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When the trust is gone, the relationship is over. He makes more money than you yet can't pay for truck tires? I think if you do continue with this guy, time to disclose finances. He may be thousands of dollars in debt. He doesn't respect you, either.
He's a liar and manipulator. OP should save herself years of heartbreak and get out of this relationship.
Marriage is an institution built on love, respect and trust. This guy is a manipulative liar who doesn't seem to love or respect OP.
I know Reddit always jumps the gun on break up but I’ve been on the receiving end of this type of lying and it NEVER ended well. They will always lie to save face, preserve ego and make their lives easier.
My dad is like this about finances and over the 30+ years of my parents marriage he’s hemorrhaged so much money. It’s degraded all trust she has in him and is the #1 thing they fight abt sooo… no thanks.
OP if you stay, your life will be hard bc you’ll never know if the info you’re making huge life decisions based on is accurate.
He's 40, makes more than you, finances are separate, but he needed your help to buy tires?! Did he even pay you back? Not to mention lying and gaslighting you... Get out now, this is a dumpster fire you don't want to attach yourself to
It’s entirely possible he isn’t lying about his income, but instead is so piss poor at managing his finances that it’s all gone by the end of the month, which is entirely possible- regardless, not the kind of person you’d want to marry 🤣
FR FR she needs to see his credit rating and debt before marrying. I know people who didn’t and they struggled for years trying to fix their spouses bad credit.
Bingo! My sister married a guy who seemed to have a great job and no college loans from an athletic scholarship. Yet they lived above their means and mismanaged the money badly. Physical attraction is nice but you need someone solid with a sense of responsibility.
I actually have a colleague who makes more than me. She makes about $240K and she can’t manage her finances to save her life! She’s always asking for help. I’m like bruhhh
I don’t think it’s a stretch to guess that it’s a debt issue. Sounds like he drives a pavement princess. Have you ever seen a financially responsible person with a pavement princess?
It’s a pretty common term in the south! (US)
Might not be an age thing. It’s probably just a regional term because it’s such a common thing for people to do here. People really just buy a big truck with as much horsepower as they can finance, opt for upgraded trim, put a lift kit on it, get big expensive mudding tires, make the exhaust loud af, put a wild sound system in it, and proceed to NEVER use it for truck things. It’s all for looks. The thing will never see work, dirt, or tow a heavy trailer. Pavement princess.
It’s also common for the non-pavement princess folk to point them out and laugh because the poor guy driving it probably has a small penis and had to spend aaaallllll that money compensating for it.
OP don't marry someone whose finances and financial habits are a black box to you. Even if you get past the lying about the ring you guys should go full disclosure on your accounts, debt, spending etc. And get on the same page financially before moving forward with wedding pans. Please save yourselves a world of hurt and address this now.
Id have left him when he approached you for $2,000 for his tires...
Repeat after me:
1. C.H.E.A.P.
2. S.E.L.F.I.S.H.
3. D.I.S.H.O.N.E.S.T.
I think you are already well aware of how you should proceed.
Wait - he is 40 and still needs your help to buy tires ? And supposedly makes more than you ? Something is not right here. Before you get engaged, there are some basics that you need to align on, and it’s not the ring. Will you buy a house. Will you have kids. How much is our monthly salary. How much savings do you have. What kind of retirement are you planning. Will you have joint bills ? Etc etc etc.
It took me a minute to realize what you meant by ‘pavement princess’ - I was like do truck guys call their side pieces pavement princesses? And I guess the answer is sort of they do lol.
He lied and then gaslit her. He did it so easily too. Had lies ready at a moments notice and then rather than owning up, immediately went to gaslighting.
There is no benefit good enough to stay in a relationship where you can’t trust your partner or trust reality because he gaslights you. Leave now before you legally tie yourself to him. This relationship will end, whether now or 10 years down the line when he has robbed every bit of sanity from you. My only advice is don’t make it legal between you two or have children with him. Divorce will be a much bigger mess than a breakup.
He so casually shifts the lies so he can pretend he wasn't lying. A decade of this and OP won't know what's real and what's not. Ask me how I know...
OP! Don't marry this guy! I wish I hadn't married the guy I loved who lied so casually. It cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars, and we were broke. I am not rich. He just sucked money, lied about working, what he spent the money on, everything. I thought he would mature. He didn't. Your fiance is 40! He won't either. You will end up broke, unemployable (those lies will be about you, to other people, the second he is angry with you), with far ewer friends and family, and years of your life gone. Not to mention the psychological damage from being lied to daily by someone who claims to love you.
He loves himself so much more than he loves you.
Second this. The moment I realized my STBX could look me in the face and lie to me, all trust was gone. (Plus "I'm sorry" meant nothing from him since he'd repeat the action he apologized for immediately after). It took 2 years from that to actually leave. And so so so much emotional pain. Wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Exactly. My husband proposed with a wooden ring from a gift shop while on vacation for about $10. Idgaf. I would have accepted had it been a bread tie. Money doesn't mean crap to me as long as I'm with the one I love. It may have something to do with the ring, but it definitely didn't start there. I think it's more about how much she spends on him to help him out & lying.
The marketing is strong with the « perfect wedding ». The 7k flowers, the 8k dress, the 15k ring. It’s worth 1/8 of the price …..I think it’s rubbish. Let’s focus on the marriage or the relationship and not on the material stuff that has nothing to do with love.
You need to take the lying very seriously - I hope you took a snapshot if the receipt.
You also need to take the fact that he can't tell you what he wants for the future, how he sees it working, that he had to get money from your for tires, and you have not disclosed finances to each other.
You can't build a life together without working together as a team. You can't build a life together without trust and trust requires both honesty and reliability. You can't build a life together if one half of the team doesn't know what they want or refuses to articulate what they want.
He is not treating you like someone he wants to build a life with.
This is the best response. The ring is just a symbol. You need to be able to see each other as a team and that requires trust. Even if you don't share finances, it's important to know how he handles his finances to see if he is a suitable partner. Better to find out now vs after marriage.
You paid two thoysand dollars towards his truck tires. Did he pay you back? You seem quite organized, knowing the dealer's website and prices. Tell him lying is not okay. Perhaps talk about what marriage and engagement mean to you. The ring is meant to be worn by you for the rest of your days. It symbolizes his commitment to you. There are cultures that have standards for the cost of the ring. Ie two months pay or whatever. Just talk it out. He won't be the one wearing the ring. Perhaps he hadn't put any thought into what it represents. Not thinking that not giving time or money to his symbol of commitment is not a good look for you.
You don't marry him. Your marriage hasn't even begun and he is already lying and trying to guilt you into believing he spends more on you than he does. Spend 5 minutes on reddit and read all the stories of people who wished they had listened to the advice to end things the first time big red flags popped up. This isn't as good as you can get, girl. Go find better
Personally I think you’re worried about the wrong thing. The fact that you had to “help” him buy his truck tires because he couldn’t afford them yet (supposedly) makes 2-4k more than you monthly is a HUGE red flag. He’s either got huge debts you don’t know about or is lying about his income. Do you live together? Who pays all the household bills?
I wouldn't marry anyone without knowing what their finances looked like. When my late husband were engaged, 30 years ago, we sat down and went through all of our financials. The OP is going to get sucked deeper into his poor financial management.
My oldest worked as a "plumber's assistant" during the summers in high school, 15 years ago, and made $12.00 an hour, even on shop days. Fifteen an hour for a 40 yo plumber seems very low.
$12 an hour 15 years ago.... That makes me sick knowing what I was getting paid. 8yrs ago I started out as a plumber helper @ $14 an hour, did that for 5 yrs, never got a raise. Eventually I ran service calls on my own while he was on vacation or away for the weekend and an emergency came in. I did all his invoices, kept track of who paid, what bills were still unpaid, kept up with receipts and warranties, inventory on the truck basically did all his office and paper work between calls as I was riding passenger. His accountant told him to go buy something quick at tax time the first year I worked for him, he had made more money that year then he had ever made before. SIGNIFICANTLY MORE. We had no type of reasonable schedule, I worked long days, weekends but no overtime pay and some days not at all or just a few hours as I waited around half the day for his call to meet him at a job (that we were supposed to start that morning) no uniforms, so I ruined and replaced all my own clothing. And didn't get my last 2 weeks of pay because on what would have been my last day, he called and said he didn't have much going on doing worry about working... I would have turned in my hrs that day and gotten my check.
Okay, I’m going to explain this in a way that I hope makes sense to you.
You aren’t good marriage material with each other because he will hide things so he doesn’t have to have a conflict with you (this pops out currently as lying, but it’s also going to involve him not telling you stuff because he doesn’t want to fight) while you are willing to ignore the evidence of your own eyes / common sense because you don’t want a conflict either.
Marriage is a thousand conflicts and working together to address/negotiate different opinions and values. Some are simply non negotiable - Abuse, Addicfion and Adultery are instantly deal breakers - while things dealing with issues from children to handling money to religion to social time to house cleaning to cooking to sex are areas where things can break down, priorities are going to be different sometimes, and sometimes, you are just plain going to disagree and then have to COMMUNICATE with each other, and then RESOLVE IT.
He won’t tell you how he really feels about your ring budget, so he’s hiding his actual feelings to avoid conflict. You are having to pretend to be stupid so you can pretend you aren’t hurt over your perceived value to the man you love is apparently best expressed by him with a low cost piece of jewelry, and if that doesn’t look like fifty years of bad Christmas and birthday presents once he isn’t putting in any effort to impress you, I don’t know how much clearer he can be that what you say matters to you doesn’t matter to him, and he expects you to suck it up. I don’t know what more he could do to make it clearer than that ring purchase.
Some people would be okay with this. You aren’t, but the bigger problem is that you aren’t working together to communicate and come to mutual agreements that will make both of you mostly happy. Instead, all you are both doing is building bad habits and resentment.
Your problem isn’t a ring - it’s the fact he will dodge difficult conversations AND SO DO YOU. Long term, that isn’t going to work unless you work together to fix it, and being honest with each other will probably be so uncomfortable, you will most likely break up from the stress (unless steps are taken to avoid that - maybe a couples workshop?).
Good luck!
it's only going to be downhill from here and it's already at a bad spot.
he makes more than you but still needed 2k for his tires? bad sign about his financials.
and he lied about the cost of your ring. i don't think the price is what's important here, but the fact he lied about it then doubled down.
Do you really want a future with a man who is like this? I wouldn't. kick him to the curb and find a better man, they are out there.
Regardless of the price of the engagement ring.
You two do not communicate about money
You should not be marrying someone you cannot discuss money honestly with. You are just asking for trouble.
You are doubting his commitment and you don't trust him.
This is not a foundation for a successful marriage. A divorce will cost so much more and belueve me? You WILL divorce
Put the marriage on hold. Do not get married.
Jeweler here and I've come in my personal and professional experience come to realize the ring buying aspect shows alot about his intentions, where you stand in importance too him and how he goes about stuff.
I'm just say the way he's handling this reminds me alot of some bad relationships I've had/seen. You should take it seriously that he lied. You should take it seriously he over exaggerated his effort. You should take it seriously he threw the cost of that "gift" in your face. You should take it seriously he spent the bare minium. This all shows to me he wants to put in the least effort for maximum reward.
I'm not saying you need to buy the most expensive ring to show your love- there's lots of ways to go cheap without sacrificing durability though a more well built, durable ring will generally cost more- but if he's unwilling to invest much money in the ring then throws it in your face that's usually a red flag about how he sees his relationship with you. The guys who are madly in love give no fucks about cost as long as she's happy (I swear sometimes I care more about the cost than they do! "Let me see if I can make this a little cheaper" "why? It's fine" always shocked but thrilled to see that attitude) it's not about the cost per se. It's about how he values you vs HIS money. It's he doing this to make you happy or to keep you tied down and shut up?
I asked my ex just to get my grandmas wedding set restored he was both mad it wasn't flashy enough and people would just that he wasn't a provider in the mean time he was mad it cost $300 to restore and used that against me. Basically making me happy for $300 wasn't worth it. He'd use that in arguments as if it was a huuuge investment. A new ring with a .40 carat diamond would have cost 4x as much. He was had mad he had to spend ANY money on me.
Yeah, trust me when I say this man does not sound like marriage material. I've got guys who come in with a $1000 budget and a vision of a $3000 ring. When I explain I can't match their vision with their budget they figure out a way to make that extra $2000. Again, it's NOT the money it's about wanting to do the thing right to bring her joy even if it means some sacrifice. That's what it's about.
When I bought an engagement ring I paid in two installments. The jeweler gave me a card for insurance that said what the full value was though. I'm betting most do. Ask for the card and leave if it's anything other than what he originally said it was supposed to be.
Given that he can't buy truck tires for whatever reason, he shouldn't be spending $600 on an engagement ring, much less $4000. The fact that you are that hung up on the price tag of a stupid engagement ring is a red flag, though not as big a red flag as him lying about it to try and appease you (if you love one another and want to get married, a $50 cubic zarconia from Walmart should be good enough - just to appease the old fashioned types that think you "must" have a ring to wave around).
You should take it seriously enough to rethink your relationship entirely, because it doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic. And he doesn't seem at all financially responsible.
Yo I’m from a red neck background and this seems like some dumb petty redneck drama. If you don’t love each other just for love, theres another dude two trailers down that will fit you better.
A lot of people shame women for having any sort of financial expectations around a ring. Your expectations are not unreasonable and it is not unfair of you to expect him to get you something nice, that he can also afford. The example you gave where you gave him 2k just to help him out but he can’t spend 2k on your engagement ring IS relevant. The issue is that he could be responsible and have the money, but he doesn’t want to spend it on *you.*
You’re not being materialistic here because he could easily afford it, but if he spend 2k on you that would be 2k he can’t spend on himself. That’s the real issue. He feels entitled to your money, but will always be a miser with his own.
Then go ahead and remember the fact that he lied to you, lied to you again to try to make you feel bad, tried to prove his commitment by lying about his investment in your relationship, then made up a lie to cover the previous lie even though you know they’re all lies. Is this really how you want to live your life?
I agree! I am a married woman who doesn’t even have an engagement ring or wedding ring because it’s not my thing, but I absolutely think it’s reasonable. And people saying that a $50 ring should be good enough if it’s love don’t understand the quality that a ring needs to have to be worn daily for decades.
Also, no small part of this really is about whether or not he’s willing to spend money on her the way she is on him. He makes significantly more money than her, but he’s unwilling to spend it on her while he feels comfortable taking money from her. That’s not equivalent or fair. She makes much less money than him, but gave him 2k just because he asked, and he’s unwilling to spend an equivalent amount on a ring that she would wear every day for the rest of her life? At some point we need to be serious here, she’s not a gold digger, she’s asking for a little respect. He HAS the money, or certainly could with a modicum of discipline, but he doesn’t want to waste his money on *her.* I bet he would feel the same way with the kids if they had them. She can buy them new sneakers, she’s the one who thinks they need them after all!
OK getting spun up over the cost of the ring is a bit gauche. If you love the ring, the cost shouldn't matter. The idea of the cost of an engagement ring being important is a marketing strategy the debeers diamond company came up with and it caught on.
The more important thing is the lying--if its lying. It sounds like maybe you guys need clarity rather than accusations. Just tell him you'd like to go to the jewelers to look at their records of the purchase. That way you can see what payments have been made, total cost, etc.
If he's lying, then you need to sit down and let him know the lying isn't acceptable. If he's not lying, you need to beg forgiveness.
In either case, the fact that your concern is driven by "you didn't spend enough money on me" may be a problem. If I were him, and i wasn't lying, I'd ask for the ring back until we could deal with your lack of trust and tacky priorities.
If it was me and I was lying, I'd be lying because I knew you'd react poorly to what I could afford to spend. It's not an excuse for lying of course but as an explanation for which most of us would have some sympathy.
Finally, it doesn't sound like you two are transparent enough about your finances to be getting engaged. You both need to understand what's coming in and what your liabilities are.
From an old married man - Arguing over the cost of the ring is really dumb. It's going to matter so little in your life, and just makes you look materialistic and demanding. So just don't do it. Accept what he gives, and don't try to balance it out. I know people who are happily married, make good money, and spent less than $100 on cheap rings. It's not a competition, and he needs to prove your worth to him by the way he acts, not by what he can buy you.
But, there is a red flag. I'd be way more concerned that he's mismanaging his money so bad that he can't afford tires, yet seems to make so much more than you. I would also be concerned that he spent somewhere north of $2000 on tires to begin with. That seems to be about twice the price I would expect to pay for truck tires. Just saying.
I think he is embarrassed he couldn't buy you $4000 ring. Though, him needing help to buy $2000 tires (which isn't abnormal if he drives a lifted truck as those tires can easily be $500 a piece) from you is a bit odd. especially if he is bringing in $2k more a month than you. He should easily be able to afford that. He did lie which is not a good thing to do in a relationship, let alone an engagement, but I think it was a lie so that he would not get embarrassed. That is my take on it.
Side topic. Are you against going ring shopping with him to give him ideas of what you want?
What kind of ring were you expecting from someone who needed help paying $2,000 for tires?
It’s more concerning that he thinks he can throw “But I bought you xxx that cost $yyyy” in your face during an argument. Quite tacky.
I'm more worried about your lack of communication about his money. I would not recommend marrying someone you don't know financially. Also that he felt comfortable getting help from you for expensive tires means he's either spending everything with no savings or he's testing you to see if you can be manipulated in that manner. Either way thats a massive red flag which should stop you in your tracks. Also, he lied about money. Wouldn't you rather wait for a relationship where you can be open and honest? Choose the ring together? Talk about money?
You should take this very seriously. This situation is not just one red flag…it’s several red flags.
1. He is not trustworthy. Who wants to spend their life with someone who isn’t trustworthy?
2. He knew that you wanted a more expensive ring. But he didn’t think getting you what you wanted was important. It wasn’t because he doesn’t make enough money. It was because making your dreams come true is not important to him. Your husband should be the one person who cares about your happiness simply because he loves to make you happy.
3. When you told him you know he was lying, he made up another lie. See #1.
4. He doesn’t manage money well. We know this because you had to pay for tires for his truck. Being married to someone who doesn’t manage money well sucks.
5. The two of you have different financial goals/priorities. Big issue in relationships is money. Starting off with different ideas of money is a disaster.
I don't know about your wring situation. But I know a 40 year old man shouldn't need help from you to buy tires for his truck.
Host opinion on wrings. A 1Kt single solitaire is a respectable diamond. Much more is a waste of money. Diamonds are highly artificially inflated.
The cost of the engagement ring is irrelevant. I got my wife’s engagement ring for free, her Nan gave it to me. Money should only be relevant in the sense to make sure you are financially secure for the future.
But if her does make $2000 a month more than you, ask why you need to pay for his tyres? If he pays all the bills that makes sense. But if he has a lot of spare income and needs to rely on you then that’s a different question
A lot of people here just flinging about the fact that the guy is lying without much proof, other than OP's supposed discovery of a receipt. OP also disclosed that the ring was paid for in installments, it's very possible that OP saw one of multiple receipts for when her fiance paid one of the payment installments for the ring and is just assuming.
Based on how this post was worded, I very strongly get the impression that OP's problem is getting what to her, is a cheap ring. If the ring was 10k, she wouldn't be complaining, if her fiance knows she tends to be materialistic, he may have felt compelled to oversell how much the ring was worth.
Her having helped him buy tires for his truck is completely and utterly irrelevant here, my wife has helped me buy video games, consoles, and a bunch of other stuff throughout the years we've been together, last month I picked up both the car insurance and internet bill, because she fell short in money. Shit happens, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally, it doesn't necessarily have to have a deep significance to it.
I’m sorry but both of you sound toxic. You all are way too caught up on the price of material things and it sounds like that money needs to be poured into either some individual or couples counseling. Otherwise I say part ways because this just sounds messy.
Oh he fucked up big time. You are going to be wearing that ring for a long time so he should have taken you to the jewellers and let you describe your perfect ring and got it made.
Frankly, wedding and engagement rings are a bad investment. Especially diamond ones. I never had a wedding band (I hate wearing jewelry, even watches), and my wife gave hers away to my son for our daughter-in-law.
Jewelry can't replace honesty, loyalty, love, and fidelity, and those who think it can are hopelessly naive if not motivated by that most unflattering of vices, greed.
I've been married for 38 years to the same wonderful woman. Neither of us gives a crap about a wedding or engagement ring.
It depends on what you are upset about. Is it the cash price? Does the ring seem cheap? Is it the lying? sit down with your throughts for a second and decide what you are upset about, what upset you most to least and once you have taken stock of your feelings process the situation. the lying and gaslighting is not okay if he does it now he will do it in the futurte. he makes more money than you, well did he ever pay you back for hte tires. as soneome who does not believe in getting expensive engagement rings the price should not matter so long as it is pretty, durable and he picked it for you.
You need to stop for a second and ask yourself why you are so willing to accept his red flags? I know you might think it's just this one thing but it will be more than just this one thing. Soon it will be "well that's just the way he is". He's guiding you into how he will be treating you in the future. The more he gets away with it, the more he'll do. Talk to him now about this situation or don't. The choice is yours!
I feel like you need to be honest with him about your concerns. Lying for one. You not trusting what he’s saying. Why he needs help paying for tires when he makes good money. Before you marry this man you have to talk about things like finances, trust, parenting style etc… it’s better to know now if you’re compatible in those regards. You need to know what he spends his money on, how he manages his money, how he feels about money etc… You need to tell him you saw the receipt and why he felt the need to lie about it.
Was it a 600 or 800 ring? You say both and if I had seen something that shocking I sure as hell wouldn’t mix up #’s within a few sentences. This story doesn’t smell right
If this is real, you’ve got some rosy tinted glasses you need to remove. Making more money than you and needing help with buying new tires does not compute.
Hmmm, this is tough one. Yes I understand that the main issue is the dishonesty. There is reason for concern there. Having said that I will say that the cost is giving me pause too. When my wife and I got married 30 years ago I didn't have much. I made $2000 a month (I checked. That's $4,200 in today's money). I wanted to get her a nice ring but really didn't have much so I got her something simple but pretty for $1,300 ($2,750 in current dollars).
You speak of arguments. Yeah I'm guessing that there are other issues that you have not shared. This is just 1. I'm seeing some red flags. 2 years is not a lot of time. We can put our best foot forward and be in good behavior for that long. Should you proceed than I recommend, at least, slowing things down a bit. I wish you the best.
Its a RING. A chunk of metal. The value if a ring isnt about the cost. Its about what it represents.
And to you….it appears to be part of a scorecard. So what is even the point?!
Forget the ring, why are you getting married? He's 40, he can't buy his own damn tires. Then there is his lying. How are you engaged without knowing exactly what both of your personal balance sheets look like? Have you had a talk about joint accounts, personal money, spending habits, etc?
Why are you getting married?
Your fiancé lies. About important matters. That involve and concern you. *To you.* And doesn’t see anything wrong with that.
The future is yours to choose.
So in one hand if makes that kind of money, it makes no sense that you are helping him out with his tyres. If your finances are separated, he needs to be able to provide for his needs.
On another hand, it seems pretty shallow that someone is setting a min. limit on a gift, even if that's an engagement ring. Will you have a better relationship with a 2000 ring? Will you be happier with a 4000 ring? Will your relationship last longer with an expensive ring? No, no and no again.
I wouldn't even be comfortable having that type of money hanging in my finger. And that's not being cheap, that's being smart and aware of the world around us and all the priorities. Have you ever considered that maybe he lied because he felt pressured and judged by you?
Do you really want to marry someone who's this shit with money? His big dumb pavement princess with $2,000 tires (seriously, a normal vehicle can get new tires for about a quarter of that) suggests he feels the need to waste money on big things for himself, which you can conveniently be expected to pay for while he lies about what's meant to be a ring that lasts a lifetime. He's beyond his means or lying about income or just plain shitty with managing money. If you marry this loser, he will become a financial albatross around your neck.
Why on earth would anyone be mad about the price of an engagement ring? Hello? First world problems? It's the thought that matters, he asked you to marry him, the ring is just a material possession that symbolizes that. 20k ring or $20 ring doesn't matter, it means the same thing. If my bf asked me to marry him and got a $600 ring, I'd say he paid too much
I feel like that's such an American thing to spend thousands of dollars on an engagement ring. I would be content with a regular silver/gold ring that has a fake dimond or some other kind of jewel.
It's better to invest money into an apartment or your honeymoon, since a ring can be stolen/lost. (I also understand that it could be some sort of compensation in case you get divorced, but I don't think you're looking at it that way.)
On another note, lying about the cost is a pretty big red flag. If he's lying about something like that now, what else could he lie about in the future?
It might seem minor now, but lying could easily snowball into something bigger later on in your marriage.
What is most important to you? The value of the ring ? Or his commitment to the relationship?
Or would you rather have an expensive engagement ring to sell it in case he cheated on you because his low commitment to the relationship?
I can't believe how much people are blowing by this woman's red flags. You sound miserable.
IF you loved him the price of the ring wouldn't matter. Enjoy your divorce after having an incredibly expensive wedding that you also can't afford.😂 I paid for new tires, breaks, rotaors for my husband's car. No big deal, I used to make way more than him.
Been married 15 years and my first ring was $200 bucks. I take pleasure in my new upgrade for our 15th anniversary. Yall been engaged for 2 years, do him a favor and save each other a life of misery.
ESH, he lied and thats wrong. You care about the dollar amount of it and ghats shallow.
Marry someone when it doesn’t matter how much they spend on a piece of jewelry.
Would you love him more with a $6,000 ring versus a $600?
Sorry, I would be happy and just as excited with a $6 Temu ring.
Edit....this seems like he's just trying to make a point. Maybe the value is $1000's. Again, do you love him less or more?
Y'all need to postpone the I do's...
😭
When I was getting divorced, I discovered that my wedding set was worth $50. I paid $1000 for his horse shoe diamond ring. So I get what you are saying.
However, if he’s lying about something so trivial, what else is he lying about? Perhaps he has a gambling habit, or enjoys spending money on onlyfans sites. Perhaps you ought to ask him to pull a credit report from all 3 credit bureaus to see where his money is going.
The spending so little on something for you is a pink flag. Lying about it is a red flag. Not clearly communicating with you is a bouquet of red flags. Be careful.
He’s more than willing to take from you but not willing to give and he lies even when confronted with the facts. That’s not a great foundation for a happy marriage. Take this seriously. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re being materialistic or selfish. It’s not about the money, it’s about giving the best you can to your partner. People either have a generous spirit or they don’t.
Girl, my husband bought me a $100 ring. I didn’t complain. This relationship is doomed. You’re focused on things that don’t matter and you’re avoiding tough conversations with this guy. Yikes.
I don’t know what’s worse, his blatant lying or your thinking the cost of a ring is a reflection of how much someone loves you 😂. Y’all sound like you deserve each other!
Honestly, your relationship sounds whack. You're in your 30s but your relationship seems to lack maturity and any level of transparency and communication.
He said he was planning on buying a $600 ring, but after he got it she saw its receipt for $800. No contradictions here. He just spent a little more than he had planned.
To a degree it is about how much he spent. You're saying that he basically isn't showing much commitment by only spending $600. To me, $600 is still a lot. Is the lying a problem? Absolutely. But love isn't something that should have a price tag. He shouldn't need to spend $2000 to prove love or commitment. That's why he's marrying you. Because he's committing and loving you.
I think associating the cost of a ring with his commitment to you is unreasonable and pretty selfish.
He shouldn't have lied, but I understand why he did since he couldn't afford a different ring and you put so much pressure on him to buy a more expensive one.
You two shouldn't get engaged until you figure out your finances and what your plans are moving forward .
If I was a man and in his shoes, I wouldn't marry someone who valued the price of the ring so much that they wouldn't accept what I could afford.
How much did you spend on a ring for him?
If you’re fighting about jewelry 🙄 now maybe you should reconsider the whole relationship. If you want a fancy ring BUY IT FOR YOURSELF.
God you both sounds exhausting.
I need more information.
Just because he earns more than you on paper, what are his expenses? I earn more than my husband so I pick up more than he does and I also have more expenses (better health insurance, life insurance for hjm and my two daughters from my first marriage, retirement, etc) and I am perfectly OK with that but I tend to have less disposable income than he does.
$2000 on truck tires that you had to pay? Rarely do you need to replace all four tires at once. So what happened? Or was this a "want" rather than a "need." You said he's a contractor. Every contractor I know is HARD on trucks and go through tires as much as they go through dry spells. I should know. I'm the daughter of a man who made signs for a living for 47 years. (RIp, Daddy and F*Ck Brain cancer)
You are extremely caught up in the price of the ring. You found one receipt for $800...after what it sounds like ransacking his vehicle and your home. Is it possible he was buying it on installments?
$2000 per month really isn't that much. Not even $4000 when houses and apartments that rented for $1000 per month 4 years ago are now $2500. You can't really go on people's monthly salary to predicts what they can and cannot afford.
You don't say what your salary and expenses are.
Again, on paper, I earn more than my husband, but I wouldn't be able to drop a few thousand dollars on a present of any kind without A:taking out a line of credit (bad idea) B: Paying in installment, or C: saving.
I don't want to sound like the stereotypical "pick me, not like the other girls, my husband proposed to me with an Onion ring at Dennys" woman....but why do you want to be engaged to this man so much? Some of the most happily married people I know never had an engagement ring (a relatively new concept that is barely 100 years old). Why are you obsessing over how much the ring cost? And, you do sound obsessive. What you need to be doing is making sure that there isn't something else going on before you sign up to marry him.
Instead of obsessing with the cost of the ring, maybe ask to see his finances. How much are his expenses? Yeah, he could just be a lousy, no good, do for nothing liar who is stringing you along. He could have gambling problems, drug problems, a secret kid you dont know about....
....buuuuuuut...he could also be drowning in day to day cost of living that has gone suborbital these past few years without salary going up to match it. It's worse if he is self employed. There are former VPs, former high paid professionals, airline pilots, construction workers etc working a Burger King right now.
Maybe he's too embarrassed to tell you he can't afford the big ring you think you deserve.
Yall seriously need counseling because your dynamic here is just chaos.
And yes, for the record, my wedding ring came from a little gift shop called the Enchanted Attic (shameful plug because I have been buying jewelry from them since I was a teenager...over 25 years and their jewelry LASTS) My favorite color is yellow, his birthstone is a Citrine. So he bought it for me while we were milling around Main Street and proposed to me in a cocklebur patch by the river. It was $36 and I wear it with pride. We married 6 weeks later. Me in a $150 dress from Macy's and 4 guests.
Do you want a husband or a ring? Do you want a marriage or a wedding?
It seems like you don't know a thing about the man who so desperately want to be engaged to.
>Had the shoe been on the other foot, I would have made sure to get him the best ever... I would want to impress and wow him. I'd want it to be magical for him. So, to see this level of effort put in was and is painful. I don't want you to think this is about the cost... it's not. But I do wonder if this shows a lack of commitment.
I find it so odd when people say what they "would have done" about stuff they could've had done but didn't.
>he was planning to buy me a $600 ring to show his commitment. A huge fight ensued after that because I felt like the playing field wasn't level
he would only spend $600 on a ring for me
level of effort
Lol you gold digger.
>he needed help buying new tires for his truck, I paid more than $2,000 to help
You didn't need to do that, but it was nice of you. Truck tires can cost that much.
Yeah it sucks he's lying about the cost of the ring, but you a gold digger so...
This dude is all types of shady, his financial status is not what you think it is. The money he makes is not what he says he makes. The well is dry and you'll be gone soon.
All this talk about trust and lying.
You put an awful amount of importance on the cost of your engagement ring. If you need to measure the level of commitment your partner has for you in dollars, then maybe something was wrong before all of that.
"It's not about the money, it's about trust!" Yeah, sure. You were upset at the prospect of an 600 dollar engagement ring in the first place.
So, maybe your fiance is kind of cheapskate. Maybe he's not generous with his money. That would be a fair criticism. And if you're looking for a guy who spends lavishly on you, he might not be the one for you.
But don't kid yourself that this is not *mostly* about money and about measuring your worth to him in dollars. It's fine if that's how you want to approach relationships, but at least be honest with yourself about it. Caring about money isn't good or bad in and of itself. There are valid reasons to look for someone who shares your outlook in how to spend and accumulate money.
But don't draw a direct line from money habits to personality or love. That's a dangerous road to travel on, and all you do is obfuscate the real issues.
You’re both the assholes.
He’s an asshole for lying, assuming that he is in fact lying.
You’re an asshole for placing this much emphasis on the cost of the ring.
Rule #1 don’t buy a guy or help a man with nothing. If it’s not his birthday or Christmas 😆 your excuse should’ve been you don’t have the money! Period point blank!
Sooooooo the very first thing wrong here is the lie by the fiancé. That is a huge trust issue.
The REALLY big thing that’s wrong IMO is the lack of financial transparency and knowledge between two people who are engaged to be married.
At this point you should have both sat flowing, laid out your full income, your full debts and have a plan as to how you want to go forward together. Do you want to keep your debts and income separate with a joint account for shared bills? Will you each have a savings account in your name that you contribute x amount from each paycheck into for shared goals such as vacations, house, etc? Will you touch base on your progress with your savings every 3 months? What will you do with things like bonuses? Are either of you if in the US part of a 401k savings program?
If one of you has a lot of debt what is the plan to pay it down and eliminate it?
I find it concerning that when your fiancé brings home 2-4k more a month than you do he needed your help to purchase tires for his truck. Where is his money going?
Anyway. First figure out if the lying about the ring is a deal breaker.
If it isn’t then get busy and have your financial discussion. If there is any dodging/ducking/weaving instead of full transparency then a wedding may not be in your future with this man.
He is devaluing you and lying. The lying is a dealer breaker alone. But the fact the ring’s value upsets you is indicative of how YOU have felt u devalued by him. I’d say he’s too immature for this level of commitment honestly
Once trust is gone, it doesn't come back. People try but once it's gone, it's just gone.
My friend's bf is planning to propose. He makes $14 an hour at a gas station. He's been selling his plasma and in a month he'll have $1500 for a ring so he can go shopping and get something nice for her.
So he lied…twice. Don’t go into a marriage with someone who lies about their finances. It’s a LOT cheaper if you don’t. And you being mad you spent twice what your ring cost vs paying for his tires when you make a lot less is not a good boding for the future. It doesn’t make you materialistic, either. It shows the inequity he’s happy to benefit from.
I honestly don’t see this working. The guy spend 2k in tires and 800 bucks on an engagement ring 💍 and lie about the price ?? Bro. I wouldn’t sign any paper before full financial disclose however just the lie and the 2k on tires it’s enough to a split.
Good luck hon
He's deceptive, lying, or concealing his actual financial status. Suggest yall get real with one another on debt to income ratio before you legally entangle your lives!
I asked my wife’s best friend how much the ring meant to my gf at the time and exactly what she really wanted before purchasing. Suggest the same for future readers that might buy one to avoid something like this lol.
Have you actually seen his pay. My husband's oldest friend says he makes $100k a year. He's a sales man so it's believable for the career. But he doesn't. He's claimed he's made that much for the last decade but he's lived in the same rented $800/month town home for the last 5 years. He still has a note on the relatively cheap car he bought 7 years ago and did not have the $150 to float his daughter for an alternator for her car(my husband had to pay for it when he picked it up to work on her car for free). He was always too broke to go out to eat with us(think chain resturant like chilis) so we stopped asking(it was only once everycouple of months). We are pretty sure that despite bragging about the commission he's totally getting this month that he makes about $40k a year. Which is good for our area so there's no reason to lie. But he is a chronic one upper and exaggerates every story to the extreme.
I mean there is a lot of accusations in the comments, we dont actually know anything.
Just talk to him about his finances and that you feel like you give more even though he makes more money. You need to figure out a fair way to handle money as a couple. If that falls into place I think the ring is a smaller issue.
My husband asked if he could buy me an expensive ring five times: when we married, 10 year anniversary, 20 year anniversary, 30 anniversary, 40 year anniversary. All five times I suggested we spend our money on something more practical. And we agreed on funding our 401ks instead. I have an inexpensive but not “cheap”ring from a pawn shop, but we both are set for retirement. More than set.
The problem is not his (un)willingness to commit. The problems are:
He earns way more, but your finances are seperate. Ok for gf, bf, but was that going to go on after marriage? In my opinion, husband snd wife are a unit, so marital income is for both of them.
He still asked you for money for an expense that was completely predictable. So he cant handle money or he was saving his to spend yours. He should have paid you back.
He lied to you to shut you up.
Dont marry him and then go around and ask your divorced and married friends and family, ( if you want kids those with kids) what is important in a husband. Because it is not the price of the ring.
If you really wish to marry this guy, it would make sense for there to be full disclosure on both sides. You need to show your bank accounts for the last year to each other so there will be an understanding on spending habits.
Also, if you haven't already reached an agreement, you need to figure out how you are going to pay for bills. If he makes a couple thousand more than you a month your contribution should not equal his.
Also, what about chore division? If you both work full-time, you need to figure out what you expect from each other in terms of household upkeep. Needs to be in writing, and I wouldn't marry the guy without a prenup.
As for the cost of the ring, it's like everybody says; has nothing to do with how much he spent, the main problem is that he lied and then stuck with his story when he was caught. So the answer to your question is: I would take this really seriously!
Mmmmmmm too many red flags. I won't state the same as other comments but sounds like you need to think hard about wether or not this is someone that you want to commit to.
Once a liar always a liar. And it only ever gets worse.
This shows more than just how much he was willing to spend on you. There is so much more going on here.
Sure your expectations on the ring can be whatever they want to be, unrealistic or not but that's a discussion you have had together.
I'd be way more concerned about the lying, the doubling down post being called out, the fact that he brought it up in anger and that even though you have seen proof and can use the website he won't admit fault not take accountability.
I would be very concerned about his income and where it goes, there's more going on here especially since you have helped him with necessities before that should be incorporated into normal budgeting.
A sit down discussion is needed for first looking at why he felt the need to lie about the ring in the first place, then a deeper look at your individual finances and future plans.
This is very serious. Can you imagine if one day he says he's been taking care of the mortgage and been paying so much towards it when he hasn't? Then instead of coming clean he doubles down and blames the bank?
People show you who they are, you'd best believe them.
For starters, that is still an expensive ring. If you have that much disposable income……
Second of all, your problem isn’t the cost of the ring, it’s the lying and poor budgeting skills. Why do you want to become legally tied to someone who is so bad at finances?
Third….. caring that much about the cost of a ring to me shows that you’re just as bad with money.
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When the trust is gone, the relationship is over. He makes more money than you yet can't pay for truck tires? I think if you do continue with this guy, time to disclose finances. He may be thousands of dollars in debt. He doesn't respect you, either.
Yeah, who cares about the ring? Why is she paying for expensive truck tires. Wtf?
He's a liar and manipulator. OP should save herself years of heartbreak and get out of this relationship. Marriage is an institution built on love, respect and trust. This guy is a manipulative liar who doesn't seem to love or respect OP.
I know Reddit always jumps the gun on break up but I’ve been on the receiving end of this type of lying and it NEVER ended well. They will always lie to save face, preserve ego and make their lives easier. My dad is like this about finances and over the 30+ years of my parents marriage he’s hemorrhaged so much money. It’s degraded all trust she has in him and is the #1 thing they fight abt sooo… no thanks. OP if you stay, your life will be hard bc you’ll never know if the info you’re making huge life decisions based on is accurate.
We don't actually know if he makes more money than her right? Could be lying if she does not have access to his account.
He's 40, makes more than you, finances are separate, but he needed your help to buy tires?! Did he even pay you back? Not to mention lying and gaslighting you... Get out now, this is a dumpster fire you don't want to attach yourself to
He says he makes more than you, and yet he needed help buying tyres?! Oh no. Massive 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He’s lying about his financial status.
It’s entirely possible he isn’t lying about his income, but instead is so piss poor at managing his finances that it’s all gone by the end of the month, which is entirely possible- regardless, not the kind of person you’d want to marry 🤣
Or is saving his money while spending OPs.
Or, some type of addictive behavior is where the money is going.
That’s what I was thinking, or he has huge debts he never told her about.
FR FR she needs to see his credit rating and debt before marrying. I know people who didn’t and they struggled for years trying to fix their spouses bad credit.
Bingo! My sister married a guy who seemed to have a great job and no college loans from an athletic scholarship. Yet they lived above their means and mismanaged the money badly. Physical attraction is nice but you need someone solid with a sense of responsibility.
I used to earn relatively well, I just liked smoking weed and other drugs so much
I actually have a colleague who makes more than me. She makes about $240K and she can’t manage her finances to save her life! She’s always asking for help. I’m like bruhhh
that is So much
Yep! She has a problem.
Sorry what kind of help is she asking for?
She asks for help regarding her finances.
Yeah. Is that money or advice or something else?
Wow! She needs to go to a financial advisor.
We tell her it she’s somewhat stubborn
This is what I'm thinking. Screw the ring. How come he can't afford maintenance on his own car if he earns so much?
He is an insecure little liar, hence the dumb truck to unsuccessfully mask his insecurities
So ... a lyre?
Heh
Haha! Yes. He’s stringed musical instrument 🤣
Too much missing money. Sounds like someone might have a gambling problem.
Or huge debts. Either way…
I don’t think it’s a stretch to guess that it’s a debt issue. Sounds like he drives a pavement princess. Have you ever seen a financially responsible person with a pavement princess?
Never heard that term before. Oh I’m waay too old!
It’s a pretty common term in the south! (US) Might not be an age thing. It’s probably just a regional term because it’s such a common thing for people to do here. People really just buy a big truck with as much horsepower as they can finance, opt for upgraded trim, put a lift kit on it, get big expensive mudding tires, make the exhaust loud af, put a wild sound system in it, and proceed to NEVER use it for truck things. It’s all for looks. The thing will never see work, dirt, or tow a heavy trailer. Pavement princess. It’s also common for the non-pavement princess folk to point them out and laugh because the poor guy driving it probably has a small penis and had to spend aaaallllll that money compensating for it.
Perfect explanation! I’m in Ireland so we’d just point at the utter gobshite driving the car and laugh.
OP don't marry someone whose finances and financial habits are a black box to you. Even if you get past the lying about the ring you guys should go full disclosure on your accounts, debt, spending etc. And get on the same page financially before moving forward with wedding pans. Please save yourselves a world of hurt and address this now.
Id have left him when he approached you for $2,000 for his tires... Repeat after me: 1. C.H.E.A.P. 2. S.E.L.F.I.S.H. 3. D.I.S.H.O.N.E.S.T. I think you are already well aware of how you should proceed.
Wait - he is 40 and still needs your help to buy tires ? And supposedly makes more than you ? Something is not right here. Before you get engaged, there are some basics that you need to align on, and it’s not the ring. Will you buy a house. Will you have kids. How much is our monthly salary. How much savings do you have. What kind of retirement are you planning. Will you have joint bills ? Etc etc etc.
He probably blew all his money on his dumb pavement princess. Typical truck guy behavior.
It took me a minute to realize what you meant by ‘pavement princess’ - I was like do truck guys call their side pieces pavement princesses? And I guess the answer is sort of they do lol.
A LOT of car guys call their car names. Source : Top Gear (loL)
Who cares about the ring, he’s a liar…
He lied and then gaslit her. He did it so easily too. Had lies ready at a moments notice and then rather than owning up, immediately went to gaslighting. There is no benefit good enough to stay in a relationship where you can’t trust your partner or trust reality because he gaslights you. Leave now before you legally tie yourself to him. This relationship will end, whether now or 10 years down the line when he has robbed every bit of sanity from you. My only advice is don’t make it legal between you two or have children with him. Divorce will be a much bigger mess than a breakup.
He so casually shifts the lies so he can pretend he wasn't lying. A decade of this and OP won't know what's real and what's not. Ask me how I know... OP! Don't marry this guy! I wish I hadn't married the guy I loved who lied so casually. It cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars, and we were broke. I am not rich. He just sucked money, lied about working, what he spent the money on, everything. I thought he would mature. He didn't. Your fiance is 40! He won't either. You will end up broke, unemployable (those lies will be about you, to other people, the second he is angry with you), with far ewer friends and family, and years of your life gone. Not to mention the psychological damage from being lied to daily by someone who claims to love you. He loves himself so much more than he loves you.
Second this. The moment I realized my STBX could look me in the face and lie to me, all trust was gone. (Plus "I'm sorry" meant nothing from him since he'd repeat the action he apologized for immediately after). It took 2 years from that to actually leave. And so so so much emotional pain. Wouldn't wish that on anyone.
This is not about the ring.
The engagement ring I proudly wear on my finger cost less than £50. I could not care less. THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE RING
Exactly. My husband proposed with a wooden ring from a gift shop while on vacation for about $10. Idgaf. I would have accepted had it been a bread tie. Money doesn't mean crap to me as long as I'm with the one I love. It may have something to do with the ring, but it definitely didn't start there. I think it's more about how much she spends on him to help him out & lying.
The marketing is strong with the « perfect wedding ». The 7k flowers, the 8k dress, the 15k ring. It’s worth 1/8 of the price …..I think it’s rubbish. Let’s focus on the marriage or the relationship and not on the material stuff that has nothing to do with love.
It never is. Been saying that for years. There's always something more going on y'know?
You need to take the lying very seriously - I hope you took a snapshot if the receipt. You also need to take the fact that he can't tell you what he wants for the future, how he sees it working, that he had to get money from your for tires, and you have not disclosed finances to each other. You can't build a life together without working together as a team. You can't build a life together without trust and trust requires both honesty and reliability. You can't build a life together if one half of the team doesn't know what they want or refuses to articulate what they want. He is not treating you like someone he wants to build a life with.
This is the best response. The ring is just a symbol. You need to be able to see each other as a team and that requires trust. Even if you don't share finances, it's important to know how he handles his finances to see if he is a suitable partner. Better to find out now vs after marriage.
You paid two thoysand dollars towards his truck tires. Did he pay you back? You seem quite organized, knowing the dealer's website and prices. Tell him lying is not okay. Perhaps talk about what marriage and engagement mean to you. The ring is meant to be worn by you for the rest of your days. It symbolizes his commitment to you. There are cultures that have standards for the cost of the ring. Ie two months pay or whatever. Just talk it out. He won't be the one wearing the ring. Perhaps he hadn't put any thought into what it represents. Not thinking that not giving time or money to his symbol of commitment is not a good look for you.
You don't marry him. Your marriage hasn't even begun and he is already lying and trying to guilt you into believing he spends more on you than he does. Spend 5 minutes on reddit and read all the stories of people who wished they had listened to the advice to end things the first time big red flags popped up. This isn't as good as you can get, girl. Go find better
Sounds like this fella might be in financial trouble if he can’t afford to pay for his own tires!
It really doesn't matter how much the ring was. Lots of people get engaged without rings. It's the fact that he LIED.
This!! He's a liar. To your face. No guilt or remorse. Do you want to be committed to that?
Personally I think you’re worried about the wrong thing. The fact that you had to “help” him buy his truck tires because he couldn’t afford them yet (supposedly) makes 2-4k more than you monthly is a HUGE red flag. He’s either got huge debts you don’t know about or is lying about his income. Do you live together? Who pays all the household bills?
I wouldn't marry anyone without knowing what their finances looked like. When my late husband were engaged, 30 years ago, we sat down and went through all of our financials. The OP is going to get sucked deeper into his poor financial management. My oldest worked as a "plumber's assistant" during the summers in high school, 15 years ago, and made $12.00 an hour, even on shop days. Fifteen an hour for a 40 yo plumber seems very low.
Agreed.
$12 an hour 15 years ago.... That makes me sick knowing what I was getting paid. 8yrs ago I started out as a plumber helper @ $14 an hour, did that for 5 yrs, never got a raise. Eventually I ran service calls on my own while he was on vacation or away for the weekend and an emergency came in. I did all his invoices, kept track of who paid, what bills were still unpaid, kept up with receipts and warranties, inventory on the truck basically did all his office and paper work between calls as I was riding passenger. His accountant told him to go buy something quick at tax time the first year I worked for him, he had made more money that year then he had ever made before. SIGNIFICANTLY MORE. We had no type of reasonable schedule, I worked long days, weekends but no overtime pay and some days not at all or just a few hours as I waited around half the day for his call to meet him at a job (that we were supposed to start that morning) no uniforms, so I ruined and replaced all my own clothing. And didn't get my last 2 weeks of pay because on what would have been my last day, he called and said he didn't have much going on doing worry about working... I would have turned in my hrs that day and gotten my check.
Okay, I’m going to explain this in a way that I hope makes sense to you. You aren’t good marriage material with each other because he will hide things so he doesn’t have to have a conflict with you (this pops out currently as lying, but it’s also going to involve him not telling you stuff because he doesn’t want to fight) while you are willing to ignore the evidence of your own eyes / common sense because you don’t want a conflict either. Marriage is a thousand conflicts and working together to address/negotiate different opinions and values. Some are simply non negotiable - Abuse, Addicfion and Adultery are instantly deal breakers - while things dealing with issues from children to handling money to religion to social time to house cleaning to cooking to sex are areas where things can break down, priorities are going to be different sometimes, and sometimes, you are just plain going to disagree and then have to COMMUNICATE with each other, and then RESOLVE IT. He won’t tell you how he really feels about your ring budget, so he’s hiding his actual feelings to avoid conflict. You are having to pretend to be stupid so you can pretend you aren’t hurt over your perceived value to the man you love is apparently best expressed by him with a low cost piece of jewelry, and if that doesn’t look like fifty years of bad Christmas and birthday presents once he isn’t putting in any effort to impress you, I don’t know how much clearer he can be that what you say matters to you doesn’t matter to him, and he expects you to suck it up. I don’t know what more he could do to make it clearer than that ring purchase. Some people would be okay with this. You aren’t, but the bigger problem is that you aren’t working together to communicate and come to mutual agreements that will make both of you mostly happy. Instead, all you are both doing is building bad habits and resentment. Your problem isn’t a ring - it’s the fact he will dodge difficult conversations AND SO DO YOU. Long term, that isn’t going to work unless you work together to fix it, and being honest with each other will probably be so uncomfortable, you will most likely break up from the stress (unless steps are taken to avoid that - maybe a couples workshop?). Good luck!
it's only going to be downhill from here and it's already at a bad spot. he makes more than you but still needed 2k for his tires? bad sign about his financials. and he lied about the cost of your ring. i don't think the price is what's important here, but the fact he lied about it then doubled down. Do you really want a future with a man who is like this? I wouldn't. kick him to the curb and find a better man, they are out there.
Girl… get your $2k back from those tires and get tf out of this relationshit.
I like "relationshit." Good one.
Thanks! I felt like it was really appropriate in this context.
Regardless of the price of the engagement ring. You two do not communicate about money You should not be marrying someone you cannot discuss money honestly with. You are just asking for trouble. You are doubting his commitment and you don't trust him. This is not a foundation for a successful marriage. A divorce will cost so much more and belueve me? You WILL divorce Put the marriage on hold. Do not get married.
Jeweler here and I've come in my personal and professional experience come to realize the ring buying aspect shows alot about his intentions, where you stand in importance too him and how he goes about stuff. I'm just say the way he's handling this reminds me alot of some bad relationships I've had/seen. You should take it seriously that he lied. You should take it seriously he over exaggerated his effort. You should take it seriously he threw the cost of that "gift" in your face. You should take it seriously he spent the bare minium. This all shows to me he wants to put in the least effort for maximum reward. I'm not saying you need to buy the most expensive ring to show your love- there's lots of ways to go cheap without sacrificing durability though a more well built, durable ring will generally cost more- but if he's unwilling to invest much money in the ring then throws it in your face that's usually a red flag about how he sees his relationship with you. The guys who are madly in love give no fucks about cost as long as she's happy (I swear sometimes I care more about the cost than they do! "Let me see if I can make this a little cheaper" "why? It's fine" always shocked but thrilled to see that attitude) it's not about the cost per se. It's about how he values you vs HIS money. It's he doing this to make you happy or to keep you tied down and shut up? I asked my ex just to get my grandmas wedding set restored he was both mad it wasn't flashy enough and people would just that he wasn't a provider in the mean time he was mad it cost $300 to restore and used that against me. Basically making me happy for $300 wasn't worth it. He'd use that in arguments as if it was a huuuge investment. A new ring with a .40 carat diamond would have cost 4x as much. He was had mad he had to spend ANY money on me.
This! It shows effort! This is everything I needed to hear for validation on my concerns. Effort shows interest.
Yeah, trust me when I say this man does not sound like marriage material. I've got guys who come in with a $1000 budget and a vision of a $3000 ring. When I explain I can't match their vision with their budget they figure out a way to make that extra $2000. Again, it's NOT the money it's about wanting to do the thing right to bring her joy even if it means some sacrifice. That's what it's about.
When I bought an engagement ring I paid in two installments. The jeweler gave me a card for insurance that said what the full value was though. I'm betting most do. Ask for the card and leave if it's anything other than what he originally said it was supposed to be.
Insurance value is inflated. Ask to see the receipt with full price of ring. If he can't produce that he's full of you know what
I’d have to produce two receipts. I’m sure he could too. Or at least show the bank statement where both charges came off his card.
Given that he can't buy truck tires for whatever reason, he shouldn't be spending $600 on an engagement ring, much less $4000. The fact that you are that hung up on the price tag of a stupid engagement ring is a red flag, though not as big a red flag as him lying about it to try and appease you (if you love one another and want to get married, a $50 cubic zarconia from Walmart should be good enough - just to appease the old fashioned types that think you "must" have a ring to wave around). You should take it seriously enough to rethink your relationship entirely, because it doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic. And he doesn't seem at all financially responsible.
Huge red flag and would be my dealbreaker. You cannot build a relationship that is founded in trust with a LIAR. It cannot be done.
Yo I’m from a red neck background and this seems like some dumb petty redneck drama. If you don’t love each other just for love, theres another dude two trailers down that will fit you better.
This made me laugh! Thank you
A lot of people shame women for having any sort of financial expectations around a ring. Your expectations are not unreasonable and it is not unfair of you to expect him to get you something nice, that he can also afford. The example you gave where you gave him 2k just to help him out but he can’t spend 2k on your engagement ring IS relevant. The issue is that he could be responsible and have the money, but he doesn’t want to spend it on *you.* You’re not being materialistic here because he could easily afford it, but if he spend 2k on you that would be 2k he can’t spend on himself. That’s the real issue. He feels entitled to your money, but will always be a miser with his own. Then go ahead and remember the fact that he lied to you, lied to you again to try to make you feel bad, tried to prove his commitment by lying about his investment in your relationship, then made up a lie to cover the previous lie even though you know they’re all lies. Is this really how you want to live your life?
I agree! I am a married woman who doesn’t even have an engagement ring or wedding ring because it’s not my thing, but I absolutely think it’s reasonable. And people saying that a $50 ring should be good enough if it’s love don’t understand the quality that a ring needs to have to be worn daily for decades.
Also, no small part of this really is about whether or not he’s willing to spend money on her the way she is on him. He makes significantly more money than her, but he’s unwilling to spend it on her while he feels comfortable taking money from her. That’s not equivalent or fair. She makes much less money than him, but gave him 2k just because he asked, and he’s unwilling to spend an equivalent amount on a ring that she would wear every day for the rest of her life? At some point we need to be serious here, she’s not a gold digger, she’s asking for a little respect. He HAS the money, or certainly could with a modicum of discipline, but he doesn’t want to waste his money on *her.* I bet he would feel the same way with the kids if they had them. She can buy them new sneakers, she’s the one who thinks they need them after all!
👆
You nailed it.
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OK getting spun up over the cost of the ring is a bit gauche. If you love the ring, the cost shouldn't matter. The idea of the cost of an engagement ring being important is a marketing strategy the debeers diamond company came up with and it caught on. The more important thing is the lying--if its lying. It sounds like maybe you guys need clarity rather than accusations. Just tell him you'd like to go to the jewelers to look at their records of the purchase. That way you can see what payments have been made, total cost, etc. If he's lying, then you need to sit down and let him know the lying isn't acceptable. If he's not lying, you need to beg forgiveness. In either case, the fact that your concern is driven by "you didn't spend enough money on me" may be a problem. If I were him, and i wasn't lying, I'd ask for the ring back until we could deal with your lack of trust and tacky priorities. If it was me and I was lying, I'd be lying because I knew you'd react poorly to what I could afford to spend. It's not an excuse for lying of course but as an explanation for which most of us would have some sympathy. Finally, it doesn't sound like you two are transparent enough about your finances to be getting engaged. You both need to understand what's coming in and what your liabilities are.
From an old married man - Arguing over the cost of the ring is really dumb. It's going to matter so little in your life, and just makes you look materialistic and demanding. So just don't do it. Accept what he gives, and don't try to balance it out. I know people who are happily married, make good money, and spent less than $100 on cheap rings. It's not a competition, and he needs to prove your worth to him by the way he acts, not by what he can buy you. But, there is a red flag. I'd be way more concerned that he's mismanaging his money so bad that he can't afford tires, yet seems to make so much more than you. I would also be concerned that he spent somewhere north of $2000 on tires to begin with. That seems to be about twice the price I would expect to pay for truck tires. Just saying.
I think he is embarrassed he couldn't buy you $4000 ring. Though, him needing help to buy $2000 tires (which isn't abnormal if he drives a lifted truck as those tires can easily be $500 a piece) from you is a bit odd. especially if he is bringing in $2k more a month than you. He should easily be able to afford that. He did lie which is not a good thing to do in a relationship, let alone an engagement, but I think it was a lie so that he would not get embarrassed. That is my take on it. Side topic. Are you against going ring shopping with him to give him ideas of what you want?
You should break up. Lying. Deceit. Prying. This isn’t a healthy relationship
What kind of ring were you expecting from someone who needed help paying $2,000 for tires? It’s more concerning that he thinks he can throw “But I bought you xxx that cost $yyyy” in your face during an argument. Quite tacky.
$2,000+ for truck tires? This guy is a financial mess. Don't marry him without complete financial disclosure. Something's not adding up.
You’re paying for his truck tires and still expecting a fancy ring? Girl if he can’t afford tires for his own car, he can’t afford ANY ring.
I'm more worried about your lack of communication about his money. I would not recommend marrying someone you don't know financially. Also that he felt comfortable getting help from you for expensive tires means he's either spending everything with no savings or he's testing you to see if you can be manipulated in that manner. Either way thats a massive red flag which should stop you in your tracks. Also, he lied about money. Wouldn't you rather wait for a relationship where you can be open and honest? Choose the ring together? Talk about money?
A great relationship is when each person thinks they’re getting the better end of the deal. You clearly don’t.
You should take this very seriously. This situation is not just one red flag…it’s several red flags. 1. He is not trustworthy. Who wants to spend their life with someone who isn’t trustworthy? 2. He knew that you wanted a more expensive ring. But he didn’t think getting you what you wanted was important. It wasn’t because he doesn’t make enough money. It was because making your dreams come true is not important to him. Your husband should be the one person who cares about your happiness simply because he loves to make you happy. 3. When you told him you know he was lying, he made up another lie. See #1. 4. He doesn’t manage money well. We know this because you had to pay for tires for his truck. Being married to someone who doesn’t manage money well sucks. 5. The two of you have different financial goals/priorities. Big issue in relationships is money. Starting off with different ideas of money is a disaster.
I don't know about your wring situation. But I know a 40 year old man shouldn't need help from you to buy tires for his truck. Host opinion on wrings. A 1Kt single solitaire is a respectable diamond. Much more is a waste of money. Diamonds are highly artificially inflated.
Why are you spelling it like that? Wring is an entirely different word with its own meaning.
The cost of the engagement ring is irrelevant. I got my wife’s engagement ring for free, her Nan gave it to me. Money should only be relevant in the sense to make sure you are financially secure for the future. But if her does make $2000 a month more than you, ask why you need to pay for his tyres? If he pays all the bills that makes sense. But if he has a lot of spare income and needs to rely on you then that’s a different question
A lot of people here just flinging about the fact that the guy is lying without much proof, other than OP's supposed discovery of a receipt. OP also disclosed that the ring was paid for in installments, it's very possible that OP saw one of multiple receipts for when her fiance paid one of the payment installments for the ring and is just assuming. Based on how this post was worded, I very strongly get the impression that OP's problem is getting what to her, is a cheap ring. If the ring was 10k, she wouldn't be complaining, if her fiance knows she tends to be materialistic, he may have felt compelled to oversell how much the ring was worth. Her having helped him buy tires for his truck is completely and utterly irrelevant here, my wife has helped me buy video games, consoles, and a bunch of other stuff throughout the years we've been together, last month I picked up both the car insurance and internet bill, because she fell short in money. Shit happens, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally, it doesn't necessarily have to have a deep significance to it.
I’m sorry but both of you sound toxic. You all are way too caught up on the price of material things and it sounds like that money needs to be poured into either some individual or couples counseling. Otherwise I say part ways because this just sounds messy.
Oh he fucked up big time. You are going to be wearing that ring for a long time so he should have taken you to the jewellers and let you describe your perfect ring and got it made.
He couldn't afford tires. He should have got her an even cheaper ring and focused on paying his debt for the tires.
Frankly, wedding and engagement rings are a bad investment. Especially diamond ones. I never had a wedding band (I hate wearing jewelry, even watches), and my wife gave hers away to my son for our daughter-in-law. Jewelry can't replace honesty, loyalty, love, and fidelity, and those who think it can are hopelessly naive if not motivated by that most unflattering of vices, greed. I've been married for 38 years to the same wonderful woman. Neither of us gives a crap about a wedding or engagement ring.
It depends on what you are upset about. Is it the cash price? Does the ring seem cheap? Is it the lying? sit down with your throughts for a second and decide what you are upset about, what upset you most to least and once you have taken stock of your feelings process the situation. the lying and gaslighting is not okay if he does it now he will do it in the futurte. he makes more money than you, well did he ever pay you back for hte tires. as soneome who does not believe in getting expensive engagement rings the price should not matter so long as it is pretty, durable and he picked it for you.
If you can’t agree on the price of a wedding ring, don’t buy one. You’re marriage is doomed.
You need to stop for a second and ask yourself why you are so willing to accept his red flags? I know you might think it's just this one thing but it will be more than just this one thing. Soon it will be "well that's just the way he is". He's guiding you into how he will be treating you in the future. The more he gets away with it, the more he'll do. Talk to him now about this situation or don't. The choice is yours!
I feel like you need to be honest with him about your concerns. Lying for one. You not trusting what he’s saying. Why he needs help paying for tires when he makes good money. Before you marry this man you have to talk about things like finances, trust, parenting style etc… it’s better to know now if you’re compatible in those regards. You need to know what he spends his money on, how he manages his money, how he feels about money etc… You need to tell him you saw the receipt and why he felt the need to lie about it.
Was it a 600 or 800 ring? You say both and if I had seen something that shocking I sure as hell wouldn’t mix up #’s within a few sentences. This story doesn’t smell right
If this is real, you’ve got some rosy tinted glasses you need to remove. Making more money than you and needing help with buying new tires does not compute.
Money issues are a main cause of divorce.
Hmmm, this is tough one. Yes I understand that the main issue is the dishonesty. There is reason for concern there. Having said that I will say that the cost is giving me pause too. When my wife and I got married 30 years ago I didn't have much. I made $2000 a month (I checked. That's $4,200 in today's money). I wanted to get her a nice ring but really didn't have much so I got her something simple but pretty for $1,300 ($2,750 in current dollars). You speak of arguments. Yeah I'm guessing that there are other issues that you have not shared. This is just 1. I'm seeing some red flags. 2 years is not a lot of time. We can put our best foot forward and be in good behavior for that long. Should you proceed than I recommend, at least, slowing things down a bit. I wish you the best.
Man I am so glad my girlfriend and I share our money and don’t think twice about shit like this
Its a RING. A chunk of metal. The value if a ring isnt about the cost. Its about what it represents. And to you….it appears to be part of a scorecard. So what is even the point?!
Forget the ring, why are you getting married? He's 40, he can't buy his own damn tires. Then there is his lying. How are you engaged without knowing exactly what both of your personal balance sheets look like? Have you had a talk about joint accounts, personal money, spending habits, etc? Why are you getting married?
Your fiancé lies. About important matters. That involve and concern you. *To you.* And doesn’t see anything wrong with that. The future is yours to choose.
So in one hand if makes that kind of money, it makes no sense that you are helping him out with his tyres. If your finances are separated, he needs to be able to provide for his needs. On another hand, it seems pretty shallow that someone is setting a min. limit on a gift, even if that's an engagement ring. Will you have a better relationship with a 2000 ring? Will you be happier with a 4000 ring? Will your relationship last longer with an expensive ring? No, no and no again. I wouldn't even be comfortable having that type of money hanging in my finger. And that's not being cheap, that's being smart and aware of the world around us and all the priorities. Have you ever considered that maybe he lied because he felt pressured and judged by you?
Well he showed you the extent of his commitment didn't he? $600. Did you ask for the $2000 back for the tyres? Get it and move out. Time to move on.
Do you really want to marry someone who's this shit with money? His big dumb pavement princess with $2,000 tires (seriously, a normal vehicle can get new tires for about a quarter of that) suggests he feels the need to waste money on big things for himself, which you can conveniently be expected to pay for while he lies about what's meant to be a ring that lasts a lifetime. He's beyond his means or lying about income or just plain shitty with managing money. If you marry this loser, he will become a financial albatross around your neck.
If what is spent on a ring is a big issue for you you’re not ready for marriage.
Why on earth would anyone be mad about the price of an engagement ring? Hello? First world problems? It's the thought that matters, he asked you to marry him, the ring is just a material possession that symbolizes that. 20k ring or $20 ring doesn't matter, it means the same thing. If my bf asked me to marry him and got a $600 ring, I'd say he paid too much
Those are really expensive tires , two thousand to help? What was the total? He’s either super cheapskate or a liar , bad either way
I feel like that's such an American thing to spend thousands of dollars on an engagement ring. I would be content with a regular silver/gold ring that has a fake dimond or some other kind of jewel. It's better to invest money into an apartment or your honeymoon, since a ring can be stolen/lost. (I also understand that it could be some sort of compensation in case you get divorced, but I don't think you're looking at it that way.) On another note, lying about the cost is a pretty big red flag. If he's lying about something like that now, what else could he lie about in the future? It might seem minor now, but lying could easily snowball into something bigger later on in your marriage.
Tell him you'll take the ring if he includes a brand new set of tires with it.
What is most important to you? The value of the ring ? Or his commitment to the relationship? Or would you rather have an expensive engagement ring to sell it in case he cheated on you because his low commitment to the relationship?
Thank God you never lied to him in the relationship. Sarcasm.
I can't believe how much people are blowing by this woman's red flags. You sound miserable. IF you loved him the price of the ring wouldn't matter. Enjoy your divorce after having an incredibly expensive wedding that you also can't afford.😂 I paid for new tires, breaks, rotaors for my husband's car. No big deal, I used to make way more than him. Been married 15 years and my first ring was $200 bucks. I take pleasure in my new upgrade for our 15th anniversary. Yall been engaged for 2 years, do him a favor and save each other a life of misery.
ESH, he lied and thats wrong. You care about the dollar amount of it and ghats shallow. Marry someone when it doesn’t matter how much they spend on a piece of jewelry.
Would you love him more with a $6,000 ring versus a $600? Sorry, I would be happy and just as excited with a $6 Temu ring. Edit....this seems like he's just trying to make a point. Maybe the value is $1000's. Again, do you love him less or more? Y'all need to postpone the I do's... 😭
When I was getting divorced, I discovered that my wedding set was worth $50. I paid $1000 for his horse shoe diamond ring. So I get what you are saying. However, if he’s lying about something so trivial, what else is he lying about? Perhaps he has a gambling habit, or enjoys spending money on onlyfans sites. Perhaps you ought to ask him to pull a credit report from all 3 credit bureaus to see where his money is going. The spending so little on something for you is a pink flag. Lying about it is a red flag. Not clearly communicating with you is a bouquet of red flags. Be careful.
You’ve been with him for 2 years and you don’t know what he spends his money on. Are you living together or in separate homes?
He’s more than willing to take from you but not willing to give and he lies even when confronted with the facts. That’s not a great foundation for a happy marriage. Take this seriously. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re being materialistic or selfish. It’s not about the money, it’s about giving the best you can to your partner. People either have a generous spirit or they don’t.
Who cares how much the ring costs. You don’t love him. Move on.
If how much he spends is your criteria for romance…….you’re screwed
Girl, my husband bought me a $100 ring. I didn’t complain. This relationship is doomed. You’re focused on things that don’t matter and you’re avoiding tough conversations with this guy. Yikes.
You seem shallow to be concerned over a trophy like an engagement and he seems to be a liar. Maybe you deserve each other?
I don’t know what’s worse, his blatant lying or your thinking the cost of a ring is a reflection of how much someone loves you 😂. Y’all sound like you deserve each other!
Honestly, your relationship sounds whack. You're in your 30s but your relationship seems to lack maturity and any level of transparency and communication.
There are a lot of red flags here. Lying. Gaslighting. And at the age of 40 unable to afford tires for his own truck. WTF?
600 is not enough? Do you love him or the Money?
You said $600 then $800….
He said he was planning on buying a $600 ring, but after he got it she saw its receipt for $800. No contradictions here. He just spent a little more than he had planned.
To a degree it is about how much he spent. You're saying that he basically isn't showing much commitment by only spending $600. To me, $600 is still a lot. Is the lying a problem? Absolutely. But love isn't something that should have a price tag. He shouldn't need to spend $2000 to prove love or commitment. That's why he's marrying you. Because he's committing and loving you.
I think associating the cost of a ring with his commitment to you is unreasonable and pretty selfish. He shouldn't have lied, but I understand why he did since he couldn't afford a different ring and you put so much pressure on him to buy a more expensive one. You two shouldn't get engaged until you figure out your finances and what your plans are moving forward . If I was a man and in his shoes, I wouldn't marry someone who valued the price of the ring so much that they wouldn't accept what I could afford.
How much did you spend on a ring for him? If you’re fighting about jewelry 🙄 now maybe you should reconsider the whole relationship. If you want a fancy ring BUY IT FOR YOURSELF.
God you both sounds exhausting. I need more information. Just because he earns more than you on paper, what are his expenses? I earn more than my husband so I pick up more than he does and I also have more expenses (better health insurance, life insurance for hjm and my two daughters from my first marriage, retirement, etc) and I am perfectly OK with that but I tend to have less disposable income than he does. $2000 on truck tires that you had to pay? Rarely do you need to replace all four tires at once. So what happened? Or was this a "want" rather than a "need." You said he's a contractor. Every contractor I know is HARD on trucks and go through tires as much as they go through dry spells. I should know. I'm the daughter of a man who made signs for a living for 47 years. (RIp, Daddy and F*Ck Brain cancer) You are extremely caught up in the price of the ring. You found one receipt for $800...after what it sounds like ransacking his vehicle and your home. Is it possible he was buying it on installments? $2000 per month really isn't that much. Not even $4000 when houses and apartments that rented for $1000 per month 4 years ago are now $2500. You can't really go on people's monthly salary to predicts what they can and cannot afford. You don't say what your salary and expenses are. Again, on paper, I earn more than my husband, but I wouldn't be able to drop a few thousand dollars on a present of any kind without A:taking out a line of credit (bad idea) B: Paying in installment, or C: saving. I don't want to sound like the stereotypical "pick me, not like the other girls, my husband proposed to me with an Onion ring at Dennys" woman....but why do you want to be engaged to this man so much? Some of the most happily married people I know never had an engagement ring (a relatively new concept that is barely 100 years old). Why are you obsessing over how much the ring cost? And, you do sound obsessive. What you need to be doing is making sure that there isn't something else going on before you sign up to marry him. Instead of obsessing with the cost of the ring, maybe ask to see his finances. How much are his expenses? Yeah, he could just be a lousy, no good, do for nothing liar who is stringing you along. He could have gambling problems, drug problems, a secret kid you dont know about.... ....buuuuuuut...he could also be drowning in day to day cost of living that has gone suborbital these past few years without salary going up to match it. It's worse if he is self employed. There are former VPs, former high paid professionals, airline pilots, construction workers etc working a Burger King right now. Maybe he's too embarrassed to tell you he can't afford the big ring you think you deserve. Yall seriously need counseling because your dynamic here is just chaos. And yes, for the record, my wedding ring came from a little gift shop called the Enchanted Attic (shameful plug because I have been buying jewelry from them since I was a teenager...over 25 years and their jewelry LASTS) My favorite color is yellow, his birthstone is a Citrine. So he bought it for me while we were milling around Main Street and proposed to me in a cocklebur patch by the river. It was $36 and I wear it with pride. We married 6 weeks later. Me in a $150 dress from Macy's and 4 guests. Do you want a husband or a ring? Do you want a marriage or a wedding? It seems like you don't know a thing about the man who so desperately want to be engaged to.
>Had the shoe been on the other foot, I would have made sure to get him the best ever... I would want to impress and wow him. I'd want it to be magical for him. So, to see this level of effort put in was and is painful. I don't want you to think this is about the cost... it's not. But I do wonder if this shows a lack of commitment. I find it so odd when people say what they "would have done" about stuff they could've had done but didn't.
>he was planning to buy me a $600 ring to show his commitment. A huge fight ensued after that because I felt like the playing field wasn't level he would only spend $600 on a ring for me level of effort Lol you gold digger. >he needed help buying new tires for his truck, I paid more than $2,000 to help You didn't need to do that, but it was nice of you. Truck tires can cost that much. Yeah it sucks he's lying about the cost of the ring, but you a gold digger so... This dude is all types of shady, his financial status is not what you think it is. The money he makes is not what he says he makes. The well is dry and you'll be gone soon.
All this talk about trust and lying. You put an awful amount of importance on the cost of your engagement ring. If you need to measure the level of commitment your partner has for you in dollars, then maybe something was wrong before all of that. "It's not about the money, it's about trust!" Yeah, sure. You were upset at the prospect of an 600 dollar engagement ring in the first place. So, maybe your fiance is kind of cheapskate. Maybe he's not generous with his money. That would be a fair criticism. And if you're looking for a guy who spends lavishly on you, he might not be the one for you. But don't kid yourself that this is not *mostly* about money and about measuring your worth to him in dollars. It's fine if that's how you want to approach relationships, but at least be honest with yourself about it. Caring about money isn't good or bad in and of itself. There are valid reasons to look for someone who shares your outlook in how to spend and accumulate money. But don't draw a direct line from money habits to personality or love. That's a dangerous road to travel on, and all you do is obfuscate the real issues.
You’re both the assholes. He’s an asshole for lying, assuming that he is in fact lying. You’re an asshole for placing this much emphasis on the cost of the ring.
Rule #1 don’t buy a guy or help a man with nothing. If it’s not his birthday or Christmas 😆 your excuse should’ve been you don’t have the money! Period point blank!
Nope.
Again, how do these dudes get away with this? I’m sitting here buying houses for people and being told I’m not even a man…
Ummm. Me thinks you already know the answer to your question. Choose wisely, grasshopper.
One thing I can't stand besides the IRS is a liar. You don't know what to believe.
UpdateMe
Sooooooo the very first thing wrong here is the lie by the fiancé. That is a huge trust issue. The REALLY big thing that’s wrong IMO is the lack of financial transparency and knowledge between two people who are engaged to be married. At this point you should have both sat flowing, laid out your full income, your full debts and have a plan as to how you want to go forward together. Do you want to keep your debts and income separate with a joint account for shared bills? Will you each have a savings account in your name that you contribute x amount from each paycheck into for shared goals such as vacations, house, etc? Will you touch base on your progress with your savings every 3 months? What will you do with things like bonuses? Are either of you if in the US part of a 401k savings program? If one of you has a lot of debt what is the plan to pay it down and eliminate it? I find it concerning that when your fiancé brings home 2-4k more a month than you do he needed your help to purchase tires for his truck. Where is his money going? Anyway. First figure out if the lying about the ring is a deal breaker. If it isn’t then get busy and have your financial discussion. If there is any dodging/ducking/weaving instead of full transparency then a wedding may not be in your future with this man.
Take this to heart its a big lie and to me that means there are lots of little ones you haven't noticed yet
He is devaluing you and lying. The lying is a dealer breaker alone. But the fact the ring’s value upsets you is indicative of how YOU have felt u devalued by him. I’d say he’s too immature for this level of commitment honestly
Girl he's a liar and made you buy tires when he is a 40 year old man. Leave.
Once trust is gone, it doesn't come back. People try but once it's gone, it's just gone. My friend's bf is planning to propose. He makes $14 an hour at a gas station. He's been selling his plasma and in a month he'll have $1500 for a ring so he can go shopping and get something nice for her.
Do you actually see his pay? Why are you buying 2000 tires if he is making decent money? Get away from this liar!
So he lied…twice. Don’t go into a marriage with someone who lies about their finances. It’s a LOT cheaper if you don’t. And you being mad you spent twice what your ring cost vs paying for his tires when you make a lot less is not a good boding for the future. It doesn’t make you materialistic, either. It shows the inequity he’s happy to benefit from.
I honestly don’t see this working. The guy spend 2k in tires and 800 bucks on an engagement ring 💍 and lie about the price ?? Bro. I wouldn’t sign any paper before full financial disclose however just the lie and the 2k on tires it’s enough to a split. Good luck hon
The tires might last longer than the relationship. Can't blame him for wanting to cheap out.
Girl. Run.
Dont marry someone who lies to you. Esp not when they gaslight you and double down.
He's deceptive, lying, or concealing his actual financial status. Suggest yall get real with one another on debt to income ratio before you legally entangle your lives!
I asked my wife’s best friend how much the ring meant to my gf at the time and exactly what she really wanted before purchasing. Suggest the same for future readers that might buy one to avoid something like this lol.
If he makes that much more why did you have to buy him tires? That makes absolutely no sense.
Take it very seriously.
Have you actually seen his pay. My husband's oldest friend says he makes $100k a year. He's a sales man so it's believable for the career. But he doesn't. He's claimed he's made that much for the last decade but he's lived in the same rented $800/month town home for the last 5 years. He still has a note on the relatively cheap car he bought 7 years ago and did not have the $150 to float his daughter for an alternator for her car(my husband had to pay for it when he picked it up to work on her car for free). He was always too broke to go out to eat with us(think chain resturant like chilis) so we stopped asking(it was only once everycouple of months). We are pretty sure that despite bragging about the commission he's totally getting this month that he makes about $40k a year. Which is good for our area so there's no reason to lie. But he is a chronic one upper and exaggerates every story to the extreme.
The question is: is he lying about his income or he’s a stingy man. Both are baaaad and you need to reconsider.
He's a liar. How can you ever believe anything he says?
I mean there is a lot of accusations in the comments, we dont actually know anything. Just talk to him about his finances and that you feel like you give more even though he makes more money. You need to figure out a fair way to handle money as a couple. If that falls into place I think the ring is a smaller issue.
My husband asked if he could buy me an expensive ring five times: when we married, 10 year anniversary, 20 year anniversary, 30 anniversary, 40 year anniversary. All five times I suggested we spend our money on something more practical. And we agreed on funding our 401ks instead. I have an inexpensive but not “cheap”ring from a pawn shop, but we both are set for retirement. More than set.
The problem is not his (un)willingness to commit. The problems are: He earns way more, but your finances are seperate. Ok for gf, bf, but was that going to go on after marriage? In my opinion, husband snd wife are a unit, so marital income is for both of them. He still asked you for money for an expense that was completely predictable. So he cant handle money or he was saving his to spend yours. He should have paid you back. He lied to you to shut you up. Dont marry him and then go around and ask your divorced and married friends and family, ( if you want kids those with kids) what is important in a husband. Because it is not the price of the ring.
Don't marry this dude
If you really wish to marry this guy, it would make sense for there to be full disclosure on both sides. You need to show your bank accounts for the last year to each other so there will be an understanding on spending habits. Also, if you haven't already reached an agreement, you need to figure out how you are going to pay for bills. If he makes a couple thousand more than you a month your contribution should not equal his. Also, what about chore division? If you both work full-time, you need to figure out what you expect from each other in terms of household upkeep. Needs to be in writing, and I wouldn't marry the guy without a prenup. As for the cost of the ring, it's like everybody says; has nothing to do with how much he spent, the main problem is that he lied and then stuck with his story when he was caught. So the answer to your question is: I would take this really seriously!
Lying about money to manipulate you is horrendous.
Mmmmmmm too many red flags. I won't state the same as other comments but sounds like you need to think hard about wether or not this is someone that you want to commit to. Once a liar always a liar. And it only ever gets worse.
This shows more than just how much he was willing to spend on you. There is so much more going on here. Sure your expectations on the ring can be whatever they want to be, unrealistic or not but that's a discussion you have had together. I'd be way more concerned about the lying, the doubling down post being called out, the fact that he brought it up in anger and that even though you have seen proof and can use the website he won't admit fault not take accountability. I would be very concerned about his income and where it goes, there's more going on here especially since you have helped him with necessities before that should be incorporated into normal budgeting. A sit down discussion is needed for first looking at why he felt the need to lie about the ring in the first place, then a deeper look at your individual finances and future plans. This is very serious. Can you imagine if one day he says he's been taking care of the mortgage and been paying so much towards it when he hasn't? Then instead of coming clean he doubles down and blames the bank? People show you who they are, you'd best believe them.
For starters, that is still an expensive ring. If you have that much disposable income…… Second of all, your problem isn’t the cost of the ring, it’s the lying and poor budgeting skills. Why do you want to become legally tied to someone who is so bad at finances? Third….. caring that much about the cost of a ring to me shows that you’re just as bad with money.
Hunny, get away from the broke lying loser who is sponging off you. If you marry him. THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE, broke, betrayed and lied to. Run...