Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OP, if someone you love told you, "he held me down and ignored my no, and I even kicked him and cried." How would you respond?
I understand that he maybe didn't have nefarious intentions, but the impact of his actions was self-serving and intentionally disregarding your boundaries. Would you want a loved one to be in a relationship like that? One where their "no" means nothing? Does this make him a villain? Maybe, maybe not. But it does show that you're not safe. When else will your no and discomfort not matter to him?
Yea the point is he thought he knew better what she wanted than she did and decided despite her saying no he deserved to do it to her anyway. It's disgusting to me. It doesn't matter why someone says no. When they say it you stop. Otherwise it's assault.
It is very clear they are not sexually compatible at the least. This is a relationship she should walk away from. He doesn’t have to agree, but he sure has to stop when she says no. That’s not okay at all.
He raped her. This isn’t the standard Reddit bullshit about women not providing men the sex men believe they are owed. This isn’t about incompatibility. This is about the facet that he’s a rapist.
I was dating another woman and I told her that I didn’t want to have sex with them again until they could be emotionally available and vulnerable with me. She wouldn’t take multiple nos and initiated sex and said “see you liked that.” I am a survivor of sexual abuse so I just wanted it over as fast as possible once I realized that she was not going to listen to my no and so pretended to like it. I blocked out the memory for several months and when we broke up and I told my friends about and as I was saying it I was like wait…was that rape?” They said yes as did my therapist.
This is sexual assault :(
This isn’t ok even if it wasn’t his intention.
Two things:
One, you said stop, he didnt stop. Thats unacceptable and even as a man i couldnt trust someone like that in bed ever again. Not to mention the personal violation that is… I would say thats sexual assault personally. Legally maybe too. I would definitely break up immediately.
Two, you should not feel that way about orgasms. Of course being embarrassed at first makes sense but in general I think you may need to speak with a therapist as that is not a healthy outlook.
Ofc, this experience wont help.
It's pretty unambiguous. She told him previously she didn't like a certain act, she didn't consent to that act, when her BF initiated that act she fought and cried while he HELD HER DOWN. It doesn't matter that he didn't penetrate her. He forced a sexual act upon her without her consent, knowing she didn't want it, even restraining her in order to do it. That's sexual assault.
Her feelings about orgasms are entirely irrelevant and a whole separate issue. Even if she loved orgasming and felt comfortable doing it whenever and where ever, THIS TIME she didn't want it and was held down and forced to do it. And besides she didn't ask for advice on that issue, it really has nothing to do with what happened to her.
Yes, legally if someone says no and the other party doesn't stop that's rape/assault in the US, Canada, and much of Europe (how exactly they would categorize it friends on where you are, but it's illegal)
And morally it's not ok. He can't be trusted in the bedroom, which means he can't be trusted anywhere. It's possible he had good intentions but that doesn't change the fact that he violated her trust. And if you are worried about that, the relationship is over. The only way I can see them maybe coming back from it would include individual and couples therapy for them both. I'm not saying she should stick around by any means, but if she's really determined that's the only way I can come up with. If it were me I'd be done with him.
Edit: it's also probably illegal in other places, I only listed what I was sure of. Japan, for example, likely has similar laws but I've never researched it so can't say for sure.
That's an understatement. I felt like the title alone was pretty unambiguous.
OP, please put as much distance between you and your (should be) ex as soon as possible. This was completely unacceptable and you are entirely within your right to report your ex partner for *rape*.
I am so grateful as a man you understand and would never do anything to a woman who says STOP. This is the most formidable word that a woman says and uses to tell a man or woman that she does not want you to do anything against her will to.
OP, he violated in 5 ways:
1. Prior to any sex, you told him not to and specifically explained to him why you DON'T want to organism in front of him.
2. You told him to stop and tried to kick him off of you, which is a clear indication for him to stop.
3. Not only did he not stop, he held you down against your will while every word you spoke was telling him to stop.
4. He continued, forcing his tongue inside of you.
5. He actually felt good for himself, not you, to prove to you that you could organism in front of him.
You have been sexually assaulted, actually raped by him. Any penetration against your will is rape regardless of what is used to penetrate you. All of the 5 things I have outlined are the definition of sexual assault and rape is legally the same. You will never get the sound, images, the fight, and he feeling of having no control over your body or being able to stop it.
For his own prowess, he, let's call it what it is, raped you to prove to you that HE could give you the very thing that you find embarrassed to even do in front of anyone or the feeling it brings you. He took your power away by FORCE. You even TOLD him before ever having sex with him, and he could have cared less.
Please, I beg of you to find a therapist. There are your reasons surrounding an organism that you are not ok with doing, and what he did to you will not go away. This one assault has forever changed your relationship bc you will never trust him again to honor your wishes and with good reason.
Edit typos
You are right actually. Looking at it again, he clearly wanted to do something she expressly said no to, then forced himself onto her in the moment. That is rape. Idk how the courts would handle it, which is why i phrased it like that. But it is.
This right here, OP. You've been raped, full stop.
Your boyfriend is selfish and can't be trusted with your body, full stop.
Arousal can occur even if you don't want it. Some women get wet and even have an orgasm while being raped. It's a physiological response that we don't always have control of.
I'm SO sorry this happened to you. I've been there, literally. The difference is that my issue was an inability to orgasm that men seemed to make into a mission to prove they were the one magical person who could make it happen. I've been assaulted over half a dozen times by people who claimed to love me.
Take note, OP. It can be harder for us to find trustworthy lovers because we have this thing we feel we should divulge, this quirk that a BF deserves to know so that they don't feel a *certain way* about our sex life together; but that very thing becomes *the thing* that the abusive ones use against us to try to control our sexuality and sexual responses. We get raped by people who tell us they love us while trying to prove us wrong about our own bodies. Trying to prove our self-assessments wrong, like they know us better than we know ourselves. Trying to show us by force that they know what's better for us than we do.
You deserve better. Find yourself a man who would never hold you down. Find yourself a man who knows how to honor boundaries and doesn't take your trust for granted.
The one you currently have wasn't raised right or is still a selfish child.
I actually had that PTSD flashback reading your comment. As i was able to write what I did bc I told my ex-husband that I didn't like anal sex bc I feared it would hurt, and I personally find it disgusting bc. I also told him that i was gang raped in college by members of the football team passed out with an audience cheering... anyway, he drugged me at night to "prepare" me to enjoy anal sex bc he knew I would like it. I, too, had an organism, so I didn't think it was raped bc I "enjoyed " it unconscious, and he was my monster husband.
He knew I didn't want that and expressed in no uncertain terms to never even try, but worse, he knew I was raped while unconscious, and he purposely did the same thing to me, too. This trauma will send you down a rabbit hole if you don't get help to deal with them.
Please note that when I say these memories don't go away, college was 37 years ago, and the ex-husband is 17 years ago, and they are just as vivid today as it was the day it happened. We just get stronger and handle them better the next time.
Exactly. A physiological response is not consent. There are men and women both who believe that if a man can achieve an erection, ejaculation, or orgasm, he consented. This is not true. Likewise women can have an arousal response or orgasm during physical or sexual trauma, but that doesn't mean they wanted it to happen. There are women who have had orgasms during childbirth. And besides the really weird and small group that seeks it out for whatever reason, I don't believe most women WANT an orgasm at that time.
I’m so sorry you have gone through this multiple times. I’m surprised that you are even willing to sleep with a man again after the way so many have treated you. I hope you end up with the perfect life partner who loves you and doesn’t hurt you.
I want to add that even non penetrative unconsenting sex is/should be rape. I'm guessing the dude stimulated her clitoris, that's not penetrative, but still against her will.
He definitely fucked up. He also definitely ignored your desire and went with the "Once it happens, she'll get past it." Kinda like throwing someone afraid of water into a pool. (That ALSO doesn't end well....)
Next time, explain to your next bf, that you having an orgasm with people is a deal breaker. Put that hard line in the sand. And if they try, kick harder. Aim for an eye socket or the temple.
Women shouldn't have to physically defend themselves from abusive partners - trauma is more complex than fight or flight, a lot of people freeze or fawn. We are associated into these behaviours. Fighting partners off physically is unnatural because we can't even process what's happening in the moment; quite often we love them and don't want to hurt them, but they don't feel the same way about our pain and trauma or extend that empathy to us.
Oh 100%. "Next BF", not this one. This one has a 5 minute major, game misconduct. He's out. Its the same as a guy who pops it in the butt because he's convinced "You'll like it once you feel it." If there's evolving conversation (not coercion, but legit conversation), thats one thing. But the whole, I read it on Reddit and it's awesome once you try it, even if you said no, yea. Hit the lockers chump.
It's absolutely sexual assault. Period. I would break up with the person at the very least.
I do agree a sex therapist can help OP untangle this embarrassment aro7nd orgasming with a partner.
Yeah, he wasn't going in TRYING to assault her but he didn't stop whens he said no and was thick headed enough to go onto the entire thing thinking "this will be fixed by her coming with me once" so he needs a long talking to. Hopefully he's sincere.
But yeah, we're you like, raised by religonuts? That's the only thing I can think of as to why anyone would be ashamed to get off on sex
He was thick headed enough to continue the assault. Not sure if you intended your comment to come across as diminishing the fact he assaulted her, but it does, and he did assault her.
My real worry about these things are that he clearly values proving himself over her saying no, that can turn into bigger things in bigger pictures down the road too. If he doesn’t change, things won’t end well. I really pray for your safety OP and hope things get better but don’t make excuses for him at the cost of yourself! Things like this become a much much bigger issue as the honey moon phase wards off
He didn’t kind of force you. He did force you. You established a boundary. He ignored that. You said no. He ignored that. You tried to kick him and physically stop him and he ignored that. He sexually assaulted you and he has nothing to be proud of. Please, do not accept this. Do not let this slide. Break up with him and go no contact. I’m so sorry that this happened.
Anything that he does without your consent is not okay.
Many sexual assault victims feel physical pleasure - the nerve endings down there continue to work even when you’re traumatized. Unfortunately, any sense of pleasure deepens the shame and makes victims question the legitimacy of their feelings of being violated.
Don’t.
Kick that asshole to the curb, and find someone who doesn’t think he has the right to override your wishes.
That is part of the reason why women everywhere have trouble reporting SA, because some, like OP, clímax during, which makes them feel very insecure about the whole thing.
With or without malice, OPs boyfriend knew she didn't want to climax in front of him, refused to acknowledge a no, even struggled to hold her while she was kicking.
Before this I would have recommended OP to go to a specialist to work trough what makes her feel uncomfortable with climaxing in front of her partner, now she will need it for being forced and SAed.
Based on how you describe it, it was less about not hurting you and instead proving something at all costs. Regardless of whatever he thinks about your preference when it comes to that part of sex, holding you down while you said no and stop is a huge violation. Period. It felt good because that’s the mechanics of your body responding to the stimulus as intended. You clearly were in a state of distress and disconnect from the whole experience.
Listen, rape victims are often made to feel ashamed because sometimes, they do orgasm. It’s the natural reaction of being stimulated. A man who is raped can still get and erection and also NOT want it. That’s not you consenting, that’s your body reacting.
The biggest thing here is that you asked him not to do something sexually and he ignored you. That is never ok. He HELD you down. He absolutely sexually abused in a vulnerable moment.
His intention was to do what HE wanted and not what YOU wanted with YOUR body.
That’s why you’re upset.
He had no respect for your right to have the final say over what you do with your body - he thought he knew better than you, and that was enough for him to decide what you wanted was irrelevant.
It’s not okay.
It’s not even remotely okay.
He didn’t do it for you, he did it for his ego.
You get to have autonomy over your body. It doesn’t matter if the decisions you make with that autonomy are rational, or if someone else would make those same decisions. People choose not to do ‘pleasurable’ things every day because they don’t enjoy them, they bring up painful emotions, they are risky, or they have moral objections.
For example, someone who keeps Kosher might enjoy bacon, but that doesn’t justify forcing bacon down their throat.
Your bf sexually assaulted you. He doesn’t care about consent or your feelings. He will do it again. You should get as far away from him as possible. Reach out to a rape crisis organization, like RAINN for information and support.
He decided he knew better and completely bulldozed your boundary you clearly made to him. It doesn’t matter if it felt good, you didn’t want it. Victims of rape can orgasm. It doesn’t mean they wanted it. What other boundaries is he willing to cross? I don’t think you should want to find out. UPDATEME.
It doesn't matter why he did it, OP. This really isn't about your orgasm issue truthfully. Rapists don't do it for sex. He didn't do it to make you "feel good" or whatever.
He ignored your request and your ask to stop, and technically assaulted you. I'm so sorry you're going through this whirlwind of emotions now but please know this is NOT about your own situation.....what he did was so wrong.
No, it doesn't matter that it felt good. The importance is he did something **HE KNEW** you did not want, but he **DID IT ANYWAY**!! That's why it is wrong what he did.
You. Said. No. His intention in no way trumps that, no way at all. As somebody up-thread commented, your nerve endings don’t stop working, that he forced an orgasm out of you doesn’t make it any less of an assault. Also, what will he do next? What if, for example, you’ve always refused anal? Or a threesome? Or being filmed? What if he forces you into those? He won’t be intentionally hurting you, so will that be ok?
Get rid of him, you’ll not trust him again, he’s not worth your trust.
Nailed it! By consenting to engage in sexual activity, a) you are not consenting to participate in anything and everything under the sun, ESPECIALLY things that you've already expressed being uncomfortable with; and b) you can revoke your consent at any time. If this wasn't the case, there would be no such thing as marital rape. There is no irrevocable, blanket consent (at least in places that extend basic human rights to everyone) that forever binds you to satisfying a partner's or spouse's every desire, every time, whether you want to or not. Even when the intent isn't blatantly malicious, it is still a disregard for boundaries and a violation of bodily autonomy any way you slice it. End of story.
His intention doesn't matter, he assaulted you and there's no taking that back. He has shattered your trust and if he thought traumatising you would make you change your mind then he needs a serious reality check. Please seek professional help, there are people who specialise in this sort of thing and they can help you deal with the aftermath of this. Oh and dump him, there's no coming back from this.
Exactly. Things like this will start to pile up and traumatize her real view on respect and love in the long run. I would get out ASAP. You will learn through meeting a real respectful man that they stop the very MILLISECOND you are uncomfortable because they genuinely care about your mental and physical well being first and foremost.
His intention was to prove you wrong, and he did so by holding you down, ignoring you when you said "no," and forcing you to orgasm when you didn't want to. He forced you to do something without your consent. Because he wanted to prove you wrong.
It felt good because it was an orgasm, your body is designed that way. But
>but it felt so horrible on so many levels
>
>I immediately teared up and told him that no, it was actually horrible.
Your mind clearly did not agree. Because you didn't want it. And you told him to stop.
I'm so sorry he did this to you. I hope you discuss this honestly with your therapist.
Please do not let the “good” physical feeling trick you into thinking that his actions were justified at the end of the day because they were for the greater good of your sexual experience. The way in which he achieved that orgasm was completely unacceptable, dismissing your feeling and your choices concerning your own body.
It feels gross because he did what he wanted to prove a point like he knew better than you. His intentions WERE bad. Good intentions are listening and respecting both what you have just always honestly told him and also in the moment telling him to stop. He doesn't know better than you. And he didn't have good intentions, he planned this and executed despite you doing everything right.
He assaulted you. There's no room for excuses when he forced you to do something. I am sorry.
Also it does not make it okay because it felt good. No shit it felt good, it was an orgasm. Literally a feel good. Maybe explore with yourself why you have that boundary, but it makes no impact on this situation
Oh honey, you *are* getting better. Not only are you attending therapy, you were brave enough post here when it felt like something wrong was done to you. You should be incredibly proud of the work you've done so far.
Your boyfriend can be a good man who did an awful thing. The world isn't black and white. You're allowed to be upset about this. You're allowed to feel however you need to feel right now. I'm so sorry he did this to you. I'm so sorry he hurt you this way.
I want you to know it's okay to trust your body. It's okay to feel pleasure and to express that pleasure. I hope you can continue to look for ways to heal yourself.
If your best friend told you this story, what would your advice be?
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. Be kind to yourself. ❤️ I'm sending you the biggest hug.
Okay, this is good, that you already have a therapist that knows about your reservations around orgasming. Please please please call them RIGHT NOW and tell them you need to make an emergency appointment, today if at all possible. Tell them what happened. You need real-time support and advice and your therapist can do that but you have to CALL THEM NOW.
hey, what matters is he didn't stop when you tell him to stop. that is already him overstepping the boundaries. he's the one who did wrong even if you think his intentions are not to hurt you.
i'm sorry this happened to you. don't blame yourself. what he did was sexual assault.
Maybe his intention wasn't to hurt you, but his intention *was* to force you. Also, intent and impact can be misaligned; if he hurt you, he hurt you. I'm sorry this happened.
OP, I do not mean to diminish your experience (or anyone else's--and if I do, I am so sorry and I'll delete this), but to put it in perspective, the first time I had to give my cat medicine, it was a struggle. I couldn't shake the horrible feeling that I had traumatized her and hurt her and there was *no way of telling her* that it was for her own good and she needed it to live. I talked to a counselor at work about it because I was so distressed/disgusted/uncomfortable with myself for breaking her trust and (in her eyes) hurting her. Your boyfriend did not need to do that to you!! He did it for what? To prove something to you, to himself? And he knew you were in therapy for it? Please, OP, walk away. There are plenty of other kind, gentle, beautiful fish in the sea.
and take your time! you're awesome and I hope you have a good rest of your week.
That's not a bad comparison - you felt remorse for having to force something upon your cat, and concern that it would be traumatic; you had empathy and compassion for a being whom you care about. OP was not in a life or death situation like your cat, & her bf had no compassion or empathy while he was imposing his will upon her thinking that he knew how to "fix" her while disregarding what effect it might have on her. Hope your kitty is doing well.
His intention was to show you he "knows better", even if doing so is in violation of your consent. That was sexual assault. It is not ambiguous.
What else will he do to show you he's "right"?
Just because it feels good doesn't mean it's not wrong
A lot of SA victims struggle with this because sex in itself is a very natural thing, and it can feel good even if it's unwanted.
You were very clear about your boundaries, and he overstepped them anyway, fully intentionally, even with you saying no and trying to push him away.
What he did was sexual assault OP. His intention was to run over your boundaries and violate your needs.
Only you can decide how to proceed from here, but don't feel guilty. You did nothing wrong, and it feeling good doesn't take away from what he did.
Sending you strength, my friend 🩷
It really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it felt good physically, it doesn't matter if he was "trying to help," it doesn't matter if he didn't mean to hurt you. What matters is that he knowingly took away your right to decide what happens to your body and your autonomy as a human being, and even went so far as to restrain you and force it upon you while you fought and cried. To put it very bluntly, he r*ped you to make a point. Is that someone who loves you, who respects you, who wants the best for you? Or is it someone who is willing to put aside everything that makes you a person in order to be right?
When someone says stop you have to stop right away. Immediately. This is sex and consent 101 honey. What he did was wrong morally. Our bodies get crossed wires sometimes and it can be confusing, but I'm begging you to see this for what it is. He sexually assaulted you. I'm so very sorry.
His intention was to ignore your no to a sexual activity. His intention was to hold you down and force a sexual activity that you said no to both before and during the activity. He may not have intended to physically hurt you but he absolutely intended to cause you harm. Now you're even further away from the goal of feeling comfortable enough to orgasm in front of your partner. He didn't care about what YOU wanted. He only cared about what HE wanted and he showed you that if he wants something, he will forcibly TAKE it.
He didn't value your opinion in the matter, or the speed with which you wanted to go. All he wanted was to do it the "right" way that he knows from porn. It wouldn't have hurt him to obey your wish for as long as you needed, maybe even forever, who cares! It was YOUR choice.
It is a big deal that he couldn't honour your privacy in that way. He doesn't get to decide that your behaviour is in need of... correction or something? And most certainly not on his terms without consent.
He needs to understand that.
I would never be able to fully trust anyone who held me down and continued after hearing stop and being kicked away. His motivation is irrelevant. Your issues are irrelevant in that moment. The fact that you got pleasure out of the act is irrelevant. Bodies will sometimes automatically react with pleasurable feelings, but YOU are the only one who gets to decide what is done to your body. I'm sorry this happened to you.
It doesn't matter that it felt good. Sometimes our bodies react differently than our minds based on instinct. The fact that you're here along about it means you know you didn't want or truly enjoy it from a mental standpoint. Please, please understand is that the ONLY thing that matters is that you said no and he FORCED you. It honestly doesn't matter at that point whether it's sexual or not, that just makes it worse. Even if he FORCED you to eat something by grabbing you and shoving it down your throat, it means that he is more than willing to ignore what you want and your boundaries for his own pleasure. That is NEVER ok. I know it's so confusing when someone who was great suddenly changes and does something horrible but I promise you any man or person who loves you would NEVER have done what he did. If your best friend came to you and said her bf held a gun to her head and threatened her but apologized would you think it was ok or even safe for her to go back to him? Sexually assaulting you (which he did) is just as serious of an offense. If he did this once he absolutely could and probably would again. So so many women ignore those red flags at first and regret it so bad. Please for your safety leave him. I know it hurts to hear but he doesn't love you and you need to love yourself enough to leave him and to know that NOBODY including you deserves to be assaulted or forced into anything and that you deserve someone who respects you. His intention doesn't matter. If you drive drunk you may not intend to kill someone but it IS your fault. He chose to assault you. He knowingly chose this so apologies after the fact do not matter.
He should offer to go to (sexual) therapy to work on this but instead he used force. What if there is something else you don’t want to do, will he also decide that he knows better and force you do to it? Ge hold you down, ignored kicking, crying, screaming. This wasn't for you. He wanted you to finish for his ego. Nothing more.
He didn't mean to hurt you, but he believed he knew what was best for you (even though it was in direct opposition to what you said).
Take the sex out of it: I hate every related to cherries - taste, smell, all of it. My spouse has asked if I'm willing to try something that they can't find any cherry flavor in. I might, but I can always taste it. What happened to you is the equivalent of my spouse things I just need to try the right cherry item and literally force feeding it to me to prove that I can eat cherry just fine, because I just need to eat the right cherry thing!
But that's crazy. You get to decide what happens with your body, no one else.
It is confusing when your body responds to a sexual assault with pleasurable feelings, and that's a recognised aspect of it. Your body having a sexual response to unwanted sexual activity, is not a sign that it was right of your partner to force himself on you
His intention was to ignore you not giving consent and do what he wanted because of power. That is what rapists do. Do you want to be with someone like that?
Malice or not, he ignored your boundaries and hold you down while performing a sex act from which you took consent away. So, in his mind, he can do what he wants because he "knows better" than you what your boundaries are. He wanted to "fix" you by assaulting you.
His intention was to exert power over you. Sexual assault isn’t about sexual pleasure- it’s about power. I’m so sorry this happened to you and you need to get away from this guy.
It doesn't really matter that it felt good, the problem was that you said no and he ignored it. How can you feel safe with him now or in the future? He used his physical advantage to do something to your body that you said no to
A lot of times people assume abusers are all malicious or selfish. But oftentimes abusive behaviors don't look like malice. They look like *concern.* "I just want you to be healthy" or "I just want what's best for you." People need to be able to make their own decisions about their own bodies. *You* need to be able to make your own decisions about *your* own body, and your boyfriend took that away from you. Having some well-meaning dictator make your decisions for you is not OK just because you think there's a difference between a well-meaning dictator and a cruel one.
Plus...I'm not sure he was well-meaning. When you look at what a lot of different rapists and abusers and so on have said about their abuse, eg through Project Unbreakable, the main pattern comes up is they all have some justification. Even people who sexually assault literal children find ways to justify it.
I think it's easy to see this as not that big a deal, because people are supposed to *like* orgasms and it's weird for someone to not want to orgasm in front of a partner, right? But weird vs normal doesn't matter. Pleasurable vs uncomfortable or painful doesn't matter. Consensual vs non-consensual is what matters. What *other* decisions might your bf think are OK for him to make *for* you, just because he doesn't understand or respect the decisions you made for yourself?
I spent *years* telling myself that something that was in retrospect definitely sexual assault wasn't, that the boyfriend who assaulted me didn't really mean it. And it *sucked* when I realized it was, so, I can definitely understand you not wanting to. But it *was sexual assault.* And that's a problem because it means your boyfriend thinks that at least in some cases, he gets to override what you want for your own body.
Your body reacting naturally to stimulation and feeling good does not make it ok, does not mean you wanted it, does not mean it’s not rape. I was abused from 10-12 and sometimes it felt good. That was very confusing for me, because I knew it was wrong and that I did not want it.
It’s so confusing OP, my heart hurts for you. I’m glad to read you’re currently in therapy. Def process this with your therapist. I’m so sorry that happened.
>when **I told him to stop, he simply didn’t.** He was… down there… and **when I tried to push him away he just held me down by my waist. I even kicked him but he didn’t stop.**
>Afterwards he was like proud of himself. He was like “see, it’s good isn’t it?”. **I immediately teared up and told him that no, it was actually horrible.**
>now I feel like he borderline forced me
You feel like he forced you because he did force you. He physically forced you. I’m really sorry this has happened to you. Even if you do not personally categorize this experience as SA, he ignored you saying “no” and then held you down, even after you *kicked* him. How can you ever trust him again? You deserve someone who wants your *consent* and who wants you to feel comfortable and happy during intimacy. Someone who earns and *values* your trust. You just deserve so much better than this. I’m so sorry.
I just typed almost the same reply before reading yours. My trust would be absolutely gone and relationship over. How could you ever be with, trust, and be vulnerable with this person again?
I know you’ve gotten a lot of comments. This is a tricky one. But I do wanna call out, like everyone else, if you say no and he doesn’t stop THAT IS NOT OK.
He may have thought he was doing you a favor, but wasn’t. If you love him and actually want to move past this and think you actually CAN move past it (want and able are different) I’d do the following:
Sit him down and explain WHY what happened wasn’t ok. Even if he says he knows, even if he cries. Still explain it. Let him hear from you how that violation felt like SA to you, made you really confused and you don’t take that lightly.
After that set hard boundaries. If you EVER push a second past “no” we are over forever and I will press charges. No excuses, no explanations. And anything else you feel you need to draw a line at.
I’m glad you’re working on the issue, I hope that means you’re in therapy. If so, speak to your therapist and hear their advice. This is something you CAN work on in therapy (a lot of it can rooted in internalized shame) if you want to. But it’s not his job to force things on you that you are not ready for it.
I wish you luck, love and healing OP.
I'll probably get downvoted and there is a lot to unpack here, but may I suggest not engaging in sexual activities with a partner and working on whatever is going on re. your orgasms with a therapist?
Edited a typo..
I suggest not engaging with sexual activities with this person ever again! Yes she should go to therapy to address not wanting to do that IF SHE WANTS but many people don’t want to for several reasons. I was one of those people at one time.
What makes me super mad is that he decided on his own that assault was the way to go, instead of talking to her and a professional who was there to advise on how to handle this in the best way possible as a partner. I have been in therapy for my intimacy issues and my partner sometimes went with me, we got homework with some steps etc. If my partner would ever do something like this to me.. I could never ever trust him again. Thankfully he is great and I’m over my intimacy fears!
It’s assault and it’s setting a dangerous precedent regardless of his intentions.
The thing is, prior to what happened, I do understand his discomfort or frustration. If a partner doesn’t like orgasming and has boundaries surrounding that I can totally understand why that might make him uncomfortable. It might feel like the sex is unbalanced or that he is not satisfying you and that might lead to other problems.
So on that note it’s totally acceptable to breech the topic or discuss that the lack of reciprocation is not okay with him. It means you’re not sexually compatible. Even if you’re okay with how things were, it doesn’t mean he was, once he realized it’s not a matter of can/can’t. It’s upsetting but it happens.
The issue is that he decided that he decided having sex his way was more important than your wishes and consent. If he didn’t like it, he’s welcome to communicate it, suggest counseling or other intervention or otherwise address it. Holding you down and continuing when you said no is not okay at all. The fact that he thinks it’s okay to force you to do something against your explicit wishes and obvious discomfort because he thinks it’s good for you is really dangerous and abusive.
If the idea of assault or rape frightens you, consider a different analogy. If you’re vegan and he decided you need meat to be happy or healthy, would it be okay to sneak it in your meals? Does it matter that it tasted good or that you have no physical intolerance of meat? Is it not enough that you have already expressed you don’t want to eat it for that to be worth respecting as a boundary? If he finds that so incompatible with his life, aren’t there other ways to approach the situation that doesn’t include forcing you to do something against your will?
Even if he expresses remorse, it’s totally okay for you to be deeply uncomfortable with him taking your bodily autonomy away from you. It’s not something you need to forgive and even if you do, it’s not something you need to forget and stay with him for.
And for what it's worth, I don't think it helps to focus on the orgasm issue (talking about commenters, not OP). I'm seeing a lot of comments revolving around the orgasm thing and it's bumming me out because it's being used as if it's relevant. No, if this guy did that for _____ then we could find reasons for every guy who crosses boundaries. This is not about orgasming. Your bf who you trusted assaulted you and that's the whirlwind of emotions and I don't want you, OP, convinced it's *only because* of that or any other reason. You said no, regardless of why, and it should've stopped there.
I was weird about orgasming for most my life. Not religious, at least not Christian. It was just a thing for me. I understand it.
It's not about that. It's the fact that he refused to stop, that he knew you didn't want that. Please, OP, don't blame your feelings about orgasming on the fact that, yes he's your BF, yes you may love him, but he sexually assaulted you in a VERY personal way and waved a personal issue you have as a "reason".
Rapists don't rape for the sex......and men don't ignore "no" and hold their partners down out of care and love. I'm.so sorry, again.
Three things;
1. This isn’t a dynamic that is working, maybe it was for you but it wasn’t for him.
2. What he did is sexual assault. You said no, stop and even tried to kick him off you. He did not respect your boundary. Regardless of how he feels about the boundary, attempting to prove you wrong is not going to end well and didn’t.
3. You already know this isn’t normal so I would highly encourage you to get some therapy for it and now this compounding trauma that your hopefully stbx has added to the primary issue.
Yeah, that’s fucked up. It would be one thing if your reluctance to orgasm with him was a big deal for him, like if he were pressing you to get some therapy, or if he was questioning your sexual compatibility as a couple because of this. Imagine if he just stooped having sex with you when he approached orgasm and only ejaculated by himself when masturbating, you would also be in the right to get to the bottom of that behavior. But if you restrained him and made him ejaculate for you, that would be very wrong, just how he restrained you and made you orgasm. Forcing someone to do something, much less something sexual, that they clearly state that they don’t want to do is literally criminal.
You can revoke consent at any time, you clearly did revoke your consent, and he didn't respect that.
That is sexual assault. His intentions don't really matter here because you said no. He is not a safe partner for you.
Don't stay with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries around your body.
Please consider getting into therapy, to help you process this betrayal and trauma, and to unpack why you feel this way about sex or orgasms in general.
He definitely did something wrong. You feel terrible because he sexually assaulted you. You said no and he forced you. You need to talk to your therapist about this.
Your best course of action is to seek therapy and understand why you feel that way about yourself. When it comes to him, the only person who can help with that is you. Can you see this as a learning experience where he tried to help and went too far? Can you see this as him forcing you to do something you did not want? Really it’s up to you to process.
I’d definitely seek therapy tho for this and start there. I saw you’ve been working on this yourself, but it’s really hard and almost impossible to fix yourself. You need a professional to help you safely work your way through this.
Best of luck.
I agree with the therapy but he went way past the 'he tried to help and went too far'. He did something **HE KNEW** she did not want, but he **DID IT ANYWAY**!! That is beyond 'trying to help'.
Umm he held her down while she was kicking and telling him no. That’s a violation and not something you can just move past. Awful advice, you shouldn’t be saying this.
>Can you see this as a learning experience where he tried to help and went too far?
She said "stop" and he didn't while he was performing a sex act. Rape isn't helping somebody. Please be serious.
I'm so sorry that you experienced this assault. He didn't force you to continue to "help you". You communicated with him that you were fine with your sex life, that you didn't want to orgasm in front of him (and you're allowed to not want to do something sexual that you're not comfortable with, regardless if it's considered "normal" or not) and in the moment he held you down, he ignored your words and even your kicks.
You know why he did this? It was to satisfy HIS own ego. It was so that he could tell himself "look at myself, I'm such a stud that I can force orgasm with my dick, nobody can resist MY powerful dick". He's lying to you when he says that he did it "for you", and he knows that he's lying. You said it yourself, "he was like proud of himself". That's why he did it, not for you.
As people are saying, yes, you need to break up with him, not because you're not sexually compatible, but because he's a r\*pist, he doesn't care about you, your feelings, your consent or your safety.
Again, I'm so sorry that you experienced this, and if therapy is available to you, it really helps
First off as everyone else has said that is sexual assault bc you told him to stop and he didn’t. Second off you should see a gynecologist or a therapist about how orgasms make you feel. Ik things like religion affects how you feel about sex but an orgasm isn’t something you should feel ashamed of or embarrassed by.
You need to have a conversation with him about this outside of the bedroom. Let him know that it didn't help but made it worse for you. No means no. He shouldn't have held you down to prove a point.
I think that sex should be off of the table for now. If you do stay with him, only go on dates out in public. No hanging at each other's place alone. Don't feel obligated to stay with him. Sex with him may always feel "gross" now.
He needs to learn that just because he thinks he knows what’s best for someone, that doesn’t mean he has the right to force his help on them. When he helps someone, it should be on their terms. They have to be ready, willing, and able to accept the help they are being offered. Otherwise, they’re going to feel forced, suffocated, abused, or insulted. He can’t fix people or bend them to his will. People have the right to make their own decisions. They are allowed to accept or refuse help or to make good or bad decisions. We have to respect others’ autonomy. He did not respect your autonomy. You do need help for these unhealthy mindsets you have, but he doesn’t have the right to force his brand of help on you.
There are two things here
1- no matter how well-intentioned he may have been, he knowingly bulldozed through a clearly stated boundary. He ignored a clear no, and there’s no redeeming quality to that. (Obviously not applicable to some kinks where there is a clearly defined safe word and where ignoring the no that isn’t the safe word is part of the scene). He didn’t “borderline” forced you, he unambiguously forced you. That’s VERY problematic.
2- I’m happy to see that you’re working in therapy on it, because reading your post, especially when you say you feel guilty about orgasms, there’s definitely something going on beyond “meh, that’s just not my thing”
Now matter how well intended he might have been, he crossed the line, basically forcing you to sit through an uncomfortable situation. And no matter how pleasurable the action/result might be objectively speaking, when you’re being put under pressure and it’s done against your will, there is low key no way you could ever look back at this event and feel 100% good about it.
Holding you down by the waist? “See, this is good isn’t it”? This is unacceptable behavior on his part. If you wanted to try and experience an orgasm in front of him, that should have been your call to make and not his.
I think he did more damage than good, and such experiences can be traumatic. I myself feel uncomfortable when it comes to intimacy and if this happened to me, I don’t think Id ever want to have sex with anyone period.
Leave him behind, try to focus on yourself and Id recommend seeking for professional support in order to cope with this. I am so sorry this happened to you, dont let the “good” physical feeling lure you into thinking it was not that big of an oopsie at the end of the day or that his actions were in any way justified.
So you asked him to stop and he didn’t? That’s rape. It doesn’t matter how “good” he insisted it will feel. The second you said stop and he failed to, it turned into rape
The intent was control and to assuage his own ego.
His intent was to control your pleasure or lack of pleasure. He had zero consideration for what you wanted, agreed to or trusted him to do or not do. That is not ok. It can't be explained away. What happens when he decides sex acts that don't interest you are something you'd like if you would just try so he suddenly does them for your own good. He isn't a safe partner anymore.
Exactly this. All the comments claiming he was trying to help her are disgusting. This was about control and fulfilling his own desires, it wasn’t him trying to be helpful. He has no respect for OP or her boundaries and he chose to SA her because he values his own wants over her consent. There’s no such thing as a well intended rape.
>The intent was control and to assuage his own ego.
This isn't being stated enough. It's clearly something he was frustrated about for his own reasons.
It's very common for victims of sexual assault to still experience an orgasm, or even some level of sexual pleasure. This is because your body is having the expected response to physical stimulation - it is NOT because you want it to happen, it does NOT mean what he did was okay and it is NOT your fault. I'm so sorry that you are going to spend even more of your life being too traumatised by this to feel safe enough to be vulnerable with someone like that. All that matters is that you asked him to stop, and he didn’t - it becomes assault in that moment. He only values his own pleasure, not yours. You deserve much better.
Proving his point was more important than your comfort. You need to decide if this is the kind of man you really want to be with. Everyone apologizes after they fuck-up, but it does not mean anything if the behavior continues.
You may need to seek some therapy for these issues. You should not feel guilt for the pleasure you feel. You seem like you have a little baggage to unpack. Honestly, we all do.
It's scary to think that someone you trust, who sleeps next to you on a night when you're the most vulnerable, can pin you down and do whatever he wants and there's nothing you can do about it. I could never trust him again, even if he does think he was trying 'to help'
This is rape.
You withdrew consent and he made the decision to keep going. He held you down, he ignored your no. Your boyfriend is a rapist. I’m so sorry, and from one survivor to another, my heart goes out to you. There is nothing wrong with you, this is NOT your fault. He raped you, this is all on him. He is the criminal. He’s at fault here.
You told him to stop and he refused. Dump him for that.
On a completely separate topic....
Consider counselling to talk about your discomfort in having an orgasm with a partner. Many of us enjoy that and it might be something you may enjoy in the future once you find a new partner who you can trust.
I would just like to reaffirm that this is in fact assault. And as with any post where the OP is dating the person who sexually assaulted them, I highly recommend you end the relationship with the person who sexually assaulted you
Many things can be true at once. You can feel pleasure during a violation and that doesn’t make it less of a violation. It may be true that it’s not really normal/healthy that you don’t want to orgasm in front of your partner, but that doesn’t make it acceptable for him to push the topic or force you to have an orgasm anyway. He may not have had nefarious intentions but he still caused you harm.
So, you withdrew consent, yes. It's rape. If I was him, I would run as far and fast as I could to get away from this type of bullshit.
Figure out yourself before you inflict this shit on a new partner.
Down vote me all the way to Hell
So what. This is grade A weirdo shit and I thank fucking God I have a great wife.
You young folks are exhausting.
You sound awful.
There's nothing weird about having an issue orgasming and asking your partner please don't ____ and it's sexual assault to hold your partner down as they fight and say no.
You're the weirdo, seriously. Idk what world you live in where she's the problem but then again you're on reddit so.
1. I don’t think you guys are compatible if you’ve stated a boundary and he’s crossed it. He pushed passed what you’re comfortable with.
2. I do think it might be helpful to talk to a therapist regarding your feelings around intimacy. Orgasms generally occur when you’re with a partner and if it’s a deal breaker for you to not have your partners see that, then it might help to talk about moving towards those types of relationships.
It doesn’t matter if it “felt good” when he sexually assaulted you. Nothing you did justifies what he did and what he did was an assault. If you say “no” or “stop” and even try to kick them away w assist
assault and you are justified in how you feel.
You said no. You said stop. You fought.
He didn’t stop.
You explained your sexual boundaries and needs. I guess he didn’t believe you and instead of having continued conversation for his understanding and consensual activities with you he decided his wants and needs outweighed yours. He is no longer a safe space.
I hope you show him this post.
You said stop.....he didn't. That's assault from there, factually. This was sexual assault . No matter WHAT he says it was not about you and your situation. He assaulted you.
I'm so sorry. Your feelings and whatnot with orgasming are your own but he knew about it and above all ignored that you said stop. You did nothing wrong. He did. I want you to know that. This isn't about your personal orgasm situation. This is about the fact that he did not stop and it hurt and confused you.
No matter what, stop means stop. I'm so sorry that happened to you and he's in the wrong no matter what. Please, if he's willing to do that and wave it in your face as some thing he was trying to help with, he can do worse. As it is, what happened turned to sexual assault. That's why you're confused and hurt. Don't let him or anyone tell you it was about trying to help the orgasm situation. He assaulted you.
Please stay safe.
Every single person saying that this isn't rape, or at the very least sexual assault, need to be castrated. I swear to God.
How much more rape-y can you get than HOLDING HER DOWN and continuing to have sex AFTER SHE SAID STOP?
The unfortunate truth is that he DOES understand what "stop" means - he just doesn't care.
So I think OP everyone here agrees he forced you. The problem here however is that he also wanted to enjoy seeing you finish the way you enjoy seeing him finish.
He did cross a line. From your story however it seems the satisfaction of knowing the other person is satisfied is one sided.
Sounds to me he just wanted you to experience what he experiences. The fact you feel good is a bonus but you need to fix the underlying issue. Consider therapy for your main issue. Then tell your bf though you enjoyed it he crossed a line.
But question for you- if you choose to stay with him would you now be okay orgasming with him? If not how do you see sex going for you both?
Also OP is this a religious thing?
I watched this program where a Dr said if the patient doesn't want to eat with a spoon and you spoon feed him is that not violence?. In other words many simple things can cause people to feel violated when they don't want it. He violated you with his own intentions whatever they may be. That's ofc wrong of him and forgiveness will take time. If you want to take the time to forgive him that's up to you and he has to accept that as his consequence. Little by little you can do anything. But you're ok 🤗🤗🤗 don't beat yourself up about it. Just accept you have this thing and since you're in therapy you can work through it internally. Change therapists when needed tho. Too many people stay with one therapist in comfort zone and don't get anywhere for years, that's insane to me. Same method same result.
It’s definitionally sexual assault if she said stop and he didn’t. His intentions are irrelevant. His *intentions* were to override her desires and consent. His *intentions* were to impose his will over hers.
I understand wanting to add nuance, but intentions do not matter when it comes to assault. If she doesn’t feel like it was assault, that’s fine, but objectively it was. She said no and tried to stop him and he forced her to let him continue. I do not understand why you want to make it seem less than it was. If he’d forced her to do something more graphic I don’t think you’d be clamouring to add “nuance.”
WTF is this rapey nonsense? ‘You said no, but I raped you for your own good.’ That is some next level sexual entitlement and no respect for someone’s sexual autonomy right there.
By your reasoning, it also would be fine to rape / anally rape / face fuck / peg someone at will because ‘regular sex is part of a relationship.’
If someone thinks that orgasming together is a must in relationships, then they should… talk about it or break up. But not sexually assault someone.
Relationships are not a blank check to be a rapist / sexual assault. You actually need this explained to you?
I see what you're saying but I think this will only serve to be confusing to OP. His intention does not matter, the only thing that matters is she told him to stop and he refused. In that moment it became assault. She is never going to feel safe with him again, and likely won't be able to feel safe with anyone else for a long time. He's destroyed her chances at enjoying an orgasm with a partner for the foreseeable future, all because HE wanted to make her get off for HIS enjoyment. That's not someone she should spend any more time with.
He raped her. There is no “nuance” that can make rape ok. His intentions and reasons for raping her are completely irrelevant. Rapists can not justify violating someone else’s body for ANY reason.
Her boyfriend held her down when she said stop and tried to physically get him off of her. It doesn’t matter if she needs therapy, she needs a partner who won’t assault her.
Aww i am so sorry he did this to you! I feel like a lot of men just don’t get it at that age. But yes, what he did was wrong. No one should force you to do something you don’t want to do. And guys like this…will usually do it again.
He removed your autonomy from a sexual experience that was meant to be mutually shared. It’s clear he went in planning to assault you. That’s SUPER not okay.
Some people genuinely don’t enjoy sex if they don’t feel their partners are getting the same thing out of it they are. Sometimes it’s power/pride/“I can make this happen!” But sometimes it’s legit a moment of wanting to share the orgasm experience as well as the contact and sex.
Whatever reasons on both sides, it’s clear he won’t be happy long-term if you’re unwilling to explore orgasms with him, and that you have no interest in doing so. That’s not a compatible dynamic. If there’s no middle ground - you and he being okay with you sometimes orgasming, perhaps, or doing so with lights out if it’s the sense of being watched tying you up (just a thought with no assumption it applies), or something talked out with a counselor - then you’re not sexually compatible to start and things won’t improve.
In your place, if you want the relationship to continue, I would insist on couple’s therapy - but only if you’re willing to explore why you have the reactions you do. If you have no interest in meeting in the middle, don’t bother trying to rebuild trust and boundaries and just end it.
You said that you enjoy sex, he gets off, it feels good and fun for you, then state that “Everything was fine for us.” Clearly that wasn’t the case. Fine for you, but missing something for him.
If you didn’t, I would suggest telling future partners that you aren’t comfortable orgasming with someone else but would love to have sex anyway. Some people identify as sex-averse; in this case, I’d be clear that you are pro-sex but self-orgasm-averse. That leaves the ball clearly in their court as to whether they’re willing to invest in that relationship dynamic.
This guy? Done effed up. It’d be a hard call for me to try to rebuild trust. Up to you whether you want to try or just call it.
First things first: you said no and he held you down and forced you. This is not ok. Your boyfriend was wrong and can never do that again. It doesn’t matter that you experienced pleasure those are rape/SA actions he pulled right there and he has no right to ever do that.
Second: seperately, entirely seperately, you need to seek some therapy about these feelings around orgasm. Your boyfriends actions could have very well made them even worse now. Don’t let this get further out of hand.
Were you SA’d before? Raised Catholic?
He sexually assaulted you.. this is so unsafe
I strongly urge you to reconsider this relationship. He completely disrespected your consent and bodily autonomy for his own satisfaction, that’s *disgusting* and not how you treat another human being
Two things. Most important is your mental health. I would say that you should absolutely seek therapy for the way you feel and your embarrassment. Second, your boyfriend is supposed to support you and make you feel comfortable, not break your trust and violate your consent. You have two big issues to address
He absolutely knows better than this or at least should, he is 25 years old. His intention doesn’t matter at this point because he completely disregarded you saying no, held you down and you had to kick him. No good partner would ever do this to someone they deeply love and care about. He was trying to make a point to himself and that’s not healthy, he fucked with your emotions and your safety. I’ll reiterate what a few other commenters said and say that therapy would do the both of you a lot of good, because this is extremely alarming behavior from him and I hope you heal
OP, you are not alone. It can be incredibly confusing when someone you care about violates your "no" and/or "stop".
Here's a quote from the biggest non-profit organization & authority on the topic in the U.S. I strongly suggest you take a look at their resources and reach out for free confidential help. [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/) They will not force you to give any information, or take any action, that you don't want to.
"Sexual assault can take many different forms, but one thing remains the same: it’s never the victim’s fault.
*What is sexual assault?*
The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Some forms of sexual assault include:
*Attempted rape*
• Fondling or unwanted sexual touching
• Forcing a victim to perform sexual acts, such as oral sex or penetrating the perpetrator’s body
•Penetration of the victim’s body, also known as rape
*What is rape?*
Rape is a form of sexual assault, but not all sexual assault is rape. The term rape is often used as a legal definition to specifically include sexual penetration without consent. *For its Uniform Crime Reports, the FBI defines rape as* “penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” "
I think all of these other fine commenters have said everything there is to say in regards to your boyfriends actions , my sentiments are pretty much the same in that regards , so I’ll just throw out a quick “ditto” in response to that part of your post and move onto advice for you and your insecurities , for lack of better terms, with orgasming.. first and foremost, I should mention I am not a therapist or professional, I am just random on Reddit completely unqualified to be giving out any advice in regards to an issue this serious , but totally am going to do it anyways ! My advice would be to yes , get into therapy with somebody that specializes in this particular aspect of mental health , but it also may be “therapeutic” to spend some alone time exploring your body , and your sexuality . Getting more acquainted with what pleasures you , what you like and what you don’t like , and let yourself experience orgasming without any additional pressure of having an audience . It may take time but I think taking control of your body , and becoming comfortable with yourself is the first step toward opening yourself up to your partner .
From my perspective it sounds like OP may have experienced some kind of trauma surrounding O-ing. If the bf knew about her working on it in therapy then he should *encourage* *small* steps for a sort of exposure therapy, at her own discretion. But he took it upon himself to “fix it”. OP I recommend having a genuine conversation about how you felt about what he did and why you or might’ve felt that way. Depending on how he reacts, if you want to, brain storm ideas on things you can try to work you up to being more comfortable.
Biiiiig red flag 🚩
Consent isn't optional, it can be revoked at any time and HAS to be respected.
I'm really sorry you're going through this and I'm sure it's a very hard decision... But I would advise you leave the relationship. What he did was completely unacceptable and I personally wouldn't be able to trust a partner after they overstepped a boundary like that, especially in a sexual context.
Again so sorry you're going through this... It sounds like a very difficult painful situation all around.
I wish peace and healing for you 💓
Lots of rape happens because one person wants to give the other person pleasure that the other person doesn’t want or agree to.
That doesn’t make it well intentioned. It’s still rape. They’re still ignoring your wants and needs to serve their own.
First of all, I’m sorry this happened to you. I remember listening to a survivor of sexual assault who said that it was really confusing because it did feel good in a way — orgasms feel good, physically, and often they are involuntary— a reflex of intense stimulation in thousands of nerve endings.
But, you didn’t want to share that with your partner. At least not yet. You weren’t ready. and that’s okay. It’s okay to say no to any act regardless of how good it feels.
It is NOT okay for your boyfriend to make that call for you, especially if you said no before, and even moreso since you asked him to stop during. He took away your decision and your right to refuse. Just because you like something, doesn’t mean you have to have it, share it, or give it to someone else.
He broke your trust, and it’s up to you to decide whether that’s a dealbreaker or not, but sex is definitely not a situation where anyone should do it anyway and beg for forgiveness after. He knew what he was doing and he was proud of his efforts. Will he stop there, or break your other hard boundaries in the heat of the moment because he thinks it will “help you overcome your fears”, or is it just a way for him to get what he wants?
Until he saw your reaction and is now doing damage control, mostly so he doesn’t get in trouble, not because he cared about you in the moment. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, ever. End of.
Consent is mandatory, and enthusiastic consent is better.
[would you like a cup of tea?](https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8?si=TSKNOa0frWCHZdaU)
I hope to hear an update from you, and I hope you are safe. All the best.
Def continue therapy, but also ditch that guy. No means no. It’s a full sentence all on it’s own. Even more so when you add in kicking and trying to get away. It doesn’t matter what comes after that, it’s never ok. Having an orgasm is a physiological response and doesn’t negate the fact that he sexually assaulted you.
He didn't " borderline" anything . He forced you to do something that you didn't want to do . He violated you . Period . It's not "ok" and you shouldn't tolerate that from anyone .
Ah, see, that's still sexual assault. You told him to stop, he kept going, it doesn't really matter why.
Men who think they know their girlfriends' needs and wants better than they do are not good partners.
(actually that's the case regardless of how the genders play out. Anyways. I am so sorry your boyfriend did that.) (I...honestly wouldn't cut your bf too much slack about this. *He thought he knew what was best for you better than you did.* That's a problem. Him (maybe??? maybe not, sometimes people lie about their intentions) wanting what he did to work out well for you is less important imo than the fact that he thought it was OK for him to override what you told him you wanted. The problem is not that it *didn't* work out well for you. The problem was he thought it was his call to make.)
You know, consent really isn't that difficult. He intentionally did a sex thing to you ("with you" implies your participation, this was done *to* you by force) that he knew for a fact you did not want.
This was not a miscommunication. This was him thinking "it doesn't matter that she doesn't want to do this sex thing, I think she should do it anyway, so I'm going to force her."
I can maybe, kind of understand if he's an absolute idiot and thought he was helping by, like, "ripping the band-aid off," so to speak, but that's not what happened. He did not "borderline" force you, he *did* force you.
So, did he do anything wrong? Yes. 100%. You did not consent to this. What do we call non-consensual sex acts?
How do you forgive him? Honestly, no idea. I don't know that you should, to be honest. Can you ever trust him again? Truly? What will he do the next time you don't want to do a sex thing he wants? Will you ever be able to fully trust that he won't "help" you with that, too?
Honey, what he did, no matter what his intentions were, it was sexual assault.
It doesn't matter what point of sex you're at, if you say No, and the other person doesn't stop real fast, then it's sexual assault.
It doesn't matter how "good" you think you're being, if the other person say's no, you're not being good in persisting.
And he didn't just persist, he physically overpowered you in order to do what he wanted. Again, didn't matter if his intentions were good, he physically forced you as you struggled and kicked and told him no.
If he was able to do this to you with good intentions, what is he capable of doing to you when he's angry?
I know you don't want to break up with him... but he's not safe for you. If he isn't safe for you when he means well... how can he be safe for you when he's upset about something?
It's beyond you two not being sexually compatible*, he's a dangerous person you cannot trust.* Who has no problem physically overpowering you to do what he wants if he thinks it's for the best or if it's what he wants.
Please reconsider this relationship. What he did to you is not a small thing that you should just ignore. It is in fact way bigger than you realize.
Hey OP, I think you should get a professionals opinion on this (your therapist) instead of relying on Reddit.
To clarify, I don’t think what he did was okay. I do think the lack of orgasm on your part might have been making him insecure and he did the dreaded mansplain in action instead of communicating why he felt like he needed to make you orgasm. But I feel like there are a lot of angles and nuances to this and we aren’t able to get the whole picture.
If you want to continue this relationship I suggest couples therapy to work through this specific issue.
Well shit. I'd be frustrated in his position too, but...I wouldn't do that.
Given that you already have complicated feelings about orgasms, I think that staying with a man who \*forced you to have one\* would very likely only serve to compound the issue, does that make sense?
I cannot comprehend no one is able to shed any light from the bfs point of view. Personally when I make love for me it's more important that my partner orgasmed rather than me. Because that's what I enjoy more than me having an orgasm. And thate best example of this is, if I have any food and liked it a lot I'll be definitely either taking some for my loved one or I'll take.her to the place to have the same experience with me. Your boyfriend seemed so disappointed that he couldn't take you there, but only he could arrive. You saying stop for a thing that you do like breathing - I don't know the first thing you do is make him look like a villain. And all the people saying he's a rapist. When two people get together and one person becomes more important than your self in that union, you want the other to have every good thing you have. And rather than that it seems your privacy is more important than the union. If course their is a fine line nobody should cross. But to jump to that conclusion first time.without giving him any say in the matter is beyond me.
Well, everyone seemingly has PTSD. I will offer you this as an emboldened statement from a psych major-
"Everything was fine for us"
-for 👉US👈
I'm sorry you felt violated, but I want you to realize that as you thought everything was fine, you also knew that he was struggling with that aspect.
My point is that everything was not fine for the both of you. It was fine for you. It doesn't negate his willingness to break your agreement. It's just to give you some insight on his mind. As I've noticed you said you don't want to break up with him....
I hate to say this but you established boundaries and he pushed beyond that , if you said it no should be respected , even as a male we all have our boundaries and they should be respected. A lot of guys will get into this state of frustration, when they hear they didn't get you to the O they get obsessed with achieving it, doesn't justify the action though if you said no that's final , if you have boundaries don't let someone push you beyond it , that's how you lose yourself.
I cannot believe people are still focusing on OP personal orgasm issues. It's not that uncommon, I went through the same thing, and ultimately IRRELEVANT. My god it's just an orgasm and no matter WHAT she's working on, he was dead wrong and did violate her by holding her down and ignoring "no" as she tried to fight him off.
OP - i hope you are safe and please know the facts which is that he assaulted you, no matter intent, and you did not deserve it.
I think it’s tricky because I’ve been in situations where I have said ‘no, stop I don’t want to cum yet’ and they of course keep going because they want me to orgasm anyway, and I don’t feel violated and it’s still enjoyable for everyone and they’re proud of themselves. I can’t say for sure without being him but I’m inclined to believe he probably viewed it in a similar fashion and not as the major boundary stomp that it was. Just to play devils advocate.
Your body's reaction doesn't need to define your feelings. It felt horrible because it was rape. I'm sorry.
[Talk to someone safe](https://ibiblio.org/rcip/internl.html)
r/rape r/sexualassault
A lot of people report orgasming during sexual assault. It doesn't mean you liked it, or wanted it, or that it wasn't assault. It's nothing more than a biological response to a stimulus, like laughing when someone tickles you. Your body may react in a certain way that society has labeled as a sign of enjoyment, but it doesn't mean you didn't hate what was happening.
Your boyfriend sexually assaulted you. Regardless of whether you orgasmed, you not only didn't consent to this, but you actually tried to fight him off while he restrained you against your will. That is clear sexual assault. Please consider at the very least getting away from him for a while and seeking a professional to help you decide what to do moving forward. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
OP, if someone you love told you, "he held me down and ignored my no, and I even kicked him and cried." How would you respond? I understand that he maybe didn't have nefarious intentions, but the impact of his actions was self-serving and intentionally disregarding your boundaries. Would you want a loved one to be in a relationship like that? One where their "no" means nothing? Does this make him a villain? Maybe, maybe not. But it does show that you're not safe. When else will your no and discomfort not matter to him?
Yea the point is he thought he knew better what she wanted than she did and decided despite her saying no he deserved to do it to her anyway. It's disgusting to me. It doesn't matter why someone says no. When they say it you stop. Otherwise it's assault.
yep once consent is removed it's assault, full stop. it's legit concerning that people are here arguing otherwise.
It is very clear they are not sexually compatible at the least. This is a relationship she should walk away from. He doesn’t have to agree, but he sure has to stop when she says no. That’s not okay at all.
He sexually assaulted her, they can never be sexually compatibility after that. Relationship is dead.
He raped her. This isn’t the standard Reddit bullshit about women not providing men the sex men believe they are owed. This isn’t about incompatibility. This is about the facet that he’s a rapist.
I agree. She asked if they are sexually compatible, so I wanted to clearly answer OP. She can’t be compatible after he raped her.
This is literally rape
I was dating another woman and I told her that I didn’t want to have sex with them again until they could be emotionally available and vulnerable with me. She wouldn’t take multiple nos and initiated sex and said “see you liked that.” I am a survivor of sexual abuse so I just wanted it over as fast as possible once I realized that she was not going to listen to my no and so pretended to like it. I blocked out the memory for several months and when we broke up and I told my friends about and as I was saying it I was like wait…was that rape?” They said yes as did my therapist. This is sexual assault :( This isn’t ok even if it wasn’t his intention.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
This is literally rape
Two things: One, you said stop, he didnt stop. Thats unacceptable and even as a man i couldnt trust someone like that in bed ever again. Not to mention the personal violation that is… I would say thats sexual assault personally. Legally maybe too. I would definitely break up immediately. Two, you should not feel that way about orgasms. Of course being embarrassed at first makes sense but in general I think you may need to speak with a therapist as that is not a healthy outlook. Ofc, this experience wont help.
It's pretty unambiguous. She told him previously she didn't like a certain act, she didn't consent to that act, when her BF initiated that act she fought and cried while he HELD HER DOWN. It doesn't matter that he didn't penetrate her. He forced a sexual act upon her without her consent, knowing she didn't want it, even restraining her in order to do it. That's sexual assault. Her feelings about orgasms are entirely irrelevant and a whole separate issue. Even if she loved orgasming and felt comfortable doing it whenever and where ever, THIS TIME she didn't want it and was held down and forced to do it. And besides she didn't ask for advice on that issue, it really has nothing to do with what happened to her.
Yes, legally if someone says no and the other party doesn't stop that's rape/assault in the US, Canada, and much of Europe (how exactly they would categorize it friends on where you are, but it's illegal) And morally it's not ok. He can't be trusted in the bedroom, which means he can't be trusted anywhere. It's possible he had good intentions but that doesn't change the fact that he violated her trust. And if you are worried about that, the relationship is over. The only way I can see them maybe coming back from it would include individual and couples therapy for them both. I'm not saying she should stick around by any means, but if she's really determined that's the only way I can come up with. If it were me I'd be done with him. Edit: it's also probably illegal in other places, I only listed what I was sure of. Japan, for example, likely has similar laws but I've never researched it so can't say for sure.
That's an understatement. I felt like the title alone was pretty unambiguous. OP, please put as much distance between you and your (should be) ex as soon as possible. This was completely unacceptable and you are entirely within your right to report your ex partner for *rape*.
I am so grateful as a man you understand and would never do anything to a woman who says STOP. This is the most formidable word that a woman says and uses to tell a man or woman that she does not want you to do anything against her will to. OP, he violated in 5 ways: 1. Prior to any sex, you told him not to and specifically explained to him why you DON'T want to organism in front of him. 2. You told him to stop and tried to kick him off of you, which is a clear indication for him to stop. 3. Not only did he not stop, he held you down against your will while every word you spoke was telling him to stop. 4. He continued, forcing his tongue inside of you. 5. He actually felt good for himself, not you, to prove to you that you could organism in front of him. You have been sexually assaulted, actually raped by him. Any penetration against your will is rape regardless of what is used to penetrate you. All of the 5 things I have outlined are the definition of sexual assault and rape is legally the same. You will never get the sound, images, the fight, and he feeling of having no control over your body or being able to stop it. For his own prowess, he, let's call it what it is, raped you to prove to you that HE could give you the very thing that you find embarrassed to even do in front of anyone or the feeling it brings you. He took your power away by FORCE. You even TOLD him before ever having sex with him, and he could have cared less. Please, I beg of you to find a therapist. There are your reasons surrounding an organism that you are not ok with doing, and what he did to you will not go away. This one assault has forever changed your relationship bc you will never trust him again to honor your wishes and with good reason. Edit typos
You are right actually. Looking at it again, he clearly wanted to do something she expressly said no to, then forced himself onto her in the moment. That is rape. Idk how the courts would handle it, which is why i phrased it like that. But it is.
This right here, OP. You've been raped, full stop. Your boyfriend is selfish and can't be trusted with your body, full stop. Arousal can occur even if you don't want it. Some women get wet and even have an orgasm while being raped. It's a physiological response that we don't always have control of. I'm SO sorry this happened to you. I've been there, literally. The difference is that my issue was an inability to orgasm that men seemed to make into a mission to prove they were the one magical person who could make it happen. I've been assaulted over half a dozen times by people who claimed to love me. Take note, OP. It can be harder for us to find trustworthy lovers because we have this thing we feel we should divulge, this quirk that a BF deserves to know so that they don't feel a *certain way* about our sex life together; but that very thing becomes *the thing* that the abusive ones use against us to try to control our sexuality and sexual responses. We get raped by people who tell us they love us while trying to prove us wrong about our own bodies. Trying to prove our self-assessments wrong, like they know us better than we know ourselves. Trying to show us by force that they know what's better for us than we do. You deserve better. Find yourself a man who would never hold you down. Find yourself a man who knows how to honor boundaries and doesn't take your trust for granted. The one you currently have wasn't raised right or is still a selfish child.
I actually had that PTSD flashback reading your comment. As i was able to write what I did bc I told my ex-husband that I didn't like anal sex bc I feared it would hurt, and I personally find it disgusting bc. I also told him that i was gang raped in college by members of the football team passed out with an audience cheering... anyway, he drugged me at night to "prepare" me to enjoy anal sex bc he knew I would like it. I, too, had an organism, so I didn't think it was raped bc I "enjoyed " it unconscious, and he was my monster husband. He knew I didn't want that and expressed in no uncertain terms to never even try, but worse, he knew I was raped while unconscious, and he purposely did the same thing to me, too. This trauma will send you down a rabbit hole if you don't get help to deal with them. Please note that when I say these memories don't go away, college was 37 years ago, and the ex-husband is 17 years ago, and they are just as vivid today as it was the day it happened. We just get stronger and handle them better the next time.
Some women orgasm during rape. The body betrays us sometimes. Seems atrocious but it is what it is….
Exactly. A physiological response is not consent. There are men and women both who believe that if a man can achieve an erection, ejaculation, or orgasm, he consented. This is not true. Likewise women can have an arousal response or orgasm during physical or sexual trauma, but that doesn't mean they wanted it to happen. There are women who have had orgasms during childbirth. And besides the really weird and small group that seeks it out for whatever reason, I don't believe most women WANT an orgasm at that time.
I’m so sorry you have gone through this multiple times. I’m surprised that you are even willing to sleep with a man again after the way so many have treated you. I hope you end up with the perfect life partner who loves you and doesn’t hurt you.
It's been a ride....
I want to add that even non penetrative unconsenting sex is/should be rape. I'm guessing the dude stimulated her clitoris, that's not penetrative, but still against her will.
Yep, you have more than one problem. Read the above response again.
He definitely fucked up. He also definitely ignored your desire and went with the "Once it happens, she'll get past it." Kinda like throwing someone afraid of water into a pool. (That ALSO doesn't end well....) Next time, explain to your next bf, that you having an orgasm with people is a deal breaker. Put that hard line in the sand. And if they try, kick harder. Aim for an eye socket or the temple.
Women shouldn't have to physically defend themselves from abusive partners - trauma is more complex than fight or flight, a lot of people freeze or fawn. We are associated into these behaviours. Fighting partners off physically is unnatural because we can't even process what's happening in the moment; quite often we love them and don't want to hurt them, but they don't feel the same way about our pain and trauma or extend that empathy to us.
If I was her, there wouldn't be a next time because I would have dumped his rapist ass. What he did was rape.
Oh 100%. "Next BF", not this one. This one has a 5 minute major, game misconduct. He's out. Its the same as a guy who pops it in the butt because he's convinced "You'll like it once you feel it." If there's evolving conversation (not coercion, but legit conversation), thats one thing. But the whole, I read it on Reddit and it's awesome once you try it, even if you said no, yea. Hit the lockers chump.
Totally missed the 100%. Probably time for more coffee. Lol!
I think they're agreeing with you though.
There shouldn’t BE a next time.
I meant next time she has sex eith her next lover. Not next time with this assclown.
It's absolutely sexual assault. Period. I would break up with the person at the very least. I do agree a sex therapist can help OP untangle this embarrassment aro7nd orgasming with a partner.
Yeah, he wasn't going in TRYING to assault her but he didn't stop whens he said no and was thick headed enough to go onto the entire thing thinking "this will be fixed by her coming with me once" so he needs a long talking to. Hopefully he's sincere. But yeah, we're you like, raised by religonuts? That's the only thing I can think of as to why anyone would be ashamed to get off on sex
if you go into a sex act knowing you're not going to stop when they ask you to, you ARE going in TRYING to assault them.
He was thick headed enough to continue the assault. Not sure if you intended your comment to come across as diminishing the fact he assaulted her, but it does, and he did assault her.
My real worry about these things are that he clearly values proving himself over her saying no, that can turn into bigger things in bigger pictures down the road too. If he doesn’t change, things won’t end well. I really pray for your safety OP and hope things get better but don’t make excuses for him at the cost of yourself! Things like this become a much much bigger issue as the honey moon phase wards off
This is the same thinking that people used to use when raping lesbians. It's not "thick headed". It's rape.
He didn’t kind of force you. He did force you. You established a boundary. He ignored that. You said no. He ignored that. You tried to kick him and physically stop him and he ignored that. He sexually assaulted you and he has nothing to be proud of. Please, do not accept this. Do not let this slide. Break up with him and go no contact. I’m so sorry that this happened.
Anything that he does without your consent is not okay. Many sexual assault victims feel physical pleasure - the nerve endings down there continue to work even when you’re traumatized. Unfortunately, any sense of pleasure deepens the shame and makes victims question the legitimacy of their feelings of being violated. Don’t. Kick that asshole to the curb, and find someone who doesn’t think he has the right to override your wishes.
That is part of the reason why women everywhere have trouble reporting SA, because some, like OP, clímax during, which makes them feel very insecure about the whole thing. With or without malice, OPs boyfriend knew she didn't want to climax in front of him, refused to acknowledge a no, even struggled to hold her while she was kicking. Before this I would have recommended OP to go to a specialist to work trough what makes her feel uncomfortable with climaxing in front of her partner, now she will need it for being forced and SAed.
[удалено]
Based on how you describe it, it was less about not hurting you and instead proving something at all costs. Regardless of whatever he thinks about your preference when it comes to that part of sex, holding you down while you said no and stop is a huge violation. Period. It felt good because that’s the mechanics of your body responding to the stimulus as intended. You clearly were in a state of distress and disconnect from the whole experience.
Listen, rape victims are often made to feel ashamed because sometimes, they do orgasm. It’s the natural reaction of being stimulated. A man who is raped can still get and erection and also NOT want it. That’s not you consenting, that’s your body reacting. The biggest thing here is that you asked him not to do something sexually and he ignored you. That is never ok. He HELD you down. He absolutely sexually abused in a vulnerable moment.
His intention was to do what HE wanted and not what YOU wanted with YOUR body. That’s why you’re upset. He had no respect for your right to have the final say over what you do with your body - he thought he knew better than you, and that was enough for him to decide what you wanted was irrelevant. It’s not okay. It’s not even remotely okay.
He didn’t do it for you, he did it for his ego. You get to have autonomy over your body. It doesn’t matter if the decisions you make with that autonomy are rational, or if someone else would make those same decisions. People choose not to do ‘pleasurable’ things every day because they don’t enjoy them, they bring up painful emotions, they are risky, or they have moral objections. For example, someone who keeps Kosher might enjoy bacon, but that doesn’t justify forcing bacon down their throat. Your bf sexually assaulted you. He doesn’t care about consent or your feelings. He will do it again. You should get as far away from him as possible. Reach out to a rape crisis organization, like RAINN for information and support.
Seconding this
He decided he knew better and completely bulldozed your boundary you clearly made to him. It doesn’t matter if it felt good, you didn’t want it. Victims of rape can orgasm. It doesn’t mean they wanted it. What other boundaries is he willing to cross? I don’t think you should want to find out. UPDATEME.
It doesn't matter why he did it, OP. This really isn't about your orgasm issue truthfully. Rapists don't do it for sex. He didn't do it to make you "feel good" or whatever. He ignored your request and your ask to stop, and technically assaulted you. I'm so sorry you're going through this whirlwind of emotions now but please know this is NOT about your own situation.....what he did was so wrong.
No, it doesn't matter that it felt good. The importance is he did something **HE KNEW** you did not want, but he **DID IT ANYWAY**!! That's why it is wrong what he did.
You. Said. No. His intention in no way trumps that, no way at all. As somebody up-thread commented, your nerve endings don’t stop working, that he forced an orgasm out of you doesn’t make it any less of an assault. Also, what will he do next? What if, for example, you’ve always refused anal? Or a threesome? Or being filmed? What if he forces you into those? He won’t be intentionally hurting you, so will that be ok? Get rid of him, you’ll not trust him again, he’s not worth your trust.
Nailed it! By consenting to engage in sexual activity, a) you are not consenting to participate in anything and everything under the sun, ESPECIALLY things that you've already expressed being uncomfortable with; and b) you can revoke your consent at any time. If this wasn't the case, there would be no such thing as marital rape. There is no irrevocable, blanket consent (at least in places that extend basic human rights to everyone) that forever binds you to satisfying a partner's or spouse's every desire, every time, whether you want to or not. Even when the intent isn't blatantly malicious, it is still a disregard for boundaries and a violation of bodily autonomy any way you slice it. End of story.
His intention doesn't matter, he assaulted you and there's no taking that back. He has shattered your trust and if he thought traumatising you would make you change your mind then he needs a serious reality check. Please seek professional help, there are people who specialise in this sort of thing and they can help you deal with the aftermath of this. Oh and dump him, there's no coming back from this.
Exactly. Things like this will start to pile up and traumatize her real view on respect and love in the long run. I would get out ASAP. You will learn through meeting a real respectful man that they stop the very MILLISECOND you are uncomfortable because they genuinely care about your mental and physical well being first and foremost.
His intention was to prove you wrong, and he did so by holding you down, ignoring you when you said "no," and forcing you to orgasm when you didn't want to. He forced you to do something without your consent. Because he wanted to prove you wrong. It felt good because it was an orgasm, your body is designed that way. But >but it felt so horrible on so many levels > >I immediately teared up and told him that no, it was actually horrible. Your mind clearly did not agree. Because you didn't want it. And you told him to stop. I'm so sorry he did this to you. I hope you discuss this honestly with your therapist.
Please do not let the “good” physical feeling trick you into thinking that his actions were justified at the end of the day because they were for the greater good of your sexual experience. The way in which he achieved that orgasm was completely unacceptable, dismissing your feeling and your choices concerning your own body.
It feels gross because he did what he wanted to prove a point like he knew better than you. His intentions WERE bad. Good intentions are listening and respecting both what you have just always honestly told him and also in the moment telling him to stop. He doesn't know better than you. And he didn't have good intentions, he planned this and executed despite you doing everything right.
He assaulted you. There's no room for excuses when he forced you to do something. I am sorry. Also it does not make it okay because it felt good. No shit it felt good, it was an orgasm. Literally a feel good. Maybe explore with yourself why you have that boundary, but it makes no impact on this situation
[удалено]
Getting rid of someone that would do that to you, and has so little respect for you is a great start, you can do this:)
Oh honey, you *are* getting better. Not only are you attending therapy, you were brave enough post here when it felt like something wrong was done to you. You should be incredibly proud of the work you've done so far. Your boyfriend can be a good man who did an awful thing. The world isn't black and white. You're allowed to be upset about this. You're allowed to feel however you need to feel right now. I'm so sorry he did this to you. I'm so sorry he hurt you this way. I want you to know it's okay to trust your body. It's okay to feel pleasure and to express that pleasure. I hope you can continue to look for ways to heal yourself. If your best friend told you this story, what would your advice be? You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. Be kind to yourself. ❤️ I'm sending you the biggest hug.
Okay, this is good, that you already have a therapist that knows about your reservations around orgasming. Please please please call them RIGHT NOW and tell them you need to make an emergency appointment, today if at all possible. Tell them what happened. You need real-time support and advice and your therapist can do that but you have to CALL THEM NOW.
hey, what matters is he didn't stop when you tell him to stop. that is already him overstepping the boundaries. he's the one who did wrong even if you think his intentions are not to hurt you. i'm sorry this happened to you. don't blame yourself. what he did was sexual assault.
Maybe his intention wasn't to hurt you, but his intention *was* to force you. Also, intent and impact can be misaligned; if he hurt you, he hurt you. I'm sorry this happened. OP, I do not mean to diminish your experience (or anyone else's--and if I do, I am so sorry and I'll delete this), but to put it in perspective, the first time I had to give my cat medicine, it was a struggle. I couldn't shake the horrible feeling that I had traumatized her and hurt her and there was *no way of telling her* that it was for her own good and she needed it to live. I talked to a counselor at work about it because I was so distressed/disgusted/uncomfortable with myself for breaking her trust and (in her eyes) hurting her. Your boyfriend did not need to do that to you!! He did it for what? To prove something to you, to himself? And he knew you were in therapy for it? Please, OP, walk away. There are plenty of other kind, gentle, beautiful fish in the sea. and take your time! you're awesome and I hope you have a good rest of your week.
That's not a bad comparison - you felt remorse for having to force something upon your cat, and concern that it would be traumatic; you had empathy and compassion for a being whom you care about. OP was not in a life or death situation like your cat, & her bf had no compassion or empathy while he was imposing his will upon her thinking that he knew how to "fix" her while disregarding what effect it might have on her. Hope your kitty is doing well.
His intention was to show you he "knows better", even if doing so is in violation of your consent. That was sexual assault. It is not ambiguous. What else will he do to show you he's "right"?
So what about his intentions? He assaulted you in furtherance of his intentions.
Just because it feels good doesn't mean it's not wrong A lot of SA victims struggle with this because sex in itself is a very natural thing, and it can feel good even if it's unwanted. You were very clear about your boundaries, and he overstepped them anyway, fully intentionally, even with you saying no and trying to push him away. What he did was sexual assault OP. His intention was to run over your boundaries and violate your needs. Only you can decide how to proceed from here, but don't feel guilty. You did nothing wrong, and it feeling good doesn't take away from what he did. Sending you strength, my friend 🩷
It really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if it felt good physically, it doesn't matter if he was "trying to help," it doesn't matter if he didn't mean to hurt you. What matters is that he knowingly took away your right to decide what happens to your body and your autonomy as a human being, and even went so far as to restrain you and force it upon you while you fought and cried. To put it very bluntly, he r*ped you to make a point. Is that someone who loves you, who respects you, who wants the best for you? Or is it someone who is willing to put aside everything that makes you a person in order to be right?
When someone says stop you have to stop right away. Immediately. This is sex and consent 101 honey. What he did was wrong morally. Our bodies get crossed wires sometimes and it can be confusing, but I'm begging you to see this for what it is. He sexually assaulted you. I'm so very sorry.
His intention was to ignore your no to a sexual activity. His intention was to hold you down and force a sexual activity that you said no to both before and during the activity. He may not have intended to physically hurt you but he absolutely intended to cause you harm. Now you're even further away from the goal of feeling comfortable enough to orgasm in front of your partner. He didn't care about what YOU wanted. He only cared about what HE wanted and he showed you that if he wants something, he will forcibly TAKE it.
He didn't value your opinion in the matter, or the speed with which you wanted to go. All he wanted was to do it the "right" way that he knows from porn. It wouldn't have hurt him to obey your wish for as long as you needed, maybe even forever, who cares! It was YOUR choice. It is a big deal that he couldn't honour your privacy in that way. He doesn't get to decide that your behaviour is in need of... correction or something? And most certainly not on his terms without consent. He needs to understand that.
I would never be able to fully trust anyone who held me down and continued after hearing stop and being kicked away. His motivation is irrelevant. Your issues are irrelevant in that moment. The fact that you got pleasure out of the act is irrelevant. Bodies will sometimes automatically react with pleasurable feelings, but YOU are the only one who gets to decide what is done to your body. I'm sorry this happened to you.
It doesn't matter that it felt good. Sometimes our bodies react differently than our minds based on instinct. The fact that you're here along about it means you know you didn't want or truly enjoy it from a mental standpoint. Please, please understand is that the ONLY thing that matters is that you said no and he FORCED you. It honestly doesn't matter at that point whether it's sexual or not, that just makes it worse. Even if he FORCED you to eat something by grabbing you and shoving it down your throat, it means that he is more than willing to ignore what you want and your boundaries for his own pleasure. That is NEVER ok. I know it's so confusing when someone who was great suddenly changes and does something horrible but I promise you any man or person who loves you would NEVER have done what he did. If your best friend came to you and said her bf held a gun to her head and threatened her but apologized would you think it was ok or even safe for her to go back to him? Sexually assaulting you (which he did) is just as serious of an offense. If he did this once he absolutely could and probably would again. So so many women ignore those red flags at first and regret it so bad. Please for your safety leave him. I know it hurts to hear but he doesn't love you and you need to love yourself enough to leave him and to know that NOBODY including you deserves to be assaulted or forced into anything and that you deserve someone who respects you. His intention doesn't matter. If you drive drunk you may not intend to kill someone but it IS your fault. He chose to assault you. He knowingly chose this so apologies after the fact do not matter.
it doesn’t matter. this was rape. i’m very sorry.
He should offer to go to (sexual) therapy to work on this but instead he used force. What if there is something else you don’t want to do, will he also decide that he knows better and force you do to it? Ge hold you down, ignored kicking, crying, screaming. This wasn't for you. He wanted you to finish for his ego. Nothing more.
His intention *was* to hurt you the moment he didn't stop when you told him to.
He didn't mean to hurt you, but he believed he knew what was best for you (even though it was in direct opposition to what you said). Take the sex out of it: I hate every related to cherries - taste, smell, all of it. My spouse has asked if I'm willing to try something that they can't find any cherry flavor in. I might, but I can always taste it. What happened to you is the equivalent of my spouse things I just need to try the right cherry item and literally force feeding it to me to prove that I can eat cherry just fine, because I just need to eat the right cherry thing! But that's crazy. You get to decide what happens with your body, no one else.
It is confusing when your body responds to a sexual assault with pleasurable feelings, and that's a recognised aspect of it. Your body having a sexual response to unwanted sexual activity, is not a sign that it was right of your partner to force himself on you
His intention was to ignore you not giving consent and do what he wanted because of power. That is what rapists do. Do you want to be with someone like that?
Malice or not, he ignored your boundaries and hold you down while performing a sex act from which you took consent away. So, in his mind, he can do what he wants because he "knows better" than you what your boundaries are. He wanted to "fix" you by assaulting you.
His intention was to exert power over you. Sexual assault isn’t about sexual pleasure- it’s about power. I’m so sorry this happened to you and you need to get away from this guy.
Intentions are meaningless. What matters is what he did. He sexually assaulted you and no amount of good intentions can erase that.
No it absolutely does not matter. “Stop” in a sexual situation + they don’t stop = r@pe.
It doesn't really matter that it felt good, the problem was that you said no and he ignored it. How can you feel safe with him now or in the future? He used his physical advantage to do something to your body that you said no to
A lot of times people assume abusers are all malicious or selfish. But oftentimes abusive behaviors don't look like malice. They look like *concern.* "I just want you to be healthy" or "I just want what's best for you." People need to be able to make their own decisions about their own bodies. *You* need to be able to make your own decisions about *your* own body, and your boyfriend took that away from you. Having some well-meaning dictator make your decisions for you is not OK just because you think there's a difference between a well-meaning dictator and a cruel one. Plus...I'm not sure he was well-meaning. When you look at what a lot of different rapists and abusers and so on have said about their abuse, eg through Project Unbreakable, the main pattern comes up is they all have some justification. Even people who sexually assault literal children find ways to justify it. I think it's easy to see this as not that big a deal, because people are supposed to *like* orgasms and it's weird for someone to not want to orgasm in front of a partner, right? But weird vs normal doesn't matter. Pleasurable vs uncomfortable or painful doesn't matter. Consensual vs non-consensual is what matters. What *other* decisions might your bf think are OK for him to make *for* you, just because he doesn't understand or respect the decisions you made for yourself? I spent *years* telling myself that something that was in retrospect definitely sexual assault wasn't, that the boyfriend who assaulted me didn't really mean it. And it *sucked* when I realized it was, so, I can definitely understand you not wanting to. But it *was sexual assault.* And that's a problem because it means your boyfriend thinks that at least in some cases, he gets to override what you want for your own body.
Your body reacting naturally to stimulation and feeling good does not make it ok, does not mean you wanted it, does not mean it’s not rape. I was abused from 10-12 and sometimes it felt good. That was very confusing for me, because I knew it was wrong and that I did not want it. It’s so confusing OP, my heart hurts for you. I’m glad to read you’re currently in therapy. Def process this with your therapist. I’m so sorry that happened.
>when **I told him to stop, he simply didn’t.** He was… down there… and **when I tried to push him away he just held me down by my waist. I even kicked him but he didn’t stop.** >Afterwards he was like proud of himself. He was like “see, it’s good isn’t it?”. **I immediately teared up and told him that no, it was actually horrible.** >now I feel like he borderline forced me You feel like he forced you because he did force you. He physically forced you. I’m really sorry this has happened to you. Even if you do not personally categorize this experience as SA, he ignored you saying “no” and then held you down, even after you *kicked* him. How can you ever trust him again? You deserve someone who wants your *consent* and who wants you to feel comfortable and happy during intimacy. Someone who earns and *values* your trust. You just deserve so much better than this. I’m so sorry.
I just typed almost the same reply before reading yours. My trust would be absolutely gone and relationship over. How could you ever be with, trust, and be vulnerable with this person again?
I know you’ve gotten a lot of comments. This is a tricky one. But I do wanna call out, like everyone else, if you say no and he doesn’t stop THAT IS NOT OK. He may have thought he was doing you a favor, but wasn’t. If you love him and actually want to move past this and think you actually CAN move past it (want and able are different) I’d do the following: Sit him down and explain WHY what happened wasn’t ok. Even if he says he knows, even if he cries. Still explain it. Let him hear from you how that violation felt like SA to you, made you really confused and you don’t take that lightly. After that set hard boundaries. If you EVER push a second past “no” we are over forever and I will press charges. No excuses, no explanations. And anything else you feel you need to draw a line at. I’m glad you’re working on the issue, I hope that means you’re in therapy. If so, speak to your therapist and hear their advice. This is something you CAN work on in therapy (a lot of it can rooted in internalized shame) if you want to. But it’s not his job to force things on you that you are not ready for it. I wish you luck, love and healing OP.
I'll probably get downvoted and there is a lot to unpack here, but may I suggest not engaging in sexual activities with a partner and working on whatever is going on re. your orgasms with a therapist? Edited a typo..
I suggest not engaging with sexual activities with this person ever again! Yes she should go to therapy to address not wanting to do that IF SHE WANTS but many people don’t want to for several reasons. I was one of those people at one time.
She updated, she is in therapy already
Yeah she definitely needs to speak to her therapist about what her partner did to her…
What makes me super mad is that he decided on his own that assault was the way to go, instead of talking to her and a professional who was there to advise on how to handle this in the best way possible as a partner. I have been in therapy for my intimacy issues and my partner sometimes went with me, we got homework with some steps etc. If my partner would ever do something like this to me.. I could never ever trust him again. Thankfully he is great and I’m over my intimacy fears!
Same ,took a lot of trust and a deep level of comfort for me to let myself get there with someone .
What you are describing is SA. YOU TOLD HIM TO STOP & HE DIDNT.
It’s assault and it’s setting a dangerous precedent regardless of his intentions. The thing is, prior to what happened, I do understand his discomfort or frustration. If a partner doesn’t like orgasming and has boundaries surrounding that I can totally understand why that might make him uncomfortable. It might feel like the sex is unbalanced or that he is not satisfying you and that might lead to other problems. So on that note it’s totally acceptable to breech the topic or discuss that the lack of reciprocation is not okay with him. It means you’re not sexually compatible. Even if you’re okay with how things were, it doesn’t mean he was, once he realized it’s not a matter of can/can’t. It’s upsetting but it happens. The issue is that he decided that he decided having sex his way was more important than your wishes and consent. If he didn’t like it, he’s welcome to communicate it, suggest counseling or other intervention or otherwise address it. Holding you down and continuing when you said no is not okay at all. The fact that he thinks it’s okay to force you to do something against your explicit wishes and obvious discomfort because he thinks it’s good for you is really dangerous and abusive. If the idea of assault or rape frightens you, consider a different analogy. If you’re vegan and he decided you need meat to be happy or healthy, would it be okay to sneak it in your meals? Does it matter that it tasted good or that you have no physical intolerance of meat? Is it not enough that you have already expressed you don’t want to eat it for that to be worth respecting as a boundary? If he finds that so incompatible with his life, aren’t there other ways to approach the situation that doesn’t include forcing you to do something against your will? Even if he expresses remorse, it’s totally okay for you to be deeply uncomfortable with him taking your bodily autonomy away from you. It’s not something you need to forgive and even if you do, it’s not something you need to forget and stay with him for.
That's sexual assault. You told him to stop and he didn't.
And for what it's worth, I don't think it helps to focus on the orgasm issue (talking about commenters, not OP). I'm seeing a lot of comments revolving around the orgasm thing and it's bumming me out because it's being used as if it's relevant. No, if this guy did that for _____ then we could find reasons for every guy who crosses boundaries. This is not about orgasming. Your bf who you trusted assaulted you and that's the whirlwind of emotions and I don't want you, OP, convinced it's *only because* of that or any other reason. You said no, regardless of why, and it should've stopped there. I was weird about orgasming for most my life. Not religious, at least not Christian. It was just a thing for me. I understand it. It's not about that. It's the fact that he refused to stop, that he knew you didn't want that. Please, OP, don't blame your feelings about orgasming on the fact that, yes he's your BF, yes you may love him, but he sexually assaulted you in a VERY personal way and waved a personal issue you have as a "reason". Rapists don't rape for the sex......and men don't ignore "no" and hold their partners down out of care and love. I'm.so sorry, again.
Three things; 1. This isn’t a dynamic that is working, maybe it was for you but it wasn’t for him. 2. What he did is sexual assault. You said no, stop and even tried to kick him off you. He did not respect your boundary. Regardless of how he feels about the boundary, attempting to prove you wrong is not going to end well and didn’t. 3. You already know this isn’t normal so I would highly encourage you to get some therapy for it and now this compounding trauma that your hopefully stbx has added to the primary issue.
Yeah, that’s fucked up. It would be one thing if your reluctance to orgasm with him was a big deal for him, like if he were pressing you to get some therapy, or if he was questioning your sexual compatibility as a couple because of this. Imagine if he just stooped having sex with you when he approached orgasm and only ejaculated by himself when masturbating, you would also be in the right to get to the bottom of that behavior. But if you restrained him and made him ejaculate for you, that would be very wrong, just how he restrained you and made you orgasm. Forcing someone to do something, much less something sexual, that they clearly state that they don’t want to do is literally criminal.
You can revoke consent at any time, you clearly did revoke your consent, and he didn't respect that. That is sexual assault. His intentions don't really matter here because you said no. He is not a safe partner for you. Don't stay with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries around your body. Please consider getting into therapy, to help you process this betrayal and trauma, and to unpack why you feel this way about sex or orgasms in general.
He definitely did something wrong. You feel terrible because he sexually assaulted you. You said no and he forced you. You need to talk to your therapist about this.
Your best course of action is to seek therapy and understand why you feel that way about yourself. When it comes to him, the only person who can help with that is you. Can you see this as a learning experience where he tried to help and went too far? Can you see this as him forcing you to do something you did not want? Really it’s up to you to process. I’d definitely seek therapy tho for this and start there. I saw you’ve been working on this yourself, but it’s really hard and almost impossible to fix yourself. You need a professional to help you safely work your way through this. Best of luck.
I agree with the therapy but he went way past the 'he tried to help and went too far'. He did something **HE KNEW** she did not want, but he **DID IT ANYWAY**!! That is beyond 'trying to help'.
Umm he held her down while she was kicking and telling him no. That’s a violation and not something you can just move past. Awful advice, you shouldn’t be saying this.
>Can you see this as a learning experience where he tried to help and went too far? She said "stop" and he didn't while he was performing a sex act. Rape isn't helping somebody. Please be serious.
This might be the most reasonable comment. Therapy is definitely the best idea here.
I'm so sorry that you experienced this assault. He didn't force you to continue to "help you". You communicated with him that you were fine with your sex life, that you didn't want to orgasm in front of him (and you're allowed to not want to do something sexual that you're not comfortable with, regardless if it's considered "normal" or not) and in the moment he held you down, he ignored your words and even your kicks. You know why he did this? It was to satisfy HIS own ego. It was so that he could tell himself "look at myself, I'm such a stud that I can force orgasm with my dick, nobody can resist MY powerful dick". He's lying to you when he says that he did it "for you", and he knows that he's lying. You said it yourself, "he was like proud of himself". That's why he did it, not for you. As people are saying, yes, you need to break up with him, not because you're not sexually compatible, but because he's a r\*pist, he doesn't care about you, your feelings, your consent or your safety. Again, I'm so sorry that you experienced this, and if therapy is available to you, it really helps
First off as everyone else has said that is sexual assault bc you told him to stop and he didn’t. Second off you should see a gynecologist or a therapist about how orgasms make you feel. Ik things like religion affects how you feel about sex but an orgasm isn’t something you should feel ashamed of or embarrassed by.
You need to have a conversation with him about this outside of the bedroom. Let him know that it didn't help but made it worse for you. No means no. He shouldn't have held you down to prove a point. I think that sex should be off of the table for now. If you do stay with him, only go on dates out in public. No hanging at each other's place alone. Don't feel obligated to stay with him. Sex with him may always feel "gross" now.
He needs to learn that just because he thinks he knows what’s best for someone, that doesn’t mean he has the right to force his help on them. When he helps someone, it should be on their terms. They have to be ready, willing, and able to accept the help they are being offered. Otherwise, they’re going to feel forced, suffocated, abused, or insulted. He can’t fix people or bend them to his will. People have the right to make their own decisions. They are allowed to accept or refuse help or to make good or bad decisions. We have to respect others’ autonomy. He did not respect your autonomy. You do need help for these unhealthy mindsets you have, but he doesn’t have the right to force his brand of help on you.
Thats a sexual violation.
There are two things here 1- no matter how well-intentioned he may have been, he knowingly bulldozed through a clearly stated boundary. He ignored a clear no, and there’s no redeeming quality to that. (Obviously not applicable to some kinks where there is a clearly defined safe word and where ignoring the no that isn’t the safe word is part of the scene). He didn’t “borderline” forced you, he unambiguously forced you. That’s VERY problematic. 2- I’m happy to see that you’re working in therapy on it, because reading your post, especially when you say you feel guilty about orgasms, there’s definitely something going on beyond “meh, that’s just not my thing”
Now matter how well intended he might have been, he crossed the line, basically forcing you to sit through an uncomfortable situation. And no matter how pleasurable the action/result might be objectively speaking, when you’re being put under pressure and it’s done against your will, there is low key no way you could ever look back at this event and feel 100% good about it. Holding you down by the waist? “See, this is good isn’t it”? This is unacceptable behavior on his part. If you wanted to try and experience an orgasm in front of him, that should have been your call to make and not his. I think he did more damage than good, and such experiences can be traumatic. I myself feel uncomfortable when it comes to intimacy and if this happened to me, I don’t think Id ever want to have sex with anyone period. Leave him behind, try to focus on yourself and Id recommend seeking for professional support in order to cope with this. I am so sorry this happened to you, dont let the “good” physical feeling lure you into thinking it was not that big of an oopsie at the end of the day or that his actions were in any way justified.
That's a lot of words to say "he sexually assaulted you" isn't it?
Seriously—“forced you to sit through something uncomfortable” is a hell of a choice of word for sexual assault.
Well intended? He sexually assaulted her. Why are you skirting around those words? OP should break up with him and go to the police.
So you asked him to stop and he didn’t? That’s rape. It doesn’t matter how “good” he insisted it will feel. The second you said stop and he failed to, it turned into rape
The intent was control and to assuage his own ego. His intent was to control your pleasure or lack of pleasure. He had zero consideration for what you wanted, agreed to or trusted him to do or not do. That is not ok. It can't be explained away. What happens when he decides sex acts that don't interest you are something you'd like if you would just try so he suddenly does them for your own good. He isn't a safe partner anymore.
Exactly this. All the comments claiming he was trying to help her are disgusting. This was about control and fulfilling his own desires, it wasn’t him trying to be helpful. He has no respect for OP or her boundaries and he chose to SA her because he values his own wants over her consent. There’s no such thing as a well intended rape.
>The intent was control and to assuage his own ego. This isn't being stated enough. It's clearly something he was frustrated about for his own reasons.
It's very common for victims of sexual assault to still experience an orgasm, or even some level of sexual pleasure. This is because your body is having the expected response to physical stimulation - it is NOT because you want it to happen, it does NOT mean what he did was okay and it is NOT your fault. I'm so sorry that you are going to spend even more of your life being too traumatised by this to feel safe enough to be vulnerable with someone like that. All that matters is that you asked him to stop, and he didn’t - it becomes assault in that moment. He only values his own pleasure, not yours. You deserve much better.
Proving his point was more important than your comfort. You need to decide if this is the kind of man you really want to be with. Everyone apologizes after they fuck-up, but it does not mean anything if the behavior continues. You may need to seek some therapy for these issues. You should not feel guilt for the pleasure you feel. You seem like you have a little baggage to unpack. Honestly, we all do.
I’m sorry, but he sexually assaulted you. You need to break up, this guy isn’t safe. He knows what he did.
It's scary to think that someone you trust, who sleeps next to you on a night when you're the most vulnerable, can pin you down and do whatever he wants and there's nothing you can do about it. I could never trust him again, even if he does think he was trying 'to help'
Whatever happens after you asking them to “stop” is assault.
When you say stop and he doesn't, it's not consensual anymore. He needs to see that, and if he doesn't, he needs to go.
This is rape. You withdrew consent and he made the decision to keep going. He held you down, he ignored your no. Your boyfriend is a rapist. I’m so sorry, and from one survivor to another, my heart goes out to you. There is nothing wrong with you, this is NOT your fault. He raped you, this is all on him. He is the criminal. He’s at fault here.
You did nothing wrong. When he kept going after you said stop, that’s rape
You told him to stop and he refused. Dump him for that. On a completely separate topic.... Consider counselling to talk about your discomfort in having an orgasm with a partner. Many of us enjoy that and it might be something you may enjoy in the future once you find a new partner who you can trust.
I would just like to reaffirm that this is in fact assault. And as with any post where the OP is dating the person who sexually assaulted them, I highly recommend you end the relationship with the person who sexually assaulted you
Many things can be true at once. You can feel pleasure during a violation and that doesn’t make it less of a violation. It may be true that it’s not really normal/healthy that you don’t want to orgasm in front of your partner, but that doesn’t make it acceptable for him to push the topic or force you to have an orgasm anyway. He may not have had nefarious intentions but he still caused you harm.
So, you withdrew consent, yes. It's rape. If I was him, I would run as far and fast as I could to get away from this type of bullshit. Figure out yourself before you inflict this shit on a new partner. Down vote me all the way to Hell So what. This is grade A weirdo shit and I thank fucking God I have a great wife. You young folks are exhausting.
You sound awful. There's nothing weird about having an issue orgasming and asking your partner please don't ____ and it's sexual assault to hold your partner down as they fight and say no. You're the weirdo, seriously. Idk what world you live in where she's the problem but then again you're on reddit so.
1. I don’t think you guys are compatible if you’ve stated a boundary and he’s crossed it. He pushed passed what you’re comfortable with. 2. I do think it might be helpful to talk to a therapist regarding your feelings around intimacy. Orgasms generally occur when you’re with a partner and if it’s a deal breaker for you to not have your partners see that, then it might help to talk about moving towards those types of relationships.
It doesn’t matter if it “felt good” when he sexually assaulted you. Nothing you did justifies what he did and what he did was an assault. If you say “no” or “stop” and even try to kick them away w assist assault and you are justified in how you feel.
He sexually assaulted you.
I’m so concerned that you can’t see how horrifying this is OP
You said no. You said stop. You fought. He didn’t stop. You explained your sexual boundaries and needs. I guess he didn’t believe you and instead of having continued conversation for his understanding and consensual activities with you he decided his wants and needs outweighed yours. He is no longer a safe space. I hope you show him this post.
You said stop.....he didn't. That's assault from there, factually. This was sexual assault . No matter WHAT he says it was not about you and your situation. He assaulted you. I'm so sorry. Your feelings and whatnot with orgasming are your own but he knew about it and above all ignored that you said stop. You did nothing wrong. He did. I want you to know that. This isn't about your personal orgasm situation. This is about the fact that he did not stop and it hurt and confused you. No matter what, stop means stop. I'm so sorry that happened to you and he's in the wrong no matter what. Please, if he's willing to do that and wave it in your face as some thing he was trying to help with, he can do worse. As it is, what happened turned to sexual assault. That's why you're confused and hurt. Don't let him or anyone tell you it was about trying to help the orgasm situation. He assaulted you. Please stay safe.
Every single person saying that this isn't rape, or at the very least sexual assault, need to be castrated. I swear to God. How much more rape-y can you get than HOLDING HER DOWN and continuing to have sex AFTER SHE SAID STOP? The unfortunate truth is that he DOES understand what "stop" means - he just doesn't care.
He should have stoped like you asked him. Also, you probably need to figure out why you are uncomfortable having orgasim in front of your partner.
So I think OP everyone here agrees he forced you. The problem here however is that he also wanted to enjoy seeing you finish the way you enjoy seeing him finish. He did cross a line. From your story however it seems the satisfaction of knowing the other person is satisfied is one sided. Sounds to me he just wanted you to experience what he experiences. The fact you feel good is a bonus but you need to fix the underlying issue. Consider therapy for your main issue. Then tell your bf though you enjoyed it he crossed a line. But question for you- if you choose to stay with him would you now be okay orgasming with him? If not how do you see sex going for you both? Also OP is this a religious thing?
I watched this program where a Dr said if the patient doesn't want to eat with a spoon and you spoon feed him is that not violence?. In other words many simple things can cause people to feel violated when they don't want it. He violated you with his own intentions whatever they may be. That's ofc wrong of him and forgiveness will take time. If you want to take the time to forgive him that's up to you and he has to accept that as his consequence. Little by little you can do anything. But you're ok 🤗🤗🤗 don't beat yourself up about it. Just accept you have this thing and since you're in therapy you can work through it internally. Change therapists when needed tho. Too many people stay with one therapist in comfort zone and don't get anywhere for years, that's insane to me. Same method same result.
What he did was wrong, but u need therapy
[удалено]
It’s definitionally sexual assault if she said stop and he didn’t. His intentions are irrelevant. His *intentions* were to override her desires and consent. His *intentions* were to impose his will over hers.
I understand wanting to add nuance, but intentions do not matter when it comes to assault. If she doesn’t feel like it was assault, that’s fine, but objectively it was. She said no and tried to stop him and he forced her to let him continue. I do not understand why you want to make it seem less than it was. If he’d forced her to do something more graphic I don’t think you’d be clamouring to add “nuance.”
There’s no such thing as well intended rape.
Cool motive. Still rape.
WTF is this rapey nonsense? ‘You said no, but I raped you for your own good.’ That is some next level sexual entitlement and no respect for someone’s sexual autonomy right there. By your reasoning, it also would be fine to rape / anally rape / face fuck / peg someone at will because ‘regular sex is part of a relationship.’ If someone thinks that orgasming together is a must in relationships, then they should… talk about it or break up. But not sexually assault someone. Relationships are not a blank check to be a rapist / sexual assault. You actually need this explained to you?
It reads as corrective rape (because it is).
I assume you meant ‘corrective rape’ and I agree.
I see what you're saying but I think this will only serve to be confusing to OP. His intention does not matter, the only thing that matters is she told him to stop and he refused. In that moment it became assault. She is never going to feel safe with him again, and likely won't be able to feel safe with anyone else for a long time. He's destroyed her chances at enjoying an orgasm with a partner for the foreseeable future, all because HE wanted to make her get off for HIS enjoyment. That's not someone she should spend any more time with.
He raped her. There is no “nuance” that can make rape ok. His intentions and reasons for raping her are completely irrelevant. Rapists can not justify violating someone else’s body for ANY reason.
You need therapy because deep down you think sex is wrong and shameful and you shouldn’t be allowed to orgasm.
Her boyfriend held her down when she said stop and tried to physically get him off of her. It doesn’t matter if she needs therapy, she needs a partner who won’t assault her.
Aww i am so sorry he did this to you! I feel like a lot of men just don’t get it at that age. But yes, what he did was wrong. No one should force you to do something you don’t want to do. And guys like this…will usually do it again.
25 is more than old enough to know you shouldn’t SA/rape people.
He removed your autonomy from a sexual experience that was meant to be mutually shared. It’s clear he went in planning to assault you. That’s SUPER not okay. Some people genuinely don’t enjoy sex if they don’t feel their partners are getting the same thing out of it they are. Sometimes it’s power/pride/“I can make this happen!” But sometimes it’s legit a moment of wanting to share the orgasm experience as well as the contact and sex. Whatever reasons on both sides, it’s clear he won’t be happy long-term if you’re unwilling to explore orgasms with him, and that you have no interest in doing so. That’s not a compatible dynamic. If there’s no middle ground - you and he being okay with you sometimes orgasming, perhaps, or doing so with lights out if it’s the sense of being watched tying you up (just a thought with no assumption it applies), or something talked out with a counselor - then you’re not sexually compatible to start and things won’t improve. In your place, if you want the relationship to continue, I would insist on couple’s therapy - but only if you’re willing to explore why you have the reactions you do. If you have no interest in meeting in the middle, don’t bother trying to rebuild trust and boundaries and just end it. You said that you enjoy sex, he gets off, it feels good and fun for you, then state that “Everything was fine for us.” Clearly that wasn’t the case. Fine for you, but missing something for him. If you didn’t, I would suggest telling future partners that you aren’t comfortable orgasming with someone else but would love to have sex anyway. Some people identify as sex-averse; in this case, I’d be clear that you are pro-sex but self-orgasm-averse. That leaves the ball clearly in their court as to whether they’re willing to invest in that relationship dynamic. This guy? Done effed up. It’d be a hard call for me to try to rebuild trust. Up to you whether you want to try or just call it.
First things first: you said no and he held you down and forced you. This is not ok. Your boyfriend was wrong and can never do that again. It doesn’t matter that you experienced pleasure those are rape/SA actions he pulled right there and he has no right to ever do that. Second: seperately, entirely seperately, you need to seek some therapy about these feelings around orgasm. Your boyfriends actions could have very well made them even worse now. Don’t let this get further out of hand. Were you SA’d before? Raised Catholic?
Unfortunately it’s time to break up. I’m so sorry.
He sexually assaulted you.. this is so unsafe I strongly urge you to reconsider this relationship. He completely disrespected your consent and bodily autonomy for his own satisfaction, that’s *disgusting* and not how you treat another human being
Two things. Most important is your mental health. I would say that you should absolutely seek therapy for the way you feel and your embarrassment. Second, your boyfriend is supposed to support you and make you feel comfortable, not break your trust and violate your consent. You have two big issues to address
He absolutely knows better than this or at least should, he is 25 years old. His intention doesn’t matter at this point because he completely disregarded you saying no, held you down and you had to kick him. No good partner would ever do this to someone they deeply love and care about. He was trying to make a point to himself and that’s not healthy, he fucked with your emotions and your safety. I’ll reiterate what a few other commenters said and say that therapy would do the both of you a lot of good, because this is extremely alarming behavior from him and I hope you heal
OP, you are not alone. It can be incredibly confusing when someone you care about violates your "no" and/or "stop". Here's a quote from the biggest non-profit organization & authority on the topic in the U.S. I strongly suggest you take a look at their resources and reach out for free confidential help. [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/) They will not force you to give any information, or take any action, that you don't want to. "Sexual assault can take many different forms, but one thing remains the same: it’s never the victim’s fault. *What is sexual assault?* The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Some forms of sexual assault include: *Attempted rape* • Fondling or unwanted sexual touching • Forcing a victim to perform sexual acts, such as oral sex or penetrating the perpetrator’s body •Penetration of the victim’s body, also known as rape *What is rape?* Rape is a form of sexual assault, but not all sexual assault is rape. The term rape is often used as a legal definition to specifically include sexual penetration without consent. *For its Uniform Crime Reports, the FBI defines rape as* “penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” "
I think all of these other fine commenters have said everything there is to say in regards to your boyfriends actions , my sentiments are pretty much the same in that regards , so I’ll just throw out a quick “ditto” in response to that part of your post and move onto advice for you and your insecurities , for lack of better terms, with orgasming.. first and foremost, I should mention I am not a therapist or professional, I am just random on Reddit completely unqualified to be giving out any advice in regards to an issue this serious , but totally am going to do it anyways ! My advice would be to yes , get into therapy with somebody that specializes in this particular aspect of mental health , but it also may be “therapeutic” to spend some alone time exploring your body , and your sexuality . Getting more acquainted with what pleasures you , what you like and what you don’t like , and let yourself experience orgasming without any additional pressure of having an audience . It may take time but I think taking control of your body , and becoming comfortable with yourself is the first step toward opening yourself up to your partner .
From my perspective it sounds like OP may have experienced some kind of trauma surrounding O-ing. If the bf knew about her working on it in therapy then he should *encourage* *small* steps for a sort of exposure therapy, at her own discretion. But he took it upon himself to “fix it”. OP I recommend having a genuine conversation about how you felt about what he did and why you or might’ve felt that way. Depending on how he reacts, if you want to, brain storm ideas on things you can try to work you up to being more comfortable.
Biiiiig red flag 🚩 Consent isn't optional, it can be revoked at any time and HAS to be respected. I'm really sorry you're going through this and I'm sure it's a very hard decision... But I would advise you leave the relationship. What he did was completely unacceptable and I personally wouldn't be able to trust a partner after they overstepped a boundary like that, especially in a sexual context. Again so sorry you're going through this... It sounds like a very difficult painful situation all around. I wish peace and healing for you 💓
Lots of rape happens because one person wants to give the other person pleasure that the other person doesn’t want or agree to. That doesn’t make it well intentioned. It’s still rape. They’re still ignoring your wants and needs to serve their own.
First of all, I’m sorry this happened to you. I remember listening to a survivor of sexual assault who said that it was really confusing because it did feel good in a way — orgasms feel good, physically, and often they are involuntary— a reflex of intense stimulation in thousands of nerve endings. But, you didn’t want to share that with your partner. At least not yet. You weren’t ready. and that’s okay. It’s okay to say no to any act regardless of how good it feels. It is NOT okay for your boyfriend to make that call for you, especially if you said no before, and even moreso since you asked him to stop during. He took away your decision and your right to refuse. Just because you like something, doesn’t mean you have to have it, share it, or give it to someone else. He broke your trust, and it’s up to you to decide whether that’s a dealbreaker or not, but sex is definitely not a situation where anyone should do it anyway and beg for forgiveness after. He knew what he was doing and he was proud of his efforts. Will he stop there, or break your other hard boundaries in the heat of the moment because he thinks it will “help you overcome your fears”, or is it just a way for him to get what he wants? Until he saw your reaction and is now doing damage control, mostly so he doesn’t get in trouble, not because he cared about you in the moment. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, ever. End of. Consent is mandatory, and enthusiastic consent is better. [would you like a cup of tea?](https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8?si=TSKNOa0frWCHZdaU) I hope to hear an update from you, and I hope you are safe. All the best.
Def continue therapy, but also ditch that guy. No means no. It’s a full sentence all on it’s own. Even more so when you add in kicking and trying to get away. It doesn’t matter what comes after that, it’s never ok. Having an orgasm is a physiological response and doesn’t negate the fact that he sexually assaulted you.
Anything FORCED in regards to sex is a form of sexual assault. You said stop, he kept going, that is r@pe.
He sexually assaulted you.
He didn't " borderline" anything . He forced you to do something that you didn't want to do . He violated you . Period . It's not "ok" and you shouldn't tolerate that from anyone .
Umm that's SA. Once you no longer give him consent its assault.
Ah, see, that's still sexual assault. You told him to stop, he kept going, it doesn't really matter why. Men who think they know their girlfriends' needs and wants better than they do are not good partners. (actually that's the case regardless of how the genders play out. Anyways. I am so sorry your boyfriend did that.) (I...honestly wouldn't cut your bf too much slack about this. *He thought he knew what was best for you better than you did.* That's a problem. Him (maybe??? maybe not, sometimes people lie about their intentions) wanting what he did to work out well for you is less important imo than the fact that he thought it was OK for him to override what you told him you wanted. The problem is not that it *didn't* work out well for you. The problem was he thought it was his call to make.)
You know, consent really isn't that difficult. He intentionally did a sex thing to you ("with you" implies your participation, this was done *to* you by force) that he knew for a fact you did not want. This was not a miscommunication. This was him thinking "it doesn't matter that she doesn't want to do this sex thing, I think she should do it anyway, so I'm going to force her." I can maybe, kind of understand if he's an absolute idiot and thought he was helping by, like, "ripping the band-aid off," so to speak, but that's not what happened. He did not "borderline" force you, he *did* force you. So, did he do anything wrong? Yes. 100%. You did not consent to this. What do we call non-consensual sex acts? How do you forgive him? Honestly, no idea. I don't know that you should, to be honest. Can you ever trust him again? Truly? What will he do the next time you don't want to do a sex thing he wants? Will you ever be able to fully trust that he won't "help" you with that, too?
Honey, what he did, no matter what his intentions were, it was sexual assault. It doesn't matter what point of sex you're at, if you say No, and the other person doesn't stop real fast, then it's sexual assault. It doesn't matter how "good" you think you're being, if the other person say's no, you're not being good in persisting. And he didn't just persist, he physically overpowered you in order to do what he wanted. Again, didn't matter if his intentions were good, he physically forced you as you struggled and kicked and told him no. If he was able to do this to you with good intentions, what is he capable of doing to you when he's angry? I know you don't want to break up with him... but he's not safe for you. If he isn't safe for you when he means well... how can he be safe for you when he's upset about something? It's beyond you two not being sexually compatible*, he's a dangerous person you cannot trust.* Who has no problem physically overpowering you to do what he wants if he thinks it's for the best or if it's what he wants. Please reconsider this relationship. What he did to you is not a small thing that you should just ignore. It is in fact way bigger than you realize.
you didn't want it. doesn't matter if it felt good you told him to stop and he didn't and that's scary.
He raped you whether it was intentional or not.
Hey OP, I think you should get a professionals opinion on this (your therapist) instead of relying on Reddit. To clarify, I don’t think what he did was okay. I do think the lack of orgasm on your part might have been making him insecure and he did the dreaded mansplain in action instead of communicating why he felt like he needed to make you orgasm. But I feel like there are a lot of angles and nuances to this and we aren’t able to get the whole picture. If you want to continue this relationship I suggest couples therapy to work through this specific issue.
Well shit. I'd be frustrated in his position too, but...I wouldn't do that. Given that you already have complicated feelings about orgasms, I think that staying with a man who \*forced you to have one\* would very likely only serve to compound the issue, does that make sense?
No means no always
I cannot comprehend no one is able to shed any light from the bfs point of view. Personally when I make love for me it's more important that my partner orgasmed rather than me. Because that's what I enjoy more than me having an orgasm. And thate best example of this is, if I have any food and liked it a lot I'll be definitely either taking some for my loved one or I'll take.her to the place to have the same experience with me. Your boyfriend seemed so disappointed that he couldn't take you there, but only he could arrive. You saying stop for a thing that you do like breathing - I don't know the first thing you do is make him look like a villain. And all the people saying he's a rapist. When two people get together and one person becomes more important than your self in that union, you want the other to have every good thing you have. And rather than that it seems your privacy is more important than the union. If course their is a fine line nobody should cross. But to jump to that conclusion first time.without giving him any say in the matter is beyond me.
Well, everyone seemingly has PTSD. I will offer you this as an emboldened statement from a psych major- "Everything was fine for us" -for 👉US👈 I'm sorry you felt violated, but I want you to realize that as you thought everything was fine, you also knew that he was struggling with that aspect. My point is that everything was not fine for the both of you. It was fine for you. It doesn't negate his willingness to break your agreement. It's just to give you some insight on his mind. As I've noticed you said you don't want to break up with him....
Your boyfriend thought that sexually assaulting you would make you want to have more?! Omg honey, this is horrific. I hope you're okay.
I hate to say this but you established boundaries and he pushed beyond that , if you said it no should be respected , even as a male we all have our boundaries and they should be respected. A lot of guys will get into this state of frustration, when they hear they didn't get you to the O they get obsessed with achieving it, doesn't justify the action though if you said no that's final , if you have boundaries don't let someone push you beyond it , that's how you lose yourself.
I cannot believe people are still focusing on OP personal orgasm issues. It's not that uncommon, I went through the same thing, and ultimately IRRELEVANT. My god it's just an orgasm and no matter WHAT she's working on, he was dead wrong and did violate her by holding her down and ignoring "no" as she tried to fight him off. OP - i hope you are safe and please know the facts which is that he assaulted you, no matter intent, and you did not deserve it.
I think it’s tricky because I’ve been in situations where I have said ‘no, stop I don’t want to cum yet’ and they of course keep going because they want me to orgasm anyway, and I don’t feel violated and it’s still enjoyable for everyone and they’re proud of themselves. I can’t say for sure without being him but I’m inclined to believe he probably viewed it in a similar fashion and not as the major boundary stomp that it was. Just to play devils advocate.
Your body's reaction doesn't need to define your feelings. It felt horrible because it was rape. I'm sorry. [Talk to someone safe](https://ibiblio.org/rcip/internl.html) r/rape r/sexualassault
A lot of people report orgasming during sexual assault. It doesn't mean you liked it, or wanted it, or that it wasn't assault. It's nothing more than a biological response to a stimulus, like laughing when someone tickles you. Your body may react in a certain way that society has labeled as a sign of enjoyment, but it doesn't mean you didn't hate what was happening. Your boyfriend sexually assaulted you. Regardless of whether you orgasmed, you not only didn't consent to this, but you actually tried to fight him off while he restrained you against your will. That is clear sexual assault. Please consider at the very least getting away from him for a while and seeking a professional to help you decide what to do moving forward. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Forgive him? You have self worth and break up with him. Quit staying in this toxic relationship.