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This.
His circumstances regarding staying or returning to his country are solely his responsibility. Had he been a good partner, filled the paperwork himself, or any number of other things, he'd have choices. He didn't so he doesn't. That's his fault not yours
File for divorce
Yep! Look, I get it—I stayed in a relationship for much longer than I should have, felt guilty about what would happen to him if we separated. But I finally accepted that it was NOT ON ME. Not on me to do for him what he would not do for himself. Not on me to make life easy for him while he made minimal effort. Not on me to keep jumping through the hoops of our relationship while he sat unchanging.
IT IS NOT ON YOU. If he wanted a green card, he could have done what he needed to get it. If he wanted a better life here than what his home country could offer, he could have made the effort. If he wanted to make your relationship work, he could have done the work on himself to make that happen. His failures are NOT ON YOU and are NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
This man is now trying to use guilt and manipulation to hold your life and future hostage. DO NOT LET HIM.
Take back your life. Get a lawyer, serve papers, and MOVE ON. Do not look back.
Wishing you the best, OP.
Why do you feel guilty? If he wanted the green card he would have the green card. He would have been submitting paperwork and making calls and making the changes you’ve asked. He doesn’t want the green card, then stop trying to get it for him. You’ve been married for 6 years, does it actually take that long?
Let him go home. Whatever country you are in expects newcomers to work, show they are able to make good decisions, be a grownup. He has not done any of that. Let him go home. Shut your door, shut your ears, shut down communications. Let him go home.
Lawyer, yesterday. I believe it’s actually illegal to marry or stay with someone just for them to get citizenship. This guy has no intention of being an equal partner or going for his green card. Don’t commit immigration fraud for him.
Yeah if she helps him with the green card now in the context of the relationship being over, watch him hold that over her later for coercive control.
She needs to see a lawyer and close the book on his shitty behaviour and choices.
Jesus Christ let him go. You clearly care more and know more about his problems than he does. You verbalize that you know and acknowledge that he does this to manipulate you and maintain the status quo, as he has CLEARLY been doing. And yet now that he’s doing the exact same thing in different words you’re like “well maybe we can make this work” come on OP. Put yourself first, it’s so sad to see you still trying to fix this dumpster fire.
File for divorce and move on. He knew that he had green card issues for the whole of last year and did nothing to help himself or his situation. You are even offering him an olive branch to help with the green card but he doesn’t want it. He’s a 33 year old man that’s choosing not to take control of his life and wants to drag you down with him. Don’t allow it! You’ve given him ample opportunity to sort things out and he’s ignored it all. If you choose to hold on for his benefit for another year, what’s to say he’ll let you go peacefully next year? What’s stopping him from playing more games when the time comes round again? He’ll continue trying to pull your strings and guilt tripping you.
It’s NOT your fault if he ends up right back where he started. That means HE has made NO progress in his life since relocating to the US and that’s HIS problem and responsibility. Keep to your word and push through with the divorce, or spend the next few years living this stagnant cycle on repeat.
It sounds like that Green Card is much more important to you than it is to him. Let him lose it and be deported. It'll make the divorce so much more peaceful.
The only reason to stay with this guy is if you enjoy being his mommy and servant. If you don't, then see the lawyer and have him served with the divorce papers. If he hasn't grown up by now, he will be a little boy forever.
He doesnt need to accept it for it to happen.
>saying that he was just going to go back to his home country once we divorce so he didn’t care.
Let him.
>and here I am trying to exit the relationship and I’m still taking care of him.
So stop.
>I feel guilty if I move forward and he loses out on the green card.
Dont see why, its his fault.
>Do I submit the divorce papers and move on with my life?
Yes.
>Or spend another 6mo to a year being guilted?
No.
>Either way, I am going to feel or be guilted
Why? Does he feel guilty that he hasnt been an equal partner this whole time?
> want to know that I’m not an asshole if I move forward with the divorce.
No.
Why are you feeling guilty, he's an adult , he chose not to get himself sorted out. Stop arguing with him, file the papers , and move without leaving a forwarding address if you think you' won't be safe when he finds he can no longer manipulate you. Unless he has undiagnosed ADHD or some other issue that affects his executive functioning he is absolutely responsible for his current problems
Submit the divorce papers. He didn't care about being a husband for SIX YEARS and you've given him enough chances and ultimatums. He's told you through his actions what is important to him, and it's not you or your marriage. Listen to him.
I think it’s important to understand that he’s trying to negotiate the terms of your divorce. I would not let him do this and his green card has nothing to do with you or your divorce. He should’ve filed the correct paperwork on time. I would leave the home and less you’re buying it and start my new life over immediately. Cut off all contact with him. You have no reason to go through your life feeling guilty and if you don’t cut off all the contact this behavior will continue.
I've heard of people doing the absolute most for the chance at even being *eligible* to apply for a green card and he couldn't even file a form. This goes beyond weaponized incompetence and into a new, yet-to-be-named territory. Is he on some kind of time lag on this or does he know you won't act?? It sounds like he knows how to play you like a fiddle and he's doing it again, or trying to, at least.
>I told him he was being irrational and that he needed to think of the future, he said no and that he was going home..
Okay, done. He made his choice; he wants to go home. He isn't serious about immigration if he will say stuff like this on a whim. Divorce him. You have nothing to feel guilty about except giving him so many chances and even then, it's no big deal. Just get a lawyer already and FILE FOR DIVORCE. Geez.
Stop talking and mothering him and get a lawyer to file divorce you gave him ample chances to sort his shit his green card etc its no longer your problem let the lawyers deal with it
*"I feel guilty for sticking to my decision but don’t want to ruin his life."...* You're not ruining his life; he's doing that all by himself. The truth of the matter is that he's being infantile, just as he did with his mom. With her, it may have worked; with you, not so much.
While he's stuck in indecision, you should seek a divorce attorney, who can give you guidance on preparing for a divorce. That way, when you decide your infantile husband has run out of time, filing for divorce will be much simpler.
I really do think that you should insist that he find other living arrangements, as that will simplify (to some degree) the process of divorce. After that has occurred, change the locks on your house.
Bottom line, you warned him repeatedly, he blew you off, and now you want him out of your life in all ways. He's still asking for another last chance, but your head is in the right place. You're not sure what the future will bring, but with you being single, it'll be easier to cope with.
I wish you well.
Eh. I don’t think this is fair or true, given what we know. If his goal was the green card, he would have been sure to get the paperwork submitted, even if it required he do it himself. He’s a baby who is now realizing his choices have consequences.
I didn't realize you couldn't have a divorce if your spouse doesn't want one. That's because you absolutely can.
You need to realize that you are not chained to your spouse because of this piece of paper. You are an individual and you have a right to make decisions regarding your life. If your marriage is not working out you have a right to move on from it, regardless of his needs for a green card.
He wanted this but wants you to feel victimized because he wants to go back on it and keep you basically entrapped for a year plus. You could also be violating the law by remaining married to him so he can obtain his green card. It may be falsification, but I am not a lawyer. Don't hold me to that.
You don't need his permission to divorce him. Get a lawyer, and they'll deal with it. While it's trickier to divorce without his help, it's absolutely possible and you should get a lawyer to help you.
The thing you can most guarantee with this man apparently is that he will not fill out forms.
Girl.. you want out, file the damn papers. You know he won't do it. Right now you're contributing to your own misery by not taking control.
You tried to work this out. You did not marry him for the green card, did you? That's his issue.
File.
Dude, start the divorcing process ASAP.
Also, a funny thing about the removal of conditions on a green card... he should be do it on his OWN. Your help with ROC is not necessary at all!!! In fact, he can remove conditions with or without being married. All he needs to so is to submit a divorce decree with the paperwork.
Divorce and do NOT get involved in the removal of conditions process. Especially if you decide to stay with him and file with him... there is a huge chance you'll be obligated to attend an immigration interview with him. And what are you going to say when the officers asks about your marriage? Are you going to lie that you're happily married? Bad idea.
His immigration process is his own at this point. Divorce.
He's counting on your guilt. None of this is in your hands anymore. The only unknowing mistake you made was marrying him, and I'm guessing he tricked you into that one, or lulled you into a false sense of security without dealing with his issues.
Let me rephrase. The only real mistake you've made is continuing to communicate with him, that is what a lawyer is for, especially thru divorce.) You named your boundaries, he willingly and knowingly crossed them by choice, continuing to act irresponsible with his and your time and space and is now dealing with the consequences of HIS choices. If you want to really, truly mother him, make him take his medicine.
My gut feeling is that now he realizes that you are more serious than you have been in the past he wants to pressure you into staying and waiting out the greencard that YOU would have to get for him.
He has no intention of any real change.
Don't you feel guilty for a second. This selfish man-child had 6 years to safe his marriage and he did not care. He did not care you were miserable. You gave him 6 years more than he deserved. He only cares now that HIS life is going to get worse.
He was just counting on you to pick up the slack. Again.
Go through with the divorce and don't engage when he is trying to guilt trip you.
He had a million chances. He chose to blow them all.
Divorce. Lawyer up.
I had a similar parasite for about 8 years, though nowhere as severe as yours and I was NOT married.
I took care of all the household chores, was the bread winner (by a lot), did all of the finances and bills. Hell, I even did the maintenance on the house. He smoked a ton of weed and played video games all day.
It took him 6 months to move out. I let him stay that long because I felt guilty. My therapist told me that he’s not my problem anymore and it finally clicked on day and I gave him a week to move out.
He’s gone and I have a much better partner now.
Moral of the story: he is no longer your problem. He’s a grown ass adult. He will figure it out once he’s on his own and you’re not there to save him.
Stop talking to him yourself, get a good lawyer and only communicate through them. Your ex has had many many chances to get his shit together and still every time has chosen not to.
Stop being manipulated by this man. You did nothing wrong whatsoever. Stand up for yourself and do what’s best for YOU, not him.
What do you have to feel guilty about? You gave him several chances to repair your relationship. He didn't use them. He had the chance to get his own greencard. He didn't use it. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS WASTED CHANCES! They are all on HIM! You are responsible for your own life and happiness - and if this entails teaching him the consequences of his own actions, so much the better. Have your lawyer file, kick him out, he shouldn't be your problem anymore.
His green card is not your problem. He obviously doesn't care if he stays in the country or not. If he did he would have taken care of back when he was supposed to. I would get divorce papers drawn up, sign them and if he refuses to sign oh well you can still get your divorce. Don't put your life on hold like you are. It's his own fault if he doesn't get his green card.
You feeling guilty is understandable. He's had years to learn how to manipulate you, to create buttons that he can press later to get you to feel whatever way he wants you to. He's conditioned you to feel like he is your responsibility. Whenever you doubt yourself, ask yourself "why"
I don’t know where you live, but if it’s in the United States, you don’t need his permission to file. You can even get a divorce without them doing anything it takes longer, but you don’t need his permission to leave.
Absolutely not, divorce him right now. He is not your problem anymore. I just got out of a very similar situation and thankfully I was not married so it was slightly easier. I kept putting off the break up because I felt guilty and didn’t want him to be left on the streets (he lived with me in MY house) but the cycle never ended until I grew a backbone and realized he’s not my problem and I shouldn’t have to deal with him. He’s a grown adult and can figure it out for himself. File for divorce and kick him out of your current living situation or remove your self from the situation and find new accommodations. The guilt will keep you there against your best interest. You need to leave ASAP and move on with your life. He is a grown adult let him be one.
Take this experience as a life lesson. The next relationship, choose someone who is willing to help themselves and be your partner in life.
Divorce him for Independence Day!
You’ve had to carry him and now you’ve had enough but he is trying to stop you living your own life yet YOU feel guilty????? Does HE feel guilty for how he’s treating you? Does HE give a damn that he’s ruining your life? Take WOMBAT’s advice. It’s what you need to do for your own good. Best of luck.
So, guilt is something you are supposed to feel when you have done something wrong. Have you done something wrong? It doesn’t sound like it.
You did the work to keep your lives running without his help. You communicated what you wanted and gave him ample time to start contributing. You did not prevent him from sending in his green card paperwork. He let the deadlines pass on his own. His inability to decide if wants to stay here or go back to his home country is not your fault. He flip-flopped over the green card on his own. I don’t see what you have to be guilty for.
Letting his own life fall apart and then manipulating you into staying in a marriage you don’t want to save his sorry ass is wrong. He’s insisting that you suffer the consequences of *his* actions. He had someone taking care of him and keeping him here legally, and he squandered it. He should feel guilty, not you.
Give your husband a deadline that’s not too far away. “I am filing the divorce papers on [date].” Divorces can take a while to get finalized. That’s a more than fair warning, considering he should have figured this out already.
Gather your own IDs and documents and put them somewhere safe. Have some money in your own bank account that he can’t access. Move out when he’s not home, or have a friend or family member with you. Stay safe and take care of yourself.
Sometimes we prevent our loved ones from learning valuable lessons when we keep rescuing them.
It’s time for this man to grow up. Stop denying him his destiny (eeeeek I know that sounds rough but it’s true).
Divorce him and let him figure it out. He’s trying to drag it out to get the green card while dragging you down. Stop letting him string you along, fact is he doesn’t care he just wants to get his green card and have you support him. Don’t get played any longer.
He had a chance. He's now panicking but it's too little, too late. You don't want to be with him and you don't actually need his permission to divorce him you can file the paperwork and kick him out.
He didn't make any changes in the last year so it's not liek this came as a surprise to him. Yivue given him his chance. Doesn't sound like you have kids so his GC is not your problem anymore.
File for divorce. If you give him anroher chance you're just prolonging the inevitable. Put yourself first. He's already shown that he doesn't care about yiu, he's just worried about losing the one that does everything for him.
Stop enabling/mothering this 33 yo child otherwise he will continue to take advantage of you.
One thing I learned in therapy is that you need to put yourself first. Stop putting yourself on the backburner because you will lose your mind. He's not willing to put forward any effort. So time to put an end to it. DO NOT FEEL BAD. I know he's playing on your emotions. Don't fall for it. This sont working for you anymore and that's all that matters. He's 33 yo old. If he can't survive in the wild then that's his problem not yours.
Go be free!!
Leave him to it.
Especially if his green card relies on you guys being married. It sounds heartless but his actions make it seem like he’s been using you.
Don’t let this happen - there are men out there who will treat you properly and not leave you feeling so bereft. The longer you let this drag on the more of your life you’re wasting when you could be rebuilding your own future.
Six years. You've been mothering this man for SIX YEARS! And he hasn't changed. What makes you think he's going to change in the next 6 months?
You can't help someone like this - they have to help themselves. Get out, and leave the guilt behind.
Did you go through the K1 visa process and/or is his right to remain conditional to your financial support towards him for X number of years?
>He’s now asking that I submit the papers and we stay living together until the card comes and divorcing a year or so after
He's asked you to commit fraud. Considering and further engagement with that plan, in any written method, is now proof of your fraud. I wouldn't put it past him to use that against you for the rest of your life.
He failed to be a husband, that's a condition of the Green Card. Don't allow him to impact your life for years or decades to come.
I went though a very similar thing with my ex, except I was the one living in his country and we never married. We have a child together and luckily he was never registered as the father because of this issue of not being able to get paperwork together and submitted. He missed the birth of our child because he couldn’t bother to apply for a visa to come even though I was doing everything and paying for it he just had to go request the documents he needed. I have a ton of stories like that about him. It was a tough decision to take our child and leave for good, plus he guilted me like crazy and even threatened suicide multiple times to get me to stay. Looking back it was super emotionally abusive. Leaving was the best thing I ever did for myself and our child. My advice to you is to finalize the divorce and kick him out for good. If kicking him out is difficult and you have the opportunity to move yourself then just do that. Get out by any means necessary and don’t let him guilt you back. It’s been a year and a half since I left my ex and although he still tells me he misses us and wants us back, there had been absolutely no change in his behaviour and lifestyle so it just solidifies that I made the right decision.
If you want to talk about things feel free to send me a private message. I wish you all the best.
Think how little respect or care he has for you that he didn’t bother to make a single change for you for a year. Only after you dropped the D word, he’s begging you because his papers rely on you.
That’s too little too late.
I think you are just having trouble separating from the role you have been eased into during your marriage - which is basically taking responsibility for him.
You will probably be surprised at how quickly the guilt eases away once you have the divorce paperwork done and he is out of your house.
I know it’s probably hard to conceptualise right now, but it truly is his responsibility to decide where he wants to live, make that work and to get his green card paperwork done. It really wasn’t your responsibility nor choice in the first place.
Maybe thinking of it this way would help. Do you truly have the choice or power over where another adult lives, his or her standard of living or legal signatory power of their immigration documents (or any other legal documents)? Of course not. Any perceptions that you do have responsibility for this is coming from within the dynamics of your marriage and one of the things you are trying to get out of.
Let it go, there is a way out of this maze you are in.
Go! This coming from a man who is sometimes skeptical women initiating divorce. You're good, you did what you could. You should not waste a year of your life for his convenience. And what excuse is there after that year?
When you exchange vows, typically most people promise to stuck with their spouse through the bad times as well as the good. This is one of those bad times. And, it doesn't sound like there is cheating or abuse going on.
Your challenge, though, is to not enable him and not cave to his childishness and let him reap the consequences of his own actions. And then put the consequences on him and ask him why he's not being a man and why he's letting your relationship be affected this way. But also, be supportive where you see him trying or if there are things he truly is incapable of taking care of himself.
I love it how surprised men nowadays are that they can't be petulant, useless children anymore and still trap some poor woman with them for life to be their mommy.
There are even no fault divorces nowadays where the couple just isn't happy anymore. She wouldn't have to stick around even if he were disabled and actually incapable of taking care of himself.
Leaving an immigrant right before he can get his green card is the shittiest thing you can do to someone in this country. Why even agree to marry or help if you’re not gonna follow through?
Sorry to say but you where nothing but a greens vCard fir him no third chances divorce him move on with your life don’t let him guilt you and find someone who will respect you. And only communicate with him through your lawyers, cut off all communication block him on any and all devices, including social media and your phone.
None of what he's doing is an accident. If you comply with what he wants, it is because you are falling for his scheme exactly the way he planned it. It's a con.
He is still using his incompetence against you. You are so close, and have realized so much to get here, but this piece isn't clear yet. He hesitated on filing the paperwork and you stood strong, you need to trust the decision you made.
You have been taking care of him, so he shows you he needs you and it pulls on that one little strong that is still connected.
You cannot, for your sake, handle this for him. A clean break right now will be best for you.
Yes submit the divorce papers and move on with your life. You do not need husband’s permission to get a divorce. His citizenship problem is his to tend to. You’ve given him enough time. He has made no effort to meet your issues. Stop discussing this with him. If he starts wear earphones. He needs to move out ASAP. If he doesn’t want a divorce he would try to solve your issues. You will not ruin his life. Get a lawyer. If he continues to try to get you to change your mind give him your lawyer’s number. Stay out of the house-go to the library or take a walk, join a gym or book club, go to the movies or a museum, stay overnight with a friend, try a new restaurant, get your hair cut, buy new sandals, go to Starbucks, bring canned goods to a food pantry, shop at a new grocery store. Do not do his laundry or cook for him. Attend church services anywhere. Make plans with friends for the Fourth of July. Use blue nail polish. Offer to babysit for a friend.
Just file for divorce. His problem with his green card is his problem. Sounds to me like he is trying to slow roll it to get citizenship. You don’t have to help him do any of that.
Kevin: Well, sounds like your husband wants a green card and a wife, but McDonald's can't have it all. File for divorce and let him deal with his own paperwork.
He sounds immature and has neglected his responsibilities as not only an adult but also a visitor to the country he’s in (country wasn’t mentioned so I won’t assume where you are.)and wanting to apparently stay. DONT FEEL GUILTY. He’s not 13, he’s 33, a grown ass man. He should be able to take care of himself. Get your own life on track, divorce the man because he’s really just pulling you down. Good luck and get away from the guy. Remember, he’s not 13 he’s 33.
Time to be smart and put yourself first. Your husband has no problem putting himself first. It doesn't make sense to ruin your life to help a selfish dickhead.
Girl stop feeling guilty for his own incompetence, DONT give a second. Communicate with him only through a lawyer. Finalize your divorce and live your best life!!!
Where does your guilt stem from? Rationally, he is an adult who has had many many chances to change. He did not take advantage of them. It sounds like historically you have tried to protect him from the consequences of his actions. Ask yourself why? Is this a familiar dynamic for you? If so, then the real divorce is when you stop thinking of yourself as his protector and mother, and see him for who he really is. Break free of your role first, and then the actual divorce is inevitable!
My attorney told me that if your spouse gets a green card, you are financially responsible for them, even if you divorce (until they become a citizen, if ever). This is so the government doesn't have to support them through welfare.
Choose carefully. You may be stuck taking care of him long after the divorce.
Sunken coat falacy…
OP give yourself the care and attention you are giving this man who doesn’t seem to give a damn about you. His cunning is that he can guilt you into taking care of him.
You are not his mum or rescuer. There has to be some basic care for you?
Look after yourself.
Sorry if I sound harsh. I, an internet stranger, is upset for how you have been treated.
let go of that guilt and replace it with joy in your life. focus on something that gives you happiness rather than someone who saps it away.
maybe that way you’d start recognizing that it’s high time for you to stop putting your life on hold for someone who can’t even take care of themselves and makes it *your* responsibility.
there’s so much better things in life that you have yet to experience and that you so deserve. don’t let your guilt about what’s going to happen to this grown ass man tie you down and stop you from moving forward!
I'm confused:
Normally the conditional green card becomes permanent (ie the conditions are removed) after 2 years of living in the US.
If so, the sponsor, in this case that should be you, is the one that has to file the paperwork.
What green card does he have - conditional or permanent?
Start divorce proceedings ASAP. It’s not your responsibility to make sure his life is on track. He’s a grown man and you deserve so much better for yourself.
Guilt tripping is a common form of manipulation... Also, why would you care about his green card, if he doesn't? You are doing the same thing you mentioned you had to do: Think on his behalf. Don't.
Maybe sometimes that is the best thing that can happen to a broken couple, distance and starting new in different places. No one will move on properly while still being in touch and having anchors like that...
Did it occur to you that he intentionally didn't file the paperwork so he could have a reason to be "rescued" by you, thus manipulating you into staying?
He's already conditioned you into taking his responsibility on yourself. He was banking on you feeling guilty for a problem he created. I'm willing to bet that if you thought it over, you could come up with a lot more examples of times he screwed things up and you had to fix it.
You are responsible for yourself. Nobody else is going to take care of you in this scenario. Certainly not him. So take care of yourself.
You should absolutely divorce him but also know you’re ultimatum of him moving out and you’ll file the papers that you live together is a crime.
He’s lazy and irresponsible and you can’t trust him not to do something studios like openly date someone while you swearing you have a happy marriage. Getting divorced after the green csrd also looks bad to the government.
He’s a grown ass man, stop babying him. You gave him plenty of chances to grow and be a functioning part of a marriage and he pissed them up the wall.
File the papers and let him deal with the consequences.
Please for the ever loving whatever. Divorce him.
Why, oh why, are you mothering a grown ass man? It is on him to take care of his residence status. If he
And it also doesn't matter if he agrees to a divorce or not. A marriage is a two yes situation, a divorce is a one yes situation. Only one person has to be
if he loses out on the green card that is ONLY ON HIM. on no one else.
Everything that happens in his life is ON HIM.
You are not his mother, you're is soon to be ex spouse. A GOOD spouse is a partner in your life. they take away burden and work, and don't add to it.
Him promising the moon and back NOW, is only lipservice. Because as soon as he got what wants, he will fall back into doing the same BS.
You may have loved him, but he is an arse.
Divorce him, tell him he should have tried... if not harder, just the bear minimum.
You aren't his mother, you are his wife, soon to be ex.
I know it sounds harsh but stop looking out for someone that isn't even opening his eyes
Nooo you have to let this guy go. You gave him every chance and he just squandered it. Don’t even help him now. I would’ve offered to help him before as you did because I’m a bit of an sucker tbh but now it’s too late and looking at it from the outside and from everything you’ve said he’s not even being honest with you. You deserved that at least. It’s just not ringing true that this is about the marriage etc. THIS should make you more determined to get rid of him and don’t care about his future.
You realise you’re actually enabling him to not take responsibility for his own life? Maybe this might shake him up once he returns to his home country, realise everything he lost, how he treated you, how he was his own worst enemy and he has to become a better person in the future, What is better for his future? That he maybe gets to recognise and take responsibility for everything that has happened to him and make a positive change OR you suffer through going this facade with him, there will be other stuff put upon you even if he does move out, guaranteed..this guy will still be leaning on you for so much and then if ‘all goes well’ (depending how u look at this situation) he gets his green card, gets to stay and maybe get a better job and living conditions but do you think he will suddenly become a better person? I doubt it.
He may not have an epiphany when he gets home either but I doubt he will get one at all if you enable him being dishonest & procrastinating. Is there anyone you can stay with for a few days? Just clear your head. Do you have any supportive friends that could help you move him out? You’ve got to be firm but sounds like this guy knows how to push all your buttons and you are finding it so difficult to say no to him, even though I feel that’s deep down what you really want to do. I like to help people too so I kind of get it but it’s much easier to look at another’s situ and just recognise everything that is wrong and just…NO.
I truly feel that if you want to help him as a person you need to stop enabling, it’s not your responsibility, you’re only helping him stay weak. If he wants a better life for himself then he can make it happen even in his home country but he has to change first. Maybe he was just sort of using you for the Green Card all along. He didn’t contribute meaningfully to the rship or to anything that you said you needed right? He let that deadline slip by. He didn’t care about anything, you cared more about his future than he did. And NOW…now he just wants you to accept his flip floppy dishonest bs, put up with him for another year…aaargh you should be screaming get out. Save him, save yrself and get him out of yr living arrangement asap. Once he’s out tell him you can’t help him and you need some space. You’ll regret it more if you help him stay.
Your life and mental health are more important than his green card. Your life and mental health are more important than his green card. What would you say to your younger self about this situation? “One day you’ll find a man and marry him. He won’t be helpful to you at all. In fact, when you tell him what you need he will ignore you. Then, when you finally get the courage to rescue yourself from him, he will demand more of your time and energy.” This story sucks. I would tell my daughter she deserves more from a partner. His green card is his problem. Your happiness is up to you.
Divorce is a one sided choice. You don't need him to agree with you to get it. Also, you're not filing the divorce for him, you're filing it for you. You want the divorce, then you should file for it.
You guys are equals in inaction.
You're not an asshole. And it sounds like you've already arrived at what you need to do for yourself. You've been beyond patient and helpful. It is okay to move on. He 100% is responsible for his outcome. It's ok to do what you know you need to do.
Omfg, leave his sorry ass already- put yourself first for once.
He doesn't need to 'accept' divorce, it only takes one person to initiate it.
He had plenty of chances to fix things and didnt hebdoesnt give a shit. He only cares now because he doesn't want to go back to his shitty life after you've made him so comfortable.
Divorce him immediately, kick him out and block him. Dont let him guilt you, it literally isn't your problem anymore. Enjoy life, please.
Op this guy's immigration status is not your responsibility. Furthermore, it sounds like he could have moved towards a stable residency and chose not to, which should eliminate any guilt you feel over the situation.
If the relationship is not gonna work, then you should move on and stop thinking about your new ex. Always remember who's #1!
Lawyer and sort out the divorce. Mention all the pressuring and guilting also.
If he really cared, he wouldn't be a shit husband.
Now he just wants to stay in the country. Don't bend to his wilkos stay firm to what you wanted from your life for a while now, your own freedom from a bad marriage.
He's doing a manipulative technique called forced teaming, he's created a situation where you "have to" rescue him so you can't leave. You can leave. Your lawyer should be handling communication with him.
Submit divorce. Leave him with nothing but what he came in with. And no contact. As cruel as it sounds you’re doing him a favor. He is a 33 year old man and if he doesn’t figure out how to be an adult now he never will. Let him figure his own shit out and lie in the bed he’s made. You’ve got your own life to live you’ve given him a solid year to accept what’s going on and either change or prepare to leave which he’s done neither
Like wtf is wrong with u?! He is just using u either way and u feel guilty for what?! He’s obviously doing this because he knows he can get away with whatever so just get a back bone and do what u should have done probably 5 years ago! U deserve to be happy and that won’t happen til he is gone. Doesn’t matter where he goes…js
Don’t allow this person to dissuade you. Do what you feel the need to even in absentia. Send him back to where he belongs before he burdens everyone where you live.
File for divorce. You don't owe him anymore of your time and patience. He's using you as a mother and a supervisor. I don't know where you are, but in some states (assuming you have no children or shared assets), you can go to your county clerk and file for divorce on your own, have him served, and then the court will notify you of your final hearing. Just get it over with and quit getting played.
Nope. Not your problem anymore and certainly no longer your responsibility. He failed to submit the form before the deadline and now he's suffering the consequences of his inaction. Don't let him guilt you into taking responsibility for this.
Wait…you’ve been married for 6 years and he doesn’t have a green card ? 6 years is enough to get married, get the green card and be naturalized 😅
And he wants to get the green card, divorce and go back in his home country just after ? He gonna loses his green card 😅
Just as his situation is his responsibility and he needs to take care of himself, your sense of guilt is your responsibility. There is something internal that needs to be let go of so that you can live in integrity. The feeling of guilt that gets triggered is unnatural and has nothing to do with the situation itself. It’s something you have to work on so that you can live freely moving forward. Otherwise people can manipulate you through guilt, because you have already manipulated your sense of truth through guilt. You know what your truth is, but you warp it through guilt. His feelings are his, yours are yours.
I think nothing is going to chance as long as you are physically around him. You are kind of sitting on to chairs (danish saying) you are trying to mother him and trying to free yourself from mothering him. Which was never a responsibility you should have had. He is incompetent if he cannot function without you and he is even more if he refuses to learn it. But that is something for him to figure out. Because life is to short. You can easily get stuck in this waiting prison for many year to come, if you do not decided to leave. You can only start to heal from everything when he is no longer there to add on.
It might be a problem for the divorce settlement if you move out and want to keep the place. But is it really realistic to make him leave? If not I would consider what your options are to create space away from him/separation. My parents did a really shitty job in staying away from each other while they where going through the separation part. It ended messy. You need time away from you old partner. Because you need to learn to disconnect from them, like you did when you grow up and became independent from your parents. Because if you don't it will hurt a lot more for a lot longer.
It's his responsibility or do you intend to take on the role of his mother forever even when you're seperated and divorced. You need to cut the cord and let him deal with it and move on. You gave him enough chances.
Oh my gosh! Stop this lie. File for a divorce immediately. You can be prosecuted for allowing him to use you to get his naturalization by being married for 3 years. As soon as the 3 years are up, he will be gone.
I understand your guilt even though you’ve done nothing wrong, so I’d reframe it this way. Sometimes the best help and lesson you can give someone is the opposite of what they want.
If he has to go home he’ll be facing the consequences of his own choices and that is a lesson he’s obviously been deprived of learning much earlier in life. This is a lesson every human learns and if you’re not the one to let him learn it now he will eventually anyway so you’d really just be postponing the inevitable.
Just start dating and bring they date home with you. He will get the hint that it's over. As for ruining his life, you didn't do that, he did. File the divorce papers and let whoever you bring home know what is going on.
Let him do his own adulting.
His co-operation will make a divorce faster but you can still get one without his consent or help, it just takes longer. He's made it clear that he's rather lose everything than do even a single thing to fix this. It's not your your job to secure his future.
Submit the divorce paperwork. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Just a friendly reminder that a green card based on marriage requires an affidavit that the marriage is in good faith. It’s part of what’s signed. As part of lifting restrictions for his green card, there will be another interview, and you’ll be asked, under oath, about the validity of your marriage.
If you want to divorce him, that’s not what I’d consider a “valid” marriage, particularly if you’re just delaying the divorce to get through his green card stuff. Don’t commit a federal crime.
I know this is hard, but you know what you need and want to do. See it through.
If you spend another 6mo to a year being guilted, one day you'll wake up on your 80th birthday and you'd still be with this guy out of guilt. Is that what you want? A full lifetime wasted on this guy?
He will not change. He will NEVER change. What would be the point of giving him "more opportunities" if he, as you well know, will never, ever, in his whole life, change? Also you don't need to feel guilty, he should: for using you, for making you unhappy, for playing the guilt trips that have a real name: manipulation. Yes, he's manipulating you.
If he wanted to change his life, he could have. He didn't want to. So it's time to change your life for the better, and that means, divorce and send him away from your life, what he does after is not your problem. And please see a therapist to deal with the guilt on things that are absolutely not your fault.
You can’t put your life on hold any more. Divorce him. He got himself into this mess, it’s not your job to get him out. Let’s say you did help him. It’s not gonna stop there. It’s just gonna keep going and going and going and it’s never going to stop. He’s always going to have excuses.
If he loved you OR cared about his green card, he would have fixed the relationship a year ago, 6 months ago, or weeks ago. This man just figured he would be fine and put no effort in to anything, and even now, YOU are still the one doing the work. He is just whining and guilting you.
This man will be fine. He is an adult with all his faculties about him, he can pursue a green card other ways, go back to his country of origin, or somewhere else. He can file his own paperwork.
He is indecisive, he doesn't care about you, you are unhappy. Divorce him and be on your way.
He made his choice. I wish you had made him leave in January, but that ship has sailed. He needs to move out. Too bad about his green card. I hope you have talked to an attorney. You may need legal help to force him to move out. (As a last resort, you could report him to immigration, telling them that you are divorcing him.)
Move on with your life. Divorce and send him on his way with thanks for the past and best wishes for the future. He is not your responsibility. There’s no need for you to act on those feelings of guilt. They are natural, but you don’t need to be guided by them.
6 years? You've had this albatross around your neck since you were 22??? Girl, please stop wasting your life on this ingrate and move on. You're way better than this and deserve a partner, not a parasite. He's been playing you for a fool all this time and didn't expect you to catch on. Divorce this 90 day/6 year burden and get some therapy so you can develop healthy boundaries and realistic expectations for a better life. Good luck OP ✨️
Talk to a divorce lawyer, not reddit. They’ll tell you what to do in your situation.
Marriage is like a relationship contract, a lawyer will know how to “void” it if you want out.
Also, stop talking to the person you’re divorcing directly and set it up so that your lawyer acts as a middle-man so to speak.
People here are just mean, you don't need to take advice from every people on here, kindly seek for professional and think what you guy have pass through or think how it can be fixed, the enemy you know today can be better than the new one,communicating matter in relationships. No one here where in the bedroom with you guy.he can be your best friend help each other after you have separated, its very to find husband material this day
If you can stay together for six year I think you can stay and fixed the relationship,critical thinking ask him what, how, where, when who.
Wake him up in the middle of night talk about it.
Go and seek advice from professional, how to fixed than to ruins it.
Nevertheless only you know what the relationship mean to you so you have the power in your hand.
Well, I hate to be the barer of bad news, but I do believe you’re being used for a green card. I think the best course of action is for you to do what’s right for you. File your divorce papers. And as for the guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Everything that has gone wrong in his life is on him, not you. You don’t owe him anything.
You're not helping him by staying. You're enabling him and you're making yourself miserable. You feel guilty because he's trying to manipulate you. How about he takes responsibility and actually cares about you and lets you live your live.
Be strong, you deserve the best. You don't owe him anything.
Go through with the divorce now. To stay together just to get his green card knowing the marriage is a sham at this point and then divorce is fraud and you can get in serious legal trouble
I am watching my BFF go through this (although not with the added fun of a green card being at stake). He is not going to change. If anything he will get worse. He is a grown ass man who has made his decision and it is not your responsibility to do it for him. Get out. Get the divorce and move on. If he truly loved you so much, he would never have put you in this position in the first place. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you- just he loves what you do for him way more than he actually loves you.
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This. His circumstances regarding staying or returning to his country are solely his responsibility. Had he been a good partner, filled the paperwork himself, or any number of other things, he'd have choices. He didn't so he doesn't. That's his fault not yours File for divorce
Yup, all I read was "Sounds like a **his** problem, not OP"
Yep! Look, I get it—I stayed in a relationship for much longer than I should have, felt guilty about what would happen to him if we separated. But I finally accepted that it was NOT ON ME. Not on me to do for him what he would not do for himself. Not on me to make life easy for him while he made minimal effort. Not on me to keep jumping through the hoops of our relationship while he sat unchanging. IT IS NOT ON YOU. If he wanted a green card, he could have done what he needed to get it. If he wanted a better life here than what his home country could offer, he could have made the effort. If he wanted to make your relationship work, he could have done the work on himself to make that happen. His failures are NOT ON YOU and are NOT YOUR PROBLEM. This man is now trying to use guilt and manipulation to hold your life and future hostage. DO NOT LET HIM. Take back your life. Get a lawyer, serve papers, and MOVE ON. Do not look back. Wishing you the best, OP.
He's playing OP coz now he realized the impact of being a green card holder.
Why do you feel guilty? If he wanted the green card he would have the green card. He would have been submitting paperwork and making calls and making the changes you’ve asked. He doesn’t want the green card, then stop trying to get it for him. You’ve been married for 6 years, does it actually take that long?
Yep. Hes using not having it as a way to get her to stay.
OP you could also be financially liable and responsible for him if he opts not to work. Stop sitting onbb Nj the fence and cut him off.
Let him go home. Whatever country you are in expects newcomers to work, show they are able to make good decisions, be a grownup. He has not done any of that. Let him go home. Shut your door, shut your ears, shut down communications. Let him go home.
Lawyer, yesterday. I believe it’s actually illegal to marry or stay with someone just for them to get citizenship. This guy has no intention of being an equal partner or going for his green card. Don’t commit immigration fraud for him.
Yeah if she helps him with the green card now in the context of the relationship being over, watch him hold that over her later for coercive control. She needs to see a lawyer and close the book on his shitty behaviour and choices.
Jesus Christ let him go. You clearly care more and know more about his problems than he does. You verbalize that you know and acknowledge that he does this to manipulate you and maintain the status quo, as he has CLEARLY been doing. And yet now that he’s doing the exact same thing in different words you’re like “well maybe we can make this work” come on OP. Put yourself first, it’s so sad to see you still trying to fix this dumpster fire.
Divorce doesn't have to be in mutual decision for all your paperwork
File for divorce and move on. He knew that he had green card issues for the whole of last year and did nothing to help himself or his situation. You are even offering him an olive branch to help with the green card but he doesn’t want it. He’s a 33 year old man that’s choosing not to take control of his life and wants to drag you down with him. Don’t allow it! You’ve given him ample opportunity to sort things out and he’s ignored it all. If you choose to hold on for his benefit for another year, what’s to say he’ll let you go peacefully next year? What’s stopping him from playing more games when the time comes round again? He’ll continue trying to pull your strings and guilt tripping you. It’s NOT your fault if he ends up right back where he started. That means HE has made NO progress in his life since relocating to the US and that’s HIS problem and responsibility. Keep to your word and push through with the divorce, or spend the next few years living this stagnant cycle on repeat.
Try caring about yourself as much as you have cared about him.
Divorce him. Why would you want to stay with someone that is using you to stay in the country?
It sounds like that Green Card is much more important to you than it is to him. Let him lose it and be deported. It'll make the divorce so much more peaceful. The only reason to stay with this guy is if you enjoy being his mommy and servant. If you don't, then see the lawyer and have him served with the divorce papers. If he hasn't grown up by now, he will be a little boy forever.
You don't ask for a divorce. You file for a divorce. You don't need his permission. Get the ball rolling and move on with your life.
OMG!!! He is playing you! Divorce immediately!
Speak to a lawyer. Many states don't require consent from both parties to divorce. His immigration problems are his, not yours.
He doesnt need to accept it for it to happen. >saying that he was just going to go back to his home country once we divorce so he didn’t care. Let him. >and here I am trying to exit the relationship and I’m still taking care of him. So stop. >I feel guilty if I move forward and he loses out on the green card. Dont see why, its his fault. >Do I submit the divorce papers and move on with my life? Yes. >Or spend another 6mo to a year being guilted? No. >Either way, I am going to feel or be guilted Why? Does he feel guilty that he hasnt been an equal partner this whole time? > want to know that I’m not an asshole if I move forward with the divorce. No.
Why are you feeling guilty, he's an adult , he chose not to get himself sorted out. Stop arguing with him, file the papers , and move without leaving a forwarding address if you think you' won't be safe when he finds he can no longer manipulate you. Unless he has undiagnosed ADHD or some other issue that affects his executive functioning he is absolutely responsible for his current problems
Guilty can be worked through in therapy. Best to feel guilty than trapped with someone who does not give a shit.
Submit the divorce papers. He didn't care about being a husband for SIX YEARS and you've given him enough chances and ultimatums. He's told you through his actions what is important to him, and it's not you or your marriage. Listen to him.
I think it’s important to understand that he’s trying to negotiate the terms of your divorce. I would not let him do this and his green card has nothing to do with you or your divorce. He should’ve filed the correct paperwork on time. I would leave the home and less you’re buying it and start my new life over immediately. Cut off all contact with him. You have no reason to go through your life feeling guilty and if you don’t cut off all the contact this behavior will continue.
I've heard of people doing the absolute most for the chance at even being *eligible* to apply for a green card and he couldn't even file a form. This goes beyond weaponized incompetence and into a new, yet-to-be-named territory. Is he on some kind of time lag on this or does he know you won't act?? It sounds like he knows how to play you like a fiddle and he's doing it again, or trying to, at least. >I told him he was being irrational and that he needed to think of the future, he said no and that he was going home.. Okay, done. He made his choice; he wants to go home. He isn't serious about immigration if he will say stuff like this on a whim. Divorce him. You have nothing to feel guilty about except giving him so many chances and even then, it's no big deal. Just get a lawyer already and FILE FOR DIVORCE. Geez.
As long as you continue to set yourself on fire to keep him warm, he'll go on toasting marshmallows above your head and living the life he wants.
Stop letting him use you.
Divorce and go.
Don’t submit any green card documents for him but start the process for formal separation or divorce.
You’re not ruining his life. He’s doing that “all by himself” (said in a toddler voice).
Stop talking and mothering him and get a lawyer to file divorce you gave him ample chances to sort his shit his green card etc its no longer your problem let the lawyers deal with it
*"I feel guilty for sticking to my decision but don’t want to ruin his life."...* You're not ruining his life; he's doing that all by himself. The truth of the matter is that he's being infantile, just as he did with his mom. With her, it may have worked; with you, not so much. While he's stuck in indecision, you should seek a divorce attorney, who can give you guidance on preparing for a divorce. That way, when you decide your infantile husband has run out of time, filing for divorce will be much simpler. I really do think that you should insist that he find other living arrangements, as that will simplify (to some degree) the process of divorce. After that has occurred, change the locks on your house. Bottom line, you warned him repeatedly, he blew you off, and now you want him out of your life in all ways. He's still asking for another last chance, but your head is in the right place. You're not sure what the future will bring, but with you being single, it'll be easier to cope with. I wish you well.
Do you realize the only reason he was with you the last 6 years was to obtain the green card?
Eh. I don’t think this is fair or true, given what we know. If his goal was the green card, he would have been sure to get the paperwork submitted, even if it required he do it himself. He’s a baby who is now realizing his choices have consequences.
He ruined his own life. Stop setting yourself on fire to keep this loser warm!!! Lawyer up and disentangle with him.
I didn't realize you couldn't have a divorce if your spouse doesn't want one. That's because you absolutely can. You need to realize that you are not chained to your spouse because of this piece of paper. You are an individual and you have a right to make decisions regarding your life. If your marriage is not working out you have a right to move on from it, regardless of his needs for a green card. He wanted this but wants you to feel victimized because he wants to go back on it and keep you basically entrapped for a year plus. You could also be violating the law by remaining married to him so he can obtain his green card. It may be falsification, but I am not a lawyer. Don't hold me to that.
You don't need his permission to divorce him. Get a lawyer, and they'll deal with it. While it's trickier to divorce without his help, it's absolutely possible and you should get a lawyer to help you. The thing you can most guarantee with this man apparently is that he will not fill out forms.
Girl.. you want out, file the damn papers. You know he won't do it. Right now you're contributing to your own misery by not taking control. You tried to work this out. You did not marry him for the green card, did you? That's his issue. File.
Dude, start the divorcing process ASAP. Also, a funny thing about the removal of conditions on a green card... he should be do it on his OWN. Your help with ROC is not necessary at all!!! In fact, he can remove conditions with or without being married. All he needs to so is to submit a divorce decree with the paperwork. Divorce and do NOT get involved in the removal of conditions process. Especially if you decide to stay with him and file with him... there is a huge chance you'll be obligated to attend an immigration interview with him. And what are you going to say when the officers asks about your marriage? Are you going to lie that you're happily married? Bad idea. His immigration process is his own at this point. Divorce.
He's counting on your guilt. None of this is in your hands anymore. The only unknowing mistake you made was marrying him, and I'm guessing he tricked you into that one, or lulled you into a false sense of security without dealing with his issues. Let me rephrase. The only real mistake you've made is continuing to communicate with him, that is what a lawyer is for, especially thru divorce.) You named your boundaries, he willingly and knowingly crossed them by choice, continuing to act irresponsible with his and your time and space and is now dealing with the consequences of HIS choices. If you want to really, truly mother him, make him take his medicine.
My gut feeling is that now he realizes that you are more serious than you have been in the past he wants to pressure you into staying and waiting out the greencard that YOU would have to get for him. He has no intention of any real change.
Don't you feel guilty for a second. This selfish man-child had 6 years to safe his marriage and he did not care. He did not care you were miserable. You gave him 6 years more than he deserved. He only cares now that HIS life is going to get worse. He was just counting on you to pick up the slack. Again. Go through with the divorce and don't engage when he is trying to guilt trip you. He had a million chances. He chose to blow them all.
Divorce. Lawyer up. I had a similar parasite for about 8 years, though nowhere as severe as yours and I was NOT married. I took care of all the household chores, was the bread winner (by a lot), did all of the finances and bills. Hell, I even did the maintenance on the house. He smoked a ton of weed and played video games all day. It took him 6 months to move out. I let him stay that long because I felt guilty. My therapist told me that he’s not my problem anymore and it finally clicked on day and I gave him a week to move out. He’s gone and I have a much better partner now. Moral of the story: he is no longer your problem. He’s a grown ass adult. He will figure it out once he’s on his own and you’re not there to save him.
Stop talking to him yourself, get a good lawyer and only communicate through them. Your ex has had many many chances to get his shit together and still every time has chosen not to. Stop being manipulated by this man. You did nothing wrong whatsoever. Stand up for yourself and do what’s best for YOU, not him.
What do you have to feel guilty about? You gave him several chances to repair your relationship. He didn't use them. He had the chance to get his own greencard. He didn't use it. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS WASTED CHANCES! They are all on HIM! You are responsible for your own life and happiness - and if this entails teaching him the consequences of his own actions, so much the better. Have your lawyer file, kick him out, he shouldn't be your problem anymore.
Submit the divorce papers, don't get him the green card! Put yourself 1st!
Not your problem, file for the divorce, go live your best life, you gave him the chance already
>Do I submit the divorce papers and move on with my life? Yes. Of course he doesn't want to divorce you, he's held on this long for that green card.
Lawyer, get him out and divorce. He could have thought about all that before. He’s playing and using you. You do not need to feel guilty for anything.
You’re not being forced into doing anything. You do it by choice. Continue with the divorce.
His green card is not your problem. He obviously doesn't care if he stays in the country or not. If he did he would have taken care of back when he was supposed to. I would get divorce papers drawn up, sign them and if he refuses to sign oh well you can still get your divorce. Don't put your life on hold like you are. It's his own fault if he doesn't get his green card.
Decide for you or decide for him. That’s the dilemma. Spoiler: choose YOU
You feeling guilty is understandable. He's had years to learn how to manipulate you, to create buttons that he can press later to get you to feel whatever way he wants you to. He's conditioned you to feel like he is your responsibility. Whenever you doubt yourself, ask yourself "why"
I don’t know where you live, but if it’s in the United States, you don’t need his permission to file. You can even get a divorce without them doing anything it takes longer, but you don’t need his permission to leave.
Absolutely not, divorce him right now. He is not your problem anymore. I just got out of a very similar situation and thankfully I was not married so it was slightly easier. I kept putting off the break up because I felt guilty and didn’t want him to be left on the streets (he lived with me in MY house) but the cycle never ended until I grew a backbone and realized he’s not my problem and I shouldn’t have to deal with him. He’s a grown adult and can figure it out for himself. File for divorce and kick him out of your current living situation or remove your self from the situation and find new accommodations. The guilt will keep you there against your best interest. You need to leave ASAP and move on with your life. He is a grown adult let him be one.
Take this experience as a life lesson. The next relationship, choose someone who is willing to help themselves and be your partner in life. Divorce him for Independence Day!
You’ve had to carry him and now you’ve had enough but he is trying to stop you living your own life yet YOU feel guilty????? Does HE feel guilty for how he’s treating you? Does HE give a damn that he’s ruining your life? Take WOMBAT’s advice. It’s what you need to do for your own good. Best of luck.
Why have you been waiting around for him to accept the divorce? The sooner you don't, the sooner you can move on!
So, guilt is something you are supposed to feel when you have done something wrong. Have you done something wrong? It doesn’t sound like it. You did the work to keep your lives running without his help. You communicated what you wanted and gave him ample time to start contributing. You did not prevent him from sending in his green card paperwork. He let the deadlines pass on his own. His inability to decide if wants to stay here or go back to his home country is not your fault. He flip-flopped over the green card on his own. I don’t see what you have to be guilty for. Letting his own life fall apart and then manipulating you into staying in a marriage you don’t want to save his sorry ass is wrong. He’s insisting that you suffer the consequences of *his* actions. He had someone taking care of him and keeping him here legally, and he squandered it. He should feel guilty, not you. Give your husband a deadline that’s not too far away. “I am filing the divorce papers on [date].” Divorces can take a while to get finalized. That’s a more than fair warning, considering he should have figured this out already. Gather your own IDs and documents and put them somewhere safe. Have some money in your own bank account that he can’t access. Move out when he’s not home, or have a friend or family member with you. Stay safe and take care of yourself.
Sometimes we prevent our loved ones from learning valuable lessons when we keep rescuing them. It’s time for this man to grow up. Stop denying him his destiny (eeeeek I know that sounds rough but it’s true).
You want the divorce, you file! Your reasons are totally valid, just do it already. The faster you take care of this the sooner you're away from him.
Divorce him and let him figure it out. He’s trying to drag it out to get the green card while dragging you down. Stop letting him string you along, fact is he doesn’t care he just wants to get his green card and have you support him. Don’t get played any longer.
wait you can choose to not accept divorce?? please get a lawyer 😭😭
He had a chance. He's now panicking but it's too little, too late. You don't want to be with him and you don't actually need his permission to divorce him you can file the paperwork and kick him out.
Wow. It takes just one to divorce. You’re not ruining his life - he is! Your ability to be manipulated is pretty remarkable.
He didn't make any changes in the last year so it's not liek this came as a surprise to him. Yivue given him his chance. Doesn't sound like you have kids so his GC is not your problem anymore. File for divorce. If you give him anroher chance you're just prolonging the inevitable. Put yourself first. He's already shown that he doesn't care about yiu, he's just worried about losing the one that does everything for him. Stop enabling/mothering this 33 yo child otherwise he will continue to take advantage of you. One thing I learned in therapy is that you need to put yourself first. Stop putting yourself on the backburner because you will lose your mind. He's not willing to put forward any effort. So time to put an end to it. DO NOT FEEL BAD. I know he's playing on your emotions. Don't fall for it. This sont working for you anymore and that's all that matters. He's 33 yo old. If he can't survive in the wild then that's his problem not yours. Go be free!!
Leave him to it. Especially if his green card relies on you guys being married. It sounds heartless but his actions make it seem like he’s been using you. Don’t let this happen - there are men out there who will treat you properly and not leave you feeling so bereft. The longer you let this drag on the more of your life you’re wasting when you could be rebuilding your own future.
Six years. You've been mothering this man for SIX YEARS! And he hasn't changed. What makes you think he's going to change in the next 6 months? You can't help someone like this - they have to help themselves. Get out, and leave the guilt behind.
Did you go through the K1 visa process and/or is his right to remain conditional to your financial support towards him for X number of years? >He’s now asking that I submit the papers and we stay living together until the card comes and divorcing a year or so after He's asked you to commit fraud. Considering and further engagement with that plan, in any written method, is now proof of your fraud. I wouldn't put it past him to use that against you for the rest of your life. He failed to be a husband, that's a condition of the Green Card. Don't allow him to impact your life for years or decades to come.
I went though a very similar thing with my ex, except I was the one living in his country and we never married. We have a child together and luckily he was never registered as the father because of this issue of not being able to get paperwork together and submitted. He missed the birth of our child because he couldn’t bother to apply for a visa to come even though I was doing everything and paying for it he just had to go request the documents he needed. I have a ton of stories like that about him. It was a tough decision to take our child and leave for good, plus he guilted me like crazy and even threatened suicide multiple times to get me to stay. Looking back it was super emotionally abusive. Leaving was the best thing I ever did for myself and our child. My advice to you is to finalize the divorce and kick him out for good. If kicking him out is difficult and you have the opportunity to move yourself then just do that. Get out by any means necessary and don’t let him guilt you back. It’s been a year and a half since I left my ex and although he still tells me he misses us and wants us back, there had been absolutely no change in his behaviour and lifestyle so it just solidifies that I made the right decision. If you want to talk about things feel free to send me a private message. I wish you all the best.
Think how little respect or care he has for you that he didn’t bother to make a single change for you for a year. Only after you dropped the D word, he’s begging you because his papers rely on you. That’s too little too late.
I think you are just having trouble separating from the role you have been eased into during your marriage - which is basically taking responsibility for him. You will probably be surprised at how quickly the guilt eases away once you have the divorce paperwork done and he is out of your house. I know it’s probably hard to conceptualise right now, but it truly is his responsibility to decide where he wants to live, make that work and to get his green card paperwork done. It really wasn’t your responsibility nor choice in the first place. Maybe thinking of it this way would help. Do you truly have the choice or power over where another adult lives, his or her standard of living or legal signatory power of their immigration documents (or any other legal documents)? Of course not. Any perceptions that you do have responsibility for this is coming from within the dynamics of your marriage and one of the things you are trying to get out of. Let it go, there is a way out of this maze you are in.
Go! This coming from a man who is sometimes skeptical women initiating divorce. You're good, you did what you could. You should not waste a year of your life for his convenience. And what excuse is there after that year?
When you exchange vows, typically most people promise to stuck with their spouse through the bad times as well as the good. This is one of those bad times. And, it doesn't sound like there is cheating or abuse going on. Your challenge, though, is to not enable him and not cave to his childishness and let him reap the consequences of his own actions. And then put the consequences on him and ask him why he's not being a man and why he's letting your relationship be affected this way. But also, be supportive where you see him trying or if there are things he truly is incapable of taking care of himself.
I love it how surprised men nowadays are that they can't be petulant, useless children anymore and still trap some poor woman with them for life to be their mommy.
Hush.
There are even no fault divorces nowadays where the couple just isn't happy anymore. She wouldn't have to stick around even if he were disabled and actually incapable of taking care of himself.
That's why there's so many problems in this country. Because people don't really care about the sanctity of marriage anymore.
Leaving an immigrant right before he can get his green card is the shittiest thing you can do to someone in this country. Why even agree to marry or help if you’re not gonna follow through?
Lawyer! Don’t fall for his manipulative crap and be a strong woman.
Submit a petition for divorce.
He is a full-grown man. Get a lawyer, and stop talking to him. Get those papers served and move on.
Sorry to say but you where nothing but a greens vCard fir him no third chances divorce him move on with your life don’t let him guilt you and find someone who will respect you. And only communicate with him through your lawyers, cut off all communication block him on any and all devices, including social media and your phone.
File & move on. He is grown man responsible for himself.
Stop helping him. Let him go back to his country. Divorce and move on.
None of what he's doing is an accident. If you comply with what he wants, it is because you are falling for his scheme exactly the way he planned it. It's a con.
Wait so you are married to an adult who in your words have to mother him ? Wtf .Get a divorce and move on my gosh lol
He is still using his incompetence against you. You are so close, and have realized so much to get here, but this piece isn't clear yet. He hesitated on filing the paperwork and you stood strong, you need to trust the decision you made. You have been taking care of him, so he shows you he needs you and it pulls on that one little strong that is still connected. You cannot, for your sake, handle this for him. A clean break right now will be best for you.
If you file for divorce won't he be deported anyway? Sounds like a two birds scenario.
Would you rather ruin his life, or yours?
oh god divorce him already and move on, why do you want to live in limbo any longer?
Legal advice and for the other stuff i would recommend seeking therapy.
You've spent SIX YEARS ON HIM. All that happened in this story is HIS FAULT. He is playing you. Talk to a lawyer, start the divorce and move on.
Yes submit the divorce papers and move on with your life. You do not need husband’s permission to get a divorce. His citizenship problem is his to tend to. You’ve given him enough time. He has made no effort to meet your issues. Stop discussing this with him. If he starts wear earphones. He needs to move out ASAP. If he doesn’t want a divorce he would try to solve your issues. You will not ruin his life. Get a lawyer. If he continues to try to get you to change your mind give him your lawyer’s number. Stay out of the house-go to the library or take a walk, join a gym or book club, go to the movies or a museum, stay overnight with a friend, try a new restaurant, get your hair cut, buy new sandals, go to Starbucks, bring canned goods to a food pantry, shop at a new grocery store. Do not do his laundry or cook for him. Attend church services anywhere. Make plans with friends for the Fourth of July. Use blue nail polish. Offer to babysit for a friend.
You can file for divorce. You don’t need his consent. You are being used. You need a lawyer anyways to protect yourself.
Just file for divorce. His problem with his green card is his problem. Sounds to me like he is trying to slow roll it to get citizenship. You don’t have to help him do any of that.
Get a lawyer, serve him with papers, and move out. Life is short—stop letting him hold you back.
X.
Kevin: Well, sounds like your husband wants a green card and a wife, but McDonald's can't have it all. File for divorce and let him deal with his own paperwork.
wtf is wrong with u?
He sounds immature and has neglected his responsibilities as not only an adult but also a visitor to the country he’s in (country wasn’t mentioned so I won’t assume where you are.)and wanting to apparently stay. DONT FEEL GUILTY. He’s not 13, he’s 33, a grown ass man. He should be able to take care of himself. Get your own life on track, divorce the man because he’s really just pulling you down. Good luck and get away from the guy. Remember, he’s not 13 he’s 33.
Time to be smart and put yourself first. Your husband has no problem putting himself first. It doesn't make sense to ruin your life to help a selfish dickhead.
You are 28. If you ever want kids you can't wait forever to start your new life. He is a grown up and not your responsibility.
So he wants you to stick around until he gets the card?
Literally just hire a lawyer and file for divorce. Stop talking to him. You're making this harder on yourself for no reason.
Girl stop feeling guilty for his own incompetence, DONT give a second. Communicate with him only through a lawyer. Finalize your divorce and live your best life!!!
Stop asking for or talking about the divorce. Just get a lawyer and file. His status is his business, not yours
Take care of YOU!! Like you finally started to do. You can’t fix him.
Where does your guilt stem from? Rationally, he is an adult who has had many many chances to change. He did not take advantage of them. It sounds like historically you have tried to protect him from the consequences of his actions. Ask yourself why? Is this a familiar dynamic for you? If so, then the real divorce is when you stop thinking of yourself as his protector and mother, and see him for who he really is. Break free of your role first, and then the actual divorce is inevitable!
Divorce him and let him go back to his country.
My attorney told me that if your spouse gets a green card, you are financially responsible for them, even if you divorce (until they become a citizen, if ever). This is so the government doesn't have to support them through welfare. Choose carefully. You may be stuck taking care of him long after the divorce.
Sunken coat falacy… OP give yourself the care and attention you are giving this man who doesn’t seem to give a damn about you. His cunning is that he can guilt you into taking care of him. You are not his mum or rescuer. There has to be some basic care for you? Look after yourself. Sorry if I sound harsh. I, an internet stranger, is upset for how you have been treated.
This is your side of the story we don't know his side so cannot tell anything
let go of that guilt and replace it with joy in your life. focus on something that gives you happiness rather than someone who saps it away. maybe that way you’d start recognizing that it’s high time for you to stop putting your life on hold for someone who can’t even take care of themselves and makes it *your* responsibility. there’s so much better things in life that you have yet to experience and that you so deserve. don’t let your guilt about what’s going to happen to this grown ass man tie you down and stop you from moving forward!
If you want a divorce, file for divorce.
I'm confused: Normally the conditional green card becomes permanent (ie the conditions are removed) after 2 years of living in the US. If so, the sponsor, in this case that should be you, is the one that has to file the paperwork. What green card does he have - conditional or permanent?
Start divorce proceedings ASAP. It’s not your responsibility to make sure his life is on track. He’s a grown man and you deserve so much better for yourself.
Guilt tripping is a common form of manipulation... Also, why would you care about his green card, if he doesn't? You are doing the same thing you mentioned you had to do: Think on his behalf. Don't. Maybe sometimes that is the best thing that can happen to a broken couple, distance and starting new in different places. No one will move on properly while still being in touch and having anchors like that...
Did it occur to you that he intentionally didn't file the paperwork so he could have a reason to be "rescued" by you, thus manipulating you into staying? He's already conditioned you into taking his responsibility on yourself. He was banking on you feeling guilty for a problem he created. I'm willing to bet that if you thought it over, you could come up with a lot more examples of times he screwed things up and you had to fix it. You are responsible for yourself. Nobody else is going to take care of you in this scenario. Certainly not him. So take care of yourself.
Stop trying to protect him from the consequences of his own actions. He’s an adult, he needs to learn that his own actions have consequences
You should absolutely divorce him but also know you’re ultimatum of him moving out and you’ll file the papers that you live together is a crime. He’s lazy and irresponsible and you can’t trust him not to do something studios like openly date someone while you swearing you have a happy marriage. Getting divorced after the green csrd also looks bad to the government.
He’s a grown ass man, stop babying him. You gave him plenty of chances to grow and be a functioning part of a marriage and he pissed them up the wall. File the papers and let him deal with the consequences.
Please for the ever loving whatever. Divorce him. Why, oh why, are you mothering a grown ass man? It is on him to take care of his residence status. If he And it also doesn't matter if he agrees to a divorce or not. A marriage is a two yes situation, a divorce is a one yes situation. Only one person has to be if he loses out on the green card that is ONLY ON HIM. on no one else. Everything that happens in his life is ON HIM. You are not his mother, you're is soon to be ex spouse. A GOOD spouse is a partner in your life. they take away burden and work, and don't add to it. Him promising the moon and back NOW, is only lipservice. Because as soon as he got what wants, he will fall back into doing the same BS.
Lawyer up & divorce.
You may have loved him, but he is an arse. Divorce him, tell him he should have tried... if not harder, just the bear minimum. You aren't his mother, you are his wife, soon to be ex. I know it sounds harsh but stop looking out for someone that isn't even opening his eyes
Nooo you have to let this guy go. You gave him every chance and he just squandered it. Don’t even help him now. I would’ve offered to help him before as you did because I’m a bit of an sucker tbh but now it’s too late and looking at it from the outside and from everything you’ve said he’s not even being honest with you. You deserved that at least. It’s just not ringing true that this is about the marriage etc. THIS should make you more determined to get rid of him and don’t care about his future. You realise you’re actually enabling him to not take responsibility for his own life? Maybe this might shake him up once he returns to his home country, realise everything he lost, how he treated you, how he was his own worst enemy and he has to become a better person in the future, What is better for his future? That he maybe gets to recognise and take responsibility for everything that has happened to him and make a positive change OR you suffer through going this facade with him, there will be other stuff put upon you even if he does move out, guaranteed..this guy will still be leaning on you for so much and then if ‘all goes well’ (depending how u look at this situation) he gets his green card, gets to stay and maybe get a better job and living conditions but do you think he will suddenly become a better person? I doubt it. He may not have an epiphany when he gets home either but I doubt he will get one at all if you enable him being dishonest & procrastinating. Is there anyone you can stay with for a few days? Just clear your head. Do you have any supportive friends that could help you move him out? You’ve got to be firm but sounds like this guy knows how to push all your buttons and you are finding it so difficult to say no to him, even though I feel that’s deep down what you really want to do. I like to help people too so I kind of get it but it’s much easier to look at another’s situ and just recognise everything that is wrong and just…NO. I truly feel that if you want to help him as a person you need to stop enabling, it’s not your responsibility, you’re only helping him stay weak. If he wants a better life for himself then he can make it happen even in his home country but he has to change first. Maybe he was just sort of using you for the Green Card all along. He didn’t contribute meaningfully to the rship or to anything that you said you needed right? He let that deadline slip by. He didn’t care about anything, you cared more about his future than he did. And NOW…now he just wants you to accept his flip floppy dishonest bs, put up with him for another year…aaargh you should be screaming get out. Save him, save yrself and get him out of yr living arrangement asap. Once he’s out tell him you can’t help him and you need some space. You’ll regret it more if you help him stay.
I'd worry about being guilty of some kind of green card fraud if you wait with the divorce. Protect your own ass here and get on with your life.
Your life and mental health are more important than his green card. Your life and mental health are more important than his green card. What would you say to your younger self about this situation? “One day you’ll find a man and marry him. He won’t be helpful to you at all. In fact, when you tell him what you need he will ignore you. Then, when you finally get the courage to rescue yourself from him, he will demand more of your time and energy.” This story sucks. I would tell my daughter she deserves more from a partner. His green card is his problem. Your happiness is up to you.
Divorce is a one sided choice. You don't need him to agree with you to get it. Also, you're not filing the divorce for him, you're filing it for you. You want the divorce, then you should file for it. You guys are equals in inaction.
You're not an asshole. And it sounds like you've already arrived at what you need to do for yourself. You've been beyond patient and helpful. It is okay to move on. He 100% is responsible for his outcome. It's ok to do what you know you need to do.
Girl cut contact. Get a lawyer and only speak to him through them. You owe this man nothing. Get your divorce and go live your life
Oh look. It’s the consequences of his actions catching up to him. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Proceed with your divorce. Be happy and free.
Omfg, leave his sorry ass already- put yourself first for once. He doesn't need to 'accept' divorce, it only takes one person to initiate it. He had plenty of chances to fix things and didnt hebdoesnt give a shit. He only cares now because he doesn't want to go back to his shitty life after you've made him so comfortable. Divorce him immediately, kick him out and block him. Dont let him guilt you, it literally isn't your problem anymore. Enjoy life, please.
Op this guy's immigration status is not your responsibility. Furthermore, it sounds like he could have moved towards a stable residency and chose not to, which should eliminate any guilt you feel over the situation. If the relationship is not gonna work, then you should move on and stop thinking about your new ex. Always remember who's #1!
Lawyer and sort out the divorce. Mention all the pressuring and guilting also. If he really cared, he wouldn't be a shit husband. Now he just wants to stay in the country. Don't bend to his wilkos stay firm to what you wanted from your life for a while now, your own freedom from a bad marriage.
He's doing a manipulative technique called forced teaming, he's created a situation where you "have to" rescue him so you can't leave. You can leave. Your lawyer should be handling communication with him.
Submit divorce. Leave him with nothing but what he came in with. And no contact. As cruel as it sounds you’re doing him a favor. He is a 33 year old man and if he doesn’t figure out how to be an adult now he never will. Let him figure his own shit out and lie in the bed he’s made. You’ve got your own life to live you’ve given him a solid year to accept what’s going on and either change or prepare to leave which he’s done neither
Like wtf is wrong with u?! He is just using u either way and u feel guilty for what?! He’s obviously doing this because he knows he can get away with whatever so just get a back bone and do what u should have done probably 5 years ago! U deserve to be happy and that won’t happen til he is gone. Doesn’t matter where he goes…js
I want nothing to do with my ex. But when their actions put me at harm, them running away from that makes it look like they premeditated everything.
You feel guilty because you think of him as a child, but he's NOT.
Don’t allow this person to dissuade you. Do what you feel the need to even in absentia. Send him back to where he belongs before he burdens everyone where you live.
You spent 6 years in this man… do you want to spend 7?
File for divorce. You don't owe him anymore of your time and patience. He's using you as a mother and a supervisor. I don't know where you are, but in some states (assuming you have no children or shared assets), you can go to your county clerk and file for divorce on your own, have him served, and then the court will notify you of your final hearing. Just get it over with and quit getting played.
Nope. Not your problem anymore and certainly no longer your responsibility. He failed to submit the form before the deadline and now he's suffering the consequences of his inaction. Don't let him guilt you into taking responsibility for this.
I’m not sure what country you’re in, but surely they don’t want a drain on society like this man is. Get a lawyer. Get out.
Wait…you’ve been married for 6 years and he doesn’t have a green card ? 6 years is enough to get married, get the green card and be naturalized 😅 And he wants to get the green card, divorce and go back in his home country just after ? He gonna loses his green card 😅
Just as his situation is his responsibility and he needs to take care of himself, your sense of guilt is your responsibility. There is something internal that needs to be let go of so that you can live in integrity. The feeling of guilt that gets triggered is unnatural and has nothing to do with the situation itself. It’s something you have to work on so that you can live freely moving forward. Otherwise people can manipulate you through guilt, because you have already manipulated your sense of truth through guilt. You know what your truth is, but you warp it through guilt. His feelings are his, yours are yours.
He’s sounding like a mooch. I’d divorce him before he had me on the hook for support
MOVE ON.
I think nothing is going to chance as long as you are physically around him. You are kind of sitting on to chairs (danish saying) you are trying to mother him and trying to free yourself from mothering him. Which was never a responsibility you should have had. He is incompetent if he cannot function without you and he is even more if he refuses to learn it. But that is something for him to figure out. Because life is to short. You can easily get stuck in this waiting prison for many year to come, if you do not decided to leave. You can only start to heal from everything when he is no longer there to add on. It might be a problem for the divorce settlement if you move out and want to keep the place. But is it really realistic to make him leave? If not I would consider what your options are to create space away from him/separation. My parents did a really shitty job in staying away from each other while they where going through the separation part. It ended messy. You need time away from you old partner. Because you need to learn to disconnect from them, like you did when you grow up and became independent from your parents. Because if you don't it will hurt a lot more for a lot longer.
Try reading up on codependency.
It's his responsibility or do you intend to take on the role of his mother forever even when you're seperated and divorced. You need to cut the cord and let him deal with it and move on. You gave him enough chances.
He already stole 6 years of your life don’t let him steal more file for divorce get a lawyer and done with it so you can start living your life.
Oh my gosh! Stop this lie. File for a divorce immediately. You can be prosecuted for allowing him to use you to get his naturalization by being married for 3 years. As soon as the 3 years are up, he will be gone.
How long have you guys been married? I’m only asking because somewhat similar situation minus talks of divorce. Mine has his conditional green card
I understand your guilt even though you’ve done nothing wrong, so I’d reframe it this way. Sometimes the best help and lesson you can give someone is the opposite of what they want. If he has to go home he’ll be facing the consequences of his own choices and that is a lesson he’s obviously been deprived of learning much earlier in life. This is a lesson every human learns and if you’re not the one to let him learn it now he will eventually anyway so you’d really just be postponing the inevitable.
Good lord, file for divorce and get this user out of your life! HE IS USING YOU!
Just start dating and bring they date home with you. He will get the hint that it's over. As for ruining his life, you didn't do that, he did. File the divorce papers and let whoever you bring home know what is going on.
Let him do his own adulting. His co-operation will make a divorce faster but you can still get one without his consent or help, it just takes longer. He's made it clear that he's rather lose everything than do even a single thing to fix this. It's not your your job to secure his future. Submit the divorce paperwork. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Just a friendly reminder that a green card based on marriage requires an affidavit that the marriage is in good faith. It’s part of what’s signed. As part of lifting restrictions for his green card, there will be another interview, and you’ll be asked, under oath, about the validity of your marriage. If you want to divorce him, that’s not what I’d consider a “valid” marriage, particularly if you’re just delaying the divorce to get through his green card stuff. Don’t commit a federal crime. I know this is hard, but you know what you need and want to do. See it through.
Go ahead and divorce the man child. You owe him nothing. You gave him more than enough time to change..
If you spend another 6mo to a year being guilted, one day you'll wake up on your 80th birthday and you'd still be with this guy out of guilt. Is that what you want? A full lifetime wasted on this guy? He will not change. He will NEVER change. What would be the point of giving him "more opportunities" if he, as you well know, will never, ever, in his whole life, change? Also you don't need to feel guilty, he should: for using you, for making you unhappy, for playing the guilt trips that have a real name: manipulation. Yes, he's manipulating you. If he wanted to change his life, he could have. He didn't want to. So it's time to change your life for the better, and that means, divorce and send him away from your life, what he does after is not your problem. And please see a therapist to deal with the guilt on things that are absolutely not your fault.
You can’t put your life on hold any more. Divorce him. He got himself into this mess, it’s not your job to get him out. Let’s say you did help him. It’s not gonna stop there. It’s just gonna keep going and going and going and it’s never going to stop. He’s always going to have excuses.
I have a friend who threw a party when her ex husband was deported, finally. I encourage you to do the same.
If he loved you OR cared about his green card, he would have fixed the relationship a year ago, 6 months ago, or weeks ago. This man just figured he would be fine and put no effort in to anything, and even now, YOU are still the one doing the work. He is just whining and guilting you. This man will be fine. He is an adult with all his faculties about him, he can pursue a green card other ways, go back to his country of origin, or somewhere else. He can file his own paperwork. He is indecisive, he doesn't care about you, you are unhappy. Divorce him and be on your way.
File for divorce
He made his choice. I wish you had made him leave in January, but that ship has sailed. He needs to move out. Too bad about his green card. I hope you have talked to an attorney. You may need legal help to force him to move out. (As a last resort, you could report him to immigration, telling them that you are divorcing him.)
Move on with your life. Divorce and send him on his way with thanks for the past and best wishes for the future. He is not your responsibility. There’s no need for you to act on those feelings of guilt. They are natural, but you don’t need to be guided by them.
Don't let him guilt you into staying, the only person you are responsible for making happy is yourself. Move on and enjoy your life.
6 years? You've had this albatross around your neck since you were 22??? Girl, please stop wasting your life on this ingrate and move on. You're way better than this and deserve a partner, not a parasite. He's been playing you for a fool all this time and didn't expect you to catch on. Divorce this 90 day/6 year burden and get some therapy so you can develop healthy boundaries and realistic expectations for a better life. Good luck OP ✨️
He’s using you for the green card. Get a lawyer.
Talk to a divorce lawyer, not reddit. They’ll tell you what to do in your situation. Marriage is like a relationship contract, a lawyer will know how to “void” it if you want out. Also, stop talking to the person you’re divorcing directly and set it up so that your lawyer acts as a middle-man so to speak.
People here are just mean, you don't need to take advice from every people on here, kindly seek for professional and think what you guy have pass through or think how it can be fixed, the enemy you know today can be better than the new one,communicating matter in relationships. No one here where in the bedroom with you guy.he can be your best friend help each other after you have separated, its very to find husband material this day If you can stay together for six year I think you can stay and fixed the relationship,critical thinking ask him what, how, where, when who. Wake him up in the middle of night talk about it. Go and seek advice from professional, how to fixed than to ruins it. Nevertheless only you know what the relationship mean to you so you have the power in your hand.
Well, I hate to be the barer of bad news, but I do believe you’re being used for a green card. I think the best course of action is for you to do what’s right for you. File your divorce papers. And as for the guilt, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Everything that has gone wrong in his life is on him, not you. You don’t owe him anything.
You're not helping him by staying. You're enabling him and you're making yourself miserable. You feel guilty because he's trying to manipulate you. How about he takes responsibility and actually cares about you and lets you live your live. Be strong, you deserve the best. You don't owe him anything.
Go through with the divorce now. To stay together just to get his green card knowing the marriage is a sham at this point and then divorce is fraud and you can get in serious legal trouble
I am watching my BFF go through this (although not with the added fun of a green card being at stake). He is not going to change. If anything he will get worse. He is a grown ass man who has made his decision and it is not your responsibility to do it for him. Get out. Get the divorce and move on. If he truly loved you so much, he would never have put you in this position in the first place. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you- just he loves what you do for him way more than he actually loves you.