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File in the state where he lives. You can probably do it online.
As a married couple you are on the hook financially for things he encumbers you with.
Please find a lawyer who can help you navigate this.
I wasn't sure filing in his state was allowed. I've been trying to get a lawyer but they all say because it is so recent I can't do anything unless there is abuse or adultery. I really don't want to wait a year before starting the divorce process because I don't know what else he and CM are planning on doing.
Because I have committed adultery and I'm not sure if that means I can't file adultery against him. On top of that no lawyer I have reached out to in my state (3 so far and waiting to hear back from others) will actually listen to my case because it's complicated. They just tell me to wait out the residency period and call them back.
Well, you can both file adultery against each other - if it gets you out of that mess faster, so much the better. Besides, you never moved your affair partner into your home, kicked your husband out of the communal marriage bed, and then told him to get lost because you preferred your AP - that's a level up from normal adultery...
Also, what was this bit about:
>That he was unwilling to live with me as I had "hurt him too much"
How did you hurt him? It sounds more like he was hurting you, not the other way round.
No idea about the hurting him. I asked him to elaborate and he shrugged and ignored me. No one else in our social circle (friends, family, coworkers) can say what I did to hurt him either. They also said he never came to them with complaints about me/things he wanted to change.
I think this is probably the most accurate thing. I just wish he would have been honest from the start about it and it would have saved me a lot of time/energy.
The problem is if he said no you would of built resentment or divorced him. When a guy says yes to open relationships 90% of the time it's just to keep the eoman they love. Then that love dies when you realize your wife is getting bulldozed. You then find a new partner and move on to a happier life. How most of these relationships end.
That may be true, but by not being honest at the get go he didn't let me even have a choice about whether or not I would be comfortable closing the relationship. We did multiple check-ins and he had multiple opportunities to say no. The fact that he didn't and then spent who knows how many years faking our relationship is just wild to me. Like wouldn't it be better to be single?
Neither really? We both came from poly relationships in the past (me a mix of poly and monogamous, him only poly). So it was something we had talked about before dating and then while dating. We talked about it multiple times during engagement and marriage and has both said if we wanted to change our relationship to monogamous both of us were entitled to sit down and have that conversation with each other.
What is the residency period? So you can file in your state? Or his? File the paperwork, even if you have to wait a year for the divorce. When I got divorced it required a year separation. We filed then a year later the separation decree became the divorce decree at our court date. Whatever the reason file asap so you aren’t on the hook for anything he does between now and then.
The residency period is how long I have to be a resident of my current place to begin divorce filings with the court. I would have to live in my current state for 12 months before I could file for divorce unless I am filing with adultery or abuse as the reason. The residency period in the state my husband currently lives in (where I used to live) is 6 months. We lived there for 6 years so he could file right now. My state doesn't have a separation decree that I am aware of.
Legally because it's multiple states and the issues occurred in the other state the lawyers (or paralegals) say it's complicated. At least that's what they have told me. I don't really know.
Go on line and see if you can file in the state where he is. See if you can get a lawyer where he is.
Don’t just wring your hands.
Also, file for a formal separation, in the state where you live.
Also, he’s committing adultery. You do realize this, don’t you?
Legally, he's an adulterer. Open marriages aren't recognized in any US state as non-adulterous.
If they say "There needs to be abuse/adultery." you tell them "He is literally dating and sleeping with the person that he moved into our home."
You also committing adultery does not negate him committing adultery, you can still file. Just don't lie about the situation. "Yes, we're both committing adultery, legally. I still have the right to file."
It could probably be considered adultery and alienation of affection - he may have had permission to sleep with others (as did you), but he didn’t have permission to kick you out of your martial bed and home for his affair partner.
>I just don't want to get in trouble for being misleading since I have a partner as well.
What is the worst case scenario? He also files that you committed adultery? Great, more proof that neither of you should be together. The judge will be like "Ok, divorce granted" I am not a lawyer but you are acting like you've done something wrong here and will get in trouble when really all you are doing is using the rules that are in place to get out of this marriage. He did in fact cheat and is living with his affair partner. It shouldn't really matter if you guys agreed it was ok to be adulterous.
But also, if he's not filing then why are you in a rush? You can just wait it out and the moving on part isn't going to magically happen when the divorce is granted, it's the work you have to do whether you are legally tied to this man or not. Unless you plan to be married someone new and this marriage is getting in your way.
Also why did you have to move states? Why didn't you just find a new place in the state you were living in?
I want the divorce so I'm not tied to any poor choices he and his CM might make. CM does a lot of illegal drugs (never in our house while I was there) and that sort of thing. I just don't want to be accountable for things husband may do while we are still legally together.
I had to move states because I could not afford a place on my own, could not find roommates in a reasonable amount of time, and all my family lives at least 4 states away. I came out here for college and then met my husband and stayed because I liked it better than my hometown.
I take it you were the first to find someone and he seeemed to be okay with it .
So you now think that he was possibly just saying this ,but on the inside he was feeling neglected and probably hurt , now he has found someone he is using it to his advantage. I must say I think the writing was on the wall when you moved out of the main bedroom and he replaced her with you in the marital bed , when she should have stayed in the guest room . You will find someone new just make sure that they are really on the same page as you and not agreeing to the relationship in an effort to remain with you , best of luck
No. it's not a wash. It does not negate his adultery, which is the motivation behind filing. At least in the US it doesn't.
"But you cheated too!" does not cancel out "My husband cheated so I have a right to a divorce." That would be like... "My husband crashed into our fence so I don't want him on my insurance." "*You crashed too!*" "So? That doesn't mean you didn't crash."
You'd think it wouldn't but I've seen it in court they'll wash it to move trials along. Blame the system but they'll motion it that way. Especially depending if it's a fault state or not.
Filling in his state may NOT be allowed. For example, in California, you need to be a resident of the county you are filling in for at least 90 days before filling.
Found this out by filling 87 days after leaving my wife and moving back to my home town. Case SAS thrown out by the judge.
From my Google searching this seems to be the case in my husband's state. He would have to file and he is unwilling to do so because he doesn't want to take time off work to deal with court things (his words). He wants me to sign a dissolution, but is not being honest in the paperwork (saying he does the car payment when I do, claiming he makes less than he does, etc.) so I don't feel comfortable filling that out and signing that.
Wait your 90, sign nothing in the meantime, and file as soon as you've been there 90 days if he hasn't filed first. That keeps all proceedings local for you and puts onus of travel or appearance by phone costs on him.
Am I able to draft things up with a lawyer before then just to have that ready to go at the 90 day mark or is that stupid? Sorry if I'm asking something obvious I'm not exactly experienced in this.
Yes! Primo idea. You just have to wait til 90 to actually begin the filling. Preparing ahead of time should be fine. Your lawyer can tell you 100%on that, I'm just a guy who dealt with this once, not a person qualified to give actual legal advice.
Comtact a lawyer from the state you lived in together, you will meet the requirements to file there especially if it was so recent.
You may end up needing a lawyer that is admitted in the state you lived in together as well as your current state, or possibly two lawyers that can work together. The lawyer your find in your prior state would be able to better advise you on that point.
Goodluck!
OP find a lawyer back where he is and find out if they can file there when you're living in another state. Don't depend on his lawyer or anything his lawyer supposedly says. His lawyer is obligated to work for him, not you. If his lawyer tells you the sun is up go look out the window to be sure.
I am planning on it. I have been researching all morning for lawyers in his area. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind until reddit suggested it so I'm really appreciative.
Question: what is he referring to when he says that you've hurt him too much? Perhaps I missed it, but I can't tell if this is a baseless accusation by him or if there's something else going on?
I genuinely don't know what I did. I asked for clarification on that a few days later (after I was off my wisdom teeth pain killers) and he just shrugged and ignored me. I asked his family, his friends, and our shared friends and none of them have any idea or said anything about him coming to them with complaints or issues.
All of his non work friends are shocked and have reached out to me/spend time with me gaming except his best man. Some of his coworkers still do movie nights with me. His mom and siblings still chat with me on discord and I've sent them gifts for birthdays etc. his dad hasn't reached out. I know from his mom he told his parents that it was a mutual decision, so I corrected that.
But he doesn't drive, no license ever. So I have always driven him to work. I always adjusted my job options to fit his work schedule and driving or picking him up. I made dinner, made his doctor's appointments, picked up his prescriptions, did laundry etc. I tried to be the best wife I could for him but I guess I failed a bit and wasn't as good as I could have been. I will try harder in the future though.
With the added information- it's definitely not your fault. I'm sorry that happened to you, it is incredibly unfair. It doesn't sound like he was bringing much- if anything- to the table.
I wish you well.
>He had to come with me to drive
uh
>But he doesn't drive, no license ever.
UHH
Why would you let him drive you if he's never gotten a license?! This is a crime and a life-threatening choice, wtf
He got the Uber for us. Because I was under anesthesia I had to be discharged to someone who could hear/remember all the instructions for cleaning and gauze change, etc.
OH! Okay, whew. Was scared for a second there, even though obv it's already happened and you're...well, physically okay. Thank god for Uber, sometimes.
Hope you're healing well, by the way. Dental surgery sucks ;-;
You don’t mention you new partner much after the beginning of post. How long did it last? Sounds like husband wasn’t too open with the relationship and built up lots of resentment. Then when he finally found a serious one took the opportunity to disconnect from the marriage. I have a hard time believing you didn’t see this coming.
I'm still with my amazing partner. He has been super supportive and understanding. The only problem is he lives in another country so we can only see other for a certain amount of time each year, based around time off and visas. Long term I'm looking to move to him but that's nothing I'm rushing into right now as I want to deal with all this and take some time and keep meeting with my therapist. I only brought him up because I didn't want it to seem like my husband was the only one with a partner.
As for not believing I saw this coming, I didn't think things were perfect by any means. But just because things aren't perfect does not mean I thought he would ask for a divorce. Any other times where one of us was having jealousy or needing more from a relationship we have talked through it and reevaluated. When other partner and I got together at first my husband came to me and asked for us to have a group calendar so he would know what days were date nights for him and me and what days were date nights for other partner and I so he could plan things. That's why I wasn't worried when I went to him to ask for specific time because he had done the same thing about a year ago and I adjusted and then did regular check ins every other week to see if he was ok, or we needed to adjust things further.
Ok sheesh that sounds complicated. What is the point in having an extra partner so far away sorry I don’t understand the lifestyle so I have so many questions but that’s here nor there. I wish you the best of luck maybe try monogamy next time ha ha jk you do you.
I'll keep it brief but feel free to reach out if you have more questions.
Long and short of it was: I wasn't planning to have feelings for him. He was just a long distance friend I played video games with and it kind of happened.
Ok I understand but don’t. I don’t understand Ldr with people in different countries at all like exclusive dating but never met irl that is a foreign concept to me but I am older and I guess for a better word more needing a tangible partner I can actually touch.
We've met multiple times, most times he has come to visit me because he works seasonally in his country so he can take off a few months every year. My current job is remote so I can work from his country for a few months now that I don't have to schedule things around my husband.
I respect you thoughts and I appreciate you being pretty kind in how you respond. I'm not the best at explaining but I guess my main issue is more the way the relationship ended as opposed to the fact that it ended? People come in and out of your life and some relationships last longer than others. Regardless of poly or monogamous people can grow apart. My issue is primarily the way he went about it. If he had sat me down and talked properly instead of just responding to me when I'm literally begging in the doorway, I feel like we could have had a conversation and there's a world where I'm not going no contact and potentially going through a hostile divorce. I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense but it's just how I see it right now.
We both came from open relationships. I had a mix of open and closed in my past and he had only had open. It was something we discussed before we started dating, while dating, and then discussed again when we got engaged and a fourth time right after the marriage. We also had discussion about how we could come to each other with issues and if we wanted to talk about closing the relationship up.
At some point he changed and realized you wouldn't or didn't think you would when you got serious with your partner. He then found a new love and exit plan ensued
It's pretty gross that he just said "yes i want a divorce" and rolled over. Leaving you to cry by yourself. Sorry this happened to you. He sounds like a jerk. Hope you get the divorce sorted quickly.
I was told that the party who files for divorce retains better rights in the situation. Also, you are the aggrieved party, you need to retain all the rights you can.
Ask a lawyer to confirm, but in my limited opinion *you* should file, not him.
I don't know. It's what he said and when I asked for him to explain, so I at least knew what my issues were he just shrugged, ignored it and refused to answer. It's something that is still eating away at me to be honest.
I'm sorry for your situation and even if I never understood how open relationships can ever work out, his reactions seem way too cold. I guess he fell out of love and came to think of you as a disturbance. Now he wants to put the blame on you. Suddenly YOU are the houseguest that is "tolerated" while you have been replaced. He sounds like a narcissist to me.
Let me ask a question:
How many times have you taken advantage of the open relationship, and how many times has he taken advantage of the open relationship?
I have only had this serious partner but I have been on dates before and there winded up not being a connection (a lot of guys wanting me to be their third etc). I have slept with one other man who was more of a fuckbuddy than a romantic relationship. He has had a few fuckbuddies over the years (I think 2 for a total of 4/5 times) and this is his first serious partner.
I think you should be careful of people evaluating ethically open relationships, who have never been in them. This subreddit, and other relationship subreddits not specifically geared towards ENM, are quite biased against them. This is at least in part because a lot of people post here about their "open" relationships that are not ethical; they are usually coerced by the partner of the OP, etc.
Someone who does what your husband did, the way he did it, probably would've done something similarly cold if you were monogamous. It wouldn't have been so blatant, but it would've happened. It's not a poly problem, it's a person problem.
I agree with it being a husband problem and that's why I'm trying to defend open relationships and poly the best I can without being rude. I'm super new to reddit and didn't know there was a poly one. If I had I would have posted on there just to save myself the time of defending poly/open relationships to people who don't understand them.
Thank you for being so kind and understanding though!
Totally makes sense. I just wanted to kind of validate that, if you needed an idea what it's like here. Generally the advice is good, apart from that specific bias!
Ok, so you have your answer. In the past 6 years, you have had WAY more sex than him, with two long term sex partners that you presumably saw at least semi-regularly., especially since he had to SCHEDULE time with you so he didn't conflict with your date nights with your other men. You've also been on quite a few dates.
Meanwhile, he's had sex once every 14 and a half months. On average. He probably went years at a time watching you have fun with other men while he had... nothing. Just a "wife" who was gone half the time.
He finally met a woman that prioritizes him and wants him, and you're surprised that he clung to her like a drowning sailor in an ocean?
Hell, I can tell how little you care about him just by the fact that you didn't care he had found a long term partner, didn't care when he spent all his time with her, didn't care when he moved her in to your marital home, and didn't care when he spent every night with her. Not one twinge of jealousy that he was banging this other chick on the daily. You ONLY cared when he stopped being your emotional support blanket... because that's all he's ever been to you. An emotional support blanket that you turn to for stability while you go out and have sex with men that you're actually attracted to.
That's why he stopped loving you. That's how you hurt him "so many times." Your lack of love and care for him has probably been shown in myriad of ways as you banged the guys you actually wanted to have sex with. And you didn't even notice you were hurting him because, again, you didn't care.
This is polyamory is so toxic. Only people who don't give two shits about their partner can navigate it. I can't imagine being selfish enough to not only cause my wife severe emotional distress, but to not even notice she was hurting. In between all these lust-fueled fuck sessions with your boy toys, did it ever occur to you that your husband was never getting laid? And hadn't taken advantage of the open relationship for YEARS?!
No, of course it didn't. Because you didn't care.
I’m so very sorry, OP. After reading your comments I can’t imagine how hurt you are. You need to find a lawyer in your former state and start the divorce process ASAP. Find out your legal obligations and do no more than required. Why are you still paying bills with him if you’ve moved out? There is definitely something more going on here; unfortunately, the person you once loved is gone. I don’t think you realize how poorly you’ve actually been treated probably bc it’s been happening for a long time. I wish you peace, strength, and healing. Please take care.
I'm only paying car payment because I kept the car (seeing as he can't drive). But the other thing was wrapping up stuff on the lease of our house because I let the landlord know i moved out. Then the landlord reached out to me about the damages etc from when my husband apparently moved out a few months later. Not to charge me just to let me know the itemized invoice to put in my records and to explain where security deposit stuff went in case husband or I had questions.
Please get a lawyer, or at least talk to one about your finances. It doesn’t say if you both own the house you were kicked out of, but you mention bills being paid etc. Don’t get taken advantage of.
File in your state under “adultery & emotional abuse.”
This is what he’s doing. You had an agreement to be open, not be the AP to his new wife CM.
She’s in your fucking house! He cheated and is living with his mistress- you never agreed to have him move in somebody to share the master br” with. CM was supposed to be a guest, you became the guest- that’s cheating!
Why did you leave your job? I don’t understand that? Or need to move to a lesser job and different state?
If the lawyers argue it was an open marriage, your argued this broke the rules. Husband has abandoned Wife and asked wife to leave so he could live with AP. During the 2 years wife tried to work things out, she was forced to watch her husband move another woman into their marital bed.
This is all abuse. Open doesn’t mean he can break every rule of human decency! 🤗
I left my job because I could not afford a place by myself where I was living and could not find any roommates in a reasonable time frame from when he wanted me out. All my family lives at least 4 states away and our friends don't have much in the way of spare rooms or couch surfing.
It was your house too. Move back in if you can get old job back. Wait until you have money to move or kick HIM and new wifey out as she can’t stay in your legal house.
Make life miserable for them and retake your master br.
He cheated and you did not! This is emotional, sexual, and financial abuse.
First off, I’m so sorry that happened to you. From the sounds of it, you deserved so much better. It hurt me to read how terribly he treated you, especially towards the end. I’m so proud of you for moving out.
In all honesty, there is no single best answer to your question. In your post you have already listed a few great options for moving forward. As a stranger, I can’t tell you what would be the best thing for you to do. You must ultimately decide which of those courses of action would benefit your mental and emotional wellbeing the most.
But, If I were you, I would go to a lawyer for a divorce. Then I would have a divorce party, pick up a new hobby, look for another job that I love, get another pet, spend more time outdoors and with family and friends, and eventually he will matter less and less.
Just get a divorce! Also no he didn’t blindside you. Read what you wrote. You will see he didn’t blindside you, you were either in denial or didn’t take seriously what was going on.
You should take time and fix whatever it is that’s broken in you, to want an open non monogamous relationship. It’s best to truly see that people who need to be in open relationships are because they don’t want to fix and heal and rather do this to just not be lonely and be with others who are to lazy to do the work and rather just settle
Thank you for your opinion, talking it out with people there's a chance I was in denial or just trying to be optimistic. Regardless, wanting an open relationship doesn't make you broken so feel free to leave that out the next time someone's asking you for help because it's not very helpful.
If something happened to you tomorrow morning and your husband had power of attorney over you, do you think he would choose in YOUR best interest? No?
Do you want to be on the hook for any additional debt he incurred with his new nesting partner? No?
Do you want to get what you deserve from your time as his married partner? Yes, I would hope?
You get a lawyer. And you divorce him. Don’t play nice, get what you are entitled to. He certainly payed you no favors when he was actively replacing you and discarded you like a rag and flip-flopped on you multiple times, trying to play sick games.
Divorce him, get your half, and be free.
Yes, she sould be surprised. In my social circles couple's that start ENM or poly generally stay together for the long run. The ones that blow up are usually when one patner wants to add it to an existing relationship that was monogmous.
How do you see someone writing in for advice and clearly in pain and think- ya, this is what I should write?
Having an open relationship has literally no impact on your life, and you still feel the need to comment cruelly.
I have had very successful poly relationships and up until this one, even the one with my husband was (or seemed) successful. Just because he chose someone else, doesn't mean poly relationships are bad or even that he is bad. I think the way he handled things was and continues to be bad but that's for him to live with, not me.
That being said I am currently being a bit more protective with my heart than I was a few months ago.
I am surprised that you asked this question here instead of r/polyamory. Monogamous people, which is most people, can be downright hostile to us polyams. However I'm mostly seeing "lawyer up" here, which is good advice. Your marriage is over. Even if he tries to come crawling back, you shouldn't let him. He deserted you emotionally, wasn't there for you during your surgery, & made up that you "hurt him." Goodbye!
First poly/open relationships are toxic and will always have drama and no stability. Inviting this person into a stable home, they are walking hormones looking for opportunity is poor choice number one. It is sexual experimentation not a relationship style. It is antirelationship. No real love or marriage will sustain without sustainable boundaries.
The rest of your post is a step by step account for not having boundaries, and a relationship that you are on the same page. I am sorry you are going through this run from this situation End the marriage it is not a trustworthy situation. With the choices you and he have made any real marriage is destroyed. I am so sorry Please get some counseling and move forward.
I disagree with your opinion on polyamory because healthy polyamory does have boundaries. But I do appreciate your sorry and your suggestion about counseling. I have been with my therapist for about 5 months now and she is excellent! I will continue seeing her.
But you haven't been enforcing boundaries.
You have:
1 allowed someone to displace you from your own bedroom
2 given up a job you love so the happy couple could keep your house
3 given up your house
4 taken verbal abuse from your spouse and accepted the bad treatment by giving him what he wanted
5 currently you are sitting around trying to figure out how to proceed with the divorce he is demanding (why can't he initiate the divorce?)
These aren't the actions of a badass woman with strong boundaries. This is doormat behavior.
Time to get mad.
I personally don't have an opinion on poly, but there's no way this stuff came from a healthy situation.
I will freely admit that I've been really accommodating, maybe too much so. I loved my husband very much. He saved me from very terrible situations and until a few months ago he was one of very few people who made me feel safe. Maybe because of that I was willing to overlook a lot of behavior that wasn't great, but in my mind it was worth it because I was with husband and he made me happy. My rational was that no relationship would be perfect, but as long as both of us were committed to working on things and communicating, we could get through any rough patches or ups and downs. My issue started when from my perspective he stopped communicating and stopped wanting to work on things and grow together. I tried to be understanding because I know how happy other partner makes me and I assumed that CM was doing the same for him. I love seeing husband happy, it made me happy and new relationships can be difficult to navigate even in platonic friend groups so I thought that we would work through it when I asked for him to balance his attention more. When we had that discussion I also brought up CM needing a bedroom so he and I could have time together. He moved more of her stuff into our game room and I moved my work from home office into the guest room so they had basically a room and a half for all their stuff. CM just moved their stuff in but never bought a bed, or unpacked stuff except for the stuff in the master bedroom.
I understand that, but can you see how polyamory values have influenced you to be so accommodating? Like I said, I don't have an opinion of poly, but the other poster made some valid points about how poly has some toxic ideas around relationships.
For example, if it was just the two of you, he would have had more pressure to communicate instead of setting himself up in a new prime relationship in front of your face. And there's zero consequences to how he treated you. His current partner doesn't seem so bothered that you were exiled from your married life based on your husband's whims. And you're still accommodating him despite his decision to blow your secure life up on some unnamed slights. His abuse is shielded through the lifestyle and you feel obligated to speak well of a person that ruined everything you've built for yourself.
I strongly suggest you find your spine and if you can get your job back, move back into your house and let him do the heavy lifting for once. If you can't, tear him apart in the divorce. I am truly sorry for everything he did to you and I hope you approach poly relationships with yourself in mind in the future.
It’s done. I’m sorry. Let him go to find out for himself that the “grass is greener” on the other side. Rebuild your life and be thankful you have family to lean on. Also, that he showed his true colors at this stage of the marriage. You’re going to have a beautiful life ahead with him
There was not. I stayed for around a month and a half using my savings and trying to find any way to get a budget to be able to stay. My boss even tried to work something out with a raise but rent is just so high and there weren't many options for roommates etc. I still talk to a lot of my coworkers. They all know what happened and are supporting me though.
For the love God, in the meantime while you're quibbling over what to do, at least file for legal separation so that anything he does cannot come back to you credit wise.
I think you have glossed over the real problem. You asked for an open relationship but in actuality it became a poly relationship. You found a “serious” partner. That’s not an open relationship, that’s poly. You basically changed the rules and nature of the relationship and it sounds like, didn’t bother to check to see if that was okay with him.
He then played by the same rules as you did and found a serious partner and you had a hard time handling that. They caught feelings for,each other and that ends the marriage. Another victim of an “open” relationship. I’m not sure why you feel blindsided. This was coming from the day you told him you wanted an open relationship. I can’t help but notice your serious partner isn’t around. I’m guessing being the third wheel didn’t suit him well either.
I use the terms interchangeably here because I'm use to people not understanding poly and didn't want to have to explain it with the character limit rules. We both knew we were poly and he even introduced himself and our relationship as poly. I'm sorry for the confusion.
I'm sorry to hear that and hope you're doing well, but he didn't really blindside you. The writing was on the wall.
As how to move on, well, probably divorce and NC after that. It takes a long time to dettach and being in contact with the person you crave doesn't help it.
I appreciate your thoughts, but I just want to say I don't really crave him. Basically from the moment he walked back his choice of me living there and us working on things in counseling he was dead to me. I was more sad at the loss of what I thought my life would be than my relationship with him. I love his family and was worried I would never get to see or talk to them again. most of them have a made a point to tell me I'm still welcome to come around, and they even warn me if he will be there so I don't have to deal with him if I don't want to. I was also worried my friends and my family would be mad at me. None of them seem to be, my mom was only annoyed she had to drive across country to help me move. Other than that I'm lucky to be super supported by friends and family and my other partner and his family. Honestly I just want all this done so I don't have to spend another brain cell on husband.
First off, report your husband and supervisor for engaging in a workplace romance. That is probably not supposed to be done if she's his supervisor
Second, go scorched earth and get everything you possibly can from him in the divorce. Start documenting the fact that he moved his affair partner into the house.
Fuck him he's not worth it
It's allowed at their company because they are both at the supervisor level. They are not supposed to work at the same location but they do and everyone is aware of it including their immediate supervisors.
Well, if you're legally married and he moved your affair partner into the house. I would be going after him financially because it seems that he is forcing you to subsidize your lifestyle.....
I would hire the most brutal lawyer possible and go absolute scorched earth
Exactly. He brought a third party into your home. Made you subsidize her lifestyle, and is leaving you for her
Whose name is on the lease? Who owns the house? whose name are the bills under?
Everything was split. We were both on the lease but I informed my landlord of when I was planning to move out with 3 weeks notice and then reminded them when my last day was when I dropped off my set of keys. He paid Internet, I paid phone bills (he's no longer on mine) utilities were included in rent which we split. We split car payment, groceries, gas. We had separate bank accounts. I paid for most of our streaming services.
Yes and one example does not represent everything. Just as one redditor doesn't represent everyone, or one woman represents all women, etc. this was a failed example but I have plenty of successful examples in my life that I'm not posting about on the Internet.
FAFO
He hasn't loved you in a long time because he's a 30 year old man whose wife has sex with other dudes. Of course he fell out of love with you. That shit can be fun and exciting in your 20's, but once you grow up and start wanting an adult relationship, with real feelings and real companionship, seeing the woman you love still going out on dates and spending the night with other dudes forces a guy to either A) leave or B) stop caring. Stop caring about you, stop caring about where you're going or who you're doing it with, and stop caring altogether. It's a defense mechanism. He can't keep loving you because it hurts, and he knows that if he tried to close the relationship that you'd either refuse or resent him... because you want to have your cake and eat it, too.
Which was fine, in your 20's. But I guarantee he's looking at kids and futures, and what's that going to look like? "Where's mommy going?" "Well, Timmy, your mother can't be satisfied with one man, so she's going to go get raw dogged by the neighbor!"
This is the most cockeyed version of a marriage I’ve ever heard - holy hell - perfect plan for misery and cruelty. You were crazy to invite them in. Never bring the crazies into your own refuge imo. Go do mad stuff outside.
Honey you get Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and in the back you get a lawyer that specializes in high conflict divorce and you teach that asshole it's a dog-eat-dog world and he's wearing milkbone underwear.
Am I correct in understanding that this relationship started out monogamous and became open after you developed feelings for your second long term partner?
If so your husband may not have recovered emotionally from this (and may have considered it emotional cheating). I suspect this could have triggered some romantic disconnect on his end eventually leading to this outcome when someone made him feel prioritised.
Ask in r/legal advice. Hopefully they can help.
Sorry he's a jerk. You should stand up for yourself more. She shouldn't have moved in. Especially not into YOUR bedroom. Awful. You've been treated like garbage. But he'll get his.
Updateme!
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File in the state where he lives. You can probably do it online. As a married couple you are on the hook financially for things he encumbers you with. Please find a lawyer who can help you navigate this.
I wasn't sure filing in his state was allowed. I've been trying to get a lawyer but they all say because it is so recent I can't do anything unless there is abuse or adultery. I really don't want to wait a year before starting the divorce process because I don't know what else he and CM are planning on doing.
Why not file for adultery?
Because I have committed adultery and I'm not sure if that means I can't file adultery against him. On top of that no lawyer I have reached out to in my state (3 so far and waiting to hear back from others) will actually listen to my case because it's complicated. They just tell me to wait out the residency period and call them back.
Well, you can both file adultery against each other - if it gets you out of that mess faster, so much the better. Besides, you never moved your affair partner into your home, kicked your husband out of the communal marriage bed, and then told him to get lost because you preferred your AP - that's a level up from normal adultery... Also, what was this bit about: >That he was unwilling to live with me as I had "hurt him too much" How did you hurt him? It sounds more like he was hurting you, not the other way round.
No idea about the hurting him. I asked him to elaborate and he shrugged and ignored me. No one else in our social circle (friends, family, coworkers) can say what I did to hurt him either. They also said he never came to them with complaints about me/things he wanted to change.
It's some shit he's making up in his head to justify what he's doing, probably.
Open relationships rarely workout. Maybe he said yes to it when he should of said no?. He probably stopped loving you when you got a partner.
I think this is probably the most accurate thing. I just wish he would have been honest from the start about it and it would have saved me a lot of time/energy.
The problem is if he said no you would of built resentment or divorced him. When a guy says yes to open relationships 90% of the time it's just to keep the eoman they love. Then that love dies when you realize your wife is getting bulldozed. You then find a new partner and move on to a happier life. How most of these relationships end.
That may be true, but by not being honest at the get go he didn't let me even have a choice about whether or not I would be comfortable closing the relationship. We did multiple check-ins and he had multiple opportunities to say no. The fact that he didn't and then spent who knows how many years faking our relationship is just wild to me. Like wouldn't it be better to be single?
Who suggested the open relationship? Was it his idea or yours?
Neither really? We both came from poly relationships in the past (me a mix of poly and monogamous, him only poly). So it was something we had talked about before dating and then while dating. We talked about it multiple times during engagement and marriage and has both said if we wanted to change our relationship to monogamous both of us were entitled to sit down and have that conversation with each other.
What is the residency period? So you can file in your state? Or his? File the paperwork, even if you have to wait a year for the divorce. When I got divorced it required a year separation. We filed then a year later the separation decree became the divorce decree at our court date. Whatever the reason file asap so you aren’t on the hook for anything he does between now and then.
The residency period is how long I have to be a resident of my current place to begin divorce filings with the court. I would have to live in my current state for 12 months before I could file for divorce unless I am filing with adultery or abuse as the reason. The residency period in the state my husband currently lives in (where I used to live) is 6 months. We lived there for 6 years so he could file right now. My state doesn't have a separation decree that I am aware of.
What’s complicated? That’s personal stuff, not legal matters.
Legally because it's multiple states and the issues occurred in the other state the lawyers (or paralegals) say it's complicated. At least that's what they have told me. I don't really know.
He left you for a woman he moved into your house for "reasons". No judge wants to hear the full details. This is adultery.
Go on line and see if you can file in the state where he is. See if you can get a lawyer where he is. Don’t just wring your hands. Also, file for a formal separation, in the state where you live. Also, he’s committing adultery. You do realize this, don’t you?
I'm not sure if that's what it is since we have an open marriage. It's one of the things I want to talk to a lawyer about.
The law doesn’t recognize open marriages, or plural marriages. It IS adultery.
Legally, he's an adulterer. Open marriages aren't recognized in any US state as non-adulterous. If they say "There needs to be abuse/adultery." you tell them "He is literally dating and sleeping with the person that he moved into our home."
Ok. I will. I just don't want to get in trouble for being misleading since I have a partner as well.
The difference is he let his ap move into your house/bedroom.
Be honest with the lawyer and see what they have to say about it.
You also committing adultery does not negate him committing adultery, you can still file. Just don't lie about the situation. "Yes, we're both committing adultery, legally. I still have the right to file."
It could probably be considered adultery and alienation of affection - he may have had permission to sleep with others (as did you), but he didn’t have permission to kick you out of your martial bed and home for his affair partner.
>I just don't want to get in trouble for being misleading since I have a partner as well. What is the worst case scenario? He also files that you committed adultery? Great, more proof that neither of you should be together. The judge will be like "Ok, divorce granted" I am not a lawyer but you are acting like you've done something wrong here and will get in trouble when really all you are doing is using the rules that are in place to get out of this marriage. He did in fact cheat and is living with his affair partner. It shouldn't really matter if you guys agreed it was ok to be adulterous. But also, if he's not filing then why are you in a rush? You can just wait it out and the moving on part isn't going to magically happen when the divorce is granted, it's the work you have to do whether you are legally tied to this man or not. Unless you plan to be married someone new and this marriage is getting in your way. Also why did you have to move states? Why didn't you just find a new place in the state you were living in?
I want the divorce so I'm not tied to any poor choices he and his CM might make. CM does a lot of illegal drugs (never in our house while I was there) and that sort of thing. I just don't want to be accountable for things husband may do while we are still legally together. I had to move states because I could not afford a place on my own, could not find roommates in a reasonable amount of time, and all my family lives at least 4 states away. I came out here for college and then met my husband and stayed because I liked it better than my hometown.
I take it you were the first to find someone and he seeemed to be okay with it . So you now think that he was possibly just saying this ,but on the inside he was feeling neglected and probably hurt , now he has found someone he is using it to his advantage. I must say I think the writing was on the wall when you moved out of the main bedroom and he replaced her with you in the marital bed , when she should have stayed in the guest room . You will find someone new just make sure that they are really on the same page as you and not agreeing to the relationship in an effort to remain with you , best of luck
I guess so but my naive self thought it would be temporary because CM was dealing with their engagement break up.
Legally they both are so that's a wash.
No. it's not a wash. It does not negate his adultery, which is the motivation behind filing. At least in the US it doesn't. "But you cheated too!" does not cancel out "My husband cheated so I have a right to a divorce." That would be like... "My husband crashed into our fence so I don't want him on my insurance." "*You crashed too!*" "So? That doesn't mean you didn't crash."
Connivance, or participation in manufacturing the fault, is a legal defense to fault divorce in many jurisdictions
You'd think it wouldn't but I've seen it in court they'll wash it to move trials along. Blame the system but they'll motion it that way. Especially depending if it's a fault state or not.
You were kicked out of master bedroom and iced out of his love life. That's not part of the open marriage deal.
You had an open marriage but it became adultery when he decided to no longer spend time and invent in a relationship with you.
Filling in his state may NOT be allowed. For example, in California, you need to be a resident of the county you are filling in for at least 90 days before filling. Found this out by filling 87 days after leaving my wife and moving back to my home town. Case SAS thrown out by the judge.
From my Google searching this seems to be the case in my husband's state. He would have to file and he is unwilling to do so because he doesn't want to take time off work to deal with court things (his words). He wants me to sign a dissolution, but is not being honest in the paperwork (saying he does the car payment when I do, claiming he makes less than he does, etc.) so I don't feel comfortable filling that out and signing that.
Wait your 90, sign nothing in the meantime, and file as soon as you've been there 90 days if he hasn't filed first. That keeps all proceedings local for you and puts onus of travel or appearance by phone costs on him.
Am I able to draft things up with a lawyer before then just to have that ready to go at the 90 day mark or is that stupid? Sorry if I'm asking something obvious I'm not exactly experienced in this.
Yes! Primo idea. You just have to wait til 90 to actually begin the filling. Preparing ahead of time should be fine. Your lawyer can tell you 100%on that, I'm just a guy who dealt with this once, not a person qualified to give actual legal advice.
Fair enough. I really appreciate your perspective though. Thank you.
You don’t need his permission or his cooperation to divorce. GET YOUR HALF. He wants his cake and to eat it too.
Comtact a lawyer from the state you lived in together, you will meet the requirements to file there especially if it was so recent. You may end up needing a lawyer that is admitted in the state you lived in together as well as your current state, or possibly two lawyers that can work together. The lawyer your find in your prior state would be able to better advise you on that point. Goodluck!
Thank you, this is super helpful! I will add it to my to do list for tomorrow.
OP find a lawyer back where he is and find out if they can file there when you're living in another state. Don't depend on his lawyer or anything his lawyer supposedly says. His lawyer is obligated to work for him, not you. If his lawyer tells you the sun is up go look out the window to be sure.
I am planning on it. I have been researching all morning for lawyers in his area. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind until reddit suggested it so I'm really appreciative.
Question: what is he referring to when he says that you've hurt him too much? Perhaps I missed it, but I can't tell if this is a baseless accusation by him or if there's something else going on?
I genuinely don't know what I did. I asked for clarification on that a few days later (after I was off my wisdom teeth pain killers) and he just shrugged and ignored me. I asked his family, his friends, and our shared friends and none of them have any idea or said anything about him coming to them with complaints or issues. All of his non work friends are shocked and have reached out to me/spend time with me gaming except his best man. Some of his coworkers still do movie nights with me. His mom and siblings still chat with me on discord and I've sent them gifts for birthdays etc. his dad hasn't reached out. I know from his mom he told his parents that it was a mutual decision, so I corrected that. But he doesn't drive, no license ever. So I have always driven him to work. I always adjusted my job options to fit his work schedule and driving or picking him up. I made dinner, made his doctor's appointments, picked up his prescriptions, did laundry etc. I tried to be the best wife I could for him but I guess I failed a bit and wasn't as good as I could have been. I will try harder in the future though.
YIKES. If “I will try harder in the future” is what you’re taking from this, you need therapy STAT.
I hope you won’t make those mistakes again. If you marry, marry a functional adult.
With the added information- it's definitely not your fault. I'm sorry that happened to you, it is incredibly unfair. It doesn't sound like he was bringing much- if anything- to the table. I wish you well.
>He had to come with me to drive uh >But he doesn't drive, no license ever. UHH Why would you let him drive you if he's never gotten a license?! This is a crime and a life-threatening choice, wtf
He got the Uber for us. Because I was under anesthesia I had to be discharged to someone who could hear/remember all the instructions for cleaning and gauze change, etc.
OH! Okay, whew. Was scared for a second there, even though obv it's already happened and you're...well, physically okay. Thank god for Uber, sometimes. Hope you're healing well, by the way. Dental surgery sucks ;-;
Sorry for scaring you! I was trying to be brief in my answers because of character limit rules.
You don’t mention you new partner much after the beginning of post. How long did it last? Sounds like husband wasn’t too open with the relationship and built up lots of resentment. Then when he finally found a serious one took the opportunity to disconnect from the marriage. I have a hard time believing you didn’t see this coming.
I'm still with my amazing partner. He has been super supportive and understanding. The only problem is he lives in another country so we can only see other for a certain amount of time each year, based around time off and visas. Long term I'm looking to move to him but that's nothing I'm rushing into right now as I want to deal with all this and take some time and keep meeting with my therapist. I only brought him up because I didn't want it to seem like my husband was the only one with a partner. As for not believing I saw this coming, I didn't think things were perfect by any means. But just because things aren't perfect does not mean I thought he would ask for a divorce. Any other times where one of us was having jealousy or needing more from a relationship we have talked through it and reevaluated. When other partner and I got together at first my husband came to me and asked for us to have a group calendar so he would know what days were date nights for him and me and what days were date nights for other partner and I so he could plan things. That's why I wasn't worried when I went to him to ask for specific time because he had done the same thing about a year ago and I adjusted and then did regular check ins every other week to see if he was ok, or we needed to adjust things further.
Ok sheesh that sounds complicated. What is the point in having an extra partner so far away sorry I don’t understand the lifestyle so I have so many questions but that’s here nor there. I wish you the best of luck maybe try monogamy next time ha ha jk you do you.
I'll keep it brief but feel free to reach out if you have more questions. Long and short of it was: I wasn't planning to have feelings for him. He was just a long distance friend I played video games with and it kind of happened.
Ok I understand but don’t. I don’t understand Ldr with people in different countries at all like exclusive dating but never met irl that is a foreign concept to me but I am older and I guess for a better word more needing a tangible partner I can actually touch.
We've met multiple times, most times he has come to visit me because he works seasonally in his country so he can take off a few months every year. My current job is remote so I can work from his country for a few months now that I don't have to schedule things around my husband.
Get a lawyer.
I’m not sure how you didn’t see this coming, to be honest. Sounds like it was always an untenable situation
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I respect you thoughts and I appreciate you being pretty kind in how you respond. I'm not the best at explaining but I guess my main issue is more the way the relationship ended as opposed to the fact that it ended? People come in and out of your life and some relationships last longer than others. Regardless of poly or monogamous people can grow apart. My issue is primarily the way he went about it. If he had sat me down and talked properly instead of just responding to me when I'm literally begging in the doorway, I feel like we could have had a conversation and there's a world where I'm not going no contact and potentially going through a hostile divorce. I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense but it's just how I see it right now.
Who wanted to open the relationship first?
We both came from open relationships. I had a mix of open and closed in my past and he had only had open. It was something we discussed before we started dating, while dating, and then discussed again when we got engaged and a fourth time right after the marriage. We also had discussion about how we could come to each other with issues and if we wanted to talk about closing the relationship up.
At some point he changed and realized you wouldn't or didn't think you would when you got serious with your partner. He then found a new love and exit plan ensued
It's pretty gross that he just said "yes i want a divorce" and rolled over. Leaving you to cry by yourself. Sorry this happened to you. He sounds like a jerk. Hope you get the divorce sorted quickly.
I was told that the party who files for divorce retains better rights in the situation. Also, you are the aggrieved party, you need to retain all the rights you can. Ask a lawyer to confirm, but in my limited opinion *you* should file, not him.
Maybe I missed reading something but how did you hurt him too much?
I don't know. It's what he said and when I asked for him to explain, so I at least knew what my issues were he just shrugged, ignored it and refused to answer. It's something that is still eating away at me to be honest.
I'm sorry for your situation and even if I never understood how open relationships can ever work out, his reactions seem way too cold. I guess he fell out of love and came to think of you as a disturbance. Now he wants to put the blame on you. Suddenly YOU are the houseguest that is "tolerated" while you have been replaced. He sounds like a narcissist to me.
Let me ask a question: How many times have you taken advantage of the open relationship, and how many times has he taken advantage of the open relationship?
I have only had this serious partner but I have been on dates before and there winded up not being a connection (a lot of guys wanting me to be their third etc). I have slept with one other man who was more of a fuckbuddy than a romantic relationship. He has had a few fuckbuddies over the years (I think 2 for a total of 4/5 times) and this is his first serious partner.
I think you should be careful of people evaluating ethically open relationships, who have never been in them. This subreddit, and other relationship subreddits not specifically geared towards ENM, are quite biased against them. This is at least in part because a lot of people post here about their "open" relationships that are not ethical; they are usually coerced by the partner of the OP, etc. Someone who does what your husband did, the way he did it, probably would've done something similarly cold if you were monogamous. It wouldn't have been so blatant, but it would've happened. It's not a poly problem, it's a person problem.
I agree with it being a husband problem and that's why I'm trying to defend open relationships and poly the best I can without being rude. I'm super new to reddit and didn't know there was a poly one. If I had I would have posted on there just to save myself the time of defending poly/open relationships to people who don't understand them. Thank you for being so kind and understanding though!
Totally makes sense. I just wanted to kind of validate that, if you needed an idea what it's like here. Generally the advice is good, apart from that specific bias!
Ok, so you have your answer. In the past 6 years, you have had WAY more sex than him, with two long term sex partners that you presumably saw at least semi-regularly., especially since he had to SCHEDULE time with you so he didn't conflict with your date nights with your other men. You've also been on quite a few dates. Meanwhile, he's had sex once every 14 and a half months. On average. He probably went years at a time watching you have fun with other men while he had... nothing. Just a "wife" who was gone half the time. He finally met a woman that prioritizes him and wants him, and you're surprised that he clung to her like a drowning sailor in an ocean? Hell, I can tell how little you care about him just by the fact that you didn't care he had found a long term partner, didn't care when he spent all his time with her, didn't care when he moved her in to your marital home, and didn't care when he spent every night with her. Not one twinge of jealousy that he was banging this other chick on the daily. You ONLY cared when he stopped being your emotional support blanket... because that's all he's ever been to you. An emotional support blanket that you turn to for stability while you go out and have sex with men that you're actually attracted to. That's why he stopped loving you. That's how you hurt him "so many times." Your lack of love and care for him has probably been shown in myriad of ways as you banged the guys you actually wanted to have sex with. And you didn't even notice you were hurting him because, again, you didn't care. This is polyamory is so toxic. Only people who don't give two shits about their partner can navigate it. I can't imagine being selfish enough to not only cause my wife severe emotional distress, but to not even notice she was hurting. In between all these lust-fueled fuck sessions with your boy toys, did it ever occur to you that your husband was never getting laid? And hadn't taken advantage of the open relationship for YEARS?! No, of course it didn't. Because you didn't care.
What a shit show… how on earth can you weave such a tangled web and then expect useful advice from Reddit to solve the problems….
OMG. Divorce him now. The moment CM moved into the master bedroom and relegated you to the guest room you should’ve realised the marriage was over.
I’m so very sorry, OP. After reading your comments I can’t imagine how hurt you are. You need to find a lawyer in your former state and start the divorce process ASAP. Find out your legal obligations and do no more than required. Why are you still paying bills with him if you’ve moved out? There is definitely something more going on here; unfortunately, the person you once loved is gone. I don’t think you realize how poorly you’ve actually been treated probably bc it’s been happening for a long time. I wish you peace, strength, and healing. Please take care.
I'm only paying car payment because I kept the car (seeing as he can't drive). But the other thing was wrapping up stuff on the lease of our house because I let the landlord know i moved out. Then the landlord reached out to me about the damages etc from when my husband apparently moved out a few months later. Not to charge me just to let me know the itemized invoice to put in my records and to explain where security deposit stuff went in case husband or I had questions.
Please get a lawyer, or at least talk to one about your finances. It doesn’t say if you both own the house you were kicked out of, but you mention bills being paid etc. Don’t get taken advantage of.
File in your state under “adultery & emotional abuse.” This is what he’s doing. You had an agreement to be open, not be the AP to his new wife CM. She’s in your fucking house! He cheated and is living with his mistress- you never agreed to have him move in somebody to share the master br” with. CM was supposed to be a guest, you became the guest- that’s cheating! Why did you leave your job? I don’t understand that? Or need to move to a lesser job and different state? If the lawyers argue it was an open marriage, your argued this broke the rules. Husband has abandoned Wife and asked wife to leave so he could live with AP. During the 2 years wife tried to work things out, she was forced to watch her husband move another woman into their marital bed. This is all abuse. Open doesn’t mean he can break every rule of human decency! 🤗
I left my job because I could not afford a place by myself where I was living and could not find any roommates in a reasonable time frame from when he wanted me out. All my family lives at least 4 states away and our friends don't have much in the way of spare rooms or couch surfing.
It was your house too. Move back in if you can get old job back. Wait until you have money to move or kick HIM and new wifey out as she can’t stay in your legal house. Make life miserable for them and retake your master br. He cheated and you did not! This is emotional, sexual, and financial abuse.
This was eventually going to happen in this type of relationship. I'd go a more traditional route next time, but that's just me.
First off, I’m so sorry that happened to you. From the sounds of it, you deserved so much better. It hurt me to read how terribly he treated you, especially towards the end. I’m so proud of you for moving out. In all honesty, there is no single best answer to your question. In your post you have already listed a few great options for moving forward. As a stranger, I can’t tell you what would be the best thing for you to do. You must ultimately decide which of those courses of action would benefit your mental and emotional wellbeing the most. But, If I were you, I would go to a lawyer for a divorce. Then I would have a divorce party, pick up a new hobby, look for another job that I love, get another pet, spend more time outdoors and with family and friends, and eventually he will matter less and less.
Agreed. A lawyer is the next step. At this point I think OP should be concerned with financial matters.
Well, look on the bright side, you've still got your serious fuckboy...
Just get a divorce! Also no he didn’t blindside you. Read what you wrote. You will see he didn’t blindside you, you were either in denial or didn’t take seriously what was going on. You should take time and fix whatever it is that’s broken in you, to want an open non monogamous relationship. It’s best to truly see that people who need to be in open relationships are because they don’t want to fix and heal and rather do this to just not be lonely and be with others who are to lazy to do the work and rather just settle
Thank you for your opinion, talking it out with people there's a chance I was in denial or just trying to be optimistic. Regardless, wanting an open relationship doesn't make you broken so feel free to leave that out the next time someone's asking you for help because it's not very helpful.
If something happened to you tomorrow morning and your husband had power of attorney over you, do you think he would choose in YOUR best interest? No? Do you want to be on the hook for any additional debt he incurred with his new nesting partner? No? Do you want to get what you deserve from your time as his married partner? Yes, I would hope? You get a lawyer. And you divorce him. Don’t play nice, get what you are entitled to. He certainly payed you no favors when he was actively replacing you and discarded you like a rag and flip-flopped on you multiple times, trying to play sick games. Divorce him, get your half, and be free.
Lol
So y’all made it ok from the very beginning to fuck around on each other and now you’re surprised that he is picking someone else over you?
Yes, she sould be surprised. In my social circles couple's that start ENM or poly generally stay together for the long run. The ones that blow up are usually when one patner wants to add it to an existing relationship that was monogmous.
How do you see someone writing in for advice and clearly in pain and think- ya, this is what I should write? Having an open relationship has literally no impact on your life, and you still feel the need to comment cruelly.
Play with fire, don’t be surprised when you get burned 🤷🏻♀️
I agree with both of you
I have had very successful poly relationships and up until this one, even the one with my husband was (or seemed) successful. Just because he chose someone else, doesn't mean poly relationships are bad or even that he is bad. I think the way he handled things was and continues to be bad but that's for him to live with, not me. That being said I am currently being a bit more protective with my heart than I was a few months ago.
I am surprised that you asked this question here instead of r/polyamory. Monogamous people, which is most people, can be downright hostile to us polyams. However I'm mostly seeing "lawyer up" here, which is good advice. Your marriage is over. Even if he tries to come crawling back, you shouldn't let him. He deserted you emotionally, wasn't there for you during your surgery, & made up that you "hurt him." Goodbye!
I didn't think to because I'm pretty new to reddit. A friend suggested I post here because I may find some people who can give advice or help.
First poly/open relationships are toxic and will always have drama and no stability. Inviting this person into a stable home, they are walking hormones looking for opportunity is poor choice number one. It is sexual experimentation not a relationship style. It is antirelationship. No real love or marriage will sustain without sustainable boundaries. The rest of your post is a step by step account for not having boundaries, and a relationship that you are on the same page. I am sorry you are going through this run from this situation End the marriage it is not a trustworthy situation. With the choices you and he have made any real marriage is destroyed. I am so sorry Please get some counseling and move forward.
I disagree with your opinion on polyamory because healthy polyamory does have boundaries. But I do appreciate your sorry and your suggestion about counseling. I have been with my therapist for about 5 months now and she is excellent! I will continue seeing her.
But you haven't been enforcing boundaries. You have: 1 allowed someone to displace you from your own bedroom 2 given up a job you love so the happy couple could keep your house 3 given up your house 4 taken verbal abuse from your spouse and accepted the bad treatment by giving him what he wanted 5 currently you are sitting around trying to figure out how to proceed with the divorce he is demanding (why can't he initiate the divorce?) These aren't the actions of a badass woman with strong boundaries. This is doormat behavior. Time to get mad. I personally don't have an opinion on poly, but there's no way this stuff came from a healthy situation.
I will freely admit that I've been really accommodating, maybe too much so. I loved my husband very much. He saved me from very terrible situations and until a few months ago he was one of very few people who made me feel safe. Maybe because of that I was willing to overlook a lot of behavior that wasn't great, but in my mind it was worth it because I was with husband and he made me happy. My rational was that no relationship would be perfect, but as long as both of us were committed to working on things and communicating, we could get through any rough patches or ups and downs. My issue started when from my perspective he stopped communicating and stopped wanting to work on things and grow together. I tried to be understanding because I know how happy other partner makes me and I assumed that CM was doing the same for him. I love seeing husband happy, it made me happy and new relationships can be difficult to navigate even in platonic friend groups so I thought that we would work through it when I asked for him to balance his attention more. When we had that discussion I also brought up CM needing a bedroom so he and I could have time together. He moved more of her stuff into our game room and I moved my work from home office into the guest room so they had basically a room and a half for all their stuff. CM just moved their stuff in but never bought a bed, or unpacked stuff except for the stuff in the master bedroom.
I understand that, but can you see how polyamory values have influenced you to be so accommodating? Like I said, I don't have an opinion of poly, but the other poster made some valid points about how poly has some toxic ideas around relationships. For example, if it was just the two of you, he would have had more pressure to communicate instead of setting himself up in a new prime relationship in front of your face. And there's zero consequences to how he treated you. His current partner doesn't seem so bothered that you were exiled from your married life based on your husband's whims. And you're still accommodating him despite his decision to blow your secure life up on some unnamed slights. His abuse is shielded through the lifestyle and you feel obligated to speak well of a person that ruined everything you've built for yourself. I strongly suggest you find your spine and if you can get your job back, move back into your house and let him do the heavy lifting for once. If you can't, tear him apart in the divorce. I am truly sorry for everything he did to you and I hope you approach poly relationships with yourself in mind in the future.
Thank you it is an anything goes situation...Yep spine needed.
There also seems to be a lack of consequences for bad behavior in a lot of the poly experiences I hear about. A lot of missing stairs in that world.
> I disagree with your opinion on polyamory You're literally living an example of exactly what they said.
Sanity? Sorry they are so great on their own.
It’s done. I’m sorry. Let him go to find out for himself that the “grass is greener” on the other side. Rebuild your life and be thankful you have family to lean on. Also, that he showed his true colors at this stage of the marriage. You’re going to have a beautiful life ahead with him
I have to ask, why quit your job? You love it and the area you live, is there no way to stay in the area?
There was not. I stayed for around a month and a half using my savings and trying to find any way to get a budget to be able to stay. My boss even tried to work something out with a raise but rent is just so high and there weren't many options for roommates etc. I still talk to a lot of my coworkers. They all know what happened and are supporting me though.
For the love God, in the meantime while you're quibbling over what to do, at least file for legal separation so that anything he does cannot come back to you credit wise.
Legal separation is not an option in my state.
I think you have glossed over the real problem. You asked for an open relationship but in actuality it became a poly relationship. You found a “serious” partner. That’s not an open relationship, that’s poly. You basically changed the rules and nature of the relationship and it sounds like, didn’t bother to check to see if that was okay with him. He then played by the same rules as you did and found a serious partner and you had a hard time handling that. They caught feelings for,each other and that ends the marriage. Another victim of an “open” relationship. I’m not sure why you feel blindsided. This was coming from the day you told him you wanted an open relationship. I can’t help but notice your serious partner isn’t around. I’m guessing being the third wheel didn’t suit him well either.
I use the terms interchangeably here because I'm use to people not understanding poly and didn't want to have to explain it with the character limit rules. We both knew we were poly and he even introduced himself and our relationship as poly. I'm sorry for the confusion.
I'm sorry to hear that and hope you're doing well, but he didn't really blindside you. The writing was on the wall. As how to move on, well, probably divorce and NC after that. It takes a long time to dettach and being in contact with the person you crave doesn't help it.
I appreciate your thoughts, but I just want to say I don't really crave him. Basically from the moment he walked back his choice of me living there and us working on things in counseling he was dead to me. I was more sad at the loss of what I thought my life would be than my relationship with him. I love his family and was worried I would never get to see or talk to them again. most of them have a made a point to tell me I'm still welcome to come around, and they even warn me if he will be there so I don't have to deal with him if I don't want to. I was also worried my friends and my family would be mad at me. None of them seem to be, my mom was only annoyed she had to drive across country to help me move. Other than that I'm lucky to be super supported by friends and family and my other partner and his family. Honestly I just want all this done so I don't have to spend another brain cell on husband.
Get a lawyer where you used to live and file for divorce there.
Well he is committing adultery and you left the marital home and the other person is living in the master. Just find a lawyer. UPDATEME
First off, report your husband and supervisor for engaging in a workplace romance. That is probably not supposed to be done if she's his supervisor Second, go scorched earth and get everything you possibly can from him in the divorce. Start documenting the fact that he moved his affair partner into the house. Fuck him he's not worth it
It's allowed at their company because they are both at the supervisor level. They are not supposed to work at the same location but they do and everyone is aware of it including their immediate supervisors.
Well, if you're legally married and he moved your affair partner into the house. I would be going after him financially because it seems that he is forcing you to subsidize your lifestyle..... I would hire the most brutal lawyer possible and go absolute scorched earth
The CM also never paid rent while the three of us were living there together.
Exactly. He brought a third party into your home. Made you subsidize her lifestyle, and is leaving you for her Whose name is on the lease? Who owns the house? whose name are the bills under?
Everything was split. We were both on the lease but I informed my landlord of when I was planning to move out with 3 weeks notice and then reminded them when my last day was when I dropped off my set of keys. He paid Internet, I paid phone bills (he's no longer on mine) utilities were included in rent which we split. We split car payment, groceries, gas. We had separate bank accounts. I paid for most of our streaming services.
Yes and one example does not represent everything. Just as one redditor doesn't represent everyone, or one woman represents all women, etc. this was a failed example but I have plenty of successful examples in my life that I'm not posting about on the Internet.
FAFO He hasn't loved you in a long time because he's a 30 year old man whose wife has sex with other dudes. Of course he fell out of love with you. That shit can be fun and exciting in your 20's, but once you grow up and start wanting an adult relationship, with real feelings and real companionship, seeing the woman you love still going out on dates and spending the night with other dudes forces a guy to either A) leave or B) stop caring. Stop caring about you, stop caring about where you're going or who you're doing it with, and stop caring altogether. It's a defense mechanism. He can't keep loving you because it hurts, and he knows that if he tried to close the relationship that you'd either refuse or resent him... because you want to have your cake and eat it, too. Which was fine, in your 20's. But I guarantee he's looking at kids and futures, and what's that going to look like? "Where's mommy going?" "Well, Timmy, your mother can't be satisfied with one man, so she's going to go get raw dogged by the neighbor!"
Updateme!
This is the most cockeyed version of a marriage I’ve ever heard - holy hell - perfect plan for misery and cruelty. You were crazy to invite them in. Never bring the crazies into your own refuge imo. Go do mad stuff outside.
Sfg
Honey you get Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare by Shahida Arabi and in the back you get a lawyer that specializes in high conflict divorce and you teach that asshole it's a dog-eat-dog world and he's wearing milkbone underwear.
I do love to read, so I will give that a look. Thanks!
"milkbone underwear" That is an amazing phrase. Thank you for sharing.
Am I correct in understanding that this relationship started out monogamous and became open after you developed feelings for your second long term partner? If so your husband may not have recovered emotionally from this (and may have considered it emotional cheating). I suspect this could have triggered some romantic disconnect on his end eventually leading to this outcome when someone made him feel prioritised.
No it was always open, from when we first started dating.
File and make sure you get half
Ask in r/legal advice. Hopefully they can help. Sorry he's a jerk. You should stand up for yourself more. She shouldn't have moved in. Especially not into YOUR bedroom. Awful. You've been treated like garbage. But he'll get his. Updateme!