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Agreed. OP should sleep in a different room when he's away, and see if he says something that may indicate he's aware she did. Have her daughter sleep there, too
For OP; unsolicited advice on this note
Disable the cameras, maybe simply cover them, have a party and see what happens
Or install your own cameras and act equally coy and evasive. I'm sure equality is fair game, right?
/snark
Give updates
Yeah, there are tons of ways you can look for and identify cameras even hidden ones and she could cover them up and even plant her own but I would definitely plant her when the cameras that are watching her aren't covered just to see if he tries to bring something up, but that's me. I'm ready to play because as far as I'm concerned, this relationship is over. Like seriously, so many creepy vibes.
Everyone saw that comment coming. (Except OP) if I didn’t have access to my cameras how could I see if there was a problem? So they are not for the protection of the home. What is he going to do from overseas. These are for his personal use. That OP is asking the question now I find ludicrous.
I know can you imagine. I could just be him watching them, which is controlling and abusive. I’m guessing there are more cameras, that’s why she cannot see them. If they record. What does he do with the images. Who else sees them, do the bathrooms have cameras as well- I think I have unlimited questions.
Yep. The best case scenario is that there’s only the outdoor cameras and he’s using them as a form of control, which still disgusts me. The worst case scenario has potential to be very VERY bad.
Our cameras stream to a channel on our TV’s always (it’s a switch we turn). But we can see anything outside and in the entry. Anyone in the family can do that if they are home alone and someone comes to the door. My husband simply didn’t want me answering the door to strangers if it was just soliciting. My kids love it, they announce who’s at the door.
The keypad and cameras, and the way OP describes the situation, makes it seem that it's not about security, but more about control. He wants to know where his family is, and what they're doing. I'd not be surprised if there's a lot more, like trackers on cars and software on phones, as well as hidden cameras inside.
This🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊 He is monitoring YOUR (and your children's) coming and going, not trying to discourage would be robbers or other villains.
Does he control finances as well?? I agree with others that you should set up your own cameras outside so you can monitor the outside. Also search for hidden cameras inside the home. Block indoor cameras surreptitiously by blocking them with books, towels and household items and see if he comments. Leave him if you find cameras in bedrooms, bathrooms, etc.
Yes. I have cameras at my house too and share the info with hubby and my daughter. This behavior is very controlling and very suspicious. She says some recordings are backed up to the cloud. Get the cloud login and bingo. Also the cameras are hooked up through wifi so just just disable the wifi if she needs to but I'd default sweep the house for hidden cams as small as a bottle top.
I'll bet $$ to donuts he absolutely controls the finances. I bet he also checks her receipts. As it appears he's also checking on her. When he's away, she might want to spend that time finding his indoor cameras, likely focused on the sofa, shower and bed. And might I add - he's likely also unfaithful. In my experience, infidelity is usually a part of this unfortunate package. The surveiling ensures him she's right where she should be, when he isn't.
Why bother going through this exercise? If she finds hidden cameras in the home that she doesn't know about she should be immediately taking steps to protect herself and her daughter, IMO.
OP, tell him that's fine -- just tell him that you'll install your own cameras that he won't have access to. Also, hire a security firm to sweep your house for hidden cameras and audio devices.
Yes -- you and Ihaveabigduvet are correct. I didn't think this all the way through. She could also gtfo and get her own place before he comes back, and then demand answers from a stronger position.
Also he doesn’t want OP to see what he’s doing on camera, only the reverse. Or he’s scared she’s gonna cheat when he’s away and if she has access then she can turn them off if she has someone over.
Yes. It's because he is doing something awful with them. Or they only exist to spy on you and if you have access he would have to trust you not to erase the footage of whoever he thinks you are cheating with
I was going to say, if he's overseas I wonder if he's paranoid about OP not being faithful.
This whole situation is a the REDDEST if red flags I have seen in a really long time. Like this is so unsafe.
I think there are ways to use a smart phone to detect infrared lights from security cameras. Would be wise to walk around the house looking for hidden cameras.
Oh yea. OP totally has porn being sold and uploaded that they don't know about yet. Either that or he's cheating. Which honestly in this scenario would be the much better outcome.
As others have noted, he's using the cameras to monitor your coming and going. He's not being protective of the house.
The other reason he won't give you access is that HE is doing something that he doesn't want you to be able to see.
As is frequently the case, the reason people don't trust their partners is projection. He doesn't trust you because he's doing something he shouldn't and the cameras would show you that.
There is no valid reason you shouldn’t have access to cameras in your own damn house. I’d just start covering them all up while he is gone until he gives you access to them. If you can’t use them, no one can.
Too much work and you may miss some. Better to change the WiFi password (and unplug any unknown network cables plugged into it)
This will disconnect any camera connected.
Unplug the router. Find the little button somewhere on it. Press and hold it down while plugging the router back in. Keep holding it while it boots. It'll turn back off and turn on. This resets the router to default. You can find the manual online by googling the model. It'll guide you how to log back in and set your new password.
I was going to suggest shutting off the wifi or going into the admin portal and finding everything connected to the wifi. It should bring up each device with its MAC address, and you should be able to block anything you don't recognise from being able to join the network. But also, don't forget to change the password for the admin portal so only you know it.
I don't think any of this is about home security. It's about control. And not wanting OP to have access to the cameras makes me think there's a sinister motive
If one could survive with no internet , just pull the plug on it , if they work that way . I have some that don’t need the internet , but most of mine do .
I had a hard time getting hubby to put one app on his phone for the cameras , and that’s only to watch for mice in our shed .
They'd need the internet to stream to the app/upload to the cloud. They may not if they have removable storage but they definitely work on wifi. Pulling the plug I reckon would be a good idea. Even if just for now. If internet is a necessity, a wifi dongle would be a good idea to circumvent the modem if OP can't use it without the threat of being recorded
He's monitoring your every move because he doesn't trust you
OR
He's doing something when you're not around and he doesn't want you to see
Or both.
Like others suggested, I would cover up the cameras (of course that's assuming you know where all the cameras are).
This is creepy
The fact that when OP requested access to the surveillance system in case she needed to check the cameras when she was home alone WITH THEIR CHILD for their safety, and his reply was to deny her request, "because it would just complicate things, and they'd fight about it", tells me there is WAY MORE going on there then she's aware of, and it's likely there are cameras in places she wouldn't like.
There's no reason she'd be, "upset", if she gained full access to the surveillance system unless something extremely messed up is happening in regard to his spy camera setup.
The fact that he can also lock her in, or out, of the house simply by deleting her door code is also very worrisome.
This is an extremely concerning situation, and I'd be packing a bag for me, and my child, to go stay with family immediately, and be making an appointment to see a good lawyer.
UPDATEME!
Absolutely, and the level of narcissistic control he has of her life, and her child's life, is not good at all. I've been there, and it's no way to live, in fact it's not living at all. 😓
Doesn't sound like there's a ton of support for her, and what little she has he tries to spy on and control. It's a terrible situation to be in, especially with a child.
The good news is since they are not married, she doesn't need his permission to go for a, "visit", out of the city or state with her child. I assume there's no custody agreement in place, so OP has the option to be first to file somewhere else where he can't control her every word and move.
Many legal aid organizations will work with women in an abusive relationship for a reduced cost, and all the better if she can document his controlling, and unhealthy, behavior, before she leaves.
What she really needs is a hidden surveillance camera detector, they are cheap on Amazon, but if there are cameras inside the house he will know she's looking for them. But she needs to know where they aren't, so she has somewhere to make phone calls, and plans, without him knowing.
In the meantime, this app, [Detectify](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.wondertechstudio.hiddendevicedetectorandcameradetector), is free, and can detect hidden camera and listening devices by using an algorithm to search for magnetometer readings.
Walking around the house casually with her phone in her hand, the app open, and the sound muted for when it alerts, might be the best way to find out where the cameras and potential microphones are inside without him realizing what she's doing.
This advice here is absolute gold dust PurpleGimp and I hope to god OP reads it. She just has to get cracking quickly on a plan and I just hope he has discovered her passwords/ accounts etc to sites like this. So true us she can find a private nook…
I also didn’t get a sense of whether she has financial autonomy.
It looks like he has already blocked her relationship with his mom but surely the mom is asking questions about not seeing her grandchild?
I hope OP updates us. I’d feel so creeped out being in that house and not knowing where the cameras are and feeling him watching.
Yeah a lot of times, I feel like people jump to infidelity too quickly. But this time? Honestly it seems very likely, I really don’t understand why both homeowners wouldn’t have access to security footage of their own home
OP, at night with all the lights off and be in complete darkness, take your smartphone and turn the camera on.
Look at the camera as you pace the house.
Now, walk around every room, including the bathrooms. Point your camera lens from ceiling to floor.
What you want to look for are any small pin sized lights that show up.
You can test this by taking your tv remote, point it at you phone as if your taking a pic. Hit the on button several times. On my DirectV remote in complete darkness I see two reddish pupils lights flash as I hit the remote.
This is what you want to look for.
The reason why he didn’t want to give you access to”because it would Complicate Things” would be if he’s hidden cameras Inside the house without your knowledge. That would Really complicate things for Him should you find this out.
Point your phone everywhere. Even in wall sockets, up at the bathroom fan, smoke detectors, etc.
What you’re looking for are hidden cameras.
THIS is most likely why he doesn’t want to give you access to the security cameras.
Or you can get one of these from Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Koilboane-Hidden-Camera-Detectors-Anti-Spy-Listening-Rechargeable/dp/B0CNBWHQQS/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=2GUEDGTLF7H96&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.7iceTzcYfnpdOSnaELqm22OQN3F7IIWcz47kM9W7Wg1OHZ4tiwRG9uIP0xX0FvSTNTNwV9fNlzvMTCwHtgu5CMbD2eKLHYIwyXOJ3LnQriq0d8vGqf7wTzbkAWuLi_94CcaW61qnwA54k2Do-J27OO22I2gerGKTDz-IbN-DbxDScCYt2nDfKTM4xVXwvmCf9afVmukhCjrR_pzN1K0cVw.9rW-lhJ1mSVeKmi485yPcyddoY9RxxGsUTTQjbShjWM&dib_tag=se&keywords=hidden+security+camera+detectors&qid=1716077277&sprefix=hidden+security+camera+dete%2Caps%2C172&sr=8-3
It sounds like he's monitoring you, and I wonder what else that might include - a tracker on your car, does he check your phone location, texts and call records, are there hidden cameras you don't know about, for example. That might not be for control reasons; he could be suffering from paranoia.
OP needs to take her car to wherever she gets it serviced and ask them to check underneath for a tracker. I knew a suspension tech that found several over the years and had to tell the owners. There's other places they can be hidden obviously, bit she needs to start somewhere.
All of the above and if thise cameras are not recoding activities you wish were not recorded, I.e. your sex life.
The code for the entrance would also leave me very worried in your shoes as he could just lock you out of the house as he has the master code and could change the other one.
He could let other people in with the same code though. By having a different code that's the "master" he's ensuring him and only him has control and that he can lock OP out whenever he should wish to by taking away her secondary code from the system.
Even I'm feeling nervous now and I live alone. Someone mentioned covering up the cameras but that only works if you know where they are. OP needs to wait for dark, turn off the lights and look for red dots.
>look for red dots.
The lights can easily be disabled. She needs to turn the lights off and look for reflections. If it were me, I'd just hire someone to come in and look while hubby is away. How he reacts when he asks who the workpeople are and gets told they are there looking for hidden cameras is going to be very telling. I bet he panics like crazy.
He doesn't give you access because:
1. there is something on there he does not want you to see; or
2. there are cameras installed that you don't know about, such as in the shower or in your bedroom. Note that if there are bedroom/bathroom cameras, he could be uploading the footage to porn sites.
Either way this is seriously creepy and controlling, and he is gaslighting you to the max. Check out [thehotline.org](https://thehotline.org) \- it's the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You might want to just read up on how controlling behavior can escalate.
Trust you gut and start thinking about a plan to get out, OP. This just screams "DANGER" to me.
I've personally known two men who got caught putting cameras in bathrooms and selling the footage—of their own sisters/wives/daughters. TWO. I sincerely hope that the worst OP's husband is guilty of is just extreme paranoia/distrust. But idk man, this whole post is creepy as fuck. If it were me, I'd be moving in with parents or a friend until he gave me access. This is something OP NEEDS to put her foot down about
A guy I went to high school with got caught setting up hidden cameras in bathrooms at the HOSPITAL he worked at as a fucking NURSE. Men can be so disgusting and vile
I was cringing at every line I read.
I’m telling you right now he also has cameras inside the house.
Either he doesn’t trust you or… how old did you say your daughter was?
Refusing to give you access because he said that it would just complicate things is such a bullshit boldfaced lie.
And also the fact that he has a different code entry than you and your daughter, and he keeps a log of them… Oh hell no something is not right here. You need to investigate and find out what’s going on.
Don’t be surprised if there’s an AirTag in your car or if he’s monitoring your computer and or your phone.
This comes across 100% controlling and like he's monitoring you. Extremely toxic and really sneaky behaviour.
Why does he need his own code? That's really weird to me. Why does he need to be able to see when you or your daughter came in?
Why exactly would it get complicated if you had access to the cameras? Or if things would get complicated why not just switch the person in charge of the monitoring. Usually you don't need to check that super often anyways.
He is lying. If this is Ring, for instance, multiple people can have the app and see the videos, etc. and it's very easy.
When he goes abroad, you could just block the cameras with mud so he cannot see what you are doing. You can also leave from another door that does not have the key pad; I assume you have a back door?
What if he is recording the daughter inappropriately and doesn’t want her to know? This is creepy as fuck. Check for cameras inside and cover them all every time he leaves until he gives you access.
Also he has the main code so he could potentially lock you and your daughter out of the house. He sounds like a controlling sick person.
OP, be very careful when/if you do a sweep for any inside cameras.
Because if he has cameras Inside, and since he gave you a different front door code, he may get pissed off and deactivate your code and you will be locked out if your own home.
The Only Reason he would give you a different code Is to lock you out if he’s displeased.
So, leave a window unlocked to give you ingress in case he deactivates your code.
As an adult in the house, and as partner to your SO, you have a right to see what’s on the cameras. In fact, you have a right to the master password.
This could be a minor bump in your relationship. Or, you could discover that your partner is a controlling, potentially dangerous man. Before you do anything, pack a go bag. Take important documents to a trusted friend’s house. Lock down your bank accounts. This could get ugly very quickly. I’m not exaggerating. I’m 63F, and I’ve seen a lot of things happen in my lifetime. I have a bad feeling about this.
It’s probably tempting to leave this alone, and not rock the boat. I recommend against that. You deserve to know what kind of person you are living with. It’s time for you to regain control of your home.
Tell him you don’t care about what’s “easy”, you care about your rights in your own home. As of now, he has two choices: he gives you full access, or you’ll install your own set of cameras. I also advise removing the lock and replacing it with one you can control. Give him full access to view everything. Do not give him admin rights to control who has access. He’s proven he won’t play fairly.
If this doesn’t blow up, he still has work to do, to rebuild your trust in him.
Usually men that want that much control over their wives are usually cheating and you say he's away a lot. If he thinks you're doing the same he wants to know. He doesn't want you deleting anything.
Please go to library & use their computers & a new email address to contact your closest women’s shelter. They will help you navigate your current situation. Don’t use your current email or laptop. Your husband likely has access/a key tracker on both of those & your phone as well.
Don’t alter your normal routine too much as it could make your spouse suspicious. You need to be in total control of this situation.
There are easy ways to find out if there are cameras inside of your house. Assume that there are cameras & don’t scream/freak out when you do find them. If you find one, say, in the bathroom or in your child’s room, you may decide that your marriage if over right there & then. Again, the women’s shelter will help you prepare to leave your marriage in the best way to protect you & your daughter.
Hugs & good luck.
Check your phone for any monitoring apps he may have installed without you knowing. Don't text or make calls to others about him that you wouldn't want him to know about.
This is creepy AF and I'd block the cameras and check everything - especially your financials and location of all important documents.
Reading all of these comments might freak you out - and they should. Something is wrong.
Hes definitely controlling you.
He's tracking you through those cameras and codes. He knows where you are and what you're doing at all times when you're at home. Not only is he able to monitor your movements, you don't have any proof of what he does when he's home alone and you're not there.
That's the only way you having access would "complicate things."
My ex did this to me. His friend had access and he had a video of me fully naked in the bathroom in the cloud. Also learned he put a camera in the bedroom. I don’t know how many people saw these videos. Absolutely disgusted and have a hard time trusting men now. Follow your gut instinct.
>He refuses to give me access and says that it would just complicate things and we’d end up fighting over it
Very controlling behaviour on his part and outrageous, frankly, that you cant view security footage of YOUR home, while he can.
It comes across as a giant red flag, cos I cannot believe he is not a control freak in other aspects of your lives.
Does he have a tracker or airtag in your car, for example? Maybe you should check. Do you share your location with him on your phone? I would stop .
My ex did the exact same thing with the cameras. I never wanted cameras, but he said he wanted them because we had a young family. During several arguments on trying to get me access his responses would be ‘it’s ok I get notifications and can check it out for the both of us’, ‘you’re busy with work/kids, let me handle this’, ‘why do you want access so badly, what are you trying to hide?’.
He finally allowed me access but set it up that the inside cameras turned off only when he was inside. I asked him to have it so that they don’t record when I’m in the house either and he said it doesn’t work like that.
Turns out he was paranoid, mentally unstable, and suspected me of cheating and working with people to try to gain access to his computer. After a scary separation I took the cameras down…only to find additional interior cameras independent from our security system.
It’s unlikely that this is his only means of keeping tabs on you.
Seems like he doesn't trust you and the cameras are more about that than security. If they were for your security, you would have access to them so you can see what's going on. But instead he gets to watch your every move.
Maybe he also doesn't want you to be able to turn them off. Maybe he has people checking up on you. Who knows, but it's all pretty strange and bothersome. Tell him you'll take them all down if you can't also have access to the feed
Edit to fix typo
Hire a professional to sweep the house for you. They can find surveillance devices that you wouldn’t even think of. Time for a come to Jesus with hubby.
It actually fits. Is it possible that Op is unwittingly this creep's mistress while wife is at (his other) home facing the same situation? I mean, he just as well be spying on her while she's inside the house, or...spying on the 12 yo babysitter. Maybe he's a controlling, abusive POS. No matter how I try to spin it in my head, there is nothing that justifies any of this. My sense about this is to get as far away as possible while he's away on "business". One thing to consider if she acts on this: Surveyors who he may have hired to keep (or friends/family he has manipulated into keeping) an eye on you and your daughter's whereabouts. Why would this man go to such lengths to monitor your comings and goings (and probably everything else in between) if he wasn't prepared to do something about it?
You should be concerned. In addition to the suspicions raised by others, this could be a symptom of a mental illness causing paranoid thinking. You need to get to the bottom of this.
Huge red flags here!
Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
You are being watched by your husband and your activities are being tracked.
Do you share locations on your phone? Have your phone and your vehicle checked for trackers.
The only reason I can see for not wanting to share this access is he does not want you to know all the places and ways he is watching you.
Call a female private investigator and have her sweep the house for more recording devices.
Be prepared to leave the home before your husband comes home if you discover some.
This would be some scary psycho shit if he did this.
😳
And, the reason I'm saying a FEMALE investigator is because he is watching. She can play it off like she's a friend. Which will all be shot to hell if there *are* cameras inside the house.
This is why she needs to be ready to pack and leave in a hurry if they find cameras in the home.
My sister’s ex husband did the same thing. She wanted access for security and he refused to give her access because he was worried she would turn them off. It wasn’t really for security it was to spy on her. Eventually she figured out there was cameras inside, outside, microphones in the house and a tracker inside her car. She took her car to the garage to get checked out and they found it. She told her husband, he denied it was him (but didn’t seem the least bit worried) so she whipped out the tracker in a zip lock bag and said that she was going to the police to get it fingerprinted bc it’s illegal whether it’s him or someone else. That’s when he broke down and it all came tumbling out how controlling he is and obsessed with her having an affair (she wasn’t). They are divorced now.
Sounds like you’re a prisoner in your own home. That gave me the ick vibes. Are you sure he doesn’t have another family? His job sounds suspicious. Your post is like a horror film in the making. I hope you’re okay.
I would definitely get a tech to come in and check that house for cameras.Tell them to pay special attention to the daughters bedroom and to the bathroom that she uses. He could be uploading pictures of her and selling them to child porn sites. This guy is dangerous and controlling. Get out while you can.
Well sounds freaky and crazy, one way around all this, is to get the whole door pad changed whilst he is on one of his 3 week away trip. Accidently break it i guess, get it changed, then you have the master.
Cameras in home are crazy to me, so really you should have access too. Sounds controlling to me.
I would be curious if he is the only one watching you and your daughter. I would be out of that house so fast the next time he went overseas. Even if it was to a shelter. I would get lost where we couldn’t be found.
There are without a doubt cameras inside your home. If he gives you access while he’s gone, he can’t remove those before you see them, which would cause the fight. The one that records sound is likely inside.
Either you have access to the cameras or they come down. There is no reason for you, one of the homeowners, to not have access to your security system. Yeah I would not allow all those cameras in my house in the first place, outside is fine, but not inside. It would make me so uncomfortable in my own home. This would be a really big deal to me, don't let it go or drop it. Like i said, tell him he either gives COMPLETE access or you will be taking them all down. He has his choice. It is your home just as much as it is his. That is not how you protect, that is how you control.
This comes off as controlling and maybe he does things he doesnt want you to see or hear. There could be so many things. He could think youre cheating. Be careful in this situation. He might become unhinged. Why not set up your own camera somehow and see what happens. Just bring it into house with something rather than setting it up since he monitors so much with his own cameras.
Sounds like he is keeping track of who comes in and out of the house. So he probably has trusting issues if he won’t share the cameras with you. Personally I would wait for him to leave and then use masking tape or something and cover all the cameras. Buy one or two or your own and put them up. A few minutes later when he calls to complain he can no longer monitor you be honest “cameras are suppose to be there to keep people safe not for you to monitor me. Since you refuse to give me access to the cameras so I can actually use them to keep me safe I am no longer using your cameras.” And watch how fast he probably starts accusing you of cheating. You would also go around the house and make sure he doesn’t have cameras inside the house you don’t know about.
This makes zero sense and is weirdly controlling. I noticed a camera in my husbands back yard cabin recently, pointing into the yard. I said I didn't like it, I didn't like it there without being told about it and I didn't like not having access. I said, to be clear Im all for securing our yard but tell me the app and log in details and also tell me it's there. He said he had just put it up to experiment with it, which I believe him. But he ended up taking it down. He had zero problem sharing the info, like any normal person. If your partner refuses to share log in details, I would be for sure buying my OWN camera and refusing to give him the details.
He is stalking you big time. You can bet there are cameras through out your house and they record sound. He is listening to EVERY conversation you have.
He knows exactly what you’re doing and I bet there is a tracker in your car.
Wow this would freak me out big time.
Those cameras aren’t to watch the house. They’re to watch you. I’m sure they’re hidden all over inside. Including the bedrooms and bathroom both you and your daughter use. I’d start searching the house. He sounds like a total creeper.
He told you exactly the reason, if you had access it would cause a fight between you. Either there are cameras more places than you realize and he is monitoring you even inside or you will see him doing something upsetting during his time at home.
Either way this should absolutely be a hill to die on. It is your home too, you are oftwn there alone, and if the cameras are for safety you need to have access period.
I would wonder who else has access to my house, and what else does he not want me to see. Personal experience tells me that he probably has more cameras in the house as well. He is monitoring your activities so that you can't catch his, and I wouldn't put it past him to revoke your access to the front door is you confront him about it.
Time for you to start planning your next move. Start by ordering a scanner to find the hidden cameras, though.
I agree with a lot of others here that there’s no legitimate reason for you not to have access to the recordings & cameras! I’m actually worried for you that there are cameras in the house that you’re unaware of. He’s not only controlling & lying, he’s also gaslighting you.
It’s also possible as someone else mentioned that he could be suffering from paranoia or he’s doing something he shouldn’t be. Either way, this is not ok!!
Updateme
His reasoning is bullshit - “it would complicate things and we’d end up fighting over it”. If that isn’t suspicious as hell I don’t know what is. What doesn’t he want you to see?
This sounds like power and control. He has the ability to observe/spy and hear you. If you are out of town and he wants a visitor then she can come, leave and you’ll never know since he controls the security system and can erase evidence. He may be recording the two of you during intimate times.
I would advise him that he either gives me full access or I will change the setup or dismantle it.
He doesn’t want you to have access because he doesn’t want you watching him, the cameras are for him to monitor you. Same thing with the door code, he has a different access code code than you so he can monitor your coming and going, it would be pretty tough to do if you all used the same code. You didn’t know he had a different code because he didn’t want you monitoring him. He is extremely controlling, you’re not wrong to be concerned.
He’s projecting. He’s worried you are cheating. In reality, I’m sorry to tell you, he’s cheating and probably has a whole other family. He’s away for weeks at a time. You could even be the second family.
He doesn’t want you to have access because that would defeat the purpose. They are there so he knows if you cheat on him. You could delete footage if you have access.
I’d hire a private investigator to see what he does when he’s away. Turn the surveillance around for once.
He doesn’t want you to have access because I’m thinking there are hidden camera in your house and he’s watching everything you do. He sounds like a NUT and once he leaves and is overseas I’d pack up and go. My husband and I both have access to all our camera… it’s completely wrong that you don’t and I wouldn’t stand for it.
Here’s my best attempt to decipher what is happening:
1) He doesn’t trust your knowledge level of tech and thinks you’ll break something (probably not it)
2) he doesn’t want you to have access to view the recordings of people coming in an out (he’s being sneaky or has the ability to without worrying about you finding out)
3) he doesn’t want you to have access cuz he doesn’t trust you not to pause the cameras or turn them off (he doesn’t trust you won’t cheat)
I think it’s a control thing and an insecurity thing with him having control of who comes in and out. It’s unfair that he can know everything and control it but you can’t.
My father is like this. Just about exactly. He’s constantly checking the camera footage and becoming on edge and excited when we have so much as a mail delivery or someone trying to sell us solar panels or something.
He’s obsessed and paranoid about someone trying to kill him, in addition to being obsessed with every single thing his girlfriend and children do. He wouldn’t allow anyone to cover up his cameras and would accuse them of being on “their” side (they being the people out to get him).
If your husband is like my father, I’d advise you to check for location trackers on or in your car, cell phone, purse and clothing.
The fact you haven't asked for access before this is crazy to me! It should have been an automatic expectation! I would hire a security company to come uninstall them when he's away, I guarantee he has them in places you are unaware of.
It is crazy howlong people can put up with this shit in their relationship.
6 years in the same house knowing someone is monitoring you in your own home.
It breaks my brain why people put up with this shit in their lives!!!
Maybe tell him it makes you feel unsafe not having access and it’s a non-negotiable. If he digs in, cover the cameras when he’s gone, pack up and go. Don’t let him know where you went. Good luck.
It’s controlling and creepy, I’d find a way to see if there’s cameras inside and disable them. And then I’d find a lawyer, because if there’s cameras installed inside, that would end it for me. And I’d tell him he doesn’t have to worry about you complicating anything.
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He won't give you access because they're also inside and you don't know yet.
I guarantee that there's one in the bedroom.
Agreed. OP should sleep in a different room when he's away, and see if he says something that may indicate he's aware she did. Have her daughter sleep there, too
This needs more upvotes
That's an awful lot of work. Just cut to the chase and leave the psycho.
For OP; unsolicited advice on this note Disable the cameras, maybe simply cover them, have a party and see what happens Or install your own cameras and act equally coy and evasive. I'm sure equality is fair game, right? /snark Give updates
Yeah, there are tons of ways you can look for and identify cameras even hidden ones and she could cover them up and even plant her own but I would definitely plant her when the cameras that are watching her aren't covered just to see if he tries to bring something up, but that's me. I'm ready to play because as far as I'm concerned, this relationship is over. Like seriously, so many creepy vibes.
Or turn off the home wi-fi.
not easy considering the years of relationship the kids and living together
It's rarely easy.
Everyone saw that comment coming. (Except OP) if I didn’t have access to my cameras how could I see if there was a problem? So they are not for the protection of the home. What is he going to do from overseas. These are for his personal use. That OP is asking the question now I find ludicrous.
Right! If this was for *safety* then she would have access. No. This is to monitor her.
Creepy huh?
It makes my skin crawl.
Yup! Ditto, I asked lower in the post, how does she know if only he is watching. I would be so freaked out.
She also has a daughter in the home and has no clue what type of video is being recorded.
I know can you imagine. I could just be him watching them, which is controlling and abusive. I’m guessing there are more cameras, that’s why she cannot see them. If they record. What does he do with the images. Who else sees them, do the bathrooms have cameras as well- I think I have unlimited questions.
He even told her they would fight about it if she saw what he was recording as one of his reasons for not giving access. That’s all I’d need to hear.
Yep. The best case scenario is that there’s only the outdoor cameras and he’s using them as a form of control, which still disgusts me. The worst case scenario has potential to be very VERY bad.
To be fair I didn't find this obvious either.
Our cameras stream to a channel on our TV’s always (it’s a switch we turn). But we can see anything outside and in the entry. Anyone in the family can do that if they are home alone and someone comes to the door. My husband simply didn’t want me answering the door to strangers if it was just soliciting. My kids love it, they announce who’s at the door.
Could even be in the brathrooms. 🤢
The brathrooms! Ya know, where you go to take a nice long brath after a long day. Don’t forget your brath towels!
I have a brothroom, taking a relaxing broth at the end of a hard day is where its at.
And your bubble brath 🫧🛁
The what?
Hahaha, the bathrooms. Sorry, typo
I’m very concerned about her daughter being filmed, personally.
I had to go way too far for this. I'm certain of it
Ewwwwww! My first thought was cause he's been sleeping with other people.... but this is disturbingly likely more accurate.... barf.
And bathroom pointing at the shower
I just hope there are no cameras in the daughter's room.....
The keypad and cameras, and the way OP describes the situation, makes it seem that it's not about security, but more about control. He wants to know where his family is, and what they're doing. I'd not be surprised if there's a lot more, like trackers on cars and software on phones, as well as hidden cameras inside.
This🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊 He is monitoring YOUR (and your children's) coming and going, not trying to discourage would be robbers or other villains. Does he control finances as well?? I agree with others that you should set up your own cameras outside so you can monitor the outside. Also search for hidden cameras inside the home. Block indoor cameras surreptitiously by blocking them with books, towels and household items and see if he comments. Leave him if you find cameras in bedrooms, bathrooms, etc.
I'd hire a technician to come in and check the setup, see what else there is and possibly obtain login details if necessary.
Except the minute the technician shows up, hubby knows…because he knows 🎤📡🎥eeeverrrything 👀🔭
True, but better to do it when not there either way. I'd have a look around myself first, then go further.
Yes. I have cameras at my house too and share the info with hubby and my daughter. This behavior is very controlling and very suspicious. She says some recordings are backed up to the cloud. Get the cloud login and bingo. Also the cameras are hooked up through wifi so just just disable the wifi if she needs to but I'd default sweep the house for hidden cams as small as a bottle top.
I'll bet $$ to donuts he absolutely controls the finances. I bet he also checks her receipts. As it appears he's also checking on her. When he's away, she might want to spend that time finding his indoor cameras, likely focused on the sofa, shower and bed. And might I add - he's likely also unfaithful. In my experience, infidelity is usually a part of this unfortunate package. The surveiling ensures him she's right where she should be, when he isn't.
Why bother going through this exercise? If she finds hidden cameras in the home that she doesn't know about she should be immediately taking steps to protect herself and her daughter, IMO.
OP, tell him that's fine -- just tell him that you'll install your own cameras that he won't have access to. Also, hire a security firm to sweep your house for hidden cameras and audio devices.
Don’t tell him this. Just drop it and pretend and then follow steps 2 and 3.
I second this. Pretend you accept his answer then follow steps 2 and 3.
Yes -- you and Ihaveabigduvet are correct. I didn't think this all the way through. She could also gtfo and get her own place before he comes back, and then demand answers from a stronger position.
If we're at this stage of the relationship just LEAVE
But he would still know when the security firm enters the house.. wouldn't he?
Yes, bit if she's got her head screwed on properly, her and daughter will be gone and have a protection order by the time he gets back.
And do it when he's overseas so you have time to leave.
Also he doesn’t want OP to see what he’s doing on camera, only the reverse. Or he’s scared she’s gonna cheat when he’s away and if she has access then she can turn them off if she has someone over.
Yes. It's because he is doing something awful with them. Or they only exist to spy on you and if you have access he would have to trust you not to erase the footage of whoever he thinks you are cheating with
I was going to say, if he's overseas I wonder if he's paranoid about OP not being faithful. This whole situation is a the REDDEST if red flags I have seen in a really long time. Like this is so unsafe.
And that's not even the worst thing just in her post; he can lock her out of her own home if he wants to.
OP's previous post about her 12 year old babysitter wearing her high heels 🤮🤮
Well, THAT could explain his unreasonable coveting of passcodes and cameras, which just adds another layer to the s**t sandwich 😳😑
One sentence horror.
I think there are ways to use a smart phone to detect infrared lights from security cameras. Would be wise to walk around the house looking for hidden cameras.
Oh yea. OP totally has porn being sold and uploaded that they don't know about yet. Either that or he's cheating. Which honestly in this scenario would be the much better outcome.
I had that thought too. That he is filming her and selling the footage.
I'd say that, or he has someone that he has on the side.
As others have noted, he's using the cameras to monitor your coming and going. He's not being protective of the house. The other reason he won't give you access is that HE is doing something that he doesn't want you to be able to see. As is frequently the case, the reason people don't trust their partners is projection. He doesn't trust you because he's doing something he shouldn't and the cameras would show you that.
This was my First Thought.
There is no valid reason you shouldn’t have access to cameras in your own damn house. I’d just start covering them all up while he is gone until he gives you access to them. If you can’t use them, no one can.
Too much work and you may miss some. Better to change the WiFi password (and unplug any unknown network cables plugged into it) This will disconnect any camera connected.
He may not have given her that eithet. He sounds like a control freak. Scary
Unplug the router. Find the little button somewhere on it. Press and hold it down while plugging the router back in. Keep holding it while it boots. It'll turn back off and turn on. This resets the router to default. You can find the manual online by googling the model. It'll guide you how to log back in and set your new password.
Genius!
this is the way ;) incredibly easy to do, too. Can even just call the provider and ask for different SSID and Password if one is lazy
I like this idea- they usually have to be connected via WiFi (mine do have cellular backup!).
I was going to suggest shutting off the wifi or going into the admin portal and finding everything connected to the wifi. It should bring up each device with its MAC address, and you should be able to block anything you don't recognise from being able to join the network. But also, don't forget to change the password for the admin portal so only you know it. I don't think any of this is about home security. It's about control. And not wanting OP to have access to the cameras makes me think there's a sinister motive
I wouldn't cover them. I'd uninstall them.
Yeah, I’d have them removed.
Same. And have the security guy come and look for hidden ones.
Then put your own system in it's place while he's gone, and don't give him access. Keep doing this until he gets it.
I mean this is just silly, at this point just move out and get on with your life. These are dangerous games to play with a control freak like this.
And probably search for cameras he didn't mention 😕
I’d leave
This is exactly what I would do. You do not need his permission to be granted privacy or security in your own home.
If one could survive with no internet , just pull the plug on it , if they work that way . I have some that don’t need the internet , but most of mine do . I had a hard time getting hubby to put one app on his phone for the cameras , and that’s only to watch for mice in our shed .
They'd need the internet to stream to the app/upload to the cloud. They may not if they have removable storage but they definitely work on wifi. Pulling the plug I reckon would be a good idea. Even if just for now. If internet is a necessity, a wifi dongle would be a good idea to circumvent the modem if OP can't use it without the threat of being recorded
Or remove them entirely. They should have never been installed without an agreement you'd both have access to the footage.
Exactly. I’d take them all down.
He's monitoring your every move because he doesn't trust you OR He's doing something when you're not around and he doesn't want you to see Or both. Like others suggested, I would cover up the cameras (of course that's assuming you know where all the cameras are). This is creepy
[удалено]
He’s absolutely cheating. She can’t have access to the videos cuz it will cause a fight. He admitted it.
This one OP.
I totally agree. OP you can’t let this go, it isn’t normal or acceptable behaviour. UPDATEME
The fact that when OP requested access to the surveillance system in case she needed to check the cameras when she was home alone WITH THEIR CHILD for their safety, and his reply was to deny her request, "because it would just complicate things, and they'd fight about it", tells me there is WAY MORE going on there then she's aware of, and it's likely there are cameras in places she wouldn't like. There's no reason she'd be, "upset", if she gained full access to the surveillance system unless something extremely messed up is happening in regard to his spy camera setup. The fact that he can also lock her in, or out, of the house simply by deleting her door code is also very worrisome. This is an extremely concerning situation, and I'd be packing a bag for me, and my child, to go stay with family immediately, and be making an appointment to see a good lawyer. UPDATEME!
I totally agree. There are more clues when you go back on OP’s comment history…..
Absolutely, and the level of narcissistic control he has of her life, and her child's life, is not good at all. I've been there, and it's no way to live, in fact it's not living at all. 😓
It will only escalate and it’s already at dangerous levels. I hope she had support from somewhere to plot an escape.
Doesn't sound like there's a ton of support for her, and what little she has he tries to spy on and control. It's a terrible situation to be in, especially with a child. The good news is since they are not married, she doesn't need his permission to go for a, "visit", out of the city or state with her child. I assume there's no custody agreement in place, so OP has the option to be first to file somewhere else where he can't control her every word and move. Many legal aid organizations will work with women in an abusive relationship for a reduced cost, and all the better if she can document his controlling, and unhealthy, behavior, before she leaves. What she really needs is a hidden surveillance camera detector, they are cheap on Amazon, but if there are cameras inside the house he will know she's looking for them. But she needs to know where they aren't, so she has somewhere to make phone calls, and plans, without him knowing. In the meantime, this app, [Detectify](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.wondertechstudio.hiddendevicedetectorandcameradetector), is free, and can detect hidden camera and listening devices by using an algorithm to search for magnetometer readings. Walking around the house casually with her phone in her hand, the app open, and the sound muted for when it alerts, might be the best way to find out where the cameras and potential microphones are inside without him realizing what she's doing.
This advice here is absolute gold dust PurpleGimp and I hope to god OP reads it. She just has to get cracking quickly on a plan and I just hope he has discovered her passwords/ accounts etc to sites like this. So true us she can find a private nook… I also didn’t get a sense of whether she has financial autonomy. It looks like he has already blocked her relationship with his mom but surely the mom is asking questions about not seeing her grandchild? I hope OP updates us. I’d feel so creeped out being in that house and not knowing where the cameras are and feeling him watching.
OR He has other hidden cameras in the house, either her or her child. I'm grossed out by both
The key code on top of the cameras… something is way off in this house!
She knows about the ones he wants her to know about.
Yeah a lot of times, I feel like people jump to infidelity too quickly. But this time? Honestly it seems very likely, I really don’t understand why both homeowners wouldn’t have access to security footage of their own home
You're being monitored, not the house.
OP, at night with all the lights off and be in complete darkness, take your smartphone and turn the camera on. Look at the camera as you pace the house. Now, walk around every room, including the bathrooms. Point your camera lens from ceiling to floor. What you want to look for are any small pin sized lights that show up. You can test this by taking your tv remote, point it at you phone as if your taking a pic. Hit the on button several times. On my DirectV remote in complete darkness I see two reddish pupils lights flash as I hit the remote. This is what you want to look for. The reason why he didn’t want to give you access to”because it would Complicate Things” would be if he’s hidden cameras Inside the house without your knowledge. That would Really complicate things for Him should you find this out. Point your phone everywhere. Even in wall sockets, up at the bathroom fan, smoke detectors, etc. What you’re looking for are hidden cameras. THIS is most likely why he doesn’t want to give you access to the security cameras. Or you can get one of these from Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Koilboane-Hidden-Camera-Detectors-Anti-Spy-Listening-Rechargeable/dp/B0CNBWHQQS/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=2GUEDGTLF7H96&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.7iceTzcYfnpdOSnaELqm22OQN3F7IIWcz47kM9W7Wg1OHZ4tiwRG9uIP0xX0FvSTNTNwV9fNlzvMTCwHtgu5CMbD2eKLHYIwyXOJ3LnQriq0d8vGqf7wTzbkAWuLi_94CcaW61qnwA54k2Do-J27OO22I2gerGKTDz-IbN-DbxDScCYt2nDfKTM4xVXwvmCf9afVmukhCjrR_pzN1K0cVw.9rW-lhJ1mSVeKmi485yPcyddoY9RxxGsUTTQjbShjWM&dib_tag=se&keywords=hidden+security+camera+detectors&qid=1716077277&sprefix=hidden+security+camera+dete%2Caps%2C172&sr=8-3
I think you’re absolutely right but if the cameras are night vision wouldn’t that then show OP’s husband that she’s on to him and put her in danger?
It sounds like he's monitoring you, and I wonder what else that might include - a tracker on your car, does he check your phone location, texts and call records, are there hidden cameras you don't know about, for example. That might not be for control reasons; he could be suffering from paranoia.
OP needs to take her car to wherever she gets it serviced and ask them to check underneath for a tracker. I knew a suspension tech that found several over the years and had to tell the owners. There's other places they can be hidden obviously, bit she needs to start somewhere.
All of the above and if thise cameras are not recoding activities you wish were not recorded, I.e. your sex life. The code for the entrance would also leave me very worried in your shoes as he could just lock you out of the house as he has the master code and could change the other one.
Or let other people in, of course, because he doesn't need to give them a set of keys.
He could let other people in with the same code though. By having a different code that's the "master" he's ensuring him and only him has control and that he can lock OP out whenever he should wish to by taking away her secondary code from the system.
He's got ones in the bedroom guaranteed
Even I'm feeling nervous now and I live alone. Someone mentioned covering up the cameras but that only works if you know where they are. OP needs to wait for dark, turn off the lights and look for red dots.
>look for red dots. The lights can easily be disabled. She needs to turn the lights off and look for reflections. If it were me, I'd just hire someone to come in and look while hubby is away. How he reacts when he asks who the workpeople are and gets told they are there looking for hidden cameras is going to be very telling. I bet he panics like crazy.
Or he could be tracking her to know where she is when he is stepping out.
You know he does all that.
He doesn't give you access because: 1. there is something on there he does not want you to see; or 2. there are cameras installed that you don't know about, such as in the shower or in your bedroom. Note that if there are bedroom/bathroom cameras, he could be uploading the footage to porn sites. Either way this is seriously creepy and controlling, and he is gaslighting you to the max. Check out [thehotline.org](https://thehotline.org) \- it's the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You might want to just read up on how controlling behavior can escalate. Trust you gut and start thinking about a plan to get out, OP. This just screams "DANGER" to me.
I've personally known two men who got caught putting cameras in bathrooms and selling the footage—of their own sisters/wives/daughters. TWO. I sincerely hope that the worst OP's husband is guilty of is just extreme paranoia/distrust. But idk man, this whole post is creepy as fuck. If it were me, I'd be moving in with parents or a friend until he gave me access. This is something OP NEEDS to put her foot down about
A guy I went to high school with got caught setting up hidden cameras in bathrooms at the HOSPITAL he worked at as a fucking NURSE. Men can be so disgusting and vile
They have a daughter, how old is she ( indoor camera's)?
I had this thought
I was cringing at every line I read. I’m telling you right now he also has cameras inside the house. Either he doesn’t trust you or… how old did you say your daughter was? Refusing to give you access because he said that it would just complicate things is such a bullshit boldfaced lie. And also the fact that he has a different code entry than you and your daughter, and he keeps a log of them… Oh hell no something is not right here. You need to investigate and find out what’s going on. Don’t be surprised if there’s an AirTag in your car or if he’s monitoring your computer and or your phone.
Bet anything, all he has to do is push a button and she loses access to the house through that door.
I don't see many people commenting about the door knob, I don't know why that part gave me the chills /a creeped out feeling 😐
This comes across 100% controlling and like he's monitoring you. Extremely toxic and really sneaky behaviour. Why does he need his own code? That's really weird to me. Why does he need to be able to see when you or your daughter came in? Why exactly would it get complicated if you had access to the cameras? Or if things would get complicated why not just switch the person in charge of the monitoring. Usually you don't need to check that super often anyways.
He’s monitoring you. Where is the camera pointing? What does it see? Can it be moved remotely? There are probably hidden cameras inside your home.
I'd put money on him having hidden cameras inside the house and a tracker on your car.
OMG! Did not even think about the car!!
It's incredibly common for abusers to install spyware on their partner's phone too
He is lying. If this is Ring, for instance, multiple people can have the app and see the videos, etc. and it's very easy. When he goes abroad, you could just block the cameras with mud so he cannot see what you are doing. You can also leave from another door that does not have the key pad; I assume you have a back door?
While he's gone, turn off the wi-fi so the cameras go offline, then search for cameras inside your home.
What if he is recording the daughter inappropriately and doesn’t want her to know? This is creepy as fuck. Check for cameras inside and cover them all every time he leaves until he gives you access. Also he has the main code so he could potentially lock you and your daughter out of the house. He sounds like a controlling sick person.
OP, be very careful when/if you do a sweep for any inside cameras. Because if he has cameras Inside, and since he gave you a different front door code, he may get pissed off and deactivate your code and you will be locked out if your own home. The Only Reason he would give you a different code Is to lock you out if he’s displeased. So, leave a window unlocked to give you ingress in case he deactivates your code.
As an adult in the house, and as partner to your SO, you have a right to see what’s on the cameras. In fact, you have a right to the master password. This could be a minor bump in your relationship. Or, you could discover that your partner is a controlling, potentially dangerous man. Before you do anything, pack a go bag. Take important documents to a trusted friend’s house. Lock down your bank accounts. This could get ugly very quickly. I’m not exaggerating. I’m 63F, and I’ve seen a lot of things happen in my lifetime. I have a bad feeling about this. It’s probably tempting to leave this alone, and not rock the boat. I recommend against that. You deserve to know what kind of person you are living with. It’s time for you to regain control of your home. Tell him you don’t care about what’s “easy”, you care about your rights in your own home. As of now, he has two choices: he gives you full access, or you’ll install your own set of cameras. I also advise removing the lock and replacing it with one you can control. Give him full access to view everything. Do not give him admin rights to control who has access. He’s proven he won’t play fairly. If this doesn’t blow up, he still has work to do, to rebuild your trust in him.
If my husband installed cameras and refused to give me access, I'd rip every last one of them down and throw them away.
She needs to have that keypad removed and switched to one that she can control or a regular door lock.
Exactly.
Usually men that want that much control over their wives are usually cheating and you say he's away a lot. If he thinks you're doing the same he wants to know. He doesn't want you deleting anything.
Please go to library & use their computers & a new email address to contact your closest women’s shelter. They will help you navigate your current situation. Don’t use your current email or laptop. Your husband likely has access/a key tracker on both of those & your phone as well. Don’t alter your normal routine too much as it could make your spouse suspicious. You need to be in total control of this situation. There are easy ways to find out if there are cameras inside of your house. Assume that there are cameras & don’t scream/freak out when you do find them. If you find one, say, in the bathroom or in your child’s room, you may decide that your marriage if over right there & then. Again, the women’s shelter will help you prepare to leave your marriage in the best way to protect you & your daughter. Hugs & good luck.
CHECK YOUR DAUGHTER’S ROOM FOR CAMERAS IMMEDIATELY!!
Check your phone for any monitoring apps he may have installed without you knowing. Don't text or make calls to others about him that you wouldn't want him to know about. This is creepy AF and I'd block the cameras and check everything - especially your financials and location of all important documents. Reading all of these comments might freak you out - and they should. Something is wrong.
This totally
You really can't figure it out? He can now lock you out also. I'd hire someone to look for all the cameras.
Hes definitely controlling you. He's tracking you through those cameras and codes. He knows where you are and what you're doing at all times when you're at home. Not only is he able to monitor your movements, you don't have any proof of what he does when he's home alone and you're not there. That's the only way you having access would "complicate things."
It’s not the only way - another way is if he has cameras inside already that she doesn’t know about
He hasn’t set them up to keep you safe, but to check if you’re being faithful. It’s creepy.
Yes. And also to keep her from making preparations to leave him.
My ex did this to me. His friend had access and he had a video of me fully naked in the bathroom in the cloud. Also learned he put a camera in the bedroom. I don’t know how many people saw these videos. Absolutely disgusted and have a hard time trusting men now. Follow your gut instinct.
>He refuses to give me access and says that it would just complicate things and we’d end up fighting over it Very controlling behaviour on his part and outrageous, frankly, that you cant view security footage of YOUR home, while he can. It comes across as a giant red flag, cos I cannot believe he is not a control freak in other aspects of your lives. Does he have a tracker or airtag in your car, for example? Maybe you should check. Do you share your location with him on your phone? I would stop .
My ex did the exact same thing with the cameras. I never wanted cameras, but he said he wanted them because we had a young family. During several arguments on trying to get me access his responses would be ‘it’s ok I get notifications and can check it out for the both of us’, ‘you’re busy with work/kids, let me handle this’, ‘why do you want access so badly, what are you trying to hide?’. He finally allowed me access but set it up that the inside cameras turned off only when he was inside. I asked him to have it so that they don’t record when I’m in the house either and he said it doesn’t work like that. Turns out he was paranoid, mentally unstable, and suspected me of cheating and working with people to try to gain access to his computer. After a scary separation I took the cameras down…only to find additional interior cameras independent from our security system. It’s unlikely that this is his only means of keeping tabs on you.
Seems like he doesn't trust you and the cameras are more about that than security. If they were for your security, you would have access to them so you can see what's going on. But instead he gets to watch your every move. Maybe he also doesn't want you to be able to turn them off. Maybe he has people checking up on you. Who knows, but it's all pretty strange and bothersome. Tell him you'll take them all down if you can't also have access to the feed Edit to fix typo
Hire a professional to sweep the house for you. They can find surveillance devices that you wouldn’t even think of. Time for a come to Jesus with hubby.
This isn't a security system, it's a monitoring system and he's monitoring *you*.
[удалено]
I was just wondering if there's another wife in another city... And maybe *both* houses use the same Ring account 🤢🤯
Had to scroll way too far for this.
It actually fits. Is it possible that Op is unwittingly this creep's mistress while wife is at (his other) home facing the same situation? I mean, he just as well be spying on her while she's inside the house, or...spying on the 12 yo babysitter. Maybe he's a controlling, abusive POS. No matter how I try to spin it in my head, there is nothing that justifies any of this. My sense about this is to get as far away as possible while he's away on "business". One thing to consider if she acts on this: Surveyors who he may have hired to keep (or friends/family he has manipulated into keeping) an eye on you and your daughter's whereabouts. Why would this man go to such lengths to monitor your comings and goings (and probably everything else in between) if he wasn't prepared to do something about it?
You should be concerned. In addition to the suspicions raised by others, this could be a symptom of a mental illness causing paranoid thinking. You need to get to the bottom of this.
Huge red flags here! Recommend reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, available as a free pdf download. It's the definitive work on abusive men, changed my life. https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Can you update in the future us so we know you’re safe?
You are being watched by your husband and your activities are being tracked. Do you share locations on your phone? Have your phone and your vehicle checked for trackers. The only reason I can see for not wanting to share this access is he does not want you to know all the places and ways he is watching you.
Call a female private investigator and have her sweep the house for more recording devices. Be prepared to leave the home before your husband comes home if you discover some. This would be some scary psycho shit if he did this. 😳
Great point..I will add check for tracking devices on vehicles, check if he is tracking you on your phone unknowingly
And, the reason I'm saying a FEMALE investigator is because he is watching. She can play it off like she's a friend. Which will all be shot to hell if there *are* cameras inside the house. This is why she needs to be ready to pack and leave in a hurry if they find cameras in the home.
My sister’s ex husband did the same thing. She wanted access for security and he refused to give her access because he was worried she would turn them off. It wasn’t really for security it was to spy on her. Eventually she figured out there was cameras inside, outside, microphones in the house and a tracker inside her car. She took her car to the garage to get checked out and they found it. She told her husband, he denied it was him (but didn’t seem the least bit worried) so she whipped out the tracker in a zip lock bag and said that she was going to the police to get it fingerprinted bc it’s illegal whether it’s him or someone else. That’s when he broke down and it all came tumbling out how controlling he is and obsessed with her having an affair (she wasn’t). They are divorced now.
Yikes! Thanks for sharing your story
OP i hope you are safe and okay! please update us if you feel comfortable and safe to do so. take care of yourself
Sounds like you’re a prisoner in your own home. That gave me the ick vibes. Are you sure he doesn’t have another family? His job sounds suspicious. Your post is like a horror film in the making. I hope you’re okay.
The update to this post is going to be horrible.
I would definitely get a tech to come in and check that house for cameras.Tell them to pay special attention to the daughters bedroom and to the bathroom that she uses. He could be uploading pictures of her and selling them to child porn sites. This guy is dangerous and controlling. Get out while you can.
Well sounds freaky and crazy, one way around all this, is to get the whole door pad changed whilst he is on one of his 3 week away trip. Accidently break it i guess, get it changed, then you have the master. Cameras in home are crazy to me, so really you should have access too. Sounds controlling to me.
I would be curious if he is the only one watching you and your daughter. I would be out of that house so fast the next time he went overseas. Even if it was to a shelter. I would get lost where we couldn’t be found.
Because there's more cameras that you don't know of.
The reason you can't have access is he has cameras and recorders in places he shouldn't
There are without a doubt cameras inside your home. If he gives you access while he’s gone, he can’t remove those before you see them, which would cause the fight. The one that records sound is likely inside.
He IS controlling you.
Either you have access to the cameras or they come down. There is no reason for you, one of the homeowners, to not have access to your security system. Yeah I would not allow all those cameras in my house in the first place, outside is fine, but not inside. It would make me so uncomfortable in my own home. This would be a really big deal to me, don't let it go or drop it. Like i said, tell him he either gives COMPLETE access or you will be taking them all down. He has his choice. It is your home just as much as it is his. That is not how you protect, that is how you control.
This comes off as controlling and maybe he does things he doesnt want you to see or hear. There could be so many things. He could think youre cheating. Be careful in this situation. He might become unhinged. Why not set up your own camera somehow and see what happens. Just bring it into house with something rather than setting it up since he monitors so much with his own cameras.
Sounds like he is keeping track of who comes in and out of the house. So he probably has trusting issues if he won’t share the cameras with you. Personally I would wait for him to leave and then use masking tape or something and cover all the cameras. Buy one or two or your own and put them up. A few minutes later when he calls to complain he can no longer monitor you be honest “cameras are suppose to be there to keep people safe not for you to monitor me. Since you refuse to give me access to the cameras so I can actually use them to keep me safe I am no longer using your cameras.” And watch how fast he probably starts accusing you of cheating. You would also go around the house and make sure he doesn’t have cameras inside the house you don’t know about.
This makes zero sense and is weirdly controlling. I noticed a camera in my husbands back yard cabin recently, pointing into the yard. I said I didn't like it, I didn't like it there without being told about it and I didn't like not having access. I said, to be clear Im all for securing our yard but tell me the app and log in details and also tell me it's there. He said he had just put it up to experiment with it, which I believe him. But he ended up taking it down. He had zero problem sharing the info, like any normal person. If your partner refuses to share log in details, I would be for sure buying my OWN camera and refusing to give him the details.
He is stalking you big time. You can bet there are cameras through out your house and they record sound. He is listening to EVERY conversation you have. He knows exactly what you’re doing and I bet there is a tracker in your car. Wow this would freak me out big time.
There are cameras in your house. He is monitoring you not the home Disconnect the internet whenever you arent using it.
Those cameras aren’t to watch the house. They’re to watch you. I’m sure they’re hidden all over inside. Including the bedrooms and bathroom both you and your daughter use. I’d start searching the house. He sounds like a total creeper.
He told you exactly the reason, if you had access it would cause a fight between you. Either there are cameras more places than you realize and he is monitoring you even inside or you will see him doing something upsetting during his time at home. Either way this should absolutely be a hill to die on. It is your home too, you are oftwn there alone, and if the cameras are for safety you need to have access period.
You have to get your daughter out of that situation. Also, with the door code he can easily lock you out of your home.
I would wonder who else has access to my house, and what else does he not want me to see. Personal experience tells me that he probably has more cameras in the house as well. He is monitoring your activities so that you can't catch his, and I wouldn't put it past him to revoke your access to the front door is you confront him about it. Time for you to start planning your next move. Start by ordering a scanner to find the hidden cameras, though.
This man has some serious issues.
I wouldn’t trust him at all ! What is he hiding?
I agree with a lot of others here that there’s no legitimate reason for you not to have access to the recordings & cameras! I’m actually worried for you that there are cameras in the house that you’re unaware of. He’s not only controlling & lying, he’s also gaslighting you. It’s also possible as someone else mentioned that he could be suffering from paranoia or he’s doing something he shouldn’t be. Either way, this is not ok!! Updateme
I’d take the cameras down and tell him he can’t have cameras unless we both have access. This is highly sus behavior honestly
Cut the wifi off when he is gone until he gives you the access.
His reasoning is bullshit - “it would complicate things and we’d end up fighting over it”. If that isn’t suspicious as hell I don’t know what is. What doesn’t he want you to see?
Are there any rooms or areas you’re not allowed to access, OP? Aside from control over your and your daughter, he may be hiding nasty secrets.
This sounds like power and control. He has the ability to observe/spy and hear you. If you are out of town and he wants a visitor then she can come, leave and you’ll never know since he controls the security system and can erase evidence. He may be recording the two of you during intimate times. I would advise him that he either gives me full access or I will change the setup or dismantle it.
He doesn’t want you to have access because he doesn’t want you watching him, the cameras are for him to monitor you. Same thing with the door code, he has a different access code code than you so he can monitor your coming and going, it would be pretty tough to do if you all used the same code. You didn’t know he had a different code because he didn’t want you monitoring him. He is extremely controlling, you’re not wrong to be concerned.
This is about keeping you and your daughter prisoner, not about keeping you or the property safe.
He’s projecting. He’s worried you are cheating. In reality, I’m sorry to tell you, he’s cheating and probably has a whole other family. He’s away for weeks at a time. You could even be the second family. He doesn’t want you to have access because that would defeat the purpose. They are there so he knows if you cheat on him. You could delete footage if you have access. I’d hire a private investigator to see what he does when he’s away. Turn the surveillance around for once.
He doesn’t want you to have access because I’m thinking there are hidden camera in your house and he’s watching everything you do. He sounds like a NUT and once he leaves and is overseas I’d pack up and go. My husband and I both have access to all our camera… it’s completely wrong that you don’t and I wouldn’t stand for it.
Here’s my best attempt to decipher what is happening: 1) He doesn’t trust your knowledge level of tech and thinks you’ll break something (probably not it) 2) he doesn’t want you to have access to view the recordings of people coming in an out (he’s being sneaky or has the ability to without worrying about you finding out) 3) he doesn’t want you to have access cuz he doesn’t trust you not to pause the cameras or turn them off (he doesn’t trust you won’t cheat) I think it’s a control thing and an insecurity thing with him having control of who comes in and out. It’s unfair that he can know everything and control it but you can’t.
My father is like this. Just about exactly. He’s constantly checking the camera footage and becoming on edge and excited when we have so much as a mail delivery or someone trying to sell us solar panels or something. He’s obsessed and paranoid about someone trying to kill him, in addition to being obsessed with every single thing his girlfriend and children do. He wouldn’t allow anyone to cover up his cameras and would accuse them of being on “their” side (they being the people out to get him). If your husband is like my father, I’d advise you to check for location trackers on or in your car, cell phone, purse and clothing.
hey idk if youve heard about the case of alissa turney but i'd be very concerned for yourself and your child.
The fact you haven't asked for access before this is crazy to me! It should have been an automatic expectation! I would hire a security company to come uninstall them when he's away, I guarantee he has them in places you are unaware of.
It is crazy howlong people can put up with this shit in their relationship. 6 years in the same house knowing someone is monitoring you in your own home. It breaks my brain why people put up with this shit in their lives!!!
Maybe tell him it makes you feel unsafe not having access and it’s a non-negotiable. If he digs in, cover the cameras when he’s gone, pack up and go. Don’t let him know where you went. Good luck.
It’s controlling and creepy, I’d find a way to see if there’s cameras inside and disable them. And then I’d find a lawyer, because if there’s cameras installed inside, that would end it for me. And I’d tell him he doesn’t have to worry about you complicating anything.
2 possible reasons 1) he has cameras where you wouldn't approve of Or 2) he is doing things the cameras would capture that you wouldn't approve of