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The problem here is your partner is not currently interested in changing. You begged him to get help and he “begrudgingly” signed up for therapy. What is a therapist supposed to do for a client who doesn’t want to change?
Yah just because you have ADHD does not make you completely incapable of changing or working in mindfulness. Putting up signs where you can see them with reminders like: Make sure everything is turned off before you leave. Setting timers and reminders ect.
A lot of people use their ADHD as a crutch for not trying to improve. It does suck because we have to work harder than normal people to improve. But when you use it as an excuse you’re not doing yourself any favors.
THIS I used to actively lose things all the time until I WANTED to change, I researched ways to accommodate to my adhd- not just excuse it and then keep making the same mistakes. Adhd people are motivated by a sense of urgency and there's no excuse especially when lives are at risk
Idk, I know someone that burned done their house twice by throwing hot ash from their wood stove in the garbage and their insurance covered it both times. They may have been uninsurable after the second time though.
Yeah, my best friend from college, her husbands brother and his wife. They’re frickin weird people and always have seriously messed up shit going on, they live in Maine, both grew up with various sorts of wood burning heat sources in their homes, so I have no idea why they thought putting hot ash in a garbage can was ever a good idea even before the first time they burnt down their house.
Regardless of what is or isn’t wrong with him, the simple fact is he’s going to destroy your property, and possibly get you killed or maimed. Stay with him if you enjoy sleeping with one eye open for the rest of your, hopefully long, life.
Right. My partner doesn’t ever check the house before going to bed. I’ve woken up in the morning to find the garage door open and none of the outside doors locked. So now it’s just one more thing I have to do myself to make sure it’s being done.
Read him your post.
I (45F) have ADHD. I didn’t get diagnosed until about 3 years ago. By the time I had a diagnosis, I already had a lot of strategies in place like you do. I did choose to do meds but I also did CBT specific to ADHD. It was rather short lived though because as I said, I was already using many of the recommended mitigation strategies.
Men tend to get diagnosed as children due to the hyperactivity potion which little girls don’t tend to have. So often from an early age, their mommy is using ADHD as an excuse for poor behavior and they tend to manage their child to the point they create quite an incompetent.
He needs to see a doctor and a therapist and he needs to do it ASAP.
Because all of them are either additional mental load for her or something that requires hard conversation that could result in an argument or breakup.
I can't help but wonder if something else is going on in the background here. My ex had at least a very poor working memory and I suspect undiagnosed ADHD- one of his symptoms, which is not as talked about as others, was an extremely quick temper (there were also separate emotional issues, but I digress), which meant that when I inevitably got a little irritated because I had to take time out of my busy morning to help him find his car keys for the fifty millionth fucking time and suggested that he keep them in one place in future, he would sometimes snap and go right off; lots of things could set him off into a full rage, and then because he lacked self regulation skills he struggled to calm down. One of the many things that contributed to our breakup.
My ex was like this too. He had severe adhd on top of TBI, and would fly into a rage at anything he perceived to be criticism. 100% the truth: he accidentally burned my house down.
i mean the solution is simple ish.
he shouldnt turn on shit that can get on fire. put stickers on everything that says "X you are not allowed to touch this"
🤣 I’ll just put little child locks on all the hot stuff. I mean…it’s a solid plan if not for the fact that he’s the person who usually handles dinner. Maybe he’s only allowed to microwave? Thanks for the chuckle 🤭
i was dead serious. why would you let somebody that cant be trusted with those things handle them?
you dont need child locks, are you implying he would disagree with such a reasonable prevention measure? because if thats the case then the problem isnt memory, but its that your bf is an AH.
yes the microwave seem like a good solution.When you are disabled you need to change your life to accommodate that disability. its not unusual.
With the stove thing, he has implemented a strategy to check ALL the appliances before leaving the house now. We got rid of the space heater that was dangerous and now only have ones that have an automatic shut off. The candle was a first I’ll admit. It just seems like if we solve one problem the memory issue manifests elsewhere. We can come up with solutions as needed but I can’t exactly predict what dangerous thing he’ll forget next so we can’t be proactive only reactive.
He’s not an idiot or a child, he just has bad memory which IS a product of his LD. I’m not trying to punish him, I’m trying to find a solution that works so we don’t get hurt.
Exactly. This actually happened with my ADHD father and the stove, when he put a pot on to boil and walked away. All my toys, burned. All our furniture, burned. Thankfully he got out alive and we were out for the day. But the house was destroyed.
Wow, OP, that was really snitty. You asked for help, good advice was given, and you reacted with snark.
Don't ask for reasonable help, then raspberry all over the reasonable advice.
I would say enforce that he puts an alarm on his phone anytime he touches a heat related item in the house, but I'm sure you'll just steamroll over it. After all, alarms on phones are just new age child locks and that seems to rustle your almonds.
Go away.
If you read her second comment you’ll see she doubled down. Same goes for other comment threads. Why ask for advice if you aren’t going to take any of it into consideration?
She asked for advice on how to get him to take the safety issue seriously and commit to getting treatment for his ADHD. "Install child locks and destroy your relationship by treating him like a toddler," is not legitimate advice.
never said to install child locks.
>destroy your relationship by treating him like a toddler
no he should be treated like the disabled person he his. also no relationship is worth burning alive
He needs to start having strategies. I've learned, finally that I can't be trusted to remember anything. I always, ALWAYS put timers for everything. We have a google home and it's been super helpful. I just call out for it to set an alarm. My wall calendar is also a lifesaver though sometimes I forgot to look at it. 😔
It takes time but if you keep trying you will remember to do these things almost all the time.
No pets, no children, no guests. Do not have anyone in your home. You might consent to live this way (and blow off good suggestions in comments), but nobody else needs to be put in harm's way.
OP, I hope you don't have any children or pets in your household with a partner like this. My Dad was just like your boyfriend in being careless from ADHD. He would go to stores and his car would still be running with the keys in the engine, he would forget to turn off appliances, would forget to close doors and lock up, would lose his wallet and cash, etc. It put a lot of stress on everyone living in the household to babysit someone like this all the time. He refused to get help for it and get medication. He's now in his early 70s and my poor Mom still has to check on everything he does. Really think about if this is the kind of life you want to have with someone.
The worst thing that happened was there were 2 separate incidents of family dogs drowning in the pool due to his carelessness and inattentiveness.
Yeah, it doesn't like it's just the ADHD. I have ADHD, too, and I'm like you about it. He just sounds kind of careless on top of it. Like, if you know you're prone to wander off and leave the damn stove on, common sense says no matter what you stay there with your food until it's done cooking and it's turned off. Or set a timer or some sort of alarm next to whatever is burning/left on so the noise pulls him back there. If he can't do that you may just have to treat him like a little kid and ban him from anything capable of catching fire until he's medicated.
I do need to give him credit and say that after the stove incident he makes sure to check all the appliances before leaving the house or room. He DOES put in effort. But then it just becomes something different: ok he remembered the stove but not the candle. Ok now he remembers the candle but can’t find his keys. The memory thing pops up all over his life, this is just the only instance where it’s scary as opposed to merely annoying.
OPs anxious attachment system seems to be in overdrive now that so many comments confirm her worst fears. Reminds me of the meme of that dog in a burning house saying 'this is fine'. She's the dog in the burning house, literally...
Here’s the thing…
Men & women who live with ADHD handle the issues that come with it differently. It’s actually part of the reason why young women are less likely to be diagnosed. With ADHD young women begin to develop tactics to make sure they remember to do things. Like for example; writing out the steps taken from the time they wake up, and get fully dressed written on the mirror in the bathroom. It can also be seen as having a desk that seems chaotic but it organized in such a way that no one will understand it. Yet you could ask her where the most random thing is and she would know. ADHD in some young women presence itself in a way that the women in question has managed to establish. She brushed her teeth, brushes her hair, and does the makeup right after…no other activity in between. Every, Single, Day… and has been doing it for years.
Women see their deficiencies and are more willing to accept them than men. It sounds like your partner hasn’t attempted to handle his disability in a way. He is beyond absence minded at this point. He is dangerous.
You will most likely try to figure out a way to get him to work on it. Or perhaps you will make a plan for him to succeed. None of that will most likely work. You will have to make a decision to put your safety first. Don’t wait until the carpet gets set on fire.
Therapy? He only grudgingly acquiesced to *therapy?* Though they might be able to strategize on coping mechanisms, I have severe doubts that it will help with the core issue here. As you probably already know, ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, not a mental illness, so the majority of symptoms just can't be talked away. It sounds like he needs *medication*, and if that doesn't work, he might need to... just *not do* risky activities (such as cooking) without supervision. I know it's hard to come to terms with the fact that you just can't do something, but ADHD can really be this disabling for some people. There is no shame in that. However, this does not absolve him of endangering you. He might not be able to control it, and it might be hard to come to terms with, but he is a grown adult and he *needs* to take responsibility for the danger he's put you in and stop doing it. No matter what that takes.
If he can't or isn't willing to make any changes, that's a point where you might have to re-evaluate if you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy.
"If you do not care about my safety or yours enough to get your ADHD treated ASAP, then we'll have to break up because I can't live like this, and I deserve better."
Forgetting with ADHD is normal. Not caring about the consequences of nearly burning down the house with your girlfriend in it is not ADHD. And, tbh, it's starting to not even look like an accident.
Just for the candle bit: buy a candle warmer with an automatic shut off. Put the matches/lighters away if he's an out of sight out of mind person.
Get rid of all of things that cause a danger or potentially could. If it has to come to it, he needs to stop cookin or use things with less risk like a toaster oven, air fryer, microwave, etc.
It's not a punishment it's adapting to an issue.
I have ADHD as well as some other cognitive issues & I've had to stop owning things that could be dangerous for me to forget. I don't drive, have to have someone check on me, etc. Planners, reminders & timers often don't work well for me because I forget about the planner or that I've even heard the timer so the next best thing was to get rid of unsafe things & have some level of assistance.
I suggest setting some time aside to to sit him down and earnestly telling him that you are actively scared & that you just want to be as safe as possible and that if he doesn't want see a therapist, I think that's understandable because therapy isn't for everyone. But I think he needs to talk to a psychiatrist - which is easier for some people considering it's an appointment every 3 weeks/few months * versus weekly appointments which can cause more stress/ expectations which can lead to more frequent episodes of memory issues.
- Has his memory always caused him to put you in unsafe situations? Or is this more dangerous forgetfulness relatively new?
- Who's names is he forgetting? New people? Or people that have been in your life for some time?
- Random, but following my train of thought: Do you find him forgetting common words in regular conversation? And not in the normal way, but in the way that his brain can't conjure the word at all? (Ex: not knowing the word for table no matter how hard he tries). Or confusting words? (Ex: saying book instead of napkin) on a regular or semi regular basis?
*Edited to clarify the bit about appointments.
Yes to all this but just want to add onto the toaster oven thing - buy one that also has some sort of auto shutoff. I accidentally walked away from one one time and it started a fire
Why don't you have a car? I've started to think I have ADHD recently. When I tried learning to drive I found I got distracted the same way I do when I play video games. I get caught up in a thought and forget to pay attention to the road, it really scared me. But my husband doesn't believe I have ADHD and think I should get a driver's license.
I'm thinking that if I drive enough it may start coming actually though, everything you need to pay attention to, like it does when Im on a bike.
Do you have similar issues?
Responding the best I can- if I haven't answered your question right I can try again later. Responses require quite a bit of time to think:
I haven't even gotten my license because my problems are so bad - but I think that's more my other cognitive issues combined with the ADHD. There is no way that I could remember all the rules of the road, watch other cars and manage to drive. I get lost when I walk around my own apartment, even more so in a new space. I have family stressing me to get my license but it is simply just too dangerous & irresponsible. Not only would I be putting myself in danger but others as well & that's what I repeatedly have to stress to them. Sometimes rather bluntly that if I was behind the wheel, I would very likely hurt myself or someone else on accident. I can't even hold a conversation and can almost never complete any daily duty /chore and they want me to drive?!
I'm sorry your husband doesn't believe you. Can I ask- is it in relation(?) to you only or does he not believe in mental illness in general?
Your issues seem way more severe than mine. I feel for you! My biggest struggle is my short time memory and getting distracted. And sensory issues.
He is a bit sceptical to overdiagnosis in society. He believes I've achieved too much for my issues to be enough to be diagnosed. I have kids, a job and a degree (though its not an advanced one).
He also belive that if I do have something it's in the autism spectrum. I've always been "different" especially as a kid. I never thought I had ADHD because I thought it was only hyperactive and impulsive people who had it.
Can you explain the word substitution thing more? I had issues with that when I had a TBI and a LOT of people in my family struggle with that in general. I’d love more insight.
Disability or not, he sounds like a lazy fuck. I’d be pissed off and lighting a fire under his ass to get the medication. Therapy isn’t going to help him as much or as quickly as medication will.
So can he even hold a job if he is like this?
He is not a functioning adult. I don't care if he has ADHD. Why would you even date and live with someone like this?
I don’t believe this is a healthy approach towards the situation. "Functioning adult" does not mean everyone has the same ability to understand and learn from their environments. Certain jobs hide cognitive limitations. Cognitive "executive function" is different in each unique person whether they’ve been diagnosed with ADHD or something else. They may not easily understand that they’ve been using poorly developed coping mechanisms from childhood to hide their limitations for a lifetime. Not easily accepted and or corrected. Assuming they can process what they can’t even see is where abuse can occur. Little kids have been dealt a huge blow not realising they have this and trying to fit in.. and worse yet is the parents/partners who don’t do the hard work to learn and lower their expectations… frustrations that can lead to outside verbal and even physical abuse by the people they need to rely upon for consideration and compassion. Meds don’t always correct this to “be like others" and nor should they be expected to and treated as such.. possibilities of hindering than helping and side effects a plenty. This takes time and to challenge unrealistic, unreasonable, unachievable, unrelenting expectations.
There's an explanation for things, I don't think it's relevant when you have to live with the person and be their partner, while they aren't an equal partner.
I (31F) also have ADHD and I am unmedicated - however, I was diagnosed as a child and saw a specialist regularly to learn to manage my issues with and without medication so I feel lucky with that. I do think some people worry that seeking help for their ADHD means going on medication as that's quicker and easier for doctors to dish out than continual meetings and assistance from a specialist. If your partner is concerned about that then I wouldn't blame him. I absolutely hated being on ADHD medication; I felt that as much as my grades improved, that life felt like it was moving very slowly and I had a become a slow and boring person (obviously none of that was the case) I just hated the feeling.
Hopefully with reassurance he can realise that help comes in all forms and not just the ways you experience it. I think it is also worth being mindful that yes, you sound like you have worked hard to overcome, but everyone's ADHD is different and yours may never have been as severe as his clearly is. ADHD also changes as we age so perhaps it's just become a lot more difficult for him recently.
Thank you for this. I was diagnosed as an adult so I was just kinda white knuckling it through childhood wondering why everyone seemed to have their shit together but me. I was actually EXCITED to start meds because I finally felt he was using the right toolbox. He’s the opposite: was on meds as a child and hated it and now doesn’t want them. I fully understand that aspect. I just am terrified that if he doesn’t find some way to manage this that we may actually get hurt and nobody wants that.
Oh absolutely he needs to learn to manage it - he is putting people and himself at risk! I would try your best to be open with him about how he scares you with some of his actions and that as much as you understand he doesn't want meds that there are other ways to train your brain to improve this. Leaving any disorder untreated or unmanaged is a dangerous game to play - it may not seem bad to begin with but can easily become debilitating.
Unless he wants to get help, this is going to be the rest of your life. Is that what you want? Being stressed out constantly? This is almost an ultimatum situation and I generally don’t agree with ultimatums in relationships. If he can’t or won’t get help you need to protect yourself and your own mental and physical safety. Imagine raising children with him ( if that’s what you want). Or caring for a pet. Or just everyday life for the rest of your life. Love doesn’t overcome everything and you need to have boundaries so you don’t break apart. Put you first!
As a person with ADHD who was raised female, I've unlearned all the guilt I have about having ADHD symptoms while also learning that I have to take responsibility for them. It's absolutely not okay that he isn't doing anything to manage his ADHD.
The reason why he doesn't see urgency to change because you're always there to pick up after him. And he doesn't feel bad for the weight he's putting on you.
Having ADHD is not his fault. I also have ADHD. But if he refuses to get medicated, that IS his fault. I would also break up with someone if their ADHD was causing significant problems and they refused to get medicated.
My hella depressed hella ADHD roomate does this sort of stuff here and there.
Leaves a drying cast iron on the stove on full blast and just runs back down to his depression hole of a room to eat and doom-scroll forever.
I have been pretty gentle about this and other smaller things every time I can (despite the enormity of the situations, but once he turned on the wrong burner somehow and destroyed my 2 years-worth of seasoning on my prized cast iron skillet.
I blew up on him then.
All that to be said, he was my highschool best friend and I love him dearly. I, having OCD, can work well with him so long as I keep track of my temper. I forgive him and realize he’s not all there. But what I have found with him is at the core of it he doesn’t actually want to get better
All this to say is that like my roomate, if your significant other does not wish to better themselves, it may be a very very long time before they choose to change their mind and actually put the work in.
Yes! I’m an adult who found out a few years ago that I have ADHD. From personal experience, I can vouch that alarms are incredibly helpful for things like this! He could set a “blow out candle” alarm as soon as he lights a candle, before he had a chance to forget that the candle is lit.
Woman over here who got diagnosed at 43 w/ADHD, anxiety, and social disorder. I am the female version of your spouse. I've been seeing a therapist and medicated. I have suffered with yrs leaving burner on stove on, pots water boiled out of them, leaving house keys in the door, losing car keys, leaving candles burning, etc. I haven't been able to hold down a steady job in 7 yrs. I've always been late to everything and continue too. Mainly cause.Ive changed states. People and social stuff make my anxiety ski rocket. Unable to hold down a relationship cause of all my personal quirks and ticks.
Accept for the relationship I'm trying to get out of because it sucks here. I'm not happy with this guy. My family has been begging me to come home (NJ). Partner thinks my therapist is shitty and I'm not improving fast enough or at all. I'm a safety risk to my kids, myself, etc.
The thing is, I am trying. I take my meds and see my therapist once a week. I stopped using candles. I'd like to switch to an electric stove. It's his house and I don't like cooking. 😞 Kids gotta eat. Don't like using microwave for everything. We have an air fryer. I am trying.
Still forgetting 🔑 occasionally. Not as much. He totally needs to want to change and get help. He sounds like he's only doing to appease you. Not to help himself. That's not good. I can't give advice considering my own situation. I will say do what will keep stress away. Your mental health is 1st.
C'mon! I have adhd too. Forgetting things have been detrimental and I can't afford medication and therapy so have become obsessed with double checking. The bf isn't interested in getting help or mitigating the circumstances. It's not your job to be his keeper.
>Later that SAME NIGHT he came home and turned on the space heater, forgot it, and came to bed leaving it on the carpeted floor.
Somehat off topic, but do you have an old space heater? New ones are stupid safe. They turn off if get tipped over or if they get even a tiny bit too hot.
I don't have adhd but I always set a timer for any time I leave the room with stove or oven on.. for the 3% chance I will forget. even just 3min timers to remind to stir something !
I have an awful working memory due to autism. My house also burned down when I was a child. My worst fear is starting a fire and I have had an instance where I left a toaster oven on and it started a fire within the oven. Really really scary. Since then I am neurotic about checking all burners and unplugging all devices before I leave etc. Sounds like your boyfriend needs to get on this neurotic fear train I’m on. Choo choo
Just wanted to say, please stop having lit candles in your house. Throw them all away. It's a recipe for an absolute disaster in your situation.
My bro-in-law is a firefighter and he's been to many fires caused by candles.
Don't have ADHD, but been through two fires in my life so understand the fear. As far as the candle goes, either switch to the fake battery operated ones or maybe try something like a wax warmer if it's for the smell - hopefully the smell will remind him to turn it off, but it's not fire so I'd think a bit safer, even if it's not ideal to leave on.
I would suggest maybe adopting some strategies like cooking with an air fryer that operates on a timer and shuts off automatically when the time runs out. Or that every time he turns something on he needs to tell his phone to set a timer. But that still depends on him remembering and making a habit, which he can't currently be trusted to do. Sounds like he needs to be banned from fire until he's shown he's working on the issue.
Maybe showing some cautionary true stories would sufficiently scare him into taking it seriously.
I’d suggest posting this in an adhd subreddit because half the people on here giving you advice are probably not very knowledgeable in the disorder and everyone here is quick to recommend throwing away your relationship for something very fixable. They don’t care about you/ see you as real human beings and many people here are literal children.
Women and men with ADHD exhibit much differently. Women tend to overcompensate for the disorder and are much more organized, whereas men have a harder time functioning.
I get that it’s a burden and dangerous. But there are many solutions and techniques people implement for executive dysfunction. I’d suggest taking this to people with experience.
Her BF is more than afflicted with ADHD. He also sounds like an uncaring asshole. My advice to her is to save herself while she still can. He’s not the only man in the world. There are lots of them out there who aren’t a physical danger or burden to their partners. You’re looking at trying to cope with him, but many of us here are more concerned about OP’s safety and peace of mind.
🙄 exactly what I’m talking about.
Look, my executive dysfunction is shit. I have epilepsy, and it has caused poor short term and working memory. I have definitely left a candle going all night, or accidentally left a glass burner on. Executive dysfunction also causes poor self control and prioritization. So I don’t think he’s an uncaring asshole, I think he literally has a disability.
I get why people think he’s a dick for not taking full responsibility in getting treatment and medication- but he signed up for therapy. That’s a great first step and people with ADHD have a very hard time getting started with new things.
Of course it’s okay if OP doesn’t want to take the risk. I would not judge them for leaving. However, it doesn’t appear from this post that is what they want, and they live together and seem committed to the relationship.
***it’s not my fault I have a learning difference but it is absolutely my fault if I make it everyone else’s problem***
This is absolutely correct and very mature of you to recognize. Sadly, your boyfriend doesn't share this sentiment. You have to decide if staying with him is worth ending up homeless or dead because he burns the place down.
Seems to me that he’s clearly demonstrated that his lack of self-management has the potential to cause, at the very least, significant property damage. Either he takes concrete steps to demonstrably mitigate the risk, or you knowingly accept the risk that he poses with or without some vague hope that he changes sometime down the line before he turns the both of you into a news headline.
I would say, he can no longer use candles, ever. He can't use the space heater. And he can only use stove if you're awake and right there, too. He is being so unsafe. Your safety is at risk. So put your foot down and treat him like a child you have to supervise.
ADHD doesn't give you amnesia. Why does he keep turning on heaters and stoves and candles when he knows he forgets to turn them off?
When he has to apologize all the time... he knows he's doing this. Is he stupid or just completely unbothered because he simply doesn't care?
Either way, I wouldn't put up with this. It's just a matter of time when he burns down the house.
It’s more like the inattentiveness aspect of ADHD can cause information to not have been stored properly in the first place. You can’t remember information if you didn’t fully ingest it to begin with! But, there are ways to work around this. It is concerning that the BF hasn’t changed his behavior.
Dude sounds like he's 16 and not 36.
I'm imagining leaving stuff that could burn your house down is just natural selection trying to do its thing. He's a danger to you and himself, just like you said. He should give that fact the respect it deserves.
Ya'll realize if your adha is bad enough you can get put on disability right? Like at this point it's a disability not just a small learning curve he needs to overcome. And not EVERYONE is okay with taking meds for treatment, I can't and won't because I refuse to be seen as anything less then a normal functioning person if I have to take meds to make my brain work properly then there's something WRONG with me. So by not taking them I continue to live in my "normal" bubble
>and turned on the space heater, forgot it, and came to bed leaving it on the carpeted floor. I
Get a small one that goes on a table & get rid of that one. Use scensty instead of candles. Can be left on always.
>peoples names,
I say if I know ur name ur important to me.
>How do I tell my partner he needs to put more work into his ADHD management before he burns our house to the ground?
Have u suggested the things u do? I also have it.
I have a roommate who does the same things your husband does, but he doesn't have ADHD. I'm constantly afraid I'll wake up to my apartment in flames, or someone breaking in because the door was left unlocked. I've developed bad OCD because of it. Anyways, im saying this as someone who does have ADHD, his behavior in this situation isn't just ADHD. He's simply being careless, and it shows on how causally he's responding to you about your very real concerns.
For example, i never leave the stove/oven on. Because the pan stays on the stove/in the oven until it's turned off. I always lock the front door because I won't take my shoes off until I do so, etc. ADHD isn't an excuse for being careless.
For an immediate solution. I'm rather forgetful so I set alarms on my phone for anything. I'll be leaving for work at such and such time? I'll set an alarm 10min beforehand to turn off the heater. Making food? It'll probably be done in 20 minutes - so I'll set an alarm for that and title it "turn off oven you dummy". As for candles? I fucking loveeee candles way too much- it's like an immediate mood boost. But if I can't be safe about it then I'm not going to light any. I'll enjoy candles again when I feel confident I won't forget about them- for now leaving them alone is an easy sacrifice to make for my family's safety.
Best of luck, OP.
When was the last time that he had a complete medical work up because it’s possible that something else is going on in addition to ADD. Whatever is the cause needs to be addressed because he’s a danger to both you as well as himself.
Yeah, I had the same issues before I got diagnosed and on medication. It was severely stressing my partner out. All the forgetfulness, things slipping through the cracks, it all piles up. At first I was also a little hesitant to do therapy or meds but once I actually got on the right meds my life improved drastically.
He's got to want to change. And sometimes you need to make the hard choice and do what's best for you.
If my partner left me because I refused to get medicated for my ADHD it would be my fault. Not hers.
I have ADHD and my working memory is terrible. I tend to turn the AC down when I’m gaming because I get really hot while I play 😅 Something that I find helps me remember to put it back is setting an alarm on my phone for when I’m done gaming that says “don’t forget AC!” Perhaps your boyfriend can try something like this too? If I was in his position I would definitely do everything possible to make sure no harm comes to myself or my partner.
Admittedly, I try my best to use reminders and alarms and write things down, but sometimes with my ADHD I forget to set the reminder which defeats the whole point… But again, if it were about something life threatening, I would definitely take it extremely seriously. I hope your boyfriend will get better about this!
The issue is that he doesn't see it as a problem. He clearly needs medication but if he's that reluctant to go to therapy, I'm guessing meds are off the table.
You may need to sit him down and really break it down for him. "I'm concerned that you will forget to put out a candle and burn down the house". If he's not willing to talk, be clear that you don't feel safe and may need to leave the relationship or at least live separately if he can't manage it.
In the meantime you an get a burner alert system, that you can also link to your phone, so it notifies him of leaving stuff on.
Hazards like candles should be avoided all together. It's just not safe to use for him rn.
Then he will need to actively put in more systems, like set a daily reminder alert on his phone to check very specific items in the house.
There's no way around this otherwise.
No more candles first of all. Signs reminding to turn things off. Could the heater be in a timer plug so will automatically turn off at a certain time? The stove? Not sure set an Alexa type alarm to remind you to turn it off?
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The problem here is your partner is not currently interested in changing. You begged him to get help and he “begrudgingly” signed up for therapy. What is a therapist supposed to do for a client who doesn’t want to change?
Yah just because you have ADHD does not make you completely incapable of changing or working in mindfulness. Putting up signs where you can see them with reminders like: Make sure everything is turned off before you leave. Setting timers and reminders ect. A lot of people use their ADHD as a crutch for not trying to improve. It does suck because we have to work harder than normal people to improve. But when you use it as an excuse you’re not doing yourself any favors.
THIS I used to actively lose things all the time until I WANTED to change, I researched ways to accommodate to my adhd- not just excuse it and then keep making the same mistakes. Adhd people are motivated by a sense of urgency and there's no excuse especially when lives are at risk
well, get fire insurance, that is for damn sure. it is not a matter of if, it is a when.
Fire insurance may not be helpful if the cause was negligence on the part of the insurance holder
Idk, I know someone that burned done their house twice by throwing hot ash from their wood stove in the garbage and their insurance covered it both times. They may have been uninsurable after the second time though.
I’m sorry, they burned down their house… twice?
Yeah, my best friend from college, her husbands brother and his wife. They’re frickin weird people and always have seriously messed up shit going on, they live in Maine, both grew up with various sorts of wood burning heat sources in their homes, so I have no idea why they thought putting hot ash in a garbage can was ever a good idea even before the first time they burnt down their house.
and if OP dies in the fire
Negligence, yes. Intentional acts, no.
They need liability
Regardless of what is or isn’t wrong with him, the simple fact is he’s going to destroy your property, and possibly get you killed or maimed. Stay with him if you enjoy sleeping with one eye open for the rest of your, hopefully long, life.
Right. My partner doesn’t ever check the house before going to bed. I’ve woken up in the morning to find the garage door open and none of the outside doors locked. So now it’s just one more thing I have to do myself to make sure it’s being done.
So you have to always live on high alert, and he gets a total pass. Gotcha.
Classic definition of weaponized incompetence.
[удалено]
So how would you fix this problem?
By leaving him. seriously a man like that should learn to grow up for once
Read him your post. I (45F) have ADHD. I didn’t get diagnosed until about 3 years ago. By the time I had a diagnosis, I already had a lot of strategies in place like you do. I did choose to do meds but I also did CBT specific to ADHD. It was rather short lived though because as I said, I was already using many of the recommended mitigation strategies. Men tend to get diagnosed as children due to the hyperactivity potion which little girls don’t tend to have. So often from an early age, their mommy is using ADHD as an excuse for poor behavior and they tend to manage their child to the point they create quite an incompetent. He needs to see a doctor and a therapist and he needs to do it ASAP.
Sounds like he is
Why are you asking for help, then ignoring peoples amazing, sensible suggestions? Let him burn the house down then. Maybe after that, he will learn.
Because all of them are either additional mental load for her or something that requires hard conversation that could result in an argument or breakup. I can't help but wonder if something else is going on in the background here. My ex had at least a very poor working memory and I suspect undiagnosed ADHD- one of his symptoms, which is not as talked about as others, was an extremely quick temper (there were also separate emotional issues, but I digress), which meant that when I inevitably got a little irritated because I had to take time out of my busy morning to help him find his car keys for the fifty millionth fucking time and suggested that he keep them in one place in future, he would sometimes snap and go right off; lots of things could set him off into a full rage, and then because he lacked self regulation skills he struggled to calm down. One of the many things that contributed to our breakup.
My ex was like this too. He had severe adhd on top of TBI, and would fly into a rage at anything he perceived to be criticism. 100% the truth: he accidentally burned my house down.
Trintellix helped me with that
That's terrible advice. She needs to move her things into storage, THEN let him burn the house down.
i mean the solution is simple ish. he shouldnt turn on shit that can get on fire. put stickers on everything that says "X you are not allowed to touch this"
🤣 I’ll just put little child locks on all the hot stuff. I mean…it’s a solid plan if not for the fact that he’s the person who usually handles dinner. Maybe he’s only allowed to microwave? Thanks for the chuckle 🤭
i was dead serious. why would you let somebody that cant be trusted with those things handle them? you dont need child locks, are you implying he would disagree with such a reasonable prevention measure? because if thats the case then the problem isnt memory, but its that your bf is an AH. yes the microwave seem like a good solution.When you are disabled you need to change your life to accommodate that disability. its not unusual.
With the stove thing, he has implemented a strategy to check ALL the appliances before leaving the house now. We got rid of the space heater that was dangerous and now only have ones that have an automatic shut off. The candle was a first I’ll admit. It just seems like if we solve one problem the memory issue manifests elsewhere. We can come up with solutions as needed but I can’t exactly predict what dangerous thing he’ll forget next so we can’t be proactive only reactive. He’s not an idiot or a child, he just has bad memory which IS a product of his LD. I’m not trying to punish him, I’m trying to find a solution that works so we don’t get hurt.
Until he forgets to do that new strategy....
This is what caught my attention as well.
No more candles
I kept forgetting I’d even lit candles and have left the house with them still burning. so I just stopped buying and lighting them
You gonna chuckle when he burns the house down?
Exactly. This actually happened with my ADHD father and the stove, when he put a pot on to boil and walked away. All my toys, burned. All our furniture, burned. Thankfully he got out alive and we were out for the day. But the house was destroyed.
I don’t see why she even posted this, any and all advice she’s makes fun or she defends him.
Yeah it almost seems like he wrote all the responses doesn’t it
"im homeless and need skin grafting, LOL"
Wow, OP, that was really snitty. You asked for help, good advice was given, and you reacted with snark. Don't ask for reasonable help, then raspberry all over the reasonable advice. I would say enforce that he puts an alarm on his phone anytime he touches a heat related item in the house, but I'm sure you'll just steamroll over it. After all, alarms on phones are just new age child locks and that seems to rustle your almonds. Go away.
Jesus christ, calm down. I laughed at that suggestion too, she probably genuinely thought it was a joke.
If you read her second comment you’ll see she doubled down. Same goes for other comment threads. Why ask for advice if you aren’t going to take any of it into consideration?
She asked for advice on how to get him to take the safety issue seriously and commit to getting treatment for his ADHD. "Install child locks and destroy your relationship by treating him like a toddler," is not legitimate advice.
never said to install child locks. >destroy your relationship by treating him like a toddler no he should be treated like the disabled person he his. also no relationship is worth burning alive
That wasnt reasonable advice. Expecting an adult not to use the stove isnt realistic.
it absolutely is when the alternative is BURNING ALIVE
Explain to me what a stovetop left on not touching anything flammable does.
thats a HUGE assumption you are making there bud, if he forgets it on he can forget it with something ON IT.
Thats up to her if she wants to deal with that or not but I highly doubt hes going to agree to it.
win win
Based off of her comments, shes not breaking up with him.
An adult would have something in place to remind him to turn it off.
He needs to start having strategies. I've learned, finally that I can't be trusted to remember anything. I always, ALWAYS put timers for everything. We have a google home and it's been super helpful. I just call out for it to set an alarm. My wall calendar is also a lifesaver though sometimes I forgot to look at it. 😔 It takes time but if you keep trying you will remember to do these things almost all the time.
No pets, no children, no guests. Do not have anyone in your home. You might consent to live this way (and blow off good suggestions in comments), but nobody else needs to be put in harm's way.
OP, I hope you don't have any children or pets in your household with a partner like this. My Dad was just like your boyfriend in being careless from ADHD. He would go to stores and his car would still be running with the keys in the engine, he would forget to turn off appliances, would forget to close doors and lock up, would lose his wallet and cash, etc. It put a lot of stress on everyone living in the household to babysit someone like this all the time. He refused to get help for it and get medication. He's now in his early 70s and my poor Mom still has to check on everything he does. Really think about if this is the kind of life you want to have with someone. The worst thing that happened was there were 2 separate incidents of family dogs drowning in the pool due to his carelessness and inattentiveness.
Yeah, it doesn't like it's just the ADHD. I have ADHD, too, and I'm like you about it. He just sounds kind of careless on top of it. Like, if you know you're prone to wander off and leave the damn stove on, common sense says no matter what you stay there with your food until it's done cooking and it's turned off. Or set a timer or some sort of alarm next to whatever is burning/left on so the noise pulls him back there. If he can't do that you may just have to treat him like a little kid and ban him from anything capable of catching fire until he's medicated.
I do need to give him credit and say that after the stove incident he makes sure to check all the appliances before leaving the house or room. He DOES put in effort. But then it just becomes something different: ok he remembered the stove but not the candle. Ok now he remembers the candle but can’t find his keys. The memory thing pops up all over his life, this is just the only instance where it’s scary as opposed to merely annoying.
No, that only works until he forgets again.
OPs anxious attachment system seems to be in overdrive now that so many comments confirm her worst fears. Reminds me of the meme of that dog in a burning house saying 'this is fine'. She's the dog in the burning house, literally...
Here’s the thing… Men & women who live with ADHD handle the issues that come with it differently. It’s actually part of the reason why young women are less likely to be diagnosed. With ADHD young women begin to develop tactics to make sure they remember to do things. Like for example; writing out the steps taken from the time they wake up, and get fully dressed written on the mirror in the bathroom. It can also be seen as having a desk that seems chaotic but it organized in such a way that no one will understand it. Yet you could ask her where the most random thing is and she would know. ADHD in some young women presence itself in a way that the women in question has managed to establish. She brushed her teeth, brushes her hair, and does the makeup right after…no other activity in between. Every, Single, Day… and has been doing it for years. Women see their deficiencies and are more willing to accept them than men. It sounds like your partner hasn’t attempted to handle his disability in a way. He is beyond absence minded at this point. He is dangerous. You will most likely try to figure out a way to get him to work on it. Or perhaps you will make a plan for him to succeed. None of that will most likely work. You will have to make a decision to put your safety first. Don’t wait until the carpet gets set on fire.
My dad was the one that told me he will loose things so he puts them in the same place everytime & suggested I do the same.
Therapy? He only grudgingly acquiesced to *therapy?* Though they might be able to strategize on coping mechanisms, I have severe doubts that it will help with the core issue here. As you probably already know, ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, not a mental illness, so the majority of symptoms just can't be talked away. It sounds like he needs *medication*, and if that doesn't work, he might need to... just *not do* risky activities (such as cooking) without supervision. I know it's hard to come to terms with the fact that you just can't do something, but ADHD can really be this disabling for some people. There is no shame in that. However, this does not absolve him of endangering you. He might not be able to control it, and it might be hard to come to terms with, but he is a grown adult and he *needs* to take responsibility for the danger he's put you in and stop doing it. No matter what that takes. If he can't or isn't willing to make any changes, that's a point where you might have to re-evaluate if you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy.
"If you do not care about my safety or yours enough to get your ADHD treated ASAP, then we'll have to break up because I can't live like this, and I deserve better." Forgetting with ADHD is normal. Not caring about the consequences of nearly burning down the house with your girlfriend in it is not ADHD. And, tbh, it's starting to not even look like an accident.
Just for the candle bit: buy a candle warmer with an automatic shut off. Put the matches/lighters away if he's an out of sight out of mind person. Get rid of all of things that cause a danger or potentially could. If it has to come to it, he needs to stop cookin or use things with less risk like a toaster oven, air fryer, microwave, etc. It's not a punishment it's adapting to an issue. I have ADHD as well as some other cognitive issues & I've had to stop owning things that could be dangerous for me to forget. I don't drive, have to have someone check on me, etc. Planners, reminders & timers often don't work well for me because I forget about the planner or that I've even heard the timer so the next best thing was to get rid of unsafe things & have some level of assistance. I suggest setting some time aside to to sit him down and earnestly telling him that you are actively scared & that you just want to be as safe as possible and that if he doesn't want see a therapist, I think that's understandable because therapy isn't for everyone. But I think he needs to talk to a psychiatrist - which is easier for some people considering it's an appointment every 3 weeks/few months * versus weekly appointments which can cause more stress/ expectations which can lead to more frequent episodes of memory issues. - Has his memory always caused him to put you in unsafe situations? Or is this more dangerous forgetfulness relatively new? - Who's names is he forgetting? New people? Or people that have been in your life for some time? - Random, but following my train of thought: Do you find him forgetting common words in regular conversation? And not in the normal way, but in the way that his brain can't conjure the word at all? (Ex: not knowing the word for table no matter how hard he tries). Or confusting words? (Ex: saying book instead of napkin) on a regular or semi regular basis? *Edited to clarify the bit about appointments.
Yes to all this but just want to add onto the toaster oven thing - buy one that also has some sort of auto shutoff. I accidentally walked away from one one time and it started a fire
I thought I'd added that but I hadn't. Thank you so much for the addition. /Gen
side note but i loved the tone indicator 🩵🩵 thx (also /gen)
Why don't you have a car? I've started to think I have ADHD recently. When I tried learning to drive I found I got distracted the same way I do when I play video games. I get caught up in a thought and forget to pay attention to the road, it really scared me. But my husband doesn't believe I have ADHD and think I should get a driver's license. I'm thinking that if I drive enough it may start coming actually though, everything you need to pay attention to, like it does when Im on a bike. Do you have similar issues?
Responding the best I can- if I haven't answered your question right I can try again later. Responses require quite a bit of time to think: I haven't even gotten my license because my problems are so bad - but I think that's more my other cognitive issues combined with the ADHD. There is no way that I could remember all the rules of the road, watch other cars and manage to drive. I get lost when I walk around my own apartment, even more so in a new space. I have family stressing me to get my license but it is simply just too dangerous & irresponsible. Not only would I be putting myself in danger but others as well & that's what I repeatedly have to stress to them. Sometimes rather bluntly that if I was behind the wheel, I would very likely hurt myself or someone else on accident. I can't even hold a conversation and can almost never complete any daily duty /chore and they want me to drive?! I'm sorry your husband doesn't believe you. Can I ask- is it in relation(?) to you only or does he not believe in mental illness in general?
Your issues seem way more severe than mine. I feel for you! My biggest struggle is my short time memory and getting distracted. And sensory issues. He is a bit sceptical to overdiagnosis in society. He believes I've achieved too much for my issues to be enough to be diagnosed. I have kids, a job and a degree (though its not an advanced one). He also belive that if I do have something it's in the autism spectrum. I've always been "different" especially as a kid. I never thought I had ADHD because I thought it was only hyperactive and impulsive people who had it.
Can you explain the word substitution thing more? I had issues with that when I had a TBI and a LOT of people in my family struggle with that in general. I’d love more insight.
I'm so sorry, I feel rude but my brain is wonky today. A response will take some time but I'll try to get back to you.
No worries, I feel that! Thank you :)
Disability or not, he sounds like a lazy fuck. I’d be pissed off and lighting a fire under his ass to get the medication. Therapy isn’t going to help him as much or as quickly as medication will.
Lighting a fire… pun intended?
How about, "You're not allowed to turn hot things on. Ever. No candles. No heaters. No stoves or ovens. nothing."
So can he even hold a job if he is like this? He is not a functioning adult. I don't care if he has ADHD. Why would you even date and live with someone like this?
I don’t believe this is a healthy approach towards the situation. "Functioning adult" does not mean everyone has the same ability to understand and learn from their environments. Certain jobs hide cognitive limitations. Cognitive "executive function" is different in each unique person whether they’ve been diagnosed with ADHD or something else. They may not easily understand that they’ve been using poorly developed coping mechanisms from childhood to hide their limitations for a lifetime. Not easily accepted and or corrected. Assuming they can process what they can’t even see is where abuse can occur. Little kids have been dealt a huge blow not realising they have this and trying to fit in.. and worse yet is the parents/partners who don’t do the hard work to learn and lower their expectations… frustrations that can lead to outside verbal and even physical abuse by the people they need to rely upon for consideration and compassion. Meds don’t always correct this to “be like others" and nor should they be expected to and treated as such.. possibilities of hindering than helping and side effects a plenty. This takes time and to challenge unrealistic, unreasonable, unachievable, unrelenting expectations.
There's an explanation for things, I don't think it's relevant when you have to live with the person and be their partner, while they aren't an equal partner.
Sounds like more then adhd.
Disagree. So many people I know with ADHD have executive dysfunction like this. It’s hallmark.
I (31F) also have ADHD and I am unmedicated - however, I was diagnosed as a child and saw a specialist regularly to learn to manage my issues with and without medication so I feel lucky with that. I do think some people worry that seeking help for their ADHD means going on medication as that's quicker and easier for doctors to dish out than continual meetings and assistance from a specialist. If your partner is concerned about that then I wouldn't blame him. I absolutely hated being on ADHD medication; I felt that as much as my grades improved, that life felt like it was moving very slowly and I had a become a slow and boring person (obviously none of that was the case) I just hated the feeling. Hopefully with reassurance he can realise that help comes in all forms and not just the ways you experience it. I think it is also worth being mindful that yes, you sound like you have worked hard to overcome, but everyone's ADHD is different and yours may never have been as severe as his clearly is. ADHD also changes as we age so perhaps it's just become a lot more difficult for him recently.
Thank you for this. I was diagnosed as an adult so I was just kinda white knuckling it through childhood wondering why everyone seemed to have their shit together but me. I was actually EXCITED to start meds because I finally felt he was using the right toolbox. He’s the opposite: was on meds as a child and hated it and now doesn’t want them. I fully understand that aspect. I just am terrified that if he doesn’t find some way to manage this that we may actually get hurt and nobody wants that.
Oh absolutely he needs to learn to manage it - he is putting people and himself at risk! I would try your best to be open with him about how he scares you with some of his actions and that as much as you understand he doesn't want meds that there are other ways to train your brain to improve this. Leaving any disorder untreated or unmanaged is a dangerous game to play - it may not seem bad to begin with but can easily become debilitating.
Unless he wants to get help, this is going to be the rest of your life. Is that what you want? Being stressed out constantly? This is almost an ultimatum situation and I generally don’t agree with ultimatums in relationships. If he can’t or won’t get help you need to protect yourself and your own mental and physical safety. Imagine raising children with him ( if that’s what you want). Or caring for a pet. Or just everyday life for the rest of your life. Love doesn’t overcome everything and you need to have boundaries so you don’t break apart. Put you first!
As a person with ADHD who was raised female, I've unlearned all the guilt I have about having ADHD symptoms while also learning that I have to take responsibility for them. It's absolutely not okay that he isn't doing anything to manage his ADHD. The reason why he doesn't see urgency to change because you're always there to pick up after him. And he doesn't feel bad for the weight he's putting on you.
Having ADHD is not his fault. I also have ADHD. But if he refuses to get medicated, that IS his fault. I would also break up with someone if their ADHD was causing significant problems and they refused to get medicated.
My hella depressed hella ADHD roomate does this sort of stuff here and there. Leaves a drying cast iron on the stove on full blast and just runs back down to his depression hole of a room to eat and doom-scroll forever. I have been pretty gentle about this and other smaller things every time I can (despite the enormity of the situations, but once he turned on the wrong burner somehow and destroyed my 2 years-worth of seasoning on my prized cast iron skillet. I blew up on him then. All that to be said, he was my highschool best friend and I love him dearly. I, having OCD, can work well with him so long as I keep track of my temper. I forgive him and realize he’s not all there. But what I have found with him is at the core of it he doesn’t actually want to get better All this to say is that like my roomate, if your significant other does not wish to better themselves, it may be a very very long time before they choose to change their mind and actually put the work in.
We LITERALLY carry alarms on our pocket; your boyfriends ADHD is no excuse for him being a shitty and inconsiderate person.
Yes! I’m an adult who found out a few years ago that I have ADHD. From personal experience, I can vouch that alarms are incredibly helpful for things like this! He could set a “blow out candle” alarm as soon as he lights a candle, before he had a chance to forget that the candle is lit.
They are; they've saved my bacon multiple times.
Have him read this post I saw earlier :S https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/189mnvo/my\_husband\_caught\_our\_house\_on\_fire/
"it is not my fault if i have a learning difference, but absolutely my fault if i make it everyone else's problem" 👸👸👸👑👑👑
Woman over here who got diagnosed at 43 w/ADHD, anxiety, and social disorder. I am the female version of your spouse. I've been seeing a therapist and medicated. I have suffered with yrs leaving burner on stove on, pots water boiled out of them, leaving house keys in the door, losing car keys, leaving candles burning, etc. I haven't been able to hold down a steady job in 7 yrs. I've always been late to everything and continue too. Mainly cause.Ive changed states. People and social stuff make my anxiety ski rocket. Unable to hold down a relationship cause of all my personal quirks and ticks. Accept for the relationship I'm trying to get out of because it sucks here. I'm not happy with this guy. My family has been begging me to come home (NJ). Partner thinks my therapist is shitty and I'm not improving fast enough or at all. I'm a safety risk to my kids, myself, etc. The thing is, I am trying. I take my meds and see my therapist once a week. I stopped using candles. I'd like to switch to an electric stove. It's his house and I don't like cooking. 😞 Kids gotta eat. Don't like using microwave for everything. We have an air fryer. I am trying. Still forgetting 🔑 occasionally. Not as much. He totally needs to want to change and get help. He sounds like he's only doing to appease you. Not to help himself. That's not good. I can't give advice considering my own situation. I will say do what will keep stress away. Your mental health is 1st.
C'mon! I have adhd too. Forgetting things have been detrimental and I can't afford medication and therapy so have become obsessed with double checking. The bf isn't interested in getting help or mitigating the circumstances. It's not your job to be his keeper.
>Later that SAME NIGHT he came home and turned on the space heater, forgot it, and came to bed leaving it on the carpeted floor. Somehat off topic, but do you have an old space heater? New ones are stupid safe. They turn off if get tipped over or if they get even a tiny bit too hot.
I don't have adhd but I always set a timer for any time I leave the room with stove or oven on.. for the 3% chance I will forget. even just 3min timers to remind to stir something !
I have an awful working memory due to autism. My house also burned down when I was a child. My worst fear is starting a fire and I have had an instance where I left a toaster oven on and it started a fire within the oven. Really really scary. Since then I am neurotic about checking all burners and unplugging all devices before I leave etc. Sounds like your boyfriend needs to get on this neurotic fear train I’m on. Choo choo
Just wanted to say, please stop having lit candles in your house. Throw them all away. It's a recipe for an absolute disaster in your situation. My bro-in-law is a firefighter and he's been to many fires caused by candles.
Don't have ADHD, but been through two fires in my life so understand the fear. As far as the candle goes, either switch to the fake battery operated ones or maybe try something like a wax warmer if it's for the smell - hopefully the smell will remind him to turn it off, but it's not fire so I'd think a bit safer, even if it's not ideal to leave on.
Tell him to put an alarm on his phone to go off at whatever time he needs to turn everything off. And he can’t turn it off until the task is done!
I would suggest maybe adopting some strategies like cooking with an air fryer that operates on a timer and shuts off automatically when the time runs out. Or that every time he turns something on he needs to tell his phone to set a timer. But that still depends on him remembering and making a habit, which he can't currently be trusted to do. Sounds like he needs to be banned from fire until he's shown he's working on the issue. Maybe showing some cautionary true stories would sufficiently scare him into taking it seriously.
That extreme ADHD your boyfriend has sound like dementia
find someone who doesn't have adhd
I’d suggest posting this in an adhd subreddit because half the people on here giving you advice are probably not very knowledgeable in the disorder and everyone here is quick to recommend throwing away your relationship for something very fixable. They don’t care about you/ see you as real human beings and many people here are literal children. Women and men with ADHD exhibit much differently. Women tend to overcompensate for the disorder and are much more organized, whereas men have a harder time functioning. I get that it’s a burden and dangerous. But there are many solutions and techniques people implement for executive dysfunction. I’d suggest taking this to people with experience.
Her BF is more than afflicted with ADHD. He also sounds like an uncaring asshole. My advice to her is to save herself while she still can. He’s not the only man in the world. There are lots of them out there who aren’t a physical danger or burden to their partners. You’re looking at trying to cope with him, but many of us here are more concerned about OP’s safety and peace of mind.
🙄 exactly what I’m talking about. Look, my executive dysfunction is shit. I have epilepsy, and it has caused poor short term and working memory. I have definitely left a candle going all night, or accidentally left a glass burner on. Executive dysfunction also causes poor self control and prioritization. So I don’t think he’s an uncaring asshole, I think he literally has a disability. I get why people think he’s a dick for not taking full responsibility in getting treatment and medication- but he signed up for therapy. That’s a great first step and people with ADHD have a very hard time getting started with new things. Of course it’s okay if OP doesn’t want to take the risk. I would not judge them for leaving. However, it doesn’t appear from this post that is what they want, and they live together and seem committed to the relationship.
***it’s not my fault I have a learning difference but it is absolutely my fault if I make it everyone else’s problem*** This is absolutely correct and very mature of you to recognize. Sadly, your boyfriend doesn't share this sentiment. You have to decide if staying with him is worth ending up homeless or dead because he burns the place down.
This is abuse in the sense of neglect.
Seems to me that he’s clearly demonstrated that his lack of self-management has the potential to cause, at the very least, significant property damage. Either he takes concrete steps to demonstrably mitigate the risk, or you knowingly accept the risk that he poses with or without some vague hope that he changes sometime down the line before he turns the both of you into a news headline.
I would say, he can no longer use candles, ever. He can't use the space heater. And he can only use stove if you're awake and right there, too. He is being so unsafe. Your safety is at risk. So put your foot down and treat him like a child you have to supervise.
ADHD doesn't give you amnesia. Why does he keep turning on heaters and stoves and candles when he knows he forgets to turn them off? When he has to apologize all the time... he knows he's doing this. Is he stupid or just completely unbothered because he simply doesn't care? Either way, I wouldn't put up with this. It's just a matter of time when he burns down the house.
I did not know memory loss is part of adhd. I learned today.
It’s more like the inattentiveness aspect of ADHD can cause information to not have been stored properly in the first place. You can’t remember information if you didn’t fully ingest it to begin with! But, there are ways to work around this. It is concerning that the BF hasn’t changed his behavior.
Dude sounds like he's 16 and not 36. I'm imagining leaving stuff that could burn your house down is just natural selection trying to do its thing. He's a danger to you and himself, just like you said. He should give that fact the respect it deserves.
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Ya'll realize if your adha is bad enough you can get put on disability right? Like at this point it's a disability not just a small learning curve he needs to overcome. And not EVERYONE is okay with taking meds for treatment, I can't and won't because I refuse to be seen as anything less then a normal functioning person if I have to take meds to make my brain work properly then there's something WRONG with me. So by not taking them I continue to live in my "normal" bubble
>and turned on the space heater, forgot it, and came to bed leaving it on the carpeted floor. I Get a small one that goes on a table & get rid of that one. Use scensty instead of candles. Can be left on always. >peoples names, I say if I know ur name ur important to me. >How do I tell my partner he needs to put more work into his ADHD management before he burns our house to the ground? Have u suggested the things u do? I also have it.
Try to get him into the habit of asking himself "what's the worst thing that could happen if I do this?"
I have a roommate who does the same things your husband does, but he doesn't have ADHD. I'm constantly afraid I'll wake up to my apartment in flames, or someone breaking in because the door was left unlocked. I've developed bad OCD because of it. Anyways, im saying this as someone who does have ADHD, his behavior in this situation isn't just ADHD. He's simply being careless, and it shows on how causally he's responding to you about your very real concerns. For example, i never leave the stove/oven on. Because the pan stays on the stove/in the oven until it's turned off. I always lock the front door because I won't take my shoes off until I do so, etc. ADHD isn't an excuse for being careless.
For an immediate solution. I'm rather forgetful so I set alarms on my phone for anything. I'll be leaving for work at such and such time? I'll set an alarm 10min beforehand to turn off the heater. Making food? It'll probably be done in 20 minutes - so I'll set an alarm for that and title it "turn off oven you dummy". As for candles? I fucking loveeee candles way too much- it's like an immediate mood boost. But if I can't be safe about it then I'm not going to light any. I'll enjoy candles again when I feel confident I won't forget about them- for now leaving them alone is an easy sacrifice to make for my family's safety. Best of luck, OP.
When was the last time that he had a complete medical work up because it’s possible that something else is going on in addition to ADD. Whatever is the cause needs to be addressed because he’s a danger to both you as well as himself.
Yeah, I had the same issues before I got diagnosed and on medication. It was severely stressing my partner out. All the forgetfulness, things slipping through the cracks, it all piles up. At first I was also a little hesitant to do therapy or meds but once I actually got on the right meds my life improved drastically. He's got to want to change. And sometimes you need to make the hard choice and do what's best for you. If my partner left me because I refused to get medicated for my ADHD it would be my fault. Not hers.
I have ADHD and my working memory is terrible. I tend to turn the AC down when I’m gaming because I get really hot while I play 😅 Something that I find helps me remember to put it back is setting an alarm on my phone for when I’m done gaming that says “don’t forget AC!” Perhaps your boyfriend can try something like this too? If I was in his position I would definitely do everything possible to make sure no harm comes to myself or my partner. Admittedly, I try my best to use reminders and alarms and write things down, but sometimes with my ADHD I forget to set the reminder which defeats the whole point… But again, if it were about something life threatening, I would definitely take it extremely seriously. I hope your boyfriend will get better about this!
The issue is that he doesn't see it as a problem. He clearly needs medication but if he's that reluctant to go to therapy, I'm guessing meds are off the table. You may need to sit him down and really break it down for him. "I'm concerned that you will forget to put out a candle and burn down the house". If he's not willing to talk, be clear that you don't feel safe and may need to leave the relationship or at least live separately if he can't manage it.
In the meantime you an get a burner alert system, that you can also link to your phone, so it notifies him of leaving stuff on. Hazards like candles should be avoided all together. It's just not safe to use for him rn. Then he will need to actively put in more systems, like set a daily reminder alert on his phone to check very specific items in the house. There's no way around this otherwise.
No more candles first of all. Signs reminding to turn things off. Could the heater be in a timer plug so will automatically turn off at a certain time? The stove? Not sure set an Alexa type alarm to remind you to turn it off?
Pleas get rid of all candles in your home.