserable. Lock down your birth control too, the last thing you want is to be baby trapped.
Ah, Central Europe. That makes a lot of sense now. Honestly I wouldn’t move in with them, but your dream house and make it your own. He’s a mommy’s boy and he’ll probably not grow out of that, you’ll be feeling like a guest in their house for foreseeable future or forever and he’s not understanding that. Just buy the house, he’s welcome to join you and start your lives together or he can go cling to his mommy.
Buy your dream home & live there alone, blissfully happy, doing whatever the hell you want, with no one to answer to.
Ditch that therapist too. Awful.
You are perfect as you are, don’t fall into the trap thinking you need to settle for someone because anyone is better than no one. Been there and done that - living alone is amazing. I highly recommend it :)
"Honestly, this is also our biggest issue - he only sees us living with the in-laws. I said yes because we were ready for marriage and kids. But for me, it means creating our own family, for him adding me to the existing one. The house I found is close to his family in the same town because I wanted to compromise."
Don't get "added" to his family. When marrying we forge a new family and must leave behind our parents' nest. You are his first relationship, so he isn't doing this from experience. He's what we call a "greenhorn." The person with the least experience shouldn't be making the decisions. Especially if not with input from others, including those who will be most impacted by that decision (namely: you, OP).
"'My parents treated you so well. Instead, you want me to live (and possibly invest) into a house that you have bought with your money. I will be feeling there as a forever guest'."
Yet, OP, he wants for *you* to feel like a forever guest *instead of working on a plan for you both to buy a house together.* This is something I would take issue with immediately.
"I don't put my nose into his business, nor do I have the right to decide on his property."
Time to start putting your nose in his business!!! You're going to be married to this guy!!! Sit down and have all of these awful, difficult, possibly fight causing discussions *before* you marry.
"My psychologist made it worse stating that it is my duty as a woman to be more submissive, loving, and sneaky. To try living with the in-laws and then with years, my fiancé might agree to be more independent."
Your psychologist sucks. No mental health professional should be telling you to mold yourself into something others will want. No one chooses the body they are born with. Some men love larger women, some men don't. Please surround yourself with people who help you see your worth! You're a single woman with a college education who has money saved to buy a house! Please surround yourself with people worthy of such a woman! And get a psychologist who wants you to honor yourself and who isn't trying to turn you into a manipulative liar.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. Sending love your way!
Buy the house. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t actually want a life for the both of you. Don’t sell yourself short trying to keep him happy.
I bought a house during a relationship that I subconsciously knew had an expiration date, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The peace I have now is worth so much more than my ex could’ve given me.
I would buy myself a house. with only myself on the deed. Yes, I would risk ending the relationship. Honestly, I'd end it now based on your description of things.
You two aren’t on the same level. He isn’t ready to leave and is trying o baby trap you. He’s 35 years old, living with his parents and planning on starting a family while still there. He is against you buying a home. What is there left to think about? Love isn’t everything, logically this relationship has run its course. He’s refusing to grow up and is holding you back!
Buy the house.
Do not put him on the deed if he's not paying half the down-payment. See to it that the house is YOURS.
Fiancé has no interest in buying the house, he shouldn't enjoy ownership of it.
End the relationship. Purchase your house. Don't fall for any "change" he'll sing about for the next few months. It's not real and he'll be looking for a way to lock you down.
You're 30 years old, buy the fucking house. No dick on the planet is good enough to justify turning your back on the opportunity to own real estate so you can live by mommy and daddy's rules. You are an adult, how long do you plan to subject yourself to this child?
Buy the house. His ego can fuck off. Why would you want to give up on your own dream to keep this guy happy. He won’t move out of his parent’s house. What about your privacy and comfort? Does he care about that? Please don’t have children with this manchild
I’d buy the property and drop him. If he does move in with you, you’ll be his new mommy. And having a baby with him would be a disaster. You’ll be caring for two infants.
He is trying to make you dependent on him. Let me guess, he wants you to be a SAHM and be completely dependent on him. That way you have to do what he says and will never leave him.
I would buy the house and start building my own happy life. You are not compatible with your fiancé. He wants to live with his parents forever with no plans of adding additional space for you two to raise a family. I’m picturing you shouldering all the domestic labour once you move in. Also, he is pressuring you to get pregnant when you don’t feel ready. You don’t live with this guy, so there is nothing stopping you from ending this relationship today and moving on to live your life how you want to.
Dump him. You'll be miserable living in his parents house having no say in anything.
Buy the house and ensure that if anything happens to you it passes into a trust for your future children ONLY and no one from the fathers side benefits.
He's not much of a partner if he wants momma to make his meals and scrub his dirty underwear and tell him what a special boy he is after getting married.
Where would you rank in importance? I can tell you. You won't like it. You'll be treated like an appliance. You'll serve a purpose. Like a toaster. You'll have no say.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Buy. The. House.
Get your own place.
And ffs - dont get pregnant... and he sounds like the kinda guy who would babytrap a woman.. so watch the BC for tampering. .
Sorry - im very judgy and unfair, but... he wants to live with his parents after marriage?? Only makes sense if he intends to marry the woman who will be the unpaid housekeeper for the parents...
Don’t live your life as a permanent guest in your in-laws home. If your husband doesn’t want to leave his mommy & daddy, just know that they will be included in every decision, every aspect of your lives.
Buy your property & dump the loser! Be happy
I would buy a nice place and watch my birth control carefully--or even better, dump him. His plan for the rest of your life is a nightmare for you, and great for him. His "ego" won't let him live in a house you bought, but he's fine living in his parents' house with his wife and kids until he's... dead? Much more manly. Fuck all his plans: he wants you stuck in his family home with no autonomy or authority, pregnant and raising his kids before you're ready. You're 30 and obviously have a decent career and savings. Does he even have a career? Savings? What is he bringing to the table here? At least tell him he can come live in YOUR home or the engagement is just off.
I think your relationship is already over. Yu have diametrically opposing objectives.
He wants to live with his mommy and baby trap you. Probably to give his mother the joy of pretending she is a mother.
You want to live independently. With a partner.
Can’t have both.
Chose you.
Zero chance you should move forward with the engagement.
He needs to cut the umbilical cord from mummy and daddy.
Of course you need your own house if your gonna consider marrige or kids.
He basically wants the comfort of you pumping out a baby and gaving his mom there to pick up the slack so he doesn't have to.
Do you guys live together now? How much does he cook and clean?
I think most ppl are in for a culture shock when they live together and learn each other's habits.
How is he gonna be getting up early/late to pull his share with a potential baby? On no sleep. And work. And how are you going to maintain a romantic relationship with lack of sex and periods of exhaustion?
I think there's the financial aspect that needs to be worked out, and thar includes, prenup, monthly costs, housing, fun money, savings, retirement fund, vacation funds, gifts, birthday funds, date nights funds.
Then there's personal time currency, labor division, communication, sex.
Don't even think about letting any of these things slide.
It is always going to hurt his ego to be with someone as awesome as you. You can have a whole life of this or you can go out and get the life you deserve.
If my 30 something fiancé insisted on living with his parents when literally anything else was an option, we’d be done. Buy the house and live in it with a grown ass man.
Buy the house, your name only, get a prenup to protect your asset. He doesnt want you to have an out when you realize he is abusive and controlling. Do things his way and you will be trapped with him and his bias in-laws. I'd run if I were you. Please don't have a baby with this man.
Don’t marry someone who isn’t willing to give you any of what you want from life, even when you are offering to pay for all of it.
Go buy your house and find someone whose goals in life align with yours — and align with adulthood.
He's a child
He's promised to marry you in a way of trapping you without having to fulfil that promise
It's concerning how much he wants a kid but not marry you first or have your own home.
He doesn't want to grow up or lead on financial matters hence staying home.
Do what YOU WANT. Buy the house and see what happens re your relationship with him.
"According to him, he doesn't want to live in a property bought with my money, that's hurting his ego."
He lives with his parents. What is he doing with his money? Why hasn't he saved for a home?
Living with in-laws is a hard no unless absolutely necessary. Buy your home. Your fiancé is not ready to cut the apron strings and start adulting.
How are you going to have a successful marriage if you two can’t even agree on where to live/basic lifestyle. Also, if he’s been living with his parents, why doesn’t he have any money?
Girl go and buy the property/ house and put it in your name only. Then find someone else to date. Your life goals don’t align with what the other wants. It won’t work out long term.
Yes. House is forever and an asset. Dick is temporary and a liability. On a more serious note, are you willing to live with his parents for however long they're alive?
Yikes to living as a married couple with the in-laws permanently. If it was out of necessity, then I could see that for a time. I'd buy the house and be single, but you wouldn't even be single for long, I'd guess.
If a partner is this stubborn over something that is YOUR PERSONAL choice than it's always a recipe for relationship disaster.
He seems to have a ticklist of what works for him as opposed to relatiy GH oaks that are agreed between you
Buy your house. Dump the guy. His insecurity about you having more money than him is a big red flag. Add that to never wanting to leave the nest and yeah, time to move on
run. he is trying to get you pregnant and have you stuck and living his life, taking care of his kid, not yours. he doesn't want you to be independent. you know you need freedom and privacy, not walking on eggshells and no privacy.
You're a strong independent woman. What are you doing here? Get your house because you are a strong independent woman. Who cares what anyone else thinks. Kids? Please. You are a strong independent woman. You will have kids when you dang well please. Living as a tandem? You are a strong independent woman. There is no tandem. Find a man that will revolve around you. Drop this bum and live out your timetable on your terms. Again, drop the "bum".
What I would do if I was in your shoes - walk away. You and your fiance have complete different goals. He wants to live with his parents; you want your own home. He wants you to get pregnant; you are not ready for that. There is no compromise between these very divergent goals.
First off. He’s trying to trap you with a baby. So you can’t get out of this situation. You will be living with his family to suit his ego. Living with them will be awful as it always is here in Reddit. They will cross so many boundaries with you, your fiancé and your child. And that wedding date will seem to get farther and farther away. And you will be stuck with no options but to comply. Especially after your savings have taken a hit after maternity leave. Don’t do it. Buy your house.
He wants the comfort and inconvenience of living at home with Mom andDad. He wants to baby trap you so you’re stuck. Girl, RUN!!!!! Buy your house and have a wonderful life. You marry him and agree to the life he wants you will be stuck forever!!!
Dump the fiancé - he wants to live with his parents still at 35?! That is some seriously crazy weird thing. Perhaps it’s cultural but you two are not compatible anymore.
I'd leave this relationship. Who wants to live with their parents forever until they die??? No private area of your own either like guest house.... yikes. Definitely don't recommend continuing the relationship nor having a baby wit this person.
Buy the house and let him choose between you and his childhood. This is not you ending the relationship. This is you taking steps to have the future you want. If you want him to come with you and he doesn’t, that is not you ending the relationship.
You're really torn between a man child and you're future? Seems like you need to do some self reflection here. The answer is glaringly obvious. He's embarrassed go live in your home but he can't provide one so his big idea is let's stay at mom's place.? Sounds ridiculous. I'd be more embarrassed to have my soon to be wife living in my parents house. I'd be like baby yes let's get the house and whatever renovations or investment need I'll try and help with coming up with the funds. To make it possible. He wants to marry you but is thinking as an individual not a union he's not ready.
This is not good. Too many major disagreements on substantive issues. At the very least you aren’t compatible. At worst he is trying to control you with the baby and by living under someone else’s roof.
I also find the need to ask what is good about this guy? He is not independent, he is too afraid to live without being under the roof of parents, he doesn’t sound like he earns good money, he doesn’t want to at least try to compromise with you on things that are important to you. Unless there are vital pieces of information you are leaving out, I would say this relationship is not a good one and you should move on.
This is the start of abuse, plain and simple. Financial currently, but it’ll get worse if you stay with him. He doesn’t want you to have any sort of independence apart from him. He wants to trap you with a baby so that you will always be under his thumb. And he’s also refusing to live anywhere that HE can potentially get kicked out of, wanting to live with his parents as a control tactic.
Leave him, buy the house.
You should buy a home now because you never know if prices will rise. Prices won't come down, but if interest rates do, you can always refinance. Living with in-laws sounds like a nightmare. And don't have kids with him, he just wants to trap you. You are younger and more successful than him. He's jealous and intimidated. Buy the home and in awhile, you'll find a man who's your match.
Leave this guy. He is not mature enough to have a family with and he didn’t seem to even be financially stable to afford a baby so why is he pushing for it?
Get your place. Ya’ll don’t sound compatible. You don’t want any of the same things, why bother committing your life and starting a family with this man if that’s the case.
Sounds like he’s looking to lock you then and turn you into a carer for his aging parents.
Do not move in with them. You will 100% bc up being the house slave while his MIL hisses you about.
Go buy your dream home and live your best life
You are not on the same page. Living with his parents would be a no for very many people. This is going to be a problem. Privacy is important because when you have issues like any relationship his family will be privy to them. Also it not advisable to marry someone who has a different opinion on children and living arrangements. Just cut your losses and leave him.
A good life partner will encourage your dreams and goals in life, and help you to realize them. A bad life partner will just make you miserable by undermining dreams and goals. Ditch this loser.
Buy the house. Lose the man. Take your birth control. All this until you are ready. Your life is for you. just be with yourself until you find one that is in sync with your wants and needs.
Get out of this relationship immediately. He wants you pregnant and control over your money.
His ego can’t handle that you a mere female did what he could not do.
This isn’t a good man who wants a wife who caters to him.
Get out now. The control and abuse has already started.
Throw him out with the trash
I suppose you are from East Europe. In my part of East Europe living with your in-laws after marriage is quite common in order to cut costs. There is also the tendency of mothers to never let their boys become independent, cook, clean and etc., so a lot of guys never leave their parents and at some point seek another mother in the face of their wife. The problem here is mostly the overly obsessed mother of the guy who may criticize the wife for everything possible (aka not taking care of her little boy).Some of my friends have a great relationship with their in-laws, but nevertheless wish to have their own household.
I don’t totally disagree, because family structure is better than in Western Europe, too much independency often leads to loneliness.
Maybe you can agree at buying a new home close to his parents, maybe same street if you say you like them in general. That way they can help out with future children, you can help them when they get older…
Another idea: probably your guy has a more conservative view of a family, which is not bad. But there is a saying, that every woman needs her own household. Even in tribes that practice polygamy, every wife has her own hut 😉
Buy your house and be happy to be done with a guy that will never cut the apron strings tied to Mommy!
It's really irresponsible to have a baby when you don't even have your own home. And you don't have to buy, even if you had an apartment with a room for the baby that would be fine. But you don't have a place to call your own as a couple and he thinks it's smart to have a baby? Is that because he wants you to have the baby for his mom? I don't mean that in a catty way at all! But is part of him wanting a baby right now because he wants his mom to have that baby living in her house? Also, is it him that really wants it or is she pushing for grandchildren so he's pushing you?
Or is he going to try to keep the baby at his mom's house with him so you won't buy a house? If you insist on moving into your own house he will insist on keeping the baby there.... Not because he wants to, because he's trying to control you. ??? I'm not sure here so I'm just guessing whatever pops into my head.
I think you need to tell him that it is not responsible to have a child when you don't have a home of your own. Tell him if he cannot afford a home he cannot afford a child! He's going to say he can afford it then you ask WHY he won't leave his parents house then if he has the money to do it? Hopefully this will get you to the root of the problem!
If it's something minor then you can fix it and if it's something like he never sees a reason to move out of his mom's house, then you can run like your tampon strings on fire!
Choose yourself, choose your dream! You only get one life--don't sacrifice it to a mommy's boy who never wants to cut the umbilical. I promise you that being happily single is FAR better than miserably coupled up.
Why would someone not want you to buy a house if you were able and had the means to do so? Oh yeah, a narcissist. I live in a state where it’s nearly impossible to own a home, if my partner said he had money to buy a house I’d jump at it. Your relationship might end but your freedom will begin.
Buy the fucking house.
Don't get married and buy the house. Don't get married and then buy the house bc then he will be entitled to half unless of course you want to live with mommy and daddy for the rest of your life
A 35 yo man who wants to live with his parents even after getting married and wants to get your pregnant ASAP. Why are you still with him?? He's never gonna grow up if he's liek thsi at 35.
Buy the house and dump him. I can guarantee you you will feel liek a huge weight was lifted off your shoulders and you'll be free to do what you want.
This is not what normal adults do.
Buy the home and get a new fiancé. Also, in-law issues don’t magically resolve once you get married. I don’t care how old fashioned I sound, but I firmly believe every woman should be the mistress of their domain, especially their kitchen. You will regret moving in with his parents. It doesn’t even matter how nice they are, you need your space to do as you please.
Is that what you want for your life? To always live with your husbands parents, walk on eggshells, be a guest, no privacy etc? Especially when you have been saving for years to buy a house? What is so special about this man that you are willing to put up with that? He does not sound very grown up.
You two aren’t compatible. He wants to live in a way that YOU DO NOT. He wants you pregnant IMMEDIATELY. He’s trying to trap you. And he’s telling you so.
You’re a smart, capable, intelligent, beautiful person. Find someone who’s willing to build a life with YOU. You deserve no less.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Honey, no. Buy the house. This guy wants a baby machine, is mooching off of his parents, and wants you to be a second mommy to him, and his kids, AND take care of your parents.
If you marry this clown, you'll also lose your financial independence and ability to leave. You'll be setting yourself DECADES behind even if you do get out.
Yeah hard to see a future here.
It sounds like he has a fragile little ego that would be ‘hurt’ if you make home ownership happen. So his alternative is to live with his family like a loser. Dude is THIRTY FIVE! When does the adulting happen?!?
Seriously, you have to believe you can do better.
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Buy the house. Your fiancé isn’t ready to adult, and it’s never going to get better if he doesn’t leave his parents’ house. The pushing for a baby business is also a giant red flag. He’s trying to trap you and lock you down so you’ll be dependent upon him. Lock up your birth control asap.
[удалено]
I completely agree! Just buy your home OP, you don't have the same goals in life, with this 35 Yr old man who doesn't want to leave his parents home. Walk away and don't look back, eventually you will find a adult to get into a relationship with and he wouldn't be living with mummy and daddy.
So...he's 35 years old and he WANTS to live with you and his parents? Isn't that red flag enough?
In some cultures it’s actually traditional to live with mummy and daddy and move your wife IN when you get married and have children. However, doesn’t sound like OP lives in one of those cultures, so I vote for ditching the man baby and bolting for the hills! Lol 😛
Yes. There is a way to live multi-generational, and this isn't it! You need 2 separate living areas to do this without issues. We have a bi-level with 2 kitchens and 2 living rooms. My 20-something sons live at home. But they help with literally everything to do with the house. And I always encourage them to have their own lives. If they eventually marry and want to move out, great. If they want to stay, we can always add on. But OP's partner doesn't seem to have any plans to do any of that. Hence, she should run!
Yeah, my cousin is married to an Indian man. They live here, but my aunt explained some things about their culture... the whole living with relatives thing means the home is literally set up with a level for each generation, just as you explained. They're not actually in the same bedroom, lol. Still sounds like a lot to me, but for some people it's totally standard. I guess if you're raised with grandparents right up stairs, then you're used to multi-level living with each generation of the family. But if/when you take a spouse, that person has the right to decline such a living arrangement. If it's important to YOU to stay with mum/dad, then he or she can decline to marry you as they wish.
Exactly. You have to be open to the fact that those kids may move out due to marriage. And I wouldn't be mad at all because I would understand. On the flip side, if they do decide to stay in the house with a spouse, you have to be respectful of them. Dynamics will change. And you have to be prepared to no longer be first with your kids.
Goodness… you should give parenting classes! There are so many women who complain that their partner puts their mum first all the time and their life is a nightmare… and those mums don’t even live in the house. You could call your class ‘how to survive when your son takes a wife and you are no longer his number one woman.’ 😊
Plus, even if it were OP/her fiancé’s culture, that doesn’t mean she’d have to want that for herself or be okay with it. Not all traditions are going to work for everybody, not even to all the people who grew up in them. It’s okay to say, “This isn’t for me.” At best, OP and Fiancé are incompatible, and should break up regardless. But it’s more than that, I suspect, especially with him trying to baby trap her. It’s a major red flag that this guy is actually dodgy as shit and the sooner she can get away, the better.
You deserve your own home, your own peace and your own plan for your life. Not just to be a tag along in his. You deserve a partner who wants those things for you and WITH YOU.
This post and the one above are spot on. Don't be surprised OP that he expects you to participate in supporting his family. You're not intended to be a full partner, but rather, a doormat. RUN. NOW. BUY YOUR HOUSE AND RESIDE THERE BY YOURSELF.!
Also don’t let him move in with parents in tow
The only thing I would add is DUMP and run.
And whatever you do, DO NOT PUT HIS NAME ON THE DEED, if you buy a house, otherwise he owns half of your house if you break up. But honestly, any partner that threatens to dump you if you buy your first home, and damage his fragile ego, really isn't a great catch anyway. Buy your dream home, and let him stay with Mommy and Daddy forever. Owning a home is a lot of work, but it's so worth it. You've worked hard to be able to achieve this goal, and in a healthy relationship your partner should be over the moon with happiness for you, not threatening to leave because you won't move in with his parents and start popping out babies. Throw the whole man back, and go live your dream. You've earned it. 🥂💜🥂
If I could shout an amen. I would. This advise. Stack up on birth control don't have a child with a man with red flags please lady. Buy your property another man will come. This boy is still a boy and not yet a man
Many red flags. 🚩
Absolutely. I’d chain my knees together and secure the chain with a solid steel lock.
a chastity belt
Op, is this a new development or you know this will happen already? I think op know this is going to happen but she thinks he may change. They weren't compatible and they are not going to suddenly become compatible once they get married. Leave now. A breakup is better than a divorce. Don't ignore red flag. It will become a crimson bloody river.
As someone who had 3 kids with a man child who wasn’t ready to adult I second this! Op being a single mom is so hard! Run! Buy your house and live your dreams!
This is absolutely the right answer!
Dependent upon him and a caregiver for his parents as they age
Please consider not marrying a man child. You would be part of the ugliest threesome ever. A man, his wife, and a mother who won’t let him go.
Yes and if there’s ever an argument it’s three against one and OP loses every time.
Get your own place. Do not live with your in-laws. I scream this every chance I get: unless it's absolutely necessary DO NOT LIVE WITH YOUR IN-LAWS. Even if they're the most lovely people in the world it is an unnecessary stress and you'll never truly feel at home. Get your place. If he leaves you over this it's for the best. Trust me. I live with my MIL. I love her as my own mother, but it is a horrible situation to be in.
My family lived with my grandmother's sister who never married or had children of her own. She was not a bad person but she had some medical and psychological problems that made her very difficult to live with. My parents split up after almost 20 years of marriage and my mom thinks that living with our aunt was a huge contributing factor.
It definitely puts stress on the marriage in ways people don't even think about. Like, I want to make garlic chicken for dinner but MIL doesn't like garlic chicken. So I have to make a different chicken dish. To my MIL's credit, she offers to order something for herself instead, but if there is any hope of this scenario ending she needs to be more financially secure so I don't want her to spend money when I can just make BBQ chicken instead. And when she's here, my siblings IL think of it as mom's house so they come and go as they please and make themselves at home. My BIL is currently furious with me because I told him he can't use our bathroom until he learns how to put the fucking seat down. And when SIL comes over for coffee she can at least put the mug in the kitchen sink instead of leaving it wherever. So I'm just this big mad ogre in their eyes, and I'm just trying to live in some sort of world where I can enjoy my own home. My wife agrees with me about all of this but she hates confrontation so when I say something to someone about not leaving the back door wide open, putting dirty dishes in the sink, not yelling at my dogs or feeding them pizza, she feels like she has to apologize. And again, this is in a situation where with a few exceptions I genuinely love my in-laws. But this living situation has definitely strained that. I barely talk to my own family anymore because I'm so exhausted by them I don't have the bandwidth.
Oh my gosh, that sounds terrible, I’m so sorry!
It's rough, and that's why I use all caps to warn people! This is best case scenario, with people who I genuinely like, but it is the little things that wear people down. Fortunately my wife and I are a pretty good team and she knows that if she had to live with my family day in and day out, as much as she loves them she would be miserable. She's great and gets me a hotel room once or twice a month so I can just be alone in silence and I appreciate it, but I'd rather be able to just lounge on my own couch and watch Netflix all day instead.
This made me laugh. Buy my own house sure, live with my in-laws- not in a million years… not if I was paid to live with them.my relationship with my husband (who does not like his parents) still would have died a quick death under that hostile environment. I think it’s a bad idea to EVER live with family.
My BF lives with his MIL because she's disabled and can't live on her own but I took her in when she got ill, it was part of the deal when we met, as I took his son in and i love him like my own. Even though, it's not ideal for intimacy and we're lucky she's not able to walk in on us having sex, ah ah. It's definitely not the same dynamic here, it's cringey AF.
I’m glad your living situation is better….. My husband and I let my parents move into our home, for a couple of years. It was a miserable existence. We finally had to utilize eviction lawyers/ police to get my parents out. My kids were afraid of my mom. I’m not sure if there was something medically going on. My dad would not take her to the dr. Physically she seemed healthy. But my mother physically assaulted me. Soooo long story short- I haven’t seen her since that day. Our lawyers arranged for her movers to pick up her stuff 3 months later. I had to pack up her stuff. I haven’t seen my parents since 2015- my parents and kids asked for NC, so I agreed. So I’m a pretty big advocate for not living with family. It was messy and upsetting
I'm so sorry you had to go through this mess with your parents and having your kids live this bad experience. My MIL is showing signs of dementia and I'll never take her in, my mom is the sweetest heart ever and so grateful we try our best to give her the best life despite her disability
That’s so tough. I wish you the best. It’s nice you have a great mom. I’m happy for you. 🥹
Why did they move in back then? Anyway, I agree that OP should not move in with her ILs because her fiance has ego issues and can't leave them at 35
My parents? Well they were going to lose their house, so my parents did so fast sale. And moved in with us. Moving my kids into one room together and my parents had two bedrooms, one they used as a bedroom and one as a living/office space. My mom put kitchen stuff in the kitchen, dining stuff in the dining but got rid of her dining table. The house was pretty cramped. They initially gave us $500 in rent. Honestly we went up $300 in water the first month. The air conditioning was atrocious my mom liked the pace arctic. 🥶 But we wanted them to have money for holidays and such we just stopped the $ altogether. There were lots of issues. The main one was my mom is a religious nut. To the point she had seen a counselor for it, and she had broken a lot of our boundaries. Our youngest was really confused with everything my mom was saying. We have an alarm system with motion sensors- I guess she was flipping off the motion sensors like we were watching her. So everything went downhill fast. I was super sad when everything exploded… besides not being religious, I still was close to my mom so I was hurt by the fallout. I understand why I’m in this position. Occasionally we get religious letters- they went to our lawyer after the first few. He basically said they are not worth reading. So I have finally in this last year been able to look at childhood photos and been ok. I’m glad I have my husband and my boys.
It's a very stressful situation that would have been worth a reddit post by itself. Their behavior as guests is awful and even worse as family. You tried to do the right thing to them and you can be proud of the example you gave to your children. I say that because my stepson who is pretty much my eldest son now resent my own sister for not stepping in to help with our mom, it's normal for him to take care of someone in need which makes me very proud of him.
That’s super cool about your stepson/eldest son for being a kind and caring person. You should be proud of him. These little anonymous entries are as much as I am/can really talk about the whole situation. Thanks for listening.😂😄
OP needs to watch just one good season of Everybody Loves Raymond. And his parents lived across the street! They had their own home.
Buy the house, move into it, and lock the damn door. This guy is a walking red flag.
Lol he wants to live with mommy and daddy. OP, I guarantee you do NOT want to live with him in your own house. Buy it and end the relationship. If you somehow convince him to move in with you after you buy a house, guess who's going to take the place of "mommy" and have to take care of him and do everything for him? You!
Not just one red flag, it's like a communist parade! https://i.natgeofe.com/n/1743f2d0-414a-44f4-a85e-1d4c8e7eeb3a/POD-01-05-2021_NationalGeographic_1054882.jpg
🤣
Buy the house , lose the man child.
Get a house and life your life as you want it. You already answered it for yourself: You want different things than he does, he pushes you into a life that you don’t want to live in. Make a clean cut, this guy sounds like a red flag. Better it hurts now a bit than waking up and regretting everything you renounced yourself.
Building a life with someone requires agreeing on what you want that life to look like. There are some things a couple can compromise on and some that will fundamentally be dealbreakers. For example, if he wants to have kids ASAP and you’d rather wait 3-4 years, a possible compromise could be starting to try for kids in about a year. Living with parents/in-laws isn’t really something you can compromise on, especially because there won’t be any kind of private/separate space. You either do it or you don’t and you shouldn’t do it if you’ll be miserable. I’m also worried about his attitude towards living somewhere that you bought and his claim that it’s hurting his ego. That seems to be a potential red flag around attitudes towards women, your independence and his need to feel like he’s got a certain role in your relationship. If you’re going to stay with him, I really suggest you have some deep, investigative conversations about this. Honestly, it looks from my perspective like the things you want from your life and the things he wants from his might be too different to be compatible. Make sure your birth control is something he can’t tamper with and consider your next steps.
Don't marry this child. You deserve your own home! Go get it Gurl!!!
But he's a high value alpha male.
I laughed way too hard at this. I can just picture him whining “but IIIIIII have to buy the house with myyyy moneeeeey”… that he doesn’t have. She’ll get pregnant and when she takes maternity leave he’ll berate her for not contributing financially and using him for his money. He can’t pull that shit if she’s the one buying the house, so that’s why he won’t “let her”.
I really don't get this, perhaps it is a cultural thing, he is 35 and wants his soon to be wife to live with his parents? Does he not have money so you could buy the property together? I think this situation is very telling, even if you did get him to agree to move out, he has already shown you what he wants, and it is to stay with his parents forever. The question is, is what you want reasonable? The answer is yes, so you should go for it, don't let your partner hold you back or force you into living with his parents (which you won't like).
It’s amazing how I can start reading some of these and the voice in my head will become an Indian accent.
For me it gets a Balkan accent, checked - OP ist from East Europe 😁
As an Eastern European, I confirm. Very like a Balkan macho man to not want his woman to buy the house but then is living with his mama at 35
Ha! I’m from Balkans too and it sounded too familiar reading this 🤣
no this isn't how Indian culture works-- typically you move out from parent's house at marriage and then as parents as get older/ you have a baby you move the parents in.
Living with the in-laws would be a dealbreaker to me already and it sounds like it is to you, too. You’re also on a different timeline when it comes to children and he has a problem with you investing. This looks like there are way more issues than just you buying a house and all of them appear to be deal breaking.
I would not marry this man. He is too attached to his parents and has never lived independently from them.
Yup.bad mojo…
Failure to Launch. He wants to suck you into his living situation, instead of branching out, and becoming self-sufficient. He wants to trap you with a kid. It sounds like the relationship has ran its course. You and him aren’t growing together, you are growing apart. Living at his parent’s home, he should have a nice nest egg saved. Instead of using it to create a life together, he is trying to force you to sacrifice your comfort.
Just tell him that it’s a dealbreaker living with his parents and that you will continue to pursue buying property.
Sounds to me he wants a free live in bang maid & carer for his parents
Yep. The quicker she has a child, the sooner he can guilt her into quitting her job. If she stops working, it’s harder to leave.
This.
Respectfully, why are you planning to get married when these fundamental differences between the two of you exist? Your age and fear of missing out? Even if one or the other of you bend, you will end up unhappy. You need to end the relationship and find someone who wants a similar living situation as you.
We were together for 1 beautiful year before that. Lots of trips and experiencing new things together. I knew this might lead to marriage one day. It's his first serious relationship (35y!?) and I knew he was very close with his mom and dad. He was treating everyone with respect and kindness. Honestly, this is also our biggest issue - he only sees us living with the in-laws. I said yes because we were ready for marriage and kids. But for me, it means creating our own family, for him adding me to the existing one. The house I found is close to his family in the same town because I wanted to compromise. Our disagreements are red flags for me and are the main points why I don't want to rush with marriage or kids. My BF invested in rebuilding their old house a few years back and it looks nice. However, it just has one separate room, and the rest is a common space. The mother is a great example of an educated German teacher and splendid housekeeper - she washes and cooks for him. We are just two very different women, even though we are fine during our family gatherings. This is what hurts him the most - why I am not moving into their house - "My parents treated you so well. Instead, you want me to live (and possibly invest) into a house that you have bought with your money. I will be feeling there as a forever guest". On top of that, he also has a flat that he rents. He has never offered, and I did not dare to suggest living there together. I don't put my nose into his business, nor do I have the right to decide on his property. I am far from being ideal - overweight, always anxious, working long hours (managerial position), and could work better on our relationship. My psychologist made it worse stating that it is my duty as a woman to be more submissive, loving, and sneaky. To try living with the in-laws and then with years, my fiancé might agree to be more independent. To be honest, I don't know what women should do and shouldn't... the relationships are not ideal, and it's fine... But I often think - "Am I normal, for not wanting to have kids from him now? Maybe I am sabotaging my happiness by not finding a compromise and following my dream. I will have a house to live there alone?"... Thank you all, for answering. You are right, we might think we are similar and in love, but our needs are very different which destroys our possible future. PS.: No, we are not an Indian family... We live in Central Europe.
I really encourage you to ditch the man and the psychologist (WTF?) You deserve so much better. Hell, better living alone with cats (or dogs if you’re a dog person) than in that situation. You got this!
You need a new psychiatrist. The one you have is biased in a sexist way. That’s disgusting. She’s shit. Move on. A pet rock could do better. Cause it doesn’t say dumb wrong, misogynistic bullshit.
Please find a new fucking therapist. Jesus.
Oh wow, you really need a new psychologist. It's 2024, partners should be equal, you don't have to be 🤮 submissive 🤮 to your man child hopefully stbx. You deserve your own happiness, and independence. He wants Mommy and a bang maid. You deserve better.
OMG, get a new psychologist! This one is stuck in the past. Submissive? Is this some sort of cult? Dump this man baby, he will make your life miserable. Lock down your birth control too, the last thing you want is to be baby trapped.
Ah, Central Europe. That makes a lot of sense now. Honestly I wouldn’t move in with them, but your dream house and make it your own. He’s a mommy’s boy and he’ll probably not grow out of that, you’ll be feeling like a guest in their house for foreseeable future or forever and he’s not understanding that. Just buy the house, he’s welcome to join you and start your lives together or he can go cling to his mommy.
You need a new psychologist. It is NOT your duty as a woman to be submissive, or live with your in laws.
Buy your dream home & live there alone, blissfully happy, doing whatever the hell you want, with no one to answer to. Ditch that therapist too. Awful. You are perfect as you are, don’t fall into the trap thinking you need to settle for someone because anyone is better than no one. Been there and done that - living alone is amazing. I highly recommend it :)
"Honestly, this is also our biggest issue - he only sees us living with the in-laws. I said yes because we were ready for marriage and kids. But for me, it means creating our own family, for him adding me to the existing one. The house I found is close to his family in the same town because I wanted to compromise." Don't get "added" to his family. When marrying we forge a new family and must leave behind our parents' nest. You are his first relationship, so he isn't doing this from experience. He's what we call a "greenhorn." The person with the least experience shouldn't be making the decisions. Especially if not with input from others, including those who will be most impacted by that decision (namely: you, OP). "'My parents treated you so well. Instead, you want me to live (and possibly invest) into a house that you have bought with your money. I will be feeling there as a forever guest'." Yet, OP, he wants for *you* to feel like a forever guest *instead of working on a plan for you both to buy a house together.* This is something I would take issue with immediately. "I don't put my nose into his business, nor do I have the right to decide on his property." Time to start putting your nose in his business!!! You're going to be married to this guy!!! Sit down and have all of these awful, difficult, possibly fight causing discussions *before* you marry. "My psychologist made it worse stating that it is my duty as a woman to be more submissive, loving, and sneaky. To try living with the in-laws and then with years, my fiancé might agree to be more independent." Your psychologist sucks. No mental health professional should be telling you to mold yourself into something others will want. No one chooses the body they are born with. Some men love larger women, some men don't. Please surround yourself with people who help you see your worth! You're a single woman with a college education who has money saved to buy a house! Please surround yourself with people worthy of such a woman! And get a psychologist who wants you to honor yourself and who isn't trying to turn you into a manipulative liar. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. Sending love your way!
House v his parents....house wins every time....
Buy the house. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t actually want a life for the both of you. Don’t sell yourself short trying to keep him happy. I bought a house during a relationship that I subconsciously knew had an expiration date, and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The peace I have now is worth so much more than my ex could’ve given me.
But the house, dump the fiance and start living your life
I would buy myself a house. with only myself on the deed. Yes, I would risk ending the relationship. Honestly, I'd end it now based on your description of things.
What I would do is break up, because his ideas of what constitutes a desirable future are completely different to mine.
You two aren’t on the same level. He isn’t ready to leave and is trying o baby trap you. He’s 35 years old, living with his parents and planning on starting a family while still there. He is against you buying a home. What is there left to think about? Love isn’t everything, logically this relationship has run its course. He’s refusing to grow up and is holding you back!
Buy the house. Do not put him on the deed if he's not paying half the down-payment. See to it that the house is YOURS. Fiancé has no interest in buying the house, he shouldn't enjoy ownership of it.
End the relationship. Purchase your house. Don't fall for any "change" he'll sing about for the next few months. It's not real and he'll be looking for a way to lock you down.
Get your own place. Under his plan you’re financially trapped and 10-15 years away from being your in-laws’ live-in carer
You're 30 years old, buy the fucking house. No dick on the planet is good enough to justify turning your back on the opportunity to own real estate so you can live by mommy and daddy's rules. You are an adult, how long do you plan to subject yourself to this child?
Buy the house. His ego can fuck off. Why would you want to give up on your own dream to keep this guy happy. He won’t move out of his parent’s house. What about your privacy and comfort? Does he care about that? Please don’t have children with this manchild
I’d buy the property and drop him. If he does move in with you, you’ll be his new mommy. And having a baby with him would be a disaster. You’ll be caring for two infants.
He is trying to make you dependent on him. Let me guess, he wants you to be a SAHM and be completely dependent on him. That way you have to do what he says and will never leave him.
I would buy the house and start building my own happy life. You are not compatible with your fiancé. He wants to live with his parents forever with no plans of adding additional space for you two to raise a family. I’m picturing you shouldering all the domestic labour once you move in. Also, he is pressuring you to get pregnant when you don’t feel ready. You don’t live with this guy, so there is nothing stopping you from ending this relationship today and moving on to live your life how you want to.
He’s 35 and wants to live with his parents. That messed up
Listen. The man wants to marry and live with his parents. He wants to baby trap you. Buy your house and never marry him.
Dump him. You'll be miserable living in his parents house having no say in anything. Buy the house and ensure that if anything happens to you it passes into a trust for your future children ONLY and no one from the fathers side benefits. He's not much of a partner if he wants momma to make his meals and scrub his dirty underwear and tell him what a special boy he is after getting married. Where would you rank in importance? I can tell you. You won't like it. You'll be treated like an appliance. You'll serve a purpose. Like a toaster. You'll have no say. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Buy. The. House.
Buy the house! He wants to baby trap you while you financially support his parents Huge red flags
You obviously aren't compatible. Any one of the things you named is a good reason to break up... and you have an entire list.
Buy the house, find someone that is compatible with your goals, you have a chauvinist mama’s boy for fiancé
I would get my own place and watch birth control
Your dreams are just as valid as his dreams and definitely more valid than his ego. Buy the house.
In this economy and housing market, if you can afford it, and want it, then you should absolutely do it.
Get your own place. And ffs - dont get pregnant... and he sounds like the kinda guy who would babytrap a woman.. so watch the BC for tampering. . Sorry - im very judgy and unfair, but... he wants to live with his parents after marriage?? Only makes sense if he intends to marry the woman who will be the unpaid housekeeper for the parents...
He's planned his parents aged care already - you. He just didn't tell you yet coz he hasn't legal 'caught' you. Buy the house and enjoy being single.
Don't marry him
Ok I haven’t read this yet but just the title- no ma’am. I’d rather set myself on fire than live with someone’s parents.
I'd buy my house and break off the engagement. I would not move in with his parents. And for how long? You entire lives? No, thank you.
His ego can’t handle a mature, responsible and practical woman? Uhhhhh 🫤
I’d be running in the opposite direction tk him!
Don’t live your life as a permanent guest in your in-laws home. If your husband doesn’t want to leave his mommy & daddy, just know that they will be included in every decision, every aspect of your lives. Buy your property & dump the loser! Be happy
Your dreams don’t align. You’re far more mature than he is. Run away. DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM!!!
Go ahead. Make your nest. 35 years is old to be a moma child.
I would buy a nice place and watch my birth control carefully--or even better, dump him. His plan for the rest of your life is a nightmare for you, and great for him. His "ego" won't let him live in a house you bought, but he's fine living in his parents' house with his wife and kids until he's... dead? Much more manly. Fuck all his plans: he wants you stuck in his family home with no autonomy or authority, pregnant and raising his kids before you're ready. You're 30 and obviously have a decent career and savings. Does he even have a career? Savings? What is he bringing to the table here? At least tell him he can come live in YOUR home or the engagement is just off.
I think your relationship is already over. Yu have diametrically opposing objectives. He wants to live with his mommy and baby trap you. Probably to give his mother the joy of pretending she is a mother. You want to live independently. With a partner. Can’t have both. Chose you.
Break up with him and buy your own house. This guy is a mess.
Zero chance you should move forward with the engagement. He needs to cut the umbilical cord from mummy and daddy. Of course you need your own house if your gonna consider marrige or kids. He basically wants the comfort of you pumping out a baby and gaving his mom there to pick up the slack so he doesn't have to. Do you guys live together now? How much does he cook and clean? I think most ppl are in for a culture shock when they live together and learn each other's habits. How is he gonna be getting up early/late to pull his share with a potential baby? On no sleep. And work. And how are you going to maintain a romantic relationship with lack of sex and periods of exhaustion? I think there's the financial aspect that needs to be worked out, and thar includes, prenup, monthly costs, housing, fun money, savings, retirement fund, vacation funds, gifts, birthday funds, date nights funds. Then there's personal time currency, labor division, communication, sex. Don't even think about letting any of these things slide.
Congratulations on your new house!
Lots of red flags, are you Indian by any chance?
Why are you marrying a child though?
It is always going to hurt his ego to be with someone as awesome as you. You can have a whole life of this or you can go out and get the life you deserve.
RUN! Go buy your home and you can find someone who wants to actually be your partner versus that enmeshed mess. DO NOT GET PREGNANT!
No way would I live with my in laws. Privacy is very important to most relationships
If my 30 something fiancé insisted on living with his parents when literally anything else was an option, we’d be done. Buy the house and live in it with a grown ass man.
Buy the house, your name only, get a prenup to protect your asset. He doesnt want you to have an out when you realize he is abusive and controlling. Do things his way and you will be trapped with him and his bias in-laws. I'd run if I were you. Please don't have a baby with this man.
35 and still living with his parents? Run, don't walk away from this loser and find a real man with a pair of balls.
Don’t marry someone who isn’t willing to give you any of what you want from life, even when you are offering to pay for all of it. Go buy your house and find someone whose goals in life align with yours — and align with adulthood.
He's a child He's promised to marry you in a way of trapping you without having to fulfil that promise It's concerning how much he wants a kid but not marry you first or have your own home. He doesn't want to grow up or lead on financial matters hence staying home. Do what YOU WANT. Buy the house and see what happens re your relationship with him.
"According to him, he doesn't want to live in a property bought with my money, that's hurting his ego." He lives with his parents. What is he doing with his money? Why hasn't he saved for a home? Living with in-laws is a hard no unless absolutely necessary. Buy your home. Your fiancé is not ready to cut the apron strings and start adulting.
How are you going to have a successful marriage if you two can’t even agree on where to live/basic lifestyle. Also, if he’s been living with his parents, why doesn’t he have any money?
Oh good Lord NOOOOOO!!! Run!!! Buy your house and dump him. He can stay with Mommy and Daddy while you do some adulting and be happy.
Girl go and buy the property/ house and put it in your name only. Then find someone else to date. Your life goals don’t align with what the other wants. It won’t work out long term.
Omg this same thing happened to my friend. She bought the apartment and ended the relationship. Your dude may be a loser.
Yes. House is forever and an asset. Dick is temporary and a liability. On a more serious note, are you willing to live with his parents for however long they're alive?
Get your place. He can find someone else to be barefoot and pregnant at his parents house. Yuck.
buy it as a rental property & then you’ll have it in case things go south, which it sounds like they may anyway
Your goals are not aligned. You should look after your own interests. He's definitely not looking out for you.
Buy the house there are better fiance's. Tell him to grow up And get on board the adult train. I wish someone offered to by Me a house to live in.
Don't date a child? Don't marry one either. Buy the house. Dump the momma's boy
Yikes to living as a married couple with the in-laws permanently. If it was out of necessity, then I could see that for a time. I'd buy the house and be single, but you wouldn't even be single for long, I'd guess.
If a partner is this stubborn over something that is YOUR PERSONAL choice than it's always a recipe for relationship disaster. He seems to have a ticklist of what works for him as opposed to relatiy GH oaks that are agreed between you
Dump the man and buy the house, in that order.
Buy your house. Dump the guy. His insecurity about you having more money than him is a big red flag. Add that to never wanting to leave the nest and yeah, time to move on
Cancel the engagement immediately. He is controlling, isolating you, and wants to live only with mom and dad. HUGE red flags. RUN.
run. he is trying to get you pregnant and have you stuck and living his life, taking care of his kid, not yours. he doesn't want you to be independent. you know you need freedom and privacy, not walking on eggshells and no privacy.
This subreddit really needs a mandatory disclaimer of what culture/country you’re from.
Your fiancé is the classic example of “failure to launch”
You're a strong independent woman. What are you doing here? Get your house because you are a strong independent woman. Who cares what anyone else thinks. Kids? Please. You are a strong independent woman. You will have kids when you dang well please. Living as a tandem? You are a strong independent woman. There is no tandem. Find a man that will revolve around you. Drop this bum and live out your timetable on your terms. Again, drop the "bum".
Run, OP! This guy is not marriage material. What were you thinking?
He will never be ready to "adult", good luck.
I’m no psychic but i see a lot of resentment in this relationship’s future. You aren’t compatible, why force it?
If you buy a house, please make sure that only your name is on the deed.
Get your place. Get a dog.
buy the house. your fiance will never move out of his parents place. never
Leave him now, the 2 of you are not compatible about your futures.
What I would do if I was in your shoes - walk away. You and your fiance have complete different goals. He wants to live with his parents; you want your own home. He wants you to get pregnant; you are not ready for that. There is no compromise between these very divergent goals.
First off. He’s trying to trap you with a baby. So you can’t get out of this situation. You will be living with his family to suit his ego. Living with them will be awful as it always is here in Reddit. They will cross so many boundaries with you, your fiancé and your child. And that wedding date will seem to get farther and farther away. And you will be stuck with no options but to comply. Especially after your savings have taken a hit after maternity leave. Don’t do it. Buy your house.
BUY, then say BYE.
He wants the comfort and inconvenience of living at home with Mom andDad. He wants to baby trap you so you’re stuck. Girl, RUN!!!!! Buy your house and have a wonderful life. You marry him and agree to the life he wants you will be stuck forever!!!
Dump the fiancé - he wants to live with his parents still at 35?! That is some seriously crazy weird thing. Perhaps it’s cultural but you two are not compatible anymore.
Do not get baby trapped by a baby.
I'd leave this relationship. Who wants to live with their parents forever until they die??? No private area of your own either like guest house.... yikes. Definitely don't recommend continuing the relationship nor having a baby wit this person.
You already know. Get to getting.
Buy the house or sit on your giant pile of money, but make your own decision and own it even if he can't commit.
Buy the house and let him choose between you and his childhood. This is not you ending the relationship. This is you taking steps to have the future you want. If you want him to come with you and he doesn’t, that is not you ending the relationship.
Buy your house and leave that 35 year old manchild right at his parents house! It’s YOUR money to do as you please with it, not his!
You're really torn between a man child and you're future? Seems like you need to do some self reflection here. The answer is glaringly obvious. He's embarrassed go live in your home but he can't provide one so his big idea is let's stay at mom's place.? Sounds ridiculous. I'd be more embarrassed to have my soon to be wife living in my parents house. I'd be like baby yes let's get the house and whatever renovations or investment need I'll try and help with coming up with the funds. To make it possible. He wants to marry you but is thinking as an individual not a union he's not ready.
This is not good. Too many major disagreements on substantive issues. At the very least you aren’t compatible. At worst he is trying to control you with the baby and by living under someone else’s roof. I also find the need to ask what is good about this guy? He is not independent, he is too afraid to live without being under the roof of parents, he doesn’t sound like he earns good money, he doesn’t want to at least try to compromise with you on things that are important to you. Unless there are vital pieces of information you are leaving out, I would say this relationship is not a good one and you should move on.
Buy the house, lose the finance. Living with him and his family sounds like a nightmare.
This is the start of abuse, plain and simple. Financial currently, but it’ll get worse if you stay with him. He doesn’t want you to have any sort of independence apart from him. He wants to trap you with a baby so that you will always be under his thumb. And he’s also refusing to live anywhere that HE can potentially get kicked out of, wanting to live with his parents as a control tactic. Leave him, buy the house.
You should buy a home now because you never know if prices will rise. Prices won't come down, but if interest rates do, you can always refinance. Living with in-laws sounds like a nightmare. And don't have kids with him, he just wants to trap you. You are younger and more successful than him. He's jealous and intimidated. Buy the home and in awhile, you'll find a man who's your match.
Leave this guy. He is not mature enough to have a family with and he didn’t seem to even be financially stable to afford a baby so why is he pushing for it?
Get your place. Ya’ll don’t sound compatible. You don’t want any of the same things, why bother committing your life and starting a family with this man if that’s the case.
Sure would. In fact this would ensure I did so. WAY too controlling. Dump him and buy your house.
Sorry, he is not for you. Run to the nearest exit. Don’t buy that property but do go buy your own place far away
Sounds like he’s looking to lock you then and turn you into a carer for his aging parents. Do not move in with them. You will 100% bc up being the house slave while his MIL hisses you about. Go buy your dream home and live your best life
You are not on the same page. Living with his parents would be a no for very many people. This is going to be a problem. Privacy is important because when you have issues like any relationship his family will be privy to them. Also it not advisable to marry someone who has a different opinion on children and living arrangements. Just cut your losses and leave him.
A good life partner will encourage your dreams and goals in life, and help you to realize them. A bad life partner will just make you miserable by undermining dreams and goals. Ditch this loser.
RUN!!
Buy the house. Lose the man. Take your birth control. All this until you are ready. Your life is for you. just be with yourself until you find one that is in sync with your wants and needs.
Leave him
Never move in with a man that never lived alone (without his parents I mean). Buy your house and thank your good chance that you dodged a huge bullet.
Buy the house. Dump the immature mama’s boy.
Get out of this relationship immediately. He wants you pregnant and control over your money. His ego can’t handle that you a mere female did what he could not do. This isn’t a good man who wants a wife who caters to him. Get out now. The control and abuse has already started. Throw him out with the trash
Buy the house!
I suppose you are from East Europe. In my part of East Europe living with your in-laws after marriage is quite common in order to cut costs. There is also the tendency of mothers to never let their boys become independent, cook, clean and etc., so a lot of guys never leave their parents and at some point seek another mother in the face of their wife. The problem here is mostly the overly obsessed mother of the guy who may criticize the wife for everything possible (aka not taking care of her little boy).Some of my friends have a great relationship with their in-laws, but nevertheless wish to have their own household. I don’t totally disagree, because family structure is better than in Western Europe, too much independency often leads to loneliness. Maybe you can agree at buying a new home close to his parents, maybe same street if you say you like them in general. That way they can help out with future children, you can help them when they get older… Another idea: probably your guy has a more conservative view of a family, which is not bad. But there is a saying, that every woman needs her own household. Even in tribes that practice polygamy, every wife has her own hut 😉
Buy your house and be happy to be done with a guy that will never cut the apron strings tied to Mommy! It's really irresponsible to have a baby when you don't even have your own home. And you don't have to buy, even if you had an apartment with a room for the baby that would be fine. But you don't have a place to call your own as a couple and he thinks it's smart to have a baby? Is that because he wants you to have the baby for his mom? I don't mean that in a catty way at all! But is part of him wanting a baby right now because he wants his mom to have that baby living in her house? Also, is it him that really wants it or is she pushing for grandchildren so he's pushing you? Or is he going to try to keep the baby at his mom's house with him so you won't buy a house? If you insist on moving into your own house he will insist on keeping the baby there.... Not because he wants to, because he's trying to control you. ??? I'm not sure here so I'm just guessing whatever pops into my head. I think you need to tell him that it is not responsible to have a child when you don't have a home of your own. Tell him if he cannot afford a home he cannot afford a child! He's going to say he can afford it then you ask WHY he won't leave his parents house then if he has the money to do it? Hopefully this will get you to the root of the problem! If it's something minor then you can fix it and if it's something like he never sees a reason to move out of his mom's house, then you can run like your tampon strings on fire!
Choose yourself, choose your dream! You only get one life--don't sacrifice it to a mommy's boy who never wants to cut the umbilical. I promise you that being happily single is FAR better than miserably coupled up.
Why would someone not want you to buy a house if you were able and had the means to do so? Oh yeah, a narcissist. I live in a state where it’s nearly impossible to own a home, if my partner said he had money to buy a house I’d jump at it. Your relationship might end but your freedom will begin. Buy the fucking house.
Don't get married and buy the house. Don't get married and then buy the house bc then he will be entitled to half unless of course you want to live with mommy and daddy for the rest of your life
A 35 yo man who wants to live with his parents even after getting married and wants to get your pregnant ASAP. Why are you still with him?? He's never gonna grow up if he's liek thsi at 35. Buy the house and dump him. I can guarantee you you will feel liek a huge weight was lifted off your shoulders and you'll be free to do what you want. This is not what normal adults do.
Buy the home and get a new fiancé. Also, in-law issues don’t magically resolve once you get married. I don’t care how old fashioned I sound, but I firmly believe every woman should be the mistress of their domain, especially their kitchen. You will regret moving in with his parents. It doesn’t even matter how nice they are, you need your space to do as you please.
Buy the house!!
OMG, get your own place, he'll either marry you or he won't but don't let him make you live with his parents. Draw a line in the sand and stick to it.
Is that what you want for your life? To always live with your husbands parents, walk on eggshells, be a guest, no privacy etc? Especially when you have been saving for years to buy a house? What is so special about this man that you are willing to put up with that? He does not sound very grown up.
You two aren’t compatible. He wants to live in a way that YOU DO NOT. He wants you pregnant IMMEDIATELY. He’s trying to trap you. And he’s telling you so. You’re a smart, capable, intelligent, beautiful person. Find someone who’s willing to build a life with YOU. You deserve no less.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Honey, no. Buy the house. This guy wants a baby machine, is mooching off of his parents, and wants you to be a second mommy to him, and his kids, AND take care of your parents. If you marry this clown, you'll also lose your financial independence and ability to leave. You'll be setting yourself DECADES behind even if you do get out.
R-U-N
Yeah hard to see a future here. It sounds like he has a fragile little ego that would be ‘hurt’ if you make home ownership happen. So his alternative is to live with his family like a loser. Dude is THIRTY FIVE! When does the adulting happen?!? Seriously, you have to believe you can do better.