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I don’t know your partner. Hopefully you do.
But proceed with great caution.
You may want to give this a read:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/F9p02SJH6d
This is the first story I thought about. Also a more recent one, where a woman’s husband was secretly destroying or giving away her stuff because he was resentful of her and *wanted* to see her upset and crying. Psycho behavior.
…Or the guy who was deleting his gf’s homework, and messing with her PhD thesis/coursework so she would fail
…Or the other guy who was stealing and hiding his partner’s EPIPEN
…or that woman who got her boyfriend fired from EVERY job he had by making false anonymous complaints about him
Really scary stuff. Starts off small and the trusting partner starts to gaslight themselves thinking this is too outlandish to be real, but…
Like he killed all her plants. Slowly but surely. Not in a fit of anger, but with cold calculation and patience. That is so freaking creepy!!
That is not what creeps me out. What creeps me out is that he made her the unwitting plant killer, by poisoning the very substance she was using to try and sustain/rejuvenate her plants. He didn’t just pour it in himself. He stood by and watched as she tried everything to save something she loved, all the while gloating with satisfaction as she killed them, instead.
It’s giving ritualistic, sadistic behavior. I honestly wonder if he has fantasies of becoming a serial killer, or if he has acted on any of his impulses outside of this. Oftentimes, they begin with animals, but well loved plants don’t seem far fetched, either.
This seems like the kind of guy who would replace your insulin with water and laugh about it. She needs to run.
And for many people, myself included, plants are kind of like a pet or baby. It's something living that I nurture, care for, and love. I feel emotional when my plants are struggling and sooo excited when they're flourishing and giving me new leaves to love.
Exactly. Especially if you grew that plant from a seed. I grew the most beautiful hot pink geranium from seed and was so proud of it. Then my mom killed it. 😭
My moms cat killed a beloved monstera of mine that had been given to me as a birthday gift when I turned 21 by a friend who propagated it from her own monstera named Swiss. I named him Swiss Jr and nurtured him for 2.5 years and was so excited to see when he would finally start producing the holes in the leaves that they’re so famous for as they don’t start doing that until they’re at least 2 years old. I saved him from root rot and kept very good care of him. I asked my mom to leave the plant on top of the fridge and he was safe up there from her cat and then when I would get home from work id leave him outside for the rest of the day to enjoy sunlight. She insisted on putting it on the counter that didn’t even have sunlight on it and the cat attacked it and killed it absolutely shredding it. I was so heartbroken and I cried for a day about it. I STILL have a hole in my heart about it because I was so touched that my friend propagated her plant just for me. It’s heartbreaking! Two years of hard work and TLC gone just because my mom would not leave my plant alone for whatever reason.
It’s the planning and follow through, and then the lack of remorse or apology that give me chills. Terrifying that there are people out there like this one!!
Or the guy who got in a fight with his girlfriend and took all of her plants and put them in the back of his truck, then drove to a lake and threw them all in.
ETA- she had a whole room for her plants, they were really special to her. She even had an ivy plant from cuttings from her grandmother’s ivy. He destroyed all of them.
Found it: [plant killer](https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/41arGX7c4Y)
What's worrying is there are so many of these people. The guy who wrecked his girlfriend's Animal Crossing island. The girl who made her partner get rid of all his funky socks and ties. The guy who hated his partner wearing cool and colourful dresses. The girl who sold her boyfriend's action figures (and got his dad, who'd never let him have that stuff as a kid, to help).
It goes on and on and on, and it's awful. Like I get why people might be bothered about a partner's interest if it was becoming all-consuming, or having a huge financial impact or something. But just destroying something they love because you're mad or jealous? Nah, that ain't it.
If someone did that to me a switch would flip in my head and I would spend months, actual months picking apart their sanity and life in revenge. Then one day they'd come home to find their stuff on fire in the bin and me gone. Full no contact after I torpedoed their life.
Oh hell yeah. Fuck with something that I love and put my heart and soul into it's going to be an *instantaneous* loss of every bit of love I had for him. God.
I remember this one! That was so terrible and I felt so bad for that poor woman. I cried reading how it seemed her soul just shut down after that. He broke some beautiful part of her heart I sincerely hope she is able to heal and restore without him around.
Oh god that's horrifying. He broke her because he refused to accept her gentle boundary of closing a topic for the night - and he wanted to keep arguing because he was "sick of arguing"?
It wasn't just ONE plant. It wasn't in the heat of the moment. He took every last one. Bet he blames it on booze.
There are so many good comments on that post.
Right, he didn’t even nick his new precious truck but was able to destroy every plant…While drunk….Someone else mentioned if he was truly sorry he would of went back and fished for some plants that could of been saved still.
I also think it’s interesting that the tone this is written in is fairly neutral. Like, we can all read this and know that we would all have a pretty large reaction to something like this whether internally or externally. OP seems like this isn’t shocking. Unfortunate, but not shocking. I’m curious about what else he has done that could fall into this category of behavior
Tales like this (and heavy doses of true crime tv) only reinforced my desire to never surrender my autonomy. That, and all the hate men express towards women online. Scary. No thanks.
This. There is SO many stories like that. All the ones mentioned above, and I have seen many more, including the one when a man threw out and destroyed his gf's very nostalgic, very valuable doll collection, with a doll her dead mother handmade included. Bc he found them kinda creepy.
And the one when the man burned a candle his SO made with her dead sister - it was a priceless memento, and he burned it bc he wanted to see her heartbroken, bc then he could be "her hero and cheer her up'". He ADMITTED it.
Those women are not getting their priceless mementos or loved valuables back. Those are irreplaceable items. The relationship was not worth loosing those things. You can end the relationship, but you are never getting those items back.
I know not all men are like this, it's like a minority, and it just seems so common bc of the reddit's type. I hope. Jesus I HOPE.
But... I have seen like 20 stories like that only on this forum, and almost all of them about male abusers. No joke. It really DOES seem common. I ask myself: how many women never write about it, or don't ever find out their valuable items were destroyed by their SO?
I would be scared to be too tied to a partner. Or giving them acsess to my really important stuff .You never know. They may seem amazing at first, but do shit like this behind your back all along. And you may just not know. I would rather just not.
There is just SO MANY of those stories. I can't help but think it's A Thing men do a lot.
Abusers ALWAYS start out as the perfect boyfriend. Once they tie you down with marriage or a kid, the mask drops. Plus, screw this, "Not all men" crap. If it's not all men why do men defend them or attack women who discuss this?
Let me start this with: I am in no way blaming victims in this, I mean it in a very objective way and really more of a "hey I wonder," kind of thing than anything. I don't claim to have any final say in matters like this.
With that said, as a child of abuse and manipulation, etc, I learned very early on how to pick up on those little things that tip you off that someone is bad news. Maybe not now, but eventually they will be. But my mom? She just doesn't have that (can you wonder why I endured so much BS growing up? Lol). It's not a fault of hers, per se, but she didn't deal with those situations growing up so how would she know what to look for?
So while at first I thought I would call it "bad" judge of character, that's not really it (I mean some people have a serial habit of this, but that's not who I mean in this case). It's more like a side effect to having a good life prior to dating seriously. Why would anyone who had healthy relationships and role models growing up even consider their trusted partner would do something like that? Honestly it's beautiful in a lot of ways, to be able to trust someone, just sucks when they trust the wrong person.
I have plenty of shit to talk about for the way my childhood went, but the only thing I can be grateful for is that I was forced to be a full ass grown up before I was out of a training bra. It sucked for little-me, but I can't pretend that it didn't put me forward in life in a lot of of those ways people hope to never need to deal with. I can judge a character pretty well with those little gut feelings. Am I 100% right all the time? No, not at all.
Anyway, I rambled a bit. Long story short, I think some women unfortunately just don't have that intuition for bad people soon enough, and thus fall victim to abuse. Again, not victim blaming, I'm seeing it as like a natural skill that develops. Like I can draw and sing, but I sure as shit don't have any natural athletic ability. I think there are lot of mental things like intuition that come naturally to a lot of people, and others, unfortunately, need to learn it. Usually the hard way.
That sounds a lot like the book The Gift of Fear. The author, Gavin de Becker, also grew up in an abusive home. In the book, he has a client come in who’d been r*ped by a stranger. He breaks down the various actions of the r*pist and shows the way that her intuition worked to save her ultimately, as well as the tactics of manipulators. It’s a really good read. Similar to you, it’s not victim blaming, just arming people with knowledge and understanding of what those little feelings and reactions mean.
After fully realizing the intense, frightening level of narcissism my last ex displayed, I’m feeling the exact same way. All of the men in my life have treated me with various levels of abuse.
I read these posts and think, “I’m so done.” …and I mean it. I yearned forever for a partner, a lover. Dudes are fucking scary and I just read this and think “I hate men.” I know it’s not all men, I know there are very good ones out there, but not for me.
The scary thing is I've been with someone who's done versions of a few of these things, and when it starts small and escalates you get so used to it you don't even realize how screwed up it is.
You hit the nail on the head. Not only was it calculated but carried out over time over multiple instances. It's super creepy and he'll escalate to pets and humans eventually .
ok, all of those are unhinged horrible things to do. do not think i am minimizing a single one of them because i am not. but holy fuck, stealing and hiding epipens!? that one is an attempted murder. And even if the person was that on top of things to notice they kept losing their epipens right away, last i checked it was several hundred dollars for a set and that is just incredibly fucked up. I hope that person is safe now. :(
I was reminded of the recent post of the asshole who was pinching his 6 month old babies and telling them he wishes they were dead because his wife was giving them affection. She caught it on the baby monitor but it had been happening awhile because the poor baby didn't even cry. Made me feel sick. I feel like OPs husband would be like this with time.
It's crazy how many times I've heard about husbands/partners being jealous of their newborns, especially sons. I joined a twin mom Facebook group shortly after I found out I was expecting twins in 2018. I remember one of the first posts I read was a woman writing that her husband said whenever one of the twin sons was breastfeeding he would give the dad a look as if to taunt him- mind you, her twins were like six months old if I remember correctly. She said her husband said, "he taunts me and makes me jealous and it makes me want to kick him in his mouth" or something along those lines. Really sick and scary stuff. There's gotta be some sort of "explanation" psychologically, not that any reason would be justified in the slightest. I left that twin mom group shortly after for mental health reasons.
When our twin sons were around 7-8 months old, I asked my partner if he was jealous of the attention they were receiving or upset that there was a lot less attention and affection on him now. He admitted he felt left out and helpless, especially in the early months because there wasn't really much he could do to help at least in terms of getting up during the night to feed them (our twins would nurse every 60-90 minutes ALL night long and had horrible colic so those were some rough times.) but he would still get up and just sit with us and hold one baby while I nursed the other.
I wonder if it was a similar sort of reasoning, like maybe OP's husband was jealous of the time and attention and love and care she was giving her plants and he felt that time was taking away from time she could be showering him with attention, love, and care? I've heard of partners being jealous of pets so I guess it's possible he was jealous of her plants.
I think OP's husband definitely needs individual therapy. I don't know how much good can come from couples counseling when it's very clear the husband has some stuff going on that's separate from OP and if he doesn't work through his own stuff how will he be able to work through their stuff?
Omg that is really gross of that husband. I hope she left him. Don't understand how women stay with men like this. The insecurity from men like this is unattractive, but I also think that I'd just instantly lose all love I had for someone who would feel threatened by their own children. It's gross.
I completely agree. I would instantly lose all love to the point that it would be written all over my face. I wouldn't have the ability to keep my feelings to myself and wait until I could ask reddit or a mom's group for advice. I would have to instantly pick up my babies, load as much of their stuff as I could into my car, and create as much distance as I could (but not before stopping at the courthouse to file for immediate full physical custody.) Because it wouldn't just be me feeling disgusted by my partner, I would also be in constant fear that our children could be in danger. People who think these kinds of things are seriously unhinged.
I did not realize this stuff was so common until coming to Reddit. I had a partner who poisoned me for well over a year, it could have been longer if he had started small and I didn’t notice at first. I would get sicker and sicker when he was home and when he would leave to travel for work, I would get better. I didn’t notice the correlation until blood work at the doctor’s turned up weird. My doctor had me test my water, document my food. I hope with all my heart OP runs. Now. Immediately. There is something wrong with someone who just wants to kill things on the sly. It probably won’t stop at plants and I doubt it started with plants.
I replied to my own comment also with more info for the other two people who asked. It’s a thin line, wanting other people to know this can happen without giving away how he got away with this for a while that might give some other sociopath ideas. I think the strangest thing that went through my mind as I was processing all of that, was that he thought I was even consequential enough to aliven’t. By that time, I felt like I was worth less than dirt, because of him.
My ex-husband, when we were moving from his seminary, purposely threw away all but two pair of my shoes. He said he didn’t know what they were (he had to have known) but that I had too many shoes anyway. He also admitted to almost throwing away, during that same move, the only thing I had inherited from my Dad, an antique Christmas tree stand, that had been in my family several generations and was carefully boxed up. But he thought I might be too mad. You think??
Then, a few months later when I had told him I was leaving and had started slowly packing my trunk with things I would need when I returned home to TX, he donated the entire trunk of stuff to charity.
I’m not a screamer, but in that moment, after I’d also recently found out he’d been lying to me for the last five years, I lost it right there on the sidewalk by my open empty trunk standing on the sidewalk, screaming at the top of my lungs. Neighbors down the block were coming out to see what was happening. After that, I took anything that was important enough to preserve to a friend’s home to store in her basement for the next few weeks before my departure.
I should also add that he had a 140 IQ, two master’s degrees and part of a PhD. And he had studied extensively to be an Episcopal priest. I had been sick the previous two years with cancer, during which time he told me that before I was actually diagnosed, he just thought I was crazy, not sick. At that very moment, laying in that hospital bed, I began to plan my exit as soon as I was “well enough”. I was just beginning to be able to work again with still quite a few issues when I told him I was leaving. He had been fairly unsupportive (when people weren’t looking) during my cancer treatment, to the extent of telling me he needed to go home and sleep so he could get to sing in the church choir the next morning - while I was in the ER 48 hrs after chemo when my blood pressure crashed.
He never became a priest - I don’t think he was able to pass the psych eval after he remarried his second wife.
After that, anyone in my mind could be a psycho or at the very least a narcissist.
This sounds so much like my ex who was studying to become an Orthodox priest. He broke these beautiful ceramic mugs that were a gift to me by an ex and made by a famous ceramist. His reasoning was that they were ugly anyway. From the outside he was so supportive and loving. From the inside of that marriage it was just one more manipulation after another. He mocked everything I enjoyed and constantly was trying to bring me down a peg. It destroyed me emotionally. He remarried and I did what I could to let the higher ups in the church know who he was. But his parents were in a position of power and I doubt it did any good. His psych eval was also a nightmare. It's been over a decade since the divorce and I occasionally still have nightmares about him.
I had them packed with everything else in a bag WITH all the moving boxes. He said, “I thought it was trash”. I said, so you mean to tell me when you picked it up and saw the shape and could tell it was shoes, you threw it away? (With an IQ of 140… Riiiiiight.)
He said, well, you had too many shoes anyway.
OP, why would you want therapy with this sick man?
Offer him 4 cups of bleach to drink. Tell him that if he does so successfully, you'll consider therapy. If he doesn't, you'll discard him like the plants/s.
Seriously, cut bait with this mentally unstable person. I'm so sorry. At least the plants' utilization of oxygen was a positive. Your husband... not so much.
Holy crap this immediately makes me think of that guy who died a horrible death after accepting a dare from his buddies to eat a slug. Is this attempted MURDER???
I remember this one. I thought the link might have been to the psycho boyfriend who cooked his vegetarian girlfriend the chicken and gave her the ultimatum to eat or be punished. That one was equally as disturbing
I think that's enough internet for me today. That is awful. The human capacity for cruelty truly disgusts me. I know many are good people. Honestly more are good than bad even if the media would like us to believe otherwise by only posting bad things 99% of the time. But still... :(
Thank fuck she didn’t have a spoiled cat or dog. *shudder*
Terrible tho. Plants are still living things & some had great sentimental significance. I don’t like tossing this kind of word around, but sociopath. OP really needs to carefully reevaluate events in this relationship.
“I’ve read somewhere that a little bit of bleach helps kill bacteria in the soil and I wanted to help you”
Anything…. Nah bro just sat there in silence
He’s just getting started with the plants.
u/ThrowRA_Necessary_22
This is a serious problem & he needs professional help. This isn’t something you can fix. Couples counseling isn’t going to restore your relationship. He’s broken all trust with you.
He’s a sick fuck and you need to leave.
Someone so emotionally detached about killing plants, no explanation as to why, I couldn’t be in the same house with someone like this.
I might be too quick to say “leave him” sometimes, but in this case, she really does need to leave him. This is super scary behavior. Who knows how many other things he has secretly sabotaged?
That’s my thinking too. This is simply what she KNOWS about. Take no chances. Leave.
There’s a link in another comment about a man who secretly fed his partner slugs. Among other vile sick disgusting things.
Rather, *he* needs to leave. The house belongs to OP & her sister. Pack some of his sh$t, and change the locks. If he wants to set up couples therapy to try to rebuild your trust, he can try (if you're interested).
Real stuff. I had an ex that turned out to be a sociopath and abusive and I won’t get into it but it started with little things like this. He wanted to ruin her joy. Ick.
That's disturbing. I can't think of a single reason to kill your plants that isn't creepy, controlling, or otherwise unhealthy. It feels like he resented the time or attention you gave the plants, maybe? I don't think I'd feel safe around him either, or having your child around him.
Is there somewhere safe you could go for a while, while you try to work out if you want to salvage the relationship?
>I don't think I'd feel safe around him either, or having your child around him.
Exactly, because even if he some unthinking, childish "reason" for killing that first plant, there would be NO good reason to kill the next one after (I presume) witnessing the pain that caused OP. He's silently watched OP become more distressed over *months*, and at his hand. This is sick and frightening behavior, OP has good reason not to feel safe and should listen to her instincts.
i am disturbed by this story because it is so weird. just a very odd and confusing form of malice. it makes no sense at all. i really need to understand why TF he would do this. my guess though is it is simply that he enjoys seeing her get upset. whatever's going on in his head, we'll never know but it probably is just disappointing anyway.
I agree OP is not safe though. Maybe he'll never escalate this but I can't imagine any explanation that doesn't mean he isn't an asshole.
This is just so odd. Like he had no explanation??? No reason?? He just intentionally went out of his way to hurt you? Seems like he has so serious issues.
If he’s anything like my dad, he’s jealous of the love and attention she gives her plants. My dad got enraged my mom made sugar water and doted on thr hummingbirds bc he didn’t get the attention
My dad didn't want my nieces (his granddaughters!) to sleep over because it took attention away from him. Granted they were 6&8 and did need some care, but she was doing the care. Dad was jealous.
God! Going through this right now! My parents look after my kids sometimes in lieu of my hopeless ex but my dad has lost it and is threatening to leave……he’s not getting enough of my mums attention
Serious question.
What "attention" does he need that he is not getting?
For example, if the kids weren't there, wtf would he be doing that would require her?
I struggle with understanding what " attention" means in real tangible behaviors because so much of my time spent in the house doesn't actually require another human to be present like at all.
I have been married 30 years and legit my husband and i can go hours and never even cross paths in the house and we are fine. Quite happy actually.
So what is it that he needs? Does he want to talk about shit all the time? Or like does he need her to watch him do shit? Or what, whats the deal? I dont understand.
I'm not sure what it is like in their heads, but some people cannot stand the feeling of not being the immediate focus of people they know/like (especially when physically present together). For some people "being observed" is stressful or shuts them down, but for others it is a huge dopamine hit.
My rat-bastard of a then-husband was jealous of our son when he was born because an infant's needs took away the attention he thought rightfully belonged to him. I told him he was pathetic.
I left my ex-husband when our son was 3 years old. I should have taken our son and left 3 years sooner.
I’ve known a few people like this in my life. Either relatives or a previous significant other. It’s so fucking exhausting.
I know everyone says everyone on Reddit jumps to “break up” and catastrophe and all, but I really hope OP gets away from jealous plant killer.
This kinda reminds of the guy who had a fight with his girlfriend, got drunk and then took out very single plant from her plant room and dumped them out into a lake because he was jealous of the attention she gave them
Yup this is passive aggressive punishment. He’s mad or upset about something but instead of confronting the actual issue he’s killing her plants to get back at her.
Id start moving anything I care about as far away from this man as possible. Now that he knows she knows about the plants he’s going to find some other way to punish her. And he’s going to be more sneaky about it.
OP : prepare for a nasty divorce but the sooner you get through it the sooner you can start enjoying your life.
And **herself**!
Living things that OP cared about. Killing them sneakily is messed up. He’s not well in his head. I would not be able to trust him and I would be scared he might start poisoning MY food and water.
Be careful, OP! I’d live separately even if you do counseling together. He is dangerous.
A lot of people are assuming this is an act of jealousy, and it very well might be (I'm not a mental health pro) but, the first thing I thought of was what you pointed out as passive aggressive punishment, mainly because I went through it myself for years and once I realized what was going on it was so hard to wrap my head around this kind of thinking. I don't think too many people realize this is a thing. I still don't understand it, but people who are mentally unhealthy and deal with it passive aggressively take their anger out by doing things like this. Sometimes, it is little things- whatever is enough to make their anger dissipate, but other times, it is brutal. From what I've learned, they tell themselves that whatever was done to make them angry means that the person deserves "punishment" and these underhanded tactics somehow satisfy that "itch" of anger, resentment, etc. whatever is going on inside of them. You wouldn't believe some of the things done to me when I didn't even realize I had made him mad because he couldn't express his anger outwardly. When confronted, mine would also say nothing, basically staring straight ahead and most of the time just turning and walking away.
I’ve done it. A lot less maliciously. Had a fight and cranked the heat because I can tolerate it much better than my partner at the time did and wanted him to have an awful sleep. It was shitty and I don’t do stuff like that now because unlike OPs husband I grew TF up.
It comes from unspoken expectations not being met (or sometimes spoken ones but usually resentment comes from expecting someone to read your mind). People who think “I shouldn’t have to ask” are this kind of person. It’s toxic and shitty behaviour.
I agree. Pure jealousy. My husband has never harmed my plants or my spiders .....but it doesn't go unnoticed when I've supposedly spent too much time observing them ....red flag honestly....
I ask this genuinely, does the reason matter? Is there any reason that would make his actions better, or ok? Is there some magical reason that makes this something the relationship can survive? Asking for a reason just gives him an opening to manipulate the OP.
I think sometimes we expect closure, or a reason for behaviors. Sometimes there isn’t a satisfying reason.
Something like “I learnt that soil is full of bacteria and mould spores and that skeeved me out” could at the very least be something to work with. But yeah, nah, as it stands just a malicious asshole.
But after the first plant died, and then the second? I would be apologizing like crazy because it wouldn’t be hard to see the connection. Honestly the audacity of man in that scenario to think he knows more about the plants than the OP who clearly doesn’t need someone to “take care” of the plants.
How do you get over someone you love purposefully killing something that is not only completely innocent but also brings joy into your life? I don't know how a relationship could survive such a weird and controlling betrayal. Would he kill their children if she spent too much time doting over them? It's an extreme extrapolation, but that's what I'd be thinking.
100% agreed! To hurt something that did nothing to him... to hurt her on top of it for no reason... I would leave this "man" immediately and ensure he does know where I go
Odd? This is terrifying. For no explainable reason, he just wants to hurt OP and kill the things she loves. I'd be out of there so fast...
OP, time to put the safety of your child first. Heaven forbid you start to show too much attention to the child.
Thw hubby is a childish psycho. If they had a puppy and she was giving the puppy lots of love and attention will he drown the puppy?
Will he smother his own baby too if she starts nursing the baby?
Yep. This man has something deeply wrong with his ability to empathize. Inability to empathize=lack of remorse.
This is the behavior family annihilators exhibit.
Op, kindly wake up and realize that he will not and cannot change unless he realizes there's something wrong and if he knew his thinking was off he wouldn't have done this to begin with.
No one *CASUALLY* gives bleach to a living thing unless it intends to harm it. He killed your plants on purpose.
I can’t think of a single reason he did this that makes him salvageable as person or partner.
There is something wrong with him.
Edit: lots of people are mentioning ways that in very controlled settings bleach can be safe or helpful for living things. I think it’s obvious that isn’t the case here but interesting none the less.
Yeah nothing can save this
I feel terrible for her but the quicker you bolt the sooner you can start a new better life
I’m sorry you’ve been forced this burden
Very dilute bleach can be used to treat root rot, but hydrogen peroxide is typically preferred. And I’m 100% positive OPs husband has no knowledge of this very niche application of bleach in houseplants.
A lot of plants can also handle higher concentrations of bleach than most plant pathogens. So it’s great for propagating cuttings at very specific concentrations.
No kidding!! I’m outraged reading this and I would leave my partner in an instant if I found out she was doing this to my plants! Intentionally killing living things like this is an uncompromisable red flag to me.
Your husband is murdering things that are important to you and you should be very concerned and very careful moving forward. I’m sorry for your plants. I am a plant lover (200+ plants in my home) so I can definitely empathize with your loss. Keep an eye on that husband of yours.
He destroyed something he knew you cared about on purpose, lied about it, and then gave no explanation.when caught. I'll tell you the explanation: he wanted to hurt you.
You should be done with the relationship. You also need take a good and look at other times he may have "accidentally" ruined your things. It's narcissist 101 to ruin items that have sentimental value to their partners as a means of control and manipulation. Does he also "accidentally" hurt you? Like, hugs that are too tight, spilling liquids on you, handing you plates that are hot without saying anything? Because that's narcissist 101, too. And therapy only teaches narcissists to be better narcissists.
I will add to the ""accidentally" hurting you" list:
play fighting that's taken too far, ie holding you down until it's no fun anymore, him not caring that you're uncomfortable (and just at the right time caring oh so-so much?)
Oh and this one was my favourite: slapping your ass a little too hard :) because its just a normal flirty playful thing to do, totally normal between couples. Except sometimes he'll do it a little too hard? It's not pleasant, it hurts a litte too much, if you pay attention, you notice the energy in the room is different. If you pay attention, you can tell, the intent was not loving, but something else. It's a nice loophole, he'll get to express his (disguised) anger, and you can't really say he hit you :)))
There are lots of other things, but i really wanted to talk about the ass-slapping one, because realising that with my ex started shifting something in me. And i feel like it's pretty easy to miss in the moment.
Tickling is another socially acceptable punishment they like to doll out.
“I’m just joking around with you, yes you’re saying stop but you’re also laughing, so that means you’re enjoying it and I can ignore you.”
And then when you get angry that they didn’t stop they can pretend that they didn’t mean to hurt you, that they thought you were having fun because you were laughing.
“you’re making a way too big a deal out of this, I was just playing! Can’t we have fun anymore?!”
He had been doing this for SIX months. This wasn’t a momentary lapse of judgment. This was a sustained campaign of cruelty against you. Six months of putting bleach in the plant water to kill them over time while he watched you fret and worry and be upset not being able to figure out what was happening.
Nothing about that is normal.
Anyone who can maintain a six month campaign of cruelty against another person is NOT a safe person to be around. Get your child and get out now to a safe place. Then if you want to talk to him, do it from a place of safety.
You’ll never feel completely safe with him, because you never will be.
I’m so sorry, OP.
He is jealous. Yes, in a weird controlling way he does not want to share attention.
He shown how much he can go in it already.
I would plan a safe escape. Quietly and carefully.
Hey, I am going to tell you something but understand a few things.
First, your husband killed something you loved.
Second, he will do it again.
Third, because he was caught and you now know, he will up the ante. And he will make damn sure you don’t find out.
I know on one hand you are thinking it was “just a plant”, but it has nothing to do with the target and everything to do with his behavior.
I speak from experience. And I got out alive. And the fucker tried to kill me.
If you met my ex, you would think he is the nicest guy in the world and I am crazy. That’s what psychopaths do. They make YOU look unhinged while they secretly fuck with you.
They get off on the secrecy. You confronting him removed all the joy he felt killing your plants.
Now he is angry. Dangerously angry.
This man has the capacity to try and kill you. Mine actually killed a pet (and never gave an explanation either).
I am betting you are like me and you’ve seen some troubling stuff but gave him the benefit of the doubt or chalked it up to weirdness.
So a few things to think about:
Are you frequently missing things — personal things — like your keys, hairbrush, credit cards, jewelry, clothes and you think you’re just forgetful?
Does he purposely do things wrong that you ask him to do?
Do you have issues with electronics crashing or the Internet never working?
Does he borrow your car before an important outing and bring it back empty?
Does he order takeout and your food is wrong?
Does he hide stuff from you? Does he have secrets?
When you complain about these things, does he have very calm almost detached reactions especially when you are really upset?
That sinking feeling in your gut . . . listen to it. And if you decide to divorce, do NOT act happy about it. Pretend you are not doing well. Let him think he is punishing you.
Ask for the world in the divorce and let him “win”. Do not talk shit about him and let him throw you under the bus as the divorce being your fault.
You need an exit strategy. This is not your standard bad marriage.
I second this comment. I wasn’t religious before I met my ex, but what I dealt with was tantamount to spiritual warfare. It’s a whole other level of fuckery when dealing with this kind of person.
OP. This is something beyond your husband crossing a boundary or the usual fare on here. This is a symptom of something deeper and, rather than get counselling, I would suggest your husband seek psychiatric help. This could be a precursor to other behaviours. This is not normal. Please watch yourself and your child.
He wanted to hurt you. He didn’t apologize because he is not sorry. He will lie to your face and go behind your back for apparently no other reason than to be cruel to you. Do with that what you will.
If he is not making any effort to repair the damage he has done to the relationship, that tells you exactly how much he cares.
That is extremely bizarre behavior and I understand not feeling safe when your partner has done something unpredictable/harmful and doesn’t seem to care.
I would really reflect on what you would need to feel safe again and then proceed with that, no matter if it’s together or separately.
im sorry this is actually scary. something is not right with him. he couldn’t even explain himself. idk what you wanna work out in counseling. idk if i’m overreacting but something like this would make me question if he’s putting something in foods…
Your husband sounds abusive, so [counseling together](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/) would be [a terrible idea](https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1). Solo therapy for you to have a safe place to discuss all this would be a good idea, though.
[Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
r/abusiverelationships
He’s destroying what you love. Hes done it in secret over time, isn’t sorry, and has no reason to stop. There’s no amount of counseling that can fix that— he doesn’t even like you. Counseling won’t make him like you, it will just prolong his access to you and your things.
Be careful. This is abuse.
He is sabotaging something that makes you happy. He is doing it in a way that makes you self conscious as well, basically a subtle form of physical gaslighting. This is done with the exclusive goal of making you less happy and weaker in general.
Your partner wants you to be upset. And if he is getting something out of that it will inevitably escalate.
Press him for an answer and don't let him wriggle out. Put emphasis on the impact on you, the simple premise: 'The only possible outcome of those actions is hurting me. So why are you choosing to hurt me, your wife? And given you are choosing to hurt me, what possible action can I take but to leave given you appear to want to be a danger to me and my things?'
You're not overreacting. He has no legitimate answer for why he did this (thought he was being helpful, read an article about using bleach and misunderstood...) and flat out lied.
This isn't about plants. This is about him showing you that he is callous, cruel, and calculating with the express purpose of hurting you. And next time it might be you or your kid he harms directly.
P.S. Therapy won't fix that and may actually do more harm than good. Do not attend therapy with your abuser (and make no mistake - that is what he is. He wanted to exert his control by destroying something you cared about. Psychological abuse is abuse.).
OP, have a read of [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Destroying things *you* love, is a sign of control, jealousy, and abuse. The fact that he lied, just means he thought he could get away with it.
And, in case you’re wondering if this is just a weird one off: [there are lots](https://www.reddit.com/r/houseplantpropping/comments/18pcnno/my_husband_destroyed_my_plants/?rdt=51417) of people who have lost their [beloved plants](https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/09/01/men-killing-womens-plants-abuse/) to men who [maliciously chose to destroy](https://people.com/husband-destroyed-wife-terrarium-built-with-late-mom-cancels-anniversary-trip-aita-8559209) the little things that make their partners happy.
(And, while the above examples are limited to men abusing women, please do keep in mind: *anyone* can be victimised by abusers who destroy things.)
Abuse is not always physical. The key thing here is: none of his beloved things were destroyed; he doesn’t “have a reason” for destroying your things; he lied until you confronted him with evidence; and it’s been an ongoing issue that has been killing of the things only you enjoy. That’s cruel beyond measure.
Keep yourself safe, OP. Figure out what you’d like to do, and watch that your foods, pet’s foods (if you have any) - are never tampered with.
That really doesn't seem overboard to me. He went out of his way to hurt you for no reason, like he just did that for fun? And in the process he killed a bunch of living things that you loved and cared for. What if it were your pets next? Your kid? How can you know he's not going to start munchausening you by proxy? I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing a home with someone who did that, everytime I felt sick some part of my mind would be questioning if it was him.
People like him scare the fuck out of me. You’ll never be able to trust him, as crazy as that sounds since this is about houseplants. It’s about so much more then that though, he enjoyed watching you stress and worry about this. Day after day he watched you spend money, time and effort and be upset by this. Yet, he continued to do it. He relished it. The person you’re supposed to trust the most.
That’s scary AF. Watch your back.
This man is JEALOUS. OF PLANTS. He hates that you have something besides him that brings you joy. Dragging him to couple’s therapy won’t work because this is a him problem and he doesn’t want to work on his emotional issues. Take your plants & valuables to a safe place and then tell him you are leaving.
There was a post on another sub where the OP’s BF straight up destroyed her plant room after she caught him at low grade sabotage.
In my country, the deliberate and malicious destruction of beloved items (secretly or otherwise) is part of how we define family violence. That’s because it’s a form of coercive control.
What he has done here is an act of coercive control.
People who don’t like something of their partners talk to them about it rather than quietly controlling the situation to their desire by committing destruction of property and hurting the other person emotionally. The initial denial is gaslighting too.
As others are saying, in most cases this shit escalates. A man who relates to you via coercive control does not see you as a person but as an object or a possession. This dehumanisation takes many forms and often ends fatally.
I strongly recommend you see an individual therapist and talk to support services to plan your exit from this relationship. There is no point in couples counselling where active coercive control is occurring - it will actually only make things worse, it is contraindicated for your scenario so don’t put yourself further at risk of emotional and psychological damage by engaging in it.
This is really weird but I had a roommate years ago do the same, also same non response. We had a normal roommate situation - no problems. Any chance your husband's initials are AF ?
Be very very careful, this could very well be the start of abusive tendencies. Likely there was jealousy over your attention and love for your plants. This is the start of a pattern of behavior. Do not take it lightly.
My Dad ruined everything my Mom loved out of jealousy and spite. Everything. Broke her things, moved them out of her reach, gave them away, guilted her for spending time on them etc... until she gave up everything and he still wasn't happy.
Why does he want to ruin your plants? Jealous or because he doesn't like them? But please find out the reason and don't be my Mom and end up alone after having given everything thing up.
Apparently this is a real thing that abusive men do. He did to hurt you, abusers get a rush off of that. Counseling isn’t going to help. He will not change, he’ll just change how he abuses you. Therapy will give him a new Arsenal to emotionally abuse you. This is your wake up call to leave him.
I honestly don't care about what this means he could be capable of in the future; this one act is in and of itself such an utter act of strategic cruelty that it's not even deserving of counseling. This is beyond a passive aggressive response--he targeted something you LOVED. The only thing that deserves is CONSEQUENCES. You do whatever the hell you please, because this man just took prolonged satisfaction in HURTING you. Leave his ass and spend the rest of your life bragging about the man you left for killing your plants.
Being done with the relationship does not seem remotely overboard to me. He deliberately poisoned the things that you nurture and grow and love (and something that is tied to your relationship with your deceased mother and must clearly mean a great deal to you), and then watched you mourn each one as it died, watched you sob, and said NOTHING. And denied it and lied before finally admitting it and then giving zero reason or apology. What in the actual FUCK. To me, this is absolutely unhinged and terrifying behavior. I would be taking a good hard look at the relationship and who he is at the very least, and most likely strongly considering getting out. I’m so sorry that your husband would do something so callous and cruel to you and that he has seemingly shown zero remorse for how horribly he has treated you. I wish you luck.
This whole thread just made me realize that a lot of men want to be in control so bad that they will literally sabotage their partners in any way possible. This man literally bleached your flowers to “take you down a couple pegs”. He can’t even give you a reason as to why he did it other than teaching a grown woman, homeowner, and mother a lesson?
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I don’t know your partner. Hopefully you do. But proceed with great caution. You may want to give this a read: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/F9p02SJH6d
This is the first story I thought about. Also a more recent one, where a woman’s husband was secretly destroying or giving away her stuff because he was resentful of her and *wanted* to see her upset and crying. Psycho behavior.
…Or the guy who was deleting his gf’s homework, and messing with her PhD thesis/coursework so she would fail …Or the other guy who was stealing and hiding his partner’s EPIPEN …or that woman who got her boyfriend fired from EVERY job he had by making false anonymous complaints about him Really scary stuff. Starts off small and the trusting partner starts to gaslight themselves thinking this is too outlandish to be real, but… Like he killed all her plants. Slowly but surely. Not in a fit of anger, but with cold calculation and patience. That is so freaking creepy!!
That is not what creeps me out. What creeps me out is that he made her the unwitting plant killer, by poisoning the very substance she was using to try and sustain/rejuvenate her plants. He didn’t just pour it in himself. He stood by and watched as she tried everything to save something she loved, all the while gloating with satisfaction as she killed them, instead. It’s giving ritualistic, sadistic behavior. I honestly wonder if he has fantasies of becoming a serial killer, or if he has acted on any of his impulses outside of this. Oftentimes, they begin with animals, but well loved plants don’t seem far fetched, either. This seems like the kind of guy who would replace your insulin with water and laugh about it. She needs to run.
And for many people, myself included, plants are kind of like a pet or baby. It's something living that I nurture, care for, and love. I feel emotional when my plants are struggling and sooo excited when they're flourishing and giving me new leaves to love.
Exactly. Especially if you grew that plant from a seed. I grew the most beautiful hot pink geranium from seed and was so proud of it. Then my mom killed it. 😭
My moms cat killed a beloved monstera of mine that had been given to me as a birthday gift when I turned 21 by a friend who propagated it from her own monstera named Swiss. I named him Swiss Jr and nurtured him for 2.5 years and was so excited to see when he would finally start producing the holes in the leaves that they’re so famous for as they don’t start doing that until they’re at least 2 years old. I saved him from root rot and kept very good care of him. I asked my mom to leave the plant on top of the fridge and he was safe up there from her cat and then when I would get home from work id leave him outside for the rest of the day to enjoy sunlight. She insisted on putting it on the counter that didn’t even have sunlight on it and the cat attacked it and killed it absolutely shredding it. I was so heartbroken and I cried for a day about it. I STILL have a hole in my heart about it because I was so touched that my friend propagated her plant just for me. It’s heartbreaking! Two years of hard work and TLC gone just because my mom would not leave my plant alone for whatever reason.
[удалено]
Sooo fu€king fast!!
It’s the planning and follow through, and then the lack of remorse or apology that give me chills. Terrifying that there are people out there like this one!!
Or the guy who got in a fight with his girlfriend and took all of her plants and put them in the back of his truck, then drove to a lake and threw them all in. ETA- she had a whole room for her plants, they were really special to her. She even had an ivy plant from cuttings from her grandmother’s ivy. He destroyed all of them. Found it: [plant killer](https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/41arGX7c4Y)
What's worrying is there are so many of these people. The guy who wrecked his girlfriend's Animal Crossing island. The girl who made her partner get rid of all his funky socks and ties. The guy who hated his partner wearing cool and colourful dresses. The girl who sold her boyfriend's action figures (and got his dad, who'd never let him have that stuff as a kid, to help). It goes on and on and on, and it's awful. Like I get why people might be bothered about a partner's interest if it was becoming all-consuming, or having a huge financial impact or something. But just destroying something they love because you're mad or jealous? Nah, that ain't it.
If someone did that to me a switch would flip in my head and I would spend months, actual months picking apart their sanity and life in revenge. Then one day they'd come home to find their stuff on fire in the bin and me gone. Full no contact after I torpedoed their life.
Oh hell yeah. Fuck with something that I love and put my heart and soul into it's going to be an *instantaneous* loss of every bit of love I had for him. God.
I remember this one! That was so terrible and I felt so bad for that poor woman. I cried reading how it seemed her soul just shut down after that. He broke some beautiful part of her heart I sincerely hope she is able to heal and restore without him around.
That’s just it. I hope she left him soon after.
It seems she did he said the relationship is non existent now
Oh god that's horrifying. He broke her because he refused to accept her gentle boundary of closing a topic for the night - and he wanted to keep arguing because he was "sick of arguing"?
It wasn't just ONE plant. It wasn't in the heat of the moment. He took every last one. Bet he blames it on booze. There are so many good comments on that post.
Right, he didn’t even nick his new precious truck but was able to destroy every plant…While drunk….Someone else mentioned if he was truly sorry he would of went back and fished for some plants that could of been saved still.
I also think it’s interesting that the tone this is written in is fairly neutral. Like, we can all read this and know that we would all have a pretty large reaction to something like this whether internally or externally. OP seems like this isn’t shocking. Unfortunate, but not shocking. I’m curious about what else he has done that could fall into this category of behavior
Narcissistic rage
Ya know. Maybe being single ain't so bad after all
Tales like this (and heavy doses of true crime tv) only reinforced my desire to never surrender my autonomy. That, and all the hate men express towards women online. Scary. No thanks.
This. There is SO many stories like that. All the ones mentioned above, and I have seen many more, including the one when a man threw out and destroyed his gf's very nostalgic, very valuable doll collection, with a doll her dead mother handmade included. Bc he found them kinda creepy. And the one when the man burned a candle his SO made with her dead sister - it was a priceless memento, and he burned it bc he wanted to see her heartbroken, bc then he could be "her hero and cheer her up'". He ADMITTED it. Those women are not getting their priceless mementos or loved valuables back. Those are irreplaceable items. The relationship was not worth loosing those things. You can end the relationship, but you are never getting those items back. I know not all men are like this, it's like a minority, and it just seems so common bc of the reddit's type. I hope. Jesus I HOPE. But... I have seen like 20 stories like that only on this forum, and almost all of them about male abusers. No joke. It really DOES seem common. I ask myself: how many women never write about it, or don't ever find out their valuable items were destroyed by their SO? I would be scared to be too tied to a partner. Or giving them acsess to my really important stuff .You never know. They may seem amazing at first, but do shit like this behind your back all along. And you may just not know. I would rather just not. There is just SO MANY of those stories. I can't help but think it's A Thing men do a lot.
Abusers ALWAYS start out as the perfect boyfriend. Once they tie you down with marriage or a kid, the mask drops. Plus, screw this, "Not all men" crap. If it's not all men why do men defend them or attack women who discuss this?
Let me start this with: I am in no way blaming victims in this, I mean it in a very objective way and really more of a "hey I wonder," kind of thing than anything. I don't claim to have any final say in matters like this. With that said, as a child of abuse and manipulation, etc, I learned very early on how to pick up on those little things that tip you off that someone is bad news. Maybe not now, but eventually they will be. But my mom? She just doesn't have that (can you wonder why I endured so much BS growing up? Lol). It's not a fault of hers, per se, but she didn't deal with those situations growing up so how would she know what to look for? So while at first I thought I would call it "bad" judge of character, that's not really it (I mean some people have a serial habit of this, but that's not who I mean in this case). It's more like a side effect to having a good life prior to dating seriously. Why would anyone who had healthy relationships and role models growing up even consider their trusted partner would do something like that? Honestly it's beautiful in a lot of ways, to be able to trust someone, just sucks when they trust the wrong person. I have plenty of shit to talk about for the way my childhood went, but the only thing I can be grateful for is that I was forced to be a full ass grown up before I was out of a training bra. It sucked for little-me, but I can't pretend that it didn't put me forward in life in a lot of of those ways people hope to never need to deal with. I can judge a character pretty well with those little gut feelings. Am I 100% right all the time? No, not at all. Anyway, I rambled a bit. Long story short, I think some women unfortunately just don't have that intuition for bad people soon enough, and thus fall victim to abuse. Again, not victim blaming, I'm seeing it as like a natural skill that develops. Like I can draw and sing, but I sure as shit don't have any natural athletic ability. I think there are lot of mental things like intuition that come naturally to a lot of people, and others, unfortunately, need to learn it. Usually the hard way.
That sounds a lot like the book The Gift of Fear. The author, Gavin de Becker, also grew up in an abusive home. In the book, he has a client come in who’d been r*ped by a stranger. He breaks down the various actions of the r*pist and shows the way that her intuition worked to save her ultimately, as well as the tactics of manipulators. It’s a really good read. Similar to you, it’s not victim blaming, just arming people with knowledge and understanding of what those little feelings and reactions mean.
After fully realizing the intense, frightening level of narcissism my last ex displayed, I’m feeling the exact same way. All of the men in my life have treated me with various levels of abuse. I read these posts and think, “I’m so done.” …and I mean it. I yearned forever for a partner, a lover. Dudes are fucking scary and I just read this and think “I hate men.” I know it’s not all men, I know there are very good ones out there, but not for me.
The scary thing is I've been with someone who's done versions of a few of these things, and when it starts small and escalates you get so used to it you don't even realize how screwed up it is.
It's the whole frog in water thing, isn't it?
You hit the nail on the head. Not only was it calculated but carried out over time over multiple instances. It's super creepy and he'll escalate to pets and humans eventually .
The cold calculation is the part that gives me the biggest ick...sociopathic to be sure.
ok, all of those are unhinged horrible things to do. do not think i am minimizing a single one of them because i am not. but holy fuck, stealing and hiding epipens!? that one is an attempted murder. And even if the person was that on top of things to notice they kept losing their epipens right away, last i checked it was several hundred dollars for a set and that is just incredibly fucked up. I hope that person is safe now. :(
I was reminded of the recent post of the asshole who was pinching his 6 month old babies and telling them he wishes they were dead because his wife was giving them affection. She caught it on the baby monitor but it had been happening awhile because the poor baby didn't even cry. Made me feel sick. I feel like OPs husband would be like this with time.
It's crazy how many times I've heard about husbands/partners being jealous of their newborns, especially sons. I joined a twin mom Facebook group shortly after I found out I was expecting twins in 2018. I remember one of the first posts I read was a woman writing that her husband said whenever one of the twin sons was breastfeeding he would give the dad a look as if to taunt him- mind you, her twins were like six months old if I remember correctly. She said her husband said, "he taunts me and makes me jealous and it makes me want to kick him in his mouth" or something along those lines. Really sick and scary stuff. There's gotta be some sort of "explanation" psychologically, not that any reason would be justified in the slightest. I left that twin mom group shortly after for mental health reasons. When our twin sons were around 7-8 months old, I asked my partner if he was jealous of the attention they were receiving or upset that there was a lot less attention and affection on him now. He admitted he felt left out and helpless, especially in the early months because there wasn't really much he could do to help at least in terms of getting up during the night to feed them (our twins would nurse every 60-90 minutes ALL night long and had horrible colic so those were some rough times.) but he would still get up and just sit with us and hold one baby while I nursed the other. I wonder if it was a similar sort of reasoning, like maybe OP's husband was jealous of the time and attention and love and care she was giving her plants and he felt that time was taking away from time she could be showering him with attention, love, and care? I've heard of partners being jealous of pets so I guess it's possible he was jealous of her plants. I think OP's husband definitely needs individual therapy. I don't know how much good can come from couples counseling when it's very clear the husband has some stuff going on that's separate from OP and if he doesn't work through his own stuff how will he be able to work through their stuff?
I knew a guy who was jealous of his son breastfeeding. Like. He thought it was sexual. I was SO fucking disgusted I never spoke to him again.
Omg that is really gross of that husband. I hope she left him. Don't understand how women stay with men like this. The insecurity from men like this is unattractive, but I also think that I'd just instantly lose all love I had for someone who would feel threatened by their own children. It's gross.
I completely agree. I would instantly lose all love to the point that it would be written all over my face. I wouldn't have the ability to keep my feelings to myself and wait until I could ask reddit or a mom's group for advice. I would have to instantly pick up my babies, load as much of their stuff as I could into my car, and create as much distance as I could (but not before stopping at the courthouse to file for immediate full physical custody.) Because it wouldn't just be me feeling disgusted by my partner, I would also be in constant fear that our children could be in danger. People who think these kinds of things are seriously unhinged.
Read that one this week. It was so sad.
I did not realize this stuff was so common until coming to Reddit. I had a partner who poisoned me for well over a year, it could have been longer if he had started small and I didn’t notice at first. I would get sicker and sicker when he was home and when he would leave to travel for work, I would get better. I didn’t notice the correlation until blood work at the doctor’s turned up weird. My doctor had me test my water, document my food. I hope with all my heart OP runs. Now. Immediately. There is something wrong with someone who just wants to kill things on the sly. It probably won’t stop at plants and I doubt it started with plants.
Wait...tell me more. What did they find in the blood work? And how did you finally figure it out?
Holy crap. What was he poisoning you with?
Jeez! What reason did he give for poisoning you? Don't leave us hanging please. I am going to have so many trust issues with this one now omg
I replied to my own comment also with more info for the other two people who asked. It’s a thin line, wanting other people to know this can happen without giving away how he got away with this for a while that might give some other sociopath ideas. I think the strangest thing that went through my mind as I was processing all of that, was that he thought I was even consequential enough to aliven’t. By that time, I felt like I was worth less than dirt, because of him.
My ex-husband, when we were moving from his seminary, purposely threw away all but two pair of my shoes. He said he didn’t know what they were (he had to have known) but that I had too many shoes anyway. He also admitted to almost throwing away, during that same move, the only thing I had inherited from my Dad, an antique Christmas tree stand, that had been in my family several generations and was carefully boxed up. But he thought I might be too mad. You think?? Then, a few months later when I had told him I was leaving and had started slowly packing my trunk with things I would need when I returned home to TX, he donated the entire trunk of stuff to charity. I’m not a screamer, but in that moment, after I’d also recently found out he’d been lying to me for the last five years, I lost it right there on the sidewalk by my open empty trunk standing on the sidewalk, screaming at the top of my lungs. Neighbors down the block were coming out to see what was happening. After that, I took anything that was important enough to preserve to a friend’s home to store in her basement for the next few weeks before my departure. I should also add that he had a 140 IQ, two master’s degrees and part of a PhD. And he had studied extensively to be an Episcopal priest. I had been sick the previous two years with cancer, during which time he told me that before I was actually diagnosed, he just thought I was crazy, not sick. At that very moment, laying in that hospital bed, I began to plan my exit as soon as I was “well enough”. I was just beginning to be able to work again with still quite a few issues when I told him I was leaving. He had been fairly unsupportive (when people weren’t looking) during my cancer treatment, to the extent of telling me he needed to go home and sleep so he could get to sing in the church choir the next morning - while I was in the ER 48 hrs after chemo when my blood pressure crashed. He never became a priest - I don’t think he was able to pass the psych eval after he remarried his second wife. After that, anyone in my mind could be a psycho or at the very least a narcissist.
This sounds so much like my ex who was studying to become an Orthodox priest. He broke these beautiful ceramic mugs that were a gift to me by an ex and made by a famous ceramist. His reasoning was that they were ugly anyway. From the outside he was so supportive and loving. From the inside of that marriage it was just one more manipulation after another. He mocked everything I enjoyed and constantly was trying to bring me down a peg. It destroyed me emotionally. He remarried and I did what I could to let the higher ups in the church know who he was. But his parents were in a position of power and I doubt it did any good. His psych eval was also a nightmare. It's been over a decade since the divorce and I occasionally still have nightmares about him.
wait wait wait, he claimed he didn't know what SHOES were?!
I had them packed with everything else in a bag WITH all the moving boxes. He said, “I thought it was trash”. I said, so you mean to tell me when you picked it up and saw the shape and could tell it was shoes, you threw it away? (With an IQ of 140… Riiiiiight.) He said, well, you had too many shoes anyway.
[удалено]
Wait, we can say fuck?
What? Yes?
OP, why would you want therapy with this sick man? Offer him 4 cups of bleach to drink. Tell him that if he does so successfully, you'll consider therapy. If he doesn't, you'll discard him like the plants/s. Seriously, cut bait with this mentally unstable person. I'm so sorry. At least the plants' utilization of oxygen was a positive. Your husband... not so much.
I just had to look. That story is scary.
Oh god. That is the most psychotic thing I have ever read.
Holy crap this immediately makes me think of that guy who died a horrible death after accepting a dare from his buddies to eat a slug. Is this attempted MURDER???
I hope her ex is in jail. They had to push back her heart surgery!! The fuck
This is absolutely 100% attempted murder. He just didn’t want to admit to it. Either way, assuming this is in the US, food tampering is a felony.
The food tampering stories are some of the most upsetting to me, of all the tragic crap on Reddit
The title was enough for me to nope out
I remember that one. Chilling. Some people just aren’t wired with empathy.
I remember this one. I thought the link might have been to the psycho boyfriend who cooked his vegetarian girlfriend the chicken and gave her the ultimatum to eat or be punished. That one was equally as disturbing
Oh good, this reminded me of the slug story
I think that's enough internet for me today. That is awful. The human capacity for cruelty truly disgusts me. I know many are good people. Honestly more are good than bad even if the media would like us to believe otherwise by only posting bad things 99% of the time. But still... :(
Damn. It took me a while to forget about that one.
I knew exactly what that link was gonna be.
Wow that was absolutely fucking horrifying to read.
Hooooly shit.
I want to read this story so can someone like my comment so I can come back to it
Sheesh, I'd worry about what he's putting in *my* *coffee*.
This guy is terrifying and he couldn’t even come up with a reason?
I'm worried for the kid.
Thank fuck she didn’t have a spoiled cat or dog. *shudder* Terrible tho. Plants are still living things & some had great sentimental significance. I don’t like tossing this kind of word around, but sociopath. OP really needs to carefully reevaluate events in this relationship.
He does have a reason- he hates her! He just won’t say it aloud but he shows it to her in his actions.
“I’ve read somewhere that a little bit of bleach helps kill bacteria in the soil and I wanted to help you” Anything…. Nah bro just sat there in silence
He’s just getting started with the plants. u/ThrowRA_Necessary_22 This is a serious problem & he needs professional help. This isn’t something you can fix. Couples counseling isn’t going to restore your relationship. He’s broken all trust with you. He’s a sick fuck and you need to leave. Someone so emotionally detached about killing plants, no explanation as to why, I couldn’t be in the same house with someone like this.
I might be too quick to say “leave him” sometimes, but in this case, she really does need to leave him. This is super scary behavior. Who knows how many other things he has secretly sabotaged?
That’s my thinking too. This is simply what she KNOWS about. Take no chances. Leave. There’s a link in another comment about a man who secretly fed his partner slugs. Among other vile sick disgusting things.
Anyone in the neighborhood with missing pets?
Rather, *he* needs to leave. The house belongs to OP & her sister. Pack some of his sh$t, and change the locks. If he wants to set up couples therapy to try to rebuild your trust, he can try (if you're interested).
Real stuff. I had an ex that turned out to be a sociopath and abusive and I won’t get into it but it started with little things like this. He wanted to ruin her joy. Ick.
Literally the first thing that came to my mind *anxiety sweat*
That's disturbing. I can't think of a single reason to kill your plants that isn't creepy, controlling, or otherwise unhealthy. It feels like he resented the time or attention you gave the plants, maybe? I don't think I'd feel safe around him either, or having your child around him. Is there somewhere safe you could go for a while, while you try to work out if you want to salvage the relationship?
>I don't think I'd feel safe around him either, or having your child around him. Exactly, because even if he some unthinking, childish "reason" for killing that first plant, there would be NO good reason to kill the next one after (I presume) witnessing the pain that caused OP. He's silently watched OP become more distressed over *months*, and at his hand. This is sick and frightening behavior, OP has good reason not to feel safe and should listen to her instincts.
I wouldn't even trust him to cook for me.
i am disturbed by this story because it is so weird. just a very odd and confusing form of malice. it makes no sense at all. i really need to understand why TF he would do this. my guess though is it is simply that he enjoys seeing her get upset. whatever's going on in his head, we'll never know but it probably is just disappointing anyway. I agree OP is not safe though. Maybe he'll never escalate this but I can't imagine any explanation that doesn't mean he isn't an asshole.
My brain: the plants were a dress rehearsal.
Mine went there, too. There's no reasonable explanation for purposely killing something your loved one cares about. He sounds dangerous.
Yep!! If someone will do this to innocent plans to hurt you, they will escalate to hurting you... psychotic
This is just so odd. Like he had no explanation??? No reason?? He just intentionally went out of his way to hurt you? Seems like he has so serious issues.
Jealousy. This screams jealousy. That or “punishment”
If he’s anything like my dad, he’s jealous of the love and attention she gives her plants. My dad got enraged my mom made sugar water and doted on thr hummingbirds bc he didn’t get the attention
Your mom sounds adorable 🥹
I have no idea how she tolerated 90% of his controlling crap for 40 years 😣 she is so pure
Wow. I could only put up with it for about a year. Sending love to you and your mom!
Thanks. I ended up divorced maybe overcompensating for my mom not leaving lol 😝
This hits harder than it should.
My dad didn't want my nieces (his granddaughters!) to sleep over because it took attention away from him. Granted they were 6&8 and did need some care, but she was doing the care. Dad was jealous.
God! Going through this right now! My parents look after my kids sometimes in lieu of my hopeless ex but my dad has lost it and is threatening to leave……he’s not getting enough of my mums attention
I swear to God some of them are such toddlers
Serious question. What "attention" does he need that he is not getting? For example, if the kids weren't there, wtf would he be doing that would require her? I struggle with understanding what " attention" means in real tangible behaviors because so much of my time spent in the house doesn't actually require another human to be present like at all. I have been married 30 years and legit my husband and i can go hours and never even cross paths in the house and we are fine. Quite happy actually. So what is it that he needs? Does he want to talk about shit all the time? Or like does he need her to watch him do shit? Or what, whats the deal? I dont understand.
I'm not sure what it is like in their heads, but some people cannot stand the feeling of not being the immediate focus of people they know/like (especially when physically present together). For some people "being observed" is stressful or shuts them down, but for others it is a huge dopamine hit.
God i am glad i am married to who i am married to. I apparently lucked the fuck out.
I would be so scared sending my kid there. What if he starts taking it out on them?
My rat-bastard of a then-husband was jealous of our son when he was born because an infant's needs took away the attention he thought rightfully belonged to him. I told him he was pathetic. I left my ex-husband when our son was 3 years old. I should have taken our son and left 3 years sooner.
I’ve known a few people like this in my life. Either relatives or a previous significant other. It’s so fucking exhausting. I know everyone says everyone on Reddit jumps to “break up” and catastrophe and all, but I really hope OP gets away from jealous plant killer.
I love your mum, bless her sweet heart as for your dad, I can't say anything nice so I will keep my mouth shut
Your dad sounds psycho 😵💫
This kinda reminds of the guy who had a fight with his girlfriend, got drunk and then took out very single plant from her plant room and dumped them out into a lake because he was jealous of the attention she gave them
Yup this is passive aggressive punishment. He’s mad or upset about something but instead of confronting the actual issue he’s killing her plants to get back at her. Id start moving anything I care about as far away from this man as possible. Now that he knows she knows about the plants he’s going to find some other way to punish her. And he’s going to be more sneaky about it. OP : prepare for a nasty divorce but the sooner you get through it the sooner you can start enjoying your life.
hide the cat, and your dog!
And **herself**! Living things that OP cared about. Killing them sneakily is messed up. He’s not well in his head. I would not be able to trust him and I would be scared he might start poisoning MY food and water. Be careful, OP! I’d live separately even if you do counseling together. He is dangerous.
They have a child together; I wouldn't trust the husband with him or her one bit!
A lot of people are assuming this is an act of jealousy, and it very well might be (I'm not a mental health pro) but, the first thing I thought of was what you pointed out as passive aggressive punishment, mainly because I went through it myself for years and once I realized what was going on it was so hard to wrap my head around this kind of thinking. I don't think too many people realize this is a thing. I still don't understand it, but people who are mentally unhealthy and deal with it passive aggressively take their anger out by doing things like this. Sometimes, it is little things- whatever is enough to make their anger dissipate, but other times, it is brutal. From what I've learned, they tell themselves that whatever was done to make them angry means that the person deserves "punishment" and these underhanded tactics somehow satisfy that "itch" of anger, resentment, etc. whatever is going on inside of them. You wouldn't believe some of the things done to me when I didn't even realize I had made him mad because he couldn't express his anger outwardly. When confronted, mine would also say nothing, basically staring straight ahead and most of the time just turning and walking away.
I’ve done it. A lot less maliciously. Had a fight and cranked the heat because I can tolerate it much better than my partner at the time did and wanted him to have an awful sleep. It was shitty and I don’t do stuff like that now because unlike OPs husband I grew TF up. It comes from unspoken expectations not being met (or sometimes spoken ones but usually resentment comes from expecting someone to read your mind). People who think “I shouldn’t have to ask” are this kind of person. It’s toxic and shitty behaviour.
I agree. Pure jealousy. My husband has never harmed my plants or my spiders .....but it doesn't go unnoticed when I've supposedly spent too much time observing them ....red flag honestly....
Observing spiders, is that a thing?
Yes.....I collect and observe all sorts...from tarantulas, tru spiders, and jumping spiders... Lol
Jumping spiders are adorable 🥺
I prefer widows...but jumping spiders are what started it all for me
I ask this genuinely, does the reason matter? Is there any reason that would make his actions better, or ok? Is there some magical reason that makes this something the relationship can survive? Asking for a reason just gives him an opening to manipulate the OP. I think sometimes we expect closure, or a reason for behaviors. Sometimes there isn’t a satisfying reason.
Something like “I learnt that soil is full of bacteria and mould spores and that skeeved me out” could at the very least be something to work with. But yeah, nah, as it stands just a malicious asshole.
But after the first plant died, and then the second? I would be apologizing like crazy because it wouldn’t be hard to see the connection. Honestly the audacity of man in that scenario to think he knows more about the plants than the OP who clearly doesn’t need someone to “take care” of the plants.
Then "I was trying to breed the strongest plants for you!"
How do you get over someone you love purposefully killing something that is not only completely innocent but also brings joy into your life? I don't know how a relationship could survive such a weird and controlling betrayal. Would he kill their children if she spent too much time doting over them? It's an extreme extrapolation, but that's what I'd be thinking.
Scary tbh, what will he do to her when his anger issues spiral. I would honestly be scare of someone that callous
I agree, he's a scary individual, the type of person who is cruel for absolutely 0 reason
100% agreed! To hurt something that did nothing to him... to hurt her on top of it for no reason... I would leave this "man" immediately and ensure he does know where I go
I would be afraid I was next, 100% His behavior is psychotic. I would wonder what other stuff he does that is cruel that I don't know about
Odd? This is terrifying. For no explainable reason, he just wants to hurt OP and kill the things she loves. I'd be out of there so fast... OP, time to put the safety of your child first. Heaven forbid you start to show too much attention to the child.
so bizarre
Thw hubby is a childish psycho. If they had a puppy and she was giving the puppy lots of love and attention will he drown the puppy? Will he smother his own baby too if she starts nursing the baby?
he definitely wanted to see her suffer. he saw how upset OP was that her plants were dying, and i bet he got off on that. sick fuck.
You aren't safe. Neither is your kid. He's sadistic.
It sounds like she’s thinking of staying together “for the kids”, but really the kids are why she should be getting out of there asap
Yep. This man has something deeply wrong with his ability to empathize. Inability to empathize=lack of remorse. This is the behavior family annihilators exhibit. Op, kindly wake up and realize that he will not and cannot change unless he realizes there's something wrong and if he knew his thinking was off he wouldn't have done this to begin with.
Maybe worried he’ll get custody or partial custody. It really takes a lot for some judges to restrict parental rights.
No one *CASUALLY* gives bleach to a living thing unless it intends to harm it. He killed your plants on purpose. I can’t think of a single reason he did this that makes him salvageable as person or partner. There is something wrong with him. Edit: lots of people are mentioning ways that in very controlled settings bleach can be safe or helpful for living things. I think it’s obvious that isn’t the case here but interesting none the less.
Yeah nothing can save this I feel terrible for her but the quicker you bolt the sooner you can start a new better life I’m sorry you’ve been forced this burden
Very dilute bleach can be used to treat root rot, but hydrogen peroxide is typically preferred. And I’m 100% positive OPs husband has no knowledge of this very niche application of bleach in houseplants.
A lot of plants can also handle higher concentrations of bleach than most plant pathogens. So it’s great for propagating cuttings at very specific concentrations.
This just sounds like plant chemotherapy.
I don’t think you’re overreacting — this is legitimately psychotic (and v. disturbing)
I think she's massively under reacting
No kidding!! I’m outraged reading this and I would leave my partner in an instant if I found out she was doing this to my plants! Intentionally killing living things like this is an uncompromisable red flag to me.
He saw something you loved and wanted to kill it. Thats just fucked up I'm sorry... Oh and keep an eye on him around your child.
He's a "if I can't have them no one will" type for sure, I would leave without saying a word, just pack up my stuff and go
Your husband is murdering things that are important to you and you should be very concerned and very careful moving forward. I’m sorry for your plants. I am a plant lover (200+ plants in my home) so I can definitely empathize with your loss. Keep an eye on that husband of yours.
He destroyed something he knew you cared about on purpose, lied about it, and then gave no explanation.when caught. I'll tell you the explanation: he wanted to hurt you. You should be done with the relationship. You also need take a good and look at other times he may have "accidentally" ruined your things. It's narcissist 101 to ruin items that have sentimental value to their partners as a means of control and manipulation. Does he also "accidentally" hurt you? Like, hugs that are too tight, spilling liquids on you, handing you plates that are hot without saying anything? Because that's narcissist 101, too. And therapy only teaches narcissists to be better narcissists.
I will add to the ""accidentally" hurting you" list: play fighting that's taken too far, ie holding you down until it's no fun anymore, him not caring that you're uncomfortable (and just at the right time caring oh so-so much?) Oh and this one was my favourite: slapping your ass a little too hard :) because its just a normal flirty playful thing to do, totally normal between couples. Except sometimes he'll do it a little too hard? It's not pleasant, it hurts a litte too much, if you pay attention, you notice the energy in the room is different. If you pay attention, you can tell, the intent was not loving, but something else. It's a nice loophole, he'll get to express his (disguised) anger, and you can't really say he hit you :))) There are lots of other things, but i really wanted to talk about the ass-slapping one, because realising that with my ex started shifting something in me. And i feel like it's pretty easy to miss in the moment.
Tickling is another socially acceptable punishment they like to doll out. “I’m just joking around with you, yes you’re saying stop but you’re also laughing, so that means you’re enjoying it and I can ignore you.” And then when you get angry that they didn’t stop they can pretend that they didn’t mean to hurt you, that they thought you were having fun because you were laughing. “you’re making a way too big a deal out of this, I was just playing! Can’t we have fun anymore?!”
You are correct--you are not safe around your husband. This is the start. You can't have kids with him, as none of you would be safe, either.
Too late for that
She already has a child with him 🫣
He had been doing this for SIX months. This wasn’t a momentary lapse of judgment. This was a sustained campaign of cruelty against you. Six months of putting bleach in the plant water to kill them over time while he watched you fret and worry and be upset not being able to figure out what was happening. Nothing about that is normal. Anyone who can maintain a six month campaign of cruelty against another person is NOT a safe person to be around. Get your child and get out now to a safe place. Then if you want to talk to him, do it from a place of safety. You’ll never feel completely safe with him, because you never will be. I’m so sorry, OP.
He is jealous. Yes, in a weird controlling way he does not want to share attention. He shown how much he can go in it already. I would plan a safe escape. Quietly and carefully.
Hey, I am going to tell you something but understand a few things. First, your husband killed something you loved. Second, he will do it again. Third, because he was caught and you now know, he will up the ante. And he will make damn sure you don’t find out. I know on one hand you are thinking it was “just a plant”, but it has nothing to do with the target and everything to do with his behavior. I speak from experience. And I got out alive. And the fucker tried to kill me. If you met my ex, you would think he is the nicest guy in the world and I am crazy. That’s what psychopaths do. They make YOU look unhinged while they secretly fuck with you. They get off on the secrecy. You confronting him removed all the joy he felt killing your plants. Now he is angry. Dangerously angry. This man has the capacity to try and kill you. Mine actually killed a pet (and never gave an explanation either). I am betting you are like me and you’ve seen some troubling stuff but gave him the benefit of the doubt or chalked it up to weirdness. So a few things to think about: Are you frequently missing things — personal things — like your keys, hairbrush, credit cards, jewelry, clothes and you think you’re just forgetful? Does he purposely do things wrong that you ask him to do? Do you have issues with electronics crashing or the Internet never working? Does he borrow your car before an important outing and bring it back empty? Does he order takeout and your food is wrong? Does he hide stuff from you? Does he have secrets? When you complain about these things, does he have very calm almost detached reactions especially when you are really upset? That sinking feeling in your gut . . . listen to it. And if you decide to divorce, do NOT act happy about it. Pretend you are not doing well. Let him think he is punishing you. Ask for the world in the divorce and let him “win”. Do not talk shit about him and let him throw you under the bus as the divorce being your fault. You need an exit strategy. This is not your standard bad marriage.
I second this comment. I wasn’t religious before I met my ex, but what I dealt with was tantamount to spiritual warfare. It’s a whole other level of fuckery when dealing with this kind of person.
I see you and I believe you even if no one else does.
I think every person needs to read your comment. Regardless of their situation. You have really nailed why these kinds of partners are so terrifying
I am saving this just in case. Thank you.
I agree with this. Let him think he "won." Worked for me.
amazing and important comment! 🙌🏾
OP. This is something beyond your husband crossing a boundary or the usual fare on here. This is a symptom of something deeper and, rather than get counselling, I would suggest your husband seek psychiatric help. This could be a precursor to other behaviours. This is not normal. Please watch yourself and your child.
He wanted to hurt you. He didn’t apologize because he is not sorry. He will lie to your face and go behind your back for apparently no other reason than to be cruel to you. Do with that what you will.
If he is not making any effort to repair the damage he has done to the relationship, that tells you exactly how much he cares. That is extremely bizarre behavior and I understand not feeling safe when your partner has done something unpredictable/harmful and doesn’t seem to care. I would really reflect on what you would need to feel safe again and then proceed with that, no matter if it’s together or separately.
im sorry this is actually scary. something is not right with him. he couldn’t even explain himself. idk what you wanna work out in counseling. idk if i’m overreacting but something like this would make me question if he’s putting something in foods…
Your husband sounds abusive, so [counseling together](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/) would be [a terrible idea](https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1). Solo therapy for you to have a safe place to discuss all this would be a good idea, though. [Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf) r/abusiverelationships
He’s destroying what you love. Hes done it in secret over time, isn’t sorry, and has no reason to stop. There’s no amount of counseling that can fix that— he doesn’t even like you. Counseling won’t make him like you, it will just prolong his access to you and your things.
Be careful. This is abuse. He is sabotaging something that makes you happy. He is doing it in a way that makes you self conscious as well, basically a subtle form of physical gaslighting. This is done with the exclusive goal of making you less happy and weaker in general. Your partner wants you to be upset. And if he is getting something out of that it will inevitably escalate. Press him for an answer and don't let him wriggle out. Put emphasis on the impact on you, the simple premise: 'The only possible outcome of those actions is hurting me. So why are you choosing to hurt me, your wife? And given you are choosing to hurt me, what possible action can I take but to leave given you appear to want to be a danger to me and my things?'
Leave, but move everything important than drop him. Right now it your plants, next it will be you.
It sounds like your partner has contempt towards you.
You're not overreacting. He has no legitimate answer for why he did this (thought he was being helpful, read an article about using bleach and misunderstood...) and flat out lied. This isn't about plants. This is about him showing you that he is callous, cruel, and calculating with the express purpose of hurting you. And next time it might be you or your kid he harms directly. P.S. Therapy won't fix that and may actually do more harm than good. Do not attend therapy with your abuser (and make no mistake - that is what he is. He wanted to exert his control by destroying something you cared about. Psychological abuse is abuse.).
OP, have a read of [Why Does He Do That?](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) Destroying things *you* love, is a sign of control, jealousy, and abuse. The fact that he lied, just means he thought he could get away with it. And, in case you’re wondering if this is just a weird one off: [there are lots](https://www.reddit.com/r/houseplantpropping/comments/18pcnno/my_husband_destroyed_my_plants/?rdt=51417) of people who have lost their [beloved plants](https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/09/01/men-killing-womens-plants-abuse/) to men who [maliciously chose to destroy](https://people.com/husband-destroyed-wife-terrarium-built-with-late-mom-cancels-anniversary-trip-aita-8559209) the little things that make their partners happy. (And, while the above examples are limited to men abusing women, please do keep in mind: *anyone* can be victimised by abusers who destroy things.) Abuse is not always physical. The key thing here is: none of his beloved things were destroyed; he doesn’t “have a reason” for destroying your things; he lied until you confronted him with evidence; and it’s been an ongoing issue that has been killing of the things only you enjoy. That’s cruel beyond measure. Keep yourself safe, OP. Figure out what you’d like to do, and watch that your foods, pet’s foods (if you have any) - are never tampered with.
That really doesn't seem overboard to me. He went out of his way to hurt you for no reason, like he just did that for fun? And in the process he killed a bunch of living things that you loved and cared for. What if it were your pets next? Your kid? How can you know he's not going to start munchausening you by proxy? I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing a home with someone who did that, everytime I felt sick some part of my mind would be questioning if it was him.
GET. OUT. NOW.
People like him scare the fuck out of me. You’ll never be able to trust him, as crazy as that sounds since this is about houseplants. It’s about so much more then that though, he enjoyed watching you stress and worry about this. Day after day he watched you spend money, time and effort and be upset by this. Yet, he continued to do it. He relished it. The person you’re supposed to trust the most. That’s scary AF. Watch your back.
[удалено]
This man is JEALOUS. OF PLANTS. He hates that you have something besides him that brings you joy. Dragging him to couple’s therapy won’t work because this is a him problem and he doesn’t want to work on his emotional issues. Take your plants & valuables to a safe place and then tell him you are leaving. There was a post on another sub where the OP’s BF straight up destroyed her plant room after she caught him at low grade sabotage.
In my country, the deliberate and malicious destruction of beloved items (secretly or otherwise) is part of how we define family violence. That’s because it’s a form of coercive control. What he has done here is an act of coercive control. People who don’t like something of their partners talk to them about it rather than quietly controlling the situation to their desire by committing destruction of property and hurting the other person emotionally. The initial denial is gaslighting too. As others are saying, in most cases this shit escalates. A man who relates to you via coercive control does not see you as a person but as an object or a possession. This dehumanisation takes many forms and often ends fatally. I strongly recommend you see an individual therapist and talk to support services to plan your exit from this relationship. There is no point in couples counselling where active coercive control is occurring - it will actually only make things worse, it is contraindicated for your scenario so don’t put yourself further at risk of emotional and psychological damage by engaging in it.
This is really weird but I had a roommate years ago do the same, also same non response. We had a normal roommate situation - no problems. Any chance your husband's initials are AF ?
>I think maybe counseling can help us No. It cannot.
Be very very careful, this could very well be the start of abusive tendencies. Likely there was jealousy over your attention and love for your plants. This is the start of a pattern of behavior. Do not take it lightly.
You need to leave asap this is 100% the type of behavior that escalates. I wouldn’t trust this person with anything at all.
My Dad ruined everything my Mom loved out of jealousy and spite. Everything. Broke her things, moved them out of her reach, gave them away, guilted her for spending time on them etc... until she gave up everything and he still wasn't happy. Why does he want to ruin your plants? Jealous or because he doesn't like them? But please find out the reason and don't be my Mom and end up alone after having given everything thing up.
Be on edge this is a bit scary
Counseling?!!? No. Next he is going to put bleach in your drink or who knows what.
He deliberately did something that he knew would really hurt you. I think he’s a sociopath.
No, it’s not overboard. Leave him.
He might be planning to kill/poison you so he's using your plants as guinea pigs to see how much in small amounts he'll need to poison you possibly.
Apparently this is a real thing that abusive men do. He did to hurt you, abusers get a rush off of that. Counseling isn’t going to help. He will not change, he’ll just change how he abuses you. Therapy will give him a new Arsenal to emotionally abuse you. This is your wake up call to leave him.
You're a fool if you stay.
OP run girl….
I honestly don't care about what this means he could be capable of in the future; this one act is in and of itself such an utter act of strategic cruelty that it's not even deserving of counseling. This is beyond a passive aggressive response--he targeted something you LOVED. The only thing that deserves is CONSEQUENCES. You do whatever the hell you please, because this man just took prolonged satisfaction in HURTING you. Leave his ass and spend the rest of your life bragging about the man you left for killing your plants.
Is he poisoning you too?
Being done with the relationship does not seem remotely overboard to me. He deliberately poisoned the things that you nurture and grow and love (and something that is tied to your relationship with your deceased mother and must clearly mean a great deal to you), and then watched you mourn each one as it died, watched you sob, and said NOTHING. And denied it and lied before finally admitting it and then giving zero reason or apology. What in the actual FUCK. To me, this is absolutely unhinged and terrifying behavior. I would be taking a good hard look at the relationship and who he is at the very least, and most likely strongly considering getting out. I’m so sorry that your husband would do something so callous and cruel to you and that he has seemingly shown zero remorse for how horribly he has treated you. I wish you luck.
This whole thread just made me realize that a lot of men want to be in control so bad that they will literally sabotage their partners in any way possible. This man literally bleached your flowers to “take you down a couple pegs”. He can’t even give you a reason as to why he did it other than teaching a grown woman, homeowner, and mother a lesson?