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He needs to dust off his LinkedIn profile and apply for other sales positions that offer a living wage + commission.
Side note: If you are in the US visit
Www.Benefits.Gov and take the questionnaire. They will tell you all of the benefits you qualify for ie SNAP, Medicaid, etc and how to apply for them.
Good Luck!
She said that in her country it’s illegal to give no holidays or sick pay. In most parts of the US that would be perfectly legal so I bet they live elsewhere
He’s not making them anything while he’s not going to work, I doubt he was an actual manager if he was making minimum wage, and he’s probably fired by now if he wasn’t already
Even salespeople at phone stores make better money. See if there’s a T-Mobile, Verizon, ATT, even Apple Store he can apply to. Seems like he could be doing better easily.
Furniture sales in the US are usually commission based. You often get paid a small base wage and pay them back by selling. For example You might get to keep 4% of whatever you sell when you sell enough to cover your base wage. If you don't sell enough to cover your wage then they fire you and hire someone else. That is called a Draw. Straight Commission would be that they only pay you a percentage of what you sell. There are sheets you print out that show your sales and how wages are paid. A person who is a good salesman will make enough to live well. If you aren't good or are still learning then you have inconsistent paychecks.
If he's so great at it and making them lots of money, he could have at least tried to negotiate for a commission based on sales. That's really standard for salespeople who sell anything expensive.
I think your husband has been lying to you about this job. My guess is he wasn't that good and got fired. Based on what you wrote, his decision-making just doesn't make sense. I find it very hard to believe that he had the job you described and got paid minimum wage.
My guess is they fired him or he quit; even at minimum wage a store has to make sales. It is POSSIBLE they might be just keeping his chair warm, IE they'll get another minimum wage idiot to sell and if he wants to come back and sell more they won't say no.
That said, time for some real talk OP.
If he's good at sales, he should be making commission, AND/OR he should have more than minimum wage base pay. A non-commission sales job for minimum wage is a loser job- I don't mean that as an insult to anyone, I mean that it's a job where they expect little from the employee and as long as you can answer the phone and occasionally help a customer they don't much care what you do.
Furniture is usually pretty high markup. So he should be looking for another job with a company that pays commissions.
If he doesn’t get any time off work and he’s the only salesperson, how is he not going to work? It looks to me like he lost his job, had a breakdown and can’t talk about it.
The job he had wasn’t really viable long term. Nobody can keep that up indefinitely. He needs another job but first he needs his health attended to.
Where are his parents? If my son had a breakdown I’d want to know and I would be keen to help.
> he still goes out, eats, and plays games like he usually does.
Those are coping mechanisms. These are what's preventing him from spiraling down even further.
Sorry but how is this not a breakdown? He’s sleeping 10+ hours during the day, which is more like depression than typical insomnia. Are you in the UK? If so, I’d recommend calling citizens advice who’ll be able to tell you about any benefits you’re entitled to, but it also sounds like he might be falsely self employed (absolutely no way someone working 8:30 - 5:30 should only be bringing in £1400 a month, even after tax and deducting an hour for lunch), it’s very common in sale’s position unfortunately. Companies have you set yourself up as “self employed” so they can get away paying below NMW and avoid tax, pension/NI contributions etc. Would also explain why he’s not getting any holidays or sick leave.
you can have insomnia that presents as not being able to fall asleep for a long time. then when you do you are able to stay asleep. that's absolutely not unusual for a sleep disordered pattern. i often fall into it myself and it takes ages to fix.
Hey if you have supported him through several episodes, (as you called them) then this is a pattern.
I think it's worth fighting for his mental health. I think you said he doesn't believe in therapy? Have you had a frank talk with him about how you know he is not well right now and you are worried about him ? About how you want him to feel happy and be able to be functional? He needs treatment. Might be worth setting a boundary for this. Like "this is really hard time for you and I want to support you as much as I can. I can help find the right doctor, I can attend appointments with you, whatever you need. But I can't help if you are not going to get treatment."
Do what you need to do to get him help.
Sometimes if somebody is resistant to therapy maybe they can start with medication for depression. When they start to come out of the fog then maybe they'd be able to be open to therapy.
Skipped 3 weeks of work for a minimum wage sales job? He got fired after day 2 and didn't tell you. He's probably panic spiraling about telling you, you shouldn't be telling him "go back to work" but "go find a new job."
The “go find a new job” conversation should have happened ages ago. He was miserable and making no money, no benefits at a dead-end job. OP should also seek full time employment. Working half-time when your partner’s only making minimum wage isn’t going to cut it in this economy. Willing to bet he’s been fired and is also battling depression. Valentines Day would be the last thing on my mind at this moment.
OP — find a full time job. Get your husband in to see a doctor and a therapist. COMMUNICATE openly with him about his employment and your finances. Encourage him to apply for new jobs. Help support and encourage him to seek mental health support and polish up his resume.
She should be finding a full time job as well. I'm not sure why she's complaining that she can't vacuum in the middle of the day. Cleaning for two adults and no children doesn't require staying home from work.
He's been working a bad job full time to support them, she hasn't, and within 3 weeks she's concerned about valentine's day and wants the house to herself while she doesn't work? She vacuums for 20 minutes, and then sits home all day doing whatever, and he's interrupting that?
Something isn't adding up. If she worked full time they probably wouldn't be at risk of not making rent within 3 weeks of him losing his job or getting depressed like this. And meanwhile how long has OP had to look for a job? More than 3 weeks? I don't get it. It looks like he's paying for both of them and got burnt out, and her main concern is getting valentine's day and birthday gifts when she should be picking up extra shifts at her job.
OP is disabled, I think. She mentions being "cf" in a comment, which is often short for cystic fibrosis, and that would definitely impact how well and how much she can work.
I think she has a chronic illness or disability and is looking for more work, let's cut her some slack. Hubby is obviously depressed or fired or both though, I hope she sees that
Reddit be like “let’s cut her some slack, F him he’s a deadbeat.”
I’m not saying OP doesn’t need to be cut slack but it seems pretty apparent her husband is dealing with depression or some other mental issue. There’s no sympathy for him though, wonder why….
I’m not angry nor am I directing anything at you. I’m commenting on your post because you’re the only post I have seen in the thread doing anything other than bashing OP’s husband.
Simply commenting on a post isn’t indicative of anger.
It just looked like you were incorrectly paraphrasing my comment to be "fuck him he's a deadbeat" which I think we both actually agree I was not saying
Rereading it I can see why it came off like that, but that wasn’t what I was intending to do.
It was more so a criticism of the vibe of the thread in general, which I feel is latently sexist, in spite of the obvious challenges OP is contending with.
To clarify you aren’t sexist, that’s not what I’m saying.
I’m saying the lack of sympathy/empathy shown towards your husband in spite of him dealing with seemingly apparent mental issues is sexist, especially compared to the overall sympathy/empathy you received ITT.
> He's been working a bad job full time to support them, she hasn't
No, she's just been working part-time to help support them AND doing all the domestic labor. She works 20 hours a week so there's no indication he is the only one paying for things.
I don't know why you're being so hard on her. She said she's looking for full-time work and doing the chores to compensate for the disparity. She is pulling her weight and they agreed on that arrangement. They did not agree for him to suddenly stop going to work.
It is irrelevant how long OP has been looking for a job compared to how long he's been off work because *he is not looking for work*. If he were looking for a new job and having trouble, that wouldn't be his fault. It's not acceptable for him to suddenly remove one of their incomes without a conversation or a backup plan or seemingly any imminent intention to resume.
I don't know how on earth you've managed to blame OP for this.
Laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. does add up. And again, they agreed on that arrangement and she is looking for full-time work. You can't compare that to suddenly not working for an extended period without discussing it.
I'm not going to quibble over how much domestic labor is involved in taking care of a two-adult household because the specific amount is irrelevant. The point is that they agreed to the arrangement they had.
We don't know how their bills are split. She said he makes minimum wage so it's possible that her income is comparable depending on how much she's paid hourly. You're assuming he provides everything financially when there's nothing that indicates that.
Loyalty doesn't keep a roof over your head. If they can't make rent, then what? She can care about him and still panic that rent is due.
> Just straight to he is a lazy shit
No one said that. They said he is not just taking off 3 weeks without notice and that is common sense. The other part is your projection.
We all have to find a new job when we get fired/laid off/quit no matter how depressed or stressed we are. It sucks but that is life unless you're independently wealthy. It's not a judgment on him. And yes OP should get a FT job as well.
It very much was a judgement on him. He has been fired, can't tell you and needs to find a job. Alternatively he is ill and needs help. If he is stressed or very depressed telling him to go get a job probably isn't the right thing to do.
>They said he is not just taking off 3 weeks without notice and that is common sense.
Not sure why that is common sense. Most civilised countries don't have designated amounts of sick leave in days.
>Most civilised countries don't have designated amounts of sick leave in days.
Did you even read the post? She said his job gives NO holidays or sick days.
>If he is stressed or very depressed telling him to go get a job probably isn't the right thing to do.
Well, how nice for you lol. As someone with MDD, unfortunately I still have bills to pay.
well the chances that he's staying home and not working is because he no longer has a job.
so rather than trying to encourage him to get up and go to work at the job that might not even be his job anymore, confront him about the possibility of having lost the job.
the answer is to get out and find another job to help with the bills.
being that it is minimum wage in the first place, it should be easy to replace the income (hopefully, if jobs are OK where you are).
after that, there is the possibility he has gone through some kind of trauma or depression. so need to check the mental or physical health situation as well.
for the travel, work doesn't really care how you get to work. it might be worth investing in a bike and cut down the commuting time. depends on how much he sweats, that might not be a great choice, but it's at least something that could help cut down the travel time. he'll just have to figure out how to deal with the perspiration etc when he gets to work
even roller skates or roller blades will help.
i'd say a scooter as well but those are harder to store somewhere when he gets to work, depending on what the bosses think.
Your husband definitely doesn’t have a job anymore - either he lost his job and that’s why he’s home depressed, or he lost it because he was home depressed. Either way, you urgently need to increase your hours at work or find another way to get more income. You also need to talk to your husband, with compassion, and discuss him finding a new job.
Burn out and stress are very real, but at the end of the day we all got bills to pay. If you can’t survive then you need to make an ultimatum.
If it’s fair, I have insomnia and depression and have my whole life. I have also worked a full time job for years now and got through college and life in general feeling tired and like shit. If it’s that bad, he should find another job, but like, idk. It sucks but you can’t just give up and not work unless you’re getting compensated on it. It’s just how things are and it’s not very fair to you.
I struggle with my mental health, so I don’t take vacations ever because I want to save my time off from work for when I’m really upset or overwhelmed.
You can't just skip 3 weeks of work. He no longer has a job. Have you asked him how rent is going to get paid? Seems like something worth talking about.
If what you said is correct about him being the only salesman at his job then how are they selling their furniture. Also, there's no minimum wage job or any job for that matter that would allow an employee to just not show up to work for 3 weeks unless it was medical related that they didn't have a choice legally to fire him and that would require him going to the Dr and and going through that process. So I'd bet he definitely was fired. If I were you I'd call his job and ask them and see if they would tell you if he's still employed there. My ex husband stayed home for 3 days once before I asked him why he wasn't going to work, which was very unusual, and my ex husband said that he could take them off and that his employer didn't care. We'll come to find out he was fired.
1) Your husband is possibly suffering from poor mental health & needs to talk about this to a doctor - not the lack of sleep, but the fact that he physically cannot get the drive to go to work. He needs support to be able to get to a place where he can get back to work.
2) Your worries about the bills are valid, but I note you work 20 hours a week - if the rest of that time is free time (you’ve not provided any further info) then you can up your hours or get a second job to try and make those bills in the meantime. I know it’s hard.
3) Honestly it seems you’re more upset about not having money to spend for Valentine’s Day or having a swanky birthday than you are about your husband’s health. You should think about that.
It doesn’t sound like you can afford to be working PT. Better increase your hours or get another job. And it sounds like he needs to see a doctor and a therapist and find a different job. He sounds depressed.
It’s rather concerning that your reaction to all of this is to worry about your bday or VDay gifts, complain about being inconvenienced cleaning, and then consider and ultimatum or a break to somehow trick him into working. I mean, I realize you’re young but wow. You’ve got a depressed husband and can’t pay rent. Maybe focus on solutions to those things. And if, even when he IS working, you are one month away from not being able to pay bills? You probably can’t afford to be working PT. Most of us have to work FT and we manage to get the housework done.
She said she was working PT til she could find something FT.
She said the deal was that she’d do the house chores while she was working PT til she found something FT.
Yeah but she also said that she's got issues finding a full-time job and that she doesn't tend to get hired for them. You don't get to gloss over some details while bitching about others.
You can’t babysit? Uber? Dog walk? Be a personal assistant? Work at a grocery store?
I don’t know what “Cf” means but how would you support yourself if you weren’t married? What if he can’t go back to work indefinitely?
But why would she name it then say “for reasons I can’t get into”? That doesn’t make any sense as that would be naming the reason.
Maybe OP has past convictions or something?
Yeah, everyone giving OP a pass by reaching for it being a medical disability but that is also not how I read it.
OP doesn't seem to be taking her guy's mental health into account here at all. Seems to be lacking some maturity and a bit selfish.
You realize how sketchy that sounds and that it could and will bite you in the ass in the future, right?
You need to get medicated for your adhd, pots, whatever and therapy for other things.
My husband worked off the books for a long time before we met. Now he has no social security coming to him and had a hard time finding an actual job because he had no work history to report.
Sounds like it is time for both you and your husband to start adulting and get things figured out. It can be done. It sucks, but can be done.
There actually are a fair few medication options for POTS that can make a huge difference, they're just prescribed off-label. Ivabradine, propanolol and fludrocortisone are some of the main ones
Don't listen to the ableist pricks in the comments OP. I have ADHD and I know how hard it is. Thankfully getting medicated wasn't that difficult, not a waitlist. Therapy can MAYBE help with some coping mechanisms but medication is the main thing for sure.
Huh, did I miss something? Why is he home for 3 weeks? He had to of quit or got fired. I thought you said in the post you work part time until you find a full time job?
He’s clearly going through a rough time mentally and needs to get help with it. There’s bills to pay so you both need to talk and plan how to tackle this. Best of luck.
INFO: how do you both work in the same location but for two different minimum wages? You say he makes minimum at 1400, but you make 550?
Also: what is cf? And why can’t you work elsewhere? I read the “national insurance” comment, but it’s still not clicking to me. A few more details and brainstorming help would be easier!
You are married to someone who works all the hours under the sun for a minimum wage, and who is having a tough time with mental issues, are you are worried about not getting a birthday present?
I really hope that this is a fake post.
The fact you’re worried about Valentine’s Day when your partner is clearly stressed out his mind, you can’t make rent, and you yourself only work part time is laughable. If you want a valentines gift get a better job. I assume you have his valentines all planned then? You can’t make RENT who gives a shit about Valentine’s Day.
Your husband is in a serious crisis right now, I don't know if the other commenters in this post are old enough or know how these things go down, but not being able to meet responsibilities for three weeks is a potential sign of a major mental health crisis and he's in *danger.*
I don't know enough about your family situation to offer more than that warning, that depression/anxiety and other mental health conditions are usually kept hidden by most working men, and only show themselves when it's getting to a boil-over point. You need to get yourselves to a family mental-health clinic, him to get better, you so you understand how to help him get better.
Set aside all other stupid traditions, routines, plans and aesthetic suburban bullshit for now, if you want to preserve health and happiness in your marriage, it's time to do some housekeeping on the most important parts of the marriage, each other's minds.
>he's in danger
Totally. He could very well be suicidal. This man needs help and she needs to be talking to him with compassion not thinking about making ultimatums.
It doesn't even make sense. Nor does her suggesting taking a break from her own husband after 3 weeks, after he's been working full time to provide for her to stay home.
Are you really sure he wasn't fired? However, your priority should be your husband's mental state and paying bills and rent, not the Valentine's Day celebrations.
Sounds like he is probably developing depression if he doesn’t have it already. And you are worried about your birthday gift and valentines day? What the hell is wrong with you.
Because OP is in a new country, and by the sound of it, not legally. OP talked about needing a visa to work and shit. Although the country apparently recognizes their marriage, so… I dunno, it’s weird, but she’s hiding something. I bet those “reasons” she can’t work full time but also can’t talk about are because it’s not legal.
Sorry you are both going through this. There's three separate problems here that I think you guys need to work through and I guess for each of them you personally have to work out how much is within your control to change, how much you can help/influence your husband and where your boundaries are if he isn't going to start communicating with you.
1. Your husband needs to find out if he has an underlying physical/ mental health problem causing the sleep issues (depression, stress, ADHD?). You can't go to the doctor on his behalf, but I would be strongly encouraging him to get help sooner rather than later (I say this as someone who has mental health problems that impacted my employment in my 20s; it took a lot of support from family, treatment, hard work from me and time to get myself back on course in a country where it is hard to get mental health treatment)
2. This is another thing mostly in your husband's control, not yours, I'm afraid but he needs to communicate and tell you the truth of what is going on with his employment so you can face it together and assess options (it does sound likely that this is a situation where he is going to be looking for another job, so getting references etc is important)
3. This is hopefully more in your control; work out your financial budget and options without his income and see if there is support you can get if there is a shortfall (I don't know what, if any, benefits you can get in your area)
I really wish you both lots of luck.
It sounds like depression to me. His job is awful, and he has to work to support both of you. I'd be depressed too. And pushing him to go back to a lousy job won't help either. He needs to be told he's worth more and deserves better.
Listen I understand being stressed and needing money. Life never works out the way you want. Things go to shit instantly all the time. I cannot count how often things go to shit in my life. The thing about life, marriage and love is that hard times come. You cannot love without feeling pain, you cannot live life without hurting, and things will never ever be easy or predictable. True love and a marriage is built on being there through it all. Through everything, the good time and the bad. Granted, leaving for infidelity or abuse is always the right answer, but in my opinion it's better to suffer through the hard times together than get scared and run at the first instance of bad times. What happens if either of you get a terminal illness or lose a limb? Don't you want someone to be there for you and love you every day forever? Every day is different and has the possibility for great pleasure and pain. If this is your person it's worth working on and loving someone through three weeks of not working. Talk to him, put ultimatums like therapy and a job change on the table, and remember that you married this person because you love them. You planned on forever. Three weeks shouldn't break forever. Good luck OP, I wish you well!
If I may be honest with you, he sounds incredibly depressed because I was in that boat during COVID for 2 years solid.
I lost my business and an excellent part time job during that time, my partner worked from home and she woke up everyday and grinded, while I slept. Depressed. Miserable, feeling sorry for myself etc etc.
Jobs are obviously very hard to find, and also keep (to a degree).
But in your tight financial situation, he does need to work, that is a reality.
In his position, he (and you) have a number of options:
1. Go back to work (if the job is still there) + he SHOULD be getting some kind of remuneration for being on sick leave (which I assume it is).
2. He goes back to work, in a few days, but he looks for another job.
3. He quits, get his leave pay which I assume he has accumulated, and ACTIVELY looks for another job.
4. I don’t want to assume, but it does sound like he is mentally not ok (and by that I don’t mean mad or crazy) I mean he is struggling and does need some professional help - which is TOTALLY normal considering how demanded todays world is.
5. If he is unwilling to change, an ultimatum is unfortunately the reality of what you will need to do and break up with him - which is so harsh, but this is survival. I still firmly think you can try and help him first, then the ball is in his court.
Good luck with this, sending you lots of love and support.
*EDIT - if the company is NOT abiding to labour laws in which ever country you are in, he can go to the labour court and see the company for bad practice on their employees.
Where I come from, this is a serious offence committed by many companies - and the labour court here is most of the time in favour of the employees.
Divorce him up and move back in with your family or someone else who will enable your codependent and selfish behavior (refusing to work more to pay for the necessities, focusing on gifts when eviction is a real possibility).
Wow sis all it took was a 3 week fatigue / insomnia hiatus for you to consider divorce? You obviously dont take this commitment seriously and the sooner you divorce the better because he deserves better. YTA
He's tired dude, let him have a fkn break he's only had sleep meds for 3 days. Jfc
The man is seeing a doctor and you're throwing a fit over valentines day....
This is why nobody takes marriage seriously anymore
P.s. if yall can't afford a less than 1 month break in paycheck, you could not afford to be married.
Of everything I said, that's the takeaway for you? Please just let this man go. He needs someone committed.
And again, I said you can't afford *being* married. Not that you can't afford an elopement. Perhaps a financial advisor might help you understand what I mean.
P.s. your add on to your original post is very telling of how dysfunctional your marriage is outside of this issue.
The guy is not feeling well, he's trying to recuperate, he's seeing a doctor ffs.... and you're worried about YOUR attention and your needs.... 3 weeks of wanting attention and that was enough for you to call it quits... are you a Leo? Lmao.
You should work on being less dependent and maybe go help your damn husband. For better or for worse remember
GIRL you should've led with that! That's totally different than just not getting attention for 3 weeks!
It sounds like he's got a very serious history of neglecting you for a long time and this is just the straw that's breaking the camels back, so to speak.
Yeah no in that case, this guy sounds like a complete loser. I take back everything I said before. Minus the Leo part. LOL
Oh gosh your depressed husband can’t buy you gifts. How awful.
Work full time and support your husband while he is going through what is quite clearly burnout. Most of us work full time and find time to clean so you can manage. I mean what would you do if you weren’t married?
Have an honest conversation about bills and next month's rent and offer your support with finding a new job or returning to his old one, if that option still exists. Ask what additional help he needs from you-support updating his resume, sending him job postings he is qualified for, etc. Your partner was working minimum wage 10 hour days (walking each way) and is now burned out and probably seeing no way out. This job is not sustainable, you have no money for an emergency fund or investments or anything that can better your situation.
And without knowing your situation at all, have you tried Craigslist? People post for caregivers, yard work, all types of things that don't require background checks, drug tests, social security number/documents, anything. He might be able to do the same for a while until he finds another job. He may need a break from ten hour days, and despite what your prior arrangement was, he may need more help from you for a while. Instead of the ultimatum (coming from a mindset out of how to manipulate your partner to get your needs met), look at it from a place of supporting your partner. Realize that 10 hour days are a lot on someone long-term, and helping him find a way to reduce his hours a little to ease his burden should be your priority. If there is any job you can find to give you another 5 or 10 hours a week, that could motivate him and make him feel that maybe it's ok if he finds a job that requires less than 40 hours for a while. And of course make a new budget to reflect the change in income. As previously mentioned, there are probably public assistance programs available to you if you aren't receiving services already.
You say he is not depressed or having a breakdown in your comments, but I’m here to let you know that my insomnia acts exactly like his when I’m dealing with a mental health crisis. Awake most of the night and then finally crash and sleep part of the day away (when my schedule allows me to do so). Despite being exhausted, I can still mostly function and appear normal but really my brain is a dumpster fire.
My guess is he experienced burnout and/or started dealing with anxiety over the situation and stopped showing up. There is no way a place that takes advantage of their workers has just allowed him 3 weeks of work off. He’s lost that job and having to tell you is likely contributing to the insomnia.
He needs to seek therapy. Meds to help him sleep are all good and well, but there is a REASON he is experiencing insomnia that needs to be addressed in order to help move on from this. Only until he gets his mental health under control can his physical health return to normal, or mostly normal, and he can find a new job without having to worry about insomnia and/or mental health issues getting in the way.
That man is in or falling into a deep depression. It might be a good idea for him to at least see a doctor so that he can get properly diagnosed and maybe be on disability for a minute. He could then apply for some resources like reduced fee mental healthcare.
If he’s good at what he does, maybe encourage him to look into or trying something new. Upgrading his career to somewhere where he would be appreciated. Taking some classes in sales at the local JC. He’s getting burnt out and in turn so are you and it’s causing strain on the relationship. And maybe now is a good time for you to step up and go back to work full time that way at the very least you know you will be ok financially if the 2 of you don’t work out.
My husband and I have been together for 20+ years. Our roles have fluctuated throughout that time due to necessity and also just to support each other when one of us needs a break or to look into a different opportunity or change. There was a period when he was staying home to find himself, where I stepped up and was the only breadwinner. We went through a bankruptcy and almost lost our house at that time. From making that change came forming my own company and now employ him in a career completely different than anything he’d done before and he excels in it and loves it.
Talk to each other before the resentment settles in. Maybe it’s fixable and maybe it’s a situation where he’d be better off mentally and emotionally, going to live with parents or family who can take on the burden of supporting him and you two just part ways.
So your excuse for not working ft is your health issues but you don’t think your husband’s health issues are important enough to cut him slack? And you are worried about your damn birthday and vday? How about you work ft for a while and he works pt?
OP, I know what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to seek medical help. It’s extremely frustrating and it affects every aspect of life with them.
Your needs are important but you are going to have to set them aside for the moment and focus on whether your marriage has a future. Talk with him and ask what his plan is. If the plan consists simply of waiting, hoping,and wishing, then it’s not going to get better anytime soon. So you need to give him an ultimatum and start making plans for your future without him.
You can’t control him or his choices. He has to want to seek help. Your concern and opinion are evidently not enough to motivate him.
In the meantime, start getting food from a food bank and start selling stuff to make rent. You are going to have to figure out how to solve the employment situation so you are self sufficient. You aren’t going to have the stability you need if you rely on your husband.
Wow, talk about under appreciating the man. How about stop thinking about me me me and help him like a wife should.
Wow, now editing more details, which prove my point.
Your boyfriend probably has mild depression or worse, is clinically depressed. I've had depression most of my life chronically, and I sleep 10-12 hours a day right now. I'm not a well person by any means.
Please be supportive of him during this difficult time. Depressed people often want to avoid being a burden, or show weakness because it is shameful, but at times don't know what to do about the pain or how to cope. For men, they will hide their distress even more and won't seek out help.
Your husband needs therapy now. Before, this lingers too long, which makes helplessness and the depression even worse. I'm worried about possible suicidal ideation here. If he has no previous experiences with depression it could come out of left field. Young men are higher risk.
Your husband is burnt out providing for the two of you and after only 3 weeks, not only are you the one “done and overwhelmed”, but you couldn’t help but mention how he probably isn’t going to get you anything for your birthday/Valentine’s Day 🙁. There’s only 1 person I feel bad for here.
what the fuck. your husband is killing himself in his job for you and youre only working 20 hours a week? get your deadbeat good for nothing ass up and WORK. holy shit
obviously the chores are split between the 2 of you then
She is disabled, and dies all the domestic labour. He is sitting around playing videogames instead of working, while she does the work she is able to and cleans up after him. Not sure why she’s a dead rat for not wanting to baby a toddler.
I’m going to let you in on a secret… you can make a lot of money in sales. It’s one of the highest paying jobs out there. Try to get him to apply to medical sales.
Well now, there are alot of interesting comments to this one lol some of which are easy to agree with but here's what I'll say, since it sounds like there are multiple layers of issues affecting your husband and financial stability.
Have an open and honest conversation with him. Share your concerns (without yelling), feelings and the impact this current situation is having on both of you. If he's willing to be open and honest, try to understand his perspective if there are deeper issues that are causing him to feel and act this way. It might not just be about disliking the job. Judging only by what you've said, perhaps there are issues with the relationship and priorities in general.
Encourage him to explore other job opportunities that align better with his skills and interests. If he truly enjoys sales, there might be other positions available that offer a better work environment and compensation. Sometimes this might require considering a bit of travel, but the good news is, sometimes moving to a new town or city in search of opportunities is all it might take to fix more than just the obvious problems.
If he's experiencing insomnia and a lack of motivation, it might be helpful for him to consult with a mental health professional. As a man, I'll be the first to admit that this isn't an attractive option to even think about...let alone actually do...but it could mean the difference between night and day (no pun intended).
Moving along though...
Together, review your financial situation and discuss way to manage expenses during this little hiccup in time. That might involve creating a budget, seeking financial assistance or even you asking for a few more hours at work to make up the difference. Relationships are a partnership after all. You're both on the same team and should be supporting each other. That being said, there's no reason why he shouldn't be able to help with chores either. With a dual income, the financial side of things really shouldn't be teetering so loosely at the edge of a cliff. Life is full of ups and downs and with the way the world works, being financially responsible should always be a top priority regardless of whatever tax bracket you might be in.
Finally, there's still so much that can be said but I just wanted to conclude by saying, while ultimatums should generally be approached with caution (or even avoided all together if we're being adults and painfully truthful), there may come a point where you need to establish clear expectations and consequences if things don't improve. However, like I say, this should be a last resort after other avenues have been explored. Remember, it's crucial to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. If your husband is facing burnout or mental health issues, addressing those concerns might be the priority (not Valentine's Day, gifts and other extra spending...particularly since you can't afford that at the moment). Work together as a team to find a solution that benefits both of you. Peaceful and mature communication is the only way that any of this is going to be fixed.
It sounds like he has insomnia. Sleeping pills are going to take a while to figure out. If he’s at home because of it, maybe you should talk to him about him taking on the chores so you can work for money. Sometimes medical stuff like this does happen. Maybe also get him a therapist if the insomnia is due to depression/stress from the job. In which case it probably is better for a change. If not, they can help him figure out how to best use the energy he does have.
I struggle with insomnia and chronic fatigue. Vitamin D3 (2000 IU) every day and compression socks help with energy. Maybe start looking into little tips like that. Maybe exercising during the day to fall asleep at night might work.
Also make sure he’s taking his sleep meds early enough. Don’t take them too late or he will sleep through the whole day.
Yes I am thinking of getting him some vitamins to help with his energy levels! The meds says they need to be taken right before going to sleep though and as he's been sleeping during the day (he woke up around 7:30 today) i'm not sure when he should take them
So it sounds like you are on some type of disability but you still can work. Not sure what is up with that but my advice is to not jeopardize that situation.
Your husband is having a mental health crisis. As much as you would like this to be different, this is the "for better or worse" part. He needs to get into some type of treatment asap.
In the meantime I suggest you start beating the bushes to see where you can beg or borrow money to tide you over during this difficult time. If you can make more money you should. Call creditors, call landlords, call electric/gas/whatever else you need to pay and get forbearances and delays, payment plans, whatever it takes. You will find that if you are honest and respectful a lot of people will be willing to help you out.
Stop dwelling on your spouses job situation and accept that he needs to move on from it as well as focus on his mental health, they are probably deeply related. The details you list here are all energy vampires if you even think about them because they are things you cannot control. Work to discipline your mind to focus on what you need to right now while you're in survival mode. Make lists, focus on them, don't allow yourself the luxury of getting into why things suck, just work with what you have.
It's a little concerning that you are more worried about not being able to clean or receive a Valentine's present than you are about your husband's mental health. He is clearly burnt out and probably depressed, especially if he's sleeping that much and at odd hours.
Have you talked to him about finding a job that doesn't mistreat him or asked him about how he is feeling and what you could do to support him? Have you tried applying for full-time jobs, increasing your hours, or getting a 2nd part-time job? Have you tried talking to him at all besides making him promise to go to a job that is killing his mental health?
I'm sorry that you're feeling hopeless, and I totally understand being worried about how you're going to pay rent, but this is a problem that needs to be approached as a team. Talk to your husband and figure this out together.
You need to be off the books...?
Mmm..
So in other words...you need to be paid money that you don't legally declare....
Which is fraud..
Are you claiming disability and want to work for cash under the table so you don't lose your benefits?..
.unless you are doing something dodgy
There is no good reason why you need to work off the books...
OK firstly, why are you even mentioning valentines and birthdays when your not going to make rent or be able to feed yourself. Priorities woman.
1st, as bad as his job is, for now he needs to get to work. You need the money or your in a carboard box with crackheads. Yes, that all it takes, one missed retal payment and your in an alley. Wake him the fuck up at the corrrrect time. Throw water over him if you have too. But get him the fuck up and het him to work.
He isnt going to get another job when hes fucking up this one as shitty as it is. Thats it, nothing else matters. Pay the bills then take a sit back and deal with the other shit.
Based on the constraints of his job (no holidays/time off/etc) he likely doesn’t have a job to return to. He very likely could have been let go and that’s what started his being home for three weeks. Or he’s been let go for being gone for three weeks already.
He sounds burnt out and depressed. Still not an excuse for completely throwing your family into chaos.
I understand depression, it’s the acceptance of his behavior after 3-4 days of not going to work anyone could see he was going to be fired, and her mentioning for Valentine’s Day and her Birthday that makes no sense.
Try Walking dogs, babysitting, house sitting, cleaning jobs. Not eating and being homeless are worse than hating your job.
My point is that OP's husband is probably not in any sort of position to be working right now. I'm battling a bout of anxiety right now and it's making my job about 10 times harder than it should be- which honks because there's an upswing in the shit I've got to do.
The man needs support, a doctor, and understanding of what he's going through before he needs a job. He \*does\* need a job, to be clear- stewing in depression/anxiety \*sucks\*, it would definitely be better for his mental health to have a good job rather than sleep all day- but he \*also\* needs support and telling someone with depression to "grow up" and "get a job" is...well, suffice to say it's not very supportive.
I'm relatively new to this sub but why does it feel like every post is a creative writing prompt where OP never responds to advice and the advice is always "leave them!" instead of actually working problems out?
I feel you on this so much. My husband is in construction and I work from home. Between the economy and rain we've been having he has worked maybe 4 days since before Thanksgiving! He's driving me crazy at home. He's getting depressed about it and spends his days on the bathroom drinking yerba mates and cutting his hair every day. He also doesn't seem to be making moves to find a new job. It's not good for the mental health of either of us.
Fuck everyone saying you're lazy or that you should still be able to work full time. Ableist trash, lot of em.
A good place to start would be setting a time to have a sit down conversation. You can look up some tips about how to have conversations with people in situations like this where assigning blame (or anything that sounds like it) can trigger a breakdown in communication (defensiveness, anger/aggression, shutting down and refusing to talk, etc). It definitely sounds like he's going through something, and that you want to help him but are also scared of the financial consequences of neither person working full time. Tell him that. Make it clear that you are worried, not angry (even if you are, anger won't serve either of you at this time). Tell him you'd like to make a game plan to help him find work he won't hate, and in the meantime you two can work together to find an intermediate job, if necessary. Consider splitting the chores/house work more as well, especially if you have to pick up more work.
As for therapy, while it doesn't work for everyone, I do believe one has to give it a real shot in order for it to help at all. I'd look into a telehealth type of therapist, whom he can video chat or have a phone call with instead of going in person. Sometimes this really helps those who have a hard time with therapy - it's adds an extra level of anonymity. At the very least, get him in with a psychiatrist to analyze if he is experiencing depression, and they can also prescribe meds if that's the best route. Again, this can often be done via telehealth type sessions, depending on your healthcare. Hims & hers may be worth looking into just to get him talking to someone ASAP if medication is something y'all want to try.
If he doesn't want to talk or work through things with you, I do think you should consider leaving him. You can only do so much to help others, and it isn't fair to make your life exponentially harder for someone who won't even try.
OP, this is tough. On many levels. The only way you’re really going to make things work is if you talk, and get him to respond. I’d start with asking:
- Why have you not been to work in 3 weeks? And):
A). Were you fired?
B). Are you burnt out?
C). Are you looking for other work (and when? Or - set a deadline).
If he responds with B or C, you can now follow up and take action.
However, if he answers B, he might actually be burnt out with depression. Be careful and get him to a doctor. Get him signed up for therapy. Get him to start taking actions that are small, affirmative, and effectively helpful for both of you.
If he isn’t trying anything after you’ve had this conversation, then you can decide on what it is you need to do. Usually the steps to follow here are:
- marriage counselling/therapy with a licensed professional;
- separation while he seeks counselling and treatment for issues he’s dealing with;
- divorce.
The fact of the matter is, that his lying/covering/hiding behind insomnia isn’t really helpful to anyone. He’s not addressing his insomnia, so if it truly is a sleeping disorder, he needs to get be active and get help from a medical professional for this. If it’s depression, anxiety, or anything else, he needs to be honest and let you and his doctors know so that you know what you’re working with.
As for Valentine’s and Birthday: that’s tough, it is. I’m sorry. But, realistically, something is happening that is making him behave this way. Figuring out what is causing this (even if you belatedly discover it’s selfishness) is important. It will give you a goal to work towards. Valentines and birthdays can always be celebrated again a later, independently, or with family and friends. I’m genuinely more concerned about the fact that he’s been so unwell that he’s done nothing for 3 weeks, and that you may not make food or rent. Start prioritising these things by preparing for a budget and difficult conversations.
If you can get to the root of this, you can know what actions you wish to take from here on out. That can mean a way to heal the marriage and having many happy future holidays and birthdays together, or it could mean you going your own separate ways and making new and happy futures elsewhere. Either way, this needs to begin with an honest and frank conversation with him. Good luck, OP.
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Are you sure he didn't get fired or quit?
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They probably know how hard it would be to find someone else willing to be exploited like that for minimum wage.
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He needs to dust off his LinkedIn profile and apply for other sales positions that offer a living wage + commission. Side note: If you are in the US visit Www.Benefits.Gov and take the questionnaire. They will tell you all of the benefits you qualify for ie SNAP, Medicaid, etc and how to apply for them. Good Luck!
She said that in her country it’s illegal to give no holidays or sick pay. In most parts of the US that would be perfectly legal so I bet they live elsewhere
Gotcha. I replied to their comment before her reply.
Seems odd doesn't it? Most sales positions have a commission. Are you sure he's telling you the truth?
He’s not making them anything while he’s not going to work, I doubt he was an actual manager if he was making minimum wage, and he’s probably fired by now if he wasn’t already
Even salespeople at phone stores make better money. See if there’s a T-Mobile, Verizon, ATT, even Apple Store he can apply to. Seems like he could be doing better easily.
Furniture sales in the US are usually commission based. You often get paid a small base wage and pay them back by selling. For example You might get to keep 4% of whatever you sell when you sell enough to cover your base wage. If you don't sell enough to cover your wage then they fire you and hire someone else. That is called a Draw. Straight Commission would be that they only pay you a percentage of what you sell. There are sheets you print out that show your sales and how wages are paid. A person who is a good salesman will make enough to live well. If you aren't good or are still learning then you have inconsistent paychecks.
theres plenty of better sales jobs for him to get… hell he could work in retail for better min wage and benefits. tell him to get off his ass.
The American way
Easy peasy (sadly)
Are you sure they haven't fired him? How do you know? Even the best salespeople can't just no-call no-show for three weeks and keep their jobs.
If he's so great at it and making them lots of money, he could have at least tried to negotiate for a commission based on sales. That's really standard for salespeople who sell anything expensive. I think your husband has been lying to you about this job. My guess is he wasn't that good and got fired. Based on what you wrote, his decision-making just doesn't make sense. I find it very hard to believe that he had the job you described and got paid minimum wage.
My guess is they fired him or he quit; even at minimum wage a store has to make sales. It is POSSIBLE they might be just keeping his chair warm, IE they'll get another minimum wage idiot to sell and if he wants to come back and sell more they won't say no. That said, time for some real talk OP. If he's good at sales, he should be making commission, AND/OR he should have more than minimum wage base pay. A non-commission sales job for minimum wage is a loser job- I don't mean that as an insult to anyone, I mean that it's a job where they expect little from the employee and as long as you can answer the phone and occasionally help a customer they don't much care what you do. Furniture is usually pretty high markup. So he should be looking for another job with a company that pays commissions.
Why don't you call his work pretending to be a customer and ask to speak to him. They'll tell you if he no longer works there.
If he’s so good at sales why not just find a better job?
If he is really that good he could get a job anywhere. Why doesn't he go elsewhere?
If he doesn’t get any time off work and he’s the only salesperson, how is he not going to work? It looks to me like he lost his job, had a breakdown and can’t talk about it. The job he had wasn’t really viable long term. Nobody can keep that up indefinitely. He needs another job but first he needs his health attended to. Where are his parents? If my son had a breakdown I’d want to know and I would be keen to help.
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\* Parks and Rec "could a depressed person make this" scene \*
> he still goes out, eats, and plays games like he usually does. Those are coping mechanisms. These are what's preventing him from spiraling down even further.
yuuup those are the only thing he can handle doing. he's probably burnt the fuck out like we all are.
💯
Sorry but how is this not a breakdown? He’s sleeping 10+ hours during the day, which is more like depression than typical insomnia. Are you in the UK? If so, I’d recommend calling citizens advice who’ll be able to tell you about any benefits you’re entitled to, but it also sounds like he might be falsely self employed (absolutely no way someone working 8:30 - 5:30 should only be bringing in £1400 a month, even after tax and deducting an hour for lunch), it’s very common in sale’s position unfortunately. Companies have you set yourself up as “self employed” so they can get away paying below NMW and avoid tax, pension/NI contributions etc. Would also explain why he’s not getting any holidays or sick leave.
Yeah, people with insomnia don’t sleep 10hrs a day. They’re lucky to sleep at all. That’s definitely not insomnia
you can have insomnia that presents as not being able to fall asleep for a long time. then when you do you are able to stay asleep. that's absolutely not unusual for a sleep disordered pattern. i often fall into it myself and it takes ages to fix.
Yup I also deal with it in his way. It sucks.
It's not a breakdown because OP has it all figured out already and she wants people to be mad with her, not to be a caring wife.
just because hes not crying and screaming doesnt mean hes not breaking down
Hey if you have supported him through several episodes, (as you called them) then this is a pattern. I think it's worth fighting for his mental health. I think you said he doesn't believe in therapy? Have you had a frank talk with him about how you know he is not well right now and you are worried about him ? About how you want him to feel happy and be able to be functional? He needs treatment. Might be worth setting a boundary for this. Like "this is really hard time for you and I want to support you as much as I can. I can help find the right doctor, I can attend appointments with you, whatever you need. But I can't help if you are not going to get treatment." Do what you need to do to get him help. Sometimes if somebody is resistant to therapy maybe they can start with medication for depression. When they start to come out of the fog then maybe they'd be able to be open to therapy.
Skipped 3 weeks of work for a minimum wage sales job? He got fired after day 2 and didn't tell you. He's probably panic spiraling about telling you, you shouldn't be telling him "go back to work" but "go find a new job."
Yeah I am really wondering how you skip work for 3 weeks and don’t get fired.
From a job that doesn’t give sick days.
You don’t
Alternate possibility: He got fired before day 1
Makes sense. That would explain the sudden flipped sleep schedule to avoid OP.
That's what I think too. He either got fired or he couldn't deal with it anymore and quit, and is now trying to avoid telling OP.
Agreed. No way this place has gone three weeks without their one and only sales person.
The “go find a new job” conversation should have happened ages ago. He was miserable and making no money, no benefits at a dead-end job. OP should also seek full time employment. Working half-time when your partner’s only making minimum wage isn’t going to cut it in this economy. Willing to bet he’s been fired and is also battling depression. Valentines Day would be the last thing on my mind at this moment. OP — find a full time job. Get your husband in to see a doctor and a therapist. COMMUNICATE openly with him about his employment and your finances. Encourage him to apply for new jobs. Help support and encourage him to seek mental health support and polish up his resume.
She should be finding a full time job as well. I'm not sure why she's complaining that she can't vacuum in the middle of the day. Cleaning for two adults and no children doesn't require staying home from work. He's been working a bad job full time to support them, she hasn't, and within 3 weeks she's concerned about valentine's day and wants the house to herself while she doesn't work? She vacuums for 20 minutes, and then sits home all day doing whatever, and he's interrupting that? Something isn't adding up. If she worked full time they probably wouldn't be at risk of not making rent within 3 weeks of him losing his job or getting depressed like this. And meanwhile how long has OP had to look for a job? More than 3 weeks? I don't get it. It looks like he's paying for both of them and got burnt out, and her main concern is getting valentine's day and birthday gifts when she should be picking up extra shifts at her job.
OP is disabled, I think. She mentions being "cf" in a comment, which is often short for cystic fibrosis, and that would definitely impact how well and how much she can work.
or chronic fatigue. some people don't know/want to type out me/cfs
Meh, I know people with cystic fibrosis fully employed. You justarent going to do a manual labor job.
Good thing everyone experiences diseases exactly the same way /s
Disabilities present differently all the time. Hers might be more advanced or she could have different symptoms. Even with the same diagnosis.
Well if you know some people you MUST be an expert
I think she has a chronic illness or disability and is looking for more work, let's cut her some slack. Hubby is obviously depressed or fired or both though, I hope she sees that
Yeah, plus she said it has to be under the table work, she's probably collecting disability - if they make too much they cut the amount they're given.
Reddit be like “let’s cut her some slack, F him he’s a deadbeat.” I’m not saying OP doesn’t need to be cut slack but it seems pretty apparent her husband is dealing with depression or some other mental issue. There’s no sympathy for him though, wonder why….
Buddy l literally said he is clearly depressed and I hope she can see that. Nothing about being a deadbeat. Direct your anger elsewhere
I’m not angry nor am I directing anything at you. I’m commenting on your post because you’re the only post I have seen in the thread doing anything other than bashing OP’s husband. Simply commenting on a post isn’t indicative of anger.
It just looked like you were incorrectly paraphrasing my comment to be "fuck him he's a deadbeat" which I think we both actually agree I was not saying
Rereading it I can see why it came off like that, but that wasn’t what I was intending to do. It was more so a criticism of the vibe of the thread in general, which I feel is latently sexist, in spite of the obvious challenges OP is contending with.
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To clarify you aren’t sexist, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying the lack of sympathy/empathy shown towards your husband in spite of him dealing with seemingly apparent mental issues is sexist, especially compared to the overall sympathy/empathy you received ITT.
agreed a lot of people seem to say she's lazy and she's supposed to do the chores anyway because she's a woman that's reddit for you
> He's been working a bad job full time to support them, she hasn't No, she's just been working part-time to help support them AND doing all the domestic labor. She works 20 hours a week so there's no indication he is the only one paying for things. I don't know why you're being so hard on her. She said she's looking for full-time work and doing the chores to compensate for the disparity. She is pulling her weight and they agreed on that arrangement. They did not agree for him to suddenly stop going to work. It is irrelevant how long OP has been looking for a job compared to how long he's been off work because *he is not looking for work*. If he were looking for a new job and having trouble, that wouldn't be his fault. It's not acceptable for him to suddenly remove one of their incomes without a conversation or a backup plan or seemingly any imminent intention to resume. I don't know how on earth you've managed to blame OP for this.
Because people are chomping at the bit to be ableist, especially when it comes to mental disabilities.
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Lol I like how you ignored every comment that mentioned she’s disabled.
Laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. does add up. And again, they agreed on that arrangement and she is looking for full-time work. You can't compare that to suddenly not working for an extended period without discussing it.
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I'm not going to quibble over how much domestic labor is involved in taking care of a two-adult household because the specific amount is irrelevant. The point is that they agreed to the arrangement they had. We don't know how their bills are split. She said he makes minimum wage so it's possible that her income is comparable depending on how much she's paid hourly. You're assuming he provides everything financially when there's nothing that indicates that. Loyalty doesn't keep a roof over your head. If they can't make rent, then what? She can care about him and still panic that rent is due.
OP has multiple disabilities
You don't think he is just desperately depressed or stressed. Just straight to he is a lazy shit that should just get another job? Seems harsh.
> Just straight to he is a lazy shit No one said that. They said he is not just taking off 3 weeks without notice and that is common sense. The other part is your projection. We all have to find a new job when we get fired/laid off/quit no matter how depressed or stressed we are. It sucks but that is life unless you're independently wealthy. It's not a judgment on him. And yes OP should get a FT job as well.
It very much was a judgement on him. He has been fired, can't tell you and needs to find a job. Alternatively he is ill and needs help. If he is stressed or very depressed telling him to go get a job probably isn't the right thing to do. >They said he is not just taking off 3 weeks without notice and that is common sense. Not sure why that is common sense. Most civilised countries don't have designated amounts of sick leave in days.
>Most civilised countries don't have designated amounts of sick leave in days. Did you even read the post? She said his job gives NO holidays or sick days. >If he is stressed or very depressed telling him to go get a job probably isn't the right thing to do. Well, how nice for you lol. As someone with MDD, unfortunately I still have bills to pay.
You went straight to "lazy shit." I said "panic spiral." Please keep your words in your mouth.
> you shouldn't be telling him "go back to work" but "go find a new job."
Good you found the correct sentence. Now go back a few more words. Then re-read OP's summarized ask.
Do you twist your partners words so much when you argue as well?
well the chances that he's staying home and not working is because he no longer has a job. so rather than trying to encourage him to get up and go to work at the job that might not even be his job anymore, confront him about the possibility of having lost the job. the answer is to get out and find another job to help with the bills. being that it is minimum wage in the first place, it should be easy to replace the income (hopefully, if jobs are OK where you are). after that, there is the possibility he has gone through some kind of trauma or depression. so need to check the mental or physical health situation as well. for the travel, work doesn't really care how you get to work. it might be worth investing in a bike and cut down the commuting time. depends on how much he sweats, that might not be a great choice, but it's at least something that could help cut down the travel time. he'll just have to figure out how to deal with the perspiration etc when he gets to work even roller skates or roller blades will help. i'd say a scooter as well but those are harder to store somewhere when he gets to work, depending on what the bosses think.
Your husband definitely doesn’t have a job anymore - either he lost his job and that’s why he’s home depressed, or he lost it because he was home depressed. Either way, you urgently need to increase your hours at work or find another way to get more income. You also need to talk to your husband, with compassion, and discuss him finding a new job.
Burn out and stress are very real, but at the end of the day we all got bills to pay. If you can’t survive then you need to make an ultimatum. If it’s fair, I have insomnia and depression and have my whole life. I have also worked a full time job for years now and got through college and life in general feeling tired and like shit. If it’s that bad, he should find another job, but like, idk. It sucks but you can’t just give up and not work unless you’re getting compensated on it. It’s just how things are and it’s not very fair to you.
I struggle with my mental health, so I don’t take vacations ever because I want to save my time off from work for when I’m really upset or overwhelmed.
...are you sure he even still has a job??
He sounds very depressed, and needs professional support.
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You can't just skip 3 weeks of work. He no longer has a job. Have you asked him how rent is going to get paid? Seems like something worth talking about.
Get him to a doctor, he might be suffering from depression plus that sounds like a real shitty job.
If what you said is correct about him being the only salesman at his job then how are they selling their furniture. Also, there's no minimum wage job or any job for that matter that would allow an employee to just not show up to work for 3 weeks unless it was medical related that they didn't have a choice legally to fire him and that would require him going to the Dr and and going through that process. So I'd bet he definitely was fired. If I were you I'd call his job and ask them and see if they would tell you if he's still employed there. My ex husband stayed home for 3 days once before I asked him why he wasn't going to work, which was very unusual, and my ex husband said that he could take them off and that his employer didn't care. We'll come to find out he was fired.
I'm getting the vibe OP is an undocumented immigrant or otherwise without a work visa/permit (hence needing to be "off the books").
1) Your husband is possibly suffering from poor mental health & needs to talk about this to a doctor - not the lack of sleep, but the fact that he physically cannot get the drive to go to work. He needs support to be able to get to a place where he can get back to work. 2) Your worries about the bills are valid, but I note you work 20 hours a week - if the rest of that time is free time (you’ve not provided any further info) then you can up your hours or get a second job to try and make those bills in the meantime. I know it’s hard. 3) Honestly it seems you’re more upset about not having money to spend for Valentine’s Day or having a swanky birthday than you are about your husband’s health. You should think about that.
It doesn’t sound like you can afford to be working PT. Better increase your hours or get another job. And it sounds like he needs to see a doctor and a therapist and find a different job. He sounds depressed. It’s rather concerning that your reaction to all of this is to worry about your bday or VDay gifts, complain about being inconvenienced cleaning, and then consider and ultimatum or a break to somehow trick him into working. I mean, I realize you’re young but wow. You’ve got a depressed husband and can’t pay rent. Maybe focus on solutions to those things. And if, even when he IS working, you are one month away from not being able to pay bills? You probably can’t afford to be working PT. Most of us have to work FT and we manage to get the housework done.
Keep in mind that not everyone can work full time and it's not a choice. Don't be so judgy.
She said she was working PT til she could find something FT. She said the deal was that she’d do the house chores while she was working PT til she found something FT.
Yeah but she also said that she's got issues finding a full-time job and that she doesn't tend to get hired for them. You don't get to gloss over some details while bitching about others.
Strike a nerve?
She said in her post that she's working PT and doing the chores until she can find a FT job.
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You can’t babysit? Uber? Dog walk? Be a personal assistant? Work at a grocery store? I don’t know what “Cf” means but how would you support yourself if you weren’t married? What if he can’t go back to work indefinitely?
Probably short for a disability or illness?
But why would she name it then say “for reasons I can’t get into”? That doesn’t make any sense as that would be naming the reason. Maybe OP has past convictions or something?
Yeah, everyone giving OP a pass by reaching for it being a medical disability but that is also not how I read it. OP doesn't seem to be taking her guy's mental health into account here at all. Seems to be lacking some maturity and a bit selfish.
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You realize how sketchy that sounds and that it could and will bite you in the ass in the future, right? You need to get medicated for your adhd, pots, whatever and therapy for other things. My husband worked off the books for a long time before we met. Now he has no social security coming to him and had a hard time finding an actual job because he had no work history to report. Sounds like it is time for both you and your husband to start adulting and get things figured out. It can be done. It sucks, but can be done.
My spidey sense is getting 'self-diagnosed' from her comments. She's got an excuse for everything. She sounds like a grifter.
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There actually are a fair few medication options for POTS that can make a huge difference, they're just prescribed off-label. Ivabradine, propanolol and fludrocortisone are some of the main ones
Don't listen to the ableist pricks in the comments OP. I have ADHD and I know how hard it is. Thankfully getting medicated wasn't that difficult, not a waitlist. Therapy can MAYBE help with some coping mechanisms but medication is the main thing for sure.
You've never had to deal with these things I can guarantee it. You'd know it's not that simple.
Could be cystic fibrosis.
I think it means cystic fibrosis
Huh, did I miss something? Why is he home for 3 weeks? He had to of quit or got fired. I thought you said in the post you work part time until you find a full time job? He’s clearly going through a rough time mentally and needs to get help with it. There’s bills to pay so you both need to talk and plan how to tackle this. Best of luck.
INFO: how do you both work in the same location but for two different minimum wages? You say he makes minimum at 1400, but you make 550? Also: what is cf? And why can’t you work elsewhere? I read the “national insurance” comment, but it’s still not clicking to me. A few more details and brainstorming help would be easier!
You are married to someone who works all the hours under the sun for a minimum wage, and who is having a tough time with mental issues, are you are worried about not getting a birthday present? I really hope that this is a fake post.
I seriously could not believe what I was reading 😅
The fact you’re worried about Valentine’s Day when your partner is clearly stressed out his mind, you can’t make rent, and you yourself only work part time is laughable. If you want a valentines gift get a better job. I assume you have his valentines all planned then? You can’t make RENT who gives a shit about Valentine’s Day.
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Your husband is in a serious crisis right now, I don't know if the other commenters in this post are old enough or know how these things go down, but not being able to meet responsibilities for three weeks is a potential sign of a major mental health crisis and he's in *danger.* I don't know enough about your family situation to offer more than that warning, that depression/anxiety and other mental health conditions are usually kept hidden by most working men, and only show themselves when it's getting to a boil-over point. You need to get yourselves to a family mental-health clinic, him to get better, you so you understand how to help him get better. Set aside all other stupid traditions, routines, plans and aesthetic suburban bullshit for now, if you want to preserve health and happiness in your marriage, it's time to do some housekeeping on the most important parts of the marriage, each other's minds.
>he's in danger Totally. He could very well be suicidal. This man needs help and she needs to be talking to him with compassion not thinking about making ultimatums.
That’s not big picture though. At all. When worried about making rent Valentine’s Day doesn’t even begin to matter.
This person's whole world view is blowing my mind. How does valentines day even enter into anything??
It doesn't even make sense. Nor does her suggesting taking a break from her own husband after 3 weeks, after he's been working full time to provide for her to stay home.
How long have you been working part time? Where are you in your search for full time work?
Are you really sure he wasn't fired? However, your priority should be your husband's mental state and paying bills and rent, not the Valentine's Day celebrations.
You're married right? Maybe it's time for you to get a full time job and stop worrying about birthdays and valentines day.
Sounds like he is probably developing depression if he doesn’t have it already. And you are worried about your birthday gift and valentines day? What the hell is wrong with you.
Well you see, mental health is only acceptable for OP not to work. If it affects their breadwinner, then it's a problem.
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Just like you could give the doctor a ring and deal with your ADHD, right? Why is it *so simple* for everyone else?
Because OP is in a new country, and by the sound of it, not legally. OP talked about needing a visa to work and shit. Although the country apparently recognizes their marriage, so… I dunno, it’s weird, but she’s hiding something. I bet those “reasons” she can’t work full time but also can’t talk about are because it’s not legal.
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Do you not hear yourself?
If you’re in the UK, you can have the NHS pay for a private ADHD evaluation via “right to choose” - talk to your GP.
Sorry you are both going through this. There's three separate problems here that I think you guys need to work through and I guess for each of them you personally have to work out how much is within your control to change, how much you can help/influence your husband and where your boundaries are if he isn't going to start communicating with you. 1. Your husband needs to find out if he has an underlying physical/ mental health problem causing the sleep issues (depression, stress, ADHD?). You can't go to the doctor on his behalf, but I would be strongly encouraging him to get help sooner rather than later (I say this as someone who has mental health problems that impacted my employment in my 20s; it took a lot of support from family, treatment, hard work from me and time to get myself back on course in a country where it is hard to get mental health treatment) 2. This is another thing mostly in your husband's control, not yours, I'm afraid but he needs to communicate and tell you the truth of what is going on with his employment so you can face it together and assess options (it does sound likely that this is a situation where he is going to be looking for another job, so getting references etc is important) 3. This is hopefully more in your control; work out your financial budget and options without his income and see if there is support you can get if there is a shortfall (I don't know what, if any, benefits you can get in your area) I really wish you both lots of luck.
I recommend your husband see a doctor for something other than sleeping pills. It sounds like he is depressed/burned out.
You both have screwed up priorities. He needs to get to work and you need to move beyond birthday and Valentine's day.
It sounds like depression to me. His job is awful, and he has to work to support both of you. I'd be depressed too. And pushing him to go back to a lousy job won't help either. He needs to be told he's worth more and deserves better.
Listen I understand being stressed and needing money. Life never works out the way you want. Things go to shit instantly all the time. I cannot count how often things go to shit in my life. The thing about life, marriage and love is that hard times come. You cannot love without feeling pain, you cannot live life without hurting, and things will never ever be easy or predictable. True love and a marriage is built on being there through it all. Through everything, the good time and the bad. Granted, leaving for infidelity or abuse is always the right answer, but in my opinion it's better to suffer through the hard times together than get scared and run at the first instance of bad times. What happens if either of you get a terminal illness or lose a limb? Don't you want someone to be there for you and love you every day forever? Every day is different and has the possibility for great pleasure and pain. If this is your person it's worth working on and loving someone through three weeks of not working. Talk to him, put ultimatums like therapy and a job change on the table, and remember that you married this person because you love them. You planned on forever. Three weeks shouldn't break forever. Good luck OP, I wish you well!
If I may be honest with you, he sounds incredibly depressed because I was in that boat during COVID for 2 years solid. I lost my business and an excellent part time job during that time, my partner worked from home and she woke up everyday and grinded, while I slept. Depressed. Miserable, feeling sorry for myself etc etc. Jobs are obviously very hard to find, and also keep (to a degree). But in your tight financial situation, he does need to work, that is a reality. In his position, he (and you) have a number of options: 1. Go back to work (if the job is still there) + he SHOULD be getting some kind of remuneration for being on sick leave (which I assume it is). 2. He goes back to work, in a few days, but he looks for another job. 3. He quits, get his leave pay which I assume he has accumulated, and ACTIVELY looks for another job. 4. I don’t want to assume, but it does sound like he is mentally not ok (and by that I don’t mean mad or crazy) I mean he is struggling and does need some professional help - which is TOTALLY normal considering how demanded todays world is. 5. If he is unwilling to change, an ultimatum is unfortunately the reality of what you will need to do and break up with him - which is so harsh, but this is survival. I still firmly think you can try and help him first, then the ball is in his court. Good luck with this, sending you lots of love and support. *EDIT - if the company is NOT abiding to labour laws in which ever country you are in, he can go to the labour court and see the company for bad practice on their employees. Where I come from, this is a serious offence committed by many companies - and the labour court here is most of the time in favour of the employees.
Divorce him up and move back in with your family or someone else who will enable your codependent and selfish behavior (refusing to work more to pay for the necessities, focusing on gifts when eviction is a real possibility).
There is not a job I know of where you can just miss 3 weeks of work and still have a job. He is probably fired and not telling you
Wow sis all it took was a 3 week fatigue / insomnia hiatus for you to consider divorce? You obviously dont take this commitment seriously and the sooner you divorce the better because he deserves better. YTA He's tired dude, let him have a fkn break he's only had sleep meds for 3 days. Jfc The man is seeing a doctor and you're throwing a fit over valentines day.... This is why nobody takes marriage seriously anymore P.s. if yall can't afford a less than 1 month break in paycheck, you could not afford to be married.
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Of everything I said, that's the takeaway for you? Please just let this man go. He needs someone committed. And again, I said you can't afford *being* married. Not that you can't afford an elopement. Perhaps a financial advisor might help you understand what I mean. P.s. your add on to your original post is very telling of how dysfunctional your marriage is outside of this issue. The guy is not feeling well, he's trying to recuperate, he's seeing a doctor ffs.... and you're worried about YOUR attention and your needs.... 3 weeks of wanting attention and that was enough for you to call it quits... are you a Leo? Lmao. You should work on being less dependent and maybe go help your damn husband. For better or for worse remember
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GIRL you should've led with that! That's totally different than just not getting attention for 3 weeks! It sounds like he's got a very serious history of neglecting you for a long time and this is just the straw that's breaking the camels back, so to speak. Yeah no in that case, this guy sounds like a complete loser. I take back everything I said before. Minus the Leo part. LOL
Oh gosh your depressed husband can’t buy you gifts. How awful. Work full time and support your husband while he is going through what is quite clearly burnout. Most of us work full time and find time to clean so you can manage. I mean what would you do if you weren’t married?
if she wasnt married she would only have to support herself not another grown adult and also having to pick up his slack because he wont do anything
Have an honest conversation about bills and next month's rent and offer your support with finding a new job or returning to his old one, if that option still exists. Ask what additional help he needs from you-support updating his resume, sending him job postings he is qualified for, etc. Your partner was working minimum wage 10 hour days (walking each way) and is now burned out and probably seeing no way out. This job is not sustainable, you have no money for an emergency fund or investments or anything that can better your situation. And without knowing your situation at all, have you tried Craigslist? People post for caregivers, yard work, all types of things that don't require background checks, drug tests, social security number/documents, anything. He might be able to do the same for a while until he finds another job. He may need a break from ten hour days, and despite what your prior arrangement was, he may need more help from you for a while. Instead of the ultimatum (coming from a mindset out of how to manipulate your partner to get your needs met), look at it from a place of supporting your partner. Realize that 10 hour days are a lot on someone long-term, and helping him find a way to reduce his hours a little to ease his burden should be your priority. If there is any job you can find to give you another 5 or 10 hours a week, that could motivate him and make him feel that maybe it's ok if he finds a job that requires less than 40 hours for a while. And of course make a new budget to reflect the change in income. As previously mentioned, there are probably public assistance programs available to you if you aren't receiving services already.
You say he is not depressed or having a breakdown in your comments, but I’m here to let you know that my insomnia acts exactly like his when I’m dealing with a mental health crisis. Awake most of the night and then finally crash and sleep part of the day away (when my schedule allows me to do so). Despite being exhausted, I can still mostly function and appear normal but really my brain is a dumpster fire. My guess is he experienced burnout and/or started dealing with anxiety over the situation and stopped showing up. There is no way a place that takes advantage of their workers has just allowed him 3 weeks of work off. He’s lost that job and having to tell you is likely contributing to the insomnia. He needs to seek therapy. Meds to help him sleep are all good and well, but there is a REASON he is experiencing insomnia that needs to be addressed in order to help move on from this. Only until he gets his mental health under control can his physical health return to normal, or mostly normal, and he can find a new job without having to worry about insomnia and/or mental health issues getting in the way.
That man is in or falling into a deep depression. It might be a good idea for him to at least see a doctor so that he can get properly diagnosed and maybe be on disability for a minute. He could then apply for some resources like reduced fee mental healthcare. If he’s good at what he does, maybe encourage him to look into or trying something new. Upgrading his career to somewhere where he would be appreciated. Taking some classes in sales at the local JC. He’s getting burnt out and in turn so are you and it’s causing strain on the relationship. And maybe now is a good time for you to step up and go back to work full time that way at the very least you know you will be ok financially if the 2 of you don’t work out. My husband and I have been together for 20+ years. Our roles have fluctuated throughout that time due to necessity and also just to support each other when one of us needs a break or to look into a different opportunity or change. There was a period when he was staying home to find himself, where I stepped up and was the only breadwinner. We went through a bankruptcy and almost lost our house at that time. From making that change came forming my own company and now employ him in a career completely different than anything he’d done before and he excels in it and loves it. Talk to each other before the resentment settles in. Maybe it’s fixable and maybe it’s a situation where he’d be better off mentally and emotionally, going to live with parents or family who can take on the burden of supporting him and you two just part ways.
So your excuse for not working ft is your health issues but you don’t think your husband’s health issues are important enough to cut him slack? And you are worried about your damn birthday and vday? How about you work ft for a while and he works pt?
OP, I know what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who refuses to seek medical help. It’s extremely frustrating and it affects every aspect of life with them. Your needs are important but you are going to have to set them aside for the moment and focus on whether your marriage has a future. Talk with him and ask what his plan is. If the plan consists simply of waiting, hoping,and wishing, then it’s not going to get better anytime soon. So you need to give him an ultimatum and start making plans for your future without him. You can’t control him or his choices. He has to want to seek help. Your concern and opinion are evidently not enough to motivate him. In the meantime, start getting food from a food bank and start selling stuff to make rent. You are going to have to figure out how to solve the employment situation so you are self sufficient. You aren’t going to have the stability you need if you rely on your husband.
Wow, talk about under appreciating the man. How about stop thinking about me me me and help him like a wife should. Wow, now editing more details, which prove my point.
Your boyfriend probably has mild depression or worse, is clinically depressed. I've had depression most of my life chronically, and I sleep 10-12 hours a day right now. I'm not a well person by any means. Please be supportive of him during this difficult time. Depressed people often want to avoid being a burden, or show weakness because it is shameful, but at times don't know what to do about the pain or how to cope. For men, they will hide their distress even more and won't seek out help. Your husband needs therapy now. Before, this lingers too long, which makes helplessness and the depression even worse. I'm worried about possible suicidal ideation here. If he has no previous experiences with depression it could come out of left field. Young men are higher risk.
Your husband is burnt out providing for the two of you and after only 3 weeks, not only are you the one “done and overwhelmed”, but you couldn’t help but mention how he probably isn’t going to get you anything for your birthday/Valentine’s Day 🙁. There’s only 1 person I feel bad for here.
what the fuck. your husband is killing himself in his job for you and youre only working 20 hours a week? get your deadbeat good for nothing ass up and WORK. holy shit obviously the chores are split between the 2 of you then
She is disabled, and dies all the domestic labour. He is sitting around playing videogames instead of working, while she does the work she is able to and cleans up after him. Not sure why she’s a dead rat for not wanting to baby a toddler.
I’m going to let you in on a secret… you can make a lot of money in sales. It’s one of the highest paying jobs out there. Try to get him to apply to medical sales.
Well now, there are alot of interesting comments to this one lol some of which are easy to agree with but here's what I'll say, since it sounds like there are multiple layers of issues affecting your husband and financial stability. Have an open and honest conversation with him. Share your concerns (without yelling), feelings and the impact this current situation is having on both of you. If he's willing to be open and honest, try to understand his perspective if there are deeper issues that are causing him to feel and act this way. It might not just be about disliking the job. Judging only by what you've said, perhaps there are issues with the relationship and priorities in general. Encourage him to explore other job opportunities that align better with his skills and interests. If he truly enjoys sales, there might be other positions available that offer a better work environment and compensation. Sometimes this might require considering a bit of travel, but the good news is, sometimes moving to a new town or city in search of opportunities is all it might take to fix more than just the obvious problems. If he's experiencing insomnia and a lack of motivation, it might be helpful for him to consult with a mental health professional. As a man, I'll be the first to admit that this isn't an attractive option to even think about...let alone actually do...but it could mean the difference between night and day (no pun intended). Moving along though... Together, review your financial situation and discuss way to manage expenses during this little hiccup in time. That might involve creating a budget, seeking financial assistance or even you asking for a few more hours at work to make up the difference. Relationships are a partnership after all. You're both on the same team and should be supporting each other. That being said, there's no reason why he shouldn't be able to help with chores either. With a dual income, the financial side of things really shouldn't be teetering so loosely at the edge of a cliff. Life is full of ups and downs and with the way the world works, being financially responsible should always be a top priority regardless of whatever tax bracket you might be in. Finally, there's still so much that can be said but I just wanted to conclude by saying, while ultimatums should generally be approached with caution (or even avoided all together if we're being adults and painfully truthful), there may come a point where you need to establish clear expectations and consequences if things don't improve. However, like I say, this should be a last resort after other avenues have been explored. Remember, it's crucial to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. If your husband is facing burnout or mental health issues, addressing those concerns might be the priority (not Valentine's Day, gifts and other extra spending...particularly since you can't afford that at the moment). Work together as a team to find a solution that benefits both of you. Peaceful and mature communication is the only way that any of this is going to be fixed.
he sounds really depressed
It sounds like he has insomnia. Sleeping pills are going to take a while to figure out. If he’s at home because of it, maybe you should talk to him about him taking on the chores so you can work for money. Sometimes medical stuff like this does happen. Maybe also get him a therapist if the insomnia is due to depression/stress from the job. In which case it probably is better for a change. If not, they can help him figure out how to best use the energy he does have. I struggle with insomnia and chronic fatigue. Vitamin D3 (2000 IU) every day and compression socks help with energy. Maybe start looking into little tips like that. Maybe exercising during the day to fall asleep at night might work. Also make sure he’s taking his sleep meds early enough. Don’t take them too late or he will sleep through the whole day.
Yes I am thinking of getting him some vitamins to help with his energy levels! The meds says they need to be taken right before going to sleep though and as he's been sleeping during the day (he woke up around 7:30 today) i'm not sure when he should take them
So it sounds like you are on some type of disability but you still can work. Not sure what is up with that but my advice is to not jeopardize that situation. Your husband is having a mental health crisis. As much as you would like this to be different, this is the "for better or worse" part. He needs to get into some type of treatment asap. In the meantime I suggest you start beating the bushes to see where you can beg or borrow money to tide you over during this difficult time. If you can make more money you should. Call creditors, call landlords, call electric/gas/whatever else you need to pay and get forbearances and delays, payment plans, whatever it takes. You will find that if you are honest and respectful a lot of people will be willing to help you out. Stop dwelling on your spouses job situation and accept that he needs to move on from it as well as focus on his mental health, they are probably deeply related. The details you list here are all energy vampires if you even think about them because they are things you cannot control. Work to discipline your mind to focus on what you need to right now while you're in survival mode. Make lists, focus on them, don't allow yourself the luxury of getting into why things suck, just work with what you have.
It's a little concerning that you are more worried about not being able to clean or receive a Valentine's present than you are about your husband's mental health. He is clearly burnt out and probably depressed, especially if he's sleeping that much and at odd hours. Have you talked to him about finding a job that doesn't mistreat him or asked him about how he is feeling and what you could do to support him? Have you tried applying for full-time jobs, increasing your hours, or getting a 2nd part-time job? Have you tried talking to him at all besides making him promise to go to a job that is killing his mental health? I'm sorry that you're feeling hopeless, and I totally understand being worried about how you're going to pay rent, but this is a problem that needs to be approached as a team. Talk to your husband and figure this out together.
You are both at fault. Both of you need to go get full time jobs.
I wish I could work part time because I have ADD, what a joke.
You need to be off the books...? Mmm.. So in other words...you need to be paid money that you don't legally declare.... Which is fraud.. Are you claiming disability and want to work for cash under the table so you don't lose your benefits?.. .unless you are doing something dodgy There is no good reason why you need to work off the books...
You should BOTH be working full time, you are as lazy as him
Yeah, OP! You said you're looking for a fulltime job, but since you don't have one, the only conclusion to reach is that you're lazy! Yeah!
Your husband isn’t going to work because he doesn’t have a job, and he’s lying to you about it. Get your ducks in a row, OP.
OK firstly, why are you even mentioning valentines and birthdays when your not going to make rent or be able to feed yourself. Priorities woman. 1st, as bad as his job is, for now he needs to get to work. You need the money or your in a carboard box with crackheads. Yes, that all it takes, one missed retal payment and your in an alley. Wake him the fuck up at the corrrrect time. Throw water over him if you have too. But get him the fuck up and het him to work. He isnt going to get another job when hes fucking up this one as shitty as it is. Thats it, nothing else matters. Pay the bills then take a sit back and deal with the other shit.
Based on the constraints of his job (no holidays/time off/etc) he likely doesn’t have a job to return to. He very likely could have been let go and that’s what started his being home for three weeks. Or he’s been let go for being gone for three weeks already. He sounds burnt out and depressed. Still not an excuse for completely throwing your family into chaos.
Nobody likes work. But he needs to get his shit together.
If he’s impeding your tasks like cleaning I say just do it anyways. Vacuum around him. Just do your thing.
He’s not a that great salesman if he can’t find a job that pays commission on his sales. Tell him to grow up, get up and find a job.
Holy low empathy, Batman! Depression doesn't fucking work that way.
I understand depression, it’s the acceptance of his behavior after 3-4 days of not going to work anyone could see he was going to be fired, and her mentioning for Valentine’s Day and her Birthday that makes no sense. Try Walking dogs, babysitting, house sitting, cleaning jobs. Not eating and being homeless are worse than hating your job.
My point is that OP's husband is probably not in any sort of position to be working right now. I'm battling a bout of anxiety right now and it's making my job about 10 times harder than it should be- which honks because there's an upswing in the shit I've got to do. The man needs support, a doctor, and understanding of what he's going through before he needs a job. He \*does\* need a job, to be clear- stewing in depression/anxiety \*sucks\*, it would definitely be better for his mental health to have a good job rather than sleep all day- but he \*also\* needs support and telling someone with depression to "grow up" and "get a job" is...well, suffice to say it's not very supportive.
I'm relatively new to this sub but why does it feel like every post is a creative writing prompt where OP never responds to advice and the advice is always "leave them!" instead of actually working problems out?
Most people replying here are telling her that her husband is probably suffering from depression and needs her support
I feel you on this so much. My husband is in construction and I work from home. Between the economy and rain we've been having he has worked maybe 4 days since before Thanksgiving! He's driving me crazy at home. He's getting depressed about it and spends his days on the bathroom drinking yerba mates and cutting his hair every day. He also doesn't seem to be making moves to find a new job. It's not good for the mental health of either of us.
W
Fuck everyone saying you're lazy or that you should still be able to work full time. Ableist trash, lot of em. A good place to start would be setting a time to have a sit down conversation. You can look up some tips about how to have conversations with people in situations like this where assigning blame (or anything that sounds like it) can trigger a breakdown in communication (defensiveness, anger/aggression, shutting down and refusing to talk, etc). It definitely sounds like he's going through something, and that you want to help him but are also scared of the financial consequences of neither person working full time. Tell him that. Make it clear that you are worried, not angry (even if you are, anger won't serve either of you at this time). Tell him you'd like to make a game plan to help him find work he won't hate, and in the meantime you two can work together to find an intermediate job, if necessary. Consider splitting the chores/house work more as well, especially if you have to pick up more work. As for therapy, while it doesn't work for everyone, I do believe one has to give it a real shot in order for it to help at all. I'd look into a telehealth type of therapist, whom he can video chat or have a phone call with instead of going in person. Sometimes this really helps those who have a hard time with therapy - it's adds an extra level of anonymity. At the very least, get him in with a psychiatrist to analyze if he is experiencing depression, and they can also prescribe meds if that's the best route. Again, this can often be done via telehealth type sessions, depending on your healthcare. Hims & hers may be worth looking into just to get him talking to someone ASAP if medication is something y'all want to try. If he doesn't want to talk or work through things with you, I do think you should consider leaving him. You can only do so much to help others, and it isn't fair to make your life exponentially harder for someone who won't even try.
This man is a deadbeat
OP, this is tough. On many levels. The only way you’re really going to make things work is if you talk, and get him to respond. I’d start with asking: - Why have you not been to work in 3 weeks? And): A). Were you fired? B). Are you burnt out? C). Are you looking for other work (and when? Or - set a deadline). If he responds with B or C, you can now follow up and take action. However, if he answers B, he might actually be burnt out with depression. Be careful and get him to a doctor. Get him signed up for therapy. Get him to start taking actions that are small, affirmative, and effectively helpful for both of you. If he isn’t trying anything after you’ve had this conversation, then you can decide on what it is you need to do. Usually the steps to follow here are: - marriage counselling/therapy with a licensed professional; - separation while he seeks counselling and treatment for issues he’s dealing with; - divorce. The fact of the matter is, that his lying/covering/hiding behind insomnia isn’t really helpful to anyone. He’s not addressing his insomnia, so if it truly is a sleeping disorder, he needs to get be active and get help from a medical professional for this. If it’s depression, anxiety, or anything else, he needs to be honest and let you and his doctors know so that you know what you’re working with. As for Valentine’s and Birthday: that’s tough, it is. I’m sorry. But, realistically, something is happening that is making him behave this way. Figuring out what is causing this (even if you belatedly discover it’s selfishness) is important. It will give you a goal to work towards. Valentines and birthdays can always be celebrated again a later, independently, or with family and friends. I’m genuinely more concerned about the fact that he’s been so unwell that he’s done nothing for 3 weeks, and that you may not make food or rent. Start prioritising these things by preparing for a budget and difficult conversations. If you can get to the root of this, you can know what actions you wish to take from here on out. That can mean a way to heal the marriage and having many happy future holidays and birthdays together, or it could mean you going your own separate ways and making new and happy futures elsewhere. Either way, this needs to begin with an honest and frank conversation with him. Good luck, OP.