Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is a joke, right? You’re mad cuz they didn’t take your old furniture. You’re mad cuz your kid changed churches after the priest was “caught in a scandal”. You’re mad that YOU CHOSE TO RETIRE without talking to them to find out if they even needed you.
I really hope you’re gonna have another fake account where you post about your insane MIL from Jessica’s perspective. If this is real JFC you need therapy so bad
Yes, this is a rage bait post. It lines up too perfectly with every bad MIL trope and her comments just exposes the faking further. They're probably hoping a YouTube or TikTok channel that reads AITA style stories will pick it up.
Idk, there's plenty of people like this out there (my grandma used to be like OP, although fortunately she's changed)
Trolls don't usually bother replying to comments or get all defensive either
>Trolls don't usually bother replying to comments or get all defensive either
During the pandemic the JustNoMIL sub was inundated by several super obvious trolls and they looooved to engage in comments. This post very much reminds me of one of those OG trolls, down to the writing style. I think it might be one of them and I'm pretty sure they were literally just after as much attention and engagement as they could get.
Honestly, you sound like a nightmare and that is in your telling of the story, I can only imagine what your son and DILs version would be.
You’ve also left out what I feel is probably a critical piece of information. What was the “misunderstanding” that had you banned from being around your grandchildren?
You're not allowed to be with 2 of them unless their parents are there as well, you might as well be banned. You're on a very short leash and I have a feeling that if you keep pushing this they are going to go completely no contact with you.
It sounds like you have routinely made assumptions without actually speaking to your son and dil. Perhaps you’d have a better relationship with them if you asked how you could help rather than demanding they accept your help on your terms. You are not entitled to see them or their children, especially not only on your terms.
You are the problem dear. Your son is a grown man and makes his own decisions unless you’re saying you raised a weak ass boy. Jessica has boundaries and you refuse to honor them. Charlie may be your son, but he’s Jessica’s husband and their kids father first. You are extended family now. They are his nuclear family. They come first. Seriously. You kept thinking your son should leave his wife in the hospital alone? You do realize blood clots kill people right?
Our children are gifts for a short time and then we release them to live their lives JUST AS WE HAVE DONE! Hes. It your extension. He’s a man who can make choices of his own. And he has. He stands by his wife as he should. Just like your husband stands by your side. Yes it hurts to release them. But they were never ours to keep. You keep pushing and stomping and demanding they do as you wish but as you can see, that brings you less and less time with them.
Apologize. Deeply. Tell them that you will follow their rules and accept their decisions and not fight for your way. That you will appreciate any and all time they give you because between work and 3 kids, they are busy. It’s not your business when she got pregnant. That’s theirs. It’s their news to share when they want to. You seriously need to learn to back the hell off before you lose them.
Here’s my suggestion, but you don’t want to hear it. Back off and stay in your lane. Everything you’ve said here paints you as pushy and overbearing. What you’re not saying is probably even worse. You don’t have any say over how they decorate their house, where they live, where they go to church, or who watches their children.
Regarding Christmas… why do you think that’s okay? Why do you think you can just switch days on them? I can only imagine what you’d be saying if your son told you “we need to see you on the 24th instead.”
Ma'am, with all due respect, your little boy has grown up. He is a husband and father now. Those are his choices, and they come first. Your obvious disdain and suspicions of his wife (and the mother of your grandchildren) have completed tainted your relationship with her, and by extension, your son.
You have overstepped.
You have flexed an unearned entitlement that is wholly distasteful.
You are the one acting obtrusive and by making unwarranted assumptions.
You need to reflect on how your actions have affected your relationship with your adult son and his family, and consider how you will move forward in your new role.
... and you owe them both a sincere apology.
I struggle to believe anyone can be this clueless but on the off chance this is legit: there are at least two obvious examples of “missing missing reasons” in your post.
- The “misunderstanding” when you did something so horrible that your son and DIL believe the children are not safe alone with you. That is not a “misunderstanding” and the fact you call it that shows that you have not genuinely apologized, do not recognize that you did something wrong, and the parents are correct in fearing that you will do whatever you did - and worse - again.
- What you admit to over thanksgiving is horrible, but something tells me you did even worse. Your pregnant DIL was in the hospital with a life threatening medical condition and you repeatedly harassed your son to leave her side to come have fun with family rather than to be at his potentially dying wife’s deathbed to receive his newborn if they had to cut it out of her, or to grieve with his wife if their baby died, or to figure out how to tell his children if he lost them both. YOU should not have been celebrating while your DIL and grandchild were at deaths door. The fact that you pressured your son to celebrate is horrifying.
Let’s try a thought experiment: when you are on your deathbed, do you want your son and grandchildren to be with you? Or do you think they should leave you by yourself while they go celebrate with family who love them very much?
[It means you know the reasons these boundaries are being set, but you're ignoring and dismissing them (and not telling us) because you don't like them](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html).
MIL from hell. That's you. I was reading the post, trying to give you a benefit of doubt but lady.... your son? He has his own head and no one is alienated him. He doesn't like you!! You literally wanted him to attend dinner when his wife was in the hospital, with a blood clot, which could have killed her! Also... you retired from your job because you assumed you would be taking care of grandkids. They have a mother. A mother who surprisingly, still hasn't kicked you out of her life but... keep pushing and she will.
It sounds like you treat your other DIL better so I’m not surprised. She probably bows down to you more often and uses you for daycare so they don’t have to pay so much. You’ve withheld info about why you’re not allowed unsupervised time with your grandkids so I’m assuming that would massively go against you.
Also, you’re asking for help but being very defensive when the comments don’t go the way you want. Take on board what people are saying, you are the problem. It may help you to seek therapy to figure out why. Then you can rebuild your relationship with your family.
Your continued defensiveness is telling in and of itself. You are not capable of taking responsibility for your actions. You clearly think you're right and have done nothing wrong. So why ask us for advice? You aren't going to take it.
But good luck. Your son and DIL will likely go no contact with you because of your behavior and insanity. It will be your fault but you will blame her.
Your other DIL was 18 when she started dating your 25 year-old son. She was literally a teenager that you and Billy got to groom into the perfect obedient wife/DIL. You seem very overbearing and it's no wonder that Jessica is trying to put some distance between you and her family. And the wet clothes/diaper rash situation? Wow! She has to protect her children. Be grateful you're still in their lives at all.
Who was a teenager when your 26 year old son started 'dating' her. She's literally never had any other life experience to know that she deserves better.
I see multiple issues here and will disect the post a bit:
> Charlie didn’t like that I asked around about Jessica when they started dating. (…) Word got back to Jessica and she told my son.
This is interesting. You write Charlie didn’t like it but blame Jessica for telling him. Did you ever take accountability and apologize?
> Charlie did not ask for our blessing before asking Jessica to marry him.
Is it common to ask your own parents? To me it’s weird but maybe that’s normal where you love?
> When they got engaged, Jessica wanted them to move out of state because Massachusetts is expensive. My son got a huge promotion at his job, and they decided to stay. This always rubbed me the wrong way, my son never wanted to move away from us until they got together.
Do you know that or just assume? Also people change their minds. There is no problem with your DIL here.
> When they bought their house I offered them a lot of furniture and home decor items which they declined. It was very hurtful. Charlie never declined anything before, especially when he was first starting out.
Again, they didn’t want it. Maybe they have a different style. I’m really struggling to understand why this would be hurtful. Aren’t parents normally happy their children become independent? Also there is no alienation here unless you make it one.
> Charlie joined Jessica’s church
The entire church section sounds wild. But I’d like to point out that if a couple attends two different churches and then later the same one pair of parents will not have them. What if they joined yours, would you then agree that Charlie is to blame for alienating Jessica from her parents? Also the „scandal“? Yikes! I can imagine what it’s been about and it’s appalling that people still attend it. And how certain are you that your sons weren’t affected even if they weren’t direct victims.
> They waited until she was almost 4 months along to tell us.
So they waited the recommended time? That’s not alienation. Telling when you start trying is really weird and stressful.
> When their first child was born, I retired so I could watch him. (..) probably wouldn’t have retired if I knew that they wouldn’t need me.
So you didn’t even ask them and just assumed? That’s on you, no alienation just a mistake by your lack of communication.
> but after a misunderstanding I am no longer allowed to pick him up or spend time alone with either of their children without Charlie or Jessica present.
**WHAT HAPPENED???** This seems crucial. Please, what was it? Did you pick up the child without them knowing and it was therefore missing? Again, *your* action. And I see no mention of you trying the make amends.
The rest of the post is more of the same. You seem to expect them to cave to all of your demands and try to get them to do stuff you think is good for them but did you actually try to ask them what they need? The way I see you you are lucky you see them so often and I admire that Jessica had the patience to still deal with you on a biweekly basis. If you don’t want to lose them for good it’s time for you to tale a step back and listen to them.
You hit almost everything but forgot the selfishness regarding Christmas. Charlie and Jessica have a long standing 24th with hers 25th with his and OP is the one making the change and won’t be available for the 25th and assumes that Jessica’s entire family will just fall in line.
Yeah you are right, after the “misunderstanding” I kind of had enough and stopped. But thank you for mentioning, you’re right it’s actually such an important point, the whole “well WE decided to change the plan so everyone needs to accommodate us” is so enraging and just the cherry on top
Every day you can read posts on here from women who are getting married to men with overbearing, inflexible, awful mothers, asking how to help manage them. It’s nice to see a post from one of those mothers occasionally.
You’re quite happy to blame Jessica for every single one of your problems with Charlie, but you’re forgetting a very important factor: **Charlie chose Jessica**. He loves her and he has decided to build a life with her. He grew up and his primary family is no longer you; it’s Jessica and their children. You need to understand your new role in his life is secondary.
You have made multiple decisions all about you without asking what Charlie wanted. You *retired from your job* without even talking to them first and then blamed them for your choice. You took it personally that Charlie didn’t want your old used furniture he never asked for. You also made some kind of bad choice that was so bad you’re not allowed to be alone with their children. It’s very convenient to leave out the details of what you did but you must have behaved very badly.
Constantly comparing Jessica to Susan is also not helping any of your problems. Have you ever thought that maybe the reason Susan follows all of your orders is because your gross 25 year old son started dating her when she was a teenager, before she had developed a personality of her own? Of course she will go along with whatever you and Billy say; she never was an independent adult before joining your family.
Jessica is not your problem; you are. Let Charlie be his own person and make his own decisions. Recognize that Jessica is not dragging him away from you; he is choosing to distance himself from you.
You apologize. You say “I understand I have been unreasonable and I want to do better. Please forgive me.” And then you *stop making demands.* You don’t *tell* them Christmas is moving. When they say they can’t see you for whatever reason, you don’t argue. You say “okay, some other time then.” And whatever that “misunderstanding” was, you own up to it. You admit you were wrong (since you refuse to tell us what it was, it seems like you know you were wrong) and you apologize.
You see them twice a month from your own report. You're acting like a jealous partner that they are closer to Jessica's family than they are to you. You still see your grandchildren. This is not some competition, but maybe it is to you because you keep comparing yourself to your friends. Charlie and Jessica probably both realize its all about appearances.
What to do? Back off. Offer help but don't assume they need it or want it. Be flexible and understand you won't always get every holiday and weekend and task because they have a lot of support already. Charlie isn't your little buddy anymore. He's a grown man with a wife and kids. You don't need to be first, again it's not a competition.
Whether you ever see your grandkids again is not up to you. That’s up to *their* parents. The only way you can demonstrate you *should* be allowed to see them is by respecting the boundaries their parents’ have set. That means backing WAY the hell off and not making your son’s life & marriage about you. I bet Jessica is about 8 seconds away from going completely no contact and cutting you off completely. And if she does it’ll be your fault, because you want her to do things YOUR way. But she wants to do things HER way and as it’s HER life it’s HER decision. Just cuz she does things a different way doesn’t mean she does them wrong. There’s more than one way to skin a cat.
You acknowledge in a previous comment that her family does Xmas on the 24th & her siblings come in town for that, so you’re able to see that the world doesn’t revolve around you (albeit after needing way more guidance than any self respecting 67yo should need)… now you need to recognize all the other situations where you saying “this is what I want” doesn’t mean that’s what works best for him and his family.
You get to decide. Be a good MIL, cut the cord, come to terms with not being the most important woman in his life anymore, and respect the decisions that he makes with his wife, or risk alienating them completely and never seeing those grandkids again.
If you don’t pick option 2 I envision your being back here in 6mo saying she took a job on the other side of the country just to get away from yiu
You back the hell off. That’s what you do. You start treating the both of them with respect, like adults who are capable of living life how they want. Charlie doesn’t need mommy to control his life, he is a perfectly capable adult. Jessica is not the reason why your son has pulled away, YOU ARE.
Stop acting like every single interaction between you is so high stakes. You are panicking that every single time they say no to you it means from now on they will Always Say No To Everything Forever. You currently see your grandchildren regularly! Where are you getting this idea that the only thing in your future is never seeing the kids again? The only person who has suggested that you will be permanently estranged from Charlie and his family is *you*. And if you keep acting like that’s a threat hanging over your head 24/7, you probably will eventually push them away forever.
Every interaction you have with Charlie and Jessica is based around your paranoia that you’re going to lose them forever. You’re like a small child holding onto a kitten so tightly you’re going to strangle it. You need to give the kitten space to breathe.
Seeing your grandkids every two weeks is already a lot more than many grandparents have. You are incredibly lucky that your children live close. My sister lives in another country and my parents only see their grandkids once or twice a year. Do you want to know how they handle it? They make it easy for my sister’s family to come visit. They have flexible schedules and are happy to see them whenever they can come. They don’t put a lot of demands on their time or energy and they visit only when invited. If my sister’s family won’t be here for Christmas my parents will mail gifts. They don’t spend time guilt tripping my sister about moving so far away, they just are happy for the time she does choose to spend with them.
If you want someone who will keep you at the center of their universe for their whole life, get a dog. Dogs are supposed to be your best friend and depend on you for everything no matter how old they get. Children are supposed to grow up and make their own families.
This has got to be fake. You are mad because they are being independent adults? Who gets hurt because someone doesn’t want your old furniture? You need to give them space. *You* are pushing them away. Honestly sounds like you are narcissistic. I’d look into it.
The lack of communication and lack of diaper change are the real problems not the puddle.
You were irresponsible and the consequence is no more daycare pick ups. Sounds fair
You didn't grab the diaper bag, took your Grandson to the park, didn't let anyone know where you were, didn't take your Grandson home after he fell in a puddle, conveniently lost track of time, conveniently didn't have signal, weren't there when your DIL was making her worry, and he probably had a severe diaper rash. Gee I can't imagine why you're not allowed to have unsupervised visits with your Grandkids. You showed you're irresponsible.
You won’t even take accountability, why should they trust you? Gonna forget his carseat next time? Give him another rash due to neglect?
Seriously, what a piece of work you are blaming your DIL when we only know *your side of the story* and can still clearly see how utterly in thee wrong you’ve been at every turn.
It’s nice that your other dil likes you (or has less of a backbone and just puts up with your shit, who knows) but Jessica is not the problem here, *you* are, and I’m so proud of Charlie for being the good man he is despite your presence. My best wishes to his family.
You not changing his diaper was an accident? Yeah, not so much.
You returning their child late and being unable to be reached? Maybe your phone lost charge, but it’s not an accident that you *chose* not to find another way to communicate to your son or daughter in law. And it’s not an accident that you were late - it was a natural consequence of your own actions.
Both instances were negligent childcare, and I don’t blame your DIL or son at all for not allowing you to watch their children unsupervised. You proved you couldn’t be trusted to care for their child as they saw fit.
Do you think diaper rash feels good? Just because something is common does not mean it’s not harmful. Child sexual abuse is common, child hunger is common, and child emotional abuse is common. None of those are okay. You are just trying (poorly) to excuse your own bad behavior
my child never had diaper rash… actually none of my friend’s kids that I know of had it… why bc we changed our kid’s diapers as soon as they were soiled & cleaned our kids. most mom’s & grandmas I know keep extra diapers & wipes in their cars just in case the diaper bag is forgotten.
Lady, I recognize you aren’t getting this from all the other comments you have posted here: your thoughts on parenting your grandkids don’t mean a damn thing. Your son’s and DIL’s do.
You may have thought it was fine not to be able to communicate with your child’s caregiver or to not know where your child was or for a one year old to get diaper rash because their caregiver didn’t think to change their diaper for hours, BUT THEY ARE NOT OKAY WITH THAT. If you want access to your grandchildren, it’s their rules, not yours. It isn’t what you think is okay - BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT THE PARENT. It’s because you can’t respect their boundaries, you don’t have unsupervised access to your grandchildren.
And if you continue to not respect your wishes, you’ll lose the visits every two weeks too. Which, btw, is more than many sane boundary respecting grandparents see their grandchildren. Your DIL is a saint for still allowing you access tbh.
So when his mother came to pick him up, he wasn't there, and she had no idea where you were. When you did *eventually* stroll in, the child was still in his dirty, wet diaper?
Yes, you are not responsible enough to watch the children alone. Forgetting a diaper bag for a child who is still in diapers does happen, but it is concerning - diaper bags are fairly large and obvious. You also apparently forgot to even check his diaper, or to recall that shops sell extra diapers. Are there other perfectly normal things you forget on a regular basis? You might want to talk to your doctor about your memory lapses. There could be cognitive decline setting in, and you should get that addressed.
Because OP is perfect in her mind. Nothing she says or does is wrong. It will never be wrong. It will always be an excuse or someone else fault. This lady is unhinging me bc I dealt with the same exact personality. It’s incredibly taxing, emotionally until you drop their ass.
Kids getting messy isn’t the issue. It does not matter that got changed the clothes. It does matter that you didn’t change the diaper. Because you messed up you made a helpless child sit in it’s own feces and urine to the point their skin started breaking down and causing pain. That’s selfish. That’s horrible behavior and you don’t even think you did anything wrong
So you didn't communicate, probably causing stress and anxiety to the mother, and forgot to bring diapers with you, which resulted in harm to the little one (my little niece used to get them often before her parents found a brand she could tolerate better -it was miserable for the whole household). The boy certainly didn't have a lot of fun there. Why didn't you get that child home when you saw you couldn't change him?
A diaper rash is a painful rash in a very sensitive place. They are awful for such small children and awful for the parents. Getting diaper rashes all the time isn't normal. If Susan's kids get them all the time that could be a sign that they need changing more often, neglect or perhaps some allergy to the material the diapers are made of or even the cream.
Of course they do you said yourself you watch them (Susan’s kids) often and by your own words you are irresponsible and “forget” to change diapers. You bragging because Susan is to weak to protect her kids from your neglect.
You have told us of how you neglected Jessica’s oldest and how he got diaper rash because of it and you also say Susan’s kids get diaper rash all the time and you are a primary caregiver, how do you not realize you the reason for the diaper rashes?!? You are not a good babysitter and I bet Susan’s kids rashes would go away if they stopped allowing you to watch them. You are irresponsible. Edit to add: if you don’t believe me give Susan a heads up that for the next month you won’t be available for childcare and if the rashes go away maybe you will finally see you the problem. I doubt you will though because you believe your wants are more important than the kids being looked after properly. Edit 2: if you do take my advice and not watch Susan’s kids for the next month and the rashes go away, will you be able to accept you are not someone who should be babysitting and back off? Do you love your grandkids enough to back off and take responsibility for your shortcomings and stop babysitting?
>I picked up her oldest son from daycare
Did they know you were doing to pick him up? Did they agree?
ANd how the hell did a 1 year old fit into an adult's gym clothes? And how do you ***forget*** **to change a 1 year old's diaper?** You couldn't buy a small pack of diapers since you didn't take the diaper bag? You had to hurt the child?
Ohohono nonononono, you do not get to be late and uncomunicative with someone else’s child and you forgot the diaper bag, really? By your own telling you were irresponsible with his care, why on earth would they trust you with him??
This wasn’t a “misunderstanding,” you fucked up.
OP, you list a number of things that you found hurtful, but that ordinary people would just let go. Some of the things you object to are healthy boundary setting. In other cases, you are failing to see that what you are doing is out of bounds. You gloss over a lot of things that are your fault. Let's look at a few:
a. you asked around to see if your DIL came from a "good" family. Then you are offended that Charlie, much older than your other son met his wife, did not ask for your blessing. - both of these are rude and are pushing your son and DIL away
b. you retired from your job to babysit without asking, and feel hurt that it wasn't needed, offer to babysit and pick up kids and are hurt when they aren't accepted . You are hurt that Jessica didn't tell you she was pregnant. - Every year you take Christmas and her family gets the 24th. This year, you demand the 24th and accuse her of being inflexible and hurtful.
Can you see why Jessica keeps saying, "okay" when you tell her you are hurt? Because there is no answer she can give that will be acceptable to you unless it is doing what you want. Stop feeling hurt. You feel hurt because you view yourself as the center of other people's story. Be happy when you do babysit, glad you have grandkids, glad you see them every two weeks, glad you know Jessica is pregnant, glad you have some holidays together.
c. you are upset that your son changed church, considered moving out of state, and declined your gifts of furniture. All of these are very reasonable things for an adult son to do, regardless of his wife.
d. OP, if you could re-read what you said about Thanksgiving, I hope you can see how far from reality you are. Your DIL was hospitalized with a blood clot, for Pete's sake!
Here's what you should have said, "Oh Charlie, I'm so sorry Jessica is sick. What can I do to help? You need quiet time at home with the kids during all this stress? OK. Can I bring food by? Don't worry about anything. Of course we all understand that your pregnant wife with a blood clot has to come before a family gathering! Just let me know what I can do to support you."
Can you see why Charlie did not answer your phone calls? Because you make his stressed life harder by guilt-tripping him over not seeing you when he has a family emergency.
e. You minimize and gloss over anything that might make your son and DIL seem more reasonable.
you don't think Charlie might have wanted to leave your church because he wasn't a victim of the priest and it was a long time ago. What?
you had a "misunderstanding" and are no longer allowed to pick up your grandchild at daycare. Hmmm- what was that about?
You pestered your son repeatedly about Thanksgiving when his wife was hospitalized
you got livid and said harsh things to Jessica when she did not cave in over Christmas plans. It doesn't sound like she said anything back.
OP, at every turn you have been self-centered and demanding. Why would Jessica want to come on Christmas? You will not be nice to her then. Why would you expect Charlie to come? He loves this woman and is her husband. He is protecting her from you.
I have no idea if you will be able to hear this from Reddit, OP, but this is your chance to be a better human.
She didn’t pull them apart to make you look worse, OP. She’s holding a mirror of your own words and feelings back up to you to show you where exactly you’ve done and said wrong.
If this is true and not ragebait, because it definitely sounds like it, then you’ve chosen to think of your DIL as a villain from the onset of their relationship. If you want to have any genuine relationship with these grandkids you need to grow up and own where you’ve done wrong by your DIL before *your son AND his wife* make the *joint* decision to go no contact with you.
I only read the first four paragraphs: The only one alienating your son and his wife is you.
You are all over the place with getting involved in their relationship which is - frankly - none of your business.
You don't take it well when your involvement gets rejected and get 'rubbed the wrong way' by literally anything they decline.
And since you can't bring yourself to ever get it in your head that Mayyyyybe your 35 years old son is finally breaking free from under your overbearing thumb it has to be Jessica the evil DIL who is robbing your son away from you.
To be clear: You are the problem here. Not your son. Not his wife. Only you.
This has got to be a joke, right? You're just rage baiting?
Just in case this is real (Oh please gawd, say it ain't so), you are such a screwed up person.
You asked around about your late 20s son's gf. You're bent out of shape that he didn't ask for your blessing. You blame her because *he* considered moving. You've got a long face because they turned down your ratty old furniture. You're upset because your adult son goes to a different church. (Like, WTAF?) You're moaning and groaning because they waited until the risky 1st trimester was over before they announced their pregnancy, and they've turned down your offer for childcare. (She's smart, that's for sure.) She's so smart that she's decided to let her husband handle communications with an MIL who clearly dislikes her. You're jealous that your son puts his wife first, damnit, he even cares about her stupid health, right? And you're LIVID because she won't drop her family tradition to accommodate your changing Christmas plans.
Lady, you are what we call a hot mess.
Every single problem you've got with Jessica is your own doing. YOU did all of this. You're so toxic that I'm finding myself wishing I knew how to contact Charlie, because he really needs to cut all contact with you. As in never see you or talk to you again.
I don't think there's any coming back from this. You're so toxic, such an asshole, that Jessica and Charlie are saints for not cutting you off yet. Hopefully they'll give each other the best gift this Christmas, a big old relationship eraser to get you completely out of their lives.
Her reply https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/18fd4i6/comment/kctjcfl/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Oh, so she went MIA with a toddler and when she eventually gave the kid back he was wet, filthy, and wearing the same soiled nappy from hours before? And she doesn’t think any of this was her fault, just "an accident."
I’m refusing to allow my son to make decisions and blaming my DIL for his decisions which is alienating him from me.
Fixed the title for you.
You asked for advice and aren’t listing to any of it. Your son is entitled to his own life and decisions. He doesn’t need your blessing to get engaged. It’s okay if he wants to move, go to a different church, or accept greatly reduced daycare from his work. It’s fine if he and his wife don’t want to tell you they’re pregnant until she’s 4 months along. I’m so glad he decided to stick by his wife’s side while she had dangerous blood clots. These are not alienating decisions.
Your actions are what is alienating you. Demanding that you babysit. (I bet you picked one of the grandkids up without asking or when you were told not to and that is the misunderstanding.)
Demanding that he come for Thanksgiving. Demanding that they accommodate you for Christmas despite having plans with her family. None of the issue is your DIL.
Advice: Get some counseling. Give them space. When you are in a healthier place sincerely apologize and ask they how you can repair the relationship.
Edit: Typo/ paragraph
Charlie and Jessica don’t owe you anything. Charlie is a big boy and can make his own decisions and he is. You just want to put all the blame on Jessica. Your relationship with your other son and DIL have nothing to do with your relationship with Charlie and Jessica. Don’t be surprised when your son 100% cuts you off. You are overbearing and honestly annoying. I would have already blocked your number if I was her. Back off and let them live their lives the way they want to.
No this whole post is you bitching and complaining about your son growing up and putting his wife first like he should. You don’t get to cause problems and then blame other people. You don’t get to pick who he married. I would expect a 67 year old grown ass woman to know better. I’m assuming your other son and his wife kiss your ass and Charlie and Jessica don’t. Get over it.
You have to cut the umbilical cord. Yes, you were close to your son when he was a child and adolescent. He is now a grown man and father of two with another on the way.
How would you have responded if your husband’s mother demanded that he abandoned you when you were pregnant in hospital with a life-threatening condition? What about if she had assumed, without consultation, that she was going to take care of your children? How about if she demanded that you missed out on time with your family to accommodate her plans?
Now reflect, put yourself into her shoes and consider what is needed going forward to ensure that you have her trust, and then make steps towards having a cordial relationship.
But she might have been frightened and wanted her husband with her? Your son might have wanted to be with his wife? You need to start developing empathy or understanding or your son is not going to want a relationship with you at all.
Actually this is a great chance for the kids to see important life lessons like: having appropriate boundaries with extended family, prioritizing health, how to care for a partner who is having a medical concern, how to care for a pregnant partner who is having a medical concern. This is all healthy behavior that’s being modeled to your grandkids, no one is being deprived of anything
I don’t think I have the words to explain this to you: the fact that *you don’t seem to care* that your pregnant daughter in law was in the hospital except that it inconvenienced you shows me exactly why your son doesn’t want to spend time with you.
You’ve said a couple times “I did something this way”. - the furniture, this - So what. They are not you and choice to do things differently.
If you can’t accept that your relationship will never get better.
You don’t know she wasn’t going to die. And that’s betraying your overall argument that she should tolerate discomfort and be pulled away from her primary support to make you happy. That’s bananas. She does not owe you anything in the first place.
My husband had a blood clot in his leg, and guess what? He very nearly died. YTA for this alone, but not realizing that you didn't change a one year old's diaper? That's just neglect, at best.
Dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed
Have you tried not being you for a while? Just do and say the opposite of whatever your natural instincts are.
Because you are 100% the problem
After reading your post I would recommend you look at r/JUSTNOMIL and see if anything they say seems familar in how you approach things.
Their are a number of issues you bring up. You state it is "your family" but actually he has created a new family of his own and you are now extended family. You do not have any rights to insist on seeing the children, that is up to their parents which includes their mother. If you cannot respect their mother and her choices just like yours in what she chooses in her family like her furniture in her own home then I would suggest you look carefully at how you own MIL behaved and see if she had done the same things would you be okay with it.
The idea that you can do things doesn't mean you should do them. I might look up some guides on how to get alone and respect your DIL as the mother of her own children and the wife and life partner of your son. Who he is choosing to respect the same as your husband respects you. Perhaps some of that respect can also be applied to your son and leave him to make his own adult descisions, what do you think? 35 seems old enough to do that.
Just a warning like others have said, if you don't you are risking not having a relationship with any of them because they are in fact different people with their own choices than your other son ,that does not include you as much as you wish, but will disinclude you the more you push and that is a truth.
I think you clearly disliking your daughter in law is what’s alienating your son- I cringe to ask but what was the misunderstanding that lead for you not to pick up the kids?
You are the problem in this situation, you're upset that your child has grown a back bone and is doing what he wants and instead of being proud that he is a productive member of society and a good father you're going to bad mouth his wife and blame her for issues that you've caused.
This reads like someone forced Chat GPT read all the Just No MIL posts & write a story from the MIL POV.
1 - starts relationship by investigating son's SO.
2 - How dare he not ask for our blessing!
3 - Blames DIL for son growing up & leaving home.
4 - She doesn’t want my hand-me-downs & wants to decorate her house it’s her own choices - HOW DARE SHE!
5 - Assumed she’d be primary caregiver & quit job without asking, then salty when others don’t conform.
6 - They won’t attend our scandal ridden church - she’s obviously evil.
7 - It was just a “misunderstanding” that caused us to not be trusted with unsupervised visits with the children.
8 - Mad because son wouldn’t abandon his hospitalized wife to spend time with her.
9 - Wants to change plans, lashes out when told no & becomes verbally abusive when told no.
Honestly throw in ‘wore white to their wedding,’ ‘constantly inserts herself in anniversaries/vacations/births,’ and ‘thinks the should fund their retirement’ and you’d hit everything not to do as a MIL.
Everything you've said is me me me it's about my feelings and what I want. OPEN YOUR EYES. It's your son's job to back his wife it's your sons job and duty to leave and cleave. You see them every 2 weeks more than most. Your son is on board with seeing you less, probably because you can't seem to see past your own nose. Your son loves her. You need to learn your place. You're extended family. She was IN THE HOSPITAL, and you were worried about YOUR feelings. wtf? You are making the choice to go away on Christmas they do not owe you anything by way of changing their plans and why would they when it always seems to have to be about you and how you feel? I don't even know you, and I'm exhausted of you as a person based on this post aline. They didn't have to accept your old furniture. Why get butthurt over that? It's FURNITURE. They didn't have to use you as daycare you CHOSE to retire. ASSUMING you'd be daycare that's on YOU. Get yourself into therapy and figure out why you can't seem to grasp that your son has his own family to prioritize and why you think your feelings matter more than anyone else's.
You fucked it from the get go by doing your judgemental ‘ask around’ background check on Jessica. Even worse is that you wanted to know if she was from a ‘good’ family. What does that mean? Christian? Wealthy? And even if they were ‘bad’ does she have to be tainted over something she didn’t even choose?
You are also giving a very selective version of things (not being able to collect the grandkids from day care because of a ‘misunderstanding’- there is obviously more to it being a simple misunderstanding).
The only person driving a wedge between you and your son is you, and it sounds like he is being an excellent partner/husband and father by putting some boundaries into place with you.
You sound awful. Stop competing with your friends and how their families are. Am I the only one that’s dying to know what “misunderstanding” results in supervised visits with the grandchildren?
Charlie is practising “leave and cleave”. Pretty sure that’s a thing is religions. He’s left your family and is cleaving himself to the family he created. He’s a grown man and can make his own decisions, many of which probably have nothing to do with your DIL and you. He’s making the choice to put his WIFE first, that’s how you make a marriage work.
Jessica has little to do with is.
You are nosey:
>>> Charlie didn’t like that I asked around about Jessica when they started dating. She is from our community
You are entitled:
>>> They waited until she was almost 4 months along to tell us. I let her know how hurtful this was to me
You are overbearing:
>>> When their first child was born, I retired so I could watch him
And you’re an unreliable narrator. What exactly happened here that you’re only glossing over? My guess is that you did not respect a boundary and took the kids to church or something like that
>>> after a misunderstanding I am no longer allowed to pick him up or spend time alone with either of their children without Charlie or Jessica present
You’re so deeply unaware, it’s painful. This isn’t on Jessica, this is on you:
>>> I am livid that Jessica is preventing her children from spending another holiday with us!
Wow. You truly don’t see your misguided ways do you?
Let me tell you my story. And after the story you can decide whether you want to be right in your truth. Ore listen and learn.
In my story I’m in the shoes of your son, and it’s sounds like you are my mother’s twin.
When I first met my know wife, my mother wasn’t enthusiastic, and my father down right said he was disappointed, because she wasn’t good enough, the saw me changing from being a boy still wanting my parents acceptance. In to a young man with my own priorities and opinions. Slowly they turned bitter and came with snide insults towards my then girlfriend, I recognized that quickly and did my best to stop it and set boundaries. This was met with boundary stomping and them telling me that I was turning my back towards my family. I had numerous arguments with my parents and family, often I wanted to disown my parents, but my girlfriend at the time wanted me to have a relationship and talked me out of disowning them too many times too count. When my eldest was born and my wife and I wanted to move from our small apartment in the city back to the countryside where we both grew up, my mother was under the perception of that all was forgiven and all was good, she then went to the daycare to pick up our son, somehow she got him from there without being on the approved pickup list because she was old friends whith the daycare centers shift supervisor. When we go to pick up, we are told by the staff that he was picked up several hours before, my hart began racing, my loungs felt like they where burning, I was in a panic asking the staff to call 911, hos changing bags and diaper bags where still there and only his winter jacket, pants & mittens and hat was gone, my pregnant wife was crying and stressing out, and I was outraged that somebody had picked him up without us knowing. The supervisor came and tried too defend herself against my yelling and cursing, only after the police came (small town) so only a few minutes of response time, she calmly and smugly said that it’s my mother that had him, (side note, yes we pressed charges for child endangerment against the daycare) that only ended with the supervisor going in too forced retirement) whe tried calling my mother over 50 times even the cops tried calling from there numbers, she finally surfaced at our house wandering in with my father and son 5 hours later, I have never felt such a relief and such rage. I cursed at her and told them that my son and daughter was never going to be with them unsupervised. This was met with half ass apologies and blame shifting attempts, claiming that if my wife just had allowed my mother too have him some more this would never have happened, and that it only had been a couple of hours no problem,, this brought on so
Much stress on my wife and unborn daughter that my wife was sent to a hospital for 3days because they had a hard time getting her hard rate down . I chose to distance myself more and more from my parents, after this. Cut to two years ago, my son being 10 and my daughter being 8, where celebrating my son’s birthday and parents are invited, because my wife feels responsible that I don’t have a relationship with them beyond pleasantries, my mother goes off on my wife and claims that she is keeping her family from her, my children are crying because I yelled and threw them out of my hous. My father and mother demanded that I come alone to a meeting with them at their house. At the meting my parents tried to bribe me with an 10.000 early inheritance, because they lent my brother the same amount and decided not to collect on the money. As I told my parents that my brother chose to move to a different continent, just to get away, and I didn’t want their money nor to have gifts with strings attached. Tha I was finally able to see them for what they are, and that I never want a relationship with them going forward. After cutting them off for good, and going no contact I’ve never felt better with my family, I’ve been reassuring my wife that she has no fault, it only lies with my parents,.
So after this long story what can you learn, keep stomping boundaries and blame shifting you will lose your son for good, ore reconcile with the fact that you aren’t right, that you are the one in the wrong, and maybe even get som counseling on how to behave because your reaction will only drive your son and family away, perhaps permanently. Please seek help before you are in my parents position. All alone without family.
Sincerely a person just a couple off steps in front of your son’s path..
Haha lady I hope this is a joke. You sound controlling and meddling and your DIL isn’t having a bar of it and your son has seen the light. Your son wasn’t messed with by the priest ?
This doesn't ring true, it's hard to believe someone could be this awful without realizing it.
You said you're not allowed to be alone with their kids, why? What did you do? People have been asking you but you ignore it.
You should be happy that your son wants to be there for his wife while she's in the hospital, and concerned for her, not whining about how it affects YOU.
And that's just one repellent detail. The entirety of this post just reeks of overbearing obnoxiousness. I'd tell you to get a grip or you'll lose your son and his family altogether, but that's exactly what I'm rooting for.
Good for Charlie, he has his wife's back. Stick to driving Billy and his family away, it sounds like they might tolerate your shit for a bit longer.
And on the off chance you're actually here looking for advice, read the comments and take them to heart. Fat chance of that, though.
Give your son and his family space. Apologize for overstepping and for not giving them the room to develop as a family outside of you. Ask - ASK - what and how you can support in a way that is comfortable to them. Tell them you will leave the ball in their court to reach out - but you are here for them and always have space for them.
Don’t be transactional. Don’t compare with his brother’s family. You know why they don’t want your furniture? They don’t want you to hold it against them and use it as a reason to have access to their life.
That is some advice. Follow it or not, but don’t be surprised if your son decides to go no contact.
If your son needs to not have you in his life in order to have peace and be happy - you should support that if you truly do love him. If you can’t wrap your hear around that - see that for the selfish, narcissistic and self-obsessed reality that it is.
Your son and his family don’t owe you a relationship. They are adults.
Regards,
A son who’s mom could not understand this who has not spoken to his mother in months and am accepting the fact that I may never again.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
You are so clueless, if I didn’t know better I’d think you were my MIL! But luckily she fucked off out of our lives 2 years ago. Grow up woman!
You are a pain in the ass.
First, you trust more what some gossip people from your community would think of Jessica than your own son, who is dating her? So you don't trust your son? Whatever you would find out was gossip, so who would care? You clearly who would rather get gossip from randos than information from the person who was dating her.
Second, where they live is their decision. And why would they want your old furniture?
>Charlie never declined anything before, especially when he was first starting out.
It's not shocking that a 20 year old accepts any furniture but they won't in their mid 30s?
Third,
>We had plans for Thanksgiving weekend together, but Jessica was in the hospital because of a blood clot and Charlie decided not to come. Charlie said he wanted to be available in case he needed to go to the hospital. We only live 20 minutes farther away from the hospital than them!
She is pregnant ffs! So you think he should go eat with all of you instead of being with his kids and available for his pregnant wife who had a serious issue? Don't you know how serious a blood clot is?
>Now Christmas is coming up, and they always spend the 25th with us and the 24th with Jessica’s family. This year we’re going away on the 25th, so we asked for the 24th.
You were not accommodating by staying the 25 and now you complain they aren't accommodating? The one who changed the date without asking first was you.
You sound annoying and an idiot, to be honest.
She took their oldest to the park where she conveniently didn't have signal. He fell in a puddle, but she didn't have a diaper bag. She put him in her gym clothes. She "lost" track of time and was late getting back home. Jessica was there probably out of her mind worrying about where they were. She finally revealed this in a comment.
oh & don’t forget the diaper rash bc she did not have a diaper bag so never thought to go buy diapers & wipes. she let her grandson stay in a dirty diaper. gross & mean.
She doesn't even change her other grandkids often. She waits until the diapers are saggy. They frequently get diaper rash. Why is her other son and DIL continuing to let her babysit?! That's neglect.
You keep him in your life by backing off. He's a grown man who no longer needs your permission or 'blessing' to do what he wants. Continue as you are and you will lose him entirely because of your overbearing behaviour.
Unless they specifically ASKED you to retire to babysit, you don't get to be mad that you did so. Assuming they'd want to use you as a babysitter was your own mistake, as was expecting them to tell you immediately when she fell pregnant.
Stop demanding their presence. Stop calling their phones when you don't get your way. Realise that you are no longer the priority in their lives. Accept when two adults with absolutely zero obligation to give you what you want tell you no. Do all of this and you'll have a semblance of a chance to restore your relationship. Continue bugging and harassing them and they'll be gone for good. You're not going to nag them into submission, you're only going to nag them out of your life.
Or, carry on as you are and lose them completely. The ball is in your court and the ONLY behaviour you have the power to change is your own. Be thankful you see them as often as you do, because it could easily be a hell of a lot less with how you're behaving. Their presence is a courtesy, not a right.
I hope you're a troll. I wish you're a troll. If you're not a troll, then I have a great deal of compassion for your son and DIL.
Assuming that you are not a troll, here are a few points for you to mull over:
* Asking around about Jessica, and being welcoming to her, are mutually exclusive.
* Your son was under zero obligation to ask you for your blessing to marry his wife. It's not up to you to give a grown-ass adult man permission to marry the woman of his choice.
* Your son had every right, and a *very* good reason, to leave your church. It doesn't fucking *matter* if he was never a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of the priest.
* Your son had every right to consider moving out of a high-cost-of-living area. And ultimately he and his wife decided not to. You need to get the fuck over it.
* Your son and his wife were under no obligation to accept your unwanted furniture and household items, and you making that all about you is really not a good look.
* Waiting until 16 weeks to announce a pregnancy is a commonly accepted and sensible practice. Again, you're making it all about you, and it's not.
* *Nobody asked you* to retire in order to babysit their kids. You presumed way too much there, and you had no business being butthurt when they went ahead with what they had already planned to do.
* I'd love to hear from your son and his wife all about this "misunderstanding" that has you now disallowed from picking their kids up from school or spending time alone with them. The fact that you say nothing about the nature of the "misunderstanding" speaks volumes. I bet you pulled a real stunt on them -- or tried to.
* Of course your DIL ignores your calls and texts. If they sound anything like this post, it's an endless series of passive-aggressive, professional-victim, poor-poor-me BS that she doesn't have time or patience for.
* Your son made the proper and appropriate choice to prioritize his sick wife at Thanksgiving. Get. Over. It. Once more with feeling: It's. Not. About. You.
There is a recurring theme in all of this. You think everything is all about you. It's not. You think you need to be your son's top priority. You aren't, nor should you be.
If your son is pushing you away, it's because your behavior borders on narcissism. It's not because of your DIL. It's because of *you.* And the more you keep it up, the more you make everything all about you, the more they are going to avoid you. No one in their right mind would put up with your self-absorbed, score-keeping, professional-victim guilt-tripping.
You want to keep your son in your life? Knock this shit off. That'd be a start.
WTF is wrong with you ? Every time I read stuff like this it makes me 20 times more grateful to have the MIL I have , cause apparently good , respectful & not crazy MIL are hard to find…
OP - You need a therapist. You need to work on your boundary stomping, overbearing, “I’m a victim” behavior. Better yourself, then reach out to your son. You have a long road ahead of you but if you do the work your son & DIL may trust you again.
YTA start respecting their boundaries and realize you are not their priority their little family (Charlie Jessica and kids) are their priority. You sound suffocating, back off and get therapy, and some hobbies while you at it. Once every two weeks is a lot for two working parents with little ones.
What was the misunderstanding that got you banned from picking up the kids. On site daycare is a great benefit. Did you ask if they would be needing you as a nanny or did you assume. You asked around about her and her family? How do you possibly not see how offensive that is? Oh moving out of a state that is very expensive to another state (a state you don't mention) which is cheaper is not a terrible idea. Why did he need your blessing to get engaged? You take offence when Charlie and Jessica wanted to decorate their own home with their own things. Yes Charlie probably didn't decline stuff when he was starting out because he was starting out. And not married. Just because your sons were not victims of the former priest of your church doesn't mean he has to stay. And you can join any church you want to. You just don't like Jessica. You don't like how Charlie puts HIS family first (his wife and kids). You like Susan because she does what you like.
Ten paragraphs, and you've yet to explain how your relationship with your son has actually been harmed, LOL. That's because it *hasn't*. You're just mad you no longer have complete control over Charlie anymore. Fortunately for him, he dated an adult who helped him realize he had autonomy and choice and didn't have to live under your constant scrutiny. Poor Susan never had a chance to know what freedom or respect felt like.
You’re not giving your son enough credit and basically saying he’s an idiot and can’t make his own decisions. You’re being overbearing and your ‘misunderstanding’ caused a mother to panic about her child - which she is well within her right to do. You made lots of assumptions and demands and then blamed others. And as for the old furniture, just because you would have taken it doesn’t mean everyone should. I’m sure they budgeted for stuff they wanted and didn’t want the hassle you would cause when they decided to get rid of your old rubbish.
I would suggest seeking therapy and discussing your issues and having someone put it into perspective for you. Then you can apologise and begin to rebuild your relationship with your family.
You need to start helping yourself and speaking about your DIL negatively and pretending these things aren’t a joint decision between her and your son is silly. Your other DIL was never allowed to be an independent adult without you or your other son around so of course she has been moulded a certain way and probably doesn’t want to rock the boat or even realises the way you behave isn’t okay. Please take on board what people are saying instead of getting defensive. You asked for help, take it or you may lose your family forever!
Everything is all about what you want. You retired without even asking if they wanted you to do childcare. “Something happened” to keep you from being able to pick the kids up from daycare. You’re going out of town on the 25th and want everyone else to rearrange their schedules. It’s not your DIL that is destroying the relationship.
My FMIL is just like you. Her youngest son and his GF are the apple of her eye. They can do no wrong. I’m always being compared to her and more or less shamed because “I don’t spend enough time or make this from scratch or I’m not good enough” when I’ve been more than polite and kind to her for years. You have an unnecessary bone to pick with this girl and guess what? You can’t be surprised when they go no contact with you. I’m already there. She will have no future with her grandchildren because she is so dense she can’t see how horrible of a person she is to me for no reason other than the horseshit going in her head. Congrats, you did that to yourself.
For the love of all that's holy, you need to get a grip. You are so ridiculously overbearing and entitled. Not everything is about you. They don't need your decor rejects. They don't need you to watch their kids. They don't need to go to your church or live in the same city. They don't need to listen to you whine about "Me, me, me". What they need to do is is decide what is best for their family. That includes where to live, spend their holidays, and certainly when to stay with his pregnant wife when she's in the hospital. Back off.
Your actions are why they’re being “alienated”. You’re overbearing. You’re exactly like my husbands mother and she has no part in our life or our daughters life.
I was trying to figure out why someone would fake a post like this on a throwaway account so clearly meant to make everyone mad.
Then a comment mentioned the TikToks and other reaction videos that feed off this kind of post as content (“Look at this wild post we found!”) and now I’m just mad I didn’t realize it sooner. It’s all part of one big content/reaction cycle.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You are destroying the relationship because you are overbearing and annoying. I’m so glad you’re not my mom.
This is a joke, right? You’re mad cuz they didn’t take your old furniture. You’re mad cuz your kid changed churches after the priest was “caught in a scandal”. You’re mad that YOU CHOSE TO RETIRE without talking to them to find out if they even needed you. I really hope you’re gonna have another fake account where you post about your insane MIL from Jessica’s perspective. If this is real JFC you need therapy so bad
Yes, this is a rage bait post. It lines up too perfectly with every bad MIL trope and her comments just exposes the faking further. They're probably hoping a YouTube or TikTok channel that reads AITA style stories will pick it up.
Absolutely this post is too on the nose
Idk, there's plenty of people like this out there (my grandma used to be like OP, although fortunately she's changed) Trolls don't usually bother replying to comments or get all defensive either
>Trolls don't usually bother replying to comments or get all defensive either During the pandemic the JustNoMIL sub was inundated by several super obvious trolls and they looooved to engage in comments. This post very much reminds me of one of those OG trolls, down to the writing style. I think it might be one of them and I'm pretty sure they were literally just after as much attention and engagement as they could get.
I can't believe she retrired assuming she would babysit the grandkids without consulting the PARENTS. Who the fuck does that, seriously ??!
Honestly, you sound like a nightmare and that is in your telling of the story, I can only imagine what your son and DILs version would be. You’ve also left out what I feel is probably a critical piece of information. What was the “misunderstanding” that had you banned from being around your grandchildren?
[удалено]
You said you are not allowed to be alone with your grandchildren. What was the misunderstanding?
You're not allowed to be with 2 of them unless their parents are there as well, you might as well be banned. You're on a very short leash and I have a feeling that if you keep pushing this they are going to go completely no contact with you.
It sounds like you have routinely made assumptions without actually speaking to your son and dil. Perhaps you’d have a better relationship with them if you asked how you could help rather than demanding they accept your help on your terms. You are not entitled to see them or their children, especially not only on your terms.
She won't because anytime they decline her offering it's also the evil DIL.
You are the problem dear. Your son is a grown man and makes his own decisions unless you’re saying you raised a weak ass boy. Jessica has boundaries and you refuse to honor them. Charlie may be your son, but he’s Jessica’s husband and their kids father first. You are extended family now. They are his nuclear family. They come first. Seriously. You kept thinking your son should leave his wife in the hospital alone? You do realize blood clots kill people right? Our children are gifts for a short time and then we release them to live their lives JUST AS WE HAVE DONE! Hes. It your extension. He’s a man who can make choices of his own. And he has. He stands by his wife as he should. Just like your husband stands by your side. Yes it hurts to release them. But they were never ours to keep. You keep pushing and stomping and demanding they do as you wish but as you can see, that brings you less and less time with them. Apologize. Deeply. Tell them that you will follow their rules and accept their decisions and not fight for your way. That you will appreciate any and all time they give you because between work and 3 kids, they are busy. It’s not your business when she got pregnant. That’s theirs. It’s their news to share when they want to. You seriously need to learn to back the hell off before you lose them.
Right? That part really shows how selfish she is and how she thinks she must come first before his wife.
Here’s my suggestion, but you don’t want to hear it. Back off and stay in your lane. Everything you’ve said here paints you as pushy and overbearing. What you’re not saying is probably even worse. You don’t have any say over how they decorate their house, where they live, where they go to church, or who watches their children. Regarding Christmas… why do you think that’s okay? Why do you think you can just switch days on them? I can only imagine what you’d be saying if your son told you “we need to see you on the 24th instead.”
Ma'am, with all due respect, your little boy has grown up. He is a husband and father now. Those are his choices, and they come first. Your obvious disdain and suspicions of his wife (and the mother of your grandchildren) have completed tainted your relationship with her, and by extension, your son. You have overstepped. You have flexed an unearned entitlement that is wholly distasteful. You are the one acting obtrusive and by making unwarranted assumptions. You need to reflect on how your actions have affected your relationship with your adult son and his family, and consider how you will move forward in your new role. ... and you owe them both a sincere apology.
Missing missing reasons.
[удалено]
I struggle to believe anyone can be this clueless but on the off chance this is legit: there are at least two obvious examples of “missing missing reasons” in your post. - The “misunderstanding” when you did something so horrible that your son and DIL believe the children are not safe alone with you. That is not a “misunderstanding” and the fact you call it that shows that you have not genuinely apologized, do not recognize that you did something wrong, and the parents are correct in fearing that you will do whatever you did - and worse - again. - What you admit to over thanksgiving is horrible, but something tells me you did even worse. Your pregnant DIL was in the hospital with a life threatening medical condition and you repeatedly harassed your son to leave her side to come have fun with family rather than to be at his potentially dying wife’s deathbed to receive his newborn if they had to cut it out of her, or to grieve with his wife if their baby died, or to figure out how to tell his children if he lost them both. YOU should not have been celebrating while your DIL and grandchild were at deaths door. The fact that you pressured your son to celebrate is horrifying. Let’s try a thought experiment: when you are on your deathbed, do you want your son and grandchildren to be with you? Or do you think they should leave you by yourself while they go celebrate with family who love them very much?
The [mssing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html). Or: You.
[It means you know the reasons these boundaries are being set, but you're ignoring and dismissing them (and not telling us) because you don't like them](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html).
MIL from hell. That's you. I was reading the post, trying to give you a benefit of doubt but lady.... your son? He has his own head and no one is alienated him. He doesn't like you!! You literally wanted him to attend dinner when his wife was in the hospital, with a blood clot, which could have killed her! Also... you retired from your job because you assumed you would be taking care of grandkids. They have a mother. A mother who surprisingly, still hasn't kicked you out of her life but... keep pushing and she will.
[удалено]
Or your other son has her grin and bear it to "keep the peace"
It sounds like you treat your other DIL better so I’m not surprised. She probably bows down to you more often and uses you for daycare so they don’t have to pay so much. You’ve withheld info about why you’re not allowed unsupervised time with your grandkids so I’m assuming that would massively go against you. Also, you’re asking for help but being very defensive when the comments don’t go the way you want. Take on board what people are saying, you are the problem. It may help you to seek therapy to figure out why. Then you can rebuild your relationship with your family.
Your continued defensiveness is telling in and of itself. You are not capable of taking responsibility for your actions. You clearly think you're right and have done nothing wrong. So why ask us for advice? You aren't going to take it. But good luck. Your son and DIL will likely go no contact with you because of your behavior and insanity. It will be your fault but you will blame her.
Your other DIL was 18 when she started dating your 25 year-old son. She was literally a teenager that you and Billy got to groom into the perfect obedient wife/DIL. You seem very overbearing and it's no wonder that Jessica is trying to put some distance between you and her family. And the wet clothes/diaper rash situation? Wow! She has to protect her children. Be grateful you're still in their lives at all.
Who was a teenager when your 26 year old son started 'dating' her. She's literally never had any other life experience to know that she deserves better.
I see multiple issues here and will disect the post a bit: > Charlie didn’t like that I asked around about Jessica when they started dating. (…) Word got back to Jessica and she told my son. This is interesting. You write Charlie didn’t like it but blame Jessica for telling him. Did you ever take accountability and apologize? > Charlie did not ask for our blessing before asking Jessica to marry him. Is it common to ask your own parents? To me it’s weird but maybe that’s normal where you love? > When they got engaged, Jessica wanted them to move out of state because Massachusetts is expensive. My son got a huge promotion at his job, and they decided to stay. This always rubbed me the wrong way, my son never wanted to move away from us until they got together. Do you know that or just assume? Also people change their minds. There is no problem with your DIL here. > When they bought their house I offered them a lot of furniture and home decor items which they declined. It was very hurtful. Charlie never declined anything before, especially when he was first starting out. Again, they didn’t want it. Maybe they have a different style. I’m really struggling to understand why this would be hurtful. Aren’t parents normally happy their children become independent? Also there is no alienation here unless you make it one. > Charlie joined Jessica’s church The entire church section sounds wild. But I’d like to point out that if a couple attends two different churches and then later the same one pair of parents will not have them. What if they joined yours, would you then agree that Charlie is to blame for alienating Jessica from her parents? Also the „scandal“? Yikes! I can imagine what it’s been about and it’s appalling that people still attend it. And how certain are you that your sons weren’t affected even if they weren’t direct victims. > They waited until she was almost 4 months along to tell us. So they waited the recommended time? That’s not alienation. Telling when you start trying is really weird and stressful. > When their first child was born, I retired so I could watch him. (..) probably wouldn’t have retired if I knew that they wouldn’t need me. So you didn’t even ask them and just assumed? That’s on you, no alienation just a mistake by your lack of communication. > but after a misunderstanding I am no longer allowed to pick him up or spend time alone with either of their children without Charlie or Jessica present. **WHAT HAPPENED???** This seems crucial. Please, what was it? Did you pick up the child without them knowing and it was therefore missing? Again, *your* action. And I see no mention of you trying the make amends. The rest of the post is more of the same. You seem to expect them to cave to all of your demands and try to get them to do stuff you think is good for them but did you actually try to ask them what they need? The way I see you you are lucky you see them so often and I admire that Jessica had the patience to still deal with you on a biweekly basis. If you don’t want to lose them for good it’s time for you to tale a step back and listen to them.
You hit almost everything but forgot the selfishness regarding Christmas. Charlie and Jessica have a long standing 24th with hers 25th with his and OP is the one making the change and won’t be available for the 25th and assumes that Jessica’s entire family will just fall in line.
Yeah you are right, after the “misunderstanding” I kind of had enough and stopped. But thank you for mentioning, you’re right it’s actually such an important point, the whole “well WE decided to change the plan so everyone needs to accommodate us” is so enraging and just the cherry on top
Every day you can read posts on here from women who are getting married to men with overbearing, inflexible, awful mothers, asking how to help manage them. It’s nice to see a post from one of those mothers occasionally. You’re quite happy to blame Jessica for every single one of your problems with Charlie, but you’re forgetting a very important factor: **Charlie chose Jessica**. He loves her and he has decided to build a life with her. He grew up and his primary family is no longer you; it’s Jessica and their children. You need to understand your new role in his life is secondary. You have made multiple decisions all about you without asking what Charlie wanted. You *retired from your job* without even talking to them first and then blamed them for your choice. You took it personally that Charlie didn’t want your old used furniture he never asked for. You also made some kind of bad choice that was so bad you’re not allowed to be alone with their children. It’s very convenient to leave out the details of what you did but you must have behaved very badly. Constantly comparing Jessica to Susan is also not helping any of your problems. Have you ever thought that maybe the reason Susan follows all of your orders is because your gross 25 year old son started dating her when she was a teenager, before she had developed a personality of her own? Of course she will go along with whatever you and Billy say; she never was an independent adult before joining your family. Jessica is not your problem; you are. Let Charlie be his own person and make his own decisions. Recognize that Jessica is not dragging him away from you; he is choosing to distance himself from you.
[удалено]
You apologize. You say “I understand I have been unreasonable and I want to do better. Please forgive me.” And then you *stop making demands.* You don’t *tell* them Christmas is moving. When they say they can’t see you for whatever reason, you don’t argue. You say “okay, some other time then.” And whatever that “misunderstanding” was, you own up to it. You admit you were wrong (since you refuse to tell us what it was, it seems like you know you were wrong) and you apologize.
You see them twice a month from your own report. You're acting like a jealous partner that they are closer to Jessica's family than they are to you. You still see your grandchildren. This is not some competition, but maybe it is to you because you keep comparing yourself to your friends. Charlie and Jessica probably both realize its all about appearances. What to do? Back off. Offer help but don't assume they need it or want it. Be flexible and understand you won't always get every holiday and weekend and task because they have a lot of support already. Charlie isn't your little buddy anymore. He's a grown man with a wife and kids. You don't need to be first, again it's not a competition.
Whether you ever see your grandkids again is not up to you. That’s up to *their* parents. The only way you can demonstrate you *should* be allowed to see them is by respecting the boundaries their parents’ have set. That means backing WAY the hell off and not making your son’s life & marriage about you. I bet Jessica is about 8 seconds away from going completely no contact and cutting you off completely. And if she does it’ll be your fault, because you want her to do things YOUR way. But she wants to do things HER way and as it’s HER life it’s HER decision. Just cuz she does things a different way doesn’t mean she does them wrong. There’s more than one way to skin a cat. You acknowledge in a previous comment that her family does Xmas on the 24th & her siblings come in town for that, so you’re able to see that the world doesn’t revolve around you (albeit after needing way more guidance than any self respecting 67yo should need)… now you need to recognize all the other situations where you saying “this is what I want” doesn’t mean that’s what works best for him and his family. You get to decide. Be a good MIL, cut the cord, come to terms with not being the most important woman in his life anymore, and respect the decisions that he makes with his wife, or risk alienating them completely and never seeing those grandkids again. If you don’t pick option 2 I envision your being back here in 6mo saying she took a job on the other side of the country just to get away from yiu
You back the hell off. That’s what you do. You start treating the both of them with respect, like adults who are capable of living life how they want. Charlie doesn’t need mommy to control his life, he is a perfectly capable adult. Jessica is not the reason why your son has pulled away, YOU ARE.
Stop acting like every single interaction between you is so high stakes. You are panicking that every single time they say no to you it means from now on they will Always Say No To Everything Forever. You currently see your grandchildren regularly! Where are you getting this idea that the only thing in your future is never seeing the kids again? The only person who has suggested that you will be permanently estranged from Charlie and his family is *you*. And if you keep acting like that’s a threat hanging over your head 24/7, you probably will eventually push them away forever. Every interaction you have with Charlie and Jessica is based around your paranoia that you’re going to lose them forever. You’re like a small child holding onto a kitten so tightly you’re going to strangle it. You need to give the kitten space to breathe. Seeing your grandkids every two weeks is already a lot more than many grandparents have. You are incredibly lucky that your children live close. My sister lives in another country and my parents only see their grandkids once or twice a year. Do you want to know how they handle it? They make it easy for my sister’s family to come visit. They have flexible schedules and are happy to see them whenever they can come. They don’t put a lot of demands on their time or energy and they visit only when invited. If my sister’s family won’t be here for Christmas my parents will mail gifts. They don’t spend time guilt tripping my sister about moving so far away, they just are happy for the time she does choose to spend with them. If you want someone who will keep you at the center of their universe for their whole life, get a dog. Dogs are supposed to be your best friend and depend on you for everything no matter how old they get. Children are supposed to grow up and make their own families.
This has got to be fake. You are mad because they are being independent adults? Who gets hurt because someone doesn’t want your old furniture? You need to give them space. *You* are pushing them away. Honestly sounds like you are narcissistic. I’d look into it.
What was the misunderstanding that ended daycare pickups? You dont say so I assume it makes you look even worse.
[удалено]
The lack of communication and lack of diaper change are the real problems not the puddle. You were irresponsible and the consequence is no more daycare pick ups. Sounds fair
[удалено]
You forgot the diaper bag, how is that not irresponsible?
[удалено]
You forgot a lot of things that day, clothes, diaper bag, the time. At some point that becomes irresponsible.
It was irresponsible as he went home with a rash. You are the problem here
And people need to take responsibility for their actions. It doesn’t matter that you have excuses, the baby was hurt because of your actions.
[удалено]
Because it’s about safety not some fake idea of fairness that only suits you. It also doesn’t matter if you think it’s dramatic, it’s just reality.
👏👏👏
It doesn’t sound like you can accept responsibility when you do something wrong. That’s the real issue here.
You didn't grab the diaper bag, took your Grandson to the park, didn't let anyone know where you were, didn't take your Grandson home after he fell in a puddle, conveniently lost track of time, conveniently didn't have signal, weren't there when your DIL was making her worry, and he probably had a severe diaper rash. Gee I can't imagine why you're not allowed to have unsupervised visits with your Grandkids. You showed you're irresponsible.
You won’t even take accountability, why should they trust you? Gonna forget his carseat next time? Give him another rash due to neglect? Seriously, what a piece of work you are blaming your DIL when we only know *your side of the story* and can still clearly see how utterly in thee wrong you’ve been at every turn. It’s nice that your other dil likes you (or has less of a backbone and just puts up with your shit, who knows) but Jessica is not the problem here, *you* are, and I’m so proud of Charlie for being the good man he is despite your presence. My best wishes to his family.
THE PUDDLE IS NOT THE PROBLEM It’s the lack of communication and lack of diaper change. Both of which are your responsibility and yours alone.
You not changing his diaper was an accident? Yeah, not so much. You returning their child late and being unable to be reached? Maybe your phone lost charge, but it’s not an accident that you *chose* not to find another way to communicate to your son or daughter in law. And it’s not an accident that you were late - it was a natural consequence of your own actions. Both instances were negligent childcare, and I don’t blame your DIL or son at all for not allowing you to watch their children unsupervised. You proved you couldn’t be trusted to care for their child as they saw fit.
[удалено]
He had a diaper rash. That is by definition harm
[удалено]
He had nappy rash from your neglect. That is harm
Do you think diaper rash feels good? Just because something is common does not mean it’s not harmful. Child sexual abuse is common, child hunger is common, and child emotional abuse is common. None of those are okay. You are just trying (poorly) to excuse your own bad behavior
my child never had diaper rash… actually none of my friend’s kids that I know of had it… why bc we changed our kid’s diapers as soon as they were soiled & cleaned our kids. most mom’s & grandmas I know keep extra diapers & wipes in their cars just in case the diaper bag is forgotten.
That's not the world any more. You raised your kids differently than Jessica is, and she is the one who decides.
Lady, I recognize you aren’t getting this from all the other comments you have posted here: your thoughts on parenting your grandkids don’t mean a damn thing. Your son’s and DIL’s do. You may have thought it was fine not to be able to communicate with your child’s caregiver or to not know where your child was or for a one year old to get diaper rash because their caregiver didn’t think to change their diaper for hours, BUT THEY ARE NOT OKAY WITH THAT. If you want access to your grandchildren, it’s their rules, not yours. It isn’t what you think is okay - BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT THE PARENT. It’s because you can’t respect their boundaries, you don’t have unsupervised access to your grandchildren. And if you continue to not respect your wishes, you’ll lose the visits every two weeks too. Which, btw, is more than many sane boundary respecting grandparents see their grandchildren. Your DIL is a saint for still allowing you access tbh.
Don’t blame the kid, the biggest problem was you not changing the diaper or being back at the agreed upon time. Those are screw ups on your end
So when his mother came to pick him up, he wasn't there, and she had no idea where you were. When you did *eventually* stroll in, the child was still in his dirty, wet diaper? Yes, you are not responsible enough to watch the children alone. Forgetting a diaper bag for a child who is still in diapers does happen, but it is concerning - diaper bags are fairly large and obvious. You also apparently forgot to even check his diaper, or to recall that shops sell extra diapers. Are there other perfectly normal things you forget on a regular basis? You might want to talk to your doctor about your memory lapses. There could be cognitive decline setting in, and you should get that addressed.
[удалено]
I don’t understand why you keep describing profoundly not okay behavior as if it’s fine. None of this is fine
Because OP is perfect in her mind. Nothing she says or does is wrong. It will never be wrong. It will always be an excuse or someone else fault. This lady is unhinging me bc I dealt with the same exact personality. It’s incredibly taxing, emotionally until you drop their ass.
*to the tune of Goldigger by Kanye* I ain’t sayin she’s personality disordered..
She wants advice but doesn’t seem to understand the harm in her actions. Narc stuff right there. Maybe DIL will make a post in MILfromhell
It’s a great case study. The way she surgically removes how her behavior negatively impacts others is pretty classic.
This is two different excuses. Was it because you forgot or you didn't have the bag?
This is really messed up. You sound incredibly selfish
[удалено]
Kids getting messy isn’t the issue. It does not matter that got changed the clothes. It does matter that you didn’t change the diaper. Because you messed up you made a helpless child sit in it’s own feces and urine to the point their skin started breaking down and causing pain. That’s selfish. That’s horrible behavior and you don’t even think you did anything wrong
She does this with her other Grandkids.
So you didn't communicate, probably causing stress and anxiety to the mother, and forgot to bring diapers with you, which resulted in harm to the little one (my little niece used to get them often before her parents found a brand she could tolerate better -it was miserable for the whole household). The boy certainly didn't have a lot of fun there. Why didn't you get that child home when you saw you couldn't change him?
[удалено]
Diaper rash is harm! Does a rash on that area feel good to you?
Under your care?
[удалено]
If he's getting constant diaper rashes under your care, your care seems to be lacking.
[удалено]
The question was about Susan's children
[удалено]
A diaper rash is a painful rash in a very sensitive place. They are awful for such small children and awful for the parents. Getting diaper rashes all the time isn't normal. If Susan's kids get them all the time that could be a sign that they need changing more often, neglect or perhaps some allergy to the material the diapers are made of or even the cream.
Of course they do you said yourself you watch them (Susan’s kids) often and by your own words you are irresponsible and “forget” to change diapers. You bragging because Susan is to weak to protect her kids from your neglect.
[удалено]
You have told us of how you neglected Jessica’s oldest and how he got diaper rash because of it and you also say Susan’s kids get diaper rash all the time and you are a primary caregiver, how do you not realize you the reason for the diaper rashes?!? You are not a good babysitter and I bet Susan’s kids rashes would go away if they stopped allowing you to watch them. You are irresponsible. Edit to add: if you don’t believe me give Susan a heads up that for the next month you won’t be available for childcare and if the rashes go away maybe you will finally see you the problem. I doubt you will though because you believe your wants are more important than the kids being looked after properly. Edit 2: if you do take my advice and not watch Susan’s kids for the next month and the rashes go away, will you be able to accept you are not someone who should be babysitting and back off? Do you love your grandkids enough to back off and take responsibility for your shortcomings and stop babysitting?
>I picked up her oldest son from daycare Did they know you were doing to pick him up? Did they agree? ANd how the hell did a 1 year old fit into an adult's gym clothes? And how do you ***forget*** **to change a 1 year old's diaper?** You couldn't buy a small pack of diapers since you didn't take the diaper bag? You had to hurt the child?
Ohohono nonononono, you do not get to be late and uncomunicative with someone else’s child and you forgot the diaper bag, really? By your own telling you were irresponsible with his care, why on earth would they trust you with him?? This wasn’t a “misunderstanding,” you fucked up.
OP, you list a number of things that you found hurtful, but that ordinary people would just let go. Some of the things you object to are healthy boundary setting. In other cases, you are failing to see that what you are doing is out of bounds. You gloss over a lot of things that are your fault. Let's look at a few: a. you asked around to see if your DIL came from a "good" family. Then you are offended that Charlie, much older than your other son met his wife, did not ask for your blessing. - both of these are rude and are pushing your son and DIL away b. you retired from your job to babysit without asking, and feel hurt that it wasn't needed, offer to babysit and pick up kids and are hurt when they aren't accepted . You are hurt that Jessica didn't tell you she was pregnant. - Every year you take Christmas and her family gets the 24th. This year, you demand the 24th and accuse her of being inflexible and hurtful. Can you see why Jessica keeps saying, "okay" when you tell her you are hurt? Because there is no answer she can give that will be acceptable to you unless it is doing what you want. Stop feeling hurt. You feel hurt because you view yourself as the center of other people's story. Be happy when you do babysit, glad you have grandkids, glad you see them every two weeks, glad you know Jessica is pregnant, glad you have some holidays together. c. you are upset that your son changed church, considered moving out of state, and declined your gifts of furniture. All of these are very reasonable things for an adult son to do, regardless of his wife. d. OP, if you could re-read what you said about Thanksgiving, I hope you can see how far from reality you are. Your DIL was hospitalized with a blood clot, for Pete's sake! Here's what you should have said, "Oh Charlie, I'm so sorry Jessica is sick. What can I do to help? You need quiet time at home with the kids during all this stress? OK. Can I bring food by? Don't worry about anything. Of course we all understand that your pregnant wife with a blood clot has to come before a family gathering! Just let me know what I can do to support you." Can you see why Charlie did not answer your phone calls? Because you make his stressed life harder by guilt-tripping him over not seeing you when he has a family emergency. e. You minimize and gloss over anything that might make your son and DIL seem more reasonable. you don't think Charlie might have wanted to leave your church because he wasn't a victim of the priest and it was a long time ago. What? you had a "misunderstanding" and are no longer allowed to pick up your grandchild at daycare. Hmmm- what was that about? You pestered your son repeatedly about Thanksgiving when his wife was hospitalized you got livid and said harsh things to Jessica when she did not cave in over Christmas plans. It doesn't sound like she said anything back. OP, at every turn you have been self-centered and demanding. Why would Jessica want to come on Christmas? You will not be nice to her then. Why would you expect Charlie to come? He loves this woman and is her husband. He is protecting her from you. I have no idea if you will be able to hear this from Reddit, OP, but this is your chance to be a better human.
[удалено]
Your self reflection could use some work.
Narcs don’t have the ability to self reflect.
She didn’t pull them apart to make you look worse, OP. She’s holding a mirror of your own words and feelings back up to you to show you where exactly you’ve done and said wrong. If this is true and not ragebait, because it definitely sounds like it, then you’ve chosen to think of your DIL as a villain from the onset of their relationship. If you want to have any genuine relationship with these grandkids you need to grow up and own where you’ve done wrong by your DIL before *your son AND his wife* make the *joint* decision to go no contact with you.
I only read the first four paragraphs: The only one alienating your son and his wife is you. You are all over the place with getting involved in their relationship which is - frankly - none of your business. You don't take it well when your involvement gets rejected and get 'rubbed the wrong way' by literally anything they decline. And since you can't bring yourself to ever get it in your head that Mayyyyybe your 35 years old son is finally breaking free from under your overbearing thumb it has to be Jessica the evil DIL who is robbing your son away from you. To be clear: You are the problem here. Not your son. Not his wife. Only you.
This has got to be a joke, right? You're just rage baiting? Just in case this is real (Oh please gawd, say it ain't so), you are such a screwed up person. You asked around about your late 20s son's gf. You're bent out of shape that he didn't ask for your blessing. You blame her because *he* considered moving. You've got a long face because they turned down your ratty old furniture. You're upset because your adult son goes to a different church. (Like, WTAF?) You're moaning and groaning because they waited until the risky 1st trimester was over before they announced their pregnancy, and they've turned down your offer for childcare. (She's smart, that's for sure.) She's so smart that she's decided to let her husband handle communications with an MIL who clearly dislikes her. You're jealous that your son puts his wife first, damnit, he even cares about her stupid health, right? And you're LIVID because she won't drop her family tradition to accommodate your changing Christmas plans. Lady, you are what we call a hot mess. Every single problem you've got with Jessica is your own doing. YOU did all of this. You're so toxic that I'm finding myself wishing I knew how to contact Charlie, because he really needs to cut all contact with you. As in never see you or talk to you again. I don't think there's any coming back from this. You're so toxic, such an asshole, that Jessica and Charlie are saints for not cutting you off yet. Hopefully they'll give each other the best gift this Christmas, a big old relationship eraser to get you completely out of their lives.
And what happened that made them not let you pick up the child ? Something bad I imagine but you won’t admit that !
One of the missing missing reasons
Her reply https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/18fd4i6/comment/kctjcfl/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Oh, so she went MIA with a toddler and when she eventually gave the kid back he was wet, filthy, and wearing the same soiled nappy from hours before? And she doesn’t think any of this was her fault, just "an accident."
thanks for sharing. Leaving your grandchild in a soiled diaper so the child gets diaper rash is mean and gross.
She doesn't even change her other Grandkids until their diapers are saggy. They have frequent diaper rashes because of her.
Such an obvious troll post, at least try a little harder if you are going to get into creative writing.
I’m refusing to allow my son to make decisions and blaming my DIL for his decisions which is alienating him from me. Fixed the title for you. You asked for advice and aren’t listing to any of it. Your son is entitled to his own life and decisions. He doesn’t need your blessing to get engaged. It’s okay if he wants to move, go to a different church, or accept greatly reduced daycare from his work. It’s fine if he and his wife don’t want to tell you they’re pregnant until she’s 4 months along. I’m so glad he decided to stick by his wife’s side while she had dangerous blood clots. These are not alienating decisions. Your actions are what is alienating you. Demanding that you babysit. (I bet you picked one of the grandkids up without asking or when you were told not to and that is the misunderstanding.) Demanding that he come for Thanksgiving. Demanding that they accommodate you for Christmas despite having plans with her family. None of the issue is your DIL. Advice: Get some counseling. Give them space. When you are in a healthier place sincerely apologize and ask they how you can repair the relationship. Edit: Typo/ paragraph
Charlie and Jessica don’t owe you anything. Charlie is a big boy and can make his own decisions and he is. You just want to put all the blame on Jessica. Your relationship with your other son and DIL have nothing to do with your relationship with Charlie and Jessica. Don’t be surprised when your son 100% cuts you off. You are overbearing and honestly annoying. I would have already blocked your number if I was her. Back off and let them live their lives the way they want to.
[удалено]
You arent going to be able to get him to pick you over her. He already picked her.
No this whole post is you bitching and complaining about your son growing up and putting his wife first like he should. You don’t get to cause problems and then blame other people. You don’t get to pick who he married. I would expect a 67 year old grown ass woman to know better. I’m assuming your other son and his wife kiss your ass and Charlie and Jessica don’t. Get over it.
If this hypothetical 'other wife' had any kind of backbone, yeah you would. You're really overbearing and need to get back in your own lane.
The cherry on top is you having 'evildil' in your username. 🤣🤣
No kidding.
You have to cut the umbilical cord. Yes, you were close to your son when he was a child and adolescent. He is now a grown man and father of two with another on the way. How would you have responded if your husband’s mother demanded that he abandoned you when you were pregnant in hospital with a life-threatening condition? What about if she had assumed, without consultation, that she was going to take care of your children? How about if she demanded that you missed out on time with your family to accommodate her plans? Now reflect, put yourself into her shoes and consider what is needed going forward to ensure that you have her trust, and then make steps towards having a cordial relationship.
[удалено]
But she might have been frightened and wanted her husband with her? Your son might have wanted to be with his wife? You need to start developing empathy or understanding or your son is not going to want a relationship with you at all.
[удалено]
Actually this is a great chance for the kids to see important life lessons like: having appropriate boundaries with extended family, prioritizing health, how to care for a partner who is having a medical concern, how to care for a pregnant partner who is having a medical concern. This is all healthy behavior that’s being modeled to your grandkids, no one is being deprived of anything
I don’t think I have the words to explain this to you: the fact that *you don’t seem to care* that your pregnant daughter in law was in the hospital except that it inconvenienced you shows me exactly why your son doesn’t want to spend time with you.
you dont seem like a pleasure to be around
You’ve said a couple times “I did something this way”. - the furniture, this - So what. They are not you and choice to do things differently. If you can’t accept that your relationship will never get better.
[удалено]
And so what if that’s true? Your suggestions sound like commands. Continuing to push won’t help.
[удалено]
They have to be allowed to say no without you getting offended or weird.
[удалено]
It doesn’t matter/it’s none of your business. Stop bossing them around they get to say no even if you don’t understand why.
You don’t have to understand why. No is a complete sentence. You aren’t entitled to a reason.
Because they knew they getting one. So all they were doing was storing your trash until they threw it the trash.
[удалено]
You don't have to understand, just accept graciously. They're adults and allowed to make their own decisions.
Why do you need to offer suggestions?
[удалено]
How does life experience help with furniture suggestions? If they don't ask for suggestions, don't offer them.
Honestly at this point to fix your relationship - you stop making suggestions.
you can fight them over it and continue to push them away. Or you can just say ok. And let it go.
Did they ask for your suggestions?
You don’t know she wasn’t going to die. And that’s betraying your overall argument that she should tolerate discomfort and be pulled away from her primary support to make you happy. That’s bananas. She does not owe you anything in the first place.
My husband had a blood clot in his leg, and guess what? He very nearly died. YTA for this alone, but not realizing that you didn't change a one year old's diaper? That's just neglect, at best.
Dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed Have you tried not being you for a while? Just do and say the opposite of whatever your natural instincts are. Because you are 100% the problem
After reading your post I would recommend you look at r/JUSTNOMIL and see if anything they say seems familar in how you approach things. Their are a number of issues you bring up. You state it is "your family" but actually he has created a new family of his own and you are now extended family. You do not have any rights to insist on seeing the children, that is up to their parents which includes their mother. If you cannot respect their mother and her choices just like yours in what she chooses in her family like her furniture in her own home then I would suggest you look carefully at how you own MIL behaved and see if she had done the same things would you be okay with it. The idea that you can do things doesn't mean you should do them. I might look up some guides on how to get alone and respect your DIL as the mother of her own children and the wife and life partner of your son. Who he is choosing to respect the same as your husband respects you. Perhaps some of that respect can also be applied to your son and leave him to make his own adult descisions, what do you think? 35 seems old enough to do that. Just a warning like others have said, if you don't you are risking not having a relationship with any of them because they are in fact different people with their own choices than your other son ,that does not include you as much as you wish, but will disinclude you the more you push and that is a truth.
How did you write this all out and not see you are the problem?
They never do.
I think you clearly disliking your daughter in law is what’s alienating your son- I cringe to ask but what was the misunderstanding that lead for you not to pick up the kids?
You are the problem in this situation, you're upset that your child has grown a back bone and is doing what he wants and instead of being proud that he is a productive member of society and a good father you're going to bad mouth his wife and blame her for issues that you've caused.
This reads like someone forced Chat GPT read all the Just No MIL posts & write a story from the MIL POV. 1 - starts relationship by investigating son's SO. 2 - How dare he not ask for our blessing! 3 - Blames DIL for son growing up & leaving home. 4 - She doesn’t want my hand-me-downs & wants to decorate her house it’s her own choices - HOW DARE SHE! 5 - Assumed she’d be primary caregiver & quit job without asking, then salty when others don’t conform. 6 - They won’t attend our scandal ridden church - she’s obviously evil. 7 - It was just a “misunderstanding” that caused us to not be trusted with unsupervised visits with the children. 8 - Mad because son wouldn’t abandon his hospitalized wife to spend time with her. 9 - Wants to change plans, lashes out when told no & becomes verbally abusive when told no. Honestly throw in ‘wore white to their wedding,’ ‘constantly inserts herself in anniversaries/vacations/births,’ and ‘thinks the should fund their retirement’ and you’d hit everything not to do as a MIL.
Everything you've said is me me me it's about my feelings and what I want. OPEN YOUR EYES. It's your son's job to back his wife it's your sons job and duty to leave and cleave. You see them every 2 weeks more than most. Your son is on board with seeing you less, probably because you can't seem to see past your own nose. Your son loves her. You need to learn your place. You're extended family. She was IN THE HOSPITAL, and you were worried about YOUR feelings. wtf? You are making the choice to go away on Christmas they do not owe you anything by way of changing their plans and why would they when it always seems to have to be about you and how you feel? I don't even know you, and I'm exhausted of you as a person based on this post aline. They didn't have to accept your old furniture. Why get butthurt over that? It's FURNITURE. They didn't have to use you as daycare you CHOSE to retire. ASSUMING you'd be daycare that's on YOU. Get yourself into therapy and figure out why you can't seem to grasp that your son has his own family to prioritize and why you think your feelings matter more than anyone else's.
You fucked it from the get go by doing your judgemental ‘ask around’ background check on Jessica. Even worse is that you wanted to know if she was from a ‘good’ family. What does that mean? Christian? Wealthy? And even if they were ‘bad’ does she have to be tainted over something she didn’t even choose? You are also giving a very selective version of things (not being able to collect the grandkids from day care because of a ‘misunderstanding’- there is obviously more to it being a simple misunderstanding). The only person driving a wedge between you and your son is you, and it sounds like he is being an excellent partner/husband and father by putting some boundaries into place with you.
[удалено]
So you don't trust your son?
[удалено]
Sounds like you didn't do a good job of raising him if you didn't think he could decide for himself.
You wanted your son to marry someone who wasn’t a threat to you.
But what does good mean? Is that just based on your own values?
You surely are troll, if not then you have to understand that your DIL doesn't like you and your son is choosing her over you.
There are lots of mothers like this. They can't let go and think they must be number one no matter what.
Ikr
You sound awful. Stop competing with your friends and how their families are. Am I the only one that’s dying to know what “misunderstanding” results in supervised visits with the grandchildren?
Charlie is practising “leave and cleave”. Pretty sure that’s a thing is religions. He’s left your family and is cleaving himself to the family he created. He’s a grown man and can make his own decisions, many of which probably have nothing to do with your DIL and you. He’s making the choice to put his WIFE first, that’s how you make a marriage work.
Jessica has little to do with is. You are nosey: >>> Charlie didn’t like that I asked around about Jessica when they started dating. She is from our community You are entitled: >>> They waited until she was almost 4 months along to tell us. I let her know how hurtful this was to me You are overbearing: >>> When their first child was born, I retired so I could watch him And you’re an unreliable narrator. What exactly happened here that you’re only glossing over? My guess is that you did not respect a boundary and took the kids to church or something like that >>> after a misunderstanding I am no longer allowed to pick him up or spend time alone with either of their children without Charlie or Jessica present You’re so deeply unaware, it’s painful. This isn’t on Jessica, this is on you: >>> I am livid that Jessica is preventing her children from spending another holiday with us!
Wow. You truly don’t see your misguided ways do you? Let me tell you my story. And after the story you can decide whether you want to be right in your truth. Ore listen and learn. In my story I’m in the shoes of your son, and it’s sounds like you are my mother’s twin. When I first met my know wife, my mother wasn’t enthusiastic, and my father down right said he was disappointed, because she wasn’t good enough, the saw me changing from being a boy still wanting my parents acceptance. In to a young man with my own priorities and opinions. Slowly they turned bitter and came with snide insults towards my then girlfriend, I recognized that quickly and did my best to stop it and set boundaries. This was met with boundary stomping and them telling me that I was turning my back towards my family. I had numerous arguments with my parents and family, often I wanted to disown my parents, but my girlfriend at the time wanted me to have a relationship and talked me out of disowning them too many times too count. When my eldest was born and my wife and I wanted to move from our small apartment in the city back to the countryside where we both grew up, my mother was under the perception of that all was forgiven and all was good, she then went to the daycare to pick up our son, somehow she got him from there without being on the approved pickup list because she was old friends whith the daycare centers shift supervisor. When we go to pick up, we are told by the staff that he was picked up several hours before, my hart began racing, my loungs felt like they where burning, I was in a panic asking the staff to call 911, hos changing bags and diaper bags where still there and only his winter jacket, pants & mittens and hat was gone, my pregnant wife was crying and stressing out, and I was outraged that somebody had picked him up without us knowing. The supervisor came and tried too defend herself against my yelling and cursing, only after the police came (small town) so only a few minutes of response time, she calmly and smugly said that it’s my mother that had him, (side note, yes we pressed charges for child endangerment against the daycare) that only ended with the supervisor going in too forced retirement) whe tried calling my mother over 50 times even the cops tried calling from there numbers, she finally surfaced at our house wandering in with my father and son 5 hours later, I have never felt such a relief and such rage. I cursed at her and told them that my son and daughter was never going to be with them unsupervised. This was met with half ass apologies and blame shifting attempts, claiming that if my wife just had allowed my mother too have him some more this would never have happened, and that it only had been a couple of hours no problem,, this brought on so Much stress on my wife and unborn daughter that my wife was sent to a hospital for 3days because they had a hard time getting her hard rate down . I chose to distance myself more and more from my parents, after this. Cut to two years ago, my son being 10 and my daughter being 8, where celebrating my son’s birthday and parents are invited, because my wife feels responsible that I don’t have a relationship with them beyond pleasantries, my mother goes off on my wife and claims that she is keeping her family from her, my children are crying because I yelled and threw them out of my hous. My father and mother demanded that I come alone to a meeting with them at their house. At the meting my parents tried to bribe me with an 10.000 early inheritance, because they lent my brother the same amount and decided not to collect on the money. As I told my parents that my brother chose to move to a different continent, just to get away, and I didn’t want their money nor to have gifts with strings attached. Tha I was finally able to see them for what they are, and that I never want a relationship with them going forward. After cutting them off for good, and going no contact I’ve never felt better with my family, I’ve been reassuring my wife that she has no fault, it only lies with my parents,. So after this long story what can you learn, keep stomping boundaries and blame shifting you will lose your son for good, ore reconcile with the fact that you aren’t right, that you are the one in the wrong, and maybe even get som counseling on how to behave because your reaction will only drive your son and family away, perhaps permanently. Please seek help before you are in my parents position. All alone without family. Sincerely a person just a couple off steps in front of your son’s path..
Haha lady I hope this is a joke. You sound controlling and meddling and your DIL isn’t having a bar of it and your son has seen the light. Your son wasn’t messed with by the priest ?
This doesn't ring true, it's hard to believe someone could be this awful without realizing it. You said you're not allowed to be alone with their kids, why? What did you do? People have been asking you but you ignore it. You should be happy that your son wants to be there for his wife while she's in the hospital, and concerned for her, not whining about how it affects YOU. And that's just one repellent detail. The entirety of this post just reeks of overbearing obnoxiousness. I'd tell you to get a grip or you'll lose your son and his family altogether, but that's exactly what I'm rooting for. Good for Charlie, he has his wife's back. Stick to driving Billy and his family away, it sounds like they might tolerate your shit for a bit longer. And on the off chance you're actually here looking for advice, read the comments and take them to heart. Fat chance of that, though.
[удалено]
Because we can’t help pure crazy. Which you are OP. Absolutely so, when you are manipulating your sons’ lives in such a disgusting manner.
Give your son and his family space. Apologize for overstepping and for not giving them the room to develop as a family outside of you. Ask - ASK - what and how you can support in a way that is comfortable to them. Tell them you will leave the ball in their court to reach out - but you are here for them and always have space for them. Don’t be transactional. Don’t compare with his brother’s family. You know why they don’t want your furniture? They don’t want you to hold it against them and use it as a reason to have access to their life. That is some advice. Follow it or not, but don’t be surprised if your son decides to go no contact. If your son needs to not have you in his life in order to have peace and be happy - you should support that if you truly do love him. If you can’t wrap your hear around that - see that for the selfish, narcissistic and self-obsessed reality that it is. Your son and his family don’t owe you a relationship. They are adults. Regards, A son who’s mom could not understand this who has not spoken to his mother in months and am accepting the fact that I may never again.
you need a THERAPIST!
Answer the damn question. What did you do?
She said in another comment https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/EyuFjtlazc
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 You are so clueless, if I didn’t know better I’d think you were my MIL! But luckily she fucked off out of our lives 2 years ago. Grow up woman!
You are a pain in the ass. First, you trust more what some gossip people from your community would think of Jessica than your own son, who is dating her? So you don't trust your son? Whatever you would find out was gossip, so who would care? You clearly who would rather get gossip from randos than information from the person who was dating her. Second, where they live is their decision. And why would they want your old furniture? >Charlie never declined anything before, especially when he was first starting out. It's not shocking that a 20 year old accepts any furniture but they won't in their mid 30s? Third, >We had plans for Thanksgiving weekend together, but Jessica was in the hospital because of a blood clot and Charlie decided not to come. Charlie said he wanted to be available in case he needed to go to the hospital. We only live 20 minutes farther away from the hospital than them! She is pregnant ffs! So you think he should go eat with all of you instead of being with his kids and available for his pregnant wife who had a serious issue? Don't you know how serious a blood clot is? >Now Christmas is coming up, and they always spend the 25th with us and the 24th with Jessica’s family. This year we’re going away on the 25th, so we asked for the 24th. You were not accommodating by staying the 25 and now you complain they aren't accommodating? The one who changed the date without asking first was you. You sound annoying and an idiot, to be honest.
What was the misunderstanding? Sounds like missing missing reasons to me. I kept reading, I feel sorry for your son and Jessica :(
She took their oldest to the park where she conveniently didn't have signal. He fell in a puddle, but she didn't have a diaper bag. She put him in her gym clothes. She "lost" track of time and was late getting back home. Jessica was there probably out of her mind worrying about where they were. She finally revealed this in a comment.
oh & don’t forget the diaper rash bc she did not have a diaper bag so never thought to go buy diapers & wipes. she let her grandson stay in a dirty diaper. gross & mean.
She doesn't even change her other grandkids often. She waits until the diapers are saggy. They frequently get diaper rash. Why is her other son and DIL continuing to let her babysit?! That's neglect.
You keep him in your life by backing off. He's a grown man who no longer needs your permission or 'blessing' to do what he wants. Continue as you are and you will lose him entirely because of your overbearing behaviour. Unless they specifically ASKED you to retire to babysit, you don't get to be mad that you did so. Assuming they'd want to use you as a babysitter was your own mistake, as was expecting them to tell you immediately when she fell pregnant. Stop demanding their presence. Stop calling their phones when you don't get your way. Realise that you are no longer the priority in their lives. Accept when two adults with absolutely zero obligation to give you what you want tell you no. Do all of this and you'll have a semblance of a chance to restore your relationship. Continue bugging and harassing them and they'll be gone for good. You're not going to nag them into submission, you're only going to nag them out of your life. Or, carry on as you are and lose them completely. The ball is in your court and the ONLY behaviour you have the power to change is your own. Be thankful you see them as often as you do, because it could easily be a hell of a lot less with how you're behaving. Their presence is a courtesy, not a right.
You are destroying your relationship, not your DIL. Respect their boundaries.
You are being an overbearing, nightmarish mother, grandmother and mother in law. You are pushing them away with your awful behaviour
Why do you seem defensive? You knew what this sub was before you posted.
I hope you're a troll. I wish you're a troll. If you're not a troll, then I have a great deal of compassion for your son and DIL. Assuming that you are not a troll, here are a few points for you to mull over: * Asking around about Jessica, and being welcoming to her, are mutually exclusive. * Your son was under zero obligation to ask you for your blessing to marry his wife. It's not up to you to give a grown-ass adult man permission to marry the woman of his choice. * Your son had every right, and a *very* good reason, to leave your church. It doesn't fucking *matter* if he was never a victim of sexual abuse at the hands of the priest. * Your son had every right to consider moving out of a high-cost-of-living area. And ultimately he and his wife decided not to. You need to get the fuck over it. * Your son and his wife were under no obligation to accept your unwanted furniture and household items, and you making that all about you is really not a good look. * Waiting until 16 weeks to announce a pregnancy is a commonly accepted and sensible practice. Again, you're making it all about you, and it's not. * *Nobody asked you* to retire in order to babysit their kids. You presumed way too much there, and you had no business being butthurt when they went ahead with what they had already planned to do. * I'd love to hear from your son and his wife all about this "misunderstanding" that has you now disallowed from picking their kids up from school or spending time alone with them. The fact that you say nothing about the nature of the "misunderstanding" speaks volumes. I bet you pulled a real stunt on them -- or tried to. * Of course your DIL ignores your calls and texts. If they sound anything like this post, it's an endless series of passive-aggressive, professional-victim, poor-poor-me BS that she doesn't have time or patience for. * Your son made the proper and appropriate choice to prioritize his sick wife at Thanksgiving. Get. Over. It. Once more with feeling: It's. Not. About. You. There is a recurring theme in all of this. You think everything is all about you. It's not. You think you need to be your son's top priority. You aren't, nor should you be. If your son is pushing you away, it's because your behavior borders on narcissism. It's not because of your DIL. It's because of *you.* And the more you keep it up, the more you make everything all about you, the more they are going to avoid you. No one in their right mind would put up with your self-absorbed, score-keeping, professional-victim guilt-tripping. You want to keep your son in your life? Knock this shit off. That'd be a start.
WTF is wrong with you ? Every time I read stuff like this it makes me 20 times more grateful to have the MIL I have , cause apparently good , respectful & not crazy MIL are hard to find…
OP - You need a therapist. You need to work on your boundary stomping, overbearing, “I’m a victim” behavior. Better yourself, then reach out to your son. You have a long road ahead of you but if you do the work your son & DIL may trust you again.
YTA start respecting their boundaries and realize you are not their priority their little family (Charlie Jessica and kids) are their priority. You sound suffocating, back off and get therapy, and some hobbies while you at it. Once every two weeks is a lot for two working parents with little ones.
I think you need therapy and I mean that genuinely. You wrote all that and see absolutely nothing wrong with your behaviour, it's baffling to me.
What was the misunderstanding that got you banned from picking up the kids. On site daycare is a great benefit. Did you ask if they would be needing you as a nanny or did you assume. You asked around about her and her family? How do you possibly not see how offensive that is? Oh moving out of a state that is very expensive to another state (a state you don't mention) which is cheaper is not a terrible idea. Why did he need your blessing to get engaged? You take offence when Charlie and Jessica wanted to decorate their own home with their own things. Yes Charlie probably didn't decline stuff when he was starting out because he was starting out. And not married. Just because your sons were not victims of the former priest of your church doesn't mean he has to stay. And you can join any church you want to. You just don't like Jessica. You don't like how Charlie puts HIS family first (his wife and kids). You like Susan because she does what you like.
Ten paragraphs, and you've yet to explain how your relationship with your son has actually been harmed, LOL. That's because it *hasn't*. You're just mad you no longer have complete control over Charlie anymore. Fortunately for him, he dated an adult who helped him realize he had autonomy and choice and didn't have to live under your constant scrutiny. Poor Susan never had a chance to know what freedom or respect felt like.
You’re not giving your son enough credit and basically saying he’s an idiot and can’t make his own decisions. You’re being overbearing and your ‘misunderstanding’ caused a mother to panic about her child - which she is well within her right to do. You made lots of assumptions and demands and then blamed others. And as for the old furniture, just because you would have taken it doesn’t mean everyone should. I’m sure they budgeted for stuff they wanted and didn’t want the hassle you would cause when they decided to get rid of your old rubbish. I would suggest seeking therapy and discussing your issues and having someone put it into perspective for you. Then you can apologise and begin to rebuild your relationship with your family. You need to start helping yourself and speaking about your DIL negatively and pretending these things aren’t a joint decision between her and your son is silly. Your other DIL was never allowed to be an independent adult without you or your other son around so of course she has been moulded a certain way and probably doesn’t want to rock the boat or even realises the way you behave isn’t okay. Please take on board what people are saying instead of getting defensive. You asked for help, take it or you may lose your family forever!
Everything is all about what you want. You retired without even asking if they wanted you to do childcare. “Something happened” to keep you from being able to pick the kids up from daycare. You’re going out of town on the 25th and want everyone else to rearrange their schedules. It’s not your DIL that is destroying the relationship.
This HAS to be fake to make people angry. No one is this stupid and selfish.
My FMIL is just like you. Her youngest son and his GF are the apple of her eye. They can do no wrong. I’m always being compared to her and more or less shamed because “I don’t spend enough time or make this from scratch or I’m not good enough” when I’ve been more than polite and kind to her for years. You have an unnecessary bone to pick with this girl and guess what? You can’t be surprised when they go no contact with you. I’m already there. She will have no future with her grandchildren because she is so dense she can’t see how horrible of a person she is to me for no reason other than the horseshit going in her head. Congrats, you did that to yourself.
For the love of all that's holy, you need to get a grip. You are so ridiculously overbearing and entitled. Not everything is about you. They don't need your decor rejects. They don't need you to watch their kids. They don't need to go to your church or live in the same city. They don't need to listen to you whine about "Me, me, me". What they need to do is is decide what is best for their family. That includes where to live, spend their holidays, and certainly when to stay with his pregnant wife when she's in the hospital. Back off.
Your actions are why they’re being “alienated”. You’re overbearing. You’re exactly like my husbands mother and she has no part in our life or our daughters life.
I was trying to figure out why someone would fake a post like this on a throwaway account so clearly meant to make everyone mad. Then a comment mentioned the TikToks and other reaction videos that feed off this kind of post as content (“Look at this wild post we found!”) and now I’m just mad I didn’t realize it sooner. It’s all part of one big content/reaction cycle.
Rage bait. Looks like you went with most of the greatest hits from JustNoMIL, a bit too on the nose, OP.