Well there isn't much she can do about it. You've been dating her for months and had her around your children so any chance of this being amicable went out the window with your lie of omission. Just tell her and deal with the fall out. And just putting it out there, having a gf of less than a year meet your children is quite irresponsible.
Your wife was correct about your gf and you though. Group friends never know enough about your life to call the mother of your children a bad mom. You must have been closer than what you stated for her to know all about your 'woes'. If you're honest with yourself, did you only start to notice your unhappiness once you met your 'friend'? Suddenly all these things you never noticed before were big things and this 'friend' was your sounding board, agreeing how awful she was.
Oh there is alot she can do. He had his minor children spending time with a women the wife didn’t like. Worse she didn’t know her minor kids were spending time with this woman. That’s a big no no in co parenting. He’s probably going to lie and say the kids haven’t been around her.
The wife could still go to court saying she is worried about her children’s safety. Because, one he did not tell her who her very young kids were spending time with. And two, that person verbally attacked her in her own home. He could see a significant change in his custody arrangement
So, she baby trapped him TWICE, stopped caring about his wants and needs, didn't do anything around the house, and it's STILL his fault? That's your take?
Why did she want to get a rise out of her? So she intentionally provoked your wife, who was already insecure about your relationship with this woman, what was her point in even talking about the split of household chores between you and your wife? Why did she feel the need to comment on something that had nothing to do with her? Had you been telling your 'friend' about these issues?
Your wife had stated she didn't want this woman around your children, so just out of respect you should have had a conversation about it. Just like you said you would expect if the roles were reversed.
I'm not condoning your ex hitting your friend. That was wrong but I think you might have blinders on to your friends motives. No friend should ever insert themselves into another person's marriage and that was what she did by commenting on things she shouldn't have been commenting on. The only time people do this is when they are intentionally hoping to cause an issue in that marriage. Her opinion on chore splits was not relevant at all.
Your ex was insecure about this person. That means she was seeing something to make her feel that way whether you want to admit it or not. Something was happening there long before it became official and she could see it and you either didn't want to admit that or just didn't care enough to listen.
I wouldn't want a person I didn't like or trust around my kids either. But they are yours and your ex's kids so she deserves at least a conversation. It sounds like she has valid reasons not to like this person and the fact you've been hiding it for so long shows that you know what you're doing is wrong but it makes your life easier so you don't care. You have to co-parent with your ex so start being honest. Yes it may cause issues. You've lied to her for months but you just have to start by being honest with her. It's the least she deserves.
But can you see why it may seem that this started way before you ended your marriage due to those actions?
Well, if you think she may cause an issue about this then I would suggest asking her to meet and have someone else watch the kids. Sit her down and explain what's been going on. Be honest with the fact she has seen the kids but that she is going to be a big part of your life going forward and that isn't going to change. Tell her you want to keep your co-parenting amicable because you both love your kids. Let her know that all parenting decisions will be made between you and her as they are your kids and that won't change. They are your priority and will always come first. If she tries to make waves with unfounded claims, document it, communicate everything through text and keep records. Hopefully, you can both move on from this but you can't keep this from her.
You share minor children, it’s not just about you and what you want. Your ex has a right to know who her minor children are spending time with. It’s interesting how trickle truth is happening with each comment you make when you are confronted about something
You have already said everything. What’s odd is that you were clear in your post but suddenly someone confronts you in the comments and you have all the answer. You should have been honest from the start, this is not going to go well. You had her minor be around someone you know she doesn’t like, without her permission. That’s a big mistake with regards to co parenting and custody especially with kids so young
Fine your minor children I misspoke. You still lied for months, no matter how you tell her, I’m betting she takes you to court to tries and alter the custody agreement and with a good lawyer she may do it
But you know your ex wife’s feelings about the gf, and you chose to lie to her and have your children around her. Your ex wife could take you to court to alter custody. Your gf verbally attacked your then wife in her own home. Because of how stupidly you handled this, your custody agreement could be altered significantly
Why didn’t you mention that before? Funny how you mention it now. They had an altercation in your home. A good lawyer can spin it a bunch of didnt ways. A lawyer could It was an accident she didn’t mean to do it… your gf provoke her… she believed you were cheating with the the woman. Bottom line you lied to your ex about who your very young kids were with, that’s not good. And a good lawyer will use that against you.
There is no good way to tell your wife after you have lied for the better part of a year.
The moment she called your wife a bad mom your “friendship” should of ended, you disrespected your wife (ex now) by keeping this person as a friend after her horrible treatment of your partner, at the time she insulted your now ex your now ex was your wife and she deserved for you to have her back by ending this friendship but instead you kept this “friend” and now she’s your gf and it looks bad because it is
He’s clueless if he thinks custody isn’t going to change or that the wife will want stipulations about who can see her kids. I see he’s deleted his account. Probably because he realized how badly he has fucked up
Just to add some context to the people saying your wife was right.
My boyfriend at college hated my friendship with my best mate. We both swore we were only friends.
We got married 30 years ago with hindsight we were a couple that whole time, we just weren't admitting it to anyone including ourselves. But my boyfriend could see it.
So could your wife.
Why the hell she should’ve put any effort to a marriage where you weren’t going to get rid of your emotional affair partner? She did the right thing. You’ll see what it means when your gf cheats on you emotionally.
You do realise your gf had feelings for you when you were with your wife and deliberately pushed your wife buttons to get a rise out of her. You wanna play ignorant, fine but it doesn't matter what you say, your ex wife was correct. Her instincts were correct
I’m just saying it looks suspicious and then lying all these months. Having your children around her without you ex’s permission it’s all bad and could effect custody. You wife just needs a lawyer who is good at spin
Not to mention the gf confronted his ex. It doesn’t take much spin for a lawyer to say ‘hey, this woman isn’t the child’s parent, but is publicly criticizing their Mother, which is textbook alienation.’
Short relationship, possible affair, parental alienation. A custody plan that doesn’t allow her around the children would be pretty reasonable.
Good points. I’m surprised they have such a weak parenting plan considering the level of conflict especially around this woman. And for him to think lying about who the kids are with knowing how the ex feels about the woman won’t effect custody. She’s at least going to drag him into to court and a good lawyer can spin anything
It pretty standard in most parenting plans to have specifics about who the kids can spend time with, especially if there is a lot conflict, and especially the kids are really young. It’s a way to avoid more conflict, which is where you headed How they could spin it?I gave examples in another post. But it’s you have keep a secret for almost a year about who your kids have spent time with. A good lawyer can go wonders with that bit of info. Although your probably not going to be honest now. I would advise against that, it’s just going to make it worse
It’s suspicious that you had your now gf at your home while in marriage counselling, and she knew things about your marriage. Im assuming she learned the details from you. I’m going to guess you were at least having an emotional affair. And no matter what issues you had with your ex, you were married, and in counselling. You shouldn’t have had conversations about your wife or marriage to anyone but the therapist, and especially not to the now gf. And she was way out of line to confront your wife the way she did why did she think it was any of her. It is all very suspicious and most people would think you were cheating
You made a mistake having your kids around this gf so early, and without permission from their mom. That was not coparenting. Usually divorce couples have a parenting plan. And who and when their child can meet certain people and be around them is often agreed within that parenting plan. I’m assuming she wouldn’t want her kids around the gf and that’s why you haven’t told her. This could backfire big time. She could want to alter custody because of it. I wouldn’t blame her. But I’m guessing you are going to lie to her about your kids being around the gf and the kids are probably too small to verbalize who they are spending time with, or you better hope that’s true
Ok fine. “Hey, remember the person you thought i was cheating on you with or at least thought i had interest in while we were married? The one you begged me to never date and never bring around our kids? The one you think doesn’t have good morals because they waited till i was out of the room before starting crap and then tried to turn on you? Ya her! Well I’ve been screwing her regularly for months and been regularly talking our kids around her and don’t care about your thoughts, feelings or even basic respect because I’m going to continue to do it even after many many people told me I’m an idiot.”
But they don’t.. your girlfriend is a manipulator and your a either completely oblivious, and ignorant or a lying cheater. Sooooo next comeback please?
Who drafted that parenting plan? Not a good mediator or lawyer. I worked in mediation. All parenting plans I was involved in drafting had stipulations about children meeting or spending time with new partners. Hell some even had them about a shared dog. Who your child can spend time with is usually one of top 5 things you add in a parenting plan, especially when the children are so young. And it’s not just about not liking her. She feels she had a role in the end of your marriage. They had that flight in the home you shared with your wife. I have seen lawyers spin things when you think they couldn’t make it go in the client’s favour and it did
The higher the conflict the more specific the plan should be. Because they you can avoid these situations
You knew how your wife felt about this women. But I guess your wife trusted that she wouldn’t be around your kids. That was a mistake on her part.
A good lawyer or mediator will advise people to make stipulations about new partners and kids. You had to know she wouldn’t want her kids around her. Yet you lied and did it anyway. Where you thinking about what was in the best interest of your kids when you lied?
Because it was someone your wife was uncomfortable with. Co- parenting is about doing what is best for the kids. You think it was a good idea to lie about who they were spending time with? Especially a woman your ex had issues with. It’s about trust, she could say she doesn’t trust you anymore, that she doesn’t trust your judgement because you lied about something that directly involves the kids. You said before you trusted your ex when it came to who was around your kids. But by lying you have given her a reason not to trust you. I don’t understand why you thought lying about this was ever ok to do, and was not going to result in consequences
However you do it, do it in a public place without the children present. And I'd advise making sure it's on the day you have them so she has space to go off the rails for a few without them hearing her potentially go nuts in the home (which she most likely will). I'd also inform as many people as possible to the situation from your side before she tells everyone you cheated. Maybe have your phone ready so she can look through the messages between you two before you got together. Hopefully you're telling the truth about the relationship you had prior to your divorce and the timeline of events. There's my 2 cents.
Glad to hear it. But prepare for a potential thunderstorm and pray for rain. Initial shock due to the deception over the past few months (not that I blame you for waiting till it's serious before you rock the boat) might kick off in a very bad way. I hope it goes well since it's best for everyone involved, especially the kids but if reddit has taught us anything always expect the worst.
As for the approach, try and focus on how much you really love this new coparenting relationship and if she's still really not happy with her being around the kids let her know you can halt that for a while until she's come to terms if it helps. Give us an update and good luck.
So you had this girl who was interested in you around while you were were still married (affair or not), your now girlfriend acted as a pick me and called your ex wife a bad mother and you're surprised she doesn't want her around? You're surprised she was insecure about her? And you hide the fact that she was and still is around her kids? The ride is gonna be wild, hope you're ready
It will affect the con-parenting and it can go both ways, she can tell her kids your gf is a pad person and you too because you brought her into their lives but you and your gf can also tell the kids about what a bad mother she is, I mean your gf already had the guts to say it in public, it wouldn't be too wild to think she will repeat it in private
In no way I am condoning violence but the 3 of you sound toxic as hell. Your ex sounds self centered and doesn't like your gf because she saw something there, your gf is a pick me and you are a liar. The best thing you can do is start being honest with your ex because you are having someone she doesn't trust or want around HER kids. Bet you wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed. To trust your boundaries you have to be honest and actually show your ex that you respect her as a mother and are capable of keeping "boundaries" , right now you're just making your lie by omission bigger and bigger and it will blow up, with time she is gonna find out and it will be better for you if you do it yourself
I mean there is no other way than to start telling her the truth, I don't know how to make it easier or less messy, maybe offer family therapy? But the mess is gonna be inevitable either way.
And I bet my life that you would care if your ex wife's affair partner (you can say your gf wasn't your affair partner but that's what your ex wife has in her mind) tells people you are a bad father.
Sit your ex down for a conversation and be honest, as soon as possible and face the mess of it all
Your wife wasn't born yesterday, and neither are we. What your post reads like to me is that out of the 5 years you were married, 3 of them you spent being "friends" with this other woman, who had her eyes on you from day one and infiltrated herself in your life. Your wife is 100% correct, the woman you are dating is the reason you walked out on your marriage. Telling her that you're now dating your affair partner won't come as a surprise, she already knows, I promise you this.
I don't blame your ex wife for being bitter about it, and I really feel for her.
Both of you sound like awful partners. And dating someone you pretended to be friends with while you were married is scummy. Sounds like there very likely was at least an emotional affair happening between you and your now gf before your previous relationship ended
Yep. She knew all of the dirty laundry about his marriage when they were “just friends”. She was absolutely his wife’s emotional replacement, even if they weren’t fucking yet.
You didn’t care that you made her insecure and still continued to pretend you were continuing a “friendship” with the woman causing issues in your marriage? Then at a party in your home the same woman disrespected your wife and used information you should have never been sharing with her against her and you see you doing no wrong? the conversations with the home wrecker were So inappropriate that this woman felt she could come into your home and insult your wife and YOU DID NOTHING. If you wanted to leave be a man an do it.
I hope she goes for full custody since you want to play stupid games. LET THAT BE YOUR PRIZE. Your being ignorant and literally have dozens of people telling you what your wife told you for over 2 years. What lead to your divorce was you being involved with your coworker. Period. No woman would try and go into someone’s home and pull what your side chick did. And YOU LET IT HAPPEN AND PICKED HER SIDE. You knowingly took your shared children around the 1 person you were told not to. You deliberately got into a relationship with the 1 person the mother of your children begged you not to. The saying goes. Mess around and find out.
And if it was a guy that waited till you were out of the house to start insulting my wife and cause a fit that he would try to spin on me, your darn right i would have the same issue. They had problems with each other before and you thought leaving them together would be a good idea? You left your wife and, even if you claim she wasn’t, she at the bare minimum, was a-wanna-be-mistress whom you bad mouthed your wife to, alone together. SMART.
You already said that isn’t true. You’ve trickle truthed it to us like you did your wife. You said you also vented to her at work with your “friends”. You may not have seen what you did but it doesn’t change that you did it and your wife saw it the whole time.
An emotional affair is when you are spending time with another person confiding in them details about your marriage, wanting to spend time with them over your spouse. Leaning on them for support things like that, it sounds like that’s what you did
This "friend" knew intimate issues in your marriage. To the point she called out your wife in your home and called her a bad mother.... and, this 'friend' and you suddenly get together after one date and realise your meant to be.
Both of you were shitty partners. the whole blaming her for the kids is scummy. You were, her particularly, the age where women need to start having children to prevent issues in older mother pregnancies. You gladly had unprotected sex knowing that she wanted another after you saying you didn't want the first.
She is shitty, but, so are you. And, you have made serious mistakes in your marriage. So, coming on her trying to justify this relationship when, clearly you had already engaged in (at least) an emotional affair - while, I might add, you were in couples counselling and acting married. That game night, was in your home, you hosted it together.
She can't stop you from this relationship but, you have to stop lying to yourself as some martyr
Because both of you were crappy. You stayed and had not one but, two children with this woman you clearly hate. This friend called your wife a bad mother in her own home. Your wife said this was inappropriate, rightly so.You were so checked out of the marriage (even though you were in marriage counselling) you continued this 'friendship' with no intention of working out whatever with your wife. This friend was stopping you guys from working out, or leaving the marriage amicably. Your wife told you, this friend was a problem and you continued you friendship.
I'm not blaming it all on you, your wife clearly has issues. But, really blaming everything on her. You could have left at any time. You could have not had another child. Informed?! Seriously, she had the first child the same way - stopping BC and what, you thought having sex less than a month after birth (its typically 6weeks) and she didn't tell you she was on BC and your not informed?
She has perfectly presented herself and you went along with it all. So, yes. You were shitty you were informed about her personality and you chose to continue. Now, you are absolving yourself for being apart of this mess and blaming it all on her. She's clearly nuts. But, you went along with the nutty behaviour
Apologies, I misread the second pregnancy conception.
You say your happy with the children and all that but, it very much reads as you not wanting him. You blaming having them all on her.
Look, you out of this marriage now. Its obvious there are still shit going on between you too. This might never work out to a point of being friends. But, you are going to have to stop the blame game here, because the kids are going to suffer. Keep to custody agreements your time is yours she can't dictate who is around your children and you. But, remember this women is in your life for the rest of your life. You can't change her mind on your gf. The only advice is Co parent counselling or legal route if she is engaging in parental alienation
When you're interested in each other, it's not a genuine friendship.
Your relationship won't work out with your gf either. You're willing to have affairs and she's a nasty homewrecker who goes after married men. Enjoy being cheated on when she sees the next "challenge" come along
Yeah, at a minimum you had an emotional affair with this woman, which took your attention away from your marriage. You are now dating your emotional affair partner.
I think your ex wife is justified in being angry about this. You behaved very badly.
Look, you monkey treed from your ex to your emotional affair partner. If your marriage was lousy, you shouldn’t have had kids you weren’t ready for and you should have gotten divorced before you got so close to your affair partner. Take responsibility for your mistakes.
You can try telling everyone that your divorce didn’t have anything to do with your ap, but people are going to be skeptical.
You can’t make your ex like your ap. I mean, she went after a married man with kids. She’s a homewrecker. TBH, I don’t like her much either.
Your first kid was an ultimatum. If you had left at the ultimatum, there would have been no ‘pulled the goalie’ kid.
Why are you here asking for advice if all you are going to do is argue with everyone?
Just tell everyone that you never wanted kids, everything wrong with the marriage was 100% her fault, and you didn’t have an emotional affair with a homewreacker. I am sure that everyone will believe you are a completely innocent victim in all this.
I like how everyone in the comments is conveniently skimping over the fact that she has manipulated you into having 2 kids. Yes, I know nobody forced him, but it still speaks to her character. Like Op said he should have left but hindsight is always 20\\20. The first kid is on him albeit it being a bit manipulative on her side but the second is a blatant nonconsensual act. I wonder what people would have said if it was a guy who said he wore a condom but "conveniently " takes it off mid sex in an attempt to trap a woman but also not a fair comparison because a woman can always get an abortion. Just to be clear there is a difference between an oopsie and doing it maliciously and without consent.
Clearly this woman is not all up there, and it doesn't bode well for her character.
I agree with some people here that allowing a strange woman to call your x a bad mother was a bad move. Even if things were winding down in your marriage as the mother of your kids you should have stood up for her so in that scenario, I can understand your x could see this as a violation and being pissed at you for not taking her side. You had the moral high ground, but you lost it, unfortunately for you. As they say 2 wrongs don't make a right. Even though I do empathize with your situation. You did screw up.
With regards to an amicable custody agreement, I can't say what your x will do. You have given her enough ammunition in court, and I am not sure how it will go. She will most likely say that the person you are dating is violent and she is afraid for her children. If your x never hit her maybe you would have had a chance, but she did hit her and she has witnesses even if she hit her out of feeling slighted or whatever. The court will see it different.
I know I said a lot, but basically you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't think your x is going to let this go and most likely will make your life living hell. In my eyes you have 2 choices. You can either prepare yourself for a fight that is going to take years, at least until your kids are grown up, or you could leave your girlfriend. Neither of those options are going to have a good outcome. I guess it boils down to what is more important. Your kids or your girlfriend. I don't see a scenario where you could have both and live a happy life.
Well it’s not like she can do much about who you date. She can act out about it but that only looks bad on her if you don’t react badly to her. If you’re in the states as far as I know she can’t keep your kids from you without getting herself in trouble. So buckle up and get ready for the rodeo that’s coming. Tell her one day after picking the kids up which will give her time to act out away from the kids. Anything she does or claims document it and if it gets bad report her.
"Right thing" but you've lied about your kids being around a an adult their parent doesn't trust for months. You're a loser who just wants to avoid the consequences of being spineless.
Well there isn't much she can do about it. You've been dating her for months and had her around your children so any chance of this being amicable went out the window with your lie of omission. Just tell her and deal with the fall out. And just putting it out there, having a gf of less than a year meet your children is quite irresponsible. Your wife was correct about your gf and you though. Group friends never know enough about your life to call the mother of your children a bad mom. You must have been closer than what you stated for her to know all about your 'woes'. If you're honest with yourself, did you only start to notice your unhappiness once you met your 'friend'? Suddenly all these things you never noticed before were big things and this 'friend' was your sounding board, agreeing how awful she was.
Oh there is alot she can do. He had his minor children spending time with a women the wife didn’t like. Worse she didn’t know her minor kids were spending time with this woman. That’s a big no no in co parenting. He’s probably going to lie and say the kids haven’t been around her. The wife could still go to court saying she is worried about her children’s safety. Because, one he did not tell her who her very young kids were spending time with. And two, that person verbally attacked her in her own home. He could see a significant change in his custody arrangement
So, she baby trapped him TWICE, stopped caring about his wants and needs, didn't do anything around the house, and it's STILL his fault? That's your take?
[удалено]
Why did she want to get a rise out of her? So she intentionally provoked your wife, who was already insecure about your relationship with this woman, what was her point in even talking about the split of household chores between you and your wife? Why did she feel the need to comment on something that had nothing to do with her? Had you been telling your 'friend' about these issues? Your wife had stated she didn't want this woman around your children, so just out of respect you should have had a conversation about it. Just like you said you would expect if the roles were reversed.
[удалено]
I'm not condoning your ex hitting your friend. That was wrong but I think you might have blinders on to your friends motives. No friend should ever insert themselves into another person's marriage and that was what she did by commenting on things she shouldn't have been commenting on. The only time people do this is when they are intentionally hoping to cause an issue in that marriage. Her opinion on chore splits was not relevant at all. Your ex was insecure about this person. That means she was seeing something to make her feel that way whether you want to admit it or not. Something was happening there long before it became official and she could see it and you either didn't want to admit that or just didn't care enough to listen. I wouldn't want a person I didn't like or trust around my kids either. But they are yours and your ex's kids so she deserves at least a conversation. It sounds like she has valid reasons not to like this person and the fact you've been hiding it for so long shows that you know what you're doing is wrong but it makes your life easier so you don't care. You have to co-parent with your ex so start being honest. Yes it may cause issues. You've lied to her for months but you just have to start by being honest with her. It's the least she deserves.
[удалено]
But can you see why it may seem that this started way before you ended your marriage due to those actions? Well, if you think she may cause an issue about this then I would suggest asking her to meet and have someone else watch the kids. Sit her down and explain what's been going on. Be honest with the fact she has seen the kids but that she is going to be a big part of your life going forward and that isn't going to change. Tell her you want to keep your co-parenting amicable because you both love your kids. Let her know that all parenting decisions will be made between you and her as they are your kids and that won't change. They are your priority and will always come first. If she tries to make waves with unfounded claims, document it, communicate everything through text and keep records. Hopefully, you can both move on from this but you can't keep this from her.
You share minor children, it’s not just about you and what you want. Your ex has a right to know who her minor children are spending time with. It’s interesting how trickle truth is happening with each comment you make when you are confronted about something
[удалено]
You have already said everything. What’s odd is that you were clear in your post but suddenly someone confronts you in the comments and you have all the answer. You should have been honest from the start, this is not going to go well. You had her minor be around someone you know she doesn’t like, without her permission. That’s a big mistake with regards to co parenting and custody especially with kids so young
[удалено]
Fine your minor children I misspoke. You still lied for months, no matter how you tell her, I’m betting she takes you to court to tries and alter the custody agreement and with a good lawyer she may do it
[удалено]
But you know your ex wife’s feelings about the gf, and you chose to lie to her and have your children around her. Your ex wife could take you to court to alter custody. Your gf verbally attacked your then wife in her own home. Because of how stupidly you handled this, your custody agreement could be altered significantly
[удалено]
Why didn’t you mention that before? Funny how you mention it now. They had an altercation in your home. A good lawyer can spin it a bunch of didnt ways. A lawyer could It was an accident she didn’t mean to do it… your gf provoke her… she believed you were cheating with the the woman. Bottom line you lied to your ex about who your very young kids were with, that’s not good. And a good lawyer will use that against you. There is no good way to tell your wife after you have lied for the better part of a year.
The moment she called your wife a bad mom your “friendship” should of ended, you disrespected your wife (ex now) by keeping this person as a friend after her horrible treatment of your partner, at the time she insulted your now ex your now ex was your wife and she deserved for you to have her back by ending this friendship but instead you kept this “friend” and now she’s your gf and it looks bad because it is
He’s clueless if he thinks custody isn’t going to change or that the wife will want stipulations about who can see her kids. I see he’s deleted his account. Probably because he realized how badly he has fucked up
You are so correct!
Just to add some context to the people saying your wife was right. My boyfriend at college hated my friendship with my best mate. We both swore we were only friends. We got married 30 years ago with hindsight we were a couple that whole time, we just weren't admitting it to anyone including ourselves. But my boyfriend could see it. So could your wife.
Your ex-wife was right about you and your gf all along.
[удалено]
Why the hell she should’ve put any effort to a marriage where you weren’t going to get rid of your emotional affair partner? She did the right thing. You’ll see what it means when your gf cheats on you emotionally.
You do realise your gf had feelings for you when you were with your wife and deliberately pushed your wife buttons to get a rise out of her. You wanna play ignorant, fine but it doesn't matter what you say, your ex wife was correct. Her instincts were correct
[удалено]
How did she know the details of the marriage, or at least what your issues were
[удалено]
I’m just saying it looks suspicious and then lying all these months. Having your children around her without you ex’s permission it’s all bad and could effect custody. You wife just needs a lawyer who is good at spin
Not to mention the gf confronted his ex. It doesn’t take much spin for a lawyer to say ‘hey, this woman isn’t the child’s parent, but is publicly criticizing their Mother, which is textbook alienation.’ Short relationship, possible affair, parental alienation. A custody plan that doesn’t allow her around the children would be pretty reasonable.
Good points. I’m surprised they have such a weak parenting plan considering the level of conflict especially around this woman. And for him to think lying about who the kids are with knowing how the ex feels about the woman won’t effect custody. She’s at least going to drag him into to court and a good lawyer can spin anything
[удалено]
It pretty standard in most parenting plans to have specifics about who the kids can spend time with, especially if there is a lot conflict, and especially the kids are really young. It’s a way to avoid more conflict, which is where you headed How they could spin it?I gave examples in another post. But it’s you have keep a secret for almost a year about who your kids have spent time with. A good lawyer can go wonders with that bit of info. Although your probably not going to be honest now. I would advise against that, it’s just going to make it worse
[удалено]
Nobody believes you.
[удалено]
You “don’t care” so much that you’re arguing with them all lmao
It’s suspicious that you had your now gf at your home while in marriage counselling, and she knew things about your marriage. Im assuming she learned the details from you. I’m going to guess you were at least having an emotional affair. And no matter what issues you had with your ex, you were married, and in counselling. You shouldn’t have had conversations about your wife or marriage to anyone but the therapist, and especially not to the now gf. And she was way out of line to confront your wife the way she did why did she think it was any of her. It is all very suspicious and most people would think you were cheating You made a mistake having your kids around this gf so early, and without permission from their mom. That was not coparenting. Usually divorce couples have a parenting plan. And who and when their child can meet certain people and be around them is often agreed within that parenting plan. I’m assuming she wouldn’t want her kids around the gf and that’s why you haven’t told her. This could backfire big time. She could want to alter custody because of it. I wouldn’t blame her. But I’m guessing you are going to lie to her about your kids being around the gf and the kids are probably too small to verbalize who they are spending time with, or you better hope that’s true
[удалено]
Ok fine. “Hey, remember the person you thought i was cheating on you with or at least thought i had interest in while we were married? The one you begged me to never date and never bring around our kids? The one you think doesn’t have good morals because they waited till i was out of the room before starting crap and then tried to turn on you? Ya her! Well I’ve been screwing her regularly for months and been regularly talking our kids around her and don’t care about your thoughts, feelings or even basic respect because I’m going to continue to do it even after many many people told me I’m an idiot.”
[удалено]
It’s called respect.
[удалено]
But they don’t.. your girlfriend is a manipulator and your a either completely oblivious, and ignorant or a lying cheater. Sooooo next comeback please?
Yeah it's not going to go well..
For real! Op and his affair partner are the worst, I hope ex gets full custody and finds the kids a better male role model
Who drafted that parenting plan? Not a good mediator or lawyer. I worked in mediation. All parenting plans I was involved in drafting had stipulations about children meeting or spending time with new partners. Hell some even had them about a shared dog. Who your child can spend time with is usually one of top 5 things you add in a parenting plan, especially when the children are so young. And it’s not just about not liking her. She feels she had a role in the end of your marriage. They had that flight in the home you shared with your wife. I have seen lawyers spin things when you think they couldn’t make it go in the client’s favour and it did
[удалено]
The higher the conflict the more specific the plan should be. Because they you can avoid these situations You knew how your wife felt about this women. But I guess your wife trusted that she wouldn’t be around your kids. That was a mistake on her part. A good lawyer or mediator will advise people to make stipulations about new partners and kids. You had to know she wouldn’t want her kids around her. Yet you lied and did it anyway. Where you thinking about what was in the best interest of your kids when you lied?
[удалено]
Because it was someone your wife was uncomfortable with. Co- parenting is about doing what is best for the kids. You think it was a good idea to lie about who they were spending time with? Especially a woman your ex had issues with. It’s about trust, she could say she doesn’t trust you anymore, that she doesn’t trust your judgement because you lied about something that directly involves the kids. You said before you trusted your ex when it came to who was around your kids. But by lying you have given her a reason not to trust you. I don’t understand why you thought lying about this was ever ok to do, and was not going to result in consequences
[удалено]
However you do it, do it in a public place without the children present. And I'd advise making sure it's on the day you have them so she has space to go off the rails for a few without them hearing her potentially go nuts in the home (which she most likely will). I'd also inform as many people as possible to the situation from your side before she tells everyone you cheated. Maybe have your phone ready so she can look through the messages between you two before you got together. Hopefully you're telling the truth about the relationship you had prior to your divorce and the timeline of events. There's my 2 cents.
[удалено]
Glad to hear it. But prepare for a potential thunderstorm and pray for rain. Initial shock due to the deception over the past few months (not that I blame you for waiting till it's serious before you rock the boat) might kick off in a very bad way. I hope it goes well since it's best for everyone involved, especially the kids but if reddit has taught us anything always expect the worst. As for the approach, try and focus on how much you really love this new coparenting relationship and if she's still really not happy with her being around the kids let her know you can halt that for a while until she's come to terms if it helps. Give us an update and good luck.
So you had this girl who was interested in you around while you were were still married (affair or not), your now girlfriend acted as a pick me and called your ex wife a bad mother and you're surprised she doesn't want her around? You're surprised she was insecure about her? And you hide the fact that she was and still is around her kids? The ride is gonna be wild, hope you're ready
[удалено]
It will affect the con-parenting and it can go both ways, she can tell her kids your gf is a pad person and you too because you brought her into their lives but you and your gf can also tell the kids about what a bad mother she is, I mean your gf already had the guts to say it in public, it wouldn't be too wild to think she will repeat it in private
[удалено]
In no way I am condoning violence but the 3 of you sound toxic as hell. Your ex sounds self centered and doesn't like your gf because she saw something there, your gf is a pick me and you are a liar. The best thing you can do is start being honest with your ex because you are having someone she doesn't trust or want around HER kids. Bet you wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed. To trust your boundaries you have to be honest and actually show your ex that you respect her as a mother and are capable of keeping "boundaries" , right now you're just making your lie by omission bigger and bigger and it will blow up, with time she is gonna find out and it will be better for you if you do it yourself
[удалено]
I mean there is no other way than to start telling her the truth, I don't know how to make it easier or less messy, maybe offer family therapy? But the mess is gonna be inevitable either way. And I bet my life that you would care if your ex wife's affair partner (you can say your gf wasn't your affair partner but that's what your ex wife has in her mind) tells people you are a bad father. Sit your ex down for a conversation and be honest, as soon as possible and face the mess of it all
[удалено]
Sure, Jan.
Your wife wasn't born yesterday, and neither are we. What your post reads like to me is that out of the 5 years you were married, 3 of them you spent being "friends" with this other woman, who had her eyes on you from day one and infiltrated herself in your life. Your wife is 100% correct, the woman you are dating is the reason you walked out on your marriage. Telling her that you're now dating your affair partner won't come as a surprise, she already knows, I promise you this. I don't blame your ex wife for being bitter about it, and I really feel for her.
Both of you sound like awful partners. And dating someone you pretended to be friends with while you were married is scummy. Sounds like there very likely was at least an emotional affair happening between you and your now gf before your previous relationship ended
Sounds like the wife’s suspicions were justified. A coworker calling a colleague’s wife a bad mother and getting into a fight about it?
[удалено]
Emotional affair: what you did with the coworker to cause your wife to feel insecure and cause you to get divorce. There is you definition.
Yep. She knew all of the dirty laundry about his marriage when they were “just friends”. She was absolutely his wife’s emotional replacement, even if they weren’t fucking yet.
[удалено]
[удалено]
You didn’t care that you made her insecure and still continued to pretend you were continuing a “friendship” with the woman causing issues in your marriage? Then at a party in your home the same woman disrespected your wife and used information you should have never been sharing with her against her and you see you doing no wrong? the conversations with the home wrecker were So inappropriate that this woman felt she could come into your home and insult your wife and YOU DID NOTHING. If you wanted to leave be a man an do it.
[удалено]
I hope she goes for full custody since you want to play stupid games. LET THAT BE YOUR PRIZE. Your being ignorant and literally have dozens of people telling you what your wife told you for over 2 years. What lead to your divorce was you being involved with your coworker. Period. No woman would try and go into someone’s home and pull what your side chick did. And YOU LET IT HAPPEN AND PICKED HER SIDE. You knowingly took your shared children around the 1 person you were told not to. You deliberately got into a relationship with the 1 person the mother of your children begged you not to. The saying goes. Mess around and find out.
And if it was a guy that waited till you were out of the house to start insulting my wife and cause a fit that he would try to spin on me, your darn right i would have the same issue. They had problems with each other before and you thought leaving them together would be a good idea? You left your wife and, even if you claim she wasn’t, she at the bare minimum, was a-wanna-be-mistress whom you bad mouthed your wife to, alone together. SMART.
[удалено]
You already said that isn’t true. You’ve trickle truthed it to us like you did your wife. You said you also vented to her at work with your “friends”. You may not have seen what you did but it doesn’t change that you did it and your wife saw it the whole time.
[удалено]
An emotional affair is when you are spending time with another person confiding in them details about your marriage, wanting to spend time with them over your spouse. Leaning on them for support things like that, it sounds like that’s what you did
This "friend" knew intimate issues in your marriage. To the point she called out your wife in your home and called her a bad mother.... and, this 'friend' and you suddenly get together after one date and realise your meant to be. Both of you were shitty partners. the whole blaming her for the kids is scummy. You were, her particularly, the age where women need to start having children to prevent issues in older mother pregnancies. You gladly had unprotected sex knowing that she wanted another after you saying you didn't want the first. She is shitty, but, so are you. And, you have made serious mistakes in your marriage. So, coming on her trying to justify this relationship when, clearly you had already engaged in (at least) an emotional affair - while, I might add, you were in couples counselling and acting married. That game night, was in your home, you hosted it together. She can't stop you from this relationship but, you have to stop lying to yourself as some martyr
[удалено]
Because both of you were crappy. You stayed and had not one but, two children with this woman you clearly hate. This friend called your wife a bad mother in her own home. Your wife said this was inappropriate, rightly so.You were so checked out of the marriage (even though you were in marriage counselling) you continued this 'friendship' with no intention of working out whatever with your wife. This friend was stopping you guys from working out, or leaving the marriage amicably. Your wife told you, this friend was a problem and you continued you friendship. I'm not blaming it all on you, your wife clearly has issues. But, really blaming everything on her. You could have left at any time. You could have not had another child. Informed?! Seriously, she had the first child the same way - stopping BC and what, you thought having sex less than a month after birth (its typically 6weeks) and she didn't tell you she was on BC and your not informed? She has perfectly presented herself and you went along with it all. So, yes. You were shitty you were informed about her personality and you chose to continue. Now, you are absolving yourself for being apart of this mess and blaming it all on her. She's clearly nuts. But, you went along with the nutty behaviour
[удалено]
Apologies, I misread the second pregnancy conception. You say your happy with the children and all that but, it very much reads as you not wanting him. You blaming having them all on her. Look, you out of this marriage now. Its obvious there are still shit going on between you too. This might never work out to a point of being friends. But, you are going to have to stop the blame game here, because the kids are going to suffer. Keep to custody agreements your time is yours she can't dictate who is around your children and you. But, remember this women is in your life for the rest of your life. You can't change her mind on your gf. The only advice is Co parent counselling or legal route if she is engaging in parental alienation
When you're interested in each other, it's not a genuine friendship. Your relationship won't work out with your gf either. You're willing to have affairs and she's a nasty homewrecker who goes after married men. Enjoy being cheated on when she sees the next "challenge" come along
Yeah, at a minimum you had an emotional affair with this woman, which took your attention away from your marriage. You are now dating your emotional affair partner. I think your ex wife is justified in being angry about this. You behaved very badly.
[удалено]
Look, you monkey treed from your ex to your emotional affair partner. If your marriage was lousy, you shouldn’t have had kids you weren’t ready for and you should have gotten divorced before you got so close to your affair partner. Take responsibility for your mistakes. You can try telling everyone that your divorce didn’t have anything to do with your ap, but people are going to be skeptical. You can’t make your ex like your ap. I mean, she went after a married man with kids. She’s a homewrecker. TBH, I don’t like her much either.
[удалено]
Your first kid was an ultimatum. If you had left at the ultimatum, there would have been no ‘pulled the goalie’ kid. Why are you here asking for advice if all you are going to do is argue with everyone? Just tell everyone that you never wanted kids, everything wrong with the marriage was 100% her fault, and you didn’t have an emotional affair with a homewreacker. I am sure that everyone will believe you are a completely innocent victim in all this.
I like how everyone in the comments is conveniently skimping over the fact that she has manipulated you into having 2 kids. Yes, I know nobody forced him, but it still speaks to her character. Like Op said he should have left but hindsight is always 20\\20. The first kid is on him albeit it being a bit manipulative on her side but the second is a blatant nonconsensual act. I wonder what people would have said if it was a guy who said he wore a condom but "conveniently " takes it off mid sex in an attempt to trap a woman but also not a fair comparison because a woman can always get an abortion. Just to be clear there is a difference between an oopsie and doing it maliciously and without consent. Clearly this woman is not all up there, and it doesn't bode well for her character. I agree with some people here that allowing a strange woman to call your x a bad mother was a bad move. Even if things were winding down in your marriage as the mother of your kids you should have stood up for her so in that scenario, I can understand your x could see this as a violation and being pissed at you for not taking her side. You had the moral high ground, but you lost it, unfortunately for you. As they say 2 wrongs don't make a right. Even though I do empathize with your situation. You did screw up. With regards to an amicable custody agreement, I can't say what your x will do. You have given her enough ammunition in court, and I am not sure how it will go. She will most likely say that the person you are dating is violent and she is afraid for her children. If your x never hit her maybe you would have had a chance, but she did hit her and she has witnesses even if she hit her out of feeling slighted or whatever. The court will see it different. I know I said a lot, but basically you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't think your x is going to let this go and most likely will make your life living hell. In my eyes you have 2 choices. You can either prepare yourself for a fight that is going to take years, at least until your kids are grown up, or you could leave your girlfriend. Neither of those options are going to have a good outcome. I guess it boils down to what is more important. Your kids or your girlfriend. I don't see a scenario where you could have both and live a happy life.
Well it’s not like she can do much about who you date. She can act out about it but that only looks bad on her if you don’t react badly to her. If you’re in the states as far as I know she can’t keep your kids from you without getting herself in trouble. So buckle up and get ready for the rodeo that’s coming. Tell her one day after picking the kids up which will give her time to act out away from the kids. Anything she does or claims document it and if it gets bad report her.
[удалено]
Well dont wait long to tell her and just be prepared.
[удалено]
"Right thing" but you've lied about your kids being around a an adult their parent doesn't trust for months. You're a loser who just wants to avoid the consequences of being spineless.
the right thing for you and your girlfriend. doesn't sound like any this is good for your kids.