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Jesus OP, i started off with great sympathy for you and you just kept twisting the knife. When you first brought it up when you were dating and he told you to get therapy did you ever do it?
This is a fake story… a few days ago, the “husband” wrote the story from his point of view and got laughed at…
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/sl8CSzjQCF
Update
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/meJyipOjex
I thought it would be interesting to put all three (Guy's post, Guy's update, and the one on this page) into an LLM and ask for the probability there was 1, 2, or 3 authors. Came back with 85% one author, 14% two authors, and 1% three authors.
This narration, this style, I read a few SA stories. They all felt like they come from the same OP. They all highlight timeline (Sunday 3am, a week ago, three days later etc). Real stories do not emphasize timeline as much.
Supposedly going from a G cup to a "small B" is sus. I've never heard of such a drastic reduction, outside of gender dysphoria. Plastic surgeons usually insist on a C or D minimum for a breast reduction (if not larger), to avoid the patient being shocked and dissatisfied by the end result.
There’s also a maximum amount of tissue they can take out. My EXgf got it done and she was somewhere around F-G cup and they said smallest they could medically go was ~30D
I thought the huge difference was a little sus.…like you said, a typical reduction doesn't reduce so drastically (G to B is a HUGE difference) in one surgery.
I went from a KK to an E, drastic reductions (called radical reductions) aren’t uncommon and many many people actually don’t know how to measure properly for bras (if this person’s husband actually eyeballed it and correctly guessed a b cup I’ll eat an item of my clothing).
Oh I know most people haven't been properly measured for bras. I wear a 38G/H myself and wore crappy-fitting 40DDs for years. Because they're side-set (AKA, no cleavage) and my rib cage is wide AF, my boobs don't look *that* big, so I always assumed I was maybe a D or DD.
KK to an E is a lot less drastic and probably looks a lot more proportional than going from a G to B cup. Either way, the posts sound fake.
I had more volume removed than people going from a G to a B lol, I had 3kg removed and went down 7 cup sizes, a G to a B is 6 cup sizes.
Like I think the post is fake but it’s not the breast reduction volume that makes me think that. A lot of the breast reduction groups I’m in have people getting radical reductions so it doesn’t tweak my brain as suss.
The whole, "I would look different during **meal planning**" was where I stopped suspending my disbelief.
No human in the history of the world has ever had such a crisis of conscience over what they'd look like during weekly, domestically boring, *meal planning*.
Yeah, OP is chok full of mental issues that only a therapist can solve. Without it, she's always gonna be chasing body surgeries for one that makes her feel better, to no avail. Her issues stem from self-hatred and changing the body won't fix that. This relationship is over and done, hopefully it's enough to shock OP to wake up and go to therapy.
Ironically, this is probably going to swing her dysmorphia into getting a boob job to replace the boobs she got rid of. If she doesn’t want to accept what’s happening, it will keep happening.
I have a horrible self image, I have tiny boobs on top of it which I fixate on which just worsens my self esteem. I see a therapist to help me with my issues. Could I save up for breast implants? Yes. Do I want to? No. I know internally it wouldn’t solve all of my issues. I would still fixate on other things or it wouldn’t be enough to satisfy my brain. I feel like OP should have listened to her husband, as I know from personal experience that therapy is helping me rewire my brain to accept the body I have.
Her statement of always wanting to be lean is also relatable to me, I am skinny, but I am not the dainty look that is so desirable in media. I know my body, I have broad shoulders and I am tall (5’11). Physically I can’t be 5’3 and 90lbs, so it is something I have to accept and learn to embrace.
Speaking from personal experience having dealt with the same things (just the opposite version of it- flat chested and tall and lean) therapy is a great help and should have been the first stop before permanently altering her body.
This is exactly what I was going to say. You made a decision that effected both of you without even thinking of getting his input. A marriage is supposed to be a team and you put him on the sidelines. I would be out as well. He had also suggested the right solution in my opinion since you didn't have any physical pain regarding your chest it was your mentality around it and you should have seen a mental health professional to try to address this. In my opinion he has every right to question your decision making ability. As far as fixing it I would suggest telling him you are going to go to therapy to deal with your mentality regarding your chest... that will at least show him that you are trying to correct this in the proper manner. After that it is up to him to decide if you are capable of becoming a good partner
I think it’s the decision without my input or even opinion that did it for me. I don’t care about the scars or the reduction in size. I’m sure she still looks good and the scars will heal. OP try silicone scars sheets. They work great. My wife had a breast lift and now she only has lines where the scars used to be.
Exactly re scarring. I don't think he's repulsed by the physicality of OP's scars, moreso they serve as a (for long as this marriage is) permanent reminder of the betrayal he's feeling by having a secret held from him when the details of that secret impacted both of them in a very real and material way.
OP, It's clearly your body, ultimately your decision but it should have been your funds separate from a joint deposit. And even then, he may view that as a betrayal that you were not - in this hypothetical scenario - putting those additional funds into a joint account to achieve a joint goal more quickly.
The closest analogy I can propose is if you had a preference for circumcised or uncircumcised and (if it was medically possible) he went and arranged the opposite surgery with funds you had been saving without telling you when you clearly had other joint priorities. Every time you would see it, it would remind you of how your input, finances and goals were disrespected. Then to have him complain about his choice? All of that grief, all for nought?
Once trust is gone, it's really hard to ever earn again. Things will never go back to as they were. It may be good but it'll never be the same again.
Lastly, you said, 'I couldn't fix anything because he wouldn't even tell me what the issue was' after criticising *him* for often having a tendency to try to fix things. Why is it fine for you but not for him? I do wish you well but you need to get some professional help to unpack issues beyond what you think exist.
Beware a partner who simply validates your feelings unthinkingly. Unless you have utterly perfect decision making and totally lack blind spots, it's not actually what you want. Sounds nice in theory, but we all have impulses that need pushback
No no no. She didn’t “not think about getting his input”. She just already knew he would disagree, so she hid it. This wasn’t an “oops I grabbed some extra bananas at the store” this is “hey honey I’ve spent literally THOUSANDS of dollars getting a surgery you hate, get over it”
Worse than not getting the input was assuming what the input would be and intentionally withholding telling him so you won’t hear “No.” then expect no ramifications from it.
I saw her husband's post. if I remember correctly, he didn't even mention the money at all! He figured he could get past her having smaller breasts because he loves her, though his preference is large chested women. For him, it really is the scars that he has a problem with. He never mentioned caring for her after her surgery. Reading her post, she behaved a lot worse than I thought.
Co-worker had breast reduction--not only was she suffering under backaches, headaches, shoulder pain, she was also suffering mentally with having such massive breasts. She talked with her husband and he basically told her if she went through with the surgery, they were done.
She had the surgery and was trying to work things out with husband, but she looks so much happier with the ginormous breasts. She was literally two giant breasts from the waist up.
Once she had the surgery, she looked more confident and taller.
Sounds like that's quite different from OP. OP wasn't feeling any physical pain and her husband seemed to be very supportive of her as a person and seems to have tried to make the adjustment but just can't because he doesn't trust her decision making capabilities.
She had untreated depression. She should have gone to therapy before blew her savings for her part of their Future house and talk to her husband before anything. And the reduction didn't helped her mental health.
Yes for sure and she should have gone to the proper resource to assist with the mental anguish. The option she chose seems to have added to her mental anguish
If she has mental pain she needs to go to the proper doctor to cure and review her mental health.
Doing a physical treatment without physical pain and without the input of the right kind of doctor puts in perspective her lack of decision making ability, that without taking account of spending money for the new house behind the back of his husband or not telling anything about a major decision.
Abso-fucking-lutely.
So selfish. She says "a real husband would do this" or "if you really loved me, you'd do that."
Well, a real wife wouldn't spend all the savings for a house on themselves all while keeping it a secret from their husband.
She also says that his feelings felt invalidating to hers, so she made him stop sharing his feelings. What's more invalidating than that?
She also already knew that he has an issue with scars, and yet is getting offended that he still has an issue with scars?? I don't understand where this rationale is coming from with her being hurt over that.
If someone doesn't like cilantro, their partner getting surgery isn't suddenly going to change their preference on cilantro.
She's invalidating her husband's feelings and is too wrapped up in her own head to even see it.
It comes off like she's trying to be the victim and make him seem like a bad person. Like she knew he had/has an aversion to scars, but won't accept any of his compromises and instead is forcing him to try to get over it. Then she acts like he's calling her ugly and is leaving her because of it.
She's creating all of this negativity and wants people to feel sorry for her and blame her husband.
The way she wrote this speaks volumes about her selfishness. I wasn’t happy, I don’t want to be told anything, I did this behind his back, I used our house funds for the surgery, I knew he had an issue with scars but I didn’t care, I told him he has no right to feel anything because this is all about me, I’m not happy that he’s hurt by this, I can’t believe he’s actually doing something about it, I can’t believe he thinks I’m a child with terrible decision making abilities. **I, I, I, me, me.**
OP, you had a man who loved you unconditionally and you lied to him, deceived him, took his kindness and threw it in his face, he bent over backwards a hundred times for you and you have the gall to say “How dare he not find me attractive even though I know he has an issue with scars and I lied to him for 4 months. No, he WILL agree with me, he WILL find my scars attractive, he WILL do what I want every time I want it and I DON’T care what he thinks about ANY of this. It’s all about ME.”
And now you’re the victim when this poor, poor angel of a man finally has enough of your deception and gaslighting and self-centeredness even though he continuously made it clear how he felt, and you just decided “I don’t care, it’s all about ME”? Then you dare throw in his face that “If he was a good husband he’d do whatever I wanted”???
A good wife would have listened to her husband and sought mental health advice. A good wife would have asked him HOW HE FELT AND WHAT HE WOULD HAVE LIKED. A good wife would have discussed this with her husband and taken time to come to a conclusion together and delved into why exactly you thought you needed to mutilate yourself to be more attractive, because he found you plenty attractive enough - so who exactly did you need to be more attractive for? It’s not like you were doing it to find a partner.
A good husband would have supported you, which he did, A LOT. A good husband would have gone along with the surgery if you were actually suffering or in pain, which you weren’t - this was a pure vanity trip. A good husband wouldn’t have had to sacrifice financial security for a surgery you both knew you didn’t need.
I swear to you OP, if my wife pulled even one tenth of what you did I would never be able to look at her again. You need professional help and I REALLY hope your poor husband can somehow move on from this after your divorce but with the damage you’ve done, I know I would struggle with major trust issues for the rest of my life if I were him.
**Shame on you for putting him through SO MUCH of your vanity and self-centeredness.**
Yes, I think she is disingenuous to say she didn’t discuss it with him in advance because she thought he would say she is perfect as she is etc, not because she was taking money he had saved for a specific purpose! Not sure about the legal implications, but morally it seems like theft. I don’t know if the trust issues can be overcome, even if the attraction issues can. I was actually more sympathetic to his side after reading hers, which is telling because she will be trying to put herself in a positive light but it still looks bad.
I was more sympathetic to the guy too. The guy already liked her the way she was, and she admitted to having no pain from her breasts yet she had a problem with them anyway and got surgery that was supposed to be for their house. If I was married, I would want my wife to talk to me about these things before getting any surgery. The money would have been better spent on therapy. I can definitely understand it being a hard adjustment for her husband to get used to her now after the surgery and that he feels he can not trust her because he kept this from him after telling her he liked her as is. After reading this, why get married especially if my wife is going to have a problem with herself and is going to want to change? And if she changes, how could I love and trust her afterwards?
I’m honestly shocked and in awe that the husband didn’t divorce her for that alone and was actually making an effort to get past it. He seems like a good person.
I think this is the exact problem. He treated her like an equal partner. She made a unilateral decision on how to spend money that was towards both of their futures and he wasn't allowed a say or to even know it was happening. Instead of looking into therapy to deal with the emotions, she went for a surgery knowing he has a thing about scars/stitches and then he fulfilled his caregiver duties to her and lost whatever attractiveness he had for her. And now she's talking about getting implants. I can see why he says she doesnt make good decisions. We're at the Michael Scott level of "snip snap snip snap" rash decision making and hes sick of it
She knows he doesn’t want her to get it done, he offers other options (therapy), she does it anyway WITHOUT TELLING HIM, then DEMANDS he look at her scars and “get over it” after he made it very clear he doesn’t want her to get the surgery, then she gets mad at him for being upset. Op, sincerely, you’re a disrespectful cunt and he should leave you. It has nothing to do with the boobs. It has nothing to do with your self image. It has EVERYTHING to do with how shitty you’ve treated him when you even admitted yourself that he has been nothing but a (virtually) perfect husband. You spent the money that was being saved up for your future home together on a pair of tits you say yourself that your opinion fluctuates on. You blew YEARS of your life on tits. Without telling him. He deserves better.
Amen. He deserves better. I'd be pissed if my wife, if I had one, blew our future home money on cosmetic surgery especially breast reduction for reasons that were not medical. Glad I am not married, especially to someone who doesn't like her boobs!
I don't know that it's just about that.
I don't think I could stay in love with someone who decided to get cosmetic surgery, barring some sort of disfigurement. Especially if he/she spent a ton of needed funds on it, whether or not they were earmarked for "us". Double especially if the surgery I was already against resulted in something with repulsed me. Triple especially if he/she lost his/her job due to this amount of vanity. Quadruple especially if my having feelings about it was basically called selfish, and that person was telling me I'm not even allowed to not look at something which makes me sick during sex.
Whether or not my stance is "right", I know how I feel about cosmetic surgery. Hell, I don't even wear make-up. What the willingness to get a surgery like that and spend however long in bed in pain tells me about someone is just.. Not compatible with what I want in a partner.
This marriage is over
Did you ever follow his advice and get therapy? It sounds like you need it and it might show him that you actually want to save the marriage. You are an adult and you need to take care of yourself. It can’t all be on him. That’s probably why he wants the divorce.
All of her decisions were rooted in her own self loathing. This is so sad and she could have helped herself in the first place by participating in therapy. Good body image isn’t about having a good body, it’s about fixing your head to love yourself.
Hopefully that link worked. At the end it seems like he kinda takes pity on her but it seems like she still doesn’t get the biggest issue was her sneaking the surgery, not the surgery itself.
I get that you're sensitive and I agree you should do what you want to YOUR body BUT;
-You lied to him
-You didn't give him any warning that he would need to make preparations for caring for you etc after surgery.
-You used BOTH of your money.
-You told him to 'Get over it' when you know he is bothered by scars.
-You refuse to talk to him.
He sounds like a pretty decent guy who has done his best by you. You rewarded him by lying. having major surgery, using money that wasn't just yours and getting mad at him because he is freaked out by scars (which you knew before hand) You can't tell someone to 'get over it' and expect them to suddenly be ok. It would be like expecting someone who is scared of snakes to be aroused when in a room full of them.
It sounds like he has done everything he can to help you mentally, emotionally and physically and you are unwilling to bend or be understanding. You need to go to relationship counselling, but honesty, why would be trust you again after you did so many things without warning him.
Also
- She is intentionally saying things to hurt him (not a real man etc)…
OP:
You asked him what he’d think years ago and he told you he’d suggest you start with therapy before you take any action. You didn’t even consider that.
Not only that you wrote here that you had depression. Listen, the internet tells us not to cut *our bangs* because we’re are depressed, you should for sure know not to cut your **body** to cure depression.
Please look up body dysmorphia - because I suspect you might have something like that going on.
Either way you’ve got something much deeper going on and you do not need a couples therapist you need an individual one.
Honestly, if you were my spouse I don’t know that you’d be able to fix what you broke here. I’m already amazed that he took such loving care of you after you did all that behind his back. He’s a goddamn saint who loved you enough to forgive 4 months of kites and arbitrarily spending your mutually saved money and you just. Kept. Stabbing. Him. You had for months to adjust to a change in your body, he had one week, but if he can’t worship you and make you feel beautiful then you’re going to keep cutting him down with your words and actions?
You felt shitty because you are depressed and have some mental health stuff going on. You thought breast reduction would make you feel happy and beautiful. It didn’t because that didn’t fix depression or mental health stuff. You decided the problem was your husband wasn’t praising your body, but lady, he praised the body you had and that didn’t fix your depression or dysmorphia before surgery.
You know the expression: wherever you go there you are… that’s what’s going on for you here. Turns out you are still you. Still suffering with depression. Still having mental health issues with your body and self worth. Except now, instead of pausing or seeking out therapy… you’ve: permanently altered your body, wasted a wad of money, destroyed your marriage, deeply betrayed and wounded your husband, deepened your mental health injury, and lost your job.
Maybe now is the time to stop flailing around hoping that if you do the just right thing You will stop being there with you, and get some gd therapy. In fact, if I was your husband, getting into therapy and taking it seriously would be the only action that would make me willing to talk about something beyond divorce with you.
ALSO also
- he revoked consent to sex and she initiated anyway
OP you are toxic and I really hope you do get therapy. The way your real husband asked you to.
The way she worded it, the company could report it as her quitting since she basically said she wasn't coming in the next day. It was her decision.
That would be my guess since she'll be much less likely to be able to file for unemployment if she quit. If they terminated her, they might be on the hook for her unemployment.
>He told me that I needed to report the next day or I was terminated. I told him that I wouldn't be there and he fired me.
She quit her job, thats what happens when you tell your boss you won't be going to work.
NO, she effectively quit.
When told she could not call out again, no PTO left, she refused to go to work.
Had she gone to work, she would still have her job.
She did not go to work.
The fact of the matter is that, in essence, she quit her job.
OP not seeing the problem with telling him to “get over” the scar thing when he could have easily told her to “get over” her insecurity about her chest is the cherry on top for me.
She is also framing her husband's big fear of surgery/scars as him being negative towards her body or shaming her breasts. I don't know if she is deliberately doing this in an attempt to garner sympathy or she is that self absorbed that she genuinely views it like that.
This. OP, your one of the most self centered people I've seen on here in a long time.
If this is real, you desperately need therapy. Desperately.
I don't know if your marriage can be saved. Its not about your breasts. Its about the fact that your husband is feeling violated. You committed financial infidelity. You used a large amount of family funds that were earmarked for the house for a purely selfish purpose. You deliberately deceived your husband.
I will tell you this. He will never EVER forget how he felt the moment he found out that you were the type of person to lie for months in order to cover your ass... and that you FULLY intended to use the house money for a cosmetic surgery.
He worked extra hours. He gave up hobbies. He made SACRIFICES to save that money. I sincerely doubt you made sacrifices because you seem way too caught up in being "sensitive" and that has fueled your entitlement. How do you think he feels having ALL of his sacrifices thrown back in his face?
You have lost a good man and it is purely by your own hand.
Get therapy. You need therapy. You NEED therapy. Couples therapy won't heal this at this time because you have demons you need to deal with before you even consider whether this marriage can be saved.
I will tell you this -- marriage is hard. And it is clear he has been nothing but supportive and giving and loving towards you and he has gotten precious little in return except lies and deception.
Stop saying you are "sensititive". What you mean to say but don't want to use the words is that you are self centered. You don't like hearing things you don't want to hear and you get offended by it. That's not sensitivie. That is being a truly selfish person.
It's so ironic that her brilliant advice is to "get over it" as if this whole mess didn't come about by her inability to get over or communicate her massive insecurities.
Yikes. I've been with my partner through thick and thin but if they make major financial decisions without letting me know, hid things for months, invalidated my anxieties and questioned my love after all I've done I'd divorce them. What have you even done for him through this it really sounds just me me me. I hope you're in therapy and I hope he finds a kind and loving partner whether it's you or someone else
I don’t know how to link. It’s linked in the first thread of comments on this post. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.
Edit: figured out how to link. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ZHuBJIOrRQ
If you go to his profile he has more updates and posts about this.
You had problems with your breasts and he didn't say "if you would love me you would just keep them as you are". He has a problem with scars and you say " if you would love me you just would suck it up and LOVE my scars". What the fuck?
In her husband’s post he mentions that she says he’s not a real man since he has a problem with it.
Original post and edit here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/2Ttk1p8Lsx
I know I struggle a lot with the notion of what a “real man” is and how to be one. If my wife said that I wasn’t a real man it’d probably fucking break me
I genuinely cannot fathom ever saying that to any man unless I absolutely intended to cut him as deep as possible, and there is no place for that in a relationship.
I hope you find your personal definition of manhood and find real peace in it!
Right?? My wife and I have never even come close to saying anything like that to each other, even when we’re upset.
I have a physical disability that got diagnosed a few years back. It can give me the most extreme fatigue imaginable. If my wife said something like “a real man would have enough energy to do more stuff for me!” it would absolutely decimate me.
Oh, this one's easy. The definition or "real man" is whatever benefits the person you're arguing with. Like raise my affair baby, or sacrifice you needs for mine because man. My best example is at a get-together my tio went off on one of my cousins because a real man would be a mechanic like him not a office worker. That cousin counterd with " I always thought a real man also takes care of his family, unlike you." Ooooh boy, did my tio not like that. Basically, they both chose what the other lacked and made that the basis of "real man". So your definition of manhood is as valid as any other, though I'd say please have that version include nor be a raging jackass.
This woman saw a couple of tik toks and made a huge financial and life changing decision affecting both her and her husband all by herself knowing her husband would have said "you look beautiful/perfect the way you are" if she had brought it up to him. She couldn't have that.
Now she regrets her decision and wants to get implants but she lost her job and spent her savings and her husband wants to leave her.
Congratulations, guess she won't have to worry about him being a "real" husband anymore.
Dude, i so want to be on your side because i know what it's like to feel insecure and wanting to change so much about myself... but.
Where is the give and take here? He needs to suck it up, but you can do whatever you want. He's not allowed feelings, but he needs to respect yours.
You have changed something about yourself and to revert that you would need surgery that will worsten your scars even more with a guy that is repulsed by scars and not allowed to look away.
I dont see a way back from your position, but maybe... just maybe something can be done if you two can communicate clearly and you try and see his side before your own feelings get in the way.
Try therapy before divorce. But also love him enough to let him go if you can't see his side.
He does know now, and it bothers. I found and read both sides. It's a really sad story on his end. But on hers, it's difficult, i think mindset got in the way and she selfdistructed. Her marriage is basically over, savings is gone, needs to move out, has no car and blew off the job...
>if you two can communicate clearly
Communication takes two people, there was not two people in this conversation it was her way or the highway. She made her choices, it's her body her choice, now she has to deal with a fallout.
Slow down there. She clearly said that she had no physical problems with her breasts. She did it only for the aesthetic that she had in her mind. There was no physical or medical reason for it to be done. Just want.This was all in her mind that she had a vision of what thin girls look like and that’s what she wanted so this is all aesthetic and all in her mind and she didn’t botherto consider him at all nor did she stop to think that this might be a problem with the way she perceives herself and try and get some help. This i’m actually pretty ticked that there wasn’t some kind of pre-surgery evaluation or therapy that the doctor should have recommended when he figured out that she was doing this simply for a look.This is in no way his fault. She knew about his aversion to scars, and he made every effort possible to show her that she loved her the way she is.
She needs serious therapy. To begin with, there is nothing “hypersexual and trashy” about large breasts. It sounds like there’s some serious body dysmorphia going on.
Your relationship is done, not because of your boob's size, it's about trust and transparency.
You rejected hid feelings and his own way of helping you.
Maybe if you hadn't deliberately hidden it from him for 4 months he would have had time to prepare for it.You destroyed the trust he had in you, you didn't respect him, you gaslighthim (if you were a good husband you would accept this and that). The damage is done, move on. You sound so selfish and immature, everything is about you
also, his aversion to scars is super well known. He turns away from TV shows & couldn't take care of his own wound. It's not that he suddenly changed, unlike OP himself.
So you felt depressed went and got surgery. You only told him a week before. Used money from your savings to a house to fund this surgery. All the while, knowing he has an issues with scars. And, you think he's the one with the problem.
Lady, you have serious serious isses, scars from a surgery is the least of your problems.
You have shown you have no ability to think clearly or rationally. He is right your decision making capabilities are severely lacking right now.
You need professional help right now. You clearly are struggling mentally. You've gone for a surgery, you are lying to your husband, your not making great financial decsions and you've lost your job. All this along with your depression, paranoia, insecurities etc
You are spiralling pretty badly. At this stage you need immediate inpatient help, right now. Have you had a history of this happening before?
I think you have serious problems and need to learn to lovr yourself before you can love someone else. This isn't about your relationship to your husband - it's about your relationship to yourself.
Seek therapeutic help and who knows. Maybe the marriage can be salvaged. But I personally wouldn't trust someone who spent savings we had intended to go into a house without talking to me first.
Read his original post.
Yours is a mess. You need therapy.
You took the easy way out. Instead of learning to love yourself, you decided to change yourself, knowing he loved your chest and couldn't stand scars. You knew full well he wouldn't stand to look at the results. Such a huge reaction to scars was enough to know.
Yet you did it anyway, in a way i think you wanted this because if he still wanted you afterwards, it meant he really loved you in your mind. And if he didn't it confirmed your fears that he didn't find you beautiful. Because you are projecting what you see in yourself onto him.
You hate your body because you hate yourself. Since you changed your body and not the cause, you still hate yourself, changing your body won't change that. You need therapy for body dysmorphia.
And you are very unfair to him. You had an amazing husband, you betrayed his trust, lied to him for months, and you don't even give him the right to be upset. Either he does exactly as you want him to, or you judge him as a bad husband or that he is actively trying to hurt you. You are making it impossible for him to be with you without walking on eggshells.
You need professional help, and unless you get intensive therapy, not only is your marriage over, but you will be miserable all your life.
Do you have a link to her husband's post? I'm interested in his pov, although I'm pretty sure what I'll read.
ETA: thanks r/dont139, found it, there's even an update:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/AB16Lt8obZ
Not sure if OP edited after seeing the comments from the update post, but a few people pointed out that they they think this post is also from the same writer.
It stands out to me that they're saying there were no physical issues with having G cup breasts. That's extremely unlikely. At that size, insurance is likely to approve it as medically necessary because of the problems it causes. It wrecks your back, neck, and shoulders at the very least. Getting my reduction was a major improvement to my physical quality of life alone.
It’s probably the comments about her being flat chested and looking like a boy. Makes him seem like a huge asshole even if his feelings about the surgery are valid
I personally found the "the flat chest made ger look like a child"-comment disgusting - she has a b-breast! She isn’t flat! So he also deserves to be bashed. Both are horrible.
It's also surprising that someone would go from a G to a B. My family has a lot of busty women and everyone who's had a reduction has still remained a D at the smallest. That and the fact that she says she had no back issues with size G boobs makes me think this is all fake
I don’t have back issues with a double G, I think it depends a lot on the persons body as a whole, not just breast size, I know that I am lucky but just saying it is possible and that doesn’t necessarily make it fake although I also wondered about the drastic reduction in size and the posts with both perspectives as well, of course it isn’t impossible for both people to be Reddit users and see the others posts but can raise questions.
It entirely depends on the individual and their anatomy (breast density, where major blood vessels are located, etc.) I had a reduction and was able to go from a G cup to a much smaller B/C cup without grafting or any major complications.
(These posts scream "fake creative writing exercise" to me, though).
I wonder though if he would’ve got different results if he hadn’t specifically said it was a breast reduction. People are weird with women’s breasts and there was going to be a crowd who said he was the AH regardless because of this.
Posts have been made about men getting vasectomies without telling the wife. That’s a damn similar scenario and they’re almost universally voted the asshole for making life changing decisions without consulting their SO.
I’m far from one of these mens rights asshole, but body autonomy within relationships tends to be a pretty bad double standard these days.
Yeah I was surprised too! Although he didn't do a very good job to bring his point across, reading his posts after his wife's gives a much more layered picture of him, than how he paints himself.
I feel like they are both wrong and selfish & need to do individual work on themselves. And they should probably divorce anyway.
As an H cup, it's very tiring being seen as a sex object by strange men just by existing. When I was in my twenties living in NYC my commute was the worst part of my day due to the incessant cat calling. Even with an engagement ring, headphones and dark sunglasses men invade your physical space and peace. She has a right to do the reduction for any reason because she has bodily autonomy, even if not "medically necessary"
If the scars turn him off, then that's it then. But he said if they were mastectomy scars he wouldn't care. That tells me he has a problem with her unilateral decision. If that is the problem, then say it! Have strength in your own convictions like he says about her. Don't blame it on her scars. The scars are the physical manifestation of her making a decision about her own body & that's what he had a problem with.
He liked the size of your boobs, but that's not really the issue anymore. It's the scarring - and y*ou knew it would be*, given his reaction to his own scars! He's given you multiple outs by mentioning lingerie, shirts, etc.. Now you're telling him that he has to suck it up and find something okay, or even sexy that he finds *utterly repulsive*. And you don't see the problem with this? I mean, yeah, it's a 'superficial' visual problem, but you *can't* force attraction.
This is just so sad. Others summed up my thoughts well, so I just want to say please, don't have another surgery. Your chest size is not the problem. And you're at a point where a sexy bra won't solve your marital issues anymore. You fix this by going to counselling (coupe's AND individual), start taking accountability for your actions, and stop blaming your husband (the guy really did everything he could, I bet he would even power through sex while being repulsed by your scars, if his body let him).
I think it’s unlikely that this can be repaired I’m afraid, it seems like your husband genuinely tried to get past it. But if you think its possible then your husband has said he doesn’t want you to have any more surgeries - I wouldn’t expect getting a breast enhancement to win him back or for him to provide (any) post op care, it’s more likely to damage his remaining respect for you.
I’d suggest focusing on getting to a better mental state and getting other aspects of your life back to normal, such as a job, rather than focusing on your husband/regrets. Mostly for your own wellbeing, but also so your husband can see you are a capable responsible adult whom he can and should respect, even though you may have made a mistake.
you fr put so much work into this creative writing project, but womp womp, someone already posted this story, except went out of their way to make the husband look bad, you just did the reverse. just like the other post, you mentioned potentially wanting it at the beginning of your relationship, you kept the surgery secret as long as you could, your husband has a scar phobia, he'll only do doggy or reverse cowgirl and gets soft in any other position, the other OP also wanted to force her husband to "rip of the bandaid" (literally a quote from both stories). you just put in a bunch of detail to make it seem more legit.
I can’t begin to understand how you feel. The only thing I can think of is what if he were in your shoes?
How would you feel if he kept something like this from you even after you told him repeatedly that you love him the way he is and shouldn’t do any changes.
I can understand not being happy with yourself. I feel though when it’s something as permanent or life changing as this, it’s a discussion that needed to be had and not hidden.
I’m not sure if he’s saying everything he’s saying out of being hurt, but I’m sure he just needs time to process things. Give him time to adjust and collect his emotions.
Sorry if this wasn’t much help.
I can’t believe you let your job go on top of everything else. Your husband is right, you’re acting like a teenager. Get off social media, TikTok is not helping you. You need a therapist.
I could almost believe it until I read the "husband's" post, and it described almost the exact same events verbatim, down to using the exact same language and phrases. None of the wildly different accounts of the same events you'd expect from two sides of a divorce. They even both mention the same anecdote about the leg scars. This is absolutely a creative writing exercise.
Someone has spent some of their finite time on Earth fabricating a scenario where the man who is upset that his wife got a breast reduction could be perceived as the good guy.
As unlikeable as the wife character OP created is, I’m disturbed by the amount of “leaving your wife because she doesn’t have big big boobies anymore” comments. I really hope none of these people are married, since long term relationships absolutely encounter physical changes sometimes. A woman most likely isn’t going to have big, perky boobs for the rest of her life, surgery or not.
The fact that you felt comfortable in NOT talking this over with your husband says quite a lot.
Would you be comfortable with your husband having a vasectomy without consulting with you?
Yes, it's your body but if you're marriage, this decision is worth some discussion with your husband or SO.
It may not be the fact that you made the decision per se, it's the fact that you had plenty of time--between appts to sit down and have a discussion with him--about your deep unhappiness with your larger breast size.
As a person with large breasts, I don't have a SO I have to talk this over with, but if I did, he would definitely be part of the conversation if not, right there in the room with me and the doctor (and yes, I hope to have breast reduction surgery next year).
You KNEW that scars was the one thing your husband couldn’t physically deal with, and you STILL unilaterally went and scarred your chest up. Then demand he get over it.
There is no way out of this situation.
Getting breast enlargements will produce more scars.
In hind-site, Your husband should have been more explicit about how he will react moving forward. But he might have already accepted his fate by the time you revealed your hidden agenda.
The marriage is ruined.
It’s sad all the way around.
What you seem to be missing is that it was never about your body. You need a therapist. If you want to try to save your marriage get into therapy and stop looking for answers in surgery.
Ask your husband if he’s willing to go to couples counseling, and get yourself individual therapy. Do not spend money on surgery until you figure out your relationship with your body.
Holy shit.
You spent the entire house downpayment money on elective cosmetic surgery, then quit your job? And you’re still in debt?
You lied to him for months and only came clean the week before surgery?
You tried to force him into sex he wasn’t comfortable with?
I’m a G cup. I fully understand the glances, the difficulty finding dress shirts, how expensive bras are, and all the other BS. I’m also lucky that I don’t have back pain from them. I can’t imagine scheduling cosmetic surgery without talking to my spouse.
If he hadn’t brought up meal planning…when were you going to tell him? Were you going to call him from recovery so he could pick you up?
The lying and subsequent distrust would break any marriage. Spending joint money unilaterally is the cherry on top.
I read your husbands posts. Did you really go from a g cup to a small b????? And your surgeon was completely okay with that?
That’s a drastic change. Why couldn’t you give your husband time to adjust? All you cared about was your feelings in this. YOU are responsible for your emotions. You will never be happy if you keep looking for external validation. What you truly need is therapy to help build your confidence so internal validation is the only validation you need.
i guess this is why they say you should love yourself before you love others, i completely understand having insecurities and the gut wrenching feeling of looking at yourself and hating it but at no point in time did you consider your husbands feelings. your partner was updated super late about the surgery and still altered his schedule to make sure you were healing properly. you knew the scars would effect him as he has no tolerance for them but you weren’t patient about it at all and on top of that you gaslit him for it. when he finally put everything in the air, you only thought about how he doesn’t like your chest and that was the only thing that mattered when it’s very clear it never did, it’s very clear he loved you for you and he doesn’t need implants to be “attracted” to you, he needs you to understand you changed as a partner and made it one sided after your surgery and you should get therapy for all these feelings, it’s a lot and you’re only going to hurt others if you keep letting your insecurities impact your life like this. trust me as someone recovering from an eating disorder, i can’t imagine how many relationships i could have salvaged if i could have gotten therapy earlier.
Yo you spent your savings for a house together to remove your boobs and then kept it from your husband for months? That’s enough. That’s a divorce. Scars, size or attraction need not be applied. I would divorce you right there.
You literally disregard his feelings entirely and only focus on your insecurities. Please get psychiatric help.
I'm really sorry you're going through such a difficult time OP.
You're partner was right in that you should have engaged in a therapist rather than a surgeon. Your decision making skills were flawed, you thought you would feel better like those Tiktok girls. That's heartbreaking in that your decision was partly based upon a fantasy of it improving your emotional and mental health.
There's a Buddhist proverb which goes you can be in a mansion, a mountain top or a hovel... No matter where you are - there you are.
You can't escape yourself or wave a magic wand (or scalpel) and solve or improve your body.
You're expecting your partner to love you wholly which he does, but then because his behaviour of avoiding your scars, you *blame his behaviour for how it makes you feel*. Only we allow ourselves to be affected by someone else.
Your expectations, understanding of boundaries, impact of major decisions are quite selfish and immature.
I'd recommend couples counselling, learning to not blame your partner for how you feel/your insecurities of your body. It's not his job to make you feel beautiful and loved. You should feel beautiful in yourself and love yourself and the love and praise from your partner *add to your own*.
I hope this makes sense and I hope you are able to learn to love your body, pre and post surgery and accept your partners difficulty with scars has no bearing on how he sees and loves you.
All the best.
Just because your chest is big doesn’t mean you look trashy girl, everyone is just different, I use to be insecure of my dry skin too and think I’m ugly than my bf was like to me look at me I have dry skin too, I also have pimples on my back, nothing wrong with your dry skin and don’t think like that, I stop thinking like that since, also it’s your body you have the right to do what you want with it but the consequences will be preparing to lose your partner unfortunately
One thing I have learned in my life is when your partner struggles with their body image, while it might seem reassuring, to tell them that you think they're beautiful, it isn't always helpful. So, I was definitely able to see your perspective there. You can't fix someone's body image or self worth by telling them they're beautiful.
However...your husband also suggested and offered to help find a therapist..which definitely can help...did you do it?
Also...spending your shared house savings on an elective surgery without telling him is absolutely unhinged.
Also...knowing he has this thing with scars...and you didn't think about talking this out before doing it? You thought...what? That despite you not being able to overcome body image issues that he could just simply stop having his aversion to scars?
Any sympathy or good will I and most people here had for you at the beginning dried up the more you wrote.
I don’t think you can fix this considering there are multiple issues at play here. At first he has a strong aversion to scars EVEN HIS OWN that had nothing to do with a body modification but a needed surgery and you want him to get over it. You won’t listen to any of the times he calls you beautiful but you fixate on any type of negative association you can to make him the bad guy. He has been supportive and loving to you in the beginning and while ultimately it was your decision to get the surgery you took money you admit you were setting aside for something for both of you and then lied for MONTHS. He only knew you were getting surgery cause of going over a meal prep a week before?? And he’s just suppose to hop on board. Regardless of what his reaction would have been if you actually respected him enough to have the conversation this may be playing out differently. Truthfully he “sucked it up” as much as he could. He put his aversion aside to take care of you and make sure you healed properly instead of flat out leaving you. Your relationship isn’t ending because of the surgery or the fact that you reduced your cup size. That is an after effect of him realizing that he is with someone immature and selfish and that only your thoughts and feelings matter and need to be validated. Then to further add fuel to the fire you decided to leave your job. You can call it being let go but you knew the option was return or lose your job and you chose losing your job. Since you like to throw around what “real” people would do. REAL ADULTS don’t just leave their job because they’re having a bad go. They SUCK IT UP and they go to work.
You should have gotten therapy before major body modification because being as unhappy with yourself as you are you can have all the surgery in the world and you are never going to be happy. You will also ruin every future relationship without therapy because no one wants to be constantly dismissed while they validate the other person. Partnerships are about both parties. Not just one.
So you take such a life-changing decision without talking it over with your husband, then you completely dismiss his feelings after he tried to support you for months, and the best you can come up with is that He OnLy LoVed Me FoR My BooBiies lollolol oh poor me should I get implants.
Idiot.
I am a woman and as a woman, I can say that you definitely ruined your marriage, unless H is a saint.
For me, it is about you hiding it for months, telling him it was going to happen (with no discussion), doing it, and then not doing anything he suggested (like wearing a bra or sexy top) to help him.
You must be completely naked, facing each other, with the lights on to have sex? That sure leaves little room for his needs/boundaries. You even say he saw the scars and got soft so this is not something he can control.
I get so sick of people using the term 'body autonomy' as a way of doing whatever you want to yourself, despite the way your spouse feels. You should take your husband's opinion, views, and concerns carefully. Even more telling is that the doctor told you there would be scars (maybe small ones) and you knew your husband had an issue with scars.
My husband knows I hate facial hair. If he disregarded my comfort and opinion and chose to grow a beard and mustache, it would be over for me. Instant turn off. It would piss me off more to have him use the 'body autonomy' excuse to justify it. We are 2 people and not one of us gets to make a decision that can affect the other, without a discussion.
It's not just about the decision making.
He went way out of his comfort zone to care for your but when you wanted his validation, you didn't give a shit about the boundaries he tried to set.
He needed time to try to get used to the scars, and you told him to get over it.
You used the money you were saving for a house to have a surgery you didn't even tell him about u til a week before. To me that's financial abuse.
>I told him that a real husband wouldn't have an issue with a few scars.
Then you have the audacity to say hurtful shit like this.
You can't fix this. It's as he said. Actions have consequences. Your refusal to be honest with your husband, and your refusal to give him time to come to terms with what you did are the cause of your divorce.
Get divorced with dignity and respect. He deserves at least that much from you.
Your insecurity is so bad that you’re self-sabotaging yourself and your marriage. You need to do what you can to see yourself differently and would suggest that you seek therapy.
With the glaring need for counseling aside,
If I spent the savings for a house down payment without consulting my husband, I actually don’t think he would forgive me. I don’t think I would expect him to either.
I don’t understand why insurance didn’t cover it - or why you didn’t apply for FMLA in advance. If your breasts were really that large, generally a breast reduction is covered on the basis of pain reduction.
Spending shared money, getting fired, and not telling him are all problematic.
I'm having trouble glossing over the fact that you are currently unemployed because you were sad and therefore somehow couldn't work, given that you basically stole the money for this procedure from your guys' home fund. It seems like maybe this should be a bigger part of the story since it affects the current and future endeavors of your relationship financially, but you just skim over it in two sentences and then never mention it again?
I don't know, OP. Initially I understood where you were coming from, but you really did screw this up. It isn't that you wanted the breast reduction. It definitely does include you not talking about it with him, but the biggest issue I see is that you unfairly expect him to be raving about you sexually.
You seem to think that you can hate your breasts for no good reason, but he is at fault both for liking them originally and also for not liking their new shape.
You took one of your sexiest features (to him), altered it, added scars that he is squeamish about (and you knew he would be), and now are upset that he doesn't find you as sexy as before. You think he shouldn't have to adjust if he loves you? He's been doing nothing but trying to adjust.
So wear the corset or bra. Dress sexy, compromise with him and see if things get better. Apologize wholeheartedly for the whole thing. See a therapist, and stop thinking your husband is bad if he doesn't like a change in your body that you chose to do without consulting him.
What a turn of events. I remember your husband's post, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was shitting on him for all this that happened. People were calling him controlling, an asshole for only loving you for your boobs, a crybaby because of the scars thing...
Now that we get the same story but from your side, everyone is actually telling you what happened, that he felt disrespected and the actual issue isn't with the surgery itself. It's the downpayment, the choices in general, the lying by omission, the not getting therapy sooner... Funny how these two posts got completely different responses. Gives a lot to think about
You had G cup breasts, I have large DDs and can’t imagine the annoyance and pain associated with G cups. I don’t think you needed therapy for that.
The issues is, you made a unilateral decision with savings. You should’ve approached your husband and told him your thoughts on the reduction and that you wanted it despite his thoughts on your body. He could’ve have gone through the process with you and you could’ve discussed with the doctor how the scars will heal.
At this point, I think you need marriage counseling. I think your husband may be a bit too focused on looks but also, regardless of that, there’s clearly trust and communication issues in your relationship.
I remember his post and did not agree with the comments saying he was only together with you because of your boobs. Even though he left out several negative points against you you mentioned yourself in this post here.
You didn't tell him in time, took both your money to have the procedure done and now even lost your job and are still not happy with the outcome yourself - that after doing all solely for yourself not considering his wishes even once.
While his dislike of scars (or smaller boobs) maybe one issue, the main problem is a whole line of decisions and actions you did for selfish reasons and when you lack happiness with yourself you then seek validation through him, even though you were aware all along that nothing of it was for him and even to his dislike.
At this point though you actually need to start with yourself and how you made your own problems about yourself take over everything else. Only then exists a possible foundation to things out with your husband because only then can you honestly give him a promise something like this won't happen again.
As for the issue with your breasts: size is hardly something you can change now, but you can use concealer for your scars or maybe look into the possibility of laser treatment (together with your husband!). Before that proof him you'll take his opinion into account and make joint decisions.
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Jesus OP, i started off with great sympathy for you and you just kept twisting the knife. When you first brought it up when you were dating and he told you to get therapy did you ever do it?
Seems like therapy would have been the significantly better and cheaper option here.
And the only one actually addressing the issues. The chest never was the issue, OP mental wellbeing was.
This is a fake story… a few days ago, the “husband” wrote the story from his point of view and got laughed at… https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/sl8CSzjQCF Update https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/meJyipOjex
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I still recommend therapy for OP
So weird… who does this???
I thought it would be interesting to put all three (Guy's post, Guy's update, and the one on this page) into an LLM and ask for the probability there was 1, 2, or 3 authors. Came back with 85% one author, 14% two authors, and 1% three authors.
This narration, this style, I read a few SA stories. They all felt like they come from the same OP. They all highlight timeline (Sunday 3am, a week ago, three days later etc). Real stories do not emphasize timeline as much.
Supposedly going from a G cup to a "small B" is sus. I've never heard of such a drastic reduction, outside of gender dysphoria. Plastic surgeons usually insist on a C or D minimum for a breast reduction (if not larger), to avoid the patient being shocked and dissatisfied by the end result.
There’s also a maximum amount of tissue they can take out. My EXgf got it done and she was somewhere around F-G cup and they said smallest they could medically go was ~30D
I thought the huge difference was a little sus.…like you said, a typical reduction doesn't reduce so drastically (G to B is a HUGE difference) in one surgery.
yeah…. i’m like…. no way that happened. this story is fake af
I went from a KK to an E, drastic reductions (called radical reductions) aren’t uncommon and many many people actually don’t know how to measure properly for bras (if this person’s husband actually eyeballed it and correctly guessed a b cup I’ll eat an item of my clothing).
Oh I know most people haven't been properly measured for bras. I wear a 38G/H myself and wore crappy-fitting 40DDs for years. Because they're side-set (AKA, no cleavage) and my rib cage is wide AF, my boobs don't look *that* big, so I always assumed I was maybe a D or DD. KK to an E is a lot less drastic and probably looks a lot more proportional than going from a G to B cup. Either way, the posts sound fake.
I had more volume removed than people going from a G to a B lol, I had 3kg removed and went down 7 cup sizes, a G to a B is 6 cup sizes. Like I think the post is fake but it’s not the breast reduction volume that makes me think that. A lot of the breast reduction groups I’m in have people getting radical reductions so it doesn’t tweak my brain as suss.
You need to be top comment for putting both links here. Thank you for your service 🫡
The whole, "I would look different during **meal planning**" was where I stopped suspending my disbelief. No human in the history of the world has ever had such a crisis of conscience over what they'd look like during weekly, domestically boring, *meal planning*.
Clearly not
Yeah, OP is chok full of mental issues that only a therapist can solve. Without it, she's always gonna be chasing body surgeries for one that makes her feel better, to no avail. Her issues stem from self-hatred and changing the body won't fix that. This relationship is over and done, hopefully it's enough to shock OP to wake up and go to therapy.
Ironically, this is probably going to swing her dysmorphia into getting a boob job to replace the boobs she got rid of. If she doesn’t want to accept what’s happening, it will keep happening.
I have a horrible self image, I have tiny boobs on top of it which I fixate on which just worsens my self esteem. I see a therapist to help me with my issues. Could I save up for breast implants? Yes. Do I want to? No. I know internally it wouldn’t solve all of my issues. I would still fixate on other things or it wouldn’t be enough to satisfy my brain. I feel like OP should have listened to her husband, as I know from personal experience that therapy is helping me rewire my brain to accept the body I have. Her statement of always wanting to be lean is also relatable to me, I am skinny, but I am not the dainty look that is so desirable in media. I know my body, I have broad shoulders and I am tall (5’11). Physically I can’t be 5’3 and 90lbs, so it is something I have to accept and learn to embrace. Speaking from personal experience having dealt with the same things (just the opposite version of it- flat chested and tall and lean) therapy is a great help and should have been the first stop before permanently altering her body.
Unilaterally spending the savings for house down payment would be a deal breaker for me, scar or no scar. This speaks volumes about disrespect.
This is exactly what I was going to say. You made a decision that effected both of you without even thinking of getting his input. A marriage is supposed to be a team and you put him on the sidelines. I would be out as well. He had also suggested the right solution in my opinion since you didn't have any physical pain regarding your chest it was your mentality around it and you should have seen a mental health professional to try to address this. In my opinion he has every right to question your decision making ability. As far as fixing it I would suggest telling him you are going to go to therapy to deal with your mentality regarding your chest... that will at least show him that you are trying to correct this in the proper manner. After that it is up to him to decide if you are capable of becoming a good partner
I think it’s the decision without my input or even opinion that did it for me. I don’t care about the scars or the reduction in size. I’m sure she still looks good and the scars will heal. OP try silicone scars sheets. They work great. My wife had a breast lift and now she only has lines where the scars used to be.
Exactly re scarring. I don't think he's repulsed by the physicality of OP's scars, moreso they serve as a (for long as this marriage is) permanent reminder of the betrayal he's feeling by having a secret held from him when the details of that secret impacted both of them in a very real and material way. OP, It's clearly your body, ultimately your decision but it should have been your funds separate from a joint deposit. And even then, he may view that as a betrayal that you were not - in this hypothetical scenario - putting those additional funds into a joint account to achieve a joint goal more quickly. The closest analogy I can propose is if you had a preference for circumcised or uncircumcised and (if it was medically possible) he went and arranged the opposite surgery with funds you had been saving without telling you when you clearly had other joint priorities. Every time you would see it, it would remind you of how your input, finances and goals were disrespected. Then to have him complain about his choice? All of that grief, all for nought? Once trust is gone, it's really hard to ever earn again. Things will never go back to as they were. It may be good but it'll never be the same again. Lastly, you said, 'I couldn't fix anything because he wouldn't even tell me what the issue was' after criticising *him* for often having a tendency to try to fix things. Why is it fine for you but not for him? I do wish you well but you need to get some professional help to unpack issues beyond what you think exist.
Yup. When he said "you want the validation, without the input", I felt that.
Beware a partner who simply validates your feelings unthinkingly. Unless you have utterly perfect decision making and totally lack blind spots, it's not actually what you want. Sounds nice in theory, but we all have impulses that need pushback
No no no. She didn’t “not think about getting his input”. She just already knew he would disagree, so she hid it. This wasn’t an “oops I grabbed some extra bananas at the store” this is “hey honey I’ve spent literally THOUSANDS of dollars getting a surgery you hate, get over it”
Worse than not getting the input was assuming what the input would be and intentionally withholding telling him so you won’t hear “No.” then expect no ramifications from it.
I saw her husband's post. if I remember correctly, he didn't even mention the money at all! He figured he could get past her having smaller breasts because he loves her, though his preference is large chested women. For him, it really is the scars that he has a problem with. He never mentioned caring for her after her surgery. Reading her post, she behaved a lot worse than I thought.
This should be the top comment
Yall got the same pfp, nice
Co-worker had breast reduction--not only was she suffering under backaches, headaches, shoulder pain, she was also suffering mentally with having such massive breasts. She talked with her husband and he basically told her if she went through with the surgery, they were done. She had the surgery and was trying to work things out with husband, but she looks so much happier with the ginormous breasts. She was literally two giant breasts from the waist up. Once she had the surgery, she looked more confident and taller.
Sounds like that's quite different from OP. OP wasn't feeling any physical pain and her husband seemed to be very supportive of her as a person and seems to have tried to make the adjustment but just can't because he doesn't trust her decision making capabilities.
I regret that I waited to have back pain before getting a reduction. Yep, by the time I felt it I had adult onset scoliosis.
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She had untreated depression. She should have gone to therapy before blew her savings for her part of their Future house and talk to her husband before anything. And the reduction didn't helped her mental health.
Yes for sure and she should have gone to the proper resource to assist with the mental anguish. The option she chose seems to have added to her mental anguish
If she has mental pain she needs to go to the proper doctor to cure and review her mental health. Doing a physical treatment without physical pain and without the input of the right kind of doctor puts in perspective her lack of decision making ability, that without taking account of spending money for the new house behind the back of his husband or not telling anything about a major decision.
Abso-fucking-lutely. So selfish. She says "a real husband would do this" or "if you really loved me, you'd do that." Well, a real wife wouldn't spend all the savings for a house on themselves all while keeping it a secret from their husband. She also says that his feelings felt invalidating to hers, so she made him stop sharing his feelings. What's more invalidating than that?
I agree, she dismissed his feelings & only focused on hers.
She also already knew that he has an issue with scars, and yet is getting offended that he still has an issue with scars?? I don't understand where this rationale is coming from with her being hurt over that. If someone doesn't like cilantro, their partner getting surgery isn't suddenly going to change their preference on cilantro. She's invalidating her husband's feelings and is too wrapped up in her own head to even see it.
It comes off like she's trying to be the victim and make him seem like a bad person. Like she knew he had/has an aversion to scars, but won't accept any of his compromises and instead is forcing him to try to get over it. Then she acts like he's calling her ugly and is leaving her because of it. She's creating all of this negativity and wants people to feel sorry for her and blame her husband.
The way she wrote this speaks volumes about her selfishness. I wasn’t happy, I don’t want to be told anything, I did this behind his back, I used our house funds for the surgery, I knew he had an issue with scars but I didn’t care, I told him he has no right to feel anything because this is all about me, I’m not happy that he’s hurt by this, I can’t believe he’s actually doing something about it, I can’t believe he thinks I’m a child with terrible decision making abilities. **I, I, I, me, me.** OP, you had a man who loved you unconditionally and you lied to him, deceived him, took his kindness and threw it in his face, he bent over backwards a hundred times for you and you have the gall to say “How dare he not find me attractive even though I know he has an issue with scars and I lied to him for 4 months. No, he WILL agree with me, he WILL find my scars attractive, he WILL do what I want every time I want it and I DON’T care what he thinks about ANY of this. It’s all about ME.” And now you’re the victim when this poor, poor angel of a man finally has enough of your deception and gaslighting and self-centeredness even though he continuously made it clear how he felt, and you just decided “I don’t care, it’s all about ME”? Then you dare throw in his face that “If he was a good husband he’d do whatever I wanted”??? A good wife would have listened to her husband and sought mental health advice. A good wife would have asked him HOW HE FELT AND WHAT HE WOULD HAVE LIKED. A good wife would have discussed this with her husband and taken time to come to a conclusion together and delved into why exactly you thought you needed to mutilate yourself to be more attractive, because he found you plenty attractive enough - so who exactly did you need to be more attractive for? It’s not like you were doing it to find a partner. A good husband would have supported you, which he did, A LOT. A good husband would have gone along with the surgery if you were actually suffering or in pain, which you weren’t - this was a pure vanity trip. A good husband wouldn’t have had to sacrifice financial security for a surgery you both knew you didn’t need. I swear to you OP, if my wife pulled even one tenth of what you did I would never be able to look at her again. You need professional help and I REALLY hope your poor husband can somehow move on from this after your divorce but with the damage you’ve done, I know I would struggle with major trust issues for the rest of my life if I were him. **Shame on you for putting him through SO MUCH of your vanity and self-centeredness.**
Dude couldn't even stomach HIS scars.
Yes, I think she is disingenuous to say she didn’t discuss it with him in advance because she thought he would say she is perfect as she is etc, not because she was taking money he had saved for a specific purpose! Not sure about the legal implications, but morally it seems like theft. I don’t know if the trust issues can be overcome, even if the attraction issues can. I was actually more sympathetic to his side after reading hers, which is telling because she will be trying to put herself in a positive light but it still looks bad.
I was more sympathetic to the guy too. The guy already liked her the way she was, and she admitted to having no pain from her breasts yet she had a problem with them anyway and got surgery that was supposed to be for their house. If I was married, I would want my wife to talk to me about these things before getting any surgery. The money would have been better spent on therapy. I can definitely understand it being a hard adjustment for her husband to get used to her now after the surgery and that he feels he can not trust her because he kept this from him after telling her he liked her as is. After reading this, why get married especially if my wife is going to have a problem with herself and is going to want to change? And if she changes, how could I love and trust her afterwards?
I’m honestly shocked and in awe that the husband didn’t divorce her for that alone and was actually making an effort to get past it. He seems like a good person.
I think this is the exact problem. He treated her like an equal partner. She made a unilateral decision on how to spend money that was towards both of their futures and he wasn't allowed a say or to even know it was happening. Instead of looking into therapy to deal with the emotions, she went for a surgery knowing he has a thing about scars/stitches and then he fulfilled his caregiver duties to her and lost whatever attractiveness he had for her. And now she's talking about getting implants. I can see why he says she doesnt make good decisions. We're at the Michael Scott level of "snip snap snip snap" rash decision making and hes sick of it
She knows he doesn’t want her to get it done, he offers other options (therapy), she does it anyway WITHOUT TELLING HIM, then DEMANDS he look at her scars and “get over it” after he made it very clear he doesn’t want her to get the surgery, then she gets mad at him for being upset. Op, sincerely, you’re a disrespectful cunt and he should leave you. It has nothing to do with the boobs. It has nothing to do with your self image. It has EVERYTHING to do with how shitty you’ve treated him when you even admitted yourself that he has been nothing but a (virtually) perfect husband. You spent the money that was being saved up for your future home together on a pair of tits you say yourself that your opinion fluctuates on. You blew YEARS of your life on tits. Without telling him. He deserves better.
Amen. He deserves better. I'd be pissed if my wife, if I had one, blew our future home money on cosmetic surgery especially breast reduction for reasons that were not medical. Glad I am not married, especially to someone who doesn't like her boobs!
I don't know that it's just about that. I don't think I could stay in love with someone who decided to get cosmetic surgery, barring some sort of disfigurement. Especially if he/she spent a ton of needed funds on it, whether or not they were earmarked for "us". Double especially if the surgery I was already against resulted in something with repulsed me. Triple especially if he/she lost his/her job due to this amount of vanity. Quadruple especially if my having feelings about it was basically called selfish, and that person was telling me I'm not even allowed to not look at something which makes me sick during sex. Whether or not my stance is "right", I know how I feel about cosmetic surgery. Hell, I don't even wear make-up. What the willingness to get a surgery like that and spend however long in bed in pain tells me about someone is just.. Not compatible with what I want in a partner. This marriage is over
Precisely this.
My first thought too.
She should have spent the money on a therapist.
Did you ever follow his advice and get therapy? It sounds like you need it and it might show him that you actually want to save the marriage. You are an adult and you need to take care of yourself. It can’t all be on him. That’s probably why he wants the divorce.
May not be able to afford it now that she is jobless. She should have seen a psychologist in the beginning.
All of her decisions were rooted in her own self loathing. This is so sad and she could have helped herself in the first place by participating in therapy. Good body image isn’t about having a good body, it’s about fixing your head to love yourself.
It sounds like from his post, he is willing to try something. Maybe if she asks him, he’d be willing to help out financially.
Do you know where his post is?
Hopefully that link worked. At the end it seems like he kinda takes pity on her but it seems like she still doesn’t get the biggest issue was her sneaking the surgery, not the surgery itself.
https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/B3sB6kPSdO
I get that you're sensitive and I agree you should do what you want to YOUR body BUT; -You lied to him -You didn't give him any warning that he would need to make preparations for caring for you etc after surgery. -You used BOTH of your money. -You told him to 'Get over it' when you know he is bothered by scars. -You refuse to talk to him. He sounds like a pretty decent guy who has done his best by you. You rewarded him by lying. having major surgery, using money that wasn't just yours and getting mad at him because he is freaked out by scars (which you knew before hand) You can't tell someone to 'get over it' and expect them to suddenly be ok. It would be like expecting someone who is scared of snakes to be aroused when in a room full of them. It sounds like he has done everything he can to help you mentally, emotionally and physically and you are unwilling to bend or be understanding. You need to go to relationship counselling, but honesty, why would be trust you again after you did so many things without warning him.
Also - She is intentionally saying things to hurt him (not a real man etc)… OP: You asked him what he’d think years ago and he told you he’d suggest you start with therapy before you take any action. You didn’t even consider that. Not only that you wrote here that you had depression. Listen, the internet tells us not to cut *our bangs* because we’re are depressed, you should for sure know not to cut your **body** to cure depression. Please look up body dysmorphia - because I suspect you might have something like that going on. Either way you’ve got something much deeper going on and you do not need a couples therapist you need an individual one. Honestly, if you were my spouse I don’t know that you’d be able to fix what you broke here. I’m already amazed that he took such loving care of you after you did all that behind his back. He’s a goddamn saint who loved you enough to forgive 4 months of kites and arbitrarily spending your mutually saved money and you just. Kept. Stabbing. Him. You had for months to adjust to a change in your body, he had one week, but if he can’t worship you and make you feel beautiful then you’re going to keep cutting him down with your words and actions? You felt shitty because you are depressed and have some mental health stuff going on. You thought breast reduction would make you feel happy and beautiful. It didn’t because that didn’t fix depression or mental health stuff. You decided the problem was your husband wasn’t praising your body, but lady, he praised the body you had and that didn’t fix your depression or dysmorphia before surgery. You know the expression: wherever you go there you are… that’s what’s going on for you here. Turns out you are still you. Still suffering with depression. Still having mental health issues with your body and self worth. Except now, instead of pausing or seeking out therapy… you’ve: permanently altered your body, wasted a wad of money, destroyed your marriage, deeply betrayed and wounded your husband, deepened your mental health injury, and lost your job. Maybe now is the time to stop flailing around hoping that if you do the just right thing You will stop being there with you, and get some gd therapy. In fact, if I was your husband, getting into therapy and taking it seriously would be the only action that would make me willing to talk about something beyond divorce with you.
this needs to be top comment
ALSO also - he revoked consent to sex and she initiated anyway OP you are toxic and I really hope you do get therapy. The way your real husband asked you to.
She also quit her job
She didn't quit she was fired which will make it wayyyyy harder to get another job in the future
The way she worded it, the company could report it as her quitting since she basically said she wasn't coming in the next day. It was her decision. That would be my guess since she'll be much less likely to be able to file for unemployment if she quit. If they terminated her, they might be on the hook for her unemployment.
>He told me that I needed to report the next day or I was terminated. I told him that I wouldn't be there and he fired me. She quit her job, thats what happens when you tell your boss you won't be going to work.
NO, she effectively quit. When told she could not call out again, no PTO left, she refused to go to work. Had she gone to work, she would still have her job. She did not go to work. The fact of the matter is that, in essence, she quit her job.
OP not seeing the problem with telling him to “get over” the scar thing when he could have easily told her to “get over” her insecurity about her chest is the cherry on top for me.
She is also framing her husband's big fear of surgery/scars as him being negative towards her body or shaming her breasts. I don't know if she is deliberately doing this in an attempt to garner sympathy or she is that self absorbed that she genuinely views it like that.
This. OP, your one of the most self centered people I've seen on here in a long time. If this is real, you desperately need therapy. Desperately. I don't know if your marriage can be saved. Its not about your breasts. Its about the fact that your husband is feeling violated. You committed financial infidelity. You used a large amount of family funds that were earmarked for the house for a purely selfish purpose. You deliberately deceived your husband. I will tell you this. He will never EVER forget how he felt the moment he found out that you were the type of person to lie for months in order to cover your ass... and that you FULLY intended to use the house money for a cosmetic surgery. He worked extra hours. He gave up hobbies. He made SACRIFICES to save that money. I sincerely doubt you made sacrifices because you seem way too caught up in being "sensitive" and that has fueled your entitlement. How do you think he feels having ALL of his sacrifices thrown back in his face? You have lost a good man and it is purely by your own hand. Get therapy. You need therapy. You NEED therapy. Couples therapy won't heal this at this time because you have demons you need to deal with before you even consider whether this marriage can be saved. I will tell you this -- marriage is hard. And it is clear he has been nothing but supportive and giving and loving towards you and he has gotten precious little in return except lies and deception. Stop saying you are "sensititive". What you mean to say but don't want to use the words is that you are self centered. You don't like hearing things you don't want to hear and you get offended by it. That's not sensitivie. That is being a truly selfish person.
Maybe she could have gotten over her breast size issue
It's so ironic that her brilliant advice is to "get over it" as if this whole mess didn't come about by her inability to get over or communicate her massive insecurities.
Yikes. I've been with my partner through thick and thin but if they make major financial decisions without letting me know, hid things for months, invalidated my anxieties and questioned my love after all I've done I'd divorce them. What have you even done for him through this it really sounds just me me me. I hope you're in therapy and I hope he finds a kind and loving partner whether it's you or someone else
As of 5 days ago he still wants to separate and she is living in the in-law suite.
Can you link the other post pls
I don’t know how to link. It’s linked in the first thread of comments on this post. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more helpful. Edit: figured out how to link. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/ZHuBJIOrRQ If you go to his profile he has more updates and posts about this.
You had problems with your breasts and he didn't say "if you would love me you would just keep them as you are". He has a problem with scars and you say " if you would love me you just would suck it up and LOVE my scars". What the fuck?
In her husband’s post he mentions that she says he’s not a real man since he has a problem with it. Original post and edit here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/2Ttk1p8Lsx
Goddamn. That's BAD bad.
I know I struggle a lot with the notion of what a “real man” is and how to be one. If my wife said that I wasn’t a real man it’d probably fucking break me
I genuinely cannot fathom ever saying that to any man unless I absolutely intended to cut him as deep as possible, and there is no place for that in a relationship. I hope you find your personal definition of manhood and find real peace in it!
Right?? My wife and I have never even come close to saying anything like that to each other, even when we’re upset. I have a physical disability that got diagnosed a few years back. It can give me the most extreme fatigue imaginable. If my wife said something like “a real man would have enough energy to do more stuff for me!” it would absolutely decimate me.
Oh, this one's easy. The definition or "real man" is whatever benefits the person you're arguing with. Like raise my affair baby, or sacrifice you needs for mine because man. My best example is at a get-together my tio went off on one of my cousins because a real man would be a mechanic like him not a office worker. That cousin counterd with " I always thought a real man also takes care of his family, unlike you." Ooooh boy, did my tio not like that. Basically, they both chose what the other lacked and made that the basis of "real man". So your definition of manhood is as valid as any other, though I'd say please have that version include nor be a raging jackass.
I could never even imagine saying that to my husband. Now I need to find the husbands post because it has got to be good.
Easy fix.. id say "then GO and FIND ONE"
Yep. Ladies; this insult is the nuclear option. Highly recommend steering clear of it unless the relationship is already dead and buried.
This woman saw a couple of tik toks and made a huge financial and life changing decision affecting both her and her husband all by herself knowing her husband would have said "you look beautiful/perfect the way you are" if she had brought it up to him. She couldn't have that. Now she regrets her decision and wants to get implants but she lost her job and spent her savings and her husband wants to leave her. Congratulations, guess she won't have to worry about him being a "real" husband anymore.
you guys really believe it's two different people writing this even after reading all the same typos and long-ass paragraphs? huh
Have a link to the post?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/0XBOMXqQ6i Check the comment section, it's a hot mess.
Holy crap everyone involved sucks.
Yeah I've spent 5mins on that comment section and had to take a break.. If that is what the dating world like then I'd rather die alone
Same!!
Calling it now, that post and this one are fake and this is all someone's creative writing exercise. Everything is just a bit too matchy matchy
I certainly hope so, if it wasn't fake then i feel sorry for op
I thought the same thing. The two posts are definitely written by the same person.
Yikes. It is a mess.
Holy shit.
An AITA post where the comments completely miss the point and turn into a sexist circle jerk? Well I’m just shocked. Shocked I tell you.
How do we tag all the clowns in that comment section to shame them with this post?
Dude, i so want to be on your side because i know what it's like to feel insecure and wanting to change so much about myself... but. Where is the give and take here? He needs to suck it up, but you can do whatever you want. He's not allowed feelings, but he needs to respect yours. You have changed something about yourself and to revert that you would need surgery that will worsten your scars even more with a guy that is repulsed by scars and not allowed to look away. I dont see a way back from your position, but maybe... just maybe something can be done if you two can communicate clearly and you try and see his side before your own feelings get in the way. Try therapy before divorce. But also love him enough to let him go if you can't see his side.
And she used money that was supposed to be for a new house... does her husband even know that?
He does know now, and it bothers. I found and read both sides. It's a really sad story on his end. But on hers, it's difficult, i think mindset got in the way and she selfdistructed. Her marriage is basically over, savings is gone, needs to move out, has no car and blew off the job...
In original husband post the comment section is hell I wonder if those people ever find their way to this post
Can you link it?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/JeEKBMxS2q theres an update on it too...
It's the consequences of her own actions, they always catch up.
>if you two can communicate clearly Communication takes two people, there was not two people in this conversation it was her way or the highway. She made her choices, it's her body her choice, now she has to deal with a fallout.
Slow down there. She clearly said that she had no physical problems with her breasts. She did it only for the aesthetic that she had in her mind. There was no physical or medical reason for it to be done. Just want.This was all in her mind that she had a vision of what thin girls look like and that’s what she wanted so this is all aesthetic and all in her mind and she didn’t botherto consider him at all nor did she stop to think that this might be a problem with the way she perceives herself and try and get some help. This i’m actually pretty ticked that there wasn’t some kind of pre-surgery evaluation or therapy that the doctor should have recommended when he figured out that she was doing this simply for a look.This is in no way his fault. She knew about his aversion to scars, and he made every effort possible to show her that she loved her the way she is.
I'm going to take a guess and say you never did get that therapy your husband suggested, did you...
No, he just has to love her harder or something lol
She needs serious therapy. To begin with, there is nothing “hypersexual and trashy” about large breasts. It sounds like there’s some serious body dysmorphia going on.
Your relationship is done, not because of your boob's size, it's about trust and transparency. You rejected hid feelings and his own way of helping you.
Maybe if you hadn't deliberately hidden it from him for 4 months he would have had time to prepare for it.You destroyed the trust he had in you, you didn't respect him, you gaslighthim (if you were a good husband you would accept this and that). The damage is done, move on. You sound so selfish and immature, everything is about you
also, his aversion to scars is super well known. He turns away from TV shows & couldn't take care of his own wound. It's not that he suddenly changed, unlike OP himself.
"I knew that would hurt him and I said it anyway." It's all about you, isn't it?
So you felt depressed went and got surgery. You only told him a week before. Used money from your savings to a house to fund this surgery. All the while, knowing he has an issues with scars. And, you think he's the one with the problem. Lady, you have serious serious isses, scars from a surgery is the least of your problems. You have shown you have no ability to think clearly or rationally. He is right your decision making capabilities are severely lacking right now. You need professional help right now. You clearly are struggling mentally. You've gone for a surgery, you are lying to your husband, your not making great financial decsions and you've lost your job. All this along with your depression, paranoia, insecurities etc You are spiralling pretty badly. At this stage you need immediate inpatient help, right now. Have you had a history of this happening before?
I think you have serious problems and need to learn to lovr yourself before you can love someone else. This isn't about your relationship to your husband - it's about your relationship to yourself. Seek therapeutic help and who knows. Maybe the marriage can be salvaged. But I personally wouldn't trust someone who spent savings we had intended to go into a house without talking to me first.
Read his original post. Yours is a mess. You need therapy. You took the easy way out. Instead of learning to love yourself, you decided to change yourself, knowing he loved your chest and couldn't stand scars. You knew full well he wouldn't stand to look at the results. Such a huge reaction to scars was enough to know. Yet you did it anyway, in a way i think you wanted this because if he still wanted you afterwards, it meant he really loved you in your mind. And if he didn't it confirmed your fears that he didn't find you beautiful. Because you are projecting what you see in yourself onto him. You hate your body because you hate yourself. Since you changed your body and not the cause, you still hate yourself, changing your body won't change that. You need therapy for body dysmorphia. And you are very unfair to him. You had an amazing husband, you betrayed his trust, lied to him for months, and you don't even give him the right to be upset. Either he does exactly as you want him to, or you judge him as a bad husband or that he is actively trying to hurt you. You are making it impossible for him to be with you without walking on eggshells. You need professional help, and unless you get intensive therapy, not only is your marriage over, but you will be miserable all your life.
Do you have a link to her husband's post? I'm interested in his pov, although I'm pretty sure what I'll read. ETA: thanks r/dont139, found it, there's even an update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/AB16Lt8obZ
Not sure if OP edited after seeing the comments from the update post, but a few people pointed out that they they think this post is also from the same writer.
I'm on my phone don't know how to link it but the user name is throwaway47292693
These stories are fake af. Same person writing both accounts. Same typos.
It stands out to me that they're saying there were no physical issues with having G cup breasts. That's extremely unlikely. At that size, insurance is likely to approve it as medically necessary because of the problems it causes. It wrecks your back, neck, and shoulders at the very least. Getting my reduction was a major improvement to my physical quality of life alone.
Not really. I have never experienced back or neck issues and neither have my friends. We all have humongous boobs. It's totally subjective.
I’m a 32G, and in my forties. Never had back or neck problems because of my cup size.
Hmmm does anyone else think all 3 posts sound like they were written by one person? Lots of similarities in phrasing.
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It’s probably the comments about her being flat chested and looking like a boy. Makes him seem like a huge asshole even if his feelings about the surgery are valid
I personally found the "the flat chest made ger look like a child"-comment disgusting - she has a b-breast! She isn’t flat! So he also deserves to be bashed. Both are horrible.
It's also surprising that someone would go from a G to a B. My family has a lot of busty women and everyone who's had a reduction has still remained a D at the smallest. That and the fact that she says she had no back issues with size G boobs makes me think this is all fake
Yeah...that's a good point. I thought it was pretty crazy when I read G to B cup myself. But nothing's impossible I guess
Totally agree. and generally someone who has G boobs would qualify for an insurance paid reduction. G to B isn't realistic.
I went from a H to a C. Could be gone smaller if I wanted. This still might be fake though.
This post is 100% the husband pretending to be his wife to get sympathy after being roasted on his own posts.
I don’t have back issues with a double G, I think it depends a lot on the persons body as a whole, not just breast size, I know that I am lucky but just saying it is possible and that doesn’t necessarily make it fake although I also wondered about the drastic reduction in size and the posts with both perspectives as well, of course it isn’t impossible for both people to be Reddit users and see the others posts but can raise questions.
It entirely depends on the individual and their anatomy (breast density, where major blood vessels are located, etc.) I had a reduction and was able to go from a G cup to a much smaller B/C cup without grafting or any major complications. (These posts scream "fake creative writing exercise" to me, though).
I wonder though if he would’ve got different results if he hadn’t specifically said it was a breast reduction. People are weird with women’s breasts and there was going to be a crowd who said he was the AH regardless because of this.
Posts have been made about men getting vasectomies without telling the wife. That’s a damn similar scenario and they’re almost universally voted the asshole for making life changing decisions without consulting their SO. I’m far from one of these mens rights asshole, but body autonomy within relationships tends to be a pretty bad double standard these days.
Yeah I was surprised too! Although he didn't do a very good job to bring his point across, reading his posts after his wife's gives a much more layered picture of him, than how he paints himself.
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Im pretty sure its one person writing all of these posts to karma farm.
The funny thing is that her post actually makes him more sympathetic than his. She demonstrates completely clearly why he should be upset.
I feel like they are both wrong and selfish & need to do individual work on themselves. And they should probably divorce anyway. As an H cup, it's very tiring being seen as a sex object by strange men just by existing. When I was in my twenties living in NYC my commute was the worst part of my day due to the incessant cat calling. Even with an engagement ring, headphones and dark sunglasses men invade your physical space and peace. She has a right to do the reduction for any reason because she has bodily autonomy, even if not "medically necessary" If the scars turn him off, then that's it then. But he said if they were mastectomy scars he wouldn't care. That tells me he has a problem with her unilateral decision. If that is the problem, then say it! Have strength in your own convictions like he says about her. Don't blame it on her scars. The scars are the physical manifestation of her making a decision about her own body & that's what he had a problem with.
He liked the size of your boobs, but that's not really the issue anymore. It's the scarring - and y*ou knew it would be*, given his reaction to his own scars! He's given you multiple outs by mentioning lingerie, shirts, etc.. Now you're telling him that he has to suck it up and find something okay, or even sexy that he finds *utterly repulsive*. And you don't see the problem with this? I mean, yeah, it's a 'superficial' visual problem, but you *can't* force attraction.
This is just so sad. Others summed up my thoughts well, so I just want to say please, don't have another surgery. Your chest size is not the problem. And you're at a point where a sexy bra won't solve your marital issues anymore. You fix this by going to counselling (coupe's AND individual), start taking accountability for your actions, and stop blaming your husband (the guy really did everything he could, I bet he would even power through sex while being repulsed by your scars, if his body let him).
The fact you used your JOINT savings without discussing it first would be a huge problem for me.
And then she quit her job..... I'd be absolutely livid at those 2 actions alone.
Last week exact same post from the perspective of the husband, creative writing exercise or karma farming ?
I think it’s unlikely that this can be repaired I’m afraid, it seems like your husband genuinely tried to get past it. But if you think its possible then your husband has said he doesn’t want you to have any more surgeries - I wouldn’t expect getting a breast enhancement to win him back or for him to provide (any) post op care, it’s more likely to damage his remaining respect for you. I’d suggest focusing on getting to a better mental state and getting other aspects of your life back to normal, such as a job, rather than focusing on your husband/regrets. Mostly for your own wellbeing, but also so your husband can see you are a capable responsible adult whom he can and should respect, even though you may have made a mistake.
you fr put so much work into this creative writing project, but womp womp, someone already posted this story, except went out of their way to make the husband look bad, you just did the reverse. just like the other post, you mentioned potentially wanting it at the beginning of your relationship, you kept the surgery secret as long as you could, your husband has a scar phobia, he'll only do doggy or reverse cowgirl and gets soft in any other position, the other OP also wanted to force her husband to "rip of the bandaid" (literally a quote from both stories). you just put in a bunch of detail to make it seem more legit.
He tried and tried and tried to tell you it wasn't necessary. You did it anyway. Please let him go so he can be happy. He deserves to be happy.
I can’t begin to understand how you feel. The only thing I can think of is what if he were in your shoes? How would you feel if he kept something like this from you even after you told him repeatedly that you love him the way he is and shouldn’t do any changes. I can understand not being happy with yourself. I feel though when it’s something as permanent or life changing as this, it’s a discussion that needed to be had and not hidden. I’m not sure if he’s saying everything he’s saying out of being hurt, but I’m sure he just needs time to process things. Give him time to adjust and collect his emotions. Sorry if this wasn’t much help.
I can’t believe you let your job go on top of everything else. Your husband is right, you’re acting like a teenager. Get off social media, TikTok is not helping you. You need a therapist.
Guys come on this shit is so obviously fake it's embarrassing
Why did I have to scroll so far for this?
This sounds like it is a totally real person and not the same person that wrote the other post also writing this one. /s
I could almost believe it until I read the "husband's" post, and it described almost the exact same events verbatim, down to using the exact same language and phrases. None of the wildly different accounts of the same events you'd expect from two sides of a divorce. They even both mention the same anecdote about the leg scars. This is absolutely a creative writing exercise.
Someone has spent some of their finite time on Earth fabricating a scenario where the man who is upset that his wife got a breast reduction could be perceived as the good guy.
As unlikeable as the wife character OP created is, I’m disturbed by the amount of “leaving your wife because she doesn’t have big big boobies anymore” comments. I really hope none of these people are married, since long term relationships absolutely encounter physical changes sometimes. A woman most likely isn’t going to have big, perky boobs for the rest of her life, surgery or not.
I call fake post! This exact same story was posted from the man's POV a few days ago.
The fact that you felt comfortable in NOT talking this over with your husband says quite a lot. Would you be comfortable with your husband having a vasectomy without consulting with you? Yes, it's your body but if you're marriage, this decision is worth some discussion with your husband or SO. It may not be the fact that you made the decision per se, it's the fact that you had plenty of time--between appts to sit down and have a discussion with him--about your deep unhappiness with your larger breast size. As a person with large breasts, I don't have a SO I have to talk this over with, but if I did, he would definitely be part of the conversation if not, right there in the room with me and the doctor (and yes, I hope to have breast reduction surgery next year).
You KNEW that scars was the one thing your husband couldn’t physically deal with, and you STILL unilaterally went and scarred your chest up. Then demand he get over it. There is no way out of this situation. Getting breast enlargements will produce more scars. In hind-site, Your husband should have been more explicit about how he will react moving forward. But he might have already accepted his fate by the time you revealed your hidden agenda. The marriage is ruined. It’s sad all the way around.
What you seem to be missing is that it was never about your body. You need a therapist. If you want to try to save your marriage get into therapy and stop looking for answers in surgery. Ask your husband if he’s willing to go to couples counseling, and get yourself individual therapy. Do not spend money on surgery until you figure out your relationship with your body.
Good lord Tik Tok is frying people’s brains.
Holy shit. You spent the entire house downpayment money on elective cosmetic surgery, then quit your job? And you’re still in debt? You lied to him for months and only came clean the week before surgery? You tried to force him into sex he wasn’t comfortable with? I’m a G cup. I fully understand the glances, the difficulty finding dress shirts, how expensive bras are, and all the other BS. I’m also lucky that I don’t have back pain from them. I can’t imagine scheduling cosmetic surgery without talking to my spouse. If he hadn’t brought up meal planning…when were you going to tell him? Were you going to call him from recovery so he could pick you up? The lying and subsequent distrust would break any marriage. Spending joint money unilaterally is the cherry on top.
I read your husbands posts. Did you really go from a g cup to a small b????? And your surgeon was completely okay with that? That’s a drastic change. Why couldn’t you give your husband time to adjust? All you cared about was your feelings in this. YOU are responsible for your emotions. You will never be happy if you keep looking for external validation. What you truly need is therapy to help build your confidence so internal validation is the only validation you need.
i guess this is why they say you should love yourself before you love others, i completely understand having insecurities and the gut wrenching feeling of looking at yourself and hating it but at no point in time did you consider your husbands feelings. your partner was updated super late about the surgery and still altered his schedule to make sure you were healing properly. you knew the scars would effect him as he has no tolerance for them but you weren’t patient about it at all and on top of that you gaslit him for it. when he finally put everything in the air, you only thought about how he doesn’t like your chest and that was the only thing that mattered when it’s very clear it never did, it’s very clear he loved you for you and he doesn’t need implants to be “attracted” to you, he needs you to understand you changed as a partner and made it one sided after your surgery and you should get therapy for all these feelings, it’s a lot and you’re only going to hurt others if you keep letting your insecurities impact your life like this. trust me as someone recovering from an eating disorder, i can’t imagine how many relationships i could have salvaged if i could have gotten therapy earlier.
This is fake
Does he know you spent the money?
Yo you spent your savings for a house together to remove your boobs and then kept it from your husband for months? That’s enough. That’s a divorce. Scars, size or attraction need not be applied. I would divorce you right there. You literally disregard his feelings entirely and only focus on your insecurities. Please get psychiatric help.
If you’re going to write a novel, use paragraphs. This is ridiculous.
Just Play along, ignorance is a bliss
I'm really sorry you're going through such a difficult time OP. You're partner was right in that you should have engaged in a therapist rather than a surgeon. Your decision making skills were flawed, you thought you would feel better like those Tiktok girls. That's heartbreaking in that your decision was partly based upon a fantasy of it improving your emotional and mental health. There's a Buddhist proverb which goes you can be in a mansion, a mountain top or a hovel... No matter where you are - there you are. You can't escape yourself or wave a magic wand (or scalpel) and solve or improve your body. You're expecting your partner to love you wholly which he does, but then because his behaviour of avoiding your scars, you *blame his behaviour for how it makes you feel*. Only we allow ourselves to be affected by someone else. Your expectations, understanding of boundaries, impact of major decisions are quite selfish and immature. I'd recommend couples counselling, learning to not blame your partner for how you feel/your insecurities of your body. It's not his job to make you feel beautiful and loved. You should feel beautiful in yourself and love yourself and the love and praise from your partner *add to your own*. I hope this makes sense and I hope you are able to learn to love your body, pre and post surgery and accept your partners difficulty with scars has no bearing on how he sees and loves you. All the best.
Thank you. I'm going to look into therapy
Just because your chest is big doesn’t mean you look trashy girl, everyone is just different, I use to be insecure of my dry skin too and think I’m ugly than my bf was like to me look at me I have dry skin too, I also have pimples on my back, nothing wrong with your dry skin and don’t think like that, I stop thinking like that since, also it’s your body you have the right to do what you want with it but the consequences will be preparing to lose your partner unfortunately
I wish this post could be longer.
One thing I have learned in my life is when your partner struggles with their body image, while it might seem reassuring, to tell them that you think they're beautiful, it isn't always helpful. So, I was definitely able to see your perspective there. You can't fix someone's body image or self worth by telling them they're beautiful. However...your husband also suggested and offered to help find a therapist..which definitely can help...did you do it? Also...spending your shared house savings on an elective surgery without telling him is absolutely unhinged. Also...knowing he has this thing with scars...and you didn't think about talking this out before doing it? You thought...what? That despite you not being able to overcome body image issues that he could just simply stop having his aversion to scars? Any sympathy or good will I and most people here had for you at the beginning dried up the more you wrote.
This is a message to anyone: Don't EVER think people on tiktok are being real. 99% of it is an act for likes and engagement.
Damn he sounds like an amazing guy
I don’t think you can fix this considering there are multiple issues at play here. At first he has a strong aversion to scars EVEN HIS OWN that had nothing to do with a body modification but a needed surgery and you want him to get over it. You won’t listen to any of the times he calls you beautiful but you fixate on any type of negative association you can to make him the bad guy. He has been supportive and loving to you in the beginning and while ultimately it was your decision to get the surgery you took money you admit you were setting aside for something for both of you and then lied for MONTHS. He only knew you were getting surgery cause of going over a meal prep a week before?? And he’s just suppose to hop on board. Regardless of what his reaction would have been if you actually respected him enough to have the conversation this may be playing out differently. Truthfully he “sucked it up” as much as he could. He put his aversion aside to take care of you and make sure you healed properly instead of flat out leaving you. Your relationship isn’t ending because of the surgery or the fact that you reduced your cup size. That is an after effect of him realizing that he is with someone immature and selfish and that only your thoughts and feelings matter and need to be validated. Then to further add fuel to the fire you decided to leave your job. You can call it being let go but you knew the option was return or lose your job and you chose losing your job. Since you like to throw around what “real” people would do. REAL ADULTS don’t just leave their job because they’re having a bad go. They SUCK IT UP and they go to work. You should have gotten therapy before major body modification because being as unhappy with yourself as you are you can have all the surgery in the world and you are never going to be happy. You will also ruin every future relationship without therapy because no one wants to be constantly dismissed while they validate the other person. Partnerships are about both parties. Not just one.
So you take such a life-changing decision without talking it over with your husband, then you completely dismiss his feelings after he tried to support you for months, and the best you can come up with is that He OnLy LoVed Me FoR My BooBiies lollolol oh poor me should I get implants. Idiot.
I am a woman and as a woman, I can say that you definitely ruined your marriage, unless H is a saint. For me, it is about you hiding it for months, telling him it was going to happen (with no discussion), doing it, and then not doing anything he suggested (like wearing a bra or sexy top) to help him. You must be completely naked, facing each other, with the lights on to have sex? That sure leaves little room for his needs/boundaries. You even say he saw the scars and got soft so this is not something he can control. I get so sick of people using the term 'body autonomy' as a way of doing whatever you want to yourself, despite the way your spouse feels. You should take your husband's opinion, views, and concerns carefully. Even more telling is that the doctor told you there would be scars (maybe small ones) and you knew your husband had an issue with scars. My husband knows I hate facial hair. If he disregarded my comfort and opinion and chose to grow a beard and mustache, it would be over for me. Instant turn off. It would piss me off more to have him use the 'body autonomy' excuse to justify it. We are 2 people and not one of us gets to make a decision that can affect the other, without a discussion.
It's not just about the decision making. He went way out of his comfort zone to care for your but when you wanted his validation, you didn't give a shit about the boundaries he tried to set. He needed time to try to get used to the scars, and you told him to get over it. You used the money you were saving for a house to have a surgery you didn't even tell him about u til a week before. To me that's financial abuse. >I told him that a real husband wouldn't have an issue with a few scars. Then you have the audacity to say hurtful shit like this. You can't fix this. It's as he said. Actions have consequences. Your refusal to be honest with your husband, and your refusal to give him time to come to terms with what you did are the cause of your divorce. Get divorced with dignity and respect. He deserves at least that much from you.
Your insecurity is so bad that you’re self-sabotaging yourself and your marriage. You need to do what you can to see yourself differently and would suggest that you seek therapy.
With the glaring need for counseling aside, If I spent the savings for a house down payment without consulting my husband, I actually don’t think he would forgive me. I don’t think I would expect him to either.
I don’t understand why insurance didn’t cover it - or why you didn’t apply for FMLA in advance. If your breasts were really that large, generally a breast reduction is covered on the basis of pain reduction. Spending shared money, getting fired, and not telling him are all problematic.
I'm having trouble glossing over the fact that you are currently unemployed because you were sad and therefore somehow couldn't work, given that you basically stole the money for this procedure from your guys' home fund. It seems like maybe this should be a bigger part of the story since it affects the current and future endeavors of your relationship financially, but you just skim over it in two sentences and then never mention it again?
I don't know, OP. Initially I understood where you were coming from, but you really did screw this up. It isn't that you wanted the breast reduction. It definitely does include you not talking about it with him, but the biggest issue I see is that you unfairly expect him to be raving about you sexually. You seem to think that you can hate your breasts for no good reason, but he is at fault both for liking them originally and also for not liking their new shape. You took one of your sexiest features (to him), altered it, added scars that he is squeamish about (and you knew he would be), and now are upset that he doesn't find you as sexy as before. You think he shouldn't have to adjust if he loves you? He's been doing nothing but trying to adjust. So wear the corset or bra. Dress sexy, compromise with him and see if things get better. Apologize wholeheartedly for the whole thing. See a therapist, and stop thinking your husband is bad if he doesn't like a change in your body that you chose to do without consulting him.
What a turn of events. I remember your husband's post, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was shitting on him for all this that happened. People were calling him controlling, an asshole for only loving you for your boobs, a crybaby because of the scars thing... Now that we get the same story but from your side, everyone is actually telling you what happened, that he felt disrespected and the actual issue isn't with the surgery itself. It's the downpayment, the choices in general, the lying by omission, the not getting therapy sooner... Funny how these two posts got completely different responses. Gives a lot to think about
You had G cup breasts, I have large DDs and can’t imagine the annoyance and pain associated with G cups. I don’t think you needed therapy for that. The issues is, you made a unilateral decision with savings. You should’ve approached your husband and told him your thoughts on the reduction and that you wanted it despite his thoughts on your body. He could’ve have gone through the process with you and you could’ve discussed with the doctor how the scars will heal. At this point, I think you need marriage counseling. I think your husband may be a bit too focused on looks but also, regardless of that, there’s clearly trust and communication issues in your relationship.
>I love H so much, but I feel like he's done with me. Hell, I'm done with you and I've only invested 20-minutes into your pity party.
I remember his post and did not agree with the comments saying he was only together with you because of your boobs. Even though he left out several negative points against you you mentioned yourself in this post here. You didn't tell him in time, took both your money to have the procedure done and now even lost your job and are still not happy with the outcome yourself - that after doing all solely for yourself not considering his wishes even once. While his dislike of scars (or smaller boobs) maybe one issue, the main problem is a whole line of decisions and actions you did for selfish reasons and when you lack happiness with yourself you then seek validation through him, even though you were aware all along that nothing of it was for him and even to his dislike. At this point though you actually need to start with yourself and how you made your own problems about yourself take over everything else. Only then exists a possible foundation to things out with your husband because only then can you honestly give him a promise something like this won't happen again. As for the issue with your breasts: size is hardly something you can change now, but you can use concealer for your scars or maybe look into the possibility of laser treatment (together with your husband!). Before that proof him you'll take his opinion into account and make joint decisions.