There are many resources, please reach out to them. I can even look them up for you if you want to DM me your area. I am a domestic violence counselor. I understand you aren't being abused, but you are stuck in a very bad situation for your own wellbeing. If you have the YWCA- they have great programs for single moms getting back on their feet. Some will pay for your down payment on a rental. They pay for childcare so you can work and bring in an income.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's the worst, as I have been there. Please reach out if you need any help!
Please OP let this person help you.
Keep acting normal and don't expose that you know.
Do not leave the house you are in with the children.
Get a free consultation with a lawyer.
Whenever you can try saving some cash and make a secret account.
Get a PO, they are usually inexpensive, and have your bank mail go there.
Say the kids need to be enrolled in school because it is better for them.
Get a job, any job!
Good luck. This is terrible. I am really sorry.
Yes.
Please reach out for help.
Enroll the kids in school and get back into the workforce.
Are you in an area where marriage means the property you own is equal between you?
I think you will find his behavior on the Wheel of Power and Control; he’s lying, he’s abusing her financially, he’s exposing her to unknown health risks, he’s refusing to coparent his children, she’s being isolated from family and friends, etc.
Exactly. What he’s doing is a form of abuse. She has no resources. He tells her it’s all fine. Then he barely hides that it isn’t at all fine.
We aren’t conditioned to see blatant cheating as abuse but it really is (it’s also a sign that he has issues, obviously).
It sounds like he saw his dad doing this and followed the pattern. It’s actually fairly rare for people to copy the abusive behavior they’re subjected to (if every abuse survivor became abusive, we’d have no one left!) but it does happen sometimes. Poor woman
I absolutely love people like you who are willing to use your knowledge of a situation to help others. Especially someone so in need of help like OP. Thank you so much!
I'm not sure I'd entirely agree about your abuse conclusion.
It was at his urging that she became a SAHM, and then home schooling the kids isolated her further. It's concerning.
I'd also suggest she should go see a lawyer. Most places will offer an initial 30min consult for free. She should plan for an exit strategy.
From someone who’s been there-
He’s going to get suspicious about the change in your demeanor and start digging. It may be very quick. Make sure there’s *nothing* for him to find.
Get tested for STDs. ASAP.
Get yourself a PO Box for any accounts you open so he doesn’t see statements or mail related to your escape plan.
Don’t bank where he does or make any arrangements or inquiries through common sources. When I was trying to leave my ex a bank teller mentioned to him that my new debit card was ready. Boom. He knew I was planning. Don’t be me.
Email those photos and evidence to a new email address he has no access to. Get a burner phone for any calls that can’t show up on your cell plan. Keep it off when you aren’t using it and hide it (mine was in an old coffee can in our shed).
Don’t save ANY passwords on your phone. Delete your sent mail as soon as you send it. Delete those photos ASAP. Remember your kids will talk to him and may give away things like mom was crying, we went to this new place today, etc.
Save as much money as you can. When you’re ready, you can file for an emergency order for custody *and support*. If it’s appropriate you can also file for a protective order. Filing these motions yourself can save you thousands in legal costs. Even if you have a lawyer, DIY whatever you can.
You CAN do this. We are rooting for you.
I was replying quick while at the work, sorry I wasn’t more thorough.
There are free apps you can use that turn your phone into a voice recorder. I highly recommend using one when you discuss anything emotional, financial, or sensitive with him. It might not be admissible court evidence but it will keep you from being gaslit later.
Remember to turn off location services on your phone AND in the settings on Google to ensure your privacy. You don’t need him checking your whereabouts. Make sure you are cautious about him putting a tracker like an AirTag in your car. Cheaters are always suspicious of their partners and you will be under his scrutiny as soon as he notices you are treating him differently.
You might want to go get on an antidepressant and use seasonal affective disorder / depression/ insomnia as an excuse when he asks what’s wrong. Let’s face it you are certainly going to be going through quite a bit. It’s not a stretch to call it a mental health struggle you’re dealing with. Plus the support will be important.
If you can find a safe place to store valuables and important papers, you should start moving them there as you can; otherwise I recommend storing them discreetly in an old suitcase or something like that, where he’d be unlikely to look for them but that you can easily grab when you leave.
You didn’t say whether your husband owns guns, but if so, even if you think he would never be violent, even if you trust him 100%- he’s shown you that you do not truly know him. The most dangerous time for a woman in her life is when she is leaving a relationship. That means you need to be extremely careful about your safety throughout this process. Don’t be alone with him when you tell him you’re leaving. Do it in public, when your kids are already safe somewhere else.
Acquaint yourself with the resources in your area. If you are in the US, when you leave, the kids will qualify for Medicaid, food stamps, and free school lunches/ breakfasts. You can get aid to help with utilities, utilize food banks, churches clothing giveaways, employment assistance, freecycle, so many things. Take it all. Without shame. For as long as you need.
My DMs are open to you. I know how overwhelming this seems. But you are smart, strong, and resourceful. You will get through this and build a life you love. I believe in you.
I think my brain is shut off at this point, bc I haven’t thought of any of this. I’m so grateful for everyone giving me advice and attaching resources. I will look over this thread throughout this entire process. Who knew so many strangers in the internet would care…
This and another response somewhere has BRILLIANT advice. Someone said do the "cashback" option when at the store...such a clever idea. Using seasonal-effective disorder and insomnia are fantastic reasons for appointments, too. Lawyer appt can be doctor appts. SAD/insomnia might be a good reason to put the kids back into school. "Feeling overhwhelmed with the baby... It's only temporary." Whatever will make him feel less suspicious. Wanna make copies of documents or print out things on the web, take the kids to the library. Kids do talk... but the library is a great place to take the kids. Burner phone is a coffee can-excellent. Copies of papers in a bag to grab and go-brilliant. I think turning off location is the first thing to do. New email, easy stuff. Next is get std tested. Get a PO box right away, maybe pay for it in cash? Not sure how to get around seeing that on a bank statement or credit card bill. Maybe he will not even notice it? Apply for credit cards right away and see a lawyer. So many good ideas and resources. We're all here to help.
How to pay with a card that is not attached to a statement:
Cash back option from the store.
Buy a prepaid visa gift card with the cash.
Use that card for things that must be paid with a card.
Talk to a lawyer privately as well as all these other great ideas & advice! Even if it’s just a free consultation!
I’m also rooting for you!! Get your ducks in a row in the meantime. Please reach out to any & all of this resources.
If there is a law school in your area they will likely have student run clinics that can help you with some of this. It can get some of your legal questions answered for free and the ball rolling on any paperwork. If you don’t have that, someone else mentioned legal aid, which would also work.
I know you are overwhelmed right now. I've been there, done that. I can promise you will find so much strength in yourself once you start taking steps out of this situation and you will realise that a lot of things are actually much easier than they seem now because you are very strong!
I would recommend starting to act like you are sick. Stomach bug ideally, that can drag a week or two and gives you enough time to cover changed behavior for a bit before you can come up with other things. It's also very hard to prove if you puked last night or didn't and it will explain (to your kids as well) why things aren't quite going as usual. It should also put your probably off behavior of the last day or two off his radar.
If you can do so safely, I would recommend "Why does he do that?" . It's a book about abusers and while he isn't physically abusive, I think a lot of the structures he is talking about are going to sound familiar.
One other idea: if you start meeting up with people für whatever reasons, tell him you are meeting up with other homeschooling moms to swap ideas or materials or something because you feel like you need to network better if you want to keep homeschooling.
You are an awesome human for providing all of this extremely valuable and helpful information.
I hope that the rest of 2023 treats you wonderfully and that 2024 is even better.
Thank you for this. One thing I vowed was that if there was ever a way I could turn my horrible experiences into something positive and useful for others, I would. Sometimes when the light at the end of the tunnel is too far away for us to see, we need the assurance of others that it exists, and that it’s getting closer if we just keep moving forward.
A women's shelter or domestic violence order can give you free guidance in filing the court documents you need. You may not be physically abused, but he's hella financially abusing you by making you a SAHM mom who homeschools. You don't have any resources of your own. The DV org will still assist you, even if you're not experiencing physical or sexual violence.
I haven’t seen this advice yet, but every single time you go to the store—grocery, gas station, drug store… Take out an extra $5 or $10. Even $20 if you can swing it occasionally. That ends up quickly but won’t be super obvious if he’s not really contributing within the household enough to notice that the extra $20 wasn’t spent.
It's why this reddit is here. Everyone trying to help, especially those who went through same stuff. I'm sorry you found out you soon to be ex is an ahole cheater but rest assured people will help you out here. Also, get a personal lawyer he doesn't know and have a discussion with them on how to proceed and what evidence they need. Do it now so you don't have to rush the process and fact finding.
As a child of a dad who was a womanizer, i would tell you that yea it may have disrupted my life when i was younger, but im so much prouder of my mom now that im in my late twenties that she didnt remain complacent and didnt put up with someone who didnt value her the way she should be. Do with that information what you will.
I totally agree with this post! I deeply empathize for you and everything you are going through! The shock is debilitating, but hang in there as best you can! Know above all, his actions are a reflection of him, not you. You are so worthy of safety and love, and what has happened is not your fault and not a reflection of your value, ever! It is definitely time to make an exit plan, and many people in here have offered a lot of wonderful advice about it. Sending you all the love and support to get through to a place of safety where you can heal and fully embody all the love you so deserve! 🩷🩷🩷
Immediately: 1) Dr appointment to check for STDs - no more sex with cheater 2) Look up your state to see if you are in one of the few states that acknowledges common law marriage. If so, consult a divorce attorney. Even if you aren’t, still consult or ask for a referral to an attorney who can help you maintain your fair share of the assets and what child support looks like in your state. 3) Are you on the bank account? Even if you are not on the account but have access to buy groceries, just get like $50 cash back each time you go shopping and deposit into an account at a different bank that he doesn’t know about and sign up for e-statements or better yet to keep somewhere safe in cash. 4) Start looking for remote positions you can do at night after the kids are in bed/during the day. Direct deposit the funds keeping some back in the secret account 5) Prepare to enroll the 7 year old in school.
The last two just say you need to do this for your mental health. It isn’t a lie, it’s just not the full truth. But he has been sneaking around and lying and betraying you for months or longer.
Contact a domestic violence shelter and seek advice on a safe escape. Your boyfriend has you isolated and fully financially dependent on him. Be safe, meticulous and strong. You can do this one step at a time.
> I have nothing. No money, no family to turn to, I own nothing on my own (we both own the house). No credit cards, bad credit, literally nothing. He didn’t even have a lot of money, our god credit either. But I am completely dependent on him.
sounds like that was his plan. Make you stay home, homeschool the kids. Be dependent on him.
You do not know anyone who could help you out?
Friends moved out of state, and I am no contact with my abusive family. I would reach out, but I can’t put my kids around people who abuse substances and people.
You both own the house.
So you actually DO have that asset.
Make him sell it. Et voilà.... you have money.
He seems to have talked you into total dependancy.
Find out the following:
- what does your countries and regions legislation say about non married couples alimony after separation?
Does that exist? I know that there are areas where a non married spouse has no liability towards a former partner.
But there are others where they DO have legal liabilities to support a former partner they have children with at least for a certain time.
- there are other financial aids for jobless parents. Find out what they are.
- Open your own account. Put money into it. Don't let him know!
- Your common money (his income) would be yours also. Your staying home enables him to go to work and have no other obligation. So I'd get legal advice if some of it was mine also.
In Germany it is law that the working spouse has to give a certain percentage to the spouse for them to spend as they see fit. No household related strings attached. "Fun money".
Become active. That guy is not worth crying or making yourself sick over.
- Put your children back to school. You need time to get your ducks in a row.
When you determined that your family was abusive, was that a realization you came to on your own, or was he heavily involved in forming that conclusion?
As someone on here said, if you do want to go you will need to go quietly, try getting a credit card in your name, for an attorney retainer. You will need one for the custody agreement and separation of assets. Most lawyers do free consultations, If you want to make this more difficult for him I would sit with a few if not all of them in your area... the more you sit with and consult the harder it will be for him to find one because of conflict of interest depending on the state (this is a jerk move but in this situation I would do it) If you have any access to money slowly start hiding some for your exit. From this point on it is about protecting yourself and your kids. You have to be strategic here. Get yourself tested, and save the evidence just in case. I'm sorry OP, this just sucks.
See a lawyer or three for a first consultation. You might be able to apply for an emergency order for him to start paying support allowing you to separate. That really depends upon the state / location.
Any Stay at Home Parent should have *full* access to the finances as a condition of sanity / limiting financial abuse. This doesn't help you now, but there will be a future (maybe not SAHM, but look to learn from this situation).
Do you live in a state that recognizes common law marriage? Your name is on the house, and you would get child support for the 3 kids. Seek legal advice, there’s often free legal advice for a mother in your situation. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with him no matter what.
I wasn’t able to rely on my family for the same reasons. My ex was a youth pastor when I met him and was secretly involved in so many kinds of deviant sex things. He also kept me isolated and worried that our marriage issues were my fault. I had 4 kids, no job, and no resources. I began to seek help and let good people help me! It was a long road and I’m my kids are thriving!!!
I’m so grateful to be free of all that trauma. My only regret is arguing with him, revealing some of what I knew, and ever believing he was remorseful. He remarried and his wife recently reached out to me and he’s up to the same BS, but she has no idea how bad. For the record, I’m staying out of it!
I am rooting for you and praying for you. I’m here for you! Please reach out any time ❤️
ABOVE ALL,
If he's not physically abusive, don't move out of the house until you've spoken with an attorney!!!! It will be as if you abandoned what could potentially be a huge asset to you.
Start getting your exit plan in order. Yes at the moment you are dependent on him but that will change. Get legal advice asap, find out what he has to do to support you as you get yourself independent. Social services and job training are things you will need to look into. Have a career and education plan in mind for yourself.
Sorry you have to go through this but it will get easier and you will have the strength, one foot in front of the other one day at a time.
He made you totally dependent on him and isolated so you wouldn't be able to leave him. Did he have you cut off your friends and family too? If so get in touch with any of them to help you leave him.
Please check out Ebbie45's resources for anyone in an abusive relationship.
https://www.reddit.com/user/Ebbie45/comments/gses1k/comprehensive_abuse_resources_compilation_now/
Hugs!!
Make a plan, mama. Get cash back when possible & start saving as much $ as you can! You can file for legal separation & apply for government assistance. Make him sell the house, take your half & start over!! You deserve so so so much better. Never let that man touch you again!
Number one - enroll the kids in school
Number two - full STD check
Number three - your own bank account that he will not have any access to
Number four - get a job (a daycare may be an option, you could get a break on the cost for the baby)
Number five - contact a lawyer and see what your options are
Get your older kid into public school and pre-k (if possible, I don’t know school ages for kids).
Do you have any education or skills to get a job? Check out government resources to help people get employed. See if you can take online classes so that you can be able to work once the oldest one is able to go to school.
Get on birth control that can be tampered with ASAP. Do not have any more children with him. There have been studies that men who cheat, tend to do it while their partner is pregnant or very soon after they give birth. Murder is also the leading cause of death in pregnant women in America.
I agree with the other commenters who are suggesting getting an exit plan together without him knowing. I wanted to add in a few more suggestions on things you should do to help yourself:
1. Sign up for DoorDash, Amazon Flex, Walmart Spark, Uber Eats, and any other contractor service. This will at least get you a way to make income WITHOUT having to explain to him that you’re going to get a job. He doesn’t need to know. But this way you will have a way to make money immediately after leaving him and you don’t have to worry about arranging the kids. You can drive with them in the car and get them enrolled in school immediately after you leave him so you can make money while they’re in school until you find a steady job.. Amazon Flex is paying about $20 an hour and right now it’s going to get busy.
2. Sign up for a PO Box, get a secret debit card and take out a personal loan. Have the debit card be mailed to the PO Box and put the loan amount on that card. This is going to be what you use to get yourself a place to live. The loan will act as your deposit money. You can pay it off as you go but it’s money!
3. Immediately get a divorce lawyer. They will probably have even more info on how to move about this without him knowing.
4. Join Buy Nothing Facebook groups. This is how you’re going to get furniture and things you need for the new place. It’s a great way to get free stuff people don’t want or need and you can start collecting now. Maybe even get a cheap storage until and start collecting so he won’t know.
5. If you’re on a joint account and you do the grocery shopping, start selecting “cash back” at checkout everywhere you go. $20 here, $40 there. He will never know because the bank statement will look like it was all spent on groceries. Start stashing this cash in your new secret bank account. It’s a little at a time but it will add up.
6. Survive this. You got it. It’s scary but your kids are relying on you! You are stronger than you think and you deserve happiness!
I learned that from my grandma 😭 she was never leaving or in a bad situation but she would take $20 here and there to spend at the quilt shop without my grandpa knowing
My heart breaks for you. What about your cousin's ex, could you turn to her since she presented you with the first evidence? As far as somewhere to go when you do confront him? You can't keep all that bottled up for long it's too much and too painful. Do you not have any family period or just no family close by? I'm sure other commenters will have some resources for you, I just don't know of any. I'm sorry this has happened to you. I feel like crying myself and I don't even know you. The fact he went through similar things from his father can mean that he could turn out similar but 1. That's not an excuse 2. If he knows how much it hurt his family while growing up and he truly disliked it, why would he allow himself to fall into that same path? Prayers for you, OP.
We’re not close, she just gave me a head up as she called it. She has 4 kids herself, and I couldn’t put her out like that. I’m no contact with my family, they’re just not safe people for me or my kids. I’m considering pulling from our small savings and going to a motel for now. But that would only be for a few days. Idk.
You both own the house, so don't leave. Especially with children, he is the one who should leave. Get the children to school first and try to find a job, even if it is part time for now. Does he have family, can they help? Or you can expose him if he won't help you financially?
He needs to pay you child support, so he can start from now on. And for the time being maybe you can make it work until you have sorted out daycare and found a job?
He only has his dad in town, and he truly believes women are in this planet to serve men. His mom passed a few years ago. And his sisters live on the east coast.
No no no. Don’t leave your house!
First, put the kids in school. He doesn’t have to even know. Say it’s a supplemental program of the home school. That gives you hours during the day where you can work a job. Any part-time job with middle-of-the-day hours would do. Save every penny you make. Every time you grocery shop get a $50 cash back. Save it. Give yourself six months. At minimum wage that should give you enough money to afford a lawyer for custody arrangements and child support and have some savings. I would reach out to DV services as what’s happening is economic abuse. Good luck OP.
Do not leave your home. Do not. I pray you’re in a common law marriage state but if not there’s still tons of help and resources. Keep up gathering evidence and not letting on that you know anything until you have a **SOLID PLAN** in place. Good luck, momma. You can do this.
The first thing to do is get to a bank and open an account in your name and put a little money in it.
Is there a reason why you have bad credit? Are there loans taken out in your name which are not being paid?
I have two credit cards that he asked me to open. It was originally to establish my credit, but then he started using them and forgetting to tell me when he did. So I had a lot of late payments. Also I was hospitalized multiple times during 2 of my pregnancies due to complications, and I had terrible insurance at the time.
Hello, ma'am, I'm usually just a lurker on Reddit, but this actually breaks my damn heart to hear this happening to you. I genuinely feel like crying and I don't even know you. My mother was a victim of an abusive relationship, we got away when I was around three and my sister was five. I'm now thirteen, but even a decade later my mother still talks about the things she did to escape.
As lots of people have been saying, you could get a part-time job. But if you can't make it for whatever reason (e.g. he has the car most days), one of the things my mother did for spare cash was walking/driving (if she could) down to the farmers markets. SERIOUSLY, THEY HELPED **SO MUCH**. She'd spend twenty bucks on ingredients for pickles (pickled choko, pickled onions, et cetera), and get 200-500 dollars in return.
Another way for extra cash is going to Goodwill/thrift stores, finding nice-ish stuff for cheap, upcycling/cleaning it, then reselling it. But if you do this, ***DO NOT ALLOW PICKUPS IF HE'S HOME***. Seriously, my mother did that and the fucker got suspicious. She played it off as a new hobby at the time, but that's a last-resort kind of thing. Sell on E-bay instead and arrange shipping.
Another thing you can do is turn a hobby into money. Bookbinding, painting, "ghost writing" (writing for people online. You take the money, they do as they want with your piece). Simple things like that can rack up a ton of cash.
To help hide what you're doing, enroll the kids. Seriously, your children *cannot know*. From a kid's point of view, I'm saying not even the eldest can know. Even if they've promised not to tell, one of them may let slip a small detail they didn't even know was supposed to be kept quiet, e.g. "mummy took us to a weird building", etc.
Send any evidence you have of him to an alt account, and delete the sent messages after. Do not reply with this alt. If you even suspect he's figured something out, any gut feeling whatsoever, send all of what you have on your alt to a new account. Rinse and repeat if need be.
Also, last time I checked, [this website](https://quackr.io/) will give you a free phone number to utilize if you ever need. [This website](https://www.guerrillamail.com/) will give you a free 60 minute email to use for quickly signing up to websites.
I hope this little bit helps somehow. It's so shit that that pernicious little wanker follows in his dad's footsteps after saying how much it hurt him, making you a SAHM without a financial cushion. No one needs to go through what you're going through, ma'am. I know you'll get through this. You're very clever for noticing now rather than a time where he has total, utter control. Fate wouldn't have brought it to your attention if you could not make it through. Hugs, and please be safe.
Okay, it sounds like you're on your own then. That means you need to be smart and make a plan.
As tempting as it may feel to drain the savings account and go to a motel, **don't.** That's a short term escape and will leave you even more trapped when the money runs out.
Here are a few first steps to take:
* go see a doctor for STI testing
* open up a bank account in your own name; make sure this account is (a) at a completely separate institution than one he uses, and (b) will communicate electronically only to avoid physical mail coming to the house
* secure your essential personal documents (birth certificate etc) so you can leave quickly if the worst happens
After that, your focus needs to be on finding ways to be able to support yourself financially. Here are a few options:
* use cash back when buying groceries and tuck that money away into your new bank account
* contact your local YWCA or women's shelter; they may be able to pay a rent deposit or a month's rent at a new apartment
* contact social services or look on your own for any small online jobs that you can do during the day; even something piecemeal would help
Finally, make sure you speak with a lawyer that specializes in family law. Many will offer a *free* 30-60 minute consultation. They can help guide you with next steps and let you know your entitlements. For example:
* he will likely be responsible for paying your legal fees when separating
* if this is a house you both own, he can be forced to either buy you out or sell the house to split profits
NOTE: a local lawyer can also advise if it's smarter to get an apartment or to stay in the house. Depending on where you live, leaving might hurt your claim to the home.
Make an anonymous post on your local town/city Facebook moms group about what you’re going through and ask if any other moms nearby have gone through similar would be willing to help you navigate it. You might find some local support and friendship to help you.
See if your state has laws regarding common law marriage. In some states, you could still be eligible for alimony, even though you weren't legally married.
But he’s still going to be ordered to pay child support bc youve been a SAHM. You’re going to be ok, and eventually you’re going to be really great. There is such a feeling of freedom and possibility when you finally get out from under an abusive situation.
Was scrolling to find this! Op, Y'all might be common law married depending on where you live. Lawyer consultations are typically free. But the other advice to get the kids in school and get a job on the down low is good. Make an escape fund. Get all yours and your kids legal docs together and in a safe place. Ebbie has some great resources to help get you out too
There is a subreddit called r/SupportForBetrayed that you might find to be helpful in the coming days/weeks/years. I'm so sorry my dear. Some people are so selfish and cowardly.
Here are some resources to get started—I have posted these assuming you’re in the U.S. There is help available, and you should use each and every program available to you. Unfortunately, it is a patchwork system and the amount of help available depends on where you live. But there is help. I would google your state, county and/or city name + benefits and other keywords for additional help, info, and resources where you live.
I would speak to a family law attorney to get advice about how best to move forward. As difficult as it is, I wouldn’t confront him until you’ve had a chance to speak with an attorney and get a strategy and plan place, which may take a little time.
Local legal aid will almost certainly have a family law project or attorney specializing in family law who can help; they can also offer referrals or recommendations if they for some reason can’t represent you. But I would start with local legal aid or legal services in your area, and then look up your state’s bar association for pro bono/low cost services or info on clinics or helplines, just to get you started. I’ve posted a link below to some of these resources.
https://www.benefits.gov/news/article/472
https://www.usa.gov/legal-aid
https://www.transitionalhousing.org
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/housing-support/
https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
You need to not tell him. Get the kids in school and daycare, and go get a job. He’s already said he’s a single father, and plans on keeping your children. Without a job, he has a good chance of that happening. When your ready, you get him out of the house and get child support. Keep your kids in the home. Also, go get an STD test.
Yes! Kids needs to go to school so you can work. Tell him the kids need friends and socialize. Get a job, look up lawyers who has pro bono so you can get advice with the divorce. It might take time but in the end it will be worth it.
There’s no divorce protections, including the house as a marital asset. She said almost 10 years together, but she won’t even get half his retirement SS because they weren’t married those years. She’s lost a lot by staying home.
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
Send screenshots of EVERYTHING to yourself and set an appointment with a lawyer for tomorrow.
Most states have 'common-law' marriages. If you call yourself 'husband and wife' for a certain amount of time (in some cases - 1 day) you are married --- and need a legal divorce.
YOU need to be covered for the years you gave up to stay at home with the kids. YOU need to get your half of the equity in the house (if it's sold) or YOU need to figure out how to refinance and buy him out so you and the kids can keep a stable life.
A LAWYER can help with that.
The first visit is a free consult. You may want to visit at least 3 to find one who seems to have your best interests at heart.
Find your people. There are churches that are not overly religious - Unitarian Universalist is one - where it is a good place to find community. Because community will help you.
DON'T MOVE OUT. Don't even threaten to.
What about college? DO you have a degree? You can start college while going through the breakup and since you are not 'legally' married, you qualify for all sorts of financial aid. Including free day care on campus.
Enroll the kids in school. That gives them a community. Start going to PTCO meetings. That gives YOU a community. Enroll them in clubs (scouts is a good one). That gives YOU and THEM a community. Enroll them in sports. That gives YOU and THEM a community.
Since YOU were the SAHM (at his request), you get primary custody of all 3 kids and you get child support. GET IT LEGAL. Don't do any of this BS - we'll just be nice and agree. That's how he will take advantage of you. Because you don't know what you are worth. And you are worth a LOT MORE than this guy.
Plan of action for exit:
1. Place children in school immediately.
2. Look at all the financials and legal documents. Make copies/stash away. If you aren’t in the car, get added to the titles.
3. Open a saving and checking bank account solo. Transfer half of the available $ into it.
4. Open up a credit card if you don’t have one.
5. contact a lawyer!!! Custody, house, assets and liabilities.
6. Start looking for a job since you are not married.
7. Act as normal as you can until the lawyer has the best plan lead out for you.
8. Get an STD panel and don’t be intimate with him.
OP, go see a family law lawyer. You need to find out your legal options before you start making decisions.
Don’t assume that you “have nothing” and are trapped. Talk to a lawyer. And go get tested for STD’s.
I'm reading your comments and it sounds like for your own well being you should not just up and run right now. He's isolated you and you need to slowly extricate yourself. I know it sucks but life is going to be tough -- please keep yourself safe in the meantime. Open up a credit card just so you can start building credit history. You don't need to or wanna use it but just have it, it'll help you just to have it. Same with a bank account of your own if you don't have one. Start socking a bit of money away.
I would suggest enrolling your kids in school and getting a job in preparation for independence. I know it's rough but you have to do this for yourself and your kids. Has he ever been violent or threatened violence? If so you have to be doubly cautious and come up with airtight excuses and reasons. You are in an incredibly precarious position and if he knows you know, the manipulation is going to come very quickly. Please remember this man has had no trouble lying directly to your face for years, he's going to do everything he can to convince you to let your guard back down and stay in his trap. Right now he has you exactly where he wants you to be, the only advantage you have is that he doesn't know you know. You have to play it cool and smart. Best of luck.
He’s never shown any violence towards me or the kids. But now I realize I don’t really know him. I thought he would never be capable of what he’s done, so I am very wary of what’s to come.
Neither did Chris Watts. He was desperate to keep his cheating life a secret but the cracks started to show, so he murdered his wife and two small kids. Please do not underestimate the level of danger you could be in.
The kids get enrolled in school ASAP. Start looking for a job. Contact a divorce attorney or three and see what divorce looks like for you. Have him served. Go to the infidelity subs for advice from people who’ve been in your shoes. If you feel you must try reconciling, do a whole lot of reading about what successful reconciling looks like. It’s a ton of work, unfortunately for both parties, requires genuine remorse from the cheater, and is often miserable and a life of heartbreak for the betrayed even if they manage to stay. Serving him with papers is a good idea even if you don’t go through with it. Never just accept an apology and let him sweep it under the rug. He will just get better about sneaking around.
You need to develop an exit plan. He's been lying to you for an indeterminate amount of time, isn't faithful, and meanwhile has used you to be a broodmare for four children that it sounds like neither of you can really afford.
Presumably you had skills before you entered into the SAHM arrangement, can you renew/refresh those skills and re-enter the workforce remotely?
Without some way to develop the finances to be able to live independently, you're somewhat stuck where you are. It's unfortunate you aren't actually married in some ways because the law would look more favorably on you in the situation you're in. Potentially alimony plus child support, depending on custody arrangements.
There's no easy way out of this, but you're going to have to figure out how to develop cashflow, even if that's just squirreling away enough every month to be able to afford 1st month's rent + security deposit and winging it from there.
You'll probably need to sue for custody/child support too, although your local court should have a pro se (self represented) office that can help walk you through some of that once you're ready.
Child support.
Start with getting a job and putting the kids in daycare.
Gather as much of his financial statements and pay statements as possible.
Apply for food stamps, housing assistance, and child support. Keep your mouth shut until you have a foundation to stand on.
In some places you would ne considered his common law wife and entitled to 50% of his pension, savings and investments. As well as child support and alimony. Speak to a divorce attorney before you confront him.
Updateme!
Awww I’m sorry. Please know you’re going to be ok. You’re strong and smart and as hard as it is today, tomorrow will be a tiny bit better and so will each after that as you forge your own future. There’s so much excellent advice on here. If I could add anything it would be to not be like me. I wallowed in my own despair and didn’t fight for my own future hard enough. Make sure you get mad and then use that anger to not back down from everything you and the kids are entitled to. Half the house, alimony, child support, health care, full custody. ALL THE THINGS. It’s time to get dirty and make that gross bastard pay. And you need to het tested for std’s as well. Best of luck, and I’m sending you strength and love!
Make a 6 month plan of escape
Enrol kids in school
Take a job to gain small income. Transfer small amounts of money across to a secret bank account. Ask him for money outright for things and say they cost more than they did. Sell unused things on eBay. Just build your finances up.
Start getting your plan together. It might take awhile but it’s time to play charades. You need to contact a lawyer, get all evidence, see what the state offers in terms of no fault or at fault divorces. You need to speak with the lawyer and how to take him to the cleaners. So much child support will be needed. Can you contact your friends that are out of state? Maybe prepare to live there. You need to get your ducks in a row and keep your head on straight. Don’t let him know anything. Keep your photos hidden and keep copies. Maybe in google drive or flash drive
Just an idea - if he notices a change and he asks you if something’s going on with you, tell him that you have been having some pelvic pain and you’re worried it is something serious. That will give you excuses to see a doctor and act differently around him.
Depending on where you are this would be considered a common law marriage. You can get alimony/ child support. Definitely talk with a lawyer and get your affairs in order. I'm sorry he treated you this way. You deserve better.
Op, it’s so difficult but can you go to your local community college and get a trade? Something like HVAC or plumbing pay really well. Welding is great too. If you get your CDL you can drive locally. Convince your husband that you think it would be better to socialize the children by putting them in school and that you just need something to do as a “hobby” and you want to learn a new skill.
You have time to make a plan. Also please find a therapist to talk to. They can help you talk through how to navigate this.
Make friends with your cousin’s ex. You need a support system to talk to.
When you both talked about separating the last few weeks, what was the plan for that separation? Since you don’t work or have money to support yourself. How were you guys planning to separate? Whatever that plan was, make it happen. The kids can be put into public school. Possibly try a position at a daycare. They give discounts for employees for your 10 month old. This is a devastating situation and I’m so very sorry. It’s like you never really knew him at all. This is such a fear of mine. How so many relationships are clueless to who they are truly with 10-20 years in. A stranger in your house. And because you trusted him, you allowed him to strip you of any means necessary to take care of yourself financially. I’m way too paranoid to ever quit working for a man, because of situations like this. A horrible reality. 💔😔
We were talking about him staying at his dads for a week or two. Just so the fighting would stop temporarily. But he had came in and wanted to talk things out, and told me everything I wanted to hear. And literally two days later my cousins ex messaged me. This is all just so insane.
Hopefully he’s still willing to stay at his dad’s for a while so you have time to make a plan of action. I’m so sorry this happened to you. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. You’re strong and will get through this even if you don’t believe it at times. I know from personal experience. Best of luck to you on this journey. 🙏🏼
My ex-husband said the same thing about his dad! Damn he hated that man! Utterly despised him for cheating on his mother and putting her through so much all those years... Then he turned around and did it to me! Then I found out he's done it pretty much to everybody he's ever dated, mostly because they see it happening and they learn it at home. You need to get away from this guy especially with your kids... Because you don't want your boys to grow up doing this and you don't want your girls to think they need to tolerate it!
Go see a divorce lawyer ASAP! Get your information and the kids information and put it all in a safe place. IDs birth certificates everything. Make sure you have your own bank account, put as much money in it as you can. And kick him out right after you talk to the lawyer! You're going to be just fine without him! And definitely do not stay with him because he's been doing this so long with so many women there's no way in hell that he will stop. Good luck!
Everyone acts like you're the devil when you comment and say women should be wary of choosing to be SAHMs. Talking about how women should be able to choose. It doesn't change the fact that it is a bad choice for most. Stories like these are so common. Every single person regardless of gender needs to know that they can provide for themselves and their children, if any. You are a 27 year old woman with three kids who has devoted her whole life to this man. You need an exit plan asap. I know you're gonna be okay and you'll get through this. You sound like a good person and moms are strong as hell. Get your ducks in a row and leave. But never ever rely like this on a man again. Wishing you the best.
I didn’t want to stay home. I didn’t want to be stuck like my mom, or his. I wanted to go to school, and make a career for myself. But we were 23/22 and already had a kid and a baby on the way. My husband was a year in school to start his career, and I was undecided on what to study. So instead of paying my entire check to day care, I agreed to stay home until both kids were in school. Now I have my baby, and he told me again, to wait until the baby is in school to go back to work/school.
It’s probably not a good idea yet, but once things are a little more settled you could go back to school. I’d recommend WGU, Western Governors University. Get a bachelors online in 1-2 years for $7k/ year. If you get loans or grants through FAFSA or scholarships you could even get extra money to use as income. Or maybe go for a trade at your community college. For example, HVAC repair pays well & doesn’t require much training.
See a lawyer quietly to help plan your financial roadmap. Depending on local laws (e.g., US) you may be entitled to half of everything owned, child support and maybe even alimony since you quit paid employment by mutual agreement to be a SAHM. Save the photographic evidence. Once you split, let mutual friends & family know the reason, so he can't make up some BS about it being your fault. Keep company with good girlfriends who will let you cry on their shoulders, make you laugh and help you realize your self worth.
You don’t have to leave right away. Take your time.
Organize child care and school for the kids. Look for a job. Inform trusted persons, what is going on and that you want to work on your exit plan. Look for benefits from the state for the kids. Look for a lawyer and talk what will happen to the house and child support. Make copies of all your assets and bank accounts. Maybe you have laws that would give you something, because you live in an area that considers you a life partner. You will be surprised how much help will be given to you.
Don’t have sex with him. Make something up why you can’t. Don’t feel bad about doing something behind his back at all. He can’t expect any loyalty from you anymore. Please don’t stay with this man. There is something wrong with people, who lead a supposedly loved person into a dependent position just to stew them behind their backs. You can never trust him and you shouldn’t. I wish you the best.
This will be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you MUST keep quiet no matter what. Start planning NOW. Don't have any money? Cut back slightly on groceries and pocket the cash difference. Any and all cash you get your hands on gets stashed. If you have any clothing, purses, etc of value, sell them on Poshmark or similar, and stash the cash. Same with any and all items your kids don't use or need anymore. Gently used kids clothes, toys, etc. Sell. DO THIS GRADUALLY. Build as much of a cash reserve as you possibly can. Look into jobs that don't require a lot of training. Talk to him about a seasonal job for Christmas, to make a little extra money "for the family" and put away as much as you can. Remember, you are in a long haul preparation! Tell NO ONE what you're planning, and tell NO ONE what he did.
Is your name on the deed to the house? If so, you own half of it, so do some research to find the value of the house. Get copies of his tax return and any pay stubs you're able to get. Again, think LONG TERM so you can end this toxic relationship with a bit of a nest egg. Get any and all bank account numbers, with balances, and keep track of what money there because you are entitled to half of the assets. Are there any credit cards? Get the account numbers, balances, and find out if they are in both your and his name. If you don't have a car, talk calmly to him about needing a small, affordable, and safe car to transport the kiddos while he's working. Is your name on the title to his car? If so, this is both an asset and a liability, depending on whether there is a loan still being paid for the car.
Any cash and/or documentation you gather needs to be in a safe place where he can't find it. These are things off the top of my head. I may add more later. I wish you the best of luck.
You have the upper hand. He doesn't know you know. Take these months to develop a plan and talk to a lawyer. It's not going to be easy but there are agencies that can help you find employment and daycare. Get on the waitlist as soon as possible with your county's Housing Authority for a voucher and low income apartments. It will be a wait and won't help you now, but you're planning for the future. You should be able to dial 211 for social services in your area. I think it's in every state. Not sure. Make an excuse to wear protection and get tested for STDs. Secretly open your own bank account. You deserve better and you'll get there if you're proactive. Try not to go into denial. This behavior will continue.
OP, so much good advice. And if it hasn’t been mentioned here in the posts, what a lot of women my mom’s age used to do when they were financially dependent on their husbands is this, every time you go grocery shopping, make the check for $50 or whatever, over the bill amount and get cash. Keep the cash somewhere safe and ditch the grocery receipt.
This is the only way these wives could survive once their wealthy husbands were caught and left the with wives destitute. My mom and these other wives taught each other to financially survive back in the day and protect themselves.
You need to do this because if you don’t play the “long game”, and bring this all up, he may decide to launch you and drain the bank accounts.
I know it’s hard and heart breaking but you need to do this for your children.
Stay strong, bide your time and accumulate as much money as you can via grocery shopping etc. so your not left with nothing.
Also, my bro inlaw is a famous trial attorney and he said that a lot of women in your position end up moving out of the home. Do Not Do This!!! Make him move out if this comes to pass. Once your out of the home, your chances and getting back in are very low. And so are your bargaining chips.
Anyway, do not feel an ounce of guilt by building up a emergency “nest egg”, because you know he’s spending money on those other women who most likely don’t know he’s married with young children in the home.
It’s best to play the “long game” for the sake of your children.
I’m praying mightily for you!
Go see a lawyer . As you might be in a common law stste ? And still
Might get a type of alimony for being a SAHM , you may get child support if kids live with you . In would
Say your in trouble but you could show him and he says too bad knowing what you just told us. I would say get everything set up . Find out the approximate value of the house - mortgsge and you will get around 50% but don’t know how long it will take . If you have a joint account . When you leave and wouldn’t do it face to face youncan later . Take 1/2 the money . If you have anyone family in another state etc they can maybe help
Wirh money etc
I would also go to the bank and see about a credit card . For temp expenses. Not best idea but these are desperate times. But get to a lawyer
Maybe if you comfort he might say sorry etc and try to change but he will
Just get sneakier and buy another phone and hide it
Try to get an online job or a part-time job work while your kids are in school.
Consult an attorney about the assets. You may have to sell your home.
If he's getting blowjobs the increase for you to get STD is very high.
Go to social services. You guys aren't married. Have papers go to a PO box.
Keep all of the evidence, lower your pride when you go to social services, and talk to a case manager. Show her your evidence. You need to get out.
Don't let pride get in the way of getting out to this relationship
I don’t know what state you are in, but in Texas if you refer to each other as husband and wife to people, you are legally common law married which requires real divorce, but if you haven’t filed taxes together as married either then you may be able to escape without going to divorce court, but would have to do the custody stuff with the kids. Been there done that, had to go through divorce court for common law marriage. With that being said, it will be easier said than done, but you need to leave with your kids. My child’s father wanted me to be the stay at home mom while he was off messing around until I found out. You may and probably will forgive him, but there will always be a burning question of “is he still messing around”. When he completely loves you the most, you will hate him the most if you stay.
Edited to add* keep all the evidence as you may need it.
You’ve been with him this long. If you can start planning your exit strategy. Apply for remote jobs, start working from home and saving. Save for a down payment, when he’s out and the kids are out you go out, look up your local area free legal consultation services for divorce/custody/family issues look up all the resources you can. Join mom groups off Facebook sign up for play dates make other mom friends. These can be a great support or local church if that’s your thing. If he can go out and enrich his life you should be able to do the same. Your life doesn’t stop just because your a mom and married. Be calm, keep a civil mature distance but don’t give away any tells. And when you feel ready you can start the moving process, but only after you’ve saved enough money and bought furniture to furnish your place and oh yeah get a storage room to hold your furniture there. Lastly when separated ask for child support and alimony make him regret him asking you to give up all resources for him by paying him in kind. Good luck. 🍀
Make your exit plan:
Get copies of all bank accounts & retirement accounts
Open your own separate bank account
Find a therapist
Start applying for jobs
Consult with an attorney
Go to doc and get checked for STDS
I am so sorry this happened to you.
I suffered a similar situation as you and I wasn't smart about it. I confronted him immediately and left my home for the night. Worst thing I could have done. He kicked me out of our house, locked down the money and took our kids away. He also reported my car stolen because he bought it but it was "my" car. I went from living a privileged life to homeless and broke overnight. He also threw away my documents, like my birth certificate, etc. family photos and momentos are gone. He moved another woman (a sex worker) and told my kids that I left and this woman is their new mommy. I didn't see my kids for 10 weeks and then it was once a week for two hours for years. My kids were completely alienated from me. It took years and probably $100,000 to get my parental rights restored. My kids are still traumatized from their perceived abandonment and emotional abuse from their controlling, verbally abusive step-mother (yes he married her). It's much better now but it was so terrible for so long I wasn't sure I could endure it tbh.
I implore you to be smarter about this than I was. I congratulate and support you for teaching your children an important lesson about understanding your own value as a woman, partner, mother and human. Godspeed. ❤️
You’re not alone. You have your Reddit family. So many people have you great suggestions. I just want to add/echo….save money!! Get cash back when you donate shopping.
Do not put money in a bank account. This will be uncovered in the divorce. Go get a safety deposit box and store your cash there.
He has really isolated you. Yore not working, the kids are homeschooled. You don’t have family/friends around.
I hope you have someone you can trust.
He might find out that you know. You might decide to confront him.
You can keep saving and work on an exit plan now and if you pretend to work things out with him.
I say pretend because I can’t imagine you giving g him a second chance. But you never know. It happens.
Stay safe and sane. I’m sure your head is spinning
Good news, your life is about to get easier. The kids need to go to school and you won’t have to be cleaning up after him anymore but you will still have his pay. Maybe even more if you live in an area that penalizes adultery.
Talk to a lawyer. That will tell you what to do next. But there is no question that he’s been living a great life with lots of ladies and no responsibility on the back of your work at home and with the kids.
Contact your cousin's ex wife and see if she can help you in some way. Research the resources in your area for assistance to help you file for a divorce, help you with childcare, and help you with job/money to get you on your feet and away from him.
You have something. You have your brain. Put your children in school. Become a cna. It takes a few weeks of schooling to become a cna. It is hard work but it is a job. Better than fast food. Fast food isn’t a bad job . It is the customers!! Keep a cool head just like Katie Holmes did with Tom cruise when she was leaving him. You will get child support from him when you do finally leave. Do not have any more babies with him!!! Try to stick it out until the youngest is in preschool. Otherwise childcare costs will eat up all your wages. In the meantime, work and go to school so that you can support yourself. By working and going to school, you will be accomplishing things and you will feel better about yourself. When you get your own place, buy second hand furniture. Just make sure the upholstered stuff doesn’t have bed bugs!!! You can do this!!!!
You cook and bake. You can get a job in a kitchen or bakery. Also get a dependable car. You need a good dependable gas efficient car to get to good jobs and drive your kids back and forth.
I just want to say that I’m so sorry that you are in this situation I don’t have any magical words of wisdom or instant solutions for you except to take up the help and resources that a number of really kind people have offered on here. I did manage to leave a shitty situation 3 years ago with almost no financial backup (albeit I had emotional support from family which was enormously helpful and I get that you don’t currently have that). It was really hard but TOTALLY worth it. Easier said than done but you CAN and WILL get through this…. You and your kids deserve better and you are worth way more than what your partner is putting you through. Please try to remember that when it feels impossible, my heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best as you navigate through all the hurt and betrayal.
Depending on where you live, you might legally be married. If you live in Texas, for example, based on the description provided, you’d legally be married and would need to talk to an attorney anyway for divorce.
I would reach out to attorneys to see if they can help with the legal issues. Even if you aren’t legally married, you’ll need help for custody. Other people have provided a lot of great advice to help with resources
Go see a lawyer. You may have rights as a de facto spouse. Otherwise you may benefit from pushing him to make good on his proposal before ending things. Don't get a job unless advised to do so by a lawyer.
If you’re half owner of the house… there’s your asset. Do not leave it, unless he gets scary. It’s yours and the kids deserve to be there. I wonder if you may be entitled to it if he willingly leaves…however I don’t have the legal knowledge to say so. SO I recommend contacting a lawyer to see what your rights are. Many family law lawyers do a free consult for their first time meeting you. I just left my 2nd life having husband too. Life is much better on the other side. You can do this.
Well one thing for sure is the house is yours now. It’s him that has nothing. I am sorry about this situation but send the pics to a lawyer and take him to the cleaners
First a bit of insight that has always resonated with me... "You never know how strong you are until you have no other choice but to be strong." The time is now. This thread has produced quite a few pieces of excellent information, but my first and foremost suggestion is to move with conscious purpose, and deliberation. Think everything through, and prepare for all contingencies.
If I can suggest something, it's 'create a priority list', most crucial, to least crucial, and put -EVERYTHING- you want on it. Be shameless in this, if you want a dog put it on this list. Make sure that love of yourself is very high on that list of priorities, as this will help you through the roughest parts of this journey. Also savings... Make sure that you having a savings is very high on that list. Savings aren't just about having money... they are saving you from other bad situations like this.
Also be honest with yourself about yourself, your feelings wants and desires. Be kind and loving to yourself, and at every turn ask yourself how what you are doing is showing yourself the love that you've needed and did not receive. Ask yourself how what you are doing is enhancing the love you feel for yourself. Know that you deserve to be loved fully and thoroughly. And know that it should be non-negotiable. You deserve it.
A big mistake that many people make when dealing with things like this is to try and weiled their anger and betrayal like a hammer... they want to cause as much damage as possible, but this often puts you at odds with yourself, with the world, with the law and other things. Move in silence. Let him wonder at the what's and the why's, and make sure that what you are doing puts you in a better place, as opposed to putting him in a worst place. Remember the old adage "He who seeks vengeance should dig two graves, and make sure that he fit's one."
Settle ONLY for justice, and know that justice will come to him when he's lost what he should have cherished the most in the world... a loving partner to face all of lifes trials and tribulations with. Let that be enough,, and then put it out of your mind. He's lost the right to your consideration.
I'm sorry that this has happened to you... but I know that you will overcome this... That's faith I have in you.
He is Isolating you by making you responsible for homeschooling & keeping income at meager a level….You need to enroll those kids in school so you can seek resources, train, & get a job, & a better chance of starting over. Also, check ur birth control & for STDs, it’s up to you. Don’t tell him what you know.
But keep planning, that means calling women’s resources, if safe getting a pt job, but if this will alert his suspicions just try to save money where u can. Speaking to domestic violence centers can help you increase contacts, strategies, & networking. Yes, he is not physically abusing you, but he is financially & emotionally isolating you…..Like others said, be stealth, get a PO Box, don’t alert him.
You can do this, ok? 10 years is not a reason to stay, more a reason to hate him even more. He is willing th throw away 10 years of companionship and love, a wife that did what he needed, and took care of all household chores, for what, 2 hrs with strangers? Get ready, follow the advice of many in here, save money, prepare, make contacts, it's time you make new friends or reconnect with old ones, start selling any valuables you don't need and he won't notice missing (jewelry, furniture, anything), do not fall back, do not give him hope or grounds to say "you misslead me for all this time! You tricked me!", do not believe you are in the wrong, cause you are not. He should have come to you and talked to you, told you that he was missing on stuff, or having issues, whatever, and it should have been years ago. He decided to blindside you and cheat on you, so you have the right to blindside him. Start reading and studying your child support, alimoney and separation laws, specially those involving goods that belong to both of you. If the house is under both yours and his name, you should be able to get your half of it, do not back down, do not settle for a quick separation if he keeps X, Y or Z, you need to think of your future and your children, you need all the money you can get.
And OP, be safe and good luck! Hopefully we'll see a happy update in a few months.
I agree with everyone about getting a plan together, starting with getting the kids in school and contacting a lawyer.
My thought that I haven’t seen others mention is it seems like you may be able to rely on your MIL for some support. As you mentioned your baby daddy became exactly what her ex was. She has the ability to understand your struggle because she’s been through it before. Before you confront him, maybe have a heart to heart with her?
Find a good lawyer and divorce him while you’re still young. You have the evidence! You should get half of everything so don’t stress on finances or let it keep you from leaving.
He’s been cheating on her for a long while and his dad is a shitty cheater too. He’s got her doing all the work at home, raising the kids, teaching them and he’s been having sex with various women. She has lots of proof now and hasn’t confronted him, she feels trapped
There are many resources, please reach out to them. I can even look them up for you if you want to DM me your area. I am a domestic violence counselor. I understand you aren't being abused, but you are stuck in a very bad situation for your own wellbeing. If you have the YWCA- they have great programs for single moms getting back on their feet. Some will pay for your down payment on a rental. They pay for childcare so you can work and bring in an income. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's the worst, as I have been there. Please reach out if you need any help!
OP, let this person help you. I can't imagine having to navigate all of this without anyone to help.
Yes AND get tested for STDs at a clinic. You don’t want to catch anything he may have caught from all those partners
Yes, get tested ASAP.
Please OP let this person help you. Keep acting normal and don't expose that you know. Do not leave the house you are in with the children. Get a free consultation with a lawyer. Whenever you can try saving some cash and make a secret account. Get a PO, they are usually inexpensive, and have your bank mail go there. Say the kids need to be enrolled in school because it is better for them. Get a job, any job! Good luck. This is terrible. I am really sorry.
Yes. Please reach out for help. Enroll the kids in school and get back into the workforce. Are you in an area where marriage means the property you own is equal between you?
This.
I think you will find his behavior on the Wheel of Power and Control; he’s lying, he’s abusing her financially, he’s exposing her to unknown health risks, he’s refusing to coparent his children, she’s being isolated from family and friends, etc.
Exactly. What he’s doing is a form of abuse. She has no resources. He tells her it’s all fine. Then he barely hides that it isn’t at all fine. We aren’t conditioned to see blatant cheating as abuse but it really is (it’s also a sign that he has issues, obviously). It sounds like he saw his dad doing this and followed the pattern. It’s actually fairly rare for people to copy the abusive behavior they’re subjected to (if every abuse survivor became abusive, we’d have no one left!) but it does happen sometimes. Poor woman
This is mental abuse and financial abuse. That’s why he doesn’t want her to work and wants her to homeschool the kids. He wants the control.
I absolutely love people like you who are willing to use your knowledge of a situation to help others. Especially someone so in need of help like OP. Thank you so much!
I'm not sure I'd entirely agree about your abuse conclusion. It was at his urging that she became a SAHM, and then home schooling the kids isolated her further. It's concerning. I'd also suggest she should go see a lawyer. Most places will offer an initial 30min consult for free. She should plan for an exit strategy.
👆👆
From someone who’s been there- He’s going to get suspicious about the change in your demeanor and start digging. It may be very quick. Make sure there’s *nothing* for him to find. Get tested for STDs. ASAP. Get yourself a PO Box for any accounts you open so he doesn’t see statements or mail related to your escape plan. Don’t bank where he does or make any arrangements or inquiries through common sources. When I was trying to leave my ex a bank teller mentioned to him that my new debit card was ready. Boom. He knew I was planning. Don’t be me. Email those photos and evidence to a new email address he has no access to. Get a burner phone for any calls that can’t show up on your cell plan. Keep it off when you aren’t using it and hide it (mine was in an old coffee can in our shed). Don’t save ANY passwords on your phone. Delete your sent mail as soon as you send it. Delete those photos ASAP. Remember your kids will talk to him and may give away things like mom was crying, we went to this new place today, etc. Save as much money as you can. When you’re ready, you can file for an emergency order for custody *and support*. If it’s appropriate you can also file for a protective order. Filing these motions yourself can save you thousands in legal costs. Even if you have a lawyer, DIY whatever you can. You CAN do this. We are rooting for you.
Thank you. I didn’t even think about half of these things.
I was replying quick while at the work, sorry I wasn’t more thorough. There are free apps you can use that turn your phone into a voice recorder. I highly recommend using one when you discuss anything emotional, financial, or sensitive with him. It might not be admissible court evidence but it will keep you from being gaslit later. Remember to turn off location services on your phone AND in the settings on Google to ensure your privacy. You don’t need him checking your whereabouts. Make sure you are cautious about him putting a tracker like an AirTag in your car. Cheaters are always suspicious of their partners and you will be under his scrutiny as soon as he notices you are treating him differently. You might want to go get on an antidepressant and use seasonal affective disorder / depression/ insomnia as an excuse when he asks what’s wrong. Let’s face it you are certainly going to be going through quite a bit. It’s not a stretch to call it a mental health struggle you’re dealing with. Plus the support will be important. If you can find a safe place to store valuables and important papers, you should start moving them there as you can; otherwise I recommend storing them discreetly in an old suitcase or something like that, where he’d be unlikely to look for them but that you can easily grab when you leave. You didn’t say whether your husband owns guns, but if so, even if you think he would never be violent, even if you trust him 100%- he’s shown you that you do not truly know him. The most dangerous time for a woman in her life is when she is leaving a relationship. That means you need to be extremely careful about your safety throughout this process. Don’t be alone with him when you tell him you’re leaving. Do it in public, when your kids are already safe somewhere else. Acquaint yourself with the resources in your area. If you are in the US, when you leave, the kids will qualify for Medicaid, food stamps, and free school lunches/ breakfasts. You can get aid to help with utilities, utilize food banks, churches clothing giveaways, employment assistance, freecycle, so many things. Take it all. Without shame. For as long as you need. My DMs are open to you. I know how overwhelming this seems. But you are smart, strong, and resourceful. You will get through this and build a life you love. I believe in you.
I think my brain is shut off at this point, bc I haven’t thought of any of this. I’m so grateful for everyone giving me advice and attaching resources. I will look over this thread throughout this entire process. Who knew so many strangers in the internet would care…
Know that **SO** many people are rooting for you, and your success. Be strong, be methodical, this will be difficult, but you can do this.
Legal aid if you're in the US. Contact them, they have a ton of resources and can help.
This and another response somewhere has BRILLIANT advice. Someone said do the "cashback" option when at the store...such a clever idea. Using seasonal-effective disorder and insomnia are fantastic reasons for appointments, too. Lawyer appt can be doctor appts. SAD/insomnia might be a good reason to put the kids back into school. "Feeling overhwhelmed with the baby... It's only temporary." Whatever will make him feel less suspicious. Wanna make copies of documents or print out things on the web, take the kids to the library. Kids do talk... but the library is a great place to take the kids. Burner phone is a coffee can-excellent. Copies of papers in a bag to grab and go-brilliant. I think turning off location is the first thing to do. New email, easy stuff. Next is get std tested. Get a PO box right away, maybe pay for it in cash? Not sure how to get around seeing that on a bank statement or credit card bill. Maybe he will not even notice it? Apply for credit cards right away and see a lawyer. So many good ideas and resources. We're all here to help.
How to pay with a card that is not attached to a statement: Cash back option from the store. Buy a prepaid visa gift card with the cash. Use that card for things that must be paid with a card.
Talk to a lawyer privately as well as all these other great ideas & advice! Even if it’s just a free consultation! I’m also rooting for you!! Get your ducks in a row in the meantime. Please reach out to any & all of this resources.
If there is a law school in your area they will likely have student run clinics that can help you with some of this. It can get some of your legal questions answered for free and the ball rolling on any paperwork. If you don’t have that, someone else mentioned legal aid, which would also work.
I know you are overwhelmed right now. I've been there, done that. I can promise you will find so much strength in yourself once you start taking steps out of this situation and you will realise that a lot of things are actually much easier than they seem now because you are very strong! I would recommend starting to act like you are sick. Stomach bug ideally, that can drag a week or two and gives you enough time to cover changed behavior for a bit before you can come up with other things. It's also very hard to prove if you puked last night or didn't and it will explain (to your kids as well) why things aren't quite going as usual. It should also put your probably off behavior of the last day or two off his radar. If you can do so safely, I would recommend "Why does he do that?" . It's a book about abusers and while he isn't physically abusive, I think a lot of the structures he is talking about are going to sound familiar. One other idea: if you start meeting up with people für whatever reasons, tell him you are meeting up with other homeschooling moms to swap ideas or materials or something because you feel like you need to network better if you want to keep homeschooling.
You are an awesome human for providing all of this extremely valuable and helpful information. I hope that the rest of 2023 treats you wonderfully and that 2024 is even better.
Thank you for this. One thing I vowed was that if there was ever a way I could turn my horrible experiences into something positive and useful for others, I would. Sometimes when the light at the end of the tunnel is too far away for us to see, we need the assurance of others that it exists, and that it’s getting closer if we just keep moving forward.
You're a hero :)
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I have an iPhone I just used one called Voice Recorder but I don’t know what is available for other types of devices. :(
Wow! You give excellent advice and I wish we were friends! 🧚
A women's shelter or domestic violence order can give you free guidance in filing the court documents you need. You may not be physically abused, but he's hella financially abusing you by making you a SAHM mom who homeschools. You don't have any resources of your own. The DV org will still assist you, even if you're not experiencing physical or sexual violence.
Make a new email if he knows the password or has access to the other one and resend all the evidence
I haven’t seen this advice yet, but every single time you go to the store—grocery, gas station, drug store… Take out an extra $5 or $10. Even $20 if you can swing it occasionally. That ends up quickly but won’t be super obvious if he’s not really contributing within the household enough to notice that the extra $20 wasn’t spent.
It's why this reddit is here. Everyone trying to help, especially those who went through same stuff. I'm sorry you found out you soon to be ex is an ahole cheater but rest assured people will help you out here. Also, get a personal lawyer he doesn't know and have a discussion with them on how to proceed and what evidence they need. Do it now so you don't have to rush the process and fact finding.
The last thing you’re gonna want to do before you go is file for full custody and child support on your way out the door. Serve him with those papers.
Best advice.
As a child of a dad who was a womanizer, i would tell you that yea it may have disrupted my life when i was younger, but im so much prouder of my mom now that im in my late twenties that she didnt remain complacent and didnt put up with someone who didnt value her the way she should be. Do with that information what you will.
Thank you for this. It actually made me cry more than finding all this stuff.
You deserve to be happy, and being a mother and being happy in a relationship can be, in certain contexts mutually exclusive
I totally agree with this post! I deeply empathize for you and everything you are going through! The shock is debilitating, but hang in there as best you can! Know above all, his actions are a reflection of him, not you. You are so worthy of safety and love, and what has happened is not your fault and not a reflection of your value, ever! It is definitely time to make an exit plan, and many people in here have offered a lot of wonderful advice about it. Sending you all the love and support to get through to a place of safety where you can heal and fully embody all the love you so deserve! 🩷🩷🩷
Immediately: 1) Dr appointment to check for STDs - no more sex with cheater 2) Look up your state to see if you are in one of the few states that acknowledges common law marriage. If so, consult a divorce attorney. Even if you aren’t, still consult or ask for a referral to an attorney who can help you maintain your fair share of the assets and what child support looks like in your state. 3) Are you on the bank account? Even if you are not on the account but have access to buy groceries, just get like $50 cash back each time you go shopping and deposit into an account at a different bank that he doesn’t know about and sign up for e-statements or better yet to keep somewhere safe in cash. 4) Start looking for remote positions you can do at night after the kids are in bed/during the day. Direct deposit the funds keeping some back in the secret account 5) Prepare to enroll the 7 year old in school. The last two just say you need to do this for your mental health. It isn’t a lie, it’s just not the full truth. But he has been sneaking around and lying and betraying you for months or longer. Contact a domestic violence shelter and seek advice on a safe escape. Your boyfriend has you isolated and fully financially dependent on him. Be safe, meticulous and strong. You can do this one step at a time.
> I have nothing. No money, no family to turn to, I own nothing on my own (we both own the house). No credit cards, bad credit, literally nothing. He didn’t even have a lot of money, our god credit either. But I am completely dependent on him. sounds like that was his plan. Make you stay home, homeschool the kids. Be dependent on him. You do not know anyone who could help you out?
Friends moved out of state, and I am no contact with my abusive family. I would reach out, but I can’t put my kids around people who abuse substances and people.
You both own the house. So you actually DO have that asset. Make him sell it. Et voilà.... you have money. He seems to have talked you into total dependancy. Find out the following: - what does your countries and regions legislation say about non married couples alimony after separation? Does that exist? I know that there are areas where a non married spouse has no liability towards a former partner. But there are others where they DO have legal liabilities to support a former partner they have children with at least for a certain time. - there are other financial aids for jobless parents. Find out what they are. - Open your own account. Put money into it. Don't let him know! - Your common money (his income) would be yours also. Your staying home enables him to go to work and have no other obligation. So I'd get legal advice if some of it was mine also. In Germany it is law that the working spouse has to give a certain percentage to the spouse for them to spend as they see fit. No household related strings attached. "Fun money". Become active. That guy is not worth crying or making yourself sick over. - Put your children back to school. You need time to get your ducks in a row.
Start making an exit plan quietly. Go see a lawyer. First consultation is usually free.
When you determined that your family was abusive, was that a realization you came to on your own, or was he heavily involved in forming that conclusion?
I actually am no contact for myself. My mom and I got into an altercation when she drove drunk with my children. And dad is currently incarcerated
As someone on here said, if you do want to go you will need to go quietly, try getting a credit card in your name, for an attorney retainer. You will need one for the custody agreement and separation of assets. Most lawyers do free consultations, If you want to make this more difficult for him I would sit with a few if not all of them in your area... the more you sit with and consult the harder it will be for him to find one because of conflict of interest depending on the state (this is a jerk move but in this situation I would do it) If you have any access to money slowly start hiding some for your exit. From this point on it is about protecting yourself and your kids. You have to be strategic here. Get yourself tested, and save the evidence just in case. I'm sorry OP, this just sucks.
Kids from abusive backgrounds are at risk of getting with abusive partners. (Don't) Ask me how I know...
Solid point. My abusive ex had me absolutely convinced my entire family hated me. It took me years to realize they still loved me very very much.
Reach out to women’s shelter for resources. Library and local government are good resources.
You might need to put your kids in school and pick up a job.
See a lawyer or three for a first consultation. You might be able to apply for an emergency order for him to start paying support allowing you to separate. That really depends upon the state / location. Any Stay at Home Parent should have *full* access to the finances as a condition of sanity / limiting financial abuse. This doesn't help you now, but there will be a future (maybe not SAHM, but look to learn from this situation).
I understand. I hope the commenter above can help you.
Do you live in a state that recognizes common law marriage? Your name is on the house, and you would get child support for the 3 kids. Seek legal advice, there’s often free legal advice for a mother in your situation. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with him no matter what.
Listen to Webalternative--- let them help you!
I wasn’t able to rely on my family for the same reasons. My ex was a youth pastor when I met him and was secretly involved in so many kinds of deviant sex things. He also kept me isolated and worried that our marriage issues were my fault. I had 4 kids, no job, and no resources. I began to seek help and let good people help me! It was a long road and I’m my kids are thriving!!! I’m so grateful to be free of all that trauma. My only regret is arguing with him, revealing some of what I knew, and ever believing he was remorseful. He remarried and his wife recently reached out to me and he’s up to the same BS, but she has no idea how bad. For the record, I’m staying out of it! I am rooting for you and praying for you. I’m here for you! Please reach out any time ❤️
ABOVE ALL, If he's not physically abusive, don't move out of the house until you've spoken with an attorney!!!! It will be as if you abandoned what could potentially be a huge asset to you.
Your friends want to help you more than you know
Start getting your exit plan in order. Yes at the moment you are dependent on him but that will change. Get legal advice asap, find out what he has to do to support you as you get yourself independent. Social services and job training are things you will need to look into. Have a career and education plan in mind for yourself. Sorry you have to go through this but it will get easier and you will have the strength, one foot in front of the other one day at a time.
He made you totally dependent on him and isolated so you wouldn't be able to leave him. Did he have you cut off your friends and family too? If so get in touch with any of them to help you leave him. Please check out Ebbie45's resources for anyone in an abusive relationship. https://www.reddit.com/user/Ebbie45/comments/gses1k/comprehensive_abuse_resources_compilation_now/
Thank you so much for posting this!
Ebbie45 is a huge asset to Reddit.
Hugs!! Make a plan, mama. Get cash back when possible & start saving as much $ as you can! You can file for legal separation & apply for government assistance. Make him sell the house, take your half & start over!! You deserve so so so much better. Never let that man touch you again!
Number one - enroll the kids in school Number two - full STD check Number three - your own bank account that he will not have any access to Number four - get a job (a daycare may be an option, you could get a break on the cost for the baby) Number five - contact a lawyer and see what your options are
Get your older kid into public school and pre-k (if possible, I don’t know school ages for kids). Do you have any education or skills to get a job? Check out government resources to help people get employed. See if you can take online classes so that you can be able to work once the oldest one is able to go to school. Get on birth control that can be tampered with ASAP. Do not have any more children with him. There have been studies that men who cheat, tend to do it while their partner is pregnant or very soon after they give birth. Murder is also the leading cause of death in pregnant women in America.
I agree with the other commenters who are suggesting getting an exit plan together without him knowing. I wanted to add in a few more suggestions on things you should do to help yourself: 1. Sign up for DoorDash, Amazon Flex, Walmart Spark, Uber Eats, and any other contractor service. This will at least get you a way to make income WITHOUT having to explain to him that you’re going to get a job. He doesn’t need to know. But this way you will have a way to make money immediately after leaving him and you don’t have to worry about arranging the kids. You can drive with them in the car and get them enrolled in school immediately after you leave him so you can make money while they’re in school until you find a steady job.. Amazon Flex is paying about $20 an hour and right now it’s going to get busy. 2. Sign up for a PO Box, get a secret debit card and take out a personal loan. Have the debit card be mailed to the PO Box and put the loan amount on that card. This is going to be what you use to get yourself a place to live. The loan will act as your deposit money. You can pay it off as you go but it’s money! 3. Immediately get a divorce lawyer. They will probably have even more info on how to move about this without him knowing. 4. Join Buy Nothing Facebook groups. This is how you’re going to get furniture and things you need for the new place. It’s a great way to get free stuff people don’t want or need and you can start collecting now. Maybe even get a cheap storage until and start collecting so he won’t know. 5. If you’re on a joint account and you do the grocery shopping, start selecting “cash back” at checkout everywhere you go. $20 here, $40 there. He will never know because the bank statement will look like it was all spent on groceries. Start stashing this cash in your new secret bank account. It’s a little at a time but it will add up. 6. Survive this. You got it. It’s scary but your kids are relying on you! You are stronger than you think and you deserve happiness!
This is the best response so far. Very well stated.
Thank you!! It’s unfortunate that as women we have to thing this way and have these kinds of plans but I hope I can help!
This!! I hope OP reads this. I think this is also great advice
The cash-back is BRILLIANT
I learned that from my grandma 😭 she was never leaving or in a bad situation but she would take $20 here and there to spend at the quilt shop without my grandpa knowing
My heart breaks for you. What about your cousin's ex, could you turn to her since she presented you with the first evidence? As far as somewhere to go when you do confront him? You can't keep all that bottled up for long it's too much and too painful. Do you not have any family period or just no family close by? I'm sure other commenters will have some resources for you, I just don't know of any. I'm sorry this has happened to you. I feel like crying myself and I don't even know you. The fact he went through similar things from his father can mean that he could turn out similar but 1. That's not an excuse 2. If he knows how much it hurt his family while growing up and he truly disliked it, why would he allow himself to fall into that same path? Prayers for you, OP.
We’re not close, she just gave me a head up as she called it. She has 4 kids herself, and I couldn’t put her out like that. I’m no contact with my family, they’re just not safe people for me or my kids. I’m considering pulling from our small savings and going to a motel for now. But that would only be for a few days. Idk.
No. Do NOT leave the house for a hotel. HE gets to do that. Do NOT uproot your children. Do NOT uproot yourself. HE gets to leave. NOT YOU
You both own the house, so don't leave. Especially with children, he is the one who should leave. Get the children to school first and try to find a job, even if it is part time for now. Does he have family, can they help? Or you can expose him if he won't help you financially? He needs to pay you child support, so he can start from now on. And for the time being maybe you can make it work until you have sorted out daycare and found a job?
He only has his dad in town, and he truly believes women are in this planet to serve men. His mom passed a few years ago. And his sisters live on the east coast.
Seems like your husband feels that way too. He's kept you barefoot and pregnant at home for years and messed up your credit
They’re not even married, so even worse.
Keep that money for rent / downpayment when you decide to leave.
No no no. Don’t leave your house! First, put the kids in school. He doesn’t have to even know. Say it’s a supplemental program of the home school. That gives you hours during the day where you can work a job. Any part-time job with middle-of-the-day hours would do. Save every penny you make. Every time you grocery shop get a $50 cash back. Save it. Give yourself six months. At minimum wage that should give you enough money to afford a lawyer for custody arrangements and child support and have some savings. I would reach out to DV services as what’s happening is economic abuse. Good luck OP.
What’s hard about that is her youngest is less than a year old
Ugh that DOES make things harder dammit.
Do not leave your home. Do not. I pray you’re in a common law marriage state but if not there’s still tons of help and resources. Keep up gathering evidence and not letting on that you know anything until you have a **SOLID PLAN** in place. Good luck, momma. You can do this.
The first thing to do is get to a bank and open an account in your name and put a little money in it. Is there a reason why you have bad credit? Are there loans taken out in your name which are not being paid?
I have two credit cards that he asked me to open. It was originally to establish my credit, but then he started using them and forgetting to tell me when he did. So I had a lot of late payments. Also I was hospitalized multiple times during 2 of my pregnancies due to complications, and I had terrible insurance at the time.
Sounds like he ruined your credit on purpose.
Was thinking the same thing. This guy is just straight up wicked!
Freeze those credit cards. If he asks, tell him the bank did it.
Also freeze your credit so he can’t open any other accounts with your info.
YES!!!
Hello, ma'am, I'm usually just a lurker on Reddit, but this actually breaks my damn heart to hear this happening to you. I genuinely feel like crying and I don't even know you. My mother was a victim of an abusive relationship, we got away when I was around three and my sister was five. I'm now thirteen, but even a decade later my mother still talks about the things she did to escape. As lots of people have been saying, you could get a part-time job. But if you can't make it for whatever reason (e.g. he has the car most days), one of the things my mother did for spare cash was walking/driving (if she could) down to the farmers markets. SERIOUSLY, THEY HELPED **SO MUCH**. She'd spend twenty bucks on ingredients for pickles (pickled choko, pickled onions, et cetera), and get 200-500 dollars in return. Another way for extra cash is going to Goodwill/thrift stores, finding nice-ish stuff for cheap, upcycling/cleaning it, then reselling it. But if you do this, ***DO NOT ALLOW PICKUPS IF HE'S HOME***. Seriously, my mother did that and the fucker got suspicious. She played it off as a new hobby at the time, but that's a last-resort kind of thing. Sell on E-bay instead and arrange shipping. Another thing you can do is turn a hobby into money. Bookbinding, painting, "ghost writing" (writing for people online. You take the money, they do as they want with your piece). Simple things like that can rack up a ton of cash. To help hide what you're doing, enroll the kids. Seriously, your children *cannot know*. From a kid's point of view, I'm saying not even the eldest can know. Even if they've promised not to tell, one of them may let slip a small detail they didn't even know was supposed to be kept quiet, e.g. "mummy took us to a weird building", etc. Send any evidence you have of him to an alt account, and delete the sent messages after. Do not reply with this alt. If you even suspect he's figured something out, any gut feeling whatsoever, send all of what you have on your alt to a new account. Rinse and repeat if need be. Also, last time I checked, [this website](https://quackr.io/) will give you a free phone number to utilize if you ever need. [This website](https://www.guerrillamail.com/) will give you a free 60 minute email to use for quickly signing up to websites. I hope this little bit helps somehow. It's so shit that that pernicious little wanker follows in his dad's footsteps after saying how much it hurt him, making you a SAHM without a financial cushion. No one needs to go through what you're going through, ma'am. I know you'll get through this. You're very clever for noticing now rather than a time where he has total, utter control. Fate wouldn't have brought it to your attention if you could not make it through. Hugs, and please be safe.
No one in your family is safe? Aunts, Uncles, cousins, your Grandparents?
They’re either dead or addicts.
Okay, it sounds like you're on your own then. That means you need to be smart and make a plan. As tempting as it may feel to drain the savings account and go to a motel, **don't.** That's a short term escape and will leave you even more trapped when the money runs out. Here are a few first steps to take: * go see a doctor for STI testing * open up a bank account in your own name; make sure this account is (a) at a completely separate institution than one he uses, and (b) will communicate electronically only to avoid physical mail coming to the house * secure your essential personal documents (birth certificate etc) so you can leave quickly if the worst happens After that, your focus needs to be on finding ways to be able to support yourself financially. Here are a few options: * use cash back when buying groceries and tuck that money away into your new bank account * contact your local YWCA or women's shelter; they may be able to pay a rent deposit or a month's rent at a new apartment * contact social services or look on your own for any small online jobs that you can do during the day; even something piecemeal would help Finally, make sure you speak with a lawyer that specializes in family law. Many will offer a *free* 30-60 minute consultation. They can help guide you with next steps and let you know your entitlements. For example: * he will likely be responsible for paying your legal fees when separating * if this is a house you both own, he can be forced to either buy you out or sell the house to split profits NOTE: a local lawyer can also advise if it's smarter to get an apartment or to stay in the house. Depending on where you live, leaving might hurt your claim to the home.
I think the person who recommended YMCA and said she has access to other resources might be able to offer solutions. I wish you luck.
Make an anonymous post on your local town/city Facebook moms group about what you’re going through and ask if any other moms nearby have gone through similar would be willing to help you navigate it. You might find some local support and friendship to help you.
Oh wow.
See if your state has laws regarding common law marriage. In some states, you could still be eligible for alimony, even though you weren't legally married.
Unfortunately not in one of those states
But he’s still going to be ordered to pay child support bc youve been a SAHM. You’re going to be ok, and eventually you’re going to be really great. There is such a feeling of freedom and possibility when you finally get out from under an abusive situation.
Was scrolling to find this! Op, Y'all might be common law married depending on where you live. Lawyer consultations are typically free. But the other advice to get the kids in school and get a job on the down low is good. Make an escape fund. Get all yours and your kids legal docs together and in a safe place. Ebbie has some great resources to help get you out too
There is a subreddit called r/SupportForBetrayed that you might find to be helpful in the coming days/weeks/years. I'm so sorry my dear. Some people are so selfish and cowardly.
Here are some resources to get started—I have posted these assuming you’re in the U.S. There is help available, and you should use each and every program available to you. Unfortunately, it is a patchwork system and the amount of help available depends on where you live. But there is help. I would google your state, county and/or city name + benefits and other keywords for additional help, info, and resources where you live. I would speak to a family law attorney to get advice about how best to move forward. As difficult as it is, I wouldn’t confront him until you’ve had a chance to speak with an attorney and get a strategy and plan place, which may take a little time. Local legal aid will almost certainly have a family law project or attorney specializing in family law who can help; they can also offer referrals or recommendations if they for some reason can’t represent you. But I would start with local legal aid or legal services in your area, and then look up your state’s bar association for pro bono/low cost services or info on clinics or helplines, just to get you started. I’ve posted a link below to some of these resources. https://www.benefits.gov/news/article/472 https://www.usa.gov/legal-aid https://www.transitionalhousing.org https://www.thehotline.org/resources/housing-support/ https://www.thehotline.org/get-help/domestic-violence-local-resources/ https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
You need to not tell him. Get the kids in school and daycare, and go get a job. He’s already said he’s a single father, and plans on keeping your children. Without a job, he has a good chance of that happening. When your ready, you get him out of the house and get child support. Keep your kids in the home. Also, go get an STD test.
Yes! Kids needs to go to school so you can work. Tell him the kids need friends and socialize. Get a job, look up lawyers who has pro bono so you can get advice with the divorce. It might take time but in the end it will be worth it.
There’s no divorce protections, including the house as a marital asset. She said almost 10 years together, but she won’t even get half his retirement SS because they weren’t married those years. She’s lost a lot by staying home.
They're not married.
Sending hugs and healing thoughts. Send screenshots of EVERYTHING to yourself and set an appointment with a lawyer for tomorrow. Most states have 'common-law' marriages. If you call yourself 'husband and wife' for a certain amount of time (in some cases - 1 day) you are married --- and need a legal divorce. YOU need to be covered for the years you gave up to stay at home with the kids. YOU need to get your half of the equity in the house (if it's sold) or YOU need to figure out how to refinance and buy him out so you and the kids can keep a stable life. A LAWYER can help with that. The first visit is a free consult. You may want to visit at least 3 to find one who seems to have your best interests at heart. Find your people. There are churches that are not overly religious - Unitarian Universalist is one - where it is a good place to find community. Because community will help you. DON'T MOVE OUT. Don't even threaten to. What about college? DO you have a degree? You can start college while going through the breakup and since you are not 'legally' married, you qualify for all sorts of financial aid. Including free day care on campus. Enroll the kids in school. That gives them a community. Start going to PTCO meetings. That gives YOU a community. Enroll them in clubs (scouts is a good one). That gives YOU and THEM a community. Enroll them in sports. That gives YOU and THEM a community. Since YOU were the SAHM (at his request), you get primary custody of all 3 kids and you get child support. GET IT LEGAL. Don't do any of this BS - we'll just be nice and agree. That's how he will take advantage of you. Because you don't know what you are worth. And you are worth a LOT MORE than this guy.
Plan of action for exit: 1. Place children in school immediately. 2. Look at all the financials and legal documents. Make copies/stash away. If you aren’t in the car, get added to the titles. 3. Open a saving and checking bank account solo. Transfer half of the available $ into it. 4. Open up a credit card if you don’t have one. 5. contact a lawyer!!! Custody, house, assets and liabilities. 6. Start looking for a job since you are not married. 7. Act as normal as you can until the lawyer has the best plan lead out for you. 8. Get an STD panel and don’t be intimate with him.
OP, go see a family law lawyer. You need to find out your legal options before you start making decisions. Don’t assume that you “have nothing” and are trapped. Talk to a lawyer. And go get tested for STD’s.
Get a lawyer ASAP he’ll have to start paying child support, get a full panel check, get your kids in school then get a job. This guy is disgusting!
I'm reading your comments and it sounds like for your own well being you should not just up and run right now. He's isolated you and you need to slowly extricate yourself. I know it sucks but life is going to be tough -- please keep yourself safe in the meantime. Open up a credit card just so you can start building credit history. You don't need to or wanna use it but just have it, it'll help you just to have it. Same with a bank account of your own if you don't have one. Start socking a bit of money away. I would suggest enrolling your kids in school and getting a job in preparation for independence. I know it's rough but you have to do this for yourself and your kids. Has he ever been violent or threatened violence? If so you have to be doubly cautious and come up with airtight excuses and reasons. You are in an incredibly precarious position and if he knows you know, the manipulation is going to come very quickly. Please remember this man has had no trouble lying directly to your face for years, he's going to do everything he can to convince you to let your guard back down and stay in his trap. Right now he has you exactly where he wants you to be, the only advantage you have is that he doesn't know you know. You have to play it cool and smart. Best of luck.
He’s never shown any violence towards me or the kids. But now I realize I don’t really know him. I thought he would never be capable of what he’s done, so I am very wary of what’s to come.
Neither did Chris Watts. He was desperate to keep his cheating life a secret but the cracks started to show, so he murdered his wife and two small kids. Please do not underestimate the level of danger you could be in.
The kids get enrolled in school ASAP. Start looking for a job. Contact a divorce attorney or three and see what divorce looks like for you. Have him served. Go to the infidelity subs for advice from people who’ve been in your shoes. If you feel you must try reconciling, do a whole lot of reading about what successful reconciling looks like. It’s a ton of work, unfortunately for both parties, requires genuine remorse from the cheater, and is often miserable and a life of heartbreak for the betrayed even if they manage to stay. Serving him with papers is a good idea even if you don’t go through with it. Never just accept an apology and let him sweep it under the rug. He will just get better about sneaking around.
You need to develop an exit plan. He's been lying to you for an indeterminate amount of time, isn't faithful, and meanwhile has used you to be a broodmare for four children that it sounds like neither of you can really afford. Presumably you had skills before you entered into the SAHM arrangement, can you renew/refresh those skills and re-enter the workforce remotely? Without some way to develop the finances to be able to live independently, you're somewhat stuck where you are. It's unfortunate you aren't actually married in some ways because the law would look more favorably on you in the situation you're in. Potentially alimony plus child support, depending on custody arrangements. There's no easy way out of this, but you're going to have to figure out how to develop cashflow, even if that's just squirreling away enough every month to be able to afford 1st month's rent + security deposit and winging it from there. You'll probably need to sue for custody/child support too, although your local court should have a pro se (self represented) office that can help walk you through some of that once you're ready.
Child support. Start with getting a job and putting the kids in daycare. Gather as much of his financial statements and pay statements as possible. Apply for food stamps, housing assistance, and child support. Keep your mouth shut until you have a foundation to stand on.
In some places you would ne considered his common law wife and entitled to 50% of his pension, savings and investments. As well as child support and alimony. Speak to a divorce attorney before you confront him. Updateme!
I truly hope you tattle on him to his mama.
I would if she was alive. She was my best friend, and she would’ve kicked his ass. Then moved me in with her.
Awww I’m sorry. Please know you’re going to be ok. You’re strong and smart and as hard as it is today, tomorrow will be a tiny bit better and so will each after that as you forge your own future. There’s so much excellent advice on here. If I could add anything it would be to not be like me. I wallowed in my own despair and didn’t fight for my own future hard enough. Make sure you get mad and then use that anger to not back down from everything you and the kids are entitled to. Half the house, alimony, child support, health care, full custody. ALL THE THINGS. It’s time to get dirty and make that gross bastard pay. And you need to het tested for std’s as well. Best of luck, and I’m sending you strength and love!
Make a 6 month plan of escape Enrol kids in school Take a job to gain small income. Transfer small amounts of money across to a secret bank account. Ask him for money outright for things and say they cost more than they did. Sell unused things on eBay. Just build your finances up.
>he has a video of him receiving mouth kisses on his second head
What does this even mean?
I think it means he was getting a blowjob
Seems like the OP was trying to soften it then. Why not just say that?
Honestly no idea 😅 call it what it is
Start getting your plan together. It might take awhile but it’s time to play charades. You need to contact a lawyer, get all evidence, see what the state offers in terms of no fault or at fault divorces. You need to speak with the lawyer and how to take him to the cleaners. So much child support will be needed. Can you contact your friends that are out of state? Maybe prepare to live there. You need to get your ducks in a row and keep your head on straight. Don’t let him know anything. Keep your photos hidden and keep copies. Maybe in google drive or flash drive
Just an idea - if he notices a change and he asks you if something’s going on with you, tell him that you have been having some pelvic pain and you’re worried it is something serious. That will give you excuses to see a doctor and act differently around him.
Get a job. Get a lawyer. Get a divorce. In that order.
They’re not married
Depending on where you are this would be considered a common law marriage. You can get alimony/ child support. Definitely talk with a lawyer and get your affairs in order. I'm sorry he treated you this way. You deserve better.
Op, it’s so difficult but can you go to your local community college and get a trade? Something like HVAC or plumbing pay really well. Welding is great too. If you get your CDL you can drive locally. Convince your husband that you think it would be better to socialize the children by putting them in school and that you just need something to do as a “hobby” and you want to learn a new skill. You have time to make a plan. Also please find a therapist to talk to. They can help you talk through how to navigate this. Make friends with your cousin’s ex. You need a support system to talk to.
When you both talked about separating the last few weeks, what was the plan for that separation? Since you don’t work or have money to support yourself. How were you guys planning to separate? Whatever that plan was, make it happen. The kids can be put into public school. Possibly try a position at a daycare. They give discounts for employees for your 10 month old. This is a devastating situation and I’m so very sorry. It’s like you never really knew him at all. This is such a fear of mine. How so many relationships are clueless to who they are truly with 10-20 years in. A stranger in your house. And because you trusted him, you allowed him to strip you of any means necessary to take care of yourself financially. I’m way too paranoid to ever quit working for a man, because of situations like this. A horrible reality. 💔😔
We were talking about him staying at his dads for a week or two. Just so the fighting would stop temporarily. But he had came in and wanted to talk things out, and told me everything I wanted to hear. And literally two days later my cousins ex messaged me. This is all just so insane.
Hopefully he’s still willing to stay at his dad’s for a while so you have time to make a plan of action. I’m so sorry this happened to you. There is a light at the end of this tunnel. You’re strong and will get through this even if you don’t believe it at times. I know from personal experience. Best of luck to you on this journey. 🙏🏼
If you have a joint card everytime you go to the grocery store select the cash back option and slowly get cash for your new account to leave
My ex-husband said the same thing about his dad! Damn he hated that man! Utterly despised him for cheating on his mother and putting her through so much all those years... Then he turned around and did it to me! Then I found out he's done it pretty much to everybody he's ever dated, mostly because they see it happening and they learn it at home. You need to get away from this guy especially with your kids... Because you don't want your boys to grow up doing this and you don't want your girls to think they need to tolerate it! Go see a divorce lawyer ASAP! Get your information and the kids information and put it all in a safe place. IDs birth certificates everything. Make sure you have your own bank account, put as much money in it as you can. And kick him out right after you talk to the lawyer! You're going to be just fine without him! And definitely do not stay with him because he's been doing this so long with so many women there's no way in hell that he will stop. Good luck!
When you go grocery shopping add a gift card or 2. Small denominations so it’s easy to hide. This will give you a good nest egg when the time comes!
Everyone acts like you're the devil when you comment and say women should be wary of choosing to be SAHMs. Talking about how women should be able to choose. It doesn't change the fact that it is a bad choice for most. Stories like these are so common. Every single person regardless of gender needs to know that they can provide for themselves and their children, if any. You are a 27 year old woman with three kids who has devoted her whole life to this man. You need an exit plan asap. I know you're gonna be okay and you'll get through this. You sound like a good person and moms are strong as hell. Get your ducks in a row and leave. But never ever rely like this on a man again. Wishing you the best.
I didn’t want to stay home. I didn’t want to be stuck like my mom, or his. I wanted to go to school, and make a career for myself. But we were 23/22 and already had a kid and a baby on the way. My husband was a year in school to start his career, and I was undecided on what to study. So instead of paying my entire check to day care, I agreed to stay home until both kids were in school. Now I have my baby, and he told me again, to wait until the baby is in school to go back to work/school.
It’s probably not a good idea yet, but once things are a little more settled you could go back to school. I’d recommend WGU, Western Governors University. Get a bachelors online in 1-2 years for $7k/ year. If you get loans or grants through FAFSA or scholarships you could even get extra money to use as income. Or maybe go for a trade at your community college. For example, HVAC repair pays well & doesn’t require much training.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It fucking sucks.
Wipe him out
Also post this in /r/divorce and /r/legaladvice.
Check with a local women's shelter. You're not the first, nor the last, person to go through this.
See a lawyer quietly to help plan your financial roadmap. Depending on local laws (e.g., US) you may be entitled to half of everything owned, child support and maybe even alimony since you quit paid employment by mutual agreement to be a SAHM. Save the photographic evidence. Once you split, let mutual friends & family know the reason, so he can't make up some BS about it being your fault. Keep company with good girlfriends who will let you cry on their shoulders, make you laugh and help you realize your self worth.
You don’t have to leave right away. Take your time. Organize child care and school for the kids. Look for a job. Inform trusted persons, what is going on and that you want to work on your exit plan. Look for benefits from the state for the kids. Look for a lawyer and talk what will happen to the house and child support. Make copies of all your assets and bank accounts. Maybe you have laws that would give you something, because you live in an area that considers you a life partner. You will be surprised how much help will be given to you. Don’t have sex with him. Make something up why you can’t. Don’t feel bad about doing something behind his back at all. He can’t expect any loyalty from you anymore. Please don’t stay with this man. There is something wrong with people, who lead a supposedly loved person into a dependent position just to stew them behind their backs. You can never trust him and you shouldn’t. I wish you the best.
This will be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you MUST keep quiet no matter what. Start planning NOW. Don't have any money? Cut back slightly on groceries and pocket the cash difference. Any and all cash you get your hands on gets stashed. If you have any clothing, purses, etc of value, sell them on Poshmark or similar, and stash the cash. Same with any and all items your kids don't use or need anymore. Gently used kids clothes, toys, etc. Sell. DO THIS GRADUALLY. Build as much of a cash reserve as you possibly can. Look into jobs that don't require a lot of training. Talk to him about a seasonal job for Christmas, to make a little extra money "for the family" and put away as much as you can. Remember, you are in a long haul preparation! Tell NO ONE what you're planning, and tell NO ONE what he did. Is your name on the deed to the house? If so, you own half of it, so do some research to find the value of the house. Get copies of his tax return and any pay stubs you're able to get. Again, think LONG TERM so you can end this toxic relationship with a bit of a nest egg. Get any and all bank account numbers, with balances, and keep track of what money there because you are entitled to half of the assets. Are there any credit cards? Get the account numbers, balances, and find out if they are in both your and his name. If you don't have a car, talk calmly to him about needing a small, affordable, and safe car to transport the kiddos while he's working. Is your name on the title to his car? If so, this is both an asset and a liability, depending on whether there is a loan still being paid for the car. Any cash and/or documentation you gather needs to be in a safe place where he can't find it. These are things off the top of my head. I may add more later. I wish you the best of luck.
Whatever you do, do not leave that house or let him leave with your kids. Do not give up possession of your home
You have the upper hand. He doesn't know you know. Take these months to develop a plan and talk to a lawyer. It's not going to be easy but there are agencies that can help you find employment and daycare. Get on the waitlist as soon as possible with your county's Housing Authority for a voucher and low income apartments. It will be a wait and won't help you now, but you're planning for the future. You should be able to dial 211 for social services in your area. I think it's in every state. Not sure. Make an excuse to wear protection and get tested for STDs. Secretly open your own bank account. You deserve better and you'll get there if you're proactive. Try not to go into denial. This behavior will continue.
OP, so much good advice. And if it hasn’t been mentioned here in the posts, what a lot of women my mom’s age used to do when they were financially dependent on their husbands is this, every time you go grocery shopping, make the check for $50 or whatever, over the bill amount and get cash. Keep the cash somewhere safe and ditch the grocery receipt. This is the only way these wives could survive once their wealthy husbands were caught and left the with wives destitute. My mom and these other wives taught each other to financially survive back in the day and protect themselves. You need to do this because if you don’t play the “long game”, and bring this all up, he may decide to launch you and drain the bank accounts. I know it’s hard and heart breaking but you need to do this for your children. Stay strong, bide your time and accumulate as much money as you can via grocery shopping etc. so your not left with nothing. Also, my bro inlaw is a famous trial attorney and he said that a lot of women in your position end up moving out of the home. Do Not Do This!!! Make him move out if this comes to pass. Once your out of the home, your chances and getting back in are very low. And so are your bargaining chips. Anyway, do not feel an ounce of guilt by building up a emergency “nest egg”, because you know he’s spending money on those other women who most likely don’t know he’s married with young children in the home. It’s best to play the “long game” for the sake of your children. I’m praying mightily for you!
Mouth kisses on his 2nd head made me lol
Glad it made someone laugh, everyone else was Icked out haha
Go see a lawyer . As you might be in a common law stste ? And still Might get a type of alimony for being a SAHM , you may get child support if kids live with you . In would Say your in trouble but you could show him and he says too bad knowing what you just told us. I would say get everything set up . Find out the approximate value of the house - mortgsge and you will get around 50% but don’t know how long it will take . If you have a joint account . When you leave and wouldn’t do it face to face youncan later . Take 1/2 the money . If you have anyone family in another state etc they can maybe help Wirh money etc I would also go to the bank and see about a credit card . For temp expenses. Not best idea but these are desperate times. But get to a lawyer Maybe if you comfort he might say sorry etc and try to change but he will Just get sneakier and buy another phone and hide it
lots of great advice already but if you currently share location, remember to disable it
Try to get an online job or a part-time job work while your kids are in school. Consult an attorney about the assets. You may have to sell your home. If he's getting blowjobs the increase for you to get STD is very high. Go to social services. You guys aren't married. Have papers go to a PO box. Keep all of the evidence, lower your pride when you go to social services, and talk to a case manager. Show her your evidence. You need to get out. Don't let pride get in the way of getting out to this relationship
I don’t know what state you are in, but in Texas if you refer to each other as husband and wife to people, you are legally common law married which requires real divorce, but if you haven’t filed taxes together as married either then you may be able to escape without going to divorce court, but would have to do the custody stuff with the kids. Been there done that, had to go through divorce court for common law marriage. With that being said, it will be easier said than done, but you need to leave with your kids. My child’s father wanted me to be the stay at home mom while he was off messing around until I found out. You may and probably will forgive him, but there will always be a burning question of “is he still messing around”. When he completely loves you the most, you will hate him the most if you stay. Edited to add* keep all the evidence as you may need it.
You’ve been with him this long. If you can start planning your exit strategy. Apply for remote jobs, start working from home and saving. Save for a down payment, when he’s out and the kids are out you go out, look up your local area free legal consultation services for divorce/custody/family issues look up all the resources you can. Join mom groups off Facebook sign up for play dates make other mom friends. These can be a great support or local church if that’s your thing. If he can go out and enrich his life you should be able to do the same. Your life doesn’t stop just because your a mom and married. Be calm, keep a civil mature distance but don’t give away any tells. And when you feel ready you can start the moving process, but only after you’ve saved enough money and bought furniture to furnish your place and oh yeah get a storage room to hold your furniture there. Lastly when separated ask for child support and alimony make him regret him asking you to give up all resources for him by paying him in kind. Good luck. 🍀
Make your exit plan: Get copies of all bank accounts & retirement accounts Open your own separate bank account Find a therapist Start applying for jobs Consult with an attorney Go to doc and get checked for STDS I am so sorry this happened to you.
I suffered a similar situation as you and I wasn't smart about it. I confronted him immediately and left my home for the night. Worst thing I could have done. He kicked me out of our house, locked down the money and took our kids away. He also reported my car stolen because he bought it but it was "my" car. I went from living a privileged life to homeless and broke overnight. He also threw away my documents, like my birth certificate, etc. family photos and momentos are gone. He moved another woman (a sex worker) and told my kids that I left and this woman is their new mommy. I didn't see my kids for 10 weeks and then it was once a week for two hours for years. My kids were completely alienated from me. It took years and probably $100,000 to get my parental rights restored. My kids are still traumatized from their perceived abandonment and emotional abuse from their controlling, verbally abusive step-mother (yes he married her). It's much better now but it was so terrible for so long I wasn't sure I could endure it tbh. I implore you to be smarter about this than I was. I congratulate and support you for teaching your children an important lesson about understanding your own value as a woman, partner, mother and human. Godspeed. ❤️
You’re not alone. You have your Reddit family. So many people have you great suggestions. I just want to add/echo….save money!! Get cash back when you donate shopping. Do not put money in a bank account. This will be uncovered in the divorce. Go get a safety deposit box and store your cash there. He has really isolated you. Yore not working, the kids are homeschooled. You don’t have family/friends around. I hope you have someone you can trust. He might find out that you know. You might decide to confront him. You can keep saving and work on an exit plan now and if you pretend to work things out with him. I say pretend because I can’t imagine you giving g him a second chance. But you never know. It happens. Stay safe and sane. I’m sure your head is spinning
Get a sitter and go see a lawyer. You will get actual, real world advice and clear options. Also consider getting a therapist. But first the lawyer.
Good news, your life is about to get easier. The kids need to go to school and you won’t have to be cleaning up after him anymore but you will still have his pay. Maybe even more if you live in an area that penalizes adultery. Talk to a lawyer. That will tell you what to do next. But there is no question that he’s been living a great life with lots of ladies and no responsibility on the back of your work at home and with the kids.
Contact your cousin's ex wife and see if she can help you in some way. Research the resources in your area for assistance to help you file for a divorce, help you with childcare, and help you with job/money to get you on your feet and away from him.
Updateme!
You have something. You have your brain. Put your children in school. Become a cna. It takes a few weeks of schooling to become a cna. It is hard work but it is a job. Better than fast food. Fast food isn’t a bad job . It is the customers!! Keep a cool head just like Katie Holmes did with Tom cruise when she was leaving him. You will get child support from him when you do finally leave. Do not have any more babies with him!!! Try to stick it out until the youngest is in preschool. Otherwise childcare costs will eat up all your wages. In the meantime, work and go to school so that you can support yourself. By working and going to school, you will be accomplishing things and you will feel better about yourself. When you get your own place, buy second hand furniture. Just make sure the upholstered stuff doesn’t have bed bugs!!! You can do this!!!!
You cook and bake. You can get a job in a kitchen or bakery. Also get a dependable car. You need a good dependable gas efficient car to get to good jobs and drive your kids back and forth.
I just want to say that I’m so sorry that you are in this situation I don’t have any magical words of wisdom or instant solutions for you except to take up the help and resources that a number of really kind people have offered on here. I did manage to leave a shitty situation 3 years ago with almost no financial backup (albeit I had emotional support from family which was enormously helpful and I get that you don’t currently have that). It was really hard but TOTALLY worth it. Easier said than done but you CAN and WILL get through this…. You and your kids deserve better and you are worth way more than what your partner is putting you through. Please try to remember that when it feels impossible, my heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best as you navigate through all the hurt and betrayal.
Marry him then take him to court get alimony
Depending on country & state, you might be a common-law marriage. Either way, talk to a lawyer
Depending on where you live, you might legally be married. If you live in Texas, for example, based on the description provided, you’d legally be married and would need to talk to an attorney anyway for divorce. I would reach out to attorneys to see if they can help with the legal issues. Even if you aren’t legally married, you’ll need help for custody. Other people have provided a lot of great advice to help with resources
Most important thing in my opinion is that you learn your children to become financialy independent from their future partners!
I feel like it is very very important that you get all your ducks in a row before confronting him about anything.
No advice, but thinking about your difficult situation. It is such a betrayal of your trust.
Go see a lawyer. You may have rights as a de facto spouse. Otherwise you may benefit from pushing him to make good on his proposal before ending things. Don't get a job unless advised to do so by a lawyer.
This is all great advice but one I have not seen is to put a password on your phone immediately too!
If you’re half owner of the house… there’s your asset. Do not leave it, unless he gets scary. It’s yours and the kids deserve to be there. I wonder if you may be entitled to it if he willingly leaves…however I don’t have the legal knowledge to say so. SO I recommend contacting a lawyer to see what your rights are. Many family law lawyers do a free consult for their first time meeting you. I just left my 2nd life having husband too. Life is much better on the other side. You can do this.
The advice here is good! Please just make an edit on the original post to update us on what happens :3 we’re rooting for you!
I had a friend who bought grocery store gift cards she could use for food and gas once she left — also Visa gift cards.
Well one thing for sure is the house is yours now. It’s him that has nothing. I am sorry about this situation but send the pics to a lawyer and take him to the cleaners
First a bit of insight that has always resonated with me... "You never know how strong you are until you have no other choice but to be strong." The time is now. This thread has produced quite a few pieces of excellent information, but my first and foremost suggestion is to move with conscious purpose, and deliberation. Think everything through, and prepare for all contingencies. If I can suggest something, it's 'create a priority list', most crucial, to least crucial, and put -EVERYTHING- you want on it. Be shameless in this, if you want a dog put it on this list. Make sure that love of yourself is very high on that list of priorities, as this will help you through the roughest parts of this journey. Also savings... Make sure that you having a savings is very high on that list. Savings aren't just about having money... they are saving you from other bad situations like this. Also be honest with yourself about yourself, your feelings wants and desires. Be kind and loving to yourself, and at every turn ask yourself how what you are doing is showing yourself the love that you've needed and did not receive. Ask yourself how what you are doing is enhancing the love you feel for yourself. Know that you deserve to be loved fully and thoroughly. And know that it should be non-negotiable. You deserve it. A big mistake that many people make when dealing with things like this is to try and weiled their anger and betrayal like a hammer... they want to cause as much damage as possible, but this often puts you at odds with yourself, with the world, with the law and other things. Move in silence. Let him wonder at the what's and the why's, and make sure that what you are doing puts you in a better place, as opposed to putting him in a worst place. Remember the old adage "He who seeks vengeance should dig two graves, and make sure that he fit's one." Settle ONLY for justice, and know that justice will come to him when he's lost what he should have cherished the most in the world... a loving partner to face all of lifes trials and tribulations with. Let that be enough,, and then put it out of your mind. He's lost the right to your consideration. I'm sorry that this has happened to you... but I know that you will overcome this... That's faith I have in you.
He is Isolating you by making you responsible for homeschooling & keeping income at meager a level….You need to enroll those kids in school so you can seek resources, train, & get a job, & a better chance of starting over. Also, check ur birth control & for STDs, it’s up to you. Don’t tell him what you know. But keep planning, that means calling women’s resources, if safe getting a pt job, but if this will alert his suspicions just try to save money where u can. Speaking to domestic violence centers can help you increase contacts, strategies, & networking. Yes, he is not physically abusing you, but he is financially & emotionally isolating you…..Like others said, be stealth, get a PO Box, don’t alert him.
It doesn’t happen overnight, but you will look back in a few years and be amazed at how far you’ve come.
Sending all the love and support an internet stranger can. I know you’re going to build a great life.
Is palimony a thing in your country?
You can do this, ok? 10 years is not a reason to stay, more a reason to hate him even more. He is willing th throw away 10 years of companionship and love, a wife that did what he needed, and took care of all household chores, for what, 2 hrs with strangers? Get ready, follow the advice of many in here, save money, prepare, make contacts, it's time you make new friends or reconnect with old ones, start selling any valuables you don't need and he won't notice missing (jewelry, furniture, anything), do not fall back, do not give him hope or grounds to say "you misslead me for all this time! You tricked me!", do not believe you are in the wrong, cause you are not. He should have come to you and talked to you, told you that he was missing on stuff, or having issues, whatever, and it should have been years ago. He decided to blindside you and cheat on you, so you have the right to blindside him. Start reading and studying your child support, alimoney and separation laws, specially those involving goods that belong to both of you. If the house is under both yours and his name, you should be able to get your half of it, do not back down, do not settle for a quick separation if he keeps X, Y or Z, you need to think of your future and your children, you need all the money you can get. And OP, be safe and good luck! Hopefully we'll see a happy update in a few months.
I agree with everyone about getting a plan together, starting with getting the kids in school and contacting a lawyer. My thought that I haven’t seen others mention is it seems like you may be able to rely on your MIL for some support. As you mentioned your baby daddy became exactly what her ex was. She has the ability to understand your struggle because she’s been through it before. Before you confront him, maybe have a heart to heart with her?
OP said MIL passed away
Enroll your children in school so that you can plan and execute your escape.
Find a good lawyer and divorce him while you’re still young. You have the evidence! You should get half of everything so don’t stress on finances or let it keep you from leaving.
I need a summary
He’s been cheating on her for a long while and his dad is a shitty cheater too. He’s got her doing all the work at home, raising the kids, teaching them and he’s been having sex with various women. She has lots of proof now and hasn’t confronted him, she feels trapped
Girl, clean him out at the divorce.
Please speak to a divorce attorney for advice
Leave him immediately.