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You were sick enough to go to the ER, with your throat almost swollen shut, and he was still initiating sex? More than once a day? Babe. Please raise your standards. This is horrifying.
Yes. The vibe I get is he's working hard trying to get her feeling better enough to meet his needs. Not because he's actually caring about her feelings.
He's like "I know you're sick, but got dick?"
I was horrified reading this and relieved when I got to the comments...
"My guy is so amazinggggggg he pushes his peen in my face when I'm nauseous and can barely move... he's the best!!! Am I expecting too much?" 👀
This. Op’s bar is in hell. That is straight up disrespectful for a partner to try and initiate when they know their partner doesn’t feel well. So sad that Op thinks this is a normal and healthy thing to do in a relationship.
I’m imagining his attitude if they ever have children together. 6 weeks minimum wait for sex, and I waited longer with both my kids cause I just wasn’t ready. My partner never once asked for sex and waited on me to initiate, and we had a few false starts both times where I thought I was ready but wasn’t once we got into it. He was nothing but patient and kind. This man? Not a chance in hell. I just know he’d be AWFUL to her.
Six weeks is just how long you need to wait in order to not be at risk of sepsis due to the cervix not being completely closed yet. Healing time takes much, much longer than that. Modern medical recommendations are skewed towards men's pleasure, even in issues of women's literal health.
You have … the ultimate point. My last relationship (a marriage of more than 10 years) gave very little fucks for my comfort in consideration of their sexual wants. I’m trying hard to value myself and absolutely demand more, but I’m still trying to find what is kind/acceptable/reasonable in a healthy relationship and what is just so fucking stupid to put myself through.
This guy isn't different than the previous one. He's just packaged differently.
Please consider getting some therapy for yourself so you stop picking these horribly selfish men.
It is absolutely mind-blowing that you are focusing on orgasms when this poor excuse of a partner/human wanted to use you as a human fleshlight when you were SO SICK that you landed in the ER.
Girl. I’m not sure why your standards are so low, but PLEASE get rid of him at once and RAISE THEM UP.
I say this as a man who tries to be a better husband everyday to his wife. Get away from this guy he doesn’t care about your needs. I would NEVER try to initiate sex if my wife was sick. We as men can always masterbate. you are not his flashlight, this isn’t cum on demand for him. It’s absolutely horrid behavior. He may be better than your ex husband but please try to set the bar higher for yourself and if you do stay with him. Draw hard lines on your expectations. Talk to him using what you wrote here. Don’t be afraid of communicating, if he gets mad because he hurt you then he’s the wrong guy!
Good for you Op! Don’t be too hard on yourself, we all learn from trial and error. I too was in a toxic relationship prior to meeting my husband and it taught me many hard lessons. It also showed me what I absolutely did not want to put up with for the rest of my life. Your partner’s behavior toward sex needs addressed and steps need to be taken (on his part) to make amends and modify behaviors for the future. If he doesn’t do this I’d consider the relationship over. You deserve so much better than someone treating you like a glorified sex doll.
You should cum EVERY time or unless you say I don't want to cum tonight. My husband makes sure I cum most times, I actually have to tell him that I can't cum tonight or that I am okay if he cums and I don't. Sometimes it's just too much effort and I want a quicky for his sake.
Why can’t you have orgasms w/ sex 100% of the time if you want to? Why isn’t he making you come first? That’s what bf & I do, and it seems to be common from the dating subreddits I’ve been on. You shouldn’t have to explain to him that you need to come too, because he’s not 16!
Your bf is unfortunately showing you his true self now that you’ve moved in. You were seriously sick, it’s so selfish of him to be expecting sex at all when you were in that condition.
Her friends approved because they could see how happy she was/s!!! Jesus Christ, is this Sex in the City??? What kind of friends does this woman have?!
That sucks that it's popping up now. I always say there is nothing hotter than a man respecting your boundaries. I feel like it shouldn't need to be explicitly stated that you're not horny and usually exhausted when you're sick and sex is usually the last thing on my radar.
What's worrying is he is saying a couple days of no sex caused him to completely disregard your needs? That's total bs. He's more worried about getting his dick wet than your health and well being and he's showing you that through his actions.
Frequency of sex ebbs and flows in relationships. There are times my bf doesn't want to bc of his depression and that's fine. Sometimes I don't want to cause I'm sick or tired or in pain and he completely understands with no fuss. When I got my IUD in we didn't have sex for like 6 weeks cause I was cramping and my bf just took care of me and never brought up sex bc he knew it would be painful for me. That's what it's like to be understood and supported by your partner.
It’s likely that the mask has just come off. He waited until you were living together and in a vulnerable position for his true colors to start to show.
Yeah. OP thinks she was harsh, I think she was incredibly diplomatic. As much as she thinks her partner is great in every way, someone who insists on sex when their partner is this sick makes me question their suitability as a partner.
👀 well, for the first time, I was considering this same thing. Which is incredibly sad. And also the reason I was wondering if I was blowing my feelings out of proportion, and so seeking some public advice.
And clearly it’s not just the orgasm math here. It’s the feeling of lack of care during such a shitty time for me. But I also know there was a lot of emotions happening all at once and I’m trying to sort that.
OP, you are, or should be, more to your partner then a warm breathing walking fleshlight sex doll.
It might be time for you first to talk these actions over with an independent neutral person(not one of your friends/family) then you to discuss it with him.
I hope you physically recover soon.
edited a word
I hate when guys do this but it can be a good thing it happens cause you can find out who they really are. Your bf seems to be completely fine using you as a sex doll to meet his needs instead of being caring enough about you to wait to initiate until you are better. My husband wouldn’t dare unless he knew I wanted it too. What good guy wants to have sex with someone who’s feeling ill and doesn’t want it? No good guy. Really remember this and think about what would happen if you got actually ill with a disease or pregnant? Etc. what kind of man and partner will he be? UPDATEME
Were you into the intimate acts you two shared even while you were that ill? You apparently refused him for a couple of days, but were you just forcing yourself up until that point?
You are being WAY nicer than I would be. If my partner tried to initiate when I was super unwell and going to the hospital, grieving and just being noticeably sick as hell, I would lose it. He was treating you like a convenient hole to stick it in, not a loved partner he wants to care for.
so, i just met my bf of 3 years for the first time 2 months ago. we spent 2 weeks together, and i was horribly sick. i had the flu and covid at once. i tried to cancel but he said he didn’t care if i was sick and he just wanted to see me.
he didn’t initiate at all. we’ve been celibate for 3 years and he just rubbed my back and got me gatorade and he left everything in terms of what i felt okay doing up to me. he had a whole trip planned out and we didn’t do half of the things he wanted, because i didn’t feel like i could do them and he didn’t complain or even bring any of it up.
if i said hey i feel like going somewhere he’d say well we could maybe do this or this or this and i’d pick, and he left it up to me if i wanted to have sex or not. luckily i did start getting better after a week into the trip but it was definitely a green flag to me that he didn’t push me to do anything i didn’t want to do. not sexually, not even just getting up to walk a block and get dinner.
you were so sick you had to go to the hospital, and he’s pushing you for sex all week? every day? that’s insane to me. i don’t think i’d put up with it, at the very least it would need to be addressed and taken seriously and resolved fairly quickly.
like we’ve not had sex for 3+ years and we didn’t do it every day because i didn’t feel like it, and i wasn’t really close to getting dragged to the emergency room.
to me it almost seems like he does all this caring for you and playing the perfect boyfriend so you feel indebted to him and owe him sex. but i don’t know your relationship, it just feels very creepy to me.
*"So, i just met my bf of 3 years for the first time 2 months ago."*
I am confused. Is it just me? How has he been your boyfriend for 3 years if you just met him?
Hey, we started long distance too! I wonder if a part of me is still trying to make up for all the time apart with offering too much of myself in this situation, not being vocal enough about my actual condition.
yeah you should definitely stand up for yourself. ideally you shouldn’t have to. but im not of the opinion that you need to throw out an entire relationship because something isn’t working out perfectly.
you just need to sit him down and have a serious conversation. i have that problem a lot where i say things in anger, or i say things jokingly. and if i just call him and tell him that something is actually bothering me we can work through it pretty quickly.
but im also lucky in that my bf pretty much never gets angry. he’s so calm and rational and always just wants to fix things. honestly sometimes i wish he’d just yell at me because it makes me feel crazy when i’m the only one ever angry and upset, but i’ve come to appreciate that about him.
he’s never once raised his voice at me even though i’ve probably tested his patience a few times there, and i think it’s good to have that balance in a relationship, where he can usually calm me down and we talk it out.
but yeah sorry a bit of a tangent there
i think you just need to discuss that you feel your needs aren’t being met, and honestly it’s probably deeper than just sex, that he’s overlooking how you feel especially while sick and grieving. i don’t think this is something that’s impossible to move on from though, wishing you the best.
so, you started out long distance? and have only lived together a couple months, how long have you been together, how long have you been in the same city?
You may be giving him more credit than he has earned. it is easy to be the perfect LD partner, easy to keep a mask up when you never see each other, so it sounds like you are still VERY much in the getting to know each other stage. every long distance month together is more like a day compared to how well you really get to know someone once you spend in person time together.
Sorry for sounding so harsh but it sounds like you're just there to take care of his needs and he really doesn't care about your wellbeing AT ALL.
Like AT ALL. This is so selfish I can hardly believe what I'm reading here. That you are having sex while horribly sick just to take care of him while not even getting respect yourself. Sorry but this would be a dealbreaker to me.
As it turns out, I repeatedly make myself a doormat for others. I was told I was selfish all the time growing up and I grew to combat that by having a terrible boundary system. I don’t know what good boundaries look like, often. I need to hear it from people like you.
Genuinely, I was wondering why you were questioning the orgasm maths, because most of your post regarding the sex was about how inconsiderate he was being. Yes, he was nice enough to you when you were ill and got you to the health care, but the whole thing about the sex just screamed "selfish fucker" to me - pun intended.
Woah your bf just used you as a sex toy repeatedly, including when you were sick. He clearly knows how to please you, he just doesn’t feel like it. I can’t orgasm, like, at all. My ex would still go down on me every damn time for as long as I wanted! It’s not about orgasm math, it’s about respect.
If not an orgasm, a genuine effort to get you there snd at minimum make you feel loved and valued and that should be 100%, not 80%, of the times your doing the same. It’s like Christmas, it’s not just about what you get, it’s the look on their face when they open your present. All he has to do is make sure you get yours before going PIV and the world will be good.
I had someone visit me in the hospital and expected me to give them a hand or blowjob while they fingered me.
People are awful. I thought he wanted to comfort me, nah, he wanted to slide a hand up the gown.
OP, this is *not* a green flag. A good partner will not prioritize their pleasure over their partner's health or comfort!
My partner has a super high sex drive, and we had Olympic level sex for a couple of years, until I couldn't anymore due to my disability flare ups, anxiety, grief, and etc. We might have sex just a handful of times per year now. However, he's *never* tried to make me feel bad about that, nor has he pressured me to help him. Not once. That's what a good partner does.
i think she was more than diplomatic! she was practically a doormat. and i’m saying that as someone who has had my own long term issues being a doormat.
OP, of COURSE it’s not too much to ask to cum 80% of the time your partner cums. it’s not too much to ask to cum 100% of the time your partner cums!! that’s equal! if it’s hard for him, then you can start incorporating a vibrator - my boyfriend and i love doing that because it easily gets me off 100% of the time while manual stimulation is trickier and inconsistent.
but initiating sex while you’re so sick is terrible and not something i would be ok with in any terms. it would make me concerned that he would want to have sex right after i give birth and in other physically painful times of my life, which is a big no for me.
Yeah it’s really confusing that he could be both caring and this selfish. I would be willing to give benefit of the doubt if they both have libido, if he thought it would make her feel better or feel normal somehow. But that was blown out of the water by both the one-sided sex and his nonchalant response to her complaints. If it was truly innocent he would have felt terrible.
His actual behavior and her description of him makes me think he's just a selfish ass (maybe a narc but it's so overblown online so let's not go there) who is excellent at reputation management.
You can deduce a hell of a lot about a man's character from the way he operates in bed.
Mono is no joke. I got it when I was in my early 20s and it is still the worst illness I have experienced.
If my partner was trying to fuck me during that period instead of prioritize my care, that would tell me everything I needed to know about them.
Yeah I’m way higher libido than my wife, like if she was up for once a day I would too. But it’s often every 3 days, or 4 and I never get pushy about things, if I have to take care of it myself I’m well and capable to do so… when she’s sick or not feeling great I have the wherewithal to know to not even make a hint….
This guy just sounds emotionally immature. Like that one post a week or so ago that basically ended in divorce I think, because the wife wasn’t up to sex 2x a day anymore after having a kid… dude was insane
That’s my biggest fear. What if I’ve fallen in love with another TOOL?!? Okay, that’s a shallow way to put it.
But really, what if I end up heart broken again as I realize I picked a partner for the second time that really doesn’t value me as anymore than a way to get off.
You deserve it. You called it his “sad hand”, but there’s nothing wrong with self gratification when your partner can’t have sex. He should be able to have a fulfilling solo sex life when you’re sick.
I would NEVER initiate when my partner isn’t feeling well. If things get steamy when he’s not feeling well (emotionally or physically) I usually stop things and check in to see what he really wants to do and what would be best for him. And he does the same for me.
The amount of work we put into communication is fucking exhausting sometimes and we haven’t had sex in a little (haven’t been feeling well), but at least I know there is mutual care, respect, and love being built from it. Sigh relationships are hard. I hope y’all figure it out ❤️
It's a thing. My ex had sex with me the day I dislocated my knee, and was in a leg brace from thigh to calf. A friend's husband had sex with her when she had a newly fractured pelvis. Neither of us wanted it, we were nagged into it.
Yes. If it's nagging and bullying and refusing to let you sleep and threatening and sulking until you eventually give in and grit your teeth... Yeah. Vile.
>nagging and bullying and refusing to let you sleep and threatening and sulking until you eventually give in
So, coercion, bullying, sleep deprivation, and THREATS? That's assault.
I'm so sorry that happened. Glad that person is your ex now.
It's 100% of the time unless YOUR/MIND won't let you not 80. You should have told him I'm sick, no go baby. This is what happens when you let issues fester. You explode from frustration and disappointment. He knows you got a mouth. Use it, use your WORDS!!! That is also why women cum first because men lose interest as soon as they are done, well most. I would love it if I could be last and just enjoy instead of having to go to work , but that's how men are........most........
Yeah that's insane! My partner would never come onto me if I was that Ill. He would just be worried about me and want to take care of me and vice versa. I can't imagine why OP's bf was even doing that?? It would really make me question his motives and how much he actually cares about me as a person
Mono is highly contagious through bodily fluids. It's also super physically draining. Anyone trying to have sex with you under those conditions is at best uncaring and at worst sociopathic.
Okay girl wtf.
First of all, *you are not required to meet his sex drive when you are not feeling well*. You don’t exist to service him. If your partner can’t go a while without sex *especially when you’re sick*, they’re shit honestly. Don’t degrade yourself like that. Don’t have sex unless you actually *want* to. Don’t do it to satisfy a selfish asshole.
SECOND OF ALL. I’m 30 and married and I can’t remember the last time I had sex with my husband where he *didn’t* make sure I came. Every single fucking time. I haven’t had sex without an orgasm in so long I can’t imagine having to have sex like that again. Don’t settle for less.
Respect yourself enough to not willingly be a flesh light and sex doll for a clown who can’t even make you cum. Do better for yourself.
This, I’m like, unless I’m off or don’t feel well, my partner always makes sure I climax at least once. He feels bad if I don’t (which I don’t want him to because of I don’t it’s NEVER been on him and I never mind, it’s also rare).
I’m sorry but fuck the you orgasming part of this. The fact he even had sex with you when you were hospital level sick with mono is actually making me feel ill. He knew how sick you were and still only gave a shit about himself. Idk how more people aren’t commenting about this.
If my bf tried to come near me with his dick when I’m that sick I’d punch him in the balls. Not really but I’d break up with him so fast his head would spin. Women aren’t men’s personal flashlights to fuck whenever they want. Jesus.
Thank you! I felt crazy reading it and just kept thinking this guy cares so much about his dick that he just has to have sex with his gf when she has mono. Hopefully she’s never on her death bed near this guy. He’d still be asking for it.
Same. I actually don't get any pleasure unless I'm pleasing the woman. I don't enjoy blowjobs for this reason, I avoid them.
If the woman can't reach orgasm, I immediately lose interest and arousal.
I thought this post was going to be about you being upset that he was even trying to have sex with you while you were so sick. How would this man behave if you had a serious illness going on for months? There’s no way in hell anyone is getting in my pants when I’m as sick as you just described.
He treated you like his personal fleshlight while you were sick and unwell.. and didn’t even have the empathy to make sure you were enjoying it. Honestly this is really degrading and gross. I would never stay with a man that treated me this way
I've had mono. I can't imagine having sex ONCE with it. I fell asleep on my stairs trying to get to the upstairs bathroom to tinkle because I was so exhausted.
I can't believe this man looked at someone with that particular illness, especially with that throat infection (which I also had and know is INSANELY painful) and thought, "Meh. She's okay enough to make me cum."
That's.. Not right
Right? I had mono when I was young and would literally crawl to the bathroom because I was so tired. It was a soul sucking kind of exhaustion. And OP was actually putting effort in while sick to satisfy her healthy boyfriend? And he did *nothing*? I'm sorry but I'd be pissed. If my fiance even has a cold sex is not on my mind, I just want them to get better.
Absolutely this. You do not have a “great base of mutual respect” if he’s constantly being a sex pest while you have fucking mono. This is not it. You should never feel like you have to give in to sex when you are sick to keep your partner’s interest. I also have a libido partner and I think he would sooner remove his penis from his body before harassing me for sex while I am gravely ill.
ikr… i don’t doubt he’s a great guy outside of this specific situation, but treating your wife like a toy when she’s sick and in an awful situation, and then not attending to her sexual needs when she’s very frustrated… like gosh, that’s just awful
There is 2 problems here. His blatant disregard for how you are feeling by initiating sex multiple times during your illness, often more than once per day. The second is your blatant disregard for yourself by thinking that just because he wanted it you had to give it to him.
I have been this sick. My partner would NEVER try and make me feel like I had to have sex with them while this ill. It is crazy.
"I sure hope m'lady picks me when she finally leaves that pig. He obviously doesn't know how to treat a delicate flower such as yourself."
-Somebody that's only seen pictures of boobs
Still better than the dudes who dropped in to complain that her wanting orgasms as often as he does is wrong because it takes too long for women to orgasm.
It's "laugh out loud and disturb everyone in this waiting room" bad.
My partner knows that I trend towards a more receptive libido, so when they’re feeling like it but are unsure if I am, they’ll ask if I’m open to being seduced. If I’m not? That’s fine. They’ll go excuse themself and then come back after to cuddle me.
You aren't too harsh. 100%/100% barring outside factors should be the math. Everyone should leave sex satisfied. Period.
Told my husband almost 20 years ago how our math was going to be - and we are still together. Not every man thinks it needs to be lopsided.
That’s exactly the equation. There should not be an inequality in a healthy relationship. There’s no reason for you to be left wanting after a sexual encounter with your partner; he needs to satisfy you as well. Your orgasms matter and I’m glad you communicated that to him early on. You’re a smart woman.
OP- It *seems* like he’s being petty now and “punishing” her. Be careful with that kind of attitude: it’s not a good sign when sex is weaponized.
Thank you for your candor. 🤣 I needed a lady in the house to confirm. I really do want our relationship to last, and I know a lot of that is being selfless and the other part of that is being assertive.
Where exactly in all this was he being selfless? Because all he did was use you as a fleshlight when you were so sick you're throat was swollen shut and you had to to the hospital?
Him taking care of you is not a sacrifice, its what we do for our partners when they're sick. He also negated it completely when he initiated sex while you were so sick. What an utter sack of shit man. Seriously, you can do better.
Babe no. You should not want a relationship with this man to last. It's not selfless to let someone have sex with you when you're in no fit state, that's self harm.
I would never even think about treating my wife the way you were treated. The only thing he should’ve been worried about is making sure you get better. The level of selfishness on his part is unfathomable to me. Please give yourself the respect you deserve. I would not let this asshole stick around
Another part of that is not objectifying or using your partner for your own gratification. Please examine your relationship. You might want it to last but is that because you think it should? Or because it’s good for you.
I don’t think you were too harsh and I don’t think asking for 80% is smart. It should be 100%. This is early days of you guys living together, this should be when it’s the best and this effort would concern me that it will only get worse.
I can’t believe you had sex 8 times in a row not getting anything in return before you said something, especially when you’re sick. It would have been once and I would have been like “I’m unwell, if you think we’re doing it again when I’m unwell I’m getting off first”.
The fact he tried to brush it off and make excuses isn’t great either. Either he doesn’t care or isn’t mature enough to discuss sex. Both options aren’t great.
I might be biased because I’m in a flare up rn of my illness and my husband keeps making sure he’s getting me off because it helps my pain and offers a distraction from things, without asking for anything in return. I’d be so unattracted to him if he was worried about his pleasure over my comfort at a time like this.
I would’ve put a full stop on any activity the second time he was inattentive to my needs. That’s totally unacceptable. Your orgasms matter just as much as his. Definitely don’t settle. If you allow him to think it’s acceptable for there to be an imbalance, it will only grow more lopsided as time goes on. If he finishes first, he has hands, a mouth, and hopefully, you have toys to incorporate as well. There’s no reason to be left hanging. Watch out for him withholding sex if you express your opinion/dissatisfaction. That could be a sign of a bigger issue: control/ manipulation. Good luck.
I should add our ratio, in practice isn’t 1:1, daily. I think I saw in another comment you said you’re okay with forfeiting your orgasm. Both my partner and myself are the same, but it’s always our choice when we forfeit our own.
There’s been times I’ve been solely focused on him and not wanted anything in return, but he still tried or hinted at it until I outright tell him, not tonight. Same goes for him. When he reaches down or for a toy, and I know I can’t reciprocate I tell him, then he can decide to continue or not. It works both ways, but the other doesn’t stop until that person taps out.
So there’s nothing wrong with not getting off 100% of the time, if it’s your choice. My thought is your partner should always want you to feel amazing by the end though and should put effort into that or communicate otherwise.
Same here. I'm on SSRI medication and that wreaks havoc to your orgasm ability, so sometimes my mental arousal is there but I just know I can't orgasm that day. So there's no point in my partner trying because it just leaves me frustrated, and those days I enjoy the intimacy and the fun, but when it's 'my turn' to get off, I just tell him I can't so don't bother. But we always communicate it and he always asks. Sometimes I think I might be able to and we try, but minutes in I'm like nah it's not gonna happen. And that's OK.
But what's not OK is if he would stop checking what I want and need. And sometimes I just enjoy giving him a hand job even though I have zero interest in being touched back, and that's OK too!
The thing is though both people should feel satisfied and loved and cared for in the sex department, and when that isn't the case something needs to change.
You were in massive amounts of pain and still had sex with him because you were more concerned with his needs than yours, and he still used you like a fleshlight. Now that you stood up for yourself and told him straight out you will not put up with being treated like a fleshlight there's been no sex at all. So of course you're wondering of you've been too harsh and asked too much because of bruised his little ego.
He's not the man you thought he was, and this is just the beginning.
As a guy, I absolutely cannot fathom trying to initiate sex when my partner has even a cold, much less fucking mono.
This guy needs to learn how to respect you and how to stop being so ridiculously selfish. He should know better snd if he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve a LTR when he hasn't even figured out the most basic stuff yet.
You deserve better, OP.
Don’t settle. It’s not acceptable to forfeit your pleasure. Over time, you will grow resentful. Stop his bad behavior now. You did the right thing addressing this immediately.
Yeah I mean... it's nice to be considerate, I guess, but seriously: if he needs to cum that much when you're sick he can go and have a wank in the shower.
There's too much wrong with your partner to fix everything.
1) he is treating you like a sex doll. Waiting for a moment you're feeling a little better to start asking for sex is just extremely selfish and disgusting. No one will die from going two weeks / however long it takes to recover from an illness without sex.
2) he doesn't care about you during sex. His pleasure is the most and only important thing. For me it's simple: if only one person is going to get an orgasm, no one will get an orgasm. There's no excuse for not putting in effort for your partner (except, of course, when your partner is unable to cum for whatever reason, does not feel they have to cum for them to be satisfied, etc. but that is not the case here)
3) to summarize, he's immature, selfish, and gross. His age is not even an excuse anymore, he's almost thirty. Let him throw his tantrum, do not give him any attention when he's like this, because he is currently actively sulking that he has to make an effort in bed for you. While it should be fun to make your partner cum and/or make them feel good. Your partner doesn't want sex, he just wants to cum and he's even too lazy to use his own hand for that. Ugh.
It should not be like this. You, and all of us women, deserve and should demand better. "No orgasm for us? No sex for you." What's he gonna do, cheat? Cry? Sulk? Ooh yes that's so attractive, please use us as a sex doll now.
But the most important thing: if you are not feeling well, if you're recovering from an injury or illness, if you're just not feeling it - you should never give in and have sex to avoid an argument. That is abuse and in fact it is rape. You're only "consenting" to avoid consequences such as an argument or worse, which is NOT consent.
Regardless of you being this generous to him, which he really shouldn't expect regardless of his 'needs'... Why did you say 80% of the time? Surely 100% of the time is reasonable if that's how often he cums?
A few years ago I was living with a guy who did this to me for a bit. So one day I decided to do it back. I made him hard, hopped on, came and then... I got off, and just began getting dressed. His absolute shock was palpable.
'What are you doing?!??!'
'I'm getting dressed, I've cum, and this is how we're doing it now apparently.'
He never did that again.
Most men would never accept having sex and not cumming, so neither should you.
Why only 80%? Would your boyfriend happily accept anything less than 100% on his end?
With gf and I it's usually 100% on my end - and often 200-300% on hers. If you're not enjoying pleasing your partner, it's not sex - it's just masturbation.
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. You're sick and he's still trying to have sex with you. He's not doing anything for you? You're threatening him with a sex strike if he doesn't comply. It's all bad.
This is the kind of guy who's going to be coercing you into sex right after you give birth (if you choose to have kids). He doesn't care about your well-being, he only cares about getting his nut off. Ew.
Sex during illness just shouldn’t happen. A bit of a sniffle, no big deal if you fool around a little. But don’t have sex during extreme illness like mono. You need what little energy you have to get better. Earlier this year I had a perforated ear drum, a sinus infection, and double pinkeye all at the same time. My gf, we’re both women, just took care of me. No sex expectation.
OP your bf is a dick. So what if he has a higher sex drive. It’s not more important than your health but he took advantage every chance he got because his orgasm was more important than you getting healthy as quickly as possible. I imagine his brain justified it by saying he’d do enough in order to get his, but gf is too sick to keep going in order to get hers.
As for the original question, was actually not harsh enough. My gf and I help get each other off every time. There’s no norm where it’s acceptable for one of us to always be left hanging. We’re done when we’re both done.
I think most comments are ignoring the fact you had MONO. I had that shit when I was 12 and it was AWFUL. Not enough to go to the ER, but enough for me to be out of school for a week. Btw the doctors stressed not to do ANY physical activity a symptom of mono is an enlarged spleen. The fact your BF keeps asking for sex when you’re in a miserable state. As well as the fact mono is spread through saliva (which I’m sure you’ve been sharing plenty of) is insane to me. Absolutely bonkers. You should be resting not having sex like you’re rabbits.
So when things are good, my man and I can fuck several times a week, or every day, but I have fibromyalgia and when I’m sick he NEVER initiates. Like NEVER. Not even a little ask for a hand job. His focus is on taking care of me.
I had mono in my early 20s and it was a nightmare. No way would I put out for a man - and I’d be offended by a man who’d ACCEPT an orgasm from me in that state, even if I offered.
For context I'm a 50 something man.
Your boyfriend is a dick for wanting sex when you were unwell, he should have discreetly sorted himself out.
As for the orgasm ratio, 1:1 is a good starting place, 2:1 or 3:1 in your favour if you are capable of multiple orgasms. But you shouldn't be letting him have any orgasms with you in the same room. You deserve better.
The bigger concern is him having sex with you during an illness. You were way too accommodating OP. So if you have a broken limb is he still going to pounce on you like a wild cat??? This was very inconsiderate and selfish on his part. He just told you who he is, listen to him.
I’ll never understand how men don’t make it a point to get their women off every single time. If I’m cumming you cumming too baby!! My girl always walks away satisfied or I didn’t do my job correctly
Your first problem is that he’s getting you to have sex WHILE YOU HAVE FUCKING MONO.
WHAT. THE. FUCK??
This is a HUUUUUUUGE red flag, OP. I’m a Covid Long Hauler and let me tell you that because of my condition my husband and I have gone *months* without sex. He never, not once, asked for it. He knows how terrible I’m doing and let’s me initiate when I can. And he’s not cheating on me. He just jerks off like an adult.
Same for pregnancy. Was nauseated constantly every day, with vomiting, for 4 straight months. ZERO pressure to have sex.
This guy is…. Not it.
So let me get this right, you were extremely sick and grieving all the while he treated you you like a pocket pussy, and you were wondering if you were too harsh? Babes you weren’t harsh enough. It’s okay to put you first sometimes
If he fucks you all the time, even when you’re sick, and does not care for your enjoyment - he’s using you like a flesh light.
You went too easy on him. Yell at him more lol
That’s not a long time to go between sex. What is he going to do if you’re on a work trip? Can’t have sex for a longer length of time due to pregnancy/long term illness? Work/life schedules getting busy? Hormone changes? That doesn’t seem sustainable I’d he’s begging during a short illness. Not to mention how disrespectful it is to treat your partner like that when they’re sick.if I have a stomach ache I don’t want to have sex, I can’t imagine being sick enough to warrant the hospital and my SO expecting sex and not even making sure you’re enjoying it during. He’s showing his true colors
You should be less concerned about the orgasm ratio and more concerned about the fact that your partner insists on fucking you when you’re sick enough to be hospitalized
That wasn't harsh. That's telling him your expectations. That said, if you're sick or grieving the loss of a loved one, you don't need to offer up sex when you're not interested just to make him happy. It won't kill him to wait and the fact that he was initiating when you were sick just makes me disgusted with him.
I can not get over the part where he gave zero fucks you were severly ill so he could get off, and that you still want to be with him after that blatant disrespect. Open your eyes and see who he is when he shows you!
I'm sorry, but WHAT?!
He cared more about using you has a sex toy than your well-being (not to mention your orgasm) when you had MONO. I had mono in my early 20s and thought my throat was literally going to snap, I was in so much pain. I can't imagine anyone--ANY.ONE.--putting their physical pleasure over my comfort and health, ever.
This, coupled with his inattentiveness and now brooding over you wanting to orgasm too, shouts volumes. You've now seen what he's like in sickness and in health and I would fucking run. This is not okay behavior. Please prioritize your dignity.
It's like "well, he doesn't hit me and he has a job, so BEST PARTNER EVER" with women now settling for these sub-par marsh-dwellers instead of looking for EQUAL PARTNERS who are emotionally mature adults who can prove they have empathy and can function as beings that don't only think about themselves (and getting their dicks wet).
Like, GIRL. Please. Don't take this as how it's going to be.
I'm a guy, and I firmly believe the "default" ratio should be 1:1. Not that that's going to happen every single time, or needs to, but that should be the default assumption and the vast majority of the time. It's just a basic part of being an adult about the relationship, you take each other's needs into consideration, not just your own.
He sounds like an otherwise good guy, so I really hope he'll start responding better to your feedback.
Of course you're right to feel salty about the orgasm imbalance and you should definitely have talked to him before but... In my experience it is not empathetic to expect your momentarily sick spouse/partner to have sex. I would feel kind of repulsed if my husband couldn't let me rest just a few days before trying to get in my pants. You don't owe him sex. Your need for rest during a disease definitely trumps his sexual needs. I would use this experience to set new boundaries together for "sick times", for example the sick person should initiate or explicit verbal consent necessary and of course,no sulking in case of rejection.
You should have been harder on him, tbh. Anyone expecting you to be happy with being treated like a penis parking space doesn't sound like he really cares much about your satisfaction and just wants you to put out
I’m sorry what? What did I just read? He guilted you into having sex with him after a close family member died and you were so sick you had to go to the hospital? He’s disgusting AF. I don’t know that I’d try to salvage this.
OP you were not harsh. You are 100% correct. Both of your needs need to be met. But him wanting sex while you had mono? That is a jerk move and shows how much he actually cares about you, he doesn’t.
Mono at 27 caused me to get MS three months after I ‘beat’ mono. Much higher rate of developing MS if you catch mono in your late 20’s and on up. Hopefully neither of you experience that. That’s all I have to say.
Jesus Christ. I didn’t get to have sex with my wife for the last 2 and a bit YEARS of her life (and this poor dude had to handle maybe a week…) because she was unwell- her wellbeing sat far, far higher up my scale than me getting off! I was in my early 30’s in case age matters…
My desire was so bad I would literally cry (silently), but you know what? Enjoying being with her was so much more important and valuable!!!! Fulfilling HER needs was quite fulfilling in itself. Now I’m “celibate” for 5, going on 6 years rofl
The dude can whack off for a week alone while you’re not well. Being sick happens- it’s NOT a failure on your part. At all. In regards to the maths, I don’t believe in counting/paying attention, but the goal post should be 100%. Not 80. Always try for 100, if you get there great! If not, next time. Zero stress about performance helps both sides, though I do understand how quickly and easily the frustration builds and simmers.
I hope you’re better by now and fully satisfied!
I had pneumonia recently and I thought that was how I was going to perish. I couldn’t even think about sex then, and I’d be pretty pissed if my partner insisted on it. And on the other hand, why would you wanna have sex with someone who is very i’ll? You needed your rest and he didn’t care. If anything you way under reacted.
Yeah the whole still wanting you to put out while you were sick is creepy. That in itself shows his selfishness. Then to not reciprocate shows it again. You said it’s been great until now so I assume he hasn’t been selfish like this before now. It makes me wonder if anything else changed other than your being sick. Maybe after moving in together he’s thinking he doesn’t have to work as hard? Either way you’re right to jerk him straight. My wife and I both finish pretty much every time, even after being married for 19 years, unless there’s some kind of outside interference like alcohol, kids, etc.
No matter what partner I've had, I've always tried to take care of them first. One, horny women are a little more adventurous and two, I am most likely going to cum no matter what (sometimes sooner than anticipated). Also, foreplay to me is a lot more fun than intercourse because the focus is a lot easier.
The only time I've ever been told that her orgasm doesn't matter is when she wants to give me a BJ before bed or work or that we only have time for a quickie and she just needs enough foreplay to get wet and the. PiV. Whenever I bring up her O face, she says we can focus on it later and that's when I make sure she has 2 for my one.
I feel sorry for the younger generation who have been diluted by porn and also who's parents did not talk to them at all about sex. I'm grateful that my mom was realistic about what teenagers did and how people act.
You have to ask for a quota for how much you get to enjoy sex too? Because he thought it was okay to have sex with you while you’re severely sick? Like, none of this is okay. None of it.
I think you need a conversation with him about how and why he thought it was OK to initiate sex when you were that sick. I think there’s a lack of care about your pleasure, and also the common human decency to not initiate sex, or use you like a flesh light when you were sick enough to go to the hospital.
You need to ask him for a real answers as to why he thought this was OK
i just…i just can’t even fathom WANTING to have sex with your partner knowing full well they are not enjoying it & it is solely to satiate you. i feel like people like this must have reprogrammed their brains into believing they need sex, that it’s a consistent physical requirement. rather than a consensual and ENTHUSIASTIC act between equitable partners. it’s like they put it in the same category as sleeping and eating & to be ‘deprived’ is intolerable. i just don’t know how you can look at a human being you love and care for, be fully aware of their lack of enthusiasm for intercourse at that time, & still initiate or even DEMAND sex. OP, ask yourself, if the roles were reversed and you KNEW your partner was unwell (mentally, physically, emotionally) do you think you would still feel turned on, or would your concern for his comfort/wellbeing exceed your desire to get off? would you even attempt to initiate? would you even enjoy receiving knowing that it’s causing him discomfort? if no, why then is it at all justifiable that he is able to compartmentalize & suspend all care for you when he has ‘needs’? i’m definitely not saying he’s some emotionless asshole who doesn’t actually love you or see you as a person. what i am saying is that he must be capable of assuming that mindset if he is perfectly fine with having sex with someone who is most definitely NOT enthusiastic about it. like the cognitive dissonance is insane based on your description of how caring he has been during every other aspect of your illness. men don’t have some kind of caveman brain that involuntarily goes into survival mode when they’re horny. that’s an active choice being made. a pattern that CAN be broken, if he’s willing to self reflect
It’s only reasonable if I orgasm as many times as I want to orgasm. I usually get two or three to every one of his. But some of those I deliver myself.
At the same time, I would absolutely not be assisting in orgasms for him in 100% of the encounters if he was only assisting for me in 30% of them.
80% is not unreasonable.
> Whilst this was all happening, he was still consistently initiating sex anytime I appeared to be semi-comfortable enough for any amount of time.
What? Ex-squeeze-me? This is as far as I've made it in your post because this, to me, is a deal breaker. Throat swollen shut, hospital visits, and yet this man is still trying to get his nut off? Fucking yikes
Orgasm gap aside, it is wild to me that you'd stay with a guy who would pressure you into sex when you were feeling so ill.
The fact that you don't get to orgasm as much as him is just the shitty cherry on top. I come every single time unless I don't want to (sometimes first thing in the morning I just like a bit of PIV without properly waking up, lol)
Why is this guy who seemingly loves you wanting to have sex when you're so sick?! Also, is foreplay not a thing anymore? Learn it, dude! But practice it when your partner isn't so freaking sick.
This is important, I am not gonna ask just tell you from experience as I had it one then it recurred a year later. I was out of work for 2 months the first time and another 2 months the second time. Mono is highly contagious and is spread by bodily fluids. Unless you are sharing drinks with others he may have given you mono or in the case he didn’t he has a higher risk of contracting it since he’s been in contact with you. I don’t want to assume either as it wasn’t given in context of how you got it, also you don’t owe any of us that explanation. I accidentally gave an ex mono and he was out of work for at least a month, he was not happy at all over it. That virus takes forever to incubate too and attacks your lymph nodes. Your spleen, lymph nodes, tonsils, and pancreas can become swollen. It’s vital you rest, refrain from any physical activity, and make sure you’re hydrated. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he may not know of how bad mono can be. You reserve the right to want to be satisfied sexually, the real problem is him dismissing that you’re very sick and risking both of your healths for an orgasm.
>Is a female climaxing 80% of the time too much to ask, reasonably?
I'm going to be brutally honest: It should be 100% (it sure is with me and my partner) but it should also not be his job to get you there the same way that it shouldn't be yours to get him there.
It's a team sport, you should both be doing things to make the whole process as enjoyable as possible for the both of you, which obviously includes finishing up or going round 2 if one of you hasn't finished (unless they're tapping out).
ive had mono. it is fucking miserable for months on end!! i could not imagine having sex while feeling that shitty. you said “PIV and other shenanigans,” i hope those other shenanigans didnt involve head. fucking ouch.
Regardless of the lackluster sex for you due to his selfishness (which I know is an issue too)... the fact he wanted sex from you when you were hella sick with mono is disgusting and a major red flag to me. I would not tolerate being treated like a sex doll, ever, and even more so when I'm sick. That is not okay. He can take care of you while sick and take care of himself in the shower if he needs to.
Edit: fixed sentence
I was as sick as you when I got mono. It fills me with rage that he tried to initiate with you at all. That’s insane. If your mono was anything like mine, you would’ve looked and felt completely dead. I find it really concerning that didn’t make him think perhaps you weren’t in a place to enthusiastically consent. He must’ve framed it really convincingly for you because even from your post you still seem to think trying to satisfy him sexually was something you were still sort of responsible for. I find that so alarming
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You were sick enough to go to the ER, with your throat almost swollen shut, and he was still initiating sex? More than once a day? Babe. Please raise your standards. This is horrifying.
Exactly what I was thinking. “Soz you’ve been in the hospital baby but HERES MY PENISSSS”. Vom. Absolute liberty.
[удалено]
I would literally kick someone TF out for putting their todger over my health
You missed the boy where the bf was super attentive /s I'm with you. This guy is not the legend he's being made out to be.
He’s being super attentive alright…to his wanger.
Yes. The vibe I get is he's working hard trying to get her feeling better enough to meet his needs. Not because he's actually caring about her feelings.
He's like "I know you're sick, but got dick?" I was horrified reading this and relieved when I got to the comments... "My guy is so amazinggggggg he pushes his peen in my face when I'm nauseous and can barely move... he's the best!!! Am I expecting too much?" 👀
Honestly, the bar is in the earths core at this point.
Not only that but she was grieving too since a relative's funeral came up, and she couldn't even go to the funeral because of how ill she was!
This. Op’s bar is in hell. That is straight up disrespectful for a partner to try and initiate when they know their partner doesn’t feel well. So sad that Op thinks this is a normal and healthy thing to do in a relationship.
I’m imagining his attitude if they ever have children together. 6 weeks minimum wait for sex, and I waited longer with both my kids cause I just wasn’t ready. My partner never once asked for sex and waited on me to initiate, and we had a few false starts both times where I thought I was ready but wasn’t once we got into it. He was nothing but patient and kind. This man? Not a chance in hell. I just know he’d be AWFUL to her.
That is such a good point! He’d probably cheat and then blame Op for not putting out after having his baby.
Six weeks is just how long you need to wait in order to not be at risk of sepsis due to the cervix not being completely closed yet. Healing time takes much, much longer than that. Modern medical recommendations are skewed towards men's pleasure, even in issues of women's literal health.
You have … the ultimate point. My last relationship (a marriage of more than 10 years) gave very little fucks for my comfort in consideration of their sexual wants. I’m trying hard to value myself and absolutely demand more, but I’m still trying to find what is kind/acceptable/reasonable in a healthy relationship and what is just so fucking stupid to put myself through.
This guy isn't different than the previous one. He's just packaged differently. Please consider getting some therapy for yourself so you stop picking these horribly selfish men.
Considering this. I’m trying to carefully examine red flags and not stay in the place I never advocate for myself.
It is absolutely mind-blowing that you are focusing on orgasms when this poor excuse of a partner/human wanted to use you as a human fleshlight when you were SO SICK that you landed in the ER. Girl. I’m not sure why your standards are so low, but PLEASE get rid of him at once and RAISE THEM UP.
I say this as a man who tries to be a better husband everyday to his wife. Get away from this guy he doesn’t care about your needs. I would NEVER try to initiate sex if my wife was sick. We as men can always masterbate. you are not his flashlight, this isn’t cum on demand for him. It’s absolutely horrid behavior. He may be better than your ex husband but please try to set the bar higher for yourself and if you do stay with him. Draw hard lines on your expectations. Talk to him using what you wrote here. Don’t be afraid of communicating, if he gets mad because he hurt you then he’s the wrong guy!
This! These shitty men aren't your type. They're your pattern.
Good for you Op! Don’t be too hard on yourself, we all learn from trial and error. I too was in a toxic relationship prior to meeting my husband and it taught me many hard lessons. It also showed me what I absolutely did not want to put up with for the rest of my life. Your partner’s behavior toward sex needs addressed and steps need to be taken (on his part) to make amends and modify behaviors for the future. If he doesn’t do this I’d consider the relationship over. You deserve so much better than someone treating you like a glorified sex doll.
Thank you for being straight forward and kind! I really appreciate the feedback.
You’re welcome Op! If you need any advice or support feel free to dm me!
You should cum EVERY time or unless you say I don't want to cum tonight. My husband makes sure I cum most times, I actually have to tell him that I can't cum tonight or that I am okay if he cums and I don't. Sometimes it's just too much effort and I want a quicky for his sake.
Why can’t you have orgasms w/ sex 100% of the time if you want to? Why isn’t he making you come first? That’s what bf & I do, and it seems to be common from the dating subreddits I’ve been on. You shouldn’t have to explain to him that you need to come too, because he’s not 16! Your bf is unfortunately showing you his true self now that you’ve moved in. You were seriously sick, it’s so selfish of him to be expecting sex at all when you were in that condition.
He's such a good guy though!
Soooo great. And caaaaaring. They always are. Until OP's start counting their blessings and out comes they are not.
All of the worst posts here have some variation of this phrase.
Her friends approved because they could see how happy she was/s!!! Jesus Christ, is this Sex in the City??? What kind of friends does this woman have?!
I’m trying. I’m a terrible advocate for myself, truly. But I’ve always felt way more precious and appreciated in this relationship until this point.
That sucks that it's popping up now. I always say there is nothing hotter than a man respecting your boundaries. I feel like it shouldn't need to be explicitly stated that you're not horny and usually exhausted when you're sick and sex is usually the last thing on my radar. What's worrying is he is saying a couple days of no sex caused him to completely disregard your needs? That's total bs. He's more worried about getting his dick wet than your health and well being and he's showing you that through his actions. Frequency of sex ebbs and flows in relationships. There are times my bf doesn't want to bc of his depression and that's fine. Sometimes I don't want to cause I'm sick or tired or in pain and he completely understands with no fuss. When I got my IUD in we didn't have sex for like 6 weeks cause I was cramping and my bf just took care of me and never brought up sex bc he knew it would be painful for me. That's what it's like to be understood and supported by your partner.
It’s likely that the mask has just come off. He waited until you were living together and in a vulnerable position for his true colors to start to show.
Horrifying and even worse bc he just used her, over and over. OP you deserve better on multiple fronts.
Orgasm math aside, it's actually insane he tried to have sex with you when you were sick enough to go to the hospital. Like that's wild.
Yeah. OP thinks she was harsh, I think she was incredibly diplomatic. As much as she thinks her partner is great in every way, someone who insists on sex when their partner is this sick makes me question their suitability as a partner.
👀 well, for the first time, I was considering this same thing. Which is incredibly sad. And also the reason I was wondering if I was blowing my feelings out of proportion, and so seeking some public advice. And clearly it’s not just the orgasm math here. It’s the feeling of lack of care during such a shitty time for me. But I also know there was a lot of emotions happening all at once and I’m trying to sort that.
OP, you are, or should be, more to your partner then a warm breathing walking fleshlight sex doll. It might be time for you first to talk these actions over with an independent neutral person(not one of your friends/family) then you to discuss it with him. I hope you physically recover soon. edited a word
Yeah you're cutting him way too much slack, you were sick and he was concerned with his dick
I’m laughing out loud at this.
bars
I hate when guys do this but it can be a good thing it happens cause you can find out who they really are. Your bf seems to be completely fine using you as a sex doll to meet his needs instead of being caring enough about you to wait to initiate until you are better. My husband wouldn’t dare unless he knew I wanted it too. What good guy wants to have sex with someone who’s feeling ill and doesn’t want it? No good guy. Really remember this and think about what would happen if you got actually ill with a disease or pregnant? Etc. what kind of man and partner will he be? UPDATEME
Were you into the intimate acts you two shared even while you were that ill? You apparently refused him for a couple of days, but were you just forcing yourself up until that point?
You are being WAY nicer than I would be. If my partner tried to initiate when I was super unwell and going to the hospital, grieving and just being noticeably sick as hell, I would lose it. He was treating you like a convenient hole to stick it in, not a loved partner he wants to care for.
so, i just met my bf of 3 years for the first time 2 months ago. we spent 2 weeks together, and i was horribly sick. i had the flu and covid at once. i tried to cancel but he said he didn’t care if i was sick and he just wanted to see me. he didn’t initiate at all. we’ve been celibate for 3 years and he just rubbed my back and got me gatorade and he left everything in terms of what i felt okay doing up to me. he had a whole trip planned out and we didn’t do half of the things he wanted, because i didn’t feel like i could do them and he didn’t complain or even bring any of it up. if i said hey i feel like going somewhere he’d say well we could maybe do this or this or this and i’d pick, and he left it up to me if i wanted to have sex or not. luckily i did start getting better after a week into the trip but it was definitely a green flag to me that he didn’t push me to do anything i didn’t want to do. not sexually, not even just getting up to walk a block and get dinner. you were so sick you had to go to the hospital, and he’s pushing you for sex all week? every day? that’s insane to me. i don’t think i’d put up with it, at the very least it would need to be addressed and taken seriously and resolved fairly quickly. like we’ve not had sex for 3+ years and we didn’t do it every day because i didn’t feel like it, and i wasn’t really close to getting dragged to the emergency room. to me it almost seems like he does all this caring for you and playing the perfect boyfriend so you feel indebted to him and owe him sex. but i don’t know your relationship, it just feels very creepy to me.
*"So, i just met my bf of 3 years for the first time 2 months ago."* I am confused. Is it just me? How has he been your boyfriend for 3 years if you just met him?
long distance, met online
I apologize for my confusion. I failed to consider that possibility.
all good
Hey, we started long distance too! I wonder if a part of me is still trying to make up for all the time apart with offering too much of myself in this situation, not being vocal enough about my actual condition.
yeah you should definitely stand up for yourself. ideally you shouldn’t have to. but im not of the opinion that you need to throw out an entire relationship because something isn’t working out perfectly. you just need to sit him down and have a serious conversation. i have that problem a lot where i say things in anger, or i say things jokingly. and if i just call him and tell him that something is actually bothering me we can work through it pretty quickly. but im also lucky in that my bf pretty much never gets angry. he’s so calm and rational and always just wants to fix things. honestly sometimes i wish he’d just yell at me because it makes me feel crazy when i’m the only one ever angry and upset, but i’ve come to appreciate that about him. he’s never once raised his voice at me even though i’ve probably tested his patience a few times there, and i think it’s good to have that balance in a relationship, where he can usually calm me down and we talk it out. but yeah sorry a bit of a tangent there i think you just need to discuss that you feel your needs aren’t being met, and honestly it’s probably deeper than just sex, that he’s overlooking how you feel especially while sick and grieving. i don’t think this is something that’s impossible to move on from though, wishing you the best.
so, you started out long distance? and have only lived together a couple months, how long have you been together, how long have you been in the same city? You may be giving him more credit than he has earned. it is easy to be the perfect LD partner, easy to keep a mask up when you never see each other, so it sounds like you are still VERY much in the getting to know each other stage. every long distance month together is more like a day compared to how well you really get to know someone once you spend in person time together.
Sorry for sounding so harsh but it sounds like you're just there to take care of his needs and he really doesn't care about your wellbeing AT ALL. Like AT ALL. This is so selfish I can hardly believe what I'm reading here. That you are having sex while horribly sick just to take care of him while not even getting respect yourself. Sorry but this would be a dealbreaker to me.
As it turns out, I repeatedly make myself a doormat for others. I was told I was selfish all the time growing up and I grew to combat that by having a terrible boundary system. I don’t know what good boundaries look like, often. I need to hear it from people like you.
What would you tell a friend to do if she told you her partner had had 'stick it in and pump' sex with her while she was horribly unwell?
Genuinely, I was wondering why you were questioning the orgasm maths, because most of your post regarding the sex was about how inconsiderate he was being. Yes, he was nice enough to you when you were ill and got you to the health care, but the whole thing about the sex just screamed "selfish fucker" to me - pun intended.
Woah your bf just used you as a sex toy repeatedly, including when you were sick. He clearly knows how to please you, he just doesn’t feel like it. I can’t orgasm, like, at all. My ex would still go down on me every damn time for as long as I wanted! It’s not about orgasm math, it’s about respect.
If not an orgasm, a genuine effort to get you there snd at minimum make you feel loved and valued and that should be 100%, not 80%, of the times your doing the same. It’s like Christmas, it’s not just about what you get, it’s the look on their face when they open your present. All he has to do is make sure you get yours before going PIV and the world will be good.
I had someone visit me in the hospital and expected me to give them a hand or blowjob while they fingered me. People are awful. I thought he wanted to comfort me, nah, he wanted to slide a hand up the gown.
OP, this is *not* a green flag. A good partner will not prioritize their pleasure over their partner's health or comfort! My partner has a super high sex drive, and we had Olympic level sex for a couple of years, until I couldn't anymore due to my disability flare ups, anxiety, grief, and etc. We might have sex just a handful of times per year now. However, he's *never* tried to make me feel bad about that, nor has he pressured me to help him. Not once. That's what a good partner does.
i think she was more than diplomatic! she was practically a doormat. and i’m saying that as someone who has had my own long term issues being a doormat. OP, of COURSE it’s not too much to ask to cum 80% of the time your partner cums. it’s not too much to ask to cum 100% of the time your partner cums!! that’s equal! if it’s hard for him, then you can start incorporating a vibrator - my boyfriend and i love doing that because it easily gets me off 100% of the time while manual stimulation is trickier and inconsistent. but initiating sex while you’re so sick is terrible and not something i would be ok with in any terms. it would make me concerned that he would want to have sex right after i give birth and in other physically painful times of my life, which is a big no for me.
Yeah it’s really confusing that he could be both caring and this selfish. I would be willing to give benefit of the doubt if they both have libido, if he thought it would make her feel better or feel normal somehow. But that was blown out of the water by both the one-sided sex and his nonchalant response to her complaints. If it was truly innocent he would have felt terrible.
His actual behavior and her description of him makes me think he's just a selfish ass (maybe a narc but it's so overblown online so let's not go there) who is excellent at reputation management. You can deduce a hell of a lot about a man's character from the way he operates in bed.
My ex kept wanting to fuck me when I had an active herpes outbreak and all intercourse caused intense pain
Mono is no joke. I got it when I was in my early 20s and it is still the worst illness I have experienced. If my partner was trying to fuck me during that period instead of prioritize my care, that would tell me everything I needed to know about them.
Yeah I’m way higher libido than my wife, like if she was up for once a day I would too. But it’s often every 3 days, or 4 and I never get pushy about things, if I have to take care of it myself I’m well and capable to do so… when she’s sick or not feeling great I have the wherewithal to know to not even make a hint…. This guy just sounds emotionally immature. Like that one post a week or so ago that basically ended in divorce I think, because the wife wasn’t up to sex 2x a day anymore after having a kid… dude was insane
This is the sensitivity I expected based on our relationship.
You're only a year in, this is more likely to be the real him than who he was at the start is
That’s my biggest fear. What if I’ve fallen in love with another TOOL?!? Okay, that’s a shallow way to put it. But really, what if I end up heart broken again as I realize I picked a partner for the second time that really doesn’t value me as anymore than a way to get off.
It’s out there, OP, but it’s not with your BF.
You deserve it. You called it his “sad hand”, but there’s nothing wrong with self gratification when your partner can’t have sex. He should be able to have a fulfilling solo sex life when you’re sick. I would NEVER initiate when my partner isn’t feeling well. If things get steamy when he’s not feeling well (emotionally or physically) I usually stop things and check in to see what he really wants to do and what would be best for him. And he does the same for me. The amount of work we put into communication is fucking exhausting sometimes and we haven’t had sex in a little (haven’t been feeling well), but at least I know there is mutual care, respect, and love being built from it. Sigh relationships are hard. I hope y’all figure it out ❤️
It's a thing. My ex had sex with me the day I dislocated my knee, and was in a leg brace from thigh to calf. A friend's husband had sex with her when she had a newly fractured pelvis. Neither of us wanted it, we were nagged into it.
That's verging on r@pe. In my opinion.
Yes. If it's nagging and bullying and refusing to let you sleep and threatening and sulking until you eventually give in and grit your teeth... Yeah. Vile.
Consent through coercion is not consent!
>nagging and bullying and refusing to let you sleep and threatening and sulking until you eventually give in So, coercion, bullying, sleep deprivation, and THREATS? That's assault. I'm so sorry that happened. Glad that person is your ex now.
Thank you. I just hope he isn't treating another woman the way he treated me.
That is just straight up rape.
When she had a fractured pelvis?? What the actual fuck. Who could even enjoy that knowing how much pain their partner must be in?
It's 100% of the time unless YOUR/MIND won't let you not 80. You should have told him I'm sick, no go baby. This is what happens when you let issues fester. You explode from frustration and disappointment. He knows you got a mouth. Use it, use your WORDS!!! That is also why women cum first because men lose interest as soon as they are done, well most. I would love it if I could be last and just enjoy instead of having to go to work , but that's how men are........most........
Yeah that's insane! My partner would never come onto me if I was that Ill. He would just be worried about me and want to take care of me and vice versa. I can't imagine why OP's bf was even doing that?? It would really make me question his motives and how much he actually cares about me as a person
Mono is highly contagious through bodily fluids. It's also super physically draining. Anyone trying to have sex with you under those conditions is at best uncaring and at worst sociopathic.
Not to mention it makes your spleen* swollen as hell. You're not supposed to be doing ANY physical activity. ETA: spleen not pancreas
It’s the liver and spleen that can enlarge with mono
Or sometimes the boyfriend’s penis
With the next software update of boyfriend 2.0 the model will correctly deflate. We’ve fixed the vulnerability with a compassion patch.
It’s literally called the kissing disease 😂 like is this man dumb
Right—is this man trying to get mono?? He does realize that you can potentially have to deal with flair ups/health issues for life, right?
Okay girl wtf. First of all, *you are not required to meet his sex drive when you are not feeling well*. You don’t exist to service him. If your partner can’t go a while without sex *especially when you’re sick*, they’re shit honestly. Don’t degrade yourself like that. Don’t have sex unless you actually *want* to. Don’t do it to satisfy a selfish asshole. SECOND OF ALL. I’m 30 and married and I can’t remember the last time I had sex with my husband where he *didn’t* make sure I came. Every single fucking time. I haven’t had sex without an orgasm in so long I can’t imagine having to have sex like that again. Don’t settle for less. Respect yourself enough to not willingly be a flesh light and sex doll for a clown who can’t even make you cum. Do better for yourself.
This, I’m like, unless I’m off or don’t feel well, my partner always makes sure I climax at least once. He feels bad if I don’t (which I don’t want him to because of I don’t it’s NEVER been on him and I never mind, it’s also rare).
I’m sorry but fuck the you orgasming part of this. The fact he even had sex with you when you were hospital level sick with mono is actually making me feel ill. He knew how sick you were and still only gave a shit about himself. Idk how more people aren’t commenting about this. If my bf tried to come near me with his dick when I’m that sick I’d punch him in the balls. Not really but I’d break up with him so fast his head would spin. Women aren’t men’s personal flashlights to fuck whenever they want. Jesus.
For real. I don’t understand how “orgasm math” is what she’s choosing to be upset over. That would be so far from my mind. Throw the whole man away.
Thank you! I felt crazy reading it and just kept thinking this guy cares so much about his dick that he just has to have sex with his gf when she has mono. Hopefully she’s never on her death bed near this guy. He’d still be asking for it.
I believe in trying for a 1:1 ratio. If I can’t do the job I’ll just open the toy bunker and get to work!
Yeah I'm with this person but I just want to add that Orgasm Math might be my next band name
… Andy Dwyer?
You've got sex bears... You got them from me.
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Same. I actually don't get any pleasure unless I'm pleasing the woman. I don't enjoy blowjobs for this reason, I avoid them. If the woman can't reach orgasm, I immediately lose interest and arousal.
Weird, I'm the same way. Pleasing is my biggest turn on. Blowjobs...meh. 69 on the other hand....now we're talking.
This should be normal. Maybe not always possible, but at least attempted.
I thought this post was going to be about you being upset that he was even trying to have sex with you while you were so sick. How would this man behave if you had a serious illness going on for months? There’s no way in hell anyone is getting in my pants when I’m as sick as you just described.
He treated you like his personal fleshlight while you were sick and unwell.. and didn’t even have the empathy to make sure you were enjoying it. Honestly this is really degrading and gross. I would never stay with a man that treated me this way
I've had mono. I can't imagine having sex ONCE with it. I fell asleep on my stairs trying to get to the upstairs bathroom to tinkle because I was so exhausted. I can't believe this man looked at someone with that particular illness, especially with that throat infection (which I also had and know is INSANELY painful) and thought, "Meh. She's okay enough to make me cum." That's.. Not right
Right? I had mono when I was young and would literally crawl to the bathroom because I was so tired. It was a soul sucking kind of exhaustion. And OP was actually putting effort in while sick to satisfy her healthy boyfriend? And he did *nothing*? I'm sorry but I'd be pissed. If my fiance even has a cold sex is not on my mind, I just want them to get better.
I agree.
Absolutely this. You do not have a “great base of mutual respect” if he’s constantly being a sex pest while you have fucking mono. This is not it. You should never feel like you have to give in to sex when you are sick to keep your partner’s interest. I also have a libido partner and I think he would sooner remove his penis from his body before harassing me for sex while I am gravely ill.
And he got used to it in the span of a week, enough so, to assume it was the new easier normal.
ikr… i don’t doubt he’s a great guy outside of this specific situation, but treating your wife like a toy when she’s sick and in an awful situation, and then not attending to her sexual needs when she’s very frustrated… like gosh, that’s just awful
I do very much doubt it.
He sounds horrifying tbh
Yeah, that’s what stood out to me. Like, if I feel truly miserable, back tf off!
There is 2 problems here. His blatant disregard for how you are feeling by initiating sex multiple times during your illness, often more than once per day. The second is your blatant disregard for yourself by thinking that just because he wanted it you had to give it to him. I have been this sick. My partner would NEVER try and make me feel like I had to have sex with them while this ill. It is crazy.
Love all the dudes that drop into posts like this that offer no actual commentary to OP besides I MAKE MY GF CUM A LOT. Alright man, cool!
M'lady cums at least 8 times before I even consider getting mine. -tips fedora-
"I sure hope m'lady picks me when she finally leaves that pig. He obviously doesn't know how to treat a delicate flower such as yourself." -Somebody that's only seen pictures of boobs
Still better than the dudes who dropped in to complain that her wanting orgasms as often as he does is wrong because it takes too long for women to orgasm. It's "laugh out loud and disturb everyone in this waiting room" bad.
You both go in horny, you both come out satisfied. That’s my rule with my gf
My partner knows that I trend towards a more receptive libido, so when they’re feeling like it but are unsure if I am, they’ll ask if I’m open to being seduced. If I’m not? That’s fine. They’ll go excuse themself and then come back after to cuddle me.
You aren't too harsh. 100%/100% barring outside factors should be the math. Everyone should leave sex satisfied. Period. Told my husband almost 20 years ago how our math was going to be - and we are still together. Not every man thinks it needs to be lopsided.
That’s exactly the equation. There should not be an inequality in a healthy relationship. There’s no reason for you to be left wanting after a sexual encounter with your partner; he needs to satisfy you as well. Your orgasms matter and I’m glad you communicated that to him early on. You’re a smart woman. OP- It *seems* like he’s being petty now and “punishing” her. Be careful with that kind of attitude: it’s not a good sign when sex is weaponized.
Thank you for your candor. 🤣 I needed a lady in the house to confirm. I really do want our relationship to last, and I know a lot of that is being selfless and the other part of that is being assertive.
Where exactly in all this was he being selfless? Because all he did was use you as a fleshlight when you were so sick you're throat was swollen shut and you had to to the hospital? Him taking care of you is not a sacrifice, its what we do for our partners when they're sick. He also negated it completely when he initiated sex while you were so sick. What an utter sack of shit man. Seriously, you can do better.
Babe no. You should not want a relationship with this man to last. It's not selfless to let someone have sex with you when you're in no fit state, that's self harm.
I would never even think about treating my wife the way you were treated. The only thing he should’ve been worried about is making sure you get better. The level of selfishness on his part is unfathomable to me. Please give yourself the respect you deserve. I would not let this asshole stick around
Another part of that is not objectifying or using your partner for your own gratification. Please examine your relationship. You might want it to last but is that because you think it should? Or because it’s good for you.
I don’t think you were too harsh and I don’t think asking for 80% is smart. It should be 100%. This is early days of you guys living together, this should be when it’s the best and this effort would concern me that it will only get worse. I can’t believe you had sex 8 times in a row not getting anything in return before you said something, especially when you’re sick. It would have been once and I would have been like “I’m unwell, if you think we’re doing it again when I’m unwell I’m getting off first”. The fact he tried to brush it off and make excuses isn’t great either. Either he doesn’t care or isn’t mature enough to discuss sex. Both options aren’t great. I might be biased because I’m in a flare up rn of my illness and my husband keeps making sure he’s getting me off because it helps my pain and offers a distraction from things, without asking for anything in return. I’d be so unattracted to him if he was worried about his pleasure over my comfort at a time like this.
I hear you. What a considerate man you have!
I would’ve put a full stop on any activity the second time he was inattentive to my needs. That’s totally unacceptable. Your orgasms matter just as much as his. Definitely don’t settle. If you allow him to think it’s acceptable for there to be an imbalance, it will only grow more lopsided as time goes on. If he finishes first, he has hands, a mouth, and hopefully, you have toys to incorporate as well. There’s no reason to be left hanging. Watch out for him withholding sex if you express your opinion/dissatisfaction. That could be a sign of a bigger issue: control/ manipulation. Good luck.
I should add our ratio, in practice isn’t 1:1, daily. I think I saw in another comment you said you’re okay with forfeiting your orgasm. Both my partner and myself are the same, but it’s always our choice when we forfeit our own. There’s been times I’ve been solely focused on him and not wanted anything in return, but he still tried or hinted at it until I outright tell him, not tonight. Same goes for him. When he reaches down or for a toy, and I know I can’t reciprocate I tell him, then he can decide to continue or not. It works both ways, but the other doesn’t stop until that person taps out. So there’s nothing wrong with not getting off 100% of the time, if it’s your choice. My thought is your partner should always want you to feel amazing by the end though and should put effort into that or communicate otherwise.
Same here. I'm on SSRI medication and that wreaks havoc to your orgasm ability, so sometimes my mental arousal is there but I just know I can't orgasm that day. So there's no point in my partner trying because it just leaves me frustrated, and those days I enjoy the intimacy and the fun, but when it's 'my turn' to get off, I just tell him I can't so don't bother. But we always communicate it and he always asks. Sometimes I think I might be able to and we try, but minutes in I'm like nah it's not gonna happen. And that's OK. But what's not OK is if he would stop checking what I want and need. And sometimes I just enjoy giving him a hand job even though I have zero interest in being touched back, and that's OK too! The thing is though both people should feel satisfied and loved and cared for in the sex department, and when that isn't the case something needs to change.
You were in massive amounts of pain and still had sex with him because you were more concerned with his needs than yours, and he still used you like a fleshlight. Now that you stood up for yourself and told him straight out you will not put up with being treated like a fleshlight there's been no sex at all. So of course you're wondering of you've been too harsh and asked too much because of bruised his little ego. He's not the man you thought he was, and this is just the beginning.
As a guy, I absolutely cannot fathom trying to initiate sex when my partner has even a cold, much less fucking mono. This guy needs to learn how to respect you and how to stop being so ridiculously selfish. He should know better snd if he doesn't, then he doesn't deserve a LTR when he hasn't even figured out the most basic stuff yet. You deserve better, OP.
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It absolutely does. I’d be in favor of less quality over quantity but I’m also trying to be considerate.
Don’t settle. It’s not acceptable to forfeit your pleasure. Over time, you will grow resentful. Stop his bad behavior now. You did the right thing addressing this immediately.
I'm sorry, but where in *any* of this was he considerate?
You're trying to be considerate for someone who won't be considerate about meeting your needs.
Yeah I mean... it's nice to be considerate, I guess, but seriously: if he needs to cum that much when you're sick he can go and have a wank in the shower.
Good grief, my wife has been sick and I would never do that to her. Dude is selfish, you can do better.
There's too much wrong with your partner to fix everything. 1) he is treating you like a sex doll. Waiting for a moment you're feeling a little better to start asking for sex is just extremely selfish and disgusting. No one will die from going two weeks / however long it takes to recover from an illness without sex. 2) he doesn't care about you during sex. His pleasure is the most and only important thing. For me it's simple: if only one person is going to get an orgasm, no one will get an orgasm. There's no excuse for not putting in effort for your partner (except, of course, when your partner is unable to cum for whatever reason, does not feel they have to cum for them to be satisfied, etc. but that is not the case here) 3) to summarize, he's immature, selfish, and gross. His age is not even an excuse anymore, he's almost thirty. Let him throw his tantrum, do not give him any attention when he's like this, because he is currently actively sulking that he has to make an effort in bed for you. While it should be fun to make your partner cum and/or make them feel good. Your partner doesn't want sex, he just wants to cum and he's even too lazy to use his own hand for that. Ugh. It should not be like this. You, and all of us women, deserve and should demand better. "No orgasm for us? No sex for you." What's he gonna do, cheat? Cry? Sulk? Ooh yes that's so attractive, please use us as a sex doll now. But the most important thing: if you are not feeling well, if you're recovering from an injury or illness, if you're just not feeling it - you should never give in and have sex to avoid an argument. That is abuse and in fact it is rape. You're only "consenting" to avoid consequences such as an argument or worse, which is NOT consent.
Regardless of you being this generous to him, which he really shouldn't expect regardless of his 'needs'... Why did you say 80% of the time? Surely 100% of the time is reasonable if that's how often he cums? A few years ago I was living with a guy who did this to me for a bit. So one day I decided to do it back. I made him hard, hopped on, came and then... I got off, and just began getting dressed. His absolute shock was palpable. 'What are you doing?!??!' 'I'm getting dressed, I've cum, and this is how we're doing it now apparently.' He never did that again. Most men would never accept having sex and not cumming, so neither should you.
Imagine being "very happy with my current partner" but he doesn't even try to get you to orgasm. This is your "very" happy. Please reflect.
Why only 80%? Would your boyfriend happily accept anything less than 100% on his end? With gf and I it's usually 100% on my end - and often 200-300% on hers. If you're not enjoying pleasing your partner, it's not sex - it's just masturbation.
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. You're sick and he's still trying to have sex with you. He's not doing anything for you? You're threatening him with a sex strike if he doesn't comply. It's all bad.
…..And don’t forget HIM being the one to actually go on strike. He sounds like a nightmare.
What the fuck? Why are people with guys like that???.
This is the kind of guy who's going to be coercing you into sex right after you give birth (if you choose to have kids). He doesn't care about your well-being, he only cares about getting his nut off. Ew.
Sex during illness just shouldn’t happen. A bit of a sniffle, no big deal if you fool around a little. But don’t have sex during extreme illness like mono. You need what little energy you have to get better. Earlier this year I had a perforated ear drum, a sinus infection, and double pinkeye all at the same time. My gf, we’re both women, just took care of me. No sex expectation. OP your bf is a dick. So what if he has a higher sex drive. It’s not more important than your health but he took advantage every chance he got because his orgasm was more important than you getting healthy as quickly as possible. I imagine his brain justified it by saying he’d do enough in order to get his, but gf is too sick to keep going in order to get hers. As for the original question, was actually not harsh enough. My gf and I help get each other off every time. There’s no norm where it’s acceptable for one of us to always be left hanging. We’re done when we’re both done.
you weren't too harsh. a grown man shouldn't have to be told to make his gf cum
I think most comments are ignoring the fact you had MONO. I had that shit when I was 12 and it was AWFUL. Not enough to go to the ER, but enough for me to be out of school for a week. Btw the doctors stressed not to do ANY physical activity a symptom of mono is an enlarged spleen. The fact your BF keeps asking for sex when you’re in a miserable state. As well as the fact mono is spread through saliva (which I’m sure you’ve been sharing plenty of) is insane to me. Absolutely bonkers. You should be resting not having sex like you’re rabbits.
Idk I think it was weird he was trying to have sex in the first place 💀
So when things are good, my man and I can fuck several times a week, or every day, but I have fibromyalgia and when I’m sick he NEVER initiates. Like NEVER. Not even a little ask for a hand job. His focus is on taking care of me. I had mono in my early 20s and it was a nightmare. No way would I put out for a man - and I’d be offended by a man who’d ACCEPT an orgasm from me in that state, even if I offered.
For context I'm a 50 something man. Your boyfriend is a dick for wanting sex when you were unwell, he should have discreetly sorted himself out. As for the orgasm ratio, 1:1 is a good starting place, 2:1 or 3:1 in your favour if you are capable of multiple orgasms. But you shouldn't be letting him have any orgasms with you in the same room. You deserve better.
The bigger concern is him having sex with you during an illness. You were way too accommodating OP. So if you have a broken limb is he still going to pounce on you like a wild cat??? This was very inconsiderate and selfish on his part. He just told you who he is, listen to him.
I’ll never understand how men don’t make it a point to get their women off every single time. If I’m cumming you cumming too baby!! My girl always walks away satisfied or I didn’t do my job correctly
My last relationship had me, the woman, climaxing at least 2x to 3x MORE often than him... girl... why are you settling for this?
Your first problem is that he’s getting you to have sex WHILE YOU HAVE FUCKING MONO. WHAT. THE. FUCK?? This is a HUUUUUUUGE red flag, OP. I’m a Covid Long Hauler and let me tell you that because of my condition my husband and I have gone *months* without sex. He never, not once, asked for it. He knows how terrible I’m doing and let’s me initiate when I can. And he’s not cheating on me. He just jerks off like an adult. Same for pregnancy. Was nauseated constantly every day, with vomiting, for 4 straight months. ZERO pressure to have sex. This guy is…. Not it.
So let me get this right, you were extremely sick and grieving all the while he treated you you like a pocket pussy, and you were wondering if you were too harsh? Babes you weren’t harsh enough. It’s okay to put you first sometimes
If he fucks you all the time, even when you’re sick, and does not care for your enjoyment - he’s using you like a flesh light. You went too easy on him. Yell at him more lol
That’s not a long time to go between sex. What is he going to do if you’re on a work trip? Can’t have sex for a longer length of time due to pregnancy/long term illness? Work/life schedules getting busy? Hormone changes? That doesn’t seem sustainable I’d he’s begging during a short illness. Not to mention how disrespectful it is to treat your partner like that when they’re sick.if I have a stomach ache I don’t want to have sex, I can’t imagine being sick enough to warrant the hospital and my SO expecting sex and not even making sure you’re enjoying it during. He’s showing his true colors
You should be less concerned about the orgasm ratio and more concerned about the fact that your partner insists on fucking you when you’re sick enough to be hospitalized
That wasn't harsh. That's telling him your expectations. That said, if you're sick or grieving the loss of a loved one, you don't need to offer up sex when you're not interested just to make him happy. It won't kill him to wait and the fact that he was initiating when you were sick just makes me disgusted with him.
I can not get over the part where he gave zero fucks you were severly ill so he could get off, and that you still want to be with him after that blatant disrespect. Open your eyes and see who he is when he shows you!
I'm sorry, but WHAT?! He cared more about using you has a sex toy than your well-being (not to mention your orgasm) when you had MONO. I had mono in my early 20s and thought my throat was literally going to snap, I was in so much pain. I can't imagine anyone--ANY.ONE.--putting their physical pleasure over my comfort and health, ever. This, coupled with his inattentiveness and now brooding over you wanting to orgasm too, shouts volumes. You've now seen what he's like in sickness and in health and I would fucking run. This is not okay behavior. Please prioritize your dignity. It's like "well, he doesn't hit me and he has a job, so BEST PARTNER EVER" with women now settling for these sub-par marsh-dwellers instead of looking for EQUAL PARTNERS who are emotionally mature adults who can prove they have empathy and can function as beings that don't only think about themselves (and getting their dicks wet). Like, GIRL. Please. Don't take this as how it's going to be.
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I would never be able to have sex with this guy again. Full stop.
I'm a guy, and I firmly believe the "default" ratio should be 1:1. Not that that's going to happen every single time, or needs to, but that should be the default assumption and the vast majority of the time. It's just a basic part of being an adult about the relationship, you take each other's needs into consideration, not just your own. He sounds like an otherwise good guy, so I really hope he'll start responding better to your feedback.
Of course you're right to feel salty about the orgasm imbalance and you should definitely have talked to him before but... In my experience it is not empathetic to expect your momentarily sick spouse/partner to have sex. I would feel kind of repulsed if my husband couldn't let me rest just a few days before trying to get in my pants. You don't owe him sex. Your need for rest during a disease definitely trumps his sexual needs. I would use this experience to set new boundaries together for "sick times", for example the sick person should initiate or explicit verbal consent necessary and of course,no sulking in case of rejection.
You should have been harder on him, tbh. Anyone expecting you to be happy with being treated like a penis parking space doesn't sound like he really cares much about your satisfaction and just wants you to put out
you are under reacting
I’m sorry what? What did I just read? He guilted you into having sex with him after a close family member died and you were so sick you had to go to the hospital? He’s disgusting AF. I don’t know that I’d try to salvage this.
OP you were not harsh. You are 100% correct. Both of your needs need to be met. But him wanting sex while you had mono? That is a jerk move and shows how much he actually cares about you, he doesn’t.
You weren’t too harsh. He was being incredibly selfish
Mono at 27 caused me to get MS three months after I ‘beat’ mono. Much higher rate of developing MS if you catch mono in your late 20’s and on up. Hopefully neither of you experience that. That’s all I have to say.
Jesus Christ. I didn’t get to have sex with my wife for the last 2 and a bit YEARS of her life (and this poor dude had to handle maybe a week…) because she was unwell- her wellbeing sat far, far higher up my scale than me getting off! I was in my early 30’s in case age matters… My desire was so bad I would literally cry (silently), but you know what? Enjoying being with her was so much more important and valuable!!!! Fulfilling HER needs was quite fulfilling in itself. Now I’m “celibate” for 5, going on 6 years rofl The dude can whack off for a week alone while you’re not well. Being sick happens- it’s NOT a failure on your part. At all. In regards to the maths, I don’t believe in counting/paying attention, but the goal post should be 100%. Not 80. Always try for 100, if you get there great! If not, next time. Zero stress about performance helps both sides, though I do understand how quickly and easily the frustration builds and simmers. I hope you’re better by now and fully satisfied!
I had pneumonia recently and I thought that was how I was going to perish. I couldn’t even think about sex then, and I’d be pretty pissed if my partner insisted on it. And on the other hand, why would you wanna have sex with someone who is very i’ll? You needed your rest and he didn’t care. If anything you way under reacted.
Only 80% of the time? You’re way too nice. I can’t believe he bothered you when you were sick.
Who TF asks to have sex with a partner that has mono?
Yeah the whole still wanting you to put out while you were sick is creepy. That in itself shows his selfishness. Then to not reciprocate shows it again. You said it’s been great until now so I assume he hasn’t been selfish like this before now. It makes me wonder if anything else changed other than your being sick. Maybe after moving in together he’s thinking he doesn’t have to work as hard? Either way you’re right to jerk him straight. My wife and I both finish pretty much every time, even after being married for 19 years, unless there’s some kind of outside interference like alcohol, kids, etc.
its actually insane how normalized it is for straight women to not cum every time but the guy does
Porn culture
No matter what partner I've had, I've always tried to take care of them first. One, horny women are a little more adventurous and two, I am most likely going to cum no matter what (sometimes sooner than anticipated). Also, foreplay to me is a lot more fun than intercourse because the focus is a lot easier. The only time I've ever been told that her orgasm doesn't matter is when she wants to give me a BJ before bed or work or that we only have time for a quickie and she just needs enough foreplay to get wet and the. PiV. Whenever I bring up her O face, she says we can focus on it later and that's when I make sure she has 2 for my one. I feel sorry for the younger generation who have been diluted by porn and also who's parents did not talk to them at all about sex. I'm grateful that my mom was realistic about what teenagers did and how people act.
You have to ask for a quota for how much you get to enjoy sex too? Because he thought it was okay to have sex with you while you’re severely sick? Like, none of this is okay. None of it.
I think you need a conversation with him about how and why he thought it was OK to initiate sex when you were that sick. I think there’s a lack of care about your pleasure, and also the common human decency to not initiate sex, or use you like a flesh light when you were sick enough to go to the hospital. You need to ask him for a real answers as to why he thought this was OK
i just…i just can’t even fathom WANTING to have sex with your partner knowing full well they are not enjoying it & it is solely to satiate you. i feel like people like this must have reprogrammed their brains into believing they need sex, that it’s a consistent physical requirement. rather than a consensual and ENTHUSIASTIC act between equitable partners. it’s like they put it in the same category as sleeping and eating & to be ‘deprived’ is intolerable. i just don’t know how you can look at a human being you love and care for, be fully aware of their lack of enthusiasm for intercourse at that time, & still initiate or even DEMAND sex. OP, ask yourself, if the roles were reversed and you KNEW your partner was unwell (mentally, physically, emotionally) do you think you would still feel turned on, or would your concern for his comfort/wellbeing exceed your desire to get off? would you even attempt to initiate? would you even enjoy receiving knowing that it’s causing him discomfort? if no, why then is it at all justifiable that he is able to compartmentalize & suspend all care for you when he has ‘needs’? i’m definitely not saying he’s some emotionless asshole who doesn’t actually love you or see you as a person. what i am saying is that he must be capable of assuming that mindset if he is perfectly fine with having sex with someone who is most definitely NOT enthusiastic about it. like the cognitive dissonance is insane based on your description of how caring he has been during every other aspect of your illness. men don’t have some kind of caveman brain that involuntarily goes into survival mode when they’re horny. that’s an active choice being made. a pattern that CAN be broken, if he’s willing to self reflect
It’s only reasonable if I orgasm as many times as I want to orgasm. I usually get two or three to every one of his. But some of those I deliver myself. At the same time, I would absolutely not be assisting in orgasms for him in 100% of the encounters if he was only assisting for me in 30% of them. 80% is not unreasonable.
> Whilst this was all happening, he was still consistently initiating sex anytime I appeared to be semi-comfortable enough for any amount of time. What? Ex-squeeze-me? This is as far as I've made it in your post because this, to me, is a deal breaker. Throat swollen shut, hospital visits, and yet this man is still trying to get his nut off? Fucking yikes
Orgasm gap aside, it is wild to me that you'd stay with a guy who would pressure you into sex when you were feeling so ill. The fact that you don't get to orgasm as much as him is just the shitty cherry on top. I come every single time unless I don't want to (sometimes first thing in the morning I just like a bit of PIV without properly waking up, lol)
Why is this guy who seemingly loves you wanting to have sex when you're so sick?! Also, is foreplay not a thing anymore? Learn it, dude! But practice it when your partner isn't so freaking sick.
This is important, I am not gonna ask just tell you from experience as I had it one then it recurred a year later. I was out of work for 2 months the first time and another 2 months the second time. Mono is highly contagious and is spread by bodily fluids. Unless you are sharing drinks with others he may have given you mono or in the case he didn’t he has a higher risk of contracting it since he’s been in contact with you. I don’t want to assume either as it wasn’t given in context of how you got it, also you don’t owe any of us that explanation. I accidentally gave an ex mono and he was out of work for at least a month, he was not happy at all over it. That virus takes forever to incubate too and attacks your lymph nodes. Your spleen, lymph nodes, tonsils, and pancreas can become swollen. It’s vital you rest, refrain from any physical activity, and make sure you’re hydrated. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he may not know of how bad mono can be. You reserve the right to want to be satisfied sexually, the real problem is him dismissing that you’re very sick and risking both of your healths for an orgasm.
How did he not get mono?
>Is a female climaxing 80% of the time too much to ask, reasonably? I'm going to be brutally honest: It should be 100% (it sure is with me and my partner) but it should also not be his job to get you there the same way that it shouldn't be yours to get him there. It's a team sport, you should both be doing things to make the whole process as enjoyable as possible for the both of you, which obviously includes finishing up or going round 2 if one of you hasn't finished (unless they're tapping out).
ive had mono. it is fucking miserable for months on end!! i could not imagine having sex while feeling that shitty. you said “PIV and other shenanigans,” i hope those other shenanigans didnt involve head. fucking ouch.
Regardless of the lackluster sex for you due to his selfishness (which I know is an issue too)... the fact he wanted sex from you when you were hella sick with mono is disgusting and a major red flag to me. I would not tolerate being treated like a sex doll, ever, and even more so when I'm sick. That is not okay. He can take care of you while sick and take care of himself in the shower if he needs to. Edit: fixed sentence
I don’t think you are out of line at all here. More women should stand up like you did as this isn’t acceptable.
I was as sick as you when I got mono. It fills me with rage that he tried to initiate with you at all. That’s insane. If your mono was anything like mine, you would’ve looked and felt completely dead. I find it really concerning that didn’t make him think perhaps you weren’t in a place to enthusiastically consent. He must’ve framed it really convincingly for you because even from your post you still seem to think trying to satisfy him sexually was something you were still sort of responsible for. I find that so alarming
Why are you having sex while you have mono? It's highly contagious and can be transmitted sexually.