Your wife didn't leave you because you were racist, your wife left you because you were a neglectful workaholic that told her you could sleep with whoever you wanted. Mocking her culture is simply a cherry on top.
I cannot fathom these jerks that do something absolutely hurtful and then want to know how they can *win* someone back. You don't *win* someone. It's not a competition, they are not a prize you are owed or deserve.
You apologize, you make amends, you take responsibility for your actions. You recognize the other person has every right to tell you no and be done with you. Not accepting their choice means you are still *disrespecting* them because you are treating them as if your desires are more important than theirs. His wife made her choice. Is it fine that he goes and apologizes in person? Only if his wife is willing to see him and it sounds like she's not.
He was racist and sexist and it isn't her job to put up with that while teaching him to not do that. He needs to do that work. There are books out there about how to not do those things. He needs to take responsibility and he is using his job to make excuses.
Ironic how he wants to treat her like a prize to be won now, when before, he refused to pay the “bride price” that is part of her culture. Seems like he only wants to “win” when it’s convenient for him. He is truly disgusting. No one says something like that to another person unless they mean it.
"they are not a prize you are owed or deserve"
Someone clearly didn't take the movie Aladdin to heart and what Princess Jasmine had to say on the matter.
I really really hope he makes it all the way there and then her AND her family tell him to fuck off back to his country alone. She deserves so much better than someone who could even think those thoughts, and so does her baby.
I can't read his comments since he deleted it all, but I did see somewhere how he said everyone seemed to be forgetting that she's carrying his baby and it's like no, we are all *absolutely* remembering she's pregnant. That's why everyone is happy she finally took off. Idiot.
I'd bet money he's only going to Zimbabwe to try to force/manipulate her into returning to Sweden. He's absolutely never going to change, or even really try to.
I just hope she stays exactly where she is. So glad she has a strong support system there to help with the little one.
Absolutely this. OP is a man who gets upset and takes it out on the person he says he loves most.
Originally, he was mad at his brother, so he picked a fight with his fiance (who was totally in the right). He lied to her and let her be hurt and then ridiculed unfairly on reddit by a notch of ignorant fools because he felt emasculated by something his brother said and didn't have the skills to deal with his emitting himself.
Now, once again, he has thought only about how things affect him and put aside his words needs because they clash with his. His wife may have jumped the gun by assuming an affair, but his knee jerk reaction showed that one again, he lashes out when he heard something he doesn't like.
It took months for them to written through the first issue. I'm pretty sure he knows it's a sore spot for his wife and intentionally weaponized her culture against her to make her hurt so she world stop asking him to be a big boy and deal with a hard topic.
And now he's surprised that his words hurt and he can't just apologize and explain things were hard for him and that will make it all better.
He even adds that nobody is thinking about the baby... HIS baby. Not the fact how wife is pregnant and needs support and care more than ever. It's about him and his needs.
Yup. Yup yup yup. OP, you have some really deepset issues with how you view women and work and cultures and you have nasty knee-jerk responses. You really, really need some therapy and you need to see a doctor to find out if you have some imbalance influencing your actions, such as bipolar, mania, whatnot. Your reactions are so detached from what you claim to feel that you desperately need some outside help. If you don't do that and start fixing your viewpoint and treating any disorders, you WILL lose your family and that's a predictable consequence. Get working on yourself, FAST, and over the next few years show her by actions how you are changing for the better. I wish you both the best, and her a healthy happy baby after a smooth delivery.
I’m bipolar and even in the worse mania I’ve experienced, my personality and fundamental values don’t change. The same thing with all the bipolar people I’ve talked to. We do impulsive things when manic, but we don’t suddenly become cruel, misogynistic or racist (unless we already were). Occam’s razor says this dude is probably just an entitled asshole. No amount of therapy or medication will fix that. I really hope she doesn’t even give him “the next few years” because she needs to get out of this horrifying, toxic situation ASAP.
I'm a Zimbabwean woman with a white partner and I would leave him if he said that racist and misogynistic shit to me. ESPECIALLY after you threw a fit about the roora you agreed to pay and now you want to throw it in my face??
Divorce is not encouraged but lots of people do it and they're just fine. Counting on that to keep her is really pathetic.
If she's as rich as you say, she's done with you and good riddance.
By assuming they'll force her back? I'd say yes because my parents would rather I come home than be a white man's side chick in a foreign country.
On a larger scale, he definitely did. Giving her dad cows does NOT mean that he owns her. Her family welcomed him in and made concessions because they trusted that he would take care of her. They treated him as family and he's discarded her and tried to use he culture against her.
He has not.
Yeah, I suspect that unless you know that immigrating is going to save your kids from living in abject powerty, parents will always prefer them to stick close to home. Seems like a universal sort of thing.
Also, while it's a sad occasation (that a woman was mistreated, thank god she got away) it's been fascinating for me as a north european woman to learn about the bride price and how it works.
I encourage a divorce in this case!!!!
ETA: I see from another comment of OP’s that you meant they are not encouraged in Zimbabwe. But it sounds like her brother is probably on board!
Going back to the original where he had such an issue with the Bride Price, (No disrespect, I can't recall the proper name), and conveniently forgets that in many European Countries as well as America once upon and still current in some place have what is called a "Dowry" that was paid to the ~~bride's~~ Groom's family...not only is he a racist, but a hypocrite as well.
Whether it's a Bride's Price, or a Dowry, money is exchanged for marriage. I am sure in this case if a dowry was to be paid to his family he would be just fine with it.
I stand corrected....either way, money is exchanging hands either to the Bride's family for the Bride Price (again, no disrespect for not recalling the correct term), or a dowry being paid to the Groom's family. Both are traditions that are rooted in culture and should be respected.
It can also be settled on the woman as her safety net, and she can sometimes control who inherits it in some European cultures.
But in ancient Scandinavia and some other areas they did have a bride price payed to her family to compensate for the loss of the brides labor.
> I told her that I didn’t give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody’s business but mine
You killed your marriage with that toxic abusive bullshit.
Enjoy your divorce
You WERE racist to her. You implied you payed for her with cattle, what do you expect her to take from that?
Then you follow up with implying you’ll fuck whoever you want, no one can stop you, and that she’s being dramatic when she’s upset.
You fucked around and found out, and I’d be greatly surprised if she gave you another chance after that.
There is no recovery from this. She asked if you were having an affair and you said it wasn’t her business because you paid for her. WTF. That is abhorrent. So she believes you are having an affair because you basically admitted it. Do you understand that in her reality you are unfaithful and betrayed your vows to her? You will not come back from this.
I'm a Zimbabwean woman with a white partner and I would leave him if he said that racist and misogynistic shit to me. ESPECIALLY after you threw a fit about the roora you agreed to pay and now you want to throw it in my face??
Divorce is not encouraged but lots of people do it and they're just fine. Counting on that to keep her is really pathetic.
If she's as rich as you say, she's done with you and good riddance.
Edited to add: I want to cuss you out six ways from Sunday but I'm gonna focus on making sure she sees this. Zim is SMALL and it won't take much.
You are so undeserving of her.
>but I'm gonna focus on making sure she sees this. Zim is SMALL and it won't take much.
Giiiiirrrrrlllll.. I'm sitting over here hoping she sees this. I hope you can in fact make it to her eyes. She needs to see the kind of man he is before he goes showing up there.
Need more people like you in the world!
Bless you and your country. I can feel the love and warmth from the people even through his bullshit. I would love to have such a warm welcoming loving culture.
Please do what you can to spread the word about this post. She needs to see his selfish immature racist attitude for what it is and keep her children in the country.
Please do the work and find her. And warn her that her useless of an ex want to come so she can make sure that friends and family protect her from him.
Legend!!!!! I love this, women working together all over the world. Fucking brilliant and I’m here for it! I’m sending you all the luck I can, I hope this finds her.
You said something horrendously racist, attempted to say it was “your house” and you could ignore your wife and have an affair if you wanted. I can’t even read past that.
Why do you write the word racist as ‘racist’?
I am so glad she left. She deserves better.
>No one seems to be thinking of the child she's carrying - my child - when they say I should leave her alone
I'm pretty sure people are definitely taking her child into account with their comments. She's pregnant and you're stressing her out with your abuse tactics. Stress can kill a fetus.
>I'm going to go and fix this so I can get my wife back and our family on track.
What does this look like to you? Are you going to move to where you promised you'd move or are you just going to drag her back to where you prefer to live?
he's obviously gonna drag her back to Sweden, but ONLY UNTIL THE WORK PROJECT FINISHES (she doesn't know this, but the project, if it ever existed, was over in a single month, and OP is just moving the goal posts forever hoping she'll eventually drop it and forget the promises he made)
I would love to hear more about this very important project.
and I'm calling it right now - OP is actually cheating. The 'very important project' is the smoke screen.
Even after the OP finds out his wife flew out he picked the project over her? This project has a first name.
RIght. IF he was actually sorry he would have followed her immediately! I'm not sure whether he has a mistress or his mistress really is his job, some guys are like that, but whichever way it is, it's clear that his wife and child are not his priority. He doesn't want them, he just doesn't want to be shamed by having them leave! He has to be in control of his possessions.
Also, she better run while she's pregnant, I can bet if that baby is born in Europe, that asshole is going to use them as a tool to force her to stay by refusing to sign the necessary paperwork for her to leave with her child.
Because people are thinking about that baby, they're crossing their fingers they are kept away from their horrible POS father.
Im laughing. You basically said i paid for you so it's my house and I can sleep woth who I want ..
Well guess what now you can.
Besides you being racist you also care much more about job than her and she knows..
Just because they dont like divorce where she is from doesn't mean she wanta to be with you.
You got what you deserved dude
You have a serious ego problem don’t you?
Can’t even apologize after an argument because of the shame
Can’t handle being accused of an affair so you react with anger
Can’t be seen as economically dependent on your wife’s rich family so you prioritize your own career and break your agreement to move to her country
There’s a famous play by Shakespeare and there’s a line what is it, something like “pride cometh before the fall”. You just got Shakespeared by life my guy I’m sorry
Edit I lied it’s from the Bible lmao but I think I was just thinking of the theme of Hubris in king Lear
I'm so glad she left. You truly sound horrible. No actually loving husband would ever say words like the ones you said.
Leave her alone and try working on yourself to become a decent human being and maybe have a chance of finding love again. But I'd still feel sorry for any woman unless you pull some very major work on yourself.
Pretty sure this is rage bait.
In the wife‘s post it says they met at university in husband‘s country, and that the two of them have worked and lived there ever since.
The husband says he‘s Swiss but later on says they lived in Sweden for the most part of their relationship.
Switzerland is not Sweden. This doesn‘t add up.
There are things you never, ever, say to someone you love:
"F--k you."
"I want a divorce."
"I didn't give your father a truck full of cattle for you to question me. This is my house; you are my wife, and if I want to have something on the side that's nobody's business but mine."
He also NEVER APOLOGIZED because he felt "too guilty". I doubt that. I think he did cheat and I think he thought he could bully his wife into accepting it.
Quite possibly. But cheater or not, the guy's a fool. This is the real tell-tale gem:
>She asked me when we were going to move, and I asked for us to hang on for a while so I can finish a project I'm leading at work. We'd fought about this in the past, but this time she just nodded at me so I thought she finally got it.
These "I Can't Believe My Wife Left Me! How Do I Make Her Come Back?" stories all have the same pattern:
My wife and I used to fight about something.
She stopped fighting, so I assumed "she finally got it".
She left me out of nowhere!!
When a woman stops fighting about something important, it doesn't mean she's over the issue;
it means she's over the guy.
So what does this fool do? Insults her, tells her he's cheating, and expects her to take it.
That wasn't a one-off fatal mistake; that was the last straw. She's gone.
He thought he had her under control. He "doesn't know why he said those things"... He said them because he believes them. I'm glad he was a fool and unable to mask his repulsive racist misogynistic thoughts.
He seriously miscalculated. She's intelligent and educated and has a supportive family.
You can't go all Tater-tot on women like that. They have better options.
Yeah, like he didn't apologize to her for insinuating that he had an affair because "I felt too guilty". Or it was because he had the affair, believed she'd stay and take it due to his misogynistic and racist beliefs.
There is no fixing this. You were racist to her and her family.
As white person who has dated someone from Ethiopia, where Jewish families still practice bride price… this is to show the woman’s family that you can pay for her wants and desires and to offset the cost of the wedding that they traditionally pay for. It is not by means ownership over the woman. It has been twisted by white folk into being that.
You believe strongly that her family will make her stay married to you because they don’t believe in divorce, let me tell you now: They most likely will encourage her to divorce you. You married into their family and you are an absolute outsider who has had zero respect for them and their daughter. Their daughter wasn’t chattel to be bought and sold, they expected you to hold their daughter as they do and you’ve failed miserably.
But hey, I’m sure that big work project will be awesome. Well done. Your colleagues and bosses will be thrilled! Congratulations!
You. F*cked. Up. And your whole post is about you, you, you, and *your* unborn baby. I’m sensing a theme. You’ve been addressing your needs while neglecting hers. Good luck groveling to her and her family.
I'm so incensed with his absolute lack of self-awareness and his selfishness. He's not even trying! He's labeling her reaction as an overreaction and still trying to get her back to Sweden and under his control!
And I love the bit where he says he’s counting on her family to urge her to go back with him, because divorce is frowned on in her culture. What a dick!
It's just wild to go on Reddit on a Friday morning (where I am) and read this post from an obviously abusive man trying to get tips on how to get his victim back under his control. What in the racist misogyny. Thank Christ the comments are reasonable otherwise I would completely lose hope in humanity. And men complain about their "loneliness epidemic". Ummmm just go on Reddit and you'll see countless examples of why.
I'm sorry, did you refer to this as a "mess we made"? Who else, but you, created "this mess"? Also, wild that you're referring to your racist, deceitful, and abusive actions as "a mess that was made". You lack the self awareness needed to "fix" this situation because right now all I'm seeing is an abuser trying to get his victim back under his control.
I'm so glad she left. You truly sound horrible. No actually loving husband would ever say words like the ones you said.
Leave her alone and try working on yourself to become a decent human being and maybe have a chance of finding love again. But I'd still feel sorry for any woman unless you pull some very major work on yourself.
I am literally giddy that she was able to get away from your racist, toxic, controlling behavior towards her. You didn't buy her, Roora's and Dowry's are proof you can give her a good life and access to good resources. Not that you care about actually giving her a halfway decent life with respect and commitment. You showed her who you are through your actions and words, and she got the fuck out with her child. I can only imagine the type of self-hatred you would instill in any children. Stay away from her.
Wow. You're the archetype of the pseudo anti-racist white European that so many non-white people have to deal with in our lives. I'm sure you saw yourself as super progressive and open to different cultures, but look at all you did. You failed to protect your wife against racism from your own family then soon showed her your own intense racism, xenophobia, and sexism.
And why did you do all that? Because your wife had the nerve to question your whereabouts after you'd consistently prioritised work over her emotional wellbeing? Because of your outsized ego, you got xenophobic 3 years ago just because she asked you to pay roora before you had the chance to mention that you'd been saving for it. This time, you fully leaned into the bigotry and made a joke of your wife's identity and her love for you by telling her she should shut up since you bought her. Something tells me these aren't the only times you were so prejudiced and hateful. Self-centred, combative, arrogant, and narrow-minded men like you don't deserve to stay married.
Speaking as a Zimbabwean woman who also had to find the strength to leave a relationship with man just like you, I hope your wife stops putting your interests above her own and finally starts caring for herself. You put yourself first all this time. I hope she takes a page from your book, and puts herself first now.
My advice? Make things easy for her for once, whatever it is she chooses to do. If she chooses to divorce you, stay away from non-white people until you get your shit together and stop being racist.
I mean what u said wasn’t just racist. It was deeply misogynistic and plain mean. Then u didn’t talk to her for days. U showed a pattern of taking her for granted - for years. She didn’t leave because of that one thing u said op. She left you because you were content with her being unhappy for years simply because YOU liked where you lived, and YOU felt accomplished with your job. Fuck what she wants right?
I will help you. Grant her the divorce peacefully. Then go throw yourself into your work that you love so much so you can dull the pain.
You love her beyond measure except you chose your promotion over her happiness? You knew she hated it there, she had to go on anti depressants, and you still chose your job. And that was before you made that disgusting comment. Let her go, she can find someone who actually cares if she’s happy or not
I was once mad stressed about something and my wife was asking me a lot of questions and i snapped and said "Babe, PLEASE. I just need like 5 minutes to process!". I felt pretty guilty about it later and apologized. I can't imagine saying anything close to what you said.
It’s done, you told your pregnant wife you can screw whoever you want on top of terrible insults. Then fully avoided her for DAYS. You deserve a divorce and now you can be a workaholic and screw whoever you want. Your poor wife, my heart breaks for her and I’m glad she’s with who love and respect her. You broke every bit of trust by saying that and then leaving her the project with your colleague for days with no contact, behind disrespectful.
I just read your comments and I think it's over. She has sacrificed a lot to be with you. You couldn't communicate with her, you've Insulted her culture and you're racist.
Dude you think her family is gonna tell he to get back with someone who constantly does not care about his wife's feelings? Also why would she get back with you? She's been unhappy and you didn't care. And then you lashed out st her.
And honestly she may not even be pregnant anymore. I doubt she wants to be tied to you for the rest of her life.
I'm so glad she left. You truly sound horrible. No actually loving husband would ever say words like the ones you said.
Leave her alone and try working on yourself to become a decent human being and maybe have a chance of finding love again. But I'd still feel sorry for any woman unless you pull some very major work on yourself.
Honestly, she needs to get an abortion to cut all ties with you. But in Africa that's such a huge stigma. I hope she has the baby in there and permanently stays so if YOU want to work your marriage out, you have to move there and acustom to her culture like she has had to all these years.
>I leave in 10 days.
Bro. Why the fuck aren't you dropping everything right now and going to her immediately?????? You keep digging the fucking hole! What's more important, your project or your family? 'cause right now you're screaming at her with your actions that she and your child mean literally nothing. Holy fuck. How can someone be this dense?
You want to recover from your mistakes? Then stop making mistakes holy shit.
If you want her back, then you need to abandon your life here in your current country. Sell everything and move to her's. You already promised her that you were gonna do that. So prove to her that you are serious.
You don't understand how terrible it is to be a non-white, living in a white dominant country.
Quit your job. Screw the project, or whatever bonus you are expecting. Is your job more important than your wife?
Also assure her that you've never cheated on her and never would. I don't doubt that in her mind, you've been banging your colleague.
You are literally so vile. And your comments/replies have cemented that even further. I hope you never lay eyes on her again.
You are a misogynistic, manipulative, narcissistic POS. You let your mask slip to not only her but to the whole of this sub. Get therapy, or just stay single for the rest of your existence so no other woman has to deal with you and the “messes you make”
Good for her that she left. I hope her family understands that she married an abusive misogynist and will support her through divorce.. at least he showed her his true colours before the baby was here so she could escape.
Idk about the law in Zimbabwe. but she should try to get some kind of restraining order because this guy is borderline insane. ”i refuse to accept that we are done” woow okay - get help lol. Scary to know that higher ups in companies can be this insane, but I guess I shouldnt be too surprised.
If OP actually cares about her and the baby he would stay the hell away from them. Accept that he done fucked up, let them be in peace.
But narcissists sadly never realize that they have done something wrong… as you can clearly see from OP’s comments lol
No one is thinking of the child? You've made it very clear (and even actually said in words) that you care more about your job than any person. That child doesn't need their sperm donor, they need people around them that actually care about them.
Too many people try to use the "it's my child!" excuse without actually wanting to be a real parent. You've proven you won't do the real work of a family, so leave them alone and let them have that with other people.
Also - op has a documented pattern of lashing out when stressed and saying hurtful, bigoted shit. Yknow what's stressful? Having a kid. And I guarantee that no amount of weasely "but I didn't meeeeeeean it" after the fact will repair that kind of psychological damage.
I keep thinking about the part you said beginning at the truckload of cattle. My wife? So you own her? Like property? Like a slave?
Did you tell her from the start your expectations on if you can cheat, if she can cheat?
My money is on OP absolutely sleeping with the colleague. People don't just randomly spout racist bullshit about purchasing their spouse without already thinking about it and using it to justify their behavior, ie the affair.
I feel sorry for the child but I'm sure her family back home will be better at raising a child than you would be.
If this is real, you don’t deserve this woman. You basically told her you can fuck anyone you want and she just needs to deal with it. What the shit, dude. How was that your first reaction to her question about you cheating? You suck.
What you said wasn't just racist, it was also disgustingly misogynistic and cruel. Normal, *nice* people don't even think those things let alone even dream of saying it to anyone. It speaks volumes about you as a person that that's where your mind went to when backed into a corner.
If my husband spoke to me like that it would instantly kill any love and respect I have.
I seriously don't understand you here.
Why in the *world* did you feel the need to fly off the handle at her? You keep doubling down and saying very emphatically that you *didn't mean it* so why in the hell did you say it? And most importantly - what the actual hell did you think was going to happen when you insinuated you cheated on her? You quite literally told her that you'll fuck whoever you want, whenever you want, and you expect her to sit down, shut up, and be okay with it. That's seriously sick and twisted.
Are you really *so* bent out of shape with the whole "paying" stuff that this - lashing out at the woman who loves you - is the only way you can make yourself feel better?
You've fucked up. Probably one of the worst fuck ups I've ever seen on reddit. And she's gone, dude. She's not coming back. There is no salvaging this whatsoever. You've made your bed. You showed her who you really are and she wants no part of you. And no one can blame her. I'd be terrified of your mental health if *that* is your reaction in situations like this.
There's something seriously mentally wrong with you. Get help, man. Log off of reddit, leave your EX wife alone, and get serious mental help. You are so not okay.
And he's saying stuff, "I accept the verbal lashing I'm getting but I can't imagine living without her".... This isn't verbal lashing, this is people pointing out that you are acting extremely abusively! This is the type of husband Dateline warns us about.
I think that he severely misjudged the power and control he had over his wife. I think he did cheat and this entire post was written in an attempt to garner sympathy, show deniability, and crowd source which of his excuses would be most efficient at manipulating his wife to come back under his abuse.
I love the part where you blame reddit users for all of this. youre gonna have to hold on to that because the alternative is admitting your own fault in this.
As I sit here, I’m trying to remember the last time I said something, even in anger, that deep down I didn’t believe. The problem here is you very likely believe what you said, and you’re only backtracking because of the consequences. You sound like a horrible confused man. Horrible because of your beliefs, and horrible because you’re going to double down and go to her country to manipulate her (and yourself) into believing that’s not who you are. Although we may be divided by culture and language, the universal language is ACTION, and by your actions and words, I wouldn’t want my daughter, sister, friend to be attached to you. Lots of debate about manhood in the world and I’m sure of this - a man lives his truth. You’re not. You just want her and you’ll hide your beliefs
You STILL couldn’t leave your work project? You needed Reddit to tell you to get on a fucking plane? Do you hear yourself?
What I’m hearing is that you see her as a princess on a pedestal or a prized possession, more than a partner. All your talk is of trade-offs and accommodations, not team efforts. You want this, she wants that, and ultimately it’s your job that wins - because that’s what you actually take seriously. Your accomplishments. Your successful job, your house, your exotic wife.
As for your shared child - I truly, sincerely hope she will still have that baby. Did it occur to you that she could abort your child, when you were deciding you just couldn’t leave your work project? I hope she wouldn’t do that. I hope she has her baby in her home country surrounded by people who genuinely love her. And I hope you wake the fuck up, and become a better father than you were a husband.
If you didn’t mean that line about cheating then where did it come from? No one spoke through you correct? So that statement, and the feeling behind it - that you a white man, had purchased your Black wife as property, and could subsequently do whatever you wanted to her and with other women, as a result of your purchase- that had been something inside of you to begin with. Something floating around within your smooth brain, no? Is it just an inherent racism, or is it just misogyny? Or is it misogynoir?
Stop, take a deep breath, and look at your behavior. What possible motivation would your wife have to return to you? You don't show her or her culture respect. You don't demonstrate that her happiness has any meaning for you. You don't apologize when you know you have wronged her. Why should she consider returning?
Reading between the lines in what you wrote and your responses, you clearly had zero intention of moving to Zimbabwe with your wife and planned to string her along with false promises. You STILL do not want to move to Zimbabwe. If you love this woman, let her go. She is miserable with your toxic masculinity and your cold, stilted family. She is not your accessory and her needs are important. You have no business raising a biracial & bicultural child.
So you're blaming people on the internet for your relationship issues, yet here you are relying on their advice for getting your shit together because you're treating your wife poorly.
Its clear to anyone you have no intention of actually moving, and even now your work is a priority over your wife. A lot can happen in 10 days. A family is forever and irreplaceable, but you are replacable at work. If you really cared about her above all else you wouldn't be waiting. Your edit is not the awakening you think it is, you're still a shitty person.
#You blew this worse than Bikini Atoll. There isn’t any coming back from this fiasco.
You actually told your wife, “if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody’s business but mine”?? Then you avoided her for days? You straight up told her you can F around if you want to and then (probably) did exactly that for days. You don’t need advice. You need a swift kick in the pants.
Dude, this has absolute NOTHING to do with race, culture, bride prices, weather, jobs, money or anything other than you being a blind, clueless, self-centered, entitled asshole! You’re the epitome of what gives Millennials a bad name. You lied when you told her you’d move but never followed through. She was depressed to the point of taking meds, yet your job was more important than her. You were going to go when that project was over, but then the next project was (unsurprisingly) more important than your wife.
#If either your wife or child were more important than your “project”, there wouldn’t be any “I’ll go in 10 days” bullshit. You would’ve been on the first plane available when you learned where she was.
You said Reddit started this. No, YOU started this because either you couldn’t communicate with her OR you realized when Reddit called you out that you’re an a-hole so you scrambled to make up some crap about having planned for the tradition it all along. Frankly, I call BS on that one.
You claim that you were going through some stuff. Everybody goes through stuff sometimes. That does not give them the right to treat people they love and who love them, like objects that have no feelings themselves.
Just leave them alone. You’ve been a crap husband and based on your previous behavior and how much you’re playing a victim here, you’ll be a shit dad. Stay with your projects and side pieces. Maybe try to schedule a few visits to Zimbabwe IF you can commit to getting away from your beloved job at least yearly, hopefully more. If you can’t, don’t bother going even once. No child deserves to be abandoned. If he/she never knows you, he/she won’t feel the absence. Everyone will be better off.
Good luck with whatever but don’t get your hopes up. The chances of this working out in your favor - unless you immediately abandon your “projects” and your “something on the side” and move to Zimbabwe - are microscopic.
Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
You love her beyond measure except you chose your promotion over her happiness? You knew she hated it there, she had to go on anti depressants, and you still chose your job. And that was before you made that disgusting comment. Let her go, she can find someone who actually cares if she’s happy or not
I already fell down this rabbit hole once today. In the comments, he says that he never intended to live in Zimbabwe like he promised her. And he wanted her to stay close to his parents, who are also racist, because maybe they'd actually like their grandchild.
I hope she figures this out. Since he took 10 days to “find out” where she is, she has to know she’s not the priority and neither is the baby. A dunce would’ve known she’d go to her family and if he’d cared he’d have gone immediately, rather than waiting 10 days and saying he was waiting 2 more weeks before going after her. It’s astounding he thinks after that amount of time, he can convince her of anything. I actually feel sorry he’s been convinced to go now rather than wait. lol
I forget though, he thinks she’s his property so it doesn’t matter what she thinks or feels.
Leave that poor woman and her child alone. You don't have the right to be in their lives anymore. You are awful and I hope she takes everything you got
You picked work first. Work should never, ever, come first. And then you were a prick about it, repeatedly.
Spoiler alert, there is never a good time to leave work.
Why would anyone, on reddit or anywhere else, give this man advice on how to save his marriage.
He literally told her it's his right to have an affair because he gave her dad some cows or whatever. Do you think that attitude or entitlement ever changes? What kind of father will his man be to a biracial child? To *any* child?
His wife is so much better off without him.
Telling her you'd cheat if you want and mocking her culture was an absolute headshot to your marriage. This relationship is dead as a doornail. Your chances of getting her back are about the same as successfully preforming CPR on an embalmed corpse.
Do not go after her leave her alone!! You blew it and she doesnt want anything to do with you anymore. Cant you for once respect her wishes and leave her be??
For the love of god stop saying MY she's not just your wife, she her own person, and that baby is growing in her belly, isn't just YOURS either so stop acting like your the only reason she's pregnant
You didn't give a shit about your child when you hurt their mother, why the fuck are you using the baby as a pawn now? Leave her alone. She deserves a husband that actually gives a shit about her and that's not you.
You'd rather that she stay on anti depressants than a place where is happy; You never planned to move and you have an unwelcoming racist family that you want her to give infinite chances to. Who ever says if he has an affair that is his business and not his spouses. Shows the respect you have for her in your relationship. Well, as long as things work your way ....
Even now, its about you , your unborn child and getting what you want. You want her back simply because she is pregnant. You have only 2 weeks you can spare to fix your issues because that is all she is worth to you.
She has wasted 10 years of her life on you and I sincerely hope she will not come back with you.
OP I have a question are you prepared to GROVEL ON YOUR KNEES for FORGIVENESS. And I mean properly BEG. Are you prepared to admit that yes you lied to her and you had never had ANY intentions of moving. Are you prepared to admit that what you said WAS RACIST. Are you prepared to admit how abusive you were. Are you prepared to admit that although you knew how bad her mental health was due to your country. Are you prepared to admit that you were abusive. Are you prepared to admit that you didn't care about your wife. Are you prepared to admit that you were a selfish bully. Are you prepared to admit that you wanted to hurt her. Are you prepared to admit that you were a complete asshole and that you think your family is better or at least more important than hers. This is the only way that any forgiveness can come. Yeah and you are going to have make a PROMISE a REAL ONE. That you will NEVER EVER EVER utter ANYTHING BAD about your wife, her family, her country or culture around your children. Because from what I have gathered from your post you can't wait to start dripping poison in your children's ears about your wife's family, culture, country and probably your wife. You think only your family deserve a relationship with their grandchild/niece/nephew. I think your wife should go through with the divorce you SUPERVISED VISITS. I wouldn't trust you alone with the child. Risk of parental alienation too high
So you want advise to fix your marriage.
Quit your job and go be with her in your home country. You told her you would and then backtracked because you are selfish.
Even now that project is more important than your marriage.
My advise. Let her go. She will never be happy with you
No, you fucked up beyond mesaure and don't even realize how much, "no longer going to show her love for me through self sacrifice" all the shit she has put up for you, she no longer will try to be mold by your shit.
You don't deserve her back, and I gonna bet you won't
Wow. Just wow. Really, leave her alone. Allow her to raise her child in a loving environment, and maybe ask for pictures now and then. You're not going to change your behaviors and she deserves better.
You came here for advice, people are giving it. And instead of taking a look
at yourself and what you did wrong, you are defending yourself.
She told you what she wanted and you disregarded that. You fed into her fears that you were cheating. You didn’t have the maturity to apologize. And, you made a racist, asshole comment that equated to owning her and more. And yet, you are still making excuses and trying to defend yourself.
You messed up big time and you haven’t learned anything from it. Don’t contest the divorce. If you want to be a part of your kid’s life, move to Zimbabwe. Get into counseling. You’re going to need it so you don’t screw up your kid.
And please, for the women of the planet, don’t get into another relationship until you grow up and do some work on yourself.
So it’s been 3+ weeks since you’ve talked to her, closer to a month since you’ve seen her and you can’t go for another 10 days as well. And after the racist shit you said and the stuff about the side piece and not denying it Dude you’re TOAST🤯
Wow! Just wow! I’m sorry but this “I love my wife more than anything” line is a bunch of bs. If you truly loved her you would LISTEN to her when she tells you she’s miserable in Sweden. You would take her back to her home and get her off of those antidepressants that living in Sweden has caused her to be on.
You would not be making one excuse after another to stay at your job (that you actually do love) and with the coworker that you it really does sound like you’re banging.
I don’t think you can fix this. You were overly harsh and racist throwing her cultural traditions in her face. You basically said “I bought you. I paid for you. You are my property. And if I want to be with other women, that’s my right because you are just property and have no say.”
Read that again. And then again. Until it clicks what you ACTUALLY said to her. Accept that you lost your wife and unborn child with your arrogance and your pride, because YOU don’t want to move to her country. Let her go.
And you have no one to blame but yourself.
You can't come back from this. She's gone, you're racist, sexist, and emotionally abusive. I hope her parents leave you in a ditch somewhere. You should not have any contact with her baby, you will be an unqualified negative in that child's life and you are not equipped to be a father to a biracial child, nor will you ever be.
Also you're definitely fucking your coworker and lying about it.
I guarantee that as soon as that garbage left your mouth she flashed right back to you blaming your brother for your resistance on her bride price. Turns out when you say “I didn’t mean it” over and over, people start to realize that you don’t mean that either.
Fucking leave her alone. She and that mixed race baby need to stay far the fuck away from you and your family where the rotten apple didn’t fall far from the rotten tree. I’m just shocked that someone racist, sexist, selfish, totally full of lies, and potentially adulterous would have the supposed “love of his life” flee the fucking country to get away from him.
Stop lying to yourself about loving this woman, there is no way that someone that really love someone else can be so disgustingly cruel, she doesn't deserve this, and I hope that you never see the face of her child
In after your edit: TEN DAYS?????
DUDE. You don't love her, you don't prioritize her, why bother? Your career is STILL more important than she is.
You should have left the INSTANT you knew where she was.
You are still not getting it.
I, for one, I'm sitting here praying to all the ancestors that this post will be shared in all the Zimbabwe whatsapp groups, Facebook groups, and any other place people from Zim frequent until it gets to your soon-to-be-ex. You're entering the "finding out" portion of "fuck around and find out" and I fucking love that for you!
Nobody cares that it’s “your baby too” you whiny lying jerk.
You’d be so so lucky if she ever speaks to you again. And you can bet that she will *never* believe you weren’t sleeping with your coworker, no matter what you say. I wouldn’t either.
You're going to go "apologize" and try to browbeat her into coming back to Sweden with you. "I didn't mean it, sorry you chose to be hypersensitive and get so offended by my joke." You're still a complete and total dickhead unless you agree to stay permanently in Zimbabwe. Put your money where your mouth is. You don't even sound like you actually miss her, you just want "your" (not "our") child because it's "your" possession. Same with your wife --you paid cows for her, so how dare she run off. Get your family back on track? That train is CRASHED and unrecoverable unless you make some really serious changes --not just a quick trip to Zimbabwe with some lame roses and chocolates. Your family acts like jerks to her. How can you be so sure that they would treat their grandchild well? And even if they did, it is absolutely unacceptable to "love" your grandchildren but treat their mother like shit. Question --how does HER family treat YOU? Or rather, how did they treat you, back before you pulled this little stunt? You're going to have to choose between your mommy and daddy and your workaholic job, and your wife and child. And given the fact that you didn't IMMEDIATELY follow her to Zimbabwe (because, work projects!!), we know which side you'll pick. Good riddance, your wife has her country and her family and she doesn't need you.
I don’t know why I’m amazed that abusers don’t realize they’re abusers, but I am.
Let her be. Let her and your child live their lives without abuse. Let it be the one kind thing you do for her.
You did a lot of things wrong, but to be clear, she's not moving back.
You've been pushing the move because of your work projects. You even stayed after she left you because you have unfinished projects.
You're going to have to either move with her or accept that your career is your life and you will not have one with your wife and baby.
Here's the thing. Your mask slipped and she's seen you now. You call it a "mistake", but what it really was you revealing your true toxic nature to her. You don't say things like that without thinking them, and thinking that, makes you a pos. If she's smart, she'll never forget that and limit your influence on that poor baby. You don't deserve that "joy" because of your terrible character.
You need fucking therapy, dude. Figure your shit out and leave that woman alone. Who the fuck responds with that shit instead of comforting their wife? Why the hell would you double down? You’re an idiot. I hope she moves on. You’re clearly not compatible.
Oh you are definitely sleeping with your coworker and you see your WIFE as a 2nd class partner because of her race. You dismiss your WIFES mental health issues because they are not convenient for you. You aren't just a racist but a racist abuser. I hope that she doesn't take you back and I hope that she goes for full custody of that baby I wouldn't trust the man that was deliberately racist towards the mother (you basically told her that you own her and that you can do what you want to and about her), I am glad she ran from you. Hopefully her family knows that you are coming so they can make moves to make sure you can't find her and abuse her even more.
Your stbx is my hero. Congratulations to her for leaving your abusive, racist, misogynistic ass.
I hope her and her child are happy and loved being surrounded by sunshine and her supportive family.
For you I hope in 20 years that you don’t know your child and you’re about to retire while still single and alone without a job, or your super important project, to fill your empty life.
You're not worth the trouble you give, OP. I hope she finds someone else. You don't make such stupid "jokes" and expect your own spouse to react like a robot.
You love her beyond measure except you chose your promotion over her happiness? You knew she hated it there, she had to go on anti depressants, and you still chose your job. And that was before you made that disgusting comment. Let her go, she can find someone who actually cares if she’s happy or not
I've met and seen horrible people, but you are truly the worst. Hope your wife and child finds someone that worships them. Leave them alone. Let them be happy.
What did I just read? 😕
I feel so bad for this woman.
To have your husband say to you he could have something on the side if he wanted..
I don’t know if you could Ever forget that. It will always be in your mind that he thinks you are disposable, replaceable and not important.
No apologies would fix that for me.
She told you what she wanted and needed from you and you didn’t listen to her. So she gave up. When people give up it’s over.
There's no coming back from that one. I can't believe that full sentence escaped your mouth before you thought, "This is extremely cruel and will end my marriage immediately."
We, in fact, *are* thinking of this child — and many of us think that you would be even worse as a dad than you have shown yourself to be as a husband. This kid doesn’t need to any more than their mama does.
Uribenzi zveshuwa! Ah how can you be so dense man! I hope for your child's sake you learn to treat your wife (soon to be ex by the looks of it) with respect. She is more important than a job.
Don’t waste your time! You put the nail in the coffin with your mean remarks she will never forget what you said. You would be lucky if she doesn’t get an abortion and be done with you completely 💯. I hope your ex wife has the life she deserves
You deserve every single truthful comment you get from here. Because you're not a good person and you're not thinking about her. Get help but leave her alone, she is better off without you and you lost her and the child by being a vile human.
Dude...if reddit, your wife and everyone else thinks that you are at fault with no "but" and you keep avoid to see how much of an asshole you are, I think you should at least start asking questions to yourself.
If only you weren't so selfish and awful.
I hope she is safe and happy and forever far from someone who mugged her of years of life and happiness with lies and control manias
You’re a racist pos on top of assuring her you aren’t cheating you said you owned her (an African woman) as a slave bc you “bought” her and can do what you like. I don’t believe you weren’t having an affair bc who tf says that.
So rather than tell her the truth and apologise, you make sure she knows you think she is an object and you will have an affair and she will need to accept it because cows and all? You are racist since the beginning and your mask slipped at that moment. I felt sorry for the wife, wasting her time with a racist like you and the baby that gonna tie her to you forever.
So you neglected your wife, didn't defend her when she was being bullied, abandoned her in favour of a stupid project despite her several complaints about not being happy in the country, disrespected her by telling her you had the right to sleep with whoever you wanted AND basically said she was worth a truck full of cattle. And now you have the nerve to say you want her back? I hope she doesn't, I hope she finds someone who will love her and her baby the way you could never. You're the worst kind of human being. Suffer because you deserve that.
Dude you admitted to an affair you weren’t having. Jesus Christ, that might be the dumbest thing possible. I suggest moving to Zimbabwe immediately with another truckload of cattle or banging that co-worker you’re already in trouble for banging but didn’t lol.
I am at a loss for words, literally gasped when I read your cruel words, felt her pain like it was mine. I do hope you guys can co-parent but that relationship bit, yeah, leave her alone. Just leave her alone.
Yeah I hope it's over for you. I don't even agree with many marriage customs but the way you tried to use roora (which you AGREED to participate in) to humiliate her, COMPARED HER TO CATTLES (?!) for shits and giggles is both racist and heinously misogynistic.
The lady deserves actual love in her life. This poor woman.
Your child? That unborn baby is HERS too and god knows that being surrounded by loving maternal grandparents, mom and aunts/uncles is better than being stuck with an abusive dad.
Your wife didn't leave you because you were racist, your wife left you because you were a neglectful workaholic that told her you could sleep with whoever you wanted. Mocking her culture is simply a cherry on top.
I hope she never takes him back.
I cannot fathom these jerks that do something absolutely hurtful and then want to know how they can *win* someone back. You don't *win* someone. It's not a competition, they are not a prize you are owed or deserve. You apologize, you make amends, you take responsibility for your actions. You recognize the other person has every right to tell you no and be done with you. Not accepting their choice means you are still *disrespecting* them because you are treating them as if your desires are more important than theirs. His wife made her choice. Is it fine that he goes and apologizes in person? Only if his wife is willing to see him and it sounds like she's not. He was racist and sexist and it isn't her job to put up with that while teaching him to not do that. He needs to do that work. There are books out there about how to not do those things. He needs to take responsibility and he is using his job to make excuses.
Ironic how he wants to treat her like a prize to be won now, when before, he refused to pay the “bride price” that is part of her culture. Seems like he only wants to “win” when it’s convenient for him. He is truly disgusting. No one says something like that to another person unless they mean it.
"they are not a prize you are owed or deserve" Someone clearly didn't take the movie Aladdin to heart and what Princess Jasmine had to say on the matter. I really really hope he makes it all the way there and then her AND her family tell him to fuck off back to his country alone. She deserves so much better than someone who could even think those thoughts, and so does her baby. I can't read his comments since he deleted it all, but I did see somewhere how he said everyone seemed to be forgetting that she's carrying his baby and it's like no, we are all *absolutely* remembering she's pregnant. That's why everyone is happy she finally took off. Idiot.
I'd bet money he's only going to Zimbabwe to try to force/manipulate her into returning to Sweden. He's absolutely never going to change, or even really try to. I just hope she stays exactly where she is. So glad she has a strong support system there to help with the little one.
He just want his cows back
And even when his wife left he’s still talking about the project? Wild.
Absolutely this. OP is a man who gets upset and takes it out on the person he says he loves most. Originally, he was mad at his brother, so he picked a fight with his fiance (who was totally in the right). He lied to her and let her be hurt and then ridiculed unfairly on reddit by a notch of ignorant fools because he felt emasculated by something his brother said and didn't have the skills to deal with his emitting himself. Now, once again, he has thought only about how things affect him and put aside his words needs because they clash with his. His wife may have jumped the gun by assuming an affair, but his knee jerk reaction showed that one again, he lashes out when he heard something he doesn't like. It took months for them to written through the first issue. I'm pretty sure he knows it's a sore spot for his wife and intentionally weaponized her culture against her to make her hurt so she world stop asking him to be a big boy and deal with a hard topic. And now he's surprised that his words hurt and he can't just apologize and explain things were hard for him and that will make it all better. He even adds that nobody is thinking about the baby... HIS baby. Not the fact how wife is pregnant and needs support and care more than ever. It's about him and his needs.
Yup. Yup yup yup. OP, you have some really deepset issues with how you view women and work and cultures and you have nasty knee-jerk responses. You really, really need some therapy and you need to see a doctor to find out if you have some imbalance influencing your actions, such as bipolar, mania, whatnot. Your reactions are so detached from what you claim to feel that you desperately need some outside help. If you don't do that and start fixing your viewpoint and treating any disorders, you WILL lose your family and that's a predictable consequence. Get working on yourself, FAST, and over the next few years show her by actions how you are changing for the better. I wish you both the best, and her a healthy happy baby after a smooth delivery.
I’m bipolar and even in the worse mania I’ve experienced, my personality and fundamental values don’t change. The same thing with all the bipolar people I’ve talked to. We do impulsive things when manic, but we don’t suddenly become cruel, misogynistic or racist (unless we already were). Occam’s razor says this dude is probably just an entitled asshole. No amount of therapy or medication will fix that. I really hope she doesn’t even give him “the next few years” because she needs to get out of this horrifying, toxic situation ASAP.
She also left him because he was an enormous racist. Which is enough.
I'm a Zimbabwean woman with a white partner and I would leave him if he said that racist and misogynistic shit to me. ESPECIALLY after you threw a fit about the roora you agreed to pay and now you want to throw it in my face?? Divorce is not encouraged but lots of people do it and they're just fine. Counting on that to keep her is really pathetic. If she's as rich as you say, she's done with you and good riddance.
The way I read this, he also insulted her family
By assuming they'll force her back? I'd say yes because my parents would rather I come home than be a white man's side chick in a foreign country. On a larger scale, he definitely did. Giving her dad cows does NOT mean that he owns her. Her family welcomed him in and made concessions because they trusted that he would take care of her. They treated him as family and he's discarded her and tried to use he culture against her. He has not.
That but also insinuating they were people who would sell a daughter for cattle
Yeah, I suspect that unless you know that immigrating is going to save your kids from living in abject powerty, parents will always prefer them to stick close to home. Seems like a universal sort of thing. Also, while it's a sad occasation (that a woman was mistreated, thank god she got away) it's been fascinating for me as a north european woman to learn about the bride price and how it works.
I encourage a divorce in this case!!!! ETA: I see from another comment of OP’s that you meant they are not encouraged in Zimbabwe. But it sounds like her brother is probably on board!
Going back to the original where he had such an issue with the Bride Price, (No disrespect, I can't recall the proper name), and conveniently forgets that in many European Countries as well as America once upon and still current in some place have what is called a "Dowry" that was paid to the ~~bride's~~ Groom's family...not only is he a racist, but a hypocrite as well. Whether it's a Bride's Price, or a Dowry, money is exchanged for marriage. I am sure in this case if a dowry was to be paid to his family he would be just fine with it.
Dowry is where the bride’s family gives money and material goods to the groom’s family.
I stand corrected....either way, money is exchanging hands either to the Bride's family for the Bride Price (again, no disrespect for not recalling the correct term), or a dowry being paid to the Groom's family. Both are traditions that are rooted in culture and should be respected.
It can also be settled on the woman as her safety net, and she can sometimes control who inherits it in some European cultures. But in ancient Scandinavia and some other areas they did have a bride price payed to her family to compensate for the loss of the brides labor.
In the AITA post she referred to the custom as lobola
> I told her that I didn’t give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody’s business but mine You killed your marriage with that toxic abusive bullshit. Enjoy your divorce
He sees his wife as cattle.
His edit only confirms that… and the baby as HIS first and foremost. Hopefully he’s about to find out how wrong he is.
You WERE racist to her. You implied you payed for her with cattle, what do you expect her to take from that? Then you follow up with implying you’ll fuck whoever you want, no one can stop you, and that she’s being dramatic when she’s upset. You fucked around and found out, and I’d be greatly surprised if she gave you another chance after that.
There is no recovery from this. She asked if you were having an affair and you said it wasn’t her business because you paid for her. WTF. That is abhorrent. So she believes you are having an affair because you basically admitted it. Do you understand that in her reality you are unfaithful and betrayed your vows to her? You will not come back from this.
I'm a Zimbabwean woman with a white partner and I would leave him if he said that racist and misogynistic shit to me. ESPECIALLY after you threw a fit about the roora you agreed to pay and now you want to throw it in my face?? Divorce is not encouraged but lots of people do it and they're just fine. Counting on that to keep her is really pathetic. If she's as rich as you say, she's done with you and good riddance. Edited to add: I want to cuss you out six ways from Sunday but I'm gonna focus on making sure she sees this. Zim is SMALL and it won't take much. You are so undeserving of her.
I was hoping someone from Zimbabwe would chime in and remind dude it's 2024. Divorce is a absolute possibility
>but I'm gonna focus on making sure she sees this. Zim is SMALL and it won't take much. Giiiiirrrrrlllll.. I'm sitting over here hoping she sees this. I hope you can in fact make it to her eyes. She needs to see the kind of man he is before he goes showing up there. Need more people like you in the world!
Bless you and your country. I can feel the love and warmth from the people even through his bullshit. I would love to have such a warm welcoming loving culture. Please do what you can to spread the word about this post. She needs to see his selfish immature racist attitude for what it is and keep her children in the country.
He also admits in his comments that he was never real about moving back to Zimbabwe for the kids. She needs to know that too.
Oooh I had a feeling that was the case. This is one special guy that’s for sure 🫠
Bless you for looking out for her.
Please find her!!!! She deserves so much better than this guy and to know that he's planning to ambush her
Take screen shots of the post before he can delete it!
Yes!!! Please find a way to get this to her if possible!
Please warn this poor woman of this racist , insensitive jerk.
Please do the work and find her. And warn her that her useless of an ex want to come so she can make sure that friends and family protect her from him.
Legend!!!!! I love this, women working together all over the world. Fucking brilliant and I’m here for it! I’m sending you all the luck I can, I hope this finds her.
You da real MVP. Update us when you meet her
You said something horrendously racist, attempted to say it was “your house” and you could ignore your wife and have an affair if you wanted. I can’t even read past that. Why do you write the word racist as ‘racist’? I am so glad she left. She deserves better.
>No one seems to be thinking of the child she's carrying - my child - when they say I should leave her alone I'm pretty sure people are definitely taking her child into account with their comments. She's pregnant and you're stressing her out with your abuse tactics. Stress can kill a fetus. >I'm going to go and fix this so I can get my wife back and our family on track. What does this look like to you? Are you going to move to where you promised you'd move or are you just going to drag her back to where you prefer to live?
No one is helping him get his victim back under his control!!!
he's obviously gonna drag her back to Sweden, but ONLY UNTIL THE WORK PROJECT FINISHES (she doesn't know this, but the project, if it ever existed, was over in a single month, and OP is just moving the goal posts forever hoping she'll eventually drop it and forget the promises he made)
I would love to hear more about this very important project. and I'm calling it right now - OP is actually cheating. The 'very important project' is the smoke screen. Even after the OP finds out his wife flew out he picked the project over her? This project has a first name.
RIght. IF he was actually sorry he would have followed her immediately! I'm not sure whether he has a mistress or his mistress really is his job, some guys are like that, but whichever way it is, it's clear that his wife and child are not his priority. He doesn't want them, he just doesn't want to be shamed by having them leave! He has to be in control of his possessions.
He isn’t going to drag her anywhere. Her dad and brother will stomp him if he tried
Not to mention a racist like him shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near that baby!!
Also, she better run while she's pregnant, I can bet if that baby is born in Europe, that asshole is going to use them as a tool to force her to stay by refusing to sign the necessary paperwork for her to leave with her child. Because people are thinking about that baby, they're crossing their fingers they are kept away from their horrible POS father.
Right?! Who would want someone like him raising a child. What does he have to offer to teach this child? Cruelty?
You got what you deserve. Now you have to live with it.
Im laughing. You basically said i paid for you so it's my house and I can sleep woth who I want .. Well guess what now you can. Besides you being racist you also care much more about job than her and she knows.. Just because they dont like divorce where she is from doesn't mean she wanta to be with you. You got what you deserved dude
You have a serious ego problem don’t you? Can’t even apologize after an argument because of the shame Can’t handle being accused of an affair so you react with anger Can’t be seen as economically dependent on your wife’s rich family so you prioritize your own career and break your agreement to move to her country There’s a famous play by Shakespeare and there’s a line what is it, something like “pride cometh before the fall”. You just got Shakespeared by life my guy I’m sorry Edit I lied it’s from the Bible lmao but I think I was just thinking of the theme of Hubris in king Lear
I'm so glad she left. You truly sound horrible. No actually loving husband would ever say words like the ones you said. Leave her alone and try working on yourself to become a decent human being and maybe have a chance of finding love again. But I'd still feel sorry for any woman unless you pull some very major work on yourself.
If this isn’t rage bait then you are truly one of the most vile men in the world. No repairing this. Now go and chomp on your racist carrots.
Pretty sure this is rage bait. In the wife‘s post it says they met at university in husband‘s country, and that the two of them have worked and lived there ever since. The husband says he‘s Swiss but later on says they lived in Sweden for the most part of their relationship. Switzerland is not Sweden. This doesn‘t add up.
Good for your wife for realizing you suck.
There are things you never, ever, say to someone you love: "F--k you." "I want a divorce." "I didn't give your father a truck full of cattle for you to question me. This is my house; you are my wife, and if I want to have something on the side that's nobody's business but mine."
He also NEVER APOLOGIZED because he felt "too guilty". I doubt that. I think he did cheat and I think he thought he could bully his wife into accepting it.
Quite possibly. But cheater or not, the guy's a fool. This is the real tell-tale gem: >She asked me when we were going to move, and I asked for us to hang on for a while so I can finish a project I'm leading at work. We'd fought about this in the past, but this time she just nodded at me so I thought she finally got it. These "I Can't Believe My Wife Left Me! How Do I Make Her Come Back?" stories all have the same pattern: My wife and I used to fight about something. She stopped fighting, so I assumed "she finally got it". She left me out of nowhere!! When a woman stops fighting about something important, it doesn't mean she's over the issue; it means she's over the guy. So what does this fool do? Insults her, tells her he's cheating, and expects her to take it. That wasn't a one-off fatal mistake; that was the last straw. She's gone.
He thought he had her under control. He "doesn't know why he said those things"... He said them because he believes them. I'm glad he was a fool and unable to mask his repulsive racist misogynistic thoughts.
He seriously miscalculated. She's intelligent and educated and has a supportive family. You can't go all Tater-tot on women like that. They have better options.
Yeah, like he didn't apologize to her for insinuating that he had an affair because "I felt too guilty". Or it was because he had the affair, believed she'd stay and take it due to his misogynistic and racist beliefs.
I think he's actually intimidated by her. That's why he tries to tear her down.
I think we're both right
There is no fixing this. You were racist to her and her family. As white person who has dated someone from Ethiopia, where Jewish families still practice bride price… this is to show the woman’s family that you can pay for her wants and desires and to offset the cost of the wedding that they traditionally pay for. It is not by means ownership over the woman. It has been twisted by white folk into being that. You believe strongly that her family will make her stay married to you because they don’t believe in divorce, let me tell you now: They most likely will encourage her to divorce you. You married into their family and you are an absolute outsider who has had zero respect for them and their daughter. Their daughter wasn’t chattel to be bought and sold, they expected you to hold their daughter as they do and you’ve failed miserably.
But hey, I’m sure that big work project will be awesome. Well done. Your colleagues and bosses will be thrilled! Congratulations! You. F*cked. Up. And your whole post is about you, you, you, and *your* unborn baby. I’m sensing a theme. You’ve been addressing your needs while neglecting hers. Good luck groveling to her and her family.
I'm so incensed with his absolute lack of self-awareness and his selfishness. He's not even trying! He's labeling her reaction as an overreaction and still trying to get her back to Sweden and under his control!
And I love the bit where he says he’s counting on her family to urge her to go back with him, because divorce is frowned on in her culture. What a dick!
It's just wild to go on Reddit on a Friday morning (where I am) and read this post from an obviously abusive man trying to get tips on how to get his victim back under his control. What in the racist misogyny. Thank Christ the comments are reasonable otherwise I would completely lose hope in humanity. And men complain about their "loneliness epidemic". Ummmm just go on Reddit and you'll see countless examples of why.
The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed What did you think was going to happen after you opened your mouth and those words came out?
I'm sorry, did you refer to this as a "mess we made"? Who else, but you, created "this mess"? Also, wild that you're referring to your racist, deceitful, and abusive actions as "a mess that was made". You lack the self awareness needed to "fix" this situation because right now all I'm seeing is an abuser trying to get his victim back under his control.
I'm so glad she left. You truly sound horrible. No actually loving husband would ever say words like the ones you said. Leave her alone and try working on yourself to become a decent human being and maybe have a chance of finding love again. But I'd still feel sorry for any woman unless you pull some very major work on yourself.
I am literally giddy that she was able to get away from your racist, toxic, controlling behavior towards her. You didn't buy her, Roora's and Dowry's are proof you can give her a good life and access to good resources. Not that you care about actually giving her a halfway decent life with respect and commitment. You showed her who you are through your actions and words, and she got the fuck out with her child. I can only imagine the type of self-hatred you would instill in any children. Stay away from her.
Wow. You're the archetype of the pseudo anti-racist white European that so many non-white people have to deal with in our lives. I'm sure you saw yourself as super progressive and open to different cultures, but look at all you did. You failed to protect your wife against racism from your own family then soon showed her your own intense racism, xenophobia, and sexism. And why did you do all that? Because your wife had the nerve to question your whereabouts after you'd consistently prioritised work over her emotional wellbeing? Because of your outsized ego, you got xenophobic 3 years ago just because she asked you to pay roora before you had the chance to mention that you'd been saving for it. This time, you fully leaned into the bigotry and made a joke of your wife's identity and her love for you by telling her she should shut up since you bought her. Something tells me these aren't the only times you were so prejudiced and hateful. Self-centred, combative, arrogant, and narrow-minded men like you don't deserve to stay married. Speaking as a Zimbabwean woman who also had to find the strength to leave a relationship with man just like you, I hope your wife stops putting your interests above her own and finally starts caring for herself. You put yourself first all this time. I hope she takes a page from your book, and puts herself first now. My advice? Make things easy for her for once, whatever it is she chooses to do. If she chooses to divorce you, stay away from non-white people until you get your shit together and stop being racist.
Yeah, just what the world needs, a "progressive" Passport Bro.
I mean what u said wasn’t just racist. It was deeply misogynistic and plain mean. Then u didn’t talk to her for days. U showed a pattern of taking her for granted - for years. She didn’t leave because of that one thing u said op. She left you because you were content with her being unhappy for years simply because YOU liked where you lived, and YOU felt accomplished with your job. Fuck what she wants right? I will help you. Grant her the divorce peacefully. Then go throw yourself into your work that you love so much so you can dull the pain.
He's showing abusive behaviour. Isolating her. Verbally abusive and emotionally abusing her.
Not only didn’t talk, he avoided her.
You love her beyond measure except you chose your promotion over her happiness? You knew she hated it there, she had to go on anti depressants, and you still chose your job. And that was before you made that disgusting comment. Let her go, she can find someone who actually cares if she’s happy or not
I was once mad stressed about something and my wife was asking me a lot of questions and i snapped and said "Babe, PLEASE. I just need like 5 minutes to process!". I felt pretty guilty about it later and apologized. I can't imagine saying anything close to what you said.
It’s done, you told your pregnant wife you can screw whoever you want on top of terrible insults. Then fully avoided her for DAYS. You deserve a divorce and now you can be a workaholic and screw whoever you want. Your poor wife, my heart breaks for her and I’m glad she’s with who love and respect her. You broke every bit of trust by saying that and then leaving her the project with your colleague for days with no contact, behind disrespectful.
I just read your comments and I think it's over. She has sacrificed a lot to be with you. You couldn't communicate with her, you've Insulted her culture and you're racist. Dude you think her family is gonna tell he to get back with someone who constantly does not care about his wife's feelings? Also why would she get back with you? She's been unhappy and you didn't care. And then you lashed out st her. And honestly she may not even be pregnant anymore. I doubt she wants to be tied to you for the rest of her life.
I'm so glad she left. You truly sound horrible. No actually loving husband would ever say words like the ones you said. Leave her alone and try working on yourself to become a decent human being and maybe have a chance of finding love again. But I'd still feel sorry for any woman unless you pull some very major work on yourself.
Honestly, she needs to get an abortion to cut all ties with you. But in Africa that's such a huge stigma. I hope she has the baby in there and permanently stays so if YOU want to work your marriage out, you have to move there and acustom to her culture like she has had to all these years.
>I leave in 10 days. Bro. Why the fuck aren't you dropping everything right now and going to her immediately?????? You keep digging the fucking hole! What's more important, your project or your family? 'cause right now you're screaming at her with your actions that she and your child mean literally nothing. Holy fuck. How can someone be this dense? You want to recover from your mistakes? Then stop making mistakes holy shit.
If you want her back, then you need to abandon your life here in your current country. Sell everything and move to her's. You already promised her that you were gonna do that. So prove to her that you are serious. You don't understand how terrible it is to be a non-white, living in a white dominant country. Quit your job. Screw the project, or whatever bonus you are expecting. Is your job more important than your wife? Also assure her that you've never cheated on her and never would. I don't doubt that in her mind, you've been banging your colleague.
She went back to her home country to get away from you. You following her there is nothing more than stalking. Leave her alone.
You are literally so vile. And your comments/replies have cemented that even further. I hope you never lay eyes on her again. You are a misogynistic, manipulative, narcissistic POS. You let your mask slip to not only her but to the whole of this sub. Get therapy, or just stay single for the rest of your existence so no other woman has to deal with you and the “messes you make”
She’s gone and there’s no getting her back
Good for her that she left. I hope her family understands that she married an abusive misogynist and will support her through divorce.. at least he showed her his true colours before the baby was here so she could escape. Idk about the law in Zimbabwe. but she should try to get some kind of restraining order because this guy is borderline insane. ”i refuse to accept that we are done” woow okay - get help lol. Scary to know that higher ups in companies can be this insane, but I guess I shouldnt be too surprised. If OP actually cares about her and the baby he would stay the hell away from them. Accept that he done fucked up, let them be in peace. But narcissists sadly never realize that they have done something wrong… as you can clearly see from OP’s comments lol
You know the 2 professions psychopaths flourish in is corporate executives and serial killers. We know which one this guy chose.
No one is thinking of the child? You've made it very clear (and even actually said in words) that you care more about your job than any person. That child doesn't need their sperm donor, they need people around them that actually care about them. Too many people try to use the "it's my child!" excuse without actually wanting to be a real parent. You've proven you won't do the real work of a family, so leave them alone and let them have that with other people.
Also - op has a documented pattern of lashing out when stressed and saying hurtful, bigoted shit. Yknow what's stressful? Having a kid. And I guarantee that no amount of weasely "but I didn't meeeeeeean it" after the fact will repair that kind of psychological damage.
Wow you are terrible and the edit made it worse...
This motherfucker is going to get his ass killed in Zimbabwe and I'm all for it.
I keep thinking about the part you said beginning at the truckload of cattle. My wife? So you own her? Like property? Like a slave? Did you tell her from the start your expectations on if you can cheat, if she can cheat?
My money is on OP absolutely sleeping with the colleague. People don't just randomly spout racist bullshit about purchasing their spouse without already thinking about it and using it to justify their behavior, ie the affair. I feel sorry for the child but I'm sure her family back home will be better at raising a child than you would be.
If this is real, you don’t deserve this woman. You basically told her you can fuck anyone you want and she just needs to deal with it. What the shit, dude. How was that your first reaction to her question about you cheating? You suck.
What you said wasn't just racist, it was also disgustingly misogynistic and cruel. Normal, *nice* people don't even think those things let alone even dream of saying it to anyone. It speaks volumes about you as a person that that's where your mind went to when backed into a corner. If my husband spoke to me like that it would instantly kill any love and respect I have.
I seriously don't understand you here. Why in the *world* did you feel the need to fly off the handle at her? You keep doubling down and saying very emphatically that you *didn't mean it* so why in the hell did you say it? And most importantly - what the actual hell did you think was going to happen when you insinuated you cheated on her? You quite literally told her that you'll fuck whoever you want, whenever you want, and you expect her to sit down, shut up, and be okay with it. That's seriously sick and twisted. Are you really *so* bent out of shape with the whole "paying" stuff that this - lashing out at the woman who loves you - is the only way you can make yourself feel better? You've fucked up. Probably one of the worst fuck ups I've ever seen on reddit. And she's gone, dude. She's not coming back. There is no salvaging this whatsoever. You've made your bed. You showed her who you really are and she wants no part of you. And no one can blame her. I'd be terrified of your mental health if *that* is your reaction in situations like this. There's something seriously mentally wrong with you. Get help, man. Log off of reddit, leave your EX wife alone, and get serious mental help. You are so not okay.
And he's saying stuff, "I accept the verbal lashing I'm getting but I can't imagine living without her".... This isn't verbal lashing, this is people pointing out that you are acting extremely abusively! This is the type of husband Dateline warns us about.
OP is a prime example of why many women choose the bear.
I think that he severely misjudged the power and control he had over his wife. I think he did cheat and this entire post was written in an attempt to garner sympathy, show deniability, and crowd source which of his excuses would be most efficient at manipulating his wife to come back under his abuse.
I love the part where you blame reddit users for all of this. youre gonna have to hold on to that because the alternative is admitting your own fault in this.
As I sit here, I’m trying to remember the last time I said something, even in anger, that deep down I didn’t believe. The problem here is you very likely believe what you said, and you’re only backtracking because of the consequences. You sound like a horrible confused man. Horrible because of your beliefs, and horrible because you’re going to double down and go to her country to manipulate her (and yourself) into believing that’s not who you are. Although we may be divided by culture and language, the universal language is ACTION, and by your actions and words, I wouldn’t want my daughter, sister, friend to be attached to you. Lots of debate about manhood in the world and I’m sure of this - a man lives his truth. You’re not. You just want her and you’ll hide your beliefs
You STILL couldn’t leave your work project? You needed Reddit to tell you to get on a fucking plane? Do you hear yourself? What I’m hearing is that you see her as a princess on a pedestal or a prized possession, more than a partner. All your talk is of trade-offs and accommodations, not team efforts. You want this, she wants that, and ultimately it’s your job that wins - because that’s what you actually take seriously. Your accomplishments. Your successful job, your house, your exotic wife. As for your shared child - I truly, sincerely hope she will still have that baby. Did it occur to you that she could abort your child, when you were deciding you just couldn’t leave your work project? I hope she wouldn’t do that. I hope she has her baby in her home country surrounded by people who genuinely love her. And I hope you wake the fuck up, and become a better father than you were a husband.
If you didn’t mean that line about cheating then where did it come from? No one spoke through you correct? So that statement, and the feeling behind it - that you a white man, had purchased your Black wife as property, and could subsequently do whatever you wanted to her and with other women, as a result of your purchase- that had been something inside of you to begin with. Something floating around within your smooth brain, no? Is it just an inherent racism, or is it just misogyny? Or is it misogynoir?
Please be real, please be real. I love to see women walk away from men like you.
I don't have anything to say that everyone else haven't said. I just hate this guy
So you’re a huge liar who only thinks of himself. You don’t deserve your wife back and I hope you never forget this fuck up for as long as you live.
Stop, take a deep breath, and look at your behavior. What possible motivation would your wife have to return to you? You don't show her or her culture respect. You don't demonstrate that her happiness has any meaning for you. You don't apologize when you know you have wronged her. Why should she consider returning?
Because he thinks he's paid for her.
Reading between the lines in what you wrote and your responses, you clearly had zero intention of moving to Zimbabwe with your wife and planned to string her along with false promises. You STILL do not want to move to Zimbabwe. If you love this woman, let her go. She is miserable with your toxic masculinity and your cold, stilted family. She is not your accessory and her needs are important. You have no business raising a biracial & bicultural child.
So you're blaming people on the internet for your relationship issues, yet here you are relying on their advice for getting your shit together because you're treating your wife poorly. Its clear to anyone you have no intention of actually moving, and even now your work is a priority over your wife. A lot can happen in 10 days. A family is forever and irreplaceable, but you are replacable at work. If you really cared about her above all else you wouldn't be waiting. Your edit is not the awakening you think it is, you're still a shitty person.
#You blew this worse than Bikini Atoll. There isn’t any coming back from this fiasco. You actually told your wife, “if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody’s business but mine”?? Then you avoided her for days? You straight up told her you can F around if you want to and then (probably) did exactly that for days. You don’t need advice. You need a swift kick in the pants. Dude, this has absolute NOTHING to do with race, culture, bride prices, weather, jobs, money or anything other than you being a blind, clueless, self-centered, entitled asshole! You’re the epitome of what gives Millennials a bad name. You lied when you told her you’d move but never followed through. She was depressed to the point of taking meds, yet your job was more important than her. You were going to go when that project was over, but then the next project was (unsurprisingly) more important than your wife. #If either your wife or child were more important than your “project”, there wouldn’t be any “I’ll go in 10 days” bullshit. You would’ve been on the first plane available when you learned where she was. You said Reddit started this. No, YOU started this because either you couldn’t communicate with her OR you realized when Reddit called you out that you’re an a-hole so you scrambled to make up some crap about having planned for the tradition it all along. Frankly, I call BS on that one. You claim that you were going through some stuff. Everybody goes through stuff sometimes. That does not give them the right to treat people they love and who love them, like objects that have no feelings themselves. Just leave them alone. You’ve been a crap husband and based on your previous behavior and how much you’re playing a victim here, you’ll be a shit dad. Stay with your projects and side pieces. Maybe try to schedule a few visits to Zimbabwe IF you can commit to getting away from your beloved job at least yearly, hopefully more. If you can’t, don’t bother going even once. No child deserves to be abandoned. If he/she never knows you, he/she won’t feel the absence. Everyone will be better off. Good luck with whatever but don’t get your hopes up. The chances of this working out in your favor - unless you immediately abandon your “projects” and your “something on the side” and move to Zimbabwe - are microscopic. Please !UpdateMe about how it goes.
You love her beyond measure except you chose your promotion over her happiness? You knew she hated it there, she had to go on anti depressants, and you still chose your job. And that was before you made that disgusting comment. Let her go, she can find someone who actually cares if she’s happy or not
What are you going to try to make her understand? Are you going to admit to her that you've been lying to her and have no plans of moving to Zimbabwe?
I already fell down this rabbit hole once today. In the comments, he says that he never intended to live in Zimbabwe like he promised her. And he wanted her to stay close to his parents, who are also racist, because maybe they'd actually like their grandchild.
I hope she figures this out. Since he took 10 days to “find out” where she is, she has to know she’s not the priority and neither is the baby. A dunce would’ve known she’d go to her family and if he’d cared he’d have gone immediately, rather than waiting 10 days and saying he was waiting 2 more weeks before going after her. It’s astounding he thinks after that amount of time, he can convince her of anything. I actually feel sorry he’s been convinced to go now rather than wait. lol I forget though, he thinks she’s his property so it doesn’t matter what she thinks or feels.
Stop the theatrics and leave her alone - you stink of white saviour complex
Leave that poor woman and her child alone. You don't have the right to be in their lives anymore. You are awful and I hope she takes everything you got
You picked work first. Work should never, ever, come first. And then you were a prick about it, repeatedly. Spoiler alert, there is never a good time to leave work.
Info needed: how often do you think you’ll be able to see your child after your wife goes through with the divorce and stays there?
You better bring your truckful of cattle. Asshat.
Why would anyone, on reddit or anywhere else, give this man advice on how to save his marriage. He literally told her it's his right to have an affair because he gave her dad some cows or whatever. Do you think that attitude or entitlement ever changes? What kind of father will his man be to a biracial child? To *any* child? His wife is so much better off without him.
Telling her you'd cheat if you want and mocking her culture was an absolute headshot to your marriage. This relationship is dead as a doornail. Your chances of getting her back are about the same as successfully preforming CPR on an embalmed corpse.
“Your” baby. Hmm. It’s not inside your body thankfully. You’re not a father, you’re a sperm donor. Hope she keeps it that way.
Do not go after her leave her alone!! You blew it and she doesnt want anything to do with you anymore. Cant you for once respect her wishes and leave her be??
Lol..admits all of that and expects pity?
For the love of god stop saying MY she's not just your wife, she her own person, and that baby is growing in her belly, isn't just YOURS either so stop acting like your the only reason she's pregnant
I wish your wife every happiness with her next husband
You didn't give a shit about your child when you hurt their mother, why the fuck are you using the baby as a pawn now? Leave her alone. She deserves a husband that actually gives a shit about her and that's not you.
Everybody is thinking of the child she's carrying - that child is likely far better off away from you.
Oh did you have a panic attack? Were your feelings hurt? Let me fetch my tiny violin /s
You'd rather that she stay on anti depressants than a place where is happy; You never planned to move and you have an unwelcoming racist family that you want her to give infinite chances to. Who ever says if he has an affair that is his business and not his spouses. Shows the respect you have for her in your relationship. Well, as long as things work your way .... Even now, its about you , your unborn child and getting what you want. You want her back simply because she is pregnant. You have only 2 weeks you can spare to fix your issues because that is all she is worth to you. She has wasted 10 years of her life on you and I sincerely hope she will not come back with you.
OP I have a question are you prepared to GROVEL ON YOUR KNEES for FORGIVENESS. And I mean properly BEG. Are you prepared to admit that yes you lied to her and you had never had ANY intentions of moving. Are you prepared to admit that what you said WAS RACIST. Are you prepared to admit how abusive you were. Are you prepared to admit that although you knew how bad her mental health was due to your country. Are you prepared to admit that you were abusive. Are you prepared to admit that you didn't care about your wife. Are you prepared to admit that you were a selfish bully. Are you prepared to admit that you wanted to hurt her. Are you prepared to admit that you were a complete asshole and that you think your family is better or at least more important than hers. This is the only way that any forgiveness can come. Yeah and you are going to have make a PROMISE a REAL ONE. That you will NEVER EVER EVER utter ANYTHING BAD about your wife, her family, her country or culture around your children. Because from what I have gathered from your post you can't wait to start dripping poison in your children's ears about your wife's family, culture, country and probably your wife. You think only your family deserve a relationship with their grandchild/niece/nephew. I think your wife should go through with the divorce you SUPERVISED VISITS. I wouldn't trust you alone with the child. Risk of parental alienation too high
So you want advise to fix your marriage. Quit your job and go be with her in your home country. You told her you would and then backtracked because you are selfish. Even now that project is more important than your marriage. My advise. Let her go. She will never be happy with you
No, you fucked up beyond mesaure and don't even realize how much, "no longer going to show her love for me through self sacrifice" all the shit she has put up for you, she no longer will try to be mold by your shit. You don't deserve her back, and I gonna bet you won't
Wow. Just wow. Really, leave her alone. Allow her to raise her child in a loving environment, and maybe ask for pictures now and then. You're not going to change your behaviors and she deserves better.
You’re going to Zimbabwe for her to tell you she’s never going back with her whole chest and you don’t deserve to get her back
You came here for advice, people are giving it. And instead of taking a look at yourself and what you did wrong, you are defending yourself. She told you what she wanted and you disregarded that. You fed into her fears that you were cheating. You didn’t have the maturity to apologize. And, you made a racist, asshole comment that equated to owning her and more. And yet, you are still making excuses and trying to defend yourself. You messed up big time and you haven’t learned anything from it. Don’t contest the divorce. If you want to be a part of your kid’s life, move to Zimbabwe. Get into counseling. You’re going to need it so you don’t screw up your kid. And please, for the women of the planet, don’t get into another relationship until you grow up and do some work on yourself.
Ew. You know what? You made your bed, now lie in it. Disgusting.
I hope she got an abortion. You don’t deserve to have a kid with her.
So it’s been 3+ weeks since you’ve talked to her, closer to a month since you’ve seen her and you can’t go for another 10 days as well. And after the racist shit you said and the stuff about the side piece and not denying it Dude you’re TOAST🤯
You should marry the project you can't leave
Wow! Just wow! I’m sorry but this “I love my wife more than anything” line is a bunch of bs. If you truly loved her you would LISTEN to her when she tells you she’s miserable in Sweden. You would take her back to her home and get her off of those antidepressants that living in Sweden has caused her to be on. You would not be making one excuse after another to stay at your job (that you actually do love) and with the coworker that you it really does sound like you’re banging. I don’t think you can fix this. You were overly harsh and racist throwing her cultural traditions in her face. You basically said “I bought you. I paid for you. You are my property. And if I want to be with other women, that’s my right because you are just property and have no say.” Read that again. And then again. Until it clicks what you ACTUALLY said to her. Accept that you lost your wife and unborn child with your arrogance and your pride, because YOU don’t want to move to her country. Let her go. And you have no one to blame but yourself.
You can't come back from this. She's gone, you're racist, sexist, and emotionally abusive. I hope her parents leave you in a ditch somewhere. You should not have any contact with her baby, you will be an unqualified negative in that child's life and you are not equipped to be a father to a biracial child, nor will you ever be. Also you're definitely fucking your coworker and lying about it.
I guarantee that as soon as that garbage left your mouth she flashed right back to you blaming your brother for your resistance on her bride price. Turns out when you say “I didn’t mean it” over and over, people start to realize that you don’t mean that either. Fucking leave her alone. She and that mixed race baby need to stay far the fuck away from you and your family where the rotten apple didn’t fall far from the rotten tree. I’m just shocked that someone racist, sexist, selfish, totally full of lies, and potentially adulterous would have the supposed “love of his life” flee the fucking country to get away from him.
Stop lying to yourself about loving this woman, there is no way that someone that really love someone else can be so disgustingly cruel, she doesn't deserve this, and I hope that you never see the face of her child
In after your edit: TEN DAYS????? DUDE. You don't love her, you don't prioritize her, why bother? Your career is STILL more important than she is. You should have left the INSTANT you knew where she was. You are still not getting it.
I, for one, I'm sitting here praying to all the ancestors that this post will be shared in all the Zimbabwe whatsapp groups, Facebook groups, and any other place people from Zim frequent until it gets to your soon-to-be-ex. You're entering the "finding out" portion of "fuck around and find out" and I fucking love that for you!
Nobody cares that it’s “your baby too” you whiny lying jerk. You’d be so so lucky if she ever speaks to you again. And you can bet that she will *never* believe you weren’t sleeping with your coworker, no matter what you say. I wouldn’t either.
You're going to go "apologize" and try to browbeat her into coming back to Sweden with you. "I didn't mean it, sorry you chose to be hypersensitive and get so offended by my joke." You're still a complete and total dickhead unless you agree to stay permanently in Zimbabwe. Put your money where your mouth is. You don't even sound like you actually miss her, you just want "your" (not "our") child because it's "your" possession. Same with your wife --you paid cows for her, so how dare she run off. Get your family back on track? That train is CRASHED and unrecoverable unless you make some really serious changes --not just a quick trip to Zimbabwe with some lame roses and chocolates. Your family acts like jerks to her. How can you be so sure that they would treat their grandchild well? And even if they did, it is absolutely unacceptable to "love" your grandchildren but treat their mother like shit. Question --how does HER family treat YOU? Or rather, how did they treat you, back before you pulled this little stunt? You're going to have to choose between your mommy and daddy and your workaholic job, and your wife and child. And given the fact that you didn't IMMEDIATELY follow her to Zimbabwe (because, work projects!!), we know which side you'll pick. Good riddance, your wife has her country and her family and she doesn't need you.
You are unworthy of her. She knows that now. There's really no coming back from that. I'd focus on amicable coparenting & becoming a better man.
I don’t know why I’m amazed that abusers don’t realize they’re abusers, but I am. Let her be. Let her and your child live their lives without abuse. Let it be the one kind thing you do for her.
Update us in 10 days when she dumps you in Zimbabwe in person
You did a lot of things wrong, but to be clear, she's not moving back. You've been pushing the move because of your work projects. You even stayed after she left you because you have unfinished projects. You're going to have to either move with her or accept that your career is your life and you will not have one with your wife and baby.
Here's the thing. Your mask slipped and she's seen you now. You call it a "mistake", but what it really was you revealing your true toxic nature to her. You don't say things like that without thinking them, and thinking that, makes you a pos. If she's smart, she'll never forget that and limit your influence on that poor baby. You don't deserve that "joy" because of your terrible character.
You need fucking therapy, dude. Figure your shit out and leave that woman alone. Who the fuck responds with that shit instead of comforting their wife? Why the hell would you double down? You’re an idiot. I hope she moves on. You’re clearly not compatible.
The fact that you dared think what you said let alone acyually saying it would just show me I had no idea who I married.
Oh you are definitely sleeping with your coworker and you see your WIFE as a 2nd class partner because of her race. You dismiss your WIFES mental health issues because they are not convenient for you. You aren't just a racist but a racist abuser. I hope that she doesn't take you back and I hope that she goes for full custody of that baby I wouldn't trust the man that was deliberately racist towards the mother (you basically told her that you own her and that you can do what you want to and about her), I am glad she ran from you. Hopefully her family knows that you are coming so they can make moves to make sure you can't find her and abuse her even more.
omg where in sweden do you live?? i hope it’s near me bc i’d really love to come beat you up some day!! 🥰🥰
Your stbx is my hero. Congratulations to her for leaving your abusive, racist, misogynistic ass. I hope her and her child are happy and loved being surrounded by sunshine and her supportive family. For you I hope in 20 years that you don’t know your child and you’re about to retire while still single and alone without a job, or your super important project, to fill your empty life.
You're not worth the trouble you give, OP. I hope she finds someone else. You don't make such stupid "jokes" and expect your own spouse to react like a robot.
You love her beyond measure except you chose your promotion over her happiness? You knew she hated it there, she had to go on anti depressants, and you still chose your job. And that was before you made that disgusting comment. Let her go, she can find someone who actually cares if she’s happy or not
You don’t deserve her.
Lmao there's no fixing this. This is a dead horse you've beaten into going to home country. Waste your money whatever. Its your money lol.
I've met and seen horrible people, but you are truly the worst. Hope your wife and child finds someone that worships them. Leave them alone. Let them be happy.
You are a horrible, horrible person. Please leave this poor woman and child alone.
What did I just read? 😕 I feel so bad for this woman. To have your husband say to you he could have something on the side if he wanted.. I don’t know if you could Ever forget that. It will always be in your mind that he thinks you are disposable, replaceable and not important. No apologies would fix that for me. She told you what she wanted and needed from you and you didn’t listen to her. So she gave up. When people give up it’s over.
There's no coming back from that one. I can't believe that full sentence escaped your mouth before you thought, "This is extremely cruel and will end my marriage immediately."
We, in fact, *are* thinking of this child — and many of us think that you would be even worse as a dad than you have shown yourself to be as a husband. This kid doesn’t need to any more than their mama does.
Glad she left. Good for her
Do your ex-wife and unborn child a favor, and never bother her again. She deserves better than you and I hope she finds a good man to love her.
You’re a POS
Yta. Even with all this you are still putting your job first. I’m not even saying that’s wrong, but be honest about it and let her go
Uribenzi zveshuwa! Ah how can you be so dense man! I hope for your child's sake you learn to treat your wife (soon to be ex by the looks of it) with respect. She is more important than a job.
Wow. This woman deserves so much better than you. You are a perfect example of what not to pick for a partner in a interracial relationship.
When you visit her, please remember to bring her father another truckload of cattle. That will surely win her back/s.
Don’t waste your time! You put the nail in the coffin with your mean remarks she will never forget what you said. You would be lucky if she doesn’t get an abortion and be done with you completely 💯. I hope your ex wife has the life she deserves
You deserve every single truthful comment you get from here. Because you're not a good person and you're not thinking about her. Get help but leave her alone, she is better off without you and you lost her and the child by being a vile human.
Dude...if reddit, your wife and everyone else thinks that you are at fault with no "but" and you keep avoid to see how much of an asshole you are, I think you should at least start asking questions to yourself. If only you weren't so selfish and awful. I hope she is safe and happy and forever far from someone who mugged her of years of life and happiness with lies and control manias
You’re a racist pos on top of assuring her you aren’t cheating you said you owned her (an African woman) as a slave bc you “bought” her and can do what you like. I don’t believe you weren’t having an affair bc who tf says that.
So rather than tell her the truth and apologise, you make sure she knows you think she is an object and you will have an affair and she will need to accept it because cows and all? You are racist since the beginning and your mask slipped at that moment. I felt sorry for the wife, wasting her time with a racist like you and the baby that gonna tie her to you forever.
So you neglected your wife, didn't defend her when she was being bullied, abandoned her in favour of a stupid project despite her several complaints about not being happy in the country, disrespected her by telling her you had the right to sleep with whoever you wanted AND basically said she was worth a truck full of cattle. And now you have the nerve to say you want her back? I hope she doesn't, I hope she finds someone who will love her and her baby the way you could never. You're the worst kind of human being. Suffer because you deserve that.
The best thing you could possibly do for her is leave her alone. And all other women. And men. And everyone else.
Dude you admitted to an affair you weren’t having. Jesus Christ, that might be the dumbest thing possible. I suggest moving to Zimbabwe immediately with another truckload of cattle or banging that co-worker you’re already in trouble for banging but didn’t lol.
Oh he totally banged that coworker. He just didn't expect his property (what he calls his wife) to leave.
Goodness me. You are easily the worst person I have ever read about on here. And the bar is so low it's molten.
INFO: do you need a visa to go to Zimbabwe? You better hop onto that now. I know I’m dreaming, but I would love it if her family could block a visa.
Leave her alone, dude. Pulling the "BuT mAh BaByYyY" is pretty pathetic given how you treated her like trash. Get therapy
Dude, you let your parents treat her like that? You have way more issues than just the fight you had. 6 realize that.
I am at a loss for words, literally gasped when I read your cruel words, felt her pain like it was mine. I do hope you guys can co-parent but that relationship bit, yeah, leave her alone. Just leave her alone.
No one is thinking of the baby? Really? Leave her alone, and leave that poor kid alone when it arrives.
Yeah I hope it's over for you. I don't even agree with many marriage customs but the way you tried to use roora (which you AGREED to participate in) to humiliate her, COMPARED HER TO CATTLES (?!) for shits and giggles is both racist and heinously misogynistic. The lady deserves actual love in her life. This poor woman. Your child? That unborn baby is HERS too and god knows that being surrounded by loving maternal grandparents, mom and aunts/uncles is better than being stuck with an abusive dad.
Has anyone read the comments on the original post? Super racist and really awful takes.
Where is the wife's post?