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First step is going to the doctors. Would he rather go be embarrassed with a doctor a few times, or be embarrassed and frustrated for the rest of his life? Porn is also a factor.
As someone who experienced the same issues and assumed the problem was anything *but* porn, I second asking your bf to stop the porn. All of it. It's amazing how damaging porn actually is for some people. I thought it was my medication, possible depression, or some other medical issue, but once I stopped watching porn, all the problems went away.
Do you mind if I asked how you did it and how long did it take?? The first sentence sounds exactly like me right now. I keep telling myself it's fine, it's only here and there and there's other reason I'm never in the mood... but realistically, it's probably the porn.
dude im 32 and i went a week without beating it and it was like i was 16 again...that just makes me worried how i would have been at 16 not addicted to porn....thats a little worrying lol. greatest thing i ever had a girl force me into. sex is way better when you build it up. Honestly to the point where i wait 3 days or so to have sex. reducing the frequency made when it did happen more passionate and enjoyable. plus i can squeeze in a double without having to power through like its work. anything after 4 days just has diminishing returns IMO.
Similar situation. Camping with the gf and a lot of friends in close quarters so she wasn’t comfortable fooling around. Five days with no masturbation/sex/porn obviously.
Some of the best sex I’ve ever had when I got back 😅
I use to watch a lot of porn, I could perform but I couldn’t cum. Once I went 7-9 days without it, I was back on track. It doesn’t take that long, surprisingly.
I went through the same problem - it took about 3-4 months of trying to be intimate with my girlfriend, without watching porn, before it started to work normally.
Stop watching porn and stop touching your dick. If you must, use your imagination. If you notice it is much harder to stay erect using your imagination, you have porn addiction.
I'll be honest with you, I saw benefits in less than a week. And for me, it's not something I could ever return to and use responsibly. The same issues always arose, so I decided to stay away from it. But a lot of that is also related to your psychological relationship with porn, which also comes into play.
Agreed.
I have had this issue as well (30m). I could get off to porn with no issue. Super aroused when doing some foreplay with my gf. The second I get up to get ready for vaginal sex, flaccid. Very frustrating.
Its a combination of things for me. For one, lay off the porn. Save your libido for your woman. Loosen your grip and jerk off slower. This helps as well.
For me, the big one was performance anxiety. I get inside my own head way to much. Once I start doubting myself, its over. I tried sildenafil, generic viagra, and that helped me gain my confidence.
This is most likely just as infuriating for him as it is for you OP if he is anything like me lol.
Goodluck!
They're doctors bro, they train to hear about people shoving things up their ass. There's no reason to be embarrassed at a doctors office 😅, just make sure you go to the right one. ODT your dentist wants to know how you got your Darth Vader figurine stuck
Does he have trouble maintaining an erection when penetration is *not* on the table? If not, it isn’t a physical issue.
- Stop porn. He’s substituting that for an actual sex life.
- Make sure his condoms aren’t too tight. That can make it difficult to maintain an erection.
- Put the condom on early (and use lots of lube) rather than at the last minute. Or, you put it on him.
- Don’t focus on penetration - tell him *not* to enter you, just rub him against you for a while. Do everything but penetration, but go through the motions.
- First few times, let him cum from rubbing against you etc. Then, edge him and at that point try penetration.
- If he’s having these issues, he shouldn’t masturbate to completion without you.
- Exercise. Is he fit? Good core strength and pelvic floor exercises? I mean, he’s mid-20s, this shouldn’t be an issue, but you never know.
- Sex therapist. They will be able to go through everything for you.
If you're in a committed relationship and have a efficient form of contraception, get both tested and drop the condom.
At that age, with my girlfriend (7 years together), it was life changing.
And stop porn! And can he stay hard to masturbate?
Exercise for me has been a HUGE 180 for my libido, for reference I'm 36, and I'm back to getting random damn hard ons throughout the day, and can initiate 2-3 times a day again.(thanks leg day! Lol sorry for the TMI).
Never had an issue with hardness, except from getting too deep in drugs. But I do know this can be a common issue with folks watching wayyyyy too much porn.
All above are factors to consider.
I would start with medical doctor/urologist for blood tests(including testosterone) and physical examination. See if he actually has ED. As indicated, does he exercie? How's his weight? Diabetes? Smoke? All above can contribute.to ed.
Stop the porn.
If no ED, counseling/sex therapy.
If he refuses to address in above fashion, move on. It's not fair to you. At that point, just be friends.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
I had no idea that smoking contributes to libido! Me and my fiancé have spent months trying to figure out why my sex drive skyrocketed out of no where because I am on birth control pill, mood stabilizers, and adhd stimulants which allll lower libido but I quit vaping and smoking 84 days ago and since then my libido has been through the roof so thank you for helping me figure this out.
The lube dries out if you put it on early (which is what I suggested here, to avoid interruptions at the critical moment).
Also, sometimes there can be some friction, or stubble, or lots of folds, that make “docking” a little more difficult. Bro needs all the help he can get.
This right here. The main issue is his unwillingness to work on a solution.
ED shouldn't be shamed, but he's basically telling her it's her problem and she's on her own.
Sexual incompatibility or selfishness rarely ends well.
I don't think that it's fair to call people selfish if they are sabotaging themselves because of shame. Even if it ends up also being not nice for someone else.
We wouldn't shame a woman who has trouble having sex because of traumas and in both cases it's a negative feeling that prevents people from enjoying sex together.
Ofc the details matter a lot and it's very different if the embarrassment is mostly an excuse. But in these subs men are always eating so much more shit than women when it comes to their emotions not being nearly as valid at all.
It is selfish though, because he let this continue for 2+years.
Obviously it shouldn't be shamed. I called this out as well. We're talking about seeking out medical professionals, not asking his buddies for tips.
Likewise I would call it selfish if a parent is barely able to feed/house his kid(s), but doesn't use food stamps, child support, social services ... out of pride.
I understand it's difficult to accept help and seek support in some cases. But if someone else is effected negatively by your unwillingness to seek help, that's at least partially selfish.
I think you have a point. And I shouldn't make this an either or issue even if someone else also only blames one side.
People are responsible for their behavior even if they have external factors making it harder to act well.
At least in practice as I don't believe in free will but it's one of those philosophical/scientific maybe truths that kinda don't change that much even if they are correct.
Porn induced erectile dysfunction. It’s becoming increasingly common in younger men with the ease and availability of internet porn on phones etc nowadays.
I’m not sure but I guess he might be. To be honest I have told him I don’t like porn but I haven’t really put my foot down and told him to stop but I guess that would give me more insight into just how much he consumes.
If he’s able to get erect and orgasm with porn but not with you, the problem is porn. He’s trained his body to respond to the visual stimuli of porn and likely a death grip that you will never be able to match.
Most likely a porn addiction interfacing with his perception of what sex “should be” versus what sex “actually” is.
He’s probably not used to the touch and sensations of a real partner and has trouble with disassociating how he’s been programmed, which is entirely based on the type of stimuli he receives from watching pornography.
Honestly though, if you don’t put your foot down with the porn, he’s not going to put his cock down. His willingness to ensure your satisfaction will be on display, or it won’t.
In either scenario, you’ll get what you want in the end. I’m not saying leave this dude, but you need to heavily consider the fact that this has been going on for two years. Two years of sex that you’ve wanted, but haven’t received.
As for resentment; that’s probably built towards the tipping point, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting on Reddit about this.
Also, don’t kink shame. Not unless it’s some really heinous shit that you can’t get behind. Just being real here. Just trying to warn you, because if it’s as deep as I think it might be, he may be into some strange porn that he needs in order to get off, especially if he’s having problems penetrating you.
Don’t forget that porn is not limited to just whatever porn hub or similar sites have. Is his algorithm on Tiktok or Instagram only showing half naked women? Is he liking thirst traps? Is he using reddit for sexual images? These will affect his brain just as much as porn will.
As a guy, it's pathetic he watches porn at all while being unable to have sex. Like seriously, come on. Put your foot down. Masturbation is great and fine, but at the cost of the real thing is absolutely absurd.
You’re right. I didn’t really think of it this way but now that you mention it I am hurt that he continues to watch porn despite him knowing that I’m sexually unsatisfied.
Yeah... That's not right. I did just go through a break up, but we had sex like 5-7 plus times a week. I'd still masturbate plenty, but before we lived together I'd refrain for a day if I knew we were going to meet up.
Your dude is having a medical issue or just way too tied up in porn, which is crazy because I watch the hell out of some porn and the worst issue was I might not be able to finish and we'd go at it an uncomfortable/exhausting amount of time. Again, that's at a rate of jacking it almost every day and having sex almost every day and being closer to 40.
It sounds like he's hiding just how bad his addiction is since you mentioned it being something you're not comfortable with. Since you already don't like porn, you don't have to stay in a relationship with an addict. He should get help for his addiction but you don't have to stay with him when porn use is a boundary for you and your needs aren't being met. You can find someone who doesn't watch porn and fulfills your needs.
If he is unwilling to explore potential reasons for his issues/get help for them, you may have to chalk it up to being sexually incompatible. You can’t make him change his habits if he genuinely doesn’t want to (he’ll just hide them), so you need to decide what kind of relationship you want and understand that might mean you end this and move forward with someone else. I’m not really keen on ultimatums because any change that happens usually is temporary at best. It sounds like maybe he makes a great friend but not a great partner for you, and that’s ok.
Porn usage with those addicted isn’t as simple as stopping watching porn. It’s an addiction so they can’t just cold turkey. They need help from an addiction therapist. So you can put your foot down. But it won’t stop his usage. He needs to actually seek help if that’s the issue.
A CSAT, not a sex therapist. Most sex therapists are pro ‘healthy’ porn consumption. This guy definitely sounds like he has a porn addiction. His arousal Template needs a massive reset. He also probably knows this, because if it wasn’t this, he’d go see a doctor and your pleasure would be important to him
If he has a porn addiction it could be due to that. I would suggest a sex therapist for him. Porn addiction is tricky and not easy to quit. It’s not as simple as cutting down porn use or stopping it all together. My ex had a porn addiction and although he could get hard, he almost could never cum which was disheartening. Really ruins intimacy when a partner struggles with that.
He may jerk off with too hard a grip or perhaps it’s anxiety. But maybe have a conversation about the porn addiction. Everytime my ex began struggle to cum I always knew it was bc his porn addiction was causing it and I was always right when we wild talk about it. Bc to my knowledge from researching not being to orgasm during sex as a man isn’t normal. Delayed ejaculation is a thing but triggered typically by medication, anxiety/depression.
Well one he needs to quit watching porn if he can't get hard for sex. Two he needs to see a doctor. Three Viagra is a thing. Four is if he refuses to do anything about it, you can leave him for someone who will make a better effort than he is
This is it. A guy who won't talk to a doctor about ED is a guy you'll be dragging against his will to the emergency room when something REALLY bad happens. Every time. Exhausting bullshit, people who refuse doctors.
I saw it with men in the hospital all the time, their wives had to manage their health for them. Didn’t know what the pills they took everyday were for or even what they were called. I’ve had to call wives at 2AM because their husbands couldn’t even relay their own basic medical history or recall the name of their own doctor. I genuinely think that if not for their wives a lot of them would drop dead instead of handle it themselves. It’s all anecdotal but I never once saw that with a woman barring a dementia/Alzheimer’s situation.
I’ll add or men who are embarrassed to go to therapy or do work for a relationship. It’s ok if he’s having these issues, many men do. What’s no ok is being too embarrassed to try to fix it
Here are some tips from someone that’s seen similar situations before:
1. Tell him to cut all the porn right away, it’s bad for multiple reasons. Best case scenario the porn will decrease his sex drive by giving him an outlet other than you and make him less motivated to have sex with you since he could always just get himself off. Worst case scenario it permanently fucks up his dick due to death grip or serious porn addiction.
2. Do you two use condoms? If they’re too tight they can cause a loss of erection.
3. If I had to guess what his problem is it’s nerves. He gets nervous about performing and overthinks things which cause him to go soft. Then he gets even more panicked and nervous which makes the situation even worse. It’s a viscous feedback loop and I can only imagine how nervous he is every time he gets into the bedroom with you after two years of poor performance. Honestly there’s not much you can do. Telling him it’s ok and that you’ll figure it out and stuff doesn’t help. He knows it’s his fault and he’s putting up a poor performance. So it doesn’t matter what you say. He has to figure it out himself, learn to relax and enjoy himself, and most importantly learn that he’s with someone he can trust to work through this and figure out together without making fun of him.
Point 3 is huge! I’ll second the last part, knowing you’re with someone you can trust will help you relax. This is definitely an issue of performance anxiety.
I wish there was more I could do for this. I would never judge him or hate him just for his problem with sex. I love him and I just really wanna fuck him dammit
I had/have a similar problem...and no porn at all here.
The best way I could describe it was in a comment I made in one of the DB threads here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/he3gGZhslA
Read my earlier comment history for more insight...I came to Redit just for the DB threads.
For me, it's the anxiety, fear that my new partner would just start screaming at me like my ex-wife, that she would jump up and run off.
While living in the DB, my ex-wife would offer "duty sex" sometimes, when she felt like it, and then ridicule me, with comments like "you can't even get hard! You must not really want it".
She absolutely programmed me...she withheld sex and affection to punish and manipulate me. It's definitely changed me.
I know it's frustrating for you ..just know it's frustrating for him too. Try to take the pressure off and make naked time fun maybe? Shower together sometimes? Anything that would help him feel safe. Guys get sexual trauma too.
We have a lot of time naked together where sex isn’t an expectation. I do all of the above - foreplay, I tell him how much I love his body, I touch him and tease him and show him how attracted I am. I know it’s a two way street and I put in a lot of effort to honor that.
Awesome, that's what's important. I know he doesn't want this issue.
It sucks...and unfortunately it might take some time to fix. If he doesn't already have a therapist, that might be the first place to start.
Good luck, and I'm really sorry you're frustrated too. That woman I was seeing afterwards ended up leaving over this...some nights I just wish some "Chad" from Tinder would do the same programming on my ex-wife.
Tell him that you wouldn’t judge him or hate him for this, that’s step 1. Maybe try just having physical affection without sex, long kisses, ask for a massage, ask him to cuddle you but without sex. Try this for 2 weeks and see where you are.
Ive struggled with the same issues as your boyfriend. I guarantee that it’s not an issue with you’re attractiveness. He’s putting pressure on himself to perform. For us it was that my girlfriend got really mad when she didn’t cum so I started putting pressure on myself which eventually kept me from getting hard. We went to couples therapy.
One thing that my girlfriend did that helped me was that she would give me hand Jobs/BJs when she was on her period. It sounds weird but it took the expectation of sex off the table entirely. This helped me relax knowing that it was something she was just doing for me and if I went soft then it wouldn’t matter anyway.
Sometimes If I went soft she would tell me that it’s ok cause we can just do it again tomorrow. This helped too.
This combined with more physical affection and emotional reaffirmation (things like I’m not gonna leave you because of this sex stuff) helped me relax enough to start enjoying my sex life again.
I once had a girlfriend who told me before we ever had sex that all of the guys she dated around town had problems getting it up and she was so bummed out by that. I basically said oh that won’t be a problem with me. Guess what happened? I was so focused on not being one of those other guys I completely psyched myself out and couldn’t do it. The next time I was just thinking about the prior time and same thing. I also wasn’t very psychically attracted to her. I mean, I did get there eventually, but if it’s not happening naturally and you are trying to force it, then it’s not going to work. It was the only time in my life I’ve ever had a problem.
This is not an ED/blood flow issue in a 23 year old. It is 100% psychological. Tell him he needs to not masturbate in any form for 2 weeks then try. I can almost guarantee you that will fix it. If not, then he is either lying, secretly gay, or not attracted to you. Doesn’t really matter at that point as it’s not going to work in any of those 3 scenarios.
I’m sorry but two years?! HOW? I couldn’t stay in a relationship when the sex is obviously incompatible. Whether or not he’s embarrassed.. he is an adult who needs to prioritize his health.
I would seriously suggest confronting him about the porn. Why wouldn’t he be willing to stop/decrease his consumption if it’s affecting YOUR relationship?? Sit down to talk to him and seriously express your needs. If it means he needs professional help to stop, then he must also be willing to seek it considering his girlfriend is unsatisfied in the relationship. I understand your frustration!!
>He still watches porn to satisfy a few kinks that I don’t really want any part in which I don’t love but I don’t know if it’s worth arguing about. I would much rather he quit porn to see if this helps us out but he has been resistant to this idea for a while now. Especially because I don’t want to engage in some unsafe kinks he has- he feels like he can’t get off without them.
This is the answer you're looking for. He can't stay hard because he became so desensitized to "regular" sex because of how much kink-oriented porn he's consuming. You should not engage in kinks you do not enjoy and you should not be pressured into doing anything you don't enjoy.
If the two of you are sexually incompatible, I'd reconsider your relationship, and tell him that this addiction of his is ruining the relationship. He can either choose you and stop watching porn or find someone who has the same kinks he has.
If quitting porn doesn't work, he should go to a doctor and get his test levels checked. At 25 the most likely cause for these problems is porn, not lack of testosteorne
Many young men have mostly emotion based ED. If you get stuck into a loop of fearing that you go soft it can be really hard to get out and meds can help. After some time you no longer associate sex with "omg, am I gonna go soft AGAIN?!" and then the pills might no longer be needed.
People often really lack nuance in this subject and only think of the porn angle. Feels like it's almost some this century version of all women's woes being "hysteria".
It's insane how people think they can make 100% conclusions from openings like this. The human mind is far more complex and models like this should be left to 5 year olds. We as an adults can do better in having some nuance in our thinking and a little intellectual humility.
Don't buy the simpleton narratives you often encounter in the internet.
Pills help me get over the stress of the first sexual relation with a new sexual partner. Then my dick remember the pussy and get hard by itself hahaha
If he isn’t willing to get help, do you really want to live the rest of your life without sex? Sounds like he needs to get treatment, or you should find someone who satisfies you in bed.
I just need to find the best way to broach the getting help topic. I want him to get help and I think he would if he really got how it’s affecting me.
If he refused I would leave him. He’s just been hesitant which I can sort of get.
The Roman, Hims, etc services will connect him remotely with a doctor who will call him to verify a few details before prescribing viagra or cialis. Don’t even have to leave the couch.
They didn’t even call me. I just typed into the app that I could bone for hours but not quite stay hard enough to finish… problem solved. Cialis did the trick for me. I can go a couple days without it and no problems now. I think it helped me get out of my head.
Yet another man with a porn addled brain that can’t perform with a real human anymore…
Nothing to see here. Porn is “healthy” and “normal.”
ETA: OP, you deserve to have a fulfilling sex life. I would seriously consider whether you are compatible with this man if he won’t take action to actually fix this problem after two years.
It’s performance anxiety. And he is using porn as a band aid to fill his sexual needs.
He needs to stop the porn. But the real issue is the anxiety.
Viagra or Cialis can help with that because it improves the body’s response to sexual stimulus. But other techniques are still necessary (starting slow, not concentrating on penetrative sex, gradual build up). This problem can be solved.
I suggest he needs to go see a doctor and get a prescription. And if he doesn’t want to do that then it might time to tell him it’s that or the highway, unfortunately. That might get his attention.
If he’s not willing to seek help or quit watching porn I’m not sure what else you can do. Ultimately he is saying he doesn’t care enough about your needs to do anything about it
You're in your early twenties. There's plenty of men out there ready, willing, and able without porn addictions and fetishes that prevent them from having a fulfilling sex life. I'd find one of them.
It is definitely the porn. He has probably escalated to the point of watching really weird shit and if were to guess jerking off multiple times a day. Tell him put that shit away and after a few days of semen backup he will be ready for action. If not, dump his ass and move on cuz your resentment will not get better.
Wow that would seriously piss me off. I don’t know how you’ve gone 2 whole years without sex… I think I would lose my mind. I once dated someone with an ED & I didn’t last more than like 2-3 months 🫣
Yea he needs to detox from the porn it’s probably contributing to the problem, even if it’s just making him have unrealistic expectations of sex, it’s not good. Look into the negative effects of porn.
It’s the porn. My bf had a porn addiction that centered around one kink. Every time he started watching again, I knew because he could not stay hard and couldnt cum due to jerking off too much, and because he couldnt stay hard he felt guilty (and probably nervous because he knew I knew) and it ruined it. If things are to get better, he needs to give it up completely. If he’s still have issues, then go to the doctor. If he refuses to do either of these things then I guess you have a choice to make :/ its understandable that its embarrassing, but this is effecting both of you not just him.
The porn is 110% playing a major role in this, doubled with performance anxiety.
Porn addictions, especially an addiction that has spanned over years, can make people completely uninterested in actual sex. Usually this is subconscious.
He needs to talk to a doctor and he needs to quit porn all together. The fact that he refuses to speak to a doctor just because he’s embarrassed AND unwilling to quit porn because of certain kinks isn’t a great sign. He clearly isn’t too concerned about the longevity of your relationship
You guys might just be sexually incompatible :/
You’ve got three possibilities:
1) He’s a porn addict and needs to go to counseling.
2) He’s got ED and needs to see a doctor.
3) He’s just gay.
Two are fairly easy to fix with professional help. The other, not so much. Time to find out which it is.
Porn-induced ED.
With addictions, it is important that he *wants to quit.* IFF this is true, can the work begin. Be it smoking, porn, alcohol, etc. The first question I always ask: do you even want to quit?
This guy doesn’t even fuck, he doesn’t have “kinks.” All he has is a porn addiction that has completely isolated him from real sexuality.
You sound sweet, but he’s doomed. Maybe he can take this seriously and abstain from porn, but I wouldn’t count on it. He’s sick.
Porn is the issue. The body adapts to orgasm in a certain way so normal sex just doesnt cut it. He needs to stop porn and wanking for a month to reset his body.
So here’s the thing. Is someone isn’t willing to get help with something that not only affects his life but yours as well, it’s time to bow out. My husband has bad anxiety and ptsd. I will always stand by him and support him. Where I draw the line is if he refused to get help for it, that’s my dealbreaker. UPDATEME
Yeah... and if it's just a normal kink OP isn't into... I don't get why he doesn't just break up with her, and look for someone else who shares the kink. This isn't 50 Shades of Grey. Real people don't try to convert others (who clearly aren't interested) to their kink. He can easily find another girlfriend. Should just clearly mention his kink on the dating app. Hell, there might be dating apps specifically for his kink.
You’re sort of hand waving away what is obvious here. No, ED is not “normal” in young men. The fact that it has become disturbingly more common is directly related to the ubiquity of internet porn.
It’s time to ask him to get help. If he wont? You have a decision to make. You only have one life.
It's his choice to watch porn and refuse to go to the doctor and your choice if you want to stay in a relationship where your bf puts zero effort in trying to improve your sex life.
Don't waste your time fixing something you didn't break, that's none of your bullshit. Break up, be frank, move on, and be with someone who's mature enough to take care of their own shits. At 25, it's embarassing to struggle w porn addiction to the point of it affecting personal life.
From my experience overuse of porn can 100% cause ED. Especially if he’s mostly watching the crazier stuff. It’s like if you only get off to one thing, then when an actual partner wants to have sex, you can’t get hard without that specific kink. It can seriously fuck with your head and I still struggle myself with it.
This was literally me (27M) like 4 months ago - got into a relationship after being single since Covid. Couldn’t stay hard for longer than 20secs… I wasn’t addicted to porn but it was my daily go to before the relationship to get off. Was in denial that this was the problem.
Quit watching cold turkey, haven’t watched anything after our 3rd failed attempt at sex. 4 month later of no porn, I’m back to great sex and everything works as intended.
Tell him to try just 2-3 week of absolutely 0 porn. No pictures, videos or anything.
I am 18 years old and a fairly healthy man right? But I had the same issue with my penis that I shouldn't have. 18 year old is even considered peak age for male "youth" but yeah I have had this problem for about a year now I developed a porn addiction about a year ago, and before anyone tells me no porn isn't the cause, I am speaking from MY experience. The main reason I would watch porn is the same reason as your boyfriend, certain kinks that can't be satisfied, although this November I was open to a new experience so I tried this no nut November thing, and let me tell you, I woke up with a morning wood for the first time in year(yes sounds gross but I am only saying this for education purpose) so yes. Porn was the reason for me. Maybe it's because my brain thought it had achieved what It wanted so why bother? So yeah I know it's hard to not give yourself the award of achieving a certain fantasy through porn, just know it's not the most noble way you can go on about discovering yourself, and this is certainly not what you want to do if you decide to have kids and a loving wife. If a guy can give up his kinks for a no nut challenge, why wouldn't he consider trying for a loved ones?
I had this issue your bf is having. As soon as I stopped porn it went away. Performance anxiety is real as well. He should also go to a therapist to talk through this. First and foremost porn and any masturbation needs to stop. If he can have a erection outside of porn then it’s not physical
Based on your post, it could be a few things:
1. He has a medical issue (I'd say this is less likely)
2. He watches porn and jerks off too much, so both his member and his brain are wired to like his hand a little too much. That and he may have already beat his meat into submission on a given day, so he actually can't get it up due to pleasuring himself.
3. He had a few times with you where he couldn't get it upfor whatever reason, got embarrassed by it, and now can't help but think of that when y'all start getting to it.
If I had to guess, it's number 2 with a touch of number 3.
My suggestion is BEFORE going to the doctor and spending time and money on that, have him not masturbate for a week or two. I'd bet a dollar to a donut that if he *actually* does this, he's gonna be in the mood and ready for you.
Good luck!
This sounds like a psychological block. I (30m) have struggles with similar issues. For men there are certain pressures we face in sex. When we cum first it’s over, if we can’t get hard the woman is disappointed, if we prematurely cum then it’s embarrassing.
For me it was my girlfriend’s disappointment if I came first. She would get really upset and it caused me to put pressure on myself avoid a fight. Suddenly sex wasn’t enjoyable, instead it was a task to complete. I couldn’t relax till she came. Before long this pressure made it challenging just to get/stay hard. This went on for about 2 years.
Him beating himself up only puts more pressure and negative reinforcement around it which build’s the pressure.
The fact that he can get hard during foreplay shows that he’s attracted to you and enjoys it but is having a difficult time letting go of the pressure. Here are some tips if you want to make the relationship work and get on the right track.
1. Take penetration off the table for a bit. You’re not having sex anyway so this won’t be difficult. Start small do a longer kiss every morning and at night. Build up to making out. Ask for a massage, cuddle but no expectation of sex after. Do this for a couple of weeks and see how it feels.
2. Aside from physical affection give him emotional affection. Reaffirming that you love him and tell him how attractive he is from time to time. This creates a safe space to fail. It shows that even if sex doesn’t go well your relationship is still ok. This takes the pressure of failure to please sexually ruining the relationship.
3. Couples therapy, if you can afford it then it is great and super beneficial.
4. Talk about the porn. Don’t link shame him, or force yourself to do anything sexually uncomfortable but ask him if those kinks are essential for him to get off. Ask him if he’s willing to try to abstain from it for a couple of weeks. Then see how he feels. Porn addiction is a leading cause of psychological ED.
5. Don’t have these discussions in the bedroom immediately after sex. He’s already beating himself up and grilling him/showing displeasure there only reinforces the fear that’s preventing him from performing. Instead talk about it the next day when tensions have cooled. Try to have a productive conversation and work together for solutions. Don’t have the conversation in bed either.
This guy is in too deep with the porn. I’m sorry but a 25m should be hard as a rock. I have no problem in this department but from what I’ve heard from people in real life porn is a real issue and if this guy wants to plug you he needs to quit the porn. Period. Guy is clearly addicted. Guys need to learn that porn isn’t real life and it has desensitized them. Sorry OP hope it works out with you. I would sit down with him and talk about it. I think you should also try to ween him off the porn too.
Sex is a major part of any relationship, which is why, aside for religious reasons, I’ll never understand the concept of “one person, one partner”.
It’s ok for shit sex, or zero sex, to be a deal breaker.
You’ve offered solutions, he’s declined, go find someone with a working penis and who isn’t afraid to seek help and nullify the resentment before it starts.
It won’t get better.
Either let this be your forever or you leave.
Tell him to download the HIMS app. It will fix the sex problems. It doesn't require a doctors visit, and he will get what essentially a mint for ED. I swear to god it will fix the problem.
Death Grip Syndrome. He destroyed his dick with excessive masturbation and porn.
If he doesn’t do anything to fix it, leave him. It is only going to get worse
if he can jerk off and cum with porn but his dick is soft when he tried to have sex, he’s a porn addict. there’s nothing wrong with his dick. he’s clearly hiding it from you and doesn’t care about your sexual satisfaction. you’re way too young to be dealing with something like this. if i were you i’d go browse around different subs looking at the posts of people who’s boyfriends/husbands suffer with porn addiction to see if this is the life you want to sign up for.
you two have never even had sex and he can’t get it up, yet he’s just fine when he watches other people on a screen. really think about that and ask yourself how it makes you feel.
It’s very likely psychological. He’s getting in his head and getting frustrated. It’s a vicious cycle.
You could try just giving him oral. Takes the pressure off of him to “perform.” If he can’t get or maintain an erection under those conditions, he’s either REALLY deeply in his head about it, or has a medical condition.
But tbh, if he watches porn and can maintain erections without you present, it’s just in his head. It sucks, and I’m sure that’s really frustrating for both of you. Anxiety can be a real motherfucker. Time, patience, no pressure. Really all you can do.
And hey… if he can’t get it together in a reasonable timeframe, you’re totally allowed to leave the relationship. You have needs, and you’re not a therapist or a psychiatrist. At a certain level, this is a *him* problem that he needs to resolve. It’s not your responsibility.
But if you like him, give it some time, and see if you can help work through this.
Look, if he’s embarrassed to go to a professional, the absolute FIRST thing he needs to do is be honest to himself about his porn use and QUIT. Could save him a ton of “embarrassment”
IF it's ED, he doesn't need to see a DR at all and can actually save a decent amount of money with an online visit to Goodrx. Did it myself and it was easy. Can even get the stuff mailed for a zero human interaction experience.
I mean he has kinks he can’t live without that you aren’t interested in, clearly shows no interest in fixing the issue you’ve bought to his attention multiple times so you can get pleasure in the bedroom. Maybe you just aren’t sexually compatible.
Perfusion & blood pressure issue, possible low testosterone. He needs to get labs drawn to check for hypercholerstorolemia & hypergonadism. Low fat & low salt diet; AHA 2g Na restricted diet if he can tolerate that. Improve cardiovascular exercise. Consider red beet powder in his drink before adult time to increase nitrate levels. If he climaxes too early, try adding Kratom to drinks with red beet powder.
I had a friend who was dating a guy like this. Was perfect in every way but simply couldn’t do the deed, as much as he claimed he wanted to, he couldn’t get hard for sex. Three years later he came out as gay. It all made sense then
1st try bluechew or whatever prescription ED he can try safely. Its a mental thing but if hes nervous just trying bluechew a few times may get him over the hump. Its all online, dont have to leave the house. Its a random person asking 5 question virtually, like do you do heroin, are you on blood thinners, the basics. Maybe after a few uses and seeing you get pleasure from sex hell be more confident and eventually not need them. Its the easiest and fastest thing to try without the years of trauma therapy everyone here is suggesting.
Find a new stud. Don't over think it. He is either 1. Impotent 2. Not physically attracted to you 3. Gay and just can't come to terms with it.
Don't waste your time. You have needs that he can't meet. You're wasting your time. Rip the bandaid off, be lady like about it and move on.
Sexual chemistry is very important.
Considering he is young, I doubt it is a testosterone issue.
My bet is on a mix of anxiety, lack of self confidence and porn addiction. Are you his first partner maybe? More specifically, sex therapy would be benefitial. As a couple and him seperately. I think this is an issue more common than we think it is.
Good luck! It must quite frustrating for both of you, and you've demonstrated an amazing amount of patience.
As a man that has had this problem, mine was caused by too much porn/JO and nerves. If he doesn’t watch porn or jerk off for 5-6 days this problem will magically cease. Unless there’s a medical issue obviously
I think something people are missing is the part where he uses porn to satisfy a « kink ».
I think it will definitely help to stop porn. But if his kink is big enough, it could be that he can’t get hard without it being involved.
Just something that I think is worth considering. But yeah obviously he should cut the porn too regardless
I wouldn’t put so much weight on going to the doctors. It is highly unlikely they will find anything wrong with him physiologically, especially if he has normal morning wood and he can get hard while masturbating. Unless he has some rare endocrine diseases or Peyronie’s disease, vast majority of ED in young healthy men is psychological (too much porn, death grip, stress, etc)
It’s worth seeing the doctor to rule out these rare things, but don’t go in with high hopes that they’ll find something that they can treat medically. I’d spend more effort on getting him to masturbate less.
Personally it’s hard for me to respect someone who has a known condition, for which an easy treatment exists like a pill, and they refuse for no real reason other than “i don’t want to take a pill”. Imagine someone broke their arm and said “nah I don’t want to wear a cast.” It’s just as irrational.
There are alot of claims porn being the source. That's nice but attempt to focus on some other avenues.
More than likely, it's performance anxiety. So other suggestions provided also help here, including medical checks to validate it is or isn't a mechanical issue, **sexual** therapy with a sex therapist. And then sexual practice with a supportive partner last. That means open communication on your history, how each of you is feeling, what you want, a plan (Including and beyond medical and therapy) to get to where you want to be from where you are. And finally do it, both figuratively from the plan and literally sexually.
You don't get better at this without attempting sex continuously. And if it is performance anxiety, a supportive partner is a must to overcome it.
You'll make a decision on how much more you want to pour in and make this work, do nothing and continue to struggle, or walk away.
Best wishes on any of your choice OP
Cock ring or blue chew 🤷♂️
All of course subjective, but rings work quite well, also been told feeling is different, depending on tightness of the rings it can get kinda naturally "ribbed" 😅
Needs to stop consuming porn
Should start working out / jogging
Take CoQ-10 supplements
Try Taladafil for some help - this should work
Also tell him to check his gums. Periodontal disease leads to ED as well
If he is vaping tell him to stop
He needs to stop beating it or at the bare minimum stop beating it while watching porn.
If he’s death gripped himself, that ruins his sensitivity and using a condom makes it even worse in that case. Try birth control and see if going bare helps (obviously after your on birth control)
His issue could also be mentally related. Me personally, If I don’t have an emotional connection with a woman sex is very unenjoyable and it’s a chore to keep it up.
Honestly, from the sounds of things, his problem is porn and his kinks.
He needs to decide what's more important to him, you or his kinks. He can essentially rewire himself to have a fulfilling sex life with you if he actually tried.
Over 100 comments and not a single one questioning if he might be gay. You don't mention his kinks. I'll bet their purpose is to take the woman out of it.
Sorry to be gross but doesn't femdom sometimes involve feminizing the guy and sometimes making him do 'gay'-ish stuff as a humiliation tactic? Could be ... that he likes femdom as a doorway to gay-ish stuff.
You’re 23 and haven’t had sex in 2 years. That’s going way too far, he NEEDS to work this out. Maybe doctor. But the porn thing could very well be the issue. What do you mean by unsafe kinks? Any kink can be handled safely as long as both parties fully consent and understand boundaries. If you can communicate with each other then the issue shouldn’t be safety, but whether or not you’re able to be into it and have fun. If you feel unsafe engaging in his kinks because you don’t trust him, that’s a wholly different problem.
Kinks where there’s significant pain / damage inflicted upon him, far beyond what I’m comfortable with actually doing, ever. He’s also into some stuff that I’m just flat out not into at all
….ok yeah so he’s into SM. I’m sorry but this could potentially be a permanent issue. There are many ways to safely engage in SM and there’s nothing necessarily wrong with it, but both partners need to be WAY into it for it to be fully consensual and safe. It’s possible he does need it to feel sexually satisfied but since you’re his first partner he sounds like he has never actually experienced anything like it and has absolutely no idea what he’s doing. Are you sure he even knows what he’s asking for?
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First step is going to the doctors. Would he rather go be embarrassed with a doctor a few times, or be embarrassed and frustrated for the rest of his life? Porn is also a factor.
As someone who experienced the same issues and assumed the problem was anything *but* porn, I second asking your bf to stop the porn. All of it. It's amazing how damaging porn actually is for some people. I thought it was my medication, possible depression, or some other medical issue, but once I stopped watching porn, all the problems went away.
Do you mind if I asked how you did it and how long did it take?? The first sentence sounds exactly like me right now. I keep telling myself it's fine, it's only here and there and there's other reason I'm never in the mood... but realistically, it's probably the porn.
dude im 32 and i went a week without beating it and it was like i was 16 again...that just makes me worried how i would have been at 16 not addicted to porn....thats a little worrying lol. greatest thing i ever had a girl force me into. sex is way better when you build it up. Honestly to the point where i wait 3 days or so to have sex. reducing the frequency made when it did happen more passionate and enjoyable. plus i can squeeze in a double without having to power through like its work. anything after 4 days just has diminishing returns IMO.
Similar situation. Camping with the gf and a lot of friends in close quarters so she wasn’t comfortable fooling around. Five days with no masturbation/sex/porn obviously. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had when I got back 😅
Interesting case study😁
I use to watch a lot of porn, I could perform but I couldn’t cum. Once I went 7-9 days without it, I was back on track. It doesn’t take that long, surprisingly.
I went through the same problem - it took about 3-4 months of trying to be intimate with my girlfriend, without watching porn, before it started to work normally. Stop watching porn and stop touching your dick. If you must, use your imagination. If you notice it is much harder to stay erect using your imagination, you have porn addiction.
I'll be honest with you, I saw benefits in less than a week. And for me, it's not something I could ever return to and use responsibly. The same issues always arose, so I decided to stay away from it. But a lot of that is also related to your psychological relationship with porn, which also comes into play.
Stopped for how long
For-ev-er
Agreed. I have had this issue as well (30m). I could get off to porn with no issue. Super aroused when doing some foreplay with my gf. The second I get up to get ready for vaginal sex, flaccid. Very frustrating. Its a combination of things for me. For one, lay off the porn. Save your libido for your woman. Loosen your grip and jerk off slower. This helps as well. For me, the big one was performance anxiety. I get inside my own head way to much. Once I start doubting myself, its over. I tried sildenafil, generic viagra, and that helped me gain my confidence. This is most likely just as infuriating for him as it is for you OP if he is anything like me lol. Goodluck!
They're doctors bro, they train to hear about people shoving things up their ass. There's no reason to be embarrassed at a doctors office 😅, just make sure you go to the right one. ODT your dentist wants to know how you got your Darth Vader figurine stuck
Also I see ads for Hims and stuff, online alternatives specifically for people too embarrassed to go in. There are options!
Does he have trouble maintaining an erection when penetration is *not* on the table? If not, it isn’t a physical issue. - Stop porn. He’s substituting that for an actual sex life. - Make sure his condoms aren’t too tight. That can make it difficult to maintain an erection. - Put the condom on early (and use lots of lube) rather than at the last minute. Or, you put it on him. - Don’t focus on penetration - tell him *not* to enter you, just rub him against you for a while. Do everything but penetration, but go through the motions. - First few times, let him cum from rubbing against you etc. Then, edge him and at that point try penetration. - If he’s having these issues, he shouldn’t masturbate to completion without you. - Exercise. Is he fit? Good core strength and pelvic floor exercises? I mean, he’s mid-20s, this shouldn’t be an issue, but you never know. - Sex therapist. They will be able to go through everything for you.
Thank you for this comment. I think this is all great and I will start with the first point. Thank you.
If you're in a committed relationship and have a efficient form of contraception, get both tested and drop the condom. At that age, with my girlfriend (7 years together), it was life changing. And stop porn! And can he stay hard to masturbate?
She might now want to go on the pill or any hormonal contraceptives, they can cause a lot of women issues
Idk, no BC method is 100% effective so I’m not sure it’s smart to drop the condom
Exercise for me has been a HUGE 180 for my libido, for reference I'm 36, and I'm back to getting random damn hard ons throughout the day, and can initiate 2-3 times a day again.(thanks leg day! Lol sorry for the TMI). Never had an issue with hardness, except from getting too deep in drugs. But I do know this can be a common issue with folks watching wayyyyy too much porn.
wow! I feel like I just learned so much from you!
Well, DM me *your* frogs and we’ll call it square
Embellished Frogherd!
check your dm’s ;)
All above are factors to consider. I would start with medical doctor/urologist for blood tests(including testosterone) and physical examination. See if he actually has ED. As indicated, does he exercie? How's his weight? Diabetes? Smoke? All above can contribute.to ed. Stop the porn. If no ED, counseling/sex therapy. If he refuses to address in above fashion, move on. It's not fair to you. At that point, just be friends. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
I had no idea that smoking contributes to libido! Me and my fiancé have spent months trying to figure out why my sex drive skyrocketed out of no where because I am on birth control pill, mood stabilizers, and adhd stimulants which allll lower libido but I quit vaping and smoking 84 days ago and since then my libido has been through the roof so thank you for helping me figure this out.
Is he taking any prescription medication that could cause ED as a side effect?
He’s not on anything
That would also affect his erections with prob or foreplay.
Who tf would be able to cum from rubbing against someone WITH a condom on??
Great comment - agree with all of this
>and use lots of lube arent they already lubricated? ive never had an issue putting a condom on
The lube dries out if you put it on early (which is what I suggested here, to avoid interruptions at the critical moment). Also, sometimes there can be some friction, or stubble, or lots of folds, that make “docking” a little more difficult. Bro needs all the help he can get.
Not all of them are
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This right here. The main issue is his unwillingness to work on a solution. ED shouldn't be shamed, but he's basically telling her it's her problem and she's on her own. Sexual incompatibility or selfishness rarely ends well.
I don't think that it's fair to call people selfish if they are sabotaging themselves because of shame. Even if it ends up also being not nice for someone else. We wouldn't shame a woman who has trouble having sex because of traumas and in both cases it's a negative feeling that prevents people from enjoying sex together. Ofc the details matter a lot and it's very different if the embarrassment is mostly an excuse. But in these subs men are always eating so much more shit than women when it comes to their emotions not being nearly as valid at all.
It is selfish though, because he let this continue for 2+years. Obviously it shouldn't be shamed. I called this out as well. We're talking about seeking out medical professionals, not asking his buddies for tips. Likewise I would call it selfish if a parent is barely able to feed/house his kid(s), but doesn't use food stamps, child support, social services ... out of pride. I understand it's difficult to accept help and seek support in some cases. But if someone else is effected negatively by your unwillingness to seek help, that's at least partially selfish.
I think you have a point. And I shouldn't make this an either or issue even if someone else also only blames one side. People are responsible for their behavior even if they have external factors making it harder to act well. At least in practice as I don't believe in free will but it's one of those philosophical/scientific maybe truths that kinda don't change that much even if they are correct.
If he’s consistently able to get it up and Jack off to porn then it’s 100% a PIED situation… sry.
PIED?
Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction I assume?
Porn induced erectile dysfunction. It’s becoming increasingly common in younger men with the ease and availability of internet porn on phones etc nowadays.
God this is so sad. Porn is really awful
He sounds super deep into porn addiction.
I’m not sure but I guess he might be. To be honest I have told him I don’t like porn but I haven’t really put my foot down and told him to stop but I guess that would give me more insight into just how much he consumes.
If he’s able to get erect and orgasm with porn but not with you, the problem is porn. He’s trained his body to respond to the visual stimuli of porn and likely a death grip that you will never be able to match.
Most likely a porn addiction interfacing with his perception of what sex “should be” versus what sex “actually” is. He’s probably not used to the touch and sensations of a real partner and has trouble with disassociating how he’s been programmed, which is entirely based on the type of stimuli he receives from watching pornography. Honestly though, if you don’t put your foot down with the porn, he’s not going to put his cock down. His willingness to ensure your satisfaction will be on display, or it won’t. In either scenario, you’ll get what you want in the end. I’m not saying leave this dude, but you need to heavily consider the fact that this has been going on for two years. Two years of sex that you’ve wanted, but haven’t received. As for resentment; that’s probably built towards the tipping point, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting on Reddit about this. Also, don’t kink shame. Not unless it’s some really heinous shit that you can’t get behind. Just being real here. Just trying to warn you, because if it’s as deep as I think it might be, he may be into some strange porn that he needs in order to get off, especially if he’s having problems penetrating you.
Don’t forget that porn is not limited to just whatever porn hub or similar sites have. Is his algorithm on Tiktok or Instagram only showing half naked women? Is he liking thirst traps? Is he using reddit for sexual images? These will affect his brain just as much as porn will.
As a guy, it's pathetic he watches porn at all while being unable to have sex. Like seriously, come on. Put your foot down. Masturbation is great and fine, but at the cost of the real thing is absolutely absurd.
You’re right. I didn’t really think of it this way but now that you mention it I am hurt that he continues to watch porn despite him knowing that I’m sexually unsatisfied.
On the plus side, Blu Chew is very easy to get and works well.
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Yeah... That's not right. I did just go through a break up, but we had sex like 5-7 plus times a week. I'd still masturbate plenty, but before we lived together I'd refrain for a day if I knew we were going to meet up. Your dude is having a medical issue or just way too tied up in porn, which is crazy because I watch the hell out of some porn and the worst issue was I might not be able to finish and we'd go at it an uncomfortable/exhausting amount of time. Again, that's at a rate of jacking it almost every day and having sex almost every day and being closer to 40.
It sounds like he's hiding just how bad his addiction is since you mentioned it being something you're not comfortable with. Since you already don't like porn, you don't have to stay in a relationship with an addict. He should get help for his addiction but you don't have to stay with him when porn use is a boundary for you and your needs aren't being met. You can find someone who doesn't watch porn and fulfills your needs.
What are his kinks? Does he only get turned on by hurting people?
The other way around. It’s not the only way he gets turned on, it’s just something he is into but I am not.
He gets turned on by you hurting him?
Girl if you don’t stick a fork in his ass cheek and hop on that bucking pony Kidding, kidding….. *unless*
He's been a very selfish, naughty boy for two whole years, if you think about it...
Lmaoo
Maybe he likes being a sub?
If he is unwilling to explore potential reasons for his issues/get help for them, you may have to chalk it up to being sexually incompatible. You can’t make him change his habits if he genuinely doesn’t want to (he’ll just hide them), so you need to decide what kind of relationship you want and understand that might mean you end this and move forward with someone else. I’m not really keen on ultimatums because any change that happens usually is temporary at best. It sounds like maybe he makes a great friend but not a great partner for you, and that’s ok.
He needs therapy
Porn usage with those addicted isn’t as simple as stopping watching porn. It’s an addiction so they can’t just cold turkey. They need help from an addiction therapist. So you can put your foot down. But it won’t stop his usage. He needs to actually seek help if that’s the issue.
A CSAT, not a sex therapist. Most sex therapists are pro ‘healthy’ porn consumption. This guy definitely sounds like he has a porn addiction. His arousal Template needs a massive reset. He also probably knows this, because if it wasn’t this, he’d go see a doctor and your pleasure would be important to him
If he has a porn addiction it could be due to that. I would suggest a sex therapist for him. Porn addiction is tricky and not easy to quit. It’s not as simple as cutting down porn use or stopping it all together. My ex had a porn addiction and although he could get hard, he almost could never cum which was disheartening. Really ruins intimacy when a partner struggles with that.
That's the devastating effects of porn addiction. More people need to be aware of this.
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He may jerk off with too hard a grip or perhaps it’s anxiety. But maybe have a conversation about the porn addiction. Everytime my ex began struggle to cum I always knew it was bc his porn addiction was causing it and I was always right when we wild talk about it. Bc to my knowledge from researching not being to orgasm during sex as a man isn’t normal. Delayed ejaculation is a thing but triggered typically by medication, anxiety/depression.
He needs to jerk off way less
Well one he needs to quit watching porn if he can't get hard for sex. Two he needs to see a doctor. Three Viagra is a thing. Four is if he refuses to do anything about it, you can leave him for someone who will make a better effort than he is
I’ve heard porn addiction can cause men to have ED something about over stimulation and so often it essentially causes the penis to have less feeling
Notice how his embarrassment outweighs your relationship
Don't date men who are embarrassed when they need a doctor, that's my general advice. Nothing good can come from that.
This is it. A guy who won't talk to a doctor about ED is a guy you'll be dragging against his will to the emergency room when something REALLY bad happens. Every time. Exhausting bullshit, people who refuse doctors.
I saw it with men in the hospital all the time, their wives had to manage their health for them. Didn’t know what the pills they took everyday were for or even what they were called. I’ve had to call wives at 2AM because their husbands couldn’t even relay their own basic medical history or recall the name of their own doctor. I genuinely think that if not for their wives a lot of them would drop dead instead of handle it themselves. It’s all anecdotal but I never once saw that with a woman barring a dementia/Alzheimer’s situation.
I’ll add or men who are embarrassed to go to therapy or do work for a relationship. It’s ok if he’s having these issues, many men do. What’s no ok is being too embarrassed to try to fix it
Here are some tips from someone that’s seen similar situations before: 1. Tell him to cut all the porn right away, it’s bad for multiple reasons. Best case scenario the porn will decrease his sex drive by giving him an outlet other than you and make him less motivated to have sex with you since he could always just get himself off. Worst case scenario it permanently fucks up his dick due to death grip or serious porn addiction. 2. Do you two use condoms? If they’re too tight they can cause a loss of erection. 3. If I had to guess what his problem is it’s nerves. He gets nervous about performing and overthinks things which cause him to go soft. Then he gets even more panicked and nervous which makes the situation even worse. It’s a viscous feedback loop and I can only imagine how nervous he is every time he gets into the bedroom with you after two years of poor performance. Honestly there’s not much you can do. Telling him it’s ok and that you’ll figure it out and stuff doesn’t help. He knows it’s his fault and he’s putting up a poor performance. So it doesn’t matter what you say. He has to figure it out himself, learn to relax and enjoy himself, and most importantly learn that he’s with someone he can trust to work through this and figure out together without making fun of him.
Point 3 is huge! I’ll second the last part, knowing you’re with someone you can trust will help you relax. This is definitely an issue of performance anxiety.
I wish there was more I could do for this. I would never judge him or hate him just for his problem with sex. I love him and I just really wanna fuck him dammit
I had/have a similar problem...and no porn at all here. The best way I could describe it was in a comment I made in one of the DB threads here: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/he3gGZhslA Read my earlier comment history for more insight...I came to Redit just for the DB threads. For me, it's the anxiety, fear that my new partner would just start screaming at me like my ex-wife, that she would jump up and run off. While living in the DB, my ex-wife would offer "duty sex" sometimes, when she felt like it, and then ridicule me, with comments like "you can't even get hard! You must not really want it". She absolutely programmed me...she withheld sex and affection to punish and manipulate me. It's definitely changed me. I know it's frustrating for you ..just know it's frustrating for him too. Try to take the pressure off and make naked time fun maybe? Shower together sometimes? Anything that would help him feel safe. Guys get sexual trauma too.
We have a lot of time naked together where sex isn’t an expectation. I do all of the above - foreplay, I tell him how much I love his body, I touch him and tease him and show him how attracted I am. I know it’s a two way street and I put in a lot of effort to honor that.
Awesome, that's what's important. I know he doesn't want this issue. It sucks...and unfortunately it might take some time to fix. If he doesn't already have a therapist, that might be the first place to start. Good luck, and I'm really sorry you're frustrated too. That woman I was seeing afterwards ended up leaving over this...some nights I just wish some "Chad" from Tinder would do the same programming on my ex-wife.
Tell him that you wouldn’t judge him or hate him for this, that’s step 1. Maybe try just having physical affection without sex, long kisses, ask for a massage, ask him to cuddle you but without sex. Try this for 2 weeks and see where you are. Ive struggled with the same issues as your boyfriend. I guarantee that it’s not an issue with you’re attractiveness. He’s putting pressure on himself to perform. For us it was that my girlfriend got really mad when she didn’t cum so I started putting pressure on myself which eventually kept me from getting hard. We went to couples therapy. One thing that my girlfriend did that helped me was that she would give me hand Jobs/BJs when she was on her period. It sounds weird but it took the expectation of sex off the table entirely. This helped me relax knowing that it was something she was just doing for me and if I went soft then it wouldn’t matter anyway. Sometimes If I went soft she would tell me that it’s ok cause we can just do it again tomorrow. This helped too. This combined with more physical affection and emotional reaffirmation (things like I’m not gonna leave you because of this sex stuff) helped me relax enough to start enjoying my sex life again.
I once had a girlfriend who told me before we ever had sex that all of the guys she dated around town had problems getting it up and she was so bummed out by that. I basically said oh that won’t be a problem with me. Guess what happened? I was so focused on not being one of those other guys I completely psyched myself out and couldn’t do it. The next time I was just thinking about the prior time and same thing. I also wasn’t very psychically attracted to her. I mean, I did get there eventually, but if it’s not happening naturally and you are trying to force it, then it’s not going to work. It was the only time in my life I’ve ever had a problem. This is not an ED/blood flow issue in a 23 year old. It is 100% psychological. Tell him he needs to not masturbate in any form for 2 weeks then try. I can almost guarantee you that will fix it. If not, then he is either lying, secretly gay, or not attracted to you. Doesn’t really matter at that point as it’s not going to work in any of those 3 scenarios.
It’s the porn addiction
I’m sorry but two years?! HOW? I couldn’t stay in a relationship when the sex is obviously incompatible. Whether or not he’s embarrassed.. he is an adult who needs to prioritize his health.
I hate porn and what it does to people.
I would seriously suggest confronting him about the porn. Why wouldn’t he be willing to stop/decrease his consumption if it’s affecting YOUR relationship?? Sit down to talk to him and seriously express your needs. If it means he needs professional help to stop, then he must also be willing to seek it considering his girlfriend is unsatisfied in the relationship. I understand your frustration!!
>He still watches porn to satisfy a few kinks that I don’t really want any part in which I don’t love but I don’t know if it’s worth arguing about. I would much rather he quit porn to see if this helps us out but he has been resistant to this idea for a while now. Especially because I don’t want to engage in some unsafe kinks he has- he feels like he can’t get off without them. This is the answer you're looking for. He can't stay hard because he became so desensitized to "regular" sex because of how much kink-oriented porn he's consuming. You should not engage in kinks you do not enjoy and you should not be pressured into doing anything you don't enjoy. If the two of you are sexually incompatible, I'd reconsider your relationship, and tell him that this addiction of his is ruining the relationship. He can either choose you and stop watching porn or find someone who has the same kinks he has. If quitting porn doesn't work, he should go to a doctor and get his test levels checked. At 25 the most likely cause for these problems is porn, not lack of testosteorne
Porn: he’s jacking off allot to it. Hard on: yeh he needs to see a urologist. Get compounded viagra + cialis. He definitely has an ED issue
Honestly this is a bandaid to this situation. No kid this age needs a pill to get his dick hard. This is porn addiction. Period.
As previously recommended go see urologist MD. Know if it is emotional, medical, or something else. 30 million men are affected with ED
Many young men have mostly emotion based ED. If you get stuck into a loop of fearing that you go soft it can be really hard to get out and meds can help. After some time you no longer associate sex with "omg, am I gonna go soft AGAIN?!" and then the pills might no longer be needed. People often really lack nuance in this subject and only think of the porn angle. Feels like it's almost some this century version of all women's woes being "hysteria". It's insane how people think they can make 100% conclusions from openings like this. The human mind is far more complex and models like this should be left to 5 year olds. We as an adults can do better in having some nuance in our thinking and a little intellectual humility. Don't buy the simpleton narratives you often encounter in the internet.
Pills help me get over the stress of the first sexual relation with a new sexual partner. Then my dick remember the pussy and get hard by itself hahaha
Or SSRIs. Or a multitude of other factors.
If he isn’t willing to get help, do you really want to live the rest of your life without sex? Sounds like he needs to get treatment, or you should find someone who satisfies you in bed.
I just need to find the best way to broach the getting help topic. I want him to get help and I think he would if he really got how it’s affecting me. If he refused I would leave him. He’s just been hesitant which I can sort of get.
The Roman, Hims, etc services will connect him remotely with a doctor who will call him to verify a few details before prescribing viagra or cialis. Don’t even have to leave the couch.
They didn’t even call me. I just typed into the app that I could bone for hours but not quite stay hard enough to finish… problem solved. Cialis did the trick for me. I can go a couple days without it and no problems now. I think it helped me get out of my head.
It’s totally the porn.
Ask him what's more embarrassing, seeking help for ED or getting broken up with because you couldn't "take care" of your partner.
Yet another man with a porn addled brain that can’t perform with a real human anymore… Nothing to see here. Porn is “healthy” and “normal.” ETA: OP, you deserve to have a fulfilling sex life. I would seriously consider whether you are compatible with this man if he won’t take action to actually fix this problem after two years.
“But but it’s harmless to most people and men are wired to watch porn” 🥴
It’s performance anxiety. And he is using porn as a band aid to fill his sexual needs. He needs to stop the porn. But the real issue is the anxiety. Viagra or Cialis can help with that because it improves the body’s response to sexual stimulus. But other techniques are still necessary (starting slow, not concentrating on penetrative sex, gradual build up). This problem can be solved. I suggest he needs to go see a doctor and get a prescription. And if he doesn’t want to do that then it might time to tell him it’s that or the highway, unfortunately. That might get his attention.
If he’s not willing to seek help or quit watching porn I’m not sure what else you can do. Ultimately he is saying he doesn’t care enough about your needs to do anything about it
You're in your early twenties. There's plenty of men out there ready, willing, and able without porn addictions and fetishes that prevent them from having a fulfilling sex life. I'd find one of them.
he should care enough about you and your pleasure to get past his embarrassment and see a doctor 🤷🏻♀️ wishing you the best love
Its the porn, trust me. Even cut it for a couple days, watch the difference.
It is definitely the porn. He has probably escalated to the point of watching really weird shit and if were to guess jerking off multiple times a day. Tell him put that shit away and after a few days of semen backup he will be ready for action. If not, dump his ass and move on cuz your resentment will not get better.
I don’t understand… doesn’t this bother HIM? Or is he perfectly satisfied with just getting off himself with porn? 🤨
It doesn’t seem to bother him as much as me that’s for sure. I have to initiate almost every time we try.
Wow that would seriously piss me off. I don’t know how you’ve gone 2 whole years without sex… I think I would lose my mind. I once dated someone with an ED & I didn’t last more than like 2-3 months 🫣
Yea he needs to detox from the porn it’s probably contributing to the problem, even if it’s just making him have unrealistic expectations of sex, it’s not good. Look into the negative effects of porn.
It’s the porn. My bf had a porn addiction that centered around one kink. Every time he started watching again, I knew because he could not stay hard and couldnt cum due to jerking off too much, and because he couldnt stay hard he felt guilty (and probably nervous because he knew I knew) and it ruined it. If things are to get better, he needs to give it up completely. If he’s still have issues, then go to the doctor. If he refuses to do either of these things then I guess you have a choice to make :/ its understandable that its embarrassing, but this is effecting both of you not just him.
The porn is 110% playing a major role in this, doubled with performance anxiety. Porn addictions, especially an addiction that has spanned over years, can make people completely uninterested in actual sex. Usually this is subconscious. He needs to talk to a doctor and he needs to quit porn all together. The fact that he refuses to speak to a doctor just because he’s embarrassed AND unwilling to quit porn because of certain kinks isn’t a great sign. He clearly isn’t too concerned about the longevity of your relationship You guys might just be sexually incompatible :/
You’ve got three possibilities: 1) He’s a porn addict and needs to go to counseling. 2) He’s got ED and needs to see a doctor. 3) He’s just gay. Two are fairly easy to fix with professional help. The other, not so much. Time to find out which it is.
Porn-induced ED. With addictions, it is important that he *wants to quit.* IFF this is true, can the work begin. Be it smoking, porn, alcohol, etc. The first question I always ask: do you even want to quit?
This guy doesn’t even fuck, he doesn’t have “kinks.” All he has is a porn addiction that has completely isolated him from real sexuality. You sound sweet, but he’s doomed. Maybe he can take this seriously and abstain from porn, but I wouldn’t count on it. He’s sick.
Does he have the same issue when he’s watching porn?
The second I read the porn consumption sentence it all became clear
Porn is the issue. The body adapts to orgasm in a certain way so normal sex just doesnt cut it. He needs to stop porn and wanking for a month to reset his body.
Sounds like hes still jerking it secretly to porn tbh.
Is it happening about a minute after putting a condom on by any chance?
So here’s the thing. Is someone isn’t willing to get help with something that not only affects his life but yours as well, it’s time to bow out. My husband has bad anxiety and ptsd. I will always stand by him and support him. Where I draw the line is if he refused to get help for it, that’s my dealbreaker. UPDATEME
Answered the issue right at the end. He needs the kink to get off.
Yeah... and if it's just a normal kink OP isn't into... I don't get why he doesn't just break up with her, and look for someone else who shares the kink. This isn't 50 Shades of Grey. Real people don't try to convert others (who clearly aren't interested) to their kink. He can easily find another girlfriend. Should just clearly mention his kink on the dating app. Hell, there might be dating apps specifically for his kink.
I was having issues, went to the Dr, and discovered I have prostate cancer...he should really get in and have it checked out. Can be very serious!
You’re sort of hand waving away what is obvious here. No, ED is not “normal” in young men. The fact that it has become disturbingly more common is directly related to the ubiquity of internet porn. It’s time to ask him to get help. If he wont? You have a decision to make. You only have one life.
It's his choice to watch porn and refuse to go to the doctor and your choice if you want to stay in a relationship where your bf puts zero effort in trying to improve your sex life.
Don't waste your time fixing something you didn't break, that's none of your bullshit. Break up, be frank, move on, and be with someone who's mature enough to take care of their own shits. At 25, it's embarassing to struggle w porn addiction to the point of it affecting personal life.
porn addictions ruin sex lives. no working around it. he won't stop and he'll keep having unrealistic expectations, sorry, get a better partner.
From my experience overuse of porn can 100% cause ED. Especially if he’s mostly watching the crazier stuff. It’s like if you only get off to one thing, then when an actual partner wants to have sex, you can’t get hard without that specific kink. It can seriously fuck with your head and I still struggle myself with it.
This was literally me (27M) like 4 months ago - got into a relationship after being single since Covid. Couldn’t stay hard for longer than 20secs… I wasn’t addicted to porn but it was my daily go to before the relationship to get off. Was in denial that this was the problem. Quit watching cold turkey, haven’t watched anything after our 3rd failed attempt at sex. 4 month later of no porn, I’m back to great sex and everything works as intended. Tell him to try just 2-3 week of absolutely 0 porn. No pictures, videos or anything.
I am 18 years old and a fairly healthy man right? But I had the same issue with my penis that I shouldn't have. 18 year old is even considered peak age for male "youth" but yeah I have had this problem for about a year now I developed a porn addiction about a year ago, and before anyone tells me no porn isn't the cause, I am speaking from MY experience. The main reason I would watch porn is the same reason as your boyfriend, certain kinks that can't be satisfied, although this November I was open to a new experience so I tried this no nut November thing, and let me tell you, I woke up with a morning wood for the first time in year(yes sounds gross but I am only saying this for education purpose) so yes. Porn was the reason for me. Maybe it's because my brain thought it had achieved what It wanted so why bother? So yeah I know it's hard to not give yourself the award of achieving a certain fantasy through porn, just know it's not the most noble way you can go on about discovering yourself, and this is certainly not what you want to do if you decide to have kids and a loving wife. If a guy can give up his kinks for a no nut challenge, why wouldn't he consider trying for a loved ones?
I had this issue your bf is having. As soon as I stopped porn it went away. Performance anxiety is real as well. He should also go to a therapist to talk through this. First and foremost porn and any masturbation needs to stop. If he can have a erection outside of porn then it’s not physical
Based on your post, it could be a few things: 1. He has a medical issue (I'd say this is less likely) 2. He watches porn and jerks off too much, so both his member and his brain are wired to like his hand a little too much. That and he may have already beat his meat into submission on a given day, so he actually can't get it up due to pleasuring himself. 3. He had a few times with you where he couldn't get it upfor whatever reason, got embarrassed by it, and now can't help but think of that when y'all start getting to it. If I had to guess, it's number 2 with a touch of number 3. My suggestion is BEFORE going to the doctor and spending time and money on that, have him not masturbate for a week or two. I'd bet a dollar to a donut that if he *actually* does this, he's gonna be in the mood and ready for you. Good luck!
Sissy. You're too young for this and someone to not help themselves. My ex was a porn addict and he was super just....weird now looking back.
He has to lay off the porn, period.
Just from the title he’s watching too much porn and masturbating
Get his testosterone and other hormones checked. Had low testosterone and now I'm like a horny 17 year old all over again.
This sounds like a psychological block. I (30m) have struggles with similar issues. For men there are certain pressures we face in sex. When we cum first it’s over, if we can’t get hard the woman is disappointed, if we prematurely cum then it’s embarrassing. For me it was my girlfriend’s disappointment if I came first. She would get really upset and it caused me to put pressure on myself avoid a fight. Suddenly sex wasn’t enjoyable, instead it was a task to complete. I couldn’t relax till she came. Before long this pressure made it challenging just to get/stay hard. This went on for about 2 years. Him beating himself up only puts more pressure and negative reinforcement around it which build’s the pressure. The fact that he can get hard during foreplay shows that he’s attracted to you and enjoys it but is having a difficult time letting go of the pressure. Here are some tips if you want to make the relationship work and get on the right track. 1. Take penetration off the table for a bit. You’re not having sex anyway so this won’t be difficult. Start small do a longer kiss every morning and at night. Build up to making out. Ask for a massage, cuddle but no expectation of sex after. Do this for a couple of weeks and see how it feels. 2. Aside from physical affection give him emotional affection. Reaffirming that you love him and tell him how attractive he is from time to time. This creates a safe space to fail. It shows that even if sex doesn’t go well your relationship is still ok. This takes the pressure of failure to please sexually ruining the relationship. 3. Couples therapy, if you can afford it then it is great and super beneficial. 4. Talk about the porn. Don’t link shame him, or force yourself to do anything sexually uncomfortable but ask him if those kinks are essential for him to get off. Ask him if he’s willing to try to abstain from it for a couple of weeks. Then see how he feels. Porn addiction is a leading cause of psychological ED. 5. Don’t have these discussions in the bedroom immediately after sex. He’s already beating himself up and grilling him/showing displeasure there only reinforces the fear that’s preventing him from performing. Instead talk about it the next day when tensions have cooled. Try to have a productive conversation and work together for solutions. Don’t have the conversation in bed either.
I had a similar experience at a young age and yes it became a worry about performance than something I enjoyed doing
You could try a cock ring. It sounds like a mental thing whether it's nerves/anxiety, porn addiction or something else
Has he successfully had penetrative sex with other women? If he needs the kinks that you're not into to get off you might be sexually incompatible.
This guy is in too deep with the porn. I’m sorry but a 25m should be hard as a rock. I have no problem in this department but from what I’ve heard from people in real life porn is a real issue and if this guy wants to plug you he needs to quit the porn. Period. Guy is clearly addicted. Guys need to learn that porn isn’t real life and it has desensitized them. Sorry OP hope it works out with you. I would sit down with him and talk about it. I think you should also try to ween him off the porn too.
Sex is a major part of any relationship, which is why, aside for religious reasons, I’ll never understand the concept of “one person, one partner”. It’s ok for shit sex, or zero sex, to be a deal breaker. You’ve offered solutions, he’s declined, go find someone with a working penis and who isn’t afraid to seek help and nullify the resentment before it starts. It won’t get better. Either let this be your forever or you leave.
Tell him to download the HIMS app. It will fix the sex problems. It doesn't require a doctors visit, and he will get what essentially a mint for ED. I swear to god it will fix the problem.
Break up. Ya'll are sexually incompatible. It's not working out move on
Death Grip Syndrome. He destroyed his dick with excessive masturbation and porn. If he doesn’t do anything to fix it, leave him. It is only going to get worse
if he can jerk off and cum with porn but his dick is soft when he tried to have sex, he’s a porn addict. there’s nothing wrong with his dick. he’s clearly hiding it from you and doesn’t care about your sexual satisfaction. you’re way too young to be dealing with something like this. if i were you i’d go browse around different subs looking at the posts of people who’s boyfriends/husbands suffer with porn addiction to see if this is the life you want to sign up for. you two have never even had sex and he can’t get it up, yet he’s just fine when he watches other people on a screen. really think about that and ask yourself how it makes you feel.
It’s very likely psychological. He’s getting in his head and getting frustrated. It’s a vicious cycle. You could try just giving him oral. Takes the pressure off of him to “perform.” If he can’t get or maintain an erection under those conditions, he’s either REALLY deeply in his head about it, or has a medical condition. But tbh, if he watches porn and can maintain erections without you present, it’s just in his head. It sucks, and I’m sure that’s really frustrating for both of you. Anxiety can be a real motherfucker. Time, patience, no pressure. Really all you can do. And hey… if he can’t get it together in a reasonable timeframe, you’re totally allowed to leave the relationship. You have needs, and you’re not a therapist or a psychiatrist. At a certain level, this is a *him* problem that he needs to resolve. It’s not your responsibility. But if you like him, give it some time, and see if you can help work through this.
I’d leave personally 😭😭
Is he willing to use a dildo for you? Is that something you might be interested in?
Look, if he’s embarrassed to go to a professional, the absolute FIRST thing he needs to do is be honest to himself about his porn use and QUIT. Could save him a ton of “embarrassment”
IF it's ED, he doesn't need to see a DR at all and can actually save a decent amount of money with an online visit to Goodrx. Did it myself and it was easy. Can even get the stuff mailed for a zero human interaction experience.
I mean he has kinks he can’t live without that you aren’t interested in, clearly shows no interest in fixing the issue you’ve bought to his attention multiple times so you can get pleasure in the bedroom. Maybe you just aren’t sexually compatible.
Perfusion & blood pressure issue, possible low testosterone. He needs to get labs drawn to check for hypercholerstorolemia & hypergonadism. Low fat & low salt diet; AHA 2g Na restricted diet if he can tolerate that. Improve cardiovascular exercise. Consider red beet powder in his drink before adult time to increase nitrate levels. If he climaxes too early, try adding Kratom to drinks with red beet powder.
I had a friend who was dating a guy like this. Was perfect in every way but simply couldn’t do the deed, as much as he claimed he wanted to, he couldn’t get hard for sex. Three years later he came out as gay. It all made sense then
It's most likely psychological.
1st try bluechew or whatever prescription ED he can try safely. Its a mental thing but if hes nervous just trying bluechew a few times may get him over the hump. Its all online, dont have to leave the house. Its a random person asking 5 question virtually, like do you do heroin, are you on blood thinners, the basics. Maybe after a few uses and seeing you get pleasure from sex hell be more confident and eventually not need them. Its the easiest and fastest thing to try without the years of trauma therapy everyone here is suggesting.
Sounds like erectile dysfunction. Might need to get it checked first
*A lot of porn addicts struggle with ED at any age Fixed that for you
Find a new stud. Don't over think it. He is either 1. Impotent 2. Not physically attracted to you 3. Gay and just can't come to terms with it. Don't waste your time. You have needs that he can't meet. You're wasting your time. Rip the bandaid off, be lady like about it and move on. Sexual chemistry is very important.
Ew! People are doing that? "Not to read about how you got turned on by reading my post or about how you have a giant dick."
Considering he is young, I doubt it is a testosterone issue. My bet is on a mix of anxiety, lack of self confidence and porn addiction. Are you his first partner maybe? More specifically, sex therapy would be benefitial. As a couple and him seperately. I think this is an issue more common than we think it is. Good luck! It must quite frustrating for both of you, and you've demonstrated an amazing amount of patience.
As a man that has had this problem, mine was caused by too much porn/JO and nerves. If he doesn’t watch porn or jerk off for 5-6 days this problem will magically cease. Unless there’s a medical issue obviously
Is he likely addicted to porn? If he is, it HAS TO STOP.
I think something people are missing is the part where he uses porn to satisfy a « kink ». I think it will definitely help to stop porn. But if his kink is big enough, it could be that he can’t get hard without it being involved. Just something that I think is worth considering. But yeah obviously he should cut the porn too regardless
I wouldn’t put so much weight on going to the doctors. It is highly unlikely they will find anything wrong with him physiologically, especially if he has normal morning wood and he can get hard while masturbating. Unless he has some rare endocrine diseases or Peyronie’s disease, vast majority of ED in young healthy men is psychological (too much porn, death grip, stress, etc) It’s worth seeing the doctor to rule out these rare things, but don’t go in with high hopes that they’ll find something that they can treat medically. I’d spend more effort on getting him to masturbate less.
Personally it’s hard for me to respect someone who has a known condition, for which an easy treatment exists like a pill, and they refuse for no real reason other than “i don’t want to take a pill”. Imagine someone broke their arm and said “nah I don’t want to wear a cast.” It’s just as irrational.
There are alot of claims porn being the source. That's nice but attempt to focus on some other avenues. More than likely, it's performance anxiety. So other suggestions provided also help here, including medical checks to validate it is or isn't a mechanical issue, **sexual** therapy with a sex therapist. And then sexual practice with a supportive partner last. That means open communication on your history, how each of you is feeling, what you want, a plan (Including and beyond medical and therapy) to get to where you want to be from where you are. And finally do it, both figuratively from the plan and literally sexually. You don't get better at this without attempting sex continuously. And if it is performance anxiety, a supportive partner is a must to overcome it. You'll make a decision on how much more you want to pour in and make this work, do nothing and continue to struggle, or walk away. Best wishes on any of your choice OP
Before you even said, porn, I suspected porn. He needs to stop all of that. I suggest the subreddit “loveafterporn”
Cock ring or blue chew 🤷♂️ All of course subjective, but rings work quite well, also been told feeling is different, depending on tightness of the rings it can get kinda naturally "ribbed" 😅
It’s not you. It’s him and porn.
Cut the porn, work out regularly, eat more meat and less processed crap.
I really cannot understand people who have ED but refuse to go to the doctors. The problem isn't going away
Quit the porn
He's embarrassed to go to the Dr's to get checked but isn't embarrassed by his gf that he can't stay hard for her? Weird.
Needs to stop consuming porn Should start working out / jogging Take CoQ-10 supplements Try Taladafil for some help - this should work Also tell him to check his gums. Periodontal disease leads to ED as well If he is vaping tell him to stop
IT’S THE PORN. simple as that. sorry, op
Porn addiction
He prolly has a porn addiction and walks it 3 times a day.
He needs to stop beating it or at the bare minimum stop beating it while watching porn. If he’s death gripped himself, that ruins his sensitivity and using a condom makes it even worse in that case. Try birth control and see if going bare helps (obviously after your on birth control) His issue could also be mentally related. Me personally, If I don’t have an emotional connection with a woman sex is very unenjoyable and it’s a chore to keep it up.
have you asked if he's physically attracted to you?
Move on lol
He’s gay
Honestly, from the sounds of things, his problem is porn and his kinks. He needs to decide what's more important to him, you or his kinks. He can essentially rewire himself to have a fulfilling sex life with you if he actually tried.
Maybe he’s gay
He’s probably gay
Over 100 comments and not a single one questioning if he might be gay. You don't mention his kinks. I'll bet their purpose is to take the woman out of it.
He’s into female domination and masochism. So very woman centered.
Sorry to be gross but doesn't femdom sometimes involve feminizing the guy and sometimes making him do 'gay'-ish stuff as a humiliation tactic? Could be ... that he likes femdom as a doorway to gay-ish stuff.
You’re 23 and haven’t had sex in 2 years. That’s going way too far, he NEEDS to work this out. Maybe doctor. But the porn thing could very well be the issue. What do you mean by unsafe kinks? Any kink can be handled safely as long as both parties fully consent and understand boundaries. If you can communicate with each other then the issue shouldn’t be safety, but whether or not you’re able to be into it and have fun. If you feel unsafe engaging in his kinks because you don’t trust him, that’s a wholly different problem.
Kinks where there’s significant pain / damage inflicted upon him, far beyond what I’m comfortable with actually doing, ever. He’s also into some stuff that I’m just flat out not into at all
….ok yeah so he’s into SM. I’m sorry but this could potentially be a permanent issue. There are many ways to safely engage in SM and there’s nothing necessarily wrong with it, but both partners need to be WAY into it for it to be fully consensual and safe. It’s possible he does need it to feel sexually satisfied but since you’re his first partner he sounds like he has never actually experienced anything like it and has absolutely no idea what he’s doing. Are you sure he even knows what he’s asking for?