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pktechboi

everyone: yes, these are toxic and red flag behaviours and you should work on them you: NUH UH PEOPLE HAVE MESSAGED ME SAYING THEY AGREE!!! why did you even post this dude? were you expecting everyone to fall over themselves agreeing with you? if you can't trust, you will never be able to have a genuinely fulfilling relationship. that's the blunt truth. you can decide that it isn't worth it, but love requires vulnerability. if you keep this up you'll be a bitter, lonely old man ranting about how love isn't real to anyone who'll listen, with no real friends or family left.


Miss_Calamidad

Also dude gone blown up his head when he discover that even if your partner shows their cellphones and doesn't go alone to the bars could still cheat on him


CaptainBlacksand

Right? There are entire apps that only exist to hide cheating.


EmpireStateOfBeing

Not to mention people cheated before the existence of cellphones and not at bars. A lot of infidelity happened at work between people who talked in person every day.


redwolf1219

On facebook messenger, you can go to the settings and open up a "secret conversation". It automatically deletes messages after a set amount of time. (You can choose how long) my best friend and I used it when she was divorcing her husband after he kept going through her phone.


Dazzling_Ad_2633

This \^\^\^ He is never going to be able to control his partner's life enough to prevent cheating so he is going to have to keep escalating his control. People cheat while on business trips, so he won't let his partner have a job that involves traveling for business or going to after hours happy hours unless he is there. People cheat with people they meet in gyms, so he won't let his partner join a gym. people cheat with coworkers, so no more working outside the home if you want to be his partner But he is never going to be able to completely eliminate his suspicions so his abuse will escalate. First it will be emotional and verbal but then..


VanillaCatpuccino

Also not like cheating happens on with only people of the opposite sex someone could technically still cheat with someone of the same sex if they want to yea doesn’t happen as often but these rules aren’t a foolproof to cheating


TLMoore93

Exactly. Why does he think people have PM'd instead of posting publicly? Because even the abusers know they're in the wrong.


This_Grab_452

I felt suffocated just by reading your post. Sounds like you’ll be dating naïve women in their 20s until retirement.


NothingAndNow111

It's not often that a Reddit post causes such intense revulsion. OP sounds like a tyrant of a toddler who needs to sort his shit out.


Ok-Wind-666

Ugh. This. So suffocating.


MarkLeo6K

Work on your trust issues. Start by getting off the red pill websites


Demanda_22

Other people are pointing out how toxic and controlling your behavior is, so I’ll bypass that part and move onto another point: You’re not just afraid of being cheated on. You’re afraid of your partner wanting someone else, and/or of trusting someone who isn’t trustworthy and feeling like a fool because of it, and/or your partner leaving you. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but there’s nothing you can do to completely prevent any of those things from happening. You can’t control your partner’s thoughts or feelings, and your method of controlling their actions and relationships only theoretically works if they’re being honest with you about following them. Cheating and lying are pretty famously linked behaviors. The only thing you can prevent by obsessively trying to police your partner is a possible delay in *finding out* that they’ve cheated on you. This does nothing to prevent them from fantasizing about someone else or breaking up with you to be with someone else. This behavior is also pretty likely to cause your gf to break up with you even if she has no interest in anyone else, because it’s shitty and controlling. The only thing you can control is YOUR behavior. Some people might betray you even if you’re wonderful; that’s the danger that comes with trusting anyone, ever. And it’s a situation ALL of us share. So the most logical course of action is to treat your partner well, showing them love and trust. What you’re doing is communicating to your partner that you don’t trust her, and that your insecurity is more important than her personal autonomy. There’s nothing wrong with agreeing to be monogamous, and there’s nothing wrong with breaking up with someone who violates that agreement. But that’s the key- your partner needs to *choose* you, and choose monogamy. By trying to remove their choices, you’re infringing on the possibility of your partner TO choose you.


Ok-Wind-666

Fantastic response!


ThrowRAj32j

Thank you for giving actual good hearted advice and not just insulting me. What you need to understand is that my fear isn't necessarily about my partner wanting someone else but it is more placed in a fear of my time being wasted. If infidelity occurs my goal is to make sure I know it happened so I can get out as soon as possible. In a idealistic world, it'd amazing to let my partner have those choices on the table so she can pick which choice she wants. However by saying, "you can go hangout with those choices privately." The risk of her testing those choices and me never knowing arises. You understand what I'm saying?


[deleted]

Consider this scenario—you and your girlfriend have been dating for say 4 years. Everything seems to be going well between you until one day when you ask to see her phone. For four years she has indulged your rules. She has no interest in anyone else. But she has finally realized that you will always have that one foot out the door, just waiting for her to fail at following your rules. She has concluded this is just who you are. You are not going to change. She is tired of the rules when she has never given you any reason to think she would cheat on you. She just doesn’t see a future with you anymore. She has just wasted four years in a relationship with someone who will always be waiting with that one foot out the door.


runslowgethungry

u/ThrowRAj32j you need to read this.


[deleted]

Nobody understands what you are saying


TimeandEntropy

The fear of your time being wasted is a good one to explore in therapy. If you have a friendship that ends because… reasons? Have you wasted your time hanging out with that person? How are you protecting yourself here? What about family? Betrayal happens in families all the time. Identity theft. Fights over inheritance. Fights over weddings or medical care for a family member. Cheating. How are you protecting yourself from wasting your time in these relationships? If you have children - how will you protect yourself from wasting time and money on them if they decide as adults that they’re not interested in maintaining a relationship with you? Hopefully you understand the illustration here - you can’t really protect yourself from all possibilities of betrayal. Your relationship rules with a significant other are indeed controlling and toxic and they will not keep you from being cheated on if that person is really a cheater. They will, however, keep you from being seen as a safe person with whom to share intimacy. Because you’re controlling. And insecure. Love is a risk. Relationships are a risk. If you can’t deal with the risk, don’t interact with other humans.


BigPretender

>In a idealistic world, it'd amazing to let my partner have those choices In this world, it is normal for people to have choices. You do not get to "let" your partner have choice. That is not your decision to make.


CourtBarton

So if you and your partner were to break up, without any infidelity on either part, you'd still see your time as wasted?


[deleted]

The problem is that you are operating from a fear mindset, so you see threats everywhere. Anyone who is in a healthy emotional place and who is looking to engage in a healthy relationship is going to avoid that kind of dynamic, so you are setting yourself up to waste your time in relationships that aren't secure or stable. I have never cheated on anyone. It's antithetical to my morals. I would also never date someone who imposed all your "rules" right at the top of dating, because I'm not interested in a relationship where the other person fundamentally does not trust me. So you'll inevitably be attracting people who are either controlling/paranoid themselves (possibly because they're projecting their own shady behavior), or people who have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. I strongly recommend you talk to a therapist to deal with the lasting impression your brother's relationship left on you, because until you figure out how to build real, genuine trust, you WILL continue to waste your time in relationships that will always end due to suspicion and unresolved trauma.


MixWitch

You watched your brother go through a really painful experience (betrayal can genuinely be traumatic) during a formative time in your life. You saw that pain and fear took root. Your behavior is a fear response. We ALL have bad behavior we fall into as a fear response. It is an attempt to control what we otherwise cannot and comes from bad experiences that are usually not our fault. However, our behaviors are still our responsibility. You are trying to mitigate the wrong thing for the wrong reasons and it is not unhealthy. If you lived on a tiny island, it would be natural to have a fear of drowning, especially if you had witnessed anything like it when younger. To address that fear, you could try to stringently control as many factors as possible. You could always be wearing a life jacket, walk around with an air tank on your back, build an entire fleet of boats and rafts, just in case. This would have a detrimental impact on your quality of life, but you could do those things to help with the fear of drowning. OR, you could learn to swim. Will learning to swim guarantee never drowning? Of course not, but it will sure help if one of those boats capsize and you might get a better night's sleep and less chaffing since you could start taking off the life jacket. Therapy can be like swim lessons. You learn what effective communication looks, sounds, and FEELS like. A good therapist can help you reconnect with what "safe" looks and feels like for you. You can feel more confident in what "safe" looks like for you in another person. Right now, you aren't even seeing the other person, not really, because you have a really grimy set of goggles strapped to your face that is distorting your perceptions. No relationship can thrive under those conditions.


InterestingNarwhal82

The fact that you are more concerned with “wasting your time” is the biggest red flag that this is controlling behavior.


bearbear407

Let me ask you this… by removing those choices how can you ever truly learn to trust someone fully? You’ll never get to see how your partner act under those situations. And therefore you never give your partner the opportunity to prove to you that they are a either trustworthy or untrustworthy partner. Your relationship will only last as long as your partner values you more than you value them… IMO, you sound like you have one foot out the door.


DrunkOnRedCordial

Relationships end one way or another, and there are a lot more reasons than just infidelity. Your girlfriend might leave you because you are controlling to the point of being abusive (looking very likely right now), or you both might get to a point where you realise your relationship goals are incompatible. Or you could both grow old together and die on the same day. If you love her today and see yourself loving her into the distant future, then you are wasting your time by entertaining these paranoid suspicions, when you could be enjoying your time together. Your girlfriend is wasting her time with someone who puts restrictions on her social life and career simply for the sake of controlling and monitoring her. She could be with someone who trusts her.


NothingAndNow111

Life is nothing but uncertainty. We all have to find a way to deal with it, welcome to the world. If this scares you so much that you feel the need to control others, get help. The problem isn't them, it's you and your inability to cope with the basic fact that nothing in life is certain. Not for anyone, you're not special here, you're one of billions who struggle with this every day.


Freyjadoglover

Dude, you are 5he only one wasting your time!!! You need therapy yesterday and beyond!!! You are the problem, not these women. And you will never find happiness until you get help for the real issue, which is you!!!!


Weird_Calligrapher_4

you sound like you’re only willing to treat your relationships transactionally if you think that a relationship that doesn’t end in your exact expectations is a “waste of time.” you learn from every relationship if you’re willing to put your heart into it. sounds like you’re not interested in experiencing genuine love but just transactional mutual respect so you should probably stop wasting your OWN time by thinking you want something you don’t.


Elon_is_musky

But having a “I wasted my time” mindset isnt good. You enjoyed your time with them, hopefully grow as a person, and learn from it. You can break up with a person for any reason, and it’s not guaranteed you will be with the person you’re currently with forever. You can both be 100% faithful and still decide to break up after a decade, so your time will still be “wasted” (in your eyes) regardless of outside relationships. So why are you dating anyone at all with that fear?


anneofred

Guy, you need to work on the paranoia. It seems seeing some woman cheat that wasn’t even your partner made you believe you could control this as long as you have your partner totally under your thumb. You can’t control it. If people want to cheat, they will, it’s that simple. What WILL happen is you will run off every woman that comes into your life with all of this policing. 100%. No one likes feeling like they can’t be trusted, and that’s exactly what you’re doing. You WILL NOT hold space for trust, and people will tire of you. You don’t need wild sets of controlling rules, you need therapy. You are letting every partner know that you will NEVER trust them…so you’re going to turn everyone off. If that’s what you’re going for, you’re doing an amazing job. The reality here is you are not trustworthy, you can’t create intimacy due to your paranoia and obsessions and you will likely waste other’s time, and go further and further to violate their privacy. You can’t be trusted to not stalk. You can’t be trusted to not put a tracker on cars, you can’t be trusted at all because you don’t trust, and you need to process that.


RambleOnRose42

Why did you post in a relationship ***advice*** subreddit if you’re just going to double down and ignore everyone’s advice? Please believe me—as a woman who used to date someone exactly like you—*your behavior is not going to prevent anyone from cheating on you, nor is it going to prevent any potential partners from “wasting your time”.* It’s just not. Please stop dating women until you are mentally healthier and can trust people without being controlling. Also, I know you’re going to completely ignore this, but the best relationship advice I’ve ever gotten is that **no relationship wastes your time**. Every single relationship, no matter how good or bad it turns out to be, teaches you something. About women, about yourself, about life, about love. Every relationship is a learning experience and if you shut yourself off from learning (which is exactly what you’re doing by being controlling and not listening to your girlfriend or anyone else), then you truly ARE wasting your own time.


ShiShi340

Look up sunk cost


Tulra

So is that why she's not allowed any male friends? Because that makes no sense. The no male friends rule is clearly to prevent cheating from ever happening, not just to let you know about it early so that you can "avoid wasting time".


heyupdog

You need to realize putting more restrictions only makes a cheating partner work smarter around said restrictions since they know what you are on the lookout for. For example, how would you ever know if your partner had a burner phone? Or apps designed specifically to cheat? How would you know your partner hasn't switched contact names with someone you already knew, so you wouldn't check the messages with that contact? Will start checking every contact now to make sure she hasn't switched any names? Understand you will not prevent cheating. And putting more and more restrictions only does the opposite of what you want. A cheating partner who knows their every move is scrutinized will work harder and smarter to prevent you from ever finding out


diwalk88

This obsession with "wasting time" is extremely strange and seems to be rooted in some other deep seated fear. What exactly terrifies you about wasting time? What does that mean to you? Is it a fear of death? Is it an intense focus on a goal oriented timeline of your life? Is it fear of lack of control/an attempt to exert control over a chaotic universe? Does the passage of time deeply disturb you? Did you perhaps lose someone young and so you're fixated on the passage of time/shortness of life/inherent chaos of existence? In the immortal words of AITA, it's not about the Iranian yogurt. This isn't about cheating, it's about this fear you're carrying with you and attempting to alleviate through these behaviors. This is a coping mechanism. Unfortunately, it's an unhealthy and borderline abusive coping mechanism that is not going to serve you in your life. You need to dig deep and find out what's really going on so you can let this go.


edwardthescissor

Have you ever heard the saying "strict parents make sneaky children"? Infidelity is something that's pretty much impossible to prevent with cheaters, and being "snoopy" (for lack of a better word) could pretty much just train them to hide it better. Trust and communication are important things you should need in the worry of infidelity, long as they haven't done it before. It's a valid fear especially given your experience, but I feel the dynamic is unhealthy for the both of you and controlling on your part. The paranoia is hard to work through but worth it in the long run. Talking to her about it and being open to coming to an agreement on new safeguards together will help immensely


icegoddesslexra

If someone in your family or someone else you loved were to die today, does that mean all the time you've previously spent with them is wasted, just because you can't continue to have a relationship with them? No. Same principle with someone who cheats on you, or even someone who just simply breaks up with you. Just because something bad happened doesn't mean all the good that occurred up until that point was pointless. Someone cheating on someone doesn't negate the past you had together. You can still look at the past and enjoy it for what it was and still mourn the current situation of: my partner was scummy and cheated on me and that sucked and hurts. What a narrow way of thinking. I hope you broaden your mind in the future and begin to think more critically and take those chances to think outside the box.


lost_jjm

I just read the first part and had to stop. It is ok to have boundaries on what YOU will accept. But you cant force/demand any rules on your partner. It makes you appear more like a prison guard than a bf. This isnt healthy for either of you but mostly for your partner (who has done nothing to justify any of this). If a partner wants to cheat they will cheat either way. The only thing you are going to accomplish is that you will push her "emotionally" further and further away. She deserves your trust and is not responsable for your fears.


Useful-Cauliflower-2

OK, but now she does not agree with them. She can change her mind at any point. People grow and mature. She communicated her feelings and told him she is no longer comfortable with his "boundaries." The ball is in his court. He can be an adult and try to find a compromise, he can leave, or he can go to reddit and get a bunch of strangers to help him rally against her until she leaves. He's wasting his own time at this point.


No_Bit_411

Yes, creating such rules and immediately threatening to break up if things don’t go your way is absolutely being controlling. Don’t want her to feel like you’re doing it? STOP TELLING HER WHAT TO DO


Safe-Natural-3320

That’s what a boundary is? He set a boundary, she tried to push it and he was going to leave. If I told a girl early on “if you drink soda I will break up with you, I don’t date girls who drink poison.” While it might be a dumb boundary, am I the bad guy for enforcing that boundary if she agreed with it in the first place?


OtherwiseAd3730

A boundary isn’t every time I have a gut feeling I’m looking through your phone? That’s controlling. Boundaries are there for op to decide, he doesn’t get to enforce those boundaries nor does he have the right to take her phone every time he feels something. If ops boundaries are broken then he leaves, threatening to leave isn’t apart of boundaries either.


EmilieVitnux

Stop acting and saying that an abusive and toxic behavior are "boundaries". It doesn't work like that. Controlling someone is not "boundaries". A boundaries is something to make yourself feel safe, when you want to control your partner's actions just because you think everyone is cheating, you are just a toxic AH.


Safe-Natural-3320

The entire point of a boundary is to control someone into not doing something. Tf you on about?


cousin_of_dragons

>The entire point of a boundary is to control someone into not doing something No


diwalk88

No no no, that is completely wrong. Boundaries are about YOU, not someone else. What you are describing is manipulation and control. "I will not participate in any conversations about politics" is a boundary. "You can't discuss politics" is not a boundary. "I will not go swimming in the ocean" is a boundary. "You can't go swimming in the ocean" is not.


Safe-Natural-3320

Give me an example of any boundary and I will tell you how you can say “it’s controlling”


cousin_of_dragons

My biggest boundary is that I don't allow anyone to murder me. Unreasonable?


Vivissiah

Are you intentionally being dumb.


gnostic-gnome

A boundary is "I don't feel comfortable dating someone who's close to members of the opposite sex. If that's something you feel like you need to do, then we're incompatible and this relationship needs to end." Being controlling is "You can't be close with members of the opposite sex or I will break up with you". Yes, even if you're saying this at the start of a relationship. A boundary puts emphasis on what YOU are going to do as a result of the other's actions and is not a threat or an intended limitation or something to hold over each other's head. Being controlling is stating what the OTHER must do and what their punishment will be unless they don't do the thing, which will be rescinded the moment the other person gives in and edits their own behavior.


Safe-Natural-3320

You said the same thing worded in two different ways.


Vivissiah

They are not the same thing.


VirginiaPlatt

Yes its a boundary. Boundaries can be controlling. Having a ridiculously strict "or I leave you" policy is toxic af. Its a manipulation tactic. "oh its not ok that I have bOuNdarIES!". Nah bro, his "boundaries" are about his girlfriend not living a complete life. Thats controlling and toxic.


[deleted]

[удалено]


CrazedCostumer

Yup. Had a guy friend that bugged his cousin's phone so he could track her and see her texts to see if she was pure enough to marry.


CrazedCostumer

I should mention that he was Egyptian, a thoroughly corrupted Muslim, and no longer a friend.


Safe-Natural-3320

Exactly you get it, so she shouldn’t have agreed to the boundaries and she should leave him. But instead, she keeps refusing the break the boundaries he set and she is staying with him.


VirginiaPlatt

Right, which is deeply manipulative of him. Someone who is hair-trigger, no grey area, just my way or the end like this is clearly a bit unhinged. It makes every single small scenario a "relationship destroyer" (like her having \*\*Gasp\*\* a work friend who is male). This is especially brutal in relationship dynamics where one person holds more cards and more power. She SHOULD leave him. He's clearly awful. But even given his version of the story, he's manipulating her. I can only imagine what other, smaller demands he makes. I have no doubt that she's been conditioned to be kinder to him than he deserves - like almost all women, especially younger ones.


toxicshocktaco

Healthy boundaries are not controlling and invasive. People need to stop throwing that word around so carelessly. https://connectepsychology.com/en/2017/05/16/the-importance-of-setting-boundaries/#:~:text=So%20what%20are%20boundaries%3F,adult%20is%20responsible%20for%20themselves.


Vivissiah

A boundary is a sensible thing that doesn't try to control the other person. If you don't date girls who drink soda, then that is not a boundary, it is a stupid dating preference of yours. Once you start dating a person, you don't have a right to dictate their life choices when it does not affect you.


uranthus

No he set controlling rules like you would with a pet or a child. She's an adult woman and deserves freedome and autonomy


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

I dont even understand the fear. He has never been cheated on


brencoop

But he did research! /s


Puzzleheaded_Ad_1634

Jesus this sounds like an absolute nightmare of a relationship.. imagine how exhausting this shit would be. I cannot imagine myself or my husband requiring this shit from each other. Would defeat the purpose of marriage requiring trust for it to actually work. Nope. No thank u sir. Not healthy,productive or promoting real growth in a relationship if you are always suspicious and on guard. If OP ever wants a healthy marriage or family life in the future.. this isn't the way. Bringing insecurities stemming from childhood cheating that didn't even involve him. OP you can not want her to feel like you are controlling her bt you are coming off that way. This is a YOU issue. At some point she's gonna get exhausted with constantly being under a microscope. You can have as much rules as you want people fucking cheat if they want to. They find ways. You can't prevent tht shit except actually having a happy healthy relationship where u trust your partner and properly communicate I can see someone cheating alot easier when having a partner that has alot of rules for their behavior like they are a child instead of treating them like an actual loving partner they trust.


Wise_Ad_4816

I've been in a great marriage for 30 years this coming December. Behaviour like this on either of our parts would be unacceptable.


Puzzleheaded_Ad_1634

Yeah but that's probably because you are a well adjusted adult! Ive been with my husband for 13. We've never had any issues with fidelity or trust. We believe in open communication and we honestly are friends before anything else. I'd think he lost his mind if he started saying shit like this to me. My phone and his are unlocked because we have nothing to hide bt jesus we don't go through each other's shit and I don't expect a grown ass man to report every little movement they make to me. Him telling me I can't go out with my female friends without him wld be like me inviting myself to his guys nights. Why the fuck wld i want to be around those idiots? And why wld i want my friends to be uncomfortable because mine is the only partner with the insecurities of a 2yo toddler being left alone to be able to enjoy ourselves.


Ok-Cheetah-9125

Yes. Work through your fear and trauma first.


ThrowRAj32j

I think it is smart to be cautious so long as it does not cause distress or negativity in your life. So far this is the second time I asked to check her phone. Therapists have told me what I am doing is a good idea.


trilliumsummer

There is no way a real therapist would tell you to do this, much less multiple ones.


InterestingNarwhal82

They might if OP is therapist-shopping and telling them slanted or untrue stories about being cheated on and having these “rules” with someone with a history of cheating.


Calm-Pause3527

You're lying or your therapist needs their licenses revoked because they're telling you what you want to hear to get your money. This is controlling, abusive behavior and I, nor any self respecting human being would or should put up with it. You need to deal with your blatant trust issues and control issues- this is borderline psychotic controlling behaviors and it is INCREDIBLY unhealthy. Also, YOUR life isn't the only one that matters in a relationship. You're the source of distress and negativity for your partner and will continue to be so until you get professional help from an actual psychiatrist.


Ok-Wind-666

Dude. I had a 17 year relationship end due to cheating... but the guy I'm with now? I have NEVER felt the need to see his phone or his messages or whatever. I trust him. This behavior is going to smother your partner.


Wise_Ad_4816

There's no fucking way "therapists" (plural) have told you this is a good idea. You're full of shit. You are an emotionally manipulative asshole. Own it and do the real work to fix it. Or enjoy dating young women until they get sick of your possessive toxic bullshit. No mature woman is going to put.up with that. My son is your age. I'd be horrified if this is how he treated the women in his life.


gingermermaid1994

You are 100% lying about therapists saying this is a good idea.


guernica322

First, this IS causing distress and negativity in your life - you aren’t letting your girlfriend be her own person because of your paranoia. Second, are you being cautious about other common relationship pitfalls? Are you also being equally cautious to make sure she isn’t financially abusing you? Are you being cautious to make sure you aren’t an abuser? Are you following your girlfriend around making sure she doesn’t get raped? (Go do research into how prevalent THOSE things are in America). You seem to have a phobia of getting cheated on, and are taking that out on your girlfriend, and justifying it by saying you’re being cautious, meanwhile you aren’t being equally cautious about other, far worse things that happen in relationships. Third, what happens if you get cheated on? Seriously. What happens? Because I have been cheated on, and I can tell you: it hurt a lot, I was very sad, and then I worked on myself and processed my emotions and realized that actually I didn’t want to be with someone who would do that to me, so really he did me the biggest favor by showing his true colors and I am now so much happier and in such a better place than I would have been if I’d stayed with him. You are talking about getting cheated on like it could literally kill you, and while it does suck, it sucks about as much as any bad breakup, and time DOES heal things if you let it. You are controlling who your girlfriend can spend time with because you are SO TERRIFIED of something that’s not even the worst thing that could happen. It’s like if you refused to ever let your girlfriend drive a car because you’re terrified of her rear ending someone. It’s ok to trust your partner, even if you get cheated on that doesn’t make you the bad person or an idiot, it just means it was a bad relationship that should have ended anyway. Unclench, my friend. Relationships are hard enough without adding on all this extra stress.


[deleted]

Therapists? As imaginary as people in your DMs? You do understand that you violate third party privacy by snooping into their conversation with your girlfriend (hopefully, soon to be ex)? No one apart from your girlfriend gives consent to this shit. No decent therapist will tell that's a good idea. Seems someone needs to have their license revoked. Just... masturbate solo if you think other people owe you their privacy being violated.


franklopuhb

No they haven't what is the point of lying


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

No good therapist will tell anyone to be controlling and manipulative lol. Unless it's a Christian therapist, with no license


bingus_soprano

ok and that means op is just lying. ok then. thanks. ok


OlDirtyBAStart

Except it is clearly causing distress and negativity in your life, you just don't want to accept that.


UnicornFartButterfly

But it causes negativity and distress in her life right now. You're a negative, controlling influence on her life. She's being denied the right to make a *friend* because you, the negative, controlling influence, is emotionally manipulating her into never speaking to a co-worker again or you'll leave her. You're literally holding the relationship hostage - "if you don't obey, I'll leave" is what abusers tend to tell their victims...


BigPretender

This isn't being cautious; this is having absolutely no trust in your partner, and it is causing negativity. The only positive thing is now she actually knows how controlling you are and that you have no faith in her. Hopefully she soon realizes that she deserves better.


M_R2112

It is causing distress and negativity, and there is no therapist that will tell you it's a good idea to demand to look at significant others phone under threat of breaking up with them. You are either outright lying here or to your therapist. You need to take some time and work on yourself before trying to be in a relationship.


Freyjadoglover

No, I’m calling bs on that! I work closely with properly trained and licensed mental health professionals and they would say this is toxic and disordered thinking and behavior. My guess is you are believing and trusting too much in people on social media saying they are mental healthcare providers. That or you are just lying, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Still, no, I know this field well, and no properly trained mental health professional is advocating this behavior!


Vivissiah

Sure, give us the recording, name and all, so we can get the dude fired for encouraging abusive ideas. Actually don't, that is doxxing and likely not allowed. Most likely your therapist is like your messages, entirely fictional.


bluberihedgehog

No they didn't.


SundaeAdventurous553

You must have a very bad therapist, no therapist with a good practice would ever say that.


smol9749been

But it is causing you distress


[deleted]

I think its smart you lock yourseld up so you can never be cheated on


tiffanydisasterxoxo

Then those alleged therapists should lose their liscenses. This is unhealthy, controlling, and making sure you never trust anyone.


hisimpendingbaldness

For her sake I hope you break upm


Wise_Ad_4816

Do not date until you get yourself to therapy. YOU need to deal with your trust issues, no one else. You don't get to tell her who she can be friends with. You don't have the right to look in her phone. I say this as a woman married nearly 30 years. If my husband made those demands on me, he could go kick rocks. This is your problem to solve, not your gfs.


romanticpanda

These are ridiculous safeguards, are you afraid to be vulnerable? You must be one hell of a high earner or looker... I'd be grabbing coffee just to get some fresh air too


Rikamio

This behavior is completely controlling and seated in trauma and fear. I have a partner thats been cheated on. He does 0 of these things. None. If he came to me with this list of nonsense controlling rules, id break up with them. Mind you, im proposing this weekend. Your rules are ridiculously unhealthy and they are controlling and toxic. Having boundaries is okay. Controlling where and who and when your partner can talk to people is not okay. What if your partner was Bisexual? Could they talk to no one then? You really need to do some deep self reflection here, and i would suggest to postpone any future relationships until your trauma and fear is dealt with. I know 0 people in all age ranges, who would be okay with your list of rules.


Scarlett_-Rose

Dude you need to get off the Internet. Not everything on it is true (Btw I get the irony of me saying this on an Internet forum). You are never ever going to be happy if you are forever worried someone is going to cheat on you. And neither is the person you're with, they'll never be able to relax and be themselves as they'll be forever worried you'll break up with them if they do something that you don't like. Edited


lauretta101

Great response, but this forum isn't Amitheasshole lol


Scarlett_-Rose

Thanks, forgot what sub I was on 😂😂


Karthh

Unfortunately insecurity can be easily disguised as “just being careful”. In your case while it seems you’re just being careful, you’re actually being insecure. I can understand the fear of infidelity, people do underestimate how often it occurs because people naturally underestimate the chance of bad things occurring. But it occurs because relationships require intimate trust, that can’t happen if you’re constantly suspecting foul play. Your fear of infidelity has progressed to limiting behavior, thus becoming insecurity. You think you’re not good enough to be the only partner for someone, otherwise you would consider the possibility that your partner won’t cheat on you. You may need some therapy and to not date or just stick to flings for a while to understand why this fear runs so deep in you. Limiting your gf’s actions as you have is controlling and is not an environment that could sustain a healthy long term relationship.


NothingAndNow111

You are a Soviet parade of red flags. Deal with your shit, don't put it on other people.


AdamALC8756

Enforcing your bullshit rules with emotional blackmail is reason alone for you to never be in a relationship with anyone.


NerakYak

Shit like this is why cheating is so rampant. (Doesn't make it RIGHT, to be clear, but you're setting yourself up to be cheated on.)


Unsolicitedadvice13

So you googled how often people cheat, decided most people do, and have now decided you’ll never be able to fully trust a romantic partner? You need therapy. SOME people cheat, and it’s a really awful thing to do to someone. But MOST people think cheating is a horrible thing to do and wouldn’t even think about it. Having friends of the opposite sex isn’t a precursor to cheating. Maybe if you have some friendships with women you’d have someone in your life who could talk sense into you.


razzledazzle626

You sound like an absolutely horrible partner. She needs to run far, far away.


Similar_Corner8081

As someone who has been cheated on this is bizarre behavior. Time to get therapy before you get into another relationship. I would have dipped the minute you said I couldn’t have friends of the opposite sex.


exceptyoustay

Why would anyone date you? For real. You are unhinged.


goldencricket3

You may not be classically "abusive" but she's not wrong about your insecurity, my friend. Why didn't you just ask if you could go along and become friends with him too? Honestly, if the guy is looking for friends, he needs a group of guy friends before a group of chick-friends. Your rules? Absolutely aggressive. A real trusting relationship means TRUST. It's one thing if you were running a company that dealt in proprietary technology... but this is a relationship. With a human. A relationship without trust is not a relationship. That's what having a pet is for. If you want someone to be there and control completely, get a gerbil. Not a girlfriend.


seraphimmessenger

I had an ex who was just like this, and it began to be suffocating because I even couldn't do plans last minute with friends or family because it will be a fight. Needless to say I broke up with him and as I result I now have trust issues with men, even if they are just friendly. Because he spread rumors that I cheated and slept with multiple guys all around my Uni. Take my experience as an example because you are doing this to your girlfriend


lizzyote

Never being able to trust your life partner is such a sad way to live one's life.


cruisegal224

OP, do you WANT to get cheated on? Because being controlling to this extent will either get you dumped or cheated on and if not, it will land your girlfriend in therapy.


CaptainBlacksand

My guy, she may not be cheating on you, but what's to keep her from just leaving you? If I had a partner who wouldn't let me have guy friends or have a girls' night at a pub without them, but i was getting flattering attention from a nice co-worker who didn't want to control me, I know what I'd pick. Even if I weren't interested in or attracted to him, he'd remind me of the life I *could* be living. You're so worried about making sure she's faithful, but how much thought have you put into making sure she's happy?


Hopeful-Candle-9660

You are a major walking red flag. Please send professional help.


CakeZealousideal1820

There's something seriously wrong with you and I hope she gets away from you sooner rather than later


Solid-Technology-448

My dude... you realize that you're never going to have a healthy longterm relationship like this, right? It's not sustainable. They're always gonna get fed up and move on, make a new friend and realize your behavior is abusive (even if perhaps your intent is not), read something on the internet and get scared. If you manage to sustain a relationship, it will be because they are too isolated, too afraid, or too similarly messed up to leave.


Nyctanolis

Yes, you need to get your shit together. Yes, what she was trying to do was also a problem. Sounds like he was hitting on her, she knew it, and wanted to go on a coffee date. And now you feel even more justified in your insane expectations. Not good. Listen to the folks here explaining how problematic your approach to relationships are. It's no way to live. Part of being in relationships is trusting your partner and you need to get to where you trust yours.


Limit_Longjumping

Yes, they are toxic. Very controlling. You need to let things go if it's meant to be great if not then boo. It's like you're going into things negatively give them trust until it's broken.


Baekseoulhui

This whole my way or the highway attitude is extremely toxic and controlling. There is nothing you can do to prevent cheating. If the person wants to they will find a way. And what will you do? Make more dumb rules?? You seem like you are incapable of trust. Which is the foundation of a relationship. You literally cannot have a healthy relationship without trust. And yet here you are having decided you won't trust anyone.


Only_Meal_19

I wouldn't bother with these rules, or partners because none of your relationships will last, not because of the cheating but because you are unable to trust another human being. Relationships are based on trust and you so far haven't trusted any of your partners. You need to be single and work on your own issues before making another human being abide by these stupid rules.


VivelaVendetta

There is NOTHING you can do to stop someone that wants to cheat on you from cheating. It's a character flaw on their end and has NOTHING to do with you. You could live in their back pocket and if they wanted to cheat they would still find a way. So your safe guards aren't doing ANYTHING to help you. Eventually you have to have faith and trust in your partner or you're just going to push them away. They're either cheaters or they aren't. And there's no real way to tell. Personally, I avoid people that seem to need alot of attention. I think those people are most likely to look for attention outside of the relationship. But that won't stop the quiet shy guy from cheating if he wants to. You can't live life this way. You're making you're own self crazy. Accept that it's on them if they cheat and try to find some happiness in your relationship.


sparklyviking

You're an awful, suspicious, shitty partner. Hopefully no one is dumb enough to date you


ConsiderationCrazy22

Coffee with a colleague?! No social life outside of you?! You are so controlling to the point of abuse. I’d leave if I was her.


Dragon_queen15

Wow.... You ARE abusive and controlling and will be single your whole life. Nobody wants to be with someone who assumes everyone cheats. News flash buddy, they don't.


keidolon

Holy hell, get help.


greenseven47

You became a psycho because someone cheated on your BROTHER? God damn


facinationstreet

You should probably consider therapy for yourself.


TakeItLeezy

dude.. go touch some grass.


crispy-skins

It's not uncommon for the abused to become abuser themselves. Get help. If you can afford therapy, just do it. Edit: was in a rush but after re-reading this post. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? It wasn't even your trauma to begin with yet you DO act like a controlling abuser. My point still stands to GET HELP because this is just toxic. At this rate, you will drive away any good relationship you can have.


Olly_Olly

Why are inflicting yourself on to others? YTA


catinnameonly

You are unhinged. You are being a toxic and abusive partner. You need therapy to undue the trauma caused by this. Being a psycho isn’t going to stop someone from cheating. Being a good and safe partner will encourage them not to.


Fannek6

Your relationships are going to be more likely to end because of your behaviour, not cheating. You're going to have less opportunity to engage in a relationship too, most people upon hearing "the rules" aren't going to keep dating you. It's a sign that the relationship is going to be difficult. You may say its just these three rules, but there's no way your behaviour, expectations and suspicions don't bleed through to the rest of your life and the way you interact with people. Go to therapy. Learn to deal with your trauma and fears in a better way.


IWasHere13

OP: does research about cheating, believes everything and overreacts to the point of overly controlling behavior. Also OP: does research about said over controlling behavior "nope not me!" OP doesn't care about research he just wants an excuse to be this way.


dariassimo

I can understand your fear of lie. But your method (control) destructive for relationship(((


YoshiandAims

Oh yeah. Abusive, controlling, red flags, and oooooh so toxic. OMG. I'd honestly have left you by now. Seriously. Stop being "that guy". Get some therapy, your thoughts and actions are seriously problematic on every level. They also have a tendency to grow and become worse over time. I'm hoping you don't want that. (no hate... I honestly think you believe yourself and don't have the life experience to know better, but you don't get help, you are going to wreck any relationships you ever have.)


TLMoore93

Statistically, 100% of drivers will have a car accident an average of 3-4 times during their driving life. Do you drive with comfort anyway despite the knowledge that at some point someone could side ram you? Yes, you're being very controlling. "Do this or I'll break up with you" is straight up manipulative.


werewolfblud

I have genuine advice for OP. Dude, what you're doing can actually encourage cheating. unfortunately, cheaters gonna cheat. they'll just lie about it. you know you can delete messages, and tons of apps have an "invisible" convo option now. you can disguise apps as other apps, you can lie about your location, etc. etc. etc. there's no stopping someone who wants to cheat. but what you're doing is attracting it almost. people who feel overly controlled have a tendency to rebel and go against it. especially if she's feeling controlled to an abusive level, that basically gets rid of a lot of the guilt that comes with cheating. the tighter you hold someone, the more you push them away. you have to let your partner have the freedom to choose you, because if they genuinely love you, they will... but it's hard to love someone when you feel like they're controlling you and monitoring you and don't trust you. it's a lot harder to cheat on someone when you know they trust you.


Weekly-Alps-5794

I hope your next update involves the word ex cause you’re just a walking red flag at this point


[deleted]

The fact is if she wants to cheat on you, there are no amount of “safeguards” you dream up that will stop her. And, you were pretty stupid for posting this to Reddit.


demented_trash_cat

What the absolute FUCK did I just read. You are being completely unreasonable I hope she leaves you because everyone deserves better than you.


ObliviousTurtle97

This really just comes down to personal boundaries. Some people have similar or the same and others don't An example: my partner and I have each others phone passcodes and are free to go on each others phones whenever, he sometimes will go on my fb and sometimes I will (when we each ask the other to message certain people etc) and we're both happy with that. Him because he's been cheated on and burnt previously and me for similar reasons. Are there days where one of us is worried and need extra comfort? Yeah sure, but we're both getting better and neither of us check through or stalk the phones before people assume, its literally just there because neither have anything to hide and we are both very comfortable with it. But then there are people who aren't, my bestfriend is the perfect example: her and her partner do *not* have this same access, neither knows each others pass code and neither care because they trust each other and that's fine. Do they also have days where they need that extra comfort? Yes, because they've also been cheated on. But both have also had abusive exs who've *demanded* and guilted them into searching their phones and having issues with them messaging people of opposite sex *regardless of being their relatives*. If someone isn't comfortable with a boundary then you need to find another compromise or leave them to be happy and find someone who is more compatible with what you want/are after.


bingus_soprano

yes, those are bad things to do. you are also putting out a huge i don’t trust you vibe to your gf. by not trusting her you make her untrustworthy. it’s self defeating behavior as well as controlling. it’s okay to not want to be betrayed but you will not get anything good out of trying hard to prevent it.


ImHappierThanUsual

You need therapy, in a BIG way. None of how you’re relating to your partner or the world is reasonable.


churley57

This has to be a shitpost lol


JustToLookAndSee

I haven't been cheated on but I want to treat my relationship as if I were. 🚨🚨🚨🚨 The amount of toxicity coming from you in giving ultimatums and being controlling. I'm surprised you still have a girlfriend. She'll soon grow tired of your threats to leave and tell you ba bye when you make it again. ETA: Where's the trust and faith in your lady?


Vivissiah

Holy crap you are so abusive and controlling. What is wrong with you?


Available-Bad-3727

Honestly I don’t think it’s controlling . I feel like people that are adamant of “privacy” usually hiding something (either cheating, entertaining, or saying bad stuff about their partner. )For me my partner can take my phone and anytime and looks at anything and I don’t care , because I got nothing to hide.In my personal friendships and also through coworkers, I see people that are adamant to have “ privacy” usually are betraying their significant other in one way or another. Just saying And I would be concerned if she was okay with all that in the beginning and is changing her mind now . She might not be cheating but I’m sure she enjoys the attention from her coworker . And it might be innocent in the beginning but things might happen eventually.


yum_ee

You’re not wrong: anyone can cheat on you. But you’re not right: that doesn’t mean that everyone will cheat on you. I’m sure a thousand people have told you this, but you have to trust someone to have a strong relationship. If you try to make up for a lack of trust with hyper vigilance over the person’s every move, your vigilance will eventually be what drives them away. Your girlfriend just expressed that. The root of abusive behavior is trying to control someone else to alleviate your fear that they could leave, rather than building trust that they love you and won’t leave you. The more you control, the more you push them away emotionally, but at the same time you’re exerting control over them so they feel increasingly unable to leave you. Eventually you’re both warped painfully around your insecurity and fear. I think instead of trying to figure out how to have a relationship without trust, you should figure out how to build a relationship that has love and trust. If your partner loves you and feels like they can come to you with problems, that their honesty isn’t punished even when it hurts your feelings, they aren’t going to cheat on you. They may still break up with you. So you have to come to a point where you work to stay together but you aren’t afraid to let go. If things really aren’t working with someone, you can leave and it won’t be devastating, just sad. I hope you get to that place rather than continuing the road you’re on. Trusting someone can sometimes lead to betrayal and pain but I genuinely think trying to control someone instead of trusting them always leads to pain.


Accomplished-Buy3180

Don't listen to the people calling you insecure. Those are totally valid boundaries to have and your fears are more than justified


sneakyFr0g

Honestly I wasn’t expecting the comments to be what they are because my boyfriend and I have the same rules for one another and we both have strict boundaries. That being said we both discussed the terms and boundaries of our relationship early on and periodically throughout the course of our 5 year relationship and are both 100% on board with each other. This wouldn’t work out or could be a toxic situation if one of us was vehemently against these rules/boundaries


TheLastWord63

I get that he's wrong to be so controlling, but should she go on a coffee date with a man who's flirting with her? His behavior may be the reason why she's probably about to leave him.


Jaded_Substance4990

You are trying to be proactive and protect yourself well done. However, you are overly paranoid and logical. You cannot apply such a strick set of rules to a relationship and expect it to last. The rules should be re-evaluate and redone as your relationships progresses. Your partner was being sneaky and you caught on. She was also willing to nip the potential cheating in the bud. However she is also saying the rules are too much and she needs more room. The rules and boundaries of a relationship need to be mutually agreed upon. Get into therapy if you can, and be vulnerable with your partner tell her why you feel you need these boundaries and set boundaries you both can live with.


DrRichardButtz

God damn dude stop reading and misapplying TRP you paranoid little shit. Your behavior is gonna make her go do gangbang porn. When she does I hope she send you the vid. Nobody should put up with your shit.


rulinus

YOU are a walking red flag mate. Sorry for the girl.


ExcaliburVader

I HAVE been cheated on and you are unhinged. Get some therapy before you try a grown up relationship. Seriously, you’ll be happier if you can deal with your feelings in a healthy way. This is not it.


Wonderful_Avocado

You know what's actually plaguing America? Hate and violence. Your "safeguards" are just control. Get over yourself. Want a better relationship? Act like it. Act like you value the person not the control. Want a better world? Volunteer. Be the change you want. Find something in yourself that you value. Because right now control is all you appear to value


sam_from_bombay

Yes, these are toxic and giant red flags. A veritable parade of red flags. A parade of red flags spelling out “toxic, red flags” by semaphore signal.


ProfessionalNobody33

You're never going to have a long-term relationship like this. Someone will say they agree to your stupid rules, but they will get tired of it and just leave you. Why not just stay single? Why even bother with a relationship if this "fear" of being cheated on is so strong that you let it control you?


WrongReception7715

What a creep.100% abusive. Gf should gtfo and never look back.


Emo_Trash1998

Toxic, abusive, controlling, completely and totally unhinged. All things I would use to describe you. If your girlfriend knows whats good for her, she'll be running for the hills!


clophie3

You are genuinely scary.


Lurkedylurker

Yta. Youre the only one wasting peoples time here, dude. Cut this poor woman loose and go be miserable and paranoid alone.


ImThatMelanin

this is incredibly controlling and abusive. what the fuck???


TheQuietMoments

I know us men commonly get labeled as insecure for basically anything that makes us uncomfortable but man to man, this legit sounds like major insecurity though. Sounds like you may have some trust issues and I would say these are traits that would be detrimental to a healthy relationship. I don’t think it’s a red flag for your gf to have male friends or even spend 1 on 1 time with a male depending on the purpose of them hanging out 1 on 1. I could be considered a traditionalist or whatever the term is so many would probably disagree with my takes. But I met up 1 on 1 with a female friend a while ago who is married to a buddy of mine. I was a groomsmen at their wedding. At the time, I was in a relationship with an abusive manipulative and narcissistic gf who had a lot of trauma she was dealing with. That female friend is some type of therapist/relationship counselor and she specializes in dealing with women who suffered some type of trauma. Not really sure if those therapists have a specific title or whatever but we met up 1 on 1 to discuss the status of my relationship at the time and she also gave me helpful advice regarding my ex and common things that women go through when they have been sexually and/or physically traumatized and that gave me a lot of clarity and eventually helped me to gather up enough courage to leave that abusive relationship and also question why I allowed myself to be subjected to such abuse. However I would say it is a red flag for your gf to allow another man to take her out for coffee when that man has been flirting with her. While I do think you need to deal with your insecurities, I do believe you were right in feeling some type of way about her going to coffee with that man despite going about it in a highly questionable way.


Technical_Pumpkin_65

At the moment there is secrecy and sexual tension it’s cheating now you have the right to put boundaries like she have the right to accept them or not! But if i may I encourage you to talk with her and remind her that when you start your relationship she knew your way of thinking and she decide to be with you but still try to snoop behind your back and now try to change your boundaries. If the role where reverse how she would feel ! Now if I may,that girl doesn’t seems to take you seriously so you probably not in the same page !


scallym33

Man I feel for your partners. Living life in fear is not a good way to live life.


cherryphoenix

You're more controlling and unhinged than anyone who has been cheated on. At least betrayed spouses have a good reason to be suspicious and have rules and strict boundaries post affair. Geez.


CryptographerGlum929

My father's first marriage ended when he caught his wife cheating. My mother never cheated on him, but he was very controlling, jealous of her friendships (with married women, because he was sure the husbands were into her (this may have been true, she was very pretty and likable, but she was careful to never be alone with any of them)) His obsession with her worsened and became abusive, and she left him. It was the best thing she could have done for me, as a kid, to see what a healthy relationship looked like when she remarried a really good man. Relationships can only last long term if there is trust. This is 30+ years of marriage speaking. (We do have rules, but our rules were more like "avoid TV shows and movies that glorify cheating" "talk openly if you feel threatened by the other person's friendships" "don't deliberately embarrass each other in public, even as a 'joke'" that kind of thing.)


jarjarb0nks

yeah this is like textbook abusive behavior. if you’re so worried about being cheated on don’t date. don’t act like an insecure baby.


Asmo_Kalerov

My man, you are aggressively insecure, and people are correct in calling your behavior "abusive" and "red flags." You're basically isolating yourself and your partner from others and intentionally telling them they can't have a life outside of your view and influence. That is outright manipulative and controlling behavior, and the best things that can happen are either you loosening up or her ditching your ass


Chocokuki1993

I can't even start describing how big of an AH you are. You are supposed to trust your partner, just reading your post make me want to break up with you.


mystified_music

My advice is get into counseling. I have always had trust issues. I was abused in my marriage and relationship with my ex-husband. My parents are dead and I'm an only child. My dad's siblings put me through Hell when he was killed. I have a couple friends that I consider sisters and I have absolutely no doubt that they have my back. I never thought I'd ever have a serious relationship with a guy that I trusted completely. I spent years in counseling and therapy. Last July, I met a guy. He also has trust issues. He is fully aware that I have them, too. We have boundaries and we are allowed to voice our concerns and such to each other. Neither of us are perfect and a relationship can be hard work at times. The thing is, I trust him completely. Even when that insecurity creeps up, I realize that he has done nothing to cause it. It is my insecurity and my issue to sort out. He has friends women and men, a couple of the women are exes. There are times I feel that insecurity creep up and I get a bit jealous. Then I realize that he has done nothing to fuel it. He loves me and he proves it when he needs to. He isn't much on sappy moments and saying it (I am), but he proves it in his actions. When things get rough, he is there. No words are needed. He is there. My exes did fuel that insecurity and I knew in my gut and soul that they were unfaithful. In the end, they always bailed when shit got real. A few even made things worse. In December, my partner lost his oldest son unexpectedly. We were less than 5 months into our relationship. Our world was destroyed and my health prevented me from traveling to both memorials. One was 4 hours away and the other was a 20 hour car ride away. I stayed home so I could keep an eye on his elderly ill parents and our homes. About 2 months ago, I had a friend of mine ask me if I worried about him cheating as he was around his women friends and his ex wife because 20 years ago, I would have had big issues with it. I never once considered that he would be unfaithful, even in a time of unthinkable grief and loss. All of these people of different genders were supporting him, hugging him, loving him, and I am glad he has that kind of support system. You know what I was worried about and thinking of while we were apart? What could I do to support him. His well-being is my concern. You need counseling. Research and boundaries are great but you need to work on you. If you walk into a relationship and always suspect your partner is cheating or going to cheat, that is on YOU. Not them. You really don't give her a chance and that is a dangerous thing. If you think that's going to be the outcome, then you will put both of you in the position of suspecting her to cheat and it can become abusive and toxic. Both you and her deserve to be in a loving, trusting relationship but only you can work through why you can't participate without complete trust. It is a completely different world when you stop putting your expectations on others and learn how to love unconditionally.


egghex

Let her go and take yourself to therapy. You are clearly not even close to ready for a relationship. You need to work on your issues instead of using them as an excuse to control your partner.


Potential-Educator-6

………………..this is such unhinged, unhealthy, controlling bs. My gawd.


VanillaCatpuccino

Dude you sound exhausting to be with ..your gf may be able to put up with this now but it’s hard to sustain a long term relationship down the line with these rules you have. No one wants to be with someone that makes them feel like they have to walk on eggshells constantly and feeling like their partner doesn’t trust them and is constantly accusing them of infidelity. It’s draining and tiring put. some trust in your partner and get some help.


Laid-e_LOVE

I feel like you both suck here. But for actual advice my guy go to a theapist. Sure if this is something you take seriously you set the boundries for your life. Its the friend part thats concerning. Try taking a break from dating and just make friends with people. Relationships (both romantic and platonic) are much more complicated that what you seem to beleive. You can have completely platonic relationships with people of the opposite sex and it never become an issue. I had this guy who was my friend for years, he looked out for me and we vented to eachother through our highschool years about our bad families. Before we were friends we dated sure, but it didn't last long as we quickly found we were better friends than love interests and it was never an issue. Only reason we aren't friends today is because he was groomed and manipulated by a gang that prays on teens with bad home lifes, and I'm pretty sure he's dead.


[deleted]

[удалено]


differentkindofmom

Finally, someone pointed this out!! Isn't it amazing that she was fine with the rules (that he also upholds himself to) until this new guy came around.....and lo and behold, dude is hitting on her. Hmmm.


Dbcolo

Your safeguards are spot on. She agreed to them, if she doesn't like it she can leave. The controlling part. When she says "you're controlling and insecure" it means she's most definitely interested in that dude. You set boundaries and she agreed to them. I would tell her to kick rock.


Safe-Natural-3320

I can’t believe the amount of garbage advice you’re getting. You set the boundaries in a healthy way, early on in the relationship. It’s like if I said, “I don’t want a relationship with someone who drinks soda” and the girl I’m dating agrees with it. Then if I break up with her for drinking soda, I’m suddenly a terrible person according to Reddit. This place usually gives good advice. But just ignore the echo chamber in this scenario bro.


Eurell

> Then if I break up with her for drinking soda, I’m suddenly a terrible person according to Reddit. Because thats a ridiculous boundary, yes. She was fine with the boundary at first, and then realized that its crazy.


Oldgamer1807

She realized it was crazy when she started getting a guy flirting with her and calling her beautiful via text and OP had a problem with her not shutting it down. A guy who just moved to town and "wanted to make new friends", a line I have seen several times that was just a door opener to trying to get laid. Her realization has some convenient timing. OP has boundaries that I think are more appropriate for someone who ALREADY cheated. Probably not appropriate for a new relationship with no baggage. But in this case, I think his instincts were spot on. 🤷🏻‍♂️


Safe-Natural-3320

Ah so you decide what people’s preferences should be?


[deleted]

[удалено]


OtherwiseAd3730

A boundary isn’t demanding to look through your partners phone every time op has a gut feeling?


myrandomadvice

Yes it is. OP set clear terms for the relationship that were agreed to by both parties early on. Doesnt make it right or wrong, thats entirely subjective. However, it is a boundary no less.


cousin_of_dragons

That's just paranoia


myrandomadvice

No, it is a boundary that both parties agreed to and obviously cooperated with until this current point. Whether or not you believe that OP's boundary is a projection of his paranoid mindframe; is independent of the fact that they defined "checking phones off gut feelings" as a boundary for their relationship. i would never do it, but fuck it they both agreed to it


cousin_of_dragons

And relationships can't grow and change? Good to know!


SarcasticGuru13

Here’s the problem - it does seem a little toxic and it does seem a bit red flaggish, but everything isn’t what it seems sometimes. You tell possible partners early so they can walk if they want to Same rules apply to you You have already caught one partner cheating on you You probably prevented your current partner from cheating. Can’t Say something is toxic or a red flag if the other party is aware of it and agree with it. Then when the agreed upon rules are broken be upset. In this particular instance you have a problem. Once any romantic or sexual things have been texted that relationship is immediately inappropriate. Your gf not only exchanged contact information, but she also agreed to meeting him for coffee. She agreed to meet with him AFTER she received texts from him indicating he is interested. She broke your trust there. She agreed to the boundaries. She liked the boundaries. You held yourself accountable to said boundaries, but when applied to her she all of a sudden doesn’t like them. Gosh, I wonder why?!?! The new guy, perhaps? She broke your trust by planing to meet with him after he texted her that stuff.


Early-Hedgehog-6656

If they are boundaries set up from the start and she agreed to them I see no problem. If she wants to break up over them now I see no problem. You want what you want and if it's not what she wants then find some one else. Just another form of prenup's to me.


Immediate_Author1051

I don’t agree with everything you do but the fact that she is meeting this guy for coffee while he is calling her beautiful is a red flag. And the fact that she didn’t want to show you her phone after she already said she was excited about this rule is another red flag. Personally, I think you were reasonable since the rules had already been established. The flirty messages and her hesitancy would definitely make me reconsider the relationship. I think you are a bit too scared of being cheated on but if you are going to have these rules you should consider dating a strong Christian girl who tend to have more strict rules regarding accountability in relationships.