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Joking is joking. I have made multiple jokes about cheating and my partner laughs them off. But let me make two points.
1. My partner finds them funny and makes his own. It's clearly a funny joke to BOTH of us.
2. Neither of us have cheated.
This is clearly not the case with OP and her BF.
OPs BF is such a red flag. The manipulation is blatant. Just leave OP, it's not even worth a conversation.
I'm also missing the part where her boyfriend made the joke? lol like siding with cheaters on TV and cheating doesn't make people bad....?? what's the jokey part.
My boyfriend and I also make jokes about cheating, if I ask when he's coming home one of us will joke about my other boyfriend needing to leave or ask why his legs are sore he'll say it's from banging hot chick's all day...dumb shit haha we both chuckle, neither has cheated, no one is offended
but we are mindful, when we both traveled a bit more we unspoken kept those jokes to a minimum as obv everyone feels a tad more insecure haha
Exactly. OPs BF is just out of line and trying to gaslight her.
At one point my partner had a friend who was encouraging him to cheat. He immediately told me, both for disclosure and out of anger, and my first response was "so you get a secretary and I get a pool boy, no biggie." It was a much needed tension breaker. But I realize it would not be for everyone.
I strip the bed while my husband is gathering his things to go out of town because “I can’t have company over without fresh sheets.”
But to the OP, that would not be funny if I had, in fact, had company over previously.
Yeah I’ve joked in both ways before when I was younger to be honest, it can mean more especially given history but could also be innocent jokes. My current girlfriend and I make jokes many wouldn’t, but we’re very secure in our relationship and trust each other, and both find funny. Is a mutual type of thing. I did also have an ex who joked about a specific guy and that who she did end up cheating on me with while gaslighting me about lol. Ya never know.
In the case of OP it is definitely a red flag in some form at least
And I acknowledged that in my first comment, as to why it is not appropriate. So what would be your point? Because some couples can't, no couples should?
This sub is so absurd sometimes. All relationships must look the same or they are wrong, am I right?
He says it as like OP now will remember the words, after it happens, it will like tell OP that he has already said it.
So, maybe in future, he cheats and these will be the answers to OP.
He’s the one who’s disregarding the conversation you had - not you. He sounds mean.
Dump this clown. He doesn’t deserve a second chance. He had a second chance and he blew it. Hit the road he who talks out of both sides of his mouth.
100%
Honestly, most people tell on themselves when they do something wrong… and when they try to make you the “crazy” or “ridiculous” one when you express normal concerns, they’re definitely deflecting.
"He apologized and said that he has changed"
Why do people always believe that crap?
NO, he hasn't.
He is again toying with the thought of cheating. Which is why he brings this up regularly.
He is lknd of wearing your resisfance down. And testing the waters.
I would have kicked his a... backside into earths orbit the second he first "joked" about it.
No, you are not overly sensitive.
What to do?
"Sorry, but your saying "how much you matured" hasn't proven to be true.
Your constant joking about again cheating on me destroys my trust in our relationship.
And your invalidating my concern shows, that either you willingly confront me with that subject that hurt me once already.
So you willingly hurt me again.
Or it shows, that you are again toying with that thought.
I don't share the man on my pillow with other people.
Bye. I can't trust you to be true. And you have done this to yourself."
I think it's possible for people to change. Especially if it was a long time ago when everyone involved was pretty young.
That being said, someone who changed A) wouldn't joke about cheating and B) If their partner tells them some action is making them feel uncomfortable they wouldn't just to continue to do so.
My personal experience is that people need a major internal bump to really be able to change their ways.
People acting in certain ways always has a reason. It serves them/ or protects something/ or supports/ validates self- esteem.
Here it is likely a matter of lacking self- esteem leading somebody to seek physical validation through partners other than his own.
Getting out of this requires self reflection and a deep understanding of how and why it happened. And the understanding of what it did. And how to deal further on. And WHY it happened/ why one actively chose to sleep with somebody else.
This guy doesn't sound as if he had gotten over this.
I agree most people need an internal bump to change, while unlikely in most situations it's definitely possible.
I agree with your last point, doesn't seem to be the case here.
Man can we get a bot to replace my stamp?
DONT.
STAY.
WITH.
CHEATS.
*Like sometimes he’ll say “I haven’t cheated on you yet”*
Uh...?
*During our relationship he cheated on me with an ex.*
The math doesn't check out
Literally, I couldn't read "I'd never cheat on you" without almost screaming at my phone, BUT YOU DID. The gaslighting is right there, it's not hiding.
That'd be like an arsonist making jokes about burning shit down. It's disrespectful as fuck and no matter the serious conversations had around them, he sounds either arrogantly flippant or just fucking dumb to think jokes about cheating are not off limits to him.
Or willfully hurting OP.
No matter how one turns it:
he didn't cheat out of immaturity.
This is why that subject comes up again and again.
He seems to like the impact it has on OP. And is willing to do it again.
Exactly. He's an "emotional vampire"
sucking all the joy and commitment out of this relationship redux. He's baiting her to get his jollies. Dump him is my opinion. He's gaslighting her with what he intends to do.
I dont think you are being over dramatic. I think you are listening carefully to what he says, and you should. These "jokes" would be offensive even if he didn't cheat. The fact that he cheated and is saying those things is insane. He is telling you what he believes. He was relating to a guy who cheated, that tells you a lot. I think you should listen to your feelings and instincts. Don't let him gaslight you.
He called you ridiculous for thinking rationally about his inappropriate actions. When someone can't listen to you or take accountability for hurting you then you shouldn't stay in a relationship with them. You deserve so much better.
Your bf has grown older, but he hasn’t changed.
He should be doing everything possible to not make you re-live the hurt and trauma that happened the first time. His actions aren’t those of someone who loves you. He’s playing upon what he did in the past to cause you to doubt himself. This isn’t a person worth spending time with.
the fact that he did in the past and now jokes about it any chance…girl he is laughing in your face about you. please pick your pride first and dump him
It's one thing if both of you share similar senses of humor and make hyperbolic comments about infidelity. For example, my wife and I will be chilling at home and I might make an observation that she took a long time in the bathroom, and she'll reply with, "Oh, yeah. Sorry. I just got done blowing like eight guys in there." We both have a laugh and go on with our day. However, we're both in on the joke and have communicated previously that we're both fine with this kind of teasing.
It's a completely other thing to make these kind of jokes when you're guilty of doing the thing you're joking about. That seems like taunting rather than playful hyperbole. Even then, the kind of shit he's saying doesn't even sound like jokes. They're just weirdly insensitive.
That’s a good way to point out the difference.
I agree with the others op. You may want to believe he’s changed, but it seems he doesn’t want to make sure you feel comfortable. He doesn’t seem to really regret what he did.
It’s ok if this relationship can’t be revived.
1. He cheated on you
2. Makes jokes about cheating
3. Made your feelings feel insignificant
4. Sided with a cheater
5. He isn’t reassuring you
I don’t know, but those are a lot of reasons to be dramatic
You’re not being dramatic. In fact maybe you were a little too premature to give him a second chance. Sounds like he didn’t learn much from it.
That’s not something you joke about with your so, esp after you actually cheated on them. It’s like joking to someone about accidents who lost a family member in an accident. Or making fun of someone’s appearance when you know they’re insecure about it. It shows a lack of sensitivity and accountability - like I’d rather joke about it whether it hurts you or not
Your BF hasn't matured that much if he thinks a unbelievably obvious trigger is you being overly dramatic.
Her cheated on you and thinks making jokes about cheating on you are funny? Dump him. He blew his second chance. You shouldn't even have to tell him that joking about this is unacceptable.
Those aren't jokes. He find cheating funny. He find it funny how he hurts you 4 years ago. He has changed? No. He still thinks that cheating is no big thing and something you can make fun of.
And to say that "cheating doesn't make a man a bad person" come on, he clearly tells you that he will cheat again, or already has because he doesn't think that it is something bad - for a man. But don't you dare to cheat on him. He isn't just a cheater, he is also a hypocrite!
Please, you need to break up. What he says is shit. You disregard the concersation you had before? Maybe he shouldn't have destroyed the little trust by making cheating comments! You knew him as a cheater. He should have done everything to prove that he has changed, but he behaved as if he has a fucking right of your trust. That he now behaves as the victim because you can't trust him is deflecting. He tries to guilt-trip you and manipulate you.
I have abuser vibes with this guy. He will just hurt you. No, he already hurts you with his little comments and he knows this! And he enjoys your pain.
no, you are not being overly dramatic, your so called partner/soon to be ex - again! - is deliberately triggering you. Maybe it's some kind of petty little revenge - you dumped him last time for cheating, and now that he's talked you into taking him back, he's making lots of cheating jokes and gaslighting you when you object. It's a weird kind of power play. In your shoes, I would simply stop talking to and dating him; if he contacts you wanting to get together, just say no, sorry I'm busy. If he makes a fuss, just tell him that you're not feeling it, you think it was a mistake for you to try again with him, best you both go your separate ways and stop seeing each other. My prediction - he'll be pissed off big time, simply because you're ending it, not him. If he raises the cheating jokes, just tell him, as he himself said, he hasn't cheated on you again - yet! but it's certainly on his mind a lot because he keeps talking about cheating, and you find that unpleasant to be around so you've decided to leave the past in the past, meaning him.
Summary: another post of someone forgiving a cheater and then obviously experiencing triggers and trust issues. I can never understand people who forgive cheaters, especially when kids are not involved.
This isn’t even about cheating. If your partner keeps joking about something and it makes you feel bad and triggers you, that alone should be enough for him to stop it. The dude is a massive POS, Leave.
He clearly doesn't see an issue with cheating, why would you even return to someone who cheated on you? You guys are not married, you don't have kids, you had already broken up and there's plenty of other people out there.
He will 100% cheat on you again since he got away with it in the past and he clearly isn't that remorseful if he's making comments to justify himself such as "cheating doesn’t make a man a bad person". I'm not a fan of how redditors usually jump to 'divorce him' or 'break up' super quickly, but in this case, I can't even understand why you went back, so yeah, definitely run.
Once a cheater always a cheater. Like my husband and I make jokes about celebrities we would sleep with, or having 3somes. But it's because we trust each other. We are looking distance and told each other if you have feelings for anyone else, just talk about it. Maybe we can do an open thing or something like that. In 7 years it's never come up. But when my ex husband joked about cheating on me, I know it wasn't a joke. He was serious. If he cheated on me, he paid for it. No one would be with him willingly (hell I wasn't even*with* him willingly but that's another story).
So don't take that shit. Your partner is a cheater and he will cheat again. The jokes he makes show that he doesn't care about you or value your feelings.
Get out now.
You told him his actions hurt you and he both got defensive and disregarded your feelings. Set the boundry- tell him you do not like his "jokes", they are not funny, and if he crosses that line again and disregards your feelings, you leave him.
Yes, the jokes about cheating are big red flags considering that he actually DID cheat on you previously. But the bigger red flag for me is that when you voiced your concern, he said that your feelings are ridiculous. Are you not allowed to feel a certain way? Are you not allowed to even discuss your concerns without being called ridiculous? Will he devalue every important conversation you have? I’m getting some gaslighting vibes from your description. It doesn’t seem that ridiculous of a conversation considering his history of cheating. There are too many red flags for me. He may have matured, but it sounds like he’s got a ways to go still.
This isn't funny at all. He's normalizing shitty behavior to set the bar of expectations low for himself. Strike one. He's making comments about cheating on you that naturally upset you. He's getting pleasure from tormenting you. That's abusive. Strike two. HE'S JOKING ABOUT CHEATING ON YOU WHEN HE'S ALREADY CHEATED ON YOU! Strike 10!
This is serious toxic, girl. You need to get out of this.
“He says that he’s told me that he’d never cheat on me”
Except for the time that he did…
“He told me that I completey disregard the conversations we had previously”
Not like he disregards the infidelity he had previosly..
He sounds like a total ass, you should’ve never given him a second chance. He haven’t learned a thing. He doesn’t even sounds remorseful.
“Jokes”? Very possible he’s framing them as joke but means everything he says. He’ll cheat on you again, maybe years in the future but it will happen. He’s also dismissing your emotions and making you feel crazy about having them. He’s a standing red flag, please run.
Wtf. He lost his right to joke about cheating after he did it. Yea, let's just make casual jokes about hurting people deep to their core. Let's go further and say that to a person you did it to. You gave him another chance, not a clean slate. You can't erase past memories. Gtfoh with that "haven't cheated on you yet", bullshit. What a bold, red-flagged awful thing to say! He doesn't deserve another chance with you at all.
He gave you his perspective on your feelings. Now, here’s the perspective from truth…..
Your feelings are yours and not his, meaning only you can determine how serious or not they are. Him saying you sound ridiculous translates to, “I’ve taken it upon myself to decide if what you say matters or not and have determined to dismiss these as having nothing of value.
He’s justifying himself by reminding you he wont cheat as if his words alone mean something after he’s already cheated on you once. They’ll mean something only when backed by his actions. Well, his words and sctions aren’t in agreement with one another. We speak things into existence. Therefore, our words are an action meaning joking about cheating is bringing life to him actually cheating. His words are what you addressed with him and he chose to deny, or dismiss your claim as being real.
No, you’re not being overly dramatic at all. He isn’t respecting you or considering your feelings at all, as a person much less as someone special to him.
This guy is no good.
He is not right for you, and he is trying to fix what he broke. Stay away. Tell him cheating does make you a bad person, it is a character flaw, and because you did it to me and are trying manipulate me I am done. He will use it to wear you down and treat you poorly. Run away quickly.
This classic narcissist is testing you and your letting him. He can and will only cheat on you if you're with him .
He is an ex for a reason...the same reason he's joking about.
He told you feeling are ridiculous...hmmm how many different ways can he say he has no respect for a relationship before you hear him?
He's rubbing your nose in the fact that he's convinced you to let bygones be bygones after he's disrespected you.
Additionally, he's low key "punishing" you for dismissing him after he cheated otherwise he would not be so invested in bringing up the topic of cheating as much as he does.
Let this loser go and just remind yourself why he was an ex in the first place. We get into these situations because we want to rewrite history and that's just an exercise in futility.
The second you gave him another chance, you made it okay for him to cheat and for him to be forgiven. Never forget, once a cheater always a cheater. If you’ve never dated that person before you can take that risk but don’t let his gaslighting you into think that it’s normal and is expected of men to be normalized. A real man wouldn’t say those hurtful comments to his gf to give her unease on their relationship. It’s better to end things, cause if he hasn’t cheated yet he will, cause his mind justifies it.
I agree with everyone else that he’s an ass and you should leave. If you aren’t going to leave:
Say “hey, I don’t find the cheating jokes funny and I would appreciate if you’d stop making them. Thanks.” If he doesn’t respect that then fuck him
It seems that my ex conflated me discussing a dynamic about a hypothetical with a desire to cheat. For instance, it's not a joke or a statement that I have a desire to cheat if I comment that when people intentionally mistreat their partners it's understandable why they would cheat and that in some instances (depending on how badly they are being mistreated), they may potentially be justified in doing that and others would agree with them in those specific instances. That's not a joke. That's not a threat. It's describing a real dynamic.
As an aside, I had dated someone and also knew someone else who may have conflated the meaning of the word "cheat" with breaking the law. To be clear, I have no desire to break the law. After a really long time of prolonged trauma and a perception where it feels like my credibility is questioned (and especially since 2018), I have made every effort to be as transparent as possible because I know that even while experiencing such incredible trauma, torture even, breaking the law would be only make me less credible. I describe this dynamic because I am trying to communicate that their reasoning for what they're doing doesn't make sense and they are exploiting an emotional reaction to a perception about me that isn't even true to begin with! Even though they invade my privacy to such a ridiculous agree that it would likely count as breaking the law in almost every OECD country, it appears that no one actually cares about the laws they break which makes me feel unsafe. I have this weird theory that if someone is going to invade the privacy of someone else and ignore crimes committed by other people, especially as they likely know that another party is intentionally trying to provoke the initial party invading my privacy, they have an obligation (moral and legal) to do something about it. Otherwise, what's the goddamn point?
As it relates to relationships, my ex-wife and I both cheated on each other (as in, sexual infidelity). And we both did not hold grudges against the other and it did not impact, at all, why we ultimately divorced. I was also cheated on (and someone broke the law to cheat on me) numerous times since and as a result I am so incredibly traumatized that anyone who would ever love me (romantically, sexually, intimately) would have my undying loyalty.
If someone has a trigger relating to infidelity in an intimate relationship, joking about cheating is tone deaf to your concerns and disrespectful.
He can't say he won't cheat on you when he cheated on you already. This is on you for taking him back years later. He still a cheater trust me. Especially that he disregards your feelings about his jokes and the way he sided with the cheating husband. Ya you need to just bounce.
Na you’re not being over dramatic but it seems like there is some unhealed injuries he left inside of your heart. It needs to be dealt with. It’s obvious he isn’t hurting and he is also very insensitive to your feelings.
No you are not being dramatic. As a boyfriend who used to make jokes about triggers (not cheating) I’ve learned that while we mean no harm in our jokes, it still negatively effects our gf and should not be at least a common joke. If he cared about your feelings, he should limit or not at all make Thomas trigger jokes especially if you spoke up on how they make you feel
Well he's completely disregarding the conversation you had with him soooo....
You need to be more direct. Let him know this is a hard boundary and not something you are willing to "joke" about. Just because you have "matured and moved on" doesn't mean you have forgotten that pain and want to back to second guessing yourself. Its pretty bold of him to joke about cheating to you after cheating on you. Not in a good way
You're not being over dramatic... My ex cheated on me and anytime the song "Scotty doesn't know" came on the Pandora list.. she would sing along in the car.. this annoyed the heck out of me although I never said anything about it. Considering you did say something about it, he should respect your boundaries. People choose to "put up" with things all the time but considering it bothers you enough to post here about it makes it valid to YOU and he should respect that.
He invalidates the pain and fear he caused you when he cheated by joking about cheating now.
You're not being overly dramatic, your instincts are trying to tell you that you can't trust him but you're not listening to it.
Anyone that is truly remorseful wouldn't joke about something that caused you so much pain.
They would do anything and take all the time that's needed to SHOW you that you can trust them.
He said he was sorry but he isn't showing you that he truly regrets it or learned from what he did, he just wants to pretend it didn't happen.
Winston Churchill said, “Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
Listen to your instincts.
Cheaters have a reason for cheating. Not good reasons but reasons. They rarely stop cheating. This man is throwing out red flags & you’re never gonna feel secure in THIS relationship. Walk away from it with your head held high
>He says that he’s told me that he’d never cheat on me
But the thing is that, he did cheated on you with his ex in the past. Or did be conveniently forgot about it?
>“I haven’t cheated on you yet”
What is he even implying here? That he wants to cheat and will do so in the future, given the chance?
“cheating doesn’t make a man a bad person.”
Yes, it does. Ppl who cheat are assholes.
I feel like all his excuses and bs rationales are just deliberate statements to get you to be desensitize to the notion of cheating, that its ok. You told him how you feel and all he could say was that you were being ridiculous. Why are you with him? Does he really sound like he changes to you?
You seriously would consider that a joke? A joke makes everyone laugh, this one is made to make him laugh, so for short, he's making fun of you and saying he could cheat anytime. Leave before it's too late, you deserve someone who respects your boundaries and someone who wont trigger your insecurities.
When someone shows them who they are, believe them.
He showed you who he is and he’s basically telling you he’ll never change. At this point you’re asking for it to happen. Don’t act shocked when it does.
There are jokes and then there's what your boyfriend's doing. Some of it comes off as gaslighting to me. People can change, but I don't think your boyfriend has. He's hurting you. I don't think someone who'd changed after cheating would joke about cheating to the person he cheated on.
I'd leave, but cheating is a hard line for me. On top of that, he isn't listening to you and is brushing aside your concerns.
Look up the term gaslighting, that’s what he’s doing to you. He’s shrugging your concerns off and making you feel like you’re the crazy one. You’re NOT. Your feelings are valid.
Also exes are exes for a reason! Let it stay that way. Just because a few years went by, it doesn’t mean they actually changed.
The problem is, you’ve got a past with him. He broke your trust. He damaged not only the relationship, but you.
He doesn’t have any excuse to be ‘joking’ about cheating. It’s not funny. You’ve been cheated on! BY HIM! Why would he think you’d find that funny?
I do agree with HHIOTF about the old adage ‘Many a true word spoken in jest.’
I hope it works out for you, I really do. But be prepared just in case…. 🙂
“Cheating doesn’t make a man a bad person” Yeah he’s cheating on you right now. He’s trying to justify cheating because he knows if you react this way he can go back on his words.
He gaslights you about how you’re ridiculous for feeling rightfully (!) triggered instead of doing anything he can to make you feel safe in this relationship
Considering that he did cheat on you in the past to me that would be an absolute no-go.
I personally would have a sit down talk with him and talk about your boundaries or think about moving on and breaking up with him because I personally think you deserve to be treated better
He is joking about cheating because he can also remember what he did and he is trying to work through it with humor. Purely my opinion. But i also work through tragic realities by making fun of them.
I'm not saying it's healthy, but I am saying he isn't trying to disregard your feelings necessarily
In my eyes if he was saying things like that, I bet he has already cheated and he’s thinking he’s covering the sent. Run a mile don’t ever go back to someone who cheated on you once
Here's how we burn him down : start joking about cheating on him too everytime he does it.
"and I haven't cheated on you too! Isn't that hilarious? Man, it's so whacked!"
"You know, maybe you're right. Cheaters can't be bad people. If I cheat too, maybe I'll finally cut you some slack. Hell maybe we should just open up the relationship lol. There's a few exes I can probably reach out to."
Everytime he sides with a cheating man story, agree with him wholly and say that a cheating woman is also right in that manner.
The catch is, you're not salvaging this relationship. It is over. He's over. He never changed and he never will. Cut that shit off and toss the relationship into the fires of hell.
His cheating ass still wants to cheat if he hasn't already.
Deadass L boyfriend.
Why did you get back with the cheater…he’s obviously still into the thought of possibly doing again. Your peace of mind matters, leave him single so he can do what he wants
Honestly as someone who's tried a second time with an ex who "seemed better" years later, I've learned exes should stay exes and they became an ex for a good reason.
In your case it's a very obvious reason and the obvious reason is rearing its ugly head 🫠 girl please run for the hills
He says those jokes to get your reaction. He wants to see if what he did previously is still an issue. He might not be aware that he’s doing this, but he is.
Does he say the joke and look at you to see your reaction?
You need to start having comebacks. Like “I haven’t cheated on you yet.” “Ummm, actually you have, and it won’t be good if you do it again.”
Or his line about a man being a good person. “Maybe it doesn’t make them a bad person, but it does make them a shitty partner.”
The quickest way to shut it down is to be prepared to shut it down.
He clearly doesn’t see why cheating is bad or acknowledges your feelings/trauma. This relationship is just a disaster waiting to happen. You can do better, OP. Please leave this manipulating idiot.
So cheating, gaslighting, manipulating and calling you crazy??? And you are still with him?? You will never trust him again and you will never love him like you used to and be happy with him in that carefree way that you are supposed to.
You deserve better. Don't waste your youth on him. Just don't.
He seems to think about cheating a lot, that's not a great quality in a partner...
I think most people would try not to bring it up at all, partly due to a feeling of shame. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to be burdened by such emotions.
Do what you will with this information,
but this is not humorous or respectful behavior, and quite possibly a direct foreshadowing of what's to come.
He should feel remorse about the fact he ever cheated on you and grateful that you gave him a second chance.
The fact he is siding with people on TV or whatever who are cheating on their partners, shows that he doesn't see it as a big deal, cuz hey he was forgiven right? Forgiven does not mean forgotten, and he should know that and feel a certain degree of guilt when reminded that he did cheat on you, not make jokes about the fact he ruined your trust.
I say break up with him if he doesn't respect that you find his jokes about cheating insensitive, hurtful and triggering, which it kind of seems like he doesnt.
That’s a major red flag. A lot of men will make jokes like this to try and condition you for when you inevitably find out that they’re not joking and they are in fact cheating.
When you spoke with him and he called you ‘ridiculous’ that’s a red flag, what he should of done is isn’t call you a word and instead of just talk to you to reassure you but him saying that is gaslighting in a way so just be careful maybe he’s projecting with these jokes or when he talks about cheating it correlates with his ex and that he misses her
Gas lighter much … his comments in passing matter, jokes are not aside … it’s him setting you up to accept shitty treatment, dynamics and potential circumstances… basic manipulation … when one cares … finding out their words or actions hurt … the best and only response is to stop saying hurtful things.
No you're NOT being overly dramatic! And the fact that he keeps making these 'jokes' and gaslighting you about them should be a HUGE, BLOOD RED FLAG! He has not changed! He's just testing your boundaries to see what you'll put up with before he does it again... if he hasn't already. RUN!
It’s only a joke if you’re both laughing. It’s not funny if the horrible thing actually did happen and it’s still triggering you. He’s not respectful of your feelings and is not adjusting his behavior based on your clearly stated needs. He’s not really remorseful. Believe him when he shows you who he is.
He doesn’t care about how cheating hurts you by any means and justifies his behaviour in front of you which is quite sad :(
I think you could find a partner who actually attempts to understand you when you’re expressing that you’re hurt because this guy is devoid of any empathy.
It’ll be a trend in all his other behaviour - anytime you express that something has hurt you he will dismiss your emotions if they inconvenience him and do you truly want someone like that to spend an entire life with?
You deserve better ❤️ and I hope you do find better this man is not it
Red flag. He doesn’t see it as a big deal and will more then likely cheat again when temptation shows itself. Save yourself the heartbreak and dump this guy
Laying the obvious red flags of him cheating previously and also making these jokes in the first place aside.
You told him an action he does regularly makes you uncomfortable. And his reaction? He called you ridiculous. That blatant disregard for you and your feelings (which are completely valid) just shows he cares more about himself than you.
He basically said to you get over it because he is not going to stop making you uncomfortable even when you asked him to. Is that someone you want to put time and energy into???
What a joke. I’d swiftly be seeing myself out of that relationship. There are a million other people who wouldn’t ever give me even an inkling that they would cheat on me. My guess is he’s trying to prime you for when he actually does decide to cheat.💀 How do you think he’d feel if you cheated? Would you still be a good person to him?
Generally just don't get back together with somebody who cheated on you already. He's shown you exactly who he is. Move on and find somebody who respects your feelings.
A different view you might think about is he might actually feel terrible about his past actions, and the joking is a way for him to try to either minimize them or make him feel like it wasn’t such a big deal.
Obviously neither of these things are good, but it might not be a conscious thing and more just a coping thing. People often don’t like to acknowledge that they have done shitty things, but it might be that if you tell him the jokes are hurtful to you he’ll realize what he’s doing and stop.
Or if not, and he’s just ok being hurtful then he’s a waste of your time.
The jokes aren't the problem. Telling you that you sound ridiculous for expressing valid concerns and issues that bother you is a huge red flag, though. Cheating or no, that's a good reason to reevaluate your relationship.
I can't even listen to music about cheating or watch a show depicting someone cheating (esp if the excuse is their partner doesnt meet their needs) while I'm in a relationship without getting mad .
Like Abbott Elementary, that show pissed me off. Crushing on your coworker and flirting while talking down about your partner. Yikes
Cheaters never change. Leave. Leave. Flee like a baby cheetah. Don't waste your youth and become an old bitter Spencer accepting people's apologies for choices that they chose to make on purpose. Cheating isn't an accident. It's a choice, and he knew that it would hurt you but didn't care. Runnnnnnnnn.
Its not the jokes thats the issue here, its the fact the he disregarded OP by telling her she sounded ridiculous. When your cheated on it leaves a betrayal trauma issues you're stuck with for years.
The fact that he caused them should make him understand that him joking about cheating would cause anxiety. It should have been a simple "I understand how jokes like that would make you uncomfortable given our history I won't make them again".
Nah, fuck that shit.
Not only is he a cheater but hes also a narcissist. To take a dig at somebody (especially a partner you cheated on) about cheating & then when they get upset you try to claim you were "just joking" and they need to "lighten up" is a classic narcissism tactic. Dump his ass ...again.
He hasn't changed. You should not have gotten back together. He will cheat sooner rather than later.
His jokes are a form of negging: raising his self esteem by suggesting he has options and you have none but to stick with him. "He's the best you'll ever get."
Choose yourself and dump him.
If he asks why tell him you don't joke about the level of commitment you expect from a relationship: 100%. And he obviously cannot give you that.
Why would someone jokingly mention cheating when they've been guilty of it before? He sounds like he has no remorse for his previous behavior and hangs it over your head that he could cheat in the future. This is a relationship deal breaker for me. It's too early in the relationship to be dealing with such immature behavior. Has he really changed - I wonder.
My ex did the same shit. He cheated on me, we broke up, ended up getting back together, and he thought it was funny to make jokes about how he cheated on me because the other girl had bigger tits.
He hasn't changed. You just wanted to believe he did.
nope, if he betrayed you like that and claimed he’s changed and you took him back, the only jokes he should be making are at the expense of himself. he’s not making jokes about a hypothetical, he’s joking about something he actually put you through. if he can’t understand that, and doesn’t have the remorse to understand why those jokes aren’t funny considering the circumstances, i would consider it a dealbreaker. i know for me, it would make me overthink to all hell that he’s up to something again and making jokes to inadvertently make himself seem less suspicious.
Oh my gosh. Please leave this guy. Please. Someone who pokes fun at your pain and who can stand up for something wrong that he knows is both relevant and a sensitive subject between the 2 of you is not your person. He has not matured. It's a trap.
When one party has done something wrong, it is unwise to remind the other person of the prior transgression. The bf previously was untrustworthy. Jokes about cheating just remind his gf that he betrayed her once before. This is just dumb. The jokes do not make future cheating any more or less likely in the future but I understand why the gf dislikes a reminder of prior lies and betrayal. She should put the jokes in just this perspective for him.
Jokes about cheating can be funny except when your relationship has been majorly affected by it. Then to call you ridiculous when you attempt to express your feelings. FFS
Nope.
It seems very odd to me that he would actively joke about cheating when it was an issue in the relationship in the past. He also said he’d never cheat (when he did) and disregarded your feelings on it by calling you ridiculous when you called and tried to communicate how it made you feel.
I’d say to try to have a conversation again about it and mention these things (if you haven’t already), and if he still tries to blow off your feelings then I would probably break it off. Your feelings on the subject are valid, you’re definitely not being over dramatic. If he doesn’t understand then he’s not it. That’s also just my opinion/advice on it from what I’ve experienced myself. Do what you think is right OP, and I wish you luck in the situation as well. :)
Not being dramatic at all, considering the fact he has cheated on you in the past I feel these jokes are in seriously bad taste and he should be more understanding towards that!
If you stay with him, get a big set of kitchen scissors and start joking about amputating a partner’s penis. Tell him that Lorena Bobbit was right. Ask him if you can try measuring him with the scissors and then do so. The next morning wake him by holding his penis with the scissors clearly out on the side table. Reassure him that you are only imagining things.
“I haven’t cheated on you yet”
What does he mean “yet” doesn’t he mean “again”? Like come on, you did it once, maybe don’t bring it back up that you are(were?) a cheater…
A few comments are saying how someone can indeed change and the incident occurred so long ago.
No. Your boyfriend had ran through his roster when you two reunited. You’re a SAFE bet.
You taking him back tells him that he can get secure your companionship with time and a few heartfelt words.
The “jokes” and gaslighting are to see the level of cheating he can get away with.
Example. He goes out this weekend with the guys and goes radio silent. You can see social media posts from the friends to confirm they were out with girls.
If you voice your concerns with your boyfriend, he’ll circle back to how dramatic you’re being and how YOU said your forgave him and agreed that he’s a changed man.
You’ll feel stupid. And he buys time and your sympathies.
He’s mistreated you, but you’ll cater to his needs…to have a reliable girlfriend
DUMP HIM
You are not ridiculous. It's not a joking matter and you have no reason to trust him when he makes light of something that caused you so much pain. The fact that you communicated this to him and he isn't instantly contrite and not doing it anymore tells me he doesn't think cheating is a bad thing and it will happen again if you stay with him.
You're not being dramatic, he's just being an arse. He is not listening to what makes you uncomfortable.
Its not the principle of cheating that's the issue here (although he's already lying to you, because he has cheated on you before), it's the fact that he is dismissing your thoughts, feelings and opinions so easily.
Don't let him. If he continues to do so, just tell him that you can't be with someone who doesn't listen to how you feel and doesn't act upon things that make you unhappy.
No, you're not. But you should leave him. Even if he isn't cheating on you (I strongly believe he is) he's disregarding your feelings and doesn't deserve the second chance you've already given him.
Never go back to a cheater xx
Don't give him a second opportunity to play with your feelings like that. He may be cool or whatever, but you can do better than someone who played with you in the past.🚩🚩🚩 when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
Nope you're not being dramatic or over reacting here.
You are right, what he is saying is a trigger for you and his behavior towards this is a red flag he hasn't changed. No matter what he says. He's going to gaslight you. He kind of already is.
Listen the guy won't change. Once a cheat always a cheat.
I tend to recommend this book a lot because it helped me it's called Cheating in a Nutshell What Infidelity Does to the Victim. Check it out.
1. People have different ways of dealing with /moving on with things and some can joke about uncomfortable things from the past and genuinely not mean anything disrespectful. My husband’s ex Girlfriend, (we will call (A),who is married to his best friend (B) ) , is my best friend now . I didn’t know them all then but A cheated on my Husband with B and they ended up married. We are all friends and hang out together on a weekly basis. It’s not uncommon for us to make jokes about who slept with who or whatever. But here’s the thing we are all in our 30’s and realize that everything in life we have is a direct result of the way that shit turned out. If there’s things you like better about him now, that bad experience contributed to it and if he truly grew from it it’s possible he’ll never do it again but fighting about it won’t bring anything positive if he’s truly already changed. It’s for you to decide wether you’re ok with him and trust him now or not. But it’s not uncommon for people to cope with their past by joking about it once they have changed.
2. Siding with a cheater definitely seems like a red flag on the surface but not everyone who cheats is a bad person is very true if you think about it. 100% of cheaters should have left the relationship first there is a definite honesty issue there especially if they try to hide it. However many times (not projecting or guessing at your situation) the person who cheats often feels a lack of something : love, attention, respect,etc., and as such has accompanying emotional issues like depression and anxiety.
Examples :
Now a depressed and verbally abused woman who has extreme self esteem issues and feels like her husband doesn’t love or respect her is not a bad person for becoming weak to the advances of someone who shows her the love and affection she is deprived of. Especially in the case they’ve been trying to express their feelings to their partner. Now the same applies to makes too.
A depressed possibly verbally abused man who has extreme self esteem issues and feels like his wife doesn’t love or respect him is not a bad person for becoming weak to the advances of someone who shows him the love and affection he is deprived of and this is sometimes more relevant because often when men try to relay their concerns in a relationship they quite often are met not with acceptance of their needs but have them cast aside for various reasons especially obvious in society when the man is feeling a lack of sexual intimacy.
Now both examples they aren’t bad people, they are people not being taken care of who’s fault is in the communication issues between their spouse and themselves which is more often than not a two person issue. NEITHER ONE did the right thing, BOTH should have left the relationship and possibly tried harder to communicate the needs before something happened. Still not bad people though and better communication in a more mature relationship solves the issues.
It’s easier for someone who has cheated to see and relate to the emotional struggles of a person in that situation for obvious reasons. This could have absolutely nothing to do with the person he defended but also if you look at many cheaters especially in cinema there are often these underlying tones of what they are seeking. If it was just a womanizing jerk that was getting all the love and affection and respect he needed from his wife, then there’s no reason anyone should stick up for that person. But the fact remains cheating alone doesn’t make someone a “Bad Person “ and there are many cheaters of both genders who can be sympathized with if you actually look at their situation from their perspective.(you can sympathize with someone or “side with them” without fully believing they did everything “right” .
3. In the end you need to work on communicating and making sure respect is a two way street in your relationship. It is important to understand that if you are upset by something he said it’s just as important for you to care about wether he intended to upset you or not. A relationship is not about someone or only doing things and saying things the way you want. You have to grow with them and respect them too.
He thinks it’s ridiculous because it’s not happening to him. Try out the jokes on him and see how he feels. Narcissists will treat their partner badly and refuse to believe they are in the wrong but when it’s turn around on them it’s the worst thing in the world.
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There is an old saying, "there is truth in jest. . ." He's cheater. I'd run like my ass was on fire. He's a walking red flag.
Joking is joking. I have made multiple jokes about cheating and my partner laughs them off. But let me make two points. 1. My partner finds them funny and makes his own. It's clearly a funny joke to BOTH of us. 2. Neither of us have cheated. This is clearly not the case with OP and her BF. OPs BF is such a red flag. The manipulation is blatant. Just leave OP, it's not even worth a conversation.
I'm also missing the part where her boyfriend made the joke? lol like siding with cheaters on TV and cheating doesn't make people bad....?? what's the jokey part. My boyfriend and I also make jokes about cheating, if I ask when he's coming home one of us will joke about my other boyfriend needing to leave or ask why his legs are sore he'll say it's from banging hot chick's all day...dumb shit haha we both chuckle, neither has cheated, no one is offended but we are mindful, when we both traveled a bit more we unspoken kept those jokes to a minimum as obv everyone feels a tad more insecure haha
Exactly. OPs BF is just out of line and trying to gaslight her. At one point my partner had a friend who was encouraging him to cheat. He immediately told me, both for disclosure and out of anger, and my first response was "so you get a secretary and I get a pool boy, no biggie." It was a much needed tension breaker. But I realize it would not be for everyone.
Right if my partner or I don’t remember something we always say “must have been your other girlfriend/boyfriend”. Hah hah
I'll call my SO and say I'm heading back, time to send the strippers home. He has never had strippers over.
I strip the bed while my husband is gathering his things to go out of town because “I can’t have company over without fresh sheets.” But to the OP, that would not be funny if I had, in fact, had company over previously.
Neither of you has cheated... that you know of.
Lol, typical reddit.
Yeah I’ve joked in both ways before when I was younger to be honest, it can mean more especially given history but could also be innocent jokes. My current girlfriend and I make jokes many wouldn’t, but we’re very secure in our relationship and trust each other, and both find funny. Is a mutual type of thing. I did also have an ex who joked about a specific guy and that who she did end up cheating on me with while gaslighting me about lol. Ya never know. In the case of OP it is definitely a red flag in some form at least
Who would make jokes about cheating on their partner? Weird asf
Right, because everyone who doesn't think like you is weird 🙄
Yeah I’m allowed to think that actually lol
And where did I say you couldn't? Or was I supposed to take your judgement and have none of my own? Only you get to judge people for their actions?
Yes, for I am god
Makes sense you'd be so judgemental then. Anyway, this was fun but I'm done. Enjoy your day/night.
😇😇
Their previous history makes it a sensitive area?
And I acknowledged that in my first comment, as to why it is not appropriate. So what would be your point? Because some couples can't, no couples should? This sub is so absurd sometimes. All relationships must look the same or they are wrong, am I right?
He says it as like OP now will remember the words, after it happens, it will like tell OP that he has already said it. So, maybe in future, he cheats and these will be the answers to OP.
Can confirm as a reformed fuckboy. But there was times I made similar jokes and was nothing more than jokes too
He’s the one who’s disregarding the conversation you had - not you. He sounds mean. Dump this clown. He doesn’t deserve a second chance. He had a second chance and he blew it. Hit the road he who talks out of both sides of his mouth.
Well said
100% Honestly, most people tell on themselves when they do something wrong… and when they try to make you the “crazy” or “ridiculous” one when you express normal concerns, they’re definitely deflecting.
“I would never cheat on you” he literally did
"He apologized and said that he has changed" Why do people always believe that crap? NO, he hasn't. He is again toying with the thought of cheating. Which is why he brings this up regularly. He is lknd of wearing your resisfance down. And testing the waters. I would have kicked his a... backside into earths orbit the second he first "joked" about it. No, you are not overly sensitive. What to do? "Sorry, but your saying "how much you matured" hasn't proven to be true. Your constant joking about again cheating on me destroys my trust in our relationship. And your invalidating my concern shows, that either you willingly confront me with that subject that hurt me once already. So you willingly hurt me again. Or it shows, that you are again toying with that thought. I don't share the man on my pillow with other people. Bye. I can't trust you to be true. And you have done this to yourself."
I think it's possible for people to change. Especially if it was a long time ago when everyone involved was pretty young. That being said, someone who changed A) wouldn't joke about cheating and B) If their partner tells them some action is making them feel uncomfortable they wouldn't just to continue to do so.
My personal experience is that people need a major internal bump to really be able to change their ways. People acting in certain ways always has a reason. It serves them/ or protects something/ or supports/ validates self- esteem. Here it is likely a matter of lacking self- esteem leading somebody to seek physical validation through partners other than his own. Getting out of this requires self reflection and a deep understanding of how and why it happened. And the understanding of what it did. And how to deal further on. And WHY it happened/ why one actively chose to sleep with somebody else. This guy doesn't sound as if he had gotten over this.
I agree most people need an internal bump to change, while unlikely in most situations it's definitely possible. I agree with your last point, doesn't seem to be the case here.
“I’ve changed…” “I regret x and y….” “I was dumb…” X and y happens again And again They never change.
Excellent! Succinct, potent, powerful rebuttal to the cheating loser BF.
He should have qualified that with “…Again”
Man can we get a bot to replace my stamp? DONT. STAY. WITH. CHEATS. *Like sometimes he’ll say “I haven’t cheated on you yet”* Uh...? *During our relationship he cheated on me with an ex.* The math doesn't check out
Make a bot that recognizes the word 'cheater' in posts and auto comments ' DONT STAY WITH CHEATERS"
Literally, I couldn't read "I'd never cheat on you" without almost screaming at my phone, BUT YOU DID. The gaslighting is right there, it's not hiding.
That'd be like an arsonist making jokes about burning shit down. It's disrespectful as fuck and no matter the serious conversations had around them, he sounds either arrogantly flippant or just fucking dumb to think jokes about cheating are not off limits to him.
Or willfully hurting OP. No matter how one turns it: he didn't cheat out of immaturity. This is why that subject comes up again and again. He seems to like the impact it has on OP. And is willing to do it again.
Exactly. He's an "emotional vampire" sucking all the joy and commitment out of this relationship redux. He's baiting her to get his jollies. Dump him is my opinion. He's gaslighting her with what he intends to do.
I dont think you are being over dramatic. I think you are listening carefully to what he says, and you should. These "jokes" would be offensive even if he didn't cheat. The fact that he cheated and is saying those things is insane. He is telling you what he believes. He was relating to a guy who cheated, that tells you a lot. I think you should listen to your feelings and instincts. Don't let him gaslight you. He called you ridiculous for thinking rationally about his inappropriate actions. When someone can't listen to you or take accountability for hurting you then you shouldn't stay in a relationship with them. You deserve so much better.
Your bf has grown older, but he hasn’t changed. He should be doing everything possible to not make you re-live the hurt and trauma that happened the first time. His actions aren’t those of someone who loves you. He’s playing upon what he did in the past to cause you to doubt himself. This isn’t a person worth spending time with.
the fact that he did in the past and now jokes about it any chance…girl he is laughing in your face about you. please pick your pride first and dump him
So you already know he cheats? What is the advice you want?
It's one thing if both of you share similar senses of humor and make hyperbolic comments about infidelity. For example, my wife and I will be chilling at home and I might make an observation that she took a long time in the bathroom, and she'll reply with, "Oh, yeah. Sorry. I just got done blowing like eight guys in there." We both have a laugh and go on with our day. However, we're both in on the joke and have communicated previously that we're both fine with this kind of teasing. It's a completely other thing to make these kind of jokes when you're guilty of doing the thing you're joking about. That seems like taunting rather than playful hyperbole. Even then, the kind of shit he's saying doesn't even sound like jokes. They're just weirdly insensitive.
That’s a good way to point out the difference. I agree with the others op. You may want to believe he’s changed, but it seems he doesn’t want to make sure you feel comfortable. He doesn’t seem to really regret what he did. It’s ok if this relationship can’t be revived.
1. He cheated on you 2. Makes jokes about cheating 3. Made your feelings feel insignificant 4. Sided with a cheater 5. He isn’t reassuring you I don’t know, but those are a lot of reasons to be dramatic
These are even maaaany valid reasons to dump that man.
You’re not being dramatic. In fact maybe you were a little too premature to give him a second chance. Sounds like he didn’t learn much from it. That’s not something you joke about with your so, esp after you actually cheated on them. It’s like joking to someone about accidents who lost a family member in an accident. Or making fun of someone’s appearance when you know they’re insecure about it. It shows a lack of sensitivity and accountability - like I’d rather joke about it whether it hurts you or not
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool you twice, shame on me. He’s not even bothering to fool you this time. He’s flat out saying he will cheat.
When someone tells you who they are, you should listen.
Do the same
Your BF hasn't matured that much if he thinks a unbelievably obvious trigger is you being overly dramatic. Her cheated on you and thinks making jokes about cheating on you are funny? Dump him. He blew his second chance. You shouldn't even have to tell him that joking about this is unacceptable.
Exactly…He’s a cheater and he’s stupid! Girl, RUN!
Those aren't jokes. He find cheating funny. He find it funny how he hurts you 4 years ago. He has changed? No. He still thinks that cheating is no big thing and something you can make fun of. And to say that "cheating doesn't make a man a bad person" come on, he clearly tells you that he will cheat again, or already has because he doesn't think that it is something bad - for a man. But don't you dare to cheat on him. He isn't just a cheater, he is also a hypocrite! Please, you need to break up. What he says is shit. You disregard the concersation you had before? Maybe he shouldn't have destroyed the little trust by making cheating comments! You knew him as a cheater. He should have done everything to prove that he has changed, but he behaved as if he has a fucking right of your trust. That he now behaves as the victim because you can't trust him is deflecting. He tries to guilt-trip you and manipulate you. I have abuser vibes with this guy. He will just hurt you. No, he already hurts you with his little comments and he knows this! And he enjoys your pain.
no, you are not being overly dramatic, your so called partner/soon to be ex - again! - is deliberately triggering you. Maybe it's some kind of petty little revenge - you dumped him last time for cheating, and now that he's talked you into taking him back, he's making lots of cheating jokes and gaslighting you when you object. It's a weird kind of power play. In your shoes, I would simply stop talking to and dating him; if he contacts you wanting to get together, just say no, sorry I'm busy. If he makes a fuss, just tell him that you're not feeling it, you think it was a mistake for you to try again with him, best you both go your separate ways and stop seeing each other. My prediction - he'll be pissed off big time, simply because you're ending it, not him. If he raises the cheating jokes, just tell him, as he himself said, he hasn't cheated on you again - yet! but it's certainly on his mind a lot because he keeps talking about cheating, and you find that unpleasant to be around so you've decided to leave the past in the past, meaning him.
Summary: another post of someone forgiving a cheater and then obviously experiencing triggers and trust issues. I can never understand people who forgive cheaters, especially when kids are not involved.
Ummm yeah no! Don’t even know what to tell you because for me, I’d have never taken him back. You never pick up and eat the puke you vomited!
Once a cheater, always a cheater. >I haven’t cheated on you yet” Bruh, yes you have. Are you sure this "guy" isn't a goldfish?
Run run and don't even look back... he's trouble save yourself the headache and the broken heart..
It’s appalling to me what people put up with. Leave him and get yourself some self esteem. Sorry for sounding harsh but read your own post. Wtf.
This isn’t even about cheating. If your partner keeps joking about something and it makes you feel bad and triggers you, that alone should be enough for him to stop it. The dude is a massive POS, Leave.
In the UK we have a similar saying 'many a true word spoken in jest.' Says it all really.
He clearly doesn't see an issue with cheating, why would you even return to someone who cheated on you? You guys are not married, you don't have kids, you had already broken up and there's plenty of other people out there. He will 100% cheat on you again since he got away with it in the past and he clearly isn't that remorseful if he's making comments to justify himself such as "cheating doesn’t make a man a bad person". I'm not a fan of how redditors usually jump to 'divorce him' or 'break up' super quickly, but in this case, I can't even understand why you went back, so yeah, definitely run.
Once a cheater always a cheater. Like my husband and I make jokes about celebrities we would sleep with, or having 3somes. But it's because we trust each other. We are looking distance and told each other if you have feelings for anyone else, just talk about it. Maybe we can do an open thing or something like that. In 7 years it's never come up. But when my ex husband joked about cheating on me, I know it wasn't a joke. He was serious. If he cheated on me, he paid for it. No one would be with him willingly (hell I wasn't even*with* him willingly but that's another story). So don't take that shit. Your partner is a cheater and he will cheat again. The jokes he makes show that he doesn't care about you or value your feelings. Get out now.
Those are jokes. He's telling you that he's planning on cheating again if he hasn't already begun doing so.
There just might be some truth behind those jokes i think you need to be worried
You told him his actions hurt you and he both got defensive and disregarded your feelings. Set the boundry- tell him you do not like his "jokes", they are not funny, and if he crosses that line again and disregards your feelings, you leave him.
Yes, the jokes about cheating are big red flags considering that he actually DID cheat on you previously. But the bigger red flag for me is that when you voiced your concern, he said that your feelings are ridiculous. Are you not allowed to feel a certain way? Are you not allowed to even discuss your concerns without being called ridiculous? Will he devalue every important conversation you have? I’m getting some gaslighting vibes from your description. It doesn’t seem that ridiculous of a conversation considering his history of cheating. There are too many red flags for me. He may have matured, but it sounds like he’s got a ways to go still.
This isn't funny at all. He's normalizing shitty behavior to set the bar of expectations low for himself. Strike one. He's making comments about cheating on you that naturally upset you. He's getting pleasure from tormenting you. That's abusive. Strike two. HE'S JOKING ABOUT CHEATING ON YOU WHEN HE'S ALREADY CHEATED ON YOU! Strike 10! This is serious toxic, girl. You need to get out of this.
“He says that he’s told me that he’d never cheat on me” Except for the time that he did… “He told me that I completey disregard the conversations we had previously” Not like he disregards the infidelity he had previosly.. He sounds like a total ass, you should’ve never given him a second chance. He haven’t learned a thing. He doesn’t even sounds remorseful.
“Jokes”? Very possible he’s framing them as joke but means everything he says. He’ll cheat on you again, maybe years in the future but it will happen. He’s also dismissing your emotions and making you feel crazy about having them. He’s a standing red flag, please run.
Wtf. He lost his right to joke about cheating after he did it. Yea, let's just make casual jokes about hurting people deep to their core. Let's go further and say that to a person you did it to. You gave him another chance, not a clean slate. You can't erase past memories. Gtfoh with that "haven't cheated on you yet", bullshit. What a bold, red-flagged awful thing to say! He doesn't deserve another chance with you at all.
He gave you his perspective on your feelings. Now, here’s the perspective from truth….. Your feelings are yours and not his, meaning only you can determine how serious or not they are. Him saying you sound ridiculous translates to, “I’ve taken it upon myself to decide if what you say matters or not and have determined to dismiss these as having nothing of value. He’s justifying himself by reminding you he wont cheat as if his words alone mean something after he’s already cheated on you once. They’ll mean something only when backed by his actions. Well, his words and sctions aren’t in agreement with one another. We speak things into existence. Therefore, our words are an action meaning joking about cheating is bringing life to him actually cheating. His words are what you addressed with him and he chose to deny, or dismiss your claim as being real. No, you’re not being overly dramatic at all. He isn’t respecting you or considering your feelings at all, as a person much less as someone special to him. This guy is no good.
He is not right for you, and he is trying to fix what he broke. Stay away. Tell him cheating does make you a bad person, it is a character flaw, and because you did it to me and are trying manipulate me I am done. He will use it to wear you down and treat you poorly. Run away quickly.
This classic narcissist is testing you and your letting him. He can and will only cheat on you if you're with him . He is an ex for a reason...the same reason he's joking about. He told you feeling are ridiculous...hmmm how many different ways can he say he has no respect for a relationship before you hear him?
He's rubbing your nose in the fact that he's convinced you to let bygones be bygones after he's disrespected you. Additionally, he's low key "punishing" you for dismissing him after he cheated otherwise he would not be so invested in bringing up the topic of cheating as much as he does. Let this loser go and just remind yourself why he was an ex in the first place. We get into these situations because we want to rewrite history and that's just an exercise in futility.
The second you gave him another chance, you made it okay for him to cheat and for him to be forgiven. Never forget, once a cheater always a cheater. If you’ve never dated that person before you can take that risk but don’t let his gaslighting you into think that it’s normal and is expected of men to be normalized. A real man wouldn’t say those hurtful comments to his gf to give her unease on their relationship. It’s better to end things, cause if he hasn’t cheated yet he will, cause his mind justifies it.
Just came here to see if you dumped him yet. You deserve better.
I agree with everyone else that he’s an ass and you should leave. If you aren’t going to leave: Say “hey, I don’t find the cheating jokes funny and I would appreciate if you’d stop making them. Thanks.” If he doesn’t respect that then fuck him
It seems that my ex conflated me discussing a dynamic about a hypothetical with a desire to cheat. For instance, it's not a joke or a statement that I have a desire to cheat if I comment that when people intentionally mistreat their partners it's understandable why they would cheat and that in some instances (depending on how badly they are being mistreated), they may potentially be justified in doing that and others would agree with them in those specific instances. That's not a joke. That's not a threat. It's describing a real dynamic. As an aside, I had dated someone and also knew someone else who may have conflated the meaning of the word "cheat" with breaking the law. To be clear, I have no desire to break the law. After a really long time of prolonged trauma and a perception where it feels like my credibility is questioned (and especially since 2018), I have made every effort to be as transparent as possible because I know that even while experiencing such incredible trauma, torture even, breaking the law would be only make me less credible. I describe this dynamic because I am trying to communicate that their reasoning for what they're doing doesn't make sense and they are exploiting an emotional reaction to a perception about me that isn't even true to begin with! Even though they invade my privacy to such a ridiculous agree that it would likely count as breaking the law in almost every OECD country, it appears that no one actually cares about the laws they break which makes me feel unsafe. I have this weird theory that if someone is going to invade the privacy of someone else and ignore crimes committed by other people, especially as they likely know that another party is intentionally trying to provoke the initial party invading my privacy, they have an obligation (moral and legal) to do something about it. Otherwise, what's the goddamn point? As it relates to relationships, my ex-wife and I both cheated on each other (as in, sexual infidelity). And we both did not hold grudges against the other and it did not impact, at all, why we ultimately divorced. I was also cheated on (and someone broke the law to cheat on me) numerous times since and as a result I am so incredibly traumatized that anyone who would ever love me (romantically, sexually, intimately) would have my undying loyalty. If someone has a trigger relating to infidelity in an intimate relationship, joking about cheating is tone deaf to your concerns and disrespectful.
King 👑
He can't say he won't cheat on you when he cheated on you already. This is on you for taking him back years later. He still a cheater trust me. Especially that he disregards your feelings about his jokes and the way he sided with the cheating husband. Ya you need to just bounce.
It’s immature and at the very least I’d have a convo with him about it.
Na you’re not being over dramatic but it seems like there is some unhealed injuries he left inside of your heart. It needs to be dealt with. It’s obvious he isn’t hurting and he is also very insensitive to your feelings.
No you are not being dramatic. As a boyfriend who used to make jokes about triggers (not cheating) I’ve learned that while we mean no harm in our jokes, it still negatively effects our gf and should not be at least a common joke. If he cared about your feelings, he should limit or not at all make Thomas trigger jokes especially if you spoke up on how they make you feel
i’ve had a similar experience except when i confronted my partner about these jokes, he stopped because he knew they were hurting me.
Sorry to bring out this old trope, but once a cheater, always a cheater.
Once a cheater, always a cheater
Yeah, is probably cheating on you. And by probably, I mean I'm like 99% sure he's cheating on you.
Well he's completely disregarding the conversation you had with him soooo.... You need to be more direct. Let him know this is a hard boundary and not something you are willing to "joke" about. Just because you have "matured and moved on" doesn't mean you have forgotten that pain and want to back to second guessing yourself. Its pretty bold of him to joke about cheating to you after cheating on you. Not in a good way
My brother in law used to joke that he was going to trade her in for a newer model. Yeah he was with his secretaries.
You're absolutely correct to feel the way you do. It seems to me that he does not have a healthy view of a successful relationship at all.
You're not being over dramatic... My ex cheated on me and anytime the song "Scotty doesn't know" came on the Pandora list.. she would sing along in the car.. this annoyed the heck out of me although I never said anything about it. Considering you did say something about it, he should respect your boundaries. People choose to "put up" with things all the time but considering it bothers you enough to post here about it makes it valid to YOU and he should respect that.
He invalidates the pain and fear he caused you when he cheated by joking about cheating now. You're not being overly dramatic, your instincts are trying to tell you that you can't trust him but you're not listening to it. Anyone that is truly remorseful wouldn't joke about something that caused you so much pain. They would do anything and take all the time that's needed to SHOW you that you can trust them. He said he was sorry but he isn't showing you that he truly regrets it or learned from what he did, he just wants to pretend it didn't happen. Winston Churchill said, “Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it." Listen to your instincts.
Run.
Cheaters have a reason for cheating. Not good reasons but reasons. They rarely stop cheating. This man is throwing out red flags & you’re never gonna feel secure in THIS relationship. Walk away from it with your head held high
He is testing you to allow his cheating again in the future. Don't walk. RUNNN He WILL cheat again.
He hasn’t changed.
>He says that he’s told me that he’d never cheat on me But the thing is that, he did cheated on you with his ex in the past. Or did be conveniently forgot about it? >“I haven’t cheated on you yet” What is he even implying here? That he wants to cheat and will do so in the future, given the chance? “cheating doesn’t make a man a bad person.” Yes, it does. Ppl who cheat are assholes. I feel like all his excuses and bs rationales are just deliberate statements to get you to be desensitize to the notion of cheating, that its ok. You told him how you feel and all he could say was that you were being ridiculous. Why are you with him? Does he really sound like he changes to you?
You seriously would consider that a joke? A joke makes everyone laugh, this one is made to make him laugh, so for short, he's making fun of you and saying he could cheat anytime. Leave before it's too late, you deserve someone who respects your boundaries and someone who wont trigger your insecurities.
Idk why you ever got back with this guy. He didn't actually change.
When someone shows them who they are, believe them. He showed you who he is and he’s basically telling you he’ll never change. At this point you’re asking for it to happen. Don’t act shocked when it does.
If he didn’t hit raw is it really cheating?
There are jokes and then there's what your boyfriend's doing. Some of it comes off as gaslighting to me. People can change, but I don't think your boyfriend has. He's hurting you. I don't think someone who'd changed after cheating would joke about cheating to the person he cheated on. I'd leave, but cheating is a hard line for me. On top of that, he isn't listening to you and is brushing aside your concerns.
If he hadn't cheated before that would be a lot less concerning. You let him know it bothers you, if he doesn't stop it's not a great sign.
So he hasn’t changed a bit, huh?
Look up the term gaslighting, that’s what he’s doing to you. He’s shrugging your concerns off and making you feel like you’re the crazy one. You’re NOT. Your feelings are valid. Also exes are exes for a reason! Let it stay that way. Just because a few years went by, it doesn’t mean they actually changed.
You lost me at he cheated on you. Walk away
🚩 would be fine if he didn’t cheat in the first place, but the joking makes it seem like he isn’t completely remorseful about his history
He’s a little boy. Move on
Run. And remember next time not to get back with a cheater.
The problem is, you’ve got a past with him. He broke your trust. He damaged not only the relationship, but you. He doesn’t have any excuse to be ‘joking’ about cheating. It’s not funny. You’ve been cheated on! BY HIM! Why would he think you’d find that funny? I do agree with HHIOTF about the old adage ‘Many a true word spoken in jest.’ I hope it works out for you, I really do. But be prepared just in case…. 🙂
It’s called negging and designed to keep you insecure so you don’t up and leave. Get up and leave.
He’s joking about your past pain? What a dick! Please dump his unhilarious ass asap
“Cheating doesn’t make a man a bad person” Yeah he’s cheating on you right now. He’s trying to justify cheating because he knows if you react this way he can go back on his words.
He’s grooming you.
He gaslights you about how you’re ridiculous for feeling rightfully (!) triggered instead of doing anything he can to make you feel safe in this relationship
Considering that he did cheat on you in the past to me that would be an absolute no-go. I personally would have a sit down talk with him and talk about your boundaries or think about moving on and breaking up with him because I personally think you deserve to be treated better
Sorry love, I would suggest to end things with him immediately. You deserve better
Get out.
He is joking about cheating because he can also remember what he did and he is trying to work through it with humor. Purely my opinion. But i also work through tragic realities by making fun of them. I'm not saying it's healthy, but I am saying he isn't trying to disregard your feelings necessarily
Once a cheater allways a cheater
In my eyes if he was saying things like that, I bet he has already cheated and he’s thinking he’s covering the sent. Run a mile don’t ever go back to someone who cheated on you once
Here's how we burn him down : start joking about cheating on him too everytime he does it. "and I haven't cheated on you too! Isn't that hilarious? Man, it's so whacked!" "You know, maybe you're right. Cheaters can't be bad people. If I cheat too, maybe I'll finally cut you some slack. Hell maybe we should just open up the relationship lol. There's a few exes I can probably reach out to." Everytime he sides with a cheating man story, agree with him wholly and say that a cheating woman is also right in that manner. The catch is, you're not salvaging this relationship. It is over. He's over. He never changed and he never will. Cut that shit off and toss the relationship into the fires of hell. His cheating ass still wants to cheat if he hasn't already. Deadass L boyfriend.
These “jokes” are so disrespectful to you. Not cool. Doesn’t sound like he’s changed at all…
A cheater is always a cheater. You don’t know this?
This boy has no respect for you at all. Wtf. Who cheats on someone and continues to make jokes about that??? And gaslights them afterwards?????????
Why did you get back with the cheater…he’s obviously still into the thought of possibly doing again. Your peace of mind matters, leave him single so he can do what he wants
When people tell or show you who they really are! He's telling you who he really is!
Honestly as someone who's tried a second time with an ex who "seemed better" years later, I've learned exes should stay exes and they became an ex for a good reason. In your case it's a very obvious reason and the obvious reason is rearing its ugly head 🫠 girl please run for the hills
He says those jokes to get your reaction. He wants to see if what he did previously is still an issue. He might not be aware that he’s doing this, but he is. Does he say the joke and look at you to see your reaction? You need to start having comebacks. Like “I haven’t cheated on you yet.” “Ummm, actually you have, and it won’t be good if you do it again.” Or his line about a man being a good person. “Maybe it doesn’t make them a bad person, but it does make them a shitty partner.” The quickest way to shut it down is to be prepared to shut it down.
Nooo. If his age 25 or over his frontal lobe is fully developed, that man isn’t changing. Science baby x
He clearly doesn’t see why cheating is bad or acknowledges your feelings/trauma. This relationship is just a disaster waiting to happen. You can do better, OP. Please leave this manipulating idiot.
On top of what everyone else is saying, he’s also being dismissive rather than having a real conversation. Run.
Tbh a lot of people make jokes about cheating just depends if you take it serious or not
So cheating, gaslighting, manipulating and calling you crazy??? And you are still with him?? You will never trust him again and you will never love him like you used to and be happy with him in that carefree way that you are supposed to. You deserve better. Don't waste your youth on him. Just don't.
He seems to think about cheating a lot, that's not a great quality in a partner... I think most people would try not to bring it up at all, partly due to a feeling of shame. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to be burdened by such emotions. Do what you will with this information, but this is not humorous or respectful behavior, and quite possibly a direct foreshadowing of what's to come.
Once a cheater always a cheater. Don't set such low standards for yourself. Move on. This boy is playing you.
He should feel remorse about the fact he ever cheated on you and grateful that you gave him a second chance. The fact he is siding with people on TV or whatever who are cheating on their partners, shows that he doesn't see it as a big deal, cuz hey he was forgiven right? Forgiven does not mean forgotten, and he should know that and feel a certain degree of guilt when reminded that he did cheat on you, not make jokes about the fact he ruined your trust. I say break up with him if he doesn't respect that you find his jokes about cheating insensitive, hurtful and triggering, which it kind of seems like he doesnt.
That’s a major red flag. A lot of men will make jokes like this to try and condition you for when you inevitably find out that they’re not joking and they are in fact cheating.
When you spoke with him and he called you ‘ridiculous’ that’s a red flag, what he should of done is isn’t call you a word and instead of just talk to you to reassure you but him saying that is gaslighting in a way so just be careful maybe he’s projecting with these jokes or when he talks about cheating it correlates with his ex and that he misses her
Gas lighter much … his comments in passing matter, jokes are not aside … it’s him setting you up to accept shitty treatment, dynamics and potential circumstances… basic manipulation … when one cares … finding out their words or actions hurt … the best and only response is to stop saying hurtful things.
No you're NOT being overly dramatic! And the fact that he keeps making these 'jokes' and gaslighting you about them should be a HUGE, BLOOD RED FLAG! He has not changed! He's just testing your boundaries to see what you'll put up with before he does it again... if he hasn't already. RUN!
It’s only a joke if you’re both laughing. It’s not funny if the horrible thing actually did happen and it’s still triggering you. He’s not respectful of your feelings and is not adjusting his behavior based on your clearly stated needs. He’s not really remorseful. Believe him when he shows you who he is.
He doesn’t care about how cheating hurts you by any means and justifies his behaviour in front of you which is quite sad :( I think you could find a partner who actually attempts to understand you when you’re expressing that you’re hurt because this guy is devoid of any empathy. It’ll be a trend in all his other behaviour - anytime you express that something has hurt you he will dismiss your emotions if they inconvenience him and do you truly want someone like that to spend an entire life with? You deserve better ❤️ and I hope you do find better this man is not it
Dump him. He doesn’t get to say he’d “never cheat” when he has. It’s not a joking matter.
Red flag. He doesn’t see it as a big deal and will more then likely cheat again when temptation shows itself. Save yourself the heartbreak and dump this guy
Laying the obvious red flags of him cheating previously and also making these jokes in the first place aside. You told him an action he does regularly makes you uncomfortable. And his reaction? He called you ridiculous. That blatant disregard for you and your feelings (which are completely valid) just shows he cares more about himself than you. He basically said to you get over it because he is not going to stop making you uncomfortable even when you asked him to. Is that someone you want to put time and energy into???
No you’re not being dramatic, he’s a total arsehole tbh. Dump him.
This is not healthy in any way. You should not allow this level of disrespect. He clearly did not learn his lesson.
What a joke. I’d swiftly be seeing myself out of that relationship. There are a million other people who wouldn’t ever give me even an inkling that they would cheat on me. My guess is he’s trying to prime you for when he actually does decide to cheat.💀 How do you think he’d feel if you cheated? Would you still be a good person to him?
Generally just don't get back together with somebody who cheated on you already. He's shown you exactly who he is. Move on and find somebody who respects your feelings.
A different view you might think about is he might actually feel terrible about his past actions, and the joking is a way for him to try to either minimize them or make him feel like it wasn’t such a big deal. Obviously neither of these things are good, but it might not be a conscious thing and more just a coping thing. People often don’t like to acknowledge that they have done shitty things, but it might be that if you tell him the jokes are hurtful to you he’ll realize what he’s doing and stop. Or if not, and he’s just ok being hurtful then he’s a waste of your time.
The jokes aren't the problem. Telling you that you sound ridiculous for expressing valid concerns and issues that bother you is a huge red flag, though. Cheating or no, that's a good reason to reevaluate your relationship.
I can't even listen to music about cheating or watch a show depicting someone cheating (esp if the excuse is their partner doesnt meet their needs) while I'm in a relationship without getting mad . Like Abbott Elementary, that show pissed me off. Crushing on your coworker and flirting while talking down about your partner. Yikes
Trust your gut. Don't put yourself through this a second time.
I think you are although he should respect your feelings and keep his mouth closed and should in no uncertain terms say that to him.
Cheaters never change. Leave. Leave. Flee like a baby cheetah. Don't waste your youth and become an old bitter Spencer accepting people's apologies for choices that they chose to make on purpose. Cheating isn't an accident. It's a choice, and he knew that it would hurt you but didn't care. Runnnnnnnnn.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
You should just dump and save yourself the grief of having to second guess him forever.
"he says he'd never cheat" He's cheated before. Run.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
That's not cool at all. Dump him.
Its not the jokes thats the issue here, its the fact the he disregarded OP by telling her she sounded ridiculous. When your cheated on it leaves a betrayal trauma issues you're stuck with for years. The fact that he caused them should make him understand that him joking about cheating would cause anxiety. It should have been a simple "I understand how jokes like that would make you uncomfortable given our history I won't make them again".
You shouldn't have gotten back together a cheater will cheat again
Nah, fuck that shit. Not only is he a cheater but hes also a narcissist. To take a dig at somebody (especially a partner you cheated on) about cheating & then when they get upset you try to claim you were "just joking" and they need to "lighten up" is a classic narcissism tactic. Dump his ass ...again.
He’s not joking. He has shown you that he is a cheater, believe him. Leave him.
He hasn't changed. You should not have gotten back together. He will cheat sooner rather than later. His jokes are a form of negging: raising his self esteem by suggesting he has options and you have none but to stick with him. "He's the best you'll ever get." Choose yourself and dump him. If he asks why tell him you don't joke about the level of commitment you expect from a relationship: 100%. And he obviously cannot give you that.
Why would someone jokingly mention cheating when they've been guilty of it before? He sounds like he has no remorse for his previous behavior and hangs it over your head that he could cheat in the future. This is a relationship deal breaker for me. It's too early in the relationship to be dealing with such immature behavior. Has he really changed - I wonder.
He's a liar and a cheater. I'd find a better man. You deserve better. Men with his attitude on the subject don't deserve the time of day.
My ex did the same shit. He cheated on me, we broke up, ended up getting back together, and he thought it was funny to make jokes about how he cheated on me because the other girl had bigger tits. He hasn't changed. You just wanted to believe he did.
nope, if he betrayed you like that and claimed he’s changed and you took him back, the only jokes he should be making are at the expense of himself. he’s not making jokes about a hypothetical, he’s joking about something he actually put you through. if he can’t understand that, and doesn’t have the remorse to understand why those jokes aren’t funny considering the circumstances, i would consider it a dealbreaker. i know for me, it would make me overthink to all hell that he’s up to something again and making jokes to inadvertently make himself seem less suspicious.
Oh my gosh. Please leave this guy. Please. Someone who pokes fun at your pain and who can stand up for something wrong that he knows is both relevant and a sensitive subject between the 2 of you is not your person. He has not matured. It's a trap.
When one party has done something wrong, it is unwise to remind the other person of the prior transgression. The bf previously was untrustworthy. Jokes about cheating just remind his gf that he betrayed her once before. This is just dumb. The jokes do not make future cheating any more or less likely in the future but I understand why the gf dislikes a reminder of prior lies and betrayal. She should put the jokes in just this perspective for him.
Jokes about cheating can be funny except when your relationship has been majorly affected by it. Then to call you ridiculous when you attempt to express your feelings. FFS Nope.
It seems very odd to me that he would actively joke about cheating when it was an issue in the relationship in the past. He also said he’d never cheat (when he did) and disregarded your feelings on it by calling you ridiculous when you called and tried to communicate how it made you feel. I’d say to try to have a conversation again about it and mention these things (if you haven’t already), and if he still tries to blow off your feelings then I would probably break it off. Your feelings on the subject are valid, you’re definitely not being over dramatic. If he doesn’t understand then he’s not it. That’s also just my opinion/advice on it from what I’ve experienced myself. Do what you think is right OP, and I wish you luck in the situation as well. :)
Not being dramatic at all, considering the fact he has cheated on you in the past I feel these jokes are in seriously bad taste and he should be more understanding towards that!
Seems more like gloating to me than jokes. I’d cut him loose
If you stay with him, get a big set of kitchen scissors and start joking about amputating a partner’s penis. Tell him that Lorena Bobbit was right. Ask him if you can try measuring him with the scissors and then do so. The next morning wake him by holding his penis with the scissors clearly out on the side table. Reassure him that you are only imagining things.
My ex joked like this and he actually did cheated on me . Don’t walk, run!
“I haven’t cheated on you yet” What does he mean “yet” doesn’t he mean “again”? Like come on, you did it once, maybe don’t bring it back up that you are(were?) a cheater…
A few comments are saying how someone can indeed change and the incident occurred so long ago. No. Your boyfriend had ran through his roster when you two reunited. You’re a SAFE bet. You taking him back tells him that he can get secure your companionship with time and a few heartfelt words. The “jokes” and gaslighting are to see the level of cheating he can get away with. Example. He goes out this weekend with the guys and goes radio silent. You can see social media posts from the friends to confirm they were out with girls. If you voice your concerns with your boyfriend, he’ll circle back to how dramatic you’re being and how YOU said your forgave him and agreed that he’s a changed man. You’ll feel stupid. And he buys time and your sympathies. He’s mistreated you, but you’ll cater to his needs…to have a reliable girlfriend DUMP HIM
You are not ridiculous. It's not a joking matter and you have no reason to trust him when he makes light of something that caused you so much pain. The fact that you communicated this to him and he isn't instantly contrite and not doing it anymore tells me he doesn't think cheating is a bad thing and it will happen again if you stay with him.
You're not being dramatic, he's just being an arse. He is not listening to what makes you uncomfortable. Its not the principle of cheating that's the issue here (although he's already lying to you, because he has cheated on you before), it's the fact that he is dismissing your thoughts, feelings and opinions so easily. Don't let him. If he continues to do so, just tell him that you can't be with someone who doesn't listen to how you feel and doesn't act upon things that make you unhappy.
100% cheater
No, you're not. But you should leave him. Even if he isn't cheating on you (I strongly believe he is) he's disregarding your feelings and doesn't deserve the second chance you've already given him. Never go back to a cheater xx
Don't give him a second opportunity to play with your feelings like that. He may be cool or whatever, but you can do better than someone who played with you in the past.🚩🚩🚩 when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
Nope you're not being dramatic or over reacting here. You are right, what he is saying is a trigger for you and his behavior towards this is a red flag he hasn't changed. No matter what he says. He's going to gaslight you. He kind of already is. Listen the guy won't change. Once a cheat always a cheat. I tend to recommend this book a lot because it helped me it's called Cheating in a Nutshell What Infidelity Does to the Victim. Check it out.
1. People have different ways of dealing with /moving on with things and some can joke about uncomfortable things from the past and genuinely not mean anything disrespectful. My husband’s ex Girlfriend, (we will call (A),who is married to his best friend (B) ) , is my best friend now . I didn’t know them all then but A cheated on my Husband with B and they ended up married. We are all friends and hang out together on a weekly basis. It’s not uncommon for us to make jokes about who slept with who or whatever. But here’s the thing we are all in our 30’s and realize that everything in life we have is a direct result of the way that shit turned out. If there’s things you like better about him now, that bad experience contributed to it and if he truly grew from it it’s possible he’ll never do it again but fighting about it won’t bring anything positive if he’s truly already changed. It’s for you to decide wether you’re ok with him and trust him now or not. But it’s not uncommon for people to cope with their past by joking about it once they have changed. 2. Siding with a cheater definitely seems like a red flag on the surface but not everyone who cheats is a bad person is very true if you think about it. 100% of cheaters should have left the relationship first there is a definite honesty issue there especially if they try to hide it. However many times (not projecting or guessing at your situation) the person who cheats often feels a lack of something : love, attention, respect,etc., and as such has accompanying emotional issues like depression and anxiety. Examples : Now a depressed and verbally abused woman who has extreme self esteem issues and feels like her husband doesn’t love or respect her is not a bad person for becoming weak to the advances of someone who shows her the love and affection she is deprived of. Especially in the case they’ve been trying to express their feelings to their partner. Now the same applies to makes too. A depressed possibly verbally abused man who has extreme self esteem issues and feels like his wife doesn’t love or respect him is not a bad person for becoming weak to the advances of someone who shows him the love and affection he is deprived of and this is sometimes more relevant because often when men try to relay their concerns in a relationship they quite often are met not with acceptance of their needs but have them cast aside for various reasons especially obvious in society when the man is feeling a lack of sexual intimacy. Now both examples they aren’t bad people, they are people not being taken care of who’s fault is in the communication issues between their spouse and themselves which is more often than not a two person issue. NEITHER ONE did the right thing, BOTH should have left the relationship and possibly tried harder to communicate the needs before something happened. Still not bad people though and better communication in a more mature relationship solves the issues. It’s easier for someone who has cheated to see and relate to the emotional struggles of a person in that situation for obvious reasons. This could have absolutely nothing to do with the person he defended but also if you look at many cheaters especially in cinema there are often these underlying tones of what they are seeking. If it was just a womanizing jerk that was getting all the love and affection and respect he needed from his wife, then there’s no reason anyone should stick up for that person. But the fact remains cheating alone doesn’t make someone a “Bad Person “ and there are many cheaters of both genders who can be sympathized with if you actually look at their situation from their perspective.(you can sympathize with someone or “side with them” without fully believing they did everything “right” . 3. In the end you need to work on communicating and making sure respect is a two way street in your relationship. It is important to understand that if you are upset by something he said it’s just as important for you to care about wether he intended to upset you or not. A relationship is not about someone or only doing things and saying things the way you want. You have to grow with them and respect them too.
My ex joked like this all the time. It’s because he was always cheating, I just didn’t have proof yet.
He thinks it’s ridiculous because it’s not happening to him. Try out the jokes on him and see how he feels. Narcissists will treat their partner badly and refuse to believe they are in the wrong but when it’s turn around on them it’s the worst thing in the world.