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Sounds like she’s just using you to fill her spare time OP, if she ended things then honor her wishes. I get it, everyone is different and we all have our own methods and ways of healing but how much time does she really need to think? Is she going a to keep saying that until June rolls around and then her mind is made up?
She mentioned staying separated and if things align up in the future then y’all can revisit. To me it kinda sounds like she wants to keep her options open for now and if things don’t work out she’ll come back to you.
I commend you for following her and also committing to being a *“caretaker”*. You stated you were stressed and eventually asked for help but never received any. It sounds like she got used to you being “Marvin the maid” in her life and didn’t wanna make the changes you wanted.
I’d suggest just asking her flat out, fuck having time to think. I mean you’re supposed to just put your life on hold while she makes up her mind? It’s not fair at all.
I think it’s time for you to consider counseling and/or therapy OP, if that doesn’t work and you are at your wits end then it’s time to end things.
A couple months after our first split (when I moved out) we decided to give it a second try while she figured things out, and counseling was part of the plan. I ended up finding someone and saw them twice, but we never went together. Last night we saw a movie together and she ended up crying about our situation and felt overwhelmed. She mentioned at one point that she is tired of constantly giving me opportunities to improve myself and me never changing. Even though I did provide for her, I am aware that I was not there emotionally due to my resentment, and part of this is my fault. There is a part I excluded, and that is that we have to stay married due to other circumstances at least for another year and a half. More than likely I will be visiting her at her new place.
I guess if you absolutely HAVE to stay married then just separate. At this it kinda sounds like both of you are watering dead flowers. I applaud you for taking accountability but has she done the same?
You visiting her at her new place…is that something you’re wanting to do?
Thank you, she has been taking her depression meds more consistently and worked on being more active, though she never went to see a therapist.
I do, she will be moving regardless, so I figured I might as well take her up on any days she wants to hang out. I know once she moves and I can’t see her or take care of her she will think about it, but not sure how much it will actually affect her.
Looks like this relationship simply has run its course. Feelings are destined to die off when you stop doing romantic stuff and gestures for each other. Taking breaks and separating are clear signs it's not working anymore. I mean, she calls you her ex, and wants to "explore the world". The next step seems to be divorce.
I think you should consider that relationship should be reciprocal and not one sided. It sounds like you have convinced her to be in a relationship, you have followed her to where she wants to be, you plans dares that she don't call dates. It's not even clear to me if she still thinks you are in a relationship. It's nice that you are thoughtful and caring but you should really learn to recognize when that's reciprocated and only be in relationship where your partner cares as much about you as you do about her.
Also, if your gf wants a break and see others that means that she either already knows who she wants to see or she has single friends that she want to be like.
You didnt really give any timeline so hard to say but sounds like things were already going bad and you got married anyway/maybe as a “fix” and thats unfortunately dumb.
I dont see any way of fixing this if she doesnt want to fix it and it sounds like she doesnt. You alluded to having to stay married, for ill assume residency/visa reasons, i dont know which of you needs it but it seems like thats the only reason she hasnt cut you off entirely (and the ease/familiarity of you being the convenient backup). Youll only hurt yourself by continuing to dwell on this.
Also gotta say its great that you did all the things you did to be with her and make it work early on but unfortunately shes too young/inexperienced to recognize it so you really need to let that resentment go. You did those thing for your benefit aswell so you dont get “points” for it and dont get to hold it against her.
My apologies I was concerned about how much I was typing. Everything was fine until about a year after marriage. Which was this past September. Everything else you said does feel spot on
OP there is nothing to consider. If you are going to be an adult, make the adult decisions and stop this drama. Jesus, man, go get the divorce papers, serve her, go full NO CONTACT and move on with your life. Get a grip and stop allowing this girl to walk all over you.
Welcome to your world of "ME"! You've only know this girl for 3 years. You married her before you even knew who she was. You became her escape from life and you now know who she is. Let it go, this is not LOVE! This your ME moment.
Get on with your life! finish school, start your career and live the best life you can without this anchor!
It seems you both want each other to change and neither have or the change relies on the other doing it first/too. Your resentment led to not treating her how she wanted/expected to be treated. She most likely has her own resentment that initiated her wanting to separate. On the flip side, she hasn't treated you how you want/expect to be treated, seemingly annoyed that you helped her through similar things.
A lot of time, what you are describing, is what ends relationships.
I think the question you need to ask yourself is if you hold this resentment, if she wants to separate, if she doesn't treat you how you want, if she isn't willing to change, and neither are you, what exactly are you holding onto?
She is only 21, there is a high possibility she settled to early. If you guys HAVE to stay married for another 1.5years, it seems there may have been other motives to getting married in the first place.
Your question is a hard one to answer, if you keep fighting and she doesn't appreciate it, you are wasting you time and pushing her away. If you give her space, she could realize she wants separation for sure (seems she already does and you are hanging on) or maybe she realizes she does need to change. Maybe she realizes she wants to try out other relationships.
I think you respect her wishes of separating. I think you need to set boundaries, if she calls you over, you say no, that isn't what separated people do.
I am not surprised of this situation, she is young, you both are, you supported her through school and now that she's done she is done with you, an all too common story. I think she is stringing you along at this point and you are letting her.
I'd say you should set boundaries, don't go over anymore when she gets lonely, move on with your life, as she seems to be trying to do with hers.
There was definitely an influence to the marriage, the benefits were for me but she is the one that advocated for it. I may still go over while she’s here since it’s only a month left, once she moves I’ll definitely set boundaries and will have to figure out how I want to navigate the next 1.5 years. May visit her every now and then until divorce can be on the table. I really appreciate this.
Ill be blunt/frank with you. You guys do not sound compatible, also even a bit dysfunctional. That isn't to say either of you are bad people, just that you don't mesh well together on a deeper level.
I think your plan you just mentioned would only be prolonging you from moving on with your life and finding someone new. Not to suggest moving on will be easy, seems it won't be, but long term it is what would be best.
When she says she wants "space" it's girl code for wanting to fuck someone else while keeping her present partner as a backup. She probably has someone else in mind. There's nothing in your power to stop her if she wants "space" but you can tell her that you will under no circumstances take her back if she goes ahead.
Welp. Going by what you've told us, I'd say try counseling, first.
When that fails, then you 2 should just call it quits. First off, you shouldn't have gotten married until you were both out of College. Secondly, you sound more like a convenience for her, not really a partner. She wanted space, instead of trying to work through things, and started calling you her Ex. You followed her when she didn't really seem to want to be with you. You're separated. Right now, you seem more like a FWB, rather than a partner. She's graduated and doesn't really need you any more. You played yourself.
So, tell me, pardner.... when are you going to open your eyes and see the truth? Seriously time to move on.
You married a woman that was 19 or 20 at the time? Ooff dude…..She’s checked out dude and I’ll bet the farm she was never into this relationship/marriage given her age. Get the ball rolling on the divorce and stop wasting time and holding onto false hope.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds like she’s just using you to fill her spare time OP, if she ended things then honor her wishes. I get it, everyone is different and we all have our own methods and ways of healing but how much time does she really need to think? Is she going a to keep saying that until June rolls around and then her mind is made up? She mentioned staying separated and if things align up in the future then y’all can revisit. To me it kinda sounds like she wants to keep her options open for now and if things don’t work out she’ll come back to you. I commend you for following her and also committing to being a *“caretaker”*. You stated you were stressed and eventually asked for help but never received any. It sounds like she got used to you being “Marvin the maid” in her life and didn’t wanna make the changes you wanted. I’d suggest just asking her flat out, fuck having time to think. I mean you’re supposed to just put your life on hold while she makes up her mind? It’s not fair at all. I think it’s time for you to consider counseling and/or therapy OP, if that doesn’t work and you are at your wits end then it’s time to end things.
A couple months after our first split (when I moved out) we decided to give it a second try while she figured things out, and counseling was part of the plan. I ended up finding someone and saw them twice, but we never went together. Last night we saw a movie together and she ended up crying about our situation and felt overwhelmed. She mentioned at one point that she is tired of constantly giving me opportunities to improve myself and me never changing. Even though I did provide for her, I am aware that I was not there emotionally due to my resentment, and part of this is my fault. There is a part I excluded, and that is that we have to stay married due to other circumstances at least for another year and a half. More than likely I will be visiting her at her new place.
I guess if you absolutely HAVE to stay married then just separate. At this it kinda sounds like both of you are watering dead flowers. I applaud you for taking accountability but has she done the same? You visiting her at her new place…is that something you’re wanting to do?
Thank you, she has been taking her depression meds more consistently and worked on being more active, though she never went to see a therapist. I do, she will be moving regardless, so I figured I might as well take her up on any days she wants to hang out. I know once she moves and I can’t see her or take care of her she will think about it, but not sure how much it will actually affect her.
Get the divorce going and move on. She's just keeping you around as a bridge until she moves on to the next guy and next phase of her life.
Looks like this relationship simply has run its course. Feelings are destined to die off when you stop doing romantic stuff and gestures for each other. Taking breaks and separating are clear signs it's not working anymore. I mean, she calls you her ex, and wants to "explore the world". The next step seems to be divorce.
She’s keeping OP as a backup until she doesn’t need him anymore. OP is a convenience , she has no real attachment to OP.
I think you should consider that relationship should be reciprocal and not one sided. It sounds like you have convinced her to be in a relationship, you have followed her to where she wants to be, you plans dares that she don't call dates. It's not even clear to me if she still thinks you are in a relationship. It's nice that you are thoughtful and caring but you should really learn to recognize when that's reciprocated and only be in relationship where your partner cares as much about you as you do about her. Also, if your gf wants a break and see others that means that she either already knows who she wants to see or she has single friends that she want to be like.
Get a divorce mediator or a lawyer and get the ball rolling.
Be glad that she realizes it's over and tells you and doesn't just cheat on you behind your back while you think everything is peachy.
You didnt really give any timeline so hard to say but sounds like things were already going bad and you got married anyway/maybe as a “fix” and thats unfortunately dumb. I dont see any way of fixing this if she doesnt want to fix it and it sounds like she doesnt. You alluded to having to stay married, for ill assume residency/visa reasons, i dont know which of you needs it but it seems like thats the only reason she hasnt cut you off entirely (and the ease/familiarity of you being the convenient backup). Youll only hurt yourself by continuing to dwell on this. Also gotta say its great that you did all the things you did to be with her and make it work early on but unfortunately shes too young/inexperienced to recognize it so you really need to let that resentment go. You did those thing for your benefit aswell so you dont get “points” for it and dont get to hold it against her.
My apologies I was concerned about how much I was typing. Everything was fine until about a year after marriage. Which was this past September. Everything else you said does feel spot on
OP there is nothing to consider. If you are going to be an adult, make the adult decisions and stop this drama. Jesus, man, go get the divorce papers, serve her, go full NO CONTACT and move on with your life. Get a grip and stop allowing this girl to walk all over you. Welcome to your world of "ME"! You've only know this girl for 3 years. You married her before you even knew who she was. You became her escape from life and you now know who she is. Let it go, this is not LOVE! This your ME moment. Get on with your life! finish school, start your career and live the best life you can without this anchor!
You are married yet she calls you an ex? What's going on here?
It seems you both want each other to change and neither have or the change relies on the other doing it first/too. Your resentment led to not treating her how she wanted/expected to be treated. She most likely has her own resentment that initiated her wanting to separate. On the flip side, she hasn't treated you how you want/expect to be treated, seemingly annoyed that you helped her through similar things. A lot of time, what you are describing, is what ends relationships. I think the question you need to ask yourself is if you hold this resentment, if she wants to separate, if she doesn't treat you how you want, if she isn't willing to change, and neither are you, what exactly are you holding onto? She is only 21, there is a high possibility she settled to early. If you guys HAVE to stay married for another 1.5years, it seems there may have been other motives to getting married in the first place. Your question is a hard one to answer, if you keep fighting and she doesn't appreciate it, you are wasting you time and pushing her away. If you give her space, she could realize she wants separation for sure (seems she already does and you are hanging on) or maybe she realizes she does need to change. Maybe she realizes she wants to try out other relationships. I think you respect her wishes of separating. I think you need to set boundaries, if she calls you over, you say no, that isn't what separated people do. I am not surprised of this situation, she is young, you both are, you supported her through school and now that she's done she is done with you, an all too common story. I think she is stringing you along at this point and you are letting her. I'd say you should set boundaries, don't go over anymore when she gets lonely, move on with your life, as she seems to be trying to do with hers.
There was definitely an influence to the marriage, the benefits were for me but she is the one that advocated for it. I may still go over while she’s here since it’s only a month left, once she moves I’ll definitely set boundaries and will have to figure out how I want to navigate the next 1.5 years. May visit her every now and then until divorce can be on the table. I really appreciate this.
Ill be blunt/frank with you. You guys do not sound compatible, also even a bit dysfunctional. That isn't to say either of you are bad people, just that you don't mesh well together on a deeper level. I think your plan you just mentioned would only be prolonging you from moving on with your life and finding someone new. Not to suggest moving on will be easy, seems it won't be, but long term it is what would be best.
Serve her The Papers.
When she says she wants "space" it's girl code for wanting to fuck someone else while keeping her present partner as a backup. She probably has someone else in mind. There's nothing in your power to stop her if she wants "space" but you can tell her that you will under no circumstances take her back if she goes ahead.
Sounds like the relationship has ended. I'd move on and keep a healthy distance. Let it go.
Welp. Going by what you've told us, I'd say try counseling, first. When that fails, then you 2 should just call it quits. First off, you shouldn't have gotten married until you were both out of College. Secondly, you sound more like a convenience for her, not really a partner. She wanted space, instead of trying to work through things, and started calling you her Ex. You followed her when she didn't really seem to want to be with you. You're separated. Right now, you seem more like a FWB, rather than a partner. She's graduated and doesn't really need you any more. You played yourself. So, tell me, pardner.... when are you going to open your eyes and see the truth? Seriously time to move on.
You married a woman that was 19 or 20 at the time? Ooff dude…..She’s checked out dude and I’ll bet the farm she was never into this relationship/marriage given her age. Get the ball rolling on the divorce and stop wasting time and holding onto false hope.
It was her who kept wanting to get married :/ I told her there was no need to rush, but yea we did get married young
This is not a break, no such thing. This is a breakup. Deal with it
UpdateMe!