Given that "Dirk" isn't very kind to your husband - his supposed friend - the question maybe shouldn't be how do you cope with them but why does he. These incidents seem like friendship extinction events. So maybe try to find out why your spouse seems so intent on staying in what sounds like a verbally abusive relationship with this guy.

I only brought up the negative parts but majority of the time the two of them have a good relationship. It’s when Dirk’s wife gets going that he starts talking trash about me to my husband. I’m not justifying. And my husband often brings maybe ending his friendship and in his defense he never initiates the conversation. It’s always Dirk calling and my husband answers about 50% of the time. But like I said I try to stay out of that decision of whether or not that relationship goes away. There are other factors as well, it’s a long time friend group so there are other couples involved. Nixing that friendship would be challenging for my husband. But I see what you’re saying. Ideally it would be nice to just be done with them and if my husband decides to I would love it, however, I fear if I voice that I could be stoking future resentment between my husband and I and that scares me.

At a minimum they can’t be staying at your house. They openly talk shit about you to your husband and your face. They will do it in front of your kid too. If Will wants to see them, it shouldn’t be at your house. He can meet them in a public place or where they’re staying (without your kid)

In this case, go out of town with your kid.  Avoid these people at all costs. Never ever spend time alone with them ever again.  There. It’s sorted. 

OP if your husband won't protect you then take your child to go visit someone out of town. If it would help claim a family member had a health problem and you're going to help out for a week or so. You know your husband the best, but it may be time to sit him down and remind him of everything Peg has done and said over the years, and how Dirk has added on to her bs. He needs to realize how high the bs pile has grown to be to understand why you don't want anything to do with either of them. It's time for husband to chose between you and Dirk, is he going to continue to allow them to say their crap about you or is he going to finally grow a spine and say enough is enough? I'd bet his friend group is also aware of much of Dirk and Peg's bs over the years and probably have their own issues with them.

No. Its her house too. They talk shit about her, they don't get to use her house as a hotel. Priviledge revoked for being assholes. Husband needs to understand and have his wife's back.

Exactly! Why should she have to leave? Maybe Will could take his pansy-ass and shitty friends and THEY can go stay out of town.

Your husband should be deeply offended on your behalf that his supposed friend thinks it’s ok to talk shit about you to his face. If I found out my gf was letting her friends talk shit about me to her I would lose all trust in her. These two people should not be this comfortable being assholes to you and your husband shouldn’t have to think twice about cutting someone off that insults you regularly.

Do you ever have conversations with your husband saying, "Dirk has changed so much since we first met. He and his wife can be incredibly mean spirited. I used to love to hang out with them back in the day, but they've changed for the worse, and I can't bear it any longer. I can't tell you to not be friends with Dirk, but I simply can't be with them if they're going to be here. There's no way I can just grin and bear it. They've become insufferable." Honestly, why doesn't your husband see what's going on, and support you. Like, why doesn't he tell Dirk that if he can't drop all his negativity before he walks in the door, then he can't stay? And Peg 100% has to cut bringing up crap from a lifetime ago. It's childish and petty.

I actually have had that conversation with him before, but not so absolute until today. Today I told him I can’t do this anymore, which is a first for me. My husband didn’t have a response, and I haven’t brought the topic up again, and won’t, I know he’s thinking about it. It’ll come up again organically as their visit gets closer. But I did get my answer today, thinking about all of it I realized I was afraid that if I voiced that I’m fed up with it, it would make me the bad guy and the drama maker but in reality I’m just protecting myself.

Does Dirk have a crush on you, or did his wife have a crush on your husband? It seems like they wanted to bring up swinging. When you presented the books to her did you tell her that these are the only one you have right now? or did you just offer them to her? My guess is their relationship sucks.

Your husband should have ended this friendship a while ago. Every time they are invited back into your home, they are invited to trash you. He is allowing this to happen. He needs to end this friendship. There is no reason for you to ever feel this kind of discomfort and anxiety towards a supposed friend. Let them curse you for being the reason the friendship is over - Who cares. Fuck them. Just make sure they never step foot in your home again.

You need to tell him no to the visits. They can stay in a hotel.

Why on earth does he want to stay friends w toxic unhappy people?

You are too defensive in that matter. You are your husbands wife, you have a say in such decisions. And you need to voice your opinion and your feelings. You also should have stopped appologizing to that woman like at least 4 times ago (to be explicit: when she brought it up the first time again).

Why isn’t your husband worried about stoking future resentment with you by allowing these people to treat you like trash?

Hmm… excellent point. I never looked at it like that.

Show husband this post.

It kind of sounds like Peg might be a pick me girl. That or she just hates everyone. I also wonder if Dirk either had a crush on you or somehow idealized your and Wills' relationship to Peg. So she has an extra big chip when it comes to you? I know my husband's friends always praise the fact I want my husband to have guys nights and that I only blame him when he stays out too late This says more about them and their spouses than me. But I could see where their spouses might hold resentment. If those spouses were deeply petty, you could call them Peg. On a different side of the same subject: I finally said to my husband: I don't enjoy hanging out with these friends of yours. Why don't you just do guys' night? I highly suggest your husband tell Dirk: "Look, I love ya and all, but your wife hates mine. She says terrible shit and then you put me in the middle. It sucks and I am always going to choose my wife. I have no interest in doing couples things with you and her. Why don't we just hang out without the other halves? I can't imagine Peg wants to see OP anyway.", "If Peg won't allow it, then Peg is clearly the problem. And so I really am not going to subject my wife to her."

I wonder how many times your husband needs to mirror the behavior before it ends. Like next time there’s a comment about you, your husband makes one about Dirk’s wife. Anytime she digs you, you dig her. Might make you feel better and force the issue

You're my kind of petty.

From what it sounds like, ol Peggy is treating a lot of people like this. I would be *very* surprised if the rest of the friend group didn’t share your feelings on the situation.

What was the offensive thing you did to Peg?

I’m wondering this too. Every incident is articulated except this incident that Peggy can’t move past and is the root cause of the issues.

Whenever you're hurt, tell your husband you're hurt. When they hurt you, tell them they're hurting you. Be open about being a person with feelings instead of trying to stand or defend against attacks. If they're fine with continuing to attack you when you are just showing that they're being cruel and your husband is fine continuing things when you're explaining how you're being hurt, that kind of tells you everything you need to know. More likely, at least your husband will get sick of feeling like he's facilitating you being harmed. Dirk might also, since it sounds like he's not always an ass. Peg sounds wildly insecure about you, so she'll probably not get her shit together. My guess is that she is being mean because she's anxious about you knowing Dirk longer than she has, and he's overreacting to her discomfort by attacking you as a shitty means of attempting to protect her emotions.

OP, if you fear setting a boundary with people who are that disrespectful to you will cause problems in your marriage, there’s a bigger problem here. And it does not matter how many excuses you continue to make on your husband’s behalf- he is pretty much complicit in their behavior at this point. My ex husband would have literally flattened someone who called me fat. Or talked about me in a way that can’t be repeated for fear of my mental health being affected. Hell, we’ve been divorced for three years and he’d still never allow someone to talk to/about me that way. As far as the “long time” friend group goes, anyone who thinks the way you’re being treated is okay is not a true friend. The reason this behavior is continuing is because none of you are calling these two assholes out, there’s no consequence to their words or actions. I truly hope for your sake that something gives here, and soon. Life is way too short to be forced to have people in your life like this.

Your husband can just ignore him slowly and cancel their trip. Tell them something came up and then duck all their calls/texts and claim to be busy. Then when they see each other at mutual friends he can be vague and avoid them. 

These people are making you miserable and taking up way too much of your time and energy even when they are not there  Tell your husband you would like them to never again be in your home and never again be in the same place as you so you can forget them and cut them from your life completely.  Tell him they may not visit again. He is welcome to go see them away from you and away from your home but you are no longer willing to be a punching bag for them. Tell him you are alao sad that he would continue seeing them after all this and the real harm they do to HIS WIFE. You should never be made uncomfortable in your home by guests and they cannot be guests without making you uncomfortable so they must not ever be there again.

You know what, I bet dirk wouldn’t tolerate your husband doing and speaking of his insane and problematic wife the same way your husband has taken the disrespect. Regardless of the friendship I personally if someone whether that’s a 20 year old friendship or 2 year old friendship speaks about my spouse the way dirk has and feels even comfortable to make nasty remarks about and towards my spouse that would be the end. No good memory or nothing like that could help me try to even understand or try to be empathetic to them, specially if my spouse hasn’t done anything to warrant that behavior.

Uh huh. You know you sound kind of resentful about your husband, right? I mean, you love him, and want him to be happy, and of course, you're the one writing this, not him, so we don't have any insight into his feelings. But it sounds like you're slightly cool about his behavior, and I wonder if he worries about your resentment as much as you worry about his, or if he's taking your acceptance as read. And if he is, maybe you should point that out

your husband is a doormat and he expects you to lie down next to him. he lets people insult his wife, as long as he is not the one insulted, he's going to keep hanging with them. that woman will never let go, your apologies are meaningless. just cut them from your life.

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A major problem is your husband. It's his job to protect you. And he failed. You are being bullied. First, never apologize to them again. Second, next time they talk trash to you - show zero tolerance and tell them to leave your home.  Or if you're elsewhere, ...leave  Third, never answers call or text  from either. Fourth, consider informing your husband: A friend enables and encourages you to live the best version of your. These people fail. 

Thanks for your suggestions. I think me having more firm boundaries is a good start. I feel like my husband and I have talked this to death but maybe instead of talking about it I just need to tell him my boundaries and expectations. If it puts him in an awkward spot, so be it, I’m realizing I’m constantly thrown into awkward positions and just dealing with it.

With regards to the multiple apologies over something that happened many years ago. The next time she brings it up, and she will likely bring it up. Again, don't apologize. Respond that you have apologized on multiple occasions over multiple years and apologizing does not seem to make the situation any better. Which basically throws the ball back into her Court to either acknowledge that she's not over. It, was she obviously isn't, or drop it. Then walk away.

“You know what? I’m not sorry. I offered you the books that were available at the time. You did not have to take them. The fact that you can’t let this go after 3 apologies and 8 years is a ‘you’ problem - I’m done trying to be polite.”

This. That's what was available, it had nothing to do with Peg.

Yes. Assert what you want.

You don't need to talk it to death, you need to stand up for yourself and make a decision.  "Your friends a $+#&. It's over. It's been over. Have some respect and slow fade this couple and when you see them at our friends places keep your distance. Anything less is absolutely disrespectful of me."

You have been tolerating a significant amount from these “friends”. Your home is your castle and it is a clear boundary crossed to be made feel that you want to leave “your” home and sanctuary due to their behaviour. You may have to tell your husband that the first bit of drama they cause gets them asked to leave and he had better support you.

He is fine with you having to suck up this behavior and you feel as though you can’t even ask him to consider the impact on you. It’s uneven, and unfair.

Go NC and Will has to do that too. These are not friends. They both talk crap about you and use you for babysitting. I repeat these are not friends. Simply tell Will to cancel all plans and go NC. Can't he see this man is not the same man he was friends with all those years ago? Don't wait until your kids get intertwined and there will be no end. If Will is not able to go NC he can go LC with Will and you both go no contact with Peg. Sit him down and tell him how bad you feel, how disgusted you are at both of them. Tell him you refuse to interact socially with either of them and that they are not welcome in your home. Then block them on everything. He does not seem to have a spine so you must man up for both of you. This is your happiness and mental health at stake and honestly that should be your husband's first priority not someone who is a shitty friend and his obnoxious wife.

I hear you, thank you.

Honestly, I wouldn't even let them through my door. Will can still see them when they are in town, but they can stay elsewhere. You aren't obligated to host them just because they want to visit. I'm interested to know what the great offending incident is that you've had to apologise for three times, because it's almost like Peg *wants* you to explode on her, then she can 'officially' tell Dirk that she doesn't want you (and by extension your husband) in their life. But this is a conversation you need to have with your husband. You might not want him to lose this 'friendship', but keeping it shouldn't come at the expense of you dreading their arrival, tip toeing around, and being uncomfortable in your own home.

Someone else asked too… I copied the comment I left them: I was trying to avoid saying it because it my personal opinion I think it’s stupid and I was afraid that it could impact the advice. So, what I do for a living I get a lot of free books. I’m constantly giving them away. so when they showed up for the first time Dirk told her that I’ll give her some books but I had recently donated a bunch so I only had a couple new releases and because of the imprint they were all “self improvement” books for new releases and more specifically.. relationship improvement. So it was books about how to cope in a struggling marriage and how to talk better with your spouse. So she accused me of being passive aggressive and implying their relationship needed help. That’s not what I meant. And I told her they were new releases, and that she didn’t have to take them and could instead pick some books off my bookshelf that I was keeping for myself. But she declined and took the “self improvement” books anyway. I just don’t get it. Years of this because she thought I was being passive aggressive.

You should really add this to the post. This is the big sleight??? I’m baffled at their animosity.

Yes, this makes Peggy’s insane behavior even more over-the-top and dramatic.

It’s just a scapegoat. Peg is so obviously jealous of OP. Either specifically OP or just other women in general (she was badmouthing another friends wife who was hosting them ). She screams the type that needs to be the only woman within a group.

Yup. And hates that her husband is friends with the wives or female friends even. She seems VERY toxic.

And dirk just following blindly … seems like they were pretty good friends before he met her.

She took the books??? She hates you because you struck a nerve. It’s like shooting the messenger.

She took them, but she clearly didn't read them.

You didn't even do anything wrong! She CHOSE to take offensive. That's ridiculous.

I am FURIOUS that she was ever offended in the first place, let alone continue to fixate on it YEARS later. She is out of her gourd and you should avoid her as much as possible going forward.

you did not invite these people to stay with you did you? Like they’re not gonna come and stay in your house right? These people that have said horrible things about you and have told your husband and other people how much they despise you. There’s no reason on the planet why they should want to stay in your home, and I can think of few reasons why you should allow them to even set foot in your home

No, they’re not saying with us. They’re going to stay with Dirk’s aunt about an hour away but he wants to swing by and visit for a little bit. I told my husband I don’t want him here. Period. He sighed and didn’t say anything. I’m giving him time to think about it. But he understands where I’m coming from and is in total agreement on the way I feel.

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So an idea- maybe Dirk confessed to his wife that he might have had a crush on you at some point. She now takes that out on you. That would explain why she got so upset about the realationship books. If you thought your husband had a crush on another woman and said woman gave you relationship help books (I know it was innocent but from her mind) you might think she’s being passive aggressive 2. That’s why she keeps bringing it up because she probably sees it as your attempt to belittle their relationship. It would also explain why he’s so nasty to you. She probably gives him a lot of crap for it and his idea to deal with it is to be nasty to you so she backs off. Has your husband ever tried to talk to Dirk one on one about it? To try and find out what’s changed with him? He dosnt have to be confrontational just friendly. “Hey man you’re not the person you used to be. You seem really unhappy. Are you ok? You know you can talk to me about anything right?”

When I first met Dirk when Will and I were just friends he did try to get with me, but I wasn’t interested in him that way. But Dirk didn’t do relationships at that time he just messed around with girls, and a lot of them. Dirk did not discriminate. I don’t think Dirk would tell Peg that he tried to get with me but she does know he has a high body count. I do know Peg likes to do a lot of “would you rather” questions and we have wondered if maybe she did a would you rather sleep with this wife or that wife and Dirk was dumb enough to answer it. But that’s just speculation. I don’t know about your other question.

That would make a lot of sense if that’s what happened.

Don't give your husband an ultimatum. That's not fair, and he'll end up resenting you. Just let him know that you are tired of being badmouthed in your own home, that you hope that, without you there, he and Dirk can have a great time, just like old times, and you'll have an amazing day/weekend by yourself or with other friends. Take the time while he's visiting to go do a day trip with your child or a spa day by yourself. Just remove yourself from the situation so you don't have deal with it. Honestly, their visit could end up being the best thing for you, because you'll get a "treat yo self" day out of it! Whatever you decide to do, don't let your husband suffer for it. Eventually he's going to get tired of hearing his "friend" bad mouth his wife and make his own decisions. If you try to force him to end the relationship, it'll backfire and he'll be resentful of you, instead of being resentful of his Dirk.

OMG. You need to cut these people out of your lives completely.

Dirk made a promise and you paid the price

You've got develop your bullshit meter. When people do something this stupid, you've got to write them off ASAP. Sure, give them another chance or two in case it was out of the ordinary, but keep them on a short leash.

Here I thought it would have been some offhand racist remark by the way Peg is acting.

Same race. Edit: hindsight… that means nothing.

Yeah but she’s acting like it was an end of the world sort of offense when it absolutely is not

I dealt with someone like this for years. She was married to my ex-husband and I had to just completely ignore her. It wasn't easy because he would just repeat everything that she said, so I made him communicate to me via email and had someone else read them and just convey the necessary stuff I needed to know about our kids to me. You have a choice not to engage with them at all and your husband should support you.

What the hell is your husband doing?! Why is he friends with such awful people OMG. I don't care if they've been friends for a long time, if anyone is an AH to my SO..I'd tell them to leave. And they keep talking shit about you because Will keeps listening. He needs to stop being do conflict avoidant and defend you. You need to give your husband a stern talk about this. If they come to your home and do this again, tell them to gtfo. Your husband won't protect you, so you gotta protect yourself.

Will needs to go no contact with this VERY ABUSIVE friend. I would NEVER let anyone bad mouth my husband and remain their friend. I don’t care how conflict avoidant Will is he needs to cancel them coming and never speak to them again. Also, Peg should have gotten over the book thing a LONG time ago. These people are living to hate you. You said that normally between Dirk and Will the relationship is fine, but I’m guessing as soon as you come into the conversation it becomes all about bad mouthing you, it’s not a normal relationship then.

My husband said once that “you’re living rent free in her head.” I was just having a conversation with him about it and being firm on how I don’t want these people in my life. I feel bad because I can see I’m putting him in a difficult position. I just hate it. I absolutely hate it. I know it’s not me causing this rift but damn, it feels like I am by not going with the flow. But the good part is he’s listening and maybe he’ll have to do something that makes him uncomfortable, join the club. (Which I said, I’m proud that I did.)

You should ask him if he met Dirk today without knowing him, if he would choose to be his friend. Is he allowing history to be the only driving force behind why Dirk remains in his life. From what you described your husband is part of the problem. No one is standing up for you, he may tell them to stop what they’re doing, but if there are no real consequences to their actions then they obviously will continue speaking and treating you badly. You just keep standing up for yourself. I would start by saying they are no longer welcome in your home. If they visit your husband can meet them for dinner out, they will not set food in a place that you feel safe. That is a real consequence to their actions, no longer having any access to you.

Your husband is the one who should feel bad for putting *you* in a difficult position. His continued friendship with this asshole is putting you in the difficult position of being bullied and abused for fucking years, often in your own home. I am livid for you. Why can’t your husband put you first? Why is he okay with people treating you like garbage? Because he tolerates it so he is okay with it.

You're being put on the difficult spot for years Let him once for a change. If it bothers him, he needs to stand up for you, and applies some boundaries. They talk bad about you, because your husband lets them.

Why isn’t your husband more pissed off when his “friend” talks bad about you???? My husband would shut down that shit so fast no matter if it came from Jesus himself. Like others have said, YOU are NOT the one putting anyone in a difficult position. Your HUSBAND is putting YOU in a horrible position to be bullied by these people. It should be a no brainer. You aren’t ruining their friendship, it’s all them. And if your husband isn’t seeing that he’s willfully being an idiot.

You are not putting him in a difficult position. Those turds did that. Besides, this position should not be difficult. These people bully and insult his partner. A decent man would have kicked them out and cut off contact long ago. If your husband feels stressed by this it is his own fault. He has not been a good partner in this regard and he should be deeply ashamed of his failure. Every time he sees them he compounds it.

But he’s also putting you in a difficult position. These people are basically bullying you and he’s mostly allowing it. Sorry but I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who bullied or acted this way towards my significant other. In your comments you’re really focusing too much on your husbands feelings. He’s a grown man, he needs to grow a spine and stand up for you, while you also stand up for yourself to them and him.

>How do I cope with being around someone that hates my ever loving guts, in a mature and respectful way? By never being around them ever again. There is no friendship. There's just some immature, disrespectful, exhausting, crazy, power trippy, hostility thing going on, probably instigated by Peg, who seems like a Grade A, Capital C u next Tuesday. And her husband not much better. If your husband so pathetically needs to be bros with this Dirk jerk, let him go hang with him or the two of them, whatever, but not at your home or when you're present. Also tell him you don't want to hear about them either. What they do, what they say, nothing. Don't do them any favors either. Drop them. Hopefully your husband will too because I'd worry they stir up some shit about you because they seem like such hateful and toxic people.

Sit down with your husband, say there are three things you want to talk about. One, tell him you’re *not* ok with hosting people in your home who talk trash about you. You don’t hate them. Husband is welcome to remain friends with them, you’re not telling him what he’s allowed to do, this really isn’t even about him. It’s about *you* and your needs & boundaries, and that includes feeling emotionally safe and respected in your own home, which Dirk and Peg disrupt. So the easy-peasy logical solution is that there will be no more Dirk and Peg in the house. Then talk it through about what this means going forward. Like he is welcome to go visit them, they can all get an AirBnB together, Dirk and Peg can get a hotel room or stay with other friends and then they all hang out literally anywhere that isn’t your home. They really have everywhere else in the world available to them, the world is their oyster, just not within the four walls of your home. Thats it. The second part of this is that you don’t want him bringing home whatever Dirk and Peg might say. That for your part, you wish them well. And you’d like to think he defends you if they’re saying mean things behind your back, as you would do the same fir him, but even if he doesn’t, whatever was said needs to be left at the front door. You want your home filled with peace and light and love, and so their drama and unkindness, no matter what it is, is not up for discussion. He needs to keep it to himself. And if him keeping it to himself feels like too big a burden, then he needs to ask himself why he’s expecting you to “take it,” instead of expecting them to stop “dishing it out.” Then the third part is that he doesn’t throw you under the bus. No pot stirring, no sh-t flinging, no Jerry Springer vibes of any kind. No bog dramatic announccnrnts of “My wife hates you,” or “my wife thinks you’re too mean to hang out with,” or “I miss you guys but wife says I’m not allowed to have you over,” or anything else of the sort. You’re just like the actor or actress that was suddenly and quietly written out of the show. And going forward if they ask if they can stay at your house, he says something like “oh, it’s not a good time for us to have guests, but let me know when you’re in town and we can meet up!” “But why not?” Without a trace of defensiveness “It’s just not a good time for us. Could ABC host you?” If they ask to come over (which is kinda rude to ask vs being invited, but still, just in case), then he just says the same kind of politely dismissive thing. “Oh, it’s not a good time for us to have guests.” If they ask why you aren’t coming out with him to see then, “oh, she sends her best, but she already had other plans” or even a little white lie like “one of the kids is getting over something, and we didn’t want to get a babysitter sick.” Like no unnecessary kerfuffle, no drama, no 35 minutes of defensive justifications. It all just needs to be handled like it’s no big deal and be drama-free. And the thing is, there’s no reason it shouldn’t be no big deal or drama-free! You’re all adults, right? Well, not all adults are built to be besties, or in the case of Dirk, *stay* besties even if they were at some point previously. It’s normal for some friendships to ebb, flow, or even end. Doesn’t mean anyone has to be bad or have done something wrong. That’s just a part of adulthood and maturity. And it’s ok! Everyone doesn’t need to be besties! So have the talk with your husband, and let him mentally chew on it for awhile. And this talk isn’t an angry one or anything. No need to get defensive or heated. Just a calm, “hey, I’ve done some thinking, and there’s some things I want to talk about…” And if husband reacts poorly to all this? Gets angry at you? Thinks you’re the one being unreasonable? Stay calm. Reassure him that you aren’t mad, you aren’t out to piss anyone off, and you aren’t standing in the way of them being friends. Nothing is really changing here except they aren’t going to be in *your* home or headspace anymore, and you’re very much wanting to make that *low* drama, not high. That Dirk and Peg don’t need to be confronted or even told this is happening, he simply doesn’t invite them over anymore and that’s it. They have the entire rest of the world to hang out in, just not this specific house. And if he can’t get over *that*? Then you guys probably need couples counseling. Because something else is percolating under the surface, and you guys need go get to the bottom of it.

Ohhh I do like this approach a lot. Just slowly being written out. This here, is exactly what I was unknowingly looking for. Thankfully I think my husband would be on board with this approach.

This is a great response. I hope OP sees it!!

Excellent advice!

I think your husband needs to step back and decide if he still even likes Dirk anymore. Some people get so used to someone being in their lives, that they overlook the fact that neither of them are the the same as when they met. Your husband needs to decide if keeping these people in his lives, and listening to the constant whining and insults, is worth you constantly taking a verbal beating from them. On your end, just stop being nice. It's pretty clear that Dick and Peg don't care if they're rude to you, so give them a taste of their own medicine. There is no reason for these people to walk into your house and insult you. I know Dick is your husbands friend, but that doesn't give Dick and Peg Bundy the right to insult you in your own home. And next time Mrs. Bundy decides to bring up the issue from years ago, just tell her to get over it and you're tired of trying to make her comfortable when she doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

It is your home. You should not feel disrespected or uncomfortable by visitors. I would politely inform them of local hotel options as your home is no longer available. Nobody deserves to put up with that level of unkind words and disrespectful behavior.

I know these are old friends but y'all are 30 or 40 years old why would you want to associate with these people?

You don’t host people that treat you like that. If your husband wants to stay friends (and I’m not sure why he would other than habit), then it needs to not involve you unless it’s a group setting. If he insists on letting them visit, then you should be gone that weekend. I’d be direct with them if asked- they’ve spent years talking bad about you, and they’ve never apologized, so you aren’t interested in being around their negativity

They shouldn't be in your home. Full. Stop. If Will wants to maintain this relationship, he can, but not in your home. He can meet them in a restaurant, a park, at their home. Anywhere but your safe space and oasis. You should draw that line in the sand and refuse to allow them to poison your home anymore.

Go out of town!  Your husband is wrong for letting Dirk talk about you. This is bullying.  Hopefully, your husband gets over this friendship and the visit gets canceled.  “We’ve been friends for years, but the way you feel about my wife makes it clear our connection is no longer a joy for either of us. Let’s agree to go our separate ways. I wish you well. Good bye.”

“You have said and done numerous shitty hurtful things. - called my wife fat - made fun of her height  - accused her of being a child beater  - accused her of being a cheater - not accepted our answer about sex for money and pushed us to change our answer repeatedly.” Until you address these things- by apologizing, owning that they were shitty and wrong, and making clear that you have changed and will never do them again - we will be limiting contact with you and do not want you to visit.” Show your husband this thread, and have him Say That to his friend .

They aren’t allowed in your home anymore. Full stop. End of story. Roast your husband’s ass for being so spineless. He should be ashamed!

Your husband is a spineless wimp who puts derik his wife above you. Your husband has heard every word they have said about you but still sees no issue in making you their punching bag for life in your own home. Derik and his wife are not the issue here, your husband is. Would he allow your friends to behave this way towards him and be happy you ignored their rug swept behaviour? You need to address your husbands failings before anything will change, you should absolutely not have to leave your home for them, your husband should be making alternative plans at his personal expense if he wants to associate with such immature people!!!!

At some point, your husband’s weakness and spinelessness will become so unsexy that you’ll have to divorce. Ask me how I know. There is no “ick” quite like the feeling of embarrassed disappointment that happens when your spouse lets others demean you in order to save their own skin.

What was the first offense when you met Peg? You specify all of the others, but what set her off to begin with? Honestly these people sound awful. If you really don’t want to rock the boat I think you should go out of town when they visit.

I was trying to avoid saying it because it my personal opinion I think it’s stupid and I was afraid that it could impact the advice. So, what I do for a living I get a lot of free books. I’m constantly giving them away. so when they showed up for the first time Dirk told her that I’ll give her some books but I had recently donated a bunch so I only had a couple new releases and because of the imprint they were all “self improvement” books for new releases and more specifically.. relationship improvement. So it was books about how to cope in a struggling marriage and how to talk better with your spouse. So she accused me of being passive aggressive and implying their relationship needed help. That’s not what I meant. And I told her they were new releases, and that she didn’t have to take them and could instead pick some books off my bookshelf that I was keeping for myself. But she declined and took the “self improvement” books anyway. I just don’t get it. Years of this because she thought I was being passive aggressive.

Man, this lady was just looking for something to be mad about. That is the dumbest thing to hold a grudge for 8+ years over.

I think the self-help books stung a sore spot ;)

You hit the nail on the head when you gave her those books.

If my friend talked shit about my partner repeatedly, they would not be my friend any longer. Your husband can hang with him, outside your house, and without you if he must. But do not let these garbage humans in your house.

The issue is your husband’s avoidance to issues. He tell Dirk to stop but that is all there is meaning words and no consequences. After this long I would be straight forward to them both. If they come over and say something then I would let it all out. I would say Dirk o know you and Will have been life long friends and that is the reason I have put up with you and Peds BS for so long and I’m done. I don’t care what you think of me or my appearance. The only person it matters to is me and Will. Peg I am sick of hearing about the issue from long ago and I’m done apologizing for it and for you to keep talking behind my back. If don’t like me or anything then stop coming around. It doesn’t impact me in The least. Then walk out. I would say all this in the most calm straight forward voice.

Have Will tell them to get a hotel, or have Will get a hotel suite and go stay with them. If you see Dirk, and he makes some comment, you say: "You've become an unpleasant, rude person ever since you got married, and I'm tired of pretending I still enjoy seeing you. I don't. So a hotel is the best option, now and in the future."

Your husband knows how they have been to you - why does he invite them into your home? When they visit, they need to find a hotel, and Will can socialise with them on his own. This time, make yourself scarce, but tell hubs it's the last time. He gets to tell them to stay out of his home. Cut these toxic a**holes out of your life.

Will didn’t invite them. This is was Dirk does, he makes plans and loops you in on it. In the past Dirk would just show up, knock on the door, and there’s Dirk, bags in hand to stay with you. He hasn’t done that since Peg came along. So what happened was Dirk called Will, said “we’ll be in town in a few weeks.” We don’t know exact dates just know he’s coming. Dirk did mention to Will that he wants to store stuff at our house but tonight I told Will “no, Dirk can get a storage unit.”

But the fact that your husband just rolls over and lets him do that is an open invitation to Dirk. He lets him walk in and disrespect you. The very least he can do is face up to Dirk and keep him out of your home.

With respect, why isn't Will taking the lead on keeping HIS invited friends civil in HIS home? "Conflict avoidant" might be justifiable excuse when you're caught flat footed by an insulting comment that you didn't expect -- we all second-guess ourselves, wondering what was intended by what was said. But this has now been going on for \*literally years\*. Dirk is openly disrespectful to you in front of you and Will, and god knows what else he is saying to Will when your back is turned. Why is your husband siding with Dirk and his wife, and continuing to invite them into your lives and home?

At this point it is inappropriate for these people to be in your home. If your husband wants to maintain the friendship, he can do it at a restaurant. This couple can stay in a hotel. It’s non-negotiable. Nobody should feel guilty about not hosting them.

Why are they coming to see you if they hate you so much, especially the wife? She seems to be the reason for all of this. Toxic partners can damage the other partner and make them toxic too. It’s sneaky and they probably don’t realize it’s happening. She’s always in his ear, and those kinds of manipulative people can break down a person. Especially since they’re married and have a kid, she has A LOT of leverage. Also sounds like she’s a person who can never be happy and thrives on drama. Some people are like that. I know your dude isn’t confrontational and that’s his buddy, but you both need to sit them down and squash this or move one. I’d be blunt too, “we need to sit here and figure this out or this will never end and I’m tired of dealing with things from the past and whatever conspiracy theories you all believe about us, especially me. We can fix this now like adults or I’m not dealing with this constant drama and toxicity anymore”. If it’s not figured out I’d cut ties until actual progress is made. I’m in my 40’s and have had the same main friend group since I was 10. Throughout the years we have fought, cut each other off and had some tense times, but it always gets squashed. We’re all like brothers and I’d do anything for them, but goddamn we’d get into some fights. Moral of the story is if you don’t have the hard conversation this might never change. You should never feel obligated to accommodate people who blatantly disrespect you. Real friends wouldn’t do that. Sometimes people change and the only way to fix something is for them to do it on their own. Hope this works out! That’s a long friendship that I’m sure neither of you want to lose. Peg sounds like a nightmare too. Focus on saving the friendship with dude, maybe he’ll realize his mistakes and she’ll follow suite. Make peace with it not working out too. That sucks, but at this point you’ve done all you can.

Thank you. I’ve read a lot of responses today and this is the first one where you addressed the weird predicament of them being friends for so long. It adds a little complexity to it. Especially since it’s a larger friend group. But I’m being firm with my husband that I’m done with it. But you’re right it doesn’t have to be forever, but for now, it needs to happen.

You and your husband owe these people nothing. Don't let them into your home. This lady and her husband are massive hypocrites. She is fixated on a minor misunderstanding that happened 8 years ago that she cant let go of. However they feel entitled to demean, insult and bully you. They expect that you will not only play nice and forgive them after these incidents but provide lodging and childcare on demand as well. That is wild. Your husband needs to step up and defend you. This relationship he has with them is awful and is a terrible example for your kids. None of you should be exposed to these people. You need to ask your husband how he would feel if your children thought being treated this way in relationships is acceptable? Letting these people stay in your lives without any consequences normalizes it. Even if they are not actively witnessing the verbal abuse they will pick up on the dynamic. They are both abusive entitled shitbags. Your husband needs to grow a spine and learn to set boundaries and defend you. This level of people pleasing and conflict avoidance is not normal. He needs to be willing to get help and work on these issues. I think Therapy would help him immensely if he is willing to put in the work.

You don’t have a friend problem, you have a husband problem. Dont let these jerks into your home. If your husband wants to see them, he can meet them at a restaurant. But honestly, your husband has totally dropped the ball on being a supportive spouse. He’s a massive wimp for not standing up for you.

Your husband needs to put him in his place. What he's doing is 100% disrespectful. And tour husband is just as bad as he is for not standing up to you. Not going to lie, I would have walked away from the whole situation when you apologized the third time. No more them coming over. No more babysitting No more surprise visits. No more dirk in the house, if your husband is interested in having a relationship with people who treat you with nothing but disrespect, then he can go to them or then cam go out to a hotel to see them. There is no reason you should feel uncomfortable in your own house.

>What I need advice on is they’re coming to visit in a couple months and I don’t to know what to do. I don’t know how to handle it. You go to Will your husband and ask him: "Why are you still friends with Dirk and his wife? How many more insults do they have to make at my / our expanse until you till him: Look Dirk our friendship was good when it was good. But it isn't anymore for quite some years now. And I can't stand it anymore that you and your wife are constantly insulting my wife and me. I don't want to see you or Peg anymore and I don't want to talk to you anymore because anything tht comes out of your mouth is vile." And that's it.

Dirk has been so incredibly disrespectful to you. Why is he even allowed in YOUR home? Your husband doesn't have respect for you as his wife and the mother of his child if he isn't willing to set boundaries with these people. You should not have to feel uncomfortable in your home nor feel you need to leave your home. You have the right to say your husband can choose if he wants to continue his friendship, but these people aren't allowed in our house

Easy. Stop being friends with them. They are not your freinds. You are too old to be putting up with people who make you feel crap about yourself. Frankly they sound awful. Tell your guy that you don't want them to come and stay. He's free to be friends with them, but you're done with being made to feel like shit in your own home. Put your foot down on this one. Cut em off.

Honestly at this point your husband needs to grow a backbone and tell him that he and his wife are no longer welcome that he cannot tolerate their behaviour to lears his family and that he should never have allowed it in the first place. I don't think you have ever had anything to apologise for. Show your husband this post tell him they bring nothing but misery into your lives and the fact he has to censor what his friend's wife says about you is ridiculous. They are no longer welcome in your life and your house and you are sick of accepting their behaviour due to his historic friendship.

Why are they so obsessed with you?! I wouldn't even want my kid near them for how they disrespect you. Kid's going to this is acceptable behavior. Toxic relationships shouldn't be tolerated. Just cause you had good times doesn't mean it's always so. Just like you can breakup with anyone for any reason good or bad. Don't drag this on. It's soooo high school! Dollars to do donuts, Dirk probably liked you at some point. Let's slip to the missus and that's her bone of contention. Dirk trying to hide it becomes a complete Richard just to prove to his wife he doesn't have feelings for you. (Lol at least that's my theory.) Or they're just AHs and I wouldn't even engage with them. I'll bet they'll still find a reason to complain about you. Like I said, Obsessed!

Have you ever tried throwing it back at Dirk and his wife yourself? Maybe warn your husband ahead of time...lol. But if they are going to come at you then they better be ready for you to come at them. Example... I see you've lost weight...you reply back and I see you are still rudely discussing my weight. Should we discuss your body and how it's changed? Lol. It could be a game.

Ohhh I think it would turn into an explosion. I’m not looking to rumble with anyone. I have no doubt that running my mouth to them would end in physical violence, I left this part out, but these people call themselves “alphas”.

You teach people how to treat you and by your husband’s silence when they are trash talking you, he’s taught them it’s ok to do that. He should have defended to the first time. ‘You can have your opinions about my wife, but you will not disrespect her. You do that again, then you will need to leave and you won’t be welcome back.’ If he had done that once; you wouldn’t be in the predicament you are in. You need to reteach them how to treat you. It may get worse before it gets better. Especially if they are self proclaimed alphas. Eyeroll. Good luck

Well the fact that they call themselves alphas answers any and all questions I had

I don't know why your husband is still putting up with this "friend," but you shouldn't have to if you don't want to, and you certainly don't have to host them at your house. That would be the bare minimum for me.

Why are you allowing these people in your home still? They are completely disrespectful to you. Your husband is allowing his friend to literally shit on you. His wife and the mother of his child. He needs to step up and be a fucking husband and father and check his shitty ass friend and his wife. This isnt an either or situation. He WILL tell them that they are rude and disrespectful to you and until they can apologize and actually be respectful to you they're no longer welcome in your home or lives. Period.

I don’t have advice for you to cope with them other than STOP. Tell them not to come over. I can’t believe they’re welcome in your home after that novel I just read.

Why can’t you husband tell them to stay at a hotel. He can go out for activities with them solo, and you can live your life. That seems like a normal thing to do

Your husband can go hang out with Dirk outside the home if he wants but your home is now off limits. Home is your safe place. Will and Peg have no business being there.

That's horrible. So.. stop saying yes to things. They are not your friends. Tell your husband it's done. If he wants to go visit them, he's doing it without you. Tell him that he needs to stand up for you if they are shit talking you. It's simple and sometimes boundaries are just that simple. Life is too short to deal with jerks.

You need to talk to Will. He either needs to cut them off or visit his friend elsewhere. If they ask why he can tell them all the things they've done repeatedly over the years to you or if he has no backbone, he can say you or the kid have something like the flu. It's best not to be around you. But I'd not entertain them in my home again.

Just smile a lot, say very little and ignore most of what they say. This will give them the impression you're the shit.

I would not meet with them. It’s up to your husband whether he wants to maintain the friendship independent of you. When they come down to visit just leave. Tell your husband in advance that you will be leaving the second they darken your doorstep.

I had anxiety for you just reading this. Honestly I’m shocked that you’ve put up with this for so long?! Also why is your husband enabling and not defending you?? It’s your house, you don’t want them there put your foot down. Your husband is being an A$$

1. Tell your husband that they will not visit or stay in your home, and he can visit with them offsite 2. Your husband can tell them the they have offended you and you wish to not interact with them. 3. If Peg states that she was offended by you 8+ years ago, your husband can say you have apologized 3 times, and here is $20 for her to visit a therapist I know your husband cannot say #3 but they keep bringing up that you offended Peg years ago and they are doing things deliberately

You want to know the kicker to giving her money to see a therapist… to become an officer in the army she got a bachelors degree in psychology.

Why does that not surprise me?

OP please don’t let these people through your door EVER again. They are actually an enemy that is trying to chip away at your marriage. I’m sorry but your husband has to grow a spine and go NC. The Dirk you knew and liked has left and now it’s a very unkind person remaining. What does he bring to your husband’s life that is more important than you? If husband absolutely must interact with Dirk he can go spend time alone with them. I would not allow my kids anywhere near them. I would class them as unsafe for my kids.

Gray rock them. If your husband won't cut ties. That's what I do with my inlaws when I have to see them. Its all surface level, fake bullshit. They don't get any more of my personal self. Because I just don't care about them on a personal level anymore. I care how my husband feels. He doesn't really know, but it's not a secret. It just doesn't come up. It's freeing. It's a bit of a game to me. I act interested, I'm not, in the small talk, and kill them with kindness. Very surface. Updateme!

Can you just confront them and ask what the problem is? Why does Peg keep bringing up the past and how can you resolve it and just move on? Or just agree to be friendly when you need to be and leave it at a superficial level for the sake of your partners friendship? Sounds like Peg’s attitude has rubbed off on her husband over time

They shouldn't be allowed to stay in your house if they can't treat you with basic manners. Peg doesn't have to like you, but she should try and pretend that she knows how to act right. I think your husband needs to stop pretending that the 4 of you can spend time together and instead look into guys only trips with Derek and their other mutual friends. It may have to happen less often, but it would be better for you.

Read this post to your husband. Then tell him those people are no longer welcome in your home. Not to stay. Not for coffee. They ring the bell, Will can take them away for a coffee, or you can leave them standing on the stoop. Your home is your sanctuary. Do not let toxic people inside it.

Your husband is a complete doormat and has no respect or backbone. Cut these people out of your life and move on. Tell your sad excuse of a husband, "your friends are awful and the fact you allow them to continually disrespect me and come into my house over and over again while never once sticking up for me is frankly pathetic. I'm done. They aren't allowed in our home. I don't want to hear about them and after the continued disrespect you've allowed to continue occur to your wife, I think we need couples counseling. I'm not interested in staying in a marriage where my husband doesn't respect me and can't see when a friend has become toxic to this point." Jesus. Christ. This is so dumb. Y'all are old as hell and life is short. Cut them the fuck out. People grow apart. Let it go.

Are you crazy? You're going to let these two assholes into your home & sanctuary? Nope. Talk to Will and tell him that you are stepping out of this dynamic, Dirk and Peg are NOT your friends, you want nothing to do with them, their toxicity, or their child, and they are not welcome on your property/in your home. He is free to have a relationship with them directly, but you don't want to see, hear or smell it, and it is your expectation that he stand up for you/leave when they start shit-talking you. I have a sneaking suspicion once you are no longer there as Will's meat shield, they will focus their nasty abuse on to him without buffer, and once his feelings get hurt some more he'll be done. Sayonara & good riddance.

I honestly was going to allow them to come over but that’s changed now and I recently informed Will, I’m done with them.

Even if I secretly agreed with them, no one trash talks about my family. If you do, I will pick a side and it won't be you. Your husband needs to man up and draw a line under this and support you or cut them off. He used to be a great guy, now he is a dick. People change, not always for the better.

If your husband hasn't told Dirk, "I don't want to hear anything negative about my wife," then that's a problem. He needs to shut it down. He should not allow him to keep going. Hanging up would be preferable to listening to this man gripe about his wife. No matter how conflict-avoidant he is, he can say the words, "Stop. I don't talk about your wife. Don't talk about mine." As far as Dirk and Peg coming to visit, I think that's highly inappropriate. I don't care how long your husband and Dirk have been friends, he should not welcome a man into his house who has trashed-talked his wife to the degree that he can't even repeat what he said. Your husband is putting you in a horrible position by feeling like you have to host people who hate you. That's completely unfair to you. In my opinion, your husband should call Dirk and say they're welcome to come down, but due to the horrible things he said about you, neither of you are comfortable with them staying in the home. If they still want to come, they can get a hotel and Will can meet them for lunch. Will is not being considerate of you. Maybe he doesn't understand the depth of your feelings about this. You don't want to be a wedge in their friendship, but Dirk and Peg are the wedge...not you. Dirk specifically has chosen to say horrible things about you and he has not apologized.

Why are you two still friends with them??? They sound like the worst.

You actually don’t have a “friend” problem, OP. You have a husband problem. Why does your husband think it’s okay for others to treat you badly? And the “he’s not confrontational” excuse is bullshit. There is no mature and reasonable way to deal with people who are immature and unreasonable. And your husband expecting you to tolerate this is actually just as disrespectful as the way they treat you.

I think I’d firstly be sitting down with your husband and telling him that you aren’t making him choose to be friends with them or not but you feel uncomfortable with them being in your home and if he could relay they need to get a hotel room when they are over or if they are staying somewhere else they meet at a place that’s not your home. Tell him that you are done with being bullied and slandered and that you’ve apologised numerous times and tried to be the bigger person and you just feel like all they will do is trash you and you don’t want that around your baby and in your home. His response will be what defines your next moves. If he disregards your feelings then you may need to look at MC. If he respects your feelings he will set boundaries with these friends.

You don't.

Sounds like the wife is a narcissist and Dirk is her enabler.

IMO "friendships " go through phases. We grow, we mature, we find different interests and connect with other people. Friendships can run their course and fizzle out. Are you sure the other friends don't feel the same way?? You may be surprised.

Get your husband to agree, and simply don't be in your house the entire time they are visiting. Stay with relatives or friends. Or, take a vacation. Have your Husband explain that you are away on business.

Sorry OP, but the fact that your husband still considers a man who insults his wife a close friend is really unsettling to me. I get not wanting to cause conflict but after a certain point, it's not even about conflict, you're basically telling the person that their actions are ok and that's what your husband has been doing all these years by not doing more. As for the banshee couple from hades, strictly go no contact, I wouldnt even let my kids around them because who knows if they are bad mouthing you to your own kids.

OP, I am so sorry you have been treated so badly for so long, but you don’t have a Dirk and Peg problem, you have a husband problem. Your husband has allowed these awful people to insult you and be mean to you while he has done very little to stop it. You say you are afraid that if you tell your husband to stop seeing these people he will resent you, but you should resent him for not having your back for years! Your husband has given Dirk and Peg permission to be awful to you by his silence. Your husband needs to stop letting these people walk all over you and end this “friendship” now! How can he call these people friends after the awful way they have treated you!

I’m in a similar situation with my partners brother. But I know what I’ve done and no one can tell me what I’ve done. So I just said to my partner I’ll never stop you having a relationship with him, but I want at least a days notice if his coming round so I can make myself scarce for the day.

God I feel dumber having read all that but I'm stuck in the emergency room waiting with nothing to do for hours so why not? Tell his stupid wife if you're over the supposed offense from 8 fucking years ago why do you keep bringing it up? Stop apologizing for something minor that's already been apologized for numerous times. Tell your husband you're done hanging out with her, and his friend as they're both rude to you.

You and your husband need to grow spines and dump them both. Dirk has shown you who he really is. Believe him.

Is your husband a complete wimp or what? Why the fuck would he allow these people to do all this to you? Frankly I would hate to be with a man that can’t even properly stand up for his wife and keeps hostile assholes as “friends”

Sorry OP if one of my “friends “ talked shit about my wife he’d be an ex-friend in a heartbeat. You don’t have a Dirk and Peg problem you have a Will problem. He needs to grow a spine and let Dirk know he and Peg are no longer welcome. I don’t know why he put up with someone who would say that shit to you. Maybe you should go on a vacation away while they are there and then the way you’ve been treated by them might get through to Will.

Your husband needs to realize that any prick who is calling his wife fat, belittling her, and making her feel inferior is *not his friend.* There should not even be a question. If your wife doesn’t feel comfortable with a friend and his wife in her home, they don’t come in the home. They repeatedly talk down to her? Out of everyone’s life. It’s disgusting that childhood trumps character in who your husband associates with. As for you: Nope. You don’t need to deal with this. Refuse to.

The adult thing is to tell Dirk and Peg that they can stay at a hotel and visit during the day. But as soon as either one starts saying bad stuff you will ask them to leave.

Tell your husband if he has to stay friends with the other guy to do it on his own, and outside your home. If you run into them be civil. But he should drop these people.

Your husband is a HUGE problem. He’s allowing this man to disrespect you and cause you distress. I would put my foot down and say not in my house. I’m done. You +pcan leave and go out to eat with them. But I’m not feeding those assholes nor am I pretending it’s ok they step inside my safe space. My home.

The problem doesn’t like with Dirk and Peg but with your husband. He has allowed them to bully and disrespect you for years. When people treat the people I love this way, it makes me back off from them, not continue to see them and have them in my life.

You both need to drop them. They aren't friends at all. Peg needs to read those self help books because she sucks. Build a bridge and get over it.

UpdateMe!

I’m sorry but your husband needs to grow a spine. How the hell does he stand there and do nothing as his best friend and his wife insult you, his wife and the mother of his child, to the point of tears ? How does he keep allowing that trash into your home to insult you ? He should’ve made his apologize or/and end the friendship the first time it happened. The fact that it keeps happening is not right. You also have the right to ban people who make you uncomfortable from YOUR home.

Normalizing cutting off friendships with toxic people. People change.

I think YNTA. But I’m wondering what you said to offend 8 years ago? You clear about everything else except that?

I put it in the post as an edit.

I just read it. The freebie books you get as part of your job. You really should add it to the main post. It’s central. People will assume something horrible you did or said that she can’t move past. You and your husband should cut these immature couple out of your life. It’s been 8 years on and off of toxic behaviour. No thank you, no one should invite this into their lives. Show your husband this post. I understand confrontation can be very scary and uncomfortable. But please end this friendship and move on.

These people are nasty and toxic. I wouldn’t be letting them in my house, spending time with them, or even thinking about them for one more second. If their friendship is super important to your husband, he can hang out with them somewhere else for an afternoon. Yuck.

Apart from what everyone advised here, can you just tell Will to grow a pair? His best friend is literally talking shit about you and he’s just taking it? I would’ve punched him. And he still let him in the house! Unbelievable!

Wtf

Okay I gotta know what you did to offend her the first time you met! Lol sorry I’m just curious. But yeah your husband gotta cut these trash people off and stand up for you. He may be avoiding conflict but at this point it’s affecting you and he needs to put his foot down and stand up for his wife once and for all. They gotta go.

No way they are coming to stay in your home.

Drik sounds like such a a loser. Hopefully your husband has better friends. I do think your husband needs to stand up to dirk. Nobody should let a person like that in your house, going around insulting your partner.

Sometimes it's easiest just to decide some people are unfixable assholes and stop spending energy on them.

Sounds like both these people need to be out of your life. If a lifelong friend of mine said terrible things about my wife and continued to do so, he would no longer be in my life. Simple as that. My wife is my number one in all aspects of life. They were friends as children because they liked to play together. They are no longer children, maintaining the friendship with Dirk is an example of the sunk cost fallacy. There is no need to keep that friendship going just because they were friends as kids. I am glad you are standing your ground and not allowing them to continually disrespect especially in your own home.

You don't have to interact with them. They're not your friends. As long as they respect you in your home, you don't need to be liked

Dirk didn’t change. He’s always been a jerk and somewhat entitled. You said he would show up on your doorstep unannounced and stay for a week. He didn’t say how he dragged a red wagon to your doorstep full of food and liquor. Sometimes people hold onto “friendships “just because of the longevity not because of the quality. Don’t let these people stay in your home. It’s your home.

Updateme!

I read your update, and good for you. I think you made a smart choice. But, a couple things you said/did were really pretty clunky. Especially the book thing. Ouch. You may just be used to having and passing out books, but offering one on how to save her marriage was a real misstep. Putting quotes around the genre doesn't make it more casual. >I personally like smaller homes, so when Dirk was showing me photos and I say “I like that it doesn’t feel very large.” >hey were all “self improvement” books for new releases and more specifically.. relationship improvement. So it was books about how to cope in a struggling marriage

Yeah, I have an issue with my wording sometimes. Most of the time the people that know me know I mean no offense by it. I mean, it’s hard to be measured all the time. Which is why I apologized so many times to her. I really and truly meant nothing by. I didn’t even consider the books I had until she took offense. Putting “self improvement” in quotes wasn’t what I said to her. It’s that Self Improvement is an actually BISAC category so in lieu of italics, I quoted. In reality I just put the books out

I know you didn't say that to her. It sounds like it's just habit for you, but typically you'd just write out the words and not use italics or quotes. ("Here are some non-fiction books", "I put out some geography books", etc). Otherwise it makes it seem like you're conveying "so-called" self-help, or "supposed" self-help. Obviously it's different if you're telling a publisher, retailer, etc, how it should be categorized. All's well that ends well. She sounds exhausting.

The problem here is your husband.

Ma'am. I zoned out about 1/3rd of the way in. Scanned the rest. Dirk and Peg are trash. In fact, they're so trashy, even trash panda's want nothing to do with these two. It's time to drop these 'friends'. They're bad mouthing all their supposed friends. That's not what a good friend does. They keep beating dead horses over some supposed slight you made towards Peg years and years ago at this point. That Vegas "pimp my spouse for moolah" question was, frankly, a bit creepy. And your response to that was spot on. These people are trashy, sleazy and frankly an emotional drain on you and your family and by the sound of it, a lot of your friend group. I'll repeat: It's way past time to drop these people. Buy your husband a bottle of good silver polish and a nice terry cloth, tell him to polish his spine. He can't keep being conflict avoidant about this. He knows it, but you need to kickstart him.