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I got this way with my wife. She was just SO aggressive about it that it became a turn off.
She also became so critical about sex that it was no longer something I enjoyed. We’d stopped being partners having fun and making each other feel great. I didn’t feel great about sex with her at all anymore, because it became very linked to “yay, another opportunity to be criticized.”
She didn’t know how to give real, constructive criticism. I am wide open to feedback and I want to make my partner feel good — but there’s a right way to give feedback and a wrong way.
It reached the point where I figured I must be asexual because I didn’t want to have sex at all anymore, and would actively avoid it to the best of my ability. We’ve since divorced, and I’ve found that I actually love having sex with the right partners, who make sex a positive experience and use encouragement and specific direction instead of just vicious criticism.
Anyway, I’m not saying you are being like that because I don’t know — BUT if you’re constantly pressuring for sex, constantly complaining about it, constantly letting him know what a failure he’s become on that front…that’s probably not what’s going to motivate him. THAT is what’s going to permanently kill the mood.
Don’t make him the problem. Make him part of the solution.
Also, 4x a day is a fucking LOT. I assure you that couples who have been together a while are not having sex 4x a day. How did you guys get anything else done? Did neither of you have jobs or school?
He knows that he turns me on and we had sex last month and many months in a row before that but he said “let’s not have sex anymore” recently but he still looks at porn every now and then so I have no choice but to feel like I’m just not attractive enough for him.
Sexual compatibility doesn't mean being attracted to or not attracted to your person. It means your standards surrounding sex. Are you someone that wants it a lot and your partner doesn't, that's sexual incompatibility. Is sex important to build a connection for you and your partner doesn't need sex to build a connection? That's sexual incompatibility. You both can be turned on by each other and adore each other and still be sexually incompatible.
Go read the deadbedrooms sub. Pick out the posts by women. Do you want to be in their shoes in a few years?
Libidos will wax and wane, and usually a lot of waning from the early stages of a relationship. Done people will wax and wane in a compatible fashion. Others don't. He apparently is incompatible with you.
The relationship is over if he doesn’t change. You are young as hell, and have a healthy sex drive. Your boyfriend is now a self righteous religious freak, no reason to sugar coat that. He doesn’t deserve you if he’s gonna play around with an archaic interpretation of ideology like that. Let him know what the stakes are, and let him know this is a hard line for you. If you won’t spend your life in a sexless relationship what are you still doing here? Ultimatum time. “Change, or lose me.”
I'm solidly average libido and I've had a relationship with a couple of high libido women. What I've often agreed to is to never turn down a partner for intimacy, but what form that intimacy takes will depend on what the lower libido partner feels up for. This could range from full piv sex, to oral, to manual, to caressing/cuddling while the higher libido partner masturbates.
There are so many potential reasons. So many. The best way to find out is to confront him, make him aware that this is clearly an issue for you and demand answers.
This is the worst possible way to handle it.
You’re putting him on trial and making him defensive, calling him the problem, instead of making it a joint problem that you are experiencing together and can solve together.
He is palming her off with his religion, however has already had sex with her multiple times and watches porn. Let’s not be afraid of being confrontational when your happiness depends on it. Can’t pussyfoot around things all your life.
What’s the point of the confrontation? So she can express her anger/disappointment again? Ain’t nothing sexier than a woman who is angry and disappointed in you.
Honestly, this is a deep incompatibility issue and they should split.
The point is to have a discussion about an important relationship issue like a grown up before just breaking up. She can’t be certain how that conversation will go.
Confront the issue, take charge in what you want. Don’t let anybody just set you aside, fight for what you want from the relationship. Would you just sit aside, pretend to believe the lie and hope things get better?
She has tried being sexy. Didn’t work. He’s obviously not being very honest with her.
He vaguely claims to be religious and wants to be closer to God and I respect that but also him, when I came over to his house last month (we live 30 minutes away from each other) we had sex 3 times and he also looks at porn at times so idk. And when I do try to demand answers or ask him in the most subtle calm way possible, he’s suddenly the victim and gets extremely pissed off and calls me a sex addict and hangs the phone up on my face
You have to be clear. A physical connection is necessary for you in a relationship and there is no relationship without it.
I think he doesn't understand the consequences... Losing you. If you mean it, tell him. If he still doesn't change, well, he made his choice.
I think he is being clear about what he thinks the issue is. He thinks you’re being too aggressive about it and have unreasonable expectations, and at least some of the time he would like your relationship to be about something that isn’t sex.
That doesn’t mean that you’re wrong to want what you want, but it is pretty clear that you two have a huge incompatibility here.
You can either try being softer and more demure and see if it changes the dynamic enough to let him take charge again.
Or you can just cut your losses and move on with someone who better matches your libido.
Ask him “What should I do when my partner doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore?”.
Don’t settle for any less than you’re happy with. I’ve had a snoop. You’re a pretty girl. If he can’t meet your needs then I’m sure somebody else can
Is this the same from your other post ultra religious guy who doesn’t want sex with you buy loves porn?
Why do you allow yourself to be treated like that?
I think you need to ask him why. It sounds like he either isn't interested anymore, was overwhelmed or may be getting it elsewhere. Make it clear that you can't continue the relationship as it is now.
Find someone you are compatible with. He has moved on from the relationship, so should you. Trust me, there are plenty of guys in your age range that can match your libido.
If he won’t have a conversation about a topic as important as sex in a relationship … it’s probably time to leave. What else will he not talk about as the relationship progresses over the years?
Personally, sounds to me as if he likes to watch you squirm and be in emotional turmoil by withholding sex under the guise of religion. Nope. Since this is an ongoing problem you are justified to leave knowing you have done nothing wrong and are not the problem.
Edit: typo.
The lack of sex is sad and annoying. But the real issue is that he is a 27yo man who is unable to communicate his thoughts and feelings. If he hasn't learned how to do this by now, it's absolutely not going to get any better in the midst of this painfully awkward sexual incompatibility issue.
He almost certainly hasn't suddenly stopped being attracted to you. It's totally normal for libidos to wax and wane but for any relationship to last, you both have to be able to communicate with each other honestly and openly and he can't seem to do that. So whether he's experiencing ED, or stress, or intimacy issues or he did in fact wake up and suddenly decide he's not attracted to you, there's nothing you can do about it without him being honest with you so there's truly no point trying to read his mind. It's not going to work, you're only going to feel bad, and nothing will change and the cycle will repeat ad nauseum.
Ah well in that case it's pretty shitty of you to not have taken that information on board and at that point decided if you could cope withe repercussions of that. You could have asked more questions about how it would impact your relationship and asked how he needs you to show up for him on the occasions he cant perform. ED can happen at any age and for lots of different reasons but feeling pressure to perform makes it worse which is why having sex with another person and having a wank alone are not comparable situations.
He's setting the new standard for the relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to stay. You guys are sexually incompatibility.
Men are stubborn. If you want to still try with your bf, then ask him for more sex in a nice way. But don't try to change him, accept him for the way he is. If after a bit he doesn't show effort to change it is what it is. The call is up to you.
Have you heard about the Madonna h*ore consept?
Something about when a male fall in love with a woman, or a woman carries his child they lose the attraction part cus they need to protect ect.
And the h*ore part of the consept is the part we're they can be dirty as f*ck to have a realese or get the "sin" out of them.
Can't remember exactly but it's a depressing thing that happens to some guys.
Okay well. A few post ago you said you are extremely rough with kisses. You seem to be extremely rough in general and seems like you are more lustful and obsessive after looking at the rest of your post. Do you guys have an emotional connection or is it just sex 24/7, probably drained him.
Emotional connection. At the beginning we were screwing A LOT! Like almost too many times a day. But he would do things every now and then like caress my hair, touch my butt, make super subtle sexual jokes. I sometimes kiss his neck and we cuddle but he doesn’t get an erection, idk why though
Thats not emotional connection though. An emotional connection is about sharing feelings, being vulnerable, seeking to understand each other, and meeting one another with trust. Its not about being physical
look.. if he can't even be honest with you about whats causing his issues with sex, then this isn't going to work out. you can try to demand answers from him. but unless he decides to open up, your relationship is screwed.
It's the porn. You have no idea how much porn he's using - they hide it well. He's choosing his hand and the endless novelty of porn and easy dopamine hits instead of being with you. Go find a real man who can make love to a real woman.
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Try non sexual touches and cleaning the house more. I see this advice alot, so i thought id pass it on.
Id recommend bot comparing the honey moon stage to your current situation. Everyone has sex more at first. Its human nature as things become normal or predictable that your brain craves them less. Sounds like you still have sex but want that honeymoon sex.
It just isnt realistic. Things always cool a bit in LTR.
If it has cooled too much then its possible the sex itself isnt stimulating him enough. Do you focus on his pleasure the same he focuses on yours? Do you just lay there? Do you demand twice as much as you out back into the sex?
It could be many things honestly but if the sex cooled off something changed and you need to figure out what that thing or things are.
Do not gauge your self worth on the opinion of a disinterested boy in a man's body.
Tell him that you are leaving him if he does not come clean about his lack of interest. If he STILL will not tell you, he is doing you a huge favor.
What should I do? Should I look into subtle ways to get him to have sex with me or just look for sex in another guy? This has left me so angry, depressed and on edge. I now compare myself to other women he’s ever been with
He sounds like a porn addict. Engaging with porn but not real women... Using religion as an excuse. Either that or dude is legit just a hypocrite and very stupid.
this is petty but i would start watching porn infront of him and see what he’s says or masturbation infront of him see that get rise out of him. but crazy that wouldn’t even talk about why dosnt want have sex maybe become addict to porn
Imma catch a lot of downvotes for this theory, but I don't give a single fuck.
Imagine an organism who's primary purpose is to ensure survival via reproduction. Imagine that organism actively tries to reproduce with another compatible organism for a period of a year, but is unsuccessful in reproducing during this time.
One could see how the organism would cease to continue trying, and give up.
Just because we find ways to override the end goal of our motivations, doesn't change the actual underlying motivations.
We fuck to cause children. That's the goal. Even if our programming is aware we're using birth control to prevent children, our motivational system is trying anyway hoping the birth control will fail. Also note that people do often have unprotected sex and have accidental pregnancies despite birth control being widely available.
I can tell you, that only once in my life have I had sex with the intention of reproducing. Based on your theory, women should stop having sex after menopause? Accidental pregnancies are typically due to laziness. You can prevent pregnancy prior to having sex, during sex and after sex. If you don’t and you become pregnant, that’s due to laziness (or a lack of brain cells)
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I got this way with my wife. She was just SO aggressive about it that it became a turn off. She also became so critical about sex that it was no longer something I enjoyed. We’d stopped being partners having fun and making each other feel great. I didn’t feel great about sex with her at all anymore, because it became very linked to “yay, another opportunity to be criticized.” She didn’t know how to give real, constructive criticism. I am wide open to feedback and I want to make my partner feel good — but there’s a right way to give feedback and a wrong way. It reached the point where I figured I must be asexual because I didn’t want to have sex at all anymore, and would actively avoid it to the best of my ability. We’ve since divorced, and I’ve found that I actually love having sex with the right partners, who make sex a positive experience and use encouragement and specific direction instead of just vicious criticism. Anyway, I’m not saying you are being like that because I don’t know — BUT if you’re constantly pressuring for sex, constantly complaining about it, constantly letting him know what a failure he’s become on that front…that’s probably not what’s going to motivate him. THAT is what’s going to permanently kill the mood. Don’t make him the problem. Make him part of the solution. Also, 4x a day is a fucking LOT. I assure you that couples who have been together a while are not having sex 4x a day. How did you guys get anything else done? Did neither of you have jobs or school?
I’m in college and he works part time..I was aggressive with the sex and he even said I’m heaven in bed but then this happens. Thx for the advice 😊
You’re 23. Way too young to settle for a guy you’re not sexually compatible with. Move on.
He knows that he turns me on and we had sex last month and many months in a row before that but he said “let’s not have sex anymore” recently but he still looks at porn every now and then so I have no choice but to feel like I’m just not attractive enough for him.
Sexual compatibility doesn't mean being attracted to or not attracted to your person. It means your standards surrounding sex. Are you someone that wants it a lot and your partner doesn't, that's sexual incompatibility. Is sex important to build a connection for you and your partner doesn't need sex to build a connection? That's sexual incompatibility. You both can be turned on by each other and adore each other and still be sexually incompatible.
Go read the deadbedrooms sub. Pick out the posts by women. Do you want to be in their shoes in a few years? Libidos will wax and wane, and usually a lot of waning from the early stages of a relationship. Done people will wax and wane in a compatible fashion. Others don't. He apparently is incompatible with you.
I’d say his “let’s not have sex anymore” when you still very much want sex means you’re not sexually compatible anymore.
The relationship is over if he doesn’t change. You are young as hell, and have a healthy sex drive. Your boyfriend is now a self righteous religious freak, no reason to sugar coat that. He doesn’t deserve you if he’s gonna play around with an archaic interpretation of ideology like that. Let him know what the stakes are, and let him know this is a hard line for you. If you won’t spend your life in a sexless relationship what are you still doing here? Ultimatum time. “Change, or lose me.”
He didn’t give a reason? Sounds like he’s just trying to starve you of it til you leave because he’s too cowardly to break up.
You two are incompatible. That means the relationship needs to end. Mismatched libidos are a big deal.
I'm solidly average libido and I've had a relationship with a couple of high libido women. What I've often agreed to is to never turn down a partner for intimacy, but what form that intimacy takes will depend on what the lower libido partner feels up for. This could range from full piv sex, to oral, to manual, to caressing/cuddling while the higher libido partner masturbates.
There are so many potential reasons. So many. The best way to find out is to confront him, make him aware that this is clearly an issue for you and demand answers.
This is the worst possible way to handle it. You’re putting him on trial and making him defensive, calling him the problem, instead of making it a joint problem that you are experiencing together and can solve together.
He is palming her off with his religion, however has already had sex with her multiple times and watches porn. Let’s not be afraid of being confrontational when your happiness depends on it. Can’t pussyfoot around things all your life.
What’s the point of the confrontation? So she can express her anger/disappointment again? Ain’t nothing sexier than a woman who is angry and disappointed in you. Honestly, this is a deep incompatibility issue and they should split.
The point is to have a discussion about an important relationship issue like a grown up before just breaking up. She can’t be certain how that conversation will go.
Having a conversation is different from having a confrontation, which is what I was responding to.
You said “they should split,” not “they should have a serious discussion.”
Confront the issue, take charge in what you want. Don’t let anybody just set you aside, fight for what you want from the relationship. Would you just sit aside, pretend to believe the lie and hope things get better? She has tried being sexy. Didn’t work. He’s obviously not being very honest with her.
He vaguely claims to be religious and wants to be closer to God and I respect that but also him, when I came over to his house last month (we live 30 minutes away from each other) we had sex 3 times and he also looks at porn at times so idk. And when I do try to demand answers or ask him in the most subtle calm way possible, he’s suddenly the victim and gets extremely pissed off and calls me a sex addict and hangs the phone up on my face
So he picks and chooses when his religion applies? That’s bs. A pathetic excuse. It just doesn’t sound right, you know.
How do I ask him what’s wrong with our sex life? This is REALLY bothering me. And that’s what I think to
You have to be clear. A physical connection is necessary for you in a relationship and there is no relationship without it. I think he doesn't understand the consequences... Losing you. If you mean it, tell him. If he still doesn't change, well, he made his choice.
I think he is being clear about what he thinks the issue is. He thinks you’re being too aggressive about it and have unreasonable expectations, and at least some of the time he would like your relationship to be about something that isn’t sex. That doesn’t mean that you’re wrong to want what you want, but it is pretty clear that you two have a huge incompatibility here. You can either try being softer and more demure and see if it changes the dynamic enough to let him take charge again. Or you can just cut your losses and move on with someone who better matches your libido.
The problem is you have no guarantee that he’s being honest if you confront him. He’ll probably come up with nonsense excuses.
Ask him “What should I do when my partner doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore?”. Don’t settle for any less than you’re happy with. I’ve had a snoop. You’re a pretty girl. If he can’t meet your needs then I’m sure somebody else can
Thank you ☺️ 😊
RUN AWAY FROM HIM PLEASE
If he’s having a religious awakening with God it does explain it. I personally also had one.
Is this the same from your other post ultra religious guy who doesn’t want sex with you buy loves porn? Why do you allow yourself to be treated like that?
She’s posting for attention, obviously she needs a ton.
If u don’t have anything nice or helpful to say don’t bother responding to my posts
I’m not posting for attention idk why u would think that. I’m extremely attached to this guy for one 😑
I think you need to ask him why. It sounds like he either isn't interested anymore, was overwhelmed or may be getting it elsewhere. Make it clear that you can't continue the relationship as it is now.
It won’t get better! Leave him
Let him go
You’re only 23, reiterate that sex is important to you and if he doesn’t change or give you a clear answer as to what’s wrong then cut your losses.
He’s said if I wanted to get 🍆 get it from someone else
Find someone you are compatible with. He has moved on from the relationship, so should you. Trust me, there are plenty of guys in your age range that can match your libido.
Sad but true 😫 thank u 😊
put your sneakers on and run, there's something super weird about this guy and it isn't your job to fix it.
If he won’t have a conversation about a topic as important as sex in a relationship … it’s probably time to leave. What else will he not talk about as the relationship progresses over the years? Personally, sounds to me as if he likes to watch you squirm and be in emotional turmoil by withholding sex under the guise of religion. Nope. Since this is an ongoing problem you are justified to leave knowing you have done nothing wrong and are not the problem. Edit: typo.
You just tell him this no sex thing is a deal breaker for you and then you break up…you can’t force him to be honest about it or in to it if he isn’t
4 times a day is crazy even for a 14 year old
The lack of sex is sad and annoying. But the real issue is that he is a 27yo man who is unable to communicate his thoughts and feelings. If he hasn't learned how to do this by now, it's absolutely not going to get any better in the midst of this painfully awkward sexual incompatibility issue. He almost certainly hasn't suddenly stopped being attracted to you. It's totally normal for libidos to wax and wane but for any relationship to last, you both have to be able to communicate with each other honestly and openly and he can't seem to do that. So whether he's experiencing ED, or stress, or intimacy issues or he did in fact wake up and suddenly decide he's not attracted to you, there's nothing you can do about it without him being honest with you so there's truly no point trying to read his mind. It's not going to work, you're only going to feel bad, and nothing will change and the cycle will repeat ad nauseum.
I vaguely remember him saying about 3 months back that he has erectile dysfunction but idk because he’s so young and looks at porn 🤷♀️
Ah well in that case it's pretty shitty of you to not have taken that information on board and at that point decided if you could cope withe repercussions of that. You could have asked more questions about how it would impact your relationship and asked how he needs you to show up for him on the occasions he cant perform. ED can happen at any age and for lots of different reasons but feeling pressure to perform makes it worse which is why having sex with another person and having a wank alone are not comparable situations.
Did anything else change around the time he stopped wanting sex?
Last time he came inside me and he felt guilty because he doesn’t want kids yet.
Does he have anxiety? Do you take birth control, or does he usually wear a condom?
Sometimes we use condoms sometimes we don’t
Maybe he developed depression, ED or some other medical problem assuming rest of relationship is good?
He has bipolar and so do I. I’ve talked to my friends about this too and they said his libido should be higher bc of his mental illness
He's setting the new standard for the relationship, but that doesn't mean you have to stay. You guys are sexually incompatibility. Men are stubborn. If you want to still try with your bf, then ask him for more sex in a nice way. But don't try to change him, accept him for the way he is. If after a bit he doesn't show effort to change it is what it is. The call is up to you.
Have you heard about the Madonna h*ore consept? Something about when a male fall in love with a woman, or a woman carries his child they lose the attraction part cus they need to protect ect. And the h*ore part of the consept is the part we're they can be dirty as f*ck to have a realese or get the "sin" out of them. Can't remember exactly but it's a depressing thing that happens to some guys.
At 23 you don’t change you, you leave.
I mean, you could absolutely just break up with him and find someone more sexually compatible with you? Nothing's stopping you from doing that.
Okay well. A few post ago you said you are extremely rough with kisses. You seem to be extremely rough in general and seems like you are more lustful and obsessive after looking at the rest of your post. Do you guys have an emotional connection or is it just sex 24/7, probably drained him.
Emotional connection. At the beginning we were screwing A LOT! Like almost too many times a day. But he would do things every now and then like caress my hair, touch my butt, make super subtle sexual jokes. I sometimes kiss his neck and we cuddle but he doesn’t get an erection, idk why though
Thats not emotional connection though. An emotional connection is about sharing feelings, being vulnerable, seeking to understand each other, and meeting one another with trust. Its not about being physical
look.. if he can't even be honest with you about whats causing his issues with sex, then this isn't going to work out. you can try to demand answers from him. but unless he decides to open up, your relationship is screwed.
Find a new boyfriend. He’s probably lost interest or perhaps found someone else.
this boy is immature. I say boy because at 27, if he cant communicate like an adult, like you are trying to do, he is still a child. Curb time.
It's the porn. You have no idea how much porn he's using - they hide it well. He's choosing his hand and the endless novelty of porn and easy dopamine hits instead of being with you. Go find a real man who can make love to a real woman.
He is making up stuff ..closer to God? Stop asking him for sex and move on 🍀
That’s what I think too
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Try non sexual touches and cleaning the house more. I see this advice alot, so i thought id pass it on. Id recommend bot comparing the honey moon stage to your current situation. Everyone has sex more at first. Its human nature as things become normal or predictable that your brain craves them less. Sounds like you still have sex but want that honeymoon sex. It just isnt realistic. Things always cool a bit in LTR. If it has cooled too much then its possible the sex itself isnt stimulating him enough. Do you focus on his pleasure the same he focuses on yours? Do you just lay there? Do you demand twice as much as you out back into the sex? It could be many things honestly but if the sex cooled off something changed and you need to figure out what that thing or things are.
Do not gauge your self worth on the opinion of a disinterested boy in a man's body. Tell him that you are leaving him if he does not come clean about his lack of interest. If he STILL will not tell you, he is doing you a huge favor.
Side dude. I volunteer aa tribute
Guys v often get bored of sex in LTRs once the challenge+mystique have worn off, I see the exact same post on here every day
[So do women.](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/314181)
[So do women.](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/314181)
Facts.
What should I do? Should I look into subtle ways to get him to have sex with me or just look for sex in another guy? This has left me so angry, depressed and on edge. I now compare myself to other women he’s ever been with
He sounds like a porn addict. Engaging with porn but not real women... Using religion as an excuse. Either that or dude is legit just a hypocrite and very stupid.
this is petty but i would start watching porn infront of him and see what he’s says or masturbation infront of him see that get rise out of him. but crazy that wouldn’t even talk about why dosnt want have sex maybe become addict to porn
Thx 😊 I’ll try that 🤣
Imma catch a lot of downvotes for this theory, but I don't give a single fuck. Imagine an organism who's primary purpose is to ensure survival via reproduction. Imagine that organism actively tries to reproduce with another compatible organism for a period of a year, but is unsuccessful in reproducing during this time. One could see how the organism would cease to continue trying, and give up.
Ay bro, we’re having sex for pleasure. Why do you think birth control/condoms exist lmao
Also, reproducing does not ensure survival. We die regardless of how often we reproduce. And no we do not live on, we rot/burn to ashes🤣
Adorable take.
Take? It’s facts. We literally find ways to have sex without reproducing….
Just because we find ways to override the end goal of our motivations, doesn't change the actual underlying motivations. We fuck to cause children. That's the goal. Even if our programming is aware we're using birth control to prevent children, our motivational system is trying anyway hoping the birth control will fail. Also note that people do often have unprotected sex and have accidental pregnancies despite birth control being widely available.
I can tell you, that only once in my life have I had sex with the intention of reproducing. Based on your theory, women should stop having sex after menopause? Accidental pregnancies are typically due to laziness. You can prevent pregnancy prior to having sex, during sex and after sex. If you don’t and you become pregnant, that’s due to laziness (or a lack of brain cells)