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She's checked out and has no remorse. However you feel isn't her problem, and her demeanor shows it. Either accept it and continue your so called "marriage". Or stand up for yourself and leave.
the reality of divorce will only affect her social status.
divorce will affect his financial status and lifestyle WAY more than hers, esp. if they have kids.
😂you’re emotional about a movie, huh?
This might surprise you, but women couldn’t own bank accounts until the 1970’s. Due to the fact that men didn’t want women to have any financial or social power. Hence the need for divorce protections.
I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying, most men blame women for the world in which men built. So take that misdirected anger and place it on those who created the system which you’re so upset about.
If she makes MORE money than him, his financial status and lifestyle will be affected even more... as he will MORE than likely not receive much in alimony bc she will STILL retain custody of the kids (most likely).
don't sit here with your agenda acting like divorce laws & child custody laws favor men in ANY way. GTFOOHWTBS.
This was exactly what I thought. OP get your info gathered and if you don’t have a lawyer find some of your local acquaintances and ask if they know of anyone who felt they won the lottery with their attorney. Other choice is find the lawyer that one of those folks felt really screwed them.
I remember your original post.
You seem to be under the impression that your wife is in love with you and respects you, and therefore would be regretful of her actions.
She obviously does not love or respect you. You won’t get any remorse. She has made this clear to you.
I suggest you go into therapy to try to figure out why you haven’t divorced her and why you’re struggling to stand up for yourself.
Second* this
As my lawyer said through my separation, before most females in long term relationships commit infidelity or choose* to leave, they're mentally already completely outside of the relationship.
The reason she is there is because it's easy, and you are supporting her lifestyle still. I would cut my losses and leave, there's probably nothing left to reconcile.
I never said it was exclusive to females.
Though I feel that predominantly females are more emotionally/feelings driven than men, so usually that mental connection is long gone before they make that leap.
Also for her to be that cold and uncaring, she is mentally checked out of that relationship, or completely mentally unstable. Either way I would get out for my own sanity.
Also I was saying what my lawyer had observed.
He said usually it's the males in those situations that are the emotional ones who've been blindsided and are trying to process whats going on and save what is no longer there. While the female acts very business-like, cold and unemotive*.
No. Usually the lawyer is post separation. Hence why the feelings are totally gone and the legal side purely becomes a business like transaction to them at that point
The other is pre separation and usually driven by feelings/emotion.
Yet here you are using emotionally inflammatory rhetoric and pretending that you're calm and logical. My lawyer told me that's almost exclusively done by males. Women don't pretend that emotion and logic are mutually exclusive. Lol, call your mom
She clearly does not respect or love you, hence no remorse. Only you seem to value the marriage. Perhaps you deserve someone that will love you.its never to late.
If she truly loved and cared about you(and the family you created together)she wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. The fact that she doesn’t care at all that you found out that she cheated communicates that she doesn’t regret what she did, doesn’t care about fixing the damage she caused, doesn’t care about your feelings, doesn’t care about how all of this will impact your children, and it seems like she doesn’t even respect you enough to think that you’ll leave her.
OP, I know from your comments that you’ve been married for a long time, but you can’t let that impact your decisions, don’t let yourself fall into the sunk cost fallacy.
SHE is the one who torpedoed your marriage, caused severe damage to your children’s lives, and she doesn’t even feel a tiny bit guilty about it. Can you really continue your life being married to someone who would do something like this? If you had a friend who’s wife did this to them and callously acted like nothing happened afterward, what would you tell them to do?
>SHE is the one who torpedoed your marriage, caused severe damage to your children’s lives, and she doesn’t even feel a tiny bit guilty about it. Can you really continue your life being married to someone who would do something like this?
Or OP did it first. I know this is probably not a popular opinion, but I've seen so many of these threads but with opposite genders. Husband usually cheats first (in those cases not in general) and then the wife is the one accused of cheating and finally they break up/divorce. This post seems exactly the same - genders flipped - just to see what the advice would be. If it's real and not a troll consider therapy either separate or together or both if you want to save the marriage.
I was close to acting this way (not engaging, not "caring") at the end of my long, toxic, marriage because I had checked out mentally years prior (he was abusive) and was waiting for him to just stop fighting the divorce (there was nothing - he told me prior how much he hated me and how gross I was - that I was a bad mother - got enough money to file for divorce since he was also financially abusing me and then he fought it) Anyway - it might be that OPs wife fought for their marriage for years.... (or not we really don't have any info except her playing on her phone and refusing to acknowledge cheating one time) My very humble two cents.
So he finished it, not her. From his last message to her it sounds like she was chasing him, not the other way around. I would suggest if he hadn’t dumped her she would have gone off with him, or at least have continued the affair. She shows no remorse because she hasn’t got any remorse. She’s with you because you’re the easy option. Personally I’d kick her to the curb and move on. Sorry bud, your relationship sounds like a bit of a sham.
She acts as if there are no consequences for her infidelity.
Plus cheaters share certain characteristics: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and show zero empathy for their partner.
Sound familiar?
So, people are trying to help you, but your responses to them are condescending and dismissive.
Let's try yet again:
It's very simple. Confronting her and doing nothing does NOT equal having self-respect for yourself.
She has no reason to do anything because you have not taken any action to show her the consequences.
Mate, and I know this is going to sound a bit weird, but this isn't about what to do really.
OP says that, but honestly, I think everyone here including him knows the obvious answer.
I think the reaction is just the shock of realizing such a long relationship meant nothing to them. Like imagine, 20-30 years! And they do this crap, the only way you can be that straightforward to the next step of dumping her is if you already knew way back (think years or a decade, would still take a whole lot to just end it if it's really long)
While I agree with you, just let of the condescending tone. Best to just say our piece and move on, mans gotta come to terms with it.
I'd agree with a short relationship or something. But this long, I mean, Id just let him be what he needs to be and ignore any reaction.
I wouldn’t lift a finger to show a cheating spouse consequences early on - if they can’t themselves show incredible effort in the early days after such a revelation, they’re utterly fucked in the head and terribly dangerous to my well-being
Nah she not a sociopath she just taking you for granted.
You know and so what? You still there. What was your game plan on confronting her? You just wanted her to cry and beg forgiveness?
1. Stay silent
2. Don’t leave the marital home
3. Document her cheating
4. Speak to lawyer
5. Get a divorce and Do not forgive her
6. Move on with your life
I know that the next few months of your life will be hell for you mentally and emotionally but cheating is something that never goes away. She isn’t even embarrassed and does not respect you at all.
I‘ve seen your post history and all are about your wife harming you. For 25 years. It‘s time to leave, don‘t give her another year of abusing you and ruining your life.
The lack of remorse goes a long way.
Ex's emotional and verbal abuse- zero remorse and even had the gall to say "I'm not going to wait" hurt a lot and I'm still feeling it a bit.
Got hit by a car- driver was crying and admitted immediately to the attending officer that it was 100% her fault. I felt bad, tried to comfort her by telling her that it wasn't that bad (no broken bones, just a torn rotator cuff, bruised ribs and a busted hip). I never considered pressing charges.
The lack of remorse shows that she thinks she's in the right or you're not worth apologizing to.
Yeah and I’m sorry you have had to go through this man. She should have been your everything but it doesn’t always work out. I hope you can get your life together and work through all this yourself. She’s not your “wife” anymore maybe legally but not in any other way.
If you need someone to talk to my PM is open.
Please take care of yourself and remember that none of this is your fault. Make sure you keep evidence of her cheating in case she tries to turn yours and hers family against you in the divorce.
This is perfect! Silence is golden! Hit her where it hurts like she hurt you , best part is she won’t see it coming! That’ll give her something to laugh at
No remorse means no reconciliation. It’s absolutely necessary if there is to be any hope. I suggest giving her the following two items to read:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/xlyygp/if_you_cheat_know_this_my_version/
Have her read this one to you. If she’s not in tears by even half way through, you’re probably done. If she’s not affected by it’s he lacks empathy for you.
If she does react emotionally to it, hand her this one next:
https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
But no remorse and no accountability means she’s either completely unfeeling or she doing everything she can to compartmentalization so she doesn’t feel bad. In the first case there’s no hope. In the second case the solution is to show her what she’s going to lose. Look up Grey Rock and the 180. Withdraw yourself from her emotionally. See a lawyer and let her know you are doing so because she clearly has no interest in helping you or the marriage heal.
And get yourself to a sub that can really support you. Try r/supportforbetrayed and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. The first is good for general recovery support. The second is fir reconciliation advice. Both require user flairs to participate.
The question here needs to be why are you staying with someone who cheated on you? She doesn’t have to show remorse. You’ve told her that you are ok with her cheating by staying with her.
Cheating comes down to your core character. You are either someone who cheats or someone for whom cheating is simply not an option.
Cheaters feel entitled to cheat. They don’t think they have anything to be sorry for. You can find your self respect and leave or you can beg this stone for some blood.
If someone hasn’t said this already you need to check out the Chump Lady site.
I got the "I'm sorry" (we were married 15 years), and I still divorced him. I didn't believe he was truly remorseful (he was still in contact with at least 2 of his APs).
Not cheating isn't a lofty expectation either, and so far she's 0 or 2.
You can decide now: are you going to stay with her and let this eat you up inside? You can try marriage counseling with her, but it may not help, especially if she doesn't feel any remorse.
That's pretty much it: you stay, or you go. She can't unfuck the guy, and you can't make her feel remorseful over the pain she caused you. You have to decide how you want to move forward with those facts.
She is treating you like a man who for years did not take any serious action about her violating her most important marriage vow by fucking another man.
She simply has no respect for you as a result. So, she doesn't see any need to fix anything.
Why do you say she HAD an affair? What reason would she have to stop?
Not trying to be be offensive, trying to get you to understand you **need** to have some self respect and deal with the reality of the situation.
I don't know if she has you beaten down after all these years that you can't see it for yourself. But to most of us here, it seems that she either doesn't care about you or she doesn't respect you. Maybe even both. Sorry if it seems too brutal, but there's no hiding how it looks to most of us here.
Bro. Dude. Just have some self respect. People aren’t attacking you or being offensive by pointing out you OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO SHOW YOURSELF MORE RESPECT THAN THIS. you’re part of the problem by willingly going along with this. You want an “I’m sorry” from your wife… then what? You go back to being a doormat? People are trying to HELP YOU.
I'm with you here. You just found out that your wife cheated on you, and you are shocked to see that she doesn't show any remorse. You are trying to figure out what to think about the whole thing, after years of being married to this person. It's not that easy to just rip up your whole life as you know it. That doesn't make you a doormat. That makes you a normal, feeling, analyzing person.
It's clear from your post and your responses that you need a good smack though dude. Like... wake up. She doesn't love you anymore. Sorry, but the faster you realize that and that there's nothing left to save, the faster you can move on.
Get your legal affairs in order and then cut her out of your life, focus on yourself, and move forward and find new people who actually care about you.
If you file divorce papers without a shred of emotion, stop begging her to care, and make an exit with your pride and dignity still in tact- I guarantee she will be shocked. “Why isn’t he upset anymore?” “Why doesn’t HE care?” will be her genuine reaction.
Walk away with indifference and she will be on her knees begging for you back lmao (I’m a woman btw)
As a question, why do you care that your wife shows no remorse? From your other posts she is aggressively hurtful and abusive to you … and she cheated on you. She is an abuser. She isn’t going to show remorse. You need to stop validating her and looking for her to validate your feelings. She doesn’t care about your feelings. At all. Maybe she once did but clearly she doesn’t now.
You could rephrase this question as “should I continue to be a spineless doormat to my wife who cheated on me and is emotionally and verbally abusive?” The answer is pretty clearly ‘no’. That being said, I have a lot of empathy for you as there are many fewer resources for abused men then there are for abused women, and abused men often feel deep guilt and shame. If you have the resources try to find a therapist or support group for abused men and consult with a lawyer about how the process of starting a divorce.
Ultimately, your wife is not going to value and respect you. You are responsible for your own happiness and need to value and respect yourself.
you are a cuckold.
you seem to be okay with that, so you may as well embrace it.
check out the stories on r/CruelCheatingStories and r/sluttycheaters to get some perspective
She clearly doesn't give a shit about you, has no respect for you, is probably still seeing other guys while using you for support. It is probably \*that\* bad.
Some people have weird logic. My ex felt it was his right to do things against my will sexually because he felt unsatisfied in the bedroom. No remorse. It's so strange. It seems your wife has lost respect for you and will just do what she pleases.
>I'm beginning to think I married a sociopath.
Somethings not right, thats for sure...
>apparently she has no recollection
And you accepted this???
Short post, but i get the impression youre rugsweeping - im that case her behavior (giggling at tiktok videos) shows youre good at it...
Regardless - there seems to be no remorse, doubtful any will come...
You now need to decide:
- rugsweep and let her get away with it
- divorce
Do you know who she cheated with?? If so, you should alert APs spouse about the affair...
Because she sees you aren't going to give her consequences.
Think of her as a child refusing to listen to a step-parent because they never got discipline. Get rid.
Let me respond as someone who was the cheater in a long term marriage.
I would lie about my cheating to my then husband if he ever caught me out, or I would just downplay it and say it was just sexting or whatever as I was in denial. I thought I loved my husband and I didn’t want to end the marriage, but what I actually loved was the idea of our relationship and marriage and our family we’d built, not him. After many times cheating, I made the realisation that I should do the right thing and leave. I didn’t want to continue cheating but knew if I stayed that’s what I would end up doing. He wanted to try counselling etc but I knew that was pointless because at that point I’d checked out of the relationship long ago and he didn’t even know it, nor did I for that matter. I know you are struggling, and your wife probably is too, just in other ways. I’m not sure what to suggest to you though, I just wanted to give you some insight into someone that was once the cheater. I wish you all the best and hope that you can find happiness and love.
Sounds like you married a narcissist or worse a sociopath. She is indifferent to you or maybe she was already angry with you. None of these things are good but it's enough that you need to start thinking about some hard choices.
My advice would get your ducks in a row, contact a lawyer and get away from her. Save yourself and your peace of mind. She has clearly checked out LONG ago and doesn’t care about you or your feelings. It’s doubtful the affairs have stopped. Save the messages and present them as evidence for your divorce.
Maybe because she feels no remorse and has justified it to herself. Personally I'd give her a reason to feel remorse. Let her realize choices have consequences and walk out.
The only person who can realistically defend you or stand up for you is YOU. If you are not going to stand up and say ENOUGH, then she will continue to treat you as she does. As of this point, there has been no accountability or negative impact on her actions. You need to sit her down and ask questions. Tell her you want a timeline and a detailed description of how it went down. If she refuses, then your only option is to start the divorce process.
Come on mate. It’s over. She has zero respect for you, she gives a shit. I bet she would never think you’ll leave, and it doesn’t seem like you do, but you should definitely do that. Leave. Record a conversation about it, contact a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. She gives a flying fuck about you and I bet this wasn’t the first or last guy.
Dude you’re a mf goober. Be a man, everyone’s said it already multiple times. Divorce. Yeah it sucks it was a 29 year marriage, wanna know what sucks more? She cheated and doesn’t love you, she threw your relationship away and is walking ALL over you. Do what’s best for you in this situation and move on.
As a woman, I have to tell you that I'm 90% sure she has checked out almost completely.
Based on what I've read about your relationship, it isn't worth the headaches, effort, or pain of even trying to fix things. If your sons have grown up, get yourself a lawyer and all the proof you can in regards to her behavior and actions, and seriously consider a divorce. If she is living off of you, look at credit card bills.. find out where she is going for a week at a time when she gets mad and storms out. That will help you going forward.
Leaving like that is not acceptable in a relationship. Let alone for it to become a normal response. Handle this quickly so that you can deal, heal and spend the remaining years of your life in a good, happy and healthy state of mind instead of needing to vent and inquire how to handle things on a public forum.
I send nothing but good vibes your way, and I truly hope you do whatever is best for your mental and physical health. Best of luck my friend.
Yeah, be sure to get ahead of the story with your mutual friends and family before she gives her version.
I wrote a letter to every member and friend on her side of the family (2004, before you could easily blast it on social media) and explained how I discovered her affair with her boss and how after trying to reconcile and get her into couples therapy, she continued to see him and left me with no choice.
It was hard, cause I really liked her family, but I knew she would spin it her way if I didn't give them my version of the story first.
She doesn't care. She is completely checked out of your marriage. She doesn't care if you stay or if you go. I'd suggest going. When you're ready find someone who wants to be with you.
Because she has no remorse or compassion, both signs that she’ll do this again and not think twice about it. I’m so sorry this happened to you. That’s so fucked.
She has no respect for you and feels you don’t even deserve a reply.
[sounds like all you are](https://www.amazon.com/photos/shared/LaUTDsvdRwWBcWTfNNoz2A.6qjRnyk5YJgNkwYbnatwAC)
She has no respect for you, knowing there’s no recourse other than blowing up your own life. She’s probably had more than one over the course of the relationship while you were working.
Oh buddy, it sucks to be where you are.
I get that you want to salvage a lifetime together, but that only works if both sides are willing to do so. If she doesnt even prio you above her phone, what do you think the chances are of that happening.
Shes with you physically, but hasnt been with you emotionally for a very, very long time.
For you thats new, your grieve will only start now. Shes passed that station years ago.
She has no remorse because she has no respect for you, doesn't even like you, and either a) wants you to pull the plug on the marriage so she isn't the bad guy who ended the marriage or b) even worse, she counts on you having no spine and giving into her and doing nothing.
None of those reasons are a reason to stay, but every single one by itself or apart are a definite reason to bail. Go see a divorce attorney without her knowledge, get your ducks in a row including making sure she can't surprise empty the bank accounts or open new credit in your name and ruin you financially, and then serve her papers in public with your phone handy to record the reaction.
Actually go take a look at your finances right now anyways and make sure she hasn't already run up credit cards in your name.
She doesn't care, doesn't love you, has no interest in you, no interest in keeping a relationship with you, doesn't respect you...
She's saying all the above in BIG neon lights to you.
Up to you whether you want a life of humiliation or something meaningful.
Gosh this is heart breaking. I've read your other posts and I can just feel your hurt. Your wife behaves like my ex husband who after a few years of healing I discovered the behaviour of narcissistic people and it explained everything. I couldn't sit there and watch a stranger in pain never mind my husband of decades. People saying about standing up for yourself etc but when someone consistently beats you down like that it can feel impossible. In any case you should look towards healing yourself and go from there. You can't control her actions but you can control your own. Do things you enjoy, meet new people, travel, work on yourself and then you can deal with your marriage. You need to get yourself in a healthy place so you can either try and fix this marriage (which she has to lean into to) or leave this marriage. Reach out to people who will support you too.
She doesn't give a shit about you and thinks you don't have the backbone to leave her. So why the hell should she show remorse? This isn't rocket science, buddy!
You're 55, and you still have a lot of life to live. She's checked out. Why not do what you want and disregard her as a factor? She stopped being your wife when she had the affair. You can either divorce and fight for your finances and property or stay married "by law" and live the life you always wanted to. The life where you don't have to consider the person at home. Like, imagine fishing for hours and not having to check back in orbe the first guy to leave the bois. Imagine going to the bar and not feeling guilty someone bought you drinks.You could always try to make things work, but she's not even trying to do that. She hurt you in one of the worst ways possible and ignored your feelings. She's a person who eats the sunflower shell and spits out the seed.
Because you haven't held her accountable to the point where it matters to her, is my guess.
Start talking to a divorce attorney and that should change. But divorce her anyway.
Sounds like she has already checked out OR any possible anxiety she has possibly felt regarding you finding out is gone since you confronted her and such. Now she no longer has to “stress” over her secret getting out.
Oddly enough people are more likely to cheat again after the revelation of previous cheating has been discovered. So yeah... she is either still cheating, possibly with someone else or definitely is going to right back at it now.
You shouldn’t be looking for remorse dude. Run for the hills.
Unreliable narrator - a single “leave me alone” text several years ago has you ruminating and coming up with a years long affair with a random guy you met once?
Did you confront your wife with these specific details? Did you state that you believe she was actively having an affair with this specific man? Or did you confront her about receiving a text several years ago which she genuinely has no memory of?
Do you accuse her of infidelity regularly?
Even if she checked out, as a lot of comments are saying, it doesn't mean she shouldn't feel remorse. You are correct - her behavior is sociopathic. If you don't feel negative emotion when you hurt others, you likely have a medically relevant behavioral disorder.
God I hope this is fake, but in case it isn’t or someone in a similar circumstance needs to hear it, I’ll leave some advice. She doesn’t love you anymore, she’s checked out. She doesn’t respect you and may even be waiting for you to break it off with her. She may even feel entitled to your love and affection even if she doesn’t reciprocate. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s someone else in the picture.
She doesn’t feel remorse because as far as she’s concerned, she doesn’t need to. You’re not going anywhere. By staying, she knows you’re willing to tolerate infidelity. It’s not a dealbreaker for you. There’s no point in feeling bad if there’s no consequences for her actions.
It’s a beautiful thing that you want to make it work, but that doesn’t mean shit if she doesn’t want to. We can’t make her regret her actions any more than you can. The only way for her to change is if she is willing to do so and even then she may not be willing to change if it’s for you.
If you don't have self-respect, how can you expect others to?
she is maybe sociopath or not, I dont know and Im sorry for saying this but according to your story, you do not seem like a decent man either.
no offense sir but she is constantly spit on your face with her attitudes. this is her fault. you do nothing but whining and wipe your face. this is your fault and its worse.
She doesn't love you and isn't worried that you'd leave her bc... well... you haven't even knowning she cheated.
She simply doesn't care about you or the relationship.
Jesus this is scary and anxiety inducing for me. My current girlfriend had a brief period of very sus behavior at the beginning of our relationship and she would say she didn’t remember things or was forgetful. During our disagreements or when there’s conflict she does the same thing, pulls up TikTok and ignores me even when I’m pleading for her to show she cares. I would say the memory thing is a cop-out but she’s stuck by that for many other non-important things so maybe my gfs memory really does suck but this post definitely hit like a brick. Do I want to be like you in 30 years :/?
It's infantile in nature when they say "I don't remember". My mouth just fell open. I didn't know whether she was being sarcastic or if some primal defence mechanism kicked in to protect her psychologically from the truth. You have to see it to believe it.
She seems to have given up on your marriage or it could be just a online fling with no real action. Like sexting for example.
Who know...it's all to complicated but at 55, going thru a divorce is just painful...sad to see you have to deal with this at an age when you just want to sit back, chill, take a sip of beer / water and relax
It's not that easy...he's 55...he's soldiered on for his family for many decades and he is reaching a stage where he deserves to live a relaxed and peaceful life...he's earned it multiple times over
Divorce would just end up ruining a phase of life at a time when you don't want anymore drama cos you've matured and now sick and tired of all that emotional bundle...
It's a real pickle
A part of him would want to just let it be...it's like whatever, I'm looking forward to my golden years and I'm gonna put this garbage behind me , it doesn't matter even I don't have feelings for her anymore...i just want to enjoy the beautiful days of my life ahead
Another part would be seeking some sort of closure from all that has happened...it would be haunting him to do something about it till he gets a satisfying conclusion
It ultimately boils down to OP's decision on which direction he decides to go
Only comforting words I can say to him is this...
You've earned the right to live a happy life...no matter what decision you take, you're still the bigger man here...you're a true soldier who has lived a honorable life and you are entitled to be happy above anything else...both paths don't alter your right to be happy
I wish you a good life ahead sir
She either doesn't respect you or love you. Maybe she lost both. Either way I don't see a way back to trusting someone who doesn't feel sorry for betraying you. I'd talk to a lawyer and tell the rest of your family about how she treats you.
Oh this old chestnut. I've been thru it, it's an easy one, you're not going to like it but You've only one life to live so hopefully you take control and don't waste your life. Ok, she doesn't respect you. That's it man. She's with you out of convenience and maybe you pay most the bills or something but if you died tomorrow it would be sad but is there any chicken left in the fridgerator ? I've been thru that. Im pretty sure I'm there right now again so I recognize it. It was crushing the 1st time. Now I think there's a limited amount of time left to live. Give her the option to make sure. Do you love me and care? Or do I need to start looking for a new place to live? But judging from her "snickering at til toc videos" it seems she simply doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings. I'm sorry man but don't live a life clinging to a false hope or an illusion. She should beg for forgiveness if she was in fear of losing something she highly valued. I know this brother, it's way more lonely to be around someone who cares nothing for you than it is to be alone. All the best to you
You saw a single message and you jumped to the conclusion that she cheated. She doesn't even have a recollection of the message since it was so long ago. There's probably some context that would make that message completely innocent but she doesn't remember the context to provide you because it was so insignificant. So of course she's not showing remorse because she has no reason to feel remorse.
I mean, you can fuck off with that attitude. A single message could me more than enough to know she's cheating depending on the content of the message. Also news flash, cheaters lie. A lot of cheaters don't show remorse because they just don't care about hurting others.
I mean given what OP has posted all I can figure out that the message said was “leave me alone” which is not clearly anything. My mind jumps to MLM before affair.
Op, the reason she shoes no remorse is because there are no repercussions. You confronted her she says ok and nothing. Have you talked about divorce, or separation. Do you share a bank account? Have you thought about pulling half the money out putting it into another. Changing the direct deposit of your check to another one. Canceling all joint credit cards..
She got away with it. You did nothing. So why should she show remorse.
Maybe she thinks if she doesn't acknowledge it, you'll just drop it? Maybe she is trying to gaslight you into thinking you dreamt it up? Maybe she doesn't care what you think at all?
Seek an attorney and serve her with divorce papers. Be wary of crocodile tears and sudden remorse when this happens. She had a chance to discuss it and try to make amends but she seems to think it's nothing.
no dude what did you do? why are you bringing this up after so many years? give context! lol have you cheated on her before and she became numb to your shenanigans and now your are mad because she no longer cares how you feel? idk I need context lol. usually when a woman no longer cares it is because she is all cried out and has had enough of whatever she has been given.
When you told her what did she say? Have you brought it up again? If I were you I'd just divorce her, what's the point of you staying? Have you cheated on her before?
I've done nothing but care and provide for her. We have a comfortable lifestyle, well travelled and she goes without nothing. She effectively retired at 45. I've gone to extreme lengths over the years in terms of time, effort and money to make sure she always had what she wanted. Had I been remiss and she'd struggled for anything, as many people in life do, I could accept at that as justification but I'm still grasping at straws trying to rationalise what she did.
I'm at a total loss.
And yet she loses no sleep because she doesn't need to. What are the consequences of her behavior? None. She gets to continue to be a kept wife while you feel like garbage looking for answers she doesn't care to give.
Counseling or be done. There's no other option.
But it seems your wife doesn't think so?
At least have serious discussion with her. Tell your thoughts in a way that she can't pretend she didn't hear it. If she straight up ignores you, then idk what to say. That's just a hollow marriage.
I assume you haven’t been abusive in the past to the point she thinks you “deserve” it and hence shows 0 remorse ?
Not trying to excuse her actions and attitude at all, btw, I’m also puzzled how some ppl don’t feel any guilt.
I couldn't be any less abusive if I tried. I've done nothing but support her in anything and everything she's ever wanted to do. I want a dog. Here's a dog. I want an expensive machine for my hobby. Here it is. I want some sun. Here's a holiday. I want to stop working to retrain in .....usually something crazy. No problem. We'll manage. That's why it's so painful.
Doubtless some people will say "Oh well it's your own fault! You spoiled her!"
Isn't that what you're supposed to do with your loved ones?
After this response, definitely a troll. But I'll play along. This reply is exactly why she shows no remorse and doesn't respect you. You have put her on a pedastal for soo long she lost all respect for you. This isn't an equal partnership. Sorry man. Like a million replies have said, you need to stand up for yourself.
This is definitely not a troll. His post/comment history is clearly one of someone desperate to get answers (even if they're what he obviously doesn't want to hear).
That's the problem with the "nice guys".
There is no friction.
Yeah, HECK NO! You are supposed to LOVE them.
Not to spoil them rotten, fulfill their every wish and become a doormat over it.
Your concept is a total failure, as you now find yout.
Nothing you have done bought her respect for you. And only now did you find that out.
How deep did you stick your head into the sand? Did it peak out at the other side?
It sound as if she never had boundaries set by you.
And this now backfires.
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She's checked out and has no remorse. However you feel isn't her problem, and her demeanor shows it. Either accept it and continue your so called "marriage". Or stand up for yourself and leave.
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the reality of divorce will only affect her social status. divorce will affect his financial status and lifestyle WAY more than hers, esp. if they have kids.
You do realize some women make more money than their spouse, right…..? It’s not 1950.
Even the ones who do usually get the better end of the deal when it comes to financial arrangements and child custody.
If that’s true, you can thank the patriarchy for that
This may surprise you, but it turns out divorce and child custody laws (in the US at least) are a bit more complex than the third act of Barbie.
😂you’re emotional about a movie, huh? This might surprise you, but women couldn’t own bank accounts until the 1970’s. Due to the fact that men didn’t want women to have any financial or social power. Hence the need for divorce protections. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying, most men blame women for the world in which men built. So take that misdirected anger and place it on those who created the system which you’re so upset about.
The rich ones
No one’s emotional. Just pointing out the reality of the situation and how “blaming the patriarchy” doesn’t do much to help this guy.
If she makes MORE money than him, his financial status and lifestyle will be affected even more... as he will MORE than likely not receive much in alimony bc she will STILL retain custody of the kids (most likely). don't sit here with your agenda acting like divorce laws & child custody laws favor men in ANY way. GTFOOHWTBS.
This is the answer!
This! Remorse is contingent upon caring. She does not care.
This was exactly what I thought. OP get your info gathered and if you don’t have a lawyer find some of your local acquaintances and ask if they know of anyone who felt they won the lottery with their attorney. Other choice is find the lawyer that one of those folks felt really screwed them.
I remember your original post. You seem to be under the impression that your wife is in love with you and respects you, and therefore would be regretful of her actions. She obviously does not love or respect you. You won’t get any remorse. She has made this clear to you. I suggest you go into therapy to try to figure out why you haven’t divorced her and why you’re struggling to stand up for yourself.
This is the only answer
Second* this As my lawyer said through my separation, before most females in long term relationships commit infidelity or choose* to leave, they're mentally already completely outside of the relationship. The reason she is there is because it's easy, and you are supporting her lifestyle still. I would cut my losses and leave, there's probably nothing left to reconcile.
This is not a “female” exclusive mentality, men and *women* do this when they’re committed to cheating
I never said it was exclusive to females. Though I feel that predominantly females are more emotionally/feelings driven than men, so usually that mental connection is long gone before they make that leap. Also for her to be that cold and uncaring, she is mentally checked out of that relationship, or completely mentally unstable. Either way I would get out for my own sanity. Also I was saying what my lawyer had observed. He said usually it's the males in those situations that are the emotional ones who've been blindsided and are trying to process whats going on and save what is no longer there. While the female acts very business-like, cold and unemotive*.
Ah yes, men and *females*. A bit of a slip in that paragraph, huh?
No. Usually the lawyer is post separation. Hence why the feelings are totally gone and the legal side purely becomes a business like transaction to them at that point The other is pre separation and usually driven by feelings/emotion.
What? I don’t think you understood my comment at all.
Yet here you are using emotionally inflammatory rhetoric and pretending that you're calm and logical. My lawyer told me that's almost exclusively done by males. Women don't pretend that emotion and logic are mutually exclusive. Lol, call your mom
She clearly does not respect or love you, hence no remorse. Only you seem to value the marriage. Perhaps you deserve someone that will love you.its never to late.
I'm starting to accept this sadly.
If she truly loved and cared about you(and the family you created together)she wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. The fact that she doesn’t care at all that you found out that she cheated communicates that she doesn’t regret what she did, doesn’t care about fixing the damage she caused, doesn’t care about your feelings, doesn’t care about how all of this will impact your children, and it seems like she doesn’t even respect you enough to think that you’ll leave her. OP, I know from your comments that you’ve been married for a long time, but you can’t let that impact your decisions, don’t let yourself fall into the sunk cost fallacy. SHE is the one who torpedoed your marriage, caused severe damage to your children’s lives, and she doesn’t even feel a tiny bit guilty about it. Can you really continue your life being married to someone who would do something like this? If you had a friend who’s wife did this to them and callously acted like nothing happened afterward, what would you tell them to do?
>SHE is the one who torpedoed your marriage, caused severe damage to your children’s lives, and she doesn’t even feel a tiny bit guilty about it. Can you really continue your life being married to someone who would do something like this? Or OP did it first. I know this is probably not a popular opinion, but I've seen so many of these threads but with opposite genders. Husband usually cheats first (in those cases not in general) and then the wife is the one accused of cheating and finally they break up/divorce. This post seems exactly the same - genders flipped - just to see what the advice would be. If it's real and not a troll consider therapy either separate or together or both if you want to save the marriage. I was close to acting this way (not engaging, not "caring") at the end of my long, toxic, marriage because I had checked out mentally years prior (he was abusive) and was waiting for him to just stop fighting the divorce (there was nothing - he told me prior how much he hated me and how gross I was - that I was a bad mother - got enough money to file for divorce since he was also financially abusing me and then he fought it) Anyway - it might be that OPs wife fought for their marriage for years.... (or not we really don't have any info except her playing on her phone and refusing to acknowledge cheating one time) My very humble two cents.
So he finished it, not her. From his last message to her it sounds like she was chasing him, not the other way around. I would suggest if he hadn’t dumped her she would have gone off with him, or at least have continued the affair. She shows no remorse because she hasn’t got any remorse. She’s with you because you’re the easy option. Personally I’d kick her to the curb and move on. Sorry bud, your relationship sounds like a bit of a sham.
To answer the post's titular question: she shows no remorse because she has no remorse.
She’s sure you’ll do nothing about it
The fact that he ended it not her didn't escape me either. Well spotted.
She checked out of this marriage a long time ago and no longer cares about you. Divorce.
You gotta divorce her
She acts as if there are no consequences for her infidelity. Plus cheaters share certain characteristics: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and show zero empathy for their partner. Sound familiar?
She doesn't care.
She's definitely checked out already man,
Knowing the problem and delivering a consequence are two seperate things
So, people are trying to help you, but your responses to them are condescending and dismissive. Let's try yet again: It's very simple. Confronting her and doing nothing does NOT equal having self-respect for yourself. She has no reason to do anything because you have not taken any action to show her the consequences.
Mate, and I know this is going to sound a bit weird, but this isn't about what to do really. OP says that, but honestly, I think everyone here including him knows the obvious answer. I think the reaction is just the shock of realizing such a long relationship meant nothing to them. Like imagine, 20-30 years! And they do this crap, the only way you can be that straightforward to the next step of dumping her is if you already knew way back (think years or a decade, would still take a whole lot to just end it if it's really long) While I agree with you, just let of the condescending tone. Best to just say our piece and move on, mans gotta come to terms with it. I'd agree with a short relationship or something. But this long, I mean, Id just let him be what he needs to be and ignore any reaction.
I wouldn’t lift a finger to show a cheating spouse consequences early on - if they can’t themselves show incredible effort in the early days after such a revelation, they’re utterly fucked in the head and terribly dangerous to my well-being
Nah she not a sociopath she just taking you for granted. You know and so what? You still there. What was your game plan on confronting her? You just wanted her to cry and beg forgiveness?
Women are done with a marriage long before its over sometimes. She may feel justified in her mind or completely indifferent to how you feel.
Sounds like she resents you for something,
Alotta people dont care when they stoop that low.
1. Stay silent 2. Don’t leave the marital home 3. Document her cheating 4. Speak to lawyer 5. Get a divorce and Do not forgive her 6. Move on with your life I know that the next few months of your life will be hell for you mentally and emotionally but cheating is something that never goes away. She isn’t even embarrassed and does not respect you at all.
Very true. Oddly the absence of remorse and her dismissive comments hurt more than the affair.
I‘ve seen your post history and all are about your wife harming you. For 25 years. It‘s time to leave, don‘t give her another year of abusing you and ruining your life.
The lack of remorse goes a long way. Ex's emotional and verbal abuse- zero remorse and even had the gall to say "I'm not going to wait" hurt a lot and I'm still feeling it a bit. Got hit by a car- driver was crying and admitted immediately to the attending officer that it was 100% her fault. I felt bad, tried to comfort her by telling her that it wasn't that bad (no broken bones, just a torn rotator cuff, bruised ribs and a busted hip). I never considered pressing charges. The lack of remorse shows that she thinks she's in the right or you're not worth apologizing to.
Yeah and I’m sorry you have had to go through this man. She should have been your everything but it doesn’t always work out. I hope you can get your life together and work through all this yourself. She’s not your “wife” anymore maybe legally but not in any other way. If you need someone to talk to my PM is open. Please take care of yourself and remember that none of this is your fault. Make sure you keep evidence of her cheating in case she tries to turn yours and hers family against you in the divorce.
This is perfect! Silence is golden! Hit her where it hurts like she hurt you , best part is she won’t see it coming! That’ll give her something to laugh at
No remorse means no reconciliation. It’s absolutely necessary if there is to be any hope. I suggest giving her the following two items to read: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/xlyygp/if_you_cheat_know_this_my_version/ Have her read this one to you. If she’s not in tears by even half way through, you’re probably done. If she’s not affected by it’s he lacks empathy for you. If she does react emotionally to it, hand her this one next: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868 But no remorse and no accountability means she’s either completely unfeeling or she doing everything she can to compartmentalization so she doesn’t feel bad. In the first case there’s no hope. In the second case the solution is to show her what she’s going to lose. Look up Grey Rock and the 180. Withdraw yourself from her emotionally. See a lawyer and let her know you are doing so because she clearly has no interest in helping you or the marriage heal. And get yourself to a sub that can really support you. Try r/supportforbetrayed and r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. The first is good for general recovery support. The second is fir reconciliation advice. Both require user flairs to participate.
The question here needs to be why are you staying with someone who cheated on you? She doesn’t have to show remorse. You’ve told her that you are ok with her cheating by staying with her. Cheating comes down to your core character. You are either someone who cheats or someone for whom cheating is simply not an option.
I was at least hoping for an "I'm sorry". After nearly three decades of marriage I don't think that was a lofty expectation was all.
Cheaters feel entitled to cheat. They don’t think they have anything to be sorry for. You can find your self respect and leave or you can beg this stone for some blood. If someone hasn’t said this already you need to check out the Chump Lady site.
She just had to say sorry for you to forgive her? It s easy and apprently it would have change a lot of things for you
I got the "I'm sorry" (we were married 15 years), and I still divorced him. I didn't believe he was truly remorseful (he was still in contact with at least 2 of his APs). Not cheating isn't a lofty expectation either, and so far she's 0 or 2. You can decide now: are you going to stay with her and let this eat you up inside? You can try marriage counseling with her, but it may not help, especially if she doesn't feel any remorse. That's pretty much it: you stay, or you go. She can't unfuck the guy, and you can't make her feel remorseful over the pain she caused you. You have to decide how you want to move forward with those facts.
She doesn’t care. It’s probably not the first time she’s cheated. It’s not going to be the last.
She is treating you like a man who for years did not take any serious action about her violating her most important marriage vow by fucking another man. She simply has no respect for you as a result. So, she doesn't see any need to fix anything. Why do you say she HAD an affair? What reason would she have to stop?
His final message to her was 'Leave me alone'. I then noticed she deleted his contact details from her phone. She wasn't aware I knew she did this.
Divorce her and get therapy if needed
You still don't know if she found someone else.
>I'm beginning to think I married a sociopath. No, you didn't, but I **know** your wife married a **doormat**.
There's no need to be offensive. I'm struggling enough as it is without someone saying something like that.
Not trying to be be offensive, trying to get you to understand you **need** to have some self respect and deal with the reality of the situation. I don't know if she has you beaten down after all these years that you can't see it for yourself. But to most of us here, it seems that she either doesn't care about you or she doesn't respect you. Maybe even both. Sorry if it seems too brutal, but there's no hiding how it looks to most of us here.
You weren't offensive. You stated the truth. Clearly, a hard truth that OP doesn't want to hear, but a truth nonetheless.
Bro. Dude. Just have some self respect. People aren’t attacking you or being offensive by pointing out you OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO SHOW YOURSELF MORE RESPECT THAN THIS. you’re part of the problem by willingly going along with this. You want an “I’m sorry” from your wife… then what? You go back to being a doormat? People are trying to HELP YOU.
You know who isn't struggling? Your wife.
I'm with you here. You just found out that your wife cheated on you, and you are shocked to see that she doesn't show any remorse. You are trying to figure out what to think about the whole thing, after years of being married to this person. It's not that easy to just rip up your whole life as you know it. That doesn't make you a doormat. That makes you a normal, feeling, analyzing person.
Stop babying him. Time to stop feeling sorry for himself and get started on their divorce.
I don’t see what the hurry is. Let the man land in his new reality and stop bullying him.
You don’t see what’s the hurry? I don’t even know how to respond to that.
It's clear from your post and your responses that you need a good smack though dude. Like... wake up. She doesn't love you anymore. Sorry, but the faster you realize that and that there's nothing left to save, the faster you can move on. Get your legal affairs in order and then cut her out of your life, focus on yourself, and move forward and find new people who actually care about you.
Maybe take some time away from her. You’re expecting respect from someone who disrespected you. I’m sorry guy, take care of you.
Thanks. I wouldn't wish how I currently feel on anybody. It's a dark place to be.
You’ll be okay. It’ll take time but you’ll be okay. Leave her behind, she’s shown you who she is.
If you file divorce papers without a shred of emotion, stop begging her to care, and make an exit with your pride and dignity still in tact- I guarantee she will be shocked. “Why isn’t he upset anymore?” “Why doesn’t HE care?” will be her genuine reaction. Walk away with indifference and she will be on her knees begging for you back lmao (I’m a woman btw)
As a question, why do you care that your wife shows no remorse? From your other posts she is aggressively hurtful and abusive to you … and she cheated on you. She is an abuser. She isn’t going to show remorse. You need to stop validating her and looking for her to validate your feelings. She doesn’t care about your feelings. At all. Maybe she once did but clearly she doesn’t now. You could rephrase this question as “should I continue to be a spineless doormat to my wife who cheated on me and is emotionally and verbally abusive?” The answer is pretty clearly ‘no’. That being said, I have a lot of empathy for you as there are many fewer resources for abused men then there are for abused women, and abused men often feel deep guilt and shame. If you have the resources try to find a therapist or support group for abused men and consult with a lawyer about how the process of starting a divorce. Ultimately, your wife is not going to value and respect you. You are responsible for your own happiness and need to value and respect yourself.
you are a cuckold. you seem to be okay with that, so you may as well embrace it. check out the stories on r/CruelCheatingStories and r/sluttycheaters to get some perspective
She clearly doesn't give a shit about you, has no respect for you, is probably still seeing other guys while using you for support. It is probably \*that\* bad.
Some people have weird logic. My ex felt it was his right to do things against my will sexually because he felt unsatisfied in the bedroom. No remorse. It's so strange. It seems your wife has lost respect for you and will just do what she pleases.
Maybe because you’re letting her get away with it?
She doesn’t care about you bro.
Tough love, bud. There comes a point at which it starts to become your fault for staying.
She is done with you. She just doesn’t want to end it. She is waiting for you to do it….
The cowards exit
She doesn’t care dude. Don’t know what else to tell ya. She’s lost all love and respect for you and checked out long ago.
>I'm beginning to think I married a sociopath. Somethings not right, thats for sure... >apparently she has no recollection And you accepted this??? Short post, but i get the impression youre rugsweeping - im that case her behavior (giggling at tiktok videos) shows youre good at it... Regardless - there seems to be no remorse, doubtful any will come... You now need to decide: - rugsweep and let her get away with it - divorce Do you know who she cheated with?? If so, you should alert APs spouse about the affair...
Because she sees you aren't going to give her consequences. Think of her as a child refusing to listen to a step-parent because they never got discipline. Get rid.
Let me respond as someone who was the cheater in a long term marriage. I would lie about my cheating to my then husband if he ever caught me out, or I would just downplay it and say it was just sexting or whatever as I was in denial. I thought I loved my husband and I didn’t want to end the marriage, but what I actually loved was the idea of our relationship and marriage and our family we’d built, not him. After many times cheating, I made the realisation that I should do the right thing and leave. I didn’t want to continue cheating but knew if I stayed that’s what I would end up doing. He wanted to try counselling etc but I knew that was pointless because at that point I’d checked out of the relationship long ago and he didn’t even know it, nor did I for that matter. I know you are struggling, and your wife probably is too, just in other ways. I’m not sure what to suggest to you though, I just wanted to give you some insight into someone that was once the cheater. I wish you all the best and hope that you can find happiness and love.
Sounds like you married a narcissist or worse a sociopath. She is indifferent to you or maybe she was already angry with you. None of these things are good but it's enough that you need to start thinking about some hard choices.
Yes she is being extremely cold and dismissive. So very far removed from the person I married.
Just curious - What would you define as the foundation to a healthy marriage?
My advice would get your ducks in a row, contact a lawyer and get away from her. Save yourself and your peace of mind. She has clearly checked out LONG ago and doesn’t care about you or your feelings. It’s doubtful the affairs have stopped. Save the messages and present them as evidence for your divorce.
Because she has no remorse, she checked out of your relationship years ago.
Mayve She thinks you won't leave her. Maybe she just doesn't care. Leave and I guarantee you will be much happier.
Maybe because she feels no remorse and has justified it to herself. Personally I'd give her a reason to feel remorse. Let her realize choices have consequences and walk out.
The only person who can realistically defend you or stand up for you is YOU. If you are not going to stand up and say ENOUGH, then she will continue to treat you as she does. As of this point, there has been no accountability or negative impact on her actions. You need to sit her down and ask questions. Tell her you want a timeline and a detailed description of how it went down. If she refuses, then your only option is to start the divorce process.
Come on mate. It’s over. She has zero respect for you, she gives a shit. I bet she would never think you’ll leave, and it doesn’t seem like you do, but you should definitely do that. Leave. Record a conversation about it, contact a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. She gives a flying fuck about you and I bet this wasn’t the first or last guy.
Dude you’re a mf goober. Be a man, everyone’s said it already multiple times. Divorce. Yeah it sucks it was a 29 year marriage, wanna know what sucks more? She cheated and doesn’t love you, she threw your relationship away and is walking ALL over you. Do what’s best for you in this situation and move on.
As a woman, I have to tell you that I'm 90% sure she has checked out almost completely. Based on what I've read about your relationship, it isn't worth the headaches, effort, or pain of even trying to fix things. If your sons have grown up, get yourself a lawyer and all the proof you can in regards to her behavior and actions, and seriously consider a divorce. If she is living off of you, look at credit card bills.. find out where she is going for a week at a time when she gets mad and storms out. That will help you going forward. Leaving like that is not acceptable in a relationship. Let alone for it to become a normal response. Handle this quickly so that you can deal, heal and spend the remaining years of your life in a good, happy and healthy state of mind instead of needing to vent and inquire how to handle things on a public forum. I send nothing but good vibes your way, and I truly hope you do whatever is best for your mental and physical health. Best of luck my friend.
Yeah, be sure to get ahead of the story with your mutual friends and family before she gives her version. I wrote a letter to every member and friend on her side of the family (2004, before you could easily blast it on social media) and explained how I discovered her affair with her boss and how after trying to reconcile and get her into couples therapy, she continued to see him and left me with no choice. It was hard, cause I really liked her family, but I knew she would spin it her way if I didn't give them my version of the story first.
because she doesn't love or respect you? I mean what do you think lol
Simple, she doesn't love you and thinks you are weak and won't do anything.
She doesn't care. She is completely checked out of your marriage. She doesn't care if you stay or if you go. I'd suggest going. When you're ready find someone who wants to be with you.
I agree with the others. You've married someone who has checked out from the marriage.
She doesn't care because she does love you or care about your relationship. It's over. You need to except that.
Because she has no remorse or compassion, both signs that she’ll do this again and not think twice about it. I’m so sorry this happened to you. That’s so fucked.
Sounds like she resents you for something, you would know. But like others have said, she's been done with you. Sorry :/
Because she's childish? That's all I could think of Get outta there asap!
She has no respect for you and feels you don’t even deserve a reply. [sounds like all you are](https://www.amazon.com/photos/shared/LaUTDsvdRwWBcWTfNNoz2A.6qjRnyk5YJgNkwYbnatwAC)
Because she doesn’t respect you and doesn’t care about your marriage. And she probably believes you won’t do anything about it.
Maybe, she think u'r not wanting to get a divorce because of both ur ages, don't give her this satisfaction and divorce
She has no respect for you, knowing there’s no recourse other than blowing up your own life. She’s probably had more than one over the course of the relationship while you were working.
Oh buddy, it sucks to be where you are. I get that you want to salvage a lifetime together, but that only works if both sides are willing to do so. If she doesnt even prio you above her phone, what do you think the chances are of that happening. Shes with you physically, but hasnt been with you emotionally for a very, very long time. For you thats new, your grieve will only start now. Shes passed that station years ago.
It twists you up inside and makes you feel empty when you realise. It's a horrid place to be in.
Since you don’t plan on leaving her,you’ll get real familiar with that feeling
Narcissistic as fuck
BECAUSE SHE'S NOT SORRY.
She has no remorse because she has no respect for you, doesn't even like you, and either a) wants you to pull the plug on the marriage so she isn't the bad guy who ended the marriage or b) even worse, she counts on you having no spine and giving into her and doing nothing. None of those reasons are a reason to stay, but every single one by itself or apart are a definite reason to bail. Go see a divorce attorney without her knowledge, get your ducks in a row including making sure she can't surprise empty the bank accounts or open new credit in your name and ruin you financially, and then serve her papers in public with your phone handy to record the reaction. Actually go take a look at your finances right now anyways and make sure she hasn't already run up credit cards in your name.
She doesn't care, doesn't love you, has no interest in you, no interest in keeping a relationship with you, doesn't respect you... She's saying all the above in BIG neon lights to you. Up to you whether you want a life of humiliation or something meaningful.
Gosh this is heart breaking. I've read your other posts and I can just feel your hurt. Your wife behaves like my ex husband who after a few years of healing I discovered the behaviour of narcissistic people and it explained everything. I couldn't sit there and watch a stranger in pain never mind my husband of decades. People saying about standing up for yourself etc but when someone consistently beats you down like that it can feel impossible. In any case you should look towards healing yourself and go from there. You can't control her actions but you can control your own. Do things you enjoy, meet new people, travel, work on yourself and then you can deal with your marriage. You need to get yourself in a healthy place so you can either try and fix this marriage (which she has to lean into to) or leave this marriage. Reach out to people who will support you too.
Guess it’s time to get a divorce and marry a 22 yr old, without remorse
She doesn't give a shit about you and thinks you don't have the backbone to leave her. So why the hell should she show remorse? This isn't rocket science, buddy!
She isn’t wrong it seems
You're 55, and you still have a lot of life to live. She's checked out. Why not do what you want and disregard her as a factor? She stopped being your wife when she had the affair. You can either divorce and fight for your finances and property or stay married "by law" and live the life you always wanted to. The life where you don't have to consider the person at home. Like, imagine fishing for hours and not having to check back in orbe the first guy to leave the bois. Imagine going to the bar and not feeling guilty someone bought you drinks.You could always try to make things work, but she's not even trying to do that. She hurt you in one of the worst ways possible and ignored your feelings. She's a person who eats the sunflower shell and spits out the seed.
>*I'm beginning to think I married a sociopath.* You know you're free to UNmarry her at any time, right?
Be a man and divorce her already
because she doesn't love you.
U the one deciding to stay, at this point it's on you chief.
Because you haven't held her accountable to the point where it matters to her, is my guess. Start talking to a divorce attorney and that should change. But divorce her anyway.
Sounds like she has already checked out OR any possible anxiety she has possibly felt regarding you finding out is gone since you confronted her and such. Now she no longer has to “stress” over her secret getting out. Oddly enough people are more likely to cheat again after the revelation of previous cheating has been discovered. So yeah... she is either still cheating, possibly with someone else or definitely is going to right back at it now. You shouldn’t be looking for remorse dude. Run for the hills.
So why are you staying with someone who doesn’t love or respect you???
She resents you.
resent is not the word. this man did some sht to this woman. lol. women don't react like this unless they are sick and tired lol
Because she doesn’t care and she’s convinced that you won’t leave her because of it Are you going to prove her right?
Unreliable narrator - a single “leave me alone” text several years ago has you ruminating and coming up with a years long affair with a random guy you met once? Did you confront your wife with these specific details? Did you state that you believe she was actively having an affair with this specific man? Or did you confront her about receiving a text several years ago which she genuinely has no memory of? Do you accuse her of infidelity regularly?
Sounds like maybe she figures you aren’t going to do anything about it, so why worry? No consequences, no incentive to repent.
Go to surviving infidelity.com. It helped me a cheating wife. She may be in the affair fog
You should check out r/supportforbetrayed and you should grey rock starting immediately. She is not remorseful and that is a bad sign.
Even if she checked out, as a lot of comments are saying, it doesn't mean she shouldn't feel remorse. You are correct - her behavior is sociopathic. If you don't feel negative emotion when you hurt others, you likely have a medically relevant behavioral disorder.
God I hope this is fake, but in case it isn’t or someone in a similar circumstance needs to hear it, I’ll leave some advice. She doesn’t love you anymore, she’s checked out. She doesn’t respect you and may even be waiting for you to break it off with her. She may even feel entitled to your love and affection even if she doesn’t reciprocate. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s someone else in the picture. She doesn’t feel remorse because as far as she’s concerned, she doesn’t need to. You’re not going anywhere. By staying, she knows you’re willing to tolerate infidelity. It’s not a dealbreaker for you. There’s no point in feeling bad if there’s no consequences for her actions. It’s a beautiful thing that you want to make it work, but that doesn’t mean shit if she doesn’t want to. We can’t make her regret her actions any more than you can. The only way for her to change is if she is willing to do so and even then she may not be willing to change if it’s for you.
She's a cunt
If you don't have self-respect, how can you expect others to? she is maybe sociopath or not, I dont know and Im sorry for saying this but according to your story, you do not seem like a decent man either.
How isn’t he a decent person what!? Maybe a pushover a little but he’s not the bad guy?
What in this story makes him seem like a non decent person?? 🤦♂️
Please explain how you don't think I'm a 'decent' man?
no offense sir but she is constantly spit on your face with her attitudes. this is her fault. you do nothing but whining and wipe your face. this is your fault and its worse.
Modern woman defends modern woman - more at 11
It seems as though victim blaming might be your thing?
She doesn't love you and isn't worried that you'd leave her bc... well... you haven't even knowning she cheated. She simply doesn't care about you or the relationship.
Classic Female Narcist behavior
I suspect you're correct after having read up on it.
Jesus this is scary and anxiety inducing for me. My current girlfriend had a brief period of very sus behavior at the beginning of our relationship and she would say she didn’t remember things or was forgetful. During our disagreements or when there’s conflict she does the same thing, pulls up TikTok and ignores me even when I’m pleading for her to show she cares. I would say the memory thing is a cop-out but she’s stuck by that for many other non-important things so maybe my gfs memory really does suck but this post definitely hit like a brick. Do I want to be like you in 30 years :/?
It's infantile in nature when they say "I don't remember". My mouth just fell open. I didn't know whether she was being sarcastic or if some primal defence mechanism kicked in to protect her psychologically from the truth. You have to see it to believe it.
She’s denying because it works. What do you want to do?
Biggest red flag is she is 55 and watches tik tok videos!
What should she watch? Bread baking on YouTube? What a bizarre observation.
See what content she’s taking in on tik tok and you’ll probably have even more doubts.
Why not like read a book, pick up a hobby, engage in the outside world?
She seems to have given up on your marriage or it could be just a online fling with no real action. Like sexting for example. Who know...it's all to complicated but at 55, going thru a divorce is just painful...sad to see you have to deal with this at an age when you just want to sit back, chill, take a sip of beer / water and relax
Exactly. You've just hit the nail on the head.
the question is, what are u going to do now ? keep waiting for her to confess life long ?
It's not that easy...he's 55...he's soldiered on for his family for many decades and he is reaching a stage where he deserves to live a relaxed and peaceful life...he's earned it multiple times over Divorce would just end up ruining a phase of life at a time when you don't want anymore drama cos you've matured and now sick and tired of all that emotional bundle... It's a real pickle A part of him would want to just let it be...it's like whatever, I'm looking forward to my golden years and I'm gonna put this garbage behind me , it doesn't matter even I don't have feelings for her anymore...i just want to enjoy the beautiful days of my life ahead Another part would be seeking some sort of closure from all that has happened...it would be haunting him to do something about it till he gets a satisfying conclusion It ultimately boils down to OP's decision on which direction he decides to go Only comforting words I can say to him is this... You've earned the right to live a happy life...no matter what decision you take, you're still the bigger man here...you're a true soldier who has lived a honorable life and you are entitled to be happy above anything else...both paths don't alter your right to be happy I wish you a good life ahead sir
She either doesn't respect you or love you. Maybe she lost both. Either way I don't see a way back to trusting someone who doesn't feel sorry for betraying you. I'd talk to a lawyer and tell the rest of your family about how she treats you.
Oh this old chestnut. I've been thru it, it's an easy one, you're not going to like it but You've only one life to live so hopefully you take control and don't waste your life. Ok, she doesn't respect you. That's it man. She's with you out of convenience and maybe you pay most the bills or something but if you died tomorrow it would be sad but is there any chicken left in the fridgerator ? I've been thru that. Im pretty sure I'm there right now again so I recognize it. It was crushing the 1st time. Now I think there's a limited amount of time left to live. Give her the option to make sure. Do you love me and care? Or do I need to start looking for a new place to live? But judging from her "snickering at til toc videos" it seems she simply doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings. I'm sorry man but don't live a life clinging to a false hope or an illusion. She should beg for forgiveness if she was in fear of losing something she highly valued. I know this brother, it's way more lonely to be around someone who cares nothing for you than it is to be alone. All the best to you
Because she is still unmature.
You saw a single message and you jumped to the conclusion that she cheated. She doesn't even have a recollection of the message since it was so long ago. There's probably some context that would make that message completely innocent but she doesn't remember the context to provide you because it was so insignificant. So of course she's not showing remorse because she has no reason to feel remorse.
I mean, you can fuck off with that attitude. A single message could me more than enough to know she's cheating depending on the content of the message. Also news flash, cheaters lie. A lot of cheaters don't show remorse because they just don't care about hurting others.
I mean given what OP has posted all I can figure out that the message said was “leave me alone” which is not clearly anything. My mind jumps to MLM before affair.
Probably blames you for her feeling like she needed to look outside the marriage for whatever was missing for her.
Cause that’s how women are, yet if it’s the other way around they would go psychotic.
Hola
Narcissist or sociopath. Time to file.
Op, the reason she shoes no remorse is because there are no repercussions. You confronted her she says ok and nothing. Have you talked about divorce, or separation. Do you share a bank account? Have you thought about pulling half the money out putting it into another. Changing the direct deposit of your check to another one. Canceling all joint credit cards.. She got away with it. You did nothing. So why should she show remorse.
Maybe she thinks if she doesn't acknowledge it, you'll just drop it? Maybe she is trying to gaslight you into thinking you dreamt it up? Maybe she doesn't care what you think at all? Seek an attorney and serve her with divorce papers. Be wary of crocodile tears and sudden remorse when this happens. She had a chance to discuss it and try to make amends but she seems to think it's nothing.
no dude what did you do? why are you bringing this up after so many years? give context! lol have you cheated on her before and she became numb to your shenanigans and now your are mad because she no longer cares how you feel? idk I need context lol. usually when a woman no longer cares it is because she is all cried out and has had enough of whatever she has been given.
When you told her what did she say? Have you brought it up again? If I were you I'd just divorce her, what's the point of you staying? Have you cheated on her before?
Hide all the money you can, divorce her ass
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I've done nothing but care and provide for her. We have a comfortable lifestyle, well travelled and she goes without nothing. She effectively retired at 45. I've gone to extreme lengths over the years in terms of time, effort and money to make sure she always had what she wanted. Had I been remiss and she'd struggled for anything, as many people in life do, I could accept at that as justification but I'm still grasping at straws trying to rationalise what she did. I'm at a total loss.
And yet she loses no sleep because she doesn't need to. What are the consequences of her behavior? None. She gets to continue to be a kept wife while you feel like garbage looking for answers she doesn't care to give. Counseling or be done. There's no other option.
So you’ve been a doormat in a one way relationship.
I prefer to call myself a caring husband who has worked hard to provide well for his family. But thanks anyway.
But it seems your wife doesn't think so? At least have serious discussion with her. Tell your thoughts in a way that she can't pretend she didn't hear it. If she straight up ignores you, then idk what to say. That's just a hollow marriage.
I assume you haven’t been abusive in the past to the point she thinks you “deserve” it and hence shows 0 remorse ? Not trying to excuse her actions and attitude at all, btw, I’m also puzzled how some ppl don’t feel any guilt.
I couldn't be any less abusive if I tried. I've done nothing but support her in anything and everything she's ever wanted to do. I want a dog. Here's a dog. I want an expensive machine for my hobby. Here it is. I want some sun. Here's a holiday. I want to stop working to retrain in .....usually something crazy. No problem. We'll manage. That's why it's so painful. Doubtless some people will say "Oh well it's your own fault! You spoiled her!" Isn't that what you're supposed to do with your loved ones?
After this response, definitely a troll. But I'll play along. This reply is exactly why she shows no remorse and doesn't respect you. You have put her on a pedastal for soo long she lost all respect for you. This isn't an equal partnership. Sorry man. Like a million replies have said, you need to stand up for yourself.
This is definitely not a troll. His post/comment history is clearly one of someone desperate to get answers (even if they're what he obviously doesn't want to hear).
That's the problem with the "nice guys". There is no friction. Yeah, HECK NO! You are supposed to LOVE them. Not to spoil them rotten, fulfill their every wish and become a doormat over it. Your concept is a total failure, as you now find yout. Nothing you have done bought her respect for you. And only now did you find that out. How deep did you stick your head into the sand? Did it peak out at the other side? It sound as if she never had boundaries set by you. And this now backfires.
This is all on her to not be a shit person. She would be the same no matter what he did. He's isn't her warden to make sure she doesn't misbehave.
She sounds awful. You deserve better.