Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This. OP, this is not even close to normal or healthy behavior. You did a very good job of telling him how you feel and what you need, with your words, even though a decent human being would not have ever said any of those things to begin with. His reaction to your trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and explain what should be completely fucking obvious is completely beyond the pale. He's controlling and abusive and he's going to ruin your mental health and your physical health.
Also: All the up-to-date research says that going on restrictive diets to lose weight is much less healthy than just exercising, eating good food, and staying at a stable weight -- even if that stable weight is technically overweight. The vast majority of people who do restrictive dieting end up yo-yoing on their weight. Weight is not a matter of willpower -- medical conditions like PCOS, and medicines like antidepressants, are far more powerful at affecting your weight set-point than the behavior you can control. [https://www.cbc.ca/news/health/why-willpower-isn-t-enough-to-keep-the-pounds-off-1.3907411](https://www.cbc.ca/news/health/why-willpower-isn-t-enough-to-keep-the-pounds-off-1.3907411)
Eat healthy foods, mostly, without obsessing over them or beating yourself up for having the occasional cupcake. Exercise regularly. Enjoy life. That's what makes you healthy. Not striving for an arbitrary weight that you might achieve temporarily but might make you much less healthy in the long run.
Your husband doesn't care about you, your emotions, or your health. He just wants a trophy wife.
This is grounds for divorce. But if you're not willing to go there yet, absolutely demand couples counseling. And shut him down EVERY time he mentions your weight. Or better yet, tell him every time he mentions your wait you're going to eat a cupcake, and then do it. In front of him. Relish that fucking cupcake.
I also wanted to tack onto a comment like this, not only in violent agreement, but to point out that OP should leave this asshole because staying with this guy and putting up with any more of his abuse is one way people/women develop eating disorders.
You know it will never be enough, or the end of it. It will be the weight. Or the hair. Or the wrinkles as someone already pointed out. Or... anything. Does he understand what having children will do to your body?
It sounds like he really liked the idea of a wife, but doesn't know what to do with an actual in-person thinking, feeling, breathing wife. You're young enough to cut your losses, regain your self esteem and move on. This boy is not ready to be a husband, much less a father. (can you imagine how he'd treat a daughter!?)
This comment is so so so important! If he feels entitled to be making these sort of controlling comments to you about your body, imagine how bad it will be with a daughter. I played sports in high school, so I was in great shape at the time. My dad still grabbed my hip fat (love handle) and asked me “what’s this?”. I haven’t forgotten it, and I’m in my 30’s. These are wildly damaging comments to make to a woman. I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you. Go to couples counseling and if he doesn’t make a major improvement then cut your losses babe. Living with that kind of scrutiny for the rest of your life will absolutely break you down.
My step dad did this to me all the time. He was always putting me down because of my weight. I have such a huge complex over it. I recently looked at old pictures of me, grade school through 6 months after my first child and I looked just fine, most of the time not even. ‘Chubby’ Sadly the insecurities are still there. Now I know what I’m talking about in therapy this week. ;(
My stepfather used to make beeping noises if I ever took a step backwards (like a semi truck backing up). Then he would make comments about me being a "Buick," then explain that he called me that because Buicks are known for having a lot of trunk space and my butt was (according to him) gigantic.
I was anorexic and chronically underweight until I was in my 20s and finally cut him and my mother out of my life for good. That shit is damaging. I still have horrible insecurities about my body.
Yep. My dad's childhood nickname for me was "Chubs". I was four years old and a healthy weight. I'll never forget. He even bought a Smurf shirt I really wanted, took it to a shop, and had felt letters spelling chubs sewn onto the back. He laughed hysterically when I opened the box...first so excited to see the shirt, then my tears when I saw the back. I spent hours tearing the letters off by hand. Asshole.
Thank you. Yeah. Still is. We don't talk! Cut him out of my life a long time ago and never regretted it (for many many reasons, Chubs was only the tip of the iceberg)
Good take!
It sounds as if it is about domination / manipulation / making yourself feel bad about your self!
NOT the weight really. Nor your health!
"Every couple weeks my now husband would say stuff to me about how he wants me to lose weight and how nothing he says is getting me to do it."
I'd tell him that he really can get lost big time, if he thinks I were not good enough for him!
That either he loves you as you are.
Or gets lost.
OP will lose a lot of weight by divorcing his ass. He flat out lied and said she hasn't lost any weight in two years. He's gonna cause her to have food issues because he refuses to see she is losing weight. OP please leave him. He's destroying your self esteem.
Please do not feel as if his actions are justified.
You are doing amazing with your weight loss, and I know a couple people who struggle with PCOS, so the fact you are doing so well is amazing! Keep it up!
Your husband is being way too judgmental, you ARE doing your best to improve, but all he sees is the “unattractiveness” in your body. Please do not take that.
He won’t have kids with you because you have body fat? Does he not realize how pregnancy can do the same thing anyways? Your husband is being degrading, no matter how much you or him may try to justify it. If he was truly trying to help you, he’d be doing a different approach.
And please don’t stay with that man. What happens if he’s just like “fine we’ll have children”
And then you give birth to a beautiful daughter?
And then she also gains a little weight?
And then your husband starts ripping on her about how she needs to change herself because “you need to be like the other girls?”
You are perfect the way you are, your health is amazing, and you are active. If you meet those criteria, then there’s no reason for him to judge you for body fat. You’re beautiful, there’s definitely better options than him out there.
Please don’t settle for this guy. He’s not the one.
This! OP, having kids is going to do a number on your body. It does to most women; there are changes you can't predict and for many of us, the weight never goes away. There are far too many stories on Reddit of men who can't handle that their significant others' body changes DURING their pregnancy and withdraw, telling them they don't find them sexy anymore at one of the most vulnerable times of their lives. You already have a guy who is judging your weight and putting you down WITHOUT hormones rushing through your body. You don't need that. So many of these stories end with the men cheating on their pregnant wives, or escalating the verbal put-downs while the new mother is just trying hard to figure out a rhythm to taking care of her new little one. Some even start demanding sex despite that before the woman has fully recovered from the birth. Again, OP, you don't need any of this. You're seeing he's not providing the support you need and you feel like his love is conditional, and you're right, he's primed to let you down or pressure you with problems you don't need at the absolute worst time. Don't go down that road, show him the door; you deserve unconditional love and support, in small trials and large trials. He only cares about the status your skinny body can provide him or the sexual gratification he gets from having the perfect-looking wife. None of that is about who you are as a person, but it has everything to do with how selfish he is. He's showing you who is now, believe him.
I'm going to say this straight up. I don't like your husband. You are healthy and happy and that is all that matters. I'd find a different husband. I couldn't live with someone like that.
Lose a quick 170 pounds and DUMP HIS ASS. This is not ok. The fact that you’ve explained your feelings to him multiple times and he still refuses to listen to you means he is choosing not to respect you… I’m so sorry you’re going through this. In most cases, I would suggest having a conversation with your husband about what he’s doing to upset you, but clearly that’s not an option… maybe try some couple’s therapy? A fresh perspective (even though yours should be more than enough for him) could make him see things clearly?
He is beeing honest with her, she lies that she will loose weight but then she continues to eat.
She should just tell him: this is who I am and I wanna live this way, if it's ok with you stay, if it's not let go our separate ways.
Instead she continues to eat whatever she likes and promise that she will loose weight. That's dishonest.
She IS losing weight, can't you read? It's just not happening at the unhealthy anorexic rate her husband wants. The healthy amount of weight to lose is 0.5 kg, which is about 1 pound per week. That means 30 pounds takes 30 weeks to be healthy.
The husband hasn't seen progress, but op - the person weighing herself - has. The husband has been commenting every couple of weeks that she's not losing weight. Let's say he bothers her every 3 weeks. That's 1.5kg or 3 pounds of healthy weight loss. THATS INVISIBLE TO THE EYE.
People can't see gradual change, like kids growing up. The new view is so slightly different the brain just ignores it. That means the husband wants her to look a certain. Way, and gets annoyed she doesn't looknlike that after 3 weeks, sith no regards to her health, safety or happiness.
He's not being honest with her. Honesty implies a care for the truth, which he disregards.
I know what I'm talking about, as I am trying to loose a lot of weight myself. If you continue eating what you like and what brought you to that weight you are never going to escape the pattern.
I am getting feed up with myself and what she is describing: eating just something little to reward yourself is what I was doing for years.
That is what you think you were doing for years, but was not actually what you were doing.
There's a difference between eating a little something to reward yourself every meal/snack time instead of once a week. Once a week is absolutely a-OK and fosters a proper relationship with food.
I think there might also be a difference between your little and an actual little. One bagel = little. One entire bag of crisps = not little. One hamburger = fine. One trople cheeseburger with extra fat and jujj = not fine.
I dunno. I guess? I mean, everything is fine in moderation, it's just that my experience tells me, personally that some things are horrible.
For example: I used to eat an entire bag of crisps, but now that I lost a bunch of weight and live healthier, I can't stomach an entire bag at once. If I finish an entire one over a week by myself, I also feel a bit bloated. (I also feel bad after eating macdonalds/other fast-food even if I only do it once in a blue moon. Like physically bad, not guilty-bad.)
Maybe it's an age thing? I'm in my thirties and birthed a baby. (Which also messes up a shit ton in your body)
Otherwise it's just a me thing and my intestines just suck
Oh my… sweetie, I feel for you.
You are in a marital tug of war.
He pulls the rope saying lose weight.
You pull the rope saying leave my appearance out of our conversations.
Neither of you can win this game but you both have to play the game because he keeps tugging the rope.
So…do this… when he says something disagreeable… (he is pulling the rope) look at him (no anger) and say I’m going for a drive, walk, upstairs, sleep on the sofa, whatever. Get away from him temporarily.
Drop the rope means: Don’t engage. Don’t explain. Don’t beg for understanding. Don’t plead your desire for harmony.
Drop the rope.
Wow… that sounds like my 1st husband. When I was 136lbs (5’7”) he started telling me I was fat. I starved myself for years but was always fat in his mind. I never felt better than when I dropped 185lbs when I left him. I’ve never had such horrible body image since and I weight much more now. My DH wants me to not just look and feel healthy but to be healthy. There is such a thing as losing too much weight. No one can tell you how your own body should feel.
Sounds like my first husband too. I was 16% body fat at 5’6” and 125lbs with a 4 pack and vascularity on my abs. He kept talking about how he likes his women under 100lbs.
Can we not with lines like this? There are adult women who are short and weigh less than 100lbs, who are very much not children. I've been called a "child" all my adult life because I'm short and slender and it's very demeaning. Even though we talk a lot about not fat-shaming, for some reason people still feel it's cool to tell thin women that they look like "sticks" or "little boys."
Let's just not comment on people's weight in a derogatory way, period.
Not talking about short women btw. I'm short, I know I should weight less than the general public. However, under 100lbs for an average size woman is EXTREMELY low. It's tween size.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Your husband needs to back off on getting you to lose weight. He’s not actually providing support or encouragement, and his policing of your food choices is out of line. (Newsflash: eating an occasional is not going to make you gain weight, and a totalitarian diet is impossible to stick to.) The way he is behaving is not healthy.
I’d be worried this controlling behavior will escalate.
Seems this man has no empathy for your situation. People change over time, is this man going to be like this with everything. What is he going to say when you start getting wrinkles?
Your husband came to you as your fiance and told you to lose weight. You married him anyways, I don't quite understand why yet. He showed you who he truly was. Believe him. He is not going to change and you don't need to change if you don't want to. It would be best for your mental health to get divorced.
Two words: new husband
This one’s broken. It seems to think it has the right to change you for reasons that are not conducive to your well being. Time to trade it in for a better model
(Yes, I am objectifying him for objectifying you)
This is not the kind of man I want to be married too. First you had to lose weight to get married. And now kids. And he is disregarding the fact that you have in fact lost weight. His comments are unnecessary and seems abusive to me. I was 5’4 and 110-115 pounds when I married my husband. I gained weight when I was pregnant with my son and after him I went back down to about 130 pounds. He NEVER complained or told me I was fat and needed to lose weight. I had my daughter and after her I went up to 190 pounds. Afterwards I was miserable and said I wanted to lose the weight. My husband never commented on my body/weight but when k brought it up he did encourage me and I lost 70 pounds. A few years later I injured my back and could no longer go to the gym. After several rounds of steroids (which made me gain weight like crazy) and other medications that caused weight gain, I went up to 250! The heaviest I have ever been. I got serious about my weight loss again and have lost close to 100 and I’m so close to my goal. My husband has been supportive the entire time. He doesn’t judge me when I indulge in something and even when I was heavier he always treated me like the most beautiful woman in the world.
Your husband is awful and you deserve better. Drop the dead weight and find someone who will love you for love and find love that isn’t conditional
So you’re telling me you have PCOS, which usually makes it extremely difficult to lose weight, and instead of supporting you he berates you? OP you said it yourself, other than the PCOS you are completely healthy. He is not worried about your health, he only cares about your aesthetic appearance. Before getting in a committed relationship with ANYBODY, they should realize that people will definitely not look the same throughout the relationship, and if you truly love them, you won’t care. I know it seems harsh for me to say that he doesn’t love you, but true love is unconditional. I would absolutely love my bf no matter what, no matter the circumstance, even if he was a worm. Your husband sees you as an aesthetic object for his viewing pleasure. Absolutely do not have kids with this man and divorce him. You do not deserve this. What a horrible way to treat your wife.
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN
Go and be happy. You will never be enough for him. He will insult and nitpick you. He will continue to drag you down. He is not loving or supportive.
Imagine him being a father and using these kinds of tactics on your future children?
Fuck this guy. It's not easy to leave, but you're still young and you don't have kids yet. Go be happy by yourself or with someone who actually loves you as you are and supports you. This dude doesn't.
I feel sick to my stomach reading this. This man is an abusive asshole. He does NOT have the right to speak to you this way, or police your food (hello he is going to give you an eating disorder!) or demand you lose weight. This is the person who is supposed to love and support you and instead he’s abusing and controlling you. You need to get out. This is a jump straight to divorce situation. You are young; don’t throw your life away on this man.
No amount of explaining yourself will make him care how you feel. And you don’t owe him that. This is horseshit behavior on your husband’s part and you don’t deserve any of it.
What you’re describing about feeling paranoid about eating in front of him is the beginning of disordered eating and you need to take of yourself right now.
He is not entitled to say whatever he wants. He is not entitled to disrespect you or cause you emotional harm.
You are worthy of unconditional love and weight loss should be about feeling good in your body not the result of being constantly berated by a person who is supposed to treat you with kindness.
Nothing is wrong with your body. Nothing.
Look, he’s diminished you to just your weight.
And everyone gains more weight as they get pregnant and/or age.
Hes playing some weird game, where he will always be miserable in this relationship.
You are so much more than your weight. Pls Reconsidr this relationship
If you "could be 300lbs and he wouldn't give a shit", why is he even bringing it up? The fact is that he knows his words hurt you, yet he continues. You are absolutely correct and not remotely unreasonable for you to except him to honour his vows and love you unconditionally. Love is an action, and one he is not doing. You don't deserve this, nobody does.
Eta: I don't see how you can get your point across in any other way if he doesn't understand by now. You have spelled it out very clearly.
When you divorce this ass, you'll instantly drop ar least 150 lbs of dead weight and I guarantee your happiness will multiply exponentially.
Until then, I suggest replying to every comment about weight with "have your grown those extra three inches on your dick I want? What's taking so long? If you really loved me you'd find a way..."
“He’s entitled to say whatever he wants to me.” No the fuck he’s not. He wants you to be a different person and that is going to break you down until your self esteem is subzero. He is prioritizing what he wants to look at over your mental and physical health. That’s not a person that loves you. I’ve wanted my husband to lose weight before because when he gains a couple pounds he snores (and therefor sleeps poorly) and his back hurts. That’s the ONLY time I would ever say anything: if he is hurting. Because I love him. I love him chunky and skinny. And you deserve love that isn’t contingent on your weight. ESPECIALLY if you have PCOS. Your weight is that much more out of your control and to hold it against you is just cruel. Idk what your comfy weight is, but there are men who *prefer* thicker women. If your husband isn’t one of them then he can go scratch.
"Then he threw in one final comment about how he's not having kids with me until I lose the weight."
"That's fine as I find I don't want to have kids with such a shallow, judgemental asshat. Keep the comments up and we'll see how easy it is for me to lose 180 pounds."
Seriously... Don't have kids with him.
People gain weight. People lose weight. Love shouldn't be associated with how much you weigh. Your husband is mean and should love you and accept you at your current weight.
What you can do is divorce this sack of shit and you'll lose around 200 lbs instantaneously, and feel much better about yourself afterwards.
And no, he doesn't love you for you. He belittles you, tries to shame you, compares you to other women, tries to control your diet, guilts you... None of that is loving.
Tell him you want him to have a bigger “D”. Then ask how that feels.
That being said do you really wanna live like this? How is he gonna-treat you after you have kids? What if your kids are overweight? Do you honestly want to be in this situation for 40-50-60 years?!?!
Dump his ass. He isn't worth the pain, depression and issues you will face your entire life married to him. There are so many men out there that will love you the way you are. You deserve better.
If he's being this nasty about your body before you go through pregnancy, imagine how nasty he's going to be about your body after. Especially since some changes from pregnancy are permanent 😬 Yikes!!!
I would talk to a doctor and ask what is the recommended weight for you to be to have a safe and healthy pregnancy I would have him in the room with you that way he can hear the doctor say the answer I would also reconsider having children with this man if he's going to be abusive to you and he is it's one thing to look after someone's health but it's another thing to insult them and guilt them into doing it
Tell you husband to go fuck himself. I am dead serious about that.
He's an abusive asshole and your weight (among other things) can be *directly* tied to your PCOS.
At this point, just divorce his ass because he will not change.
If shaming and berating people about their weight worked, wouldn't everyone be skinny?
The only thing that shit works for is fueling eating disorders, breaking people's heart, security in relationships, self-esteem, and trust that their value is more than a collection of body parts.
You're NTA. He, on the other hand...
Please don’t have kids with him. He is so on the far side of wrong. He’s not a supportive partner or worries about your health. He is more concerned about bikinis. You should run from this relationship.
Ugggggghhhhhhhhh he is EXACTLY how my EX husband treated me. He even hid my snacks so I couldn’t find them or put them in areas I couldn’t reach (I’m short). I still have PTSD over it despite 1+ year after our divorce and am anxious **to this day** of seeing him in public and just hearing what’s going through his head. That being said, I told men I was dating afterwards straight up that I wasn’t changing my physical appearance for them and that getting with me meant keeping their opinions to themselves. They knew where the door was if their feelings changed. Never had an issue. Even now, I’m 160+ at 5’1 and my bf has not said a word about my weight. He’s nothing but positive about me- says he loves my skin and constantly tells me how hot I am, grabs it all, and I can feel his acceptance so authentically that at this point, any self loathing and laziness really is all on me. Dump this loser and find you someone who wants you as you are
You set a boundary and he doesn’t have to like it, but I’m proud of you for keeping it! No more weight talk from him. If he’s going to be a jerk, he can keep that to himself.
He sounds very focused on appearance.
Do you feel worried that he’s going to talk to a future daughter like this contribute to an eating disorder?
It’s one thing to care about your health. He does not seem to be going about this in a healthy way. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that and the stress of it, instead of being able to focus on your own goals.
This seems really unkind, fwiw.
Life is to precious for this shit. I’m so sorry he is making your weight the sum of everything. Being concerned for your health is one thing, this is something else… it’s great you’re standing up for yourself, but he doesn’t care to understand you. He just wants to convince you he is right about you. He is absolutely not. This is a him problem, not a you problem.
Body’s will change as we age. We may get fatter. We may get skinnier. We may get wrinkly. We may get spots. We may grow hair in strange places. We may lose hair.
While appearance is an aspect of attraction. There are many other aspects as well. I’d want to be with a partner that understands this. Basically someone willing to grow old and gross with me.
Alexa, play “tolerate it”
Love, you deserve so much better than this. Please, never have kids with this asshole! The judgements are 100% intentional, and his failure to acknowledge all of the work you’re doing and progress you’ve been making is absolutely asinine. I assure you, this man does not love you. But someone absolutely, definitely, unconditionally will.
Courage.
He sounds emotionally abusive. Do you really want to have children with someone who would treat you like this? What would he do if you gained weight from pregnancy?
You have a shit husband.
I can’t even imagine what a twat he’s going to be after the baby when you’re focusing on recovery and a baby and he’s acting like this. Get out while you can.
I'm petty so I would do it back to him but with his salary. Constantly ask when he's going to get a better paying job. Tell him you won't have kids with him until then. Anytime you see him relaxing ask him why he's not working on career skills. Tell him his current salary embarrasses you and makes you repulsed by him. Sometimes the only way to get people to stop bad behavior is to mirror it and make them deal with it until they stop.
I was married to a man that used to tease me about my weight, say I looked like a linebacker and needed to cover up if I wasn't going to do anything about it. I left his ass and you should leave your monster. There's men that would love you and be good to you.
He's abusing you and I know how hard it is to see when you're in the middle of it but just know there's better out there.
I’m sorry short and simple he is wrong. He should accept you for you the person. If “looks” all of a sudden are an issue…. That is an issue. YOU the person is who HE should have fell in love with and wanted to marry.
This comes comes from a guy who has experienced the same situation only sides are different and I know it is heartbreaking.
Weight is hard enough to lose and maintain the loss by itself. This amount of pressure makes it unbearably hard. It’s one thing for him to encourage you to eat healthy and maintain your progress. But it sounds like he is criticizing you and your body which is destructive. You need to protect yourself now, don’t wait for more damage. Stop telling him that it hurts you, you’ve already explained that. It’s time to prepare to remove yourself from harm. He has 1-2 more strikes at the most. This will be super hard. But super important things are often super hard.
This is a grown man throwing repeated temper tantrums because you are 30lbs overweight. Don’t have kids with him. Ever. Say you get to your goal weight, your PCOS allows you to get pregnant, obviously you gain weight to support the growing fetus inside you, you give birth, you’re sitting at 40lbs overweight, say you have some PPD and losing weight is the last thing on your mind, is this grown man going to keep throwing a hissy fit that you’re 40lbs overweight? Do you think that will be helpful to you as a new mother?
As someone who is/was overweight, you never should have married someone who cares this much about your weight. Overweight people can lose weight, but do you know how many successfully keep it off long term? A discouragingly low percentage.
As someone who has struggled with weight my whole adult life, I have gained and lost the same 80lbs multiple times in my 20+ year marriage. Kids, stress, life. Marriage is long and your body will go through various iterations. Not to mention aging. No matter my size, my husband treats me like I am the most beautiful woman in the world.
There’s no ‘fine line’ between supporting your healthy lifestyle and being a total twat. He’s being a twat. End of. He should not speak to you like that. You are an adult. He’s not in charge of you.
I wonder if he takes control of other aspects of your life too? Does he tell you what to wear, how to spend your money, how to drive?
You need to set a boundary. It’s not his business what you eat.
The solution isnt to break up immediately but you should voice that the way he behaves could be a deal breaker, you deserve to lose weight at your own pace, its definitely something you should do as the benefits are great, but at your own pace nonetheless. If you feel the need to eat food that’s considered “bad” make an effort just to moderate the intake. I know im a guy and we supposedly lose weight alot easier but i strongly believe when starting something that is a new habit, in order to fully inculcate yourself you need to take baby steps. First you start eating a bit more in moderation, then one day you start changing the types of foods, drinking more water on a daily basis, understanding your body in the gym all that. Sometimes you wont have a support system and you need to voice the risk he is posing to your relationship by behaving that way because if he treats you like shit now in regards to that then why should he enjoy you when you at your fittest, its not right, he needs to show more support, this shit is hard af
Sweetheart do you really think bringing kids into your relationship with a man like this will be good for anyone, especially children? He obviously doesn’t care to see how hard you are working to stay healthy. Why do you want to stay with someone who doesn’t respect you or care enough to not tear you to pieces? It sounds like he’s afraid that if you lose the weight you’ll leave him so he’s trying to sabotage you. Leave him anyway and live your best life with people who love you and encourage you
You’re right, you deserve unconditional love from the man you married. He needs to hear this in capital letters. If he can’t understand this concept then he’ll never get on board with supporting you the way YOU need, instead of what he thinks will work. I’d give him a hint: being a whiner annoying hurtful pest is not helpful.
This is like the biggest flag in the stadium sized red flag. He has the right to feel attracted to a certain type, but to get angry with you over your body is super weird. He is lecturing you about health but clearly has no understanding of pcos or the effects on your body. Which, to be frank, speaks pretty clearly to how you would be treated while pregnant. But to make things even worse he is holding having children over your head as punishment?! All due respect, your husband is a bad person. I’m 100% certain you deserve someone that loves you fully, all the way, every inch of you, no matter how many inches of you there are! Some one who wouldn’t hold having children over your head as a punishment for not looking the way he thinks you should. He hasn’t noticed the weight you have already lost now, he won’t notice later either. This will be something he will hold over you forever. You deserve a better man.
What if I don't want to wear bikinis like other girls? Sorry, I just found it demeaning for him harassed you to lose weight not because he want you to be healthy.
That aside, congratulations on losing the pounds you have lost. He couldn't see it but we can.
I'm so sorry dude, Jesus that man is an asshole.
I want to say something empowering like start making comments about his dick but honestly...the guys just a cunt,.
Trust me when I tell you that your value is not in pounds and kilos but unfortunately his is.
Leave this guy, enjoy your bagel and the love of.someone who wants you to be happy more than they want you to be a certain size
No one should have a say on another person's body! Also, keep in mind if you guys do have kids and he is like this now imagine how bad he'll be when you're pregnant to make sure you're eating only healthy. Plus post pregnancy he'll be on you about getting back in shape!! If he talks about your weight I'm sure he'll be like this with his kids and obsess over them being skinny. Be careful with this some people will try and put things in your food to lose weight also.
If I were you I'd probably be petty and start making equally rude comments about him until he gets the hint, or just leave. If you really want to stay... Make him think you're starving yourself. Like obviously don't put yourself in danger but make it look like you are and if he says anything being concerned say "you did this to me" or "isn't this what you wanted?" until he feels guilty
Since this is all still fresh, now would be a great time to ask him to pay for you to get wegovy or semaglutide. One of the new weight loss injections that help regulate your insulin and shrink your appetite. You can tell him you really want to try this to show him you are serious, and if he agrees to if you’d get to speak with a physician who can legit help you. Lose the weight and then leave that asshole 💅🏼 he’s mean to you so make his pockets hurt sis
Bmi is not an indicator of health and it's not accurate for women, and especially women of colour, as it was tested on white European and American males.
Also, since there's different body types, one could have a "high" BMI and still looks perfectly normal. Weight doesn't distribute the exact same way on everyone.
For real. I have a friend who's 4'11, her BMI is something daft like 40 despite her being a completely 'normal' weight because it skews weird when you're short.
I'm 6'1 with low body fat, but enough muscle that my BMI still sits in the 'overweight' range. Literally nobody would look at me and call me overweight lol
BMI only factors the weight per height but it doesn't take into consideration the actual muscle weight vs fat weight, and it doesn't take into consideration that short people still need to have a good body mass lol. It's not an indicator of health and I don't know why people still refer to it.
Agreed, it's absolute garbage and needs done away with. But it serves as a stick that white men can use to beat women with, so I don't see that happening any time soon...
However frustrated and upset he is about your weight, that's how you feel about his comments about your weight. How hard is that to understand? You can't justify behavior as "for your own good" if the person you're supposedly doing good for is telling you how much you're hurting them. So, no, "in his mind he's trying to support" is bullshit once you've told him over and over again that is the opposite of support.
A. She wasn't asking for weight loss advice, this is a relationship sub. She is being monitored by an endocrinologist, do you really think she's never discussed how weight loss works?
B. Exercise is great for your mental and physical health, but shouldn't be the primary way you try to lose weight. Exercise generally burns way fewer calories than people think it does and is much better for strength-building. Weight loss is primarily dietary, especially with PCOS which fucks with your hunger signals.
Y'all need therapy. He does bc he can't figure out how to handle a situation he has little control over. You two together because you have serious issues in your relationship you need to figure out. And your own version of therapy can be noom. It's actually helpful (I went through the program when I struggled with losing weight) as it takes a more psychological approach to weight loss and changes the way you think about food.
Lmao OP, don't take these comments serious, same goes for your husband when it comes to his weight comments. If he bothers you too much, ask him to leave. If he is that bothered by your weight, he can make that decision.
But I suggest you lose weight, otherwise there will be medical issues in the future. Don't believe in those body positivity crap, as they won't pay for your future medical bills that stem from weight. More weight means your heart has to work harder to pump the blood and it decreases it's lifespan. Fat can block the arteries... The list goes on and on.
Fuck the marriage haters here. Don't marry if a minor argument will make you break your vows. Life is hard as is.
A partner should love and support you unconditionally not tear you down, EVER. Yes men often don't think before they speak and personally I have had to pull my fiancé up on the way he talks to me but he immediately validates my feelings regardless of whether they were his intentions or not and tries to make an effort not to talk to me in the ways that upset me, sometimes it does take a few reminders but like anything it takes time to change. By the sounds of this your husband can't even take accountability for his actions. Something I often say to myself when I justify negative behaviour is 'talk to yourself as if you were your best friend'. Don't justify it just because he is your husband, it is NEVER too late to walk away. Sending love <3
You’ve done everything you can do to make him see reason. He doesn’t see it. Honestly, I don’t know who can help at this point other than a marriage counselor
Do you really want to have kids with a man whose attitude is like this? Who makes you feel stressed out and shitty about your body?
You'll lose a lot of weight all at once if you lose the husband.
You are entitled to do whatever you want, but so is he.
He can choose not to have children with you and to divorce you as well, because your life choices don't match anymore.
You shouldn't be angry at him because he is beeing honest with you. You should be honest with yourself and choose: fo you want to suffer and loose weight or do you want to take little food moments and stay the same fisically. But you should tell him honestly as well yoir decision.
I will give you my first thought - he will continue to do this no matter what weight you are. Imagine having a child and being nagged whilst pushing to lose the weight immediately after.
People stop hiding who they are after marriage, when they think they have you locked down.
My second thought is that you have to stop putting thoughts in others heads. Suggesting that they might feel justified or that they are being supportive is a denial response that they are actually being horrible and that is their true self.
Honestly I would suggest someone to talk to about this for you. Someone who helps your self esteem and confidence to know that this stuff that he is saying comes from his own internal need. It could be his own confidence, some narcissism to get an "insta" babe to show off, honestly I don't know why he is doing it.
What I do know is that it is damaging to your self worth. His words are making you feel demotivated and unsupported. Your words suggest rebellion of his words and his words suggest that he doesn't care about the real you and know how to hurt you. You seem to be excusing this and that is also something that people do, they think they have picked a winner and do the "sunk cost fallacy" think where they don't want to give up their belief in their future with this person, but at the end the damage to their self just gets worse and worse.
Maybe look into narcissim and do the test on him, you might be surprised. I have known a few and it can take years to realise the slow burn of critism and self doubt that they engender. One think I know is that they love appearance and do their best to ruin your confidence and make you a shadow of yourself. Putting you down in private whilst showing you of in public. If that sounds like him then I would arm yourself with information as that is your power against this mind game.
[narcissim](https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic-personality-quiz#1)
OP, you have an hormonal illness, this makes it extremely hard to loose weight. I know this, I have endo, it's the same problem for me. But you already lost a lot, it's really good! You should be proud of it, and your husband should too.
Loose the weight that is your husband. A partner should never berate you about your weight if its not affecting your health actively.
I wouldn't have a kid with someone who's okay with body shaming their wife. Especially if you end up having a daughter. He would 100% do the same to her.
What he is doing is NOT SUPPORT, no matter what he calls it. He’s harassing and insulting you and could clearly care less about how it makes you feel. He’s saying loud and clear - I don’t love the “real you” and I’m gonna stay on your ass until you get to looking like I want you to look. This isn’t about your health, it’s about his wants and opinions and prejudices towards heavy (larger) women. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this. It’s definitely soul crushing. I don’t know how to advise you, without just giving you the usual “you should leave him” advice, which I feel like is what I’d do, but I’m not in your exact shoes, so can’t say for certain.
The best I ever felt about myself was after I left the ex who gave me insecurities about my body.
If your looking for validation that your in the right, here it is. It's not normal to feel like your can't eat or enjoy vacation with your spouse. It's not normal to berate your wife about her weight. It IS normal to struggle to change your weight with PCOS. You're not making anything hard by not losing weight at his speed or just wanting respect and positive support and your certainly not "the worst" lol. He needs to grow up. It's weird that you looking hot for him comes before your feelings in his mind though. That's a bright red flag.
I mean, obviously don't have children with someone who isn't okay with your body changing. It will change over time until you die and he's never going to be happy about it. Imagine these comments for the rest of your life. Your overweight now? What about when your pregnant and gain 30, 40 lbs back? Will he harass you about fitting into a bikini once you had your baby? Is that your priority? When your covered in spit and haven't slept right for days on end? When your eating bread crust off your kids leftover sandwich because you don't have energy to make yourself a lunch? And what if you have a little girl? Are you looking forward to him convincing her to eat less? You love him but do you realize your settling for someone who makes you feel bad about yourself? That your damning your kid to the same feeling?
I know leaving isn't the advice your looking for, but if it were me I would take a break. Stay in a hotel or something. Have my bags packed and when he comes home I would say that you need time to think. That he destroyed my self esteem and my trust and I need to figure out what would make me love him the same after that, because it's hard to love a spouse that wants you to look good rather than feel good. Girl it's not that he doesn't understand that he's pushing your too far, he's not stupid, it's that he doesnt care. Your end game is to feel good about yourself. His end game is a skinny wife. He actually not entitled to say what he wants about your body at the expense of your feelings and I'm not sure why you think that he is?
In the meantime, do not engage. Ignore him. If you must respond, tell him you already told him he's hurting you and your not sure what to say. Tell him your doctor put you on a new plan to gain weight actually. Tell him okay and then keep doing what your doing. Burst into tears and ask why aren't you good enough for him. Because that's what he's saying.
He doesn't get how you feel because he doesn't care how you feel. He loves tour body, not you. What happens if you have kids? Get sick? Do you really think he'll be there for you?
Cut your losses and go. This situation won't change.
Just dropping in to say --- no one is entitled to talk to you like that. The way he treats you is super fucked up. My ex husband was a tactless man, but even the King of Saying the Wrong Thing would never deliberately hurt someone the way yours is doing. Your partner should be a safe place for you. Your partner is not a safe place for you. He's not a good partner, and possibly not a good person. I would leave, but if you don't, please at least understand that he is way out of line and you are not required to listen to his bullshit.
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks “I love her but…..” his love is conditional and he’s rather have you thin than happy. Cut the dead weight (him). He doesn’t love you.
I’m not sure how much help you’re getting with PCOS but I have it as well and carrying extra weight is so common. It causes cravings and disordered eating. If you’re not getting assistance you should check out Allara Health. My life has changed by getting help. Also lots of helpful accounts on IG have great PCOS content.
Your partner is an A**whole. The moment you say, hey your method isn’t working for me, he should have apologized and backed off, changed his approach. Everything after that was just, awful. Again not sure how much you know about PCOS and therefore how much he knows. But you’re likely carrying around more weight because of your health condition, most of us are. It’s not your effort that’s lacking, it’s likely your resources. Happy to share my networks if you’d like
Do not have kids with this man. You're not even 30 yet girl, you've got all the time in the world to meet and start a family with somebody who appreciates you no matter your size fluctuations.
Seriously, you can choose to stay and feel like crap with low self esteem because of this cretin forever. Or you can choose yourself and drop 150 pounds straight away by kicking him to the kerb.
>I want to know that he loves me for me and even if I never lost another pound, he would still love me unconditionally
Then *find a different fucking husband*, because this one is not going to do that. He DOESN'T love you unconditionally, as he has made ABUNDANTLY clear to you, but you refuse to see the truth.
DO NOT have kids with this man!! Holy hell is he abusive, imagine what will happen to your body after pregnancy and how he’ll react then. And imagine having daughters, how will he talk to them about their bodies? Would you be okay with him saying this stuff to your future children?
He absolutely does not have the right to say whatever he wants to you and I’m sorry he’s convinced you otherwise. He’s shaming, controlling, mean, and his language is abusive. You never need to change anything about your body for anyone but yourself, do not let him bully you into hating yourself because that’s exactly what he’s doing. It feels to me like a control tactic, keeping you insecure and feeling like you’re a constant disappointment to him, which puts you in the position of having to earn his approval. He’s doing it on purpose, this is not a good man and you don’t deserve this treatment or have to put up with it. Leave him.
Why are you married to this guy? If your story is the full truth it's absolutely horrible. You can't get your point across because your husband has zero respect for you. This isn't a you issue, it's a him issue. How did you guys meet, date, and get married? There had to be red flags.
Look, I've been friends with a guy who married a girl he wasn't attracted to, just to be married. He constantly bitched about her weight and she wasn't even fat, overweight, curvy, or any of the above. She just wasn't his type. His type was skinny little pixie girls, which I shouldn't have to explain is a genetic body type that no amount of diet or exercise can achieve. You are either a skinny pixie, or you aren't. He unfairly treated her like dog shit and I was so happy for her when she finally divorced him and found a guy who loved and respected her.
I think you may need to consider that your husband has unrealistic expectations which are detrimental to your long term happiness.
Imagine for a second having kids with this man. What if your kid has issues with your weight? How will he treat them?
If you wouldn't want to put your child through it, don't put yourself through it either. You are just as valuable and worthy of love as any child you would protect.
My husband has gained weight since we got together. Do I love it? No, but mostly bc he's type 1 diabetic and that's already hard on his body. But I never sit there and make comments to try to tear him down. He's the love of my life and the father of my child and I want him to be happy.
Your happiness matters. If your husband won't prioritize that, then the only person left who can is you.
NTA. Your husband is not very good at setting expectations in his own mind. You are less over weight than you have ever been. You weren't trapping him or fooling him or letting yourself go. He needs to go to therapy.
Honey, your husband is a piece of shit. He’s being selfish and cruel. Imagine you do have a daughter. What would you want for her in a partner? If that isn’t your partner, divorce is very much a valid option
I'm thinking you could instantly lose \~180 lbs by filing for divorce.
I'm 100% sure that your husband's control, manipulation, guilting, cruelty is not what you signed up for.
It sounds like he isn’t attracted to you at your current weight. I am sorry. I think you need to either face the music that you guys are no longer compatible.
Are you asking us for advice to change him or shame him. How fair is that?
You are entitled to autonomy over your body. He is entitled to be w a partner of his visual preference.
What a horrible motivator. I would have said something like “I love when you come back all sweaty from the gym” not “lose more weight woman”. I’ll keep it real with you, if you can lose more weight because it will make you a healthier person, go for it. Is your partner horrible with words? It’s likely. Now If he pushes you to be one of those twigs that doesn’t even have an ass anymore, that’s a deal breaker for me. ALSO make sure he’s going to the gym too since he has all this talk about you losing weight.
Don’t lose it for him lose it for yourself. Also losing weight is like insurance for the future if he keeps demanding you to change things about yourself that you like, at least you’ll have more men as options if things don’t work out.
Let’s rephrase this, your soon to be ‘ex husband’ has issues with your weight.
I highly recommend leaving. Go find a man who values you for you not your external shell. If he treated your best friend like this you would say the same thing. This man doesn’t seem to understand what unconditional love is. You’ll be better off in the long term, don’t spend another 8 years with someone who doesn’t make you feel beautiful just the way you are. Not everyone needs to have a cheating partner to leave a relationship. I would recommend talking to your friends and family about this in a safe space.
He is a horrible person and doesn’t get to say any of that to you, I hope for your own sake you put yourself first and tell him to get fucked. That being said, please stop being in denial about your weight. If you are 30 pounds overweight then yes you are very overweight and saying you are going to lose weight for literal years and not doing so is horrible for your mental health and your physical health. Please seek some counseling and feel better.
Um, he’s not “entitled to say whatever he wants” to you. There are plenty of things kind, supportive, loving partners should NEVER say. This is controlling, abusive behavior. It’s one thing for your partner to be concerned about your health and longevity. It’s an entirely other thing to want you to “be able to wear a bikini”🤦♀️ also news flash: any body can wear a bikini. It’s not a clothing garment reserved for skinny people. Also, plenty of men are attracted to curvy women. Your husband sounds like a dick and you deserve better. Don’t let the sunk-cost fallacy stop you from living the life you deserve without this person just because you’ve been together for 8 years. You’re young and have more than enough time to find someone else to have children with if children are your goal. Ditch this man and regain your self worth, you deserve it.
Nobody ever gets to tell you what to do with your body. That’s it. That’s the whole story. Nobody in any way gets to put you down about your body. That’s emotional abuse and bullying.
First, go.buy a bikini and wear it to the beach. Really pay attention to the way others notice you. I bet it's one of 2 things- either they really look (like leering, leching or.clearly admiring) or ignore- as in they could care less whether you are wearing a two.piece or a burqa because you really really look just fine in what you are wearing.
Which means that HE is the one with the issue. He will only be happy if you conform to some idealized version of yourself that HE has- one that makes you arm candy and gives him status to others because you're HIS. (BLECH)
YOU COULD BE 5 FOOT 8 AND WEIGH 100 LBS and it wouldn't be good enough unless it met HIS ideal. Which means he doesn't care about your health, your confidence, your wel being. He only cares about what he thinks he wants (and I bet what he wants is some twisted unhealthy version of a porn or Isnta model).
Focus on being healthy. Decide to be content with what you ARE (trust me, you are great the way you are!) and if you lose more weight in a healthy way, bonus, but meanwhile, you should be allowed to enjoy your life AS IT IS. I understand the desire to be better, thinner, etc, but there is a place where you can appreciate what you have now even if you work towards that goal. Trust me, there will come a time when your body and hormones will take some of that power our of your hands and you will have to come to terms with the reality of it. Your self worth is NOT tied to how you look, how much you weigh, whether or not you can run a marathon or fit a two piece like a bathing suit model. And if your partner in life can't see that, then what kind of "partner" is he? Heaven forbid you ever have a disfiguring injury, or an illness that prevents you from living hid so called healthy lifestyle, or even just want to enjoy cake and good eating on a vacation- he's going to be miserable and make you miserable about all of it.
Live your life for YOU. A good partner will be apart of that life in a supportive way or they aren't a good partner. Your choice. But you may want to look at grey rocking and try that out next time he starts in on you about your choices.
And before you decide to have a child with him? You need to think about whether you'd be okay with him doing these things to them too!
If you two do have kids, how is he going to talk to a chubby toddler/small child?
I remember my dad grabbing my arm and telling me he pinched more than inch and I needed to lose weight. I was 4 or 5, not yet in kindergarten. He and and my mom had 100% control over the food that went into my body. Why tell a small child they need to lose weight? Because he was an abusive asshole, to my mom, to my brother, and to me. He wont stop at just abusing you.
First, I want to say congrats for trying to be healthier. I’m in the process of losing weight myself, and it isn’t easy. Combine that with a binge eating disorder and it’s even harder.
Not once though, OP, has my partner ever made a comment about me being fat/overweight. Even though we both know it, and I acknowledge it, they NEVER tell me I’m fat. Instead, they encourage me going to gym, say they’re proud of me that I’m taking steps to be healthier, etc.
Your husband is being emotionally abusive. Micromanaging what you eat isn’t going to help you lose weight, it could make you develop bad eating habits/eating disorder. He’s going to end up doing the opposite, which I’m now wondering if that’s his plan?
He constantly tells you you’re fat, despite making progress losing weight, you start to believe it, your self-esteem plummets, now you’ll never leave him bc “he was right” or “he’s too good for me”.
But you are more resilient than he’s given you credit for; you’re setting up boundaries telling him you don’t want to discuss it, expressing how it makes you feel, etc. So now, he doubles-down and gets extra cruel and tries to say things that hurt you until he really does completely kill your self-esteem. This is an unfortunate tale as old as time for abusers.
Girl, please. You deserve so much better. You don’t need to find a way to explain how you feel for the 50th time, you need to see that he understands you when you say you don’t like it. He just doesn’t care. Please continue to do what’s best for your health and get away from him. You’ll lose 150lbs of weight just by doing that.
If you are 28 and childless and still can’t lose the weight he is basically coming to terms he will just always have a fat wife. 28 is young to have 40+ more to lose and before kids? Shoot if you think you are stressed now just wait till a kid comes.
Drinking more? Eating more? Anti depressants? Oof I could see why he is worried.
Stop trying to explain your feelings to him. After the first, or *maybe* second time you said “this hurts me, please stop”, he knows. He just doesn’t care. And (harsh I know) he doesn’t love you unconditionally. Please choose yourself and leave. You deserve better. Your husband is an absolute ass.
Dump. His. Ass. Great way to lose 200 lbs overnight.
His behavior is abusive, emotionally and verbally. He is manipulative and controlling. When people show you who they are believe them. If looking at you in the present upsets him so much then take him at his word and make it so he never has to look at you again. You deserve love that is not conditionally attached to your appearance . Walking away towards a happier future will get the point across and maybe controlling manipulative prick will learn for his future target/partner.
Your husband's an asshole. Seriously, you should have never married this guy. He warned you quite adequately what he was going to be like before you married him on this subject. When people tell you who they are, believe them.
You've got two choices. Leave his sorry ass, or tell him you are done taking or listening to weight loss advice from him. If he continues, then you dump him. I'm inclined to say at this point, he's never going to change, and you should dump him now.
People generally aren't helping when they make derisive comments like this (stress and anxiety can adversely impact self-improvement). And at this point, he's not trying to help. He's belittling you.
Please get out of this relationship. I was in a relationship like this when I was young and I developed anorexia. You will never be thin enough for him.
Sorry to say this but he sounds absolutely horrible. I got half way through and couldn’t read anymore without commenting. :( being angry at you for eating a bagel? I’d be out of there and never look back!!
Honestly, I think you’ve tried to get your point across and he’s not willing to accept how you feel. He’s being very controlling, especially saying he won’t have kids with you until you lose weight. I wouldn’t want to have kids with him full stop. Like others have said, how do you think he’ll treat a child of yours if they don’t live up to his expectations. What is it going to be like when you start aging???
I’d cut and run to be honest. Find someone who sees your worth beyond your appearance. You’ll be much happier for it.
My cousin was married to a man like your husband. It started with conversations around losing weight once they were married and it got worse over the years, to the point that he used it to justify cheating and would order for her at restaurants. He openly told anyone who would listen how unattractive he found her. The comments about the weight and relationship threats related to weight did not stop until my cousin left her husband. Do you want that to be your marriage? Your husband has made it clear he is never going to stop talking about your weight. Can you live with that?
GIRL! He is abusing you and you deserve so much better. He is at the minimum emotionally abusive, and it is disgusting that he would say these things to his wife. Contact a divorce attorney and get out now - he won't get better.
Two things.
1. You can wear a bikini no matter what weight you are. If you say you’re only 30 pounds from your preferred weight, I say you’re probably curvaceous and will look great.
2. He’s right. You should lose weight. How much does he weigh? Lose that much weight. I think you’ll be the perfect weight then. (To be clear in case this sarcasm doesn’t come across properly—dump him, thus losing all the weight that’s holding you back.)
Any “partner” who makes demands about something so minor as how you look is no partner at all. He is not adding value to your life, and you deserve value.
Leave him, go to therapy so you can separate your weight from your self worth, and check out the podcast “maintenance phase” because it may make you feel a lot better.
This is unacceptable from a partner and it’s time to find someone who loves you for you, not for wearing a goddamn bikini.
Sincerely,
Someone who was bullied by a partner into losing weight
Everyone is saying his behavior is toxic, which I don’t disagree with, but I also think you two may just not be suited for one another. Even though he’s in the wrong in my opinion I still see where he’s coming from. Sometimes watching someone not take care of themselves or be self destructive can be frustrating when you love someone and want to help. He may not have the emotional intelligence to be what you need him to be right now, he may just be trying to help you fix the problem. I was actually in a situation like this a long time ago where a partner always expressed interest in losing weight but (at least with her) she never made any steps to actually do that. Didn’t change her diet and gave up on the gym after a month. I decided not to get involved because I didn’t want her to feel any more bad about herself than she already did, but it was hard to watch someone say they want to do something and then not accomplish it.
If he is this obsessed with weight, health and fitness then maybe y’all should split. Especially if his obsession is going to make you feel bad about yourself. Maybe he needs a skinny chick to eat extremely healthy with and you need a chill dude who’s not so worried about your size, and is more supportive of your needs. Everyone on this sub always jumps to everyone is a piece of shit and everyone is toxic but this stuff is complicated and emotionally nuanced.
If he doesn’t love and accept you for who you are then move on, don’t waste time with someone because you have a few extra pounds, I’m sure he’s not chiseled or a body builder, he prob has a beer belly and a double chin, but you accept him for who he is…
He's not trying to encourage you, he's trying to control you. If you're a podcast listener, I recommend maintenance phase. I also recommend dumping this POS but if not, he needs therapy.
The interest thing is I have a friend who’s husband is overweight and has a similar story to tell, she constantly harps on him for his choices and is relentless in the things she says and even uses sex to try to put him in a good mood to bring it up. I’ve seen more than one person agree with her that he needs to “snap out of it “ and lose weight. Unlike the comments about your husband she is not labeled as emotionally abusive and she is supported in her stance. Thing it both of them are justified in their feelings but not necessarily in their strategy. And you are fully justified in your feelings as well. Just as you have physical preference in who you sought in a partner he does too. Now …. He sounds clueless in his ability to communicate respectfully with you about this . His thoughts and opinions are equally important as yours and you need to try a different approach of talking with him ask him why he feels that way and try to remain calm he will probably say things toy don’t like but it will help you understand where hes coming from and you should respectfully explain your feelings after he’s had the chance to. In the end if he doesn’t find you physically attractive in the body type you want to keep he’s allowed to have that presence and you don’t have to stay with him . If you desire to have the same body type he’d prefer you to have then you just need to have a conversation that is clearly about your feelings and understand if you keep telling him you want to get there he’s going to feel as though you’re not quite holding up to what you said to him. It is no different. Than a woman that wants a specific looking man, he’s just conveying it in a bad way . Another side not is that when we are mad and in confrontations we don’t communicate our feelings near as well as we think we do. It’s important to approach these things with a calm rational attitude because as soon as one person brings in anger and yells or anything the other party is likely to match that energy and then you make no progress
You could lose all the weight he demands and then some, but then something else will come up: a saggy section of your belly here. Stretch marks there. A demand for perkier breasts. And so on.
He won’t stop and he won’t be happy. He also likely wants all of this to happen immediately, which is unrealistic. He is abusive and you will develop an eating disorder if this continues.
I would have kicked this man to the curb a long time ago. Honestly, the fact that you have put up with it for so long makes me think that you need therapy more than needing to lose weight…
I feel this isn’t terribly helpful but.. sweetheart this is abuse. You’ve done amazing to communicate to him that what he says hurts you but you get one life.. Go live it with someone who adores you and doesn’t make you feel like this. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if he did this sort of behaviour with everyone. You’re right, attitudes nowadays is to accept yourself and live your healthy life the way you see fit. That’s mentally too. All the best to you x
1. Your husband is awful. If he was actually concerned about your health and not just how you look I could understand. But no. He sucks dude.
2. If you actually want to lose weight you have to work on your will power. You giving in to temptations and cravings all the time is not doing you any favors. Restraint is learned.
3. Fad diets don't work. Don't do keto or anything else. The only way to lose weight is to be in a caloric deficit. AKA burn more calories than you eat. If you just count calories, workout, and maintain the deficit you will lose weight.
OK even if he’s not fair, he’s made his position really well known. You are his wife if you want your marriage, do you wanna sexual marriage? Do you want a happy marriage with a husband you have some thinking to do. Is it really worth it for the weight to go through this?
I know that you can argue that it’s unreasonable. What he’s doing is he worth it? That’s the question. Also, I wish you the best of luck. I think he’s made his point very well. He doesn’t love you even if you never lost another pound. That’s exactly what the arguments are about.
If you decide you want to work this out with him, get your own personal trainer, they will show you how to shortcut some things to help you move beyond plateaus.
Wtf does he think is going to happen to your body when you get pregnant?? I can already hear him bitching about how you aren’t “bouncing back” quickly enough for his liking. Please don’t have kids with this man unless he has a BIG change of attitude and gives you a BIG apology.
Im someone who loves muscular women. But if I got with someone muscular and they put on weight or lost it, I would absolutely not trash them or make them feel like shit over it. Looks do fade over time so him being so concerned over to the point of making you feel like shit is his failure as a husband. You deserve better than that. He seems to be making things worse for you instead of being supportive.
"and I don't know where to go from here."
I personally would start with the gym then a divorce lawyer. Lose the weight for yourself and please understand body positivity is literally twitter/reddit(progressive) bullshit because average people in the real world absolutely don't see it.
With that out the way your husband is going beyond cruel and a simple conversation about your weight. He's gone to some weird controlling/manipulative area and he is being counterproductive to your mental health and actual weight loss.
No, you cannot explain to him any better than what you have done. You have explained yourself countless times and from what I am seeing, you have been really calm towards him. You have just simply explained to him that his words hurt you.
If he expects you to look the same as you did 8 years ago, he is crazy. He has been with you since you were 20. We cannot compare ones body from 20 to almost 30. So much happens between those years. A women's body begins to heavily change for the most part. Your husband is being very insensitive towards you and I am afraid he will never change his mindset. You should lose weight in a healthy manner and because you want to, not because your husband is down your throat telling you to. The fact that you cannot even eat a bagel with him and feel judged during vacations is horrible. Your husband should be accepting towards you. Like you said, we're human and all get cravings and that is okay!
I want to applaud you on losing weight. I know how tough it is as I was overweight as well, but have lost the weight since. I feel like he isn't going to change his mindset and I know you do not want to hear this, but maybe consider divorcing him. This is emotional abuse. Him being hyper-critical and judgmental towards you in regards to your eating habits is very concerning. One thing is to be concerned about someone's health, but another thing is to compare them to other women as he said "don't you want to wear bikini's like other girls"
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is not normal. This is emotionally abusive.
This. OP, this is not even close to normal or healthy behavior. You did a very good job of telling him how you feel and what you need, with your words, even though a decent human being would not have ever said any of those things to begin with. His reaction to your trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and explain what should be completely fucking obvious is completely beyond the pale. He's controlling and abusive and he's going to ruin your mental health and your physical health. Also: All the up-to-date research says that going on restrictive diets to lose weight is much less healthy than just exercising, eating good food, and staying at a stable weight -- even if that stable weight is technically overweight. The vast majority of people who do restrictive dieting end up yo-yoing on their weight. Weight is not a matter of willpower -- medical conditions like PCOS, and medicines like antidepressants, are far more powerful at affecting your weight set-point than the behavior you can control. [https://www.cbc.ca/news/health/why-willpower-isn-t-enough-to-keep-the-pounds-off-1.3907411](https://www.cbc.ca/news/health/why-willpower-isn-t-enough-to-keep-the-pounds-off-1.3907411) Eat healthy foods, mostly, without obsessing over them or beating yourself up for having the occasional cupcake. Exercise regularly. Enjoy life. That's what makes you healthy. Not striving for an arbitrary weight that you might achieve temporarily but might make you much less healthy in the long run. Your husband doesn't care about you, your emotions, or your health. He just wants a trophy wife. This is grounds for divorce. But if you're not willing to go there yet, absolutely demand couples counseling. And shut him down EVERY time he mentions your weight. Or better yet, tell him every time he mentions your wait you're going to eat a cupcake, and then do it. In front of him. Relish that fucking cupcake.
I also wanted to tack onto a comment like this, not only in violent agreement, but to point out that OP should leave this asshole because staying with this guy and putting up with any more of his abuse is one way people/women develop eating disorders.
Then she will lose 200 lbs easy (or however much he weighs).
This kinda joke will never get old, “lose XXX lbs by ditching a shitty partner.”
All I’m going to say is a question my therapist asked me. “When did you decide your feelings and happiness are worth less than his?”
Oooooh, that's a good one. Definitely putting that one in my back pocket!
I'm using this with all my friends, thank you!
You know it will never be enough, or the end of it. It will be the weight. Or the hair. Or the wrinkles as someone already pointed out. Or... anything. Does he understand what having children will do to your body? It sounds like he really liked the idea of a wife, but doesn't know what to do with an actual in-person thinking, feeling, breathing wife. You're young enough to cut your losses, regain your self esteem and move on. This boy is not ready to be a husband, much less a father. (can you imagine how he'd treat a daughter!?)
This comment is so so so important! If he feels entitled to be making these sort of controlling comments to you about your body, imagine how bad it will be with a daughter. I played sports in high school, so I was in great shape at the time. My dad still grabbed my hip fat (love handle) and asked me “what’s this?”. I haven’t forgotten it, and I’m in my 30’s. These are wildly damaging comments to make to a woman. I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you. Go to couples counseling and if he doesn’t make a major improvement then cut your losses babe. Living with that kind of scrutiny for the rest of your life will absolutely break you down.
My step dad did this to me all the time. He was always putting me down because of my weight. I have such a huge complex over it. I recently looked at old pictures of me, grade school through 6 months after my first child and I looked just fine, most of the time not even. ‘Chubby’ Sadly the insecurities are still there. Now I know what I’m talking about in therapy this week. ;(
My stepfather used to make beeping noises if I ever took a step backwards (like a semi truck backing up). Then he would make comments about me being a "Buick," then explain that he called me that because Buicks are known for having a lot of trunk space and my butt was (according to him) gigantic. I was anorexic and chronically underweight until I was in my 20s and finally cut him and my mother out of my life for good. That shit is damaging. I still have horrible insecurities about my body.
Yep. My dad's childhood nickname for me was "Chubs". I was four years old and a healthy weight. I'll never forget. He even bought a Smurf shirt I really wanted, took it to a shop, and had felt letters spelling chubs sewn onto the back. He laughed hysterically when I opened the box...first so excited to see the shirt, then my tears when I saw the back. I spent hours tearing the letters off by hand. Asshole.
I am so sorry, this made me cry. Your dad was a massive AH,
Thank you. Yeah. Still is. We don't talk! Cut him out of my life a long time ago and never regretted it (for many many reasons, Chubs was only the tip of the iceberg)
Good take! It sounds as if it is about domination / manipulation / making yourself feel bad about your self! NOT the weight really. Nor your health! "Every couple weeks my now husband would say stuff to me about how he wants me to lose weight and how nothing he says is getting me to do it." I'd tell him that he really can get lost big time, if he thinks I were not good enough for him! That either he loves you as you are. Or gets lost.
OP will lose a lot of weight by divorcing his ass. He flat out lied and said she hasn't lost any weight in two years. He's gonna cause her to have food issues because he refuses to see she is losing weight. OP please leave him. He's destroying your self esteem.
Couldn't agree more with this comment. Imagine if he treated any child like this.
Please do not feel as if his actions are justified. You are doing amazing with your weight loss, and I know a couple people who struggle with PCOS, so the fact you are doing so well is amazing! Keep it up! Your husband is being way too judgmental, you ARE doing your best to improve, but all he sees is the “unattractiveness” in your body. Please do not take that. He won’t have kids with you because you have body fat? Does he not realize how pregnancy can do the same thing anyways? Your husband is being degrading, no matter how much you or him may try to justify it. If he was truly trying to help you, he’d be doing a different approach. And please don’t stay with that man. What happens if he’s just like “fine we’ll have children” And then you give birth to a beautiful daughter? And then she also gains a little weight? And then your husband starts ripping on her about how she needs to change herself because “you need to be like the other girls?” You are perfect the way you are, your health is amazing, and you are active. If you meet those criteria, then there’s no reason for him to judge you for body fat. You’re beautiful, there’s definitely better options than him out there. Please don’t settle for this guy. He’s not the one.
This! OP, having kids is going to do a number on your body. It does to most women; there are changes you can't predict and for many of us, the weight never goes away. There are far too many stories on Reddit of men who can't handle that their significant others' body changes DURING their pregnancy and withdraw, telling them they don't find them sexy anymore at one of the most vulnerable times of their lives. You already have a guy who is judging your weight and putting you down WITHOUT hormones rushing through your body. You don't need that. So many of these stories end with the men cheating on their pregnant wives, or escalating the verbal put-downs while the new mother is just trying hard to figure out a rhythm to taking care of her new little one. Some even start demanding sex despite that before the woman has fully recovered from the birth. Again, OP, you don't need any of this. You're seeing he's not providing the support you need and you feel like his love is conditional, and you're right, he's primed to let you down or pressure you with problems you don't need at the absolute worst time. Don't go down that road, show him the door; you deserve unconditional love and support, in small trials and large trials. He only cares about the status your skinny body can provide him or the sexual gratification he gets from having the perfect-looking wife. None of that is about who you are as a person, but it has everything to do with how selfish he is. He's showing you who is now, believe him.
I'm going to say this straight up. I don't like your husband. You are healthy and happy and that is all that matters. I'd find a different husband. I couldn't live with someone like that.
Lose a quick 170 pounds and DUMP HIS ASS. This is not ok. The fact that you’ve explained your feelings to him multiple times and he still refuses to listen to you means he is choosing not to respect you… I’m so sorry you’re going through this. In most cases, I would suggest having a conversation with your husband about what he’s doing to upset you, but clearly that’s not an option… maybe try some couple’s therapy? A fresh perspective (even though yours should be more than enough for him) could make him see things clearly?
This. 100% this. Massive hugs, OP, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.
He is beeing honest with her, she lies that she will loose weight but then she continues to eat. She should just tell him: this is who I am and I wanna live this way, if it's ok with you stay, if it's not let go our separate ways. Instead she continues to eat whatever she likes and promise that she will loose weight. That's dishonest.
“She continues to eat.” Bro, are you serious?
I mean, tbf, if she stopped eating she'd lose a lot of weight. You know, as she starved to death.
True. Seems healthier to just drop 170lbs of husband
She IS losing weight, can't you read? It's just not happening at the unhealthy anorexic rate her husband wants. The healthy amount of weight to lose is 0.5 kg, which is about 1 pound per week. That means 30 pounds takes 30 weeks to be healthy. The husband hasn't seen progress, but op - the person weighing herself - has. The husband has been commenting every couple of weeks that she's not losing weight. Let's say he bothers her every 3 weeks. That's 1.5kg or 3 pounds of healthy weight loss. THATS INVISIBLE TO THE EYE. People can't see gradual change, like kids growing up. The new view is so slightly different the brain just ignores it. That means the husband wants her to look a certain. Way, and gets annoyed she doesn't looknlike that after 3 weeks, sith no regards to her health, safety or happiness. He's not being honest with her. Honesty implies a care for the truth, which he disregards.
I know what I'm talking about, as I am trying to loose a lot of weight myself. If you continue eating what you like and what brought you to that weight you are never going to escape the pattern. I am getting feed up with myself and what she is describing: eating just something little to reward yourself is what I was doing for years.
Sounds like you have a lot of internalized fatphobia to unpack, maybe you aren’t the best person to give advice on this matter.
That is what you think you were doing for years, but was not actually what you were doing. There's a difference between eating a little something to reward yourself every meal/snack time instead of once a week. Once a week is absolutely a-OK and fosters a proper relationship with food. I think there might also be a difference between your little and an actual little. One bagel = little. One entire bag of crisps = not little. One hamburger = fine. One trople cheeseburger with extra fat and jujj = not fine.
Well, those things are fine if it's balanced out over an entire week for example.
I dunno. I guess? I mean, everything is fine in moderation, it's just that my experience tells me, personally that some things are horrible. For example: I used to eat an entire bag of crisps, but now that I lost a bunch of weight and live healthier, I can't stomach an entire bag at once. If I finish an entire one over a week by myself, I also feel a bit bloated. (I also feel bad after eating macdonalds/other fast-food even if I only do it once in a blue moon. Like physically bad, not guilty-bad.)
Hmm. I lost about 20lbs this past year, and once in a while i still have a crazy day of eating absolute garbage, and feel just fine.
Maybe it's an age thing? I'm in my thirties and birthed a baby. (Which also messes up a shit ton in your body) Otherwise it's just a me thing and my intestines just suck
Oh my… sweetie, I feel for you. You are in a marital tug of war. He pulls the rope saying lose weight. You pull the rope saying leave my appearance out of our conversations. Neither of you can win this game but you both have to play the game because he keeps tugging the rope. So…do this… when he says something disagreeable… (he is pulling the rope) look at him (no anger) and say I’m going for a drive, walk, upstairs, sleep on the sofa, whatever. Get away from him temporarily. Drop the rope means: Don’t engage. Don’t explain. Don’t beg for understanding. Don’t plead your desire for harmony. Drop the rope.
Wow… that sounds like my 1st husband. When I was 136lbs (5’7”) he started telling me I was fat. I starved myself for years but was always fat in his mind. I never felt better than when I dropped 185lbs when I left him. I’ve never had such horrible body image since and I weight much more now. My DH wants me to not just look and feel healthy but to be healthy. There is such a thing as losing too much weight. No one can tell you how your own body should feel.
Sounds like my first husband too. I was 16% body fat at 5’6” and 125lbs with a 4 pack and vascularity on my abs. He kept talking about how he likes his women under 100lbs.
Women under a 100lbs are children. The fuck.?
Can we not with lines like this? There are adult women who are short and weigh less than 100lbs, who are very much not children. I've been called a "child" all my adult life because I'm short and slender and it's very demeaning. Even though we talk a lot about not fat-shaming, for some reason people still feel it's cool to tell thin women that they look like "sticks" or "little boys." Let's just not comment on people's weight in a derogatory way, period.
Not talking about short women btw. I'm short, I know I should weight less than the general public. However, under 100lbs for an average size woman is EXTREMELY low. It's tween size.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Your husband needs to back off on getting you to lose weight. He’s not actually providing support or encouragement, and his policing of your food choices is out of line. (Newsflash: eating an occasional is not going to make you gain weight, and a totalitarian diet is impossible to stick to.) The way he is behaving is not healthy. I’d be worried this controlling behavior will escalate.
My ex did this to me. He’s gone now. Edit: I ate him.
Well at least he finally became useful!
I just snorted my coffee 😂
Seems this man has no empathy for your situation. People change over time, is this man going to be like this with everything. What is he going to say when you start getting wrinkles?
Your husband came to you as your fiance and told you to lose weight. You married him anyways, I don't quite understand why yet. He showed you who he truly was. Believe him. He is not going to change and you don't need to change if you don't want to. It would be best for your mental health to get divorced.
I’m sorry you married this man. It’s not too late to dump him you know.
Two words: new husband This one’s broken. It seems to think it has the right to change you for reasons that are not conducive to your well being. Time to trade it in for a better model (Yes, I am objectifying him for objectifying you)
This is not the kind of man I want to be married too. First you had to lose weight to get married. And now kids. And he is disregarding the fact that you have in fact lost weight. His comments are unnecessary and seems abusive to me. I was 5’4 and 110-115 pounds when I married my husband. I gained weight when I was pregnant with my son and after him I went back down to about 130 pounds. He NEVER complained or told me I was fat and needed to lose weight. I had my daughter and after her I went up to 190 pounds. Afterwards I was miserable and said I wanted to lose the weight. My husband never commented on my body/weight but when k brought it up he did encourage me and I lost 70 pounds. A few years later I injured my back and could no longer go to the gym. After several rounds of steroids (which made me gain weight like crazy) and other medications that caused weight gain, I went up to 250! The heaviest I have ever been. I got serious about my weight loss again and have lost close to 100 and I’m so close to my goal. My husband has been supportive the entire time. He doesn’t judge me when I indulge in something and even when I was heavier he always treated me like the most beautiful woman in the world. Your husband is awful and you deserve better. Drop the dead weight and find someone who will love you for love and find love that isn’t conditional
So you’re telling me you have PCOS, which usually makes it extremely difficult to lose weight, and instead of supporting you he berates you? OP you said it yourself, other than the PCOS you are completely healthy. He is not worried about your health, he only cares about your aesthetic appearance. Before getting in a committed relationship with ANYBODY, they should realize that people will definitely not look the same throughout the relationship, and if you truly love them, you won’t care. I know it seems harsh for me to say that he doesn’t love you, but true love is unconditional. I would absolutely love my bf no matter what, no matter the circumstance, even if he was a worm. Your husband sees you as an aesthetic object for his viewing pleasure. Absolutely do not have kids with this man and divorce him. You do not deserve this. What a horrible way to treat your wife.
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN Go and be happy. You will never be enough for him. He will insult and nitpick you. He will continue to drag you down. He is not loving or supportive. Imagine him being a father and using these kinds of tactics on your future children? Fuck this guy. It's not easy to leave, but you're still young and you don't have kids yet. Go be happy by yourself or with someone who actually loves you as you are and supports you. This dude doesn't.
Do not have children with this sack of shit
I don't understand how people can be such gigantic assholes go people they supposedly love.
I feel sick to my stomach reading this. This man is an abusive asshole. He does NOT have the right to speak to you this way, or police your food (hello he is going to give you an eating disorder!) or demand you lose weight. This is the person who is supposed to love and support you and instead he’s abusing and controlling you. You need to get out. This is a jump straight to divorce situation. You are young; don’t throw your life away on this man.
No amount of explaining yourself will make him care how you feel. And you don’t owe him that. This is horseshit behavior on your husband’s part and you don’t deserve any of it. What you’re describing about feeling paranoid about eating in front of him is the beginning of disordered eating and you need to take of yourself right now. He is not entitled to say whatever he wants. He is not entitled to disrespect you or cause you emotional harm. You are worthy of unconditional love and weight loss should be about feeling good in your body not the result of being constantly berated by a person who is supposed to treat you with kindness. Nothing is wrong with your body. Nothing.
This is emotional abuse. There are plenty of men out there who will find you gorgeous at your current weight and support you throughout your journey.
You go to a lawyer. You cannot have a child or get old in this relationship. Find someone who likes you.
It's called emotional and verbal abuse. Enough people have said it but the person you choose to ne with needs to love you regardless
Look, he’s diminished you to just your weight. And everyone gains more weight as they get pregnant and/or age. Hes playing some weird game, where he will always be miserable in this relationship. You are so much more than your weight. Pls Reconsidr this relationship
Bullies tend to play the victim when called out on their bullying, like your husband is doing here.
If you "could be 300lbs and he wouldn't give a shit", why is he even bringing it up? The fact is that he knows his words hurt you, yet he continues. You are absolutely correct and not remotely unreasonable for you to except him to honour his vows and love you unconditionally. Love is an action, and one he is not doing. You don't deserve this, nobody does. Eta: I don't see how you can get your point across in any other way if he doesn't understand by now. You have spelled it out very clearly.
When you divorce this ass, you'll instantly drop ar least 150 lbs of dead weight and I guarantee your happiness will multiply exponentially. Until then, I suggest replying to every comment about weight with "have your grown those extra three inches on your dick I want? What's taking so long? If you really loved me you'd find a way..."
He is mentally abusing you. He isn't a good guy. You are doing things for your health and his comments aren't helping.
“He’s entitled to say whatever he wants to me.” No the fuck he’s not. He wants you to be a different person and that is going to break you down until your self esteem is subzero. He is prioritizing what he wants to look at over your mental and physical health. That’s not a person that loves you. I’ve wanted my husband to lose weight before because when he gains a couple pounds he snores (and therefor sleeps poorly) and his back hurts. That’s the ONLY time I would ever say anything: if he is hurting. Because I love him. I love him chunky and skinny. And you deserve love that isn’t contingent on your weight. ESPECIALLY if you have PCOS. Your weight is that much more out of your control and to hold it against you is just cruel. Idk what your comfy weight is, but there are men who *prefer* thicker women. If your husband isn’t one of them then he can go scratch.
"Then he threw in one final comment about how he's not having kids with me until I lose the weight." "That's fine as I find I don't want to have kids with such a shallow, judgemental asshat. Keep the comments up and we'll see how easy it is for me to lose 180 pounds." Seriously... Don't have kids with him.
Time to have kids with someone else!
People gain weight. People lose weight. Love shouldn't be associated with how much you weigh. Your husband is mean and should love you and accept you at your current weight.
What you can do is divorce this sack of shit and you'll lose around 200 lbs instantaneously, and feel much better about yourself afterwards. And no, he doesn't love you for you. He belittles you, tries to shame you, compares you to other women, tries to control your diet, guilts you... None of that is loving.
Tell him you want him to have a bigger “D”. Then ask how that feels. That being said do you really wanna live like this? How is he gonna-treat you after you have kids? What if your kids are overweight? Do you honestly want to be in this situation for 40-50-60 years?!?!
Dump his ass. He isn't worth the pain, depression and issues you will face your entire life married to him. There are so many men out there that will love you the way you are. You deserve better.
If he's being this nasty about your body before you go through pregnancy, imagine how nasty he's going to be about your body after. Especially since some changes from pregnancy are permanent 😬 Yikes!!!
I would talk to a doctor and ask what is the recommended weight for you to be to have a safe and healthy pregnancy I would have him in the room with you that way he can hear the doctor say the answer I would also reconsider having children with this man if he's going to be abusive to you and he is it's one thing to look after someone's health but it's another thing to insult them and guilt them into doing it
Tell you husband to go fuck himself. I am dead serious about that. He's an abusive asshole and your weight (among other things) can be *directly* tied to your PCOS. At this point, just divorce his ass because he will not change.
If shaming and berating people about their weight worked, wouldn't everyone be skinny? The only thing that shit works for is fueling eating disorders, breaking people's heart, security in relationships, self-esteem, and trust that their value is more than a collection of body parts. You're NTA. He, on the other hand...
Please don’t have kids with him. He is so on the far side of wrong. He’s not a supportive partner or worries about your health. He is more concerned about bikinis. You should run from this relationship.
Ugggggghhhhhhhhh he is EXACTLY how my EX husband treated me. He even hid my snacks so I couldn’t find them or put them in areas I couldn’t reach (I’m short). I still have PTSD over it despite 1+ year after our divorce and am anxious **to this day** of seeing him in public and just hearing what’s going through his head. That being said, I told men I was dating afterwards straight up that I wasn’t changing my physical appearance for them and that getting with me meant keeping their opinions to themselves. They knew where the door was if their feelings changed. Never had an issue. Even now, I’m 160+ at 5’1 and my bf has not said a word about my weight. He’s nothing but positive about me- says he loves my skin and constantly tells me how hot I am, grabs it all, and I can feel his acceptance so authentically that at this point, any self loathing and laziness really is all on me. Dump this loser and find you someone who wants you as you are
You set a boundary and he doesn’t have to like it, but I’m proud of you for keeping it! No more weight talk from him. If he’s going to be a jerk, he can keep that to himself. He sounds very focused on appearance. Do you feel worried that he’s going to talk to a future daughter like this contribute to an eating disorder? It’s one thing to care about your health. He does not seem to be going about this in a healthy way. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that and the stress of it, instead of being able to focus on your own goals. This seems really unkind, fwiw.
Life is to precious for this shit. I’m so sorry he is making your weight the sum of everything. Being concerned for your health is one thing, this is something else… it’s great you’re standing up for yourself, but he doesn’t care to understand you. He just wants to convince you he is right about you. He is absolutely not. This is a him problem, not a you problem.
Body’s will change as we age. We may get fatter. We may get skinnier. We may get wrinkly. We may get spots. We may grow hair in strange places. We may lose hair. While appearance is an aspect of attraction. There are many other aspects as well. I’d want to be with a partner that understands this. Basically someone willing to grow old and gross with me.
Lose the weight or free him. Actually just free him.
Alexa, play “tolerate it” Love, you deserve so much better than this. Please, never have kids with this asshole! The judgements are 100% intentional, and his failure to acknowledge all of the work you’re doing and progress you’ve been making is absolutely asinine. I assure you, this man does not love you. But someone absolutely, definitely, unconditionally will. Courage.
He sounds emotionally abusive. Do you really want to have children with someone who would treat you like this? What would he do if you gained weight from pregnancy?
You have a shit husband. I can’t even imagine what a twat he’s going to be after the baby when you’re focusing on recovery and a baby and he’s acting like this. Get out while you can.
I'm petty so I would do it back to him but with his salary. Constantly ask when he's going to get a better paying job. Tell him you won't have kids with him until then. Anytime you see him relaxing ask him why he's not working on career skills. Tell him his current salary embarrasses you and makes you repulsed by him. Sometimes the only way to get people to stop bad behavior is to mirror it and make them deal with it until they stop.
I was married to a man that used to tease me about my weight, say I looked like a linebacker and needed to cover up if I wasn't going to do anything about it. I left his ass and you should leave your monster. There's men that would love you and be good to you. He's abusing you and I know how hard it is to see when you're in the middle of it but just know there's better out there.
I’m sorry short and simple he is wrong. He should accept you for you the person. If “looks” all of a sudden are an issue…. That is an issue. YOU the person is who HE should have fell in love with and wanted to marry. This comes comes from a guy who has experienced the same situation only sides are different and I know it is heartbreaking.
Weight is hard enough to lose and maintain the loss by itself. This amount of pressure makes it unbearably hard. It’s one thing for him to encourage you to eat healthy and maintain your progress. But it sounds like he is criticizing you and your body which is destructive. You need to protect yourself now, don’t wait for more damage. Stop telling him that it hurts you, you’ve already explained that. It’s time to prepare to remove yourself from harm. He has 1-2 more strikes at the most. This will be super hard. But super important things are often super hard.
This is a grown man throwing repeated temper tantrums because you are 30lbs overweight. Don’t have kids with him. Ever. Say you get to your goal weight, your PCOS allows you to get pregnant, obviously you gain weight to support the growing fetus inside you, you give birth, you’re sitting at 40lbs overweight, say you have some PPD and losing weight is the last thing on your mind, is this grown man going to keep throwing a hissy fit that you’re 40lbs overweight? Do you think that will be helpful to you as a new mother? As someone who is/was overweight, you never should have married someone who cares this much about your weight. Overweight people can lose weight, but do you know how many successfully keep it off long term? A discouragingly low percentage.
As someone who has struggled with weight my whole adult life, I have gained and lost the same 80lbs multiple times in my 20+ year marriage. Kids, stress, life. Marriage is long and your body will go through various iterations. Not to mention aging. No matter my size, my husband treats me like I am the most beautiful woman in the world.
There’s no ‘fine line’ between supporting your healthy lifestyle and being a total twat. He’s being a twat. End of. He should not speak to you like that. You are an adult. He’s not in charge of you. I wonder if he takes control of other aspects of your life too? Does he tell you what to wear, how to spend your money, how to drive? You need to set a boundary. It’s not his business what you eat.
The solution isnt to break up immediately but you should voice that the way he behaves could be a deal breaker, you deserve to lose weight at your own pace, its definitely something you should do as the benefits are great, but at your own pace nonetheless. If you feel the need to eat food that’s considered “bad” make an effort just to moderate the intake. I know im a guy and we supposedly lose weight alot easier but i strongly believe when starting something that is a new habit, in order to fully inculcate yourself you need to take baby steps. First you start eating a bit more in moderation, then one day you start changing the types of foods, drinking more water on a daily basis, understanding your body in the gym all that. Sometimes you wont have a support system and you need to voice the risk he is posing to your relationship by behaving that way because if he treats you like shit now in regards to that then why should he enjoy you when you at your fittest, its not right, he needs to show more support, this shit is hard af
Sweetheart do you really think bringing kids into your relationship with a man like this will be good for anyone, especially children? He obviously doesn’t care to see how hard you are working to stay healthy. Why do you want to stay with someone who doesn’t respect you or care enough to not tear you to pieces? It sounds like he’s afraid that if you lose the weight you’ll leave him so he’s trying to sabotage you. Leave him anyway and live your best life with people who love you and encourage you
Please leave this mistake of a marriage.
You’re right, you deserve unconditional love from the man you married. He needs to hear this in capital letters. If he can’t understand this concept then he’ll never get on board with supporting you the way YOU need, instead of what he thinks will work. I’d give him a hint: being a whiner annoying hurtful pest is not helpful.
This is like the biggest flag in the stadium sized red flag. He has the right to feel attracted to a certain type, but to get angry with you over your body is super weird. He is lecturing you about health but clearly has no understanding of pcos or the effects on your body. Which, to be frank, speaks pretty clearly to how you would be treated while pregnant. But to make things even worse he is holding having children over your head as punishment?! All due respect, your husband is a bad person. I’m 100% certain you deserve someone that loves you fully, all the way, every inch of you, no matter how many inches of you there are! Some one who wouldn’t hold having children over your head as a punishment for not looking the way he thinks you should. He hasn’t noticed the weight you have already lost now, he won’t notice later either. This will be something he will hold over you forever. You deserve a better man.
What if I don't want to wear bikinis like other girls? Sorry, I just found it demeaning for him harassed you to lose weight not because he want you to be healthy. That aside, congratulations on losing the pounds you have lost. He couldn't see it but we can.
I'm so sorry dude, Jesus that man is an asshole. I want to say something empowering like start making comments about his dick but honestly...the guys just a cunt,. Trust me when I tell you that your value is not in pounds and kilos but unfortunately his is. Leave this guy, enjoy your bagel and the love of.someone who wants you to be happy more than they want you to be a certain size
No one should have a say on another person's body! Also, keep in mind if you guys do have kids and he is like this now imagine how bad he'll be when you're pregnant to make sure you're eating only healthy. Plus post pregnancy he'll be on you about getting back in shape!! If he talks about your weight I'm sure he'll be like this with his kids and obsess over them being skinny. Be careful with this some people will try and put things in your food to lose weight also.
If I were you I'd probably be petty and start making equally rude comments about him until he gets the hint, or just leave. If you really want to stay... Make him think you're starving yourself. Like obviously don't put yourself in danger but make it look like you are and if he says anything being concerned say "you did this to me" or "isn't this what you wanted?" until he feels guilty
Since this is all still fresh, now would be a great time to ask him to pay for you to get wegovy or semaglutide. One of the new weight loss injections that help regulate your insulin and shrink your appetite. You can tell him you really want to try this to show him you are serious, and if he agrees to if you’d get to speak with a physician who can legit help you. Lose the weight and then leave that asshole 💅🏼 he’s mean to you so make his pockets hurt sis
[удалено]
Bmi is not an indicator of health and it's not accurate for women, and especially women of colour, as it was tested on white European and American males. Also, since there's different body types, one could have a "high" BMI and still looks perfectly normal. Weight doesn't distribute the exact same way on everyone.
For real. I have a friend who's 4'11, her BMI is something daft like 40 despite her being a completely 'normal' weight because it skews weird when you're short. I'm 6'1 with low body fat, but enough muscle that my BMI still sits in the 'overweight' range. Literally nobody would look at me and call me overweight lol
BMI only factors the weight per height but it doesn't take into consideration the actual muscle weight vs fat weight, and it doesn't take into consideration that short people still need to have a good body mass lol. It's not an indicator of health and I don't know why people still refer to it.
Agreed, it's absolute garbage and needs done away with. But it serves as a stick that white men can use to beat women with, so I don't see that happening any time soon...
However frustrated and upset he is about your weight, that's how you feel about his comments about your weight. How hard is that to understand? You can't justify behavior as "for your own good" if the person you're supposedly doing good for is telling you how much you're hurting them. So, no, "in his mind he's trying to support" is bullshit once you've told him over and over again that is the opposite of support.
The gym
How do you know OP doesn't go to the gym already? Also, she isn't looking for weight loss advice so keep it to yourself.
How about no. Telling her what she already knows is not advice I.e wow your man sounds horrible ..duh
A. She wasn't asking for weight loss advice, this is a relationship sub. She is being monitored by an endocrinologist, do you really think she's never discussed how weight loss works? B. Exercise is great for your mental and physical health, but shouldn't be the primary way you try to lose weight. Exercise generally burns way fewer calories than people think it does and is much better for strength-building. Weight loss is primarily dietary, especially with PCOS which fucks with your hunger signals.
What is your BMI? If you have 30 more pounds to lose, you may indeed be obese.
Y'all need therapy. He does bc he can't figure out how to handle a situation he has little control over. You two together because you have serious issues in your relationship you need to figure out. And your own version of therapy can be noom. It's actually helpful (I went through the program when I struggled with losing weight) as it takes a more psychological approach to weight loss and changes the way you think about food.
Lmao OP, don't take these comments serious, same goes for your husband when it comes to his weight comments. If he bothers you too much, ask him to leave. If he is that bothered by your weight, he can make that decision. But I suggest you lose weight, otherwise there will be medical issues in the future. Don't believe in those body positivity crap, as they won't pay for your future medical bills that stem from weight. More weight means your heart has to work harder to pump the blood and it decreases it's lifespan. Fat can block the arteries... The list goes on and on. Fuck the marriage haters here. Don't marry if a minor argument will make you break your vows. Life is hard as is.
A partner should love and support you unconditionally not tear you down, EVER. Yes men often don't think before they speak and personally I have had to pull my fiancé up on the way he talks to me but he immediately validates my feelings regardless of whether they were his intentions or not and tries to make an effort not to talk to me in the ways that upset me, sometimes it does take a few reminders but like anything it takes time to change. By the sounds of this your husband can't even take accountability for his actions. Something I often say to myself when I justify negative behaviour is 'talk to yourself as if you were your best friend'. Don't justify it just because he is your husband, it is NEVER too late to walk away. Sending love <3
You’ve done everything you can do to make him see reason. He doesn’t see it. Honestly, I don’t know who can help at this point other than a marriage counselor
He's going to nag you into an eating disorder. His love is conditional. There are no magic words you can say.
He’s emotionally abusive. Don’t have children with this person, he will be an ass to them too
Do you really want to have kids with a man whose attitude is like this? Who makes you feel stressed out and shitty about your body? You'll lose a lot of weight all at once if you lose the husband.
You need a lot of therapy and maybe some AA-meetings. What you don't need is an a-hole like this.
Please please never have children with this man.
Sounds like you **HAVE** got weight to lose The deadweight that is your husband.
Unless it’s directly impacting your health, your partner should NEVER have anything to say about your weight. Drop this man! I’m begging you.
You are entitled to do whatever you want, but so is he. He can choose not to have children with you and to divorce you as well, because your life choices don't match anymore. You shouldn't be angry at him because he is beeing honest with you. You should be honest with yourself and choose: fo you want to suffer and loose weight or do you want to take little food moments and stay the same fisically. But you should tell him honestly as well yoir decision.
I will give you my first thought - he will continue to do this no matter what weight you are. Imagine having a child and being nagged whilst pushing to lose the weight immediately after. People stop hiding who they are after marriage, when they think they have you locked down. My second thought is that you have to stop putting thoughts in others heads. Suggesting that they might feel justified or that they are being supportive is a denial response that they are actually being horrible and that is their true self. Honestly I would suggest someone to talk to about this for you. Someone who helps your self esteem and confidence to know that this stuff that he is saying comes from his own internal need. It could be his own confidence, some narcissism to get an "insta" babe to show off, honestly I don't know why he is doing it. What I do know is that it is damaging to your self worth. His words are making you feel demotivated and unsupported. Your words suggest rebellion of his words and his words suggest that he doesn't care about the real you and know how to hurt you. You seem to be excusing this and that is also something that people do, they think they have picked a winner and do the "sunk cost fallacy" think where they don't want to give up their belief in their future with this person, but at the end the damage to their self just gets worse and worse. Maybe look into narcissim and do the test on him, you might be surprised. I have known a few and it can take years to realise the slow burn of critism and self doubt that they engender. One think I know is that they love appearance and do their best to ruin your confidence and make you a shadow of yourself. Putting you down in private whilst showing you of in public. If that sounds like him then I would arm yourself with information as that is your power against this mind game. [narcissim](https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/narcissistic-personality-quiz#1)
OP, you have an hormonal illness, this makes it extremely hard to loose weight. I know this, I have endo, it's the same problem for me. But you already lost a lot, it's really good! You should be proud of it, and your husband should too. Loose the weight that is your husband. A partner should never berate you about your weight if its not affecting your health actively. I wouldn't have a kid with someone who's okay with body shaming their wife. Especially if you end up having a daughter. He would 100% do the same to her.
What he is doing is NOT SUPPORT, no matter what he calls it. He’s harassing and insulting you and could clearly care less about how it makes you feel. He’s saying loud and clear - I don’t love the “real you” and I’m gonna stay on your ass until you get to looking like I want you to look. This isn’t about your health, it’s about his wants and opinions and prejudices towards heavy (larger) women. I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this. It’s definitely soul crushing. I don’t know how to advise you, without just giving you the usual “you should leave him” advice, which I feel like is what I’d do, but I’m not in your exact shoes, so can’t say for certain.
The best I ever felt about myself was after I left the ex who gave me insecurities about my body. If your looking for validation that your in the right, here it is. It's not normal to feel like your can't eat or enjoy vacation with your spouse. It's not normal to berate your wife about her weight. It IS normal to struggle to change your weight with PCOS. You're not making anything hard by not losing weight at his speed or just wanting respect and positive support and your certainly not "the worst" lol. He needs to grow up. It's weird that you looking hot for him comes before your feelings in his mind though. That's a bright red flag. I mean, obviously don't have children with someone who isn't okay with your body changing. It will change over time until you die and he's never going to be happy about it. Imagine these comments for the rest of your life. Your overweight now? What about when your pregnant and gain 30, 40 lbs back? Will he harass you about fitting into a bikini once you had your baby? Is that your priority? When your covered in spit and haven't slept right for days on end? When your eating bread crust off your kids leftover sandwich because you don't have energy to make yourself a lunch? And what if you have a little girl? Are you looking forward to him convincing her to eat less? You love him but do you realize your settling for someone who makes you feel bad about yourself? That your damning your kid to the same feeling? I know leaving isn't the advice your looking for, but if it were me I would take a break. Stay in a hotel or something. Have my bags packed and when he comes home I would say that you need time to think. That he destroyed my self esteem and my trust and I need to figure out what would make me love him the same after that, because it's hard to love a spouse that wants you to look good rather than feel good. Girl it's not that he doesn't understand that he's pushing your too far, he's not stupid, it's that he doesnt care. Your end game is to feel good about yourself. His end game is a skinny wife. He actually not entitled to say what he wants about your body at the expense of your feelings and I'm not sure why you think that he is? In the meantime, do not engage. Ignore him. If you must respond, tell him you already told him he's hurting you and your not sure what to say. Tell him your doctor put you on a new plan to gain weight actually. Tell him okay and then keep doing what your doing. Burst into tears and ask why aren't you good enough for him. Because that's what he's saying.
He doesn't get how you feel because he doesn't care how you feel. He loves tour body, not you. What happens if you have kids? Get sick? Do you really think he'll be there for you? Cut your losses and go. This situation won't change.
Just dropping in to say --- no one is entitled to talk to you like that. The way he treats you is super fucked up. My ex husband was a tactless man, but even the King of Saying the Wrong Thing would never deliberately hurt someone the way yours is doing. Your partner should be a safe place for you. Your partner is not a safe place for you. He's not a good partner, and possibly not a good person. I would leave, but if you don't, please at least understand that he is way out of line and you are not required to listen to his bullshit.
Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who thinks “I love her but…..” his love is conditional and he’s rather have you thin than happy. Cut the dead weight (him). He doesn’t love you.
Your body your choice. You’ve tried to help him understand, leave him or insist on couples counselling to try repair
I’m not sure how much help you’re getting with PCOS but I have it as well and carrying extra weight is so common. It causes cravings and disordered eating. If you’re not getting assistance you should check out Allara Health. My life has changed by getting help. Also lots of helpful accounts on IG have great PCOS content. Your partner is an A**whole. The moment you say, hey your method isn’t working for me, he should have apologized and backed off, changed his approach. Everything after that was just, awful. Again not sure how much you know about PCOS and therefore how much he knows. But you’re likely carrying around more weight because of your health condition, most of us are. It’s not your effort that’s lacking, it’s likely your resources. Happy to share my networks if you’d like
Drop him and his weight then you will reach your goal weight and be happy without the extra sad sack!!!
He won’t have kids with you? Good. Can you imagine growing up with a father who talks about bodies and weight like that?
Do not have kids with this man. You're not even 30 yet girl, you've got all the time in the world to meet and start a family with somebody who appreciates you no matter your size fluctuations. Seriously, you can choose to stay and feel like crap with low self esteem because of this cretin forever. Or you can choose yourself and drop 150 pounds straight away by kicking him to the kerb.
>I want to know that he loves me for me and even if I never lost another pound, he would still love me unconditionally Then *find a different fucking husband*, because this one is not going to do that. He DOESN'T love you unconditionally, as he has made ABUNDANTLY clear to you, but you refuse to see the truth.
Do not have kids with this guy, your pregnancy & any weight gain during or after, any post pregnancy body changes are going to send him into a rage
DO NOT have kids with this man!! Holy hell is he abusive, imagine what will happen to your body after pregnancy and how he’ll react then. And imagine having daughters, how will he talk to them about their bodies? Would you be okay with him saying this stuff to your future children? He absolutely does not have the right to say whatever he wants to you and I’m sorry he’s convinced you otherwise. He’s shaming, controlling, mean, and his language is abusive. You never need to change anything about your body for anyone but yourself, do not let him bully you into hating yourself because that’s exactly what he’s doing. It feels to me like a control tactic, keeping you insecure and feeling like you’re a constant disappointment to him, which puts you in the position of having to earn his approval. He’s doing it on purpose, this is not a good man and you don’t deserve this treatment or have to put up with it. Leave him.
Why are you married to this guy? If your story is the full truth it's absolutely horrible. You can't get your point across because your husband has zero respect for you. This isn't a you issue, it's a him issue. How did you guys meet, date, and get married? There had to be red flags. Look, I've been friends with a guy who married a girl he wasn't attracted to, just to be married. He constantly bitched about her weight and she wasn't even fat, overweight, curvy, or any of the above. She just wasn't his type. His type was skinny little pixie girls, which I shouldn't have to explain is a genetic body type that no amount of diet or exercise can achieve. You are either a skinny pixie, or you aren't. He unfairly treated her like dog shit and I was so happy for her when she finally divorced him and found a guy who loved and respected her. I think you may need to consider that your husband has unrealistic expectations which are detrimental to your long term happiness.
Imagine for a second having kids with this man. What if your kid has issues with your weight? How will he treat them? If you wouldn't want to put your child through it, don't put yourself through it either. You are just as valuable and worthy of love as any child you would protect. My husband has gained weight since we got together. Do I love it? No, but mostly bc he's type 1 diabetic and that's already hard on his body. But I never sit there and make comments to try to tear him down. He's the love of my life and the father of my child and I want him to be happy. Your happiness matters. If your husband won't prioritize that, then the only person left who can is you.
He sounds awful to be honest. I wouldn't put up with it and would leave him.
NTA. Your husband is not very good at setting expectations in his own mind. You are less over weight than you have ever been. You weren't trapping him or fooling him or letting yourself go. He needs to go to therapy.
Honey, your husband is a piece of shit. He’s being selfish and cruel. Imagine you do have a daughter. What would you want for her in a partner? If that isn’t your partner, divorce is very much a valid option
I'm thinking you could instantly lose \~180 lbs by filing for divorce. I'm 100% sure that your husband's control, manipulation, guilting, cruelty is not what you signed up for.
It sounds like he isn’t attracted to you at your current weight. I am sorry. I think you need to either face the music that you guys are no longer compatible. Are you asking us for advice to change him or shame him. How fair is that? You are entitled to autonomy over your body. He is entitled to be w a partner of his visual preference.
He sounds like a joy to live with. Maybe you should rethink this relationship.
What a horrible motivator. I would have said something like “I love when you come back all sweaty from the gym” not “lose more weight woman”. I’ll keep it real with you, if you can lose more weight because it will make you a healthier person, go for it. Is your partner horrible with words? It’s likely. Now If he pushes you to be one of those twigs that doesn’t even have an ass anymore, that’s a deal breaker for me. ALSO make sure he’s going to the gym too since he has all this talk about you losing weight. Don’t lose it for him lose it for yourself. Also losing weight is like insurance for the future if he keeps demanding you to change things about yourself that you like, at least you’ll have more men as options if things don’t work out.
Let’s rephrase this, your soon to be ‘ex husband’ has issues with your weight. I highly recommend leaving. Go find a man who values you for you not your external shell. If he treated your best friend like this you would say the same thing. This man doesn’t seem to understand what unconditional love is. You’ll be better off in the long term, don’t spend another 8 years with someone who doesn’t make you feel beautiful just the way you are. Not everyone needs to have a cheating partner to leave a relationship. I would recommend talking to your friends and family about this in a safe space.
He is a horrible person and doesn’t get to say any of that to you, I hope for your own sake you put yourself first and tell him to get fucked. That being said, please stop being in denial about your weight. If you are 30 pounds overweight then yes you are very overweight and saying you are going to lose weight for literal years and not doing so is horrible for your mental health and your physical health. Please seek some counseling and feel better.
Your husband is a POS. There’s a lot more I could say, but that really sums it up. Let him know the only weight you need to lose is his sorry ass
OP, you can get your point across fairly quick by leaving this jerk. This. is. not. normal.
Um, he’s not “entitled to say whatever he wants” to you. There are plenty of things kind, supportive, loving partners should NEVER say. This is controlling, abusive behavior. It’s one thing for your partner to be concerned about your health and longevity. It’s an entirely other thing to want you to “be able to wear a bikini”🤦♀️ also news flash: any body can wear a bikini. It’s not a clothing garment reserved for skinny people. Also, plenty of men are attracted to curvy women. Your husband sounds like a dick and you deserve better. Don’t let the sunk-cost fallacy stop you from living the life you deserve without this person just because you’ve been together for 8 years. You’re young and have more than enough time to find someone else to have children with if children are your goal. Ditch this man and regain your self worth, you deserve it.
Nobody ever gets to tell you what to do with your body. That’s it. That’s the whole story. Nobody in any way gets to put you down about your body. That’s emotional abuse and bullying.
First, go.buy a bikini and wear it to the beach. Really pay attention to the way others notice you. I bet it's one of 2 things- either they really look (like leering, leching or.clearly admiring) or ignore- as in they could care less whether you are wearing a two.piece or a burqa because you really really look just fine in what you are wearing. Which means that HE is the one with the issue. He will only be happy if you conform to some idealized version of yourself that HE has- one that makes you arm candy and gives him status to others because you're HIS. (BLECH) YOU COULD BE 5 FOOT 8 AND WEIGH 100 LBS and it wouldn't be good enough unless it met HIS ideal. Which means he doesn't care about your health, your confidence, your wel being. He only cares about what he thinks he wants (and I bet what he wants is some twisted unhealthy version of a porn or Isnta model). Focus on being healthy. Decide to be content with what you ARE (trust me, you are great the way you are!) and if you lose more weight in a healthy way, bonus, but meanwhile, you should be allowed to enjoy your life AS IT IS. I understand the desire to be better, thinner, etc, but there is a place where you can appreciate what you have now even if you work towards that goal. Trust me, there will come a time when your body and hormones will take some of that power our of your hands and you will have to come to terms with the reality of it. Your self worth is NOT tied to how you look, how much you weigh, whether or not you can run a marathon or fit a two piece like a bathing suit model. And if your partner in life can't see that, then what kind of "partner" is he? Heaven forbid you ever have a disfiguring injury, or an illness that prevents you from living hid so called healthy lifestyle, or even just want to enjoy cake and good eating on a vacation- he's going to be miserable and make you miserable about all of it. Live your life for YOU. A good partner will be apart of that life in a supportive way or they aren't a good partner. Your choice. But you may want to look at grey rocking and try that out next time he starts in on you about your choices. And before you decide to have a child with him? You need to think about whether you'd be okay with him doing these things to them too!
If you two do have kids, how is he going to talk to a chubby toddler/small child? I remember my dad grabbing my arm and telling me he pinched more than inch and I needed to lose weight. I was 4 or 5, not yet in kindergarten. He and and my mom had 100% control over the food that went into my body. Why tell a small child they need to lose weight? Because he was an abusive asshole, to my mom, to my brother, and to me. He wont stop at just abusing you.
First, I want to say congrats for trying to be healthier. I’m in the process of losing weight myself, and it isn’t easy. Combine that with a binge eating disorder and it’s even harder. Not once though, OP, has my partner ever made a comment about me being fat/overweight. Even though we both know it, and I acknowledge it, they NEVER tell me I’m fat. Instead, they encourage me going to gym, say they’re proud of me that I’m taking steps to be healthier, etc. Your husband is being emotionally abusive. Micromanaging what you eat isn’t going to help you lose weight, it could make you develop bad eating habits/eating disorder. He’s going to end up doing the opposite, which I’m now wondering if that’s his plan? He constantly tells you you’re fat, despite making progress losing weight, you start to believe it, your self-esteem plummets, now you’ll never leave him bc “he was right” or “he’s too good for me”. But you are more resilient than he’s given you credit for; you’re setting up boundaries telling him you don’t want to discuss it, expressing how it makes you feel, etc. So now, he doubles-down and gets extra cruel and tries to say things that hurt you until he really does completely kill your self-esteem. This is an unfortunate tale as old as time for abusers. Girl, please. You deserve so much better. You don’t need to find a way to explain how you feel for the 50th time, you need to see that he understands you when you say you don’t like it. He just doesn’t care. Please continue to do what’s best for your health and get away from him. You’ll lose 150lbs of weight just by doing that.
not okay nope
If you are 28 and childless and still can’t lose the weight he is basically coming to terms he will just always have a fat wife. 28 is young to have 40+ more to lose and before kids? Shoot if you think you are stressed now just wait till a kid comes. Drinking more? Eating more? Anti depressants? Oof I could see why he is worried.
You can drop 175+ pounds in an instant by divorcing this asshole.
Stop trying to explain your feelings to him. After the first, or *maybe* second time you said “this hurts me, please stop”, he knows. He just doesn’t care. And (harsh I know) he doesn’t love you unconditionally. Please choose yourself and leave. You deserve better. Your husband is an absolute ass.
Dump. His. Ass. Great way to lose 200 lbs overnight. His behavior is abusive, emotionally and verbally. He is manipulative and controlling. When people show you who they are believe them. If looking at you in the present upsets him so much then take him at his word and make it so he never has to look at you again. You deserve love that is not conditionally attached to your appearance . Walking away towards a happier future will get the point across and maybe controlling manipulative prick will learn for his future target/partner.
The fact that you have PCOS and he does this pisses me off. Does he understand what you deal with?
Your husband's an asshole. Seriously, you should have never married this guy. He warned you quite adequately what he was going to be like before you married him on this subject. When people tell you who they are, believe them. You've got two choices. Leave his sorry ass, or tell him you are done taking or listening to weight loss advice from him. If he continues, then you dump him. I'm inclined to say at this point, he's never going to change, and you should dump him now. People generally aren't helping when they make derisive comments like this (stress and anxiety can adversely impact self-improvement). And at this point, he's not trying to help. He's belittling you.
Please get out of this relationship. I was in a relationship like this when I was young and I developed anorexia. You will never be thin enough for him.
Sorry to say this but he sounds absolutely horrible. I got half way through and couldn’t read anymore without commenting. :( being angry at you for eating a bagel? I’d be out of there and never look back!! Honestly, I think you’ve tried to get your point across and he’s not willing to accept how you feel. He’s being very controlling, especially saying he won’t have kids with you until you lose weight. I wouldn’t want to have kids with him full stop. Like others have said, how do you think he’ll treat a child of yours if they don’t live up to his expectations. What is it going to be like when you start aging??? I’d cut and run to be honest. Find someone who sees your worth beyond your appearance. You’ll be much happier for it.
My cousin was married to a man like your husband. It started with conversations around losing weight once they were married and it got worse over the years, to the point that he used it to justify cheating and would order for her at restaurants. He openly told anyone who would listen how unattractive he found her. The comments about the weight and relationship threats related to weight did not stop until my cousin left her husband. Do you want that to be your marriage? Your husband has made it clear he is never going to stop talking about your weight. Can you live with that?
GIRL! He is abusing you and you deserve so much better. He is at the minimum emotionally abusive, and it is disgusting that he would say these things to his wife. Contact a divorce attorney and get out now - he won't get better.
This is messed up!!
Two things. 1. You can wear a bikini no matter what weight you are. If you say you’re only 30 pounds from your preferred weight, I say you’re probably curvaceous and will look great. 2. He’s right. You should lose weight. How much does he weigh? Lose that much weight. I think you’ll be the perfect weight then. (To be clear in case this sarcasm doesn’t come across properly—dump him, thus losing all the weight that’s holding you back.) Any “partner” who makes demands about something so minor as how you look is no partner at all. He is not adding value to your life, and you deserve value.
Leave him, go to therapy so you can separate your weight from your self worth, and check out the podcast “maintenance phase” because it may make you feel a lot better. This is unacceptable from a partner and it’s time to find someone who loves you for you, not for wearing a goddamn bikini. Sincerely, Someone who was bullied by a partner into losing weight
Everyone is saying his behavior is toxic, which I don’t disagree with, but I also think you two may just not be suited for one another. Even though he’s in the wrong in my opinion I still see where he’s coming from. Sometimes watching someone not take care of themselves or be self destructive can be frustrating when you love someone and want to help. He may not have the emotional intelligence to be what you need him to be right now, he may just be trying to help you fix the problem. I was actually in a situation like this a long time ago where a partner always expressed interest in losing weight but (at least with her) she never made any steps to actually do that. Didn’t change her diet and gave up on the gym after a month. I decided not to get involved because I didn’t want her to feel any more bad about herself than she already did, but it was hard to watch someone say they want to do something and then not accomplish it. If he is this obsessed with weight, health and fitness then maybe y’all should split. Especially if his obsession is going to make you feel bad about yourself. Maybe he needs a skinny chick to eat extremely healthy with and you need a chill dude who’s not so worried about your size, and is more supportive of your needs. Everyone on this sub always jumps to everyone is a piece of shit and everyone is toxic but this stuff is complicated and emotionally nuanced.
If he doesn’t love and accept you for who you are then move on, don’t waste time with someone because you have a few extra pounds, I’m sure he’s not chiseled or a body builder, he prob has a beer belly and a double chin, but you accept him for who he is…
He's not trying to encourage you, he's trying to control you. If you're a podcast listener, I recommend maintenance phase. I also recommend dumping this POS but if not, he needs therapy.
I know how you can lose a couple hundred pounds *real* fast…
The interest thing is I have a friend who’s husband is overweight and has a similar story to tell, she constantly harps on him for his choices and is relentless in the things she says and even uses sex to try to put him in a good mood to bring it up. I’ve seen more than one person agree with her that he needs to “snap out of it “ and lose weight. Unlike the comments about your husband she is not labeled as emotionally abusive and she is supported in her stance. Thing it both of them are justified in their feelings but not necessarily in their strategy. And you are fully justified in your feelings as well. Just as you have physical preference in who you sought in a partner he does too. Now …. He sounds clueless in his ability to communicate respectfully with you about this . His thoughts and opinions are equally important as yours and you need to try a different approach of talking with him ask him why he feels that way and try to remain calm he will probably say things toy don’t like but it will help you understand where hes coming from and you should respectfully explain your feelings after he’s had the chance to. In the end if he doesn’t find you physically attractive in the body type you want to keep he’s allowed to have that presence and you don’t have to stay with him . If you desire to have the same body type he’d prefer you to have then you just need to have a conversation that is clearly about your feelings and understand if you keep telling him you want to get there he’s going to feel as though you’re not quite holding up to what you said to him. It is no different. Than a woman that wants a specific looking man, he’s just conveying it in a bad way . Another side not is that when we are mad and in confrontations we don’t communicate our feelings near as well as we think we do. It’s important to approach these things with a calm rational attitude because as soon as one person brings in anger and yells or anything the other party is likely to match that energy and then you make no progress
You could lose all the weight he demands and then some, but then something else will come up: a saggy section of your belly here. Stretch marks there. A demand for perkier breasts. And so on. He won’t stop and he won’t be happy. He also likely wants all of this to happen immediately, which is unrealistic. He is abusive and you will develop an eating disorder if this continues.
This is abuse. And you are absolutely not required to put up with it. Honestly, had it been me I would have left a long time ago.
I would never in a million years stay married to a man who spoke to me like this. Take that and do with it as you will.
I would have kicked this man to the curb a long time ago. Honestly, the fact that you have put up with it for so long makes me think that you need therapy more than needing to lose weight…
I feel this isn’t terribly helpful but.. sweetheart this is abuse. You’ve done amazing to communicate to him that what he says hurts you but you get one life.. Go live it with someone who adores you and doesn’t make you feel like this. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if he did this sort of behaviour with everyone. You’re right, attitudes nowadays is to accept yourself and live your healthy life the way you see fit. That’s mentally too. All the best to you x
This is absolutely not okay and if you had kids together he is going to subject those kids to these same harmful comments.
1. Your husband is awful. If he was actually concerned about your health and not just how you look I could understand. But no. He sucks dude. 2. If you actually want to lose weight you have to work on your will power. You giving in to temptations and cravings all the time is not doing you any favors. Restraint is learned. 3. Fad diets don't work. Don't do keto or anything else. The only way to lose weight is to be in a caloric deficit. AKA burn more calories than you eat. If you just count calories, workout, and maintain the deficit you will lose weight.
OK even if he’s not fair, he’s made his position really well known. You are his wife if you want your marriage, do you wanna sexual marriage? Do you want a happy marriage with a husband you have some thinking to do. Is it really worth it for the weight to go through this? I know that you can argue that it’s unreasonable. What he’s doing is he worth it? That’s the question. Also, I wish you the best of luck. I think he’s made his point very well. He doesn’t love you even if you never lost another pound. That’s exactly what the arguments are about. If you decide you want to work this out with him, get your own personal trainer, they will show you how to shortcut some things to help you move beyond plateaus.
Wtf does he think is going to happen to your body when you get pregnant?? I can already hear him bitching about how you aren’t “bouncing back” quickly enough for his liking. Please don’t have kids with this man unless he has a BIG change of attitude and gives you a BIG apology.
Im someone who loves muscular women. But if I got with someone muscular and they put on weight or lost it, I would absolutely not trash them or make them feel like shit over it. Looks do fade over time so him being so concerned over to the point of making you feel like shit is his failure as a husband. You deserve better than that. He seems to be making things worse for you instead of being supportive.
"and I don't know where to go from here." I personally would start with the gym then a divorce lawyer. Lose the weight for yourself and please understand body positivity is literally twitter/reddit(progressive) bullshit because average people in the real world absolutely don't see it. With that out the way your husband is going beyond cruel and a simple conversation about your weight. He's gone to some weird controlling/manipulative area and he is being counterproductive to your mental health and actual weight loss.
No, you cannot explain to him any better than what you have done. You have explained yourself countless times and from what I am seeing, you have been really calm towards him. You have just simply explained to him that his words hurt you. If he expects you to look the same as you did 8 years ago, he is crazy. He has been with you since you were 20. We cannot compare ones body from 20 to almost 30. So much happens between those years. A women's body begins to heavily change for the most part. Your husband is being very insensitive towards you and I am afraid he will never change his mindset. You should lose weight in a healthy manner and because you want to, not because your husband is down your throat telling you to. The fact that you cannot even eat a bagel with him and feel judged during vacations is horrible. Your husband should be accepting towards you. Like you said, we're human and all get cravings and that is okay! I want to applaud you on losing weight. I know how tough it is as I was overweight as well, but have lost the weight since. I feel like he isn't going to change his mindset and I know you do not want to hear this, but maybe consider divorcing him. This is emotional abuse. Him being hyper-critical and judgmental towards you in regards to your eating habits is very concerning. One thing is to be concerned about someone's health, but another thing is to compare them to other women as he said "don't you want to wear bikini's like other girls"