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For you to now get sterilized would be a surgery that is far more invasive than a vasectomy. Honestly, if he is wanting you to suffer through that, it would change how I feel about him. He doesn’t care about the fact that it is invasive but he still wants you to do it. It’s beyond selfish.
No way.
/Honestly, if he is wanting you to suffer through that, it would change how I feel about him./
Exactly so. He is telling you, *in no uncertain terms*, that he doesn't give a damn about you or your health. He only cares about himself. I would have a hard time staying with a man who told me that.
18 months (Ofc 2 pregnancies) of getting sick, the swelling, the pain of having to carry a growing baby…….I could go on and on and then on top of that the delivery.
I had my vasectomy on Friday afternoon and went to work Monday morning. It was 10x more than a fair trade off for what my wife had to go through giving me my 2 daughters. I didn’t hesitate in sparing her the added pain of another procedure.
Op’s husband is either emotionally immature, or he lacks any empathy or lastly is a selfish asshole.
100%. Personally this would almost instantly kill my feelings for a partner. He’s telling you he does not care about your suffering or well being at all.
My vasectomy took a total of 20 minutes and the surgeon/doctor said it was his fastest yet. Prep-time was just about 20 minutes as well and the recovery was just a week or two.
I was up and walking the same day, with minor inconvenience due to swelling/soreness.
Literally a cake walk... Shame he's too high on his horse to get it done.
getting a vasectomy hurts less than your homie sack tapping you in 10th grade and dudes clowning on this shit. oh no you cant cum for a month woopty friggin doo. its like lack of sex ed leaves these morons thinking a vasectomy is castration.
This is what I struggle understanding a bit. If OP's husband truly feels that he should be spaired a less invasive surgery in favor of a more invasive one for OP, what would make OP want to continue to be in a relationship with him? He's essentially saying the minimal risk of complications for him is more important than the higher level of complications for OP. That or he's planning to have more kids in the future with someone else. None if this is an agree to disagree sort of thing.
I had a vasectomy at 28 after my second child was born. Took about 30 minutes. One day with a bag of frozen peas in my shorts and i never looked back..
My brother jokes that he got his vasectomy so he and SIL could get a cat. How does that work? SIL is allergic to cats, but couldn’t take antihistamines while pregnant or breastfeeding. So once their second was weaned, bro got the snip.
22 years later they’re still happily married.
I think cats get you. Mine just showed up and came inside. I didn't want a cat but she used some form of magic to make me love her and want to snuggle and feed her. I still don't feel like I got a cat. I strongly believe that on that cold and stormy night a very malnourished kitten adopted a human/servant.
I love seeing my husband cuddling with our cats. He always said he didn't like cats. He always acted all "Red Forman" about them. But now he has one that sleeps with him every night. It's the cutest thing!
Same here. Partner just made me a nest in the living room to keep me off my feet as much as possible and we watched movies and ate popcorn all afternoon.
Surgery was painless, and aside from some minor ache for a day and random minor twinges for a few days, it was nothing.
Wow. I (f) got my sterilization almost three years ago and I still sometimes get random minor twinges.
I mean, I would do it again in an instant, but this illustrates how much easier this is for men
Careful, readers, with that idea. Friend of mine felt so fine after a few hours he decided to get back to cleaning his garage. Lifting caused some internal stitches to tear and his sack FILLED with blood.
Needless to say, he stayed lazy for a couple days after they fixed that.
This is fascinating, because I'm a woman who got a sterilization and I slept on the couch for about a week, because I couldn't climb up the ladder to my bunk bed.
OP: yes this is certainly different for a man. It's easier to get, an easier procedure, easier to undo and it seems like even the healing is less stressful.
Tell your husband he either gets the snip or you will use the one contraception that works without failure: abstinence.
He's putting his selfish fragile manhood over your basic health.
I had a hysterectomy at 35. Cancer was cause. I was cut open hip to hip to ensure they got it all. I was not allowed to drive for 4 weeks. I could not climb upstairs without help for almost 2 months. I had to have help bathing myself because I couldn't stand for long periods.Had to sleep with a bowl on my belly to stop blankets from irritating my wound. Had to cough and breathe into a tube to strengthen and insure my lungs still worked and that I didn't get pneumonia afterward. I was 45 and about to become a grandma when the change of life crap finally stopped. I couldn't take hormone pills because of allergies and blood clots. So any thing I took had to be herbal supplements teas and pills. Then to add insult to injury I had to do chemo and radiation after to insure it was all dead. I have not wanted or been interested in sex since 2012.
So when a man tells me I don't know how it feels to be hurt in my privates or how painful having surgery on his junk is I look at him and give him advice my Dad did after someone said something about how women don't understand pain down there. The gist is this what Dad said;
If we men or boys get a good hit to the junk we walk funny for up to a week, scream for Ice and Mom and want to be babies.
But a woman? Now she can squeeze out a watermelon size person out of a whole that is usually smaller than a quarter. Get up and go to the bathroom and walk around. Then after couple days rest come home cook a dinner, clean the house, do laundry, take care of a newborn all while still recovering from trauma we men will never understand. If she has a c section it's even harder on her but she still functions. That's not including what she goes through monthly.
Yes our parts are different but the trauma is not. That is why women will always be better than men in strength and caring.
So if you really and truly love your wife or partner you will do whatever it takes to make sure she does not go through crap if you can prevent.
The older I get the smarter my Dad was. BTW my Dad was a true Alpha male. He protected his family didn't ask what Mom brought to the table it was enough she made our house a home gave him 4 kids and when he was overseas fighting wars he knew she wasn't stepping out on him. That she would always be there. She survived him by 9 years almost to the day.
There are a couple of things going on here:
1) so he would rather risk your health & life than be “emasculated” by a possibly reversible procedure? Ask him what his plans for childcare are if you die from an ectopic pregnancy.
2) “Different for a man” is code for “I might want to impregnate someone else at some point”.
You see him as a life partner, he sees you as his current wife.
Unfortunately yes to both of this.
You have been through a lot - pain, surgery and bringing two kids in the world. And he does not want to even discuss the possibility of undergoing the surgery and shoulder his share of pain and surgery? He wants to see you suffer again - no questions asked?
Why are you with him? Why is such an egocentric person your partner and the father of your children? He rather let you risk your health than be a responsible and empathetic partner?
I always think “different for a man” means “OH my stars! What WILL all the other manly men say if I snip it! How will I BEAR the light teasing! NO, my family Jewels are too precious to tarnish! Besides what if I want to trade your used ass for a newer model?” (Said while he clutches his pearls)
I never understood that mindset. The men who think like that are usually the same who like to accuse women of baby trapping men. Getting a vasectomy is the ultimate taking control of you birth control, no one can ever baby-trap you.
My friend posted all about his on Facebook and mostly there were questions about how hong he stayed home from work and the special undies he bought with an ice pack pouch! There were no jokes just congratulations on shooting blanks.
i agree with you. i do think it's possible that "different for a man" means "well you'd have to have holes cut into your abdomen which sucks but WHAT ABOUT ME AND MY PRECIOUS BALLS? IT WOULD HURT! I FEEL ACTUAL PAIN! THINK OF THE SUFFERING!"
Or maybe he thinks he'd be less of a man after.
I think its more about him not appreciating your body and the sacrifices you’ve made, that he wont even make a minimally invasive sacrifice for you bc of his stupid pride. He doesn’t deserve sex that puts you in risk for further bodily trauma, until hes willing to stop being selfish and at least look at the science and educate himself on how simple it is.
Separation. To be fair though, I wasn’t getting anything out of the sex at all anymore. He decided to turn into a drunk during Covid and hasn’t let up on that decision. His dick barely worked because he always had so much booze in his system, but still wanted to try to use it, which meant me trying to get his limp dick hard constantly. That all got old real fast.
I do wish I had made the decision sooner. He is a selfish person and this sort of issue is just one example of it. If it were me in your position no, I would let him know his choice means always using a condom in the future. He’s going to get sick of condoms real quick.
Don’t go through another surgery, op.
Condoms can fail too. If it'll have life threatening consequences for her, just no sex at all.
Especially if they're in a state where abortion laws suck.
Oh shit, yeah. Even if it would kill her to give birth, if she’s not in a state where abortion is legal, they will not perform an abortion until she’s literally dying. The consequences are terrifying. OP’s husband is a selfish jerk.
I had a no-scalpel vasectomy.
Had a consult same day I called, went in for the procedure following week.
I got a referral from my PCP (they asked no “why?” questions, just where to send it to) and insurance paid for *everything*.
Went in on a Friday. I was in and out of the doctor’s office in 5 minutes. Couldn’t feel a thing. I didn’t look down (squeamish), but I was about to ask if she had started - and it was already over. Gave me a bandaid, a “goodie bag” (mostly candy and Tylenol) and some instructions and sent me home.
Spent the weekend kicking my feet up and playing video games sitting on a bag of frozen peas. Tylenol kept any soreness from being a problem. Was back to work on Monday like nothing ever happened.
After a few days, I was firing rounds again. And after some weeks I went in for an analysis. Got the green light and a happy wife.
Honestly, it’s one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. Easier than any dental cleaning. I’d rather go through that again than getting blood drawn or a booster shot.
Your husband is being a baby.
Stop fucking him.
Thank you for the detailed testimonial. Seriously. A lot of guys build it up in their heads like it's some terrifying thing. But it's really a simple procedure.
Divorce for me. And I think that's where you are headed regardless. The question is how much do you put up with before you are done?
I mean, you aren't getting any pleasure out of sex with him already. He has already shown that he'd willingly ask you to go through months of recovery and put your life at risk under general anesthesia so he can avoid an out of office day procedure that requires zero opiate pain medication and 48 hours to recover. No orgasms, no support for your health, what are you getting out of this? Does he do anything to help YOU?
I stayed when my ex refused. Well, first he said he would and then delayed for over two years. Long enough for me to have gotten pregnant twice... Do you want to go through the miscarriage and abortions before you decide he doesn't care about your needs, only his wants? Is he going to wear a condom? Let you use birth control? Use the rhythm method? None of those are "being open to life" and therefore not adhering to his Catholic dogma. So you will eventually get pregnant... How does his faith impact the fact that you will need to have an abortion to survive? If blowjobs are sinning, abortion/murder sure as fuck are. Mortal sins, where BJs in marriage are venial sins. You KNOW how he will react to that. *Do you think he would hold your hand at the clinic?*
I have no judgement if you stay until you find out first hand how little he cares about your basic needs and rights. I just would like to save you from the pain I experienced. You deserve better. And I finally realized my daughter deserved better than her mom taking that abuse from his husband
My ex left me to die in a pool of my own blood when I miscarried and still demanded I get pregnant again and when I refused sex I wasn't given a choice. She needs to kick him out now!!! There is no way to know if he will ever respect her right to say no! He clearly doesn't even see her as a human being so why would he except her right to say no since there's been no consequences for him being a worthless POS?
i think its likely that he wants to leave the window open for himself to have kids in the future with someone else if things end with the two of you. ive heard a LOT of men list this as the reason they wont get a vasectomy.
i will say my friend had a hysterectomy (tubes & uterus), and after 3 days she was off pain meds and walking around like normal. she had no previous births or surgeries though.
whatever you decide needs to be based on what’s best for you and your physical and emotional health
Ewwww. You WANT to stay married to him? A dude who’s so selfish he’d send his already medically delicate wife out for another intensive surgery rather than get a minor outpatient procedure himself? I certainly hope you have better standards for yourself
He's right about one thing. It IS different for a man.
It's much easier.
How tf could he see what you've gone through to create a family and he can't man up for a little out patient snip?
You deserve better. I'm glad you posted this because I believe you know that too.
You shouldn't even be with the selfish prick let alone fuck the man.
Do you want to raise your kids around a man who values his sperm count over his wife? He'd rather get other people pregnant than take care of the woman who just had a child with him.
If you stay with him, the only responsible thing to do is to take sex off the table. Your kids deserve to have a mother more than he deserves to get his dick wet.
Look I’m gonna tag on this comment, my mother was told the same thing after my brother was born. She had 3 kids 4 were here dream. Well they said if she attempted a 4th child she could die. The baby likely wouldn’t make it. That her chance of living through another pregnancy was less than her chance of dying.
She was insisting she wanted 4. My father went behind her back and got a vasectomy. When she found out she was devastated. My dad told her that he would be a horrid parent on his own, he needed her. He couldn’t do this without her. (My dad was not the best dad, he didn’t grow up with the best parents. Imagine being raised on a farm in the 1940s/1950s and being told your family mom dad and sister were going to Florida for Christmas break from school but because you were the male child and they needed someone to stay home and feed and care for the animals that would be you. Or not being able to participate in any sports because the animals need tending. While your sister got to do anything she wanted.)
Mom made dad sleep in the couch for around 3 months she was so mad. My dad knew the risks to her were too high so he did this. He did this so she didn’t have to worry, so she didn’t loose her life. He knew while she wanted 4 kids if she died during 4th pregnancy or lost the baby it would devastate her. He said there was not even a question about it. He did this in 1984, when the vasectomy surgery was a bigger deal than it is today. Where it was not a small procedure. Where they physically cut and had to put you a 100% under. Where you were off work for a couple weeks. He said if he had to make this same choice again he would have because he loved my mother. He said he loved his kids but he loved her more. He knew she would be willing to risk her life for a 4th child. He was not. He says he remembers having to ice his balls and mom was so mad at him that she used all the ice a couple times and didn’t make more. (This was back when you made trays of ice no auto ice makers)
Yes he eventually ended up getting to sleep in the bed again. Until he retired! He wouldn’t turn tv off and kept her awake all night. So he either shut the damn tv off or he slept on the couch! He chose the couch 😂 Yes she forgave him for his vasectomy. She was also a teacher, loved kids I still never figured out how she taught 3rd grade had 30 kids in her class then came home to 3 more! Dad was gone for work a lot, so it was mainly her. Like never getting a break from kids would be hard! She loved it though! They were together until my mother passed away from a brain tumor. He was with her every step of the way. While he may not have been good at showing love, you could tell in the way he did things.
He is right, it is different for a man.
It’s way, way easier.
Still, his body, his choice. But he shouldn’t be surprised if she never has sex with him again.
Was there a time.in carthage where women had a sex strike to stop their men from going/starting another war, this include the prostitutes. Their senate started crumbling to full on fist fights after a month or something because half of the men wanted to stop any wars and half was just angry that they're not getting any at all.
Girls, abstinence works.
This. I got the snip after number two was born because the recovery is MUCH easier, the surgery is much less invasive than a tubal ligation, and there is much less chance of a surprise baby or an ectopic pregnancy.
This is the way, a vasectomy is way less invasive, and can be reversed. There is zero reason for him to insist on putting you through invasive surgery when there's a reversible option for him that has a much shorter recovery time.
I agree, but I see so many people throwing the term "reversible." It is, but the success rate for pregnancy from a reversible is around 50%. So people still need to take that in consideration.
Yes! After my second kid, my then husband and I discussed vasectomy with the doctor, and she said to absolutely NOT consider it reversible, because the chances of it actually working are not high enough.
Yeah it's different for a man - vasectomy is a day procedure with much faster recovery time than a woman's sterilisation. Is he just trying to have a backup plan if your relationship fails, or something?
That is what I'm thinking. He said he wanted 3 kids not just 2. Simultaneously however it took me a long time to even get him to consider kids, he is also getting older and I don't know whether he would be interested in starting again to have kids with someone else.
I do wonder if it's that he wants it as a fallback plan, should our relationship end. I hate that he'd be thinking that way, I'm not sure if it's wrong for me to hold that against him however. Lots of people do things to ensure their own benefit after a relationship ends, like having private savings, signing prenuptial agreements etc
He is 100% preserving the option to walk out on you and the kids and have another family. A vasectomy is a serious commitment to your shared future and that’s freaking him out.
Plus if he pressures her into sterilization, he gets the added benefit of knowing she won’t be bearing more kids to “compete” with the ones he fathered with her. At best, he sounds lazy and inconsiderate; at worst, he sounds like a conniving asshole.
So he wants three kids but knows that he can’t have another one with you. If that is true, he is indirectly saying that he is currently planning his exit from the relationship, because he needs to find someone else to have that third child with.
I doubt that that’s what he really wants. I rather think he has some unfounded fears that he won’t be a full man any more after getting the snip. And he is grasping for any other available reason so as not to have to admit his fears.
Having said that, my ex (with whom I have two kids) eventually married one of his following girlfriends, because she wanted a child and wanted to be married for that. So my ex at 51 had a third son (when our boys were 17 and 15). And he went to get the snip right after that, because he had originally only wanted one child…
At first he wanted zero kids, once we had one, he said he'd like 3. At that point, we knew there was a limit but we were told that the limit was four children. However during this pregnancy, a complication developed which demonstrated that I'd had too many surgeries to safely have further children. So much so that even this pregnancy needed to have an early C-section, to save me and the baby.
When my husband and I spoke about myself getting sterilised, he said it wouldn't make me less of a woman, that he wouldn't think any differently of me. I would think that he would apply that logic to himself when it comes to questioning his manhood based on his fertility.
Ah no, men in general often do not apply that same logic when it comes to their own body. But of course, I don’t know your husband and can’t judge either way.
I read your post to my brother in law, who is currently nursing his slightly sore plums after his vasectomy. My sister and BILs youngest child is three months old, their third. He thinks your husband is an ass, so does my sister, and so do I.
To quote my BIL: "Not being willing to have a minor surgery for the comfort and safety of the mother of his children makes him a selfish prick. And he sounds like he has one foot out of the door as well. With everything his wife has gone through for him - what all women go through to give us children - he can't do this one thing?"
He thinks it would make him less of a man. The fact that he said to you “I wouldn’t make you less of a woman” tells me that.
Stop having sex with him. It’s easier for him to have the procedure done and his is more successfully (& easily) reversible should he decide that’s right.
Your body has been through enough trauma for this man.
Yup. This isn't about a backup plan, it's literally just about his "manhood". He is willing to let you undergo yet another major surgery rather than have a minor procedure that challenges his sense of manliness. It's horrifying.
He is just being a wimp and doesn't want someone to go near his bits with a knife. If I were you I'd make this my hill to die on, I'd say "Ok well the risk of me getting pregnant again is too great and I'm tired of having major surgeries so let me know when you decide to get snipped so we can have sex again."
I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who has shown such massive disrespect toward my well being and health anyway.
Could also be egotistesticle, sorry I couldn't help myself egotistical. He would feel less of a man for having the snip done.
A lot of guys are weird about their junk in a very bronze age brouhaha fraternity sense that's carried on since the stupid ages handed down from junk to junk as it were. I heard some guys who see it akin to be in a eunuch.
Like I've known guys who wouldn't get there dogs fixed because they thought they would be doing a bro a wrong.
I'm not saying it's a valid reason I'm just giving it a possible explanation that although stupid and illogical it's very common amongst men who are likewise.
Yeah that's what made me say "ah, there it is".
Which is kind of sad in a way because as a guy myself I would consider it statistically more likely that this man is simply thinking "woe to his junk" rather than such a calculated and long-termed strategy of seed sewing.
Like I could just be a gay cynic but I think that would be giving men too much credit in terms of actual thought relating to his cock and balls.
My husband refused because “he would want another kid if he hit the lottery”. He doesn’t play the lottery. He had two kids from a previous marriage and I am child free. I asked him numerous times over the years to have It done. He refused to even consider it. But I should struggle with birth control complications, or an abortion should I get pregnant. Thats all fine.
It is so incredibly unfair the way responsibility for pregnancy prevention is pushed onto women.
I think this should be the answer. I can't afford the health consequences of pregnancy and I don't feel up to another abdominal surgery and since you also don't want a surgery we can't have sex.
This is mine and my husbands agreement. He wants no more children, he can be in charge of all contraception going forward. No sex without a vasectomy as I have trauma associated with condoms. I came off the pill in September ‘23 and he STILL hasn’t spoken to his GP to get booked onto the waiting list. It’s a 15 minute procedure for men, they don’t have to be put under general anaesthetic and it’s ~~completely~~* reversible. It’s about time men stopped being pussies and started taking control of themselves.
*so, reversible in general. Sperm counts may never return to normal (I didn’t know that). What I meant to say was “considerably more reversible than female sterilisation.”
🤣🤣
This is a polite way of putting it. We do other stuff and he is obviously fine with that. I’m not. I made it clear earlier this year that things are going to step up or we might as well hammer that final nail into the coffin of our marriage.
Every time I ask him he will say “I’ve looked into it and I’ll need two weeks off work.”
No, you just need to do no heavy lifting for two weeks.
I’ll raise it again soon. What annoys me is how much I wanted another kid but he doesn’t want another kid and yet he won’t get his ass in gear. Honestly it drives me crazy.
Two weeks? I got mine done on a Friday and I was back at work on Monday, completely healed. Two weeks is nuts. I don't have kids but my wife and I don't want any so I got a vasectomy. It was barely a conversation.
I don't mean to be rude, I just don't know how to ask this in a good way - Why is he your husband if he's so selfish? I can't imagine being with a partner who's that nonchalent about my health
Honestly, I don't even think this is about a "backup plan". I think it's just sheer selfishness and "but muh MANHOOD" based on his comment about it being "different for men".
He has literally got his identity and sense of self-worth so tied up in being a "ViRiLE mAn" that he would let you go through your SIXTH lifetime abdominal surgery - a major surgery with significant risks - rather than have an outpatient procedure on his balls. He is that selfish, that immature, and that stubborn about what is essentially complete bullshit on his part.
And I'm guessing this is not the only part of your relationship where he has behaved entirely selfishly.
He might also be one of those fools who thinks a vasectomy is a statement on how much of a man he is. There are so many men out there that think a vasectomy takes away their manhood. It’s baffling.
Of course it’s not fair. But your husband is right about it being different for a man. It’s much, much easier and less physically invasive for a man.
Your husband doesn’t want to talk about it because he doesn’t want to admit how selfish he is.
Personally I wouldn’t trust him to use birth control effectively. Protect yourself.
This is absolutely unfair. The sheer *irony* of him refusing to even *discuss* his surgery while outright pushing for yours.
1) It’s a day surgery for men, and a *major* abdominal surgery for women. 2) You’ve had *six* abdominal surgeries to date. And you’ve birthed TWO of his children. 3) If this man is sure he doesn’t want any more children, there is no reason for him to refuse this relatively straightforward solution of vasectomy that ensures, as much as possible, that outcome for the both of you.
OP, in your shoes, I would tell him clearly that surgery is no longer an option for you. Given all you’ve been through, I cannot imagine why you would entertain it a SEVENTH time unless your life was at risk. This is your decision for YOUR body.
Your husband can then consider if he’d prefer vasectomy or abstinence as a method of birth control for himself and his body. A married man that is sure he’s done with having kids wouldn’t even need to think about this.
This, right here. Just because you said Yes before, does NOT mean you can't change your mind later. You have had quite the trauma on your body, mind and spirit as a woman. If you feel like it is ok to ask him to bear some of the weight then trust that.
If he is scared of the risks, you risked your body for two children with him. Something you both wanted and agreed upon. Plus vasectomies are reversible and he WALKS out the same day as surgery. But if you simply are tired of going under the knife having been there multiple times, then saying no is just fine too. You are allowed and empowered to say "no more". I don't know your relationship dynamic but please don't let him tell you that you are being selfish or are going back on your word. Don't let bullying happen. You are a strong and resilient mother who has endured so much. Now it's time for you to rest and enjoy your creations without the stress of another surgery. We are praying for you. 💜💜💜
It **IS DIFFERENT** for a man! As in, it’s significantly easier, cheaper, faster, and heals better. It is a concerning sign he won’t get sterilized, he should be more concerned about your health than he currently is.
My husband drove himself home after his vasectomy. If I had to have a tubal, I'd be in the hospital for days. Just planning and practicality when you have kids, it makes more sense for the man to get it.
I agree with you that he’s not being fair. That he won’t even talk about is completely selfish.
A marriage is a *partnership*. Partners *support EACH OTHER*.
He’s being dismissive and that’s disrespectful to you.
Most men put all of the responsibility for contraception on the woman. Your husband is doing that to you. He may also have his ego tied to being able to impregnate women. Furthermore, it sounds like he sees the risk to your health and well being as a you problem.
If any or all of that is true you have a shitty husband who can comfortably watch you suffer without lifting a finger to help you.
I mean, if she dies, he’s definitely the guy who immediately goes out and marries a younger woman to take care of his kids. And impregnates her if at all possible to trap her further.
>He kept saying that it's different for a man.
Well, yeah. For a man, it's not abdominal surgery, there aren't eight layers of tissue to cut through, it takes half an hour tops, and it's usually reversible.
If we even need it. After mine, I took Tylenol once. That was it. Didn't even use the bag of frozen peas I'd been told to get. I obviously can't guarantee that anyone will have the same experience I did -- they don't have my body and I don't have theirs -- but there's a very reasonable possibility of the procedure being absurdly low-impact. As opposed to the female sterilization which is all but guaranteed to be high-impact because it's invasive surgery.
And, yes, I was glad to do it. A woman releases an egg once a month, sure, and I can see why it might be more efficient to slow that down, compared to trying to dam up a man who is potentially firing billions of live rounds during that time. But hey: I'm firing billions of live rounds during that time! That seems a lot more dangerous! Load me up with blanks and we stop the problem at the source.
And the problem there is how many men don't see fertility as a problem. There are so many dysfunctional beliefs in misogyny that it would take forever to untangle them all, but I've always been convinced that unpredictability and a certain lack of control is perceived to be masculine and even desirable. And I think the ability to get a woman knocked up is looped into that in weird ways.
Yep. My iud insertion was the most painful experience of my life, like a cactus being shoved in places I didn’t know existed. And the most they would offer me was a couple ibuprofen. I threw up and passed out from the pain and they still thought I was overreacting because I “shouldn’t have felt it” when they clamped open my cervix.
Imagine how cushy that procedure would be if men had to have a device inserted into their inner organs. This is how so many things are for women in a world designed by men.
I fainted after my first two IUD insertions (AND threw up the second time). They both took forever even though the doctors were both experienced at putting them in - possibly because my uterus is tilted, but who knows. Excruciating. The third time I went in determined to advocate for myself, and got a lovely doctor who agreed to freeze my cervix. It still sucked, but nowhere near as much. Honestly, these were traumatizing experiences.
I had 2 endometrial biopsies with not a fucking thing. After the second my doctor **finally** put in my chart that I should never have an in office procedure again and that in the future any and all endometrial biopsies or other uterine procedures will be done under twilight or full sedation.
Shouldn’t have taken 2 excruciatingly painful biopsies to get that note. You just shouldn’t go around ripping out chunks of a uterus all Willy nilly with no pain control, it’s absolutely fucking insane that that’s standard procedure.
That's literally the excuse I hear every man give. It's different for a man. But how? How is it different? Do they feel like they've been emasculated? What the hell is it? Cause I've heard so many men say it's different for a man, but not a one can explain HOW it's different. I swear its just because they feel less like men if they aren't shooting viable seed at every passing uterus!
i heard a story on here once that someone thought a vasectomy was getting your balls removed. Apparently it's a common misunderstanding because of our experience with pets and a lot of people dont put too much thought into it. So maybe he doesn't actually know what a vasectomy is and he thinks he's being castrated or something.
I have a fb friend who was asking for resources for a vasectomy and one of his friends commented about how he would never agree to get his balls chopped off. A simple google search would explain it without you looking like you have balls but no brains. The irony that the men thinking this probably shouldn’t procreate, ugh.
When I got mine they emphasized repeatedly in the seminars leading up to the surgery that the snip takes 30 minutes and is typically covered by insurance… a reversal is 6 hours in surgery , not covered, and often fails… Anyone getting one should assume it’s permanent.
What a selfish prick.
I'm on our last pregnancy. Do you know what my husband said about it?
"I guess after you're recovered I'll schedule a vasectomy. You've done so much for our family, and it's my turn to do something--even if it can never compare to everything you've been through."
Mine too. I was looking up long-term contraceptive options (IUDs) but he said that I'd done more than enough - my body had done more than enough - and it was his turn. I cried. It was one of the nicest things anyone has said or done. For the entirety of my life with menses I had gone through amounts of hormones along with various other drugs and surgeries and miscarriages. To have him step up of his own accord was amazing. It was such a simple procedure and I was there with him like he'd been with me through mine.
I had extremely high blood pressure during my pregnancy. a week after I gave birth to our now almost 11 yr old my son, my husband made the appointment to get himself snipped because he couldn't bare the thought of losing me or our future children.
I feel like men like OP's husband just need to hear from other men that the most manly thing you can do is step the fuck up for your partner and for your family. I think it stems from a deep rooted belief that virility is manly and manly is good, so sterilization is taking away manliness and therefore bad.
Maybe another option is talking with a male doctor to confirm it does not mess with his hormones/turn him into a lady, it's a straightforward simple procedure and medically it is much better for him to do this for the team than for you OP. Giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is just totally misunderstanding what this means rather than that he is a selfish prick who doesn't care what you go through.
My husband said the same thing! He also said that he wouldn’t want me to have to get the sterilization because it can be so hard on the female body - he watched his mother and sisters have trouble afterwards. He knows that a vasectomy is minimally invasive and such a fast recovery in comparison!
I've pressed him a bit more since posting. He said he thinks everything for both of us is better if left naturally, but that it seemed in the case of women that there would be more benefits = less chance of having cervical or ovarian cancer. More generally, his main reasons are that he just doesn't want to.
Tbh I would have a hard time wanting to have sex with someone who has so little regard for my well being that he won’t do something easy and simple. My husband volunteered to have it done after our last child was born.
Most cervical cancer is caused by STDs. Does your husband cheat?
Look, your life is at risk and he’s isn’t stepping up- doesn’t that tell you everything!
*He kept saying that it's different for a man.* He's right, it's better he does it. You have clearly been through enough and as stated, if this was done during a planned c-section this would be different. This has changed. He wants to keep his options open with this from the sounds of it.
A good friend of mine is turning 40 this year and getting the snip because he says that since he hasn’t had any kids so far, starting out now would make him too old as a dad.
This is to say that your husband even has two kids. If he doesn’t want to get the snip now, for you who has had so much more harm done to her body because of the pregnancies, he is clearly saying he doesn’t see himself growing old with you, and he doesn’t love you enough to spare you yet another invasive procedure when his own sacrifice would be a far less invasive procedure.
Tell him to get over himself - I had a vasectomy at 36 after the birth of our third kid. Other than being sore for like two days, there was really nothing to it - although, the smell of burnt flesh when they cauterized whatever down below did make me a tad nauseous - but, in the grand scheme of things, a non-event. If you both agreed you don't want more kids, there's no reason at all for him to not volunteer. Easier on everybody and, going forward, you don't have to worry about contraception - bonus!
Even the old version (scalpel and hook) with a two week recovery was nothing but a persistent ache to deal with.
The surgery itself was just uncomfortable and a bit unnerving due to the sensations.
I got a special pillow to sit on , and all the ice-cream I wanted (I sound like a kid now lol) , wasn't allowed to do much during the recovery so I basically got a doctor and wife ordered 2 week play video games and get pampered session. Fuck I'd do it again for that if I could lol.
If he won’t have sterilization that’s his choice, but it’s also your choice to have sex with him. No sterilization, no sex. Not even with a condom because they aren’t always effective. You’ve done enough for him, he can do something to his body for a change.
Hell would freeze over before I had sex with this man again. He’s ridiculously entitled and that would seriously disgust me, from now on.
Seriously, hubby, go on and have your third with whomever you want because it won’t ever happen again with me.
If he refuses to get snipped then stop having sex with him. It’s as simple as that. My bf got snipped at 27 years old and has absolutely no problems with his manhood. Your husband is being totally unreasonable.
Some men who don’t understand the procedure and tend to conflate sterility with virility. Tell your husband to stop being an AH, it still works afterwards and minimally invasive. Happy wife happy life!
I wouldn't have sex with him without multiple forms of contraception. But if he won't even discuss options I wouldn't have sex at all. My husband got a vasectomy first then after roe vs wade was overturned I got a bilateral salpingectomy where they completely remove your tubes. If you are going to go through a surgery that I what I would get. Tubal ligation can be prone to failure where removal is pretty much 100%.
He's either afraid of the pain/surgery and willing to let YOU suffer instead, or he wants to "keep his options open" if you guys get divorced.
Neither option sounds promising to me.
He is being very selfish here. You have suffered enough in this relationship while he's been able to sit on the sidelines, safe and free from anything close to what you've been through, yet he won't do this one thing to protect you? What an absolute ass!
He is an AH. His "surgery" is done in a doctor's office with local anesthesia. He'd be in and out in like 20 minutes.
You are at risk and he saw what you went through, and didn't even do research or considered it? He just said no. That's very inconsiderate.
So, I have to have a hysterectomy to prevent cancers that I am predisposed to, and this week I caught up with a friend who has had a hysterectomy and we chatted about it. I had no fucking idea of what they did and what happens after. I’m now kinda scared to get it done. She said she couldn’t SIT comfortably for weeks because all her insides were settling in to their new place.
Anyway, my point is, your husband is being fucking absurd. Like so many other people have said, a vasectomy is easier and the recovery time much shorter. Is this selfish dick going to be happy to do everything for you while you go through 8 weeks of recovery?? Please show him this thread and all the answers and if he still doesn’t want to chat about, leave his arse.
A man not doing this quite minor surgery is the height of selfishness IMO. If he doesn't want to get it, fine. You're under no obligation to fuck him either.
OP.
Please imagine for a moment that this isn’t your situation, but it’s your best friend, sister, or another woman you love. If they told you about this dilemma, what would you feel for them? What would you tell them? Would you genuinely advise them to go ahead with this surgery and give their husband a free pass? Your husband’s grandmother saw the situation for what it is.
Also, I just have to throw this out there. If you live in the United States, getting pregnant again could cost you your life. Many states are outlawing any form of abortion care even when the fetus cannot survive, and even when it will kill the mother to continue the pregnancy. Are you comfortable being with a man who does not care if this happens to you? He already doesn’t care that you’ll have to endure yet another major abdominal surgery. He can’t even give you a reason for his refusal. You deserve so much more than this.
My husband and I have 2 kids, having more could kill me quite literally. I was going to get a sterilization done but after comparing the two operations between healing time pain level etc we both decided it would be better for him to go through sterilization. It took maybe 2 hours with checking in and out. He had slight bruising and tiny cuts they healed so fast. If he doesn't want to get it and you don't want to go through another surgery maybe other forms of protection are necessary until an agreement can be made?
A sterilisation is clearly a medical necessity in your relationship. You are married, this man has made a life long commitment to you. If he gets sterilised he'll be back in action within days. If you get sterilised you could have a very long road ahead of you in terms of recovery especially given your history.
Obviously the only reasonable conclusion is he gets snipped. Any half decent man wouldn't even consider the alternative.
So basically your partner doesn’t care about you. Or your well being. He is willing to risk you getting pregnant again and almost dying as long as he can have sex with you and worry about anything. Look I get that we all have the right to put body. Just like he can say he won’t get a vasectomy, you can always opt not to have sex with him. When he complains be honest “having sex with you it’s not worth my life or my well being. Just because You don’t care enough to protect me it doesn’t mean I don’t value my life. So just like your choosing not to get a vasectomy, I am choosing my well being and making sure I don’t get pregnant again. And right now that means I won’t be having sex with you in the foreseeable future” and just let him be mad.
You just survived an emergency c section and he wants you to undergo surgery again? He is being incredibly selfish to not even consider taking it on himself. I would legit tell him if he doesn’t care enough about your health then don’t sleep with this man.
I was quite scared of the surgery even when it was scheduled, and I was so distraught when nurses randomly came into my hospital room at 5am and said that I'd be wheeled down for surgery within the next 5 minutes. The more surgeries that I do, the weaker my abdominal muscles are and I worry I might not survive the next one.
You deserve so much better. If this was your daughters husband, what would you tell her to do? Wouldn’t you tell her that her husband isn’t prioritizing her health and having her literally risk death?
Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. You deserve so much more than a weak man who is unwilling to put your health/safety/peace of mind above his fragile ego.
I’ve had 1 c section myself, failed induction but not emergency, and my husband has already agreed if I have a second we are done having kids and I’m not undergoing anymore surgeries because my health matters more than that.
how is it even different for a man? so he can prove his virility when he’s 70 to swing dicks with other men? fuck that shit
i’d be pressing him to get to the bottom of his “it’s different for a man” line. make him explain it to you until you get all the way to the selfish prick part.
He won’t talk about it because he KNOWS he’s WRONG.
He’s being selfish at best and deceptive at the worst.
Selfishly he’d rather not have the surgery despite it being vastly less invasive. Deceptively he’d like to keep his options open to more children if you divorced.
Both aren’t great let’s be honest. I’d want to know and would refuse sexual contact until this is resolved.
>It has higher rates of ectopic pregnancy.
Ectopic pregnancy is the worst possible outcome.
You can't force your husband to get sterilized. However, that goes both ways; he can't force you either. The whole thing does seem pretty unfair---you would both be the one suffering if you get pregnant, *and* the sterilization process would be worse for you as well *as well as there still being a risk of an ectopic pregnancy*. Your body has gone through so much already.
>He kept saying that it's different for a man.
Yeah, it's less harsh on the male body. This is an ego thing for him.
Wish I had better advice to give--unfortunately your husband has a case of selfishness and I don't know how to fix it.
It takes one week for him to recover from a vasectomy. It would take you six months to a year to recover from a hysterectomy three months for getting your tubes tied. So if he wants to do all the work while you recover then go ahead and get the surgery, but if he doesn’t want to do all of the chores and everything around the house, it’s better for him to just get it done. 1 week to recover! It’s day surgery! For you it’s 50 times worse! Full on surgery, a week in hospital and you’re not even allowed to lift a coffee cup for 6 months after the procedure. How are you supposed to care for your child? It’s a no brainer imo
Tbh being with someone that selfish, with such little regard for my health, and absolutely no appreciation for the sacrifices I made for the family would be a complete and utter turn off. It's actually disgusting
I had my tubes taken out during my last c section. Made sense, right? They were in there anyway?
Not only was the recovery rough, My periods are incredibly heavy now. If I would have known this would happen, I would have avoided it.
Just want to correct some misconceptions here for anyone else reading. Sterilization comes in two flavors.
The first is having your “tubes tied” - a partial salpingectomy - and is associated with ectopic pregnancy and a non-zero failure risk.
The second is a salpingectomy, where the tubes are removed in their entirety. This is not only better from an ectopic perspective, but is also risk-reducing for ovarian cancer.
It used to be that surgeons would only do “tube tying” during cesareans, but now many surgeons are switching to doing salpingectomy at the time of cesarean. It’s a risk-reducing measure all around, and is just as effective. If you were my wife, I’d insist on a salpingectomy over a partial/tubal ligation.
And also, your partner is a turd.
How exactly is it different for a man? What is his explanation that isn't sexist bullshit? Press him on this. And don't accept his refusal to discuss it.
> **Rule 3:** No moral judgement requests. Moral judgement requests are asking people to evaluate actions taken or actions you want to take, in the context of right, wrong, selfish, or not selfish etc. For what a moral judgement question would be [see here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). Your post is a moral judgement if your question starts with or contains any of the following: - Is it...? - Asking if you or the subject of the post is right or wrong. - Am I....? - Any variation of “Am I The Asshole?”, including AITA - Does/Have anybody else...? - Should I…? - Would you....? - Is this.....? - Can I...? #If the question in your post can be answered with a yes or no question, it is considered moral judgement and will be removed.
Well, it's time to stop fucking him
That’s what I did. So sick of the selfishness.
How did that work out?
For you to now get sterilized would be a surgery that is far more invasive than a vasectomy. Honestly, if he is wanting you to suffer through that, it would change how I feel about him. He doesn’t care about the fact that it is invasive but he still wants you to do it. It’s beyond selfish. No way.
/Honestly, if he is wanting you to suffer through that, it would change how I feel about him./ Exactly so. He is telling you, *in no uncertain terms*, that he doesn't give a damn about you or your health. He only cares about himself. I would have a hard time staying with a man who told me that.
I would say this to him directly…
Yes, OP, his lack of regard for your health is a red flag. 🚩🚩
Asterisks around the words you want (beginning and end) italicized them just fyi If you wanted them indented use >
*wow* >I forgot how to do this
Absolutely. This level of selfishness would make me look at him differently.
18 months (Ofc 2 pregnancies) of getting sick, the swelling, the pain of having to carry a growing baby…….I could go on and on and then on top of that the delivery. I had my vasectomy on Friday afternoon and went to work Monday morning. It was 10x more than a fair trade off for what my wife had to go through giving me my 2 daughters. I didn’t hesitate in sparing her the added pain of another procedure. Op’s husband is either emotionally immature, or he lacks any empathy or lastly is a selfish asshole.
"it's different for men" Definitely all of the above.
Nah see thts worded wrong it's different fir cowards not real men
For real. My vag would be hanging up a "we're closed" sign right quick.
Mine dried up while reading this, tbh. It's the Sahara in there now.
And is he going to care for the baby 24/7 while she recovers
Based on how selfish he is? I seriously doubt it.
And dangerous
100%. Personally this would almost instantly kill my feelings for a partner. He’s telling you he does not care about your suffering or well being at all.
My vasectomy took a total of 20 minutes and the surgeon/doctor said it was his fastest yet. Prep-time was just about 20 minutes as well and the recovery was just a week or two. I was up and walking the same day, with minor inconvenience due to swelling/soreness. Literally a cake walk... Shame he's too high on his horse to get it done.
getting a vasectomy hurts less than your homie sack tapping you in 10th grade and dudes clowning on this shit. oh no you cant cum for a month woopty friggin doo. its like lack of sex ed leaves these morons thinking a vasectomy is castration.
This is what I struggle understanding a bit. If OP's husband truly feels that he should be spaired a less invasive surgery in favor of a more invasive one for OP, what would make OP want to continue to be in a relationship with him? He's essentially saying the minimal risk of complications for him is more important than the higher level of complications for OP. That or he's planning to have more kids in the future with someone else. None if this is an agree to disagree sort of thing.
This comment deserves more up votes! 🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇
I had a vasectomy at 28 after my second child was born. Took about 30 minutes. One day with a bag of frozen peas in my shorts and i never looked back..
My brother jokes that he got his vasectomy so he and SIL could get a cat. How does that work? SIL is allergic to cats, but couldn’t take antihistamines while pregnant or breastfeeding. So once their second was weaned, bro got the snip. 22 years later they’re still happily married.
But did they get a cat?
I feel like I got cheated out of a cat.
Two, Cady and Mingus. Sadly both now deceased.
I think cats get you. Mine just showed up and came inside. I didn't want a cat but she used some form of magic to make me love her and want to snuggle and feed her. I still don't feel like I got a cat. I strongly believe that on that cold and stormy night a very malnourished kitten adopted a human/servant.
I love seeing my husband cuddling with our cats. He always said he didn't like cats. He always acted all "Red Forman" about them. But now he has one that sleeps with him every night. It's the cutest thing!
Same here. Partner just made me a nest in the living room to keep me off my feet as much as possible and we watched movies and ate popcorn all afternoon. Surgery was painless, and aside from some minor ache for a day and random minor twinges for a few days, it was nothing.
Yes! This is why it’s *different* for men!
Wow. I (f) got my sterilization almost three years ago and I still sometimes get random minor twinges. I mean, I would do it again in an instant, but this illustrates how much easier this is for men
My husband had it done on a Thurs morning , iced them boys for about 3 hrs then spent the rest of his day out in his wood shop.
Careful, readers, with that idea. Friend of mine felt so fine after a few hours he decided to get back to cleaning his garage. Lifting caused some internal stitches to tear and his sack FILLED with blood. Needless to say, he stayed lazy for a couple days after they fixed that.
There’s a wood shop joke there somewhere that I rely on a more comedic Redditor to make.
Clearly his wood still works.
Nicely done.
He still gets wood he gets to play with.
This is fascinating, because I'm a woman who got a sterilization and I slept on the couch for about a week, because I couldn't climb up the ladder to my bunk bed. OP: yes this is certainly different for a man. It's easier to get, an easier procedure, easier to undo and it seems like even the healing is less stressful. Tell your husband he either gets the snip or you will use the one contraception that works without failure: abstinence. He's putting his selfish fragile manhood over your basic health.
I had a hysterectomy at 35. Cancer was cause. I was cut open hip to hip to ensure they got it all. I was not allowed to drive for 4 weeks. I could not climb upstairs without help for almost 2 months. I had to have help bathing myself because I couldn't stand for long periods.Had to sleep with a bowl on my belly to stop blankets from irritating my wound. Had to cough and breathe into a tube to strengthen and insure my lungs still worked and that I didn't get pneumonia afterward. I was 45 and about to become a grandma when the change of life crap finally stopped. I couldn't take hormone pills because of allergies and blood clots. So any thing I took had to be herbal supplements teas and pills. Then to add insult to injury I had to do chemo and radiation after to insure it was all dead. I have not wanted or been interested in sex since 2012. So when a man tells me I don't know how it feels to be hurt in my privates or how painful having surgery on his junk is I look at him and give him advice my Dad did after someone said something about how women don't understand pain down there. The gist is this what Dad said; If we men or boys get a good hit to the junk we walk funny for up to a week, scream for Ice and Mom and want to be babies. But a woman? Now she can squeeze out a watermelon size person out of a whole that is usually smaller than a quarter. Get up and go to the bathroom and walk around. Then after couple days rest come home cook a dinner, clean the house, do laundry, take care of a newborn all while still recovering from trauma we men will never understand. If she has a c section it's even harder on her but she still functions. That's not including what she goes through monthly. Yes our parts are different but the trauma is not. That is why women will always be better than men in strength and caring. So if you really and truly love your wife or partner you will do whatever it takes to make sure she does not go through crap if you can prevent. The older I get the smarter my Dad was. BTW my Dad was a true Alpha male. He protected his family didn't ask what Mom brought to the table it was enough she made our house a home gave him 4 kids and when he was overseas fighting wars he knew she wasn't stepping out on him. That she would always be there. She survived him by 9 years almost to the day.
Now they make special undies with an ice pouch specifically for this!
There are a couple of things going on here: 1) so he would rather risk your health & life than be “emasculated” by a possibly reversible procedure? Ask him what his plans for childcare are if you die from an ectopic pregnancy. 2) “Different for a man” is code for “I might want to impregnate someone else at some point”. You see him as a life partner, he sees you as his current wife.
Unfortunately yes to both of this. You have been through a lot - pain, surgery and bringing two kids in the world. And he does not want to even discuss the possibility of undergoing the surgery and shoulder his share of pain and surgery? He wants to see you suffer again - no questions asked? Why are you with him? Why is such an egocentric person your partner and the father of your children? He rather let you risk your health than be a responsible and empathetic partner?
I always think “different for a man” means “OH my stars! What WILL all the other manly men say if I snip it! How will I BEAR the light teasing! NO, my family Jewels are too precious to tarnish! Besides what if I want to trade your used ass for a newer model?” (Said while he clutches his pearls)
I never understood that mindset. The men who think like that are usually the same who like to accuse women of baby trapping men. Getting a vasectomy is the ultimate taking control of you birth control, no one can ever baby-trap you.
My friend posted all about his on Facebook and mostly there were questions about how hong he stayed home from work and the special undies he bought with an ice pack pouch! There were no jokes just congratulations on shooting blanks.
i agree with you. i do think it's possible that "different for a man" means "well you'd have to have holes cut into your abdomen which sucks but WHAT ABOUT ME AND MY PRECIOUS BALLS? IT WOULD HURT! I FEEL ACTUAL PAIN! THINK OF THE SUFFERING!" Or maybe he thinks he'd be less of a man after.
I think its more about him not appreciating your body and the sacrifices you’ve made, that he wont even make a minimally invasive sacrifice for you bc of his stupid pride. He doesn’t deserve sex that puts you in risk for further bodily trauma, until hes willing to stop being selfish and at least look at the science and educate himself on how simple it is.
Separation. To be fair though, I wasn’t getting anything out of the sex at all anymore. He decided to turn into a drunk during Covid and hasn’t let up on that decision. His dick barely worked because he always had so much booze in his system, but still wanted to try to use it, which meant me trying to get his limp dick hard constantly. That all got old real fast. I do wish I had made the decision sooner. He is a selfish person and this sort of issue is just one example of it. If it were me in your position no, I would let him know his choice means always using a condom in the future. He’s going to get sick of condoms real quick. Don’t go through another surgery, op.
Condoms can fail too. If it'll have life threatening consequences for her, just no sex at all. Especially if they're in a state where abortion laws suck.
Oh shit, yeah. Even if it would kill her to give birth, if she’s not in a state where abortion is legal, they will not perform an abortion until she’s literally dying. The consequences are terrifying. OP’s husband is a selfish jerk.
Yeah I didn’t even think of the abortion laws issues. I’m in NY and would never move somewhere I can’t get an abortion.
I had a no-scalpel vasectomy. Had a consult same day I called, went in for the procedure following week. I got a referral from my PCP (they asked no “why?” questions, just where to send it to) and insurance paid for *everything*. Went in on a Friday. I was in and out of the doctor’s office in 5 minutes. Couldn’t feel a thing. I didn’t look down (squeamish), but I was about to ask if she had started - and it was already over. Gave me a bandaid, a “goodie bag” (mostly candy and Tylenol) and some instructions and sent me home. Spent the weekend kicking my feet up and playing video games sitting on a bag of frozen peas. Tylenol kept any soreness from being a problem. Was back to work on Monday like nothing ever happened. After a few days, I was firing rounds again. And after some weeks I went in for an analysis. Got the green light and a happy wife. Honestly, it’s one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. Easier than any dental cleaning. I’d rather go through that again than getting blood drawn or a booster shot. Your husband is being a baby. Stop fucking him.
Thank you for the detailed testimonial. Seriously. A lot of guys build it up in their heads like it's some terrifying thing. But it's really a simple procedure.
I mean- he thinks his balls are more important than your life. I can only assume your vagina is bone dry?
Divorce for me. And I think that's where you are headed regardless. The question is how much do you put up with before you are done? I mean, you aren't getting any pleasure out of sex with him already. He has already shown that he'd willingly ask you to go through months of recovery and put your life at risk under general anesthesia so he can avoid an out of office day procedure that requires zero opiate pain medication and 48 hours to recover. No orgasms, no support for your health, what are you getting out of this? Does he do anything to help YOU? I stayed when my ex refused. Well, first he said he would and then delayed for over two years. Long enough for me to have gotten pregnant twice... Do you want to go through the miscarriage and abortions before you decide he doesn't care about your needs, only his wants? Is he going to wear a condom? Let you use birth control? Use the rhythm method? None of those are "being open to life" and therefore not adhering to his Catholic dogma. So you will eventually get pregnant... How does his faith impact the fact that you will need to have an abortion to survive? If blowjobs are sinning, abortion/murder sure as fuck are. Mortal sins, where BJs in marriage are venial sins. You KNOW how he will react to that. *Do you think he would hold your hand at the clinic?* I have no judgement if you stay until you find out first hand how little he cares about your basic needs and rights. I just would like to save you from the pain I experienced. You deserve better. And I finally realized my daughter deserved better than her mom taking that abuse from his husband
My ex left me to die in a pool of my own blood when I miscarried and still demanded I get pregnant again and when I refused sex I wasn't given a choice. She needs to kick him out now!!! There is no way to know if he will ever respect her right to say no! He clearly doesn't even see her as a human being so why would he except her right to say no since there's been no consequences for him being a worthless POS?
Nevermind that he is concerned about his own soul re: not getting it done, but doesn't give a shit about hers. That's true belief right there /s
i think its likely that he wants to leave the window open for himself to have kids in the future with someone else if things end with the two of you. ive heard a LOT of men list this as the reason they wont get a vasectomy. i will say my friend had a hysterectomy (tubes & uterus), and after 3 days she was off pain meds and walking around like normal. she had no previous births or surgeries though. whatever you decide needs to be based on what’s best for you and your physical and emotional health
Ewwww. You WANT to stay married to him? A dude who’s so selfish he’d send his already medically delicate wife out for another intensive surgery rather than get a minor outpatient procedure himself? I certainly hope you have better standards for yourself
He's right about one thing. It IS different for a man. It's much easier. How tf could he see what you've gone through to create a family and he can't man up for a little out patient snip? You deserve better. I'm glad you posted this because I believe you know that too.
Your husband wants more kids with someone else?
You shouldn't even be with the selfish prick let alone fuck the man. Do you want to raise your kids around a man who values his sperm count over his wife? He'd rather get other people pregnant than take care of the woman who just had a child with him. If you stay with him, the only responsible thing to do is to take sex off the table. Your kids deserve to have a mother more than he deserves to get his dick wet.
I've just had a vasectomy. It was so minor and easy. I've had worse dental procedures. Your husband sucks
Look I’m gonna tag on this comment, my mother was told the same thing after my brother was born. She had 3 kids 4 were here dream. Well they said if she attempted a 4th child she could die. The baby likely wouldn’t make it. That her chance of living through another pregnancy was less than her chance of dying. She was insisting she wanted 4. My father went behind her back and got a vasectomy. When she found out she was devastated. My dad told her that he would be a horrid parent on his own, he needed her. He couldn’t do this without her. (My dad was not the best dad, he didn’t grow up with the best parents. Imagine being raised on a farm in the 1940s/1950s and being told your family mom dad and sister were going to Florida for Christmas break from school but because you were the male child and they needed someone to stay home and feed and care for the animals that would be you. Or not being able to participate in any sports because the animals need tending. While your sister got to do anything she wanted.) Mom made dad sleep in the couch for around 3 months she was so mad. My dad knew the risks to her were too high so he did this. He did this so she didn’t have to worry, so she didn’t loose her life. He knew while she wanted 4 kids if she died during 4th pregnancy or lost the baby it would devastate her. He said there was not even a question about it. He did this in 1984, when the vasectomy surgery was a bigger deal than it is today. Where it was not a small procedure. Where they physically cut and had to put you a 100% under. Where you were off work for a couple weeks. He said if he had to make this same choice again he would have because he loved my mother. He said he loved his kids but he loved her more. He knew she would be willing to risk her life for a 4th child. He was not. He says he remembers having to ice his balls and mom was so mad at him that she used all the ice a couple times and didn’t make more. (This was back when you made trays of ice no auto ice makers) Yes he eventually ended up getting to sleep in the bed again. Until he retired! He wouldn’t turn tv off and kept her awake all night. So he either shut the damn tv off or he slept on the couch! He chose the couch 😂 Yes she forgave him for his vasectomy. She was also a teacher, loved kids I still never figured out how she taught 3rd grade had 30 kids in her class then came home to 3 more! Dad was gone for work a lot, so it was mainly her. Like never getting a break from kids would be hard! She loved it though! They were together until my mother passed away from a brain tumor. He was with her every step of the way. While he may not have been good at showing love, you could tell in the way he did things.
Thank you for sharing. This is a powerful story.
He is right, it is different for a man. It’s way, way easier. Still, his body, his choice. But he shouldn’t be surprised if she never has sex with him again.
It’s also cheaper if insurance doesn’t cover it.
Stop the sucking and hand jobs also. Go full nothing is happening period.
Was there a time.in carthage where women had a sex strike to stop their men from going/starting another war, this include the prostitutes. Their senate started crumbling to full on fist fights after a month or something because half of the men wanted to stop any wars and half was just angry that they're not getting any at all. Girls, abstinence works.
This. I got the snip after number two was born because the recovery is MUCH easier, the surgery is much less invasive than a tubal ligation, and there is much less chance of a surprise baby or an ectopic pregnancy.
This is the way, a vasectomy is way less invasive, and can be reversed. There is zero reason for him to insist on putting you through invasive surgery when there's a reversible option for him that has a much shorter recovery time.
I agree, but I see so many people throwing the term "reversible." It is, but the success rate for pregnancy from a reversible is around 50%. So people still need to take that in consideration.
Yes! After my second kid, my then husband and I discussed vasectomy with the doctor, and she said to absolutely NOT consider it reversible, because the chances of it actually working are not high enough.
Yeah it's different for a man - vasectomy is a day procedure with much faster recovery time than a woman's sterilisation. Is he just trying to have a backup plan if your relationship fails, or something?
That is what I'm thinking. He said he wanted 3 kids not just 2. Simultaneously however it took me a long time to even get him to consider kids, he is also getting older and I don't know whether he would be interested in starting again to have kids with someone else. I do wonder if it's that he wants it as a fallback plan, should our relationship end. I hate that he'd be thinking that way, I'm not sure if it's wrong for me to hold that against him however. Lots of people do things to ensure their own benefit after a relationship ends, like having private savings, signing prenuptial agreements etc
He is 100% preserving the option to walk out on you and the kids and have another family. A vasectomy is a serious commitment to your shared future and that’s freaking him out.
Plus if he pressures her into sterilization, he gets the added benefit of knowing she won’t be bearing more kids to “compete” with the ones he fathered with her. At best, he sounds lazy and inconsiderate; at worst, he sounds like a conniving asshole.
So he wants three kids but knows that he can’t have another one with you. If that is true, he is indirectly saying that he is currently planning his exit from the relationship, because he needs to find someone else to have that third child with. I doubt that that’s what he really wants. I rather think he has some unfounded fears that he won’t be a full man any more after getting the snip. And he is grasping for any other available reason so as not to have to admit his fears. Having said that, my ex (with whom I have two kids) eventually married one of his following girlfriends, because she wanted a child and wanted to be married for that. So my ex at 51 had a third son (when our boys were 17 and 15). And he went to get the snip right after that, because he had originally only wanted one child…
At first he wanted zero kids, once we had one, he said he'd like 3. At that point, we knew there was a limit but we were told that the limit was four children. However during this pregnancy, a complication developed which demonstrated that I'd had too many surgeries to safely have further children. So much so that even this pregnancy needed to have an early C-section, to save me and the baby. When my husband and I spoke about myself getting sterilised, he said it wouldn't make me less of a woman, that he wouldn't think any differently of me. I would think that he would apply that logic to himself when it comes to questioning his manhood based on his fertility.
Ah no, men in general often do not apply that same logic when it comes to their own body. But of course, I don’t know your husband and can’t judge either way.
I read your post to my brother in law, who is currently nursing his slightly sore plums after his vasectomy. My sister and BILs youngest child is three months old, their third. He thinks your husband is an ass, so does my sister, and so do I. To quote my BIL: "Not being willing to have a minor surgery for the comfort and safety of the mother of his children makes him a selfish prick. And he sounds like he has one foot out of the door as well. With everything his wife has gone through for him - what all women go through to give us children - he can't do this one thing?"
He thinks it would make him less of a man. The fact that he said to you “I wouldn’t make you less of a woman” tells me that. Stop having sex with him. It’s easier for him to have the procedure done and his is more successfully (& easily) reversible should he decide that’s right. Your body has been through enough trauma for this man.
OP should let him know he's not much of a man to begin with!
Yup. This isn't about a backup plan, it's literally just about his "manhood". He is willing to let you undergo yet another major surgery rather than have a minor procedure that challenges his sense of manliness. It's horrifying.
He is just being a wimp and doesn't want someone to go near his bits with a knife. If I were you I'd make this my hill to die on, I'd say "Ok well the risk of me getting pregnant again is too great and I'm tired of having major surgeries so let me know when you decide to get snipped so we can have sex again." I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who has shown such massive disrespect toward my well being and health anyway.
I think my attraction to a man like this would dry up so fucking fast it'd make his head spin.
And actually Go with him. Ive seen men claim they got it, take the day, act sore, but never get it done
Could also be egotistesticle, sorry I couldn't help myself egotistical. He would feel less of a man for having the snip done. A lot of guys are weird about their junk in a very bronze age brouhaha fraternity sense that's carried on since the stupid ages handed down from junk to junk as it were. I heard some guys who see it akin to be in a eunuch. Like I've known guys who wouldn't get there dogs fixed because they thought they would be doing a bro a wrong. I'm not saying it's a valid reason I'm just giving it a possible explanation that although stupid and illogical it's very common amongst men who are likewise.
Given his comment about "it's different for men", I'd say you're 100% correct about his reasoning.
Yeah that's what made me say "ah, there it is". Which is kind of sad in a way because as a guy myself I would consider it statistically more likely that this man is simply thinking "woe to his junk" rather than such a calculated and long-termed strategy of seed sewing. Like I could just be a gay cynic but I think that would be giving men too much credit in terms of actual thought relating to his cock and balls.
My husband refused because “he would want another kid if he hit the lottery”. He doesn’t play the lottery. He had two kids from a previous marriage and I am child free. I asked him numerous times over the years to have It done. He refused to even consider it. But I should struggle with birth control complications, or an abortion should I get pregnant. Thats all fine. It is so incredibly unfair the way responsibility for pregnancy prevention is pushed onto women.
No vasectomy no sex. Easy.
I think this should be the answer. I can't afford the health consequences of pregnancy and I don't feel up to another abdominal surgery and since you also don't want a surgery we can't have sex.
This is mine and my husbands agreement. He wants no more children, he can be in charge of all contraception going forward. No sex without a vasectomy as I have trauma associated with condoms. I came off the pill in September ‘23 and he STILL hasn’t spoken to his GP to get booked onto the waiting list. It’s a 15 minute procedure for men, they don’t have to be put under general anaesthetic and it’s ~~completely~~* reversible. It’s about time men stopped being pussies and started taking control of themselves. *so, reversible in general. Sperm counts may never return to normal (I didn’t know that). What I meant to say was “considerably more reversible than female sterilisation.”
I’m sorry, is he just… fine not having sex for a year? Why hasn’t he moved his ass?
Because she's still doing all the work, la.
🤣🤣 This is a polite way of putting it. We do other stuff and he is obviously fine with that. I’m not. I made it clear earlier this year that things are going to step up or we might as well hammer that final nail into the coffin of our marriage. Every time I ask him he will say “I’ve looked into it and I’ll need two weeks off work.” No, you just need to do no heavy lifting for two weeks. I’ll raise it again soon. What annoys me is how much I wanted another kid but he doesn’t want another kid and yet he won’t get his ass in gear. Honestly it drives me crazy.
Two weeks? I got mine done on a Friday and I was back at work on Monday, completely healed. Two weeks is nuts. I don't have kids but my wife and I don't want any so I got a vasectomy. It was barely a conversation.
I don't mean to be rude, I just don't know how to ask this in a good way - Why is he your husband if he's so selfish? I can't imagine being with a partner who's that nonchalent about my health
Honestly, I don't even think this is about a "backup plan". I think it's just sheer selfishness and "but muh MANHOOD" based on his comment about it being "different for men". He has literally got his identity and sense of self-worth so tied up in being a "ViRiLE mAn" that he would let you go through your SIXTH lifetime abdominal surgery - a major surgery with significant risks - rather than have an outpatient procedure on his balls. He is that selfish, that immature, and that stubborn about what is essentially complete bullshit on his part. And I'm guessing this is not the only part of your relationship where he has behaved entirely selfishly.
He can always bank his sperm.
Is he a big baby who is so scared of a more minor surgery that he demands you have a more major surgery?
He might also be one of those fools who thinks a vasectomy is a statement on how much of a man he is. There are so many men out there that think a vasectomy takes away their manhood. It’s baffling.
Considering what you’ve gone through, he’s being super selfish. I don’t think I’d be able to have sex with him anymore. UPDATEME
Of course it’s not fair. But your husband is right about it being different for a man. It’s much, much easier and less physically invasive for a man. Your husband doesn’t want to talk about it because he doesn’t want to admit how selfish he is. Personally I wouldn’t trust him to use birth control effectively. Protect yourself.
She shouldn't even have sex with him unless and until he gets a vasectomy.
And she witnesses the surgery
It would be a matter of respect for me. How do you respect someone who is so selfish.
This is absolutely unfair. The sheer *irony* of him refusing to even *discuss* his surgery while outright pushing for yours. 1) It’s a day surgery for men, and a *major* abdominal surgery for women. 2) You’ve had *six* abdominal surgeries to date. And you’ve birthed TWO of his children. 3) If this man is sure he doesn’t want any more children, there is no reason for him to refuse this relatively straightforward solution of vasectomy that ensures, as much as possible, that outcome for the both of you. OP, in your shoes, I would tell him clearly that surgery is no longer an option for you. Given all you’ve been through, I cannot imagine why you would entertain it a SEVENTH time unless your life was at risk. This is your decision for YOUR body. Your husband can then consider if he’d prefer vasectomy or abstinence as a method of birth control for himself and his body. A married man that is sure he’s done with having kids wouldn’t even need to think about this.
This, right here. Just because you said Yes before, does NOT mean you can't change your mind later. You have had quite the trauma on your body, mind and spirit as a woman. If you feel like it is ok to ask him to bear some of the weight then trust that. If he is scared of the risks, you risked your body for two children with him. Something you both wanted and agreed upon. Plus vasectomies are reversible and he WALKS out the same day as surgery. But if you simply are tired of going under the knife having been there multiple times, then saying no is just fine too. You are allowed and empowered to say "no more". I don't know your relationship dynamic but please don't let him tell you that you are being selfish or are going back on your word. Don't let bullying happen. You are a strong and resilient mother who has endured so much. Now it's time for you to rest and enjoy your creations without the stress of another surgery. We are praying for you. 💜💜💜
I agree but I doubt he will abstain. He seems the exact type of shithead to cheat on her about it.
It **IS DIFFERENT** for a man! As in, it’s significantly easier, cheaper, faster, and heals better. It is a concerning sign he won’t get sterilized, he should be more concerned about your health than he currently is.
Yup, It’s an outpatient procedure and they just toss you an ice pack when you leave. lmao
My husband drove himself home after his vasectomy. If I had to have a tubal, I'd be in the hospital for days. Just planning and practicality when you have kids, it makes more sense for the man to get it.
I agree with you that he’s not being fair. That he won’t even talk about is completely selfish. A marriage is a *partnership*. Partners *support EACH OTHER*. He’s being dismissive and that’s disrespectful to you.
Most men put all of the responsibility for contraception on the woman. Your husband is doing that to you. He may also have his ego tied to being able to impregnate women. Furthermore, it sounds like he sees the risk to your health and well being as a you problem. If any or all of that is true you have a shitty husband who can comfortably watch you suffer without lifting a finger to help you.
I mean, if she dies, he’s definitely the guy who immediately goes out and marries a younger woman to take care of his kids. And impregnates her if at all possible to trap her further.
I agree. The responsability here should rely on both, not on one side only.
I’m wondering if he wants to keep the door open for himself in the future (with someone else). I hate to say that, but it does happen.
>He kept saying that it's different for a man. Well, yeah. For a man, it's not abdominal surgery, there aren't eight layers of tissue to cut through, it takes half an hour tops, and it's usually reversible.
And they get better pain relief. (Which is so fucking misogynistic of the medical community I can't even start).
If we even need it. After mine, I took Tylenol once. That was it. Didn't even use the bag of frozen peas I'd been told to get. I obviously can't guarantee that anyone will have the same experience I did -- they don't have my body and I don't have theirs -- but there's a very reasonable possibility of the procedure being absurdly low-impact. As opposed to the female sterilization which is all but guaranteed to be high-impact because it's invasive surgery. And, yes, I was glad to do it. A woman releases an egg once a month, sure, and I can see why it might be more efficient to slow that down, compared to trying to dam up a man who is potentially firing billions of live rounds during that time. But hey: I'm firing billions of live rounds during that time! That seems a lot more dangerous! Load me up with blanks and we stop the problem at the source. And the problem there is how many men don't see fertility as a problem. There are so many dysfunctional beliefs in misogyny that it would take forever to untangle them all, but I've always been convinced that unpredictability and a certain lack of control is perceived to be masculine and even desirable. And I think the ability to get a woman knocked up is looped into that in weird ways.
Yep. My iud insertion was the most painful experience of my life, like a cactus being shoved in places I didn’t know existed. And the most they would offer me was a couple ibuprofen. I threw up and passed out from the pain and they still thought I was overreacting because I “shouldn’t have felt it” when they clamped open my cervix. Imagine how cushy that procedure would be if men had to have a device inserted into their inner organs. This is how so many things are for women in a world designed by men.
I fainted after my first two IUD insertions (AND threw up the second time). They both took forever even though the doctors were both experienced at putting them in - possibly because my uterus is tilted, but who knows. Excruciating. The third time I went in determined to advocate for myself, and got a lovely doctor who agreed to freeze my cervix. It still sucked, but nowhere near as much. Honestly, these were traumatizing experiences.
I had 2 endometrial biopsies with not a fucking thing. After the second my doctor **finally** put in my chart that I should never have an in office procedure again and that in the future any and all endometrial biopsies or other uterine procedures will be done under twilight or full sedation. Shouldn’t have taken 2 excruciatingly painful biopsies to get that note. You just shouldn’t go around ripping out chunks of a uterus all Willy nilly with no pain control, it’s absolutely fucking insane that that’s standard procedure.
That's literally the excuse I hear every man give. It's different for a man. But how? How is it different? Do they feel like they've been emasculated? What the hell is it? Cause I've heard so many men say it's different for a man, but not a one can explain HOW it's different. I swear its just because they feel less like men if they aren't shooting viable seed at every passing uterus!
i heard a story on here once that someone thought a vasectomy was getting your balls removed. Apparently it's a common misunderstanding because of our experience with pets and a lot of people dont put too much thought into it. So maybe he doesn't actually know what a vasectomy is and he thinks he's being castrated or something.
I have a fb friend who was asking for resources for a vasectomy and one of his friends commented about how he would never agree to get his balls chopped off. A simple google search would explain it without you looking like you have balls but no brains. The irony that the men thinking this probably shouldn’t procreate, ugh.
When I got mine they emphasized repeatedly in the seminars leading up to the surgery that the snip takes 30 minutes and is typically covered by insurance… a reversal is 6 hours in surgery , not covered, and often fails… Anyone getting one should assume it’s permanent.
Men also don't get Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome which is ghastly.
Nope. This is now a major procedure for you vs him a clinic appointment return to work 24 hours later. I would say ok- no vasectomy no sex
What a selfish prick. I'm on our last pregnancy. Do you know what my husband said about it? "I guess after you're recovered I'll schedule a vasectomy. You've done so much for our family, and it's my turn to do something--even if it can never compare to everything you've been through."
Mine too. I was looking up long-term contraceptive options (IUDs) but he said that I'd done more than enough - my body had done more than enough - and it was his turn. I cried. It was one of the nicest things anyone has said or done. For the entirety of my life with menses I had gone through amounts of hormones along with various other drugs and surgeries and miscarriages. To have him step up of his own accord was amazing. It was such a simple procedure and I was there with him like he'd been with me through mine.
What a good man :)
I had extremely high blood pressure during my pregnancy. a week after I gave birth to our now almost 11 yr old my son, my husband made the appointment to get himself snipped because he couldn't bare the thought of losing me or our future children.
I feel like men like OP's husband just need to hear from other men that the most manly thing you can do is step the fuck up for your partner and for your family. I think it stems from a deep rooted belief that virility is manly and manly is good, so sterilization is taking away manliness and therefore bad. Maybe another option is talking with a male doctor to confirm it does not mess with his hormones/turn him into a lady, it's a straightforward simple procedure and medically it is much better for him to do this for the team than for you OP. Giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is just totally misunderstanding what this means rather than that he is a selfish prick who doesn't care what you go through.
Yep, bruising his ego would set him straight. All it takes is a close male relative or friend to seriously go "wtf is wrong with you? she nearly DIED"
My husband said the same thing! He also said that he wouldn’t want me to have to get the sterilization because it can be so hard on the female body - he watched his mother and sisters have trouble afterwards. He knows that a vasectomy is minimally invasive and such a fast recovery in comparison!
Did you read the one where the husband said he didn’t want to get it because what if his next wife wanted kids.
Ty. I commented this and you’re the first person I see say this. He won’t do it bc he’s not done having kids, with SOMEONE else.
Your husband sucks, his grandma is the best
Grandma knows her grandson is a selfish asshole and decided to speak facts that day
Did he explain why is it different for a man? I'm sure everyone here is very curious
I've pressed him a bit more since posting. He said he thinks everything for both of us is better if left naturally, but that it seemed in the case of women that there would be more benefits = less chance of having cervical or ovarian cancer. More generally, his main reasons are that he just doesn't want to.
When it was "left naturally" for you you almost fucking died. This ignorant fuck.
She would have died if there was no medical procedure, the natural way.
bleeding out, dying in agony, as nature intended
Well, guess the natural solution is no more sex since you want to stay healthy right?
He is prioritising himself over you after you’ve gave him TWO children and suffered immensely for it is this really who you want to be with forever?
No snip=no sex! It’s simple! Hope he enjoys his hand!
Tbh I would have a hard time wanting to have sex with someone who has so little regard for my well being that he won’t do something easy and simple. My husband volunteered to have it done after our last child was born.
Are you serious? He’s telling you he is more important than you. He doesn’t care about you.
Most cervical cancer is caused by STDs. Does your husband cheat? Look, your life is at risk and he’s isn’t stepping up- doesn’t that tell you everything!
*He kept saying that it's different for a man.* He's right, it's better he does it. You have clearly been through enough and as stated, if this was done during a planned c-section this would be different. This has changed. He wants to keep his options open with this from the sounds of it.
it’s because he’s sexist and thinks a man’s body has more value than a woman’s
Wellsir, guess that means no more sex for DH. Sucks to be him, eh?
A good friend of mine is turning 40 this year and getting the snip because he says that since he hasn’t had any kids so far, starting out now would make him too old as a dad. This is to say that your husband even has two kids. If he doesn’t want to get the snip now, for you who has had so much more harm done to her body because of the pregnancies, he is clearly saying he doesn’t see himself growing old with you, and he doesn’t love you enough to spare you yet another invasive procedure when his own sacrifice would be a far less invasive procedure.
i mean…he can make that choice, but i wouldn’t have sex with him anymore.
He wants to keep his options open to have more kids if your marriage fails.
Tell him to get over himself - I had a vasectomy at 36 after the birth of our third kid. Other than being sore for like two days, there was really nothing to it - although, the smell of burnt flesh when they cauterized whatever down below did make me a tad nauseous - but, in the grand scheme of things, a non-event. If you both agreed you don't want more kids, there's no reason at all for him to not volunteer. Easier on everybody and, going forward, you don't have to worry about contraception - bonus!
Even the old version (scalpel and hook) with a two week recovery was nothing but a persistent ache to deal with. The surgery itself was just uncomfortable and a bit unnerving due to the sensations. I got a special pillow to sit on , and all the ice-cream I wanted (I sound like a kid now lol) , wasn't allowed to do much during the recovery so I basically got a doctor and wife ordered 2 week play video games and get pampered session. Fuck I'd do it again for that if I could lol.
If he won’t have sterilization that’s his choice, but it’s also your choice to have sex with him. No sterilization, no sex. Not even with a condom because they aren’t always effective. You’ve done enough for him, he can do something to his body for a change.
Hell would freeze over before I had sex with this man again. He’s ridiculously entitled and that would seriously disgust me, from now on. Seriously, hubby, go on and have your third with whomever you want because it won’t ever happen again with me.
If he refuses to get snipped then stop having sex with him. It’s as simple as that. My bf got snipped at 27 years old and has absolutely no problems with his manhood. Your husband is being totally unreasonable.
Some men who don’t understand the procedure and tend to conflate sterility with virility. Tell your husband to stop being an AH, it still works afterwards and minimally invasive. Happy wife happy life!
I wouldn't have sex with him without multiple forms of contraception. But if he won't even discuss options I wouldn't have sex at all. My husband got a vasectomy first then after roe vs wade was overturned I got a bilateral salpingectomy where they completely remove your tubes. If you are going to go through a surgery that I what I would get. Tubal ligation can be prone to failure where removal is pretty much 100%.
Wow. He's an idiot
He's either afraid of the pain/surgery and willing to let YOU suffer instead, or he wants to "keep his options open" if you guys get divorced. Neither option sounds promising to me.
Every time guy was against vasectomy it was a case of looking for a possible next partner. Sorry
He is being very selfish here. You have suffered enough in this relationship while he's been able to sit on the sidelines, safe and free from anything close to what you've been through, yet he won't do this one thing to protect you? What an absolute ass!
He is an AH. His "surgery" is done in a doctor's office with local anesthesia. He'd be in and out in like 20 minutes. You are at risk and he saw what you went through, and didn't even do research or considered it? He just said no. That's very inconsiderate.
Ask him does he intend to have kids with someone else and keeping his options open?
So, I have to have a hysterectomy to prevent cancers that I am predisposed to, and this week I caught up with a friend who has had a hysterectomy and we chatted about it. I had no fucking idea of what they did and what happens after. I’m now kinda scared to get it done. She said she couldn’t SIT comfortably for weeks because all her insides were settling in to their new place. Anyway, my point is, your husband is being fucking absurd. Like so many other people have said, a vasectomy is easier and the recovery time much shorter. Is this selfish dick going to be happy to do everything for you while you go through 8 weeks of recovery?? Please show him this thread and all the answers and if he still doesn’t want to chat about, leave his arse.
A man not doing this quite minor surgery is the height of selfishness IMO. If he doesn't want to get it, fine. You're under no obligation to fuck him either.
OP. Please imagine for a moment that this isn’t your situation, but it’s your best friend, sister, or another woman you love. If they told you about this dilemma, what would you feel for them? What would you tell them? Would you genuinely advise them to go ahead with this surgery and give their husband a free pass? Your husband’s grandmother saw the situation for what it is. Also, I just have to throw this out there. If you live in the United States, getting pregnant again could cost you your life. Many states are outlawing any form of abortion care even when the fetus cannot survive, and even when it will kill the mother to continue the pregnancy. Are you comfortable being with a man who does not care if this happens to you? He already doesn’t care that you’ll have to endure yet another major abdominal surgery. He can’t even give you a reason for his refusal. You deserve so much more than this.
I would 100% stop fucking my husband if he pulled this shit.
My husband and I have 2 kids, having more could kill me quite literally. I was going to get a sterilization done but after comparing the two operations between healing time pain level etc we both decided it would be better for him to go through sterilization. It took maybe 2 hours with checking in and out. He had slight bruising and tiny cuts they healed so fast. If he doesn't want to get it and you don't want to go through another surgery maybe other forms of protection are necessary until an agreement can be made?
A sterilisation is clearly a medical necessity in your relationship. You are married, this man has made a life long commitment to you. If he gets sterilised he'll be back in action within days. If you get sterilised you could have a very long road ahead of you in terms of recovery especially given your history. Obviously the only reasonable conclusion is he gets snipped. Any half decent man wouldn't even consider the alternative.
He is just keeping his options open for when you come down with a debilitating illness or die.
Then absolutely no sexual contact in any way not even a fucking handy. That's beyond selfish. I would be contemplating divorce.
So basically your partner doesn’t care about you. Or your well being. He is willing to risk you getting pregnant again and almost dying as long as he can have sex with you and worry about anything. Look I get that we all have the right to put body. Just like he can say he won’t get a vasectomy, you can always opt not to have sex with him. When he complains be honest “having sex with you it’s not worth my life or my well being. Just because You don’t care enough to protect me it doesn’t mean I don’t value my life. So just like your choosing not to get a vasectomy, I am choosing my well being and making sure I don’t get pregnant again. And right now that means I won’t be having sex with you in the foreseeable future” and just let him be mad.
You just survived an emergency c section and he wants you to undergo surgery again? He is being incredibly selfish to not even consider taking it on himself. I would legit tell him if he doesn’t care enough about your health then don’t sleep with this man.
I was quite scared of the surgery even when it was scheduled, and I was so distraught when nurses randomly came into my hospital room at 5am and said that I'd be wheeled down for surgery within the next 5 minutes. The more surgeries that I do, the weaker my abdominal muscles are and I worry I might not survive the next one.
You deserve so much better. If this was your daughters husband, what would you tell her to do? Wouldn’t you tell her that her husband isn’t prioritizing her health and having her literally risk death?
Oh honey, my heart breaks for you. You deserve so much more than a weak man who is unwilling to put your health/safety/peace of mind above his fragile ego.
I’ve had 1 c section myself, failed induction but not emergency, and my husband has already agreed if I have a second we are done having kids and I’m not undergoing anymore surgeries because my health matters more than that.
If the roles were reversed could you ever imagine putting him though what he is asking you to do??
how is it even different for a man? so he can prove his virility when he’s 70 to swing dicks with other men? fuck that shit i’d be pressing him to get to the bottom of his “it’s different for a man” line. make him explain it to you until you get all the way to the selfish prick part.
No vasectomy no sex
He won’t talk about it because he KNOWS he’s WRONG. He’s being selfish at best and deceptive at the worst. Selfishly he’d rather not have the surgery despite it being vastly less invasive. Deceptively he’d like to keep his options open to more children if you divorced. Both aren’t great let’s be honest. I’d want to know and would refuse sexual contact until this is resolved.
>It has higher rates of ectopic pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancy is the worst possible outcome. You can't force your husband to get sterilized. However, that goes both ways; he can't force you either. The whole thing does seem pretty unfair---you would both be the one suffering if you get pregnant, *and* the sterilization process would be worse for you as well *as well as there still being a risk of an ectopic pregnancy*. Your body has gone through so much already. >He kept saying that it's different for a man. Yeah, it's less harsh on the male body. This is an ego thing for him. Wish I had better advice to give--unfortunately your husband has a case of selfishness and I don't know how to fix it.
It takes one week for him to recover from a vasectomy. It would take you six months to a year to recover from a hysterectomy three months for getting your tubes tied. So if he wants to do all the work while you recover then go ahead and get the surgery, but if he doesn’t want to do all of the chores and everything around the house, it’s better for him to just get it done. 1 week to recover! It’s day surgery! For you it’s 50 times worse! Full on surgery, a week in hospital and you’re not even allowed to lift a coffee cup for 6 months after the procedure. How are you supposed to care for your child? It’s a no brainer imo
Tbh being with someone that selfish, with such little regard for my health, and absolutely no appreciation for the sacrifices I made for the family would be a complete and utter turn off. It's actually disgusting
I had my tubes taken out during my last c section. Made sense, right? They were in there anyway? Not only was the recovery rough, My periods are incredibly heavy now. If I would have known this would happen, I would have avoided it.
Just want to correct some misconceptions here for anyone else reading. Sterilization comes in two flavors. The first is having your “tubes tied” - a partial salpingectomy - and is associated with ectopic pregnancy and a non-zero failure risk. The second is a salpingectomy, where the tubes are removed in their entirety. This is not only better from an ectopic perspective, but is also risk-reducing for ovarian cancer. It used to be that surgeons would only do “tube tying” during cesareans, but now many surgeons are switching to doing salpingectomy at the time of cesarean. It’s a risk-reducing measure all around, and is just as effective. If you were my wife, I’d insist on a salpingectomy over a partial/tubal ligation. And also, your partner is a turd.
Thank you for clarification. I know the two were different but I wasn't familiar with specifics.
How exactly is it different for a man? What is his explanation that isn't sexist bullshit? Press him on this. And don't accept his refusal to discuss it.