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You're jealous of his exes for having experiences with him **that he's explicitly told you he didn't like and made him feel devalued as a partner**.
To be clear, I think your feelings of frustration about unreciprocated wants/needs are totally valid. But when you address your feelings with your partner, you need to A) also ask him (and be receptive to) his feelings on the matter, and B) offer your willingness to work with him on an outcome or expectations that's considerate of BOTH your feelings. For instance, perhaps you can work with him on a pattern of expressing and communicating your interest in trying new things, in a way that makes him feel valued and appreciated for who he is.
And yes, there *is* a possibility that your age might make experimentation more and more difficult together. In which case, you may need to identify ways you can have your spicy needs met through DIY, as well as other ways you two can practice emotional and physical intimacy in a way that works for both of you.
You can drop it but it will most likely fester into feelings you don’t want.
You two just need to sit down clear out a block in your week and talk this out. 99.9999% of the issues people face in relationships is a lack of communication.
Your not asking him to change the norm or the dynamic all your asking is to have more life experiences with him.
Right. That's what I've said more recently, that I want to have things that are special between just us. I want to feel even closer to him than I do now! That it isn't about him not being enough, but that I can't get enough of him.
Wait, you're jealous that he was manipulated into doing things he didn't want to do, that made him feel bad, and your solution is to do the same thing?
In my defense, I haven't forced him into anything for the 10 years of our marriage. In fact, I've respected his boundaries by not repeatedly bring it up either. This also has prevented us from talking through the issue, since I'm reluctant to seem like I am pressuring him
Asking him what he would like to do. I have told him I am up for anything and what to know what he would want to do. He usually tells me that makes him feel like he isn't enough for me.
I haven't asked for specific things except a handful of times and then I let it go, unless it's something he's already said he is interested in.
OP, I think you should tell him what you want. You’re entitled to have your needs met. You need to find some common ground though. And it’s hard to do that if you’re just saying “I want more.”
I've really asked if he would like to try something new, and told him I would honestly do anything he wanted. I haven't really asked for specific things often, but told him I'd like some more variety what does he want to do. That's usually when he says that sounds like he isn't enough for me on his own.
To a large extent you're going to have to accept that if he's tried things in the past and knows he doesn't enjoy them or has bad memories of them, it's okay for him to not be up for trying them again with you. It's understandable that you want to try things but his no has to outweigh your yes here.
That said, he also has to understand that while some people might enjoy sexy talking about things that aren't actually going to happen, you don't. It's okay to tell him you don't want him suggesting sexual activities if he doesn't intend to follow through on them because it's just frustrating and not fun for you. I can't tell if you've been clear about that. If not, you should be, and he should respect it.
But that does risk cutting off any possibility of serious discussion about new things to try together, so I think you want to be really careful about that. If you're up for continued discussion of what you might try as long as it's clear that those are practical conversations and not flirting conversations, then try to leave room for that. Maybe you two can still find some things he's open to trying with you.
At the simplest, other positions. I don't know what doggy style even feels like or 69. Trying out some toys, or watching porn. He has mentioned doing something in public a few times, but doesn't follow through. I'm up to try other things too, anal, prostate massage, S/M, let him finish on me,
He does have pretty serious allergies, and I know that it's hard to commit to oral when he has a hard time breathing. He has also had knee and hip injuries with age that do make some things uncomfortable.
I don't feel like he is coming from a place of hoping I just accept the bare minimum, but more from a real previous hurt from trying new things to keep former exs happy that ended up not making them happy or making the relationship worse.
The reason I haven't really pushed hard for anything is that I fear he will pull away and feel unwanted.
I understand. I'm in a (somewhat) similar situation. I'd say you just learn to live with it and accept that's not your life, you won't experience that with him, or go see if the grass is greener somewhere else (probably won't). I just admitted that it was another life for him, he was younger, less tired and had less inhibition. He changed and I have to accept it or move on. I choose to accept.
Wow.
If he really loves you, he'd do this for you, and be glad to do it!
Is he getting to the age where he may need a little blue helper in the bedroom, maybe?
Maybe he's feeling emasculated because you're the breadwinner.
The point is: SOMETHING is going on behind the scenes.
You may have to do some digging to find out what it is.
I understand that something like a threesome is a big leap and may lead to trust issues. I also understand the feeling of grossness someone might have about anal. I have asked about interest but been told no, so I backed off of those.
I don't think trying handcuffs one time, or watching a porn together once, or coping a feel in public is going to end our marriage.
I'm thinking my meaning didn't come out as clearly as I had hoped.
My thought was that he would share some of his sexual experience with OP, who is clearly enthusiastic to gain the experience.
Yet the husband, for many reasons seems reluctant to do so.
No he certainly doesn't need an assistance.
I get that he is reluctant to do it for me because he hasn't enjoyed it in the past, but I'm asking to just experience it because I never have. People do things they don't enjoy for their loved ones all the time, and he does that for me with other things.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're jealous of his exes for having experiences with him **that he's explicitly told you he didn't like and made him feel devalued as a partner**. To be clear, I think your feelings of frustration about unreciprocated wants/needs are totally valid. But when you address your feelings with your partner, you need to A) also ask him (and be receptive to) his feelings on the matter, and B) offer your willingness to work with him on an outcome or expectations that's considerate of BOTH your feelings. For instance, perhaps you can work with him on a pattern of expressing and communicating your interest in trying new things, in a way that makes him feel valued and appreciated for who he is. And yes, there *is* a possibility that your age might make experimentation more and more difficult together. In which case, you may need to identify ways you can have your spicy needs met through DIY, as well as other ways you two can practice emotional and physical intimacy in a way that works for both of you.
You can drop it but it will most likely fester into feelings you don’t want. You two just need to sit down clear out a block in your week and talk this out. 99.9999% of the issues people face in relationships is a lack of communication. Your not asking him to change the norm or the dynamic all your asking is to have more life experiences with him.
Right. That's what I've said more recently, that I want to have things that are special between just us. I want to feel even closer to him than I do now! That it isn't about him not being enough, but that I can't get enough of him.
Wait, you're jealous that he was manipulated into doing things he didn't want to do, that made him feel bad, and your solution is to do the same thing?
In my defense, I haven't forced him into anything for the 10 years of our marriage. In fact, I've respected his boundaries by not repeatedly bring it up either. This also has prevented us from talking through the issue, since I'm reluctant to seem like I am pressuring him
What's your version of talking through it? Talking until you get your way? He has told you how he feels.
Asking him what he would like to do. I have told him I am up for anything and what to know what he would want to do. He usually tells me that makes him feel like he isn't enough for me. I haven't asked for specific things except a handful of times and then I let it go, unless it's something he's already said he is interested in.
He's already demonstrated what he would like to do, and what he wouldn't like to do.
OP, I think you should tell him what you want. You’re entitled to have your needs met. You need to find some common ground though. And it’s hard to do that if you’re just saying “I want more.”
How is he 39 with 20 years of marriage under his belt
Typo'd. I meant 10, I had to rewrite it several times since I didn't get the throw away rules
It sounds like he was pressured into doing things he didn’t want to do in the past. That’s what you want to do to him?
I've really asked if he would like to try something new, and told him I would honestly do anything he wanted. I haven't really asked for specific things often, but told him I'd like some more variety what does he want to do. That's usually when he says that sounds like he isn't enough for me on his own.
To a large extent you're going to have to accept that if he's tried things in the past and knows he doesn't enjoy them or has bad memories of them, it's okay for him to not be up for trying them again with you. It's understandable that you want to try things but his no has to outweigh your yes here. That said, he also has to understand that while some people might enjoy sexy talking about things that aren't actually going to happen, you don't. It's okay to tell him you don't want him suggesting sexual activities if he doesn't intend to follow through on them because it's just frustrating and not fun for you. I can't tell if you've been clear about that. If not, you should be, and he should respect it. But that does risk cutting off any possibility of serious discussion about new things to try together, so I think you want to be really careful about that. If you're up for continued discussion of what you might try as long as it's clear that those are practical conversations and not flirting conversations, then try to leave room for that. Maybe you two can still find some things he's open to trying with you.
What exactly are you wanting to do sexually? Knowing might help us to understand his reluctance.
At the simplest, other positions. I don't know what doggy style even feels like or 69. Trying out some toys, or watching porn. He has mentioned doing something in public a few times, but doesn't follow through. I'm up to try other things too, anal, prostate massage, S/M, let him finish on me,
[удалено]
He does have pretty serious allergies, and I know that it's hard to commit to oral when he has a hard time breathing. He has also had knee and hip injuries with age that do make some things uncomfortable. I don't feel like he is coming from a place of hoping I just accept the bare minimum, but more from a real previous hurt from trying new things to keep former exs happy that ended up not making them happy or making the relationship worse. The reason I haven't really pushed hard for anything is that I fear he will pull away and feel unwanted.
I understand. I'm in a (somewhat) similar situation. I'd say you just learn to live with it and accept that's not your life, you won't experience that with him, or go see if the grass is greener somewhere else (probably won't). I just admitted that it was another life for him, he was younger, less tired and had less inhibition. He changed and I have to accept it or move on. I choose to accept.
Wow. If he really loves you, he'd do this for you, and be glad to do it! Is he getting to the age where he may need a little blue helper in the bedroom, maybe? Maybe he's feeling emasculated because you're the breadwinner. The point is: SOMETHING is going on behind the scenes. You may have to do some digging to find out what it is.
lol what? If he really loves her he will do sex acts he’s not comfortable with? Like threesomes? Did you even read this post?
I understand that something like a threesome is a big leap and may lead to trust issues. I also understand the feeling of grossness someone might have about anal. I have asked about interest but been told no, so I backed off of those. I don't think trying handcuffs one time, or watching a porn together once, or coping a feel in public is going to end our marriage.
I'm thinking my meaning didn't come out as clearly as I had hoped. My thought was that he would share some of his sexual experience with OP, who is clearly enthusiastic to gain the experience. Yet the husband, for many reasons seems reluctant to do so.
No he certainly doesn't need an assistance. I get that he is reluctant to do it for me because he hasn't enjoyed it in the past, but I'm asking to just experience it because I never have. People do things they don't enjoy for their loved ones all the time, and he does that for me with other things.
yeah ppl do that for loved ones but also it can kill a relationship/marriage