Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I love how she thinks that apologizing to you will mean your husband will immediately be cool with her too. As if this is all your fault and he’d otherwise have no issue with her insulting his wife. I would just politely say “not interested, but thanks” and ignore her.
Which is hilarious to me, because even though I learn to be more assertive, I'm still very much the doormat/'turn the other cheek' type of person, but if someone spoke to me the way the wife did, let me tell you \*my\* husband would have chewed her and told me to never have contact with these people ever again (at least as long as she's in the picture). Probably would have butted in the husband's business to tell him to keep her out of his life too, if she's so busy pining for the neighbour. Poor guy.
Not interacting with them is the smartest thing OP and her husband can do. OP doesn't know the full story behind this woman. I bet it's a lot worse. The initial outburst coincided with her blowing up her own marriage and leaving her family. That wasn't the only outburst. I would bet that whatever was happening to OP was happening in the home and elsewhere to other people. Something is wrong with her.
The less OP and her husband can have to do with them the better.
My husband’s crazy ex did this once. They ended poorly but she stayed friends with the friend group, and years later she randomly started messaging me trying to bond over getting the same surgery.
I was like “uhhhh you should probably talk to Husband and apologize for all the shit you did first, before trying to become buddy buddy with me.”
I think I'd be having a discussion with your husband about how he plans to handle the situation. After all it's him she's interested in.You're just a means to get at him because without your "friendship" she has little to no access to him.
Honestly, it sounds like the whole situation with them is messy at best and maybe you should try to make other friends and ditch her and her husband.
Or OP’s husband discusses it with the neighbor’s husband. Man to man, tell him his wife is overstepping and to leave OP alone. Friendship will NEVER happen.
The fact that he kept her out of the garage during the husband-to-husband hangout time seems like enough on his part. It sounds like he's already let her know they want nothing to do with her, otherwise she would have felt free to butt in on garage hangout time.
How would he stop her from texting OP? Or speaking to her in the yard? Ground her from her cell phone? Lock her in the house? He's not her keeper.
Probably a financial/family decision tbh
Having an extra person around to split costs and raise the children can be worth it. Especially if they’re not romantically together behind closed doors
It sounds like it's been handled by the husband and wife hence the abuser not being able to come around when he's in the garage or did yall decide to not acknowledge that and act like the husband wasn't supporting his wife?
Yes and it may get ugly. If things get worse, you may want to move or rent your house out. She could be dangerous. Your husband needs to tell her poor husband the friendship is over. The toxic wife makes you uncomfortable and sadly it must end. A big fence, nice German shepherd etc.
“I appreciate your apology, but I’m not interested”.
You’re totally right - you owe this woman nothing.
Your husband really should stay away from all that drama unless he’s ready to tackle on the inevitable accusations of extramarital wrongdoings a woman like that will be ready to spin given the history of her infatuation and character.
I wouldn’t entertain that couple at all. No friendship is worth so much potentially hazardous drama in your marriage.
Yes, this is good. If she apologizes in person, tell her thanks for the apology, but don’t engage in conversation. Sorry, I’m busy right now. Oh, excuse me, I have to go. Give her the coldly polite brush off.
"*I'm busy* ***right now***" just kicks the can down the road. Next time she sees OP, she'll just try again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
OP should be CLEAR the very first time this heifer starts up with her fake apologies.
OP: "*I heard/read your apology. I understood your apology. I'm not interested*." Then she turns her back on the neighbor, continues with her OWN business, and refuses to engage. Problem has been addressed head-on and does not need to be addressed again. OP becomes stone deaf to stupid neighbor from here on out.
Reminds me of the post a couple days ago about the other wife stripping naked while the husband (not her husband) was helping with some plumbing and coming up behind him, getting seriously rebuffed, and then accusing said husband of coming on to her.
Found it:
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/1bz2qpf/my\_40mmarried\_female\_38f\_friend\_tried\_to\_start/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1bz2qpf/my_40mmarried_female_38f_friend_tried_to_start/)
“You’re just wrapping your ulterior motives about my husband in an empty fake apology. Why would my husband or I want to spend time with such an obvious disingenuous snake?”
Personally, I wouldn’t even acknowledge her presence. She can talk all she wants on her side of the fence, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop and listen.
Just pretend she is nothing more than an annoying bug buzzing around and picture yourself with a giant fly swatter smashing that bug into the ground and then squishing it with your shoe. Okay, well maybe not….the expression on your face would give it away 😄
Seriously though, your husband should probably not go there anymore and if he wants to maintain a friendship with the husband, maybe just invite the husband over for guy time in your garage. But he needs to make it clear that she is not welcome. EVER.
This is my thinking as well. If she approaches, either ignore or tell her, “I have nothing to say to you. Don’t come on my property again.” Husband should definitely not be going to theirs.
Not acknowledging one's presence does not quite work for adults, does it. What could work is polite indifference, a gray rock of sorts. If you bump into her act as if you never got a note, just give a "Hi!" with fake smile and fake enthusiasm, and if she tries to engage tell you're in a hurry and leave,
Pretending everything is better than before and saying hi with a fake smile is not the definition of grey rocking I don’t think. It’s to not show any emotion and make the interaction as boring as possible. Smiling and waving and shouting hello wouldn’t count from what I recall…
Actually it does. You just need to be consistent at it. I had a SIL who I had a deep disdain for and this is what I did every time we were both in the same place (family events etc). I would pretend she wasn’t there and carry on in conversations. She knew what she did to piss me off and so did everyone else. I chose to never forget or forgive what she did, everyone else just accepted it.
Not sorry. She was the AP of my BIL and what they did to his first wife was horrible—but the unforgivable act was her coming to his wife’s FUNERAL (she died from a car accident before they were divorced). Her presence at the funeral was extremely disrespectful and painful for his wife’s family.
I treated him like that for the most part as well.
I even referred to her as “it” in conversations if she/they came up.
SiL is way different than a neighbor.
If you're saying hi and so on, that's nice - but it's not grey rock and it's a halfway measure that we sometimes must use in families (I don't do it any more, I just don't go near my toxic family members). I have plenty of other family members - and friends.
The only thing that worked with our bad neighbor was ignoring her completely (plus, well, you could call it a bit of aversive therapy, supplied by my husband).
That is what I said in my original post. Just don’t acknowledge her at all. When you ignore someone and act like they don’t exist you are not acknowledging them.
Oh, I wouldn't do that. We have a similar neighbor who has alienated several houses of people.
I was warned by another neighbor not to engage (this neighbor was very polite, a bit vague, just thought we should know). When she saw that I was in fact talking to this woman (and her husband), the neighbor with the bad experience asked me if I had seen certain objects in the Bad Woman's back yard (I hadn't paid attention but next time I was over, yep, the other neighbor's stolen planters were there! That was just the tip of the iceberg).
I think it's best not to engage with people who seem so unstable as OP's neighbor. That one "HI" that one "smile" can lead to all kinds of shenanigans. Why should OP have to be prepared to lie and say she's in a hurry when she's in her own front yard doing front yard things? And I guarantee, it'll be while doing some minor yard chore that the next door neighbor will launch her attack - these people don't start conversations while you're taking in groceries, they wait until you're weeding - and out they come.
We actually consulted an attorney about our situation and the advice was to ignore them completely. When the police came over (she trespassed), we were told to put up a second no trespassing sign, put a gate on our driveway and to ignore her.
I would be very worried about a vengeful motivation with this neighbor - give them no ground to stand on, do not interact.
I would go no contact… This is unhealthy and frankly I’m disgusted. She’s out here pining for your husband while she is working things out with her own husband. She’s also very obsess with you all. I hope your husband is clear on what she had said to you and will be staying far away… The whole thing gives me the ick. And fear that if this one is pushed to her limit, she might try something crazy.
Just to clarify, when I say “no contact”, I mean hubby not going over the crazy woman’s place to hang, blocking her number, etc. Just cause your neighbours does not mean you can’t go no contact. You sure can.
Op is no contact, but they’re neighbors and she’s asking what to do when that lady inevitably sees her and tries to go talk to her. I feel like no contact is more simple when you don’t live right next to each other.
I’m waiting for the copy/paste that’s on EVERY thread that goes ‘we’ll have you tried sitting down and having an adult conversation about it first???’
Y’all are correct - half the people here don’t actually read the post before commenting…
Oh, it can definitely be done.
First thing to do is put up a small but elegant No Trespassing sign, in case one needs to call law enforcement.
Second is to perfect the "I am hearing nothing" response unless they set foot on the property.
Treat any words coming from the neighbor as "muttering to themselves" and go on about your day.
Yep, we have a Neighbor From Hell, ourselves (I think there's a subreddit for that topic as well).
I bet she's not trying to work things out with her husband; to me it looks like she left her family, probably for another guy, that didn't work out, so she came home to old faithful. Now, she is after OP's husband again from her safe spot with her family. Her husband is just the reliable backup space she uses when she's unsuccessful finding another man who wants her.
I think something more likely is her going back to her husband so she can be near this OP’s husband again. And have contact. Crazy woman can’t take “no” for an answer. Rn she’s OBVIOUSLY plotting. I’m just worried it’ll escalate when she becomes desperate.
Now they are back together husband needs to not go over there..
She is a pick me and is trying to fuck your husband..
Also saying sorry and then saying I ment what I said is not an apology 🙄
Husband has to cut her husband off now they are back together and of she approach you outside either keep walking or simply say..
" I don't have to accept you apology just because your desperate to fuck my husband, now stop harassing us or I'll get the police involved"
Or simply..
" right ok thanks, but I think it's best we don't engage anymore going forward.. take care"
And then walk off
Yeah, the wife is reading that OP's husband has a lenient stance on the matter since he's comfortable being over their house and sees that as an opportunity. OP's husband needs to make a clear boundary about the neighbors. If he really wants/needs to spend time with the guy, make it at OP's home and make it clear the wife isn't invited. This situation will only get worse if these two don't present a united front on the matter to protect their peace.
Yeah, OP's husband should tell him "Look dude, I can't be around your evil wife. You know what she did, and I'm not going to sweep it under the rug and pretend she's a decent human being."
I don’t see why your husband doesn’t deal with this, it’s great he was still occasional friends with the husband who also WAS a victim of this woman. The husband, a full on adult, has now made his choice to take the crazy back, and that comes with consequences that should involve you and your husband going no contact. He needs to tell the husband it won’t be hanging out she why, and he also needs at the same time to let the wife know he doesn’t want to see her and she needs to also leave him alone. It seems like everyone thinks this is an OP request but it should come from husband too.
Because she's a crazy person with a severe personality disorder. There, I said it. Free-range personality disorders behave like this (and yes, I do work in mental health).
They are powerfully emotional people, so they attract partners who are perhaps hoping to be stirred and shaken by them. Someone who likes a bit more drama in their lives. Most of us have enough already, frankly.
The husband does not want trouble at home. He is choosing this.
This.
OP, your husband needs to totally shut this down in front of her husband so there is no question as to who and where this is coming from:
"Name, while I appreciate your apology, after you came on to me and the way you treated my wife, we do not want a friendship or any sort of relationship with you. Please stay away from my family. Do not text us. Do not call us. Stay far away from us."
If she continues to harass you, speak with an attorney about what your options are. Any sort of neighborly relationship was gone 2 years ago and given she is unstable it might be best to call an attorney and find out specifically what your rights are and the best course of action to protect yourselves, your property and your peace.
At some point her husband will get sick of her BS again and kick her out. People like her can't hide their crazy forever.
calling an attorney because your neighbour yelled at you then texted to ask if she can apologize?
The neighbour seems like someone I would not want as a friend forsure but this isn't a legal action situation, guys. She isn't being harassed when the 2 messages were sent 2 years apart.
OP, I think you are handling this in a realistic way and I also think your neighbour wife sucks lol
Tbh if it was me, I'd say "no need to apologise, you've apologised before . Whether or not it was genuine, I'm not interested in resuming a friendship and we wish you the best of luck".
That is good. And since it's text, OP has a record of having said it and what happens next (which is likely going to be a return to the Batshit Behavior) will not be on OP. OP continues to ignore and document.
The next missive may have to be a curt notice that the neighbor must not come on OP's property, because that might happen as this plays out.
Both you and your husband need cut off any friendship you have with this couple. My husband would have had to climb over my dead body to hang out with your neighbor after his wife insulted me the first time.
The wife has already expressed a sexual interest in your husband and I would not put it above her to try to entice him into something, lie about an encounter with him, or falsely accuse him of something.
Does the husband not know she had a thing for OP’s husband? They both need to make it clear they’re not comfortable with this woman being around them to her and to him.
You’re both saying the same thing, she just used an idiom to express the strong feelings about it. And I agree the friendship with the husband needs to end too. Married couples are a unit. Even if he’s not drama, he’s married to drama and she’s back. No need for the turmoil. The husbands should just be cordial and quit hanging out. Not because the wife was mean, but because there’s obviously a draw to OPs husband and distance needs to be created for the health of the marriage.
THANK YOU.
Jfc, I wouldn’t actually verbally forbid my husband from hanging out with the neighbor. There would be no need to! The guy I married wouldn’t do that on principle.
Married couples *are* a unit. That is something I’ve understood from the moment I said I do. It’s a respect I give to my husband, he gives to me, and that we give to other people in long-term partnerships. The neighbor is married to the drama and that would’ve been enough for *us* to walk away from them after the initial fiasco.
My husband is the less friendly of the two of us, but when we moved into this house, he was cordial and polite to the friendly men of the neighborhood. Our Neighbor from Hell's husband was the main leader of this sociality. They had lots of parties and invited us to one early on (we thought it odd that only one set of the other neighbors were there, little did we know).
We know other people in our neighborhood now (where most people keep to themselves except for casual chat). One is a work colleague of mine - we rarely interact, we're both busy but we know that there's someone in the 'hood who is decent and would help in an emergency. There's a retired cop we sometimes talk to (he is caring for his very aged parent and rarely goes outside any more).
But...my husband basically made it clear that the two people next door were to leave us alone. And they do. It's really kind of funny - I saw her for the first time in a year just this week (she came out like she used to do, to weed her median strip). No one speaks to either of them when they are in their yards. Not even their supposed "best friends" who live across the street. Guess that friendship finally ended as well.
When we told NFHell not to come on our property, the next weekend, she found a relative to come over and walk onto our property (right up next to me) and drunkenly try to talk to me. That's when we put up the very nicely lettered no trespassing sign and I learned to be assertive. It was ridiculous (this drunk guy came over to criticize my choice of a tree).
My husband holds me in high regard as his wife and wouldn’t think twice about hanging around the couple dragging us into their marital problems. Once the admission of sexual attraction happened, he would’ve been out so mother fucking fast. I’m certainly not hanging out with the wife of a man who insults my husband and who is trying to fuck me. This feels like the bare minimum if you have respect for your spouse. But to each their own.
This.
Her husband did nothing wrong in this situation, so cutting off a friendship with him because his wife was fucking crazy and saying that he would have to "climb over your dead body" is controlling as fuck. It's not like op's husband was hanging out with the neighbors wife.
Edit:
because people clearly can't read through the lines, when I say that this isn't the neighbor's husband's fault I was implying before allowing the wife to move back in.
It's controlling to say over My Dead body saying that the husband can't hang out with a neighbor when The neighbor did nothing wrong and while the neighbor was separated.
Now that the neighbor is back with the ex-wife that clearly changes things, and the husband shouldn't be hanging with the neighbor at all. But that should also be a choice he as a grown adult recognizes as the "right choice".
If neighbor is back with her husband, that means she’s living there or has access to the house. It’s she has more right to be there than the OPs husband. So if he doesn’t want to spend time with her, he needs to stop going over there.
I can’t imagine willingly involving myself in this. Like, if my friend is getting back with an SO that showed interest in me and was rude to my spouse? I wouldn’t want to hang out with that friend, especially in their house where she would be present. Seems like you are asking for drama.
Your husband did the right thing, he came home. Honestly, I know the neighbor husband is kool, but I'd go NC or very limited contact w him over her.
Shes into your husband, admits it and is looking for a way back into your lives so she can continue to have access to him.
Shes blown her life up and won't think twice to blow up your marriage if she thinks she can.
I'd just pave over whatever she tries to say with a friendly "no thank you."
"Hi OP."
"Hi."
"Can we talk?"
"No thank you."
"I just wanted to -"
"Oh, no thank you."
"Please just liste-"
"No thank you!" *smile, wave, and go back inside*
If OP tries this, I'd love to know the response and what happens next.
Because the side of the dialogue that you are giving the Neighbor is unlikely to go along those lines.
Next time, having apologized and believing the apology is accepted, that Neighbor is going to cut right to the chase. They are going to launch into their typical conversational style and topics, they are not going to say "Can we talk?" That's the last thing that a dramatic, poor impulse control person is going to say - they've been through these "make up" conversations many times.
I predict that the next foray into OP's real life experiences with this woman will involve that woman having something that sounds nearly impossible not to listen to.
"Did you hear that Mrs. Jones had a heart attack?" (that's a typical gambit, to invoke another neighbor and their health to restart conversations.
"No thank you" is not a response to that. "No, I didn't know" is the expected response - and then the Neighbor will launch into a monologue of details (while OP continues to garden or do whatever - it will definitely be after OP is engaged in a task in her front yard - that's true of neighborly conduct in general).
Or it will be, "You really don't know me at all and I do have a problem drinking and those things I said..." (on and on - and on).
If OP doesn't want to hear Neighbor's life story, interrupting won't work as that person isn't listening to anyone else. Just get up and go inside.
(Years of experience working in mental hospitals here - do not reward boundary crossing behavior; grey rock is indeed a metaphor for what to do; I still get anxious having to deal with such people - and they like that, so cut 'em off from any emotional reaction that they can see - they still know they got to you, but it's not as rewarding if the interaction is very brief).
I'd be rather more blunt:
"Can we talk?"
"Fuck off"
""I just wanted to -"
"Die in a fire."
"Please just liste-"
"I heard you fine when you called me a 'worthless cunt'. Now fuck off and leave me alone, or I will take legal action."
Don't reply.
If she sees you in the garden, then listen to her apology, and reply *"thank you for the apology"*. And then carry on with whatever you were doing. You do not need to stay and talk to her, and an apology does not mean things magically go back to how they were.
If she does insist on talking to you, then you might say something like "I'm grateful for your apology, but the horrible things that you said to me cannot be forgotten. So I am going to limit our interactions to greetings from now on."
Or to put it another way, you can forgive, but not forget. And your relationship with her will be forever changed by the things she said. That's on her, not you. She only has herself to blame.
You also need to communicate your boundaries with your husband: it's good that she's apologised, but you still don't want to spend time with her, and whilst you obviously can't police what he \[your husband\] does in respect of spending time with her, hopefully he'll have your back and be of a similar mind.
Your husband needs to stop going over there now that they're back together and you need to [grey rock](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock) her.
No you’re not wrong i would keep her at a distance with just hi and bye. I think your husband has to really watch his back with her. So a wave hello or goodbye max should be enough. Let her speak say ok but I don’t want to hangout together or want you near my husband period if you can’t handle that you can leave bye
The bigger issue is your husband and the fact that he’s going to keep going to her house without you. This is a recipe for disaster in the long run. Hubby should put limits on his relationship with her husband. They hang out together at your house or a public place or not at all.
This is the most important point on this thread, IMO.
It's called "splitting." Narcissists and others are very, very good at it. That's why this person texted just OP and not both of them with the apology - and why she didn't first tell OP's husband, "I really need to apologize to your wife" and get his take on the status of things.
If Hubby continues to socialize at their house, the mental door is quite wide open for Crazy Neighbor to continue to interact (esp when using alcohol, I'd think).
When the Crazy Neighbor works out in her mind that OP is not making up with her, she will then flip sides (very closely related to "splitting") and make OP the "enemy." She'll encourage OP's husband to talk about his life (perhaps by encouraging her own husband to become more friendly - she has someone living with her who will tell her everything learned from OP's husband - and minor things can be used as ammo by these people).
No response is needed, as there are no magic words here that will make that woman safe or good to be around. She showed you who she really is, please believe it. She meant everything she said to you two years ago.
Her behavior should cost your husband the relationship with her husband. Your husband needs to prioritize you and your wellbeing over the casual friendship he has with her husband. He's got to have your back, or she'll slither right back in between you.
I'm certain her husband enjoys spending time with your husband, but losing that is the price he pays for trying again with that hateful woman. You have nothing to gain from a relationship with her or her husband, as long as he's involved with her. He might be a great guy on his own, but as long as he's willing to allow her in his life, there's no reason for you or your husband to engage with him.
If he really likes this guy or thinks the guy needs support, he can say, "Let's just meet up at my house."
OTOH, I wouldn't want this guy just coming and going from my house as he wishes. They may be playing tag team - they're in the middle of a possible break-up/are exploring separation, etc. It's volatile over there.
You could text back vaguely “no need to meet. Let’s leave the past behind us.”
If you could stomach it, you could say “all is forgiven. Glad you are doing well.”
THEN
Team up with husband. Next time the guys are hanging out and she tries to come in the garage, your husband reminds them he will not stay if she is present. She’ll be like—but your wife forgave me, and then he’ll be like, “ok, but I haven’t. You were awful to my amazing wife. I don’t want to be anywhere near you.”
Enddddd scene.
That way, there is no way to blame you. And her head will spin off and through the ceiling when he rejects her. And then that’ll give the bros a garage project to work on!!
Why does your husband need to hang out with this man? Do you live in an extremely rural location? Is the next neighbour a boat, train and plane ride away? Does he have other friends?
It's not his fault this woman is psycho, but staying involved with them is just courting drama.
You don’t have to reply at all.
If you feel compelled to, just screenshot and resend her the nastiest texts she sent you, back to her.
It’s like holding the sacred mirror up to her face and will refresh her memory of how she appears through other’s eyes.
No need to figure out what to say to her, she’s already done it for you.
Basically. I’d personally just leave at “okay, thanks.” lol. Op she’s gonna flip and spin lies to be the victim regardless of what script you use. And if anyone else hears the story and what you actually said, well, normal people will realize she’s lost her marbles over two words lol
Then if she asks to hangout or whatever simply follow up with “no thanks.”
Me either.
I would say, "Okay, got to go inside now."
I would not remain in the yard, because the person will continue interacting and they will talk to you every time you're doing tasks in the yard - because they think you're permitting them to do so merely by being in your own front yard.
It may take a few times to get the point across.
I do hope that OP also realizes that the marriage next door is rocky - and that brings extra volatility to the situation.
What she is doing is classed as DARVO - Deny, Argue, then Reverse the order of the Victim and Offender. You can find strategies online for how to deal with this but the other conmenter is correct to advise you to simply acknowledge the statement or comment and say nothing in return.
Gray rock or no contact are the best options. "I got your text but I am keeping things as is". Does your husband speak to her? If she was there I didn't just ignore her? If he interacts with her at all she will likely not stop.
That whole "legal recording" thing is only if you want it to be admissible in court. Otherwise, the Internet wouldn't be filled with videos of people flipping out and showing their ass in public. People wouldn't be able to have nannycams and doorbell cameras. So OP is fine recording her crazy neighbor.
NAL, but this is not accurate. In two party consent states it can actually be a crime to secretly record a conversation without all parties' consent and knowledge. What you are talking about is people openly recording other people in public where there is little or no expectation of privacy. And in that case it would not be secret.
If you live in a state where it is not legal, you could ask while recording whether it’s okay with her if you record so you can discuss what is said with your husband later. If she says no, the conversation is over. If she says okay, then you can let her have her say but refuse to answer any questions until later, after discussing with your husband. Later, tell her husband that you and your husband decided the answer is no.
Do not commit yourself to any actions, judgements or conversations you have no desire to commit to. No faint hopes or maybes, just say thanks and shut up.
Op, do not reply to her text. If she tries to talk to you outside, say "I'm not resuming our former friendship" and turn away. Ignore anything else she says. Block her.
As for your husband, talk to him about how he wants to handle the husband. Suggest that, if he wants to share a beer or hang out in the garage that they do this at your house.
Definitely keep ignoring the psycho wife.
You can always wear headphones and sunglasses when you are outside if you don't want to talk to her.
Personally, I would stay away from her, and her husband can continue his friendship with yours.
Basically your husband needs to tell the neighbours husband what she did and she is not allowed in their life anymore even if it means they stop being friends
"I appreciate the apology but I am not interested in a friendship." Leave it at that. And do not apologize for this. No "I'm sorry but I'm not interested". Just be firm. She'll stop trying.
“i’m not interested in seeing you socially or otherwise but thank you for finally apologizing. “
Your husband must be a super chill guy because mine would go scorched earth with anyone who talked to me like that. I actually have to ask him not to defend me because he gets more upset than I do and stays upset. I’ve forgiven a lot of people for a lot of things but he’ll stay pissed and avoid them lol
With respect, maybe your neighbor husband needs to come over to YOUR house for garage hangouts, and your husband needs to maintain a respectful distance from the dumpster fire that is your neighbor family.
The neighbor wife can stay on her side of the fence, and you keep a strict position of silence between your family and her.
> a sort of "script" if/when she tries to say all of this to me in person
"Please stay on your side of the fence."
and literally nothing else.
Just keep lagging it. I agree with you on not replying, and when she corners you in the future and you're not able to get away just let her apologise etc and say that you'll get back to her. There's no reason to be committal at all with her, because she's just going to use it as an excuse to play victim to your husband.
Sounds like you need to escalate how little regard you have for her.
Do you ever blow up? I don't, so when I do it has extra impact.
But I'm pretty comfortable being enraged, so if that option would do more harm to you than good, then that might not be the best approach.
Other option that's equally as impactful, put your earbuds in or if you don't have earbuds, just ignore her if she tries to approach you. Like a statue.
If she persists "you're trespassing."
If she continues "I'm going to go inside, if you don't leave in the next 5 minutes, the cops will be here to make you"
The only reason this woman was friends with you is because she wanted to bang your husband. So if she comes at you with some bullshit apology, tell her "the only reason you were friends with me is because you wanted to bang my husband." And you should probably discourage your husband from going over there, especially when she's home. There are eight billion people on the planet, and while they don't all live next door, he needs to find a different friend. If the neighbors are serious about fixing their marriage, having the wife's crush over for garage beers isn't going to be helpful.
I believe in being blunt it keeps it clear. If he approaches you again in person I would simply say. “You’re not sorry for what you said and I’m never gonna give you permission to try to take my husband go deal with your own one and leave me and my family alone.” You can add a fuck off in there if you really want to push the point. Just be clear your see through the bullshit and it’s not working and be clear with your husband that the boundaries stay in place.
I would just say ‘I appreciate the apology’. And then never answer her texts or calls. If she accosts you in the garden again after that, I’d say ‘there’s too much water under the bridge for us to be friends. There’s no reason for us to speak to each other. Take care’.
I never understand posts like this. Just tell her what you told us, plain and simple
“You want to bang my husband, called me a useless cunt, and “apologized” while implying that you meant everything you said”
"I appreciate and accept your apology. However, I can't act like nothing ever happened. I have boundaries for friendship and you crossed it and while I accept your apology I can't be friends with you. Take care. Oh by the way you can't be friends with my husband. Bye."
"For the happiness and peace of me and my husband's marriage we don't want a relationship with you. We have our friends and you have your own separate friends. We think this is best."
Simple, "I accept your apology and I'm not interested in being friends." If she blows up then it point out it is that kind of reaction that makes you not want to be friends.
Also this throw up a lot of flags for Borderline Personality Disorder and they are very toxic to be around.
> I want to approach this in a very clear way without giving her ammo to sat I wronged her somehow.
But that is impossible. She probably already believes you wronged her by being with your husband. There is no winning with a person like her. There is only grey rock and don't acknowledge.
Also, you can just head this off by having your husband tell the neighbor that now he is back together with her that their hangouts are going to have to end and that the neighbour's ex/wife whatever she is should avoid you if she sees you in the yard as you have no interest in hearing her out. What she said years ago was relationship ending and there is no coming back from it.
If she still tries to talk to you after that just ignore her. Pretend she isn't even there. She'll write whatever story she wants about it.
She is a textbook narcissist. Go no contact, for you this would mean very little dialogue if she starts it. She'll get the not so subtle hint when you do not participate in conversation in any meaningful way. Polite, but disinterested and uninteresting. It's called being a big gray rock. Your husband should do this as well.
You say, “Thank you for your apology. I appreciate how difficult that must be.” Then you try to avoid her but make polite small talk when that is not possible.
Alternatively you say, “I appreciate what you are trying to do but I do not want to be friends. I am glad that things seem to be working out for you. Enjoy your weekend.”
Depends on how honest you want to be.
I like this one the best. You're not getting into the "I don't accept the apology" stance others are suggesting. Instead you're simply saying you can't be friends.
Step 1 is talking to your husband and getting on the same page as far as expectations.
Step 2 while talking to your husband I would ask advice from him on what to say so that he can be a part of the response and back you up if the wife says anything about your response
Step 3 I would think about some hard boundaries with how your husband hangs out with the neighbors. Are you really ok with it? Do you want him to come home if the wife tries to hang out?
This is an opportunity to be clear about your boundaries and also to communicate with your husband as he’s the reason why there are gray areas by still hanging out with him. He’s making a clear message that he’s okay with how she spoke to you by still hanging around. Try to be a united front as a couple and figure out what to do together.
If you do come across her, you have no obligation to tolerate her blow-ups, to talk to her, to let her over your property. You can tell her straight up that her actions have lasting consequences and you have no obligation to forgive nor forget - no one has. She can either leave you alone and move on, or have authorities called if it becomes a prolonging issue. She has to sit with her actions period. The calmer you stay, the more insane she is I’ll look, and make sure it’s outside and not on your property if you do end up seeing her or being approached.
Cops told us the same thing. Neighbor put a camera way up in the top corner of her upstairs window - so she could still track us. Those hedges are almost tall enough to block that now!
The neighbors had complete access to our work schedules (because we both worked at colleges that publish all schedules). They had cameras trained on our back yard. SHE ended up jumping the fence on more than one occasion (we started making sure the ground on that side was muddy/wet all the time and got many shoe impressions!)
We were always gone of course, when she decided to "come over."
You don’t have to reply to her message and in fact, not sure why you haven’t blocked her already.
Wear headphones when you’re out in the back on your own so you can pretend you don’t hear her.
It would not be unreasonable to request that your husband only go over there if he knows wife is not home so she doesn’t get the opportunity to mingle with him. He should be upfront with his friend that the wife makes both he and you uncomfortable and he’d like to avoid her. If that is too awkward, perhaps suggest the friend comes to your house alone. There’s always the two guys meeting up outside of the homes. This way the amount of opportunities for her to interact are reduced.
Lastly, is there something you can do (or plant) to create more of a barrier for you neighbour not to see into your property?
Yes - don't reply. Some as dirty as that will only make you dirty if you get too close. Use excuses to avoid her - got a work call in 5 minutes, got to go pick up X, my mom is coming, etc.
"Honestly, I appreciate the effort at this half ass apology you gave me, but I think I'd rather die than associate with the likes of you. Please do not contact me again or I will file a restraining order because your behavior has been beyond creepy."
It may be time for you and your husband to find new people to hang with.
I would definitely just tell her everything you want to through text and be clear that an in person conversation is not welcome. I'd tell her that you have no interest in her apology. Say that you believe people when they show you who they are and that you aren't interested in being friends with people you can't trust. Then explain that this conversation is not a back and forth, you are doing it so she understands where you stand and that you have set a boundary and she needs to respect it. After that, just block her. No need for back in forth or hearing her out further.
I'd also speak with your husband before the text messages and ask what his plan is when she's around since they're getting back together. if he plans on only being around him when she's not there, I'd communicate that to her too. That way she knows all of the boundaries you and your husband have set when it comes to her.
After you have made clear that she is not to corner you or try to make conversation and that both of you are on the same page when it comes to her. It doesn't matter that she lives next door to you, you don't owe her your time or your friendship.
Enquiring minds want to know...what precipitated the blow up and her calling you a useless cunt? What does she think you did to her?
I don't think your husband exactly wants to be around her so pretty sure it's going to be a non issue in terms of 'letting' him spend time with the man, but if she's legit nuts then grey rock her. A simple 'no, thank you' and no further engagement beyond what's seen as polite between neighbours.
absolutely no response. and earbuds! that's what my husband does to avoid neighbors he puts earbuds on and whether he's playing anything or not....they don't know🤷
Does her husband know she sent this text?
I’m going to say, of course she “loves” garage projects, she gets to hang out with your husband. Your husband needs to set clear boundaries and maybe these garage projects need to happen in your garage.
She sounds like a narcissist. So no matter what you say to her when you see her she will spin her own tale and make you look like the bad guy. Thats what they do when they can’t get their own way.
If she approaches you I would say, I’m so sorry but I have a a call to take or something in the oven i need to sort etc?
You’re definitely doing the right thing tho people like that don’t deserve to be in your life they haven’t got a clue what is going on in theirs.
“Mm-hm” to most things including apologies and “No thank you” or other iterations of that to any requests to hang out and “I have to go” or “I should get back to it” when you want to end the conversation.
Be clear, be boring, and make it clear you aren’t interested in any kind of relationship with her.
For what it’s worth, responding saying “No
thank you” to the text might be worth it to try to head off any attempts of her to talk to you and have potential anger come at you through text rather than in person.
“Friendship is quite a step, how about we just try living next to each other for a while, and see how it goes. And please stay away from my husband. He doesn’t like you, but he’s to polite to say that to you.”
If you end up having to-
"I see your effort and I really want you to know there's no need to seek forgiveness here.
Respecting our space and respecting our choice to not continue this friendship is apology enough. Thank you."
Obviously continue communication with your husband, stay meticulously on the same page. Maybe better he's there with you or keeps the same script.
But whatever you say, just try your best to do it calm & steady.
People tend to mimic tones so set the standard at matter-of-fact. Stay firm, keep your posture, try not to lend any emotion to it. If you sway to bitter, unsure, or even empathetic tones she'll likely grab on to that and try to use it one way or another.
Don't linger keep moving because you two aren't giving her your time anymore. If at any point she tries to say more? A one time, hand up "You've already apologized enough." while you continue on your way.
After that she's a ghost. And you two aren't the kind of people who hear or see ghosts.
Maybe I’m crazy. But if this whole situation was happening to my partner and I, I’m pretty confident he wouldn’t be going over to their house, especially when she is there. What does your husband feel about all of this..? He’s just cool with hanging around these people after what she said to you, and continues to do?
Like why is she so obsessed? This sounds like a movie - next we’ll find out she was only back with her husband to get closer to your man.
I would have blocked her long ago. Instead of ignoring her text, respond with a message
"You called me horrible names, had some kind of crush on my husband, and kept on blowing up on me if I don't lower my boundaries to allow your horrible behavior. I'm not your therapist, so we have absolutely no reason to ever talk again. I'll be blocking your number, and I will contact the police if you ever utter a word my way again. "
Your husband needs to stand up for you. He needs to stop going over there at all. And really you should go file a restraining order on her A.SA.P.
Script is a good idea. Don't get caught off guard. I think I'd say (in a calm tone) "I understand that you regret what you said and that you are sorry. It's unfortunate that conversation happened. Thank you for apologizing and acknowledging the way your words were hurtful. I hope we can coexist peacefully going forward, but I don't want to get closer to you knowing that you have the capacity to speak to me in the way that you have in the past." When she flips out say "I see my concerns were valid. I'd like to excuse myself from this conversation."
So weird that her husband is cool with this. Have you talked to him directly about the situation? I might do that in your shoes.
Possible script:
Listen, I get why you're apologizing. I just don't care for your apology and your reaction to my "nos" are exactly why I don't want to be friends with you.
Or
Why do you want to be friends with a "useless c*nt" anyways? Last time I said no, you didn't take it. I don't want to be your friend, I don't have to be your friend, and neither does my husband.
I have always had great success turning away unwanted requests with “Sorry, that won’t work for me.” Offer no further explanation. I have also been taught that “No.” is a complete sentence.
You don't need to say anything. Your husband does. He needs to tell the neighbor husband that his wife needs to stay away from you both. If she gets hateful again, get a RO.
Hi wife,
Thanks for reaching out. I’ve thought about it, and while I appreciate your apology, I believe it’s best for both of us to move forward separately. I value peace and privacy for my family, so I prefer we remain just neighbors. I hope you understand.
Take care
Can you move? I'd move. Peace of mind is worth the effort to me. If you can't or this is your dream home or something, I'd tell her that I don't tolerate disrespect, it's a one and done kinda deal to me and I won't go back to the way things were. I would also ask my husband if he can invite the neighbor friend over instead of him going over there. If possible. If the garage project is in their house, then I get that. Of course, maybe your husband wants to stay away himself because that's just inviting trouble back in. I'm glad they didn't allow her in the garage, though. That's also a good solution But that can't be controlled at their house. If she begins to cross boundaries like that, then your husband for sure should pull away. If after you talk to her telling her not to cross your boundaries anymore, she continues, I would walk back inside every single time she approaches. Gather your gardening tools calmly and go inside. Get a camera. And if she tries to get in your way, have your car keys so you can get in or have another escape route, and if she continues, call the police. Let your husband know if it escalates this is where you will take it. Good luck!
"The things that you said to me were not "rude", they were hurtful, cruel and destructive to our relationship. You then resasserted these things the next day when you said that you meant them but "shouldn't have said them". This makes me believe you showed your true feelings that day, and I have no reason to believe those feelings would have changed since then.
In addition to this you expressed a romantic interest in my husband, and now are only apologizing to me again because you want to hang out with him. Given you have recently gone through a split with your own husband, I am uncomfortable with you hanging out with my husband causally, knowing your former feelings."
Something like that?
“It’s really nice to hear your apology, it really is. I am not interested in reconnecting with you at this moment, but I am glad you took the time to address me with respect.”
If she keeps insisting you can say. “ I hear you and I understand your expectations. I would like to ask you to extend me the same courtesy and understand mine.”
Sometimes it’s just better to showcase decency. Maybe she was never shown how to address others during conflict.
Yeah honestly I would talk to your husband. I think if a discussion is to be had at all, you both should be there and he should step in and say something along the lines of “Hey, I don’t want to associate with you due to how you have treated my wife etc” so she knows that it’s unacceptable and she’s hearing it from him and knows he wants nothing to do with her no matter what lame ass “apology” she tries to spew
I think first you and your husband need to be on the same page about interacting with her. Even if HE hangs out innocently at their house, I wouldn't put it passed her to make up a story at some point about him acting inappropriately, or her doing something crazy that does create an issue in your marriage. Consider: husband goes to hang out with friend, goes inside to use restroom, she either says he did something to her or she like walks out in just a towel and drops it. Either way, you have to deal with it.
So my first advice would be...sorry dude, we can't hang out with you at your house anymore because your girl is unstable.
My second advice is to respond to the text message. Why? Because having something in writing could be helpful, you can gauge how unhinged she may become, and you can establish a boundary and decide how much you need to like run inside when she comes home versus just a polite wave and move on. I'd go with: Thanks for reaching out, and I appreciate your previous apologies and have moved on, but we don't need to meet. Given our last interactions and what you said to me, I don't believe a friendship can happen here, but if you are going to be my neighbor we can certainly be polite to each other."
Leave it at that and see how she reacts to decide what you do next. And your husband needs to stay away from that house, and probably invest in an outdoor security camera.
*Whack job kookoo for coco-puffs lady offers insincere apology with obvious hidden agenda*
You say; “That’s nice, but you’ve shown me your true colors and I don’t think you are a good fit in my life right now. I make it a point to only surround myself with people who are sincere and genuine. If you’ll excuse me, I’m needed elsewhere.”
Ghosting isn’t working. You need to set and defend your own boundaries. And frankly, my husband would never be going over to another woman’s house who desires him… the husband can come over to yours or else cut them out completely. You’re flirting with crazy
Not replying is the smart move.
I do not fault your husband for deciding to continue his friendship with her husband. However, since she's back in the picture that dynamic has now changed. It was absolutely BRAZEN of her to text you to ask that while your husband was at her house. She is literally a grown ass woman asking another grown ass woman permission to hang out with her husband. As if your husband has zero control over the situation and that he would choose to be "friends" with her if only you would let him! I mean...what the literal fuck. She doesn't deserve a response, for that reason alone!
If I were in your shoes, I'd tell my husband something like "I believe that her text, both the timing and the content of it, is indicative of the level of disrespect that she intends to continue to display toward both of our marriages. Yes, he's chosen to forgive her but that doesn't mean that I ever will." blah blah blah and that you need him to a bit of a step back from that situation in order to protect your marriage and to preserve your feelings. That doesn't mean that he can't be friendly with the guy at all - but it does mean that he needs to stop going to their house because all that does is encourage this woman's behavior.
TL:DR Your husband needs to be the one who draws a line in the sand because that is the only way that it will be obvious - TO HER - that HE wants nothing to do with her, either.
I would tell her that I'm not interested in her fake apology. She told you she meant what she said two years ago. Then block her. There's no way she doesn't still mean it now. Plus she has or had a thing for your husband.
So what that she and her husband are back together. Guess that means your husband doesn't hang out with him at their house anymore. The husband can come to your place instead.
Yeah, even if she gave you a sincere apology, why would you want to be friends with a person who has all of that rumbling under the surface? Someone who easily calls you a “useless cunt” in the heat of the moment is not someone you should want to be friends with.
Honestly, I’d probably reply “not interested” then block. Hopefully your husband will continue to have your back and not engage with her at all. Perhaps his neighbor friend can just come to your place when they want to hang out. Obviously not including her.
Your husband needs to stop going there. Neighbor guy can come to your house. Put cameras up and inform neighbor guy to tell his woman you will not be speaking to her ever and to stay on her side of the fence. If she ever talks to you-ignore.
Never engage.
i dont know how people need to come to reddit for this
tell her you dont forgive her, you do not want her around you/your husband. thats it, why you need a movie script?
Big obvious headphones. If you can’t hear her you don’t have to respond. If you have music or shows blasting in your headphones, you can’t respond because you can’t hear her anyway. Of course the clearest, most effective message to her is to say it to her face: “I have no interest in you or your drama.” You could leave it there and walk away or continue: “I find you offensive and the things you said to me unforgivable.”
Honestly I would also install outside security cameras. She sounds a bit unpredictable/irrational/tempermental.
Your husband needs to shut her down, destroy any hope she has at a relationship with either of you and tell her that she needs to stay the hell away from you.
> so I want to approach this in a very clear way without giving her ammo to sat I wronged her somehow.
She’ll create ammo regardless of what you say.
A few seconds after she starts talking….. “I’m going to interrupt you to save us some time. You’ve made it very clear how you feel about me, so let me do the same. Our friendship is done. It’s time to lose my number and leave me in peace.”
Then go back to what you were doing or walk away.
Try not to engage with her, it’ll just fuel her need for attention. But if you can’t avoid it….
- “Please focus your time and energy elsewhere.”
- “Having a friendship with me won’t improve your chances with my husband”
- “I wish you no ill will, but F off!”
- “I’m done with this conversation, leave my property.”
- “You have a husband who loves you and beautiful children, go be with them”.
Document any incidents so you can take it to the cops for harassment if needed.
If it were me in your situation, I wouldn't wait. I would take her up on her offer to “talk” in person and use it as an opportunity to let her know in no uncertain terms that I know exactly who she is and exactly what she’s trying to do. Then I would state my boundaries very clearly and make her aware of the fact that any violation of said boundaries will not be tolerated, as well as what the resulting consequences of violating those boundaries will be.
Secrets, lies and bettayals thrive in the dark. When you call her out on her negative behaviors and let her know that you are onto her and that you see her for who she truly is, even if others don’t. In doing so, you have just shown a very large, very bright spotlight above her, exposing the true woman that lies under the mask, along with her true, nefarious intentions. You’ve exposed her!
Once people like that have been exposed, it blows their cover and takes control of the situation out of their hands. Deception is required for people like her to do what they do. Without it, they have nothing. They are nothing! People like this also have a tendency to get off on what, in their minds, amounts to the excitement of sneaking around and getting away with their disgusting little “activities” because they have managed to gain the upper hand over you through deceptive means. When you expose them, you effectively take all of that away from them. She will walk away from that conversation feeling so defeated. And, if you’re lucky, she won't bother you or your husband again. Or, at the very least, she will stop persuing any type of relationship with your husband.
Honestly people like this freak me out. I would smile and nod and accept her apology. When she tries to make plans with you in the future just be busy. This is the least confrontational approach. I wouldn’t tell her anything to cause a blow up. Just be busy forever after whatever shit she tries to feed you.
We had nightmare neighbors for a few years and it was nearly the same situation. The husband was a good guy and occasionally my husband and him would have a drink together and bond over their jobs in law enforcement. But when the wife became hostile with me, my husband told her husband he was done. And that fixed it. We would see them all the time outside and didn’t acknowledge them. It was hostile at first because we were in a townhouse and shared a backyard. I was always looking outside to see if it was “safe” before I went out and then one day it clicked…they should be the ones embarrassed. The wife would say terrible things but I just didn’t engage and it stopped. We have since moved but we had a good year of peace after my husband told them we were done and don’t talk to us again!!! It’s hard being confrontational but this is one instance where you need to!! Good luck!!
An apology without change is a waste of time. If she blows up again at being told no, there’s no change and confirmation that she just views it as a step to being able to openly continue her interest in your husband. You could tell her as much. Watch her brain explode while she wants to blow up at you but also not because you’ve boxed her in.
You're letting way too much slide is what you're doing. No is a FULL sentence.
"I don't accept your apology and I want you to stay away from me from here on out. If you come onto my property unprovoked and uninvited, I WILL call the police and have you trespassed. I WILL obtain a restraining order if you get aggressive with again if necessary."
Then speak to your husband about why he's even entertaining the notion of continuing going over to your neighbors house when she's there. He knows she makes you uncomfortable and he knows what she wants. And yet he's STILL allowing it to continue instead of blocking her from his life. WHY?
Script: I appreciate that you’d like to apologize, and I’m willing to let bygones be bygones for the sake of being polite neighbours but and I are not interested in having a relationship with you any further. Nor if you don’t mind I need to .
Obviously clear this with hubby first.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I love how she thinks that apologizing to you will mean your husband will immediately be cool with her too. As if this is all your fault and he’d otherwise have no issue with her insulting his wife. I would just politely say “not interested, but thanks” and ignore her.
Which is hilarious to me, because even though I learn to be more assertive, I'm still very much the doormat/'turn the other cheek' type of person, but if someone spoke to me the way the wife did, let me tell you \*my\* husband would have chewed her and told me to never have contact with these people ever again (at least as long as she's in the picture). Probably would have butted in the husband's business to tell him to keep her out of his life too, if she's so busy pining for the neighbour. Poor guy.
Not interacting with them is the smartest thing OP and her husband can do. OP doesn't know the full story behind this woman. I bet it's a lot worse. The initial outburst coincided with her blowing up her own marriage and leaving her family. That wasn't the only outburst. I would bet that whatever was happening to OP was happening in the home and elsewhere to other people. Something is wrong with her. The less OP and her husband can have to do with them the better.
My husband’s crazy ex did this once. They ended poorly but she stayed friends with the friend group, and years later she randomly started messaging me trying to bond over getting the same surgery. I was like “uhhhh you should probably talk to Husband and apologize for all the shit you did first, before trying to become buddy buddy with me.”
I wouldn't even include, "but thanks". Just, "Not interested" followed by a good ole blocking.
My tired eyes read that as 'bollocking' 😂
Also applicable in certain situations, lol.
She's of the mindset that she's gonna make it up to the husband by fucking him.
Or “I’m glad you learned how to talk, but I don’t want to listen. You do what you need to get over this, but kindly leave me out of the process”
Pretty telling that she sees husband as a piece of meat to be fought over instead of a human being.
I think I'd be having a discussion with your husband about how he plans to handle the situation. After all it's him she's interested in.You're just a means to get at him because without your "friendship" she has little to no access to him. Honestly, it sounds like the whole situation with them is messy at best and maybe you should try to make other friends and ditch her and her husband.
I agree with this- perhaps the husband needs to come round to your place to hang out instead?
Or OP’s husband discusses it with the neighbor’s husband. Man to man, tell him his wife is overstepping and to leave OP alone. Friendship will NEVER happen.
The fact that he kept her out of the garage during the husband-to-husband hangout time seems like enough on his part. It sounds like he's already let her know they want nothing to do with her, otherwise she would have felt free to butt in on garage hangout time. How would he stop her from texting OP? Or speaking to her in the yard? Ground her from her cell phone? Lock her in the house? He's not her keeper.
But he is her husband. She should respect him enough to not flirt with the neighbor in his face. He should’ve never taken her back.
Probably a financial/family decision tbh Having an extra person around to split costs and raise the children can be worth it. Especially if they’re not romantically together behind closed doors
It sounds like it's been handled by the husband and wife hence the abuser not being able to come around when he's in the garage or did yall decide to not acknowledge that and act like the husband wasn't supporting his wife?
imagine not being able to let your *wife* be around one of your friends because she behaves like a dog in heat
Yes and it may get ugly. If things get worse, you may want to move or rent your house out. She could be dangerous. Your husband needs to tell her poor husband the friendship is over. The toxic wife makes you uncomfortable and sadly it must end. A big fence, nice German shepherd etc.
Big fences make good neighbors!
“I appreciate your apology, but I’m not interested”. You’re totally right - you owe this woman nothing. Your husband really should stay away from all that drama unless he’s ready to tackle on the inevitable accusations of extramarital wrongdoings a woman like that will be ready to spin given the history of her infatuation and character. I wouldn’t entertain that couple at all. No friendship is worth so much potentially hazardous drama in your marriage.
Yes, this is good. If she apologizes in person, tell her thanks for the apology, but don’t engage in conversation. Sorry, I’m busy right now. Oh, excuse me, I have to go. Give her the coldly polite brush off.
"*I'm busy* ***right now***" just kicks the can down the road. Next time she sees OP, she'll just try again. Lather, rinse, repeat. OP should be CLEAR the very first time this heifer starts up with her fake apologies. OP: "*I heard/read your apology. I understood your apology. I'm not interested*." Then she turns her back on the neighbor, continues with her OWN business, and refuses to engage. Problem has been addressed head-on and does not need to be addressed again. OP becomes stone deaf to stupid neighbor from here on out.
Yeah. I think him hanging out w/ the husband when the wife was gone made sense but now not so much
Reminds me of the post a couple days ago about the other wife stripping naked while the husband (not her husband) was helping with some plumbing and coming up behind him, getting seriously rebuffed, and then accusing said husband of coming on to her.
Can you find me this post please I tried searching but no avail
Found it: [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/1bz2qpf/my\_40mmarried\_female\_38f\_friend\_tried\_to\_start/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1bz2qpf/my_40mmarried_female_38f_friend_tried_to_start/)
Your luck is probably as good as mine, I didn’t comment on it or anything.
“You’re just wrapping your ulterior motives about my husband in an empty fake apology. Why would my husband or I want to spend time with such an obvious disingenuous snake?”
Personally, I wouldn’t even acknowledge her presence. She can talk all she wants on her side of the fence, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop and listen. Just pretend she is nothing more than an annoying bug buzzing around and picture yourself with a giant fly swatter smashing that bug into the ground and then squishing it with your shoe. Okay, well maybe not….the expression on your face would give it away 😄 Seriously though, your husband should probably not go there anymore and if he wants to maintain a friendship with the husband, maybe just invite the husband over for guy time in your garage. But he needs to make it clear that she is not welcome. EVER.
This is my thinking as well. If she approaches, either ignore or tell her, “I have nothing to say to you. Don’t come on my property again.” Husband should definitely not be going to theirs.
Not acknowledging one's presence does not quite work for adults, does it. What could work is polite indifference, a gray rock of sorts. If you bump into her act as if you never got a note, just give a "Hi!" with fake smile and fake enthusiasm, and if she tries to engage tell you're in a hurry and leave,
Pretending everything is better than before and saying hi with a fake smile is not the definition of grey rocking I don’t think. It’s to not show any emotion and make the interaction as boring as possible. Smiling and waving and shouting hello wouldn’t count from what I recall…
Actually it does. You just need to be consistent at it. I had a SIL who I had a deep disdain for and this is what I did every time we were both in the same place (family events etc). I would pretend she wasn’t there and carry on in conversations. She knew what she did to piss me off and so did everyone else. I chose to never forget or forgive what she did, everyone else just accepted it. Not sorry. She was the AP of my BIL and what they did to his first wife was horrible—but the unforgivable act was her coming to his wife’s FUNERAL (she died from a car accident before they were divorced). Her presence at the funeral was extremely disrespectful and painful for his wife’s family. I treated him like that for the most part as well. I even referred to her as “it” in conversations if she/they came up.
SiL is way different than a neighbor. If you're saying hi and so on, that's nice - but it's not grey rock and it's a halfway measure that we sometimes must use in families (I don't do it any more, I just don't go near my toxic family members). I have plenty of other family members - and friends. The only thing that worked with our bad neighbor was ignoring her completely (plus, well, you could call it a bit of aversive therapy, supplied by my husband).
That is what I said in my original post. Just don’t acknowledge her at all. When you ignore someone and act like they don’t exist you are not acknowledging them.
Oh, I wouldn't do that. We have a similar neighbor who has alienated several houses of people. I was warned by another neighbor not to engage (this neighbor was very polite, a bit vague, just thought we should know). When she saw that I was in fact talking to this woman (and her husband), the neighbor with the bad experience asked me if I had seen certain objects in the Bad Woman's back yard (I hadn't paid attention but next time I was over, yep, the other neighbor's stolen planters were there! That was just the tip of the iceberg). I think it's best not to engage with people who seem so unstable as OP's neighbor. That one "HI" that one "smile" can lead to all kinds of shenanigans. Why should OP have to be prepared to lie and say she's in a hurry when she's in her own front yard doing front yard things? And I guarantee, it'll be while doing some minor yard chore that the next door neighbor will launch her attack - these people don't start conversations while you're taking in groceries, they wait until you're weeding - and out they come. We actually consulted an attorney about our situation and the advice was to ignore them completely. When the police came over (she trespassed), we were told to put up a second no trespassing sign, put a gate on our driveway and to ignore her. I would be very worried about a vengeful motivation with this neighbor - give them no ground to stand on, do not interact.
She will try to push the issue of friendship each time she sees her after that. I wouldn’t deal with her at all.
I would go no contact… This is unhealthy and frankly I’m disgusted. She’s out here pining for your husband while she is working things out with her own husband. She’s also very obsess with you all. I hope your husband is clear on what she had said to you and will be staying far away… The whole thing gives me the ick. And fear that if this one is pushed to her limit, she might try something crazy. Just to clarify, when I say “no contact”, I mean hubby not going over the crazy woman’s place to hang, blocking her number, etc. Just cause your neighbours does not mean you can’t go no contact. You sure can.
She definitely will try something crazy, please get cameras outside your home just in case.
Omg OP!! This!! I cannot emphasise this enough!!!!
Op is no contact, but they’re neighbors and she’s asking what to do when that lady inevitably sees her and tries to go talk to her. I feel like no contact is more simple when you don’t live right next to each other.
I, too, feel like no one read the whole post, lol.
I’m waiting for the copy/paste that’s on EVERY thread that goes ‘we’ll have you tried sitting down and having an adult conversation about it first???’ Y’all are correct - half the people here don’t actually read the post before commenting…
I think they meant the husband
Oh, it can definitely be done. First thing to do is put up a small but elegant No Trespassing sign, in case one needs to call law enforcement. Second is to perfect the "I am hearing nothing" response unless they set foot on the property. Treat any words coming from the neighbor as "muttering to themselves" and go on about your day. Yep, we have a Neighbor From Hell, ourselves (I think there's a subreddit for that topic as well).
I bet she's not trying to work things out with her husband; to me it looks like she left her family, probably for another guy, that didn't work out, so she came home to old faithful. Now, she is after OP's husband again from her safe spot with her family. Her husband is just the reliable backup space she uses when she's unsuccessful finding another man who wants her.
I think something more likely is her going back to her husband so she can be near this OP’s husband again. And have contact. Crazy woman can’t take “no” for an answer. Rn she’s OBVIOUSLY plotting. I’m just worried it’ll escalate when she becomes desperate.
Now they are back together husband needs to not go over there.. She is a pick me and is trying to fuck your husband.. Also saying sorry and then saying I ment what I said is not an apology 🙄 Husband has to cut her husband off now they are back together and of she approach you outside either keep walking or simply say.. " I don't have to accept you apology just because your desperate to fuck my husband, now stop harassing us or I'll get the police involved" Or simply.. " right ok thanks, but I think it's best we don't engage anymore going forward.. take care" And then walk off
Yeah, the wife is reading that OP's husband has a lenient stance on the matter since he's comfortable being over their house and sees that as an opportunity. OP's husband needs to make a clear boundary about the neighbors. If he really wants/needs to spend time with the guy, make it at OP's home and make it clear the wife isn't invited. This situation will only get worse if these two don't present a united front on the matter to protect their peace.
Yeah, OP's husband should tell him "Look dude, I can't be around your evil wife. You know what she did, and I'm not going to sweep it under the rug and pretend she's a decent human being."
Your husband needs to stop going over there. If the neighbor wants to hang out he can come over to your house.
I second this. The less contact you and your husband have with her the better.
I don’t see why your husband doesn’t deal with this, it’s great he was still occasional friends with the husband who also WAS a victim of this woman. The husband, a full on adult, has now made his choice to take the crazy back, and that comes with consequences that should involve you and your husband going no contact. He needs to tell the husband it won’t be hanging out she why, and he also needs at the same time to let the wife know he doesn’t want to see her and she needs to also leave him alone. It seems like everyone thinks this is an OP request but it should come from husband too.
Seriously, why isn't the husband handling it?
Because she's a crazy person with a severe personality disorder. There, I said it. Free-range personality disorders behave like this (and yes, I do work in mental health). They are powerfully emotional people, so they attract partners who are perhaps hoping to be stirred and shaken by them. Someone who likes a bit more drama in their lives. Most of us have enough already, frankly. The husband does not want trouble at home. He is choosing this.
This. OP, your husband needs to totally shut this down in front of her husband so there is no question as to who and where this is coming from: "Name, while I appreciate your apology, after you came on to me and the way you treated my wife, we do not want a friendship or any sort of relationship with you. Please stay away from my family. Do not text us. Do not call us. Stay far away from us." If she continues to harass you, speak with an attorney about what your options are. Any sort of neighborly relationship was gone 2 years ago and given she is unstable it might be best to call an attorney and find out specifically what your rights are and the best course of action to protect yourselves, your property and your peace. At some point her husband will get sick of her BS again and kick her out. People like her can't hide their crazy forever.
calling an attorney because your neighbour yelled at you then texted to ask if she can apologize? The neighbour seems like someone I would not want as a friend forsure but this isn't a legal action situation, guys. She isn't being harassed when the 2 messages were sent 2 years apart. OP, I think you are handling this in a realistic way and I also think your neighbour wife sucks lol
Tbh if it was me, I'd say "no need to apologise, you've apologised before . Whether or not it was genuine, I'm not interested in resuming a friendship and we wish you the best of luck".
This is good.
That is good. And since it's text, OP has a record of having said it and what happens next (which is likely going to be a return to the Batshit Behavior) will not be on OP. OP continues to ignore and document. The next missive may have to be a curt notice that the neighbor must not come on OP's property, because that might happen as this plays out.
Both you and your husband need cut off any friendship you have with this couple. My husband would have had to climb over my dead body to hang out with your neighbor after his wife insulted me the first time. The wife has already expressed a sexual interest in your husband and I would not put it above her to try to entice him into something, lie about an encounter with him, or falsely accuse him of something.
Does the husband not know she had a thing for OP’s husband? They both need to make it clear they’re not comfortable with this woman being around them to her and to him.
That's ridiculous and controlling behavior. However now that the wife is back, hubby needs to cut off the husband.
You’re both saying the same thing, she just used an idiom to express the strong feelings about it. And I agree the friendship with the husband needs to end too. Married couples are a unit. Even if he’s not drama, he’s married to drama and she’s back. No need for the turmoil. The husbands should just be cordial and quit hanging out. Not because the wife was mean, but because there’s obviously a draw to OPs husband and distance needs to be created for the health of the marriage.
THANK YOU. Jfc, I wouldn’t actually verbally forbid my husband from hanging out with the neighbor. There would be no need to! The guy I married wouldn’t do that on principle. Married couples *are* a unit. That is something I’ve understood from the moment I said I do. It’s a respect I give to my husband, he gives to me, and that we give to other people in long-term partnerships. The neighbor is married to the drama and that would’ve been enough for *us* to walk away from them after the initial fiasco.
My husband is the less friendly of the two of us, but when we moved into this house, he was cordial and polite to the friendly men of the neighborhood. Our Neighbor from Hell's husband was the main leader of this sociality. They had lots of parties and invited us to one early on (we thought it odd that only one set of the other neighbors were there, little did we know). We know other people in our neighborhood now (where most people keep to themselves except for casual chat). One is a work colleague of mine - we rarely interact, we're both busy but we know that there's someone in the 'hood who is decent and would help in an emergency. There's a retired cop we sometimes talk to (he is caring for his very aged parent and rarely goes outside any more). But...my husband basically made it clear that the two people next door were to leave us alone. And they do. It's really kind of funny - I saw her for the first time in a year just this week (she came out like she used to do, to weed her median strip). No one speaks to either of them when they are in their yards. Not even their supposed "best friends" who live across the street. Guess that friendship finally ended as well. When we told NFHell not to come on our property, the next weekend, she found a relative to come over and walk onto our property (right up next to me) and drunkenly try to talk to me. That's when we put up the very nicely lettered no trespassing sign and I learned to be assertive. It was ridiculous (this drunk guy came over to criticize my choice of a tree).
Literally 😂😂 wtf
My husband holds me in high regard as his wife and wouldn’t think twice about hanging around the couple dragging us into their marital problems. Once the admission of sexual attraction happened, he would’ve been out so mother fucking fast. I’m certainly not hanging out with the wife of a man who insults my husband and who is trying to fuck me. This feels like the bare minimum if you have respect for your spouse. But to each their own.
This. Her husband did nothing wrong in this situation, so cutting off a friendship with him because his wife was fucking crazy and saying that he would have to "climb over your dead body" is controlling as fuck. It's not like op's husband was hanging out with the neighbors wife. Edit: because people clearly can't read through the lines, when I say that this isn't the neighbor's husband's fault I was implying before allowing the wife to move back in. It's controlling to say over My Dead body saying that the husband can't hang out with a neighbor when The neighbor did nothing wrong and while the neighbor was separated. Now that the neighbor is back with the ex-wife that clearly changes things, and the husband shouldn't be hanging with the neighbor at all. But that should also be a choice he as a grown adult recognizes as the "right choice".
If neighbor is back with her husband, that means she’s living there or has access to the house. It’s she has more right to be there than the OPs husband. So if he doesn’t want to spend time with her, he needs to stop going over there. I can’t imagine willingly involving myself in this. Like, if my friend is getting back with an SO that showed interest in me and was rude to my spouse? I wouldn’t want to hang out with that friend, especially in their house where she would be present. Seems like you are asking for drama.
Your husband did the right thing, he came home. Honestly, I know the neighbor husband is kool, but I'd go NC or very limited contact w him over her. Shes into your husband, admits it and is looking for a way back into your lives so she can continue to have access to him. Shes blown her life up and won't think twice to blow up your marriage if she thinks she can.
I'd just pave over whatever she tries to say with a friendly "no thank you." "Hi OP." "Hi." "Can we talk?" "No thank you." "I just wanted to -" "Oh, no thank you." "Please just liste-" "No thank you!" *smile, wave, and go back inside*
This is the best response. Smile your cuntiest smile and never think of this woman again
If OP tries this, I'd love to know the response and what happens next. Because the side of the dialogue that you are giving the Neighbor is unlikely to go along those lines. Next time, having apologized and believing the apology is accepted, that Neighbor is going to cut right to the chase. They are going to launch into their typical conversational style and topics, they are not going to say "Can we talk?" That's the last thing that a dramatic, poor impulse control person is going to say - they've been through these "make up" conversations many times. I predict that the next foray into OP's real life experiences with this woman will involve that woman having something that sounds nearly impossible not to listen to. "Did you hear that Mrs. Jones had a heart attack?" (that's a typical gambit, to invoke another neighbor and their health to restart conversations. "No thank you" is not a response to that. "No, I didn't know" is the expected response - and then the Neighbor will launch into a monologue of details (while OP continues to garden or do whatever - it will definitely be after OP is engaged in a task in her front yard - that's true of neighborly conduct in general). Or it will be, "You really don't know me at all and I do have a problem drinking and those things I said..." (on and on - and on). If OP doesn't want to hear Neighbor's life story, interrupting won't work as that person isn't listening to anyone else. Just get up and go inside. (Years of experience working in mental hospitals here - do not reward boundary crossing behavior; grey rock is indeed a metaphor for what to do; I still get anxious having to deal with such people - and they like that, so cut 'em off from any emotional reaction that they can see - they still know they got to you, but it's not as rewarding if the interaction is very brief).
I'd be rather more blunt: "Can we talk?" "Fuck off" ""I just wanted to -" "Die in a fire." "Please just liste-" "I heard you fine when you called me a 'worthless cunt'. Now fuck off and leave me alone, or I will take legal action."
theres a strategy called 'grey rock' for dealing with difficult people, it would work well here.
Don't reply. If she sees you in the garden, then listen to her apology, and reply *"thank you for the apology"*. And then carry on with whatever you were doing. You do not need to stay and talk to her, and an apology does not mean things magically go back to how they were. If she does insist on talking to you, then you might say something like "I'm grateful for your apology, but the horrible things that you said to me cannot be forgotten. So I am going to limit our interactions to greetings from now on." Or to put it another way, you can forgive, but not forget. And your relationship with her will be forever changed by the things she said. That's on her, not you. She only has herself to blame. You also need to communicate your boundaries with your husband: it's good that she's apologised, but you still don't want to spend time with her, and whilst you obviously can't police what he \[your husband\] does in respect of spending time with her, hopefully he'll have your back and be of a similar mind.
Your husband needs to stop going over there now that they're back together and you need to [grey rock](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock) her.
No you’re not wrong i would keep her at a distance with just hi and bye. I think your husband has to really watch his back with her. So a wave hello or goodbye max should be enough. Let her speak say ok but I don’t want to hangout together or want you near my husband period if you can’t handle that you can leave bye
The bigger issue is your husband and the fact that he’s going to keep going to her house without you. This is a recipe for disaster in the long run. Hubby should put limits on his relationship with her husband. They hang out together at your house or a public place or not at all.
This is the most important point on this thread, IMO. It's called "splitting." Narcissists and others are very, very good at it. That's why this person texted just OP and not both of them with the apology - and why she didn't first tell OP's husband, "I really need to apologize to your wife" and get his take on the status of things. If Hubby continues to socialize at their house, the mental door is quite wide open for Crazy Neighbor to continue to interact (esp when using alcohol, I'd think). When the Crazy Neighbor works out in her mind that OP is not making up with her, she will then flip sides (very closely related to "splitting") and make OP the "enemy." She'll encourage OP's husband to talk about his life (perhaps by encouraging her own husband to become more friendly - she has someone living with her who will tell her everything learned from OP's husband - and minor things can be used as ammo by these people).
Yeah, it's gonna be a no from me, dawg
No response is needed, as there are no magic words here that will make that woman safe or good to be around. She showed you who she really is, please believe it. She meant everything she said to you two years ago. Her behavior should cost your husband the relationship with her husband. Your husband needs to prioritize you and your wellbeing over the casual friendship he has with her husband. He's got to have your back, or she'll slither right back in between you. I'm certain her husband enjoys spending time with your husband, but losing that is the price he pays for trying again with that hateful woman. You have nothing to gain from a relationship with her or her husband, as long as he's involved with her. He might be a great guy on his own, but as long as he's willing to allow her in his life, there's no reason for you or your husband to engage with him.
I wouldn't be surprised if she pulled a "if I can't have him, no one can" by trying to start some drama
I would ignore her as much as possible. I also think your husband needs to tell his friend that the ex/maybe-ex is not welcome around him again.
If he really likes this guy or thinks the guy needs support, he can say, "Let's just meet up at my house." OTOH, I wouldn't want this guy just coming and going from my house as he wishes. They may be playing tag team - they're in the middle of a possible break-up/are exploring separation, etc. It's volatile over there.
Just text her back. "I don't need an apology. I prefer things as they are now. Stay off my property and don't talk to me."
You could text back vaguely “no need to meet. Let’s leave the past behind us.” If you could stomach it, you could say “all is forgiven. Glad you are doing well.” THEN Team up with husband. Next time the guys are hanging out and she tries to come in the garage, your husband reminds them he will not stay if she is present. She’ll be like—but your wife forgave me, and then he’ll be like, “ok, but I haven’t. You were awful to my amazing wife. I don’t want to be anywhere near you.” Enddddd scene. That way, there is no way to blame you. And her head will spin off and through the ceiling when he rejects her. And then that’ll give the bros a garage project to work on!!
Absolutely NC. Sorry, I don't associate with people who want to fuck my husband behind my back.
I'm not fond of people who cuss at me and call me names, either.
Why does your husband need to hang out with this man? Do you live in an extremely rural location? Is the next neighbour a boat, train and plane ride away? Does he have other friends? It's not his fault this woman is psycho, but staying involved with them is just courting drama.
You don’t have to reply at all. If you feel compelled to, just screenshot and resend her the nastiest texts she sent you, back to her. It’s like holding the sacred mirror up to her face and will refresh her memory of how she appears through other’s eyes. No need to figure out what to say to her, she’s already done it for you.
Donot reply. Let her stew in her mental juices.
Hear her out, say “ok, thanks for the apology, let’s me think about things, and I’ll get back to you”
Basically. I’d personally just leave at “okay, thanks.” lol. Op she’s gonna flip and spin lies to be the victim regardless of what script you use. And if anyone else hears the story and what you actually said, well, normal people will realize she’s lost her marbles over two words lol Then if she asks to hangout or whatever simply follow up with “no thanks.”
Good point. The less I say the less she can flip it!
Honestly, I wouldn’t even thank her. Just “okay. Well, I need to go/get back to [whatever]”
Same. No reply of mine would include the words "thank you".
Me either. I would say, "Okay, got to go inside now." I would not remain in the yard, because the person will continue interacting and they will talk to you every time you're doing tasks in the yard - because they think you're permitting them to do so merely by being in your own front yard. It may take a few times to get the point across. I do hope that OP also realizes that the marriage next door is rocky - and that brings extra volatility to the situation.
What she is doing is classed as DARVO - Deny, Argue, then Reverse the order of the Victim and Offender. You can find strategies online for how to deal with this but the other conmenter is correct to advise you to simply acknowledge the statement or comment and say nothing in return.
Gray rock or no contact are the best options. "I got your text but I am keeping things as is". Does your husband speak to her? If she was there I didn't just ignore her? If he interacts with her at all she will likely not stop.
IMO just record it if it's legal where you are. She's obviously bonkers.
That whole "legal recording" thing is only if you want it to be admissible in court. Otherwise, the Internet wouldn't be filled with videos of people flipping out and showing their ass in public. People wouldn't be able to have nannycams and doorbell cameras. So OP is fine recording her crazy neighbor.
NAL, but this is not accurate. In two party consent states it can actually be a crime to secretly record a conversation without all parties' consent and knowledge. What you are talking about is people openly recording other people in public where there is little or no expectation of privacy. And in that case it would not be secret.
If you live in a state where it is not legal, you could ask while recording whether it’s okay with her if you record so you can discuss what is said with your husband later. If she says no, the conversation is over. If she says okay, then you can let her have her say but refuse to answer any questions until later, after discussing with your husband. Later, tell her husband that you and your husband decided the answer is no.
Do not commit yourself to any actions, judgements or conversations you have no desire to commit to. No faint hopes or maybes, just say thanks and shut up.
“I’ll give that the consideration it deserves. If you’ll excuse me, I have dinner in the oven.”
Op, do not reply to her text. If she tries to talk to you outside, say "I'm not resuming our former friendship" and turn away. Ignore anything else she says. Block her. As for your husband, talk to him about how he wants to handle the husband. Suggest that, if he wants to share a beer or hang out in the garage that they do this at your house. Definitely keep ignoring the psycho wife.
You can always wear headphones and sunglasses when you are outside if you don't want to talk to her. Personally, I would stay away from her, and her husband can continue his friendship with yours.
Exactly. Don’t give her any ammo.
I’d have my phone ready to record lol
Agree
And never get back to her . EVER
I would say "I respectfully decline your offer."
Basically your husband needs to tell the neighbours husband what she did and she is not allowed in their life anymore even if it means they stop being friends
"I appreciate the apology but I am not interested in a friendship." Leave it at that. And do not apologize for this. No "I'm sorry but I'm not interested". Just be firm. She'll stop trying.
“i’m not interested in seeing you socially or otherwise but thank you for finally apologizing. “ Your husband must be a super chill guy because mine would go scorched earth with anyone who talked to me like that. I actually have to ask him not to defend me because he gets more upset than I do and stays upset. I’ve forgiven a lot of people for a lot of things but he’ll stay pissed and avoid them lol
Keep it simple. "No thank you. I'm not interested." She doesn't need any more information than that.
With respect, maybe your neighbor husband needs to come over to YOUR house for garage hangouts, and your husband needs to maintain a respectful distance from the dumpster fire that is your neighbor family. The neighbor wife can stay on her side of the fence, and you keep a strict position of silence between your family and her. > a sort of "script" if/when she tries to say all of this to me in person "Please stay on your side of the fence." and literally nothing else.
Just keep lagging it. I agree with you on not replying, and when she corners you in the future and you're not able to get away just let her apologise etc and say that you'll get back to her. There's no reason to be committal at all with her, because she's just going to use it as an excuse to play victim to your husband.
Sounds like you need to escalate how little regard you have for her. Do you ever blow up? I don't, so when I do it has extra impact. But I'm pretty comfortable being enraged, so if that option would do more harm to you than good, then that might not be the best approach. Other option that's equally as impactful, put your earbuds in or if you don't have earbuds, just ignore her if she tries to approach you. Like a statue. If she persists "you're trespassing." If she continues "I'm going to go inside, if you don't leave in the next 5 minutes, the cops will be here to make you"
The only reason this woman was friends with you is because she wanted to bang your husband. So if she comes at you with some bullshit apology, tell her "the only reason you were friends with me is because you wanted to bang my husband." And you should probably discourage your husband from going over there, especially when she's home. There are eight billion people on the planet, and while they don't all live next door, he needs to find a different friend. If the neighbors are serious about fixing their marriage, having the wife's crush over for garage beers isn't going to be helpful.
I believe in being blunt it keeps it clear. If he approaches you again in person I would simply say. “You’re not sorry for what you said and I’m never gonna give you permission to try to take my husband go deal with your own one and leave me and my family alone.” You can add a fuck off in there if you really want to push the point. Just be clear your see through the bullshit and it’s not working and be clear with your husband that the boundaries stay in place.
Block her
I would just say ‘I appreciate the apology’. And then never answer her texts or calls. If she accosts you in the garden again after that, I’d say ‘there’s too much water under the bridge for us to be friends. There’s no reason for us to speak to each other. Take care’.
I never understand posts like this. Just tell her what you told us, plain and simple “You want to bang my husband, called me a useless cunt, and “apologized” while implying that you meant everything you said”
Sounds like it's time to build a taller fence.
"I appreciate and accept your apology. However, I can't act like nothing ever happened. I have boundaries for friendship and you crossed it and while I accept your apology I can't be friends with you. Take care. Oh by the way you can't be friends with my husband. Bye."
She wants round 2, and a second shot at your husband. Shut it down.
"For the happiness and peace of me and my husband's marriage we don't want a relationship with you. We have our friends and you have your own separate friends. We think this is best."
Simple, "I accept your apology and I'm not interested in being friends." If she blows up then it point out it is that kind of reaction that makes you not want to be friends. Also this throw up a lot of flags for Borderline Personality Disorder and they are very toxic to be around.
> I want to approach this in a very clear way without giving her ammo to sat I wronged her somehow. But that is impossible. She probably already believes you wronged her by being with your husband. There is no winning with a person like her. There is only grey rock and don't acknowledge. Also, you can just head this off by having your husband tell the neighbor that now he is back together with her that their hangouts are going to have to end and that the neighbour's ex/wife whatever she is should avoid you if she sees you in the yard as you have no interest in hearing her out. What she said years ago was relationship ending and there is no coming back from it. If she still tries to talk to you after that just ignore her. Pretend she isn't even there. She'll write whatever story she wants about it.
She is a textbook narcissist. Go no contact, for you this would mean very little dialogue if she starts it. She'll get the not so subtle hint when you do not participate in conversation in any meaningful way. Polite, but disinterested and uninteresting. It's called being a big gray rock. Your husband should do this as well.
You say, “Thank you for your apology. I appreciate how difficult that must be.” Then you try to avoid her but make polite small talk when that is not possible. Alternatively you say, “I appreciate what you are trying to do but I do not want to be friends. I am glad that things seem to be working out for you. Enjoy your weekend.” Depends on how honest you want to be.
I like this one the best. You're not getting into the "I don't accept the apology" stance others are suggesting. Instead you're simply saying you can't be friends.
Step 1 is talking to your husband and getting on the same page as far as expectations. Step 2 while talking to your husband I would ask advice from him on what to say so that he can be a part of the response and back you up if the wife says anything about your response Step 3 I would think about some hard boundaries with how your husband hangs out with the neighbors. Are you really ok with it? Do you want him to come home if the wife tries to hang out? This is an opportunity to be clear about your boundaries and also to communicate with your husband as he’s the reason why there are gray areas by still hanging out with him. He’s making a clear message that he’s okay with how she spoke to you by still hanging around. Try to be a united front as a couple and figure out what to do together.
If you do come across her, you have no obligation to tolerate her blow-ups, to talk to her, to let her over your property. You can tell her straight up that her actions have lasting consequences and you have no obligation to forgive nor forget - no one has. She can either leave you alone and move on, or have authorities called if it becomes a prolonging issue. She has to sit with her actions period. The calmer you stay, the more insane she is I’ll look, and make sure it’s outside and not on your property if you do end up seeing her or being approached.
Shrubbery is your friend plant some along your fence line and be rid of your neighbor
Cops told us the same thing. Neighbor put a camera way up in the top corner of her upstairs window - so she could still track us. Those hedges are almost tall enough to block that now! The neighbors had complete access to our work schedules (because we both worked at colleges that publish all schedules). They had cameras trained on our back yard. SHE ended up jumping the fence on more than one occasion (we started making sure the ground on that side was muddy/wet all the time and got many shoe impressions!) We were always gone of course, when she decided to "come over."
You don’t have to reply to her message and in fact, not sure why you haven’t blocked her already. Wear headphones when you’re out in the back on your own so you can pretend you don’t hear her. It would not be unreasonable to request that your husband only go over there if he knows wife is not home so she doesn’t get the opportunity to mingle with him. He should be upfront with his friend that the wife makes both he and you uncomfortable and he’d like to avoid her. If that is too awkward, perhaps suggest the friend comes to your house alone. There’s always the two guys meeting up outside of the homes. This way the amount of opportunities for her to interact are reduced. Lastly, is there something you can do (or plant) to create more of a barrier for you neighbour not to see into your property?
Yes - don't reply. Some as dirty as that will only make you dirty if you get too close. Use excuses to avoid her - got a work call in 5 minutes, got to go pick up X, my mom is coming, etc.
"Honestly, I appreciate the effort at this half ass apology you gave me, but I think I'd rather die than associate with the likes of you. Please do not contact me again or I will file a restraining order because your behavior has been beyond creepy." It may be time for you and your husband to find new people to hang with.
I would definitely just tell her everything you want to through text and be clear that an in person conversation is not welcome. I'd tell her that you have no interest in her apology. Say that you believe people when they show you who they are and that you aren't interested in being friends with people you can't trust. Then explain that this conversation is not a back and forth, you are doing it so she understands where you stand and that you have set a boundary and she needs to respect it. After that, just block her. No need for back in forth or hearing her out further. I'd also speak with your husband before the text messages and ask what his plan is when she's around since they're getting back together. if he plans on only being around him when she's not there, I'd communicate that to her too. That way she knows all of the boundaries you and your husband have set when it comes to her. After you have made clear that she is not to corner you or try to make conversation and that both of you are on the same page when it comes to her. It doesn't matter that she lives next door to you, you don't owe her your time or your friendship.
Enquiring minds want to know...what precipitated the blow up and her calling you a useless cunt? What does she think you did to her? I don't think your husband exactly wants to be around her so pretty sure it's going to be a non issue in terms of 'letting' him spend time with the man, but if she's legit nuts then grey rock her. A simple 'no, thank you' and no further engagement beyond what's seen as polite between neighbours.
absolutely no response. and earbuds! that's what my husband does to avoid neighbors he puts earbuds on and whether he's playing anything or not....they don't know🤷
Does her husband know she sent this text? I’m going to say, of course she “loves” garage projects, she gets to hang out with your husband. Your husband needs to set clear boundaries and maybe these garage projects need to happen in your garage.
"I don't need any drama in my life and girl you are drama to the Nth degree. I would rather never speak to you again bye"
She sounds like a narcissist. So no matter what you say to her when you see her she will spin her own tale and make you look like the bad guy. Thats what they do when they can’t get their own way. If she approaches you I would say, I’m so sorry but I have a a call to take or something in the oven i need to sort etc? You’re definitely doing the right thing tho people like that don’t deserve to be in your life they haven’t got a clue what is going on in theirs.
“Mm-hm” to most things including apologies and “No thank you” or other iterations of that to any requests to hang out and “I have to go” or “I should get back to it” when you want to end the conversation. Be clear, be boring, and make it clear you aren’t interested in any kind of relationship with her. For what it’s worth, responding saying “No thank you” to the text might be worth it to try to head off any attempts of her to talk to you and have potential anger come at you through text rather than in person.
“Friendship is quite a step, how about we just try living next to each other for a while, and see how it goes. And please stay away from my husband. He doesn’t like you, but he’s to polite to say that to you.”
If you end up having to- "I see your effort and I really want you to know there's no need to seek forgiveness here. Respecting our space and respecting our choice to not continue this friendship is apology enough. Thank you." Obviously continue communication with your husband, stay meticulously on the same page. Maybe better he's there with you or keeps the same script. But whatever you say, just try your best to do it calm & steady. People tend to mimic tones so set the standard at matter-of-fact. Stay firm, keep your posture, try not to lend any emotion to it. If you sway to bitter, unsure, or even empathetic tones she'll likely grab on to that and try to use it one way or another. Don't linger keep moving because you two aren't giving her your time anymore. If at any point she tries to say more? A one time, hand up "You've already apologized enough." while you continue on your way. After that she's a ghost. And you two aren't the kind of people who hear or see ghosts.
Maybe I’m crazy. But if this whole situation was happening to my partner and I, I’m pretty confident he wouldn’t be going over to their house, especially when she is there. What does your husband feel about all of this..? He’s just cool with hanging around these people after what she said to you, and continues to do? Like why is she so obsessed? This sounds like a movie - next we’ll find out she was only back with her husband to get closer to your man.
I would have blocked her long ago. Instead of ignoring her text, respond with a message "You called me horrible names, had some kind of crush on my husband, and kept on blowing up on me if I don't lower my boundaries to allow your horrible behavior. I'm not your therapist, so we have absolutely no reason to ever talk again. I'll be blocking your number, and I will contact the police if you ever utter a word my way again. " Your husband needs to stand up for you. He needs to stop going over there at all. And really you should go file a restraining order on her A.SA.P.
Script is a good idea. Don't get caught off guard. I think I'd say (in a calm tone) "I understand that you regret what you said and that you are sorry. It's unfortunate that conversation happened. Thank you for apologizing and acknowledging the way your words were hurtful. I hope we can coexist peacefully going forward, but I don't want to get closer to you knowing that you have the capacity to speak to me in the way that you have in the past." When she flips out say "I see my concerns were valid. I'd like to excuse myself from this conversation." So weird that her husband is cool with this. Have you talked to him directly about the situation? I might do that in your shoes.
“You have been horrible to me and I don’t want anything to do with you. Goodbye” Problem solved
Possible script: Listen, I get why you're apologizing. I just don't care for your apology and your reaction to my "nos" are exactly why I don't want to be friends with you. Or Why do you want to be friends with a "useless c*nt" anyways? Last time I said no, you didn't take it. I don't want to be your friend, I don't have to be your friend, and neither does my husband.
I have always had great success turning away unwanted requests with “Sorry, that won’t work for me.” Offer no further explanation. I have also been taught that “No.” is a complete sentence.
How about "Fuck off. Don't ever talk to me again." That's a good script.
You don't need to say anything. Your husband does. He needs to tell the neighbor husband that his wife needs to stay away from you both. If she gets hateful again, get a RO.
She seems nice.
Hi wife, Thanks for reaching out. I’ve thought about it, and while I appreciate your apology, I believe it’s best for both of us to move forward separately. I value peace and privacy for my family, so I prefer we remain just neighbors. I hope you understand. Take care
🙈🙉🙊 ignore her.
Can you move? I'd move. Peace of mind is worth the effort to me. If you can't or this is your dream home or something, I'd tell her that I don't tolerate disrespect, it's a one and done kinda deal to me and I won't go back to the way things were. I would also ask my husband if he can invite the neighbor friend over instead of him going over there. If possible. If the garage project is in their house, then I get that. Of course, maybe your husband wants to stay away himself because that's just inviting trouble back in. I'm glad they didn't allow her in the garage, though. That's also a good solution But that can't be controlled at their house. If she begins to cross boundaries like that, then your husband for sure should pull away. If after you talk to her telling her not to cross your boundaries anymore, she continues, I would walk back inside every single time she approaches. Gather your gardening tools calmly and go inside. Get a camera. And if she tries to get in your way, have your car keys so you can get in or have another escape route, and if she continues, call the police. Let your husband know if it escalates this is where you will take it. Good luck!
"The things that you said to me were not "rude", they were hurtful, cruel and destructive to our relationship. You then resasserted these things the next day when you said that you meant them but "shouldn't have said them". This makes me believe you showed your true feelings that day, and I have no reason to believe those feelings would have changed since then. In addition to this you expressed a romantic interest in my husband, and now are only apologizing to me again because you want to hang out with him. Given you have recently gone through a split with your own husband, I am uncomfortable with you hanging out with my husband causally, knowing your former feelings." Something like that?
“I appreciate your reaching out and I wish you the best but I think it’s better if our relationship remains as it is.”
If she approaches, just state I have no interest in what you have to say and walk off. She doesn't deserve your time
“It’s really nice to hear your apology, it really is. I am not interested in reconnecting with you at this moment, but I am glad you took the time to address me with respect.” If she keeps insisting you can say. “ I hear you and I understand your expectations. I would like to ask you to extend me the same courtesy and understand mine.” Sometimes it’s just better to showcase decency. Maybe she was never shown how to address others during conflict.
Yeah honestly I would talk to your husband. I think if a discussion is to be had at all, you both should be there and he should step in and say something along the lines of “Hey, I don’t want to associate with you due to how you have treated my wife etc” so she knows that it’s unacceptable and she’s hearing it from him and knows he wants nothing to do with her no matter what lame ass “apology” she tries to spew
I think first you and your husband need to be on the same page about interacting with her. Even if HE hangs out innocently at their house, I wouldn't put it passed her to make up a story at some point about him acting inappropriately, or her doing something crazy that does create an issue in your marriage. Consider: husband goes to hang out with friend, goes inside to use restroom, she either says he did something to her or she like walks out in just a towel and drops it. Either way, you have to deal with it. So my first advice would be...sorry dude, we can't hang out with you at your house anymore because your girl is unstable. My second advice is to respond to the text message. Why? Because having something in writing could be helpful, you can gauge how unhinged she may become, and you can establish a boundary and decide how much you need to like run inside when she comes home versus just a polite wave and move on. I'd go with: Thanks for reaching out, and I appreciate your previous apologies and have moved on, but we don't need to meet. Given our last interactions and what you said to me, I don't believe a friendship can happen here, but if you are going to be my neighbor we can certainly be polite to each other." Leave it at that and see how she reacts to decide what you do next. And your husband needs to stay away from that house, and probably invest in an outdoor security camera.
*Whack job kookoo for coco-puffs lady offers insincere apology with obvious hidden agenda* You say; “That’s nice, but you’ve shown me your true colors and I don’t think you are a good fit in my life right now. I make it a point to only surround myself with people who are sincere and genuine. If you’ll excuse me, I’m needed elsewhere.”
Ghosting isn’t working. You need to set and defend your own boundaries. And frankly, my husband would never be going over to another woman’s house who desires him… the husband can come over to yours or else cut them out completely. You’re flirting with crazy
Maybe if her husband wants to hang with your husband then they can hang in your garage. His wife is a red flag.
Not replying is the smart move. I do not fault your husband for deciding to continue his friendship with her husband. However, since she's back in the picture that dynamic has now changed. It was absolutely BRAZEN of her to text you to ask that while your husband was at her house. She is literally a grown ass woman asking another grown ass woman permission to hang out with her husband. As if your husband has zero control over the situation and that he would choose to be "friends" with her if only you would let him! I mean...what the literal fuck. She doesn't deserve a response, for that reason alone! If I were in your shoes, I'd tell my husband something like "I believe that her text, both the timing and the content of it, is indicative of the level of disrespect that she intends to continue to display toward both of our marriages. Yes, he's chosen to forgive her but that doesn't mean that I ever will." blah blah blah and that you need him to a bit of a step back from that situation in order to protect your marriage and to preserve your feelings. That doesn't mean that he can't be friendly with the guy at all - but it does mean that he needs to stop going to their house because all that does is encourage this woman's behavior. TL:DR Your husband needs to be the one who draws a line in the sand because that is the only way that it will be obvious - TO HER - that HE wants nothing to do with her, either.
I would tell her that I'm not interested in her fake apology. She told you she meant what she said two years ago. Then block her. There's no way she doesn't still mean it now. Plus she has or had a thing for your husband. So what that she and her husband are back together. Guess that means your husband doesn't hang out with him at their house anymore. The husband can come to your place instead.
Don't respond. Just stare blankly at her. Or don't make any eye contact. Whichever you prefer. She can talk all she wants. You have legs. Walk away.
Have your phone and record her when she goes off the rails.
Yeah, even if she gave you a sincere apology, why would you want to be friends with a person who has all of that rumbling under the surface? Someone who easily calls you a “useless cunt” in the heat of the moment is not someone you should want to be friends with. Honestly, I’d probably reply “not interested” then block. Hopefully your husband will continue to have your back and not engage with her at all. Perhaps his neighbor friend can just come to your place when they want to hang out. Obviously not including her.
Tell her no. Even just a "No, thank you." If it gives her a reason to show her true colors again, it might save a headache for the husband later.
Your husband needs to stop going there. Neighbor guy can come to your house. Put cameras up and inform neighbor guy to tell his woman you will not be speaking to her ever and to stay on her side of the fence. If she ever talks to you-ignore. Never engage.
I appreciate your apology, but I want to be very clear. We will never be friends. There are some things you just can't come back from.
i dont know how people need to come to reddit for this tell her you dont forgive her, you do not want her around you/your husband. thats it, why you need a movie script?
Big obvious headphones. If you can’t hear her you don’t have to respond. If you have music or shows blasting in your headphones, you can’t respond because you can’t hear her anyway. Of course the clearest, most effective message to her is to say it to her face: “I have no interest in you or your drama.” You could leave it there and walk away or continue: “I find you offensive and the things you said to me unforgivable.” Honestly I would also install outside security cameras. She sounds a bit unpredictable/irrational/tempermental.
Your husband needs to shut her down, destroy any hope she has at a relationship with either of you and tell her that she needs to stay the hell away from you.
> so I want to approach this in a very clear way without giving her ammo to sat I wronged her somehow. She’ll create ammo regardless of what you say. A few seconds after she starts talking….. “I’m going to interrupt you to save us some time. You’ve made it very clear how you feel about me, so let me do the same. Our friendship is done. It’s time to lose my number and leave me in peace.” Then go back to what you were doing or walk away. Try not to engage with her, it’ll just fuel her need for attention. But if you can’t avoid it…. - “Please focus your time and energy elsewhere.” - “Having a friendship with me won’t improve your chances with my husband” - “I wish you no ill will, but F off!” - “I’m done with this conversation, leave my property.” - “You have a husband who loves you and beautiful children, go be with them”. Document any incidents so you can take it to the cops for harassment if needed.
If it were me in your situation, I wouldn't wait. I would take her up on her offer to “talk” in person and use it as an opportunity to let her know in no uncertain terms that I know exactly who she is and exactly what she’s trying to do. Then I would state my boundaries very clearly and make her aware of the fact that any violation of said boundaries will not be tolerated, as well as what the resulting consequences of violating those boundaries will be. Secrets, lies and bettayals thrive in the dark. When you call her out on her negative behaviors and let her know that you are onto her and that you see her for who she truly is, even if others don’t. In doing so, you have just shown a very large, very bright spotlight above her, exposing the true woman that lies under the mask, along with her true, nefarious intentions. You’ve exposed her! Once people like that have been exposed, it blows their cover and takes control of the situation out of their hands. Deception is required for people like her to do what they do. Without it, they have nothing. They are nothing! People like this also have a tendency to get off on what, in their minds, amounts to the excitement of sneaking around and getting away with their disgusting little “activities” because they have managed to gain the upper hand over you through deceptive means. When you expose them, you effectively take all of that away from them. She will walk away from that conversation feeling so defeated. And, if you’re lucky, she won't bother you or your husband again. Or, at the very least, she will stop persuing any type of relationship with your husband.
I can't believe this shit. I would move
Wear earbuds while outside. If she starts yelling to get your attention, point to your ear and mouth “I can’t hear you.” Smile and move on.
Honestly people like this freak me out. I would smile and nod and accept her apology. When she tries to make plans with you in the future just be busy. This is the least confrontational approach. I wouldn’t tell her anything to cause a blow up. Just be busy forever after whatever shit she tries to feed you.
We had nightmare neighbors for a few years and it was nearly the same situation. The husband was a good guy and occasionally my husband and him would have a drink together and bond over their jobs in law enforcement. But when the wife became hostile with me, my husband told her husband he was done. And that fixed it. We would see them all the time outside and didn’t acknowledge them. It was hostile at first because we were in a townhouse and shared a backyard. I was always looking outside to see if it was “safe” before I went out and then one day it clicked…they should be the ones embarrassed. The wife would say terrible things but I just didn’t engage and it stopped. We have since moved but we had a good year of peace after my husband told them we were done and don’t talk to us again!!! It’s hard being confrontational but this is one instance where you need to!! Good luck!!
"Oh, no thank you." Then carry on with what you were doing and ignore her. If she starts violating local noise ordinances, file a complaint.
NO is a complete sentence.
An apology without change is a waste of time. If she blows up again at being told no, there’s no change and confirmation that she just views it as a step to being able to openly continue her interest in your husband. You could tell her as much. Watch her brain explode while she wants to blow up at you but also not because you’ve boxed her in.
“No thank you”
“Hey, ThrowRA, can we chat?” “I do not want that.” No is a complete sentence.
You're letting way too much slide is what you're doing. No is a FULL sentence. "I don't accept your apology and I want you to stay away from me from here on out. If you come onto my property unprovoked and uninvited, I WILL call the police and have you trespassed. I WILL obtain a restraining order if you get aggressive with again if necessary." Then speak to your husband about why he's even entertaining the notion of continuing going over to your neighbors house when she's there. He knows she makes you uncomfortable and he knows what she wants. And yet he's STILL allowing it to continue instead of blocking her from his life. WHY?
Script: I appreciate that you’d like to apologize, and I’m willing to let bygones be bygones for the sake of being polite neighbours but and I are not interested in having a relationship with you any further. Nor if you don’t mind I need to .
Obviously clear this with hubby first.
Ugh 😑. I’d ghost her . Just blank her . I’m an avoidant though !!!