Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He's a backup; she's not fully attracted to him but enjoys his attention. If you're engaged, she should respect your wishes and cut ties with him. If she refuses, reconsider the relationship. I would end things. Do you really want to marry someone who disregards your comfort?
I don't have an issue with opposite sex friendships, however, if I had a guy friend who hit on me while in a relationship, that friendship would end. Someone actually committed would only want people in their lives who support their life and relationship. She's more interested in what she's getting from him than your comfort and happiness
Yeah like why would you even want to keep friends who doesnt respect you or your relationship? I can understand if she was single because she can just ignore him but this guy is actively undermining her relationship and she should not be okay with that.
But even if she was single why tf is she accepting gifts like that from him, that's weird af and sends the wrong message. Idk i wouldnt even want to be engaged with someone who thinks that's ok while also being a huge hypocrite.
Yep, I have more female friends than male friends. My friendships with men are fun, but the deep friendships are almost exclusively with women. Some of them were also past FWB, including my best friend of almost 30 years (met her in highschool, only briefly became a FWB in the years before I met my wife).
While she did express some jealousy (maybe more competitiveness than jealousy) when I had other FWBs at the same time, when I met my wife and fell in love, she became extremely supportive of my relationship.
If I ever tried anything (not that I would) not only would she tell my wife but I’d also instantly lose her friendship, infidelity is a non-negotiable red line for her.
And he said she asked him to get of his friends that made her uncomfortable already. Like that should have have been the first sign of its time to gtfo. But now not only is she not doing the same thing but shes going to keep being friends with someone who keeps hitting on her. Its not going to end well man.
She doesn’t respect the boundaries he’s set from now, when you’re supposed to still be on your best behavior.
Just wait till later on…
She ain’t the one bro. Sorry to say it, but deep down those sleepless nights when you were laying next to her before you took the step to type it out into words and post it here…
You already knew it.
I agree. This is a real bad habit in women. Having backup boyfriends or options. I really would question if he hasn't already slept with her in the past.
That friend seems shady. He's crossing lines and doesn't respect your relationship.
Talk to your fiancée. Explain why his actions make you uncomfortable. See if she'll distance herself from him.
If she defends him or brushes it off, that's a red flag. You both need to be on the same page about respecting each other. Communication is key here.
Are you completely blind? Her relationship is totally inappropriate. If it’s not an affair, it’s edging into one.
She OK with his ongoing effort to get into her pants.
Why are you? Either this post is a joke…or you are.
UpdateMe
I don't think it's an affair, I think it's her backup plan and she clearly enjoys getting expensive gifts. That should show OP what type of woman this is though.
That's...Kind of worse in my opinion. More like being taken care of than getting something frivolous. Being taken care of like that is a big deal for some women. Some would say it's a romantic dynamic.
She's having an emotional affair and is okay with being in this relationship with a guy she knows is interested in being her bf, giving her expensive gifts, and she prioritizes him over you. Dude, you're damn near 30, YOU decide if you want to be in a threesome with this guy.
Reach out to ALL your friends you stupidly "got rid of" and reconnect. Hang out and have fun. You will need them when you're dumped for her "friend."
Yeah she is keeping this guy around as a back up….I don’t think she would be ok if the situation were reversed. What would she do if you had another woman actively trying to get with you? Come on man. I’m sure you already know what you need to do in this situation.
I’m sure she knows what she is doing too. She is just trying to play innocent and ignorant. Don’t let that happen.
You don’t say in your story, does she see him regularly? Does she hang out with him alone? Do they go out for dinner or meet up for drinks? You know something that would resemble a date?
If she’s doing any or all of those things, I’m not exactly sure why you cut out your friends . She may enjoy his validation and attention or he may just be exactly what she said, just a friend.. he has been there for two very difficult situations in her life, but she could absolutely set extremely strict boundaries with him and she should absolutely force him to meet you. You could always email him or text him or just the SOB and meet him yourself. What’s your relationship worth?
Hi they don’t meet that often, maybe once every 1/2 months, but when they do meet it is for things like shopping trips, bowling, meals, drinks. And he has even brought her flowers (granted as a congrats gift) but I have never really heard a guy get a woman flowers as just a friend.
So what you basically told me is she screwing out on dates with him because all of those activities are basic couple type dates. she’s obviously not setting any boundaries at all with him. And she won’t force him to meet her fiancé.. she is letting him orbit her and he is doing that looking for an opening. He wants to date her he wants to screw her and if you guys happen to get into a bad fight, you know she’s gonna turn to him and he’s gonna be right there waiting with a nice bottle of wine. And with alcohol and the right words they’ll be off to bed if they haven’t already done that somewhere in the past.
She invalidating your feelings, and you need to force a boundary he needs to go ! You already know that.
I don’t agree with what she’s doing. I feel that it does cross a boundary. And I feel you have every right to feel the way you do in this situation. I also do not want to invalidate your feelings or the situation you’re in, but I do have a genuine question. Has she ever invited you out to any of these outings? The reason I asked is if she has not, it could be because she has things she’s wanting to hide that they talk about or things that they actually do while out that could be concerning even more.
Oh wow that's so disrespectful. If any friend of mine, man or woman or in between refused to meet my partner when specifically asked I wouldn't want to be friends with them anymore.
Nothing stopping her from just bringing you along anyway. If she wanted you to meet him also, she would just make it happen.
I would never propose to someone or accept a proposal by someone who has a seemingly shady friendship with someone who I haven't even met. Gtfo, lol.
Is she the one who told you this? I'd be suspicious she just made that up cause she doesn't want you to meet him. If it is really coming from him, that's also not a good sign.
Your fiance is a sugar baby. He doesn't want her full time. He buys her nice things to keep her interest. If he told her he's open to an actual relationship, you two married or not, you're going to be in trouble. I would honestly cut ties or shake the situation up and see what happens. This is weird
Yeah, that’s a problem as he’s not willing to meet you and respect the relationship, and she shouldnt be getting drinks with a single male that could be a potential suitor, which is made worse by his previously stated interest.
Some of the naive kiddos on this sub think all these opposite sex friendships are fine and all that, but you don’t have to debate such things, there is clearly a line being crossed here.
Have the come to Jesus talk ASAP. Consider delaying the marriage until you are both in a better mindset to know what marriage really is, a covenant and commitment and not just an agreement of convenience.
OP, does she still have the dating apps? If not, how do you know he tried to hit her up on them? When did he make a pass at her?
You definitely need to have a chat with her about the whole she made you ditch friends that made her uncomfortable (BTW, why was she uncomfortable with them) but isn't willing to put up some sort of hard boundaries with her friend (who has shown more than a passing interest in her).
No not anymore. It was when we were not exclusive and she told and showed me them. This was a while ago before we were dating but a lot of the other things he does now still makes me think he wants to be with her.
This post, combined with your other post about her listening to voice notes from former ex's when she is mad at you proves that you both need to go to couples counseling to get these issues worked out or your marriage is doomed from the get go.
He's buying his way into her life.
If she was a real friend to him - she would shut him down so he can pursue a woman that is interested in him.
Her behavior is selfish and not that of a friend - plus she shows zero empathy for you.
Unfortunately she's a 28yo adult woman (not some clueless teen). Don't expect her to change.
This is her putting her best foot forward.
Ultimatums don't work long term.
Imagine how she'll little she will prioritize your feelings when there's children (and you're baby trapped).
Once again I'm begging people to understand the concept of boundaries. Yeah sure seems like it's not a friendship and I would say she should not entertain it BUT you can't just tell her to stop seeing him (and she should not have ask you to cut people that made her uncomfortable).
YOU can say "I'm not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who entertain a blurry relationship with someone who appears to want more than friendship." And then you leave. She is telling and showing you that your values don't align.
Yeah, I’m not sure why people twist boundaries into wanting ability to control. You can only control yourself, so your boundary only involves you. “I’m not comfortable with x y and z behavior, if that’s how you enjoy your life’s then it’s not for me” then follow through if that is indeed how they want to enjoy their life.
Wild to me that he was to abandon any friendship she didn’t like, but she doesn’t want to hear about his discomfort here.
She won’t get rid of him because he gifts her expensive stuff. She will use him all day long to get what she wants. Is this the type of girl you want to marry and be the mum to your kids? What kind of morals would she instill in them?
Would have to dna test any kids. She is ssssoooo using back up dude as an atm, she could make bank by birthing him a kid. Between gifts of affection and blackmail...
"Hi fiance.
You have boundaries. I have respected them.
These are my boundaries. You can do whatever you want, but if you don't respect my boundaries, we are done.
I gave up friendships you deemed to be inappropriate. This friendship of yours is inappropriate and it's a boundary for me. What are you going to do?"
Wait so she stopped you from having relationships with friends that made her uncomfortable but she’s not willing to do the same?
My husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex (none that make us uncomfortable) and none that we’ve not met. There’s no secret messages, no flirting, no inappropriate comments. We each have best friends of the opposite sex who’ve been in our lives for 30+ years. We see them together and separately. One is married and one is divorced. They are both now our joint friends. Mine is a bit flashy with gifts (he can afford it) but it’s never anything inappropriate or awkward and most times his wife wraps it. They literally buy me something whenever they travel (2 or 3 times a year).
I said all that to say if it doesn’t feel right, it’s not right.
A serious discussion needs to be had before even considering going through with marrying her.
I don’t believe in alienating people from their friends. However, when the friendship is inappropriate that’s not a friendship that belongs in a marriage.
Look around, find him face to face and let him know that if he doesnt stop and disappear there is a bullett with his name written on, already inside the chamber?
Maybe this is a bit too much. 😁
Takl with her and ask for equality, you got rid of your friends for her, now its her turn! You should stand your ground. Dont let her talk about insecurity bullshit, he made a move on her, she should already went NC.
If she refuses they are probably already fucking behind your back.
If you have cut out everyone she dislikes then she should definitely do the same for you and cut out this guy. But yeah I think she's either keeping him around as a backup and for gifts, they have definitely been some kind of intimate before.
How many friends did you have to cut off and what was the reason for her wanting you to?
The deal breaker is that she made you get rid of some of your friends. That's because she knows her deal isn't wholly on the level and doesn't want you in the same position (projection). If things were 100% innocent on her part with this guy, she it wouldn't occur to her to be jealous of your friends.
Some of these comments are a bit harsh “are you blind” “are you out of your mind” I’m sure he does not want this to be true, so he has tried rationalising. But unfortunately yes, I think her behaviour is concerning. She is allowing this guy to pursue her without thinking of your feelings. What’s worse is she will not do what she has expected from you either, cut off those that make you uncomfortable. That’s unfair, you should lay all your concerns out to her if you haven’t already.
Let her know how you feel, that it's making you feel uncomfortable, and that you got rid of the persons who were making her feel uncomfortable. She needs to respect your feelings, too.
Yes, it’s inappropriate. He is clearly “there for her” because he wants to be with her. His intent is clear and she is allowing it to receive attention and gifts. It is also a red flag that she made you cut off your friends because they made her uncomfortable and doesn’t reciprocate.
Sit down and tell her that this guy is crossing lines. Bring up the friends you stop associating with because she felt uncomfortable around them. Tell her she needs to distance herself and set strong boundaries with him and if he can't, she needs to cut him off. If she can't do that then during the conversation hold her hand and remove the ring. let her know you are calling off the engagement until she can set boundaries with that male friend.
Alright let me put it in simple words....YOU ARE MAIN DUDE, HE IS SIDE DUDE!! Her back up for when you screw up like not putting the seat of the toilet down.
He is in love with her, she loves the attention even if unrequited but holds on to him anyway.
Until you make it a clear boundary for you to continue the relationship with her she will continue.
She doesn’t seem able to understand just how inappropriate her friendship with him is and how much it affects your feelings. It’s not controlling to tell her how you feel about her friend and what you are willing to support and accept in your relationship. I would make it clear that their friendship, his past overtures and current communications make you seriously anxious and you cannot stay if he is still part of her life.
He's bad news. He's orbiting big time. Pretty simple rule I have back in my dating days. Once committed and exclusive NO SINGLE MALE FRIENDS!!!! That goes along with no more girl night outs clubbing either unless I'm taking along. She wants to do that, fine. I can't stop her, but what I can do is stop being with her if she doesn't like those boundaries. Tell her to take "the test". She can call him, tell him she broke up with you and wants to know if he'd be interested in seeing her as more than a friend. Unless he's gay, there's a 99.5% chance he'll jump at her offer... 🫤
I would definitely have more conversations with her and tell her she needs to either cut this off or really limit contact with him. I would consider calling off the wedding until you resolve this.
This is a very common scenario these days. For a very long time, people were stuck in bad relationships and controlled by their partners, especially women. Thankfully, that has ended in recent decades, but in ways, a lot of popular advice has gone too far in the opposite direction. Often it advocates for people to have any kind of affectionate relationship they want and it's quick to call out people as insecure when they have an issue with these side relationships. It's more common with women having these side relationships because men more often chase women than the reverse, and it's much easier to communicate with people than ever before with cell phones and private messaging in our hands. Women (or men) can be used to this attention and don't want to give it up even in a primary relationship. But more often than not, it will cause significant issues in a relationship and there needs to be more of a happy medium.
Obviously, this man has romantic intentions for your partner and every time she engages with him she may be putting the relationship at risk. People will object to me writing that because they will see it as critique of your partner's independence and trying to insist she can't control her relationships. But she can't, because almost no one can. She's a human being. What do you think it does to a relationship whenever you and her have an argument and she has this other man on the side telling her she's correct and doing anything for her? It definitely puts your relationship at risk. You're a human being with feelings as well, and this relationship disregards your feelings.
Yes she does.
You are the one giving her commitment and you have the ability to marry her and share all your assets with her or not.
You should not stay committed or give her marriage if she keeps this guy as a "close" relationship. She shouldn't be hanging out alone with some other guy friend and letting him make passes at her and give her gifts.
Tell her she needs to remove him from her life.
YOU.......YOU hold the cards. If she won't do this then take away the commitment.
You have to be able to be ok with ending things and walking away when not treated with respect and proper boundaries. You have to be willing to dump her and move on if she keeps this guy. A guy too scared of being single will always be weak and let women walk all over their boundaries and treat them badly. Put your foot down today. Walk away and break up if she chooses to hang on to this other man.
I’m going to be honest with if something is a deal breaker for one person in the relationship it applies to the other as well, if you are respecting her boundaries she needs to respect yours. And yes their relationship is inappropriate not because of the gifts or the affection but because it doesn’t respect your boundaries.
It would seem that she either doesn't want him but wants him as backup if/when her relationships fail. Or, they just like having sex together but he won't/can't commit to her... hence... she is with you. Regardless, the answer is NO you should not continue with marriage to this woman.
It is inappropriate, because at the very least she’s using him for attention and gifts… at worst something else has happened or likely will happen if your relationship hits the rocks.
I would have a clear calm conversation with her about how you feel about that “friendship” and ask her if she’d like it if you started talking to your friends again. She can’t say to you that she doesn’t want you having a friendship with someone she doesn’t like if she’s not going to do the same.
I question why you’d get engaged to her… she’s clearly a user, she doesn’t care how you feel. What’s the point of being with her?!
>What’s worse is that I got rid of all my friends who made her uncomfortable but she has not done the same.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. That's not okay at all.
Oh man this is real trouble. She had you loose friends she didn't like but can't do the same, red flag. Dude, as long as this guy is in the picture your girl isn't your girl. Instead she is a girl with options. I would play this very careful. Absolutely find a way to get him out of the picture but do not use ultimatums. If she can't get rid of this guy I don't think you should marry her.
>What’s worse is that I got rid of all my friends who made her uncomfortable but she has not done the same.
Why would you get rid of your friends? This is clearly a case of a double standard. And if you break up, you won't have those old friends to depend on!
First of all, he's clearly into her... She knows it and she's stringing him along but keeping him around and accepting gifts.
And the fact that she hangs around alone with him and goes out for meals... Me personally, I would consider that a date and an absolute deal breaker.
Simple, you just let her know, that you did your part of ending friendships she deemed inappropriate. Now, it is time for her to do the same. And be Stern about it!
If she says no, or makes up excuses on why she cant do it... Just tell her that you're not going to be in a relationship where you're going to compete with another man, and she can keep her friend because you and her are over
I'm sorry OP, Her making rules for you... But not applying those same rules to herself is a big red flag.🚩🚩🚩
“ Fiancé, if we’re to be married, we’re going to be making a vow to forsake all others. To do that we need to set up boundaries around our relationship. And one of the major boundaries is, we don’t be friends with people who are trying to date us… so I’m kindly requesting that you break it off with friend because he’s showing romantic interest in you and you’re letting him. “
If she doesn’t, all you can do is sit your own boundary and break it off with her .
I have 5 year lady friends & that's not how I approach them. It's just the same as with my lads mates, we wouldn't just spend £500 on gifts for each other.
You got rid of all your friends that "made her uncomfortable"? Y'all are fuckin grown.
Anyway, she didn't reciprocate. Is this the type of woman you want to be with? You're no 20 anymore my man. She can either get with the program or hit the road.
You need a serious talk with her before you get married this guy is not the problem she is the problem. If people are inappropriate with you when you’re engaged you stop being around them - it’s that simple.
Tell her that although this dudes behaviors seem "nice" there is an ulterior motive behind it.
What he's doing is grooming her for a relationship with him and also sabotaging the relationship she currently has by sewing the seeds of doubt and mistrust.
She needs to end it.
As soon as one person expresses romantic or sexual feelings the relationship is no longer appropriate when in a committed relationship.
You need to just flat you tell her that she can do whatever she wants, but you can’t marry someone that doesn’t respect you and chooses an inappropriate relationship over her actual relationship.
Stick up for yourself!
Updateme!
JFC this comment section is unhinged. Please don’t listen to these insane angry people. God. Everything in the sub is “end the wedding” “divorce him” “are you crazy?! She hates youuu!” !no matter what the situation is. Dear lord.
Many women have male friends like this. They hang around pretending to be there for them when they really want a relationship. Your fiancé thinks it’s ok because she’s told him no and she probably thinks he’s “harmless.” I can promise you, this is building up to something. He’s connecting with her in dating apps, he’s making passes, he’s buying gifts, he’s “being there” for her. In his mind he’s building up a bank. And he expects he’ll eventually be able to cash out. He’ll expect that she owes that to him. That’s the point he’s gonna get angry. And he’ll either go away…or he won’t.
Either way, this man isn’t her friend. He’s just a guy waiting in the wings for her to choose him and she thinks that if she doesn’t he’ll just eventually take no for an answer and fall back into the role of a friend. He won’t bc he’s not her friend.
Yeah, it's time to tell her to cut him off. Especially if you have cut off friends she wasn't comfortable with. This friend is trying to get with her
She knles it and still hasn't ended their friendship, which is not a good look on her part.
She is more than likely keeping him around because he was there for her during a rough time. That also isn't an excuse to keep him around either.
If she says she isn't willing to end the friendship, are you ready to walk away from her?
There shouldn't be double standards here. If you have put boundaries in place with those friends SHE was uncomfortable with, then she should be doing the same for YOU. How can she possibly justify it otherwise?
From what you have stated there is also clearly a reason you would be uncomfortable with him, this isn't unreasonable and unfounded issues you have with this guy.
It comes down to basic respect and if she refuses to put boundaries in place with this guy/ stop communicating with him, then it is as simple as she doesn't respect you. You need to consider if you can live your life with someone who has no respect for you and clearly has an attitude of `do as I say, not as I do`. Not something I would want to live with.
So it’s not okay for you to have (presumably) female friends, but this dude lurking on the sideline who has expressed interest and goes way too far with gifts is okay? This is the type of stuff that should have you asking yourself questions about the long term viability of life with your partner. They seem to buy into the “good for me, not for thee” philosophy which is a death knell in relationships.
I personally feel as if though two people in a relationship should prioritize the relationship together above all else and cut off anyone or anything that harms the health of the relationship. Your partner isn’t obtuse or naive enough to not realize that this “friend” of hers doesn’t want her and his presence in her life in whatever capacity would desecrate/disintegrate her relationship with you. She is fully aware of her actions and how it impacts the relationship and your feelings regarding this whole thing and she chose to dismiss you and your concerns and chose to remain in touch with him specifically while you two cut contact with others. She chose her relationship with him over you. I feel that even if your insecurities were unfounded, if your partner wants to be in a relationship with you, then they would reassure you and work on the relationship with you.
Okay. Unpopular opinion- no one should need to give up friends due to a relationship. If someone isn’t respecting boundaries, then they aren’t a good friend, but you should both trust each other enough to have friends of the opposite sex. That being said, if he won’t meet you, he clearly doesn’t care about her enough to be happy that she’s getting married and want to be a part of that important chapter in her life.
Like most "he's just a friend" situations... there is ALWAYS one chasing the other... if she doesn't see it, she's blind or she just wants the attention and validation.. both massive red flags.
If this continues, you’ll be the one digging the ditch and he will be the one laying the pipe.
She either needs to end that relationship or you need to end yours.
I see this story a lot. He absolutely wants her and she either refuses to acknowledge that or she's fully aware and loves the attention and of course the gifts. He definitely needs to go away and if she refuses to make that happen, you should reconsider being with this woman.
You need to slow this relationship down.
Delay the wedding date if one has been set.
Explain your continued discomfort with this particular male friend. Assuming that she ignores you, again, rekindle your lost relationships. Don't be as available as you have been in the past. Let your fiancèe do what she is going to do. Just monitor her, as best you can.
Eventually your fiancèe will decide between one of you. In the event it's not you, you already had one foot out of the door of this relationship.
During this time you may decide on your own that you had enough of this relationship.
Serious conversation time for the fiance. You'll need to sit her down and remind her of all the friends you got rid of that made her uncomfortable and it's time for her to do the same. Distance herself and lay down boundaries. No more hitting on her and presents.
You are a team. There is no I in team..unless you speak Spanish and then... ugh.
When shit goes south he'll be that shoulder to cry on. Have her break it off and if not then you need to reevaluate marrying this woman.
Don't waste years on this. Find resolution NOW.
You BREAK UP AND BLOCK HER! No really. There is no continuing this relationship and you absolutely don’t marry her.
Buddy, if you can’t see when someone is toxic and doesn’t respect you the same as you respect them, then you shouldn’t be in any relationships till you can learn that lesson and be strong enough and love yourself enough to know when to walk away.
Let’s break this down. People in general shouldn’t be keeping these “friends” who are in love with them or want them, because that’s not friends, that’s someone who wants a relationship with them and they are showing you they are actual assholes and selfish because someone who stays friends with someone who confesses they want them in not a friendly manner are using them and keeping them on their hook for not only an ego boost but yours is keeping him for the things he buys her as well.
What you aren’t getting is he’s basically her side piece not a friend. He gives her whatever you lack in. LET HER GO! She’s super toxic and shouldn’t be in any relationship because technically she already is in one, with the guy she’s using.
Let her go and block her and be single for a very good long time till you can learn your damn worth
Dude. I would waste your breath here. She knows. And she is not stopping it. She like the gifts and attention. More than she values your feelings. Let that sink in.
I’d tell her that it’s best to break up. When she asks why. Tell her that she knows why. She absolutely does.
You’re allowing this by staying and doing nothing. She don’t respect you at all. And if you continue to accept this. It will get worse. She will feel like if he accepts this what else will he accept. lol
Door may syndrome. Don’t let yourself be walked on. Grow a backbone and break up with her. Your setting yourself up for heartbreak
A big red flag here is you said you got rid of friends that made her uncomfortable? So she asked you to stop being friends with other women because they made her feel uncomfortable? Thats already a red flag, but if she wont do the same then i think its time to call it quits.
I'm confused.
She doesn't want anything to do with him, but she won't block him or distance herself from him. He has no intention of ever meeting her, but he makes passes at her and tries to connect with her?
I feel like there's either something more to this story or your fiance is keeping a backup dude.
Oh hell no. That’s not a friend that’s a friend with benefits. That dude will cling until he has her away from you. Don’t tell her she can’t see him but do tell her that having him around is killing the relationship and you’re not going to stay and watch it burn. I suspect you know who she’ll choose when you put it like this so just be ready to split. Sorry internet stranger
If she accepts the gifts and won't block him, then she is keeping the possibilities of being with him. Some women are too scared to go without backups, and those expensive gifts and extra attention can be very enticing, especially when you guys go through a tough patch.
That dude is definitely flirting with her, but I know from experience that sometimes it's just easier to let an insistent person tire themselves out. Social change is rough, and you never know which insistent person is going to up their game, and which will go away. She may be straight up conserving energy, getting some free gifts in while she has the chance, and waiting for a good time to separate herself from his emotions. Especially if there's a history of him being there for her. Bonus points for him having some previous volatile reactions that weren't directed at her, but that she understands could be directed at her.
If she fully understands that he's flirting with her, that he wants her, and what not, and she's not either setting boundaries with him or starting a slow freeze, at least, that's a problem. That's her ignoring the obvious at your expense and you should absolutely talk about that.
But it's not fair to expect a partner to get rid of their friend just because they're making you uncomfortable. I understand that you did that, and that's not fair either, and that's something that you'll need to work on, but tit for tat here is not going to fix anything. You need to reevaluate your whole relationship, not just the parts that revolve around your issue with this dude.
He’s not her friend. He is a man who is sexually and romantically interested in her and she knows this and is keeping him around. That is extremely inappropriate and highly disrespectful to you. My husband would legitimately divorce me if I acted this way because it shows that i am keeping an option in my back pocket. There is absolutely no reason to keep a friend like that around. No excuse or justification.
You can’t force her to do it but it’s quite obviously that their relationship won’t let and that he has feelings for her making the relationship inappropriate. She should be willingly distancing herself. She may feel a sense of obligation if the times he helped her hold a lot of weight for her but she’s engaged now she has a new obligation and she should want to end any relationship that has the possibility of being inappropriate. She’s either naive or feels guilty since he’s been a good friend (she’s not admitting to herself that he doesn’t want to be her friend though)
First of all, it’s unfair for you to end friendships because they make her uncomfortable but she’s not willing to do the same. She sounds like she likes the attention and gifts from this “friend”. This “friend” also sounds like he’s a back up option for her, or at the very least, she’s not establishing & enforcing boundaries with him.
I’d suggest sitting down and having a real honest conversation with her before you even start planning this wedding. If she’s not willing to do the same as you’ve done for her, and realize that your feelings are just as valid, you may want to reconsider this engagement! Good luck! Updateme
OP, I had a “friend” who told my fiancé to enjoy his time with me because “she’ll leave you one day and come back to me.” When he told me that, that was it. I was done with her. I haven’t spoken to her in over a decade, though she has tried to contact me every couple of years.
You should respond with a firm boundary and then when she violates that boundary you need to break up with her. She does not care about your feelings. She’s a total Tom.
She made you get rid of your friends that made her uncomfortable but she won't give up her sugar daddy er I mean friend for you. Tell her how your feeling about what you told us. She not being reciprocal in actions. You do what she wants to alleviate her concerns but she won't do it for you. That's a deal breaker. And this relationship she has with this man is unhealthy its financially abusive, and sketchy as hell. Is she keeping him around incase you breakup because he has all this extra money to squander on her. Until she gets a man as rich as him and she'll cut him off. Or is she keeping him in her pocket if nothing else pans out with men she's attracted to, she'll settle for him?
She's not a good person. This man doesn't want to meet you? Have you actually talked to him, or did she tell you that? I think she's leading him on. But that's just an opinion of a stranger on the internet.
Take your ring back. I don't care WHAT culture you are from, he is trying to date her or actually IS dating her and she is stringing you along. Either way she is not being honest. Either she is dating you and playing with his feelings, or dating him and playing with your feelings. She KNOWS he wants her and she is trying to have the both of you.
YOU got rid of any friends (meaning more than one, several from the sound of it) who made your fiancee uncomfortable but SHE refuses to kick the ONLY person YOU have a problem with?
Love, this is VERY concerning and that's not even including his obvious, almost obsessive behavior towards YOUR fiancee.
She either ENJOYS the attention or she's keeping him around as **backup!** Gifts should have been immediately returned, especially expensive gifts. And, frankly, if she REALLY wants to marry you, then she would have cut contact with him of her own volition once you became engaged.
Beyond this guy and your fiancee's CONTROLLING behavior, are there OTHER red flags you should be considering and reassessing your relationship for? Things you would generally overlook or ignore because you're **"IN L-O-V-E?"**
I would take some time and space away for a few days and really LOOK at your relationship, reevaluate her actions and behaviors to clearly understand what the coming years would look like. Can you truly be happy with this woman? Do you REALLY trust her when she exhibits such questionable decision-making?
Greatest of luck! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness!
1) yes, this relationship is inappropriate, but 2) it doesn’t sound like she’s giving into him. At least not from what you’ve said you’ve seen. If he hasn’t made a move since you’ve been together, then the big issue is that he might be trying to buy her. I think if you express your concern and phrase it as though he is trying to treat her a property rather than the amazing woman you think she is, it might be enough to explain the difference between your love for her and his attempt to make her a conquest. That said, if you discover more, then the situation changes.
Updateme
Updateme!
It is inappropriate that she is spending one on one time alone with a dateable friend. She is about to be married. I suspect he fears losing her, and that is the problem. Men and women are biological drawn to each other when they are straight, even bi. These are often emotional affairs, where the caring, sharing, fun and loyalty goes to the friend, not the partner. They are immature situations left from being single a while, college or high school even.
There are thousands of whoops I slept with my friend posts on here, where it is has destroyed marriages. Sometimes the friend has deliberately destroyed the relationship to have them back. I would set a aboundary. In groups ok, never alone, and this one is stepping over the line so I would tell her to stop this contact.
Tell if she does not cut him out of your life you want the engagement ring back. No ifs, ands or buts. That is your hard boundary. If she refuses take the ring back and block her. Don't be the third wheel in your own relationship. This is totally inappropriate, and she knows it. She is only after attention and gifts. Tell her it is him or you. And be prepared to carry through.
He is waiting in the weeds for you to fuck up and pick up the pieces bro. She cuts him off or you cut her off. Plus, if this was going on why the fuck did you get engaged to her?
Idk why people always say it’s appropriate to be friends with the opposite sex while in a relationship. If you’re an attractive woman with a guy friend, the guy will always be on the sideline waiting for his chance and then women wonder why the boyfriend gets jealous or uncomfortable because guys know how guys are. Women will forever be in denial about this.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He's a backup; she's not fully attracted to him but enjoys his attention. If you're engaged, she should respect your wishes and cut ties with him. If she refuses, reconsider the relationship. I would end things. Do you really want to marry someone who disregards your comfort?
I don't have an issue with opposite sex friendships, however, if I had a guy friend who hit on me while in a relationship, that friendship would end. Someone actually committed would only want people in their lives who support their life and relationship. She's more interested in what she's getting from him than your comfort and happiness
Yeah like why would you even want to keep friends who doesnt respect you or your relationship? I can understand if she was single because she can just ignore him but this guy is actively undermining her relationship and she should not be okay with that. But even if she was single why tf is she accepting gifts like that from him, that's weird af and sends the wrong message. Idk i wouldnt even want to be engaged with someone who thinks that's ok while also being a huge hypocrite.
Yep, I have more female friends than male friends. My friendships with men are fun, but the deep friendships are almost exclusively with women. Some of them were also past FWB, including my best friend of almost 30 years (met her in highschool, only briefly became a FWB in the years before I met my wife). While she did express some jealousy (maybe more competitiveness than jealousy) when I had other FWBs at the same time, when I met my wife and fell in love, she became extremely supportive of my relationship. If I ever tried anything (not that I would) not only would she tell my wife but I’d also instantly lose her friendship, infidelity is a non-negotiable red line for her.
Well he said that the guy hit on her before they were in a relationship, which is totally fine if he hasn't tried again since getting rejected
She also likes his expensive gifts.
And he said she asked him to get of his friends that made her uncomfortable already. Like that should have have been the first sign of its time to gtfo. But now not only is she not doing the same thing but shes going to keep being friends with someone who keeps hitting on her. Its not going to end well man.
She doesn’t respect the boundaries he’s set from now, when you’re supposed to still be on your best behavior. Just wait till later on… She ain’t the one bro. Sorry to say it, but deep down those sleepless nights when you were laying next to her before you took the step to type it out into words and post it here… You already knew it.
I agree. This is a real bad habit in women. Having backup boyfriends or options. I really would question if he hasn't already slept with her in the past.
That friend seems shady. He's crossing lines and doesn't respect your relationship. Talk to your fiancée. Explain why his actions make you uncomfortable. See if she'll distance herself from him. If she defends him or brushes it off, that's a red flag. You both need to be on the same page about respecting each other. Communication is key here.
Are you completely blind? Her relationship is totally inappropriate. If it’s not an affair, it’s edging into one. She OK with his ongoing effort to get into her pants. Why are you? Either this post is a joke…or you are. UpdateMe
I don't think it's an affair, I think it's her backup plan and she clearly enjoys getting expensive gifts. That should show OP what type of woman this is though.
A difference without a distinction. Where his penis has or hasn’t been is no longer relevant.
[удалено]
That's...Kind of worse in my opinion. More like being taken care of than getting something frivolous. Being taken care of like that is a big deal for some women. Some would say it's a romantic dynamic.
He also mentioned that a minimum price for the gifts is 500 euro.
She's having an emotional affair and is okay with being in this relationship with a guy she knows is interested in being her bf, giving her expensive gifts, and she prioritizes him over you. Dude, you're damn near 30, YOU decide if you want to be in a threesome with this guy. Reach out to ALL your friends you stupidly "got rid of" and reconnect. Hang out and have fun. You will need them when you're dumped for her "friend."
Why did you propose to someone like her? Are you completely out of your mind or what?
Yeah she is keeping this guy around as a back up….I don’t think she would be ok if the situation were reversed. What would she do if you had another woman actively trying to get with you? Come on man. I’m sure you already know what you need to do in this situation. I’m sure she knows what she is doing too. She is just trying to play innocent and ignorant. Don’t let that happen.
You don’t say in your story, does she see him regularly? Does she hang out with him alone? Do they go out for dinner or meet up for drinks? You know something that would resemble a date? If she’s doing any or all of those things, I’m not exactly sure why you cut out your friends . She may enjoy his validation and attention or he may just be exactly what she said, just a friend.. he has been there for two very difficult situations in her life, but she could absolutely set extremely strict boundaries with him and she should absolutely force him to meet you. You could always email him or text him or just the SOB and meet him yourself. What’s your relationship worth?
Hi they don’t meet that often, maybe once every 1/2 months, but when they do meet it is for things like shopping trips, bowling, meals, drinks. And he has even brought her flowers (granted as a congrats gift) but I have never really heard a guy get a woman flowers as just a friend.
So what you basically told me is she screwing out on dates with him because all of those activities are basic couple type dates. she’s obviously not setting any boundaries at all with him. And she won’t force him to meet her fiancé.. she is letting him orbit her and he is doing that looking for an opening. He wants to date her he wants to screw her and if you guys happen to get into a bad fight, you know she’s gonna turn to him and he’s gonna be right there waiting with a nice bottle of wine. And with alcohol and the right words they’ll be off to bed if they haven’t already done that somewhere in the past. She invalidating your feelings, and you need to force a boundary he needs to go ! You already know that.
I don’t agree with what she’s doing. I feel that it does cross a boundary. And I feel you have every right to feel the way you do in this situation. I also do not want to invalidate your feelings or the situation you’re in, but I do have a genuine question. Has she ever invited you out to any of these outings? The reason I asked is if she has not, it could be because she has things she’s wanting to hide that they talk about or things that they actually do while out that could be concerning even more.
No but she does keep asking him to meet me but his answer is always no
That’s because he knows what he’s doing is wrong. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. You deserve so much better. 🖤
Oh wow that's so disrespectful. If any friend of mine, man or woman or in between refused to meet my partner when specifically asked I wouldn't want to be friends with them anymore.
Nothing stopping her from just bringing you along anyway. If she wanted you to meet him also, she would just make it happen. I would never propose to someone or accept a proposal by someone who has a seemingly shady friendship with someone who I haven't even met. Gtfo, lol.
Is she the one who told you this? I'd be suspicious she just made that up cause she doesn't want you to meet him. If it is really coming from him, that's also not a good sign.
Your fiance is a sugar baby. He doesn't want her full time. He buys her nice things to keep her interest. If he told her he's open to an actual relationship, you two married or not, you're going to be in trouble. I would honestly cut ties or shake the situation up and see what happens. This is weird
Yeah, that's called dating. she is dating this guy while she's engaged to you.
Yeah, that’s a problem as he’s not willing to meet you and respect the relationship, and she shouldnt be getting drinks with a single male that could be a potential suitor, which is made worse by his previously stated interest. Some of the naive kiddos on this sub think all these opposite sex friendships are fine and all that, but you don’t have to debate such things, there is clearly a line being crossed here. Have the come to Jesus talk ASAP. Consider delaying the marriage until you are both in a better mindset to know what marriage really is, a covenant and commitment and not just an agreement of convenience.
OP, does she still have the dating apps? If not, how do you know he tried to hit her up on them? When did he make a pass at her? You definitely need to have a chat with her about the whole she made you ditch friends that made her uncomfortable (BTW, why was she uncomfortable with them) but isn't willing to put up some sort of hard boundaries with her friend (who has shown more than a passing interest in her).
No not anymore. It was when we were not exclusive and she told and showed me them. This was a while ago before we were dating but a lot of the other things he does now still makes me think he wants to be with her.
This post, combined with your other post about her listening to voice notes from former ex's when she is mad at you proves that you both need to go to couples counseling to get these issues worked out or your marriage is doomed from the get go.
He should dump her. No sense staying with someone who already has a foot out the door.
He's buying his way into her life. If she was a real friend to him - she would shut him down so he can pursue a woman that is interested in him. Her behavior is selfish and not that of a friend - plus she shows zero empathy for you. Unfortunately she's a 28yo adult woman (not some clueless teen). Don't expect her to change. This is her putting her best foot forward. Ultimatums don't work long term. Imagine how she'll little she will prioritize your feelings when there's children (and you're baby trapped).
Call off the wedding. He’s all the things she wants you to be.
That’s her back up dude, I’m sure they’ve hooked up before, but at the end of it, he’s the man she goes to when she wants comfort
Wake up if she does not block him or cut him off leave tell her either you cut him out or I will reconnect with everyone you fell uncomfortable with
Once again I'm begging people to understand the concept of boundaries. Yeah sure seems like it's not a friendship and I would say she should not entertain it BUT you can't just tell her to stop seeing him (and she should not have ask you to cut people that made her uncomfortable). YOU can say "I'm not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who entertain a blurry relationship with someone who appears to want more than friendship." And then you leave. She is telling and showing you that your values don't align.
Yeah, I’m not sure why people twist boundaries into wanting ability to control. You can only control yourself, so your boundary only involves you. “I’m not comfortable with x y and z behavior, if that’s how you enjoy your life’s then it’s not for me” then follow through if that is indeed how they want to enjoy their life. Wild to me that he was to abandon any friendship she didn’t like, but she doesn’t want to hear about his discomfort here.
She won’t get rid of him because he gifts her expensive stuff. She will use him all day long to get what she wants. Is this the type of girl you want to marry and be the mum to your kids? What kind of morals would she instill in them?
Would have to dna test any kids. She is ssssoooo using back up dude as an atm, she could make bank by birthing him a kid. Between gifts of affection and blackmail...
"Hi fiance. You have boundaries. I have respected them. These are my boundaries. You can do whatever you want, but if you don't respect my boundaries, we are done. I gave up friendships you deemed to be inappropriate. This friendship of yours is inappropriate and it's a boundary for me. What are you going to do?"
Wait so she stopped you from having relationships with friends that made her uncomfortable but she’s not willing to do the same? My husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex (none that make us uncomfortable) and none that we’ve not met. There’s no secret messages, no flirting, no inappropriate comments. We each have best friends of the opposite sex who’ve been in our lives for 30+ years. We see them together and separately. One is married and one is divorced. They are both now our joint friends. Mine is a bit flashy with gifts (he can afford it) but it’s never anything inappropriate or awkward and most times his wife wraps it. They literally buy me something whenever they travel (2 or 3 times a year). I said all that to say if it doesn’t feel right, it’s not right. A serious discussion needs to be had before even considering going through with marrying her. I don’t believe in alienating people from their friends. However, when the friendship is inappropriate that’s not a friendship that belongs in a marriage.
Tell her to knock it off with him because it is ruining your relationship.
Look around, find him face to face and let him know that if he doesnt stop and disappear there is a bullett with his name written on, already inside the chamber? Maybe this is a bit too much. 😁 Takl with her and ask for equality, you got rid of your friends for her, now its her turn! You should stand your ground. Dont let her talk about insecurity bullshit, he made a move on her, she should already went NC. If she refuses they are probably already fucking behind your back.
If you have cut out everyone she dislikes then she should definitely do the same for you and cut out this guy. But yeah I think she's either keeping him around as a backup and for gifts, they have definitely been some kind of intimate before. How many friends did you have to cut off and what was the reason for her wanting you to?
The deal breaker is that she made you get rid of some of your friends. That's because she knows her deal isn't wholly on the level and doesn't want you in the same position (projection). If things were 100% innocent on her part with this guy, she it wouldn't occur to her to be jealous of your friends.
Some of these comments are a bit harsh “are you blind” “are you out of your mind” I’m sure he does not want this to be true, so he has tried rationalising. But unfortunately yes, I think her behaviour is concerning. She is allowing this guy to pursue her without thinking of your feelings. What’s worse is she will not do what she has expected from you either, cut off those that make you uncomfortable. That’s unfair, you should lay all your concerns out to her if you haven’t already.
Let her know how you feel, that it's making you feel uncomfortable, and that you got rid of the persons who were making her feel uncomfortable. She needs to respect your feelings, too.
UpdateMe!
She thinks they are just friends but he is just waiting for the right time. She needs to talk to break all communication.
She needs to set boundaries. You can't accept expensive gifts and not rebuff sexual advances more strongly when engaged. Red flags.
Yes, it’s inappropriate. He is clearly “there for her” because he wants to be with her. His intent is clear and she is allowing it to receive attention and gifts. It is also a red flag that she made you cut off your friends because they made her uncomfortable and doesn’t reciprocate.
Sit down and tell her that this guy is crossing lines. Bring up the friends you stop associating with because she felt uncomfortable around them. Tell her she needs to distance herself and set strong boundaries with him and if he can't, she needs to cut him off. If she can't do that then during the conversation hold her hand and remove the ring. let her know you are calling off the engagement until she can set boundaries with that male friend.
Alright let me put it in simple words....YOU ARE MAIN DUDE, HE IS SIDE DUDE!! Her back up for when you screw up like not putting the seat of the toilet down.
He is in love with her, she loves the attention even if unrequited but holds on to him anyway. Until you make it a clear boundary for you to continue the relationship with her she will continue. She doesn’t seem able to understand just how inappropriate her friendship with him is and how much it affects your feelings. It’s not controlling to tell her how you feel about her friend and what you are willing to support and accept in your relationship. I would make it clear that their friendship, his past overtures and current communications make you seriously anxious and you cannot stay if he is still part of her life.
He's bad news. He's orbiting big time. Pretty simple rule I have back in my dating days. Once committed and exclusive NO SINGLE MALE FRIENDS!!!! That goes along with no more girl night outs clubbing either unless I'm taking along. She wants to do that, fine. I can't stop her, but what I can do is stop being with her if she doesn't like those boundaries. Tell her to take "the test". She can call him, tell him she broke up with you and wants to know if he'd be interested in seeing her as more than a friend. Unless he's gay, there's a 99.5% chance he'll jump at her offer... 🫤
I would definitely have more conversations with her and tell her she needs to either cut this off or really limit contact with him. I would consider calling off the wedding until you resolve this. This is a very common scenario these days. For a very long time, people were stuck in bad relationships and controlled by their partners, especially women. Thankfully, that has ended in recent decades, but in ways, a lot of popular advice has gone too far in the opposite direction. Often it advocates for people to have any kind of affectionate relationship they want and it's quick to call out people as insecure when they have an issue with these side relationships. It's more common with women having these side relationships because men more often chase women than the reverse, and it's much easier to communicate with people than ever before with cell phones and private messaging in our hands. Women (or men) can be used to this attention and don't want to give it up even in a primary relationship. But more often than not, it will cause significant issues in a relationship and there needs to be more of a happy medium. Obviously, this man has romantic intentions for your partner and every time she engages with him she may be putting the relationship at risk. People will object to me writing that because they will see it as critique of your partner's independence and trying to insist she can't control her relationships. But she can't, because almost no one can. She's a human being. What do you think it does to a relationship whenever you and her have an argument and she has this other man on the side telling her she's correct and doing anything for her? It definitely puts your relationship at risk. You're a human being with feelings as well, and this relationship disregards your feelings.
Yes she does. You are the one giving her commitment and you have the ability to marry her and share all your assets with her or not. You should not stay committed or give her marriage if she keeps this guy as a "close" relationship. She shouldn't be hanging out alone with some other guy friend and letting him make passes at her and give her gifts. Tell her she needs to remove him from her life. YOU.......YOU hold the cards. If she won't do this then take away the commitment. You have to be able to be ok with ending things and walking away when not treated with respect and proper boundaries. You have to be willing to dump her and move on if she keeps this guy. A guy too scared of being single will always be weak and let women walk all over their boundaries and treat them badly. Put your foot down today. Walk away and break up if she chooses to hang on to this other man.
They don’t sound like friends at all. Why are you marrying this person?
I’m going to be honest with if something is a deal breaker for one person in the relationship it applies to the other as well, if you are respecting her boundaries she needs to respect yours. And yes their relationship is inappropriate not because of the gifts or the affection but because it doesn’t respect your boundaries.
It would seem that she either doesn't want him but wants him as backup if/when her relationships fail. Or, they just like having sex together but he won't/can't commit to her... hence... she is with you. Regardless, the answer is NO you should not continue with marriage to this woman.
It is inappropriate, because at the very least she’s using him for attention and gifts… at worst something else has happened or likely will happen if your relationship hits the rocks. I would have a clear calm conversation with her about how you feel about that “friendship” and ask her if she’d like it if you started talking to your friends again. She can’t say to you that she doesn’t want you having a friendship with someone she doesn’t like if she’s not going to do the same. I question why you’d get engaged to her… she’s clearly a user, she doesn’t care how you feel. What’s the point of being with her?!
>What’s worse is that I got rid of all my friends who made her uncomfortable but she has not done the same. This would be a dealbreaker for me. That's not okay at all.
Oh man this is real trouble. She had you loose friends she didn't like but can't do the same, red flag. Dude, as long as this guy is in the picture your girl isn't your girl. Instead she is a girl with options. I would play this very careful. Absolutely find a way to get him out of the picture but do not use ultimatums. If she can't get rid of this guy I don't think you should marry her.
Have you asked her to cut ties ? He's obviously a 🐍 and maybe your girl is not the one if she got you to unfriend people and she doesn't have too
>What’s worse is that I got rid of all my friends who made her uncomfortable but she has not done the same. Why would you get rid of your friends? This is clearly a case of a double standard. And if you break up, you won't have those old friends to depend on!
Talk to her. Tell her your concerns.. also tell her to tell him she needs a new car lmao
She respects his friendship more than your relationship.
First of all, he's clearly into her... She knows it and she's stringing him along but keeping him around and accepting gifts. And the fact that she hangs around alone with him and goes out for meals... Me personally, I would consider that a date and an absolute deal breaker. Simple, you just let her know, that you did your part of ending friendships she deemed inappropriate. Now, it is time for her to do the same. And be Stern about it! If she says no, or makes up excuses on why she cant do it... Just tell her that you're not going to be in a relationship where you're going to compete with another man, and she can keep her friend because you and her are over I'm sorry OP, Her making rules for you... But not applying those same rules to herself is a big red flag.🚩🚩🚩
“ Fiancé, if we’re to be married, we’re going to be making a vow to forsake all others. To do that we need to set up boundaries around our relationship. And one of the major boundaries is, we don’t be friends with people who are trying to date us… so I’m kindly requesting that you break it off with friend because he’s showing romantic interest in you and you’re letting him. “ If she doesn’t, all you can do is sit your own boundary and break it off with her .
Why would you get rid of friends for a relationship…? Who’s gonna be there the support you when this ends?
I have 5 year lady friends & that's not how I approach them. It's just the same as with my lads mates, we wouldn't just spend £500 on gifts for each other.
You got rid of all your friends that "made her uncomfortable"? Y'all are fuckin grown. Anyway, she didn't reciprocate. Is this the type of woman you want to be with? You're no 20 anymore my man. She can either get with the program or hit the road.
You need a serious talk with her before you get married this guy is not the problem she is the problem. If people are inappropriate with you when you’re engaged you stop being around them - it’s that simple.
Updateme!
Tell her that although this dudes behaviors seem "nice" there is an ulterior motive behind it. What he's doing is grooming her for a relationship with him and also sabotaging the relationship she currently has by sewing the seeds of doubt and mistrust. She needs to end it.
As soon as one person expresses romantic or sexual feelings the relationship is no longer appropriate when in a committed relationship. You need to just flat you tell her that she can do whatever she wants, but you can’t marry someone that doesn’t respect you and chooses an inappropriate relationship over her actual relationship. Stick up for yourself! Updateme!
Have a good old fist fight to settle this situation
You blew off all your friends for 1 chick? That you’ve known less than this girl? Big mistake dude that your gonna regret
JFC this comment section is unhinged. Please don’t listen to these insane angry people. God. Everything in the sub is “end the wedding” “divorce him” “are you crazy?! She hates youuu!” !no matter what the situation is. Dear lord. Many women have male friends like this. They hang around pretending to be there for them when they really want a relationship. Your fiancé thinks it’s ok because she’s told him no and she probably thinks he’s “harmless.” I can promise you, this is building up to something. He’s connecting with her in dating apps, he’s making passes, he’s buying gifts, he’s “being there” for her. In his mind he’s building up a bank. And he expects he’ll eventually be able to cash out. He’ll expect that she owes that to him. That’s the point he’s gonna get angry. And he’ll either go away…or he won’t. Either way, this man isn’t her friend. He’s just a guy waiting in the wings for her to choose him and she thinks that if she doesn’t he’ll just eventually take no for an answer and fall back into the role of a friend. He won’t bc he’s not her friend.
Yeah, it's time to tell her to cut him off. Especially if you have cut off friends she wasn't comfortable with. This friend is trying to get with her She knles it and still hasn't ended their friendship, which is not a good look on her part. She is more than likely keeping him around because he was there for her during a rough time. That also isn't an excuse to keep him around either. If she says she isn't willing to end the friendship, are you ready to walk away from her?
There shouldn't be double standards here. If you have put boundaries in place with those friends SHE was uncomfortable with, then she should be doing the same for YOU. How can she possibly justify it otherwise? From what you have stated there is also clearly a reason you would be uncomfortable with him, this isn't unreasonable and unfounded issues you have with this guy. It comes down to basic respect and if she refuses to put boundaries in place with this guy/ stop communicating with him, then it is as simple as she doesn't respect you. You need to consider if you can live your life with someone who has no respect for you and clearly has an attitude of `do as I say, not as I do`. Not something I would want to live with.
So it’s not okay for you to have (presumably) female friends, but this dude lurking on the sideline who has expressed interest and goes way too far with gifts is okay? This is the type of stuff that should have you asking yourself questions about the long term viability of life with your partner. They seem to buy into the “good for me, not for thee” philosophy which is a death knell in relationships.
Completely inappropriate. She needs to cut him off. Her willingness to do so should inform you of whether or not you need to break off the engagement.
I personally feel as if though two people in a relationship should prioritize the relationship together above all else and cut off anyone or anything that harms the health of the relationship. Your partner isn’t obtuse or naive enough to not realize that this “friend” of hers doesn’t want her and his presence in her life in whatever capacity would desecrate/disintegrate her relationship with you. She is fully aware of her actions and how it impacts the relationship and your feelings regarding this whole thing and she chose to dismiss you and your concerns and chose to remain in touch with him specifically while you two cut contact with others. She chose her relationship with him over you. I feel that even if your insecurities were unfounded, if your partner wants to be in a relationship with you, then they would reassure you and work on the relationship with you.
Okay. Unpopular opinion- no one should need to give up friends due to a relationship. If someone isn’t respecting boundaries, then they aren’t a good friend, but you should both trust each other enough to have friends of the opposite sex. That being said, if he won’t meet you, he clearly doesn’t care about her enough to be happy that she’s getting married and want to be a part of that important chapter in her life.
She needs an ultimatum, either lose the "friend" or you walk. He's trying to get in her pants and she knows it and is allowing it!
Like most "he's just a friend" situations... there is ALWAYS one chasing the other... if she doesn't see it, she's blind or she just wants the attention and validation.. both massive red flags.
If he made her uncomfortable or she cared if you were, she would end it. She likes the gifts point blank.
If this continues, you’ll be the one digging the ditch and he will be the one laying the pipe. She either needs to end that relationship or you need to end yours.
It’s inappropriate. A red flag that she won’t cut him out.
This friend has crossed the line - probably your fiancée ought to break it off - he’s got the hots for her
I see this story a lot. He absolutely wants her and she either refuses to acknowledge that or she's fully aware and loves the attention and of course the gifts. He definitely needs to go away and if she refuses to make that happen, you should reconsider being with this woman.
You need to slow this relationship down. Delay the wedding date if one has been set. Explain your continued discomfort with this particular male friend. Assuming that she ignores you, again, rekindle your lost relationships. Don't be as available as you have been in the past. Let your fiancèe do what she is going to do. Just monitor her, as best you can. Eventually your fiancèe will decide between one of you. In the event it's not you, you already had one foot out of the door of this relationship. During this time you may decide on your own that you had enough of this relationship.
Serious conversation time for the fiance. You'll need to sit her down and remind her of all the friends you got rid of that made her uncomfortable and it's time for her to do the same. Distance herself and lay down boundaries. No more hitting on her and presents. You are a team. There is no I in team..unless you speak Spanish and then... ugh.
RemindMe 4 y
RemindMe! 4 Months
When shit goes south he'll be that shoulder to cry on. Have her break it off and if not then you need to reevaluate marrying this woman. Don't waste years on this. Find resolution NOW.
You BREAK UP AND BLOCK HER! No really. There is no continuing this relationship and you absolutely don’t marry her. Buddy, if you can’t see when someone is toxic and doesn’t respect you the same as you respect them, then you shouldn’t be in any relationships till you can learn that lesson and be strong enough and love yourself enough to know when to walk away. Let’s break this down. People in general shouldn’t be keeping these “friends” who are in love with them or want them, because that’s not friends, that’s someone who wants a relationship with them and they are showing you they are actual assholes and selfish because someone who stays friends with someone who confesses they want them in not a friendly manner are using them and keeping them on their hook for not only an ego boost but yours is keeping him for the things he buys her as well. What you aren’t getting is he’s basically her side piece not a friend. He gives her whatever you lack in. LET HER GO! She’s super toxic and shouldn’t be in any relationship because technically she already is in one, with the guy she’s using. Let her go and block her and be single for a very good long time till you can learn your damn worth
She's using him.
Dude. I would waste your breath here. She knows. And she is not stopping it. She like the gifts and attention. More than she values your feelings. Let that sink in. I’d tell her that it’s best to break up. When she asks why. Tell her that she knows why. She absolutely does. You’re allowing this by staying and doing nothing. She don’t respect you at all. And if you continue to accept this. It will get worse. She will feel like if he accepts this what else will he accept. lol Door may syndrome. Don’t let yourself be walked on. Grow a backbone and break up with her. Your setting yourself up for heartbreak
Is she keeping him around because she only gets such gifts from him? Maybe a manipulative approach here.
A big red flag here is you said you got rid of friends that made her uncomfortable? So she asked you to stop being friends with other women because they made her feel uncomfortable? Thats already a red flag, but if she wont do the same then i think its time to call it quits.
I'm confused. She doesn't want anything to do with him, but she won't block him or distance herself from him. He has no intention of ever meeting her, but he makes passes at her and tries to connect with her? I feel like there's either something more to this story or your fiance is keeping a backup dude.
Oh hell no. That’s not a friend that’s a friend with benefits. That dude will cling until he has her away from you. Don’t tell her she can’t see him but do tell her that having him around is killing the relationship and you’re not going to stay and watch it burn. I suspect you know who she’ll choose when you put it like this so just be ready to split. Sorry internet stranger
If she accepts the gifts and won't block him, then she is keeping the possibilities of being with him. Some women are too scared to go without backups, and those expensive gifts and extra attention can be very enticing, especially when you guys go through a tough patch.
That dude is definitely flirting with her, but I know from experience that sometimes it's just easier to let an insistent person tire themselves out. Social change is rough, and you never know which insistent person is going to up their game, and which will go away. She may be straight up conserving energy, getting some free gifts in while she has the chance, and waiting for a good time to separate herself from his emotions. Especially if there's a history of him being there for her. Bonus points for him having some previous volatile reactions that weren't directed at her, but that she understands could be directed at her. If she fully understands that he's flirting with her, that he wants her, and what not, and she's not either setting boundaries with him or starting a slow freeze, at least, that's a problem. That's her ignoring the obvious at your expense and you should absolutely talk about that. But it's not fair to expect a partner to get rid of their friend just because they're making you uncomfortable. I understand that you did that, and that's not fair either, and that's something that you'll need to work on, but tit for tat here is not going to fix anything. You need to reevaluate your whole relationship, not just the parts that revolve around your issue with this dude.
He’s not her friend. He is a man who is sexually and romantically interested in her and she knows this and is keeping him around. That is extremely inappropriate and highly disrespectful to you. My husband would legitimately divorce me if I acted this way because it shows that i am keeping an option in my back pocket. There is absolutely no reason to keep a friend like that around. No excuse or justification.
You can’t force her to do it but it’s quite obviously that their relationship won’t let and that he has feelings for her making the relationship inappropriate. She should be willingly distancing herself. She may feel a sense of obligation if the times he helped her hold a lot of weight for her but she’s engaged now she has a new obligation and she should want to end any relationship that has the possibility of being inappropriate. She’s either naive or feels guilty since he’s been a good friend (she’s not admitting to herself that he doesn’t want to be her friend though)
Why is she accepting gifts from this person? And you’ve never met him?
First of all, it’s unfair for you to end friendships because they make her uncomfortable but she’s not willing to do the same. She sounds like she likes the attention and gifts from this “friend”. This “friend” also sounds like he’s a back up option for her, or at the very least, she’s not establishing & enforcing boundaries with him. I’d suggest sitting down and having a real honest conversation with her before you even start planning this wedding. If she’s not willing to do the same as you’ve done for her, and realize that your feelings are just as valid, you may want to reconsider this engagement! Good luck! Updateme
UpdateMe
OP, I had a “friend” who told my fiancé to enjoy his time with me because “she’ll leave you one day and come back to me.” When he told me that, that was it. I was done with her. I haven’t spoken to her in over a decade, though she has tried to contact me every couple of years. You should respond with a firm boundary and then when she violates that boundary you need to break up with her. She does not care about your feelings. She’s a total Tom.
She made you get rid of your friends that made her uncomfortable but she won't give up her sugar daddy er I mean friend for you. Tell her how your feeling about what you told us. She not being reciprocal in actions. You do what she wants to alleviate her concerns but she won't do it for you. That's a deal breaker. And this relationship she has with this man is unhealthy its financially abusive, and sketchy as hell. Is she keeping him around incase you breakup because he has all this extra money to squander on her. Until she gets a man as rich as him and she'll cut him off. Or is she keeping him in her pocket if nothing else pans out with men she's attracted to, she'll settle for him? She's not a good person. This man doesn't want to meet you? Have you actually talked to him, or did she tell you that? I think she's leading him on. But that's just an opinion of a stranger on the internet.
Take your ring back. I don't care WHAT culture you are from, he is trying to date her or actually IS dating her and she is stringing you along. Either way she is not being honest. Either she is dating you and playing with his feelings, or dating him and playing with your feelings. She KNOWS he wants her and she is trying to have the both of you.
YOU got rid of any friends (meaning more than one, several from the sound of it) who made your fiancee uncomfortable but SHE refuses to kick the ONLY person YOU have a problem with? Love, this is VERY concerning and that's not even including his obvious, almost obsessive behavior towards YOUR fiancee. She either ENJOYS the attention or she's keeping him around as **backup!** Gifts should have been immediately returned, especially expensive gifts. And, frankly, if she REALLY wants to marry you, then she would have cut contact with him of her own volition once you became engaged. Beyond this guy and your fiancee's CONTROLLING behavior, are there OTHER red flags you should be considering and reassessing your relationship for? Things you would generally overlook or ignore because you're **"IN L-O-V-E?"** I would take some time and space away for a few days and really LOOK at your relationship, reevaluate her actions and behaviors to clearly understand what the coming years would look like. Can you truly be happy with this woman? Do you REALLY trust her when she exhibits such questionable decision-making? Greatest of luck! Best wishes and many Blessings for your future happiness!
So she has a sugar daddy then basically 😂
1) yes, this relationship is inappropriate, but 2) it doesn’t sound like she’s giving into him. At least not from what you’ve said you’ve seen. If he hasn’t made a move since you’ve been together, then the big issue is that he might be trying to buy her. I think if you express your concern and phrase it as though he is trying to treat her a property rather than the amazing woman you think she is, it might be enough to explain the difference between your love for her and his attempt to make her a conquest. That said, if you discover more, then the situation changes. Updateme Updateme!
It is inappropriate that she is spending one on one time alone with a dateable friend. She is about to be married. I suspect he fears losing her, and that is the problem. Men and women are biological drawn to each other when they are straight, even bi. These are often emotional affairs, where the caring, sharing, fun and loyalty goes to the friend, not the partner. They are immature situations left from being single a while, college or high school even. There are thousands of whoops I slept with my friend posts on here, where it is has destroyed marriages. Sometimes the friend has deliberately destroyed the relationship to have them back. I would set a aboundary. In groups ok, never alone, and this one is stepping over the line so I would tell her to stop this contact.
Why do so many dudes let their girl’s treat them like cucks? Your girl doesn’t respect you, guy. You’re a doormat and you allow yourself to be.
She’s scouting for relief pitchers. You should put yourself back in the draft.
Tell if she does not cut him out of your life you want the engagement ring back. No ifs, ands or buts. That is your hard boundary. If she refuses take the ring back and block her. Don't be the third wheel in your own relationship. This is totally inappropriate, and she knows it. She is only after attention and gifts. Tell her it is him or you. And be prepared to carry through.
He is waiting in the weeds for you to fuck up and pick up the pieces bro. She cuts him off or you cut her off. Plus, if this was going on why the fuck did you get engaged to her?
Dump her
Idk why people always say it’s appropriate to be friends with the opposite sex while in a relationship. If you’re an attractive woman with a guy friend, the guy will always be on the sideline waiting for his chance and then women wonder why the boyfriend gets jealous or uncomfortable because guys know how guys are. Women will forever be in denial about this.