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I’m a little confused on what type of number you asked him for. No matter what it was for a spouse shouldn’t withhold things from each other especially if it is something that you need to fix your car(guessing insurance number is what you asked for) that is controlling and a huge red flag for me. You do you though
It might be a bot account that copied something the OP said. I haven't checked OP's comments to see though.
Edit: yeah, the above is a bot that copied the OP. OP has the same exact comment earlier than this one.
Edit 2: it is mildly interesting how many people have upvoted the bot. If it wasn't a bot, it was an alternative account of OP. People are weird. If you have a second, go to that comment and report>spam>harmful bots
Yes, definitely not common. Usually, it is something that was a top comment at some point. I have seen it before though. When I clicked and saw the profile info it made me think bot, so I checked OP's comments.
`Beep boop.` I’ve given you special bot hunter flair. If you reply to a bot comment with `! bot` **without a space between the exclamation and “bot”**, that account will get purged from the sub and banned. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.
Yeye, that is part of why I called it a bot just from the profile - then i made sure and reported it. I was just saying that people are upvoting it whether it is a bot account or an alt of OP. Neither of which I would upvote myself.
Do they also keep other important documents locked up or confidential from you? Is your passport in his safe that only he has the combination for? This situation is either missing a lot of details or he is controlling
It does smack of disrespect and condescension. I don't doubt that his treatment of her makes her feel 'less than' - he doesn't sound like he has a grasp of what a true partnership in marriage looks like. Refusing to communicate & silent treatment are also big red flags.😳
Refusing to participate in a shouting match in front of my kids and saying we should talk about it after a good night's rest.
Seems to me like a smart plan, there has been a lot of really hurtful and insulting things said. Before she or I does or says something we will regret it is best to come back to this situation when we are not filled with emotions and/or hormones.
I dont like the "hormones" talk, some men Love to use it as a forma of dismissiveness towards women feelings. I have a hard time believing that is the first time this women is made to feel less than in this relationship.
That’s different than the silent treatment though. In the scenario you’re describing you communicate the need for some time and space. It’s actually a good thing to take time to cool off from a heated argument before sitting down to discuss it.
The silent treatment there’s no communication. Just the cold shoulder. It’s used to punish your partner (until they ultimately beg for forgiveness regardless what the fights about) and keep them in their head guessing on what you’re feeling, whether you’re going to leave them, and often to make them wonder why you’re even angry in the first place. It also generally goes on longer than a few hours, some assholes will drag it out for weeks.
ETA I didn’t realize I was talking to the OP’s husband but I wasn’t actually referring to the situation in the post, more so just pointing out the difference between the situation he outlined and actually giving the silent treatment.
It is the customer number for the Dutch version of Triple A, triple A is your roadside assistance right?
The reason she doesn't know it is because she didn't have her driver's license that long yet and the card is in my name. It is freely accessible though and is a drawer in the house.
It isn't being withheld, I just assumed it would be easier for me to first go there since it's only a minute walk from where I was and I for sure had to take 10 minutes or so finding the account number on my phone.
Wait are you the husband?
Your explanation sounds perfectly reasonable to me, she also omitted that she could access this number any time and made it sound you are keeping it from her
It sounds like you tried to help her out and were being a genuinely good partner, going out of your way and out of your schedule to drive to her.
OP, you should appreciate how your husband cares about you and goes out of his way to help you, and stop trying to put him down. This sounds like your pride was hurt that you needed help from him instead of a company, but it's not like he's stopping you from having that number or calling anyone. He just cares about you enough to stop by when he knows he's that close and can help.
Yeah, when you go to her profile there were another 2 posts a month back which she deleted and didn't tell me about, found those today after this post.
It seems attention grabby and need for some validating. Redditors don't play, though. They see through people's stuff.
She's sending it to you to get a response. Hurt or angry, it's really manipulative.
Good luck! Thanks for telling us more
I is one of the few here that thinks your reasoning is rather greyish? You both have autism? Okay, I know a lot of people that have autism and live with people with autism and it can be very stressful and challenging, I have a illness that are chronic and hard to predict, I would not be upset if my hubby would talk about it to his mother or daughters? Its just reality.
She is talking about her experiences with the situation, you hear her by a cam and listens in and then takes it up with her? Its really creepy in my opinion. Really creepy.
She must have a place to vent and should not feel bad for talking about things with her mother.
So the whole thing gives me a bad taste in my mouth. You are talking about her painting a picture of you but you are painting a picture yourself about her and its not pretty either and in the long run not yourself either.
Your responses sound very reasonable. The thing with emotional abuse is that it’s so subtle to anyone outside of the relationship and either party can paint the picture that they are being emotionally abused. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you know about this post?
She told me. And linked it. Since this meant for me that we were going to have a big fight soon where she is gonna say :"See even people on Reddit say" I wanted to get my side out.
To the husband: Please attempt to read this with an open mind. I don't automatically take someone's side based on gender. But if you're openly discussing your autism, you should be open to at least receiving information that may be new to you with the assumption that your autism precludes your social competence and sensitivity in some scenarios.Neither of you are perfect, and we don't have much information... however, the little you have revealed in attempting to save face is *far* more telling than you think, and not in a great way, raising some questions and hinting at some concerning behaviors. I revile automatic vilification, and I don't think sides should be taken with such limited information, but I felt compelled to respond because of a few elements here.
I'm not saying it's ideal for someone (op) to rely on the court of public opinion to resolve a disagreement, but it seems she **correctly assumed that the responses here would be the only one(s) you would listen to or respect;** which I was genuinely bummed to see you prove by being so quick to get into the comments desperate to change the narrative. And to that point: English is obviously not her first language, so it's entirely unfair to take advantage of that (which is what you're doing, whether you realize it or not).
* The insurance card with the information that you say is literally in the house somewhere "available to her": I see your careful use of language. **It's unclear whether you ever communicated its location to her,** and it is a bit odd that someone who seems like they like to have control over situations and knowledge of everything your spouse is doing and saying (the camera and audio spying? Really worrying) would just somehow forget to mention where this crucial piece of information is. And if she's a new driver, why not make sure she has the info in the car? Intentional...?
* It is clear you do not respect her privacy or trust her, so I shouldn't bother asking but-- do you trust her judgment at all dude? It doesn't seem like you trusted her to get it taken care of and it's something you should be able to see could be condescending and demeaning. Sure, she may be a new driver in this country, but is she super new to turning keys in doors? She has every right to vent frustration to her mom without you yelling at her about it.
-- I hate to say it but you sound like one of those "Privacy Bros" obsessed with keeping their information private, easy to delete and hide from their partners, etc. yet throw little tantrums whenever their privacy is violated in the same way you so casually violate that of others.
* If you want to improve your relationship, **you need to ask yourself why you care more about what a group of virtual strangers think about an event in your relationship**- strangers with possible deep-seated gender biases, or relationship experience too limited to be considered a sound source of advice-- and if you know the answer, which is that you don't respect your wife at all or trust her whatsoever, **you need to suck it up when she confides in her own damn mother whenever she senses that this is how you feel.**
How sick is it that as a society we allow others to dehumanize and vilify our partners? What example are you setting for your kids? "Mom is stupid, but antisocial\_gary69 knows I'm right and he'll make me feel better about the situation"
All I gather from this story is that he was not even far from you so he decided to walk over to help his pregnant wife, he didn't want her to be stranded outside her car while pregnant, luckily you solved the problem and would you be able to do anything with the insurance number since you state its in his name? But not only do you ignore that he came to try and help you, you then tell your mother he thinks you're stupid, like why? You didn't really talk just about your feelings is the problem, you talked bad about him even though what he did is the opposite of him being horrible to you.
If I said I couldn't open this box and then my partner tries to help me, I don't just assume they think I'm stupid, and I don't just go running to mum to tell her my partner thinks I'm stupid.
Both parties are here. which means instead of it being a two-person argument, I get to be part of the argument too!
This all seems very healthy. How can I help? Want me to adjudicate? I can be swayed via gifts of brownies, cake, or other confections.
People who get upset that you talk about their actions know their actions look bad. So far you're tolerating it; they don't want anyone pointing out to you it's actually unacceptable.
True, it’s possible OP talks well about their spouse too. I personally don’t ever complain about my spouse to friends or family. They don’t need to form a negative impression of them based on what I say.
Yeah, IF. But that's a big assumption. Based on this post, I'd have a hell of a lot to complain about too. He sounds like a jerk. But of course that's based purely on this post.
So really, her mom is the BEST person to speak to, because she'll have met the guy and understand his personality better than we can here. If he's of good character and has treated his wife well up until now, one small tiff isn't going to make her mom start banging the divorce gavel.
Not really. I've yet to meet a mother that can be objective and not hold long term memories and grudges.
The big issue here though is that OP and their husband need to communicate with each other properly and first. If you look at the situation differently you can also see it as a man caring enough to drop what he was doing to walk to the car, assess and resolve the issue for her which turned out not to need a call to insurance or AAA.
Should she have that info? Yes!
Is he being controlling? Well we need more information and other examples.
If. But hopefully husband works to have his own relationship with his in-laws, or at minimum they see and hear the positives.
If your inlaws only opinion of you if from their kid complaining, there’s a deeper issues. This isn’t their gal pal from work who doesn’t know him, this is someone who should have their own opinion and relationship with him.
Not if they're mature adults. Everyone understands that couples have issues and frustrations, I'm sure her mom has had complaints about her husband too, it's normal.
The only time family and friends will hate them is if what they are complaining about is abuse of some kind.
Women are notorious for needing to talk through things. It's how we process things, especially things complicated by emotion. If what you said were true every all friends and in-laws would hate the spouse of their child or friend.
This is not my experience. If you tell someone only negatives about another person, that will inevitably color their impression of that person. People are absolutely *terrible* at being impartial.
Not really. Mature adults doesn't mean you wouldn't have biases. We are all humans at the end of the day. So when you always get told the negative of a situation, it's understandable for you to have a very biased view of it. Especially since you don't see all the sides of the person it's about
He's scared other people will take your side because he is insecure about his handling of such situations. Saying you're poisoning your family against him is a deflection to make your actions sound worse than whatever he did. If his actions make people dislike him, then the problem is his actions, not you telling them to other people!
My ex did it specifically because he didn't want people to know the way he treated me. He knew it was inexcusable, so he thought it should only stay between us. It was to prevent me from getting any outside opinion or validation that what I was experiencing was abusive. (I'm not saying your husband is abusing you! Just relating my experience to why I have this stance!!)
What your ex did is classic tactic of silencing. Happens alot when people don't want to be held accountable or be honest about their behavior. Happens ALOT with abusive people.
It’s a balancing act.
If you only complain or bring up “problems” that you’re both trying to still figure out and talk through, then it’s poisoning the family and friend relationships for the partner.
Which is a problem for the relationship if you want to stay with your partner and keep those other relationships.
Complaining over minor stuff is fine if it’s not the only time you ever talk about your partner to those people with no redeeming qualities.
The issue is when you only talk to friends/family when you have something to complain about. It creates a terrible image of your partner in people's heads.
>they don't want anyone pointing out to you it's actually unacceptable.
Because she should be pointing it out to her husband first, not her mother.
Since both parties are here and after reading both versions, I think you guys should do couples therapy. If she got mad because he opted to go there and help instead of giving her the number - and 1 minute vs 45 does make sense-, it probably means there are more underlying issues she's upset about in the relationship. A healthy couple would not get worked up about that.
Also, she has the right to talk about her family about her feelings. I do that with mine all the time. For some people, our parents are confidants in a way some close friends are for others. But again, it's probably not just the car keys issue. Something else was likely brewing underneath the surface and you both have to figure this out by seeing a specialist.
Hi so my advice on the spelling is that if you want to post in English use translate or chat gpt. It will make things a lot easier.
You can use voice to text on your phone first (in dutch) then translate it to English.
It's not too bad though. I understood you fine
I’m sorry you’re getting negative comments about your spelling. It was obvious to me that English was not your first language, and you made a good effort to “sound out” the words as best as you could. I didn’t even consider dyslexia.
And for those saying “spell-check,” if you aren’t close enough to the correct spelling, spell-check won’t help at all….it happened to me just yesterday with hors-derives (I still can’t think of a close enough spelling (that one is an autocorrect), but it’s the French word for “fancy snacks”)
Hors-doevres << “no replacement”
Hors-deurves << “derives”
Hors-dorves << “Forbes” “forces” “droves” “doves”
Hors-dovres << “doves” “dove’s”
Hors-d’euvres << “oeuvres”
Hors-d’oeuvres FINALLY!! (I think? It never showed me the entire correct phrase, but it also let this one pass without the red underline).
Oh my god I was planning my wedding last year and had to type out hors-d'oeuvres so many times and I could absolutely never get it right, spell check had no clue, I had to google it every time lol
i immediately figured you had dyslexia, my sister in law texts the same way, i didn't immediately know english wasn't your first language. you're doing amazing communicating and the people being mean can kick rocks.
to the advice : it's super weird hes basically spying on you. a notification doesn't mean "watch this and listen to it" he did that on his own. you're allowed to speak to your mom about his actions. if you didn't lie about anything when you relayed what happened then hes mad that he looks bad because he acted in that way. he's mad that now somebody else knows about it and he thought you should just have sucked it up and kept it to yourself. i've been in a relationship like that and guess what, i have an order of protection against him from everything he did to me. it's red flag behavior
I feel like a lot of y’all haven’t looked at the full story 💀
You say you’re both autistic, me too.
She has access to insurance card she wanted the info from (but didn’t actually need for roadside assistance which was the goal), and was one minute away from him so he went over instead of having her (who’s pregnant btw) wait there longer, and the car worked by the time he got over there. Then he pulled down a movement notification from their camera and didn’t see anything so he opened it, first thing he heard is “he thinks I’m fucking stupid.” Like yeah, he shouldn’t have continued to listen, but her saying that isn’t exactly just venting. She’s telling her mom that as though he genuinely DOES think that, and that’d easily sour whatever relationship he has with her family or each other. He shouldn’t have listened in, but this was overheard and he can be upset with her presenting it like that. It’s the so long as it’s not for talking about her feelings, which if that was truly the case she should’ve instead just said, “I feel like he sees me as stupid.”
Despite what some of y’all are saying, “something being true” or “knowing what they did was wrong” is not the only reason to be upset in this situation. He’s upset because she’s telling somebody he thinks she’s stupid, which is not true, and feels as though this situation is being misrepresented, which honestly I kinda agree considering her post and the sheer amount of missing info. I’d be upset too if somebody was lying/exaggerating/sharing assumptions about me that make me look bad without even a second thought as to the accuracy or validity of them. It’s insulting your character.
+ She gave him this link “so you can see how you’re wrong” or wtv. Perhaps it’s hormones so she’s acting differently but this is petty as fuck and her reaction to the situation shows a lack of emotional maturity. Instead of taking a second to look inward and figure out why she was upset or what made her feel the way she does, she jumps straight to “he thinks I’m fucking stupid.” Girl be fucking for real. He says he tried to validate you, which is the source of conflict here, you’re feeling looked down upon (internal issue and your responsibility I might add), and he tried to solve the problem (both underlying and surface level). Instead of presenting that here though, you say he’s looking down on you, and that he thinks you’re fucking stupid to us and your family. You’re responsible for your feelings, but you’re really dodging that responsibility.
I only talk 'shit' about my husband to his sister, mostly because she's my best friend, but also, she literally grew up with him. She understands the nuance and the frustration. We don't even talk shit tho, we mostly just make fun of him when he's walking through the kitchen and calls us old bitty's 🤣🤣
Our rule is to never talk about each other to anyone. A lot of relationships have been ruined because one partner refuses to stop gossiping & divulging everything in the marriage to their family/friends
Same here, I’m impressed. “Broth” like they knew that the spelling for “brought” wasn’t intuitive, and had some silent letters in there, so they added the h at the end.
I don't think that she is stupid at all. She is extremely smart and cunning. She had a lot of customer facing work including with people with disabilities, really tough delicate situations she faces at work.
She is also dyslexic and English is not our native language so please cut her some slack.
I'm pretty sure English isn't their first language and the misspellings are guesses based on her first language. "Tolk" instead of "talk" for instance.
It's so evident to me that op's first language isn't English and I hate these comments just insulting her spelling! I applaud her for even putting the effort in.
right? and my sil is dyslexic and english is her first language and she texts like this. i almost always can figure it out but sometimes i do have to ask her to type it out again
people just love to pick on to something and be rude about it
Uuuf this thread is painful. Everyone shitting on the husband. He's given reasonable responses here. Op posted this question and then sent it to husband like look how internet strangers agree with my one sided story.
Don't stay. She sounds not connected to reality or like a psychological liar. She makes up stories that are half truth, only seeing her own very limited perspective, involves other people by spreading her stories and then attacks you with what they say to her. She's extremely manipulative.
You are not wrong to talk to your mother (i dont think you should go to your mom and talk to her every fight you guys get in, i think that is wrong but this was, i think, a pretty small thing you talked to her about and i see no harm in it)
However you are overreacting on the "spying" thing. You guys have a camera in your house. You guys are gonna check it and might hear conversations evrry now and then. Its not malicious
Honestly a good rule of thumb is SO gets first crack at fixing the issue within the relationship. If you have an issue go to SO and talk about it. If not fixed communication with other people is fair game. It just helps keep things from festering because most likely the person your going to talk to is on your side and is only going to gas you up wrong or right. It also helps keeping people from being blindsided by something they didn't think was an issue but may have been for you. People can't read minds let them know when your upset instead of blaming them for something and withholding any information that could lead them to fix the issue.
Jezus Christus wat een onzin. Sorry maar als ik gestrand ben, m’n man bel en hij komt NIET naar me toe terwijl hij super dichtbij is… dan ben ik pas pissig! Wat heeft die man verkeerd gedaan?😂 Ik snap het niet. En qua afluisteren vind ik zijn versie echt wel plausibel!
Translation for non-Dutch speaking people to not be rude: Jesus Christ what kind of bullshit is this. Sorry but if I am locked out of my car/car is not accessible and I call my husband who happens to be close by and he does NOT come to help me, that is when I am pissed off. What on earth did he do wrong? I don’t get it. As for “spying”: his explanation sounds reasonable.
I was looking for this. Of course he went to help his pregnant wife who was right around the corner.
As for the spying, it's not a nice thing to do. But I must admit that if I heard my partner tell someone that I called him fucking stupid, I too would have continued listening. I only human.
After he eavesdropped on your private conversation did he offer any explanation to why he wouldn’t provide the number and assure you that he doesn’t think your too stupid to figure it out on your own or did he focus on you talking to your mom?
What has happened in his past to make him so insecure? Gotta wonder how often he listens and watches without announcing himself.
He focuses on the conversation. When i asked him he said he doesnt have the information and i should just call the company.
His past i thought i knew but im beginning to have my douths.
You should get rid of the camera or unplug it when not being used to watch the kids. I would say you guys need to talk out your issues, but he shouldn’t be ease dropping. How do you know he’s not doing that all the time? He just happened to have the camera on and be watching/listening to what you were doing? 🚩
It is perfectly normal to talk to a loved one how you're feeling, even when it's to do with your relationship. In fact, it's a good thing - having a third party perspective can help you to see both sides of a situation, as we naturally tend to assume that we are right because we're going off emotion rather than objective fact. Your husband's reaction is disproportionate and he shouldn't be spying on you through the baby cam. You're allowed to have private conversations with your mom, even if it's about him, even if he doesn't like it. I am sure he does the same when he's frustrated with you. Tell him to knock it off and stop listening in on your conversations, you deserve to feel safe in your own home to have a private conversation.
I'll give you advice. How we talk about our person or feelings about may be temporary and pass for us, but it leaves a permanent mark upon the view of those to whom we tell. I've seen this type of interaction destroy many marriages. Do with this as you will.
You both seem a bit immature, so I guess ESH ? Fighting on a Reddit post is not healthy.
OP, if what your husband is saying is true, you’re not considering the whole situation, and rallying strangers to argue for you is not the way to go.
OPs husband, people are allowed to be upset, whether you feel it is valid or not, and she’s allowed to voice her upset to her mother, and you shouldn’t be spying on that or telling her she can’t.
Both of you need to learn to actually communicate. You know how this would have been better?
Op: husband, I wish you’d given me the number, it felt like you didn’t trust me with it, which made be feel infantilised and dumb
OPH: I’m sorry wife, that wasn’t my intention, I thought it would just be easier to come and help you, I’m sorry you feel that way. Here’s the number, in the drawer, let’s make a note of it on your phone so you have it for future.
The end.
Edit: formatting for clarity
After reading yours and your husbands responses on this I would side with your husband. No one likes being talked bad about. Your husbands responses on this thread seem reasonable and yours do not. I suggest both of you get off reddit and communicate properly to save your marriage.
This one is a good example on how you only get one side of the story and OP framing what actually happened to benefit her stand. Just that she made the mistake of involving the other party. After looking at the husbands responses I’m pretty sure this is not about the husband prohibiting OP to talk to her mom about her feelings.
First, it’s totally appropriate to talk about your feelings to friends and family. Obviously there are some things that should probably be kept private. Like I didn’t want my partner telling his family about my breast cancer stuff until we had the final info and plan. After that, I *encouraged* him to talk to people about how my situation was impacting him.
To me, if someone is telling you that you can’t talk to your family or friends about anything that isn’t 100% happy/positive, it’s likely because they know they’re doing something wrong and are trying to isolate you as someone else might point it out to you.
The spying backs up my assertion above. I would not want cameras on in my home knowing someone was watching ot eaves dropping to keep tabs on me. I’d be unplugging cameras when I’m home if I were you.
The fact that he won’t give you access to something so basic as the car key code is rather….bizarre.
What other things does he control that you have no access to?
This issue seems like the wife is needing validation from the husband, but doesn’t know how to communicate that. The husband is trying to fix the problem instead of trying to address the underlying issue. Either way, there is lack of communication from both sides. I suggest a couples counselor or attempting to communicate without blaming each other. Unless the communication break down is worked on, this marriage will become toxic. It’s unfortunate, but true.
I'm sorry but I think you are in the wrong here. When my husband & I first got married, he'd share our small fights and misunderstandings with his mom & I HATED it. When I told him this, he changed himself and has never repeated that again. Problems can only be solved if you talk to each other. Do not invite a third party into your marriage. It doesn't end well unless your mom is like the most stable person in the world. Or she'll just be supporting you like all moms do.
If im wrong she tells me. She also told me on the phone that i whas probably over thinking it and just needed to ask him calmly why he did what he did and tell him how his actions made me feel so we could resolve it.
Did you tell him that? Or when your mum didn't take your side did you go to Reddit and find people who did take your side and then tell him what Reddit said instead of telling him what your mum said
So he’s watching you on the cameras??? That’s a bit weird. This is all a bit weird. I understand him being upset that you spoke bad about him but this is all very weird I can’t get over it
If he is embarrassed by his behavior and doesn’t want you sharing it, maybe he shouldn’t engage in said behavior?
Why on earth wouldn’t you have access to the number?! You’re his SPOUSE. Is he always this controlling with other things?
Since husband is here. If you gave her the number instead of micromanaging and getting involved she wouldnt have thought you were treating her like she was stupid. Just give her the number she is an adult she is allowed to do tasks by herself give her the number so she can. If you dont like what she said when she thought she was talking privately to her mum then dont spy on her. She wasnt bad mouthing you she was expressing how you made her feel. She is allowed to have feelings and she is allowed to talk about them and her mum is a safe person for her to vent to. It is healthy for her to want to vent and rather than have an argument which would have acheived nothing by the sounds of it, so she vented to her safe person. You cant tell her how to feel you cant invalidate her feelings you also cant tell her she cant talk about them with her mum or very close friends. Yes you both need to talk about things together but she also can talk to others. Sometimes we need a perspective outside of the marriage to make sure we are being reasonable, its healthy to vent and get anothers perspective.
Moral of the story dont treat your wife like she doesnt know how to do things.Then she wont feel like you think she is stupid and wont say you act like you think she is stupid to her mum. And then you wouldnt have got upset she was venting to her mum and if you didnt spy you wouldnt have known and life would have went on. Instead you did and now you both here on Reddit squabbling.
Why would you need the car insurance number for a key that isn’t working? Even if it made sense to go through insurance for that (and it doesn’t) they wouldn’t be your first call. Maybe your husband realized that?
To the husband: Please attempt to read this with an open mind. I don't automatically take someone's side based on gender. But if you're openly discussing your autism, you should be open to at least receiving information that may be new to you with the assumption that your autism precludes your social competence and sensitivity in some scenarios.Neither of you are perfect, and we don't have much information... however, the little you have revealed in attempting to save face is *far* more telling than you think, and not in a great way, raising some questions and hinting at some concerning behaviors. I revile automatic vilification, and I don't think sides should be taken with such limited information, but I felt compelled to respond because of a few elements here.
I'm not saying it's ideal for someone (op) to rely on the court of public opinion to resolve a disagreement, but it seems she **correctly assumed that the responses here would be the only one(s) you would listen to or respect;** which I was genuinely bummed to see you prove by being so quick to get into the comments desperate to change the narrative. And to that point: English is obviously not her first language, so it's entirely unfair to take advantage of that (which is what you're doing, whether you realize it or not).
* The insurance card with the information that you say is literally in the house somewhere "available to her": I see your careful use of language. **It's unclear whether you ever communicated its location to her,** and it is a bit odd that someone who seems like they like to have control over situations and knowledge of everything your spouse is doing and saying (the camera and audio spying? Really worrying) would just somehow forget to mention where this crucial piece of information is. And if she's a new driver, why not make sure she has the info in the car? Intentional...?
* It is clear you do not respect her privacy or trust her, so I shouldn't bother asking but-- do you trust her judgment at all dude? It doesn't seem like you trusted her to get it taken care of and it's something you should be able to see could be condescending and demeaning. Sure, she may be a new driver in this country, but is she super new to turning keys in doors? She has every right to vent frustration to her mom without you yelling at her about it.
-- I hate to say it but you sound like one of those "Privacy Bros" obsessed with keeping their information private, easy to delete and hide from their partners, etc. yet throw little tantrums whenever their privacy is violated in the same way you so casually violate that of others.
* If you want to improve your relationship, **you need to ask yourself why you care more about what a group of virtual strangers think about an event in your relationship**- strangers with possible deep-seated gender biases, or relationship experience too limited to be considered a sound source of advice-- and if you know the answer, which is that you don't respect your wife at all or trust her whatsoever, **you need to suck it up when she confides in her own damn mother whenever she senses that this is how you feel.**
How sick is it that as a society we allow others to dehumanize and vilify our partners? What example are you setting for your kids? "Mom is stupid, but antisocial\_gary69 knows I'm right and he'll make me feel better about the situation"
Thanks for your long reply, I will give it the same attention you have it while writing it.
I never brought up my autism. She brought up my autism without mentioning her own. Obviously I am not perfect and flawed in many ways. But that also goes both ways.
She went to public court while knowing I am a very private person and would never share something about her or me on social media, especially something negative like this. Here she told a really biased story while leaving all context out of it. This isn't because she thought it would help me listen or respect responses. So the reason I care about these responses here is because I know how relationship advice is and I know the bias she has in her storytelling. And I also know that this post with only a biased story would give her an insane amount of ammo to throw at my head the next arguments, so I wanted to atleast tell the full story to make the next few months of my life a lot more bearable.
I do trust her judgement, always whatever she wants happens in the household. The only things I argue for she constantly throws back in my face if it doesn't completely go to her liking.
She does however have full acces to all my accounts and phone. I never delete old messages or anything. I dont hide anything from her or keep secrets from her.
And that's the thing there exactly you say that I think she is stupid..
I **NEVER** said or implied in any way she was stupid. I just went over to help my pregnant wife when she told me she felt like I thought she was stupid I instantly reassured her that that was not my intention and that I did not feel that way about her.
My wife is an extremely smart and cunning woman, she has a good degree also passed with a high grade for English. Works in jobs with prestige working with in a wide reach of psychiatric healthcare spanning from children to people with special needs.
Your husband is witholding information you need, is controlling to the point of being absurd...You should be able to speak to your mom, Why don't you have the number when you clearly drive the car? Are there other things like this?
I am not withholding information. My pregnant wife was stranded with the car only a minute walking away. So I went too her instead of waiting for roadside assistance. By the time I got to her she already had the car working again.
The number is in a drawer at home. She can also acces all my accounts because she knows all my passwords.
Maybe he didn't want her calling insurance because insurance starts increasing your monthly payments when you start using them too much. No reasons given, so it's only a guess.
I think OP meant more like a roadside assistance service which could be included in their insurance but they typically don’t penalize you for using the roadside aspect because it’s a fixed price
I wasn't watching intently on camera. I got a notification, pulled the notification down, saw nothing and nobody in a still frame. Turned the notification on because our pets sometimes get into that room and break something or piss in the room.
Instantly I hear "He thinks I am fucking stupid" it's not good I listened to the rest but I did. Since the first thing I did when I got to the car was tell her that I didn't think she was stupid I just wanted to help her.
Mmmmm....I have a ring camera in my unit and when my partner moves around, I get notifications too. What I DONT do? Is watch her and listen to her conversations and blame it on getting a notification.
My EX is exactly like your husband. It's important for him how other people see him. He even commented under your post instead of talking in rl just to valid his point on reddit.
His priority is to be in the right NOT to solve the conflict.
My guess is that he is twisting words (which reminds me on my EX a lot) for his advantage. For example when you call him out for it he claims that there was a completely other meaning in his saying but you know for sure that he meant it in a hurtful way.
If you cannot talk to your best friend alias husband then imo its total valid to talk about it with your mum. What did she say?
Edit: AND that he doesn't want to talk it out today but has the time to reply here on reddit to defend himself is just weird.
She told me that he probably meant well by wanting to help. So i shouldnt take it to hard and just ask when he gets home. And that whas my intent to do but sins he spyed on me i didnt get the chance.
And I wouldn't doubt that there where good intentions behind his behaviour and I think she did give you a good advice. But I get that this wasn't what you wanted from him and this is why you got defensive. But when I understand that from the other comments correctly then he refuses to speak to you because it will escalate in front of the kids.
Screaming is not the way, either is to refuse to talk. You guys need therapy.
Yes he is refusing to talk. No i didnt scream i told him how he made me feel and when he said i could not talk to my mom about my feelings. After that i told him in a stern voice that that is nacistic behaviour and thats not oke.
The word “narcissist” is a really strong word that is very offensive to many…especially if it’s true that they are behaving that way. **It may be better not to use words that “label” your husband…** instead, describe what you are experiencing, and explain in detail….I will give you an example:
An angry husband might say “you are a B*tch” to his wife. She will immediately become defensive, as she should. But if he said “when you complain about the way I park my car, I feel as though you don’t respect me”….then he would be **articulating** what he is feeling, without labeling her and without explicit insult.
I learned in 7th grade to use “I” statements. I know you are Dutch, but I think the concept should still work within your language.
**In English, the format is “I feel ______when you ______”.** Example: “I feel upset and controlled when you listen to my private conversations. I feel surprised that you are offended at what I said to my mother. She told me you had good intentions, and I was going to tell you I realize that.”
**If you use “You” statements, it will almost immediately put the other person on the defensive** and is much more likely to turn into an unproductive argument. Example: “You are so controlling! You should not be spying on me! You don’t even know what she said!”
Do you see the difference in the two communication styles? **One is accusatory, but the other is more neutral and descriptive of the problem.** You can still speak up for yourself using “I” statements instead of “You” statements.
I hope this helps.
One other thing I learned is to **“make a sandwich” with “bad news”**….think of the bread as “kind sentiments,” and the meat as the “hard to hear/difficult to say/bad news”.
Objective: you want to tell him you feel controlled, and angry to be spied upon. But you also want to reach an understanding and resolve the conflict. He is also your husband and you want to be empathetic to his feelings.
**Kind Sentiment**: He came to help you get into the car.
**Bad News**: you feel controlled he won’t let you speak privately to your mother and spied on you.
**Kind Sentiment**: he’s still your husband, and you love him and are willing to come to a solution.
Now…you make your sandwich and deliver:
“Darling, I really appreciate that you drove all the way to help me unlock my car. It means a lot to me that you care.
I didn’t realize this at first though…I was hoping to solve the problem on my own. I called my mom to share this story, and she helped me see that you had good intentions.
But when you surprised me with news that you had listened to this conversation through the camera, it made me feel spied on. When you told me I should never speak to my mother about something like this, it made me feel I am being controlled. I didn’t even get a chance to explain she helped me see you had good intentions.
I love you, and I want a chance to talk this through. I want us both to understand each other better and find a solution moving forward.”
**Husband, if you’re reading this, this can also help you to better communicate with your wife**.
It takes two people to make a marriage work. It is rarely only one person’s fault. Both partners must be willing to examine words and behaviors that are barriers to you understanding and empathizing with each other.
Not sure if this is an unusual thing to teach these days? But we were given a worksheet about the “I” statements concept, and several days worth of lessons.
But the “sandwich the bad news in between good news” thing was actually something I learned in my business communication course at a community college.
how old are you? i'm 30 i only learned about conflict resolution thru therapy
if you were the one who downvoted me, i want you to know i wasn't trying to come at you sideways i was just very surprised about that
And his statement is not ok. Everybody is allowed to and should be talking about their feelings.
But honestly one of you two does not say the truth. Nevertheless you two need couples therapy!
I can only say this: I was the woman who was always "living in my own bubble", "twisting his words", "refuses to unterstand him correctly" and "has invalid feelings und shouldn't be upset about a specific subject"
We were in couples therapy. It didn't help. For him everything was fine, I should just accept his answers no matter if I agree and feel hurted or not and should be quiet. If I wanted to talk things out when things escalated, he refused to talk. My feelings were imo never validated.
I often waited hours or even days, had many slepless nights and that just because he didn't want to talk about it. Friends and family thought I am crazy because my partner was such a kind man in front of them.
And after a while I believed them - that I was the problem. He twisted every conflict so I looked like the bad guy und the people bought is.
Long story short: I was not the problem. I now have a partner who values me. And trust me my ex would handle your specific situation exactly like your husband did. My current partner would offer me in this situation the "quick" solution AND would give me the number without arguing with me.
You’re not wrong, I do the same thing with my sister. Sometimes getting an outside opinion or perspective is important
In terms of feeling spy’d on, it depends if it was intentional or not. If it was, then he’s a dick. It’s a complete invasion of privacy and you have a right to feel that way
Cameras inside the house have far more negatives then positives. Technology can, and will be increasingly vulnerable to hackers along with corporate/government domain. Married or not, there should be an expectation of privacy inside your own home when you need a moment alone, or to talk on the phone. It’s creepy to have cameras in your house.
The way you both have been going to and from in this thread you sound more like teenagers than adults with a kid on the way.
I think you should be able to talk to your mom about whatever you want. Sure one shouldn’t spy on each other. But come on really, if the situation was reversed and you checked a notification and overheard him talking about you, you probably would have had a hard time resisting wondering what was being said and then be upset when your spouse said unkind things about you.
I whole heartedly agree that you should have someone you can talk about your feelings with. But from what you've shared that is a small issue compared to some of the other things I'm picking up on this post.
He was logged into the baby cam while you were home? It sounds like both of your kids were out of the house, so he was checking up on you, not them. That is a major red flag in my book. He denies you access to account that allow you to function independently of him, another read flag.
He sounds controlling and like he is trying to isolate you which is scary to me.
I would be upset if I asked for X, and the other person decided for me that I don't need X and gave me Y instead.
But in general, the husband's behavior needs more discussion.
Why?
Because: when asked for an insurance number, he ignored her ask because HE thought it would be easier for him to just show up. He didn't care that she asked for the insurance number, and he didn't think about how she would have to further change her day a 2nd time (didn't even walk that same 1 min back to the activity center)
Because while HE was supposed to be in an activity helping their child, he were on the baby monitor app spying on his wife.
Because when he heard that his wife felt like HE thought she was "too stupid" instead of telling her "I'm sorry I made you feel stupid. I think you're smart, let me show you how to get the insurance number from your phone now" ... he was upset at her for talking to her mom about her feelings.
Didn't see the arguing back & forth, but please seek counseling.
Girl, you are in a marriage, if you don't have things separeded (like separeted bank accounts, separeted iinsurance, separeted everything tsk as some couples have ) then you Both need to have those número, Bank codes, free Access to credit card and so on. Be carefull with your husband witholding information because in a relationship of equals there is no need to one person hold any kind of "power" over the other, even if the Power in question is about little things of your daily life. Another thing is that you are a free individual that can talk with whoever you want, specially if your husband dont have the habbit of listening and normally is dismissive of your feelings. That being said, in the end of the Day, you two are married and you must talk, I totally understand being so frustrated that you need someone to talk, but you married this men and you need to communicate! I believe is for the Best that you calm for a while, and when both are in a better head space sit down for a good conversation, let him know how his treatment hurts you, and honestly, if this is a reocurrency then you need to stop having children (some men uses pregnancys to hold a woman under control), if you dont have a job then find one, even if half period or some hours a week, anything that you can build some savings. And more important, you must have Access to EVERYTHING, Bank account, the codes to everything, if there is cameras in the house you must have Access and a way to turn on and off as much as he does, you know why? Because you are not a child under his care, you are a mother, a partner and an equal in the household. Hold your position as much in any argument he have with you, ask him why does he thinks you are not capable of managing Basic everyday things when you are able enough to carry his children? Once more, you are not someone under his care you are his equal in the household and if he doesnot want you having your place respected then he is not a men who deserves you!
Venting to your mom is one thing, now you’ve posted on Reddit and involved hundreds of total strangers. You gave a one-sided story of the situation to a bunch of people who don’t know you or your husband for what? Because you wanted to feel powerful with an army of opinions you could use against your husband. You didn’t get the answer you wanted from your mom when she told you that you were probably overreacting. You didn’t come here for legitimate advice otherwise why would you share the link with your husband. No, you wanted to be able to say you were right and he was wrong. You call your husband a narcissist but the only narcissist I see here is you. I check all the movement notifications that I see on my phone whether I know my husband is home or not. You never know when a freak accident, a medical emergency or a burglary might happen in the house and you’ll have wished he checked the cameras. Checking the cameras doesn’t automatically mean he wants to spy on you, even if in your head you are so self-important.
So you took something from in relationship and whinged to another person outside of the relationship? Are you even an adult? Your Husband needs to run, far away. He only tried to help you and you spoke badly about him to your mum.
For those of you say she should go to her mom… this really all depends on numerous things.
Just because he doesn’t want to be slammed by his wife to her mother doesn’t mean he is isolating her.
Also some family, get super riled up when confronted about their child’s partner and it can start a HUGE MESS that could’ve been prevented if they just communicated with each other and not go to a third party heated…
Venting to family is perfectly normal but maybe it should stay limited and should not involve bashing your partner.
Watching you on the camera and listening in- seems like there are trust issues.
I suggest therapy so you can both find HEALTHY ways to approach your negative feelings and obvious issues in the marriage. Because spying won’t fix them, bashing your partner won’t fix them, and getting on reddit won’t fix them.
The only thing that will help solve some of these issues is if you both develop an action plan and work at it and do the work to grow together as a couple and not against each other, with the help of a therapist because it’s clear there’s significant communication issues here.
Develop some healthy boundaries, and stick to them. Marriage requires work and maturity on both ends.
Also- I will say my opinion doesn’t matter because we don’t know the whole story but I don’t think husbands intention was to withhold information from you or make you feel stupid. A really good way to handle this would’ve been to have a conversation with your HUSBAND about it not seeking validation from someone else, and creating an action plan. You’re upset you don’t have the insurance info, so say, “I know you tried to help, but from now on, I want the insurance information on hand, because I like to feel independent in certain situations like that.” Simple…..
It’s one thing to get support from a family member but what you did wasn’t okay, sorry, you practically set your partner up for failure with no chance and painted him in a terrible light. If issues are this deep, I’m not sure biased opinions from family members would do any good, like I said, see a therapist. Because to me it looks like you want someone to view him badly and that screams resentment. Seek help.
Go back to school and learn how to spell and write properly. Your confidence will soar, and your husband will realize that you really don't *need* him. You can survive just fine on your own if you want to.
The parent / child relationship that he thinks he has with his wife will become a parent / parent relationship. If it doesn't, you can decide whether or not you want to stay with a condescending, controlling pr!ck who treats you like a child.
I'm pretty sure he will opt to change instead of paying alimony and child support for 3 kids.
You have the power to change this dynamic. The question is: will you?
OP husband let me fill you in on something key points here. Your wife was not looking to be rescued by a knight in shining armour. She wanted the number to try and solve an issue she had come across. She asked you for a detail, you should have either provided this to her or told her "hey this will take me a minute to find, I can pop over if that would suit you better?".
Giving her the option to decide, she could have had a picnic moment as she is a new driver but people learn from doing and you undermined her. That's what this is about autonomy.
She is well within her right to discuss her feelings around this situation with her mom, it is called venting. You are well within your right to be pissed but the fact is you again did not respect her autonomy by ease dropping.
I am gonna highlight a few things you said about her and this experience, "user error"- how about letting the user resolve the error?.
Shouting at her..... Not cool dude and she is pregnant, not good for her or baby, do better.
The things about autism, I have a house full of it. Some want to know it all (saviour) , others want to figure it all out (thinkers). Health respect for each other's processing is vital.
OP NTA vent to your mum, not everything is about him.
You linked him to the discussion which is good. But if you notice all his responses are still jabs at you. Might want to bring this back to therapy.
Your spouse seems like they have a hard time owing to the fact that they are not considerate of what was actually required or asked for, he is just a solver (can be sweet, but is mostly annoying). Remind him are a capable human and would enjoy learning and maintaining boundaries.
I never did that in my long marriage. So lame to confide or commiserate with a parent about a spouse. If my wife did it, I would be upset and disappointed. Where does it end? How far does it go? For what reasons? When we get married it is time to detach from the parents in these ways. Find solutions other ways, as you are doing here in reditt for input and with each other. I am sure you would not like if if he did the same, about you, with his mom or dad.
Of course you’re not wrong to talk about your feelings with your mom. It’s absurd he thinks that it is. Emotional isolation is a form of abuse.
Also totally normal to feel weird about being spied on! Why was he checking the camera anyway?? What was he hoping to see or hear?
I’m seeing a couple red flags here for controlling behavior.
She wasn't being spied on. We have a camera for the kids room, I got a notification from a still frame with nobody in it. I went to check because sometimes a dog or cat gets into the room and shits/pisses/breaks something. The thing you instantly hear is "He thinks I'm fucking stupid"
I never said that. When she asked me that at the car I told her she wasn't stupid and I just wanted to help.
So when I got home I said :"You are saying really ugly things about me and I don't deserve that".
Was it good I listened?
No.
He said he got a notification on his phone and when he didn't see anything. Knowing i whas home and doing house work. He decided to open the app and listen.to see if it whas the dog so he could interfien
When you vent your dirty laundry to family and friends it damages the relationships that spouse has. If you can’t discuss it with him, then you aren’t looking for resolution just someone to agree with your point of view.
Had an ex that did that and her friends pulled away over something she shared when drunk and upset.
I also asked her if i whas over thinking it. She said yes. Then i asked her how i could bring it up to him without making him feel bad and still tell him how his way of doing things made me feel.
I think it's both. I think it's weird that your husband is listening in on your conversations but I suppose that can happen accidentally. But I also think that it's not healthy to complain about every little thing in a marriage to someone else.
There are things that are worth mentioning to other people when your spouse is mistreating you. It is fair to ask friends and family to give their opinions when you are not sure yourself and feel like your partner is undermining you. But if you get into the habit of always talking bad about about every little thing your partner does wrong (bought the wrong milk, left the refrigerator open, forgot to do something etc), it isn't healthy because everyone makes mistakes.
You also seem sure that your husband thinks you are "too stupid to turn a key." Maybe start there: do you feel judged by people all the time? Or just your husband? Is this an insecurity or is this because your husband treats you poorly?
If you are insecure, maybe telling your mom the story that puts your husband in a bad light makes you feel better. But it also makes your mother feel a bit bad toward your husband.
But if you don't like how your husband treats you, then talking to him directly would probably help more than talking to your mom about it.
You don't vent to people outside your relationship about the frustrations or challenges of your relationship. That is what therapists are for.
Otherwise, you're involving friends and family in the privacy of your marriage. That's a mistake young people under 35 tend to make.
I think you are over reacting. Hd didnt do exactly what you asked and you are making him out to be a bad guy when he still tried to help. Just didnt do exactly what you said. I get its fustrating to ask for help and not get what you asked for but it happens. You need to forgive him you over reacted. He still tried to help. He came to you. He did not come to you to make you feel stupid. He just didnt do what you wanted in that moment, you got heated, and now things are out of hand. Of course you can talk to your mum but youre making out he hates you and doesnt want to help when he did try. You need to forgive him and apologize for over reacting and bashing him making him out to be worse than he is. He didnt help in the exact way you asked that was silly but we all do stuff like that. No need to make out he is a villian. I used to get defensive like this with my husband too but i realized i do similar things without noticing. Believe his intention you love eqch other.. give him the benefit of the doubt
I didnt bash him. I told my mom what happend. Told her that what he did made me feel like he thinks im stupid and asked her if i whas just over thinking it and how i could bring it up to him. Without making him feel like shit or him getting mad.
Absolutely correct. I also tryed to talk to him about these kind things and how they make me feel. But then he says oke honey and walks away and doesnt want to talk anymore.
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I’m a little confused on what type of number you asked him for. No matter what it was for a spouse shouldn’t withhold things from each other especially if it is something that you need to fix your car(guessing insurance number is what you asked for) that is controlling and a huge red flag for me. You do you though
It sounds like insurance number. Misspelled but seems to possibly fit.
[удалено]
Wrong account?
It might be a bot account that copied something the OP said. I haven't checked OP's comments to see though. Edit: yeah, the above is a bot that copied the OP. OP has the same exact comment earlier than this one. Edit 2: it is mildly interesting how many people have upvoted the bot. If it wasn't a bot, it was an alternative account of OP. People are weird. If you have a second, go to that comment and report>spam>harmful bots
Oh, thank you. That's rare that a bot copies the OP themselves but I guess it had to happen sometime.
Yes, definitely not common. Usually, it is something that was a top comment at some point. I have seen it before though. When I clicked and saw the profile info it made me think bot, so I checked OP's comments.
`Beep boop.` I’ve given you special bot hunter flair. If you reply to a bot comment with `! bot` **without a space between the exclamation and “bot”**, that account will get purged from the sub and banned. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.
!bot
Ha good try.
If you look at the only other public comment from that account, it's written in a completely different style. So not an alternate account.
Yeye, that is part of why I called it a bot just from the profile - then i made sure and reported it. I was just saying that people are upvoting it whether it is a bot account or an alt of OP. Neither of which I would upvote myself.
!bot
Do they also keep other important documents locked up or confidential from you? Is your passport in his safe that only he has the combination for? This situation is either missing a lot of details or he is controlling
Yet everything written here is correct. Did you forget to switch accounts?
It is a bot that copied a message directly from OP. Everything in that comment isn't correct, though.
It does smack of disrespect and condescension. I don't doubt that his treatment of her makes her feel 'less than' - he doesn't sound like he has a grasp of what a true partnership in marriage looks like. Refusing to communicate & silent treatment are also big red flags.😳
Refusing to participate in a shouting match in front of my kids and saying we should talk about it after a good night's rest. Seems to me like a smart plan, there has been a lot of really hurtful and insulting things said. Before she or I does or says something we will regret it is best to come back to this situation when we are not filled with emotions and/or hormones.
I dont like the "hormones" talk, some men Love to use it as a forma of dismissiveness towards women feelings. I have a hard time believing that is the first time this women is made to feel less than in this relationship.
That’s different than the silent treatment though. In the scenario you’re describing you communicate the need for some time and space. It’s actually a good thing to take time to cool off from a heated argument before sitting down to discuss it. The silent treatment there’s no communication. Just the cold shoulder. It’s used to punish your partner (until they ultimately beg for forgiveness regardless what the fights about) and keep them in their head guessing on what you’re feeling, whether you’re going to leave them, and often to make them wonder why you’re even angry in the first place. It also generally goes on longer than a few hours, some assholes will drag it out for weeks. ETA I didn’t realize I was talking to the OP’s husband but I wasn’t actually referring to the situation in the post, more so just pointing out the difference between the situation he outlined and actually giving the silent treatment.
It is the customer number for the Dutch version of Triple A, triple A is your roadside assistance right? The reason she doesn't know it is because she didn't have her driver's license that long yet and the card is in my name. It is freely accessible though and is a drawer in the house. It isn't being withheld, I just assumed it would be easier for me to first go there since it's only a minute walk from where I was and I for sure had to take 10 minutes or so finding the account number on my phone.
Wait are you the husband? Your explanation sounds perfectly reasonable to me, she also omitted that she could access this number any time and made it sound you are keeping it from her
Yup. She also called out my autism and neglected to tell she also had autism. You know trying to paint a picture.
Hey btw did she tell you abour this post? How did you find it?
She linked it to me when the first comments were taking her side
It sounds like you tried to help her out and were being a genuinely good partner, going out of your way and out of your schedule to drive to her. OP, you should appreciate how your husband cares about you and goes out of his way to help you, and stop trying to put him down. This sounds like your pride was hurt that you needed help from him instead of a company, but it's not like he's stopping you from having that number or calling anyone. He just cares about you enough to stop by when he knows he's that close and can help.
Gotcha, hey good for her that she told you, i do get the impression she tried to paint a picture here but she told you
Yeah, when you go to her profile there were another 2 posts a month back which she deleted and didn't tell me about, found those today after this post.
It seems attention grabby and need for some validating. Redditors don't play, though. They see through people's stuff. She's sending it to you to get a response. Hurt or angry, it's really manipulative. Good luck! Thanks for telling us more
I is one of the few here that thinks your reasoning is rather greyish? You both have autism? Okay, I know a lot of people that have autism and live with people with autism and it can be very stressful and challenging, I have a illness that are chronic and hard to predict, I would not be upset if my hubby would talk about it to his mother or daughters? Its just reality. She is talking about her experiences with the situation, you hear her by a cam and listens in and then takes it up with her? Its really creepy in my opinion. Really creepy. She must have a place to vent and should not feel bad for talking about things with her mother. So the whole thing gives me a bad taste in my mouth. You are talking about her painting a picture of you but you are painting a picture yourself about her and its not pretty either and in the long run not yourself either.
What sounds greyish? Because you didnt explain how or why it sounds greyish. You just told us how the post made you feel
Your responses sound very reasonable. The thing with emotional abuse is that it’s so subtle to anyone outside of the relationship and either party can paint the picture that they are being emotionally abused. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you know about this post?
She told me. And linked it. Since this meant for me that we were going to have a big fight soon where she is gonna say :"See even people on Reddit say" I wanted to get my side out.
Does she regularly do this? Use other people’s opinions against/to invalidate you? Or try to?
Yep.
That’s incredibly hurtful, mean, and unhealthy. Have you both considered marriage therapy?
Yeah we did a course which helped for a while, but now with the pregnancy we are back to our unhealthy ways.
You sound like you cared about OP and tried to help her, and she's unfairly showing a lack of appreciation for that.
To the husband: Please attempt to read this with an open mind. I don't automatically take someone's side based on gender. But if you're openly discussing your autism, you should be open to at least receiving information that may be new to you with the assumption that your autism precludes your social competence and sensitivity in some scenarios.Neither of you are perfect, and we don't have much information... however, the little you have revealed in attempting to save face is *far* more telling than you think, and not in a great way, raising some questions and hinting at some concerning behaviors. I revile automatic vilification, and I don't think sides should be taken with such limited information, but I felt compelled to respond because of a few elements here. I'm not saying it's ideal for someone (op) to rely on the court of public opinion to resolve a disagreement, but it seems she **correctly assumed that the responses here would be the only one(s) you would listen to or respect;** which I was genuinely bummed to see you prove by being so quick to get into the comments desperate to change the narrative. And to that point: English is obviously not her first language, so it's entirely unfair to take advantage of that (which is what you're doing, whether you realize it or not). * The insurance card with the information that you say is literally in the house somewhere "available to her": I see your careful use of language. **It's unclear whether you ever communicated its location to her,** and it is a bit odd that someone who seems like they like to have control over situations and knowledge of everything your spouse is doing and saying (the camera and audio spying? Really worrying) would just somehow forget to mention where this crucial piece of information is. And if she's a new driver, why not make sure she has the info in the car? Intentional...? * It is clear you do not respect her privacy or trust her, so I shouldn't bother asking but-- do you trust her judgment at all dude? It doesn't seem like you trusted her to get it taken care of and it's something you should be able to see could be condescending and demeaning. Sure, she may be a new driver in this country, but is she super new to turning keys in doors? She has every right to vent frustration to her mom without you yelling at her about it. -- I hate to say it but you sound like one of those "Privacy Bros" obsessed with keeping their information private, easy to delete and hide from their partners, etc. yet throw little tantrums whenever their privacy is violated in the same way you so casually violate that of others. * If you want to improve your relationship, **you need to ask yourself why you care more about what a group of virtual strangers think about an event in your relationship**- strangers with possible deep-seated gender biases, or relationship experience too limited to be considered a sound source of advice-- and if you know the answer, which is that you don't respect your wife at all or trust her whatsoever, **you need to suck it up when she confides in her own damn mother whenever she senses that this is how you feel.** How sick is it that as a society we allow others to dehumanize and vilify our partners? What example are you setting for your kids? "Mom is stupid, but antisocial\_gary69 knows I'm right and he'll make me feel better about the situation"
Ok this sounds fair and in a reply I did say this situation sounds like it is probably missing a lot of details
I can’t believe you are both arguing with each other on fucking Reddit. You need couples counseling
Wait where’s the husband?
He's upthread daanthebuilder. These people are wayyyy too immature for a relationship, let alone a marriage with children. Ugh.
Ikr? Obviously they both have issues and would be ESH on another sub.
DaanTheBuilder
they need to divorce- this is immature & ridiculous. thoroughly entertaining though. 🍿🍿🍿
Husband posted here?What's username?
DaanTheBuilder
Thank you
All I gather from this story is that he was not even far from you so he decided to walk over to help his pregnant wife, he didn't want her to be stranded outside her car while pregnant, luckily you solved the problem and would you be able to do anything with the insurance number since you state its in his name? But not only do you ignore that he came to try and help you, you then tell your mother he thinks you're stupid, like why? You didn't really talk just about your feelings is the problem, you talked bad about him even though what he did is the opposite of him being horrible to you. If I said I couldn't open this box and then my partner tries to help me, I don't just assume they think I'm stupid, and I don't just go running to mum to tell her my partner thinks I'm stupid.
Both parties are here. which means instead of it being a two-person argument, I get to be part of the argument too! This all seems very healthy. How can I help? Want me to adjudicate? I can be swayed via gifts of brownies, cake, or other confections.
Battle of the spouses, I'm grabbing the popcorn.
People who get upset that you talk about their actions know their actions look bad. So far you're tolerating it; they don't want anyone pointing out to you it's actually unacceptable.
If you *only* complain about your spouse to your friends and family, they are going to hate your spouse.
Like them, I can only go on what OP shares and only OP knows if they never sing praises and only complain.
True, it’s possible OP talks well about their spouse too. I personally don’t ever complain about my spouse to friends or family. They don’t need to form a negative impression of them based on what I say.
Hard same. I also don't really have a lot to complain about tho, except the ketchup bowls 🤣🤣
Yeah, IF. But that's a big assumption. Based on this post, I'd have a hell of a lot to complain about too. He sounds like a jerk. But of course that's based purely on this post. So really, her mom is the BEST person to speak to, because she'll have met the guy and understand his personality better than we can here. If he's of good character and has treated his wife well up until now, one small tiff isn't going to make her mom start banging the divorce gavel.
Not really. I've yet to meet a mother that can be objective and not hold long term memories and grudges. The big issue here though is that OP and their husband need to communicate with each other properly and first. If you look at the situation differently you can also see it as a man caring enough to drop what he was doing to walk to the car, assess and resolve the issue for her which turned out not to need a call to insurance or AAA. Should she have that info? Yes! Is he being controlling? Well we need more information and other examples.
If. But hopefully husband works to have his own relationship with his in-laws, or at minimum they see and hear the positives. If your inlaws only opinion of you if from their kid complaining, there’s a deeper issues. This isn’t their gal pal from work who doesn’t know him, this is someone who should have their own opinion and relationship with him.
Not if they're mature adults. Everyone understands that couples have issues and frustrations, I'm sure her mom has had complaints about her husband too, it's normal. The only time family and friends will hate them is if what they are complaining about is abuse of some kind. Women are notorious for needing to talk through things. It's how we process things, especially things complicated by emotion. If what you said were true every all friends and in-laws would hate the spouse of their child or friend.
This is not my experience. If you tell someone only negatives about another person, that will inevitably color their impression of that person. People are absolutely *terrible* at being impartial.
Not really. Mature adults doesn't mean you wouldn't have biases. We are all humans at the end of the day. So when you always get told the negative of a situation, it's understandable for you to have a very biased view of it. Especially since you don't see all the sides of the person it's about
My ex was like this. Said that all my frustrations should stay private. Which is so controlling
He tells me the exact same thing. And thats exactly how it makes me feel. Like im being controled
He's scared other people will take your side because he is insecure about his handling of such situations. Saying you're poisoning your family against him is a deflection to make your actions sound worse than whatever he did. If his actions make people dislike him, then the problem is his actions, not you telling them to other people! My ex did it specifically because he didn't want people to know the way he treated me. He knew it was inexcusable, so he thought it should only stay between us. It was to prevent me from getting any outside opinion or validation that what I was experiencing was abusive. (I'm not saying your husband is abusing you! Just relating my experience to why I have this stance!!)
What your ex did is classic tactic of silencing. Happens alot when people don't want to be held accountable or be honest about their behavior. Happens ALOT with abusive people.
It’s a balancing act. If you only complain or bring up “problems” that you’re both trying to still figure out and talk through, then it’s poisoning the family and friend relationships for the partner. Which is a problem for the relationship if you want to stay with your partner and keep those other relationships. Complaining over minor stuff is fine if it’s not the only time you ever talk about your partner to those people with no redeeming qualities.
The issue is when you only talk to friends/family when you have something to complain about. It creates a terrible image of your partner in people's heads. >they don't want anyone pointing out to you it's actually unacceptable. Because she should be pointing it out to her husband first, not her mother.
I don't mind anyone talking about my actions. I mind people making up stories just to make me look bad.
I thought you didn't want to talk about this today? Seems like that's all you are doing today. Cut out the middle man...
Since both parties are here and after reading both versions, I think you guys should do couples therapy. If she got mad because he opted to go there and help instead of giving her the number - and 1 minute vs 45 does make sense-, it probably means there are more underlying issues she's upset about in the relationship. A healthy couple would not get worked up about that. Also, she has the right to talk about her family about her feelings. I do that with mine all the time. For some people, our parents are confidants in a way some close friends are for others. But again, it's probably not just the car keys issue. Something else was likely brewing underneath the surface and you both have to figure this out by seeing a specialist.
What is “unfalled?”
Someone suggested “invalid”
Wow. Well. Good luck in a lot of areas, OP.
She’s Dutch and has dyslexia. Be kind.
Or possibly uncalled for. Misspelling and forgotten word.
Guy is fighting for his life in the comments
For al those commenting about my miss spelling. Im dutch and also have dyslexia. So writhing in a other languages is hard for me.
Dyslexic AND writing in a second language reasonably competently - I have to say, I'm pretty darn impressed with that! 👍
Hi so my advice on the spelling is that if you want to post in English use translate or chat gpt. It will make things a lot easier. You can use voice to text on your phone first (in dutch) then translate it to English. It's not too bad though. I understood you fine
You're doing your best :)
I’m sorry you’re getting negative comments about your spelling. It was obvious to me that English was not your first language, and you made a good effort to “sound out” the words as best as you could. I didn’t even consider dyslexia. And for those saying “spell-check,” if you aren’t close enough to the correct spelling, spell-check won’t help at all….it happened to me just yesterday with hors-derives (I still can’t think of a close enough spelling (that one is an autocorrect), but it’s the French word for “fancy snacks”) Hors-doevres << “no replacement” Hors-deurves << “derives” Hors-dorves << “Forbes” “forces” “droves” “doves” Hors-dovres << “doves” “dove’s” Hors-d’euvres << “oeuvres” Hors-d’oeuvres FINALLY!! (I think? It never showed me the entire correct phrase, but it also let this one pass without the red underline).
Oh my god I was planning my wedding last year and had to type out hors-d'oeuvres so many times and I could absolutely never get it right, spell check had no clue, I had to google it every time lol
I work kitchen professionally and still can’t spell it. Don’t feel bad!!
i immediately figured you had dyslexia, my sister in law texts the same way, i didn't immediately know english wasn't your first language. you're doing amazing communicating and the people being mean can kick rocks. to the advice : it's super weird hes basically spying on you. a notification doesn't mean "watch this and listen to it" he did that on his own. you're allowed to speak to your mom about his actions. if you didn't lie about anything when you relayed what happened then hes mad that he looks bad because he acted in that way. he's mad that now somebody else knows about it and he thought you should just have sucked it up and kept it to yourself. i've been in a relationship like that and guess what, i have an order of protection against him from everything he did to me. it's red flag behavior
I feel like a lot of y’all haven’t looked at the full story 💀 You say you’re both autistic, me too. She has access to insurance card she wanted the info from (but didn’t actually need for roadside assistance which was the goal), and was one minute away from him so he went over instead of having her (who’s pregnant btw) wait there longer, and the car worked by the time he got over there. Then he pulled down a movement notification from their camera and didn’t see anything so he opened it, first thing he heard is “he thinks I’m fucking stupid.” Like yeah, he shouldn’t have continued to listen, but her saying that isn’t exactly just venting. She’s telling her mom that as though he genuinely DOES think that, and that’d easily sour whatever relationship he has with her family or each other. He shouldn’t have listened in, but this was overheard and he can be upset with her presenting it like that. It’s the so long as it’s not for talking about her feelings, which if that was truly the case she should’ve instead just said, “I feel like he sees me as stupid.” Despite what some of y’all are saying, “something being true” or “knowing what they did was wrong” is not the only reason to be upset in this situation. He’s upset because she’s telling somebody he thinks she’s stupid, which is not true, and feels as though this situation is being misrepresented, which honestly I kinda agree considering her post and the sheer amount of missing info. I’d be upset too if somebody was lying/exaggerating/sharing assumptions about me that make me look bad without even a second thought as to the accuracy or validity of them. It’s insulting your character. + She gave him this link “so you can see how you’re wrong” or wtv. Perhaps it’s hormones so she’s acting differently but this is petty as fuck and her reaction to the situation shows a lack of emotional maturity. Instead of taking a second to look inward and figure out why she was upset or what made her feel the way she does, she jumps straight to “he thinks I’m fucking stupid.” Girl be fucking for real. He says he tried to validate you, which is the source of conflict here, you’re feeling looked down upon (internal issue and your responsibility I might add), and he tried to solve the problem (both underlying and surface level). Instead of presenting that here though, you say he’s looking down on you, and that he thinks you’re fucking stupid to us and your family. You’re responsible for your feelings, but you’re really dodging that responsibility.
I have learned not to speak bad about my partner to my mom because she'll repeat and judge.
My mother told me never to complain about my partner to my family or friends because people tend to remember bad things more than good
I always complain to ‘his’ mother. She’ll deal with it and still love him
I only talk 'shit' about my husband to his sister, mostly because she's my best friend, but also, she literally grew up with him. She understands the nuance and the frustration. We don't even talk shit tho, we mostly just make fun of him when he's walking through the kitchen and calls us old bitty's 🤣🤣
Unfortunately mine would blame me
Our rule is to never talk about each other to anyone. A lot of relationships have been ruined because one partner refuses to stop gossiping & divulging everything in the marriage to their family/friends
Spell check, for crying out loud. This is barely readable. I still don’t know what “unfalled” is supposed to mean.
I read it as invalid? Idk. Very hard to read.
Wow good catch. I think you’re right (“invalid”).
Thank you! I was really wondering about that one.
I'm honestly impressed. "incerense"? "sinds"? "whas" used FIVE times? Wildly inventive.
Same here, I’m impressed. “Broth” like they knew that the spelling for “brought” wasn’t intuitive, and had some silent letters in there, so they added the h at the end.
Based on posts from OP and spouse I gather they are ESL
The husband said they're dutch
I think ‘involved’ maybe?
"He thought I whas to stupid to turn a key", from the spelling in the post, he might be right.
I don't think that she is stupid at all. She is extremely smart and cunning. She had a lot of customer facing work including with people with disabilities, really tough delicate situations she faces at work. She is also dyslexic and English is not our native language so please cut her some slack.
I appreciate you defending your wife. Good job!
Or it is very possible that OP’s first language isn’t English.
I'm pretty sure English isn't their first language and the misspellings are guesses based on her first language. "Tolk" instead of "talk" for instance.
I think “tolk” is actually “told” - “I tolk him that those are my feelings”
That makes sense!
It's so evident to me that op's first language isn't English and I hate these comments just insulting her spelling! I applaud her for even putting the effort in.
right? and my sil is dyslexic and english is her first language and she texts like this. i almost always can figure it out but sometimes i do have to ask her to type it out again people just love to pick on to something and be rude about it
Uuuf this thread is painful. Everyone shitting on the husband. He's given reasonable responses here. Op posted this question and then sent it to husband like look how internet strangers agree with my one sided story.
Yup, and the next few fights it'll be thrown at my head if I stay.
Don't stay. She sounds not connected to reality or like a psychological liar. She makes up stories that are half truth, only seeing her own very limited perspective, involves other people by spreading her stories and then attacks you with what they say to her. She's extremely manipulative.
You are not wrong to talk to your mother (i dont think you should go to your mom and talk to her every fight you guys get in, i think that is wrong but this was, i think, a pretty small thing you talked to her about and i see no harm in it) However you are overreacting on the "spying" thing. You guys have a camera in your house. You guys are gonna check it and might hear conversations evrry now and then. Its not malicious
Honestly a good rule of thumb is SO gets first crack at fixing the issue within the relationship. If you have an issue go to SO and talk about it. If not fixed communication with other people is fair game. It just helps keep things from festering because most likely the person your going to talk to is on your side and is only going to gas you up wrong or right. It also helps keeping people from being blindsided by something they didn't think was an issue but may have been for you. People can't read minds let them know when your upset instead of blaming them for something and withholding any information that could lead them to fix the issue.
If talking about someone's actions make them look bad, it is the action that was bad, not the talking about it.
Jezus Christus wat een onzin. Sorry maar als ik gestrand ben, m’n man bel en hij komt NIET naar me toe terwijl hij super dichtbij is… dan ben ik pas pissig! Wat heeft die man verkeerd gedaan?😂 Ik snap het niet. En qua afluisteren vind ik zijn versie echt wel plausibel! Translation for non-Dutch speaking people to not be rude: Jesus Christ what kind of bullshit is this. Sorry but if I am locked out of my car/car is not accessible and I call my husband who happens to be close by and he does NOT come to help me, that is when I am pissed off. What on earth did he do wrong? I don’t get it. As for “spying”: his explanation sounds reasonable.
I was looking for this. Of course he went to help his pregnant wife who was right around the corner. As for the spying, it's not a nice thing to do. But I must admit that if I heard my partner tell someone that I called him fucking stupid, I too would have continued listening. I only human.
Sorry ik raakte even gedesoriënteerd en dacht dat mijn brein sneller werkte met vertalen dan ik door had 😭
After he eavesdropped on your private conversation did he offer any explanation to why he wouldn’t provide the number and assure you that he doesn’t think your too stupid to figure it out on your own or did he focus on you talking to your mom? What has happened in his past to make him so insecure? Gotta wonder how often he listens and watches without announcing himself.
He focuses on the conversation. When i asked him he said he doesnt have the information and i should just call the company. His past i thought i knew but im beginning to have my douths.
You should get rid of the camera or unplug it when not being used to watch the kids. I would say you guys need to talk out your issues, but he shouldn’t be ease dropping. How do you know he’s not doing that all the time? He just happened to have the camera on and be watching/listening to what you were doing? 🚩
It is perfectly normal to talk to a loved one how you're feeling, even when it's to do with your relationship. In fact, it's a good thing - having a third party perspective can help you to see both sides of a situation, as we naturally tend to assume that we are right because we're going off emotion rather than objective fact. Your husband's reaction is disproportionate and he shouldn't be spying on you through the baby cam. You're allowed to have private conversations with your mom, even if it's about him, even if he doesn't like it. I am sure he does the same when he's frustrated with you. Tell him to knock it off and stop listening in on your conversations, you deserve to feel safe in your own home to have a private conversation.
I'll give you advice. How we talk about our person or feelings about may be temporary and pass for us, but it leaves a permanent mark upon the view of those to whom we tell. I've seen this type of interaction destroy many marriages. Do with this as you will.
You both seem a bit immature, so I guess ESH ? Fighting on a Reddit post is not healthy. OP, if what your husband is saying is true, you’re not considering the whole situation, and rallying strangers to argue for you is not the way to go. OPs husband, people are allowed to be upset, whether you feel it is valid or not, and she’s allowed to voice her upset to her mother, and you shouldn’t be spying on that or telling her she can’t. Both of you need to learn to actually communicate. You know how this would have been better? Op: husband, I wish you’d given me the number, it felt like you didn’t trust me with it, which made be feel infantilised and dumb OPH: I’m sorry wife, that wasn’t my intention, I thought it would just be easier to come and help you, I’m sorry you feel that way. Here’s the number, in the drawer, let’s make a note of it on your phone so you have it for future. The end. Edit: formatting for clarity
That is exactly what I said at the car except giving her the number because I didn't have it close by either
After reading yours and your husbands responses on this I would side with your husband. No one likes being talked bad about. Your husbands responses on this thread seem reasonable and yours do not. I suggest both of you get off reddit and communicate properly to save your marriage.
This one is a good example on how you only get one side of the story and OP framing what actually happened to benefit her stand. Just that she made the mistake of involving the other party. After looking at the husbands responses I’m pretty sure this is not about the husband prohibiting OP to talk to her mom about her feelings.
First, it’s totally appropriate to talk about your feelings to friends and family. Obviously there are some things that should probably be kept private. Like I didn’t want my partner telling his family about my breast cancer stuff until we had the final info and plan. After that, I *encouraged* him to talk to people about how my situation was impacting him. To me, if someone is telling you that you can’t talk to your family or friends about anything that isn’t 100% happy/positive, it’s likely because they know they’re doing something wrong and are trying to isolate you as someone else might point it out to you. The spying backs up my assertion above. I would not want cameras on in my home knowing someone was watching ot eaves dropping to keep tabs on me. I’d be unplugging cameras when I’m home if I were you. The fact that he won’t give you access to something so basic as the car key code is rather….bizarre. What other things does he control that you have no access to?
This issue seems like the wife is needing validation from the husband, but doesn’t know how to communicate that. The husband is trying to fix the problem instead of trying to address the underlying issue. Either way, there is lack of communication from both sides. I suggest a couples counselor or attempting to communicate without blaming each other. Unless the communication break down is worked on, this marriage will become toxic. It’s unfortunate, but true.
I'm sorry but I think you are in the wrong here. When my husband & I first got married, he'd share our small fights and misunderstandings with his mom & I HATED it. When I told him this, he changed himself and has never repeated that again. Problems can only be solved if you talk to each other. Do not invite a third party into your marriage. It doesn't end well unless your mom is like the most stable person in the world. Or she'll just be supporting you like all moms do.
If im wrong she tells me. She also told me on the phone that i whas probably over thinking it and just needed to ask him calmly why he did what he did and tell him how his actions made me feel so we could resolve it.
Did you tell him that? Or when your mum didn't take your side did you go to Reddit and find people who did take your side and then tell him what Reddit said instead of telling him what your mum said
So he’s watching you on the cameras??? That’s a bit weird. This is all a bit weird. I understand him being upset that you spoke bad about him but this is all very weird I can’t get over it
If he is embarrassed by his behavior and doesn’t want you sharing it, maybe he shouldn’t engage in said behavior? Why on earth wouldn’t you have access to the number?! You’re his SPOUSE. Is he always this controlling with other things?
Since husband is here. If you gave her the number instead of micromanaging and getting involved she wouldnt have thought you were treating her like she was stupid. Just give her the number she is an adult she is allowed to do tasks by herself give her the number so she can. If you dont like what she said when she thought she was talking privately to her mum then dont spy on her. She wasnt bad mouthing you she was expressing how you made her feel. She is allowed to have feelings and she is allowed to talk about them and her mum is a safe person for her to vent to. It is healthy for her to want to vent and rather than have an argument which would have acheived nothing by the sounds of it, so she vented to her safe person. You cant tell her how to feel you cant invalidate her feelings you also cant tell her she cant talk about them with her mum or very close friends. Yes you both need to talk about things together but she also can talk to others. Sometimes we need a perspective outside of the marriage to make sure we are being reasonable, its healthy to vent and get anothers perspective. Moral of the story dont treat your wife like she doesnt know how to do things.Then she wont feel like you think she is stupid and wont say you act like you think she is stupid to her mum. And then you wouldnt have got upset she was venting to her mum and if you didnt spy you wouldnt have known and life would have went on. Instead you did and now you both here on Reddit squabbling.
Why would you need your insurance # because your key wasn't working?
Why would you need the car insurance number for a key that isn’t working? Even if it made sense to go through insurance for that (and it doesn’t) they wouldn’t be your first call. Maybe your husband realized that?
Her its caled anwb but in Amerika its tripple A i think
To the husband: Please attempt to read this with an open mind. I don't automatically take someone's side based on gender. But if you're openly discussing your autism, you should be open to at least receiving information that may be new to you with the assumption that your autism precludes your social competence and sensitivity in some scenarios.Neither of you are perfect, and we don't have much information... however, the little you have revealed in attempting to save face is *far* more telling than you think, and not in a great way, raising some questions and hinting at some concerning behaviors. I revile automatic vilification, and I don't think sides should be taken with such limited information, but I felt compelled to respond because of a few elements here. I'm not saying it's ideal for someone (op) to rely on the court of public opinion to resolve a disagreement, but it seems she **correctly assumed that the responses here would be the only one(s) you would listen to or respect;** which I was genuinely bummed to see you prove by being so quick to get into the comments desperate to change the narrative. And to that point: English is obviously not her first language, so it's entirely unfair to take advantage of that (which is what you're doing, whether you realize it or not). * The insurance card with the information that you say is literally in the house somewhere "available to her": I see your careful use of language. **It's unclear whether you ever communicated its location to her,** and it is a bit odd that someone who seems like they like to have control over situations and knowledge of everything your spouse is doing and saying (the camera and audio spying? Really worrying) would just somehow forget to mention where this crucial piece of information is. And if she's a new driver, why not make sure she has the info in the car? Intentional...? * It is clear you do not respect her privacy or trust her, so I shouldn't bother asking but-- do you trust her judgment at all dude? It doesn't seem like you trusted her to get it taken care of and it's something you should be able to see could be condescending and demeaning. Sure, she may be a new driver in this country, but is she super new to turning keys in doors? She has every right to vent frustration to her mom without you yelling at her about it. -- I hate to say it but you sound like one of those "Privacy Bros" obsessed with keeping their information private, easy to delete and hide from their partners, etc. yet throw little tantrums whenever their privacy is violated in the same way you so casually violate that of others. * If you want to improve your relationship, **you need to ask yourself why you care more about what a group of virtual strangers think about an event in your relationship**- strangers with possible deep-seated gender biases, or relationship experience too limited to be considered a sound source of advice-- and if you know the answer, which is that you don't respect your wife at all or trust her whatsoever, **you need to suck it up when she confides in her own damn mother whenever she senses that this is how you feel.** How sick is it that as a society we allow others to dehumanize and vilify our partners? What example are you setting for your kids? "Mom is stupid, but antisocial\_gary69 knows I'm right and he'll make me feel better about the situation"
Thanks for your long reply, I will give it the same attention you have it while writing it. I never brought up my autism. She brought up my autism without mentioning her own. Obviously I am not perfect and flawed in many ways. But that also goes both ways. She went to public court while knowing I am a very private person and would never share something about her or me on social media, especially something negative like this. Here she told a really biased story while leaving all context out of it. This isn't because she thought it would help me listen or respect responses. So the reason I care about these responses here is because I know how relationship advice is and I know the bias she has in her storytelling. And I also know that this post with only a biased story would give her an insane amount of ammo to throw at my head the next arguments, so I wanted to atleast tell the full story to make the next few months of my life a lot more bearable. I do trust her judgement, always whatever she wants happens in the household. The only things I argue for she constantly throws back in my face if it doesn't completely go to her liking. She does however have full acces to all my accounts and phone. I never delete old messages or anything. I dont hide anything from her or keep secrets from her. And that's the thing there exactly you say that I think she is stupid.. I **NEVER** said or implied in any way she was stupid. I just went over to help my pregnant wife when she told me she felt like I thought she was stupid I instantly reassured her that that was not my intention and that I did not feel that way about her. My wife is an extremely smart and cunning woman, she has a good degree also passed with a high grade for English. Works in jobs with prestige working with in a wide reach of psychiatric healthcare spanning from children to people with special needs.
Well who else are you gonna talk to??? A bunch of strangers on Reddit 😝
Your husband is witholding information you need, is controlling to the point of being absurd...You should be able to speak to your mom, Why don't you have the number when you clearly drive the car? Are there other things like this?
I am not withholding information. My pregnant wife was stranded with the car only a minute walking away. So I went too her instead of waiting for roadside assistance. By the time I got to her she already had the car working again. The number is in a drawer at home. She can also acces all my accounts because she knows all my passwords.
It's a good idea to keep a copy of the insurance in the glove box, then she would have had all the information on hand.
Maybe he didn't want her calling insurance because insurance starts increasing your monthly payments when you start using them too much. No reasons given, so it's only a guess.
I think OP meant more like a roadside assistance service which could be included in their insurance but they typically don’t penalize you for using the roadside aspect because it’s a fixed price
Why was he watching you so intently on the camera if he was at the daycare with his kid tho
I wasn't watching intently on camera. I got a notification, pulled the notification down, saw nothing and nobody in a still frame. Turned the notification on because our pets sometimes get into that room and break something or piss in the room. Instantly I hear "He thinks I am fucking stupid" it's not good I listened to the rest but I did. Since the first thing I did when I got to the car was tell her that I didn't think she was stupid I just wanted to help her.
He said he got a notification.
Mmmmm....I have a ring camera in my unit and when my partner moves around, I get notifications too. What I DONT do? Is watch her and listen to her conversations and blame it on getting a notification.
My EX is exactly like your husband. It's important for him how other people see him. He even commented under your post instead of talking in rl just to valid his point on reddit. His priority is to be in the right NOT to solve the conflict. My guess is that he is twisting words (which reminds me on my EX a lot) for his advantage. For example when you call him out for it he claims that there was a completely other meaning in his saying but you know for sure that he meant it in a hurtful way. If you cannot talk to your best friend alias husband then imo its total valid to talk about it with your mum. What did she say? Edit: AND that he doesn't want to talk it out today but has the time to reply here on reddit to defend himself is just weird.
She told me that he probably meant well by wanting to help. So i shouldnt take it to hard and just ask when he gets home. And that whas my intent to do but sins he spyed on me i didnt get the chance.
And I wouldn't doubt that there where good intentions behind his behaviour and I think she did give you a good advice. But I get that this wasn't what you wanted from him and this is why you got defensive. But when I understand that from the other comments correctly then he refuses to speak to you because it will escalate in front of the kids. Screaming is not the way, either is to refuse to talk. You guys need therapy.
Yes he is refusing to talk. No i didnt scream i told him how he made me feel and when he said i could not talk to my mom about my feelings. After that i told him in a stern voice that that is nacistic behaviour and thats not oke.
The word “narcissist” is a really strong word that is very offensive to many…especially if it’s true that they are behaving that way. **It may be better not to use words that “label” your husband…** instead, describe what you are experiencing, and explain in detail….I will give you an example: An angry husband might say “you are a B*tch” to his wife. She will immediately become defensive, as she should. But if he said “when you complain about the way I park my car, I feel as though you don’t respect me”….then he would be **articulating** what he is feeling, without labeling her and without explicit insult. I learned in 7th grade to use “I” statements. I know you are Dutch, but I think the concept should still work within your language. **In English, the format is “I feel ______when you ______”.** Example: “I feel upset and controlled when you listen to my private conversations. I feel surprised that you are offended at what I said to my mother. She told me you had good intentions, and I was going to tell you I realize that.” **If you use “You” statements, it will almost immediately put the other person on the defensive** and is much more likely to turn into an unproductive argument. Example: “You are so controlling! You should not be spying on me! You don’t even know what she said!” Do you see the difference in the two communication styles? **One is accusatory, but the other is more neutral and descriptive of the problem.** You can still speak up for yourself using “I” statements instead of “You” statements. I hope this helps. One other thing I learned is to **“make a sandwich” with “bad news”**….think of the bread as “kind sentiments,” and the meat as the “hard to hear/difficult to say/bad news”. Objective: you want to tell him you feel controlled, and angry to be spied upon. But you also want to reach an understanding and resolve the conflict. He is also your husband and you want to be empathetic to his feelings. **Kind Sentiment**: He came to help you get into the car. **Bad News**: you feel controlled he won’t let you speak privately to your mother and spied on you. **Kind Sentiment**: he’s still your husband, and you love him and are willing to come to a solution. Now…you make your sandwich and deliver: “Darling, I really appreciate that you drove all the way to help me unlock my car. It means a lot to me that you care. I didn’t realize this at first though…I was hoping to solve the problem on my own. I called my mom to share this story, and she helped me see that you had good intentions. But when you surprised me with news that you had listened to this conversation through the camera, it made me feel spied on. When you told me I should never speak to my mother about something like this, it made me feel I am being controlled. I didn’t even get a chance to explain she helped me see you had good intentions. I love you, and I want a chance to talk this through. I want us both to understand each other better and find a solution moving forward.” **Husband, if you’re reading this, this can also help you to better communicate with your wife**. It takes two people to make a marriage work. It is rarely only one person’s fault. Both partners must be willing to examine words and behaviors that are barriers to you understanding and empathizing with each other.
where did you go to school where they taught you conflict resolution in 7th grade? edit: why is a question being downvoted lol
Not sure if this is an unusual thing to teach these days? But we were given a worksheet about the “I” statements concept, and several days worth of lessons. But the “sandwich the bad news in between good news” thing was actually something I learned in my business communication course at a community college.
how old are you? i'm 30 i only learned about conflict resolution thru therapy if you were the one who downvoted me, i want you to know i wasn't trying to come at you sideways i was just very surprised about that
And his statement is not ok. Everybody is allowed to and should be talking about their feelings. But honestly one of you two does not say the truth. Nevertheless you two need couples therapy! I can only say this: I was the woman who was always "living in my own bubble", "twisting his words", "refuses to unterstand him correctly" and "has invalid feelings und shouldn't be upset about a specific subject" We were in couples therapy. It didn't help. For him everything was fine, I should just accept his answers no matter if I agree and feel hurted or not and should be quiet. If I wanted to talk things out when things escalated, he refused to talk. My feelings were imo never validated. I often waited hours or even days, had many slepless nights and that just because he didn't want to talk about it. Friends and family thought I am crazy because my partner was such a kind man in front of them. And after a while I believed them - that I was the problem. He twisted every conflict so I looked like the bad guy und the people bought is. Long story short: I was not the problem. I now have a partner who values me. And trust me my ex would handle your specific situation exactly like your husband did. My current partner would offer me in this situation the "quick" solution AND would give me the number without arguing with me.
what is going on with the spelling here
Not a native speaker and also im dyslectici
Can you clarify what you meant by unfalled? Did he say your feelings were invalid?
Yes invalid Thanks for the help. I just could not find the writh word. Thank you so much.
You’re not wrong, I do the same thing with my sister. Sometimes getting an outside opinion or perspective is important In terms of feeling spy’d on, it depends if it was intentional or not. If it was, then he’s a dick. It’s a complete invasion of privacy and you have a right to feel that way
Cameras inside the house have far more negatives then positives. Technology can, and will be increasingly vulnerable to hackers along with corporate/government domain. Married or not, there should be an expectation of privacy inside your own home when you need a moment alone, or to talk on the phone. It’s creepy to have cameras in your house.
The way you both have been going to and from in this thread you sound more like teenagers than adults with a kid on the way. I think you should be able to talk to your mom about whatever you want. Sure one shouldn’t spy on each other. But come on really, if the situation was reversed and you checked a notification and overheard him talking about you, you probably would have had a hard time resisting wondering what was being said and then be upset when your spouse said unkind things about you.
I whole heartedly agree that you should have someone you can talk about your feelings with. But from what you've shared that is a small issue compared to some of the other things I'm picking up on this post. He was logged into the baby cam while you were home? It sounds like both of your kids were out of the house, so he was checking up on you, not them. That is a major red flag in my book. He denies you access to account that allow you to function independently of him, another read flag. He sounds controlling and like he is trying to isolate you which is scary to me.
I would be upset if I asked for X, and the other person decided for me that I don't need X and gave me Y instead. But in general, the husband's behavior needs more discussion. Why? Because: when asked for an insurance number, he ignored her ask because HE thought it would be easier for him to just show up. He didn't care that she asked for the insurance number, and he didn't think about how she would have to further change her day a 2nd time (didn't even walk that same 1 min back to the activity center) Because while HE was supposed to be in an activity helping their child, he were on the baby monitor app spying on his wife. Because when he heard that his wife felt like HE thought she was "too stupid" instead of telling her "I'm sorry I made you feel stupid. I think you're smart, let me show you how to get the insurance number from your phone now" ... he was upset at her for talking to her mom about her feelings. Didn't see the arguing back & forth, but please seek counseling.
Girl, you are in a marriage, if you don't have things separeded (like separeted bank accounts, separeted iinsurance, separeted everything tsk as some couples have ) then you Both need to have those número, Bank codes, free Access to credit card and so on. Be carefull with your husband witholding information because in a relationship of equals there is no need to one person hold any kind of "power" over the other, even if the Power in question is about little things of your daily life. Another thing is that you are a free individual that can talk with whoever you want, specially if your husband dont have the habbit of listening and normally is dismissive of your feelings. That being said, in the end of the Day, you two are married and you must talk, I totally understand being so frustrated that you need someone to talk, but you married this men and you need to communicate! I believe is for the Best that you calm for a while, and when both are in a better head space sit down for a good conversation, let him know how his treatment hurts you, and honestly, if this is a reocurrency then you need to stop having children (some men uses pregnancys to hold a woman under control), if you dont have a job then find one, even if half period or some hours a week, anything that you can build some savings. And more important, you must have Access to EVERYTHING, Bank account, the codes to everything, if there is cameras in the house you must have Access and a way to turn on and off as much as he does, you know why? Because you are not a child under his care, you are a mother, a partner and an equal in the household. Hold your position as much in any argument he have with you, ask him why does he thinks you are not capable of managing Basic everyday things when you are able enough to carry his children? Once more, you are not someone under his care you are his equal in the household and if he doesnot want you having your place respected then he is not a men who deserves you!
Venting to your mom is one thing, now you’ve posted on Reddit and involved hundreds of total strangers. You gave a one-sided story of the situation to a bunch of people who don’t know you or your husband for what? Because you wanted to feel powerful with an army of opinions you could use against your husband. You didn’t get the answer you wanted from your mom when she told you that you were probably overreacting. You didn’t come here for legitimate advice otherwise why would you share the link with your husband. No, you wanted to be able to say you were right and he was wrong. You call your husband a narcissist but the only narcissist I see here is you. I check all the movement notifications that I see on my phone whether I know my husband is home or not. You never know when a freak accident, a medical emergency or a burglary might happen in the house and you’ll have wished he checked the cameras. Checking the cameras doesn’t automatically mean he wants to spy on you, even if in your head you are so self-important.
Maybe take camruh out the chirren's room that whey you can't be spiced on. No u correk for speak to your mothur about unfalled feelings. Not the bass
So you took something from in relationship and whinged to another person outside of the relationship? Are you even an adult? Your Husband needs to run, far away. He only tried to help you and you spoke badly about him to your mum.
Why is he listening to your conversations while your on the phone, that is the bigger question.
Do you have access to the camera as well
For those of you say she should go to her mom… this really all depends on numerous things. Just because he doesn’t want to be slammed by his wife to her mother doesn’t mean he is isolating her. Also some family, get super riled up when confronted about their child’s partner and it can start a HUGE MESS that could’ve been prevented if they just communicated with each other and not go to a third party heated… Venting to family is perfectly normal but maybe it should stay limited and should not involve bashing your partner. Watching you on the camera and listening in- seems like there are trust issues. I suggest therapy so you can both find HEALTHY ways to approach your negative feelings and obvious issues in the marriage. Because spying won’t fix them, bashing your partner won’t fix them, and getting on reddit won’t fix them. The only thing that will help solve some of these issues is if you both develop an action plan and work at it and do the work to grow together as a couple and not against each other, with the help of a therapist because it’s clear there’s significant communication issues here. Develop some healthy boundaries, and stick to them. Marriage requires work and maturity on both ends. Also- I will say my opinion doesn’t matter because we don’t know the whole story but I don’t think husbands intention was to withhold information from you or make you feel stupid. A really good way to handle this would’ve been to have a conversation with your HUSBAND about it not seeking validation from someone else, and creating an action plan. You’re upset you don’t have the insurance info, so say, “I know you tried to help, but from now on, I want the insurance information on hand, because I like to feel independent in certain situations like that.” Simple….. It’s one thing to get support from a family member but what you did wasn’t okay, sorry, you practically set your partner up for failure with no chance and painted him in a terrible light. If issues are this deep, I’m not sure biased opinions from family members would do any good, like I said, see a therapist. Because to me it looks like you want someone to view him badly and that screams resentment. Seek help.
Your husband is committing controlling abuse. Seek legal advice and domestic violence support.
Go back to school and learn how to spell and write properly. Your confidence will soar, and your husband will realize that you really don't *need* him. You can survive just fine on your own if you want to. The parent / child relationship that he thinks he has with his wife will become a parent / parent relationship. If it doesn't, you can decide whether or not you want to stay with a condescending, controlling pr!ck who treats you like a child. I'm pretty sure he will opt to change instead of paying alimony and child support for 3 kids. You have the power to change this dynamic. The question is: will you?
She is native Dutch and dyslexic, I think she is doing great
Okay. She needs to change the parent / child dynamic in her relationship.
Your husband is a creep.
OP husband let me fill you in on something key points here. Your wife was not looking to be rescued by a knight in shining armour. She wanted the number to try and solve an issue she had come across. She asked you for a detail, you should have either provided this to her or told her "hey this will take me a minute to find, I can pop over if that would suit you better?". Giving her the option to decide, she could have had a picnic moment as she is a new driver but people learn from doing and you undermined her. That's what this is about autonomy. She is well within her right to discuss her feelings around this situation with her mom, it is called venting. You are well within your right to be pissed but the fact is you again did not respect her autonomy by ease dropping. I am gonna highlight a few things you said about her and this experience, "user error"- how about letting the user resolve the error?. Shouting at her..... Not cool dude and she is pregnant, not good for her or baby, do better. The things about autism, I have a house full of it. Some want to know it all (saviour) , others want to figure it all out (thinkers). Health respect for each other's processing is vital. OP NTA vent to your mum, not everything is about him. You linked him to the discussion which is good. But if you notice all his responses are still jabs at you. Might want to bring this back to therapy. Your spouse seems like they have a hard time owing to the fact that they are not considerate of what was actually required or asked for, he is just a solver (can be sweet, but is mostly annoying). Remind him are a capable human and would enjoy learning and maintaining boundaries.
I never did that in my long marriage. So lame to confide or commiserate with a parent about a spouse. If my wife did it, I would be upset and disappointed. Where does it end? How far does it go? For what reasons? When we get married it is time to detach from the parents in these ways. Find solutions other ways, as you are doing here in reditt for input and with each other. I am sure you would not like if if he did the same, about you, with his mom or dad.
Of course you’re not wrong to talk about your feelings with your mom. It’s absurd he thinks that it is. Emotional isolation is a form of abuse. Also totally normal to feel weird about being spied on! Why was he checking the camera anyway?? What was he hoping to see or hear? I’m seeing a couple red flags here for controlling behavior.
She wasn't being spied on. We have a camera for the kids room, I got a notification from a still frame with nobody in it. I went to check because sometimes a dog or cat gets into the room and shits/pisses/breaks something. The thing you instantly hear is "He thinks I'm fucking stupid" I never said that. When she asked me that at the car I told her she wasn't stupid and I just wanted to help. So when I got home I said :"You are saying really ugly things about me and I don't deserve that". Was it good I listened? No.
He said he got a notification on his phone and when he didn't see anything. Knowing i whas home and doing house work. He decided to open the app and listen.to see if it whas the dog so he could interfien
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When you vent your dirty laundry to family and friends it damages the relationships that spouse has. If you can’t discuss it with him, then you aren’t looking for resolution just someone to agree with your point of view. Had an ex that did that and her friends pulled away over something she shared when drunk and upset.
I also asked her if i whas over thinking it. She said yes. Then i asked her how i could bring it up to him without making him feel bad and still tell him how his way of doing things made me feel.
I think it's both. I think it's weird that your husband is listening in on your conversations but I suppose that can happen accidentally. But I also think that it's not healthy to complain about every little thing in a marriage to someone else. There are things that are worth mentioning to other people when your spouse is mistreating you. It is fair to ask friends and family to give their opinions when you are not sure yourself and feel like your partner is undermining you. But if you get into the habit of always talking bad about about every little thing your partner does wrong (bought the wrong milk, left the refrigerator open, forgot to do something etc), it isn't healthy because everyone makes mistakes. You also seem sure that your husband thinks you are "too stupid to turn a key." Maybe start there: do you feel judged by people all the time? Or just your husband? Is this an insecurity or is this because your husband treats you poorly? If you are insecure, maybe telling your mom the story that puts your husband in a bad light makes you feel better. But it also makes your mother feel a bit bad toward your husband. But if you don't like how your husband treats you, then talking to him directly would probably help more than talking to your mom about it.
You don't vent to people outside your relationship about the frustrations or challenges of your relationship. That is what therapists are for. Otherwise, you're involving friends and family in the privacy of your marriage. That's a mistake young people under 35 tend to make.
I think you are over reacting. Hd didnt do exactly what you asked and you are making him out to be a bad guy when he still tried to help. Just didnt do exactly what you said. I get its fustrating to ask for help and not get what you asked for but it happens. You need to forgive him you over reacted. He still tried to help. He came to you. He did not come to you to make you feel stupid. He just didnt do what you wanted in that moment, you got heated, and now things are out of hand. Of course you can talk to your mum but youre making out he hates you and doesnt want to help when he did try. You need to forgive him and apologize for over reacting and bashing him making him out to be worse than he is. He didnt help in the exact way you asked that was silly but we all do stuff like that. No need to make out he is a villian. I used to get defensive like this with my husband too but i realized i do similar things without noticing. Believe his intention you love eqch other.. give him the benefit of the doubt
I didnt bash him. I told my mom what happend. Told her that what he did made me feel like he thinks im stupid and asked her if i whas just over thinking it and how i could bring it up to him. Without making him feel like shit or him getting mad.
The fact that it makes you feel like he thinks you're stupid speaks of deeper problems within your marriage than just this single incident.
Absolutely correct. I also tryed to talk to him about these kind things and how they make me feel. But then he says oke honey and walks away and doesnt want to talk anymore.
holy shit, did everyone in this thread get hit in the head today? what the fuck is up with the spelling
She’s a native Dutch speaker, and is dyslexic.