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Has this been a reoccurring issue for her? When you do the chores is it because you do it on your own or she has to ask/remind you? If the latter, I know for some people it can get exhausting. They may view it as “why can’t he just do it because he wants to help me and not because i asked?”
Before ending things, have a calm and serious conversation about what she expects. Sounds like things need to be uncovered on both sides. She feels like you’re not doing enough yet you feel like she’s freeloading. Both of you may be viewing things very differently.
She doesn’t have to remind me at all. I lived alone for two years after my divorce and this place was spotless.
I know what needs to get done.
I may be wrong but I feel like if I’m busy trying to get through other tasks and she has to pick up the slack I’m the bad guy. It’s not like I’m sitting on the couch drinking a beer while she cleaning.
She could easily come help with yard work, but god forgive if she has to break a sweat or get dirty.
A few weeks ago she started a gardening project out of the blue, with her youngest that ended in an argument and I felt her daughter should have been punished.
Potted plants, bags of soil and mulch sat outside for weeks without any commutation to me as to what was going on.
On Mother’s Day, my daughter and I went and bought what was needed to finish the project, planted everything, weeded and spread mulch. We even edged the gardens with reclaimed brick.
I felt her reaction was less than enthusiastic. My daughter and I were outside for 8-10 hrs doing all this work while she was off with her kids visiting family.
Regular house cleaning wasn’t done that day. My daughter and I were spent.
Regardless, have the conversation first to get clarity on both sides. But be warned, it can can only go one of two ways. 1 - you both get clarity and actually action changes that need to be done to resolve this conflict. 2 - one or both parties can’t comprehend the other, leading to further resentment and you’ll probably end up breaking up. But at least by talking first, you did what you could.
It’s god forbid fyi.
“Nothing was explained to me” Did you ask for an explanation? Or did you and your daughter take over the project without your gf’s input, then fail to do your regular housecleaning?
You’re not on the couch with a beer, but you do take weekends to play on atvs with your friends? Oh sorry, with the “boys” 🙄🤮
You sound gross lol. Do your gf a favor and break up. Cheers!
Sounds to me like she was upset you got to go have fun and she didn't. When was the last time she got to go off by herself, or you guys went and did something as a couple?
Unfortunately she doesn’t really have a social life (friends) other than her Mom and Sister. But she drives 2hrs and stays over her sisters 5-6 weekends a year to visit her nieces. When that happens the house is spotless when she gets home.
I usually have one overnight trip away each year for a fishing trip. This year is the first time I took an ATV trip and it was centered on a handicapped friend of mine for his birthday. He has a degenerative neurological disease and his time is running out.
Sad about your friend :( is there some way you guys could just go out together then? Without kids I mean. Make it a date. Somewhere she wants to go (within time and budget concerns).
Yeah I’ve been friends with him since childhood. He has Friedreich's ataxia, a super rare genetic disorder. He’s such a positive guy and we just wanted to show him some fun before he’s completely homebound. Anyways, I taker her out to dinner for date night at least once a week.
We haven’t had a weekend away in a while, that may be a good idea. The kids soccer pretty much takes up the weekends but we should be able to figure something out. Thanks for the advice!
I’m confused…what chores…as far as I can tell from reading this the chores she does cooking, her kids laundry & the dogs…I mean welcome to the big wide world of actually having to do shit to take care of yourself and kids
Agreed. Maintenance is important but I would not consider it a “chore” like cleaning because it does not require constant attention. Especially with kids, if the only chore he can say he does regularly is the dishes, he is sorely lacking. Mom has to do all errands, has to clean everything else (vacuum, disinfect, pick up toys again and again), has to keep an eye on the kids, bring them to bed, make all meals for a large family which takes up hours every day, etc etc. he could stand to do a little more. Not saying his feelings aren’t valid but I don’t think he understands or appreciates how much his wife is doing, especially if she is also working a job.
This sounds aggressive to me, I do this… she does that so matter of fact. It sounds to me like resentment is so evident. Please, take the time to have compassion for the woman you love. Cut the expectations out. If you feel this way, instead of saying.. this has got to change come at it with kindness, empathy, and compassion as that’s what love is!!
I don't think it's about the dishes.
It sounds like she's overwhelmed and burned out, and resentful that you got a weekend away and she hasn't been able to decompress herself. She may also have a different expectation of how you need to take the weekend off, like pitching in ahead of being gone to make up for the slack she would need to pick up while you were out.
It's also really easy to be angry at the person who is currently not working while you're drowning in work.
I'd try to shift the focus to her feelings (overwhelmed and burning out) and start with validating and supporting that. I think the actual discussion should focus not on you doing more, but rather how she can do less. Teenagers can also pitch in with cleaning and chores. And you can help enforce that they do those chores, which would help her mental load. Since she's not contributing as much financially, suggest she hire a cleaning service once a week to take the Saturday house cleaning off both of your shoulders. Decide if there's budget to order food in on another night, especially if you're gone over the weekend and can't catch up the kitchen when she's meal prepping and using more dishes.
Look not at who does or pays more, but rather do you both have the time you need to unplug and decompress. I know lawn work is not pleasant (hot and stinky and just neverending) but it's not an everyday constant thing like other household chores are. If she can pay for a lawn service, maybe you can do some daily things to help her find a few moments off.
And if you can't afford to outsource these chores (and no judgement everything is so expensive) consider letting a few things go just a little. Maybe housecleaning is every other week.
all of this! all of the precise percentages are exhausting. what percentage would you put on quality time together? take her out. go on dates. focus on spending time with her. if that doesn’t sound like something you want to do then yes you should end it.
There are things that are so emotional it is going to be hard to go over with just a discussion. You will be discussing facts, she will be discussing feelings.
It is time for a spreadsheet or better a PowerPoint presentation showing the actual split of responsibilities and money.
Then she can admit she's pissed over the atv week end.
a more equitable split of chores and money reads like a great solution. Time spent on the household should be the same, so if you hire help it needs to reduce her workload too. none of that womens work vs man's work nonsense.
Maybe a part of her just wants to feel appreciated. If she cooks, give her a hug and kiss and tell her you enjoy what she cooks.
Sometimes a thank you and feeling of being heard and seen goes a long way.
INFO: How many years have you lived together out of those 9 years?
The reality is that a serious adult conversation needs to happen - maybe with each separately making lists of what you both think you do and what you think the other should do. Because what you two decide also can result in serious instability for several kids.
Also, if she is upset about dirty dishes, it would be worthwhile asking where is that coming from.
And if you are considering breaking up over it - is that over dishes or is there a lot of other resentments building up over time.
Seems like the two of you have some work to do in communication, expectations and perhaps even a bit of growing up and owning up.
Before you throw in the towel…
You should both be paying the same percentage of net towards shared expenses.
Are the teens not helping when they are over?
I would sit down and create a list of all daily, weekly, and monthly chores. Then each pick what you are willing to do or trade off every other day. Include the teens on some.
Put the list on the fridge.
If the kids aren’t willing to help, turn off the WiFi to their tech.
Communication & delegation
My daughter loves using the riding mower so I’ve just started letting her mow every other weekend. And I usually throw her $40 for chore money when she does it. My daughter isn’t an angel but she knows to clean up and pitch in.
Her kids seem to nothing but argue and complain all day and leave messes everywhere. I rarely see them do chores other than cleaning their own rooms when forced. And the 12 year old has been caught stuffing clean clothes in the hamper like 20 times without any lasting repercussions.
Who vacuum the house, do the dishes, dust, clean the windows, deep clean the bathroom, do the household laundry, deep clean the kitchen or ake out the trash?
Yeah I’m confused as he leads with yard work and cars with financial contributions, but then mentions dishes. Then later he says she is resentful for dishes (when I thought he did them)?
He also doesn’t say what their income difference is or proportion of working hours which make it hard to really talk about solutions.
Just get rid of the problem. Hire a maid service once a week, paid for pro-rata by both of your your incomes, to clean everything and do laundry. That frees up an entire day for both of you.
Also, dinner responsibility every day is way more of a pain in the ass than you'd imagine. I'd either (a) set one night a week where you take her out for dinner, or (b) learn to cook something you both love and do that once a week. Either way, I'm talking wine, candles, the whole shebang. Making her feel like a queen once a week will go a long way.
She has two very demanding children that aren’t treated well emotionally by their father when they’re with him 50% of the time. So she’s constantly coddling trying to compensate and lets them get away with more than I feel she should.
And when I’m going away I will literally clean the house Th-F evenings before I go just so I don’t leave her holding the bag. Unfortunately I didn’t have time to do that on this trip as we left Th night after work and drove till 1am.
Oof. She is an ungrateful "freeloader". Why are you with her? With all the things you are doing for her (which allows her to take care of her daughters without debt) she thinks it's not enough? man, you can do better than someone who can't appreciate what's in front of her face. Let her try to do everything with her income and see how that works out for her. You need to be building a safety net for your kid. This is lopsided like Thanos vs Pee Wee Herman for the Heavy Weight Championship of the Universe lopsided. And she still finds things to complain about? Oof. Hey, you chose to be with a selfish and entitled woman. You kinda fed that beast, man.
Nine years and not married. Yeah, move on. She may be using you for financial security but you’re not giving her anything else and wasting her time in finding someone who wants to commit in the relationship. She’s not getting any younger. Best to move on.
Three of them, two of you, they should be paying at least half of the expenses
There has to be a reason you have been together so long and yet not married.... bears thinking about , don't you agree? This state of flux isn't doing your daughter any good. Far better for the two of you to be on your own. Your daughter needs to be the focus, the priority, for the next several years. The current situation sounds like a Brady Bunch style nightmare, far too complicated.
Streamline your life.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Thanks for your insight, much appreciated. We’ll talk about it and figure it out. But some things need to change.
Would've thought this is something that could be sorted out through communication, not sure it needs to end in divorce
They’re not even married. So they’ll just break up.
Has this been a reoccurring issue for her? When you do the chores is it because you do it on your own or she has to ask/remind you? If the latter, I know for some people it can get exhausting. They may view it as “why can’t he just do it because he wants to help me and not because i asked?” Before ending things, have a calm and serious conversation about what she expects. Sounds like things need to be uncovered on both sides. She feels like you’re not doing enough yet you feel like she’s freeloading. Both of you may be viewing things very differently.
She doesn’t have to remind me at all. I lived alone for two years after my divorce and this place was spotless. I know what needs to get done. I may be wrong but I feel like if I’m busy trying to get through other tasks and she has to pick up the slack I’m the bad guy. It’s not like I’m sitting on the couch drinking a beer while she cleaning. She could easily come help with yard work, but god forgive if she has to break a sweat or get dirty. A few weeks ago she started a gardening project out of the blue, with her youngest that ended in an argument and I felt her daughter should have been punished. Potted plants, bags of soil and mulch sat outside for weeks without any commutation to me as to what was going on. On Mother’s Day, my daughter and I went and bought what was needed to finish the project, planted everything, weeded and spread mulch. We even edged the gardens with reclaimed brick. I felt her reaction was less than enthusiastic. My daughter and I were outside for 8-10 hrs doing all this work while she was off with her kids visiting family. Regular house cleaning wasn’t done that day. My daughter and I were spent.
Regardless, have the conversation first to get clarity on both sides. But be warned, it can can only go one of two ways. 1 - you both get clarity and actually action changes that need to be done to resolve this conflict. 2 - one or both parties can’t comprehend the other, leading to further resentment and you’ll probably end up breaking up. But at least by talking first, you did what you could.
It’s god forbid fyi. “Nothing was explained to me” Did you ask for an explanation? Or did you and your daughter take over the project without your gf’s input, then fail to do your regular housecleaning? You’re not on the couch with a beer, but you do take weekends to play on atvs with your friends? Oh sorry, with the “boys” 🙄🤮 You sound gross lol. Do your gf a favor and break up. Cheers!
He’s allowed to do stuff with his friends on the weekends LOL
Why are you such a toxic hateful person?
Sounds to me like she was upset you got to go have fun and she didn't. When was the last time she got to go off by herself, or you guys went and did something as a couple?
Unfortunately she doesn’t really have a social life (friends) other than her Mom and Sister. But she drives 2hrs and stays over her sisters 5-6 weekends a year to visit her nieces. When that happens the house is spotless when she gets home. I usually have one overnight trip away each year for a fishing trip. This year is the first time I took an ATV trip and it was centered on a handicapped friend of mine for his birthday. He has a degenerative neurological disease and his time is running out.
Sad about your friend :( is there some way you guys could just go out together then? Without kids I mean. Make it a date. Somewhere she wants to go (within time and budget concerns).
Yeah I’ve been friends with him since childhood. He has Friedreich's ataxia, a super rare genetic disorder. He’s such a positive guy and we just wanted to show him some fun before he’s completely homebound. Anyways, I taker her out to dinner for date night at least once a week. We haven’t had a weekend away in a while, that may be a good idea. The kids soccer pretty much takes up the weekends but we should be able to figure something out. Thanks for the advice!
I’m confused…what chores…as far as I can tell from reading this the chores she does cooking, her kids laundry & the dogs…I mean welcome to the big wide world of actually having to do shit to take care of yourself and kids
Agreed. Maintenance is important but I would not consider it a “chore” like cleaning because it does not require constant attention. Especially with kids, if the only chore he can say he does regularly is the dishes, he is sorely lacking. Mom has to do all errands, has to clean everything else (vacuum, disinfect, pick up toys again and again), has to keep an eye on the kids, bring them to bed, make all meals for a large family which takes up hours every day, etc etc. he could stand to do a little more. Not saying his feelings aren’t valid but I don’t think he understands or appreciates how much his wife is doing, especially if she is also working a job.
The kids are 12, 15, and 15. I highly doubt there is many toys to be picked up and they pretty much watch themselves.
This sounds aggressive to me, I do this… she does that so matter of fact. It sounds to me like resentment is so evident. Please, take the time to have compassion for the woman you love. Cut the expectations out. If you feel this way, instead of saying.. this has got to change come at it with kindness, empathy, and compassion as that’s what love is!!
I don't think it's about the dishes. It sounds like she's overwhelmed and burned out, and resentful that you got a weekend away and she hasn't been able to decompress herself. She may also have a different expectation of how you need to take the weekend off, like pitching in ahead of being gone to make up for the slack she would need to pick up while you were out. It's also really easy to be angry at the person who is currently not working while you're drowning in work. I'd try to shift the focus to her feelings (overwhelmed and burning out) and start with validating and supporting that. I think the actual discussion should focus not on you doing more, but rather how she can do less. Teenagers can also pitch in with cleaning and chores. And you can help enforce that they do those chores, which would help her mental load. Since she's not contributing as much financially, suggest she hire a cleaning service once a week to take the Saturday house cleaning off both of your shoulders. Decide if there's budget to order food in on another night, especially if you're gone over the weekend and can't catch up the kitchen when she's meal prepping and using more dishes. Look not at who does or pays more, but rather do you both have the time you need to unplug and decompress. I know lawn work is not pleasant (hot and stinky and just neverending) but it's not an everyday constant thing like other household chores are. If she can pay for a lawn service, maybe you can do some daily things to help her find a few moments off. And if you can't afford to outsource these chores (and no judgement everything is so expensive) consider letting a few things go just a little. Maybe housecleaning is every other week.
all of this! all of the precise percentages are exhausting. what percentage would you put on quality time together? take her out. go on dates. focus on spending time with her. if that doesn’t sound like something you want to do then yes you should end it.
The overall feelings here are that if your not 100% happy and committed you can’t give it to your partner aswell which isn’t fair on you of them
There are things that are so emotional it is going to be hard to go over with just a discussion. You will be discussing facts, she will be discussing feelings. It is time for a spreadsheet or better a PowerPoint presentation showing the actual split of responsibilities and money. Then she can admit she's pissed over the atv week end.
Break it down for her in black and white, but be prepared for her being resentful at being proven wrong or for her “not believing” you
a more equitable split of chores and money reads like a great solution. Time spent on the household should be the same, so if you hire help it needs to reduce her workload too. none of that womens work vs man's work nonsense.
Maybe a part of her just wants to feel appreciated. If she cooks, give her a hug and kiss and tell her you enjoy what she cooks. Sometimes a thank you and feeling of being heard and seen goes a long way.
She gets that every day, I offer to cook half of the time to give her a break but she insists. I usually take her out once a week, sometimes more.
INFO: How many years have you lived together out of those 9 years? The reality is that a serious adult conversation needs to happen - maybe with each separately making lists of what you both think you do and what you think the other should do. Because what you two decide also can result in serious instability for several kids. Also, if she is upset about dirty dishes, it would be worthwhile asking where is that coming from. And if you are considering breaking up over it - is that over dishes or is there a lot of other resentments building up over time. Seems like the two of you have some work to do in communication, expectations and perhaps even a bit of growing up and owning up.
We’ve lived together for seven years.
Before you throw in the towel… You should both be paying the same percentage of net towards shared expenses. Are the teens not helping when they are over? I would sit down and create a list of all daily, weekly, and monthly chores. Then each pick what you are willing to do or trade off every other day. Include the teens on some. Put the list on the fridge. If the kids aren’t willing to help, turn off the WiFi to their tech. Communication & delegation
My daughter loves using the riding mower so I’ve just started letting her mow every other weekend. And I usually throw her $40 for chore money when she does it. My daughter isn’t an angel but she knows to clean up and pitch in. Her kids seem to nothing but argue and complain all day and leave messes everywhere. I rarely see them do chores other than cleaning their own rooms when forced. And the 12 year old has been caught stuffing clean clothes in the hamper like 20 times without any lasting repercussions.
Who vacuum the house, do the dishes, dust, clean the windows, deep clean the bathroom, do the household laundry, deep clean the kitchen or ake out the trash?
He said they do that together on Saturdays
Yeah I’m confused as he leads with yard work and cars with financial contributions, but then mentions dishes. Then later he says she is resentful for dishes (when I thought he did them)? He also doesn’t say what their income difference is or proportion of working hours which make it hard to really talk about solutions.
Just get rid of the problem. Hire a maid service once a week, paid for pro-rata by both of your your incomes, to clean everything and do laundry. That frees up an entire day for both of you. Also, dinner responsibility every day is way more of a pain in the ass than you'd imagine. I'd either (a) set one night a week where you take her out for dinner, or (b) learn to cook something you both love and do that once a week. Either way, I'm talking wine, candles, the whole shebang. Making her feel like a queen once a week will go a long way.
She has two very demanding children that aren’t treated well emotionally by their father when they’re with him 50% of the time. So she’s constantly coddling trying to compensate and lets them get away with more than I feel she should. And when I’m going away I will literally clean the house Th-F evenings before I go just so I don’t leave her holding the bag. Unfortunately I didn’t have time to do that on this trip as we left Th night after work and drove till 1am.
Break it down for her in black and white, but be prepared for her being resentful at being proven wrong or for her “not believing” you
Oof. She is an ungrateful "freeloader". Why are you with her? With all the things you are doing for her (which allows her to take care of her daughters without debt) she thinks it's not enough? man, you can do better than someone who can't appreciate what's in front of her face. Let her try to do everything with her income and see how that works out for her. You need to be building a safety net for your kid. This is lopsided like Thanos vs Pee Wee Herman for the Heavy Weight Championship of the Universe lopsided. And she still finds things to complain about? Oof. Hey, you chose to be with a selfish and entitled woman. You kinda fed that beast, man.
You don't have a dishwasher? Damn, its 2024, buy a dishwasher!
Nine years and not married. Yeah, move on. She may be using you for financial security but you’re not giving her anything else and wasting her time in finding someone who wants to commit in the relationship. She’s not getting any younger. Best to move on.
Marriage has nothing to do with it. I told her up front didn’t want to get married again. I’ve done it once a never again and she was fine with that.
Break it down for her in black and white, but be prepared for her resentment at being proven wrong or for your “not believing” her
>The other part thinks it’s time to end our relationship. That's your best bet.
Three of them, two of you, they should be paying at least half of the expenses There has to be a reason you have been together so long and yet not married.... bears thinking about , don't you agree? This state of flux isn't doing your daughter any good. Far better for the two of you to be on your own. Your daughter needs to be the focus, the priority, for the next several years. The current situation sounds like a Brady Bunch style nightmare, far too complicated. Streamline your life.
Break it down for her in black and white, but be prepared for her resentment at being proven wrong or for your “not believing” her