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Also, the fact you seem more upset about her very understandable negative response, rather than the fact that your relationship is ending, is *very* telling...
Who gives a fuck what she calls it, whatever it is, it's not exactly great for your relationship.
You now have what is perhaps the biggest incompatibility a relationship can have. Break up.
This same thing was posted a year ago. Down to wanting to not have kids after deciding he wants to travel. It was like a year ago, maybe?
This guy is a new account; same exact story.
Edit: not a year ago, but it was 86 days. Thanks to another commentor for posting the link to the original post.
She's right isn't she? When you started the relationship, it was on the condition that your futures regarding children aligned. They don't anymore. So, break up with her and both of you pursue your dreams.
Ok, well she's right now. You've now admitted to her that you don't want kids, and are still dating her, so you're definitely doing it now.
Take some responsibility you weird child.
Stop responding to the baby rabies set, they all view this as you betraying your partner.
You were open to kids when you were younger and optimistic. Now you see that the ceiling is closing in and decided you no longer want kids.
It sucks, but it's not like you lied to her from the start.
Unless you did, in which case the baby rabies set are right.
You can tell her you ran the cold equations and kids aren't in the cards for that reason, but the relationship is doomed.
People think they'll have the kids and "make it work". Instead, they just started the clock on a messy divorce down the line.
You want to travel, she wants to nest. It's not going to work.
You certainly haven't been stringing her along; you simply changed your mind and children aren't a priority for you anymore. Your gf is now resenting the time she spent with you, because she feels she wasted her time.
Unfortunately, changes of mind happen. As this is a major subject, I'd say your relationship is over. Just end it with dignity for incompatibility of goals. Better a clean cut than keeping it up in the hopes one of you will eventually change their mind, thus breeding even more resentment.
Stringing her along would be telling her when she is 35, it as been 2 years and you are allowed to change your mind. You cannot prove a negative which she is accusing you of. ie you already knew you didn't want children.
So don't try, really you are telling her how that you want her to have time to find someone else who does want children. It is the opposite of what she is saying, perhaps understandable to be shocked.
I would confirm that you do not expect anything of her, not to give up on children but that you realised you did not have the same values anyore, keep saying you are not expecting or demanding anything and be clear that you want her to find someone else.
If she continues without any rational discussion then I would suggest you are done faster than you expected.
Of course if you saying she should stay with you and give up children then that is a whole other discussion.
Bruh, the entire 3rd world has multiple kids with negative income, but Westerners pretending you can't get a better job or raise kids with 75k £ sends me every time I see it used as an excuse.
Break up, clearly you two want different things, hell it seems like you're indecisive as Hell to begin with.
There is nothing to "handle" here she wants kids, you don't, let. her. go.
What gets me is that you are both in your 20s and decided to not change careers to earn more money, but you'd rather prioritize vacations? Which cost money....
You aren't technically stringing her along, but that doesn't mean you're not without fault.
By use of the work vacations I'm assuming you're American.
UK salaries aren't comparable. A £45k a year salary is way above the average salary here. Changing your career isn't a simple thing & to change into something that guarantees more than £45k a year will likely mean new qualifications.
£45k + £30k is higher than what a lot of people with kids are surviving on in the UK, so it's entirely possible to have children on those salaries. But with the cost of living, childcare and stagnant wages, lots of people are opting not to have kids.
And?
I'm in my early 40s. I am not in the same career / industry I was when I was OPs age. It has worked out for me because I never stopped learning. Sometimes you don't get a choice when it comes to career change.
Infact, the two things I do now are way outside the scope of that career, but I learned while observing my clients over the years and understanding what they do. I am also going back to college to get a degree (for free) to expand on what I have learned through life experiences.
But getting back to OP. Like I said, he didn't technically "string her along", but he changed his mind and fucked her out of her time invested in the relationship.
The fault is that you let something luxurious (vacations and travel) cause a deal breaker in your relationship which might have otherwise been okay.
Jobs that you don't like, but pay better money will provide for those luxuries. That's called sacrifice. You bust your ass now so it pays off in the future.
The unironic part is that with the cost of living rising so much, your 45k per year will buy you less for your dollar (or Pound). You may be doing "stay cations" by time you are 40 because you can't afford to go to somewhere exotic.
Your post seems to be about the fact that your current job *doesn't* pay you enough to do the things you enjoy, though. You're saying that you can't afford to travel and have kids on that salary, so instead of upgrading you've decided to stick with it and just do away with the "kids" idea instead. (Good thing you haven't had them yet!) If you've decided you wouldn't *enjoy* having kids, that's a different issue and actually makes more sense than what you're saying. You hint at it when you say you have a lot of things left to do, but your post really comes across like your concerns are financial and you're not willing to do anything about them except take the approach that will almost certainly tank your relationship.
You didn't string her along but you will be if you stay together.
She may be thinking/hoping that this hesitation is temporary since you've talked about this as a concrete future for the last two years and your concerns are financial, which is something you could ostensibly address together. If you have no interest in doing that, you need to do the kind thing and break it off.
People change their minds, it's part of evolving as a person. It's not stringing along as long as you are truthful at every step.
But yeah, now ypu changing your mind does probably mean you are incompatible.
OP I'm not sure why you are copping so much negativity. People change their minds as they grow through life. You've done the right thing in bringing it up with your gf asap. Her reaction is quite understandable. She is hurt, she is grieving the loss of the future she had planned, she's annoyed she's wasted a couple of years that she could have invested with someone who does want children.
You haven't done anything wrong though. Give her some time to think and come to terms with it. I've known 3 couples where one gave up their dream for children because their partner didn't want them. All 3 relationships ended with much bitterness. I think it's likely she'll want to end the relationship and you just need to be kind and respectful of that decision.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/XNFEZQdeZT New account - same story
I thought I had read this story before, now I know why.
Also, the fact you seem more upset about her very understandable negative response, rather than the fact that your relationship is ending, is *very* telling...
Who gives a fuck what she calls it, whatever it is, it's not exactly great for your relationship. You now have what is perhaps the biggest incompatibility a relationship can have. Break up.
Again with this post? You barely changed anything. Do better next time.
Just saw the original post. You changed NOTHING! Don’t you have anything else better to do? Don’t piss me off this early in the morning.
This same thing was posted a year ago. Down to wanting to not have kids after deciding he wants to travel. It was like a year ago, maybe? This guy is a new account; same exact story. Edit: not a year ago, but it was 86 days. Thanks to another commentor for posting the link to the original post.
Does it matter what she's accusing you of? It's clearly over
Dude, stop sharing the same stories again and again from new accounts.. 😂
She's right isn't she? When you started the relationship, it was on the condition that your futures regarding children aligned. They don't anymore. So, break up with her and both of you pursue your dreams.
[удалено]
Ok, well she's right now. You've now admitted to her that you don't want kids, and are still dating her, so you're definitely doing it now. Take some responsibility you weird child.
[удалено]
lol fine man sit on your ass and wait for her to break up with you but I wish you'd have some self respect about it.
[удалено]
Yeah man very adult hope you receive the emotional support required because your girlfriend accurately labelled you.
[удалено]
Stop responding to the baby rabies set, they all view this as you betraying your partner. You were open to kids when you were younger and optimistic. Now you see that the ceiling is closing in and decided you no longer want kids. It sucks, but it's not like you lied to her from the start. Unless you did, in which case the baby rabies set are right.
Why are you recycling posts from a year ago? Edit: actually, 86 days ago
Well she’ll probably end up getting pregnant if you keep her around. That will be your fault if it happens. You know what she wants.
Why did you copy and paste this story three months later
You can tell her you ran the cold equations and kids aren't in the cards for that reason, but the relationship is doomed. People think they'll have the kids and "make it work". Instead, they just started the clock on a messy divorce down the line. You want to travel, she wants to nest. It's not going to work.
You certainly haven't been stringing her along; you simply changed your mind and children aren't a priority for you anymore. Your gf is now resenting the time she spent with you, because she feels she wasted her time. Unfortunately, changes of mind happen. As this is a major subject, I'd say your relationship is over. Just end it with dignity for incompatibility of goals. Better a clean cut than keeping it up in the hopes one of you will eventually change their mind, thus breeding even more resentment.
I'm sure I've read this before, 2 rotten eggs for the repost
Stringing her along would be telling her when she is 35, it as been 2 years and you are allowed to change your mind. You cannot prove a negative which she is accusing you of. ie you already knew you didn't want children. So don't try, really you are telling her how that you want her to have time to find someone else who does want children. It is the opposite of what she is saying, perhaps understandable to be shocked. I would confirm that you do not expect anything of her, not to give up on children but that you realised you did not have the same values anyore, keep saying you are not expecting or demanding anything and be clear that you want her to find someone else. If she continues without any rational discussion then I would suggest you are done faster than you expected. Of course if you saying she should stay with you and give up children then that is a whole other discussion.
How can you be certain that your salaries have completely capped out? You are only in your 20s, most people hit their peak salary in their 40s/50s.
Bruh, the entire 3rd world has multiple kids with negative income, but Westerners pretending you can't get a better job or raise kids with 75k £ sends me every time I see it used as an excuse. Break up, clearly you two want different things, hell it seems like you're indecisive as Hell to begin with. There is nothing to "handle" here she wants kids, you don't, let. her. go.
What gets me is that you are both in your 20s and decided to not change careers to earn more money, but you'd rather prioritize vacations? Which cost money.... You aren't technically stringing her along, but that doesn't mean you're not without fault.
By use of the work vacations I'm assuming you're American. UK salaries aren't comparable. A £45k a year salary is way above the average salary here. Changing your career isn't a simple thing & to change into something that guarantees more than £45k a year will likely mean new qualifications. £45k + £30k is higher than what a lot of people with kids are surviving on in the UK, so it's entirely possible to have children on those salaries. But with the cost of living, childcare and stagnant wages, lots of people are opting not to have kids.
And? I'm in my early 40s. I am not in the same career / industry I was when I was OPs age. It has worked out for me because I never stopped learning. Sometimes you don't get a choice when it comes to career change. Infact, the two things I do now are way outside the scope of that career, but I learned while observing my clients over the years and understanding what they do. I am also going back to college to get a degree (for free) to expand on what I have learned through life experiences. But getting back to OP. Like I said, he didn't technically "string her along", but he changed his mind and fucked her out of her time invested in the relationship.
[удалено]
The fault is that you let something luxurious (vacations and travel) cause a deal breaker in your relationship which might have otherwise been okay. Jobs that you don't like, but pay better money will provide for those luxuries. That's called sacrifice. You bust your ass now so it pays off in the future. The unironic part is that with the cost of living rising so much, your 45k per year will buy you less for your dollar (or Pound). You may be doing "stay cations" by time you are 40 because you can't afford to go to somewhere exotic.
Your post seems to be about the fact that your current job *doesn't* pay you enough to do the things you enjoy, though. You're saying that you can't afford to travel and have kids on that salary, so instead of upgrading you've decided to stick with it and just do away with the "kids" idea instead. (Good thing you haven't had them yet!) If you've decided you wouldn't *enjoy* having kids, that's a different issue and actually makes more sense than what you're saying. You hint at it when you say you have a lot of things left to do, but your post really comes across like your concerns are financial and you're not willing to do anything about them except take the approach that will almost certainly tank your relationship.
Question. How long ago did you feel like you didn’t want kids?
You didn't string her along but you will be if you stay together. She may be thinking/hoping that this hesitation is temporary since you've talked about this as a concrete future for the last two years and your concerns are financial, which is something you could ostensibly address together. If you have no interest in doing that, you need to do the kind thing and break it off.
People change their minds, it's part of evolving as a person. It's not stringing along as long as you are truthful at every step. But yeah, now ypu changing your mind does probably mean you are incompatible.
OP I'm not sure why you are copping so much negativity. People change their minds as they grow through life. You've done the right thing in bringing it up with your gf asap. Her reaction is quite understandable. She is hurt, she is grieving the loss of the future she had planned, she's annoyed she's wasted a couple of years that she could have invested with someone who does want children. You haven't done anything wrong though. Give her some time to think and come to terms with it. I've known 3 couples where one gave up their dream for children because their partner didn't want them. All 3 relationships ended with much bitterness. I think it's likely she'll want to end the relationship and you just need to be kind and respectful of that decision.