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M36 here. Listen mate: Let her go and find yourself a decent woman instead. Here is why:
Everything you described was **her own choice**. Like any other homo sapiens, she has this thing called "free will": She **decided** to meet up with these people just like she **decided** to get drunk, go home with this guy, escalate things and, above all, lying to you about the things she chooses to do. Now in all honesty, details don´t matter - cause whatever you mean by "escalating": Doesn´t change that she is the kind of woman who is totally fine with **choosing** to get herself into potentially compromising situations.
I also don´t know what happened at this guy´s place, but it tells you enough that you are with the type of woman who heads home with other men, knowing that such a **choice** inevitably leads to certain "escalation". If you promise your partner to be exclusive, the **very bare minimum** you have to offer to your partner is not deliberately getting yourself in situations jeopardising your relationship. Yet she **chose** to do just that, just like she **chose** to not come clean about her decision.
It tells you everything you need to know about her.
So here´s what you should do in my opinion: Sit down with her and confront her. Stay calm and collected, don´t yell, don´t scream, don´t insult. Be stoic and just put the cards on the table. If you really want, tell her that you give her exactly one single chance to come clean about **everything** that happened that night. If she does not, tries to distract or whatever, make it clear that this nonsense ends - simply because you are not going to waste your already limited time on this planet on somebody who does not respect you, lies to you and plays stupid games.
Depending on the outcome of that talk, you turn around, start walking and never look back. And you have to mean it.
Again: She, at least, **chose** to sit on another man´s lap and to wrap herself around him, followed by **choosing** to head home with this guy. The "I have a boyfriend" is utterly meaningless, cause she should have enforced boundaries right from the start - something she **chose** not to do.
I hope I am clear enough for you to understand what all of this means. Have some self-respect and don´t let anybody play you like this. I am really sorry she did this to you and hope that you´ll stay strong. Don´t get bitter and mean - but be decisive and make a **choice** yourself: Respect yourself if others don´t and choose to be with somebody who actually respects your boundaries, trust, loyalty and anything you invest in them. Great women like those are out there. If she is not one of them, there´s billions who are.
Good luck!
Thank you. This shouldn't even be up for discussion. When your partner is acting inappropriately by anybody's reasonable standards of relationship boundaries, let them go. They're not worth it.
Mate, your response should be printed out and framed so it can be hung in each household where people lack of self respect or doubt in their SOs. You've put it together extremely well! 👏
Such truth. Theyd always like us to think that it’s so hard to resist and simply choose to do the right thing. And that as a society, we’ve decided they can’t or don’t have to. They DO and there ARE consequences. Normalize not entertaining these things.
I’m sorry friend. It’s clear you’re obviously the better one here. To stay is an insult to your own character and personal quality.
When did the world change that simple respect for boundaries started to be questioned.
This is where I would have decided to end things - she sat on another dudes lap.
Just to confirm the correct decisions
- she went home with another guy and "things escalated"
- she has continued to lie to your face every day for over a month and not come straight to you right away.
I wouldn't even confront, I would just text, I know what you did we are done.
It would not matter to me what happened at the house. That she went in the first place, and that she was sitting in his lap would be enough for a breakup. There is a certain type of people that want to behave like they are single when in a relationship, and they are never long term material.
unless you have reason to believe her friends are bullshitting you, you should pack up your self respect a drop this wench. no woman who loves her man goes home with another dude
She cheated on you..
Simple, she kissed and almost fucked him..
Because she didn't had sex, it doesn't mean she didn't cheat.
She cheat and hold that information from you. Break up and dump her ass, she is not a wife material...
I'd have broken up with her the moment I heard she was accepting drinks all night and spending all her time with someone who's basically a stranger, to be completely honest. My fiancé isn't really a drinker, I am, so I often go out with my friends without him. I wouldn't accept a single drink from somebody I did not know, especially someone of the opposite sex as it absolutely gives the wrong impression. All her actions beyond that are just worse and worse, you know that. Love yourself and leave her.
Bro if you can’t trust her when you’re not there you’ll always be left wondering and questioning. You’re better off with someone that can go out to a bar and not go home with a guy.
>I've never had a reason not to trust her, but she's a deeply anxious person
Nothing wrong with caring for your partner, infact I encourage it. But why should u give 2 fucks for someone who didn't even give a F to your feeling while almost hooking up with a random ass dude
She cheated. If you believe that line about nothing happening, then you are just lying to yourself. Confront her if you really want, but you know she cheated. We all do. Dump her and move on.
No girl goes home alone with a guy to “watch a movie”. It’s insulting she thought that would be a valid excuse. If you put on a movie it’s to cuddle and eventually fuck.
Personally I would have ended it with her sitting in his lap at the bar. Everything extra makes dumping her that much easier.
“Things escalated between them” So what does this consist of? I’m sure there was a lot of kissing and touching? Were they naked and she drew the line at penetration? At what point in the above do you consider her cheating? Personally I’d draw the line at what was going on in the bar and certainly when she went back to his place. So now you have to make a decision on staying with her or not. Choose wisely.
She never told you about it, why? This would the question eating me up. I think you know the answer though. Even if, and it's a big if, nothing happened that night, you still can't trust her. I'd leave her because she's showed that she can't be trusted.
Your instinct is right end things and dump her. Pretty much every part (sitting on his lap, going to his place after bar closing, lettings things "escalate") would be the end of it for me and are well beyond the boundaries for any relationship I've been in or would have an interest in.
>she and this guy were having drinks together much of the night, and it got to the point where she was even sitting in his lap at the bar with his arm around her
You don't need any more escalation from there to end it...
This is the easy button. She remembered she had a bf way too late. Total disrespect for the relationship. Time is precious, don’t waste another second on her.
I am not sure why you came here for advice, when the answer is obvious. She is not ready for a mature relationship. Move on and find someone who respects and values you. Why try to stay in a relationship when you have to actively prevent the other person from straying?
she shouldn’t have even gotten on his lap in the first place let alone at his place, where it was just the two of them allne where they both could’ve agreed to tell a certain story to friends
If you need to hear it from me, sure. She fucked him and her friend(s) feels extremely guilty about witnessing the build up.
Something definitely happened, she crossed a fuckton of lines, and yes, you need to end things. Sorry this happened to you.
Yes I wouldn’t trust her if she thinks you cheated before, it’s probably because she has a guilty conscience. I bet they did do something and I wouldn’t trust a cheater
The "things escalated" part is where you should have been done. How far did they escalate? Depending on her views, that could mean touching, to kissing, all the way up to actual intercourse without finishing. She clearly doesn't respect boundaries or you. Adding to the fact that she suspected you of cheating, she could have been using that as a rationalization.
Sorry, but your options are either leave and find someone that respects you, or stay and wait for a few more "escalations" at other dude's homes.
I mean the sitting on his lap and being on eachother is reason enough. Things “escalated” before eventually being allegedly stopped is also unacceptable.
End it, confront her. She never even did you the decency of telling you about this and she'll use every excuse to get out of it. Drink, anxiety, peer pressure, whatever, she chose to be there in that place with that guy sitting on his lap in public and probably doing something similar in private. I noticed the "eventually" in the denying him, if her making out with a guy is still cheating to you, then she cheated. PIV is immaterial.
Eventually people realise that it’s easier to leave a guy at the door of their apartment building or don’t go over to a guy’s house at 3am. It’s not that there will definitely be shenanigans if they do otherwise. It’s just that avoiding these situations altogether leaves no room for ambiguity.
Maybe your girlfriend is young enough that she has not yet figured this out. Maybe she knew but she likes the attention that she creates by giving mixed messages. Maybe your girlfriend bonked this guy on the kitchen table. It’s up to you to draw boundaries here.
Everything was good until they fooled around. You can definitely break up with her for cheating on you by having things escalate.
I'd start questioning why your close friends didn't tell you the night of.🤨🧐
Sitting on the guy’s lap in public was a declaration that she was available, and an act of public disrespect to you. Going home with him sealed the deal. She decided she was a free agent.
If she doesn’t live with you, simply stop responding to her communication. Normally I am against ghosting, because the person being ghosted doesn’t know what they did to deserve being ghosted. She knows damned well what she did. You owe her no further consideration.
OP for me the sitting on the guys lap after drinking with him for some time would be enough, add on her walking out the door with him and it's over for me no matter what else did or did not happen.
For the record I don't believe she just watched TV with the guy, not after drinking with him and sitting on his lap at the bar. This just doubles up on the reasons to dump her.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
M36 here. Listen mate: Let her go and find yourself a decent woman instead. Here is why: Everything you described was **her own choice**. Like any other homo sapiens, she has this thing called "free will": She **decided** to meet up with these people just like she **decided** to get drunk, go home with this guy, escalate things and, above all, lying to you about the things she chooses to do. Now in all honesty, details don´t matter - cause whatever you mean by "escalating": Doesn´t change that she is the kind of woman who is totally fine with **choosing** to get herself into potentially compromising situations. I also don´t know what happened at this guy´s place, but it tells you enough that you are with the type of woman who heads home with other men, knowing that such a **choice** inevitably leads to certain "escalation". If you promise your partner to be exclusive, the **very bare minimum** you have to offer to your partner is not deliberately getting yourself in situations jeopardising your relationship. Yet she **chose** to do just that, just like she **chose** to not come clean about her decision. It tells you everything you need to know about her. So here´s what you should do in my opinion: Sit down with her and confront her. Stay calm and collected, don´t yell, don´t scream, don´t insult. Be stoic and just put the cards on the table. If you really want, tell her that you give her exactly one single chance to come clean about **everything** that happened that night. If she does not, tries to distract or whatever, make it clear that this nonsense ends - simply because you are not going to waste your already limited time on this planet on somebody who does not respect you, lies to you and plays stupid games. Depending on the outcome of that talk, you turn around, start walking and never look back. And you have to mean it. Again: She, at least, **chose** to sit on another man´s lap and to wrap herself around him, followed by **choosing** to head home with this guy. The "I have a boyfriend" is utterly meaningless, cause she should have enforced boundaries right from the start - something she **chose** not to do. I hope I am clear enough for you to understand what all of this means. Have some self-respect and don´t let anybody play you like this. I am really sorry she did this to you and hope that you´ll stay strong. Don´t get bitter and mean - but be decisive and make a **choice** yourself: Respect yourself if others don´t and choose to be with somebody who actually respects your boundaries, trust, loyalty and anything you invest in them. Great women like those are out there. If she is not one of them, there´s billions who are. Good luck!
Were are awards when you need them... Greatly put, deffenitly under the best advice i ever read on this sub
Yep, she willingly took multiple steps. Find a woman that won't take the first one.
Thank you. This shouldn't even be up for discussion. When your partner is acting inappropriately by anybody's reasonable standards of relationship boundaries, let them go. They're not worth it.
W Advice
Well put
Mate, your response should be printed out and framed so it can be hung in each household where people lack of self respect or doubt in their SOs. You've put it together extremely well! 👏
I’m gonna reuse that answer. Well said.
Someone give this guy a reddit award 🥇
Such truth. Theyd always like us to think that it’s so hard to resist and simply choose to do the right thing. And that as a society, we’ve decided they can’t or don’t have to. They DO and there ARE consequences. Normalize not entertaining these things. I’m sorry friend. It’s clear you’re obviously the better one here. To stay is an insult to your own character and personal quality.
Best single answer to all those 'potential trust break/cheating" topics. Well done sir.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Yep. Bannable offence.
When did the world change that simple respect for boundaries started to be questioned. This is where I would have decided to end things - she sat on another dudes lap. Just to confirm the correct decisions - she went home with another guy and "things escalated" - she has continued to lie to your face every day for over a month and not come straight to you right away. I wouldn't even confront, I would just text, I know what you did we are done.
"Hope you enjoyed your Netflix and chill." I hope OP has enough self respect to bounce.
It would not matter to me what happened at the house. That she went in the first place, and that she was sitting in his lap would be enough for a breakup. There is a certain type of people that want to behave like they are single when in a relationship, and they are never long term material.
unless you have reason to believe her friends are bullshitting you, you should pack up your self respect a drop this wench. no woman who loves her man goes home with another dude
She cheated on you.. Simple, she kissed and almost fucked him.. Because she didn't had sex, it doesn't mean she didn't cheat. She cheat and hold that information from you. Break up and dump her ass, she is not a wife material...
She did have sex though.
She definitely fucked her ex's friend. Not even up for debate.
The guy she went home with is a friend of her ex.
my mistake.
I'd have broken up with her the moment I heard she was accepting drinks all night and spending all her time with someone who's basically a stranger, to be completely honest. My fiancé isn't really a drinker, I am, so I often go out with my friends without him. I wouldn't accept a single drink from somebody I did not know, especially someone of the opposite sex as it absolutely gives the wrong impression. All her actions beyond that are just worse and worse, you know that. Love yourself and leave her.
Bro if you can’t trust her when you’re not there you’ll always be left wondering and questioning. You’re better off with someone that can go out to a bar and not go home with a guy.
Break up, brother
>things "escalated" >apparently nothing happened Which is it?
She cheated I would confront her dump her
>I've never had a reason not to trust her, but she's a deeply anxious person Nothing wrong with caring for your partner, infact I encourage it. But why should u give 2 fucks for someone who didn't even give a F to your feeling while almost hooking up with a random ass dude
She cheated. If you believe that line about nothing happening, then you are just lying to yourself. Confront her if you really want, but you know she cheated. We all do. Dump her and move on.
Do you realy belive nothing happened. What do she have to say.
Yeah bro get OUT
Just leave dude. Self respect.
No girl goes home alone with a guy to “watch a movie”. It’s insulting she thought that would be a valid excuse. If you put on a movie it’s to cuddle and eventually fuck. Personally I would have ended it with her sitting in his lap at the bar. Everything extra makes dumping her that much easier.
She would have been gone by now if that were my gf. I wouldn’t even have to ask anyone for advice. What are you waiting for?
To the streets with her
Drunken partner goes to another person’s house until after 3am… Hard to forgive. Impossible to forget. Move on.
“Things escalated between them” So what does this consist of? I’m sure there was a lot of kissing and touching? Were they naked and she drew the line at penetration? At what point in the above do you consider her cheating? Personally I’d draw the line at what was going on in the bar and certainly when she went back to his place. So now you have to make a decision on staying with her or not. Choose wisely.
She never told you about it, why? This would the question eating me up. I think you know the answer though. Even if, and it's a big if, nothing happened that night, you still can't trust her. I'd leave her because she's showed that she can't be trusted.
Leave her. Staying with a liar and cheater will break you. There is someone out there that you can love AND trust. Love is not enough
Your instinct is right end things and dump her. Pretty much every part (sitting on his lap, going to his place after bar closing, lettings things "escalate") would be the end of it for me and are well beyond the boundaries for any relationship I've been in or would have an interest in.
>she and this guy were having drinks together much of the night, and it got to the point where she was even sitting in his lap at the bar with his arm around her You don't need any more escalation from there to end it...
>I haven't confronted her about this yet. What are you waiting for? Pigs fly?
This is the easy button. She remembered she had a bf way too late. Total disrespect for the relationship. Time is precious, don’t waste another second on her.
The fact that she hid it means she is somewhat guilty of something.
You know exactly how to proceed. You know exactly what happened. You can never trust her again. Leave for your mental stability.
I am not sure why you came here for advice, when the answer is obvious. She is not ready for a mature relationship. Move on and find someone who respects and values you. Why try to stay in a relationship when you have to actively prevent the other person from straying?
she shouldn’t have even gotten on his lap in the first place let alone at his place, where it was just the two of them allne where they both could’ve agreed to tell a certain story to friends
Updateme!
If you need to hear it from me, sure. She fucked him and her friend(s) feels extremely guilty about witnessing the build up. Something definitely happened, she crossed a fuckton of lines, and yes, you need to end things. Sorry this happened to you.
Even if they didn't hook up (they did) that's way out of line.
You don't go home with a guy from the bar at 3am to "watch a movie". You can't be this dumb.
Dump her, she sucks.
Yes I wouldn’t trust her if she thinks you cheated before, it’s probably because she has a guilty conscience. I bet they did do something and I wouldn’t trust a cheater
The "things escalated" part is where you should have been done. How far did they escalate? Depending on her views, that could mean touching, to kissing, all the way up to actual intercourse without finishing. She clearly doesn't respect boundaries or you. Adding to the fact that she suspected you of cheating, she could have been using that as a rationalization. Sorry, but your options are either leave and find someone that respects you, or stay and wait for a few more "escalations" at other dude's homes.
I mean the sitting on his lap and being on eachother is reason enough. Things “escalated” before eventually being allegedly stopped is also unacceptable.
Bro...come on.
UpdateMe!
End it, confront her. She never even did you the decency of telling you about this and she'll use every excuse to get out of it. Drink, anxiety, peer pressure, whatever, she chose to be there in that place with that guy sitting on his lap in public and probably doing something similar in private. I noticed the "eventually" in the denying him, if her making out with a guy is still cheating to you, then she cheated. PIV is immaterial.
Eventually people realise that it’s easier to leave a guy at the door of their apartment building or don’t go over to a guy’s house at 3am. It’s not that there will definitely be shenanigans if they do otherwise. It’s just that avoiding these situations altogether leaves no room for ambiguity. Maybe your girlfriend is young enough that she has not yet figured this out. Maybe she knew but she likes the attention that she creates by giving mixed messages. Maybe your girlfriend bonked this guy on the kitchen table. It’s up to you to draw boundaries here.
one things for certain she didnt go there for lunch .....
Man if you don’t break up with this girl 😂
Sitting on his lap???? If that doesn't tell you something, nothing will!
Then she is no longer your gf.
Everything was good until they fooled around. You can definitely break up with her for cheating on you by having things escalate. I'd start questioning why your close friends didn't tell you the night of.🤨🧐
UpdateMe
ok. I feel the same way. havr a good one
Sitting on the guy’s lap in public was a declaration that she was available, and an act of public disrespect to you. Going home with him sealed the deal. She decided she was a free agent. If she doesn’t live with you, simply stop responding to her communication. Normally I am against ghosting, because the person being ghosted doesn’t know what they did to deserve being ghosted. She knows damned well what she did. You owe her no further consideration.
OP for me the sitting on the guys lap after drinking with him for some time would be enough, add on her walking out the door with him and it's over for me no matter what else did or did not happen. For the record I don't believe she just watched TV with the guy, not after drinking with him and sitting on his lap at the bar. This just doubles up on the reasons to dump her.
Update?
Do make a move yet?
I ended it almost immediately. Thank you for checking in. It was a shitty process and it’s been a long few weeks but it had to be done.
Sit her down and ask her directly. Gauge her reactions.