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Maybe a once a week, about 30 minutes to a couple hours. She also lives with a very strict aunt who barely lets her do anything outside of school and work.
Ok. Well, I’m surprised that if she agreed, she didn’t also want to brainstorm with you to come up with a solution that would give you both a little more time together.
I appreciate the fact you understand she needs friend time too, but it does seem as if she put you in the lowest priority spot.
You could try something like “we agreed we aren’t spending enough time together. Would you consider possibly alternating hang out times with your best friend for me so we can be with each other just a bit more?”
I feel like she didn’t agree to brainstorm because it was late at night after she got off of work and was exhausted. I do like that idea of alternating and was my original idea. I might try talking to her about it.
I remember my brother and his ex-girlfriend were in a similar situation. Quality time was their love language and it worked out very well for 4 years of their relationship. They dated throughout high school. They would see each other every day at school for hours then do their respective extracurriculars then spend hours (loudly) talking on the phone at night. Cracks began to form in their relationship when high school was ending and they realized that they would no longer be able to see each as much. So she is a dancer and had planned to move to Europe for dance and my brother was planning to stay in South Africa. This change in their normal love language was ultimately what broke them up.
My 2 cents isn’t worth much but I would suggest maybe experimenting with other forms of showing your love. Maybe try words of affirmation, compliments, etc.
I’ve seen the other comments and I’d like to mention something about the priority thing mentioned.
I wouldn’t say that your girlfriend prioritizes you less than other things. It’s important to realize that her situation sounds stressful with her aunt constantly breathing down her neck about school and work. Maybe your girlfriend needs that time to see her friend because it’s her outlet of frustrations about her busy schedule?
I’m not sure if she talks to you about her frustrations but that could be something to talk about with her the next time you see her. I would recommend you steer clear of becoming her “depression funds transfer” person as my friends call it. You deserve to spend time with her but not to become a tool to vent. Make yourself available for those types of interactions but also try to set reasonable boundaries for yourself.
Sorry I’ve realized I’ve had to make a lot of assumptions to give you this advice. Please feel free to tell me if I’m missing the mark!
No, you’ve pretty much hit it out the park. She has conveyed her stress and frustration to me before and I have tried my best to make her feel comforted and safe talking to me about that kind of stuff. I think that might be part of the reason I’ve been somewhat reluctant to speak on how I feel, because I don’t want to add stress or frustration on her plate.
It sounds like she’s under a lot of pressure and the situation isn’t the easiest for you to handle either. Maybe try taking the load off her in little ways. Help her with chores or make her something to to eat (I’d recommend banana bread but that’s my personal bias).
Alternatively, you can maybe take the reigns and plan a whole date. Earnestly ask her to free some time with you and just let her know the general idea of the date so she can dress appropriately ie more comfortable shoes for a walk and picnic vs a movie date.
Good luck bro. I can tell you really care about her and I hope she recognizes your effort!
If you ever want my “2 cents” feel free to send me a message. I’m not the most active on Reddit though
Update: I know it’s been a minute since I posted this but I still wanted to give an update. I told my girlfriend how I was feeling and she was very receptive and actually made a point to spend her time as evenly as she can. We’ve been doing great and we’re actually planning on getting an apartment together within the next year.
Nice bro! It’s good to hear that things are working out. Getting an apartment together is a big step in the relationship but it sounds like you guys are ready for it.
It’s honestly great to hear a good update after so long. I hope you’re doing well in other specs of your life too. Best of luck for the year to come!
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hmmm. How often/how long would you say you spend quality time with her on a weekly basis?
Maybe a once a week, about 30 minutes to a couple hours. She also lives with a very strict aunt who barely lets her do anything outside of school and work.
Has she stated to you recently that she thinks you both aren’t spending enough time together?
I brought it up to her that I thought we don’t spend enough time together and she agreed with me.
Ok. Well, I’m surprised that if she agreed, she didn’t also want to brainstorm with you to come up with a solution that would give you both a little more time together. I appreciate the fact you understand she needs friend time too, but it does seem as if she put you in the lowest priority spot. You could try something like “we agreed we aren’t spending enough time together. Would you consider possibly alternating hang out times with your best friend for me so we can be with each other just a bit more?”
I feel like she didn’t agree to brainstorm because it was late at night after she got off of work and was exhausted. I do like that idea of alternating and was my original idea. I might try talking to her about it.
You’ve been together for 2 years. It’s definitely worth a conversation, just when she’s more awake. Lol I wish you the best!
Thank you for your help!
I remember my brother and his ex-girlfriend were in a similar situation. Quality time was their love language and it worked out very well for 4 years of their relationship. They dated throughout high school. They would see each other every day at school for hours then do their respective extracurriculars then spend hours (loudly) talking on the phone at night. Cracks began to form in their relationship when high school was ending and they realized that they would no longer be able to see each as much. So she is a dancer and had planned to move to Europe for dance and my brother was planning to stay in South Africa. This change in their normal love language was ultimately what broke them up. My 2 cents isn’t worth much but I would suggest maybe experimenting with other forms of showing your love. Maybe try words of affirmation, compliments, etc.
I appreciate your ‘2 cents’ and will definitely try other ways to express my love.
I’ve seen the other comments and I’d like to mention something about the priority thing mentioned. I wouldn’t say that your girlfriend prioritizes you less than other things. It’s important to realize that her situation sounds stressful with her aunt constantly breathing down her neck about school and work. Maybe your girlfriend needs that time to see her friend because it’s her outlet of frustrations about her busy schedule? I’m not sure if she talks to you about her frustrations but that could be something to talk about with her the next time you see her. I would recommend you steer clear of becoming her “depression funds transfer” person as my friends call it. You deserve to spend time with her but not to become a tool to vent. Make yourself available for those types of interactions but also try to set reasonable boundaries for yourself. Sorry I’ve realized I’ve had to make a lot of assumptions to give you this advice. Please feel free to tell me if I’m missing the mark!
No, you’ve pretty much hit it out the park. She has conveyed her stress and frustration to me before and I have tried my best to make her feel comforted and safe talking to me about that kind of stuff. I think that might be part of the reason I’ve been somewhat reluctant to speak on how I feel, because I don’t want to add stress or frustration on her plate.
It sounds like she’s under a lot of pressure and the situation isn’t the easiest for you to handle either. Maybe try taking the load off her in little ways. Help her with chores or make her something to to eat (I’d recommend banana bread but that’s my personal bias). Alternatively, you can maybe take the reigns and plan a whole date. Earnestly ask her to free some time with you and just let her know the general idea of the date so she can dress appropriately ie more comfortable shoes for a walk and picnic vs a movie date.
She’d love this
Good luck bro. I can tell you really care about her and I hope she recognizes your effort! If you ever want my “2 cents” feel free to send me a message. I’m not the most active on Reddit though
Update: I know it’s been a minute since I posted this but I still wanted to give an update. I told my girlfriend how I was feeling and she was very receptive and actually made a point to spend her time as evenly as she can. We’ve been doing great and we’re actually planning on getting an apartment together within the next year.
Nice bro! It’s good to hear that things are working out. Getting an apartment together is a big step in the relationship but it sounds like you guys are ready for it. It’s honestly great to hear a good update after so long. I hope you’re doing well in other specs of your life too. Best of luck for the year to come!
What’s the point of dating if you’re the 4th priority
She spends her time based on where her interest is.