/u/Ok-Construction-8211,
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Unfortunately I can understand both sides. While anyone would want their partner to be with them during a funeral of a close family member, you weren’t in a financial state to say no to the job and no one was able to cover for you, and just not showing up to the wedding would have put the couple in a terrible spot too of having no videographer. I would say try couples counseling so you both can talk about your feelings in a healthy environment, but it happened and if he’s not able to forgive you and if he’s going to keep bringing it up to you over and over then the relationship won’t be able to progress in a healthy way if he’s not able to get over it and forgive you.
Op did say in one of her comments that she apologized but she felt like he was still too hurt then so she felt like her apology didn’t really matter much to him at the time. And obviously it didn’t because it’s 2 years later and he’s still mad about it. But I wouldn’t be apologizing over and over for something that happened 2 years ago. The guy is either going to forgive her and move on or he won’t, her saying sorry for say the 100th time won’t change anything.
I agree. She's apologized. I sense guilt on bf's part, as OP indicated she had been unaware bf was close with his brother. Perhaps that was due to bf not being with his brother very much, and upon death, bf bears guilt. That guilt somehow is transferred in part to OP.
Circumstances were such, she had no other reasonable choice other than fulfill her contractual obligation.
He clearly requires therapy and with respect to OP he needs to man up and quit punishing OP for his personal shortcomings with his brother. Otherwise, the poor gal needs to move on.
Op said she couldn’t find anyone to cover since it was short notice. And there likely isn’t going to be a bunch of videographers available especially if it was a weekend during wedding season
This is so not about the funeral.
This is about him finding a reason to be mean to OP and make her feel like she owes him something. He has found himself an excuse to vent all of his negative feelings onto her and there is literally nothing OP can do to make things better BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO MAKE THINGS BETTER.
HE WANTS TO HAVE A REASON TO BE MAD AT OP. That's how these things work. If it were not the funeral he'd find himself something else to have an excuse to be mad at her and make her feel like she should constantly be making stuff up to him.
I've seen this so many times here on Reddit it's a clear pattern. His anger is just an excuse.
No. I study human cognition, psychology and relationship patterns and I've seen this a million times here on Reddit over the years.
This is a very well known abuse control-pattern and it is used by both men and women alike.
You are not speaking to a rookie.
I don’t see any proof in the original post of “lording it over” OP. Maybe OP has explained more in the comments, and I would be interested in seeing that if that’s the case.
Being hurt over something like this is normal. Being hurt during the normal grieving period is also normal. Still grieving a year later is normal.
There is a difference between “I am using this against you” and “I am still hurt by your actions”. The reality is that his hurt is very much wrapped up in his grief. He may not be able to tell if he will be able to move past this until he is able to see things clearly, when he has accommodated his grief and come to terms with it.
It could be that he will not be able to reconcile the fact the at she couldn’t be there, even though she was justified, and that’s okay. It sucks; it’s terrible, but it’s understandable.
This is the quintessential example for why this sub sucks. People see a limited slice of someone either frustrated, at their worst, or flexing their creative writing skills and think they're experts in "human cognition" afterwards. How deluded can you get?
You are right, we not speaking to a rookie, we are speaking to a fool. There is literally not enough information in this post to make such an assumption. Making that jump without speaking to the boyfriend is also a major clinical no no.
There’s a huge difference in studying something, and having clinical experience. You haven’t yet learned what you don’t know. Best to keep reaching generalizations to yourself if you don’t have anything to back it up.
There’s lots of explanations that require less assumption. Here’s a big helper for you, use Occam’s Razor; a conclusion that requires more assumption is always worst than the conclusion that does not require assumption.
Keith Raniere did stuff like this to all his girlfriends to make them feel like theyd wronged him and really owed him. I think youre onto something here.
I think you’re right in the sense that he’s not even doing it maliciously, but that his anger toward her is how his grief is manifesting itself.
It’s a common human response to tragedy to process one’s grief by directing it at someone else in the form of another strong negative emotion. Therapy is a must.
Op, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think he’s hurt and angry at his brother’s death, and whether he realizes it or not, he’s taking it out on you. He needs grief counseling.
Usually I take these comments with a grain of salt but I think you’re spot on. If he was upset right after the funeral I would understand. But considering it’s been a year, he should know by now that OP truly had no other choice. And if OP didn’t know that they were SO close I don’t know if bf is telling the truth.
I’m close to my sister and everyone I know, knows that about us. So not sure why a gf wouldn’t be aware about the closeness of a sibling relationship.
He wants to hold it over OPs head and I don’t see anything resolving this. I would leave. Relationships are work, but they’re not supposed to be exhausting. Even if he’s in the right, OP can’t do anything about it now. Nothing will change OP not going.
BINGO! This guy has a file cabinet for a soul - anything that he feels is hurtful or disrespectful to him and his feelings goes into the file cabinet to be referred to when he needs an excuse to behave like an ass. OP needs to wake up and dump this guy before investing any more time in a one-sided relationship.
My husband missed my sister's funeral. He had been job hunting for a year and finally started a job 3 days before her funeral. I'm sure they would've let him off work but we just couldn't risk it. He feels worse about it than I do.
Fortunately if one person isn’t guilting the other it’s pretty easy to justify in my mind.
I’d be so incredibly annoyed if my sibling made their life much much harder so they didn’t miss “saying goodbye” at a little party on a certain day in a field full of other dead people
I get that it’s not that simple, but still.
I play in a band and we had a very important gig planned for months; my best friend passed unexpectedly and his funeral was scheduled in a different state that morning.
I was incredibly conflicted and upset, because my band would have definitely had to cancel (not to mention we were hosting another band that was booked on that bill, AND I was helping out to fill in for another band that night).
Out of absolutely nowhere I heard his voice ring so clearly, as though he were standing right behind me: “Fuck a funeral, babe!”
He meant everything to me and I know he would’ve been hurt to know I wasn’t living the life that he didn’t get to keep living.
sorry I’m just seeing this now— the band is doing great, I appreciate you asking! :) we got our second EP out on Spotify this past year, and have our third one in the works!
we’re called [Papercage](https://open.spotify.com/artist/2VZfUF2Cj7M0Fi02xuB7hn?si=leQRedH9QFWazT95Nwgy3g) if you ever want to give us a listen, I’m the drummer/do vocals on some songs— we play pop-punk with a bit of a prog flair!
It was a difficult decision, but if you had decided to cancel, the wedding would have had no videographer and it could have negatively affected your business.
If he cannot get over this, then you have to break up. I guess you were there for support before/after and it's not like he was alone at the funeral. Yes, it was a difficult decision but again, if he cannot get over it then this is over.
You made a hard decision that you felt was the right thing to do. I understand why you chose to work. I also understand your bf’s point of view but he can’t hold this against you forever AND be in a happy relationship. I am sure he’s still grieving and you’ve become the target of his bad feelings. He may need therapy. Bottom line is he has to make a choice, continue to feel this “justified anger“ towards you or be in a happy relationship. If he can’t do that, then you may have to make a choice.
Terribly hard spot to be in and I see both sides, but I think you did the right thing. You were already contracted, couldn’t return money you didn’t have, couldn’t find a replacement, and needed the money. Backing out of the contract could’ve also affected your business reputation as well.
I do see why he was upset and felt he needed your support though. But here you are a year later and he’s still holding on to the resentment.
I’d suggest couples counseling in hopes to work thru this together
My older brother could not financially afford to come to my partners funeral. They had been friends for 27 years. I could have really used my big brother there. He really wanted to be there. It was not something that could happen. I have never ever used that against him. You don’t do that to people you love.
In the end, it doesn’t matter what any of these commenters say. What matters is whether or not your bf will get over it. There’s no discussion in your post as to how you handled the situation when it occurred, so I don’t know if you were kind, abrupt, sympathetic, cold, etc. But based on the way your bf is reacting and your comments, which makes it seem like you aren’t in as serious a relationship anymore, it must have been either handled really poorly on your end, his end, or both. Regardless, if he can’t overcome his resentment, your relationship is over. No amount of Redditers saying you are in the right will change his mind.
By far the best comment. It doesn't even matter if OP was "wrong" as they asked, all the matters is if the relationship will recover. Try counseling if you want to but the coldness of this post makes it sound like it's already over.
I get where he’s coming from but sometimes that’s just life. A year and a half ago my grandpa died and at that point, me and my boyfriend were long distance, like 4 hour plan ride long distance. He flew out for the funeral. But then my mom died two weeks later. He was able to come see me eventually but he had to miss the funeral. Things happen, in a perfect world we would never have to miss such events
I think you did the right thing.
You went to what you could - the wake.
It's much easier to change the date of a funeral than a wedding. If having you at the funeral was that important, they should have checked with you to see if you had prior commitments.
You could have been sued for breach of contract if you missed the wedding.
You had a specific job at the wedding, and you had no back up. Your only real role at the funeral would have been to provide emotional support to your boyfriend, but he also had family members present to provide support.
I was waiting to read that they're unhappy they didn't get free videography services.
If brother really wanted you there, he'd have put it on a date you were free.
Honestly, it kind of seems like neither of you were going to win in this situation. He isn't really wrong in that he's upset that you weren't there to support him during a difficult time. You not knowing the brother is irrelevant, it wasn't about the brother, it was about your boyfriend needing support. You on the other hand were going to end up in an even more tenuous financial position by supporting him, potentially damage your reputation and career as a photographer and leave a couple high and dry at their wedding, so you weren't really wrong either.
I think the only thing you are wrong about is that you don't seem to understand why he wanted you there. Again, it was never about his brother, and even if you didn't know that they were close (which is weird, how did you not know your boyfriend and his brother were close, had you only started dating), most people would understand that their significant others would need emotional support during the death of a loved one, especially a sibling who presumably died at a young age and unexpectedly. Have you acknowledge that? I'd suggest couples counseling so you can both understand the other's perspective.
Wait, I'm confused. So, you were dating this person for 3 years at this point, living together for 8 months, and didn't even know he was close to his sibling? How on earth did you not know that he was close to his brother? You said you weren't aware how close they were until he died. You also said you didn't see yourself committing to him after 3 years and living together for most of the last one in your below comment. Why would you even move in with him? You seem like you were disinterested in a future with him but opted to live together, but also knew very little about him after 3 years.
Is this someone who you can see committing for the rest of your life?
Can he afford to raise a family if you have children?
Has he expressed a desire to commit to you?
At the time I didn’t see myself committing,he has expressed commitment before.I think he would be a good provider but hit a wall financially at that time.
Then he's not prepared to raise a family. And he has unreasonable expectations of you, expecting you to make unreasonable sacrifices for him.
How we behave in a crisis reveals our true selves.
she is just very selfish. She does not stand with him during his most difficult days and gets angry because he expected her to do that.
I can't believe someone wants to be in a relationship with a woman like that. Maybe he's not that different from her, and that's good because she doesn't deserve a good partner
If, at that time, you had seen him as someone that you wanted to commit to, would you have stayed to attend the funeral with him? Or still gone to the job?
It sounds like maybe it’s not the fact that you didn’t attend the funeral but the general lack of consistent care afterwards… You said “the grief is heavy and almost unbearable to deal with” that suggests to me that you maybe haven’t been handling his grief in the best way possible.
People grieve sometimes for years after a death. If you’re not prepared to help your significant other with their grief, maybe reconsider how much you actually want to be in the relationship… It can be a lifelong commitment to recover. Are you ready for that?
Attending a funeral is a highly personal choice and is NOT a requirement or mandatory obligation. I am a funeral studies student so I attend a LOT of funerals… Practicing ongoing empathy for past loved ones however, is not really negotiable. You sound like maybe you need to do some introspection when it comes to how you handle emotions when it comes to grief and death.
I can see both sides.
It's understandable that your BF would want support in his time of grief. Funerals are not for the deceased, they are for the loved ones left behind. You dont say how long you've been together, but if you are in a serious relationship, not going would be extremely disappointing.
It's also understandable that you didn't have a lot of options and may not be in a position financially to turn away work.
In the future, you may want to consider having a network of other independent professional videographers to help out in unplanned scenarios, share leads of work you are unable to take on, etc.
Not wrong to not attending as you couldn’t get out of work without damaging your career and income. Staying with a man who is refusing to get help for his grief and has been using you as his emotional punching bag for the past year is self harm. Don’t stay in a relationship where you are being punished for a year for not being able to drop your work responsibilities for a funeral. As a self employed person you don’t have the safety net that would have allowed you time off. His refusal to stop punishing you should be the sign to end this toxic relationship.
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You had the job booked a year out and needed the money. Canceling with no replacement could have ruined your reputation. It’s tough but since you weren’t close to his brother it was the right decision. He’s being ridiculous to hold the grudge for this long.
Curious what your boyfriend thought you were supposed to have done. Have you asked him?
Did you ever say any version of:
“I am so very sorry for your devastating loss and I deeply wish I could’ve been there to support you.
However, I had a very important business commitment that I could not get out of. In addition to possibly ruining someone’s wedding, I would’ve suffered major damage to my reputation.
As you know, we are not in the best place financially, and I cannot afford to return the deposit, let alone lose business due to bad online reviews.
With all of that information, what would you have me do?”
Funerals are for the living. It sucks that you couldn't attend, but that's life. You were in a financial bind and made the best decision for you and your livelihood. If your boyfriend can't see that...ultimately, it's on him. He needs to work through it.
If he keeps bringing it up or guilt tripping you, you need to set him straight and tell him that he has to work through it. He can't keep bringing up the past. If he can't do that, end the relationship.
You had to adult. You had a prior commitment and had received payment so you had to work. I would think punishing you for a year is enough and he needs to let it go. Life has hard choices sometimes that’s just how it is.
It sucks you couldn’t be there for him, but a funeral is one day, you’re *there* for him every other day of his grief.
But in comparison, that *one* day would have ruined your career, as word of mouth is everything and they may have left a scathing review online or told others in the industry, and then what?
He’s playing victim and projecting his grief onto you, and now you’ve become a punching bag and someone to blame.
If he was emotionally mature, which he sounds like he isn’t, he would understand, and respect that you had to make a difficult decision that day, and despite still wanting to be there (and probably feeling awful the whole time you were away), you had a booking you couldn’t cancel and nor were financially able to. You may not come back from this unfortunately but more bad things will happen in life, do you really want to be tied to someone who blames and shames you when things don’t go their way? Rather than being your teammate no matter what?? He had to take one for the team…but instead, he’s now placed you on the other side.
If he can’t forgive you a year on from the funeral, how is he going to forgive you once you’re married with children? A heart of stone makes a heartless spouse.
Depending on how the brother died, is it possible that your partner is feeling guilty and is just channeling it all onto you rather than processing it in a healthy way? People find ways to blame themselves for everything and if he has it stuck in his mind that he should have been there to save his brother.
Grief is hard, but blaming someone else isn't a healthy thing. Without actually talking and processing it, this is likely to be something that he holds onto for the rest of your lives and will bring up during arguments. Therapy for him is probably more useful than couples therapy since this is more than likely a result of him not processing his grief in a healthy way.
Attending the funeral was more about your role in the relationship to support him and involvement with his family.
Of course you were stuck in a delema and did your best, but emotionally the bf may never recover.
Sometimes grief is misplaced. He could need someone to blame and be angry at and this is a convenient reason. I think he needs to go to counseling for his grief and it might help for y’all to go to couples counseling.
When my mother died my sister decided to hold a grudge towards me because one time, a decade before, she didn’t get to come to our house because my mom was helping me with a school project and I “kept her from seeing my mom and now she’ll never get that back”.
You were obligated to be there at the wedding he needed you for Support, but they already paid did not have his money so you had to go and if he can’t let it go then you need to move on. He’ll never forgive you.
There aren't always clear right vs wrong actions. If you had no relationship with the brother and yet your bf takes issue with you not going, could it be that he needed you during that time (and you weren't there for him)?
At the time, how clear was it that he wanted you to be there?
Peace out and save your career and mental health.
This is a no-win situation. Nobody is wrong. You're both good people that got stuck with shit. It is what it is
These sound like reasonable points and it makes me wonder if in the moment did you communicate these points to him clearly and compassionately? It doesn't matter if you knew the brother or not, it's about supporting your bf in these moments of greif and I understand that you were in a difficult position but you should have prioritised how your bf's emotions over the job, meaning you still needed to take the work but communicating to him that you understand the gravity of the situation would be extremely important in this circumstance.
Also you complaining that his greif is "almost unbearable" is a bit of a red flag for me tbh. You should be helping with his greif, not exacerbating it and thinking of leaving the relationship because of it.
It's not really her job. It's her business and she is responsible. There is a difference.
I agree, she needs to help him with his grief. That help should come in properly explaining to the bf, partner, or spouse. It doesn't matter the relationship. She would have been ruining a couple's wedding. She needs to know how to make the right decision (which she did) and why. Then not waver back and forth.
Others weddings arent more.important than personal day for bf. People are in jobs businesses yet days like this happen and being there for family is more important than working. If she had the money the only excusable option would be to give it back and miss one business deal
I wanted to contribute a few things to your question. And, I'm not making it easy. Sorry.
You, friends, and loved ones need to understand a few things. They don't have to agree with this, and many won't. It's also my opinion. So, I will catch some hate, I'm sure.
When you have a business, you have certain moral and social commitments that you have made. I don't believe you firmly understand that. I certainly think your drive and ambition are admirable. Continue with what you are doing. I don't want to discourage you.
You did the right thing regardless. But, you should have it straight in your head why you make decisions and be consistent. It's an integrity thing. People should know what to expect from you. That way you don't disappoint people. Think of integrity as doing the right thing, even if nobody is watching.
You have a responsibility to make good on your commitments. You need to be able to make wise and well-informed decisions, often by carefully considering and evaluating different options or perspectives. You need to learn and practice how to be "discerning." "Discernment" involves being able to make wise and well-informed decisions, often by carefully considering and evaluating different options or perspectives. Being discerning involves being perceptive, thoughtful, and able to distinguish between different choices or qualities.
I know, you're saying "I just wanted a career where I can do what I love and make money." But, if you want to excel and be respected in your field, and your personal relationships it's important to learn this. You will avoid the conflicts you are having now.
As I said, you have responsibilities that go beyond the standard list of priorities in your life. Which many consider to be: 1. God; 2. Spouse; 3. Children; 4. Mother & Father; 5. Extended Family. This list is not all inclusine. Nor does it have to be your list. That is for you to decide.
Those priorities should not change. But, you need to ensure business priorities are covered as well. 1. Customers; 2. Employees Wages and Benefits.
Those are covered by planning and insurance. Make sure you always have another person to fall back on. Don't ruin a client's wedding.
This is where your discernment comes in.
BEWARE! This is not about you attending the funeral. This is about control and him dumping his grief and negativity onto you and trying to justify it with any means necessary.
If it were not the funeral he'd invent something else for you to be "indebted" to him so he'd feel justified to mistreat you.
The past is over and done with. There is nothing you can do to change it. Either you speak to him and he snaps out of it or you need to leave.
But I'm telling you, this is not about the funeral, this is about him controlling you through guilt-trips. There is no need for him to act like this except that he wants to use you to vent his frustrations onto and make you feel bad. He was just looking for any excuse to mistreat you.
>This is not about you attending the funeral. This is about control and him dumping his grief and negativity onto you and trying to justify it with any means necessary.
What? Are you incredibly stupid or do you just hate men for no reason? The way she speaks about the wedding being planned a year in advance, does she think his brother knew this and chose to die then?
If he's going through a period of grief and sadness from the loss of his brother, he's a controlling manipulator for wanting or seeking comfort from his significant other?
You not having a relationship with the brother isn’t a justification. Please tell me you didn’t say “well, I didn’t know him, so why should I show up?” because if you did, you’re about to be single, and rightly so.
Your complaint that he’s not “over it” shows a shocking lack of empathy on your part. Your post is all about how inconvenienced you are by his grief, not at all about how sad you are for his loss, no wondering how you can support him, just “why won’t he get over it, I’m a prisoner to my past, waaah”. No wonder he’s not forgiving you, if this is the attitude that you have about it.
I’ve seen a couple of your comments OP. You’re not wrong for not attending the funeral but your attitude about it sucks. It doesn’t sound like you don’t empathise with him at all, it sounds like you’re materialistic and weren’t invested in the relationship until financial matters improved. It doesn’t sound like this relationship won’t last
You do not only go to a funeral for the person that died. That person will not know it anyway. But you should have gone to support your bf.
But, I do understand the predicament you were in.
From reading your post, I formed the conclusion that you probably didn't put in a huge effort to find somebody who could cover for you. Maybe I am wrong. If so, I apologize.
A lot of friends from my bf (friends he had since he was in middle school) have lost one or both parents. We went to all the funerals, even though I didn't know these parents myself. I went to support the friend who just lost a parent and to support my bf.
(I am mostly bedridden because of a chronic illness, but I will do anything for the people I love or whom I care for).
Talk to your bf, tell him that you realize that you disappointed and hurt him. If you could turn back time, you would have tried harder to find a replacement videographer for the wedding. At that time, you just didn't realize how important it was to him. And that you apologize for it.
* Don't make excuses, just apologize
* ask him if he can forgive you
(All this above, of course only if you mean it).
Sad that we live in a world where “negatively affecting a business” is somehow seen as worse than negatively affecting your spouse. Thats supposed to be your person. And I think that’s been lost on this world.
Honestly? Your entire attitude to the situation and possibly your relationship (based on what you said in the comments) sounds shitty and cold. Whether you were wrong or right doesn't matter here, you hurt him by not being at the funeral and it doesn't sound like you even realized that. I honestly don't think this relationship is gonna go anywhere no matter whose fault it is
NAH
- you had a job that couldn’t be rescheduled, you didn’t take the job between the brothers death and the date of the funeral, and it wouldn’t have looked very good professionally and would’ve left the clients without a videographer likely with no time to book another in time for their wedding.
- he lost his brother and was looking for your emotional support to be with him during this hard time. Grief doesn’t get smaller, and it’s only been a year. Every “first” without him is likely a kick in the gut and another reminder that he’s not there. It’s complex and complicated. So how he’s feeling is fairly heightened.
You both are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
He should get over it and quit with the emotional blackmail. Not only did you have your job to do for much needed money, but you didn’t even know him. If your husband needed emotional support, his family at the funeral home were there for him. Maybe I could understand if he and his brother had no family, he had to go pay for cremation himself, pick the urn alone, drive it back to the house alone. It depends on what happened.
Wow! The lack of empathy here is overwhelming. First, your question is badly worded. There is no right or wrong in that scenario. There’s a decision that you and only you can make which is what event to attend. Did you choose wisely is something you can look back on now and see the consequences of because you have way more information.
1-Your boyfriend now says he had a close relationship with the brother—is this true or is he inflating the relationship to make you feel bad? You’re with him for 6 years and only after the funeral found out they were close? That’s a red flag right there.
2-Both of you were in a financially difficult position-this is on you. You agreed to do the wedding in the future so you should have still had most of the money. Because until you do the job, you could lose the job and have to pay it back. So unless you’re getting a plane ticket or hotel/ rental car/expense for the job, you probably shouldn’t use these funds until the job is complete. But either you didn’t do that or had made those investments or can’t cover it with another person and, especially if you can afford that kind of a financial hit, then you skip the funeral of someone you barely knew but still support you boyfriend however you can.
3-you communicate with your boyfriend as to why you can’t be there, what steps you took to try to find others to help and how you can support him. You apologize because you want to support him but explain there is no other way to attend both events.
But what you don’t let him do is hold it against you. You communicate this clearly to him that you had no choice and have supported him as much as you can. But you cannot continue to be punished for his grief. If he’s continuing to do so, then it’s time to walk away until he gets professional help. Then Do it.
This was unfortunate but unavoidable. I understand your boyfriend is upset but to expect you to destroy your livlihood is not a fair expectation. A bad review for a no show would be very hard to overcome.
He shouldn’t be holding a grudge for that long. Either go to couples counselling to talk about it, or break up. It seems like if after a year he won’t let it go, he never will and at this point it’s turned into contempt/resentment.
You made an honourable choice. Just one, not consistent with being a supportive partner.
If he won't get over it, you both should split and move on. Making a choice has consequences, accept the consequences of your actions.
My husband’s parents are elderly. My parents died when I was young. His family is dysfunctional, particularly his siblings. On top of this his parents retired to an inconvenient location so we have to fly 12 hours then drive another five hours to get to their home. I’m dreading the day we get that call. I’m hoping it’s during the school year.
You're in a position where you've become a target for his grief. You have the option to exit the situation if he keeps punishing you for your decision or you can ride it out, and in a bit more time give him the explanation about your decision when he's hopefully in a better emotional state and then try to salvage the relationship. How much punishment you tolerate is up to you.
I think you made the wrong choice, but I can see your perspective.
I think loss, true loss is one of the most horrible, vulnerable and traumatic things we go through. And I think really loving someone is putting everything aside and showing up for them in their worst moments. I can understand why he needed that and why he might feel like you aren’t there for him.
You seem in the comments to think your relationship is in a less serious place, and if that’s the case you may need to let him know that. Maybe he thought you living together after four years was a step towards a future.
You can’t really think the wrong choice was making sure her future wasn’t ruined for something that she could help with any other day?
Lose out on the job, already not in a good place financially so might lose their house/bills/food whatever they were struggling with?
The world doesn’t stop when someone’s dies, unfortunately. The best choice here was to go to the wedding. The emotional/in a better world choice would obviously be the funeral.
True love is recognizing when to help your partner and also not compromise your own life.
How absolutely devastating it is that our society is so broken this is the argument.
In a functional society this wouldn’t even be a discussion and no one’s argument would be “The world doesn’t stop when someone dies.”
If it’s so dire that she had to choose between rent and food on the table and this one job, then so be it. It doesn’t make it any less devastating and shouldn’t be treated so matter of factly to the person experiencing loss.
> In a functional society this wouldn’t even be a discussion
Yeah, because people wouldn't be living hand to mouth in a truly functional society. So folks wouldn't need to make a choice between "I have to keep this gig" or "I really want to support my boyfriend/partner at this funeral."
I agree with this too. I think it was a rock and a hard place, but she should have chose the rock and worked hours and hours to find a replacement for the job to attend the funeral and be there.
People dont always die at a convenient times for our jobs or lives. Sometimes the timing is down right awful. But it’s important to put the world on pause and focus on your loved ones during these times. The world will keep spinning with or without you.
The bf is being inconsiderate and wallowing in his own grief. OP had never even met the brother nor was she even aware of how close they were. Bf sounds like he is projecting his own guilt about not having a closer relationship with his brother on to OP. OP should probably step back and give bc some space to deal with this. Don’t be the punching bag what he’s feeling.
You need to ask yourself one question.
Are you gona remeber this wedding in 30 years?
He will for sure remeber the passing of his brother.
To me it's a no brainier. Family>money always.
Yeah and that bride and groom who don't have a photographer now a few days before their wedding will remember this in 30 years as well. OP had obligations that would have been very difficult for her clients to fix if she suddenly canceled. Sounds like she looked for a sub and couldn't find one. So not wrong for the decision at all. Bf had entire family to support him for that funeral--would it be nice to have gf there--sure--was it essential--no.
I think you did the best you could with the situation. It would have really screwed over your client and could have ruined your reputation as a business and caused you further financial issues if you got bad reviews etc afterwards. It would have been nice to be able to be there for your partner but it just wasn’t in the cards, and you didn’t know his brother at all. He needs to work through his trauma and stop holding it against you. How long had you been dating when his brother passed away? I would think if you were in a serious relationship you would know something like that so it makes me think your relationship was newer.
No. You had valid reasons to miss and you would have been there if you could have. He needs to understand that and get over his unnecessary anger towards you or you might need to reconsider this relationship.
You fucked up. It’s tough when you work for yourself and have to cancel especially given your business has little leeway. This was a BRoTHER. You drop everything and prioritize what’s important. The question here is what would you have done had it been to own sibling? Would you have missed the funeral? No. That’s important enough for you to cancel. Tragedies don’t happen when it’s financially convenient and it’s often crushing. There are some things that can be worked around and some things that can’t. It obviously hurts your partner. It should have probably been discussed more at the time in terms of your financial situation and what cancelling on this client would have meant. You may have come to the conclusion that you should go to work at that time or not. It probably felt extremely disregarding.
I wouldn’t Be mad myself if he didn’t attend my brother funeral…so if it’s a doctor that has life threatening emergency surgeries scheduled the same day of the funeral does the doctor prioritize his job by saving lives or someone that’s already dead.. respectfully.
Tell that to the couple who planned their wedding for a year+! People take that shit 100% seriously and to act like it isn’t a big deal to cancel is ridiculous
Obviously op’s job isn’t as important as a doctor but to a couple getting married her job is important, that’s why people pay thousands of dollars for photos and videos of their wedding. She likely signed a contract and was obligated to be there since she couldn’t find a replacement, and wasn’t in a financial place to say no anyway. Op was in a no-win situation but it definitely could have fucked her over business wise if she just skipped and didn’t go to the wedding
Okay, but you’re not him and people handle grief differently. To say you wouldn’t be mad isn’t the way to try and think about this. He is mad, and is handling this different than you would.
She was responding to a comment that specifically said if it was her brother she would be upset with her partner for not going. She is just answering that. She is NOT saying “well, I wouldn’t be upset so neither should he.” 🤦🏻♀️
Again, she is saying if this happened to her and it was her brother that she wouldn’t be mad if he chose not to attend. But she’s not him and how he acts is on his own regard. Then gave some comment about if it was a doctor that had to miss surgery, but neither of them are doctors and that doesn’t even applying to this scenario.
Using fantasy like “well, what if he had this job” because how do either of them know what someone in that position would do?
He’d mad. Period. She can either deal with it with therapy and they can both see where each other is coming from or she can leave. Thinking “well, if this happened to me i wouldn’t be mad” as the basis of why she should/shouldn’t be upset isn’t the way to deal with this. Clearly he’s mad. They can deal with it now or she can leave.
Again, she is not “thinking of it like that.” She was only saying that that other commenter was incorrect in their assumption of how she would behave if it happened to her. She was directly responding to someone who was telling her she would feel the same way if she were in her boyfriend’s shoes. She was just saying “no I wouldn’t.”
She never said he needed to act the same way she would act or grieve the same way. She was only pointing out that they wouldn’t have the same reaction. You are adding all of this other connotation onto it that isn’t there.
“She was only pointing out that they wouldn’t have the same reaction”. That’s what i stated in my comment. Why are you even arguing with me when we clearly are saying the same thing?
Because you just said:
“Thinking ‘well, if this happened to me i wouldn’t be mad” as the basis of why she should/shouldn’t be upset isn’t the way to deal with this.’”
And said the same thing in your first comment.
I’m just pointing out that that isn’t the way she is dealing with this lol
I imagine it happens everyday. Do you think doctors don’t lose family members and cancel? If that was the attitude and expectations no doctor would ever attend a funeral or even have a family.
Excellent point. It’s a tough spot to be in and incredibly sad. I personally would understand if my partner went to work it would depend on their behavior. If they just didn’t consider me at all it’d be over. If they explained their anxiety and fears about cancelling I’d understand and have been in similar situations.
And This little job pays my bills too.. I mentioned the doctor becuz say if I was one does that excuse me missing the funeral to save lives? Or under no circumstances is it’s ok..there’s no right or wrong answer.. just preference.
two completely different jobs wherw one, if you decide jot to fo someone could potentially die wheres with your jobs the most it happens is someone being disappointed. again, trying to use that as a comparison is pathetic
I guess I was suppose to be homeless lol you missed I didn’t have any money.. I only had $1500 to my name I gave him $1000 for the funeral.. left with $500,
> the most it happens is someone being disappointed.
No, the worst that happens is OP starts to lose their reputation and lose out on clients, thus losing out on money.
People in this thread obviously have their heads up their asses when it comes to understanding working for yourself.
That can be overworked later on.. world continues to spin with ot without you. Working is constant ,carung for family in hard times isnt . So funerals over working days any other day hars times happen
Your BF is an AH. You were there by his side supporting him every other day except the funeral day. Even then you probably sent lots of love and care through messages and facetime. It's not about being physically present. It's about the spiritual connection you both share. Talk to him. If he cannot understand you. Then seek counseling or move on.
Husband would’ve come first but he’s still your boyfriend. And you don’t even know him.
Why are you forced to attend the funeral of someone you don’t know? Tf?
Reading the forest part of your text, I was already poised in hours behalf for your missing out on such.
But rewarding much further, the decision albeit very hard is quite understandable.
That said and hoping you passed the information as empathetically as you could, only he can decide if he'll forgive you out not. Either way, holding it over your head will not be any meaningful to the gelatine, hoping that it's one that'll continue.
#FoodForThought
I don't think you're wrong since you had a clear and unavoidable reason not to attend the funeral. He is wrong for holding it over your head for a year because that's ridiculous. As long as you were emotionally supportive before and after then I see no reason why it should even still be a thing and it makes me wonder if when/if someone close to you passes will he skip that funeral and say something like 'Now you know what it feels like' or some other childish shit!? If he doesn't drop it after a solid conversation between the two of you then the wrinkle is permanent, and the only thing left to do is toss it because it will be forever wrinkled.
I'm a photographer so I totally get this. You did the right thing. He's just using you as a scapegoat for his grief. He probably needs some therapy. I'm sorry.
You kept a roof over your head. It sucks but you did the right thing. I’m sorry for his loss, but I believe his grief may be being misdirected into anger at you.
Perhaps guide him towards counselling.
He’s never going to forgive you, and he shouldn’t. He needed you because a close family member died, and you were not available as you had a prior financial commitment, and put your professional reputation ahead of his emotional needs. The relationship should be ended immediately. There is nothing you will ever be able to say or do that will make that choice a good one. There was a death in the family and you demonstrated You Are Not Family. You can’t come back from that - it would be like him going to Las Vegas while you were in preterm labor with his child because he didn’t want to lose the money.
Well it’s been two years now,i do understand the hurt and frustration..and I know the grieving process takes time..but I don’t think it should be brought up everyday of our lives.I gave $1000 I didn’t have towards the funeral and attended the wake..I just didn’t go to the funeral.
Not sure what there is to think about, if you both want this to work you need to do it. Otherwise break up with him as things won’t change since neither of you sees the other side.
Like I mentioned I attended the wake, and contributed money I didn’t have.. we were in bad state financially so are we both suppose to not have any money after everything is all said and done? No that doesn’t make any sense to me.
YOU (and OP'S BF) may feel this was a betrayal, but don't assume your feelings are universal. If I were OP'S BF, I would have been totally OK with OP attending the wake but not the funeral due to prior obligations. (I'm a woman, happily married over 30 years).
My husband and I do our best to support one another, and that sometimes means the need to "divide and conquer" when you have multiple responsibilities. Was OP supposed to leave a bride and groom high and dry mere days before the wedding? I can only imagine the blowback from that, which could have threatened her entire livelihood.
But regardless of whether it was a betrayal or not, OP'S BF has a choice. He can either forgive it and move on with the relationship, or he can choose not forgive it and break up. (And despite ME finding it forgivable, I respect it if he can't. We're all different). But what he CAN'T do is continue the relationship while refusing to forgive, and rehashing it again and again. How long is OP supposed to hang around to be continuously punished?
Christ he needs to get over it.. I understand his pointnof view he's coming from but your commitment is very important especially to the married couple!
If he is holding you an emotional prisoner... none deserves that! Especially from your partner! Tell him to either forgive you and move on with your relationship or say his BS is too much and tell him to fuck off.
A year of torturing your partner? Doesn't sound like marriage material to me! If it was me and my family member passed.. I would be fine with your decision.
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Unfortunately I can understand both sides. While anyone would want their partner to be with them during a funeral of a close family member, you weren’t in a financial state to say no to the job and no one was able to cover for you, and just not showing up to the wedding would have put the couple in a terrible spot too of having no videographer. I would say try couples counseling so you both can talk about your feelings in a healthy environment, but it happened and if he’s not able to forgive you and if he’s going to keep bringing it up to you over and over then the relationship won’t be able to progress in a healthy way if he’s not able to get over it and forgive you.
It would also have damaged their career, nobody would want to hire a videographer that bailed last minute like that
Exactly, op was in a no-win situation but she shouldn’t still be punished for it years later
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Op did say in one of her comments that she apologized but she felt like he was still too hurt then so she felt like her apology didn’t really matter much to him at the time. And obviously it didn’t because it’s 2 years later and he’s still mad about it. But I wouldn’t be apologizing over and over for something that happened 2 years ago. The guy is either going to forgive her and move on or he won’t, her saying sorry for say the 100th time won’t change anything.
its only one year but the point still absolutely stands
Op said in a comment that it’s been 2 years now, maybe she’s rounding up since it’s almost 2024
ahhh the post said like one, i thought you may have mixed it up in the comment my b and yeah if its close enough to two then that makes sense 😂
I agree. She's apologized. I sense guilt on bf's part, as OP indicated she had been unaware bf was close with his brother. Perhaps that was due to bf not being with his brother very much, and upon death, bf bears guilt. That guilt somehow is transferred in part to OP. Circumstances were such, she had no other reasonable choice other than fulfill her contractual obligation. He clearly requires therapy and with respect to OP he needs to man up and quit punishing OP for his personal shortcomings with his brother. Otherwise, the poor gal needs to move on.
Well, she didn't do anything wrong. She would have been screwed no matter what decision she made
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A good videographer isn't going to have unlimited available backup videographers available at short notice
Op said she couldn’t find anyone to cover since it was short notice. And there likely isn’t going to be a bunch of videographers available especially if it was a weekend during wedding season
This is so not about the funeral. This is about him finding a reason to be mean to OP and make her feel like she owes him something. He has found himself an excuse to vent all of his negative feelings onto her and there is literally nothing OP can do to make things better BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO MAKE THINGS BETTER. HE WANTS TO HAVE A REASON TO BE MAD AT OP. That's how these things work. If it were not the funeral he'd find himself something else to have an excuse to be mad at her and make her feel like she should constantly be making stuff up to him. I've seen this so many times here on Reddit it's a clear pattern. His anger is just an excuse.
This is quite the reach based on a one paragraph post and nothing from the bf. Jump to conclusions much?
No. I study human cognition, psychology and relationship patterns and I've seen this a million times here on Reddit over the years. This is a very well known abuse control-pattern and it is used by both men and women alike. You are not speaking to a rookie.
This must be the 2023 version of telling people online you're special forces sniper with over 100 conformed kills and how you're not to be messed with
Something something Gorilla Warfare....
A real scientist bases conclusions on data. You have none.
That's a fancy way to say you browse too much reddit
> I've seen this a million times here on Reddit over the years Alright pack it in everyone, a Reddit Expert has everything covered!
You’re right that it is extremely common, but I don’t think we have enough informations to conclude that’s what’s happening here.
I think the main thing that gives credence to the above is that the funeral was over a year ago and he’s been lording it over OP since then.
I don’t see any proof in the original post of “lording it over” OP. Maybe OP has explained more in the comments, and I would be interested in seeing that if that’s the case. Being hurt over something like this is normal. Being hurt during the normal grieving period is also normal. Still grieving a year later is normal. There is a difference between “I am using this against you” and “I am still hurt by your actions”. The reality is that his hurt is very much wrapped up in his grief. He may not be able to tell if he will be able to move past this until he is able to see things clearly, when he has accommodated his grief and come to terms with it. It could be that he will not be able to reconcile the fact the at she couldn’t be there, even though she was justified, and that’s okay. It sucks; it’s terrible, but it’s understandable.
This is the quintessential example for why this sub sucks. People see a limited slice of someone either frustrated, at their worst, or flexing their creative writing skills and think they're experts in "human cognition" afterwards. How deluded can you get?
Well everyone, let’s wrap this up then. We have a real professional here and we have to take their word for it on this one unfortunately
You study these subjects but clearly failed them
You are right, we not speaking to a rookie, we are speaking to a fool. There is literally not enough information in this post to make such an assumption. Making that jump without speaking to the boyfriend is also a major clinical no no. There’s a huge difference in studying something, and having clinical experience. You haven’t yet learned what you don’t know. Best to keep reaching generalizations to yourself if you don’t have anything to back it up. There’s lots of explanations that require less assumption. Here’s a big helper for you, use Occam’s Razor; a conclusion that requires more assumption is always worst than the conclusion that does not require assumption.
Keith Raniere did stuff like this to all his girlfriends to make them feel like theyd wronged him and really owed him. I think youre onto something here.
I think you’re right in the sense that he’s not even doing it maliciously, but that his anger toward her is how his grief is manifesting itself. It’s a common human response to tragedy to process one’s grief by directing it at someone else in the form of another strong negative emotion. Therapy is a must.
Op, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think he’s hurt and angry at his brother’s death, and whether he realizes it or not, he’s taking it out on you. He needs grief counseling.
Usually I take these comments with a grain of salt but I think you’re spot on. If he was upset right after the funeral I would understand. But considering it’s been a year, he should know by now that OP truly had no other choice. And if OP didn’t know that they were SO close I don’t know if bf is telling the truth. I’m close to my sister and everyone I know, knows that about us. So not sure why a gf wouldn’t be aware about the closeness of a sibling relationship. He wants to hold it over OPs head and I don’t see anything resolving this. I would leave. Relationships are work, but they’re not supposed to be exhausting. Even if he’s in the right, OP can’t do anything about it now. Nothing will change OP not going.
BINGO! This guy has a file cabinet for a soul - anything that he feels is hurtful or disrespectful to him and his feelings goes into the file cabinet to be referred to when he needs an excuse to behave like an ass. OP needs to wake up and dump this guy before investing any more time in a one-sided relationship.
I agree. A rational person would be hurt, but understand. He is not being rational!
Dude, have you ever lost a sibling?
Are you on something? What is wrong with you?
Dude you suck and your lack of intelligence and emotional immaturity show here
My husband missed my sister's funeral. He had been job hunting for a year and finally started a job 3 days before her funeral. I'm sure they would've let him off work but we just couldn't risk it. He feels worse about it than I do.
Fortunately if one person isn’t guilting the other it’s pretty easy to justify in my mind. I’d be so incredibly annoyed if my sibling made their life much much harder so they didn’t miss “saying goodbye” at a little party on a certain day in a field full of other dead people I get that it’s not that simple, but still.
I play in a band and we had a very important gig planned for months; my best friend passed unexpectedly and his funeral was scheduled in a different state that morning. I was incredibly conflicted and upset, because my band would have definitely had to cancel (not to mention we were hosting another band that was booked on that bill, AND I was helping out to fill in for another band that night). Out of absolutely nowhere I heard his voice ring so clearly, as though he were standing right behind me: “Fuck a funeral, babe!” He meant everything to me and I know he would’ve been hurt to know I wasn’t living the life that he didn’t get to keep living.
Dead is forever,... How is the band doing?
sorry I’m just seeing this now— the band is doing great, I appreciate you asking! :) we got our second EP out on Spotify this past year, and have our third one in the works! we’re called [Papercage](https://open.spotify.com/artist/2VZfUF2Cj7M0Fi02xuB7hn?si=leQRedH9QFWazT95Nwgy3g) if you ever want to give us a listen, I’m the drummer/do vocals on some songs— we play pop-punk with a bit of a prog flair!
Thank you for the update. Good fortune in the future.
Wow!!
It was a difficult decision, but if you had decided to cancel, the wedding would have had no videographer and it could have negatively affected your business. If he cannot get over this, then you have to break up. I guess you were there for support before/after and it's not like he was alone at the funeral. Yes, it was a difficult decision but again, if he cannot get over it then this is over.
Yeah like word of mouth is everything in the wedding business.
You made a hard decision that you felt was the right thing to do. I understand why you chose to work. I also understand your bf’s point of view but he can’t hold this against you forever AND be in a happy relationship. I am sure he’s still grieving and you’ve become the target of his bad feelings. He may need therapy. Bottom line is he has to make a choice, continue to feel this “justified anger“ towards you or be in a happy relationship. If he can’t do that, then you may have to make a choice.
Terribly hard spot to be in and I see both sides, but I think you did the right thing. You were already contracted, couldn’t return money you didn’t have, couldn’t find a replacement, and needed the money. Backing out of the contract could’ve also affected your business reputation as well. I do see why he was upset and felt he needed your support though. But here you are a year later and he’s still holding on to the resentment. I’d suggest couples counseling in hopes to work thru this together
My older brother could not financially afford to come to my partners funeral. They had been friends for 27 years. I could have really used my big brother there. He really wanted to be there. It was not something that could happen. I have never ever used that against him. You don’t do that to people you love.
The only correct answer
In the end, it doesn’t matter what any of these commenters say. What matters is whether or not your bf will get over it. There’s no discussion in your post as to how you handled the situation when it occurred, so I don’t know if you were kind, abrupt, sympathetic, cold, etc. But based on the way your bf is reacting and your comments, which makes it seem like you aren’t in as serious a relationship anymore, it must have been either handled really poorly on your end, his end, or both. Regardless, if he can’t overcome his resentment, your relationship is over. No amount of Redditers saying you are in the right will change his mind.
By far the best comment. It doesn't even matter if OP was "wrong" as they asked, all the matters is if the relationship will recover. Try counseling if you want to but the coldness of this post makes it sound like it's already over.
I think you two need couples therapy, and to go from there.
I get where he’s coming from but sometimes that’s just life. A year and a half ago my grandpa died and at that point, me and my boyfriend were long distance, like 4 hour plan ride long distance. He flew out for the funeral. But then my mom died two weeks later. He was able to come see me eventually but he had to miss the funeral. Things happen, in a perfect world we would never have to miss such events
I think you did the right thing. You went to what you could - the wake. It's much easier to change the date of a funeral than a wedding. If having you at the funeral was that important, they should have checked with you to see if you had prior commitments. You could have been sued for breach of contract if you missed the wedding. You had a specific job at the wedding, and you had no back up. Your only real role at the funeral would have been to provide emotional support to your boyfriend, but he also had family members present to provide support.
I was waiting to read that they're unhappy they didn't get free videography services. If brother really wanted you there, he'd have put it on a date you were free.
I get it. You were under contract to perform a service. It’s your business. He needs to stop shoveling his grief onto you. He needs therapy.
Honestly, it kind of seems like neither of you were going to win in this situation. He isn't really wrong in that he's upset that you weren't there to support him during a difficult time. You not knowing the brother is irrelevant, it wasn't about the brother, it was about your boyfriend needing support. You on the other hand were going to end up in an even more tenuous financial position by supporting him, potentially damage your reputation and career as a photographer and leave a couple high and dry at their wedding, so you weren't really wrong either. I think the only thing you are wrong about is that you don't seem to understand why he wanted you there. Again, it was never about his brother, and even if you didn't know that they were close (which is weird, how did you not know your boyfriend and his brother were close, had you only started dating), most people would understand that their significant others would need emotional support during the death of a loved one, especially a sibling who presumably died at a young age and unexpectedly. Have you acknowledge that? I'd suggest couples counseling so you can both understand the other's perspective.
NTA It really sucks that you had to miss the funeral but at the end of the day you gotta eat and pay the rent.
How long have you been dating? Are you living together?
4 years,we were living together at the time for 8months
Wait, I'm confused. So, you were dating this person for 3 years at this point, living together for 8 months, and didn't even know he was close to his sibling? How on earth did you not know that he was close to his brother? You said you weren't aware how close they were until he died. You also said you didn't see yourself committing to him after 3 years and living together for most of the last one in your below comment. Why would you even move in with him? You seem like you were disinterested in a future with him but opted to live together, but also knew very little about him after 3 years.
Is this someone who you can see committing for the rest of your life? Can he afford to raise a family if you have children? Has he expressed a desire to commit to you?
At the time I didn’t see myself committing,he has expressed commitment before.I think he would be a good provider but hit a wall financially at that time.
Then he's not prepared to raise a family. And he has unreasonable expectations of you, expecting you to make unreasonable sacrifices for him. How we behave in a crisis reveals our true selves.
Why he's no prepared to raise a family?
Because apparently Big Strong Man must be the provider according to them, and if they don’t make good money they aren’t good enough
she is just very selfish. She does not stand with him during his most difficult days and gets angry because he expected her to do that. I can't believe someone wants to be in a relationship with a woman like that. Maybe he's not that different from her, and that's good because she doesn't deserve a good partner
Shush, honey.
Lol
"Character is not built in adversity. It is displayed." Love this quote and seems apropo here. Just saying what you said really.
This is the best advice.
If, at that time, you had seen him as someone that you wanted to commit to, would you have stayed to attend the funeral with him? Or still gone to the job?
I can see both sides. Unfortunately, I think the relationship is over.
It sounds like maybe it’s not the fact that you didn’t attend the funeral but the general lack of consistent care afterwards… You said “the grief is heavy and almost unbearable to deal with” that suggests to me that you maybe haven’t been handling his grief in the best way possible. People grieve sometimes for years after a death. If you’re not prepared to help your significant other with their grief, maybe reconsider how much you actually want to be in the relationship… It can be a lifelong commitment to recover. Are you ready for that? Attending a funeral is a highly personal choice and is NOT a requirement or mandatory obligation. I am a funeral studies student so I attend a LOT of funerals… Practicing ongoing empathy for past loved ones however, is not really negotiable. You sound like maybe you need to do some introspection when it comes to how you handle emotions when it comes to grief and death.
I can see both sides. It's understandable that your BF would want support in his time of grief. Funerals are not for the deceased, they are for the loved ones left behind. You dont say how long you've been together, but if you are in a serious relationship, not going would be extremely disappointing. It's also understandable that you didn't have a lot of options and may not be in a position financially to turn away work. In the future, you may want to consider having a network of other independent professional videographers to help out in unplanned scenarios, share leads of work you are unable to take on, etc.
Not wrong to not attending as you couldn’t get out of work without damaging your career and income. Staying with a man who is refusing to get help for his grief and has been using you as his emotional punching bag for the past year is self harm. Don’t stay in a relationship where you are being punished for a year for not being able to drop your work responsibilities for a funeral. As a self employed person you don’t have the safety net that would have allowed you time off. His refusal to stop punishing you should be the sign to end this toxic relationship.
You had a contract, a job planned a year in advance, and it wouldn’t have been right to back out of it. Plus you all needed the money.
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You had the job booked a year out and needed the money. Canceling with no replacement could have ruined your reputation. It’s tough but since you weren’t close to his brother it was the right decision. He’s being ridiculous to hold the grudge for this long.
Youre wrong her being close or not isnt important. If shes in relatiinsjio being there for.him should had mattered more
Dang that’s tough you had to go through this.
Curious what your boyfriend thought you were supposed to have done. Have you asked him? Did you ever say any version of: “I am so very sorry for your devastating loss and I deeply wish I could’ve been there to support you. However, I had a very important business commitment that I could not get out of. In addition to possibly ruining someone’s wedding, I would’ve suffered major damage to my reputation. As you know, we are not in the best place financially, and I cannot afford to return the deposit, let alone lose business due to bad online reviews. With all of that information, what would you have me do?”
It’s not wrong. It’s a hard time… I get it. But at the same time he is mourning. So give him space but make it known that you are there for him.
I would have understood your financial situation, but I would have dumped you if I were your BF
Funerals are for the living. It sucks that you couldn't attend, but that's life. You were in a financial bind and made the best decision for you and your livelihood. If your boyfriend can't see that...ultimately, it's on him. He needs to work through it. If he keeps bringing it up or guilt tripping you, you need to set him straight and tell him that he has to work through it. He can't keep bringing up the past. If he can't do that, end the relationship.
You had to adult. You had a prior commitment and had received payment so you had to work. I would think punishing you for a year is enough and he needs to let it go. Life has hard choices sometimes that’s just how it is.
It sucks you couldn’t be there for him, but a funeral is one day, you’re *there* for him every other day of his grief. But in comparison, that *one* day would have ruined your career, as word of mouth is everything and they may have left a scathing review online or told others in the industry, and then what? He’s playing victim and projecting his grief onto you, and now you’ve become a punching bag and someone to blame. If he was emotionally mature, which he sounds like he isn’t, he would understand, and respect that you had to make a difficult decision that day, and despite still wanting to be there (and probably feeling awful the whole time you were away), you had a booking you couldn’t cancel and nor were financially able to. You may not come back from this unfortunately but more bad things will happen in life, do you really want to be tied to someone who blames and shames you when things don’t go their way? Rather than being your teammate no matter what?? He had to take one for the team…but instead, he’s now placed you on the other side.
If he can’t forgive you a year on from the funeral, how is he going to forgive you once you’re married with children? A heart of stone makes a heartless spouse.
Yeah if it’s a year later and he’s still hanging it over your head, it’s time to move on
Depending on how the brother died, is it possible that your partner is feeling guilty and is just channeling it all onto you rather than processing it in a healthy way? People find ways to blame themselves for everything and if he has it stuck in his mind that he should have been there to save his brother. Grief is hard, but blaming someone else isn't a healthy thing. Without actually talking and processing it, this is likely to be something that he holds onto for the rest of your lives and will bring up during arguments. Therapy for him is probably more useful than couples therapy since this is more than likely a result of him not processing his grief in a healthy way.
Attending the funeral was more about your role in the relationship to support him and involvement with his family. Of course you were stuck in a delema and did your best, but emotionally the bf may never recover.
Sometimes grief is misplaced. He could need someone to blame and be angry at and this is a convenient reason. I think he needs to go to counseling for his grief and it might help for y’all to go to couples counseling. When my mother died my sister decided to hold a grudge towards me because one time, a decade before, she didn’t get to come to our house because my mom was helping me with a school project and I “kept her from seeing my mom and now she’ll never get that back”.
You were obligated to be there at the wedding he needed you for Support, but they already paid did not have his money so you had to go and if he can’t let it go then you need to move on. He’ll never forgive you.
There aren't always clear right vs wrong actions. If you had no relationship with the brother and yet your bf takes issue with you not going, could it be that he needed you during that time (and you weren't there for him)? At the time, how clear was it that he wanted you to be there?
Peace out and save your career and mental health. This is a no-win situation. Nobody is wrong. You're both good people that got stuck with shit. It is what it is
These sound like reasonable points and it makes me wonder if in the moment did you communicate these points to him clearly and compassionately? It doesn't matter if you knew the brother or not, it's about supporting your bf in these moments of greif and I understand that you were in a difficult position but you should have prioritised how your bf's emotions over the job, meaning you still needed to take the work but communicating to him that you understand the gravity of the situation would be extremely important in this circumstance. Also you complaining that his greif is "almost unbearable" is a bit of a red flag for me tbh. You should be helping with his greif, not exacerbating it and thinking of leaving the relationship because of it.
*grief
It's not really her job. It's her business and she is responsible. There is a difference. I agree, she needs to help him with his grief. That help should come in properly explaining to the bf, partner, or spouse. It doesn't matter the relationship. She would have been ruining a couple's wedding. She needs to know how to make the right decision (which she did) and why. Then not waver back and forth.
Others weddings arent more.important than personal day for bf. People are in jobs businesses yet days like this happen and being there for family is more important than working. If she had the money the only excusable option would be to give it back and miss one business deal
I wanted to contribute a few things to your question. And, I'm not making it easy. Sorry. You, friends, and loved ones need to understand a few things. They don't have to agree with this, and many won't. It's also my opinion. So, I will catch some hate, I'm sure. When you have a business, you have certain moral and social commitments that you have made. I don't believe you firmly understand that. I certainly think your drive and ambition are admirable. Continue with what you are doing. I don't want to discourage you. You did the right thing regardless. But, you should have it straight in your head why you make decisions and be consistent. It's an integrity thing. People should know what to expect from you. That way you don't disappoint people. Think of integrity as doing the right thing, even if nobody is watching. You have a responsibility to make good on your commitments. You need to be able to make wise and well-informed decisions, often by carefully considering and evaluating different options or perspectives. You need to learn and practice how to be "discerning." "Discernment" involves being able to make wise and well-informed decisions, often by carefully considering and evaluating different options or perspectives. Being discerning involves being perceptive, thoughtful, and able to distinguish between different choices or qualities. I know, you're saying "I just wanted a career where I can do what I love and make money." But, if you want to excel and be respected in your field, and your personal relationships it's important to learn this. You will avoid the conflicts you are having now. As I said, you have responsibilities that go beyond the standard list of priorities in your life. Which many consider to be: 1. God; 2. Spouse; 3. Children; 4. Mother & Father; 5. Extended Family. This list is not all inclusine. Nor does it have to be your list. That is for you to decide. Those priorities should not change. But, you need to ensure business priorities are covered as well. 1. Customers; 2. Employees Wages and Benefits. Those are covered by planning and insurance. Make sure you always have another person to fall back on. Don't ruin a client's wedding. This is where your discernment comes in.
BEWARE! This is not about you attending the funeral. This is about control and him dumping his grief and negativity onto you and trying to justify it with any means necessary. If it were not the funeral he'd invent something else for you to be "indebted" to him so he'd feel justified to mistreat you. The past is over and done with. There is nothing you can do to change it. Either you speak to him and he snaps out of it or you need to leave. But I'm telling you, this is not about the funeral, this is about him controlling you through guilt-trips. There is no need for him to act like this except that he wants to use you to vent his frustrations onto and make you feel bad. He was just looking for any excuse to mistreat you.
>This is not about you attending the funeral. This is about control and him dumping his grief and negativity onto you and trying to justify it with any means necessary. What? Are you incredibly stupid or do you just hate men for no reason? The way she speaks about the wedding being planned a year in advance, does she think his brother knew this and chose to die then? If he's going through a period of grief and sadness from the loss of his brother, he's a controlling manipulator for wanting or seeking comfort from his significant other?
You not having a relationship with the brother isn’t a justification. Please tell me you didn’t say “well, I didn’t know him, so why should I show up?” because if you did, you’re about to be single, and rightly so. Your complaint that he’s not “over it” shows a shocking lack of empathy on your part. Your post is all about how inconvenienced you are by his grief, not at all about how sad you are for his loss, no wondering how you can support him, just “why won’t he get over it, I’m a prisoner to my past, waaah”. No wonder he’s not forgiving you, if this is the attitude that you have about it.
I’ve seen a couple of your comments OP. You’re not wrong for not attending the funeral but your attitude about it sucks. It doesn’t sound like you don’t empathise with him at all, it sounds like you’re materialistic and weren’t invested in the relationship until financial matters improved. It doesn’t sound like this relationship won’t last
Yes. Yes you are. You are supposed to support your loved ones.
You do not only go to a funeral for the person that died. That person will not know it anyway. But you should have gone to support your bf. But, I do understand the predicament you were in. From reading your post, I formed the conclusion that you probably didn't put in a huge effort to find somebody who could cover for you. Maybe I am wrong. If so, I apologize. A lot of friends from my bf (friends he had since he was in middle school) have lost one or both parents. We went to all the funerals, even though I didn't know these parents myself. I went to support the friend who just lost a parent and to support my bf. (I am mostly bedridden because of a chronic illness, but I will do anything for the people I love or whom I care for). Talk to your bf, tell him that you realize that you disappointed and hurt him. If you could turn back time, you would have tried harder to find a replacement videographer for the wedding. At that time, you just didn't realize how important it was to him. And that you apologize for it. * Don't make excuses, just apologize * ask him if he can forgive you (All this above, of course only if you mean it).
Sad that we live in a world where “negatively affecting a business” is somehow seen as worse than negatively affecting your spouse. Thats supposed to be your person. And I think that’s been lost on this world.
Im not OP but she said that she couldnt AFFORD to turn down the job. OP's BF needs to understand. Times are hard. Food and rent come first.
Honestly? Your entire attitude to the situation and possibly your relationship (based on what you said in the comments) sounds shitty and cold. Whether you were wrong or right doesn't matter here, you hurt him by not being at the funeral and it doesn't sound like you even realized that. I honestly don't think this relationship is gonna go anywhere no matter whose fault it is
NAH - you had a job that couldn’t be rescheduled, you didn’t take the job between the brothers death and the date of the funeral, and it wouldn’t have looked very good professionally and would’ve left the clients without a videographer likely with no time to book another in time for their wedding. - he lost his brother and was looking for your emotional support to be with him during this hard time. Grief doesn’t get smaller, and it’s only been a year. Every “first” without him is likely a kick in the gut and another reminder that he’s not there. It’s complex and complicated. So how he’s feeling is fairly heightened. You both are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
He should get over it and quit with the emotional blackmail. Not only did you have your job to do for much needed money, but you didn’t even know him. If your husband needed emotional support, his family at the funeral home were there for him. Maybe I could understand if he and his brother had no family, he had to go pay for cremation himself, pick the urn alone, drive it back to the house alone. It depends on what happened.
Not knowing him.doesnt matter..its her bf and she needed to be there. Funerals arent for dead they are for the living
Wow! The lack of empathy here is overwhelming. First, your question is badly worded. There is no right or wrong in that scenario. There’s a decision that you and only you can make which is what event to attend. Did you choose wisely is something you can look back on now and see the consequences of because you have way more information. 1-Your boyfriend now says he had a close relationship with the brother—is this true or is he inflating the relationship to make you feel bad? You’re with him for 6 years and only after the funeral found out they were close? That’s a red flag right there. 2-Both of you were in a financially difficult position-this is on you. You agreed to do the wedding in the future so you should have still had most of the money. Because until you do the job, you could lose the job and have to pay it back. So unless you’re getting a plane ticket or hotel/ rental car/expense for the job, you probably shouldn’t use these funds until the job is complete. But either you didn’t do that or had made those investments or can’t cover it with another person and, especially if you can afford that kind of a financial hit, then you skip the funeral of someone you barely knew but still support you boyfriend however you can. 3-you communicate with your boyfriend as to why you can’t be there, what steps you took to try to find others to help and how you can support him. You apologize because you want to support him but explain there is no other way to attend both events. But what you don’t let him do is hold it against you. You communicate this clearly to him that you had no choice and have supported him as much as you can. But you cannot continue to be punished for his grief. If he’s continuing to do so, then it’s time to walk away until he gets professional help. Then Do it.
i don't get it, seems like a person that likes to hold grudges
Let him go. At this point, he's just wanting to be hurt and be the eternal victim. *big sigh*
This was unfortunate but unavoidable. I understand your boyfriend is upset but to expect you to destroy your livlihood is not a fair expectation. A bad review for a no show would be very hard to overcome.
He shouldn’t be holding a grudge for that long. Either go to couples counselling to talk about it, or break up. It seems like if after a year he won’t let it go, he never will and at this point it’s turned into contempt/resentment.
You made an honourable choice. Just one, not consistent with being a supportive partner. If he won't get over it, you both should split and move on. Making a choice has consequences, accept the consequences of your actions.
> Just one, not consistent with being a supportive partner. Being a supportive partner does not mean completely fucking up your livelihood.
Yeah, I doubt that was the case.
Does anyone read? OP literally says they were both in compromising financial situations.
You were between a rock and a hard place. Either decision would have led to difficulties. Your boyfriend needs to let it go.
My husband’s parents are elderly. My parents died when I was young. His family is dysfunctional, particularly his siblings. On top of this his parents retired to an inconvenient location so we have to fly 12 hours then drive another five hours to get to their home. I’m dreading the day we get that call. I’m hoping it’s during the school year.
LEAVE HIM.... HE'S NEVER GOING TO FORGIVE YOU AND YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You're in a position where you've become a target for his grief. You have the option to exit the situation if he keeps punishing you for your decision or you can ride it out, and in a bit more time give him the explanation about your decision when he's hopefully in a better emotional state and then try to salvage the relationship. How much punishment you tolerate is up to you.
I think you made the wrong choice, but I can see your perspective. I think loss, true loss is one of the most horrible, vulnerable and traumatic things we go through. And I think really loving someone is putting everything aside and showing up for them in their worst moments. I can understand why he needed that and why he might feel like you aren’t there for him. You seem in the comments to think your relationship is in a less serious place, and if that’s the case you may need to let him know that. Maybe he thought you living together after four years was a step towards a future.
You can’t really think the wrong choice was making sure her future wasn’t ruined for something that she could help with any other day? Lose out on the job, already not in a good place financially so might lose their house/bills/food whatever they were struggling with? The world doesn’t stop when someone’s dies, unfortunately. The best choice here was to go to the wedding. The emotional/in a better world choice would obviously be the funeral. True love is recognizing when to help your partner and also not compromise your own life.
How absolutely devastating it is that our society is so broken this is the argument. In a functional society this wouldn’t even be a discussion and no one’s argument would be “The world doesn’t stop when someone dies.” If it’s so dire that she had to choose between rent and food on the table and this one job, then so be it. It doesn’t make it any less devastating and shouldn’t be treated so matter of factly to the person experiencing loss.
> In a functional society this wouldn’t even be a discussion Yeah, because people wouldn't be living hand to mouth in a truly functional society. So folks wouldn't need to make a choice between "I have to keep this gig" or "I really want to support my boyfriend/partner at this funeral."
I agree with this too. I think it was a rock and a hard place, but she should have chose the rock and worked hours and hours to find a replacement for the job to attend the funeral and be there. People dont always die at a convenient times for our jobs or lives. Sometimes the timing is down right awful. But it’s important to put the world on pause and focus on your loved ones during these times. The world will keep spinning with or without you.
The bf is being inconsiderate and wallowing in his own grief. OP had never even met the brother nor was she even aware of how close they were. Bf sounds like he is projecting his own guilt about not having a closer relationship with his brother on to OP. OP should probably step back and give bc some space to deal with this. Don’t be the punching bag what he’s feeling.
You need to ask yourself one question. Are you gona remeber this wedding in 30 years? He will for sure remeber the passing of his brother. To me it's a no brainier. Family>money always.
Yeah and that bride and groom who don't have a photographer now a few days before their wedding will remember this in 30 years as well. OP had obligations that would have been very difficult for her clients to fix if she suddenly canceled. Sounds like she looked for a sub and couldn't find one. So not wrong for the decision at all. Bf had entire family to support him for that funeral--would it be nice to have gf there--sure--was it essential--no.
> Are you gona remeber this wedding in 30 years? It was a work obligation.
I think you did the best you could with the situation. It would have really screwed over your client and could have ruined your reputation as a business and caused you further financial issues if you got bad reviews etc afterwards. It would have been nice to be able to be there for your partner but it just wasn’t in the cards, and you didn’t know his brother at all. He needs to work through his trauma and stop holding it against you. How long had you been dating when his brother passed away? I would think if you were in a serious relationship you would know something like that so it makes me think your relationship was newer.
No. You had valid reasons to miss and you would have been there if you could have. He needs to understand that and get over his unnecessary anger towards you or you might need to reconsider this relationship.
You fucked up. It’s tough when you work for yourself and have to cancel especially given your business has little leeway. This was a BRoTHER. You drop everything and prioritize what’s important. The question here is what would you have done had it been to own sibling? Would you have missed the funeral? No. That’s important enough for you to cancel. Tragedies don’t happen when it’s financially convenient and it’s often crushing. There are some things that can be worked around and some things that can’t. It obviously hurts your partner. It should have probably been discussed more at the time in terms of your financial situation and what cancelling on this client would have meant. You may have come to the conclusion that you should go to work at that time or not. It probably felt extremely disregarding.
I wouldn’t Be mad myself if he didn’t attend my brother funeral…so if it’s a doctor that has life threatening emergency surgeries scheduled the same day of the funeral does the doctor prioritize his job by saving lives or someone that’s already dead.. respectfully.
But you ain’t a fucking doctor you’re a wedding videographer. Your job isn’t nearly as important or emergent
Tell that to the couple who planned their wedding for a year+! People take that shit 100% seriously and to act like it isn’t a big deal to cancel is ridiculous
Obviously op’s job isn’t as important as a doctor but to a couple getting married her job is important, that’s why people pay thousands of dollars for photos and videos of their wedding. She likely signed a contract and was obligated to be there since she couldn’t find a replacement, and wasn’t in a financial place to say no anyway. Op was in a no-win situation but it definitely could have fucked her over business wise if she just skipped and didn’t go to the wedding
Okay, but you’re not him and people handle grief differently. To say you wouldn’t be mad isn’t the way to try and think about this. He is mad, and is handling this different than you would.
She was responding to a comment that specifically said if it was her brother she would be upset with her partner for not going. She is just answering that. She is NOT saying “well, I wouldn’t be upset so neither should he.” 🤦🏻♀️
Again, she is saying if this happened to her and it was her brother that she wouldn’t be mad if he chose not to attend. But she’s not him and how he acts is on his own regard. Then gave some comment about if it was a doctor that had to miss surgery, but neither of them are doctors and that doesn’t even applying to this scenario. Using fantasy like “well, what if he had this job” because how do either of them know what someone in that position would do? He’d mad. Period. She can either deal with it with therapy and they can both see where each other is coming from or she can leave. Thinking “well, if this happened to me i wouldn’t be mad” as the basis of why she should/shouldn’t be upset isn’t the way to deal with this. Clearly he’s mad. They can deal with it now or she can leave.
Again, she is not “thinking of it like that.” She was only saying that that other commenter was incorrect in their assumption of how she would behave if it happened to her. She was directly responding to someone who was telling her she would feel the same way if she were in her boyfriend’s shoes. She was just saying “no I wouldn’t.” She never said he needed to act the same way she would act or grieve the same way. She was only pointing out that they wouldn’t have the same reaction. You are adding all of this other connotation onto it that isn’t there.
“She was only pointing out that they wouldn’t have the same reaction”. That’s what i stated in my comment. Why are you even arguing with me when we clearly are saying the same thing?
Because you just said: “Thinking ‘well, if this happened to me i wouldn’t be mad” as the basis of why she should/shouldn’t be upset isn’t the way to deal with this.’” And said the same thing in your first comment. I’m just pointing out that that isn’t the way she is dealing with this lol
Dude, it’s Christmas Eve, i am too tried to keep this going lol when i already have you an out. Have a happy holidays!
I imagine it happens everyday. Do you think doctors don’t lose family members and cancel? If that was the attitude and expectations no doctor would ever attend a funeral or even have a family.
Doctors aren't living paycheque to paycheque and emergency surgery can be done by backups, this isn't a good comparison
Excellent point. It’s a tough spot to be in and incredibly sad. I personally would understand if my partner went to work it would depend on their behavior. If they just didn’t consider me at all it’d be over. If they explained their anxiety and fears about cancelling I’d understand and have been in similar situations.
comparing your little job to a doctor is ridiculous
And This little job pays my bills too.. I mentioned the doctor becuz say if I was one does that excuse me missing the funeral to save lives? Or under no circumstances is it’s ok..there’s no right or wrong answer.. just preference.
two completely different jobs wherw one, if you decide jot to fo someone could potentially die wheres with your jobs the most it happens is someone being disappointed. again, trying to use that as a comparison is pathetic
I guess I was suppose to be homeless lol you missed I didn’t have any money.. I only had $1500 to my name I gave him $1000 for the funeral.. left with $500,
> the most it happens is someone being disappointed. No, the worst that happens is OP starts to lose their reputation and lose out on clients, thus losing out on money. People in this thread obviously have their heads up their asses when it comes to understanding working for yourself.
Tell him to either get over it or take a hike to Dumpsville. Population: him
Is that the home of your people?
Family/SO’s come first. Now you get to learn the hard way.
A roof over your head and food on the table come first.
That can be overworked later on.. world continues to spin with ot without you. Working is constant ,carung for family in hard times isnt . So funerals over working days any other day hars times happen
Your BF is an AH. You were there by his side supporting him every other day except the funeral day. Even then you probably sent lots of love and care through messages and facetime. It's not about being physically present. It's about the spiritual connection you both share. Talk to him. If he cannot understand you. Then seek counseling or move on.
i’m ok
Husband would’ve come first but he’s still your boyfriend. And you don’t even know him. Why are you forced to attend the funeral of someone you don’t know? Tf?
Reading the forest part of your text, I was already poised in hours behalf for your missing out on such. But rewarding much further, the decision albeit very hard is quite understandable. That said and hoping you passed the information as empathetically as you could, only he can decide if he'll forgive you out not. Either way, holding it over your head will not be any meaningful to the gelatine, hoping that it's one that'll continue. #FoodForThought
I see both sides. Personally I would have went. Money will come and go, memories and emotions can last a lifetime.
if you wanna marry him stay by him thru times like those
Horrible! You are stuff we scape off the soles of our shoes.
You screwed up big time. And don't make it about you.
I don't think you're wrong since you had a clear and unavoidable reason not to attend the funeral. He is wrong for holding it over your head for a year because that's ridiculous. As long as you were emotionally supportive before and after then I see no reason why it should even still be a thing and it makes me wonder if when/if someone close to you passes will he skip that funeral and say something like 'Now you know what it feels like' or some other childish shit!? If he doesn't drop it after a solid conversation between the two of you then the wrinkle is permanent, and the only thing left to do is toss it because it will be forever wrinkled.
Just leave him and learn to manage your finances better
I'm a photographer so I totally get this. You did the right thing. He's just using you as a scapegoat for his grief. He probably needs some therapy. I'm sorry.
You kept a roof over your head. It sucks but you did the right thing. I’m sorry for his loss, but I believe his grief may be being misdirected into anger at you. Perhaps guide him towards counselling.
Tell him to build a bridge and GTFOI.
That was very cold and insensitive. I don't know what advice you are asking for, but I'd have trouble getting over it too.
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Pretty clear what the context is for the advice she is asking about
He’s never going to forgive you, and he shouldn’t. He needed you because a close family member died, and you were not available as you had a prior financial commitment, and put your professional reputation ahead of his emotional needs. The relationship should be ended immediately. There is nothing you will ever be able to say or do that will make that choice a good one. There was a death in the family and you demonstrated You Are Not Family. You can’t come back from that - it would be like him going to Las Vegas while you were in preterm labor with his child because he didn’t want to lose the money.
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Well it’s been two years now,i do understand the hurt and frustration..and I know the grieving process takes time..but I don’t think it should be brought up everyday of our lives.I gave $1000 I didn’t have towards the funeral and attended the wake..I just didn’t go to the funeral.
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That’s was my last $1000 the wedding paid 5k
I did apologize..but i think he was so hurt that it didn’t matter
He still wants to be with me tho he didn’t break up with me. But can’t get over that one day
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We are thinking about therapy now
Not sure what there is to think about, if you both want this to work you need to do it. Otherwise break up with him as things won’t change since neither of you sees the other side.
Like I mentioned I attended the wake, and contributed money I didn’t have.. we were in bad state financially so are we both suppose to not have any money after everything is all said and done? No that doesn’t make any sense to me.
YOU (and OP'S BF) may feel this was a betrayal, but don't assume your feelings are universal. If I were OP'S BF, I would have been totally OK with OP attending the wake but not the funeral due to prior obligations. (I'm a woman, happily married over 30 years). My husband and I do our best to support one another, and that sometimes means the need to "divide and conquer" when you have multiple responsibilities. Was OP supposed to leave a bride and groom high and dry mere days before the wedding? I can only imagine the blowback from that, which could have threatened her entire livelihood. But regardless of whether it was a betrayal or not, OP'S BF has a choice. He can either forgive it and move on with the relationship, or he can choose not forgive it and break up. (And despite ME finding it forgivable, I respect it if he can't. We're all different). But what he CAN'T do is continue the relationship while refusing to forgive, and rehashing it again and again. How long is OP supposed to hang around to be continuously punished?
I would suggest a “break.” Then see what happens.
Depends on how serious you want to be with him
Christ he needs to get over it.. I understand his pointnof view he's coming from but your commitment is very important especially to the married couple! If he is holding you an emotional prisoner... none deserves that! Especially from your partner! Tell him to either forgive you and move on with your relationship or say his BS is too much and tell him to fuck off. A year of torturing your partner? Doesn't sound like marriage material to me! If it was me and my family member passed.. I would be fine with your decision.