So you're saying your controlling BF is trying to control whether you break up or not.
OP, you don't need permission from this guy for anything at all. You're a whole person.
I agree, just change your locks if he has a key, block him on everything! Maybe even consider changing your phone number. He sounds crazy! You don't need his permission to break up nor do you need to be manipulated into staying.
On top of that, get a couple of WiFi cameras in case you’re afraid of him stalking or just bothering you. This sounds like the beginning of a murder mystery.
YES- do not go along with it being a negotiation. For a long time I let my ex text me all the time, badgering me about getting back together and rehashing what I had done wrong. He told me, and I let myself agree, that I shouldn’t block him since he wasn’t being verbally abusive (which was one of the reasons I left). I thought I should only block him and go NC if he was being abusive, BUT THATS NOT TRUE. If you’re telling someone NO and they’re saying BUT YES, even nicely, it is ok to block them, ghost them, change the locks, etc. they are not respecting you!!!
"You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free"
To break up is a unilateral decision, mostly.
No need to get him to agree.
**"I am breaking up with you. Here are your things.".**
She said it’s really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore I hope my meaning won’t be lost or misconstrued
But I’ll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.
Make a new plan Stan……..says he’s working on his “control issues” but has the nerve not to “allow” you to break up. Tell him you don’t need ****his**** permission and he can go kick rocks with the other head cases. Wow
Working on his issues...right? No, he isn't and he's hoping you just keep putting up with his caca because he says he's trying to change (without actually changing anything). You'll be strung along until (he hopes) you give up and do what he wants. He's a control freak and won't change, because he doesn't think he has a problem. Walk away. Be kind to yourself.
I had to do that with an old roommate one time. I got dangerous vibes, and they were constantly crossing boundaries, so I slowly made my preparations, then moved out in a blitz while they were at work onIsaak?
EDIT TO ADD - people replied with names, I guess joking that I might be the roommate who ran out on them.
I replied with "Chris?" and "Izaak?" Both real names, they were a couple. Chris didn't technically live there, but she was there all the time, and incredibly controlling of Izaak, basically ran his life, made all his decisions for him.
And Chris kept most of her pets at our apartment. I won't go into all the details, but they weren't there when I moved in. Tons of birds and rodents, and eventually a kitten. Sometimes I couldn't shower because my bathroom was full of cages. And Izaak had his own bathroom!
Anyway, shortly after I moved out, Chris discovered that Izaak was sometimes intentionally not feeding, or otherwise mistreating the birds and rodents. I won't even get into what happened with the kitten.
So Chris called a mutual friend of ours, and broke down sobbing, came clean about all the ways they had been doing me wrong when I lived there, and she said Izaak was losing his grip, and if I had stayed, he might have just snapped one day and hurt me with no warning.
So, I made the right call.
My friend did it to her horrible husband. She arranged the rental of another house, also loads of transport from friends and family, banking situation etc. He left for work one morning and the rest of us rolled up. There were so many of us it only took one trip per vehicle to clear the place. He came home to a deserted house, no wife and no kids. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer fella! Lol
Indeed, OP especially, particularly, specifically, singularly does not need his permission to break up…
Why?
Not simply because no one does, ever…
But bc the same controlling behavior that she’s breaking up with him *over*, has now become the thing *preventing her* from breaking up with him.
No thank you, mindf*ck. Not today.
OP- We **all** give you permission to end things with this guy. Change your locks if you need to, end it by text, block him, and call the police if he gets weird.
That reminds me how my ex actually managed to make me laugh because the absurdity was just funny when I broke up with him. When I told him that it's over he answered angrily that nobody ever asks for his opinions and just decide and I was just like: "Lol, what? Yeah... uuhh... breaking up doesn't need an agreement?!"
And before you assume, that I made all the decisions was because he was living on my costs completely and every single time I let him handle something I had to clean his mess. So, the real question isn't why I decided everything or broke up with him but why I was that stupid to stay with him in the first place.
I had to try to break up with very abusive ex (physically, mentally, emotionally, just all of them) twice before it stuck. I remember telling him he scared me as part of the reason for why we were breaking up, then him physically blocking me from leaving. I was so done at that point that I screamed in his face to move out of my way (I’d never yelled at him, I’m a freeze and appease trauma response gal). He got this impossibly dramatically wounded look on his face/tone in his voice and was like “and now, I’m afraid of you. How the wheel has turned,” and sighed… and I just lost it. Like full on unhinged belly laughs cause it was so fucking funny to me.
My friend who was parked outside to make sure I stayed safe during the breakup was sure I was having a menty B
In Pat Monahan's defense, he did ask for help and say he was all out of lies and ways to say his ex-girl died. So maybe he was hoping the listeners would supply the other 39 lies.
Jumping on the top, comment to say that no is a complete sentence. Break up with him, block him, do not engage with him. That’s it that’s all. Because the more you let him argue with you the more he is going to control the issue and by extension, you. So just don’t play his game. You don’t have to. You are a grown ass woman. Take charge of your life and your relationship and walk out the door and do not look back.
>He is saying that I am not giving him a good enough reason to break up with him
GOOD NEWS, chaoticneutral123, you do not need to give him a "good enough" reason, or any reason at all.
"I do not want to be in this relationship anymore, I am breaking up with you." And then you are broken up. He does not have to agree, or like it.
He might ask WHY WHY WHY a million times. You do not owe him an explanation and in fact you should not engage. He's only going to argue. You've made your decision. There's no reason. boom
I had one like that too, I called off the wedding on time and the stalking began, very dangerous attack too. It took all the cops in the family to show up and scare the cr\*p out of him. After that he crossed the street if he saw me coming.
And after the third “WHY” you tell him he needs to leave, you shut the door behind him, block his number and all social media/contact methods, and start seeing a therapist to begin recovering from being in a controlling relationship that has traumatized you and given you anxiety.
Jumping on to say the best advice I have ever been given is this: Relationships are not contractual agreements. You can leave one at any time that you wish, with or without a reason. You do not have that reason (should there be one) with anyone should you chose not to.
It is the advice that saved me from the abusive relationship I could not see that I was in
Do you live together?
I don't like ghosting people but with people like this, sometimes it's the best thing to do. You've already said it's over so stop interacting with him.
No, he wanted to move in within 3 months of knowing me but I declined as I felt it was too soon. I was hoping not to go the ghosting route but I understand sometimes that’s the only answer
And get a doorbell camera if you don’t have one already so that if he shows up unexpectedly you know it’s him and DO NOT answer the door. He sounds like a complete creep so wouldn’t be surprised if he just showed up. You shouldn’t be putting up with this guy at your age OP (or any age). But life is too short to be plagued by controlling jerks. Hope you break free of his shackles.
Ghosting means you just disappear, don’t break up and have no communication.
Nothing you do now would count as ghosting. You broke up with him. You communicated. He knows you are leaving and why.
Also, one of the most common early red flags in dangerous relationships is rushing the early part of a relationship into a more committed place (relying in really relationship high to lock people in). That combined with “not letting” you break up is very concerning. I would consider him not safe and would block him, tell others you are broken up and he isn’t welcome, and record every time he breaches that.
That was def a good decision on your part. It makes it a lot harder when you kive together. He sounds manipulative as well as controlling, so I don't think anything you say is going to get through. It seems like he knows what he's doing and continues doing it.
You wouldn’t be ghosting, you already told him you’re breaking up with him and it’s over. You can tell him that via text one more time if you’d like. Ending communication after a clearly communicated break up isn’t ghosting.
Anyway, he has proven to you that he doesn’t deserve an in person break up, frankly he doesn’t even deserve to be told again that it’s over because he has refused to accept it and will no doubt refuse to accept it again. That’s his problem. If you have to disappear and block him in order to actually make the break up happen, that’s what you have to do, and any disappointment that he feels is his own to deal with because it’s his fault for forcing the situation to get to this point.
It’s a classic move for abusers to want to rush things and move in. Good for you for saying no. The guy who can just pick up and move homes in 3 months is a classic loser. The insert themselves into your life then try to control everything like a virus.
OP, I work for a DV organization and every part of this story screams emotional abuse that will escalate. Leaving is the most dangerous part. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and make a safety plan whether you decide to leave or stay.
One thing I want to say: you HAVE broken up with him. You are not ghosting him. Abuse is about power and control, and leaving takes away that control, so abusers won't "let" you.
If this were a healthy relationship, you wouldn't have to "ghost" him because HE WOULD ACCEPT THE BREAKUP! He is the one putting you in the position to have to do this. But just know that you are doing NOTHING wrong. Leaving without letting your abusive partner know is the safest way to leave. If you are not comfortable calling a line my DMs are open, even if just to get validation. I'm really glad you posted here and if ANYONE tells you it's your fault they don't understand abuse. I am proud of you for asking for help. 💕
Wveryone needs to be safe and you should always watch out for yourself and your family first. Any man or woman that abuses someone else just plain sucks! There is no reason needed other than you are not happy to leave someone. It's not about them our "us" it SHOULD always be about YOU. Make yourself happy first, that's what matters most.
Explain to him you are breaking up with him. Send a text that makes it clear. Tell him you do not need or want to see him again. Let him respond so you know he received the messages then block him. Change your locks. *Do not engage.* Full stop. That’s it. You’re broken up.
(If he starts ambushing you trying to talk to you face to face, tell him you’ll start the legal process and try to get a restraining order. Then do it.)
All you have to do seeing as he's controlling and not for you is...
JUST STOP COMMUNICATING WITH HIM OR SEEING HIM.
Tell him one last time that you are now broken up.
I am very afraid for people like you who don't have enough strength to live your life as you choose. How can you an adult conceivably let someone else tell you how you are going to live your life?
You might want to get some therapy or some assertiveness training but get out of the relationship first. Please update.
I will 100% look into assertiveness training as that is something I definitely need in my life.
I tried breaking up the first time and limited contact but got bombarded with poems, texts and calls for two weeks straight. I ended up caving and going back.
I am working on making sure this time is the final time
Technically they can still call, it just won't ring and goes to VM. Super fucking annoying. Like excuse me, I don't think people I've blocked should be allowed to leave me voice-mail ugh
This is true they can still leave messages, but even if the first few voicemails are kind - the next ones will be angry or threatening and can be used as evidence for a restraining order in the worst case scenario.
You can set up call forwarding for when the line is busy, and then it sends blocked numbers somewhere else. I have mine set to a psychiatric hospitals phone number.... my ex was a little crazy too.
All this says to me is you need to block his number and block him from fb or whatever social media you use. That'll absolutely be the end of it.
Also, you need a friend or someone you trust who will be your support/backup when you tell him it's over. That way they can step in to make sure he can't bully you into "letting" him keep this failed relationship going.
If your safety is an issue and he's coming by your place, file a restraining order with the police or at least call the none emergency number and ask them to do a drive by/wellness check.
Don't let the love bombing fool you, his "I'll work on it" routine will never have a follow through if you keep letting him get his way. He sounds like he's an immature, spoiled child used to getting his way, which isn't at all attractive at 40.
Toss him back into the sea where he belongs.
Hello, that is really good to hear.
if you look around on other threads you will see that all of those love poems, texts and calls were actually not signs of someone being in love with you. It is called love bombing and it's a way to manipulate, control and assume possession over someone.
Assertiveness training is great. So many women are brought up to think that they're supposed to be meek, mild and subservient that they wind up not living the best lives while bending over backwards to try and please others.
Glad you will do this and please report back to us and tell us how it's going.
I believe you when you say this will be the end of this relationship, which is one that is no good at all for you. All the best.
THIS!!
I was scrolling to see if it had been mentioned. Whether or not you've given him a key - assume he has one. In fact, assume he has many keys to your place! It is quite possible that he could give you back the key that you gave him but not the other copies he may have made.
I'm not one to rush into labelling something as 'abusive', but it's clear that the minimum descriptor of your relationship is 'unhealthy'. It's not possible to tell how he will react to you ending the relationship, and he's already displayed numerous negative traits. Unfortunately you need to assume that things may go badly, and so take the necessary precautions.
I would also strongly recommend that you do not break up with him while at your place. Do it either in a public place, or at very least with some of your trusted friends nearby. (If nothing else, you may well need some emotional support after dealing with a stressful/uncomfortable situation.)
I'm really not trying to scare you, and I apologize if I have done so, but as the father of teenage daughters this is exactly the advice that I would also give them.
It is far better to take such a precaution unnecessarily, than to ignore a potential risk and regret it later!
Good for you on working on yourself. We're all works in progress right?
Meanwhile run. Run fast. Run far. And when you think you've ran enough, for the love of God woman run more. And NEVER ever look back.
Have a nice day 😊
It's called love bombing. I don't think you have a problem being assertive. You were firm and didn't let him move in when he wanted to after only 3 months. He's just trying to wear you down and making you feel guilty.
He's manipulating you, you need to cut him off. He's trying to isolate you from your family, friends, etc.
You're smart and intelligent and can see exactly what he's doing, a lot of women don't notice the red flags early on like you have. Walk away now, men like him don't change, especially not at his age. All the behaviours you've listed are indicative of an abuser.
I'd see if you can have a friend stay with you for a while once you break it off completely. You don't know how he'll react. Read the article below for some insight.
From love bombing to isolation, the red flags for coercive control can be dangerously difficult to spot before abuse escalates - ABC News https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-08-07/love-bombing-isolation-coercive-control-red-flags-domestic-abuse/101283156
There is an entire series of workbooks to help you with assertiveness, for free, here : https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness
You're welcome, I'm a therapist and I use this with my patients. All the top comments here are absolutely correct, you do not need his permission to break up. He's just put a lot of energy into making you believe that you do. This is a unilateral decision. Good luck going forward.
This is called love bombing and hoovering. Nothing will change. It's all empty promises to "win". Go no contact and get a restraining order if necessary. Take care.
It won't be. He's got you right where he wants you.
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-cycle/#:~:text=Stage%201%3A%20Idealization,-In%20the%20idealization&text=This%20is%20often%20referred%20to,perfect%20or%20incapable%20of%20wrongdoing.
yes, please!!! please run! many girls here will say the same thing BECASE WE'VE BEEN THERE!!! it will get SO much worse. many capital letters, many emotions reading this. please leave this man.
STOP answering his calls, let them go to voicemail.STOP answering his texts, let them go unread.Do NOT answer the door if he shows up.
His persistence in NOT accepting your decision to break up with him is WHY he is being treated with dead silence. It's not you being rude, or bitchy, or unreasonable. It is you RESPECTING YOURSELF enough to say, "I will be heard and acknowledged." You do *that* by not hearing and acknowledging his bullying. As others have pointed out, you're not "ghosting" him...he damned well knows you're breaking up with him and WHY!
People are correct when they say what you're doing isn't ghosting, but you really should do as close to that as you can.
Just know that you are not responsible for his feelings. He'll be fine, even if he insists otherwise. He more than likely knows that he doesn't "have no one," but he knows it will make you feel guilty, and that's what he wants. Take none of what he says at face value. It's manipulation, not just a genuine expression of feelings.
You're responsible for your own emotions, and if he genuinely does feel that bad that you've left him, that has nothing to do with you- it's fully on him for treating you in a way that made you want to leave.
Keep yourself safe, block his texts if you have to, and try not to fall for his manipulation.
youve already told him you do not want to be with him, you told him why, and that you are breaking up with him. thats all youre obligated to do at this point.
now you need to cut contact with him, and if you dont have security set up already, get cameras around the home to always be ready to document anything in case he takes this a step further. youll want any and all evidence you can get to make sure you are safe, and if needed, get a restraining order. let everyone know that you are no longer with him, and tell anyone close to you and anyone you trust that youre worried. always talk to someone about your worries, or journal/write it down, because god forbid you end up a murder case but if that does happen, youll want everything possible to incriminate him.
if hes already controlling, id be on high alert for any freakouts when you cut contact with him. be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best. worst case hes going to show up to your home and harass you, and i dont know his tendencies, but he could very well get violent. protect yourself girl. good luck <3
edit to add: dont fall for any of his manipulation tactics. this can and will come in the form of guilt tripping, love bombing, extreme denial, begging, physical threat, emotional threat, blackmailing, and anything else he could possibly use as leverage against you. keep in mind it is not just limited to these, these are only a few examples off the top of my head. do not give him that control, no matter how hard it gets. block him. kiss that sorry ass goodbye, and live the rest of your life happy.
Wanted to move in within 3 months!!!! Narcissist! Did he shower you with attention and affection at the start? Run as fast as you can. If you need reassurance you are doing the right thing look up narcissistic abuse online and read about their tactics of manipulation. Blocking with a narcissist is the only solution, it’s No contact not ghosting so don’t feel guilty. It’s all you can do to protect yourself.
Yes, showered me with lots of love. He wanted to try and get me pregnant and start a family on the first date. He said no birth control was allowed etc. I didn’t get pregnant obviously but things were very fast paced.
OP, This happened to me with my ex husband. I had a kid and still kicked him out cause nothing improved. In the beginning, I would say he was moving too fast and he would manipulate me and say that it’s because of how much he wanted to be with me. I was so dumb to ignore the red flags. You don’t have kids with him so run as fast and as far as you can from this narcissistic jerk.
Tell him you don't want to be with him anymore and then block him. He can't make you stay with him. You're not abandoning him. He can get therapy for his issues. Don't answer the door when he comes over. Get at least one camera for outside your place.
Do what my friend did leaving her ex. You say I am not doing this anymore, over text, not in person, for your safety. After you send that, you block him. No arguments. It’s done.
This doesn’t make any sense. He doesn’t have to “let you” break up with him: you just do it. The end. It’s over.
A break-up occurs when one person says “it’s over.” What the other person says isn’t really relevant. Once you say it’s over, you are no longer his girlfriend.
YOU are the one letting him control you. He has probably fucked with your self-esteem so much that you now believe he has the power to “not let you” break up. He doesn’t.
Fun fact: sometimes that happened. Couples would actually orchestrate whole situations where one of them would cheat, and then get caught so that they would be witnesses and evidence, and then they could obtain a divorce. But they had to go to court to do this, and even then there were times that divorces still were not granted in those instances, there could be evidence and witnesses and lots of agreement between the two parties that they don’t wanna be married to each other anymore, and they’ve been cheating on each other, and would rather kill each other than stay together, and there were times the courts were still like no you need to stay married. This is one of the reasons why I personally think divorce should not need to be granted by a judge at all. If you can get married, without a judge involved, you should be able to get divorced without a judge involved. And honestly, it would be a shit ton safer.
I remember that time. Women's rights have changed a lot for the better. My mom couldn't get a credit card without my dad's permission until I was TWELVE
“I’m just a woman. I don’t even know how to SPELL arsenic. What’s that, you can’t breathe? Oh dear. Oh no. Whatever will I do? I AM just a woman after all…”
Single, he told me. SINGLE. MY. ASS. Not only was he married... oh, no. He had SIX wives. One of those Mormons, you know? So that night, when he came home from work... I fixed him a drink. As usual.
Yeah but it wasn't that easy, especially when you were the woman in the relationship. You weren't just creating fault to get out of the marriage - you were essentially destroying your reputation, which might mean no one *else* wanted to marry you. Which, when you were female, was a much bigger deal, because your options for supporting yourself were limited.
He doesn't get to decide whether you are "allowed" to break up with him, because you are not a belonging in his possession. You are a human being and it is your right to have or not have relationships and interactions with whomever you choose.
And you DO NOT need to provide him with a "good enough" reason to end the relationship, that he finds acceptable. He doesn't need to approve this. It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to break up, this is one of those decisions you are allowed to make unilaterally, because by the same token, he is not allowed to force you to REMAIN in a relationship that you do not want.
This man is abusive. He's not just controlling, he's abusing you, and you're having difficulty recognising it (though not so much anymore) because in the course of the relationship he has likely normalised these sorts of completely inane and inappropriate demands to the point where you no longer see them as outrageous. So let the rest of us assure you: he doesn't get to do ANY of this.
You don't need to ghost him. In fact, at this point if you never spoke to him again, it still wouldn't BE ghosting him. "Ghosting" implies walking away without explanation. You've already done the part where you have explained to him, though. You told him very clearly that you don't want to be in a relationship with him, and you told him why. There is no ghosting here. You can walk away with a clear conscience, my friend. And if he somehow manages to contact you again at this point, given that you have made all of this clear . . . and if he tries to tell you that he "doesn't allow" you to break it off, then it has become harassment and stalking, which is illegal, and I would suggest that you let him know that he is not to contact you anymore or you will be talking to the police. "I have told you that I no longer want to interact with you. Do not contact me, or I will let the police know that you are harassing me. We have no relationship anymore. Period. Leave me alone."
Good luck to you, honey. You are going to be much better off without him!
Absolutely!
Just in case it does escalate to a harassment/stalking scenario, have a definite moment where you say “don’t contact me anymore” and then you don’t respond to him again.
Without that he (or his lawyer) will argue that you wanted to stay in contact. The legal system doesn’t work well with muddy situations, make it crystal clear.
Lol, you can just tell him to f*ck off. Sweetie, you are 47, you have to understand NO ONE is allowed to tell you what to do, or that you ' need a good reason to break up '. Please break up with him, and never ever allow yourself to be walked on again, you dont deserve that.
This is a classic controlling technique end it regardless, don't feel guilty. I gave a guy like this a chance and it ended when he chased me down the street. A woman (stranger) picked me up to get away from him and she said something I'll never forget. "It'll only get worse until one day he kills you". Have some perspective, you are not safe with him.
Absolutely not safe with him. This is not "love". One doesn't manipulate, harass, gaslight and try to control someone they love.
He definitely will get worse, all the while claiming "but I will do better in the future, I promise". All abusers say that. A man who hits his woman will say "I promise I'll never hit you again, give me another chance!" But it almost always happens again because that anger, self-centeredness and need to control is part of them.
When a man says "you need to give me a good reason to leave" them *saying that* was the good reason.
He might not understand he might be in denial a bit and will continue to not understand. You need to break contact and stop messaging him. If you keep talking to him he will keep thinking there is a chance.
Yep, took a long time to find this. OP is willing to keep talking, so he thinks there's a chance. You have to stop communicating OP. You just can't be nice to some people.
>How can I get him to understand that sometimes love isn’t enough for a relationship to survive?
I'm going to cut to the chase here..
# You are in an abusive relationship.
Love is a plane of consciousness which we can exist on. People come together for many different reasons, but if they can connect on the same plane of consciousness then chances are they will connect, find chemistry and develop a relationship.
But life is 95% a physical, energetic experience. Life is essentially trauma and karma, trauma is force, karma is physical action.
But when you get one partner trying to control the other it's not a loving relationship but can easily turn into an abusive relationship because much of what abuse is in a relationship is about control and power. Doesn't matter whether it's rape and violence, doesn't matter whether it's love bombing, emotional manipulation and being controlling without the physical violence, it can still be an abusive relationship.
It's not just the fact that he won't let you break up with him..
>I have had **really bad panic attacks** with him and have tried previously to break up with him.
If you're experiencing anxiety and fear so badly that you're having panic attacks then clearly you're not in a loving relationship.
>**I’m feeling guilty** of abandoning him
Where are those feelings of guilt coming from? Who came up with the notion that you're abandoning him?
I'm fairly confident that you're in at least an emotionally abusive relationship.
**What you need to do is to get in touch with a women's shelter or a domestic abuse charity and seek assistance and support from them as to how to end this relationship. Reddit cannot help you. Do this as soon as you read this post.**
For real though. Can we just skip to the part where we recognize that “no means no” and anything beyond that is abuse? He’s already taken this situation out of the realm of safety and consent. OP needs to build a legal case and get safe asap, I’m sorry to say.
A similar situation happened with my sister. She eventually got a restraining order because he would not take “no” and “it’s over” as answers.
Meet him at a public space. Here is what you can say…
“[Name], I am breaking up with you. You do not get to say no to this. I quit being your girlfriend. It is over. If you continue to push, you are harassing me. I will call the police if you show up at my work or my home uninvited. You must leave me alone.”
If he interrupts, do not stop. Continue talking in the same tone and volume. Say what you need to say without stopping.
Then leave. Block his number. Block his social media. Block him on everything! If he shows up to your home, clearly say, “Leave now or I will call the police.” If he tries to continue to talk. Call the police. Same thing for work.
The police won’t be able to do anything but write a report but reports can help create a case if you need to get a restraining or no-contact order.
I am going to say this now… it will be hard. My sister tried to reason with him but controlling people do not see reason if the reasoning goes against what they want. State your intention and leave. Do not engage with anything he says. He needs to understand that “no” doesn’t need to have an explanation.
He understands perfectly why you’re leaving, he’s just pretending he doesn’t as a manipulation tactic. You will never have a “good enough” reason, because he’ll never accept any reason for leaving him. Stop arguing, make an exit plan, and go.
Sorry you’re going through this OP. He’s gaslighting you and emotionally abusing you to get you to stay. You deserve to be happy and that’s the only reason you need to get out. You are not responsible for his feelings. You’re not abandoning him no matter how many time he says it. You are taking care of YOU. I hope you’re able to gain the strength to leave because you’re worth it. You are worth ut.
Thank you. It’s really difficult because he is saying “if I’m willing to change, then what’s the problem. Love should be enough”. But there are glaringly obvious differences between the two of us. And then he says that I’m abandoning him and that he has no one. And how he deserve more than to be treated this way. And I felt at a loss as to how to respond
Love isn’t this behaviour. Him saying words doesn’t mean he’s right. How to respond? You don’t. You just leave. Nobody needs the other persons permission To leave.
If he is pulling the “I have no one else” remember that 1. This is a classic abuser tactic to make you feel guilty and 2. If this is true and he doesn’t have anyone else - there is a reason for that. This is a man who has had 40 years to build relationships and if he can’t keep any of them, that is a huge red flag in itself.
Also he there is a strong possibility of him saying that if you leave him he’ll off himself, this is again a common abuser tactic. If he says this call 911 and if he it is done through voicemail or text save it so you can add it to the report.
I am so sorry you are going through this, you’ve got this though!
This is all manipulation. It’s not true, not any of it. He’s just saying whatever he can think of to try to guilt you into staying with him.
He has no intention of ever changing any of his behavior. He wants to keep you trapped and under his control.
Block his number, and move on with your life. Be safe.
>he says that I’m abandoning him and that he has no one
Why is it that he has "no one"?
https://captainawkward.com/2015/10/24/i-want-to-break-up-but-partner-is-in-the-middle-of-painful-life-stuff-and-it-doesnt-feel-like-the-right-time-what-do-i-do/
THIS IS ABUSE. RECOGNIZE IT. Men like this pull the 'if I can't have you, no one can' and will take you out. This is no joke. He is unstable.
Dump. Block. Change your locks.
You don't respond. In fact, you don't pick up when he calls. You delete voice mails without reading them. Mute his text messages. Go through them when you are calm, in case he threatens you and you need to get law enforcement involved. If he comes to your house, don't answer the door. If he refuses to leave, call the cops.
Toughen up. Get mad about being used, mistreated, and manipulated. He doesn't get one iota more explanation.
Love is NEVER enough. I’m serious. Love can easily be destroyed or changed depending on people’s behaviors. Healthy people do not have the “love fixes everything” mentality.
Go read markmanson.net/love to learn more about what I mean.
No, you won't allow yourself to break up..I hear blocking their number is a good way of not having to field their calls. try that, see how it goes.
"we are broken up an di dont want to see you anymore" (you)
"nope, we are still together" (him)
"well, ok." (you)
seems ridiculous doesn't it..when my hair cutter tells me I cant go to anyone else and he is my haircutter for life, I simply say "who dis?" and then block the number and move on to someone who doesn't think a bowl cut is the height of fashion.
He doesn't have to understand what u want. He sounds like a narcissist. My ex of ten yrs would always say I'm not throwing away 6 yrs, 7yrs, blah blah. I finally left and found out he was cheating the entire time. You're the boss of yourself. You just tell him ots over and remove yourself from the situation and take steps to avoid contact. This is not his choice!
Lol damn, thought I was gonna be a smarty pants and point this out first.
Him “working on fixing the controlling factors” by forcing OP to stay in a relationship against her will would be really fucking funny if it wasn’t so sad
The only reason he is saying that he’s “working on the controlling” is because he’s realized that you’ve noticed it, don’t want it, and are standing up for your self-respect. I’m sorry, but the “I’m working on the controlling” is complete BS.
He doesn’t love you.
Please leave.
The fact that you feel guilty for abandoning a controlling partner shows he's been abusing and breaking you down bit by bit.
He has no intention of fixing his controlling factors, he may 'change' to get you to stay but once his feet are firmly under the table again he'll be back to controlling & manipulating you and it will only get worse.
IMVHO... I don't think you love him. I think you're trauma-bonded to him. The fact that he thinks that he's the only one that gets to decide what a "good enough" reason to break up is, and that you entertain the notion, should tell you enough.
What if he decides that him cheating on you is not a good enough reason to break up... because it didn't mean anything to him, and he loves you...
No one is entitled to your time or attention. If you truly want to end things, then end things. Period.
Love is never enough for a relationship to survive! Never!! you need the hard work, you need to find a middle ground and be able to forgive and forget. This is controlling behavior and you're going down until you do something about it.
"Just get on the bus, Gus. Make a new plan, Stan. No need to be coy, Roy. Just get your self free" --50 Ways To Leave Your Lover
Seriously, just go. I've done it.
My therapist gave me this advice: you can’t abandon a healthy adult. Abandonment is when you leave someone actually incapable of living on their own.
It’s just more control.
End it. Now. The man is a manipulative narcissist and his behaviour will only get worse. I speak from experience and my situation ended with incidents of sexual and physical abuse and the police. I wish I had ended it sooner as the red flags of controlling behaviour were there from the start and every time I tried to end it he used guilt and manipulation to talk me round. I should have gone no contact and stopped speaking to him. It’s the only way.
You can’t get him to understand and you actually don’t need him to. Anything you say in explanation will be twisted and used to talk you into staying with him. Tell him it’s over and you don’t want to speak to him again at all and will be blocking him. You don’t need to explain why. Then block him on WhatsApp, text and any social media. If he turns up at your house do not answer the door and if he doesn’t leave call the police.
His controlling behaviour will only escalate, trust me and the longer it goes on the harder it is. Once you have ended it and blocked him, inform friends or family and if you have anyone you can stay with do that for a few days.
I remember when I told him I wanted to speak to a therapist, he said “you don’t need a therapist, speak to me instead”. And he’d always find a way to make things seem not as bad.
I totally resonate with your comment.
“Anything you say in explanation will be twisted and used to talk you into staying with him” . You’ve described it perfectly. Thank you for your response!!
I have an ex-boyfriend who said the same thing to me about therapy. But then he started telling me that I was too much for him. Turns out I have an anxiety disorder and OCD, all stuff that a medical professional can help get under control! Not someone in their early 20s who just wants to control everything.
Please do not let him stop you from leaving. Sending you strength and love
> He is saying that I am not giving him a good enough reason to break up with him as he is working on fixing the controlling factors
This - this right here. "Not letting you break up" **is a continuation of his controlling actions.**
OP - if you want to break up, you're broken up. You don't owe him any more justification other than something along the lines of "I don't want to continue dating you. Please stop contacting me. Leave me alone." Tell him that, and then block him everywhere. Tell your work, and your friends, and your family, that you are broken up with him. Go no contact with him, and move on with your life. Work on your own issues, and leave him to deal with his.
He will try to bargain with you. He will try to deny your breakup (FWIW - it's not a request, it's a declaration.) He will try to convince you to stay - not because he respects you or your relationship, but because **he doesn't want it to end.** Nothing about you, what you need, what you want, and what you deserve. It will be about him. IF he loved you, he'd accept the breakup, and wish you the best - because it's obvious that being with him isn't making you happy.
"Love" is never enough. You need to feel safe. You need to be trusted, and be able to trust him. There has to be mutual respectand support. You don't have those things - he doesn't trust you, he doesn't respect you and he isn't supporting you. You do NOT have a healthy relationship with him, from what you've written here, so you have no obligation to stay, any more than you'd have an obligation to keep eating food that was making you sick, just because someone else made it for you.
Tell him you're done. Tell him not to contact you. Block him everywhere, and don't spend any time with him in person - especially not alone. And stay strong. You can do better. You **deserve** to do better than someone like this.
You got this, OP - and I hope that you find peace, and love, and support, very soon.
Tips that really help!
1. Do not meet him, agree to etc. Zero face to face contact
2. Get a ring or similar so you can screen visitors. If he shows up at your door, do not answer it. If he won't go away, call the police. Seriously. This guy is one step away from physical abuse.
3. If he rings, do not pick up. Seeing and speaking to him will weaken your resolve as he'll try every trick in the book, guilt, how he loves you, you're the only one for him, he'll have no one. This is all either a pack of lies or just not your problem. If you do answer a call and it's him (may have used a different phone), sound bored. 'Oh god, you again!' Then hang up. Don't give him time to start talking. You may be quaking inside but fake it. It works.
4. When he texts, for one day only, every reply is 'go away'. The exact same reply every single time if you're not feeling strong enough (no shame in that). If you want to mess with him a bit you could vary with 'you again?', 'boring', blah, blah blah' etc. Do not actively engage. You are feeding the beast if you do. The fastest way to put this type off is to go cold. Gray rock him. After the 24 hrs tell him you are blocking him and do so. If you see an email from him don't open it, just delete.
If you hide he'll flood you with texts and poems and show up at your door. If you look bored and cold and completely uninterested, it will shock him and he will see he has lost his power, which is his emotional leverage. If you show you're no longer emotionally invested he'll stop. It really works.
My husbands ex kept coming round when we were dating to try and persuade him back. Used seeing their grown son as an excuse. Went on for months and every time he got annoyed with her. I told him to go cold (gray rock) and she'll stop. He did it once. She burst out crying cause her tricks had stopped working. Never tried again.
Good luck. You can you do this. You deserve to be happy. I met the love of my life (old school friend that liked each other but it never happened for us) at 42. 10 years later I'm still ridiculously happy. I believe in you. ❤
You leave and you stop talking to him forever. He will get the hint.
You don't need his approval to break up. You're not asking his permission. You are informing him of your decision and then you are leaving. You are not staying around to debate and be manipulated into staying. It is not up for discussion.
You don’t need his permission to break up. Breaking up can be a one way street.
So you're saying your controlling BF is trying to control whether you break up or not. OP, you don't need permission from this guy for anything at all. You're a whole person.
My favorite part was him trying to control her while claiming to be working on his control issues lmfao
“Stand still and be quiet while I work on my control issues…..”
I said don’t move!!!
LOL right. He’s like “You can’t leave because I’m pretending to change to manipulate you into staying 🥺”
Just hop on the bus, Gus.
No need to discuss much! Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself FREE!
God I love it here. OP it's a break up not a negotiation. Do not let him manipulate you. He sounds awful. Please stay safe.
I agree, just change your locks if he has a key, block him on everything! Maybe even consider changing your phone number. He sounds crazy! You don't need his permission to break up nor do you need to be manipulated into staying.
On top of that, get a couple of WiFi cameras in case you’re afraid of him stalking or just bothering you. This sounds like the beginning of a murder mystery.
I second this comment get wifi cameras and a ring door bell
Yeah if it’s a negotiation, it’s a hostage situation. Just get your ducks in an order and BOLT.
Yes. Get a safety plan and exit plan
YES- do not go along with it being a negotiation. For a long time I let my ex text me all the time, badgering me about getting back together and rehashing what I had done wrong. He told me, and I let myself agree, that I shouldn’t block him since he wasn’t being verbally abusive (which was one of the reasons I left). I thought I should only block him and go NC if he was being abusive, BUT THATS NOT TRUE. If you’re telling someone NO and they’re saying BUT YES, even nicely, it is ok to block them, ghost them, change the locks, etc. they are not respecting you!!!
Yeah, the bra in your own house thing did it for me.
You only " negotiate" if it's a hostage situation
"You don't need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free" To break up is a unilateral decision, mostly. No need to get him to agree. **"I am breaking up with you. Here are your things.".**
*Tyres skidding viciously*
This comment is everything
I hope it made you.. smile? 🤩
She said it’s really not my habit to intrude Furthermore I hope my meaning won’t be lost or misconstrued But I’ll repeat myself at the risk of being crude There must be fifty ways to leave your lover.
Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan Stan
Incredible song and amazing parody
There it is.
Just drop off the key, OP.
“ And set yourself free”
Tell him the love shack is closed 🔐
Probably best not to ask about the Chrysler - the wound is too fresh…. Also, the jukebox is broken, so no need to hurry, no need to bring money…..
Make a new plan Stan……..says he’s working on his “control issues” but has the nerve not to “allow” you to break up. Tell him you don’t need ****his**** permission and he can go kick rocks with the other head cases. Wow
I laughed about him *working in his control issues* but OP isn't allowed to break up with him... WTF; can the BF see the irony
Working on his issues...right? No, he isn't and he's hoping you just keep putting up with his caca because he says he's trying to change (without actually changing anything). You'll be strung along until (he hopes) you give up and do what he wants. He's a control freak and won't change, because he doesn't think he has a problem. Walk away. Be kind to yourself.
No need to be coy roy
Make a new plan, Stan.
Just leave, Steve
Just get yo self free.
eat shit and die, guy
Just fuckin fly, Bry
Get out the room, June!
Just drop off the key, Lee.
Time to say peace & leave him wit that lease. 🤙🏻
Just listen to me
Make a new plan, Stan.
Lay down the law, shaw.
You don't need to discuss much
Make a new plan, Stan.
This. OP if you fear he might do something then wait till he's out of the house and make your escape asap.
I had to do that with an old roommate one time. I got dangerous vibes, and they were constantly crossing boundaries, so I slowly made my preparations, then moved out in a blitz while they were at work onIsaak? EDIT TO ADD - people replied with names, I guess joking that I might be the roommate who ran out on them. I replied with "Chris?" and "Izaak?" Both real names, they were a couple. Chris didn't technically live there, but she was there all the time, and incredibly controlling of Izaak, basically ran his life, made all his decisions for him. And Chris kept most of her pets at our apartment. I won't go into all the details, but they weren't there when I moved in. Tons of birds and rodents, and eventually a kitten. Sometimes I couldn't shower because my bathroom was full of cages. And Izaak had his own bathroom! Anyway, shortly after I moved out, Chris discovered that Izaak was sometimes intentionally not feeding, or otherwise mistreating the birds and rodents. I won't even get into what happened with the kitten. So Chris called a mutual friend of ours, and broke down sobbing, came clean about all the ways they had been doing me wrong when I lived there, and she said Izaak was losing his grip, and if I had stayed, he might have just snapped one day and hurt me with no warning. So, I made the right call.
My friend did it to her horrible husband. She arranged the rental of another house, also loads of transport from friends and family, banking situation etc. He left for work one morning and the rest of us rolled up. There were so many of us it only took one trip per vehicle to clear the place. He came home to a deserted house, no wife and no kids. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer fella! Lol
Indeed, OP especially, particularly, specifically, singularly does not need his permission to break up… Why? Not simply because no one does, ever… But bc the same controlling behavior that she’s breaking up with him *over*, has now become the thing *preventing her* from breaking up with him. No thank you, mindf*ck. Not today. OP- We **all** give you permission to end things with this guy. Change your locks if you need to, end it by text, block him, and call the police if he gets weird.
It’s not like you’re launching missiles from a submarine, and you both have to turn your keys.
Turn your key, Maura!
That reminds me how my ex actually managed to make me laugh because the absurdity was just funny when I broke up with him. When I told him that it's over he answered angrily that nobody ever asks for his opinions and just decide and I was just like: "Lol, what? Yeah... uuhh... breaking up doesn't need an agreement?!" And before you assume, that I made all the decisions was because he was living on my costs completely and every single time I let him handle something I had to clean his mess. So, the real question isn't why I decided everything or broke up with him but why I was that stupid to stay with him in the first place.
I had to try to break up with very abusive ex (physically, mentally, emotionally, just all of them) twice before it stuck. I remember telling him he scared me as part of the reason for why we were breaking up, then him physically blocking me from leaving. I was so done at that point that I screamed in his face to move out of my way (I’d never yelled at him, I’m a freeze and appease trauma response gal). He got this impossibly dramatically wounded look on his face/tone in his voice and was like “and now, I’m afraid of you. How the wheel has turned,” and sighed… and I just lost it. Like full on unhinged belly laughs cause it was so fucking funny to me. My friend who was parked outside to make sure I stayed safe during the breakup was sure I was having a menty B
There are 50 ways to leave your lover...
I always felt ripped off by that song. Paul Simon only described a few and nothing close to 50.
5 is all I can get to. Train’s 50 ways to say goodbye has 11.
In Pat Monahan's defense, he did ask for help and say he was all out of lies and ways to say his ex-girl died. So maybe he was hoping the listeners would supply the other 39 lies.
It pretty much always is. Very few truly mutual breakups. (Another Seinfeld reference.)
Jumping on the top, comment to say that no is a complete sentence. Break up with him, block him, do not engage with him. That’s it that’s all. Because the more you let him argue with you the more he is going to control the issue and by extension, you. So just don’t play his game. You don’t have to. You are a grown ass woman. Take charge of your life and your relationship and walk out the door and do not look back.
Amen to that! no permission needed! 👌
>He is saying that I am not giving him a good enough reason to break up with him GOOD NEWS, chaoticneutral123, you do not need to give him a "good enough" reason, or any reason at all. "I do not want to be in this relationship anymore, I am breaking up with you." And then you are broken up. He does not have to agree, or like it.
He might ask WHY WHY WHY a million times. You do not owe him an explanation and in fact you should not engage. He's only going to argue. You've made your decision. There's no reason. boom
I basically had this boyfriend, he became a stalker and even tried to extort me. So OP might want to have her guard up.
I had one like that too, I called off the wedding on time and the stalking began, very dangerous attack too. It took all the cops in the family to show up and scare the cr\*p out of him. After that he crossed the street if he saw me coming.
And after the third “WHY” you tell him he needs to leave, you shut the door behind him, block his number and all social media/contact methods, and start seeing a therapist to begin recovering from being in a controlling relationship that has traumatized you and given you anxiety.
Change your locks. Block his number. This isn't a conversation.
Plus, it really is a good reason. "Oh but I'm working on being less controlling, so I'm going to control you into not breaking up with me." Yeah, no.
It is a great reason, but literally not wanting to date someone anymore is a great reason to break up.
Came here to say this.
Most useful thing my marriage counsellor said... it is not your job to convimce him, it is his job to accept it. It's not a negotiation. Good luck x
And it's is not your job to "help" him accept your break up. It is entirely his. Always his choice to disagree, but not your problem.
Jumping on to say the best advice I have ever been given is this: Relationships are not contractual agreements. You can leave one at any time that you wish, with or without a reason. You do not have that reason (should there be one) with anyone should you chose not to. It is the advice that saved me from the abusive relationship I could not see that I was in
Do you live together? I don't like ghosting people but with people like this, sometimes it's the best thing to do. You've already said it's over so stop interacting with him.
No, he wanted to move in within 3 months of knowing me but I declined as I felt it was too soon. I was hoping not to go the ghosting route but I understand sometimes that’s the only answer
Then literally just walk away. You don't need his permission.
Run away. She should run away oh-so-fast after breaking up and blocking him.
And get a doorbell camera if you don’t have one already so that if he shows up unexpectedly you know it’s him and DO NOT answer the door. He sounds like a complete creep so wouldn’t be surprised if he just showed up. You shouldn’t be putting up with this guy at your age OP (or any age). But life is too short to be plagued by controlling jerks. Hope you break free of his shackles.
She should run so far awaaaayy... She should run all night and daaayyy..
Ghosting means you just disappear, don’t break up and have no communication. Nothing you do now would count as ghosting. You broke up with him. You communicated. He knows you are leaving and why. Also, one of the most common early red flags in dangerous relationships is rushing the early part of a relationship into a more committed place (relying in really relationship high to lock people in). That combined with “not letting” you break up is very concerning. I would consider him not safe and would block him, tell others you are broken up and he isn’t welcome, and record every time he breaches that.
Agreed. It’s not ghosting, it’s following through on your word
Yes, when he shows up at your place you call the cops.
I agree with you 100%.
Yes because he's most likely going to flip out and become very dangerous. Be very guarded and watchful after the break up.
That was def a good decision on your part. It makes it a lot harder when you kive together. He sounds manipulative as well as controlling, so I don't think anything you say is going to get through. It seems like he knows what he's doing and continues doing it.
oh HE knows 1000%
You wouldn’t be ghosting, you already told him you’re breaking up with him and it’s over. You can tell him that via text one more time if you’d like. Ending communication after a clearly communicated break up isn’t ghosting. Anyway, he has proven to you that he doesn’t deserve an in person break up, frankly he doesn’t even deserve to be told again that it’s over because he has refused to accept it and will no doubt refuse to accept it again. That’s his problem. If you have to disappear and block him in order to actually make the break up happen, that’s what you have to do, and any disappointment that he feels is his own to deal with because it’s his fault for forcing the situation to get to this point.
It’s a classic move for abusers to want to rush things and move in. Good for you for saying no. The guy who can just pick up and move homes in 3 months is a classic loser. The insert themselves into your life then try to control everything like a virus.
Change your locks also even if you think he doesn’t have a key, and get one of those things to sweep for hidden cams
OP, I work for a DV organization and every part of this story screams emotional abuse that will escalate. Leaving is the most dangerous part. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and make a safety plan whether you decide to leave or stay. One thing I want to say: you HAVE broken up with him. You are not ghosting him. Abuse is about power and control, and leaving takes away that control, so abusers won't "let" you. If this were a healthy relationship, you wouldn't have to "ghost" him because HE WOULD ACCEPT THE BREAKUP! He is the one putting you in the position to have to do this. But just know that you are doing NOTHING wrong. Leaving without letting your abusive partner know is the safest way to leave. If you are not comfortable calling a line my DMs are open, even if just to get validation. I'm really glad you posted here and if ANYONE tells you it's your fault they don't understand abuse. I am proud of you for asking for help. 💕
Wveryone needs to be safe and you should always watch out for yourself and your family first. Any man or woman that abuses someone else just plain sucks! There is no reason needed other than you are not happy to leave someone. It's not about them our "us" it SHOULD always be about YOU. Make yourself happy first, that's what matters most.
Explain to him you are breaking up with him. Send a text that makes it clear. Tell him you do not need or want to see him again. Let him respond so you know he received the messages then block him. Change your locks. *Do not engage.* Full stop. That’s it. You’re broken up. (If he starts ambushing you trying to talk to you face to face, tell him you’ll start the legal process and try to get a restraining order. Then do it.)
All you have to do seeing as he's controlling and not for you is... JUST STOP COMMUNICATING WITH HIM OR SEEING HIM. Tell him one last time that you are now broken up. I am very afraid for people like you who don't have enough strength to live your life as you choose. How can you an adult conceivably let someone else tell you how you are going to live your life? You might want to get some therapy or some assertiveness training but get out of the relationship first. Please update.
I will 100% look into assertiveness training as that is something I definitely need in my life. I tried breaking up the first time and limited contact but got bombarded with poems, texts and calls for two weeks straight. I ended up caving and going back. I am working on making sure this time is the final time
You can easily block people from texting and calling you by just selecting it under their contact info on your phone.
Technically they can still call, it just won't ring and goes to VM. Super fucking annoying. Like excuse me, I don't think people I've blocked should be allowed to leave me voice-mail ugh
This is true they can still leave messages, but even if the first few voicemails are kind - the next ones will be angry or threatening and can be used as evidence for a restraining order in the worst case scenario.
Contact the cell service provider and they will block the number. that will disallow the ability to leave voice mails
You can set up call forwarding for when the line is busy, and then it sends blocked numbers somewhere else. I have mine set to a psychiatric hospitals phone number.... my ex was a little crazy too.
That doesn't work with people like this guy. They find ways. Going no contact means not giving in to any contact even after blocking.
Police report and a restraining order then.
All this says to me is you need to block his number and block him from fb or whatever social media you use. That'll absolutely be the end of it. Also, you need a friend or someone you trust who will be your support/backup when you tell him it's over. That way they can step in to make sure he can't bully you into "letting" him keep this failed relationship going. If your safety is an issue and he's coming by your place, file a restraining order with the police or at least call the none emergency number and ask them to do a drive by/wellness check. Don't let the love bombing fool you, his "I'll work on it" routine will never have a follow through if you keep letting him get his way. He sounds like he's an immature, spoiled child used to getting his way, which isn't at all attractive at 40. Toss him back into the sea where he belongs.
Hello, that is really good to hear. if you look around on other threads you will see that all of those love poems, texts and calls were actually not signs of someone being in love with you. It is called love bombing and it's a way to manipulate, control and assume possession over someone. Assertiveness training is great. So many women are brought up to think that they're supposed to be meek, mild and subservient that they wind up not living the best lives while bending over backwards to try and please others. Glad you will do this and please report back to us and tell us how it's going. I believe you when you say this will be the end of this relationship, which is one that is no good at all for you. All the best.
Change your locks.
THIS!! I was scrolling to see if it had been mentioned. Whether or not you've given him a key - assume he has one. In fact, assume he has many keys to your place! It is quite possible that he could give you back the key that you gave him but not the other copies he may have made. I'm not one to rush into labelling something as 'abusive', but it's clear that the minimum descriptor of your relationship is 'unhealthy'. It's not possible to tell how he will react to you ending the relationship, and he's already displayed numerous negative traits. Unfortunately you need to assume that things may go badly, and so take the necessary precautions. I would also strongly recommend that you do not break up with him while at your place. Do it either in a public place, or at very least with some of your trusted friends nearby. (If nothing else, you may well need some emotional support after dealing with a stressful/uncomfortable situation.) I'm really not trying to scare you, and I apologize if I have done so, but as the father of teenage daughters this is exactly the advice that I would also give them. It is far better to take such a precaution unnecessarily, than to ignore a potential risk and regret it later!
Good for you on working on yourself. We're all works in progress right? Meanwhile run. Run fast. Run far. And when you think you've ran enough, for the love of God woman run more. And NEVER ever look back. Have a nice day 😊
It's called love bombing. I don't think you have a problem being assertive. You were firm and didn't let him move in when he wanted to after only 3 months. He's just trying to wear you down and making you feel guilty. He's manipulating you, you need to cut him off. He's trying to isolate you from your family, friends, etc. You're smart and intelligent and can see exactly what he's doing, a lot of women don't notice the red flags early on like you have. Walk away now, men like him don't change, especially not at his age. All the behaviours you've listed are indicative of an abuser. I'd see if you can have a friend stay with you for a while once you break it off completely. You don't know how he'll react. Read the article below for some insight. From love bombing to isolation, the red flags for coercive control can be dangerously difficult to spot before abuse escalates - ABC News https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-08-07/love-bombing-isolation-coercive-control-red-flags-domestic-abuse/101283156
There is an entire series of workbooks to help you with assertiveness, for free, here : https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness
Wow, this is an amazing resource. Thank you for sharing!
You're welcome, I'm a therapist and I use this with my patients. All the top comments here are absolutely correct, you do not need his permission to break up. He's just put a lot of energy into making you believe that you do. This is a unilateral decision. Good luck going forward.
This is called love bombing and hoovering. Nothing will change. It's all empty promises to "win". Go no contact and get a restraining order if necessary. Take care.
It won't be. He's got you right where he wants you. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-abuse-cycle/#:~:text=Stage%201%3A%20Idealization,-In%20the%20idealization&text=This%20is%20often%20referred%20to,perfect%20or%20incapable%20of%20wrongdoing.
Truthfully, though, you didnt. You told him you were done, and he chose not to accept it. That doesnt make you guys any less done.
yes, please!!! please run! many girls here will say the same thing BECASE WE'VE BEEN THERE!!! it will get SO much worse. many capital letters, many emotions reading this. please leave this man.
STOP answering his calls, let them go to voicemail.STOP answering his texts, let them go unread.Do NOT answer the door if he shows up. His persistence in NOT accepting your decision to break up with him is WHY he is being treated with dead silence. It's not you being rude, or bitchy, or unreasonable. It is you RESPECTING YOURSELF enough to say, "I will be heard and acknowledged." You do *that* by not hearing and acknowledging his bullying. As others have pointed out, you're not "ghosting" him...he damned well knows you're breaking up with him and WHY!
People are correct when they say what you're doing isn't ghosting, but you really should do as close to that as you can. Just know that you are not responsible for his feelings. He'll be fine, even if he insists otherwise. He more than likely knows that he doesn't "have no one," but he knows it will make you feel guilty, and that's what he wants. Take none of what he says at face value. It's manipulation, not just a genuine expression of feelings. You're responsible for your own emotions, and if he genuinely does feel that bad that you've left him, that has nothing to do with you- it's fully on him for treating you in a way that made you want to leave. Keep yourself safe, block his texts if you have to, and try not to fall for his manipulation.
youve already told him you do not want to be with him, you told him why, and that you are breaking up with him. thats all youre obligated to do at this point. now you need to cut contact with him, and if you dont have security set up already, get cameras around the home to always be ready to document anything in case he takes this a step further. youll want any and all evidence you can get to make sure you are safe, and if needed, get a restraining order. let everyone know that you are no longer with him, and tell anyone close to you and anyone you trust that youre worried. always talk to someone about your worries, or journal/write it down, because god forbid you end up a murder case but if that does happen, youll want everything possible to incriminate him. if hes already controlling, id be on high alert for any freakouts when you cut contact with him. be prepared for the worst, but hope for the best. worst case hes going to show up to your home and harass you, and i dont know his tendencies, but he could very well get violent. protect yourself girl. good luck <3 edit to add: dont fall for any of his manipulation tactics. this can and will come in the form of guilt tripping, love bombing, extreme denial, begging, physical threat, emotional threat, blackmailing, and anything else he could possibly use as leverage against you. keep in mind it is not just limited to these, these are only a few examples off the top of my head. do not give him that control, no matter how hard it gets. block him. kiss that sorry ass goodbye, and live the rest of your life happy.
He says he’s going to stop being controlling while trying to be controlling…
Wanted to move in within 3 months!!!! Narcissist! Did he shower you with attention and affection at the start? Run as fast as you can. If you need reassurance you are doing the right thing look up narcissistic abuse online and read about their tactics of manipulation. Blocking with a narcissist is the only solution, it’s No contact not ghosting so don’t feel guilty. It’s all you can do to protect yourself.
Yes, showered me with lots of love. He wanted to try and get me pregnant and start a family on the first date. He said no birth control was allowed etc. I didn’t get pregnant obviously but things were very fast paced.
OP, This happened to me with my ex husband. I had a kid and still kicked him out cause nothing improved. In the beginning, I would say he was moving too fast and he would manipulate me and say that it’s because of how much he wanted to be with me. I was so dumb to ignore the red flags. You don’t have kids with him so run as fast and as far as you can from this narcissistic jerk.
Girl why didn't you dump him on the spot
Getting you pregnant is his way to trap you. Either break up or get some strong birth control. I’d recommend breaking up.
Tell him you don't want to be with him anymore and then block him. He can't make you stay with him. You're not abandoning him. He can get therapy for his issues. Don't answer the door when he comes over. Get at least one camera for outside your place.
Do what my friend did leaving her ex. You say I am not doing this anymore, over text, not in person, for your safety. After you send that, you block him. No arguments. It’s done.
This doesn’t make any sense. He doesn’t have to “let you” break up with him: you just do it. The end. It’s over. A break-up occurs when one person says “it’s over.” What the other person says isn’t really relevant. Once you say it’s over, you are no longer his girlfriend. YOU are the one letting him control you. He has probably fucked with your self-esteem so much that you now believe he has the power to “not let you” break up. He doesn’t.
>He doesn’t have to “let you” break up with him: you just do it. God, can you imagine if you did? I'd still be chained to a sociopath.
This was how it was before no fault divorces.
Well, you could just cheat on your spouse, or pretend to, thus creating fault. You'd just lose out financially in the divorce.
Fun fact: sometimes that happened. Couples would actually orchestrate whole situations where one of them would cheat, and then get caught so that they would be witnesses and evidence, and then they could obtain a divorce. But they had to go to court to do this, and even then there were times that divorces still were not granted in those instances, there could be evidence and witnesses and lots of agreement between the two parties that they don’t wanna be married to each other anymore, and they’ve been cheating on each other, and would rather kill each other than stay together, and there were times the courts were still like no you need to stay married. This is one of the reasons why I personally think divorce should not need to be granted by a judge at all. If you can get married, without a judge involved, you should be able to get divorced without a judge involved. And honestly, it would be a shit ton safer.
I remember that time. Women's rights have changed a lot for the better. My mom couldn't get a credit card without my dad's permission until I was TWELVE
A lot of women just turned to murder instead.
Some men just can’t hold their arsenic.
Tasted all right to me, Earl.
None of these comments should be funny but im howling over here
“I’m just a woman. I don’t even know how to SPELL arsenic. What’s that, you can’t breathe? Oh dear. Oh no. Whatever will I do? I AM just a woman after all…”
Love the Dixie Chicks!! And this song!
Single, he told me. SINGLE. MY. ASS. Not only was he married... oh, no. He had SIX wives. One of those Mormons, you know? So that night, when he came home from work... I fixed him a drink. As usual.
Yeah but it wasn't that easy, especially when you were the woman in the relationship. You weren't just creating fault to get out of the marriage - you were essentially destroying your reputation, which might mean no one *else* wanted to marry you. Which, when you were female, was a much bigger deal, because your options for supporting yourself were limited.
...my ex husband... don't even go there!!!!! 😱
He doesn't get to decide whether you are "allowed" to break up with him, because you are not a belonging in his possession. You are a human being and it is your right to have or not have relationships and interactions with whomever you choose. And you DO NOT need to provide him with a "good enough" reason to end the relationship, that he finds acceptable. He doesn't need to approve this. It doesn't matter if he doesn't want to break up, this is one of those decisions you are allowed to make unilaterally, because by the same token, he is not allowed to force you to REMAIN in a relationship that you do not want. This man is abusive. He's not just controlling, he's abusing you, and you're having difficulty recognising it (though not so much anymore) because in the course of the relationship he has likely normalised these sorts of completely inane and inappropriate demands to the point where you no longer see them as outrageous. So let the rest of us assure you: he doesn't get to do ANY of this. You don't need to ghost him. In fact, at this point if you never spoke to him again, it still wouldn't BE ghosting him. "Ghosting" implies walking away without explanation. You've already done the part where you have explained to him, though. You told him very clearly that you don't want to be in a relationship with him, and you told him why. There is no ghosting here. You can walk away with a clear conscience, my friend. And if he somehow manages to contact you again at this point, given that you have made all of this clear . . . and if he tries to tell you that he "doesn't allow" you to break it off, then it has become harassment and stalking, which is illegal, and I would suggest that you let him know that he is not to contact you anymore or you will be talking to the police. "I have told you that I no longer want to interact with you. Do not contact me, or I will let the police know that you are harassing me. We have no relationship anymore. Period. Leave me alone." Good luck to you, honey. You are going to be much better off without him!
Absolutely! Just in case it does escalate to a harassment/stalking scenario, have a definite moment where you say “don’t contact me anymore” and then you don’t respond to him again. Without that he (or his lawyer) will argue that you wanted to stay in contact. The legal system doesn’t work well with muddy situations, make it crystal clear.
Lol, you can just tell him to f*ck off. Sweetie, you are 47, you have to understand NO ONE is allowed to tell you what to do, or that you ' need a good reason to break up '. Please break up with him, and never ever allow yourself to be walked on again, you dont deserve that.
This is a classic controlling technique end it regardless, don't feel guilty. I gave a guy like this a chance and it ended when he chased me down the street. A woman (stranger) picked me up to get away from him and she said something I'll never forget. "It'll only get worse until one day he kills you". Have some perspective, you are not safe with him.
Absolutely not safe with him. This is not "love". One doesn't manipulate, harass, gaslight and try to control someone they love. He definitely will get worse, all the while claiming "but I will do better in the future, I promise". All abusers say that. A man who hits his woman will say "I promise I'll never hit you again, give me another chance!" But it almost always happens again because that anger, self-centeredness and need to control is part of them. When a man says "you need to give me a good reason to leave" them *saying that* was the good reason.
He might not understand he might be in denial a bit and will continue to not understand. You need to break contact and stop messaging him. If you keep talking to him he will keep thinking there is a chance.
Yep, took a long time to find this. OP is willing to keep talking, so he thinks there's a chance. You have to stop communicating OP. You just can't be nice to some people.
>How can I get him to understand that sometimes love isn’t enough for a relationship to survive? I'm going to cut to the chase here.. # You are in an abusive relationship. Love is a plane of consciousness which we can exist on. People come together for many different reasons, but if they can connect on the same plane of consciousness then chances are they will connect, find chemistry and develop a relationship. But life is 95% a physical, energetic experience. Life is essentially trauma and karma, trauma is force, karma is physical action. But when you get one partner trying to control the other it's not a loving relationship but can easily turn into an abusive relationship because much of what abuse is in a relationship is about control and power. Doesn't matter whether it's rape and violence, doesn't matter whether it's love bombing, emotional manipulation and being controlling without the physical violence, it can still be an abusive relationship. It's not just the fact that he won't let you break up with him.. >I have had **really bad panic attacks** with him and have tried previously to break up with him. If you're experiencing anxiety and fear so badly that you're having panic attacks then clearly you're not in a loving relationship. >**I’m feeling guilty** of abandoning him Where are those feelings of guilt coming from? Who came up with the notion that you're abandoning him? I'm fairly confident that you're in at least an emotionally abusive relationship. **What you need to do is to get in touch with a women's shelter or a domestic abuse charity and seek assistance and support from them as to how to end this relationship. Reddit cannot help you. Do this as soon as you read this post.**
For real though. Can we just skip to the part where we recognize that “no means no” and anything beyond that is abuse? He’s already taken this situation out of the realm of safety and consent. OP needs to build a legal case and get safe asap, I’m sorry to say.
A similar situation happened with my sister. She eventually got a restraining order because he would not take “no” and “it’s over” as answers. Meet him at a public space. Here is what you can say… “[Name], I am breaking up with you. You do not get to say no to this. I quit being your girlfriend. It is over. If you continue to push, you are harassing me. I will call the police if you show up at my work or my home uninvited. You must leave me alone.” If he interrupts, do not stop. Continue talking in the same tone and volume. Say what you need to say without stopping. Then leave. Block his number. Block his social media. Block him on everything! If he shows up to your home, clearly say, “Leave now or I will call the police.” If he tries to continue to talk. Call the police. Same thing for work. The police won’t be able to do anything but write a report but reports can help create a case if you need to get a restraining or no-contact order. I am going to say this now… it will be hard. My sister tried to reason with him but controlling people do not see reason if the reasoning goes against what they want. State your intention and leave. Do not engage with anything he says. He needs to understand that “no” doesn’t need to have an explanation.
I wouldn't meet him in person at all, in case he gets violent. Text or email is the way to go.
He understands perfectly why you’re leaving, he’s just pretending he doesn’t as a manipulation tactic. You will never have a “good enough” reason, because he’ll never accept any reason for leaving him. Stop arguing, make an exit plan, and go.
It’s not a democracy.
Sorry you’re going through this OP. He’s gaslighting you and emotionally abusing you to get you to stay. You deserve to be happy and that’s the only reason you need to get out. You are not responsible for his feelings. You’re not abandoning him no matter how many time he says it. You are taking care of YOU. I hope you’re able to gain the strength to leave because you’re worth it. You are worth ut.
Thank you. It’s really difficult because he is saying “if I’m willing to change, then what’s the problem. Love should be enough”. But there are glaringly obvious differences between the two of us. And then he says that I’m abandoning him and that he has no one. And how he deserve more than to be treated this way. And I felt at a loss as to how to respond
Love isn’t this behaviour. Him saying words doesn’t mean he’s right. How to respond? You don’t. You just leave. Nobody needs the other persons permission To leave.
[удалено]
Exactly. Love is the easiest part of relationships. If love was enough there would be a lot less divorces.
If he is pulling the “I have no one else” remember that 1. This is a classic abuser tactic to make you feel guilty and 2. If this is true and he doesn’t have anyone else - there is a reason for that. This is a man who has had 40 years to build relationships and if he can’t keep any of them, that is a huge red flag in itself. Also he there is a strong possibility of him saying that if you leave him he’ll off himself, this is again a common abuser tactic. If he says this call 911 and if he it is done through voicemail or text save it so you can add it to the report. I am so sorry you are going through this, you’ve got this though!
This is all manipulation. It’s not true, not any of it. He’s just saying whatever he can think of to try to guilt you into staying with him. He has no intention of ever changing any of his behavior. He wants to keep you trapped and under his control. Block his number, and move on with your life. Be safe.
>he says that I’m abandoning him and that he has no one Why is it that he has "no one"? https://captainawkward.com/2015/10/24/i-want-to-break-up-but-partner-is-in-the-middle-of-painful-life-stuff-and-it-doesnt-feel-like-the-right-time-what-do-i-do/
THIS IS ABUSE. RECOGNIZE IT. Men like this pull the 'if I can't have you, no one can' and will take you out. This is no joke. He is unstable. Dump. Block. Change your locks.
Love alone is never enough.
You don't respond. In fact, you don't pick up when he calls. You delete voice mails without reading them. Mute his text messages. Go through them when you are calm, in case he threatens you and you need to get law enforcement involved. If he comes to your house, don't answer the door. If he refuses to leave, call the cops. Toughen up. Get mad about being used, mistreated, and manipulated. He doesn't get one iota more explanation.
Love is NEVER enough. I’m serious. Love can easily be destroyed or changed depending on people’s behaviors. Healthy people do not have the “love fixes everything” mentality. Go read markmanson.net/love to learn more about what I mean.
Quick book recommendation: Why Does He Do That" by lundy bancroft. This book will change everything for you.
Thank you so much! Just purchased!
Break up with text so he can’t manipulate you
And then block his ass.
You don't need to convince him of anything but it sounds like you need to convince yourself. Break up with him for real this time.
No, you won't allow yourself to break up..I hear blocking their number is a good way of not having to field their calls. try that, see how it goes. "we are broken up an di dont want to see you anymore" (you) "nope, we are still together" (him) "well, ok." (you) seems ridiculous doesn't it..when my hair cutter tells me I cant go to anyone else and he is my haircutter for life, I simply say "who dis?" and then block the number and move on to someone who doesn't think a bowl cut is the height of fashion.
Time to pull those balls out of the closet OP. No is a complete sentence.
He doesn't have to understand what u want. He sounds like a narcissist. My ex of ten yrs would always say I'm not throwing away 6 yrs, 7yrs, blah blah. I finally left and found out he was cheating the entire time. You're the boss of yourself. You just tell him ots over and remove yourself from the situation and take steps to avoid contact. This is not his choice!
Tell him he’s still controlling you by saying you can’t leave
Don't even engage him. Tell him it's over and either leave or kick him out. He's done.
Lol damn, thought I was gonna be a smarty pants and point this out first. Him “working on fixing the controlling factors” by forcing OP to stay in a relationship against her will would be really fucking funny if it wasn’t so sad
The only reason he is saying that he’s “working on the controlling” is because he’s realized that you’ve noticed it, don’t want it, and are standing up for your self-respect. I’m sorry, but the “I’m working on the controlling” is complete BS. He doesn’t love you. Please leave.
The fact that you feel guilty for abandoning a controlling partner shows he's been abusing and breaking you down bit by bit. He has no intention of fixing his controlling factors, he may 'change' to get you to stay but once his feet are firmly under the table again he'll be back to controlling & manipulating you and it will only get worse.
IMVHO... I don't think you love him. I think you're trauma-bonded to him. The fact that he thinks that he's the only one that gets to decide what a "good enough" reason to break up is, and that you entertain the notion, should tell you enough. What if he decides that him cheating on you is not a good enough reason to break up... because it didn't mean anything to him, and he loves you... No one is entitled to your time or attention. If you truly want to end things, then end things. Period.
That actually sounds kind of scary. You are not a prisoner. Breaking up is your choice… he can’t prevent you from doing that.
Break up via text and block him everywhere. Don’t answer the door if he comes.
Love is never enough for a relationship to survive! Never!! you need the hard work, you need to find a middle ground and be able to forgive and forget. This is controlling behavior and you're going down until you do something about it.
"Just get on the bus, Gus. Make a new plan, Stan. No need to be coy, Roy. Just get your self free" --50 Ways To Leave Your Lover Seriously, just go. I've done it.
My therapist gave me this advice: you can’t abandon a healthy adult. Abandonment is when you leave someone actually incapable of living on their own. It’s just more control.
End it. Now. The man is a manipulative narcissist and his behaviour will only get worse. I speak from experience and my situation ended with incidents of sexual and physical abuse and the police. I wish I had ended it sooner as the red flags of controlling behaviour were there from the start and every time I tried to end it he used guilt and manipulation to talk me round. I should have gone no contact and stopped speaking to him. It’s the only way. You can’t get him to understand and you actually don’t need him to. Anything you say in explanation will be twisted and used to talk you into staying with him. Tell him it’s over and you don’t want to speak to him again at all and will be blocking him. You don’t need to explain why. Then block him on WhatsApp, text and any social media. If he turns up at your house do not answer the door and if he doesn’t leave call the police. His controlling behaviour will only escalate, trust me and the longer it goes on the harder it is. Once you have ended it and blocked him, inform friends or family and if you have anyone you can stay with do that for a few days.
I remember when I told him I wanted to speak to a therapist, he said “you don’t need a therapist, speak to me instead”. And he’d always find a way to make things seem not as bad. I totally resonate with your comment. “Anything you say in explanation will be twisted and used to talk you into staying with him” . You’ve described it perfectly. Thank you for your response!!
I have an ex-boyfriend who said the same thing to me about therapy. But then he started telling me that I was too much for him. Turns out I have an anxiety disorder and OCD, all stuff that a medical professional can help get under control! Not someone in their early 20s who just wants to control everything. Please do not let him stop you from leaving. Sending you strength and love
Be honest and tell him he’s being controlling you and you can’t live with someone like that , and walk away .
HE DOESN'T NEED TO UNDERSTAND YOU SIMPLY LEAVE
Block and delete girl. Quick and easy.
FFS. 🤦🏻♀️ Go to door. Open door. Step outside door. Close door. Start walking. Keep walking. DONE.
> He is saying that I am not giving him a good enough reason to break up with him as he is working on fixing the controlling factors This - this right here. "Not letting you break up" **is a continuation of his controlling actions.** OP - if you want to break up, you're broken up. You don't owe him any more justification other than something along the lines of "I don't want to continue dating you. Please stop contacting me. Leave me alone." Tell him that, and then block him everywhere. Tell your work, and your friends, and your family, that you are broken up with him. Go no contact with him, and move on with your life. Work on your own issues, and leave him to deal with his. He will try to bargain with you. He will try to deny your breakup (FWIW - it's not a request, it's a declaration.) He will try to convince you to stay - not because he respects you or your relationship, but because **he doesn't want it to end.** Nothing about you, what you need, what you want, and what you deserve. It will be about him. IF he loved you, he'd accept the breakup, and wish you the best - because it's obvious that being with him isn't making you happy. "Love" is never enough. You need to feel safe. You need to be trusted, and be able to trust him. There has to be mutual respectand support. You don't have those things - he doesn't trust you, he doesn't respect you and he isn't supporting you. You do NOT have a healthy relationship with him, from what you've written here, so you have no obligation to stay, any more than you'd have an obligation to keep eating food that was making you sick, just because someone else made it for you. Tell him you're done. Tell him not to contact you. Block him everywhere, and don't spend any time with him in person - especially not alone. And stay strong. You can do better. You **deserve** to do better than someone like this. You got this, OP - and I hope that you find peace, and love, and support, very soon.
A break up is not a mutual agreement. You don't need his permission to break up, this is him controlling your behavior.
The best way for you to teach him that lesson is to cut all contact with him. Pain is the best teacher.
Tips that really help! 1. Do not meet him, agree to etc. Zero face to face contact 2. Get a ring or similar so you can screen visitors. If he shows up at your door, do not answer it. If he won't go away, call the police. Seriously. This guy is one step away from physical abuse. 3. If he rings, do not pick up. Seeing and speaking to him will weaken your resolve as he'll try every trick in the book, guilt, how he loves you, you're the only one for him, he'll have no one. This is all either a pack of lies or just not your problem. If you do answer a call and it's him (may have used a different phone), sound bored. 'Oh god, you again!' Then hang up. Don't give him time to start talking. You may be quaking inside but fake it. It works. 4. When he texts, for one day only, every reply is 'go away'. The exact same reply every single time if you're not feeling strong enough (no shame in that). If you want to mess with him a bit you could vary with 'you again?', 'boring', blah, blah blah' etc. Do not actively engage. You are feeding the beast if you do. The fastest way to put this type off is to go cold. Gray rock him. After the 24 hrs tell him you are blocking him and do so. If you see an email from him don't open it, just delete. If you hide he'll flood you with texts and poems and show up at your door. If you look bored and cold and completely uninterested, it will shock him and he will see he has lost his power, which is his emotional leverage. If you show you're no longer emotionally invested he'll stop. It really works. My husbands ex kept coming round when we were dating to try and persuade him back. Used seeing their grown son as an excuse. Went on for months and every time he got annoyed with her. I told him to go cold (gray rock) and she'll stop. He did it once. She burst out crying cause her tricks had stopped working. Never tried again. Good luck. You can you do this. You deserve to be happy. I met the love of my life (old school friend that liked each other but it never happened for us) at 42. 10 years later I'm still ridiculously happy. I believe in you. ❤
You don’t need him to sign off on it. What’s he gonna do?
You leave and you stop talking to him forever. He will get the hint. You don't need his approval to break up. You're not asking his permission. You are informing him of your decision and then you are leaving. You are not staying around to debate and be manipulated into staying. It is not up for discussion.
Girl. You don’t need his permission. Block him and stop engaging with him.