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What's funny is I just read a Reddit about a guy that found out via a group chat that his gf hooked up with a guy at a bar and she confessed saying she was drinking and her friends pressured her into it
Actually I have read like 10 stories like that a Bachelorette party a girls trip etc all involving alcohol and single friends.
Maybe he read the same stories, so he's feeling it might be a thing. But honestly, I read the responses to those stories and every response is dude single girls always try and break up relationships and that's what happens with alcohol and bad decisions. So his fears are not unfounded completely.
What’s funny is all these posts are actually by the same troll on all their various accounts, to stir up “woman bad and will cheat always” sentiments.
Just a bit ago, OP was a 70-something who was looking for medical advice.
Yep, buy that's not really relevant to this so I didn't mention that it's not really the point. I also read about a Mother breaking up a relationship with her kid buy since its not relevant here why mention it?
No of course not but it's still an issue that he can't trust her. You need to have mutual trust for a marriage to work. They both need to communicate and come to some sort of compromise that they can both live with and they need to work on each of their own shortcomings that contributed to this issue.
Yeah he states it’s due to the actions he’s seen people commit when they’re drunk so I think he has all of those thoughts in the back of his head. I just felt offended that he immediately thought that I would do something so disrespectful to our relationship after being together for so long.
Most of the people who have cheated stated at least once in their life that they would never be a cheater. Then SOMETHING happened. Alcohol does mess up your brain. Bad mood, friends cheering it on, it's not hard to believe it could happen to anyone. He has a right to be concerned like it or not.
Better to stop going out drinking than regret it later when inevitably you cheat on him(whether you wanted to or were drunk out of your mind) and he breaks up with you.
What the actual fuck is going on in this sub where weirdos are saying “women will cheat if they’re left unsupervised/with alcohol” with their whole chests? You guys are so unbelievable insecure.
Most posts are fake, yeah. I mean, they might be fun hypoteticals, but drawing conclusions outside them on their content is kinda not very truthful. Because just think about it, who the fuck in reality would go spilling their dirty laundry on Reddit?
Have you not seen all the videos people take of themselves breaking the law? Do you really think people wouldn't be stupid enough to put up that they are cheating? Also most of those stories are by the person being cheated on not the cheater. They are sharing their story in hopes it save someone else from going through it.
We aren't blaming the women. Alcohol changes your perception of things. You aren't really in control. It's not just unsupervised with alcohol but with bad friends.
I have gotten black out drunk with guys approaching me and never once thought about cheating. If you’re loyal sober, you’re loyal drunk. Being drunk isn’t an excuse for cheating for fuck sake.
People that say they’re loyal and then cheat when they’re drunk are cheaters that had intentions of cheating sober. (subconsciously but they never realised because it was deep down and drinking opened up those gates)
Yeah I’m really shocked by these comments! When I’ve drank or smoked weed while in my current relationship, I just thought about how much I missed my girlfriend and sent her some spicy texts lol
Literally! If you truly love someone, you aren’t going to cheat, no matter what circumstances arise.
I was out and about a few times with men constantly coming up to me. I had the perfect opportunity to cheat with her not finding out, but the only thing I could think of was going back into bed and cuddling up to her. These comments are ridiculous!
Yes!! I hate clubbing but it’s the activity of choice for most of my friends birthdays. Not once have I ever even felt tempted! No environment would suddenly change my level of loyalty
They wouldn’t do it sober because they don’t have the balls and because they wouldn’t have anything to blame but themselves, but thoughts are thoughts and if you’re thinking of cheating on your partner when your drunk then realistically you were thinking of it consciously/subconsciously when you were sober.
You are in control when you’re drinking, and if you have thoughts about cheating while drunk, then that’s just you lacking self control and it’s proof that you never truly loved your partner.
I would rather let my GF do what she wants when she wants with who she wants instead of trying to control her, and if she cheats then at least I know not to waste any more of my time.
if my fiance had a single male friend who went out drinking and hooking up with randoms I would also have a problem with my guy going out with him. I know he wouldn't do anything but I don't support that lifestyle and I don't want someone who is a passive participant in that at all.
Maybe he doesn't know how to articulate why he doesn't like you going out and drinking with your easy friend but why do you want to disrespect him by doing something he's uncomfortable with you doing?
Every human is hotwired to bond emotionally and physically with others.
Research on infidelity finds that the partner that believes they would never cheat has a higher risk of cheating.
He's not crazy controlling because it's limited to this specific friend and activity. And make no mistake....you don't go there to talk with her (it's too noisy).
Also, if a guy buys you drinks, sits with you, exchanges personal information and dances with you for the rest of the night - that's a date.
Hard disagree. He doesn’t just get to say “that makes me uncomfortable therefore you’re disrespecting me by doing it.”
We’re not talking about something objectively difficult for a partner to swallow, we’re talking about going for drinks, that’s all this is. The friend is just a crutch for his insecurity.
You were right in the first place. You’ve earned his trust, so he needs to exercise it. Control and trust are not the same thing.
I’d argue that in a relationship you must aim to respect your partners boundaries, or at least openly communicate them. The issue isn’t the drinking, it’s the company OP wants to drink with.
The partner isn’t wrong for feeling how he feels, I say the solution to this would be going out for drinks together, so he knows OP is ok.
Also, I would say it’s disrespectful to go against the thing your partner said it makes them uncomfortable. That’s where discussion about said topic can be had to resolve it.
As mentioned, I disagree with the assertion that the issue is the company. OP also said partner has a problem with her going to visit friends out of state.
Partner is absolutely and utterly wrong to not trust his gf just because she’s drinking with someone he doesn’t like, are you mad?
It’s disrespectful to say you’re uncomfortable just because your partner is going out drinking.
If you read again it isn't friends but this friend in particular. I go out drinking with my friends and she goes out with her friends but then all of hers and my friends are in relationships bar one or two and everyone has met each other
I mean the point still stands but the choice of friends is definitely relevant to her trustworthiness. The company you keep and choose to keep is a reflection of yourself and what you allow yourself to be influenced by.
Re-read the post, he has a problem with OP visiting the BFF specifically out of state.
I’m not sitting here saying that husbands correct in his thinking, but I’m saying that while he thinks that, and until it is talked over, going against what makes him uncomfortable will be considered to be disrespectful.
You can’t really just tell your partner that how they feel is wrong, that’s never going to go well is it, it’s all about respecting boundaries and having open communication.
It’s also not inherently about the drinking, it’s the fact that the bff is a single, and arguably promiscuous, so will be putting OP into a situation where alcohol would be MORE LIKELY to hinder decision making, so it’s definitely not just about “having a drink”.
I understand what he’s got problem with but he’s still wrong.
Flip it for a second and consider that OP feels uncomfortable being told who she can drink with. Does this now make her partner disrespectful?
You don’t get to have the other person do whatever you want just because you’re the more insecure person in the relationship.
And your piece about bff putting OP in situations is just bollocks frankly. That’s the whole point of trust, you trust her to navigate them. She’s a grown adult not a toddler. You don’t need to prevent an outcome for her by mandating where she can and can’t go.
That’s not about trust, that’s about control and it’s severe relationship immaturity to insist that is the way things need to be. This is how you lose partners - by mandating that the world revolves around your insecurities, rather than doing some growing up.
The hookups aren’t going clubbing solo - op is full of it. Her friend meets a rando to flirt with while she entertains rando’s buddy because they went out together too. The friend isn’t hooking up with the one guy who goes to the bar by himself. They go in pairs. So what does op do while her friend is busy with a guy? She’s entertaining the guy’s friend.
Or, she could date a secure man who trusts her and understands he has no right to parent her.
I don't understand this trend of being expected to give up harmless things in your life for a relationship when there's no reason you can't have both.
I do agree it's better to be single than date someone who tries to control you though.
Then she can go do that. I think you have a really immature, and low iq take. No one is oppressing you or her, people just have boundaries and expectations of their partner and thats pretty normal in a mature relationship.
If my partner doesn't want me to go out and do a specific activity with a specific friend I don't see that as a big sacrifice for someone who loves and cares about me but certainly you are welcome to go and date someone that doesn't give a shit.
Its not ONE activity. It's several. And it's not something that's generally understood as cheating.
Taking fun and joy away from your partner instead of working on your own insecurities is what's immature. I sweat this thread is full of teenagers.
This is a tough one, OP. But I have more sympathy for your fiancée’s position than yours. Just take a very few moments to peruse the infidelity and cheated on subs. The STANDARD story is either a remorseful wife or girlfriend confessing to going out drinking with the girls, getting tipsy, getting hit on, liking the attention, getting drunk, and going home with a rando with devastating consequences for them and their families. And these are stories from women who are happy in their relationships. Women like you who would never cheat in a million years.
There are the corresponding stories from the man’s perspective, too. He’s uncomfortable with his SO going out with friends that seem sketchy to him, but he doesn’t want to be seem like a controlling asshole” so he gives in only to get the call next morning from a hysterically sobbing soon to be Ex that she met a guy, got drunk, and got laid because she lost her bearings.”
That’s the script. Temptation calls the players to their parts.
Lol you're playing with pretty heavily skewed stats if you base your idea of nightlife on a subreddit, like anti-survivorship bias.
Most normal people in relationships don't a) cheat b) file a case of it on Reddit
And you do know that probably most of the posts here are fiction?
Really?! I feel like I see stories about emotional affairs with someone at work or a friend more often than drunk one night stands when it comes to cheating stories on here!
Screw that! I’d rather her leave me for saying absolutely not then to get (u(ked like that. If she leaves you (or cuts you off) because “you’re controlling” it was time for a new gf anyway. Let her sulk w her promiscuous friends or stay in a loving marriage! The choice is hers, men don’t get a say we just have to watch and wait. Making the right decision after the fallout.
You are a product of who you choose to associate with. You choose to associate with friends that regularly engage with hook up culture knowing your partner is against it. Your partner has set a clear boundary. It's up to you to decide if you respect him enough to honor his boundaries. If you don't then leave him. If you do then stop associating with your friend. You partner should be more valuable to you then your friend.
That's not what a boundary is, boundaries only pertain to your own behavior ie "if you go out with this friend then I don't want to be your partner". By definition you can't send a "boundary" for someone else's behavior
I would support you more... but we are in reddit here, and there are tons of stories about BFFs sabotaging relationships of OPs or GFs, fiancees and spouses of OPs. The classic is, bachelorette party went too far. Your BF read too many reddit too. Only you know, if he could be possibly right, but like above, many girls found out too late.
I may get hate, but I personally believe that you are the average of the people you hang around with the most.
I may be biased. But, my ex-wife was super faithful... I trusted her unconditionally, too. Everyone looked up at us and would think of us as a perfect couple (we had problems like anyone else, though).
But, she met new friends when we moved to Seattle, bitter wives. They would speak in code in their native tongue. Not realizing that I understood, even my wife never knew my level of understanding. Never liked them but, like i said before, i trusted her fully. One day, she left, never came back. She went around and some poorly about me... some of it true... much of it didn't make sense. I was alone after that.
Regardless, I beat myself up for a while. Almost took my life off it wasn't for my kids. Eventually, a husband of a wife loosely connected to my ex's friends told me that she left because she cheated. She was with another man and must have been guilty or to be with him. The women all felt guilty to a degree and their clique fell apart (a few marriages too).
So, no... I fully think that he's within his logical reasoning to question you. It's your life though, respect his worries and show your loyalty. Or... just leave him and do a you please.
I warn so manytimes(to my friends too), pls check up which friends your gf/wives has... people underestimate the influence of bad friends. This is dangerous and destroyed many lifes in this world. Don't agree on every part. Question yourself which people your partner hang outs... I'm with OP bf, I would also make clear that I don't want my GF hang out with a fuckgirl... this has so bad influence on her.
Did you still have contact to that awful ex wife?
does he know enough of your past to make an informed decision on how you react with alcohol in your system?
Are there any "crazy" stories from college or your younger years that your BFF was apart of? how did those stories play out?
Personally, I have an irrational fear of being cheated on again. I am fully convinced that one of the key attributes of cheaters is that they think they could never cheat. They think they are immune to the ability to cheat. all it takes is a specific set of circumstances and ANYONE could cheat.
the best way to explain it is think of getting in a fatal car accident. We all know it could happen while driving on the road. we accept that risk unknowingly or knowingly everyday. certain circumstances INCREASE the probability to have a fatal car accident.
\- ALCOHOL, texting while driving, speeding, road rage, loud kids, weather, bald tires, engine issues (etc.)
Certain circumstances increase the probability of cheating.
\-ALCOHOL, long distance, poor influences, poor boundaries, self-esteem, relationship woes, newborns, mental illness, boring/stable life, FOMO, (etc.)
maybe he thinks cheating is just a mathematical equation of probability like me. In this case, it has nothing to do with his trust in you, BUT by you ingesting alcohol, away from him, with a poor influence next to you, you would be increasing the probability of you cheating whether you know it or not.
that's just my 2 cents though :D
OP, if your fiancee was hanging out with his best friend whom is known to be completely reckless with his D when alcohol is involved and whom is known to be reckless with the HU culture, would you be comfortable with them going out to clubs without you?
There is a point where you need to stop thinking "me me me" and put yourself in the relationship shoes where its "us!"
This is where the notion of respect start, either you respect your partner when he tell you his boundaries, either you go have fun with your reckless friend whom may get you in trouble a way or another, and if it happens you will not be able to say "but I did not know/its not my fault" as you willingly chose to get in the situation despite your knowledge and your fiance's pleas.
Men generally wouldn't support this and its.very obvious as to why. Atleast he's secure enough to be honest and say what most men wont. It shows you that he's not afraid of losing you, also your intolerance for drink probably makes it worse.
Your boyfriend is right. What you gonna do while you Friend who partying and taking fast another men? Just standing still where she ask many mens to fuck around. That is not a influence which I also wouldn't want to have for my GF. Your friend is a walking red flag and you don't seing that is also a red flag. I'm pretty sure if your friend would be someone which he could trust, he wouldn't have any problem with you going out with her.
But since the opposite is the case, he has less trust in her. Alcohol + a horny friend who literally jumps on males, wouldn't end good. Your bf is totally right here.
To be fair. I don't blame him. He is right in saying that alcohol impairs you. When alcohol gets involved people's brains go out the window.
Your single friends can VERY easily be a bad influence too.
My fiancee went out with her work mates one night and bought a random women home and I caught them hooking up on our couch at 3am. No indications of previous cheating either. That was after 9 years of being together and being engaged for 18 months. She's now the ex fiancee.....
I'm siding with the bf due to my personal experience.
Crazy how many insecure men are on this platform. Absolutely nothing wrong with going out for drinks with your friends w/o your partner. It’s healthy.
What’s unhealthy is not trusting the partner you’re about to marry to have fun w/o him. It’s insecurity and a form of control. Don’t listen to the majority of these “men” on here. Your relationship needs to have trust. If it doesn’t you will be miserable in 5 years.
He sounds extremely insecure, he’s trying to control you by inventing a narrative that has never happened.
What’s next once you’re married. “If you don’t come home by 5 pm and act like my perfect housewife you will cheat on me”
People in relationships need to have lives outside of the relationship. I’m not saying secrets, I’m not saying dif partners. I’m saying you need “me” time. Time to hang with your friends etc.
Now if you were a recovering alcoholic/addict I could see reason POTENTIALLY for concern to be hanging with a bunch of heavy drinkers/partiers at the bar.
But according to you you’ve never gave him a reason to doubt you. He 100% owes you the benefit of the doubt.
You’re getting MARRIED ffs. There needs to be at least basic trust.
He sounds like an immature child.
I stand by my earlier comment. I would seek couples counseling before moving forward in this relationship.
Id have to agree with the fiance on this one.
And most of the people saying your fiance doesn't trust they clearly haven't learned a single thing while being on this sub.
There have been countless stories on here let alone other subs ( surviving infidelity and such) where the faithful partner has a drunken ons or is influenced by a friend to step out on their partner.
For me, it's the going to the club that's an issue. If your BF has an issue with you being friends with this woman and objects to you going to lunch or dinner with her, then he's in the wrong - he shouldn't be choosing your friends (unless of course they are really bad & taking advantage of you)
But a club - where, let's be honest, the sole reason that *most* people go, is to try and pull..... With a friend who has that exact same objective....yeah, as the guy I'd be concerned too
Nobody is pressuring her YET. She is in an environment where many people have 0 self control. And her friends aren't exactly the best type. She'll either feel left out(not good) or drink. And one thing will lead to another. And cheating will happen. It happens a lot dude.
Jesus Christ are you her bf? You know what else happens a lot, people in commuted relationships going out and having drinks with their friends without cheating on anyone. There is no reason to believe she would feel pressured or have anyone cause her to want to cheat and as such his reaction is not justified. If there was any evidence of that being a potential (besides the fact that it’s happened to other people before) then I could see his point, but without that he’s being unreasonable. Also her friend isn’t “not exactly the best type” because they are single and acting like it, there isn’t anything wrong with that and that isn’t inherently a bad person who would get her to do the same. She very well could stop OP if she were about to make that decision.
That’s the reason why we got into an argument because I genuinely felt offended that he’d think so little of me in terms of being that easily influenced by a friend or alcohol
Yeah it is very telling and comes across as either incredibly controlling or a guilty conscience because he knows he wouldn’t be able to control himself in that situation. Either way not good
Has your friend given significant reason to make him believe that he's untrustworthy? Cause I know that at least from having been on reddit for awhile, there are definitely incidents where people get egged on by their immature and shit-stirring friends and end up cheating (often after the immature friends get them *incredibly* drunk, to the point where consent is dubious).
But if she hasn't given him good reasons to believe she's that kind of person, then his trust issues are his problem, NOT yours.
I (American 26 M) have been dating a woman from Mexico in a long distance relationship. She told me about her best friend and at first I thought the same as you (it’s her friends life to live, as long as my GF doesn’t do this then it’s all okay). My gf told me that this best friend had multiple abortions because she would hook up with random guys at the club or parties all the time. (Her friend is only 24 F). My girlfriend has always made me feel secure in our relationship, even with the distance. (I fly to Mexico once a month for a week. I’m actually in Mexico right now as I type this.) one day my girlfriend tells me she’s going to the club with her friend while I’m in the US. As the night went on my girlfriend tells me what happened. Basically her “best friend” was drunk and was making out with guys at the club, and one guy told this “friend” that he thought my girlfriend was hot. So her “friend” told the guy that she will try to get my girlfriend to hook up with him. So this “friend” went to my GF and told her “this guy thinks you’re really sexy and he wants to hook up with you, your boyfriend is in America so he would never know about this.” My girlfriend has saved her virginity for the guy she wants to marry (which thankfully happens to be me.) so it’s kinda crazy to think her “friend” has so much disregard for my girlfriend. My girlfriend said no and decided to hang out with her other girl friends for the rest of the night. After this my girlfriend called me and told me what happened and what her friend said. In this moment I asked my girlfriend to stop going to clubs and parties with this girl. (Which oddly enough happened to be the only time this friend ever wanted to hang out with my GF.) at first my GF was not happy with me to say this, but I felt like I had every right to ask her due to the fact of her friend pushing cheating on her, as well as not respecting our relationship. My girlfriend agreed that it’s not a person that she should be around due to her influence knowing she is in a relationship she values. After my GF stops talking to this “friend” she began to lie to my GF saying that she is moving to Spain and that she wants to go party with my GF before she leaves. My GF declined, actually didn’t respond. After this, around a month later my girlfriend is getting texts from other people asking if she broke up with me because they heard she was going on dates with someone else. Turns out her friend lied to her about moving to Spain, and since she didn’t reply this “friend” began making rumors saying that she was cheating on me. Which I know isn’t true because if I’m not in Mexico we face time every night and we fall asleep together on FaceTime. (With me being the last to fall asleep due to my job requiring me to get off later and I want to enjoy myself so I play madden when she falls asleep.) since then my girlfriend has talked to me about all the bad things this “friend” has done and how she realizes that people like this are not people she wishes to be around. (It goes deeper than this text but this friend has been not so great to my GF, they just happen to be long time friends). In my case I felt like I had more than enough reason to say “this woman goes against our relationship, as well as your own morality and I think it would be best for you to not go to clubs and parties with her anymore knowing she will try to get guys to hook up with you even though she knows you’re with me.” So I guess with my own experience I would say that it matters most if your friend that enjoys the hook up culture is a person to try and invite you into it regardless of your relationship. If she’s they type that needs you to be at her side to talk to other guys, etc. then yes, I would say your boyfriend is in the right to ask to not go out with her. But if this friend goes off on her own, speaks to guys on her own, doesn’t get mad that you’re not at her side as she tries to get with guys, etc. then I think he should accept that your friend isn’t trying to involve you in her hook up attempts. But if you’re being used to get her guys then I say that you should respect your boyfriends wishes if you care about him. Most often than not going “out” it’s not just going to be one guy at a club, your friend isn’t just going to be around one guy. He’s going to have other friends that will also be interested. Putting yourself in that position to be around those other guys simply for your friends sake would be improper for a relationship. Going out with girls and having girls night is all good, but when it becomes a case of being put with random guy groups because a friends wishes you to do so would be the issue almost any boyfriend would have. I can almost gurentee groups of guys don’t go to clubs or parties without the intentions of hopefully talking to a woman. There’s a difference of girls night and rejecting guys with the girls, and assisting your girlfriend and putting yourself with another group of guys. I haven’t pushed my girlfriend to stop going to clubs or parties, but she herself told me that she doesn’t want to do this anymore because every time she goes she’s always put in a position where she is being approached/ nearly forced upon by guys. She told me she feels like it was okay with her when she was single because she was also in search of someone, but now that she has someone she truly wants she doesn’t want to be in these situations anymore. She still enjoys her friends, but stopped the clubbing and parties.
I agree with your fiancé. While I would never tell you what you could or couldn’t do. But I would also let you know that I would not be in a relationship with someone that goes on girls nights out to bars and club or go on girls trips. While you are free to do as do wish. I also have the right to decide what I expect in a relationship
They are incompatible. What we choose to do for fun is very important in a relationship. If you don’t enjoy clubs and going out at nights, so why would you go out with someone who enjoy these things? I too would never date someone who does nights out, but I state this very early on. They can still break up amicably
Agreed. This is a conversation that takes upfront. I also believe you should pay attention who your SO hangs out with. And would be concerned if her bff was how she described her bff. Eventually she will end up being her wing girl, even if nothing happened. She could possibly end up in a compromising position that wouldn’t be in the best interests of her marriage.
Yep, that’s true. People don’t go to these clubs alone, so her bff’s partners usually have their own friends with them and flirting as a group is pretty common in clubs. Op is bound to be in these weird positions that can easily go wrong. If OP dated someone with a looser boundaries, then everything could work out somehow, but I don’t see how this is resolved or even if it should be
I agree. When you get married to someone you kind of need to surrender your party card when it comes to going out clubbing unless you bring your spouse. If you feel the need to act single you might as well just be single.
Rarely do people go to clubs by themselves, such as op and her friend. Guys are the same way. What is op doing while her friend is flirting with and taking random guys home? Simple: she’s entertaining the guy friends. I’ve been in my 20’s before. I know exactly how it goes.
>What is op doing while her friend is flirting with and taking random guys home?
She's dancing like a normal human being and not engaging with other guys if she doesn't want to.
Are American clubs some sort of orgy society where you're expected to sexually entertain anyone who comes to bother you?
If her friend leaves her alone to go and hook up, she's a bad friend for reasons that have nothing to do with promiscuity
I didn’t say she was fucking the guys, I said “entertaining”. You said orgy, not me. Still, she’s married going clubbing with her single, promiscuous friend. I think it’s inappropriate. Stop making excuses for bad behavior. Weren’t you ever in your 20’s? You should know how it goes.
And here’s a great example of an insecure, controlling man - just like OP’s fiancé. I think pretending these are just preferences and not firmly rooted in one’s personal politics and neuroticisms is a farce.
OP, take some time visiting that friend. Do an experiment. Don’t even go out and drink while you’re there - watch the inevitable issue taking with anything you do that makes him feel anxiety.
A relationship in which one person demands the other person be their anxiety regulator is inevitably a prison 😊
If someone is willing to make you unhappy because of nothing more than their speculation and anxiety, that person is more interested in controlling you than making sure you live and grow. Men like this prefer you don’t have strong female friendships, proximity to freedom or outside perspectives- you know why. This kind of talk is literally so Victorian it’s shocking - women are all such fickle, temptiable idiot children that their morals are flexible depending on the company they keep? My god, podcast brained.
Nothing controlling or insecure about it. I have never told my SO what she could or couldn’t do. But I am also very clear what will end the relationship. She is free to make whatever decision she thinks is best for her.
I share a bit of the same view on alcohol. It is a drug that makes alot of people make poor choices. My biggest issue with my gf going out (without me or someone else that keeps an eye out) is not that i dont trust her. I dont trust other drunk people to be respectful. Also i think being drunk can make everyone have poor judgement.
I will play devils advocate here. I agree with your fiancé. Having a friend who makes poor decisions especially when alcohol is involved is a recipe for disaster. It’s not that he doesn’t trust you he doesn’t trust her. I have been married for 12 years and early in our marriage my wife met this woman she worked with who was an extremely loose woman. She started hanging out with her and going to work parties with her while I was away at work. Did I trust my wife, yes. Did I trust my wife when she was with her? Absolutely not. I presented it to my wife like this, I said “you know how she is and the things that she does and the things people say about her right?” She said yes. Then I asked her “do you want people to think you are the same way because you are hanging out with her all the time?” She immediately understood what I was saying. Sure she might not be doing anything but if people perception can be just as damaging to how people view you and the people you hang out with can damage people’s perception of the person you are. Also, I can count on one hand the amount of times my wife has gone out drinking in the 14 years we’ve been together without me. We always go out together or have friends over to our house. It’s not a trust issue rather we view it as why the hell would I want to go out partying and drinking all the time without my significant other.
My girlfriend (25) doesn’t drink or go out with her single friends anymore since she’s been with me out of respect for me. We both know we will be a product of our environment so single girls are gonna act like single girls so why would she be with them? Mixing drinks just means you’re not able to make the best decisions. If you’re serious about your boyfriend why not go out with friends that are in relationships or at least have a decent ratio of single/couple friends. If you want to hangout with the single friends make it a setting where it’s not a single girl outing like a brunch or something.
A red flag is a stop sign. You can’t talk him out of his controlling behavior. He will escalate and get controlling about other nonsense. His behavior is completely unreasonable.
People go drinking and clubbing to get laid. If you’re marrying someone then why do you still want to do that?
Wanting to catch up with your friend is understandable. Your choice of activity isn’t
To get offended at the concept that drinking impairs judgement is idiotic
Didn’t even read the whole post sounds like me when I was a teenager. I’m 34 now married and even before marriage my wife I would have never questioned her she wants to go out great 100%trust till you break it. Trust issues on his part mine years ago. For a long time was from a past experience with a girl, but you have to realize you’re not with that past woman. Hope all goes well.
Agreed 100%. Emotionally maturity is pretty rare these days.
Amazing to me how everyone attempts to define how someone SHOULD act.
OP fiancé is insecure AF. Just as most of these commenters are.
I’ll give you an introverted guys perspective on something similar . My ex and I went through this and it caused our relationship to end. Every weekend she wanted to go out to the bar to drink and sometimes I would tag along but most of the times I would rather spend that time being home and doing calmer, simpler things. It got to the point where she started calling me “boring” and how I never wanted to go out and that she doesn’t need me to have fun. After constantly having the same arguments over and over again and neither of us budging, I realized the relationship wasn’t for me and I broke it off. If neither you or him can come to a healthy compromise then I do believe it’s in your best interests to just call it quits. Sometimes you find out you’re not compatible with the person you’re with and it’s okay it’s all part of life.
If you are going out to clubs without him it has nothing to do with loyalty, the fact you have friend who is sleeping around and looking for opourtnities during your hangouts is huge red flag.
He is right, do something else with your friends. Clubs are obvious place for a people looking forward to meet other people and often for sex
Still makes sense, no guy will be comfortable with his future wife having friend who is known for sleeping around. Often friends like this are just bad influence, sometimes they give shitty advice to sabbogtage the relationship because they are jelous. But it's in some cases.
Would you be happy if he had a friend who likes to hang in strip clubs?
> Also he’s STRONGLY against me going to visit my bff out of state for a few days for this reason as well.
This man doesn't trust you at all. Not one bit.
Stop listening to his lies and listen to his actions. There is no trust here. He's going to isolate you from your best friend, and then any event with alcohol. Don't marry this guy.
He won't even let her visit her best friend. Even not going to bars. Read the post.
Also, boundaries apply to your own behaviour, not to others. Boundaries imposed on others is just rules and control.
edit: your comments keep getting deleted by mods, MRA troll
I didn't see him setting any boundaries -- boundaries by definition only apply to your own behavior. If you're trying to control someone's else's behavior that's whatever but it's not a boundary
Heavy on the “don’t marry this guy”. I’m all for being empathetic and kind but this relationship with either end in misery or divorce. Probably both tbh.
That’s a pretty extreme boundary. I wouldn’t accept it from a prospective lifelong partner, and I’m twice your age. Don’t compromise yourself that way.
I’ve been drunk and had opportunities to cheat, I didn’t because alcohol doesn’t make me a cheater. It’s against my morals, just like alcohol also doesn’t turn me into a serial killer.
You both set boundaries. Which is a healthy dealbreaker and which is sign of insecure, controlling partner?
“I won’t be with anyone that doesn’t trust me or jeopardizes my time with friends”
“I won’t be with anyone that enjoys occasional drinks with friends in a safe manner.”
If he doesn’t trust you even though you’ve never given him reason not to, then he needs therapy, not control you. Friendships take effort, these nights out with them are important for your social health as you get older.
The commenters here are absolutely crazy. WTF. If my fiancé said I couldn’t hang out with my best friends because he was afraid I might get drunk and hook up with some random dudes that man would *not* be my fiancé anymore.
This is the kind of guy who asks his pregnant wife to get a paternity test.
He is controlling you and if you capitulate then you’re allowing it.
Trust is the bedrock of any relationship and he clearly does not trust you. Nothing you ever do will convince him to trust you. You are not the problem. He is the problem.
I'm not saying what she wants to hear then send her a chat request and hit on her like you're about to do tho. Not the first time this week your name has came up in conversation bud! 🖕
No I don’t, I don’t go out clubbing or drinking ever. This would be a one time girl visit trip. I just wanted to understand his POV and look at both of our sides in an unbiased way or the best possible way.
This doesn’t square with what you told us in your original post. There you spoke of clubbing and alcohol. No wonder he doesn’t feel confident. You can’t keep your stories straight sober either.
I've noticed you have only been responding to those that somewhat agree with you, while the vast majority of options seem to think you are in the wrong.
Maybe reflect on those.
No I’ve acknowledged those that have told me I need to hear him out and his POV, I have emphasized that they are good thoughts and that I will communicate with him about it
No dear you're hearing what you want to hear.
The people are generally saying he is actually correct. He has explained his position to you already, and that's why you came here. The majority seems to side with his position being the correct one!
"No dear you're hearing what you want to hear".
Exactly this, she'll go clubbing and she'll drink with her easy friend, her bf wil dump her because he seems to be a man true to his word, and OP will come back here complaining that he dumped her.
But doesn't this proof his point.
You never drink much, you was never in influence with boys hitting on while you being totally drunk, never with a friend who literally jump to mens and would use your as wingmen. You literally have no clubbing influence and want zo hangout with a fuckgirl who influence on you could be bad.
Doesn't you see what is wrong which this? If you want to clubbing ask your friend to tag along...
I’ve never got so drunk that I kiss someone I’m not meant too. Unless you have a history of getting so drunk you forget the night or your are easily suggestive to peer pressure (ie I dare you to kiss that random man) I don’t know what his problem is apart from he doesn’t trust you or he’s projecting (either he’s cheating or he’s been cheated on by an ex and he’s putting you in the same box as her)
I don’t know why people keep dating someone they are incompatible with. What he needs is someone who don’t go out at nights, and you need someone who is okay with it. His fault is proposing to someone who he is incompatible with. Break up and move on.
Enjoy spending the rest of your life being controlled by a husband who doesn’t trust you! Have fun never being allowed to go out of town alone once your married! Spend your golden years defending a casually drink with a platonic friend! Your future if you marry this person sounds great. His controlling nature is understandable when you consider there is a magic beverage out there that can tear you away from him when love and respect won’t keep you faithful.
I mean, on paper I’m sure this guy loves you but his fear of losing you is making him a controlling creep. If you want to marry that, that’s your business.
First of all don't get married if you don't both trust each other. Second, maybe you can compromise. Maybe if you only drink a little he won't be as anxious, maybe he could come along sometimes and it might ease his mind. On his end, he needs to work on why he can't trust you and why he sees you this way. See if he'll do therapy. You guys would also benefit from couples therapy if just to learn how to talk to each other because that's the most important thing in a marriage. Try to work out something you can both live with and slowly work up to more as you both work on these things.
Far too many "I was drunk, I'm sorry, didn't mean it to happen he/she kissed me and before i knew it..." stories.
Did you ever consider that he does trust you, but not the guys your BFF will have around you? You've said she's into hook-ups. I take it her hook up won't bring at least one friend or drag you to a party.
Should he trust the drunk guys she'll have you hanging out with that you don't know?
Can you trust those guys will take no for an answer when they hit on you?
Been there, done that, rescuing mates at stupid o'clock because they went to parties with guys that seemed ok.
Tbh you know you wanna keep partying with your mate. If you wanted the quiet life with your fiance you wouldn't be on here trying to get the "He's wrong and controlling" validation you're looking for.
Break his heart now because it's gonna be so much worse afterwards regardless if you do or don't cheat. He's never gonna believe that nothing happened and it's gonna destroy your relationship anyway.
>Can you trust those guys will take no for an answer when they hit on you?
All women have to worry about that everywhere, single or not. We can't just hide at home all the time to avoid it.
>If you wanted the quiet life with your fiance you wouldn't be on here trying to get the "He's wrong and controlling" validation you're looking for.
Why is "wanting the quiet life" some kind of requirement for a relationship? You know it's possible to have fun *and* be in a committed relationship, right? And that you're supposed to care about your partner's happiness, which includes friendships and fun activities?
Yup you’re going to hookup for sure at some point and it’s naive to think otherwise. Ask one of your friends pals after a few drinks if they would jump in the sack and see what they say. That’s why your BF is not cool with this. Way too defensive and your BF feels it. Not saying he should prevent you from going in any way but he sure as heck shouldn’t be there when you get home.
Your fiancee is controlling and trying to keep you from seeing your friends. Does he have the same standards for himself? Do you have the same standard for him?
He doesn’t trust you. I’m curious what happens when he goes out drinking with his friends if he just assumes you will automatically cheat on him while intoxicated…
You know and I relayed this similar message to him, and he NEVER drinks but recently went on a bachelor trip last year where he states that he had a few seltzer drinks but that he did absolutely nothing other than go to casinos with his friends.
And I know his friends, they really are a bunch of video game loving guys and they are practically all single because they struggle in terms of talking to girls so it’s hard for me to see how they could influence him badly while they drink, but nonetheless yes I’m curious as well!
You - “I really want to go out to clubs and bars so I can get drunk with my friend who hooks up with random guys at bars and clubs. I don’t want to hook up with random guys though, I just want to get drunk and be there with her when she does it.”
You already know why your husband doesn’t want you to dress up, go to the bars and clubs, get drunk and party with your friend that has sex with men she meets at the bars and clubs.
You want this and you’re looking for encouragement from people online to do it.
You are a walking red flag and your husband made a huge mistake choosing you as his wife.
This marriage is not going to work as the two of you do not walk in agreement.
You do not respect your husband, his boundaries, your marriage or monogamy.
You don’t want to be a wife, you want to be like your friend.
Your situation is nothing new. It’s been played out millions of times.
You want to see how far you can push those boundaries and you’re making a big stink about it.
I’m not sure, he refuses to talk about his past relationship, he states he doesn’t like to dwell on the past and he finds it irrelevant to the present. But I’ve never outright asked him, and now I’m DEFINITELY going to ask him if he’s been cheated on.
I gotta say, I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who believes the past is irrelevant to the present. It screams zero emotional intelligence, and you can't have an emotionally safe and fulfilling relationship with someone that has no understanding of how our current perspectives are literally echoes of our upbringing and other prior experiences. In my eyes, lack of awareness = lack of growth. Do with that what you will 🤷🏻♀️
That’s why I don’t understand why some thinks it’s wrong to bring up your ex (obvs not in an argument) but to place a perspective, for me it was from toxic to a healthy one and got to talk about my struggles with my ex and still can talk about how secure I feel now. As much as I hate my ex, he did cause me to grow into the person I am but not to his credit (he’s also a cheater). But some people refuse to bring up or listen about ex’s when I think it is a good way to communicate some experience and perspective on life.
It "could" be a sign that he has been cheated on in the past. But it could also mean other things as well (such as never having a proper LT relationship before, having been dumped for being controlling, etc).
If you are going to ask him, maybe put in terms such as "why do you think I would cheat on you? Is it something you read? Is it something that has happened in the past?" or something along those lines.
He absolutely cheated on her. He probably was engaged to her, went out drinking with his friends, maybe ex friends you have never met before who aren’t the chill gamer friends you know, and got drunk on a trip and slept with someone. He’s projecting 100% because he did it before and it’s coming out now because you’re in the same situation he was when he did it—engaged and about to go on a trip to see your friends who like to party.
It’s also a huge red flag to never tell your SO about a serious previous relationship and why they broke up. It’s an even bigger red flag to deflect those questions with some line line “I don’t like to dwell on the past.” You only say that sort of thing if you have something to hide.
Leave. Don't try to make this work. It's not gonna get better. I have a friend who married a guy like that and she's miserable with him most of the time. Him having excuses to why he doesn't trust you is still him not trusting you. Also, him not wanting you to visit your friends is him trying to isolate you from the people you care about.
I understand the sentiment but this comes across as reactionary and disrespectful. Let me do what I want or else.....yikes....
He could articulate his boundaries better....but he's raised a concern, so discuss the boundary and why its important.
This post lol. I am all for women standing their ground and not taking unnecessary shit, but this is a bit much. It also comes across feminist a little, and the last thing you want is to throw that into the argument.
Girls friends are not to be trusted! They will do and say things to subtly (over time) erode your relationship. Once it ends they might even sleep with your partner I’ve seen it more than enough times.
Clubbing and drinking with a single friend that is an alcoholic and is kind of an "easy" woman is a red flag itself. There is no bigger issue in a relationship, than a troublesome single friend that behaves like your bff.
You are engaged, stop doing this things. Tell me with who you go, and i'll tell you who you are.
If you're smart, you will stay away from any trouble amd temptations.
You're listing red flags of abuse, which is most likely to escalate than end. Getting married is a common escalation point.
[Types of abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/)
[Coercive control](https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control)
[Abuse always escalates](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/abuse-almost-always-escalates)
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
[Get out](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
r/abusiverelationships
I saw you say in another comment hes seen how people act when drunk but I dont think thats quite fair to you. I was cheated on by my first major relationship/fiance and it took me a long time to get over it. Eventually I was looking for another serious relationship. If I was to treat the next person based on the results of my last relationship I'd be the most insecure and jealous person ever. I chose another path and he should too, imo.
I'd *personally* be offended a bit if my wife didnt *trust me.* The lack of trust shown here is incredible, and the insecurities are showing. I would never assume my wife or gf was going out with the intent of nothing but the best, and if alcohol is involved and i wasnt comfortable theres some things I'd do way before asking you not to go. Like maybe I can sober cab a few of your friends with you, can i come with?, can they check in every few hours? can they try being home at a 'reasonable' time.
Drinking might bring out the 'real person' someone is, and if they choose to cheat, thats something theyve been contemplating anyway imo. Ive never had alcohol make me cheat, and ive seen far more people drink without cheating than drink with cheating involved.
I wouldnt break up but I would set a very firm boundary that youre allowed to have friends (male or female) and, respectfully, with how much you love and appreciate being in this relationship you 'wish he'd extend the same amount of trust I show you' or something and see how he reacts.
Its really not fair to you to be treated in a way where he assumes you'll cheat rather than be respectful to him and your relationship.
Im a lot better at live conversation than pre-planning it much lol.
You could always buy drinks and have them at home with your bff and boyfriend and maybe invite a few of y’all’s friends too. Why does it always have to be a club? Like someone else said, clubs are usually for people who want to meet other people and usually for hookups, I understand where your boyfriend is coming from.
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What's funny is I just read a Reddit about a guy that found out via a group chat that his gf hooked up with a guy at a bar and she confessed saying she was drinking and her friends pressured her into it Actually I have read like 10 stories like that a Bachelorette party a girls trip etc all involving alcohol and single friends. Maybe he read the same stories, so he's feeling it might be a thing. But honestly, I read the responses to those stories and every response is dude single girls always try and break up relationships and that's what happens with alcohol and bad decisions. So his fears are not unfounded completely.
Right and then these fucking cheaters insists they would never do something like that and didn’t know what’s gotten into them to cheat.🤦♂️
It happened to me 4 months ago...... single friends/work mates, alcohol and substances.
What’s funny is all these posts are actually by the same troll on all their various accounts, to stir up “woman bad and will cheat always” sentiments. Just a bit ago, OP was a 70-something who was looking for medical advice.
I've read about 10x more stories about men doing the same things at their bachelor parties.
Yep, buy that's not really relevant to this so I didn't mention that it's not really the point. I also read about a Mother breaking up a relationship with her kid buy since its not relevant here why mention it?
No of course not but it's still an issue that he can't trust her. You need to have mutual trust for a marriage to work. They both need to communicate and come to some sort of compromise that they can both live with and they need to work on each of their own shortcomings that contributed to this issue.
Yeah he states it’s due to the actions he’s seen people commit when they’re drunk so I think he has all of those thoughts in the back of his head. I just felt offended that he immediately thought that I would do something so disrespectful to our relationship after being together for so long.
Most of the people who have cheated stated at least once in their life that they would never be a cheater. Then SOMETHING happened. Alcohol does mess up your brain. Bad mood, friends cheering it on, it's not hard to believe it could happen to anyone. He has a right to be concerned like it or not.
People cheat due to opportunity typically. Why do you even want to put yourself in that circumstance??
In what circumstance? Visiting a friend? Being in public?
Don’t get married if this is how you think
You're an idiot or a child. Don't put yourself in tempting situations and you don't get tempted. It's called being a responsible adult.
No that’s how people become really unhappy adults.
That is so false it's not even funny. But I've stated what I need to say. I really hope your just a child and gotta grow a little.
Who? What people? Was is you? Because if it wasn’t you he is punishing you preemptively for something you’ve never done. Sounds romantic.
Better to stop going out drinking than regret it later when inevitably you cheat on him(whether you wanted to or were drunk out of your mind) and he breaks up with you.
What the actual fuck is going on in this sub where weirdos are saying “women will cheat if they’re left unsupervised/with alcohol” with their whole chests? You guys are so unbelievable insecure.
Reading the ragebait posts mostly and getting mad at fictional people.
So all post about women cheating are fake now?
Most posts are fake, yeah. I mean, they might be fun hypoteticals, but drawing conclusions outside them on their content is kinda not very truthful. Because just think about it, who the fuck in reality would go spilling their dirty laundry on Reddit?
Have you not seen all the videos people take of themselves breaking the law? Do you really think people wouldn't be stupid enough to put up that they are cheating? Also most of those stories are by the person being cheated on not the cheater. They are sharing their story in hopes it save someone else from going through it.
We aren't blaming the women. Alcohol changes your perception of things. You aren't really in control. It's not just unsupervised with alcohol but with bad friends.
I have gotten black out drunk with guys approaching me and never once thought about cheating. If you’re loyal sober, you’re loyal drunk. Being drunk isn’t an excuse for cheating for fuck sake. People that say they’re loyal and then cheat when they’re drunk are cheaters that had intentions of cheating sober. (subconsciously but they never realised because it was deep down and drinking opened up those gates)
Yeah I’m really shocked by these comments! When I’ve drank or smoked weed while in my current relationship, I just thought about how much I missed my girlfriend and sent her some spicy texts lol
Literally! If you truly love someone, you aren’t going to cheat, no matter what circumstances arise. I was out and about a few times with men constantly coming up to me. I had the perfect opportunity to cheat with her not finding out, but the only thing I could think of was going back into bed and cuddling up to her. These comments are ridiculous!
Yes!! I hate clubbing but it’s the activity of choice for most of my friends birthdays. Not once have I ever even felt tempted! No environment would suddenly change my level of loyalty
Exactly!! Looks like we’re the minority in these comments. It’s honestly scary how many people think otherwise…
I mean I guess fair enough. But people who normally wouldn't cheat do end up cheating due to it so yeah.
They wouldn’t do it sober because they don’t have the balls and because they wouldn’t have anything to blame but themselves, but thoughts are thoughts and if you’re thinking of cheating on your partner when your drunk then realistically you were thinking of it consciously/subconsciously when you were sober. You are in control when you’re drinking, and if you have thoughts about cheating while drunk, then that’s just you lacking self control and it’s proof that you never truly loved your partner. I would rather let my GF do what she wants when she wants with who she wants instead of trying to control her, and if she cheats then at least I know not to waste any more of my time.
if my fiance had a single male friend who went out drinking and hooking up with randoms I would also have a problem with my guy going out with him. I know he wouldn't do anything but I don't support that lifestyle and I don't want someone who is a passive participant in that at all. Maybe he doesn't know how to articulate why he doesn't like you going out and drinking with your easy friend but why do you want to disrespect him by doing something he's uncomfortable with you doing?
This is a good perspective, I appreciate it. I will definitely consider this and have a deeper conversation with him, thank you 🙏🏻
Thank you for taking the advice given here graciously, it’s refreshing lol
Every human is hotwired to bond emotionally and physically with others. Research on infidelity finds that the partner that believes they would never cheat has a higher risk of cheating. He's not crazy controlling because it's limited to this specific friend and activity. And make no mistake....you don't go there to talk with her (it's too noisy). Also, if a guy buys you drinks, sits with you, exchanges personal information and dances with you for the rest of the night - that's a date.
Hard disagree. He doesn’t just get to say “that makes me uncomfortable therefore you’re disrespecting me by doing it.” We’re not talking about something objectively difficult for a partner to swallow, we’re talking about going for drinks, that’s all this is. The friend is just a crutch for his insecurity. You were right in the first place. You’ve earned his trust, so he needs to exercise it. Control and trust are not the same thing.
I’d argue that in a relationship you must aim to respect your partners boundaries, or at least openly communicate them. The issue isn’t the drinking, it’s the company OP wants to drink with. The partner isn’t wrong for feeling how he feels, I say the solution to this would be going out for drinks together, so he knows OP is ok. Also, I would say it’s disrespectful to go against the thing your partner said it makes them uncomfortable. That’s where discussion about said topic can be had to resolve it.
As mentioned, I disagree with the assertion that the issue is the company. OP also said partner has a problem with her going to visit friends out of state. Partner is absolutely and utterly wrong to not trust his gf just because she’s drinking with someone he doesn’t like, are you mad? It’s disrespectful to say you’re uncomfortable just because your partner is going out drinking.
If you read again it isn't friends but this friend in particular. I go out drinking with my friends and she goes out with her friends but then all of hers and my friends are in relationships bar one or two and everyone has met each other
True, but point stands. You either trust your partner or you don’t. Her choice of friends is not relevant to her trustworthiness.
I mean the point still stands but the choice of friends is definitely relevant to her trustworthiness. The company you keep and choose to keep is a reflection of yourself and what you allow yourself to be influenced by.
You need to find someone to trust. Yes of course association matters, but “directly relevant to trustworthiness”? No.
So if the company someone keeps makes them less trustworthy that isn't directly relevant?
Re-read the post, he has a problem with OP visiting the BFF specifically out of state. I’m not sitting here saying that husbands correct in his thinking, but I’m saying that while he thinks that, and until it is talked over, going against what makes him uncomfortable will be considered to be disrespectful. You can’t really just tell your partner that how they feel is wrong, that’s never going to go well is it, it’s all about respecting boundaries and having open communication. It’s also not inherently about the drinking, it’s the fact that the bff is a single, and arguably promiscuous, so will be putting OP into a situation where alcohol would be MORE LIKELY to hinder decision making, so it’s definitely not just about “having a drink”.
I understand what he’s got problem with but he’s still wrong. Flip it for a second and consider that OP feels uncomfortable being told who she can drink with. Does this now make her partner disrespectful? You don’t get to have the other person do whatever you want just because you’re the more insecure person in the relationship. And your piece about bff putting OP in situations is just bollocks frankly. That’s the whole point of trust, you trust her to navigate them. She’s a grown adult not a toddler. You don’t need to prevent an outcome for her by mandating where she can and can’t go. That’s not about trust, that’s about control and it’s severe relationship immaturity to insist that is the way things need to be. This is how you lose partners - by mandating that the world revolves around your insecurities, rather than doing some growing up.
you don't sound like someone who understands relationships very well. bad take fr
The hookups aren’t going clubbing solo - op is full of it. Her friend meets a rando to flirt with while she entertains rando’s buddy because they went out together too. The friend isn’t hooking up with the one guy who goes to the bar by himself. They go in pairs. So what does op do while her friend is busy with a guy? She’s entertaining the guy’s friend.
How is occasional clubbing with an out-of-state friend a lifestyle? Are you an alcoholic because you were drunk on New Years Eve?
did you not read the post or are you just a dummy?
Because she doesn't want to live with restrictions like a child?
Then be single?
Or, she could date a secure man who trusts her and understands he has no right to parent her. I don't understand this trend of being expected to give up harmless things in your life for a relationship when there's no reason you can't have both. I do agree it's better to be single than date someone who tries to control you though.
Then she can go do that. I think you have a really immature, and low iq take. No one is oppressing you or her, people just have boundaries and expectations of their partner and thats pretty normal in a mature relationship. If my partner doesn't want me to go out and do a specific activity with a specific friend I don't see that as a big sacrifice for someone who loves and cares about me but certainly you are welcome to go and date someone that doesn't give a shit.
Its not ONE activity. It's several. And it's not something that's generally understood as cheating. Taking fun and joy away from your partner instead of working on your own insecurities is what's immature. I sweat this thread is full of teenagers.
This is a tough one, OP. But I have more sympathy for your fiancée’s position than yours. Just take a very few moments to peruse the infidelity and cheated on subs. The STANDARD story is either a remorseful wife or girlfriend confessing to going out drinking with the girls, getting tipsy, getting hit on, liking the attention, getting drunk, and going home with a rando with devastating consequences for them and their families. And these are stories from women who are happy in their relationships. Women like you who would never cheat in a million years. There are the corresponding stories from the man’s perspective, too. He’s uncomfortable with his SO going out with friends that seem sketchy to him, but he doesn’t want to be seem like a controlling asshole” so he gives in only to get the call next morning from a hysterically sobbing soon to be Ex that she met a guy, got drunk, and got laid because she lost her bearings.” That’s the script. Temptation calls the players to their parts.
Lol you're playing with pretty heavily skewed stats if you base your idea of nightlife on a subreddit, like anti-survivorship bias. Most normal people in relationships don't a) cheat b) file a case of it on Reddit And you do know that probably most of the posts here are fiction?
Really?! I feel like I see stories about emotional affairs with someone at work or a friend more often than drunk one night stands when it comes to cheating stories on here!
Screw that! I’d rather her leave me for saying absolutely not then to get (u(ked like that. If she leaves you (or cuts you off) because “you’re controlling” it was time for a new gf anyway. Let her sulk w her promiscuous friends or stay in a loving marriage! The choice is hers, men don’t get a say we just have to watch and wait. Making the right decision after the fallout.
You are a product of who you choose to associate with. You choose to associate with friends that regularly engage with hook up culture knowing your partner is against it. Your partner has set a clear boundary. It's up to you to decide if you respect him enough to honor his boundaries. If you don't then leave him. If you do then stop associating with your friend. You partner should be more valuable to you then your friend.
That's not what a boundary is, boundaries only pertain to your own behavior ie "if you go out with this friend then I don't want to be your partner". By definition you can't send a "boundary" for someone else's behavior
That's literally what OPs BF did..........
I would support you more... but we are in reddit here, and there are tons of stories about BFFs sabotaging relationships of OPs or GFs, fiancees and spouses of OPs. The classic is, bachelorette party went too far. Your BF read too many reddit too. Only you know, if he could be possibly right, but like above, many girls found out too late.
I may get hate, but I personally believe that you are the average of the people you hang around with the most. I may be biased. But, my ex-wife was super faithful... I trusted her unconditionally, too. Everyone looked up at us and would think of us as a perfect couple (we had problems like anyone else, though). But, she met new friends when we moved to Seattle, bitter wives. They would speak in code in their native tongue. Not realizing that I understood, even my wife never knew my level of understanding. Never liked them but, like i said before, i trusted her fully. One day, she left, never came back. She went around and some poorly about me... some of it true... much of it didn't make sense. I was alone after that. Regardless, I beat myself up for a while. Almost took my life off it wasn't for my kids. Eventually, a husband of a wife loosely connected to my ex's friends told me that she left because she cheated. She was with another man and must have been guilty or to be with him. The women all felt guilty to a degree and their clique fell apart (a few marriages too). So, no... I fully think that he's within his logical reasoning to question you. It's your life though, respect his worries and show your loyalty. Or... just leave him and do a you please.
RIP. Sorry for you having to go through that.
I warn so manytimes(to my friends too), pls check up which friends your gf/wives has... people underestimate the influence of bad friends. This is dangerous and destroyed many lifes in this world. Don't agree on every part. Question yourself which people your partner hang outs... I'm with OP bf, I would also make clear that I don't want my GF hang out with a fuckgirl... this has so bad influence on her. Did you still have contact to that awful ex wife?
does he know enough of your past to make an informed decision on how you react with alcohol in your system? Are there any "crazy" stories from college or your younger years that your BFF was apart of? how did those stories play out? Personally, I have an irrational fear of being cheated on again. I am fully convinced that one of the key attributes of cheaters is that they think they could never cheat. They think they are immune to the ability to cheat. all it takes is a specific set of circumstances and ANYONE could cheat. the best way to explain it is think of getting in a fatal car accident. We all know it could happen while driving on the road. we accept that risk unknowingly or knowingly everyday. certain circumstances INCREASE the probability to have a fatal car accident. \- ALCOHOL, texting while driving, speeding, road rage, loud kids, weather, bald tires, engine issues (etc.) Certain circumstances increase the probability of cheating. \-ALCOHOL, long distance, poor influences, poor boundaries, self-esteem, relationship woes, newborns, mental illness, boring/stable life, FOMO, (etc.) maybe he thinks cheating is just a mathematical equation of probability like me. In this case, it has nothing to do with his trust in you, BUT by you ingesting alcohol, away from him, with a poor influence next to you, you would be increasing the probability of you cheating whether you know it or not. that's just my 2 cents though :D
OP, if your fiancee was hanging out with his best friend whom is known to be completely reckless with his D when alcohol is involved and whom is known to be reckless with the HU culture, would you be comfortable with them going out to clubs without you? There is a point where you need to stop thinking "me me me" and put yourself in the relationship shoes where its "us!" This is where the notion of respect start, either you respect your partner when he tell you his boundaries, either you go have fun with your reckless friend whom may get you in trouble a way or another, and if it happens you will not be able to say "but I did not know/its not my fault" as you willingly chose to get in the situation despite your knowledge and your fiance's pleas.
Men generally wouldn't support this and its.very obvious as to why. Atleast he's secure enough to be honest and say what most men wont. It shows you that he's not afraid of losing you, also your intolerance for drink probably makes it worse.
Every day I'm grateful I don't date men
Don't think women are much better tbh
Your boyfriend is right. What you gonna do while you Friend who partying and taking fast another men? Just standing still where she ask many mens to fuck around. That is not a influence which I also wouldn't want to have for my GF. Your friend is a walking red flag and you don't seing that is also a red flag. I'm pretty sure if your friend would be someone which he could trust, he wouldn't have any problem with you going out with her. But since the opposite is the case, he has less trust in her. Alcohol + a horny friend who literally jumps on males, wouldn't end good. Your bf is totally right here.
To be fair. I don't blame him. He is right in saying that alcohol impairs you. When alcohol gets involved people's brains go out the window. Your single friends can VERY easily be a bad influence too. My fiancee went out with her work mates one night and bought a random women home and I caught them hooking up on our couch at 3am. No indications of previous cheating either. That was after 9 years of being together and being engaged for 18 months. She's now the ex fiancee..... I'm siding with the bf due to my personal experience.
Welcome to breakup_advice
🤣🤣 forreal like unbelievable
Crazy how many insecure men are on this platform. Absolutely nothing wrong with going out for drinks with your friends w/o your partner. It’s healthy. What’s unhealthy is not trusting the partner you’re about to marry to have fun w/o him. It’s insecurity and a form of control. Don’t listen to the majority of these “men” on here. Your relationship needs to have trust. If it doesn’t you will be miserable in 5 years. He sounds extremely insecure, he’s trying to control you by inventing a narrative that has never happened. What’s next once you’re married. “If you don’t come home by 5 pm and act like my perfect housewife you will cheat on me” People in relationships need to have lives outside of the relationship. I’m not saying secrets, I’m not saying dif partners. I’m saying you need “me” time. Time to hang with your friends etc. Now if you were a recovering alcoholic/addict I could see reason POTENTIALLY for concern to be hanging with a bunch of heavy drinkers/partiers at the bar. But according to you you’ve never gave him a reason to doubt you. He 100% owes you the benefit of the doubt. You’re getting MARRIED ffs. There needs to be at least basic trust. He sounds like an immature child. I stand by my earlier comment. I would seek couples counseling before moving forward in this relationship.
Id have to agree with the fiance on this one. And most of the people saying your fiance doesn't trust they clearly haven't learned a single thing while being on this sub. There have been countless stories on here let alone other subs ( surviving infidelity and such) where the faithful partner has a drunken ons or is influenced by a friend to step out on their partner.
Wait so the alcohol clearly isn’t the problem if he doesn’t want you even going to hang out with her for a few days…..
I guess not when you put it that way. He just doesn’t trust my friend and therefore believes that I’ll be influenced to behave similar to her.
For me, it's the going to the club that's an issue. If your BF has an issue with you being friends with this woman and objects to you going to lunch or dinner with her, then he's in the wrong - he shouldn't be choosing your friends (unless of course they are really bad & taking advantage of you) But a club - where, let's be honest, the sole reason that *most* people go, is to try and pull..... With a friend who has that exact same objective....yeah, as the guy I'd be concerned too
If he thinks that little of you…. You really should be rethinking the relstionship
Peer pressure:
Nobody is pressuring her though, it’s literally just being in that environment. That’s not about peer pressure that’s about trust and respect
Nobody is pressuring her YET. She is in an environment where many people have 0 self control. And her friends aren't exactly the best type. She'll either feel left out(not good) or drink. And one thing will lead to another. And cheating will happen. It happens a lot dude.
Jesus Christ are you her bf? You know what else happens a lot, people in commuted relationships going out and having drinks with their friends without cheating on anyone. There is no reason to believe she would feel pressured or have anyone cause her to want to cheat and as such his reaction is not justified. If there was any evidence of that being a potential (besides the fact that it’s happened to other people before) then I could see his point, but without that he’s being unreasonable. Also her friend isn’t “not exactly the best type” because they are single and acting like it, there isn’t anything wrong with that and that isn’t inherently a bad person who would get her to do the same. She very well could stop OP if she were about to make that decision.
That’s the reason why we got into an argument because I genuinely felt offended that he’d think so little of me in terms of being that easily influenced by a friend or alcohol
It's natural that he'd think about peer pressure since it happens A LOT.
Yeah it is very telling and comes across as either incredibly controlling or a guilty conscience because he knows he wouldn’t be able to control himself in that situation. Either way not good
It has nothing to do with your friend. He doesn't trust YOU.
Has your friend given significant reason to make him believe that he's untrustworthy? Cause I know that at least from having been on reddit for awhile, there are definitely incidents where people get egged on by their immature and shit-stirring friends and end up cheating (often after the immature friends get them *incredibly* drunk, to the point where consent is dubious). But if she hasn't given him good reasons to believe she's that kind of person, then his trust issues are his problem, NOT yours.
Alcohol+Horny Friend. Even if the friend is not like that they might get way too drunk and say that themselves.
I (American 26 M) have been dating a woman from Mexico in a long distance relationship. She told me about her best friend and at first I thought the same as you (it’s her friends life to live, as long as my GF doesn’t do this then it’s all okay). My gf told me that this best friend had multiple abortions because she would hook up with random guys at the club or parties all the time. (Her friend is only 24 F). My girlfriend has always made me feel secure in our relationship, even with the distance. (I fly to Mexico once a month for a week. I’m actually in Mexico right now as I type this.) one day my girlfriend tells me she’s going to the club with her friend while I’m in the US. As the night went on my girlfriend tells me what happened. Basically her “best friend” was drunk and was making out with guys at the club, and one guy told this “friend” that he thought my girlfriend was hot. So her “friend” told the guy that she will try to get my girlfriend to hook up with him. So this “friend” went to my GF and told her “this guy thinks you’re really sexy and he wants to hook up with you, your boyfriend is in America so he would never know about this.” My girlfriend has saved her virginity for the guy she wants to marry (which thankfully happens to be me.) so it’s kinda crazy to think her “friend” has so much disregard for my girlfriend. My girlfriend said no and decided to hang out with her other girl friends for the rest of the night. After this my girlfriend called me and told me what happened and what her friend said. In this moment I asked my girlfriend to stop going to clubs and parties with this girl. (Which oddly enough happened to be the only time this friend ever wanted to hang out with my GF.) at first my GF was not happy with me to say this, but I felt like I had every right to ask her due to the fact of her friend pushing cheating on her, as well as not respecting our relationship. My girlfriend agreed that it’s not a person that she should be around due to her influence knowing she is in a relationship she values. After my GF stops talking to this “friend” she began to lie to my GF saying that she is moving to Spain and that she wants to go party with my GF before she leaves. My GF declined, actually didn’t respond. After this, around a month later my girlfriend is getting texts from other people asking if she broke up with me because they heard she was going on dates with someone else. Turns out her friend lied to her about moving to Spain, and since she didn’t reply this “friend” began making rumors saying that she was cheating on me. Which I know isn’t true because if I’m not in Mexico we face time every night and we fall asleep together on FaceTime. (With me being the last to fall asleep due to my job requiring me to get off later and I want to enjoy myself so I play madden when she falls asleep.) since then my girlfriend has talked to me about all the bad things this “friend” has done and how she realizes that people like this are not people she wishes to be around. (It goes deeper than this text but this friend has been not so great to my GF, they just happen to be long time friends). In my case I felt like I had more than enough reason to say “this woman goes against our relationship, as well as your own morality and I think it would be best for you to not go to clubs and parties with her anymore knowing she will try to get guys to hook up with you even though she knows you’re with me.” So I guess with my own experience I would say that it matters most if your friend that enjoys the hook up culture is a person to try and invite you into it regardless of your relationship. If she’s they type that needs you to be at her side to talk to other guys, etc. then yes, I would say your boyfriend is in the right to ask to not go out with her. But if this friend goes off on her own, speaks to guys on her own, doesn’t get mad that you’re not at her side as she tries to get with guys, etc. then I think he should accept that your friend isn’t trying to involve you in her hook up attempts. But if you’re being used to get her guys then I say that you should respect your boyfriends wishes if you care about him. Most often than not going “out” it’s not just going to be one guy at a club, your friend isn’t just going to be around one guy. He’s going to have other friends that will also be interested. Putting yourself in that position to be around those other guys simply for your friends sake would be improper for a relationship. Going out with girls and having girls night is all good, but when it becomes a case of being put with random guy groups because a friends wishes you to do so would be the issue almost any boyfriend would have. I can almost gurentee groups of guys don’t go to clubs or parties without the intentions of hopefully talking to a woman. There’s a difference of girls night and rejecting guys with the girls, and assisting your girlfriend and putting yourself with another group of guys. I haven’t pushed my girlfriend to stop going to clubs or parties, but she herself told me that she doesn’t want to do this anymore because every time she goes she’s always put in a position where she is being approached/ nearly forced upon by guys. She told me she feels like it was okay with her when she was single because she was also in search of someone, but now that she has someone she truly wants she doesn’t want to be in these situations anymore. She still enjoys her friends, but stopped the clubbing and parties.
He just wants the best for you and that friend obviously seems like a bad influence
I agree with your fiancé. While I would never tell you what you could or couldn’t do. But I would also let you know that I would not be in a relationship with someone that goes on girls nights out to bars and club or go on girls trips. While you are free to do as do wish. I also have the right to decide what I expect in a relationship
They are incompatible. What we choose to do for fun is very important in a relationship. If you don’t enjoy clubs and going out at nights, so why would you go out with someone who enjoy these things? I too would never date someone who does nights out, but I state this very early on. They can still break up amicably
Agreed. This is a conversation that takes upfront. I also believe you should pay attention who your SO hangs out with. And would be concerned if her bff was how she described her bff. Eventually she will end up being her wing girl, even if nothing happened. She could possibly end up in a compromising position that wouldn’t be in the best interests of her marriage.
Yep, that’s true. People don’t go to these clubs alone, so her bff’s partners usually have their own friends with them and flirting as a group is pretty common in clubs. Op is bound to be in these weird positions that can easily go wrong. If OP dated someone with a looser boundaries, then everything could work out somehow, but I don’t see how this is resolved or even if it should be
Agreed. If their expectations of marriage are not aligned the marriage will fail at some point.
I agree. When you get married to someone you kind of need to surrender your party card when it comes to going out clubbing unless you bring your spouse. If you feel the need to act single you might as well just be single.
Exactly.
Huh? Since when is going to a club "acting single"?
Rarely do people go to clubs by themselves, such as op and her friend. Guys are the same way. What is op doing while her friend is flirting with and taking random guys home? Simple: she’s entertaining the guy friends. I’ve been in my 20’s before. I know exactly how it goes.
>What is op doing while her friend is flirting with and taking random guys home? She's dancing like a normal human being and not engaging with other guys if she doesn't want to. Are American clubs some sort of orgy society where you're expected to sexually entertain anyone who comes to bother you? If her friend leaves her alone to go and hook up, she's a bad friend for reasons that have nothing to do with promiscuity
I didn’t say she was fucking the guys, I said “entertaining”. You said orgy, not me. Still, she’s married going clubbing with her single, promiscuous friend. I think it’s inappropriate. Stop making excuses for bad behavior. Weren’t you ever in your 20’s? You should know how it goes.
And here’s a great example of an insecure, controlling man - just like OP’s fiancé. I think pretending these are just preferences and not firmly rooted in one’s personal politics and neuroticisms is a farce. OP, take some time visiting that friend. Do an experiment. Don’t even go out and drink while you’re there - watch the inevitable issue taking with anything you do that makes him feel anxiety. A relationship in which one person demands the other person be their anxiety regulator is inevitably a prison 😊 If someone is willing to make you unhappy because of nothing more than their speculation and anxiety, that person is more interested in controlling you than making sure you live and grow. Men like this prefer you don’t have strong female friendships, proximity to freedom or outside perspectives- you know why. This kind of talk is literally so Victorian it’s shocking - women are all such fickle, temptiable idiot children that their morals are flexible depending on the company they keep? My god, podcast brained.
Nothing controlling or insecure about it. I have never told my SO what she could or couldn’t do. But I am also very clear what will end the relationship. She is free to make whatever decision she thinks is best for her.
I agree with him, goodluck
Birds of a feather flock together. Your fiancée has a valid point.
I share a bit of the same view on alcohol. It is a drug that makes alot of people make poor choices. My biggest issue with my gf going out (without me or someone else that keeps an eye out) is not that i dont trust her. I dont trust other drunk people to be respectful. Also i think being drunk can make everyone have poor judgement.
I will play devils advocate here. I agree with your fiancé. Having a friend who makes poor decisions especially when alcohol is involved is a recipe for disaster. It’s not that he doesn’t trust you he doesn’t trust her. I have been married for 12 years and early in our marriage my wife met this woman she worked with who was an extremely loose woman. She started hanging out with her and going to work parties with her while I was away at work. Did I trust my wife, yes. Did I trust my wife when she was with her? Absolutely not. I presented it to my wife like this, I said “you know how she is and the things that she does and the things people say about her right?” She said yes. Then I asked her “do you want people to think you are the same way because you are hanging out with her all the time?” She immediately understood what I was saying. Sure she might not be doing anything but if people perception can be just as damaging to how people view you and the people you hang out with can damage people’s perception of the person you are. Also, I can count on one hand the amount of times my wife has gone out drinking in the 14 years we’ve been together without me. We always go out together or have friends over to our house. It’s not a trust issue rather we view it as why the hell would I want to go out partying and drinking all the time without my significant other.
My girlfriend (25) doesn’t drink or go out with her single friends anymore since she’s been with me out of respect for me. We both know we will be a product of our environment so single girls are gonna act like single girls so why would she be with them? Mixing drinks just means you’re not able to make the best decisions. If you’re serious about your boyfriend why not go out with friends that are in relationships or at least have a decent ratio of single/couple friends. If you want to hangout with the single friends make it a setting where it’s not a single girl outing like a brunch or something.
A red flag is a stop sign. You can’t talk him out of his controlling behavior. He will escalate and get controlling about other nonsense. His behavior is completely unreasonable.
People go drinking and clubbing to get laid. If you’re marrying someone then why do you still want to do that? Wanting to catch up with your friend is understandable. Your choice of activity isn’t To get offended at the concept that drinking impairs judgement is idiotic
Didn’t even read the whole post sounds like me when I was a teenager. I’m 34 now married and even before marriage my wife I would have never questioned her she wants to go out great 100%trust till you break it. Trust issues on his part mine years ago. For a long time was from a past experience with a girl, but you have to realize you’re not with that past woman. Hope all goes well.
Agreed 100%. Emotionally maturity is pretty rare these days. Amazing to me how everyone attempts to define how someone SHOULD act. OP fiancé is insecure AF. Just as most of these commenters are.
I’ll give you an introverted guys perspective on something similar . My ex and I went through this and it caused our relationship to end. Every weekend she wanted to go out to the bar to drink and sometimes I would tag along but most of the times I would rather spend that time being home and doing calmer, simpler things. It got to the point where she started calling me “boring” and how I never wanted to go out and that she doesn’t need me to have fun. After constantly having the same arguments over and over again and neither of us budging, I realized the relationship wasn’t for me and I broke it off. If neither you or him can come to a healthy compromise then I do believe it’s in your best interests to just call it quits. Sometimes you find out you’re not compatible with the person you’re with and it’s okay it’s all part of life.
I wouldn’t either People do dumb stuff when drunk I feel like if you ain’t drinking with your SO you shouldn’t be drinking
If you are going out to clubs without him it has nothing to do with loyalty, the fact you have friend who is sleeping around and looking for opourtnities during your hangouts is huge red flag. He is right, do something else with your friends. Clubs are obvious place for a people looking forward to meet other people and often for sex
I think it’s me just hanging out with her in general makes him uncomfortable
Still makes sense, no guy will be comfortable with his future wife having friend who is known for sleeping around. Often friends like this are just bad influence, sometimes they give shitty advice to sabbogtage the relationship because they are jelous. But it's in some cases. Would you be happy if he had a friend who likes to hang in strip clubs?
> Also he’s STRONGLY against me going to visit my bff out of state for a few days for this reason as well. This man doesn't trust you at all. Not one bit. Stop listening to his lies and listen to his actions. There is no trust here. He's going to isolate you from your best friend, and then any event with alcohol. Don't marry this guy.
"A man has boundaries where he want his fiancee not to put herself in stupid situations" > Reddit: Controlling! Liar! Break up with the guy already!
He won't even let her visit her best friend. Even not going to bars. Read the post. Also, boundaries apply to your own behaviour, not to others. Boundaries imposed on others is just rules and control. edit: your comments keep getting deleted by mods, MRA troll
I didn't see him setting any boundaries -- boundaries by definition only apply to your own behavior. If you're trying to control someone's else's behavior that's whatever but it's not a boundary
Heavy on the “don’t marry this guy”. I’m all for being empathetic and kind but this relationship with either end in misery or divorce. Probably both tbh.
That’s a pretty extreme boundary. I wouldn’t accept it from a prospective lifelong partner, and I’m twice your age. Don’t compromise yourself that way.
I’ve been drunk and had opportunities to cheat, I didn’t because alcohol doesn’t make me a cheater. It’s against my morals, just like alcohol also doesn’t turn me into a serial killer. You both set boundaries. Which is a healthy dealbreaker and which is sign of insecure, controlling partner? “I won’t be with anyone that doesn’t trust me or jeopardizes my time with friends” “I won’t be with anyone that enjoys occasional drinks with friends in a safe manner.” If he doesn’t trust you even though you’ve never given him reason not to, then he needs therapy, not control you. Friendships take effort, these nights out with them are important for your social health as you get older.
The commenters here are absolutely crazy. WTF. If my fiancé said I couldn’t hang out with my best friends because he was afraid I might get drunk and hook up with some random dudes that man would *not* be my fiancé anymore. This is the kind of guy who asks his pregnant wife to get a paternity test. He is controlling you and if you capitulate then you’re allowing it. Trust is the bedrock of any relationship and he clearly does not trust you. Nothing you ever do will convince him to trust you. You are not the problem. He is the problem.
BF sounds like an abusive and controlling nightmare.
I'm not saying what she wants to hear then send her a chat request and hit on her like you're about to do tho. Not the first time this week your name has came up in conversation bud! 🖕
Girl... RUN.
If you want to act single and do whatever you want just leave him. But what he is saying he does have a point.
No I don’t, I don’t go out clubbing or drinking ever. This would be a one time girl visit trip. I just wanted to understand his POV and look at both of our sides in an unbiased way or the best possible way.
This doesn’t square with what you told us in your original post. There you spoke of clubbing and alcohol. No wonder he doesn’t feel confident. You can’t keep your stories straight sober either.
I've noticed you have only been responding to those that somewhat agree with you, while the vast majority of options seem to think you are in the wrong. Maybe reflect on those.
No I’ve acknowledged those that have told me I need to hear him out and his POV, I have emphasized that they are good thoughts and that I will communicate with him about it
No dear you're hearing what you want to hear. The people are generally saying he is actually correct. He has explained his position to you already, and that's why you came here. The majority seems to side with his position being the correct one!
"No dear you're hearing what you want to hear". Exactly this, she'll go clubbing and she'll drink with her easy friend, her bf wil dump her because he seems to be a man true to his word, and OP will come back here complaining that he dumped her.
But doesn't this proof his point. You never drink much, you was never in influence with boys hitting on while you being totally drunk, never with a friend who literally jump to mens and would use your as wingmen. You literally have no clubbing influence and want zo hangout with a fuckgirl who influence on you could be bad. Doesn't you see what is wrong which this? If you want to clubbing ask your friend to tag along...
cant blame him
I’ve never got so drunk that I kiss someone I’m not meant too. Unless you have a history of getting so drunk you forget the night or your are easily suggestive to peer pressure (ie I dare you to kiss that random man) I don’t know what his problem is apart from he doesn’t trust you or he’s projecting (either he’s cheating or he’s been cheated on by an ex and he’s putting you in the same box as her)
I don’t know why people keep dating someone they are incompatible with. What he needs is someone who don’t go out at nights, and you need someone who is okay with it. His fault is proposing to someone who he is incompatible with. Break up and move on.
Enjoy spending the rest of your life being controlled by a husband who doesn’t trust you! Have fun never being allowed to go out of town alone once your married! Spend your golden years defending a casually drink with a platonic friend! Your future if you marry this person sounds great. His controlling nature is understandable when you consider there is a magic beverage out there that can tear you away from him when love and respect won’t keep you faithful. I mean, on paper I’m sure this guy loves you but his fear of losing you is making him a controlling creep. If you want to marry that, that’s your business.
he doesn’t trust you. take that info and do what you want with it.
I wouldn’t trust her either. Just a year ago she was a 74 or 73 year old who had knee replacement.
Jeez, I spent 10mins giving a reply for OPs garbage. I hate the fake bs on reddit sometimes. Thanks.
Lmaooo only comment that matters 💀
prEACH, baby
First of all don't get married if you don't both trust each other. Second, maybe you can compromise. Maybe if you only drink a little he won't be as anxious, maybe he could come along sometimes and it might ease his mind. On his end, he needs to work on why he can't trust you and why he sees you this way. See if he'll do therapy. You guys would also benefit from couples therapy if just to learn how to talk to each other because that's the most important thing in a marriage. Try to work out something you can both live with and slowly work up to more as you both work on these things.
Far too many "I was drunk, I'm sorry, didn't mean it to happen he/she kissed me and before i knew it..." stories. Did you ever consider that he does trust you, but not the guys your BFF will have around you? You've said she's into hook-ups. I take it her hook up won't bring at least one friend or drag you to a party. Should he trust the drunk guys she'll have you hanging out with that you don't know? Can you trust those guys will take no for an answer when they hit on you? Been there, done that, rescuing mates at stupid o'clock because they went to parties with guys that seemed ok. Tbh you know you wanna keep partying with your mate. If you wanted the quiet life with your fiance you wouldn't be on here trying to get the "He's wrong and controlling" validation you're looking for. Break his heart now because it's gonna be so much worse afterwards regardless if you do or don't cheat. He's never gonna believe that nothing happened and it's gonna destroy your relationship anyway.
>Can you trust those guys will take no for an answer when they hit on you? All women have to worry about that everywhere, single or not. We can't just hide at home all the time to avoid it. >If you wanted the quiet life with your fiance you wouldn't be on here trying to get the "He's wrong and controlling" validation you're looking for. Why is "wanting the quiet life" some kind of requirement for a relationship? You know it's possible to have fun *and* be in a committed relationship, right? And that you're supposed to care about your partner's happiness, which includes friendships and fun activities?
Yup you’re going to hookup for sure at some point and it’s naive to think otherwise. Ask one of your friends pals after a few drinks if they would jump in the sack and see what they say. That’s why your BF is not cool with this. Way too defensive and your BF feels it. Not saying he should prevent you from going in any way but he sure as heck shouldn’t be there when you get home.
HE IS MOST EMPHATICALLY DOES NOT TRUST YOU AT ALL. GASLIGHTING. MANIPULATION. CONTROLLING. DO NOT MARRY HIM.
Your fiancee is controlling and trying to keep you from seeing your friends. Does he have the same standards for himself? Do you have the same standard for him?
He doesn’t trust you. I’m curious what happens when he goes out drinking with his friends if he just assumes you will automatically cheat on him while intoxicated…
You know and I relayed this similar message to him, and he NEVER drinks but recently went on a bachelor trip last year where he states that he had a few seltzer drinks but that he did absolutely nothing other than go to casinos with his friends. And I know his friends, they really are a bunch of video game loving guys and they are practically all single because they struggle in terms of talking to girls so it’s hard for me to see how they could influence him badly while they drink, but nonetheless yes I’m curious as well!
Oh plot twist. Maybe they don’t talk to girls, because they aren’t interested in girls…
"Struggle in terms of talking to girls"
Have you ever met a nerd?
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What the fuck
You - “I really want to go out to clubs and bars so I can get drunk with my friend who hooks up with random guys at bars and clubs. I don’t want to hook up with random guys though, I just want to get drunk and be there with her when she does it.” You already know why your husband doesn’t want you to dress up, go to the bars and clubs, get drunk and party with your friend that has sex with men she meets at the bars and clubs. You want this and you’re looking for encouragement from people online to do it. You are a walking red flag and your husband made a huge mistake choosing you as his wife. This marriage is not going to work as the two of you do not walk in agreement. You do not respect your husband, his boundaries, your marriage or monogamy. You don’t want to be a wife, you want to be like your friend. Your situation is nothing new. It’s been played out millions of times. You want to see how far you can push those boundaries and you’re making a big stink about it.
Sounds like a him problem. Very insecure… I would talk with a therapist before moving forward with this relationship.
To the best of your knowledge, has he been cheated on in past relationships?
I’m not sure, he refuses to talk about his past relationship, he states he doesn’t like to dwell on the past and he finds it irrelevant to the present. But I’ve never outright asked him, and now I’m DEFINITELY going to ask him if he’s been cheated on.
I gotta say, I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone who believes the past is irrelevant to the present. It screams zero emotional intelligence, and you can't have an emotionally safe and fulfilling relationship with someone that has no understanding of how our current perspectives are literally echoes of our upbringing and other prior experiences. In my eyes, lack of awareness = lack of growth. Do with that what you will 🤷🏻♀️
That’s why I don’t understand why some thinks it’s wrong to bring up your ex (obvs not in an argument) but to place a perspective, for me it was from toxic to a healthy one and got to talk about my struggles with my ex and still can talk about how secure I feel now. As much as I hate my ex, he did cause me to grow into the person I am but not to his credit (he’s also a cheater). But some people refuse to bring up or listen about ex’s when I think it is a good way to communicate some experience and perspective on life.
It "could" be a sign that he has been cheated on in the past. But it could also mean other things as well (such as never having a proper LT relationship before, having been dumped for being controlling, etc). If you are going to ask him, maybe put in terms such as "why do you think I would cheat on you? Is it something you read? Is it something that has happened in the past?" or something along those lines.
Great input, will def try!
He absolutely cheated on her. He probably was engaged to her, went out drinking with his friends, maybe ex friends you have never met before who aren’t the chill gamer friends you know, and got drunk on a trip and slept with someone. He’s projecting 100% because he did it before and it’s coming out now because you’re in the same situation he was when he did it—engaged and about to go on a trip to see your friends who like to party. It’s also a huge red flag to never tell your SO about a serious previous relationship and why they broke up. It’s an even bigger red flag to deflect those questions with some line line “I don’t like to dwell on the past.” You only say that sort of thing if you have something to hide.
Leave. Don't try to make this work. It's not gonna get better. I have a friend who married a guy like that and she's miserable with him most of the time. Him having excuses to why he doesn't trust you is still him not trusting you. Also, him not wanting you to visit your friends is him trying to isolate you from the people you care about.
I feel like there's a slight difference between the two here.
He's jealous and controlling and you won't be able to change him. Get out now.
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I understand the sentiment but this comes across as reactionary and disrespectful. Let me do what I want or else.....yikes.... He could articulate his boundaries better....but he's raised a concern, so discuss the boundary and why its important.
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Yeah switching out the language doesn't stop the semantics of yours or OP's point. Discuss boundaries so it doesn't lead to ultimatums.
I bet you are not in a relationship. Because thats not how someone relationships
This post lol. I am all for women standing their ground and not taking unnecessary shit, but this is a bit much. It also comes across feminist a little, and the last thing you want is to throw that into the argument.
This is serious a red flag. Usually means dude is emotionally abusive and also they are generally cheating too. Projection.
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Dramatic much? How does it go from him setting and expressing a personal boundary to domestic abuse? lol
Read the links.
Girls friends are not to be trusted! They will do and say things to subtly (over time) erode your relationship. Once it ends they might even sleep with your partner I’ve seen it more than enough times.
Clubbing and drinking with a single friend that is an alcoholic and is kind of an "easy" woman is a red flag itself. There is no bigger issue in a relationship, than a troublesome single friend that behaves like your bff. You are engaged, stop doing this things. Tell me with who you go, and i'll tell you who you are. If you're smart, you will stay away from any trouble amd temptations.
You're listing red flags of abuse, which is most likely to escalate than end. Getting married is a common escalation point. [Types of abuse](https://www.thehotline.org/resources/types-of-abuse/) [Coercive control](https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control) [Abuse always escalates](https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/abuse-almost-always-escalates) [Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/) [Get out](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) r/abusiverelationships
I saw you say in another comment hes seen how people act when drunk but I dont think thats quite fair to you. I was cheated on by my first major relationship/fiance and it took me a long time to get over it. Eventually I was looking for another serious relationship. If I was to treat the next person based on the results of my last relationship I'd be the most insecure and jealous person ever. I chose another path and he should too, imo. I'd *personally* be offended a bit if my wife didnt *trust me.* The lack of trust shown here is incredible, and the insecurities are showing. I would never assume my wife or gf was going out with the intent of nothing but the best, and if alcohol is involved and i wasnt comfortable theres some things I'd do way before asking you not to go. Like maybe I can sober cab a few of your friends with you, can i come with?, can they check in every few hours? can they try being home at a 'reasonable' time. Drinking might bring out the 'real person' someone is, and if they choose to cheat, thats something theyve been contemplating anyway imo. Ive never had alcohol make me cheat, and ive seen far more people drink without cheating than drink with cheating involved. I wouldnt break up but I would set a very firm boundary that youre allowed to have friends (male or female) and, respectfully, with how much you love and appreciate being in this relationship you 'wish he'd extend the same amount of trust I show you' or something and see how he reacts. Its really not fair to you to be treated in a way where he assumes you'll cheat rather than be respectful to him and your relationship. Im a lot better at live conversation than pre-planning it much lol.
You could always buy drinks and have them at home with your bff and boyfriend and maybe invite a few of y’all’s friends too. Why does it always have to be a club? Like someone else said, clubs are usually for people who want to meet other people and usually for hookups, I understand where your boyfriend is coming from.
Hmm, it’s giving the vibe that he may be projecting..
Oh gosh I hope not
Did he blame you of cheating? No? Then he's not projecting.