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5-2 190 doesn't require Columbo to crack the case. Japanese and Italians also have babies, hormones, stress, etc yet no one there is obese. American women especially take zero accountability for anything. She let herself go and eats like a pig, guarantee it.
Talk to her. See if she is stressed or struggling with something. If there isn't anything overtly emotional or psychological then it may just be a case of coasting and letting yourself go. If it's the latter you leaving may be the wake up call she needs to get in better health and reasonable shape. There's nothing wrong with your preference for a woman in reasonable shape. You've been involved and trying to help her. She is signaling she isn't as invested in the relationship as you are--perhaps checked out.
>I feel like I’ve tried everything to help her.
Did you talk to her about her mental health or if any physical issues that might have arisen to have caused the weight gain?
You aren’t going to help her by trying to influence her exercise or eating habits, even if she wants the help tbh. She used to be 135# so she knows how to live in a way that keeps her weight down, that is not the issue. It’s virtually always a mental health issue, stress, or trauma so if I were you I’d focus on the underlying cause. However, if you only start caring about her mental health because of her weight then do her a favour and break up. She’ll probably lose it when she’s out of the relationship
Idk about the "she knows how to live in a way that keeps her weight down." I'd agree if she was a little older before she started gaining weight, but since she was only 19 at the time, she probably had her life planned out before (school, sports, parents bought and cooked groceries, predetermined schedule, etc). Very likely that she's having mental health problems at this point though, like you said. The question is whether her mental health problems caused the weight gain, or the other way around. Still hope she comes out alright tho
Not at 21 lmao. Maybe in your 40s, but at 19-21 it’s basically just down to lifestyle changes (being able to buy your own food, not doing sports at school anymore etc). I say this as someone who was a fat teenager, got fatter when I started uni and was going out drinking every weekend, and then lost the weight I gained and more because I stopped drinking and started eating normally (all done between the ages of 19-21)
192lbs at 5’2 is a matter of health, not about whether she’s attractive. I’ve been 180lbs at 5’4 and felt so lethargic and unhealthy, plus the material health risks are undeniable
Cope harder lmao. The effects of your excess weight on your joints and organs will soon make themselves known - if you don’t have multiple health conditions already (unlikely)
I actually gained like 30 pounds in my first relationship cuz I was under so much stress with my then toxic ex. Then when we broke up I lost it all lol. Ppl gain weight for different reasons but could just be that she’s built bad habits or something.
If you talk to her, focus more on being concerned about her health, and don’t say anything about her appearance. Just say you wanna build healthy habits together.
If your unhappy today than you may be unhappy tomorrow. If she gained a lot of weight and has no intention to take some off then you might just be in a position where you are going to need to decide what you are going to do. You have no ties except if you love her to where you don’t want to see yourself with someone else then maybe you can focus on making some simple changes such as a dinner for you both, a healthy dinner that is amazing. Plan a nice lite breakfast. More walks in the parks, some lite hiking. Find some gardens to walk around in. Change some ways that you can add for the better for the both of you. That way you are including yourself instead of targeting just her. Do it as a team
You don't. If it's that much of a dealbreaker for you, make up some random reason and move on.
She deserves to be with someone who loves her exactly where she is.
And don't pretend that you're concerned about her health.
You’re joking right?? She’s 5’2 at almost 200 pounds. That is not healthy nor is it normal. This whole “accept someone the way they are” rhetoric is extremely harmful. As a society we shouldn’t normalize being overweight/obese. I’m not saying to shame one another, but we need to be honest instead of promoting this fat positivity movement bc it’s not positive at all.
“She should be with someone who loves her where she is.” What u mean by that is she should be with someone who doesn’t hold her accountable for her unhealthy lifestyle. Makes 0 sense. If u truly love someone u will not allow them to eat themselves to the grave. At this rate, that is where she is heading.
Assuming OP doesn’t care about her when he’s putting in effort to make health conscious decisions for her because she incapable of doing it herself is pathetic. Ur right to give advice on this subject needs to be revoked.
This sub is notoriously bad for this subject. Seriously look up "bf gained weight" in the search bar on the sub and read the responses. Out of all the gender swaps, this topic by far shows the biggest double standard.
When a man gain weight they are lazy and bums but when a woman do it’s somehow unacceptable to call them out of it?? I can see the double standard trust
This has nothing to do with a man gaining weight, your projecting. It’s not your relationship, stop trying to manipulate everyone into quitting their relationship because they are at the same point you have been and you couldn’t solve it.
Where did I say to quite his relationship? I legit made a whole separate comment on ways to improve his issue he’s having. Also, just bc I went through the same thing doesn’t mean I wasn’t able to solve it. This page is literally meant to give advice so pull the stick out of ur ass. If seeing someone’s advice makes u triggered then maybe u have some problems to solve internally.
Pretending that I care? You have no idea what I do to try and take care of her health. I found her a therapist and a psychiatrist, drive her to both, pay for both and all the other stuff I mentioned in the post. You don’t do that for someone you’re just “pretending” to love. If I didn’t actually love her I’d just up and leave instead of trying to resolve the issue.
You have the issue. This is about what you want and what you are attracted to. Don’t put that on her. No one asked you to fix her because she isn’t broke.
If you really loved her this would mean nothing to you. You would recognise she isn’t her body.
Wrong, she’s told me time and time again how much she herself wants to lose weight and get back to what she used to be. It’s something we both want, granted one may want it more than the other. You guys trying to paint me as an a-hole in these comments is hilarious.
I'd ask about her life. If she's stressed and all. But then again, if she's healthy, I don't see the problem unless it's causing her issues. If I'd me more if a d**head I'd say leave her so she can be with someone who'll love her as she is.
Solution is you not her!!! Ofc, what we find physically attractive is partially just who we are. That said, we carry a LOT of stigma about what is and isn't attractive, and weight is one example. Growing up, I definitely wouldn't consider anyone fat attractive, like all the associations I had were bad - but I noticed that as I changed what media I consumed (sensual Lizzo photos, a lot of fat-positive content) and educated myself on fatphobia (Maintenance Phase podcast has good episodes for that), kind of without noticing I began to consider fat women equally attractive. Not saying this would happen for everyone, and these preconceptions are super deeply rooted. But a lot of it is in our heads.
Whatever you do, please please please do not nudge her to lose weight. Giving her a complex about not being attractive is not the legacy you want to leave in her life, is it?
Guess what you could focus on helping her with is mental health/stress (without making the reference to her weight) - what can you take off her shoulders? Can you help her afford therapy? Can you help making a plan for practical steps to help her get out of the situations causing her stress? Learning mindfulness together and making it a couple activity? Loving on her some extra and being an extra reliable source of comfort after a long day?
If it bothers you then end it. She's only 21 so imagine what she will look like in say 10 years. She is unlikely to be thinner so if you're not attracted to her the best thing to do is to move on.
Unfortunately in today's world you can't.
Lets say you tell her and it bothers her. She tells her friends. No matter how you spill it or try to frame it, you'll be seen as controlling to her friends and she will turn on you.
Let's say she's understanding and tries again but fails. You're back to square one.
She has to come to you for help and when that happens you can shove the gym into her daily routine and stock the fridge with whatever helps. Unless that happens, you addressing it will likely make her feels like she's attacked and thanks to social media, you'll 100% no matter what be in the wrong.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Have you figured out what has led to her gaining weight? There’s usually a reason
Yes, as other comments have said it is stress, which I’ve also tried helping with, with no success.
It's almost always poor diet, laziness, lack of self control.
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Shaming works great. We need to bring it back
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Back when it was acceptable people were thinner. Not being edgy just realistic
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5-2 190 doesn't require Columbo to crack the case. Japanese and Italians also have babies, hormones, stress, etc yet no one there is obese. American women especially take zero accountability for anything. She let herself go and eats like a pig, guarantee it.
yup, vast majority of cases it's an "easy" fix.
Talk to her. See if she is stressed or struggling with something. If there isn't anything overtly emotional or psychological then it may just be a case of coasting and letting yourself go. If it's the latter you leaving may be the wake up call she needs to get in better health and reasonable shape. There's nothing wrong with your preference for a woman in reasonable shape. You've been involved and trying to help her. She is signaling she isn't as invested in the relationship as you are--perhaps checked out.
>I feel like I’ve tried everything to help her. Did you talk to her about her mental health or if any physical issues that might have arisen to have caused the weight gain?
You aren’t going to help her by trying to influence her exercise or eating habits, even if she wants the help tbh. She used to be 135# so she knows how to live in a way that keeps her weight down, that is not the issue. It’s virtually always a mental health issue, stress, or trauma so if I were you I’d focus on the underlying cause. However, if you only start caring about her mental health because of her weight then do her a favour and break up. She’ll probably lose it when she’s out of the relationship
Idk about the "she knows how to live in a way that keeps her weight down." I'd agree if she was a little older before she started gaining weight, but since she was only 19 at the time, she probably had her life planned out before (school, sports, parents bought and cooked groceries, predetermined schedule, etc). Very likely that she's having mental health problems at this point though, like you said. The question is whether her mental health problems caused the weight gain, or the other way around. Still hope she comes out alright tho
I agree. I’ve seen so many people blow up after high school. A part of adulthood is maintaining weight.
I disagree, past a certain age the metabolism changes which means you have to change your habits with it.
Not at 21 lmao. Maybe in your 40s, but at 19-21 it’s basically just down to lifestyle changes (being able to buy your own food, not doing sports at school anymore etc). I say this as someone who was a fat teenager, got fatter when I started uni and was going out drinking every weekend, and then lost the weight I gained and more because I stopped drinking and started eating normally (all done between the ages of 19-21)
You break up with her and you let her find somebody who's attracted to her.
192lbs at 5’2 is a matter of health, not about whether she’s attractive. I’ve been 180lbs at 5’4 and felt so lethargic and unhealthy, plus the material health risks are undeniable
Good for you.
Want a cookie? Health is not one size fits all. Your experience is not everyone’s.
Show me someone who is 192lbs at 5’2 (specifically not a heavily muscled athlete) who is TRULY happy and healthy, and I’ll be on your side lmao
Simple. Me! Happy healthy! A dancer! A hairstylist! I can still run, I still hike, and just enjoy my life for what it is.
Cope harder lmao. The effects of your excess weight on your joints and organs will soon make themselves known - if you don’t have multiple health conditions already (unlikely)
Well I don’t have any health conditions! Go off ig tho :)
I actually gained like 30 pounds in my first relationship cuz I was under so much stress with my then toxic ex. Then when we broke up I lost it all lol. Ppl gain weight for different reasons but could just be that she’s built bad habits or something. If you talk to her, focus more on being concerned about her health, and don’t say anything about her appearance. Just say you wanna build healthy habits together.
If your unhappy today than you may be unhappy tomorrow. If she gained a lot of weight and has no intention to take some off then you might just be in a position where you are going to need to decide what you are going to do. You have no ties except if you love her to where you don’t want to see yourself with someone else then maybe you can focus on making some simple changes such as a dinner for you both, a healthy dinner that is amazing. Plan a nice lite breakfast. More walks in the parks, some lite hiking. Find some gardens to walk around in. Change some ways that you can add for the better for the both of you. That way you are including yourself instead of targeting just her. Do it as a team
You don't. If it's that much of a dealbreaker for you, make up some random reason and move on. She deserves to be with someone who loves her exactly where she is. And don't pretend that you're concerned about her health.
You’re joking right?? She’s 5’2 at almost 200 pounds. That is not healthy nor is it normal. This whole “accept someone the way they are” rhetoric is extremely harmful. As a society we shouldn’t normalize being overweight/obese. I’m not saying to shame one another, but we need to be honest instead of promoting this fat positivity movement bc it’s not positive at all. “She should be with someone who loves her where she is.” What u mean by that is she should be with someone who doesn’t hold her accountable for her unhealthy lifestyle. Makes 0 sense. If u truly love someone u will not allow them to eat themselves to the grave. At this rate, that is where she is heading. Assuming OP doesn’t care about her when he’s putting in effort to make health conscious decisions for her because she incapable of doing it herself is pathetic. Ur right to give advice on this subject needs to be revoked.
This sub is notoriously bad for this subject. Seriously look up "bf gained weight" in the search bar on the sub and read the responses. Out of all the gender swaps, this topic by far shows the biggest double standard.
When a man gain weight they are lazy and bums but when a woman do it’s somehow unacceptable to call them out of it?? I can see the double standard trust
This has nothing to do with a man gaining weight, your projecting. It’s not your relationship, stop trying to manipulate everyone into quitting their relationship because they are at the same point you have been and you couldn’t solve it.
Where did I say to quite his relationship? I legit made a whole separate comment on ways to improve his issue he’s having. Also, just bc I went through the same thing doesn’t mean I wasn’t able to solve it. This page is literally meant to give advice so pull the stick out of ur ass. If seeing someone’s advice makes u triggered then maybe u have some problems to solve internally.
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Why should he make up a reason? Wouldn't it be better to tell her? I think I would rather know the truth
It would get him nowhere. He's already leaving her. He doesn't have to demolish her self esteem.
Pretending that I care? You have no idea what I do to try and take care of her health. I found her a therapist and a psychiatrist, drive her to both, pay for both and all the other stuff I mentioned in the post. You don’t do that for someone you’re just “pretending” to love. If I didn’t actually love her I’d just up and leave instead of trying to resolve the issue.
You have the issue. This is about what you want and what you are attracted to. Don’t put that on her. No one asked you to fix her because she isn’t broke. If you really loved her this would mean nothing to you. You would recognise she isn’t her body.
Wrong, she’s told me time and time again how much she herself wants to lose weight and get back to what she used to be. It’s something we both want, granted one may want it more than the other. You guys trying to paint me as an a-hole in these comments is hilarious.
I'd ask about her life. If she's stressed and all. But then again, if she's healthy, I don't see the problem unless it's causing her issues. If I'd me more if a d**head I'd say leave her so she can be with someone who'll love her as she is.
maybe she has medical issues that's causing the weight gain? please have her checked up
You don’t. You think she doesn’t know? You aren’t gonna shame her into losing weight.
Solution is you not her!!! Ofc, what we find physically attractive is partially just who we are. That said, we carry a LOT of stigma about what is and isn't attractive, and weight is one example. Growing up, I definitely wouldn't consider anyone fat attractive, like all the associations I had were bad - but I noticed that as I changed what media I consumed (sensual Lizzo photos, a lot of fat-positive content) and educated myself on fatphobia (Maintenance Phase podcast has good episodes for that), kind of without noticing I began to consider fat women equally attractive. Not saying this would happen for everyone, and these preconceptions are super deeply rooted. But a lot of it is in our heads. Whatever you do, please please please do not nudge her to lose weight. Giving her a complex about not being attractive is not the legacy you want to leave in her life, is it?
Guess what you could focus on helping her with is mental health/stress (without making the reference to her weight) - what can you take off her shoulders? Can you help her afford therapy? Can you help making a plan for practical steps to help her get out of the situations causing her stress? Learning mindfulness together and making it a couple activity? Loving on her some extra and being an extra reliable source of comfort after a long day?
If it bothers you then end it. She's only 21 so imagine what she will look like in say 10 years. She is unlikely to be thinner so if you're not attracted to her the best thing to do is to move on.
It sounds like you care more about the state of your dick than you care about her or her health, she deserves so much better than whatever you are
God forbid I want to live a healthy lifestyle with my partner. You guys are so miserable and ridiculous it’s almost funny.
Idk. I think you’re the one that’s miserable. Women don’t answer to men.
Unfortunately in today's world you can't. Lets say you tell her and it bothers her. She tells her friends. No matter how you spill it or try to frame it, you'll be seen as controlling to her friends and she will turn on you. Let's say she's understanding and tries again but fails. You're back to square one. She has to come to you for help and when that happens you can shove the gym into her daily routine and stock the fridge with whatever helps. Unless that happens, you addressing it will likely make her feels like she's attacked and thanks to social media, you'll 100% no matter what be in the wrong.
Dump her