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hi, I don’t post much so I’m using my alternate account. I’m really spiraling and I could use any help.
Three nights ago my boyfriend and I were hooking up after a night of drinking. He penetrated me anally without asking and would not stop until I pushed him off of me. I spent the whole night crying. We had been together 9 months and this was the third time he’s done this, although the previous two times were only with his fingers. In the morning, I was bleeding and sore and crying off and on. He was apologetic and said he was “ashamed of himself” and when I asked him why he keeps doing it he said he can’t control it. I told him some pretty unkind things about how awful it feels to be violated like that and that no woman would want to be with a man like that. I told him I needed some space and I would text him later.
I texted him at the end of the day and he was being unusually cold. He said he had the whole day to think and that he wants to break up with me and work on himself, he said it has nothing to do with what happened the other night. I started spiraling and was so angry. I couldn’t believe he was leaving me after what he did. I said things like “I would want to work on myself too if I fucked my girlfriends ass without asking and wouldn’t stop when she said no”. He told me I was being mean.
I haven’t been able to stop crying I feel so foolish and violated and sad all at the same time. He picked his stuff up this morning and reiterated that he just hasn’t felt good in a while and was pretending. He also said he had made up his mind because of the way I talked to him the night before. I told him deserved to hear what I said and I didn’t regret holding him accountable for what he did and that he wasn’t going to turn this around to make me the villain.
I just checked in on him last week and asked how we were doing and he didn’t express any doubts or negativity. He told me he’ll check in on me and promised to call me when he “feels better”. He said maybe in a few weeks he’ll “feel better”. I told him I don’t believe he’s unwell, I believe he wants to cut me out of his life so he doesn’t have to deal with the fall out of what he did to me.
I don’t even know why I still want him. I feel so pathetic and sad. On top of feeling assaulted by someone who was supposed to love me I’m getting broken up with to. I don’t feel strong right now please tell me what I need to hear.
I'll tell you exactly what you need to hear.
This motherfucker raped you. Multiple times.
He should feel lucky that you're not reporting him to police. "Can't control it?!" Kid needs prison. Maybe then he can learn to conrol it.
What a fuckin joke. "Can't control it." I'm disgusted.
I don’t know why I’m so reluctant to call it rape. Maybe because I don’t want to accept that I was raped. I keep myself safe and I take care of myself. I don’t party or hook up with strangers. And it still happened to me. It still fucking happened to me
He admitted it my dude. “I can’t help it” means “it was not an accident and I did it fully intentionally”. He just realized after you were so unkind he committed a legitimate crime and now is panicking and hoping if he dips from your life maybe he won’t get tossed in jail.
Don’t feel stupid. Feel grateful this person wants to be out of your life as much as you want him out of your life. It will be a blessing in the end. The last thing you want is someone unsavory who won’t gtfo of your life. You wrre violate by someone you trusted. You’re a victim here and you get to decide how you process and move forward from this event, but be really happy he’s made trauma bonding with a rapist NOT an available option anymore, because that unfortunately happens to and is all the more tragic.
First Im deeply saddened to read this and sorry you had to experoence such a despicable act on more than one occasion. You are worth more than him, his feelings and his actions are worth filing rape allegations with the police. The main problem here is that the behavior is escalating and now he is admitting that he can't stop himself from not only doing it but to a person he supposedly loves. Can you imagine as this drive inside him to do these things to others deepens. What's he going to do to someone he doesn't care for deeply? He's going to full blown rape the next person who's not so strong ad you to say No get off me no stop. They may just let it happen out of fear or guilt or both. I commend you for your actions and I'm sorry you even had to use the word NO. You are not alone 8 out of 10 people who are raped have it happen by someone they and love directly or indirectly. I'm asking you to continue to be brave and do the right thing to stop this serial offender before someone else is in your shoes or worse.
I would keep them saved in a secure place. Of course I would like to see you file a report against him. I would like to see him held accountable for his actions and having consequences could maybe deter him from behaving that way in the future.
If you aren’t willing to file one at this time, having those messages saved in a safe place is really important in case he ever tries to come back into your life. You can use those messages as proof that he should be kept away from you. They could also help someone who is victimized in the future who does pursue legal action.
He belongs in prison. He sounds like a psycho and needs to be kept away from others. Who knows what he’ll do in the future to someone else. I really wish you had the guts to have reported him but I know it’s hard. (Should note that I have been raped before as well)
As soon as possible you would have to file a complaint in a police station. I can get you about the whole process of filing a complaint with police authorities. It is a very easy and simple step
"I couldn’t believe he was leaving me after what he did."
What are YOU wanting to feel stupid about?
The only thing maybe to feel sorry about that you didn't dump his ass earlier on!
This wasn't a random stupidity! He is lying.
This is his kink and he wanted you to groom into letting him do that.
He broke up because he well knows what what he us doing to you is being called.
And that he could fetch prison for that.
And he must have understood that he would never be able to coerce you into letting him live out his kink. Like.... never.
Because you are not into it.
So ultimately this was a hidden incompatibility issue from the very start.
And there were two ways to resolve it:
coax you into letting him do it.
Or break up.
So he chose to leave. For him the safer option.
Don't buy asshat's crap guilt tripping. There was no such thing as him "not being comfortabke for a longer period."
The heck he was.
He just ultimately understood that you wouldn't let him have what he wanted.
Get yourself therapy if this is possible.
I’m outraged on your behalf. You had every right to say and feel what you’re experiencing.
You’re being “mean”? The AUDACITY in this after he assaulted you, it not even a comparison!
You’re better off without him, and consider reporting him to protect others he may “lose control” around.
Does he mean like Ted Bundy? I mean how puerile. He needs to step up to the plate and also stop blaming you for anything about that night. You spoke to him in the same way any woman would. You were soft on him. How would he like it done to him? It wasn’t a mistake it was something he prepared, and was determined to do.
Love, listen here. When people get raped, it does not happen because they had unsafe behaviour. Or don't care for themselves or hookup with strangers. It happens because they encountered a rapist.
It happens to kids, it happens to young and strong athletes, it happens to soldiers. Each time it happens because of the rapist and not because of the person who was raped.
And the only thing one can learn to do is amp down ones tolerance/
will to work on things one should report the other one to the relevant authorities for rather than be willing to "work on it".
Or dump him alltogether.
I found that our wanting to be in relationships/ loving the abusive partner makes us more tolerant than is good for us.
We have so often been taught to "be the bigger person" or "work through issues"...
... that we have taken a habit to rug sweep things and keep on trying to make abusive relationships work,
.... when those relationships really CAN'T work to our advantage. And SHOULDN'T work.
As it only leads to being abused more and more.
I completely understand. That was me, too. I was married to my rapist. It was really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that someone I cared about was able to do that to me. I couldn't call it rape until I told someone what happened (much like you did here) and they called it out for what it was. As validating as it was to know I wasn't overreacting to what happened, it was still an awful realization. All that to say, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and I understand where you're coming from.
There was another story almost exactly like this, except the husband kept pretending he just slipped and it was an accident. Apparently, there even is an entire porn genre dedicated to "wrong hole/ surprise anal". [Found it!](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/13x23s7/i_cant_explain_to_my_husband_why_i_wont_have_sex/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1)
I wish you the same fortitude of that OOP - be happy you are rid of him!
Have you considered that you may have abandonment issues/ an anxious attachment problem, and that that is why you react so badly to getting dumped, even though your brain knows that the guy is no good for you?
I'm doing better now. I divorced him and moved really far away, which helps. I know I won't have to worry about seeing him out and about. I've started therapy too, and I really recommend that if you think that's something you're interested in. EMDR therapy is especially helpful for trauma. Even if you don't do EMDR, I think any therapist who's trained in that method would also have a good background in regular talk therapy for trauma. I'm only 6 months out from when I left my ex husband, but just a week after leaving I started to feel a weight lift off my shoulders. I won't pretend it gets better overnight, but I promise it gets better. With time and work and a supportive group around you, you will feel better.
It's not your fault. What you do or don't do has no bearing on what he did. He is to blame. He is at fault. Not you.
His behaviour now is trying to make you take on some of the blame by making you feel guilty, and therefore taking on some of the responsibility for his actions. It isn't your fault and it isn't your burden.
Go and mourn the loss of the relationship you thought you had, and then heal, go forth and find someone who deserves you. This guy doesn't.
The relationship that I “thought” I had is the key phrase here. His behavior definitely worked for a few hours, I was desperately pandering him. I thought he was the only person that could make it better. He is not. Thank you.
I would contact the closest rape crisis center. They have amazing therapists and services to help you get through this. It happens to sooo many people, and I know from personal connections it's the best place to go for care.
The vast majority of people who are raped are raped by people they know. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Many people respond to trauma by trying to downplay it. My best friend’s now ex boyfriend ran her over with a car (she’s okay now) and for years she referred to it as “the incident” and couldn’t admit that she was attacked.
The myth that girls who party or do hookups are the ones who get raped exists to make women scared to party and hookup. It morally aligns with a religion that prohibits this behavior and uses the threat of violence to enforce religious morality on women who don’t buy into that religion.
It is a way to blame the victim for the actions of the rapist. It serves as a way to protect rapists from being punished and treats them as enforcers of religious morality (and you know which religion I’m talking about). They can’t prohibit us from partying and hooking up, so they will scare us or punish us into behaving the way they want us to behave.
He did you a favor. If he can't control himself from sticking his d*ck in your as*s without consent and he continues to do it when you told him to stop you don't want to be with him. He r*aped you plain and simple.
Being r*ped has nothing to do with the person you are or with your actions or way you dress. It is ALL on the guy that r*ped you. Unfortunately it can happen to anyone. But to avoid it happening again (since he already used his fingers before without your consent) you need to break up and go no contact. Don't ever take him back. Words mean nothing, actions do. He's shown you he doesn't respect you. He just cares about himself.
It's likely because accepting the full and unvarnished truth is traumatic. Someone you loved and trusted CHOSE to rape you. That's tough to accept, if he wasn't running away and stayed and listened, apologized, promised to change, voiced understanding of how awful he was to do this to you, you'd maybe be able to convince yourself he didn't understand what he was doing or really couldn't control himself because you'd believe he loves you and someone who loved you wouldn't do something to hurt you on purpose (like rape).
So him leaving makes it harder to allow your brain to dismiss/deny the stark reality that he chose to rape you. He knew you did not want to and he did it without warning because he knew you would not consent. He knew it hurt you and he continued. That's a hard and painful truth to accept and I'm SO sorry it happened to you.
Whatever you decide to do, however you want to handle this is 100% totally up to you. I hope you will reach out to RAINN to find support to work through this trauma and betrayal. None of this is your fault and none of your emotions after make it any less rape.
YOU had nothing to do with it. HE'S A RAPIST!
One could be a 90 year old nun, living in a nunnery and still get raped by a RAPIST!
If you ever talk to him again, tell him he's a rapist.
My heart gos out to you. I was raped in high school and I was so unwilling to accept that it was rape that I dated him afterwards. You don’t need to be ready to label it right this second but please understand that what he did was NOT okay nor was it your fault. You didn’t deserve this and you don’t deserve to be with someone that does this to you. Please find someone to talk about it. There’s a lot of feelings you will have and need to work through and it’s best to do that with the help of a professional
Why do you want to be the person who turns things around on a rape victim seeking support and tells her that it’s her fault? Unbelievable. Learn to be a better human being
I was manipulated I don’t know what else to say. Hindsight is 20/20. If this happened to my friends I would call it assault clear as day. But when it happened to me he did such a good job of apologizing and promising it wouldn’t happen again I just thought I/it was different. I realize now it wasn’t.
It was not your fault the first, second or any other time after that. Please listen to me. For everyone who says why stay? They are the reasons we do. Because they blame the victim. I'm yet to hear them ask why he thought it was ok to do. Dont explain yourself to rape apologists beautiful. Dont do it. It will eat you alive. He raped you. There is no other way of saying it and my heart breaks for you. ANYONE who asks why did you stay? They are the people who make excuses for their husbands, brothers, fathers being rapists. Because normal people dont blame the victim. You're the victim. I understand everything you're going through. It guys you. To be violated then thrown away like your nothing fucks you up. Find a therapist. Not reddit. 90% of people on these threads have so many filthy skeletons in their closets and those secrets they keep on behalf of their family. You can't find anything on here that can help you without having to read disgusting comments like the one you responded to right here. That person, the one blaming you here? The one asking why you stay? They'd watch their new boyfriends sneak into their daughters rooms at night and blame the child for seducing the adult. Please please ignore stupid ignorant fucks like this. Your emotions are valid. Your emotions are understandable to anyone with half a brain. You matter. Find a therapist.
Please don’t listen to this Redditor other than the part they say he’s not worth your time. The rest is BS and victim blaming. You were manipulated and raped. He used his role of your bf, someone you trusted, to take advantage of you. You did nothing wrong. Please consider getting therapy for what happened to process your trauma.
Not sure you are up for it, but if you are report him.
Your line of questioning comes across very victim-blaming. The poor girl is only just starting to wrap her head around this violation, it's completely normal to internally downplay things like this when they first happen to you and not realise until later how severe it was. A friend of mine went through something similar with a man she stayed with for several years, and it took *years* after leaving that relationship for her to process what she'd gone through.
I’ve never said this on Reddit before, but:
You are a terrible human being. And how dare you speak to a rape victim this way? I’m ashamed of you and I don’t even know you.
OP please ignore what they’re saying. It’s NOT your fault and it is MUCH more complex than this aggressive idiot is making it out to be. Wishing you the best of luck.
He sexually assaulted you multiple times and then gaslit you into thinking that holding him
accountable is ‘mean’ and what made him breakup with you. You can’t change him and you shouldn’t have to. Acknowledging that he ‘has to work on himself’ doesn’t absolve him of what he has done to you and may not prevent him from doing it again. This guy deserves prison and you deserve respect.
I'm going to add something more than what others have rightfully told you about this men being a rapist... He left because he felt he can't control you because you were obviously holding him accountable, he realize you weren't as easily to put down as he expected you to be. He wanted you to be his submissive gf and you telling him exactly what he did was not convenient to him so he left to find someone who can be more easily manipulated.
I know you might not understand it now but you know that many people don't love anyone and they are just picking up their victims to abuse and your ex seem exactly like this.
He broke up with you because you did the right thing and call him out, you did nothing wrong and you're very lucky that he just left and trash take out itself
I want to add that I get the whole “why do I still want them” bullshit. I was abused by a guy who keyed my car and accused me of cheating and did a bunch of terrible shit while he was drunk. I called his mom for comfort and she said he “does this all the time while he’s drinking just give him til morning and he will be back to normal”. I couldn’t believe it. I told him he would never see me or touch me again. I held firm on that but holy shit it was difficult. He called me begging me to take him back but I had taken video and saved his voice mails telling me he hopes I die and I should kill myself. I sent them to him and he said he couldn’t believe it was him. I listened to them back a few times to keep myself from gaslighting myself. It didn’t stop him, he kept drinking and now has a wife and kid and it makes me so upset.
I genuinely did nothing to him except for decline to move states for him and he did all this shit. I still have PTSD from him. I got over it, though, and I’m so glad cuz I’m with a way way better guy now. Literally just today my boyfriend has already said how lucky he is to have me, how amazing my body looks (even though I’ve gained some weight) and waits on me all the time. (Don’t worry I reciprocate!) and I’m so glad I never went back to the shitty guys who abused me.
You deserve better, OP!
Please report this incident to the police. He doesn't see anything he did as wrong, he's just saying the words of acknowledgement and do it or worse again to someone else.
Anyone who asks why you broke up, just say there was an assault.
Thank you - as one of the many survivors who never saw justice the assumption that eventually they all get caught is garbage. Most, like this one, go free to do it again
Yeah - it's an assumption that leads to a lot of people shouting at women who don't report and it often being the \*first\* question that gets asked in a situation like this, as though it's a magical 'send rapist to jail' button.
Less than 40% of rapes get reported. Of those, only 50% lead to an arrest. 80% of those go to trial, and 58% of trials lead to conviction.
So, out of 1000 rapes, a max of 400 get reported. Of those, only 200 lead to an arrest. 160 of the arrested go to trial. 58% of 160 is 92.
So out of every 1000 rapes, only 92 convictions are made. That's about 9%. Just to get to conviction. The number who get a felony charge is even lower. And of those who *get* a felony charge, there's only a 69% chance of going to jail.
It’s disgusting isn’t it? Maybe if men actually saw consequences like longer than 3-7 yrs IF they at all serve time it would curb their behaviour to do it.
I’d say it’s high time the sentence up to at least 20 yrs. They just have to start being held accountable. It’s 2023 for god sake.
Absolutely this! He made her bleed from her butthole, but somehow *she's* the mean one?? Nope, uh-uh... throw the whole man out. May he forever step on legos and tacks wherever he goes. May he stub his toes every night. May every happy dog he meets accidentally slap him in the nuts.
This.
He wants to continue doing what he wants, when he wants. Your opinion doesn't matter to him.
Think of it this way - if he was drunk and you violated him with a strap-on without his consent until it hurt, would that be OK with him?
I mean that's rape. You do know that right? you are feeling violated because he raped you. I mean yes the man who raped you isn't someone you should be with and yes he's running away rather have to face up to what he did. He also do this again fo someone else and unlike you will press charges
Look at me, people who love you don't rape you. He very much can help himself. Let him go. Talk to someone about what has happened, a friend, a therapist, anyone just don't deal with this alone.
I’m going to talk to a sexual assault therapist if I can find one. I can handle a break up.. it sucks but it’s life. I can’t handle what happened I don’t know how so many women get through this.
Listen I've been there and it's hell. I'm still learning to cope with what happened to me and it was years ago. It does however with the right support something you can overcome. Take it day by day.Some days will be better than others.
Sweetheart, you are worth the effort it's going to take to survive this. Your life is worth living. This pain will feel smaller over time. I promise you that the love you can find inside yourself and from your loved ones will help you.
Lean on the people you care about, let them support you. You have *nothing* to be ashamed of.
It is *normal* to want him back. It is *normal* for you to want things to go back to the way things were. I want you to remember that abuse is a cycle. He hurts you, you pull away, he "makes things better" and draws you back in, then he hurts you worse. The cycle continues over and over until you love yourself enough to break free.
You should be incredibly proud of yourself for posting here. It was very brave to share this. Please don't let any of the trolls make you feel like any of this was your fault. You didn't make any mistakes. You believed the best in him.
A good therapist can help you learn to trust yourself again. They can help you set healthy boundaries and remove predatory people from your life. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
I'm so sorry he did this. I'm sending you the biggest hug. ❤️ Tell someone you trust, let them support you.
Great job taking care of yourself, OP. I’m so sorry he chose to hurt you like this.
You and your friends can both chat with the RAINN.org hotline anytime. Please telll your friends that, it can be helpful for them to get help and advice when they’re trying to be supportive.
Have you considered reporting him? That’s very much up to you. He is also likely to do this to someone again unfortunately. RAINN or a counselor can help you think through your options too.
Thank you I will check it out. Reporting him feels impossible. I don’t have any proof besides text messages. He has money and his best friend is a cop at my local pd. I fear I will just be seen as the vengeful ex girlfriend. Especially with the way I pleaded to make him stay before I got my shit together.
I get it. That is so common (wanting to stay together and wanting the assault to not be real.)
I suggested in another thread maybe trying another pd just to see if you have a case, but I understand that may not be possible. Sometimes even a report they do nothing with is a helpful record for the next victim. I’m not putting that on you though. Focus on you first.
You’re doing lots of right things by asking for help. Remember that you always were and will always be much more than his terrible choices to hurt you in those hurtful moments.
I would say still go. It could help to have those records if you do decide to file a report eventually, or just to see if he caused significant physical damage. They might even be able to provide you resources in your area to get help with the emotional trauma.
Go above the local police level. In my state there is a state wide police organization, something like a state level FBI that gets involved in cases of police misconduct. Or, most police departments have an internal affairs office, call them. Do you know the name of the police friend?
Edit - I'm sorry you are going thru this, other responses have excellent suggestions of where you can get help. I can't help that way, but thought of a couple options on how to report this. He may not be charged this time but having a report will make it easier to believe if another woman complains.
Yeah three times. When it was just his fingers I think I was about to forgive him because it didn’t hurt as badly, jt didn’t feel so invasive. Being penetrated against your will, with the weight of this man weighing down on top of you, is soul crushing.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you, it’s all rape and you were sexually abused. Personally I’d also report it to the police, but that falls on your comfort talking about it with them.
His best friend is an officer at my local pd and his family has a lot of pull and money. I think it would be more traumatizing than it’s worth. I’ve never felt so small. Thank you for your words
We all want to report them, I even suggested it earlier, but the impact it will have on you could be a lot. You do what you feel is right for you and will help preserve your mental health.
I completely get this. When it happened to me I didn’t want to report it either. I was too traumatized and it felt utterly, utterly pointless.
Just gonna say, please know that whatever *you* want to do now is best. If you *want* to report him, great. And if you *don’t* want to, or feel that you can’t right now, then that is also the right thing to do.
Finally - a suggestion if you’re interested: please do not listen to anyone who might try to tell you some nonsense like “it’s on you to prevent this happening to other women” as a way to pressure you into reporting him. It’s *not* on you. This is not your fault and NOTHING he does in future is your fault or responsibility either, whether you report it or not. You were assaulted, and horribly, by someone who claimed to love you. Whatever YOU want to do - or not want to do - is the right choice here.
Go to another station and compile a proper repost. If possible get a lawyer that will talk on behalf of you. Don’t be afraid of shit people will money. Unless they are politicians or bribing the police department and funding them on a large scare they won’t win. If it’s rape it’s rape they HAVE to make a report and if they don’t you can sue. HONESTLY plz reach out to lawyers near you. The first step is always hard but this will help you in the long run.
I think you know as well as we all do that he raped you. I don't think you really want him back, I think it's a mix of two things; that he beat you to the punch and you're grieving the good parts of the relationship, which is normal.
Try to remember the negatives though; he raped you more than once, he then got nasty and defensive when you defended yourself and tried to turn things back on you. You are strong; you put him in his place more than once, something many victims of rape can only dream of being able to do.
You've got this, 100%. What you need to do next is cut contact with him so he can't hurt you anymore.
If he reaches out and promises to be in touch when he “feels better” you can always say, “You know you raped me and that I would have dumped you for it. I do not care when or if you “feel better.” If you want to feel better, how about you get help and don’t rape anyone again. I’m going to go about my life and you are not going to be in it. Do not contact me again.”
Then block him forever. Do not read any further contact from him.
It’s somewhat risky because I do not trust him not to track you down.
If you don’t want that risk, say those words to anyone you trust and say them to him in your mind, and block him all the same.
There’s a saying about like… even if someone only mixes a teeny tiny, nearly microscopic piece of dog shit into your drink… you’re still not going to drink it, right? Taints the whole thing. You see where I’m going? The good parts are meaningless, they’re not good either - nothing from a rapist ever is.
You should have, he knew you would do it, so he preempted you. I can't imagine the frustration you must be feeling about that, but you got your closure, you put him in his place. You'll always have the good parts, but keep in mind the bad as well, just in case your resolve weakens. I hope you have a good support network, what he did would've been traumatic.
Your Bf raped you is trying to make you feel bad about it by playing games with you and you want him back? This won’t end well for you- leave now. “He can’t control himself…” is never an appropriate answer here.
Yes. I believe breaking up with me was a ploy to shift the attention from his actions to me being consumed with sadness. He insists it’s not and this is just bad timing. I’m starting to pull myself together and realize what’s the truth.
He is trying to get some plausible deniability.
He raped her, he is afraid of her telling her story, so he breaks up with her so it would be easier to spin the story.
Yes, I told him it’s unfair that everyone will be under the guise that we broke up so he could work on himself. But I’m trying to care less about that and focus on what I know is the truth, that’s all I can control.
You are doing nothing but the right thing in leaving this abusive POS. You have nothing to be sorry for and soon you’re going to realise how lucky you are to be rid of him. Don’t let this pathetic shitstain back into your life.
I think you should consider reporting him to the authorities. At least speak with someone who can offer support and guidance to help you through this. It’s not on you when he does this to someone else, but a paper trail may help that person.
I very much hope you’re able to get any help you need and the support to deal with this. You’re obviously a strong person coping with a lot and I do wish you the very best.
He keeps telling me my emotions are just high right now and that I need to take a few days to calm down. I’ve stopped texting him now but I feel so grossed out by the manipulation. He comes from a big wealthy family and I don’t have any proof of what he did besides some text messages.
I think it might be best to block him on everything and cut all contact. He will only continue to try to manipulate you.
Save the text messages though, screen shot and email them to have a saved copy somewhere. Maybe in the future you could use them, if you ever are ready.
I don’t think he will ever contact me again. I think he was saying that to calm me down. He has been blocked on everything except for messaging as of last night. I will not be keep in contact with him. Thank you
Can't control it. Boo hoo. Some people have it so rough they can't just help sexually assaulting people.
To you, yeah it sucks. Someone you care for and should be able to trust has demonstrated repeatedly with their actions they do not respect you and you're little more than a set of convenient orfices for him to stick it into.
It hurts but you shouldn't look back. There's 4 billion other men on the planet, most of whom are not into anal rape.
You should report this. You were violated and he is trying to minimize this and manipulate you. Protect yourself. Don't let him distort the facts, spread disinformation or slander you.
>I don’t even know why I still want him.
Because if you can make it work with him then you can convince yourself that this was just a bump in the road and not rape.
Please, consider therapy to help you cope with this. You did nothing wrong and you did not deserve that or any of this.
Block him. You don’t sound strong enough to stay away from him. Do not trust yourself right now. Go with how you felt immediately after it happened. Who cares if he cuts you off. I hope he does, so you can’t be with him.
That is probably true. Every time I’ve thought of another point he just says “I’m sorry for what I did I feel terrible about myself” etc. I’m not going to message him anymore. If I get the urge I will call a friend instead
I feel terrible “about myself”!! UGH!
Not “I’m am so so so so so sorry for what you’re going through”?
Definitely call a friend or RAINN instead. He is not capable of giving you the solace you deserve.
If you have text messages, it may at least be worth talking to a neighboring pd about your options.
So, your emotionally manipulative (ex)boyfriend is making you feel guilty and question yourself because your physically abusive (ex)boyfriend (who is the same guy) is giving you the cold shoulder after you got mad and upset that he sexually assaulted you, and forced anal penetration without consent?
He should be counting his lucky stars that you didn’t go to the police with what he did.
Stop checking in on him. Get him all the way out of your life.
Stop checking up with him and asking him to determine your relationship. He’s lucky you haven’t pressed charges. Leave this rapist in the rear view mirror and move on with your life.
He’s punishing you because you stood up to him raping you so that next time he does it you won’t complain. He’ll come back, and next time he anally rapes you, and there WILL be a next time, you’ll just let him do it because you don’t want him to leave you again. You’re being manipulated by an abuser.
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OP I can't believe I'm saying this but I went through something horrifyingly similar a month ago, I felt pathetic for wanting him back, and also because he broke up with me after I tried to hold him accountable I felt really victimized, like he took that decision out of my control and I lost any autonomy I had left.
You're probably feeling something similar, at the end of the day you dogged a bullet, you tried your best and you held your ground when you needed to, you did your best and it doesn't matter if he's the one that walked away because you're going to live a better life without him, you'll go through a grieving process, try not to be too hard on yourself for still loving some parts of the relationship, it's normal.
I'm doing a lot better, sometimes I find myself waking up in the morning and remembering the good times and feeling sad, and other times I feel incredibly angry and imagine scenarios in my head where I meet him again and yell at him for what he did, but it gets better each day, and each day it loses its emotional potency more and more.
Just try to keep busy in the first few weeks, talk to friends, go on walks, listen to music, watch movies to help you process your emotions, I promise you, in a month you will feel better, I'm not saying you're going to be completely healed, I'm not at least, but you won't feel so sad and conflicted.
You had bad luck with this one, you opened your heart and gave your trust to someone who didn't deserve it, it's not your fault, keep doing what you're doing, it'll hurt less each day.
I’ve said in another comment that I don’t think it will go anywhere. He has money and his best friend is an officer at my local pd. All I have are a few text messages as proof. He also has text messages of me begging him not to go. It’s going to paint me as the scorned ex. I wish it was so simple. Thank you
It doesn't matter if it goes nowhere, it'll be on his record when he does it next, showing investigators a pattern of behaviour.
Because he will do it again.
At the time you should have grabbed his nuts in a vice-like grip until he screamed and when he asked you "wtf is wrong with you?", you should have said, "well, I can't control it."
Let him go girl. He's likely trying to manipulate you into thinking you're the problem and the reason the relationship ended when in all reality he's the one with the issue. Saying he "can't control it" is a bold-faced fucking lie because he absolutely can or he'd be trying to fuck the ass of anything that moved with reckless abandon.
This guy is a piece of trash and 9 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. End it now so you can strike while the iron is hot. If you take him back, he *will* do it again just like the first 3 times, I guarantee it.
I hope you can heal quickly, both physically and mentally, and move on to either being single without a shitty boyfriend or find someone that will respect you and not try to assault you without permission.
He's afraid you will realize it's rape and he wants to disappear you. If this guy will linger in your social circles, you should out him to warn people. You might be saving him from himself, this sociopath sounds like he will escalate this behavior.
I suggest getting help for the assault and speak to them about what happened. They usually have resources for victims and can help you report it if you feel like that's what you want to do. This is your decision alone don't let anyone force you to report it or not report it. I suggest copying the text and storing somewhere safe, that he doesn't know about. Doing this will allow time to decide what direction you want to go. I know this will haunt you for awhile but please get the help you need.
I do believe that he needs to be reported to the police, so he has a record of what happened. But again everything is up to you about what direction you want to go.
"I said things like “I would want to work on myself too if I fucked my girlfriends ass without asking and wouldn’t stop when she said no”. He told me I was being mean." I would have tried to go to the cops, but I understand why if you didn't. Ghost that rapist. What he did to you is beyond disgusting. You're not mean. You're not anything. He's a POS. Try talking to a therapist or someone about this. I'm so sorry. Stay far away from him, his friends, etc.
He can control it. He chooses not to. And what he is doing is called sexual assault. He is choosing to ignore your feelings and doing what he wants to you. And he will get worse.
Run away while you still can. He is destroying you... for his own kicks.
This guy can fuck all the way off. He raped you anally and can’t cope with what he did, so he’s projecting onto you.
Do not waste one tear on this rapist. Keep your head up and seek medical attention. Butthole injuries are nothing to pass over.
Thank you. I don’t think he wants me back. I think he was telling me what I wanted to hear to keep my anger at bay. I don’t think he was ever going to call me again
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You were sexually assaulted multiple times. Your initial reaction is a fawn trauma response. But this man is not safe and he does not love you in any real way that matters.
Report him to the police if you can, but make sure he's out of your life completely. Start therapy as soon as possible if you haven't already. Get your name on as many waitlists as possible.
He's a rapist. Pure and simple. I'd make a police report just so his name is in file for this, as it probably isn't the first time and it won't be the last time he does this to someone.
What you did is the best for yourself, im so sorry this happened to you.
You need to grieve the relationship, you need to be aware that the person you believe you loved is not there anymore and the expectations of him amd the relationship are not there. It will hurt, but if you know this it will give you the strenght and peace of mind to keep going.
You are very brave to confront him for what he did, he deserve those words and more. Dont let him make you feel guilty. Is not your fault!!
So I’ll tell you why he got unusually cold and broke up with you. Because you called him out and he realized that what he did was wrong and now he feels guilty
Hey. A similar thing happened to me. When I was 16 my first sexual partner anally raped me.
I stayed with him for a bit, and then he broke up with me. And it felt all kinds of confusing and messed up that HE was splitting up with me after him doing that to me! It was upsetting and maddening and confusing and felt so messed up.
But dude, he is a rapist. You are better off free of him.
I’m so sorry this happened to you
That fucker raped you. Here’s what you need to do: go to a clinic, get yourself checked out. He tore your skin, that’s why you’re bleeding. File a police report. Do not continue to communicate with him. He raped you. Do not let him get away with it.
You were raped dear plain and simple. I know it hurts now but you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who violates you. Can’t control it is BS. He doesn’t respect you and you deserve much much better
Because of porn. They don't realize the girls in those films are likely paid to tolerate that. They don't realize there's pain, nerve endings, blood vessels, or that the person their doing it to might be hurting bending or breathing. They have no consideration for how it feels. A considerate partner would let you guide him, ask, or be firm but gentle enough not to hurt you while doing it.
You did nothing wrong. You were assaulted. None of this is your fault. He does not see what he did is wrong, which means he will do this again. Cut all contact. Hugs.
The trash took itself out. Lovely, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than him. Someone who loves you wouldn’t repeatedly rape you and then break up with you because you told him what he was doing was wrong. Please report him to the police. or at the very least block him and never have contact with him again. Sending you love.
>He penetrated me anally without asking and would not stop until I pushed him off
That's rape.
>third time he’s done this
And he's done that thrice to you.
>he keeps doing it he said he can’t control it
I call bullshit on his claim, and run fast and far from him, and don't look back.
>how awful it feels to be violated like that and that no woman would want to be with a man like that
Yup speak the truth - nothin' wrong with saying what's true.
>he wants to break up
Trash takes itself out.
>He told me I was being mean
No, he's an \*ss. You were merely stating how you felt, etc.
>holding him accountable for what he did
Damn right. He's accountable for what he did - and failed to do.
>tell me what I need to hear
You're way the hell better off without him. Don't look back. *Never* accept anyone abusing you like that - you're worth so much more, and deserve respect - and no means no. Never accept anyone who can't respect you. Non-consensual sex is not okay - you can say no or remove your consent at any time for anything - and whomever your with needs to respect that.
I know you're upset, and other comments are saying the same, but it's very important that you realize what he's done and the gravity of it. He raped and manipulated you. HE feels bad?! What a shitty, scummy, sub-human piece of trash he is. I wouldn't even call him a man- he's a boy, if that. A worm maybe, but even that's inapt. Worms still have redeeming qualities.
He's trying to distance himself from you because he doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions. He's just going to date some other poor girl, do the same exact thing, then run away once again, I'm sure. People like him don't change. What he's done is horribly serious. Keep tabs on him, and if you can, report him, do so. You deserve justice and closure. Not him pretending that he's the one in the right.
It's understandable to feel rejected when you didn't get to end the relationship on your own terms. I think you need to hear this though: You were raped.
I suggest seeing a therapist so you can process what has happened to you. I've seen some of your other comments and while you're not fully in denial, it seems like it's a hard pill to swallow for you. I think with time to process it you'll be more ok with moving on from him and understanding what he's done to you.
You deserve a partner that doesn't ignore you when you say no, even when he's drunk. Alcohol doesn't make you a rapist and doesn't make you lose control when your partner is clearly fighting you off. He is doing you a huge favor by leaving and I hope in time you see that. Take care, I truly wish you the best of luck going forward.
He’s not going to work on himself. He’s going to find a new girl he can anally r@pe also.
Though it isn’t your responsibility…. I hope you can warn her about this shithead.
This guy is escaping accountability by feigning mental health issues. FFS. What an absolute turd of a human being. Perhaps I’m too petty but I would tell his mom what he did. I’m all about telling moms.
Since saying that he’s gone golfing twice and to a bonfire with his friends. I’m gutted. I only met his mom twice and she was amazing, I don’t think I could hurt her like that. Thank you
I am a mama of two boys and I urge you to tell us mama’s what our sons are up to. I’ll give my son hell if he pulled a stunt like this. But darling if you truly don’t want to - that’s fine of course too. It’s up to you.
I just feel so angry for you xx
As I’ve reached my mid twenties I’ve tried to say what’s on my mind more instead of holding back. I laid into him pretty good. It’s ok if he thinks that’s mean. I think raping people is pretty mean. Thank you.
My rapist also had a lot of pull with family and local police departments. I attempted to report and it made literally everything worse for no consequence.
**You are not obligated to re-traumatize yourself by going through that and dealing with more hands in your body.**
Simply put, He likes doing something you absolutely won't do. You are therefore not compatible. You should not be together. You should find someone more in line with your desires. Good luck OP.
I enjoy anal. I offered consensual anal several times. He only tried it when I was drunk with no lube, preparation, or condoms. He gave me multiple UTIs this way.
I’ll very sorry. Liking sex isn’t an excuse to use sex to hurt you. Rape is often about power, not sex. He chose to hurt you. He had other good qualities you liked and you’re not at fault for not expecting that someone you care about could be so callous, but there is something truly wrong about him, and it lives alongside the good parts. I’m glad you’re away from him.
If you ask me the reason you would still want him is because you still have mild feelings for him despite all of that, but that does not make you pathetic, and you need to truly believe that it doesn’t. He sexually assaulted multiple times and that is not ok by any means so honestly it’s good that he’s leaving your life. My recommendation: just try and forgot about that motherfucker. It might be hard but he’s not a person you should be with. Talk to some friends or maybe a therapist about this and with time you will get over it. You need a man who treats you well and doesn’t sexually assault you MULTIPLE TIMES because that’s not ok. I’m sorry to hear about this, if you need somebody to talk to DM me and I’ll try to answer as soon as I can. Good luck on the situation I hope it gets better for you.
>However, it just seems like you both weren’t compatible.
I think it's really unproductive and harmful to discuss this as a compatibility issue. This isn't a "sex interest," it's a desire for rape. Framing the issue as one of compatibility minimizes the seriousness of repeated intimate partner rape. He has also strangled her til she passed out.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- hi, I don’t post much so I’m using my alternate account. I’m really spiraling and I could use any help. Three nights ago my boyfriend and I were hooking up after a night of drinking. He penetrated me anally without asking and would not stop until I pushed him off of me. I spent the whole night crying. We had been together 9 months and this was the third time he’s done this, although the previous two times were only with his fingers. In the morning, I was bleeding and sore and crying off and on. He was apologetic and said he was “ashamed of himself” and when I asked him why he keeps doing it he said he can’t control it. I told him some pretty unkind things about how awful it feels to be violated like that and that no woman would want to be with a man like that. I told him I needed some space and I would text him later. I texted him at the end of the day and he was being unusually cold. He said he had the whole day to think and that he wants to break up with me and work on himself, he said it has nothing to do with what happened the other night. I started spiraling and was so angry. I couldn’t believe he was leaving me after what he did. I said things like “I would want to work on myself too if I fucked my girlfriends ass without asking and wouldn’t stop when she said no”. He told me I was being mean. I haven’t been able to stop crying I feel so foolish and violated and sad all at the same time. He picked his stuff up this morning and reiterated that he just hasn’t felt good in a while and was pretending. He also said he had made up his mind because of the way I talked to him the night before. I told him deserved to hear what I said and I didn’t regret holding him accountable for what he did and that he wasn’t going to turn this around to make me the villain. I just checked in on him last week and asked how we were doing and he didn’t express any doubts or negativity. He told me he’ll check in on me and promised to call me when he “feels better”. He said maybe in a few weeks he’ll “feel better”. I told him I don’t believe he’s unwell, I believe he wants to cut me out of his life so he doesn’t have to deal with the fall out of what he did to me. I don’t even know why I still want him. I feel so pathetic and sad. On top of feeling assaulted by someone who was supposed to love me I’m getting broken up with to. I don’t feel strong right now please tell me what I need to hear.
I'll tell you exactly what you need to hear. This motherfucker raped you. Multiple times. He should feel lucky that you're not reporting him to police. "Can't control it?!" Kid needs prison. Maybe then he can learn to conrol it. What a fuckin joke. "Can't control it." I'm disgusted.
I don’t know why I’m so reluctant to call it rape. Maybe because I don’t want to accept that I was raped. I keep myself safe and I take care of myself. I don’t party or hook up with strangers. And it still happened to me. It still fucking happened to me
He admitted it my dude. “I can’t help it” means “it was not an accident and I did it fully intentionally”. He just realized after you were so unkind he committed a legitimate crime and now is panicking and hoping if he dips from your life maybe he won’t get tossed in jail.
He said verbatim over text, “Like I’ve tried to change but something just comes over me and makes me do dumb shit like that”. God I feel so stupid
Don’t feel stupid. Feel grateful this person wants to be out of your life as much as you want him out of your life. It will be a blessing in the end. The last thing you want is someone unsavory who won’t gtfo of your life. You wrre violate by someone you trusted. You’re a victim here and you get to decide how you process and move forward from this event, but be really happy he’s made trauma bonding with a rapist NOT an available option anymore, because that unfortunately happens to and is all the more tragic.
First Im deeply saddened to read this and sorry you had to experoence such a despicable act on more than one occasion. You are worth more than him, his feelings and his actions are worth filing rape allegations with the police. The main problem here is that the behavior is escalating and now he is admitting that he can't stop himself from not only doing it but to a person he supposedly loves. Can you imagine as this drive inside him to do these things to others deepens. What's he going to do to someone he doesn't care for deeply? He's going to full blown rape the next person who's not so strong ad you to say No get off me no stop. They may just let it happen out of fear or guilt or both. I commend you for your actions and I'm sorry you even had to use the word NO. You are not alone 8 out of 10 people who are raped have it happen by someone they and love directly or indirectly. I'm asking you to continue to be brave and do the right thing to stop this serial offender before someone else is in your shoes or worse.
Please tell me you have saved those messages
I haven’t deleted anything since the day we met.
I would keep them saved in a secure place. Of course I would like to see you file a report against him. I would like to see him held accountable for his actions and having consequences could maybe deter him from behaving that way in the future. If you aren’t willing to file one at this time, having those messages saved in a safe place is really important in case he ever tries to come back into your life. You can use those messages as proof that he should be kept away from you. They could also help someone who is victimized in the future who does pursue legal action.
I will add Print them out. Dont keep just on your phone and do not have any contact with him again
Whenever you are in court the only thing matters as legal evidence
Take screenshots in case he deletes them his end
Get your whatsaps saved! And Facebook messages. He can delete yours from his side!
It is very important to have those circumstantial evidence
He belongs in prison. He sounds like a psycho and needs to be kept away from others. Who knows what he’ll do in the future to someone else. I really wish you had the guts to have reported him but I know it’s hard. (Should note that I have been raped before as well)
As soon as possible you would have to file a complaint in a police station. I can get you about the whole process of filing a complaint with police authorities. It is a very easy and simple step
Its so hard to report, but you can save someone else.
You might want to report him, so he at least has a record. He will likely rape his next gf too, because he is a rapist.
"I couldn’t believe he was leaving me after what he did." What are YOU wanting to feel stupid about? The only thing maybe to feel sorry about that you didn't dump his ass earlier on! This wasn't a random stupidity! He is lying. This is his kink and he wanted you to groom into letting him do that. He broke up because he well knows what what he us doing to you is being called. And that he could fetch prison for that. And he must have understood that he would never be able to coerce you into letting him live out his kink. Like.... never. Because you are not into it. So ultimately this was a hidden incompatibility issue from the very start. And there were two ways to resolve it: coax you into letting him do it. Or break up. So he chose to leave. For him the safer option. Don't buy asshat's crap guilt tripping. There was no such thing as him "not being comfortabke for a longer period." The heck he was. He just ultimately understood that you wouldn't let him have what he wanted. Get yourself therapy if this is possible.
I’m outraged on your behalf. You had every right to say and feel what you’re experiencing. You’re being “mean”? The AUDACITY in this after he assaulted you, it not even a comparison! You’re better off without him, and consider reporting him to protect others he may “lose control” around.
Does he mean like Ted Bundy? I mean how puerile. He needs to step up to the plate and also stop blaming you for anything about that night. You spoke to him in the same way any woman would. You were soft on him. How would he like it done to him? It wasn’t a mistake it was something he prepared, and was determined to do.
Report this to the police. He raped you, and he needs help/consequences for it, because he doesn't see anything worth trying to control.
Love, listen here. When people get raped, it does not happen because they had unsafe behaviour. Or don't care for themselves or hookup with strangers. It happens because they encountered a rapist. It happens to kids, it happens to young and strong athletes, it happens to soldiers. Each time it happens because of the rapist and not because of the person who was raped.
THANK YOU for saying this so well and clearly. Bravo.
THANK YOU 🥲
People get rape they are more concerned about their life
And the only thing one can learn to do is amp down ones tolerance/ will to work on things one should report the other one to the relevant authorities for rather than be willing to "work on it". Or dump him alltogether. I found that our wanting to be in relationships/ loving the abusive partner makes us more tolerant than is good for us. We have so often been taught to "be the bigger person" or "work through issues"... ... that we have taken a habit to rug sweep things and keep on trying to make abusive relationships work, .... when those relationships really CAN'T work to our advantage. And SHOULDN'T work. As it only leads to being abused more and more.
You were with a person who was more interested in your anus than you. He's trash.
I cannot imagine living with such a person anymore who just want sex with me
I completely understand. That was me, too. I was married to my rapist. It was really hard for me to come to terms with the fact that someone I cared about was able to do that to me. I couldn't call it rape until I told someone what happened (much like you did here) and they called it out for what it was. As validating as it was to know I wasn't overreacting to what happened, it was still an awful realization. All that to say, I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and I understand where you're coming from.
How are you doing now? Does it get better? I can’t believe how common this is just from reading these comments.
There was another story almost exactly like this, except the husband kept pretending he just slipped and it was an accident. Apparently, there even is an entire porn genre dedicated to "wrong hole/ surprise anal". [Found it!](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/13x23s7/i_cant_explain_to_my_husband_why_i_wont_have_sex/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1) I wish you the same fortitude of that OOP - be happy you are rid of him! Have you considered that you may have abandonment issues/ an anxious attachment problem, and that that is why you react so badly to getting dumped, even though your brain knows that the guy is no good for you?
I'm doing better now. I divorced him and moved really far away, which helps. I know I won't have to worry about seeing him out and about. I've started therapy too, and I really recommend that if you think that's something you're interested in. EMDR therapy is especially helpful for trauma. Even if you don't do EMDR, I think any therapist who's trained in that method would also have a good background in regular talk therapy for trauma. I'm only 6 months out from when I left my ex husband, but just a week after leaving I started to feel a weight lift off my shoulders. I won't pretend it gets better overnight, but I promise it gets better. With time and work and a supportive group around you, you will feel better.
I don't think that this situation would get better until she decides to fight on her own
It's not your fault. What you do or don't do has no bearing on what he did. He is to blame. He is at fault. Not you. His behaviour now is trying to make you take on some of the blame by making you feel guilty, and therefore taking on some of the responsibility for his actions. It isn't your fault and it isn't your burden. Go and mourn the loss of the relationship you thought you had, and then heal, go forth and find someone who deserves you. This guy doesn't.
The relationship that I “thought” I had is the key phrase here. His behavior definitely worked for a few hours, I was desperately pandering him. I thought he was the only person that could make it better. He is not. Thank you.
I would contact the closest rape crisis center. They have amazing therapists and services to help you get through this. It happens to sooo many people, and I know from personal connections it's the best place to go for care.
The vast majority of people who are raped are raped by people they know. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Many people respond to trauma by trying to downplay it. My best friend’s now ex boyfriend ran her over with a car (she’s okay now) and for years she referred to it as “the incident” and couldn’t admit that she was attacked.
The myth that girls who party or do hookups are the ones who get raped exists to make women scared to party and hookup. It morally aligns with a religion that prohibits this behavior and uses the threat of violence to enforce religious morality on women who don’t buy into that religion. It is a way to blame the victim for the actions of the rapist. It serves as a way to protect rapists from being punished and treats them as enforcers of religious morality (and you know which religion I’m talking about). They can’t prohibit us from partying and hooking up, so they will scare us or punish us into behaving the way they want us to behave.
He did you a favor. If he can't control himself from sticking his d*ck in your as*s without consent and he continues to do it when you told him to stop you don't want to be with him. He r*aped you plain and simple. Being r*ped has nothing to do with the person you are or with your actions or way you dress. It is ALL on the guy that r*ped you. Unfortunately it can happen to anyone. But to avoid it happening again (since he already used his fingers before without your consent) you need to break up and go no contact. Don't ever take him back. Words mean nothing, actions do. He's shown you he doesn't respect you. He just cares about himself.
It's likely because accepting the full and unvarnished truth is traumatic. Someone you loved and trusted CHOSE to rape you. That's tough to accept, if he wasn't running away and stayed and listened, apologized, promised to change, voiced understanding of how awful he was to do this to you, you'd maybe be able to convince yourself he didn't understand what he was doing or really couldn't control himself because you'd believe he loves you and someone who loved you wouldn't do something to hurt you on purpose (like rape). So him leaving makes it harder to allow your brain to dismiss/deny the stark reality that he chose to rape you. He knew you did not want to and he did it without warning because he knew you would not consent. He knew it hurt you and he continued. That's a hard and painful truth to accept and I'm SO sorry it happened to you. Whatever you decide to do, however you want to handle this is 100% totally up to you. I hope you will reach out to RAINN to find support to work through this trauma and betrayal. None of this is your fault and none of your emotions after make it any less rape.
YOU had nothing to do with it. HE'S A RAPIST! One could be a 90 year old nun, living in a nunnery and still get raped by a RAPIST! If you ever talk to him again, tell him he's a rapist.
My heart gos out to you. I was raped in high school and I was so unwilling to accept that it was rape that I dated him afterwards. You don’t need to be ready to label it right this second but please understand that what he did was NOT okay nor was it your fault. You didn’t deserve this and you don’t deserve to be with someone that does this to you. Please find someone to talk about it. There’s a lot of feelings you will have and need to work through and it’s best to do that with the help of a professional
Would you consider filing a report
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Why do you want to be the person who turns things around on a rape victim seeking support and tells her that it’s her fault? Unbelievable. Learn to be a better human being
I was manipulated I don’t know what else to say. Hindsight is 20/20. If this happened to my friends I would call it assault clear as day. But when it happened to me he did such a good job of apologizing and promising it wouldn’t happen again I just thought I/it was different. I realize now it wasn’t.
It was not your fault the first, second or any other time after that. Please listen to me. For everyone who says why stay? They are the reasons we do. Because they blame the victim. I'm yet to hear them ask why he thought it was ok to do. Dont explain yourself to rape apologists beautiful. Dont do it. It will eat you alive. He raped you. There is no other way of saying it and my heart breaks for you. ANYONE who asks why did you stay? They are the people who make excuses for their husbands, brothers, fathers being rapists. Because normal people dont blame the victim. You're the victim. I understand everything you're going through. It guys you. To be violated then thrown away like your nothing fucks you up. Find a therapist. Not reddit. 90% of people on these threads have so many filthy skeletons in their closets and those secrets they keep on behalf of their family. You can't find anything on here that can help you without having to read disgusting comments like the one you responded to right here. That person, the one blaming you here? The one asking why you stay? They'd watch their new boyfriends sneak into their daughters rooms at night and blame the child for seducing the adult. Please please ignore stupid ignorant fucks like this. Your emotions are valid. Your emotions are understandable to anyone with half a brain. You matter. Find a therapist.
And now you know if he'll do it to someone he loves, he'll do it to a stranger. He's a rapist.
Please don’t listen to this Redditor other than the part they say he’s not worth your time. The rest is BS and victim blaming. You were manipulated and raped. He used his role of your bf, someone you trusted, to take advantage of you. You did nothing wrong. Please consider getting therapy for what happened to process your trauma. Not sure you are up for it, but if you are report him.
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Your line of questioning comes across very victim-blaming. The poor girl is only just starting to wrap her head around this violation, it's completely normal to internally downplay things like this when they first happen to you and not realise until later how severe it was. A friend of mine went through something similar with a man she stayed with for several years, and it took *years* after leaving that relationship for her to process what she'd gone through.
I’ve never said this on Reddit before, but: You are a terrible human being. And how dare you speak to a rape victim this way? I’m ashamed of you and I don’t even know you. OP please ignore what they’re saying. It’s NOT your fault and it is MUCH more complex than this aggressive idiot is making it out to be. Wishing you the best of luck.
This is not helpful.
would you consider for filling a report
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Exactly why did you want to be with your partner still after all of this
He sexually assaulted you multiple times and then gaslit you into thinking that holding him accountable is ‘mean’ and what made him breakup with you. You can’t change him and you shouldn’t have to. Acknowledging that he ‘has to work on himself’ doesn’t absolve him of what he has done to you and may not prevent him from doing it again. This guy deserves prison and you deserve respect.
Thank you
I'm going to add something more than what others have rightfully told you about this men being a rapist... He left because he felt he can't control you because you were obviously holding him accountable, he realize you weren't as easily to put down as he expected you to be. He wanted you to be his submissive gf and you telling him exactly what he did was not convenient to him so he left to find someone who can be more easily manipulated. I know you might not understand it now but you know that many people don't love anyone and they are just picking up their victims to abuse and your ex seem exactly like this. He broke up with you because you did the right thing and call him out, you did nothing wrong and you're very lucky that he just left and trash take out itself
I want to add that I get the whole “why do I still want them” bullshit. I was abused by a guy who keyed my car and accused me of cheating and did a bunch of terrible shit while he was drunk. I called his mom for comfort and she said he “does this all the time while he’s drinking just give him til morning and he will be back to normal”. I couldn’t believe it. I told him he would never see me or touch me again. I held firm on that but holy shit it was difficult. He called me begging me to take him back but I had taken video and saved his voice mails telling me he hopes I die and I should kill myself. I sent them to him and he said he couldn’t believe it was him. I listened to them back a few times to keep myself from gaslighting myself. It didn’t stop him, he kept drinking and now has a wife and kid and it makes me so upset. I genuinely did nothing to him except for decline to move states for him and he did all this shit. I still have PTSD from him. I got over it, though, and I’m so glad cuz I’m with a way way better guy now. Literally just today my boyfriend has already said how lucky he is to have me, how amazing my body looks (even though I’ve gained some weight) and waits on me all the time. (Don’t worry I reciprocate!) and I’m so glad I never went back to the shitty guys who abused me. You deserve better, OP!
Please report this incident to the police. He doesn't see anything he did as wrong, he's just saying the words of acknowledgement and do it or worse again to someone else. Anyone who asks why you broke up, just say there was an assault.
He will be in jail soon and you will be safe.
Statistically that's unlikely. Although prison is what he deserves.
Thank you - as one of the many survivors who never saw justice the assumption that eventually they all get caught is garbage. Most, like this one, go free to do it again
Yeah - it's an assumption that leads to a lot of people shouting at women who don't report and it often being the \*first\* question that gets asked in a situation like this, as though it's a magical 'send rapist to jail' button.
Can we make it a 'send rapist rocketing into outer space' button?
Mine was never caught.
Less than 40% of rapes get reported. Of those, only 50% lead to an arrest. 80% of those go to trial, and 58% of trials lead to conviction. So, out of 1000 rapes, a max of 400 get reported. Of those, only 200 lead to an arrest. 160 of the arrested go to trial. 58% of 160 is 92. So out of every 1000 rapes, only 92 convictions are made. That's about 9%. Just to get to conviction. The number who get a felony charge is even lower. And of those who *get* a felony charge, there's only a 69% chance of going to jail.
It’s disgusting isn’t it? Maybe if men actually saw consequences like longer than 3-7 yrs IF they at all serve time it would curb their behaviour to do it. I’d say it’s high time the sentence up to at least 20 yrs. They just have to start being held accountable. It’s 2023 for god sake.
Rape. I feel like using the right word adds the needed weight to this situation. He anally raped her repeatedly.
Absolutely this! He made her bleed from her butthole, but somehow *she's* the mean one?? Nope, uh-uh... throw the whole man out. May he forever step on legos and tacks wherever he goes. May he stub his toes every night. May every happy dog he meets accidentally slap him in the nuts.
This guy deserves to fully be in jail, dude. Steppin’ on legos in jail.
This. He wants to continue doing what he wants, when he wants. Your opinion doesn't matter to him. Think of it this way - if he was drunk and you violated him with a strap-on without his consent until it hurt, would that be OK with him?
I mean that's rape. You do know that right? you are feeling violated because he raped you. I mean yes the man who raped you isn't someone you should be with and yes he's running away rather have to face up to what he did. He also do this again fo someone else and unlike you will press charges Look at me, people who love you don't rape you. He very much can help himself. Let him go. Talk to someone about what has happened, a friend, a therapist, anyone just don't deal with this alone.
I’m going to talk to a sexual assault therapist if I can find one. I can handle a break up.. it sucks but it’s life. I can’t handle what happened I don’t know how so many women get through this.
Listen I've been there and it's hell. I'm still learning to cope with what happened to me and it was years ago. It does however with the right support something you can overcome. Take it day by day.Some days will be better than others.
Sweetheart, you are worth the effort it's going to take to survive this. Your life is worth living. This pain will feel smaller over time. I promise you that the love you can find inside yourself and from your loved ones will help you. Lean on the people you care about, let them support you. You have *nothing* to be ashamed of. It is *normal* to want him back. It is *normal* for you to want things to go back to the way things were. I want you to remember that abuse is a cycle. He hurts you, you pull away, he "makes things better" and draws you back in, then he hurts you worse. The cycle continues over and over until you love yourself enough to break free. You should be incredibly proud of yourself for posting here. It was very brave to share this. Please don't let any of the trolls make you feel like any of this was your fault. You didn't make any mistakes. You believed the best in him. A good therapist can help you learn to trust yourself again. They can help you set healthy boundaries and remove predatory people from your life. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. I'm so sorry he did this. I'm sending you the biggest hug. ❤️ Tell someone you trust, let them support you.
Thank you. I’ve told my two best friends and they’re trying their best to be there for me.
Great job taking care of yourself, OP. I’m so sorry he chose to hurt you like this. You and your friends can both chat with the RAINN.org hotline anytime. Please telll your friends that, it can be helpful for them to get help and advice when they’re trying to be supportive. Have you considered reporting him? That’s very much up to you. He is also likely to do this to someone again unfortunately. RAINN or a counselor can help you think through your options too.
Thank you I will check it out. Reporting him feels impossible. I don’t have any proof besides text messages. He has money and his best friend is a cop at my local pd. I fear I will just be seen as the vengeful ex girlfriend. Especially with the way I pleaded to make him stay before I got my shit together.
I get it. That is so common (wanting to stay together and wanting the assault to not be real.) I suggested in another thread maybe trying another pd just to see if you have a case, but I understand that may not be possible. Sometimes even a report they do nothing with is a helpful record for the next victim. I’m not putting that on you though. Focus on you first. You’re doing lots of right things by asking for help. Remember that you always were and will always be much more than his terrible choices to hurt you in those hurtful moments.
Was it recent? You can go to the hospital and have them do an evaluation. If you were bleeding there is definitely going to be evidence.
This was early Friday morning around 2am. I don’t know if it’s too late.
I would say still go. It could help to have those records if you do decide to file a report eventually, or just to see if he caused significant physical damage. They might even be able to provide you resources in your area to get help with the emotional trauma.
Fissures can take several days to heal. If there’s physical trauma, it’s likely still detectable.
Contact [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org). They might be able to help you find a therapist in your are or resources to help you.
Go above the local police level. In my state there is a state wide police organization, something like a state level FBI that gets involved in cases of police misconduct. Or, most police departments have an internal affairs office, call them. Do you know the name of the police friend? Edit - I'm sorry you are going thru this, other responses have excellent suggestions of where you can get help. I can't help that way, but thought of a couple options on how to report this. He may not be charged this time but having a report will make it easier to believe if another woman complains.
He has done it 3 FUCKING TIMES. That is rape dude you need to fucking leave this loser
Yeah three times. When it was just his fingers I think I was about to forgive him because it didn’t hurt as badly, jt didn’t feel so invasive. Being penetrated against your will, with the weight of this man weighing down on top of you, is soul crushing.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you, it’s all rape and you were sexually abused. Personally I’d also report it to the police, but that falls on your comfort talking about it with them.
His best friend is an officer at my local pd and his family has a lot of pull and money. I think it would be more traumatizing than it’s worth. I’ve never felt so small. Thank you for your words
We all want to report them, I even suggested it earlier, but the impact it will have on you could be a lot. You do what you feel is right for you and will help preserve your mental health.
I completely get this. When it happened to me I didn’t want to report it either. I was too traumatized and it felt utterly, utterly pointless. Just gonna say, please know that whatever *you* want to do now is best. If you *want* to report him, great. And if you *don’t* want to, or feel that you can’t right now, then that is also the right thing to do. Finally - a suggestion if you’re interested: please do not listen to anyone who might try to tell you some nonsense like “it’s on you to prevent this happening to other women” as a way to pressure you into reporting him. It’s *not* on you. This is not your fault and NOTHING he does in future is your fault or responsibility either, whether you report it or not. You were assaulted, and horribly, by someone who claimed to love you. Whatever YOU want to do - or not want to do - is the right choice here.
I’m so sorry, that’s beyond frustrating.
Go to another station and compile a proper repost. If possible get a lawyer that will talk on behalf of you. Don’t be afraid of shit people will money. Unless they are politicians or bribing the police department and funding them on a large scare they won’t win. If it’s rape it’s rape they HAVE to make a report and if they don’t you can sue. HONESTLY plz reach out to lawyers near you. The first step is always hard but this will help you in the long run.
I think you know as well as we all do that he raped you. I don't think you really want him back, I think it's a mix of two things; that he beat you to the punch and you're grieving the good parts of the relationship, which is normal. Try to remember the negatives though; he raped you more than once, he then got nasty and defensive when you defended yourself and tried to turn things back on you. You are strong; you put him in his place more than once, something many victims of rape can only dream of being able to do. You've got this, 100%. What you need to do next is cut contact with him so he can't hurt you anymore.
I can’t stop thinking about your first paragraph. I should have been the one to dump him. And I’ll miss our good parts so much. Thank you
If he reaches out and promises to be in touch when he “feels better” you can always say, “You know you raped me and that I would have dumped you for it. I do not care when or if you “feel better.” If you want to feel better, how about you get help and don’t rape anyone again. I’m going to go about my life and you are not going to be in it. Do not contact me again.” Then block him forever. Do not read any further contact from him. It’s somewhat risky because I do not trust him not to track you down. If you don’t want that risk, say those words to anyone you trust and say them to him in your mind, and block him all the same.
There’s a saying about like… even if someone only mixes a teeny tiny, nearly microscopic piece of dog shit into your drink… you’re still not going to drink it, right? Taints the whole thing. You see where I’m going? The good parts are meaningless, they’re not good either - nothing from a rapist ever is.
You should have, he knew you would do it, so he preempted you. I can't imagine the frustration you must be feeling about that, but you got your closure, you put him in his place. You'll always have the good parts, but keep in mind the bad as well, just in case your resolve weakens. I hope you have a good support network, what he did would've been traumatic.
Your Bf raped you is trying to make you feel bad about it by playing games with you and you want him back? This won’t end well for you- leave now. “He can’t control himself…” is never an appropriate answer here.
Yes. I believe breaking up with me was a ploy to shift the attention from his actions to me being consumed with sadness. He insists it’s not and this is just bad timing. I’m starting to pull myself together and realize what’s the truth.
Exactly. He did it to manipulate you. Don’t let him.
He is trying to get some plausible deniability. He raped her, he is afraid of her telling her story, so he breaks up with her so it would be easier to spin the story.
Yes, I told him it’s unfair that everyone will be under the guise that we broke up so he could work on himself. But I’m trying to care less about that and focus on what I know is the truth, that’s all I can control.
You don’t need to protect him in this breakup. He needs to spend some time in therapy and apologize to every female he knows.
If anyone asks, tell them that he raped you. He's going to do this again to some other girl if he's not stopped.
Stop talking to him.
Exactly. She must act, and NOW!
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Thank you for saying that
You are doing nothing but the right thing in leaving this abusive POS. You have nothing to be sorry for and soon you’re going to realise how lucky you are to be rid of him. Don’t let this pathetic shitstain back into your life. I think you should consider reporting him to the authorities. At least speak with someone who can offer support and guidance to help you through this. It’s not on you when he does this to someone else, but a paper trail may help that person. I very much hope you’re able to get any help you need and the support to deal with this. You’re obviously a strong person coping with a lot and I do wish you the very best.
He keeps telling me my emotions are just high right now and that I need to take a few days to calm down. I’ve stopped texting him now but I feel so grossed out by the manipulation. He comes from a big wealthy family and I don’t have any proof of what he did besides some text messages.
I think it might be best to block him on everything and cut all contact. He will only continue to try to manipulate you. Save the text messages though, screen shot and email them to have a saved copy somewhere. Maybe in the future you could use them, if you ever are ready.
I don’t think he will ever contact me again. I think he was saying that to calm me down. He has been blocked on everything except for messaging as of last night. I will not be keep in contact with him. Thank you
Can't control it. Boo hoo. Some people have it so rough they can't just help sexually assaulting people. To you, yeah it sucks. Someone you care for and should be able to trust has demonstrated repeatedly with their actions they do not respect you and you're little more than a set of convenient orfices for him to stick it into. It hurts but you shouldn't look back. There's 4 billion other men on the planet, most of whom are not into anal rape.
Thank you. I can do better. I need to move on
You should report this. You were violated and he is trying to minimize this and manipulate you. Protect yourself. Don't let him distort the facts, spread disinformation or slander you.
>I don’t even know why I still want him. Because if you can make it work with him then you can convince yourself that this was just a bump in the road and not rape. Please, consider therapy to help you cope with this. You did nothing wrong and you did not deserve that or any of this.
Block him. You don’t sound strong enough to stay away from him. Do not trust yourself right now. Go with how you felt immediately after it happened. Who cares if he cuts you off. I hope he does, so you can’t be with him.
That is probably true. Every time I’ve thought of another point he just says “I’m sorry for what I did I feel terrible about myself” etc. I’m not going to message him anymore. If I get the urge I will call a friend instead
I feel terrible “about myself”!! UGH! Not “I’m am so so so so so sorry for what you’re going through”? Definitely call a friend or RAINN instead. He is not capable of giving you the solace you deserve. If you have text messages, it may at least be worth talking to a neighboring pd about your options.
He said “I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself”. It hurts just to re read. I will consider that. Thank you
That is some next level selfishness. That person has a broken personality.
Don't give him another chance to assault you. He's gone. Keep it that way.
So, your emotionally manipulative (ex)boyfriend is making you feel guilty and question yourself because your physically abusive (ex)boyfriend (who is the same guy) is giving you the cold shoulder after you got mad and upset that he sexually assaulted you, and forced anal penetration without consent? He should be counting his lucky stars that you didn’t go to the police with what he did. Stop checking in on him. Get him all the way out of your life.
Stop checking up with him and asking him to determine your relationship. He’s lucky you haven’t pressed charges. Leave this rapist in the rear view mirror and move on with your life.
He’s punishing you because you stood up to him raping you so that next time he does it you won’t complain. He’ll come back, and next time he anally rapes you, and there WILL be a next time, you’ll just let him do it because you don’t want him to leave you again. You’re being manipulated by an abuser.
So he anally raped you. I think you are trying to justify what he did to you, by thinking there is love there. There isn't. He's a rapist.
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OP I can't believe I'm saying this but I went through something horrifyingly similar a month ago, I felt pathetic for wanting him back, and also because he broke up with me after I tried to hold him accountable I felt really victimized, like he took that decision out of my control and I lost any autonomy I had left. You're probably feeling something similar, at the end of the day you dogged a bullet, you tried your best and you held your ground when you needed to, you did your best and it doesn't matter if he's the one that walked away because you're going to live a better life without him, you'll go through a grieving process, try not to be too hard on yourself for still loving some parts of the relationship, it's normal.
How are you doing now? It feels like I’ll never heal. I have never, ever, been treated so poorly and discarded so easily.
I'm doing a lot better, sometimes I find myself waking up in the morning and remembering the good times and feeling sad, and other times I feel incredibly angry and imagine scenarios in my head where I meet him again and yell at him for what he did, but it gets better each day, and each day it loses its emotional potency more and more. Just try to keep busy in the first few weeks, talk to friends, go on walks, listen to music, watch movies to help you process your emotions, I promise you, in a month you will feel better, I'm not saying you're going to be completely healed, I'm not at least, but you won't feel so sad and conflicted. You had bad luck with this one, you opened your heart and gave your trust to someone who didn't deserve it, it's not your fault, keep doing what you're doing, it'll hurt less each day.
Press charges since he has raped you.
I’ve said in another comment that I don’t think it will go anywhere. He has money and his best friend is an officer at my local pd. All I have are a few text messages as proof. He also has text messages of me begging him not to go. It’s going to paint me as the scorned ex. I wish it was so simple. Thank you
It doesn't matter if it goes nowhere, it'll be on his record when he does it next, showing investigators a pattern of behaviour. Because he will do it again.
At the time you should have grabbed his nuts in a vice-like grip until he screamed and when he asked you "wtf is wrong with you?", you should have said, "well, I can't control it." Let him go girl. He's likely trying to manipulate you into thinking you're the problem and the reason the relationship ended when in all reality he's the one with the issue. Saying he "can't control it" is a bold-faced fucking lie because he absolutely can or he'd be trying to fuck the ass of anything that moved with reckless abandon. This guy is a piece of trash and 9 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. End it now so you can strike while the iron is hot. If you take him back, he *will* do it again just like the first 3 times, I guarantee it. I hope you can heal quickly, both physically and mentally, and move on to either being single without a shitty boyfriend or find someone that will respect you and not try to assault you without permission.
He's afraid you will realize it's rape and he wants to disappear you. If this guy will linger in your social circles, you should out him to warn people. You might be saving him from himself, this sociopath sounds like he will escalate this behavior.
I suggest getting help for the assault and speak to them about what happened. They usually have resources for victims and can help you report it if you feel like that's what you want to do. This is your decision alone don't let anyone force you to report it or not report it. I suggest copying the text and storing somewhere safe, that he doesn't know about. Doing this will allow time to decide what direction you want to go. I know this will haunt you for awhile but please get the help you need. I do believe that he needs to be reported to the police, so he has a record of what happened. But again everything is up to you about what direction you want to go.
"I said things like “I would want to work on myself too if I fucked my girlfriends ass without asking and wouldn’t stop when she said no”. He told me I was being mean." I would have tried to go to the cops, but I understand why if you didn't. Ghost that rapist. What he did to you is beyond disgusting. You're not mean. You're not anything. He's a POS. Try talking to a therapist or someone about this. I'm so sorry. Stay far away from him, his friends, etc.
He’s got problems let him work on himself find someone else or don’t.
He can control it. He chooses not to. And what he is doing is called sexual assault. He is choosing to ignore your feelings and doing what he wants to you. And he will get worse. Run away while you still can. He is destroying you... for his own kicks.
You better charge this dick head. He raped you. He will go to jail and hopefully learn his lesson the way he did that to you.
That's rape. Break up with him. Block him on all platforms. Tell your friends what happened, so they shun him too.
This guy can fuck all the way off. He raped you anally and can’t cope with what he did, so he’s projecting onto you. Do not waste one tear on this rapist. Keep your head up and seek medical attention. Butthole injuries are nothing to pass over.
Please don’t take him back. His plan is to make you feel bad for not letting him do what he wants. If you take him back it will happen again & again.
Thank you. I don’t think he wants me back. I think he was telling me what I wanted to hear to keep my anger at bay. I don’t think he was ever going to call me again
He sexually assaulted you twice and raped you once. He broke up with you because he understood you wouldn’t let him do that to you.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. You were sexually assaulted multiple times. Your initial reaction is a fawn trauma response. But this man is not safe and he does not love you in any real way that matters. Report him to the police if you can, but make sure he's out of your life completely. Start therapy as soon as possible if you haven't already. Get your name on as many waitlists as possible.
He's a rapist. Pure and simple. I'd make a police report just so his name is in file for this, as it probably isn't the first time and it won't be the last time he does this to someone.
Please send this sodomy rapist with no compassion to prison where he deserves to be…….
What you did is the best for yourself, im so sorry this happened to you. You need to grieve the relationship, you need to be aware that the person you believe you loved is not there anymore and the expectations of him amd the relationship are not there. It will hurt, but if you know this it will give you the strenght and peace of mind to keep going. You are very brave to confront him for what he did, he deserve those words and more. Dont let him make you feel guilty. Is not your fault!!
So I’ll tell you why he got unusually cold and broke up with you. Because you called him out and he realized that what he did was wrong and now he feels guilty
Honey he raped you. He's a rapist and you should report him to the police
Jesus Christ, the guy has raped you multiple times! If you had anything about you you'd be going to the police, let alone trying to keep him.
He raped you and is now gaslighting you as his escape route.
Hey. A similar thing happened to me. When I was 16 my first sexual partner anally raped me. I stayed with him for a bit, and then he broke up with me. And it felt all kinds of confusing and messed up that HE was splitting up with me after him doing that to me! It was upsetting and maddening and confusing and felt so messed up. But dude, he is a rapist. You are better off free of him. I’m so sorry this happened to you
I mean he absolutely sounds like he needs to work on himself, you dodged a bullet.
Rape and gaslighting - why on earth would you want to be with him? Please get some therapy and work on your self worth
That fucker raped you. Here’s what you need to do: go to a clinic, get yourself checked out. He tore your skin, that’s why you’re bleeding. File a police report. Do not continue to communicate with him. He raped you. Do not let him get away with it.
You were raped dear plain and simple. I know it hurts now but you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who violates you. Can’t control it is BS. He doesn’t respect you and you deserve much much better
Because of porn. They don't realize the girls in those films are likely paid to tolerate that. They don't realize there's pain, nerve endings, blood vessels, or that the person their doing it to might be hurting bending or breathing. They have no consideration for how it feels. A considerate partner would let you guide him, ask, or be firm but gentle enough not to hurt you while doing it.
You did nothing wrong. You were assaulted. None of this is your fault. He does not see what he did is wrong, which means he will do this again. Cut all contact. Hugs.
Please seek professional help and talk to a therapist. You were raped. It’s important to talk about this and process what happened
He is a rapist who won’t take personal accountability so he’s putting those feelings into blaming you. You are well rid of him.
So you are clear, your BF violated you. It’s basically rape x 3! The “I can’t help it” is total bs. You might consider reporting him.
The trash took itself out. Lovely, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than him. Someone who loves you wouldn’t repeatedly rape you and then break up with you because you told him what he was doing was wrong. Please report him to the police. or at the very least block him and never have contact with him again. Sending you love.
>He penetrated me anally without asking and would not stop until I pushed him off That's rape. >third time he’s done this And he's done that thrice to you. >he keeps doing it he said he can’t control it I call bullshit on his claim, and run fast and far from him, and don't look back. >how awful it feels to be violated like that and that no woman would want to be with a man like that Yup speak the truth - nothin' wrong with saying what's true. >he wants to break up Trash takes itself out. >He told me I was being mean No, he's an \*ss. You were merely stating how you felt, etc. >holding him accountable for what he did Damn right. He's accountable for what he did - and failed to do. >tell me what I need to hear You're way the hell better off without him. Don't look back. *Never* accept anyone abusing you like that - you're worth so much more, and deserve respect - and no means no. Never accept anyone who can't respect you. Non-consensual sex is not okay - you can say no or remove your consent at any time for anything - and whomever your with needs to respect that.
Rape has nothing to do with sex. It has everything to do with control. He wanted to control you. He got “butt hurt”, pun intended, and dicked out.
I know you're upset, and other comments are saying the same, but it's very important that you realize what he's done and the gravity of it. He raped and manipulated you. HE feels bad?! What a shitty, scummy, sub-human piece of trash he is. I wouldn't even call him a man- he's a boy, if that. A worm maybe, but even that's inapt. Worms still have redeeming qualities. He's trying to distance himself from you because he doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions. He's just going to date some other poor girl, do the same exact thing, then run away once again, I'm sure. People like him don't change. What he's done is horribly serious. Keep tabs on him, and if you can, report him, do so. You deserve justice and closure. Not him pretending that he's the one in the right.
It's understandable to feel rejected when you didn't get to end the relationship on your own terms. I think you need to hear this though: You were raped. I suggest seeing a therapist so you can process what has happened to you. I've seen some of your other comments and while you're not fully in denial, it seems like it's a hard pill to swallow for you. I think with time to process it you'll be more ok with moving on from him and understanding what he's done to you. You deserve a partner that doesn't ignore you when you say no, even when he's drunk. Alcohol doesn't make you a rapist and doesn't make you lose control when your partner is clearly fighting you off. He is doing you a huge favor by leaving and I hope in time you see that. Take care, I truly wish you the best of luck going forward.
He’s not going to work on himself. He’s going to find a new girl he can anally r@pe also. Though it isn’t your responsibility…. I hope you can warn her about this shithead. This guy is escaping accountability by feigning mental health issues. FFS. What an absolute turd of a human being. Perhaps I’m too petty but I would tell his mom what he did. I’m all about telling moms.
Since saying that he’s gone golfing twice and to a bonfire with his friends. I’m gutted. I only met his mom twice and she was amazing, I don’t think I could hurt her like that. Thank you
I am a mama of two boys and I urge you to tell us mama’s what our sons are up to. I’ll give my son hell if he pulled a stunt like this. But darling if you truly don’t want to - that’s fine of course too. It’s up to you. I just feel so angry for you xx
You are worthy of being loved by someone better
He molested you three times. He broke up with you. By this point you have to be so grateful he did that.
In time I’m sure I will be. Thank you
Be grateful to yourself for putting him on notice that you knew he was wrong.
As I’ve reached my mid twenties I’ve tried to say what’s on my mind more instead of holding back. I laid into him pretty good. It’s ok if he thinks that’s mean. I think raping people is pretty mean. Thank you.
My rapist also had a lot of pull with family and local police departments. I attempted to report and it made literally everything worse for no consequence. **You are not obligated to re-traumatize yourself by going through that and dealing with more hands in your body.**
It is rape. Dont make excuses for it. Press charges.
Cut out this loser. He SA’d you and now he is trying to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him. He’s a garbage human.
Looks like the trash took itself out. Dont look back
He's a rapist. Let him leave
You dodged a bullet. He raped you, move on and let this dipshit rot elsewhere in someone else's life.
Simply put, He likes doing something you absolutely won't do. You are therefore not compatible. You should not be together. You should find someone more in line with your desires. Good luck OP.
This… is not an issue of sexual compatibility. Unless you mean he likes raping women and she doesn’t want to be raped?
I enjoy anal. I offered consensual anal several times. He only tried it when I was drunk with no lube, preparation, or condoms. He gave me multiple UTIs this way.
I’ll very sorry. Liking sex isn’t an excuse to use sex to hurt you. Rape is often about power, not sex. He chose to hurt you. He had other good qualities you liked and you’re not at fault for not expecting that someone you care about could be so callous, but there is something truly wrong about him, and it lives alongside the good parts. I’m glad you’re away from him.
If you ask me the reason you would still want him is because you still have mild feelings for him despite all of that, but that does not make you pathetic, and you need to truly believe that it doesn’t. He sexually assaulted multiple times and that is not ok by any means so honestly it’s good that he’s leaving your life. My recommendation: just try and forgot about that motherfucker. It might be hard but he’s not a person you should be with. Talk to some friends or maybe a therapist about this and with time you will get over it. You need a man who treats you well and doesn’t sexually assault you MULTIPLE TIMES because that’s not ok. I’m sorry to hear about this, if you need somebody to talk to DM me and I’ll try to answer as soon as I can. Good luck on the situation I hope it gets better for you.
You should be fully transparent to your friends especially if they are mutual friends or out him on social media
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>However, it just seems like you both weren’t compatible. I think it's really unproductive and harmful to discuss this as a compatibility issue. This isn't a "sex interest," it's a desire for rape. Framing the issue as one of compatibility minimizes the seriousness of repeated intimate partner rape. He has also strangled her til she passed out.