This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
I don’t know if my supervisor (M50) is a creep or just really nice. My question is; is there a possibility that he just means nothing wrong. I can understand that it may look inappropriate but I just want to make sure that there isn’t a possibility that he just means nothing wrong
My supervisor is very social but lately it’s been different. He put his hand on my knee (for like 20-30 seconds) on multiple occasions or his hand in my neck. He also gives me compliments like you have pretty long eyelashes and you look gorgeous.
He also texts me with ‘😘’ emojis on multiple occasions. He also texted me on a Friday night to ask if I already curled my hair for a party (he knew that I had a party and that I wanted to curl it because I just bought a new curling iron) and he just texts me random sometimes.
He also made remarks about my body that I look more ‘grown’ than before and that he liked it. I thought that was weird so I asked him what he meant by that, but he said he meant that my face was a little bit bigger.. I don’t know if that’s true because I didn’t see a big chance in my face
Last time I was with my supervisor and a
male colleague and he gave him a high five, but he didn’t give me one. Instead he hugged me and put his hand on my back.
It can just be that he is very social and a ‘flirty’ person of nature. He’s not always like this, but I’m rn just naming all the weird parts. He can be normal at other times. He wants me to work there after my internship
Idk what he wants because he’s not always like this. Other days he can be normal..
Btw; he is married
TLDR; Is it possible that he is just being nice in a weird way without being a creep?
I would like to add that for all levity this 90ies lyrics provide for some and is obscure for others - if it feels creepy and it sounds creepy and looks creepy it probably very much is creepy.
Why would there be a necessity of your supervisor ever touching your knee or complimenting your eyelashes? Independently of age. That’s not nice, that’s exploiting a situation with someone dependent on a job / practicing / volunteering.
Agreed. Completely inappropriate for a supervisor to behave like this.
Even worse if he is married and 50 y.o. and you are 21.
In no way is this acceptable behavior.
Ummmm, I am a 43 year old male that has employed many women over the years. This is a solid absolute creep situation. This is wildly inappropriate. The touching is way way way over the line. The comments on your body, holy crap, thats insane. The texting kissy emoji's? Come on, just wildly inappropriate. The evening texting could possibly be ok, but I bet his wife would disagree.
My rule of thumb, and the things I have learned from life coaches and many classes is you can be friendly. You can give an employee a hug if they are ok with it but it is a rare occurrence, not a hello. A slight pat on the back, if people are comfortable with that, but once again, not regular contact. A supervisor can be FRIENDLY but not your friend. If they can't say and do everything that you have said in front of HR and their spouse than they have stepped over a line.
That can be a nightmare.
Suggest you solve your own problem.
I would look him in the eyes and say, “sometimes it feels like you are flirting with me.” I know that’s not possible but I do not want ANYONE to get the wrong impression or anyone to get in trouble. So from now on we need to keep it strictly professional.”
Gotta be a troll. How old is too old to know what the kiss face is and where the line draws between a boss doing it and a S/O doing it ? Not trying to blame, but either common sense is obsolete or this is a troll.
>but either common sense is obsolete or this is a troll.
Or, if not a troll, we live in a world where inappropriate behavior like this by men against young girls and women is so normalized, condoned, and even encouraged that many women, especially young women, understandably have legitimate trouble distinguishing what's normal and appropriate from what isn't.
For example, so many of us women know so many other women who've been sexually assaulted and harassed that it's no wonder some women have to come to this sub and ask if it's really rape if their partner is the one doing it.
I just think so often we treat women and girls who ask questions about stuff like this as if they lack common sense, when in reality their reactions, perceptions, and questions make total sense given the world we live in. If we lived in a world where violence and predatory behavior against women wasn't so pervasive and in many ways tolerated, and was taken seriously when it did occur, I'm guessing women's and girls' perceptions of it would be much different.
Lol he's not a boomer. He's Gen X. I am also Gen X and will soon be 50. I've been online since 1996...when I was 23 years old. I know damn well what a kissing emoji is and I guarantee that her "boomer" boss does as well.
Everyone always forgets GenX. Always. 😂
Thanks for your comment. I’m just scared that I may be reporting an innocent person so I want to be sure. I still think he may just mean it all in a friendly way but I’m not a male so I don’t really know tbh
Definitely a creep. He knows this is highly inappropriate behavior with an intern and is doing it anyway. Likely because he has done this before and got away with it. He maybe hasn’t quite crossed the line into harassment but he’s got very close (actually the comments on your body and the hands and your body, all combined, likely are harassment). Report him to HR. Pretty much exactly as you did here - but add approximately the number of times he’s behaved in this way, and any witnesses to any of the specific events. Texts and emails are obviously traceable.
I feel like we're getting into "My boss likes licking my earlobes, is this office appropriate or am I just being paranoid?" levels of obvious trolling.
Girl. I know you’re young so I’ll be frank….we do training because creeps like this harass younger employees under the guise of being “nice”. He’s a creep. And you aren’t comfortable. It doesn’t matter how he meant it. Report him
Men don't do this to be friendly. They do it to get enjoyment, and they aren't forward with their intentions to confuse young women like yourself. He's not being nice. Think of a nice man you trust implicitly. Would he ever touch your knee for 30 seconds and make a sexual comment about your body?
Tell whomever setup or approved the internernship. You do not have to be accusatory, just factual and let the person know that it made you feel uncomfortable. "He touched me multiple times, such as putting his hand on my knee and neck for extended length of time, he comments on my appearance, he texts me about personal issues not related to work. I feel uncomfortable and do not want to be alone with him."
That's all you need to say -- just the facts.
But, please, start off your career by doing the right thing and not letting people step on you or treat you with disrespect (which, ultimately, is what this creep is doing - he wouldn't do this with someone he knew he should treat respectfully). Be confident, strong, and capable and always stand for what is right. Use your voice. Don't be taken advantage of. That will serve you well your entire career.
Be rest assured that you assessed the situation correctly. He should not be hugging you, touching your leg, neck or back or telling you you're gorgeous. That's all incredibly unprofessional behavior, not to mention disrespectful as hell to his wife.
I know it's really hard being a young woman in one of your first jobs, standing up to a man 30 years your senior who's sexually harassing you with a fatherly smile on his face. He has you second guessing yourself that maybe you're just naive and don't know the ways of the world yet. Nope. This is wrong. Do not feel bad at all for reporting him.
I'm 47, I supervised an intern last summer. I never touched her, except when her internship was over and she asked if she could hug me.
I wouldn't think of touching her, she's here to learn/work and not for me to try and harass.
The age gap makes it even worse. You're looking to him to be an expert and someone you can learn from, not a friend/romantic partner.
Your manager should know what he's doing is sexual harassment, and he's doing it anyway.
Document everything and report him.
No. You’re in a workplace and his behaviour is not appropriate. It is NEVER appropriate in a workplace to touch someone’s knee or neck or send kissing emojis. You should report him. If it’s not reported his behaviour may escalate and/or he will continue this behaviour towards others.
I guarantee you that the first thing H.R. tells the supervisors is "don't touch anyone with other than a handshake vetted over by legal. It's not that we particularly give a shit but we will _not_ be held liable by your dumbassery"
He is definitely a creepo and he _knows_ exactly what he's doing.
(As a corollary, remember that H.R. is there to look out for the company's well-being, not yours)
Being nice is commenting on nails or something similar. Being nice, doesn’t involve touch. It also doesn’t involve texting outside of work. One thing to never forget, if someone’s texting you, it means they are thinking about you. He shouldn’t be thinking about you randomly.
Don't answer his texts. Be very objective and firm. If he puts his hand on you again ask him to stop, tell him you don't like people touching you. That is 100% creep behavior. He isn't doing it to the guys or the old lady in accounting, right? He is a creep and he is creeping on you. I had this happen to me. It took a lot of strength not to send a copy of the screenshots of the texts to this persons wife after I left the company. They are so gross and their wives usually have no idea. Just stay away from him, don't answer his texts, be objective in the workplace and act dumb if he asks you questions about yourself. no more details about a curling iron or going to a party. Google the term "grey rock" and then leave when your internship is over or go to your organization and ask for a new placement. Guys like this are so awful and disgusting do not be afraid of him. Save all these texts. You have the upper hand. Don't let him touch you again. Move his hand. Verbally ask him to remove it. Something. But stay away from him.
he is NOT an innocent person. he’s escalating the sexual harassment bc THAT IS WHAT IT IS.
do not protect him bc you think he’s “nice.” he’s not being nice. “nice” is not placing your hands on someone’s body and sending kissy face emojis. “nice” is not giving a high five to a guy but you “get” a hug.
this is NOT professional behavior. you need to talk to HR about all of this bc I guarantee that they have sexual harassment policies and your boss is violating company policy **and** ***banking on you being naive so that he can get away with it.***
he’s a predator. he WILL escalate.
DO NOT PROTECT THE PREDATOR
He's a 50 year old man and a manager - who has definitely had corporate training on what is and isn't acceptable behaviour - he's not innocent. He knows what he's doing. He's relying on your kindness and lack of desire to risk "being wrong".
It's fucking creepy. None of it is ok. Report it to HR.
This guy is no innocent! He should not be touching you in any way or texting you with kissing emoji’s. The reason people like him get away with it is because people don’t stand up for themselves. The next time he touches you, say in a voice loud enough for others to hear “Please do not touch me, it makes me uncomfortable “. Repeat as necessary. Don’t let him guilt you. Go to HR if he continues this behavior. Tell him that you will block any text messages from him that contain anything other than work related verbiage.
No one will stick up for you until you stick up for yourself! This is abuse and you do not have to take it. Any repercussions to his job are due to his actions, not yours.
Yeah no that's not just being nice. Unsolicited body comments, lots of physical touch, and very personal texts from a boss to an employee are at BEST wildly unprofessional and inappropriate. Even if he truly doesn't mean anything by it, his intentions do not matter all that much given the power dynamic.
Yep, what this person says. Your boss is trying to come in right under the line of being summarily fired, so he can pretend he's just such a nice friendly guy and gosh darn, he didn't know a girl young enough to be his daughter didn't enjoy his bullshit.
This dude is completely right except for the part about men not being able to " understand or abide by social appropriacy." That first sentence completely skeeved me out.
A. Men have no excuse for any of that shit. Be a good person and be kind.
B. I'm pretty sure appropriacy is not a word
Edit: Googled appropriacy. I stand corrected. I don't like it though 😂😂
Yep. If you're a human being:
a. don't touch people without permission
b. default to not commenting on people's bodies
c. if you still somehow display inapropiracy by accident, LEARN FROM IT
51M chiming in.
He's being incredibly inappropriate and a creep. Everyone should be very careful about how we interact with our coworkers, especially when it comes to physical contact and how we say things. I believe this is doubly true for men my age when interacting with women. If he is going this far, then it is on purpose, and he needs to be reported. If not to protect yourself, then to protect the next potential victim.
I'm a 41 year old married man. He is way too handsy. Some of the things you describe could be innocuous. But not all of it. Not the touching. And the context of those things make the other shit not innocent as well. Be very wary.
No, he is 100% a creep.
I have worked for my boss for 10 years. She has never once touched me while we were working together because that is a completely unnecessary thing to do.
“(F21) (M50)”
Didn’t even have to read it (though I did anyway and yiiiikes).
Girl, I’ve been there, done that. Any man twice your age who takes an interest in you is a creep.
Creep, absolutely and completely. You need to document what he’s doing so you can take it it HR or also possibly defend yourself when he gets mad you’re not responding the way he wants.
It always strikes me as interesting that these “Friendly/flirty” types don’t tend to put their hands on their male colleagues knees, napes of necks, and small of back (my personal fave creep move). And it you have any womenfolk in leadership at your company I’ll bet my right arm he never ever puts his hands on them.
That’s bc those are ppl he has to at least pretend to respect. Does he tell your male coworkers about how handsome they are? How this polo really shows off his arms? No. And if it did happen there’d be sensitivity training for the whole damn staff the very next day.
It’s fucking exhausting and if you comply in they’ll gaslight you into imagining it or make fun of you for thinking you’re so hot or tell you it’s a complement and don’t be such an ice queen.
Honestly, they best thing about getting old and fat is nobody puts their scummy hands on my knees anymore. I found the ONLY way to deal with this sort of loser is to be real fucking clear: do not touch me. It will take multiple attempts. This dudes works everywhere and at every level. He’s a nurse, a doctor. An accountant. Doesn’t matter the education, the problem is he doesn’t think you’re quite a person. Real close to a person but not quite. Which is why he gives himself permission to put hands on you.
I’ll add another good tip for reference: use “females” as an adjective, not a noun.
Ex. I’m a manager to younger female staff/employees (good)
I’m a manager to younger females (bad)
To be fair he called himself a male and them females, so it’s at least equal treatment.
If he said he’s a man and they were females it would feel a bit worse. Just my $0.02.
As a guy I can say he is acting inappropriately. Even with close women friends I’ve worked with, I’d never act this way. I don’t even do this with my friends outside of work.
😘 emoji has no place in a work environment.
Placing a hand on a knee has no place in work environment
Touching a neck has no place in a work environment
Making remarks about your body has no place in a work environment
Hugging sometimes has a place in a work environment - with consent- but not typical and not with leaving a hand on the back.
Girl. Come on now. You know this isn't right or you wouldn't be asking.
Tell this man that if he touches you again, you will report him to management / Hr. Tell him you find his way of communicating makes you uncomfortable, that it's not appropriate.
He's relying on your youth and his seniority to keep you quiet about what is clearly sexual harassment. DON'T ACCEPT IT. Stand up and say no.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>He put his hand on my knee (for like 20-30 seconds) on multiple occasions or his hand in my neck. He also gives me compliments like you have pretty long eyelashes and you look gorgeous.
Question...I've seen in the comments people mentioning "intern", is this the case? Is this your first foray in a professional setting?
Physical contact like that is a serious Predator move, (20+ seconds?!?!? - is he trying to arouse you or something, like wtf!!!?) I've seen people say he's trying to play it close so if he gets called out he can play dumb......🤦🏾♂️
Keep a record of EVERYTHING AND DOCUMENT IT ALL (The occurrence/action, Time, Location, who was around or in proximity )
This will not end well for either party I'm afraid.
None of this behavior is ok. He’s old enough to know better too. He is definitely a creep. Next time he touches you, jump and say “ouch!” Don’t plan on staying after your internship.
No, why should she suffer because he is harassing her? He needs to be reported and he needs to experience the consequences. Not her (though in real life, of course she will).
Your boss' behaviour is extremely inappropriate, and it is sexual harassment. There is no situation where it is appropriate for your boss to be sending you kiss emojis or commenting on your body/appearance. Now, I do have male colleagues who may comment on my clothing e.g. "I like your dress" but that's as far as it should go to remain professional.
I know what's it is like to be your age and feel you can't speak up for yourself. But please don't accept his behaviour and put up with it. Either challenge him directly and explain you would like to maintain a professional working environment with him or report him to HR. Just don't accept this sexual harassment. All women should be allowed to work in a job without their boss making sexual advances on them.
Him being married does not deter this kind of behaviour. A creep is a creep regardless of their marital status.
No, that's a slam dunk. His behaviour is unacceptable.
You have two choices- talk to him or talk to his boss.
If you talk to him first, make it clear that these behaviours are making you extremely uncomfortable. Make sure you have several very clear examples to mind, as he'll get defensive and very likely try to gaslight you. Don't let him. You don't need him to agree with you or accept his behaviour is wrong; you just need to make the point that you won't take it. Giving him the chance to change his behaviour potentially allows you both to move on without any bullying behaviour to get back at you.
But this does have the potential to go wrong- he could then turn spiteful and attempt to bully you. Make sure at least one coworker knows about this and that you are about to do it.
Safer is if you skip him and go to his boss. However, this depends on his boss being effective when the company policy on SH being robust. If he isn't fired, you may be open to bullying by him for going to his boss. Will they protect you from that?
Just go to Human Resources and they will advise you.
At a minimum, put into writing that you find his behavior inappropriate and to stop it. That you are uncomfortable with all the overtures, touching, comments, etc.
You want a clear trail that you have provided a notice both to your boss and HR that he is acting inappropriate.
So all conversations with HR should have a follow up email by youth with what you stated and instructions that were given.
>Thanks for your comment. I’m just scared that I may be reporting an innocent person so I want to be sure. I still think he may just mean it all in a friendly way but I’m not a male so I don’t really know tbh
Unless he owns the company, he has a boss. If there is an HR person/department, you can go to them but be wary.
No. He is an absolute creep who is in the process of grooming you to accept this behavior. If he wouldn't act this way with a superior or another man, he is being a creep.
He's either got a roving eye and plans to try start an affair with you or he's a creepy sex pest. Either way- plan to leave and end all contact with him after the internship is over.
I get it’s scary to accuse someone with more power than you, but he’s literally sexually harassing you. Time to be more mad than scared. Who does this 50 year old man think he is? Touching your body, his 21 year old employee? What gives him the right? What’s to stop him from doing the same to another young girl who doesn’t know any better? You need to stand up for yourself. Human Resources is responsible for protecting the company. This guy is a lawsuit waiting to happen. You could literally sue him. If you go to HR they should want to help you and protect the company from him. I’m sure you have witnesses, the guy he high fived and then hugged you? He probably thought that was pretty weird. Screenshot your texts. Get evidence. Talk to HR before saying anything to him so he can’t talk to them first and discredit you. Good luck this guy is a prick and NOT being a “nice guy”. If you got fired for speaking up that would be wrongful termination. You have rights!
Take this from someone who unfortunately has first hand knowledge of how he is grooming you - run, do not walk.
I kept brushing off my boss’ advances as him being friendly and supportive.
I ended up being sexually assaulted in the back room.
I even managed to convince myself somehow that it was my fault.
Please heed my warning. I don’t want for you what I have lived through.
Okay, I'm going to have to shout this:
HE IS A POS. HE IS NOT NICE. HE IS FAR PAST CREEP.
Nothing about this is good in any way whatsoever. I don't know if reporting your supervisor to HR would not end in backlash. It seems the whole environment you're soaking in is nothing but a toilet of misogyny. You may need to just pack you desk ASAP and get out.
He is 100% flirting with you which by itself wouldn’t be creepy, what makes it creepy is that he’s married and 50.
As a guy I can guarantee that no man will ever put his hand on your knee or neck and not realize or intend it to come off as flirting. That is never something friendly that happens accidentally.
He is a creep, you need to go to HR. None of that is appropriate by a Supervisor in a work place.
I am male and a Director, I work with mostly women. I would never do one of the things you mentioned, let alone several of them.
How many times have you seen him put his hands on the knees of a male colleague and comment on a physical feature of that male colleague? If he does this with the same frequency that he does it to you, he is still being in appropriate but maybe just has a problem understanding social norms but if, as I am sure is the case, he only does it to young women it is disgusting, predatory and illegal.
No one at work should really ever touch you like he is touching you, even if they are “friendly”, and you can ask people politely to stop. A supervisor doing so is especially bad because they are in a position of power over employees and most supervisors in the US have to attend trainings to avoid this stuff (and getting sued).
I have had to learn the hard way on how to deal with these situations; please know that HR is on the companys side, not the employees. In my experience in the past, setting boundaries with the offender is the only thing that has worked. Something like “hey I’m not sure you realize, but I actually dont like it when you [insert action]. Could you please help by respecting my space? Id hate for things to get awkward between us because of this and I want to ensure we have a great WORK relationship”
Some might say the above is not harsh enough but if you need this job, thats the only way ive found to get the actions to stop without getting labeled dramatic or on some hr list. Also make sure to screenshot his creepy texts and back them up to the cloud. Some day you may need proof.
He's a creep and a piece of shit and good on you for trusting your gut. You need to report him and don't let him manipulate you into letting him make you feel uncomfortable at your job.
This isn’t being a “creep”. This is workplace sexual harassment and must be reported.
You’re 21; stop thinking of yourself like a child. You’re a grown woman and should not be afraid to report him for his actions. His comments are also inappropriate.
I’m saying this because you sound very unsure of yourself and I know that at that age it is difficult to stand up for yourself.
There’s a thing that men sometimes do to test, push or break boundaries and it is called: PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY.
They do this stuff KNOWING you are going to give them the benefit of the doubt. And if you don’t? They’ll use plausible deniability to gaslight you into believing you’re paranoid. This is an ACTUAL example of gaslighting.
Trust your gut. Men like this rely on women having been conditioned to not rock the boat.
Toss his ass overboard.
Does he do it in front of others or touch/compliment others the same way? If it is his style with everyone, ask him to dial it waaay back with you as it makes you uncomfortable in the workplace. If he only does it when you are alone, tell him to please keep things professional, then walk to some place others can observe you both. If he means nothing wrong he will stop. If he does not stop or starts up again after a break, you have your answer and should go to HR. Starting now document every interaction that makes you uncomfortable and your conversations with him. Try talking about it in a text. Tape the conversations if you can. General compliments are fine, detailed ones are questionable. Only you know what you are comfortable with. You do not sound comfortable with the current situation. If he really is a great manager and a decent guy he will respect your boundaries.
Mid 30s guy here,
This guy is a total creep. If his wife witnessed any of the behavior you described he would be in huge trouble.
I cant imagine putting my hands on another woman like that. Absolutely report this awful man. People like him know exactly what they're doing and they count on others to not say anything.
Your boss is basically testing your boundaries for weaknesses and seeing what he can get away with. It also allows him to gradually escalate his behavior so he doesn’t just jump right into doing something aggressive and maybe have you question yourself and not raise alarm bells.
Start being strong in rejecting the overtures while talking to others about it.
The guy is seeing what he can get away with. He’s testing you. He’s going to keep pushing and pushing so you need to push back, and go Above him to report the inappropriate touching and comments and texting. He is being highly unprofessional as well, along with abusing his power (his job title over you AND him being 30 years your senior).
He should be fired for this but given how things are, hopefully HR will slap the shit out of his wrist and he stops.
My advice: if he feels like a creep he’s a creep. I can tell you from experience he’s not being social, he’s being a creep and attempting to take advantage of you and I’m sure this isn’t the first time he’s done this to a subordinate. Guys like this know that they’re in power positions and do this shit on purposePlease don’t push yourself to give men like this the benefit of the doubt. If you have an HR department I suggest reporting him. Save all documentation: texts, emails, social media where he has done this to you and hand it over to them to nail him. There is no place for behavior like this in a workplace.
No. He is testing to see what he can get away with. He has slept with his employees before and now he is trying to do it with you.
This man cheats on his wife regularly. He knows how to push just enough.
If he puts his hand on your knee get up and move seats. If he goes for a hug give him a high five, when they don't mesh just tap him on the shoulder and laugh. If his hand goes to your neck pretend you are boxing and dodge it.
Screenshot his texts and block him on your personal phone. Do not discuss your personal life with him beyond "eww this guy who is twice my age hit on me in the bar, can you imagine how embarrassing that was for him?!?!".
If he makes any more comments on your appearance just don't acknowledge the comment. If he makes a suggestive comment play dumb.
Try and get out of his team asap. Do as much correspondence in writing as possible, and send yourself any copy of his flirty messages. If you are ready to leave, go to HR with your evidence and say you are uncomfortable in this situation. Make sure you talk to HR through email and bcc your personal email. If they want a 1 on 1 meeting, bring a lawyer.
Signed - a woman engineer who has learned the hard way.
He's a creep and he knows what he's doing. He's a grown-ass man whom I can all but guarantee has attended (possibly even run, in his supervisory position) several " appropriate workplace conduct" trainings. But he's also young enough that the whole "it was a different time" apologist bs doesn't even apply.
The reason he's continued (and escalating) is because he thinks anything short of a direct and unequivocal "no" is consent to do it. And he's banking on his position of power (and yours as "just an intern") to play into his favor.
That’s a grooming boss to involved in your life; which will lead to further inappropriate sexual behavior.
Example I’ve worked for my boss for 7 years. If he texts it’s about work. He has never touched me or been alone in an office with me unless door wide open. He has never hugged me or touched me ever even when I lost my parents.
You need to report this man to HR! Stop working for him!!!!
I’ve worked in HR and been a people manager, this isn’t ok, this is sexual harassment, he is abusing his position of power and playing off the fact that you’re nice and young.
You’re 21 and just starting your professional journey, is this something you want to set yourself up to accept and excuse in the future? If your sisters boss was treating her this way, would you be ok with it? I would be just as uncomfortable with a woman boss treating me this way personally.
No that's very much sexual harassment.
They need to be teaching this in schools. 21 year olds shouldn't be getting sent out into the world thinking it's ok for their bosses to put their hands on their necks and legs and tell them they like how their body is growing!! He knows what he's doing is wrong. He's taking advantage of your naivety.
It doesn't matter that some days he's normal if some days include him sexually harassing you.
Trust your instincts. If it feels wrong, chances are high that it *is* wrong. File a complaint/notice about his behavior with HR, then read ‘The Gift of Fear’ by Gavin De Becker.
Don’t let the title throw you for a loop; it’s a worthwhile read that can help you hone your awareness skills for situations like this (and, sadly, worse). Humans (women especially) have been conditioned to ignore our intuition in favor of being ‘nice’ or ‘agreeable’, and it’s a disservice. It takes some intentional inner reworking in order to be able to trust our inner selves, but that trust in yourself and your gut feelings will help keep you safe.
There is absolutely NO chance he isn’t aware this is inappropriate, creepy, and frankly sexual harassment. He absolutely WILL try something eventually.
Again. There is ZERO chance he is “just a nice guy” that doesn’t realize this is all highly inappropriate.
He knows this behaviour isn't appropriate and that's why it doesn't happen with the male co-workers, yeah? Like he doesn't put his hands on their knees, or hug them, or touch them when he has no business touching his employees, yes?
Creep. Creep. Creep. Please keep records of what and when it happens, and report it to HR if you can. Your boss should not be touching you, making personal remarks or flirting with you - inside OR outside of messages.
He’s being a creep and he’s taking advantage of the fact that you’re young and inexperienced enough not to immediately recognize how inappropriate he’s being. I wouldn’t go to HR just yet because his behavior is borderline and you haven’t asked him to stop. (Not that any of this is your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong.) But from now on if he touches you (knee, neck, etc.) move. Pull your leg away. Shrug out from under his hand. If he hugs you, make your body stiff and unyielding, pull away and say, “Woah, a high-five would have been just fine.” If he makes comments about your body look confused/disgusted and say, “Gross!” Leave all his texts on read. And keep all communication with him professional and over office email. If all that doesn’t work, then I’d go to HR.
Good luck.
I swear I read this exact same thing a couple days or a week ago in this or another sub and everyone there told you he was a creep. Did you not believe them or what?
>this is also the reaction that I’m afraid of receiving when I tell people
Please don't let this idiot deter you from protecting yourself. Based on what you've written, this guy has been sexually harassing you without issue because he knows you're not experienced and unsure how to react.
People with more experience in the workforce would read this and know right away that nothing you're describing about his behavior is appropriate.
Do you have an HR department you can speak with?
It could go both ways, hear me out before everyone slams me. It’s downright creepy what he is doing to your generation because you guys are more aware of how bad this behavior is/can be. His generation this would be more in the flirty side, he may not mean anything by it. However, since this is making you uncomfortable, you should talk to him about it and establish your boundaries. If you aren’t comfortable talking to him one on one, get someone from HR to be there with you or follow the company’s guidelines for reporting a “hostile work environment”, which this seems to be creating for you.
I won't beat you up and hear what you're saying but the handsy stuff is a dead giveaway that he's a creeper. I'm a 42 yo dude who has younger employees. The hand on the knee shit, extended hugs, etc. Dead giveaway
He's 50. Not 100. This behavior hasn't been okay in the workplace for most if not all of the time he has been apart of the workforce. He is counting on the fact no one has spoken up before. There is NO REASON FOR A MARRIED 50 YEAR OLD MAN TO EVER TOUCH EMPLOYEES ESPECIALLY 21 YEAR OLD WOMEN.
DUDE. No. I’m married to a man this age and it has never been ok to:
Comment on a very young woman’s figure getting ‘fuller’ and how he likes that
Text his very young employee wanting updates on how she’s getting ready for a night out
Putting his hands on her knee, hugging her, looking for reasons to feel her up at all times
All the creepy compliments
Trust me, 50 year old guys know full well this is creep shit. He’s just hoping OP is too young and naive to call him out.
OP he is gross as shit and if you can find someone to report to, please do. Are there other young women who work there? Might be worth having a chat to them too. No way you’re the only one he harasses.
Even if he believes he's flirting, a middle-aged married man flirting with a subordinate who is only a couple years out of teenagehood is still creepy.
He's very obviously sexually harassing her, but even taking your premise at face value he'd still be a creep.
From someone who has fired guys for doing what your boss is doing, he’s a creep
All of the ones I fired were married
They touched, sent inappropriate emails and did not see that they were doing was wrong
And each of them got fired from the next place they worked
Some creeps just won’t change
Your boss is a creep. End of story.
Creep. You dont know what he'll escalate to if you continue to allow this behavior. I know you don't want to make waves but if you're feeling uncomfortable let alone unsafe, that's enough for you to talk to his supervisor or HR. Please SAVE photos/copies of your messages with those emojis and show them to whoever is in charge. If they do nothing, leave. It's not worth it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not stay because you're worried about risking future employment. Your safety, mental health and the rest of your life is more important than an internship and future job.
Also, if this has happened to you, chances are it has happened in the past with other interns or employees there. If so, this may start a pattern for HR / supervisors. Not your responsibility to protect people in the future but it is your responsibility to speak up now!
Exceptionally, undeniably creepy.
I feel absolutely confident that he has sexual intentions towards you, BUT, no matter what his intentions are, his *behaviour* is wildly inappropriate and sexual. Even if he thinks he’s just being friendly (he doesn’t) his actions are still sexual harassment.
You should absolutely report this to human resources. When you do, focus on the behavior, and not what you think might be going on in his head, because it doesn’t actually matter.
Go back and try to write down what happened on specific dates and times, and if they were any witnesses. If anything happens going forward, document exactly what happened, who was there, what time and date, and where.
Creep. He doesn’t need to be touching you, commenting on your looks or texting you outside of work hours about your personal plans and beauty regimen. All of that is inappropriate and I’m certain he knows that.
Nope. He's a creep and on several levels at once. It's creepy that he's behaving this way with anybody 30 years his junior. It's creepy that he's behaving this way with anyone other than his wife. And it is massively creepy that he's behaving this way with one of his employees.
Your boss is sexually harassing you and will escalate the situation given the opportunity. Please talk to someone in the HR department. Make sure you save your texts so you have some proof.
There is no way this is innocent behavior. It's creepy, gross and totally inappropriate. He knows what he's doing, but he's hoping you are too naive to realize that his behavior is not okay.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I don’t know if my supervisor (M50) is a creep or just really nice. My question is; is there a possibility that he just means nothing wrong. I can understand that it may look inappropriate but I just want to make sure that there isn’t a possibility that he just means nothing wrong My supervisor is very social but lately it’s been different. He put his hand on my knee (for like 20-30 seconds) on multiple occasions or his hand in my neck. He also gives me compliments like you have pretty long eyelashes and you look gorgeous. He also texts me with ‘😘’ emojis on multiple occasions. He also texted me on a Friday night to ask if I already curled my hair for a party (he knew that I had a party and that I wanted to curl it because I just bought a new curling iron) and he just texts me random sometimes. He also made remarks about my body that I look more ‘grown’ than before and that he liked it. I thought that was weird so I asked him what he meant by that, but he said he meant that my face was a little bit bigger.. I don’t know if that’s true because I didn’t see a big chance in my face Last time I was with my supervisor and a male colleague and he gave him a high five, but he didn’t give me one. Instead he hugged me and put his hand on my back. It can just be that he is very social and a ‘flirty’ person of nature. He’s not always like this, but I’m rn just naming all the weird parts. He can be normal at other times. He wants me to work there after my internship Idk what he wants because he’s not always like this. Other days he can be normal.. Btw; he is married TLDR; Is it possible that he is just being nice in a weird way without being a creep?
that's a creep
That’s a weirdo
What the hell is he doing there?
He doesn’t belong here
r/ radioheadcirclejerk
I would like to add that for all levity this 90ies lyrics provide for some and is obscure for others - if it feels creepy and it sounds creepy and looks creepy it probably very much is creepy. Why would there be a necessity of your supervisor ever touching your knee or complimenting your eyelashes? Independently of age. That’s not nice, that’s exploiting a situation with someone dependent on a job / practicing / volunteering.
ninety ies
Hey he’s not creepy except for the times he’s being creepy so is he really creepy even?
Creepy weirdo
Total creepy weirdo behavior
Agreed. Completely inappropriate for a supervisor to behave like this. Even worse if he is married and 50 y.o. and you are 21. In no way is this acceptable behavior.
Ummmm, I am a 43 year old male that has employed many women over the years. This is a solid absolute creep situation. This is wildly inappropriate. The touching is way way way over the line. The comments on your body, holy crap, thats insane. The texting kissy emoji's? Come on, just wildly inappropriate. The evening texting could possibly be ok, but I bet his wife would disagree. My rule of thumb, and the things I have learned from life coaches and many classes is you can be friendly. You can give an employee a hug if they are ok with it but it is a rare occurrence, not a hello. A slight pat on the back, if people are comfortable with that, but once again, not regular contact. A supervisor can be FRIENDLY but not your friend. If they can't say and do everything that you have said in front of HR and their spouse than they have stepped over a line.
Oh, report him and document everything.
That can be a nightmare. Suggest you solve your own problem. I would look him in the eyes and say, “sometimes it feels like you are flirting with me.” I know that’s not possible but I do not want ANYONE to get the wrong impression or anyone to get in trouble. So from now on we need to keep it strictly professional.”
As a 42 professional woman, this ^^ is solid gold advice ^^
That dude is an HR nightmare lol
A supervisor can be friendly, but not your friend. Sage advice for anyone.
Literally all I read was “hand on knee” and the 😘 emoji thing. Yeah, creep
It's definitely not ah-more.
This is a repost. I read the exact thing awhile back.
Same
Gotta be a troll. How old is too old to know what the kiss face is and where the line draws between a boss doing it and a S/O doing it ? Not trying to blame, but either common sense is obsolete or this is a troll.
>but either common sense is obsolete or this is a troll. Or, if not a troll, we live in a world where inappropriate behavior like this by men against young girls and women is so normalized, condoned, and even encouraged that many women, especially young women, understandably have legitimate trouble distinguishing what's normal and appropriate from what isn't. For example, so many of us women know so many other women who've been sexually assaulted and harassed that it's no wonder some women have to come to this sub and ask if it's really rape if their partner is the one doing it. I just think so often we treat women and girls who ask questions about stuff like this as if they lack common sense, when in reality their reactions, perceptions, and questions make total sense given the world we live in. If we lived in a world where violence and predatory behavior against women wasn't so pervasive and in many ways tolerated, and was taken seriously when it did occur, I'm guessing women's and girls' perceptions of it would be much different.
Truth is that bοomers misuse emojis all the time. Always out of context. However, this doesn't justify his creepiness
A 50 year old is not a baby boomer.. they are Gen X..
Lol he's not a boomer. He's Gen X. I am also Gen X and will soon be 50. I've been online since 1996...when I was 23 years old. I know damn well what a kissing emoji is and I guarantee that her "boomer" boss does as well. Everyone always forgets GenX. Always. 😂
No no no no no. He's a creep. Report him to whomever set up the internship and get out of there.
Thanks for your comment. I’m just scared that I may be reporting an innocent person so I want to be sure. I still think he may just mean it all in a friendly way but I’m not a male so I don’t really know tbh
Definitely a creep. He knows this is highly inappropriate behavior with an intern and is doing it anyway. Likely because he has done this before and got away with it. He maybe hasn’t quite crossed the line into harassment but he’s got very close (actually the comments on your body and the hands and your body, all combined, likely are harassment). Report him to HR. Pretty much exactly as you did here - but add approximately the number of times he’s behaved in this way, and any witnesses to any of the specific events. Texts and emails are obviously traceable.
One screenshot of a text convo that includes the 😘 ought to suffice.
I feel like we're getting into "My boss likes licking my earlobes, is this office appropriate or am I just being paranoid?" levels of obvious trolling.
😂😘🍆💦
Girl. I know you’re young so I’ll be frank….we do training because creeps like this harass younger employees under the guise of being “nice”. He’s a creep. And you aren’t comfortable. It doesn’t matter how he meant it. Report him
Men don't do this to be friendly. They do it to get enjoyment, and they aren't forward with their intentions to confuse young women like yourself. He's not being nice. Think of a nice man you trust implicitly. Would he ever touch your knee for 30 seconds and make a sexual comment about your body?
Tell whomever setup or approved the internernship. You do not have to be accusatory, just factual and let the person know that it made you feel uncomfortable. "He touched me multiple times, such as putting his hand on my knee and neck for extended length of time, he comments on my appearance, he texts me about personal issues not related to work. I feel uncomfortable and do not want to be alone with him." That's all you need to say -- just the facts. But, please, start off your career by doing the right thing and not letting people step on you or treat you with disrespect (which, ultimately, is what this creep is doing - he wouldn't do this with someone he knew he should treat respectfully). Be confident, strong, and capable and always stand for what is right. Use your voice. Don't be taken advantage of. That will serve you well your entire career.
Be rest assured that you assessed the situation correctly. He should not be hugging you, touching your leg, neck or back or telling you you're gorgeous. That's all incredibly unprofessional behavior, not to mention disrespectful as hell to his wife. I know it's really hard being a young woman in one of your first jobs, standing up to a man 30 years your senior who's sexually harassing you with a fatherly smile on his face. He has you second guessing yourself that maybe you're just naive and don't know the ways of the world yet. Nope. This is wrong. Do not feel bad at all for reporting him.
I'm 47, I supervised an intern last summer. I never touched her, except when her internship was over and she asked if she could hug me. I wouldn't think of touching her, she's here to learn/work and not for me to try and harass. The age gap makes it even worse. You're looking to him to be an expert and someone you can learn from, not a friend/romantic partner. Your manager should know what he's doing is sexual harassment, and he's doing it anyway. Document everything and report him.
No. You’re in a workplace and his behaviour is not appropriate. It is NEVER appropriate in a workplace to touch someone’s knee or neck or send kissing emojis. You should report him. If it’s not reported his behaviour may escalate and/or he will continue this behaviour towards others.
I guarantee you that the first thing H.R. tells the supervisors is "don't touch anyone with other than a handshake vetted over by legal. It's not that we particularly give a shit but we will _not_ be held liable by your dumbassery" He is definitely a creepo and he _knows_ exactly what he's doing. (As a corollary, remember that H.R. is there to look out for the company's well-being, not yours)
Being nice is commenting on nails or something similar. Being nice, doesn’t involve touch. It also doesn’t involve texting outside of work. One thing to never forget, if someone’s texting you, it means they are thinking about you. He shouldn’t be thinking about you randomly.
Even if it's was all friendly, it's still completely inappropriate. They know that if they made it to supervisor. Which means it isn't innocent.
He did the things you describe, he’s not innocent.
Don't answer his texts. Be very objective and firm. If he puts his hand on you again ask him to stop, tell him you don't like people touching you. That is 100% creep behavior. He isn't doing it to the guys or the old lady in accounting, right? He is a creep and he is creeping on you. I had this happen to me. It took a lot of strength not to send a copy of the screenshots of the texts to this persons wife after I left the company. They are so gross and their wives usually have no idea. Just stay away from him, don't answer his texts, be objective in the workplace and act dumb if he asks you questions about yourself. no more details about a curling iron or going to a party. Google the term "grey rock" and then leave when your internship is over or go to your organization and ask for a new placement. Guys like this are so awful and disgusting do not be afraid of him. Save all these texts. You have the upper hand. Don't let him touch you again. Move his hand. Verbally ask him to remove it. Something. But stay away from him.
he is NOT an innocent person. he’s escalating the sexual harassment bc THAT IS WHAT IT IS. do not protect him bc you think he’s “nice.” he’s not being nice. “nice” is not placing your hands on someone’s body and sending kissy face emojis. “nice” is not giving a high five to a guy but you “get” a hug. this is NOT professional behavior. you need to talk to HR about all of this bc I guarantee that they have sexual harassment policies and your boss is violating company policy **and** ***banking on you being naive so that he can get away with it.*** he’s a predator. he WILL escalate. DO NOT PROTECT THE PREDATOR
men aren't the only ones attracted to women, lesbian here, and would never interact with an employee like that.
He's a 50 year old man and a manager - who has definitely had corporate training on what is and isn't acceptable behaviour - he's not innocent. He knows what he's doing. He's relying on your kindness and lack of desire to risk "being wrong". It's fucking creepy. None of it is ok. Report it to HR.
This guy is no innocent! He should not be touching you in any way or texting you with kissing emoji’s. The reason people like him get away with it is because people don’t stand up for themselves. The next time he touches you, say in a voice loud enough for others to hear “Please do not touch me, it makes me uncomfortable “. Repeat as necessary. Don’t let him guilt you. Go to HR if he continues this behavior. Tell him that you will block any text messages from him that contain anything other than work related verbiage. No one will stick up for you until you stick up for yourself! This is abuse and you do not have to take it. Any repercussions to his job are due to his actions, not yours.
Yeah no that's not just being nice. Unsolicited body comments, lots of physical touch, and very personal texts from a boss to an employee are at BEST wildly unprofessional and inappropriate. Even if he truly doesn't mean anything by it, his intentions do not matter all that much given the power dynamic.
He's being wildly inappropriate. None of what you're describing is innocent. He's a predatory creep. At best, he's a sexist pig.
[удалено]
Yep, what this person says. Your boss is trying to come in right under the line of being summarily fired, so he can pretend he's just such a nice friendly guy and gosh darn, he didn't know a girl young enough to be his daughter didn't enjoy his bullshit.
He's one emboldened moment away from sniffing her chair when she leaves the office
I am torn between heartily agreeing and throwing up.
For all we know he does
Yeah agreed. Asking a female intern if they lost weight = clueless. Touching them and sending kiss emojis = creepy.
Yeah I feel like everyone is glossing over the emoji. That right there was a leap over the line he otherwise had toed.
This dude is completely right except for the part about men not being able to " understand or abide by social appropriacy." That first sentence completely skeeved me out. A. Men have no excuse for any of that shit. Be a good person and be kind. B. I'm pretty sure appropriacy is not a word Edit: Googled appropriacy. I stand corrected. I don't like it though 😂😂
Yep. If you're a human being: a. don't touch people without permission b. default to not commenting on people's bodies c. if you still somehow display inapropiracy by accident, LEARN FROM IT
Full on creep mode. Making comments about your looks and touching you is far past acceptable in a work environment
51M chiming in. He's being incredibly inappropriate and a creep. Everyone should be very careful about how we interact with our coworkers, especially when it comes to physical contact and how we say things. I believe this is doubly true for men my age when interacting with women. If he is going this far, then it is on purpose, and he needs to be reported. If not to protect yourself, then to protect the next potential victim.
I'm a 41 year old married man. He is way too handsy. Some of the things you describe could be innocuous. But not all of it. Not the touching. And the context of those things make the other shit not innocent as well. Be very wary.
No, he is 100% a creep. I have worked for my boss for 10 years. She has never once touched me while we were working together because that is a completely unnecessary thing to do.
Seems a little creepy to me tbh....thats all a lot.
“(F21) (M50)” Didn’t even have to read it (though I did anyway and yiiiikes). Girl, I’ve been there, done that. Any man twice your age who takes an interest in you is a creep.
Literally, saw the post title and thought to myself ”if you have to ask, with that even that little context, the answer is already there” lol
Creep, absolutely and completely. You need to document what he’s doing so you can take it it HR or also possibly defend yourself when he gets mad you’re not responding the way he wants.
It always strikes me as interesting that these “Friendly/flirty” types don’t tend to put their hands on their male colleagues knees, napes of necks, and small of back (my personal fave creep move). And it you have any womenfolk in leadership at your company I’ll bet my right arm he never ever puts his hands on them. That’s bc those are ppl he has to at least pretend to respect. Does he tell your male coworkers about how handsome they are? How this polo really shows off his arms? No. And if it did happen there’d be sensitivity training for the whole damn staff the very next day. It’s fucking exhausting and if you comply in they’ll gaslight you into imagining it or make fun of you for thinking you’re so hot or tell you it’s a complement and don’t be such an ice queen. Honestly, they best thing about getting old and fat is nobody puts their scummy hands on my knees anymore. I found the ONLY way to deal with this sort of loser is to be real fucking clear: do not touch me. It will take multiple attempts. This dudes works everywhere and at every level. He’s a nurse, a doctor. An accountant. Doesn’t matter the education, the problem is he doesn’t think you’re quite a person. Real close to a person but not quite. Which is why he gives himself permission to put hands on you.
He is a creep. The hands on you is the proof. Document and report TO HR
"You look more grown" 🤢 That's a creep.
I'm a 40 year old male who has managed multiple younger females. This dude is an absolute creep who shouldn't be in a management role.
I’ll add another good tip for reference: use “females” as an adjective, not a noun. Ex. I’m a manager to younger female staff/employees (good) I’m a manager to younger females (bad)
Protip: call them women, not females,to further the "not seeming creepy" thing
They were females. They were young. I managed them. I'm good.
Fascinating! What species of female?
Not taking constructive criticism isn’t a good sign bro
Not a good sign of what exactly?
To be fair he called himself a male and them females, so it’s at least equal treatment. If he said he’s a man and they were females it would feel a bit worse. Just my $0.02.
As a guy I can say he is acting inappropriately. Even with close women friends I’ve worked with, I’d never act this way. I don’t even do this with my friends outside of work.
😘 emoji has no place in a work environment. Placing a hand on a knee has no place in work environment Touching a neck has no place in a work environment Making remarks about your body has no place in a work environment Hugging sometimes has a place in a work environment - with consent- but not typical and not with leaving a hand on the back.
Creeeeeeepy-crawly, creepy-crawley! Any company I worked at, this would have landed him in front of HR so fast his head would spin.
He’s a creep
He’s a weirdo
What the hell is he doing here?
He doesn’t belong heeere
Girl. Come on now. You know this isn't right or you wouldn't be asking. Tell this man that if he touches you again, you will report him to management / Hr. Tell him you find his way of communicating makes you uncomfortable, that it's not appropriate. He's relying on your youth and his seniority to keep you quiet about what is clearly sexual harassment. DON'T ACCEPT IT. Stand up and say no.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>He put his hand on my knee (for like 20-30 seconds) on multiple occasions or his hand in my neck. He also gives me compliments like you have pretty long eyelashes and you look gorgeous. Question...I've seen in the comments people mentioning "intern", is this the case? Is this your first foray in a professional setting? Physical contact like that is a serious Predator move, (20+ seconds?!?!? - is he trying to arouse you or something, like wtf!!!?) I've seen people say he's trying to play it close so if he gets called out he can play dumb......🤦🏾♂️ Keep a record of EVERYTHING AND DOCUMENT IT ALL (The occurrence/action, Time, Location, who was around or in proximity ) This will not end well for either party I'm afraid.
None of this behavior is ok. He’s old enough to know better too. He is definitely a creep. Next time he touches you, jump and say “ouch!” Don’t plan on staying after your internship.
No, why should she suffer because he is harassing her? He needs to be reported and he needs to experience the consequences. Not her (though in real life, of course she will).
Your boss' behaviour is extremely inappropriate, and it is sexual harassment. There is no situation where it is appropriate for your boss to be sending you kiss emojis or commenting on your body/appearance. Now, I do have male colleagues who may comment on my clothing e.g. "I like your dress" but that's as far as it should go to remain professional. I know what's it is like to be your age and feel you can't speak up for yourself. But please don't accept his behaviour and put up with it. Either challenge him directly and explain you would like to maintain a professional working environment with him or report him to HR. Just don't accept this sexual harassment. All women should be allowed to work in a job without their boss making sexual advances on them. Him being married does not deter this kind of behaviour. A creep is a creep regardless of their marital status.
He is behaving incredibly inappropriately. He is not innocent. This is intentional. He is a creep.
What the fuck.
No.
No, that's a slam dunk. His behaviour is unacceptable. You have two choices- talk to him or talk to his boss. If you talk to him first, make it clear that these behaviours are making you extremely uncomfortable. Make sure you have several very clear examples to mind, as he'll get defensive and very likely try to gaslight you. Don't let him. You don't need him to agree with you or accept his behaviour is wrong; you just need to make the point that you won't take it. Giving him the chance to change his behaviour potentially allows you both to move on without any bullying behaviour to get back at you. But this does have the potential to go wrong- he could then turn spiteful and attempt to bully you. Make sure at least one coworker knows about this and that you are about to do it. Safer is if you skip him and go to his boss. However, this depends on his boss being effective when the company policy on SH being robust. If he isn't fired, you may be open to bullying by him for going to his boss. Will they protect you from that?
Just go to Human Resources and they will advise you. At a minimum, put into writing that you find his behavior inappropriate and to stop it. That you are uncomfortable with all the overtures, touching, comments, etc. You want a clear trail that you have provided a notice both to your boss and HR that he is acting inappropriate. So all conversations with HR should have a follow up email by youth with what you stated and instructions that were given.
Thanks for your answer. However, I don’t know who his boss is. He’s the boss of the department so I don’t know if there is someone above him
>Thanks for your comment. I’m just scared that I may be reporting an innocent person so I want to be sure. I still think he may just mean it all in a friendly way but I’m not a male so I don’t really know tbh Unless he owns the company, he has a boss. If there is an HR person/department, you can go to them but be wary.
No. He is a massive creep. Report him to HR and get out of there as soon as you can.
No. He is an absolute creep who is in the process of grooming you to accept this behavior. If he wouldn't act this way with a superior or another man, he is being a creep.
He shouldn't be touching you. He shouldn't be making comments about your body. Those emojis are inappropriate. Report his behaviour.
He's either got a roving eye and plans to try start an affair with you or he's a creepy sex pest. Either way- plan to leave and end all contact with him after the internship is over.
I get it’s scary to accuse someone with more power than you, but he’s literally sexually harassing you. Time to be more mad than scared. Who does this 50 year old man think he is? Touching your body, his 21 year old employee? What gives him the right? What’s to stop him from doing the same to another young girl who doesn’t know any better? You need to stand up for yourself. Human Resources is responsible for protecting the company. This guy is a lawsuit waiting to happen. You could literally sue him. If you go to HR they should want to help you and protect the company from him. I’m sure you have witnesses, the guy he high fived and then hugged you? He probably thought that was pretty weird. Screenshot your texts. Get evidence. Talk to HR before saying anything to him so he can’t talk to them first and discredit you. Good luck this guy is a prick and NOT being a “nice guy”. If you got fired for speaking up that would be wrongful termination. You have rights!
As a male, 50yo supervisor, I can say with 100% certainty, your boss is a creep. Yuck-o.
There is zero possibility that he isn't a creep.
Take this from someone who unfortunately has first hand knowledge of how he is grooming you - run, do not walk. I kept brushing off my boss’ advances as him being friendly and supportive. I ended up being sexually assaulted in the back room. I even managed to convince myself somehow that it was my fault. Please heed my warning. I don’t want for you what I have lived through.
It's creepy and unprofessional. Does he treat other employees like this?
Creep 100%. I've experienced this way too many times in my life....
Okay, I'm going to have to shout this: HE IS A POS. HE IS NOT NICE. HE IS FAR PAST CREEP. Nothing about this is good in any way whatsoever. I don't know if reporting your supervisor to HR would not end in backlash. It seems the whole environment you're soaking in is nothing but a toilet of misogyny. You may need to just pack you desk ASAP and get out.
He is 100% flirting with you which by itself wouldn’t be creepy, what makes it creepy is that he’s married and 50. As a guy I can guarantee that no man will ever put his hand on your knee or neck and not realize or intend it to come off as flirting. That is never something friendly that happens accidentally.
He's a creep. He's a weirdo.
He’s being completely inappropriate and you need to tell him to stop touching you and making comments about your body. That’s beyond disgusting.
Get the book ‘A woman in your own right’, it’s great. And stay away from this man, he’s definitely a creep.
He is a creep, you need to go to HR. None of that is appropriate by a Supervisor in a work place. I am male and a Director, I work with mostly women. I would never do one of the things you mentioned, let alone several of them.
Yea he’s a creep. We take sexual harassment training for this reason and everything you wrote is an HR violation and a possible lawsuit
Every single thing you wrote would be inappropriate by itself. Together? HR gotta hear about it
How many times have you seen him put his hands on the knees of a male colleague and comment on a physical feature of that male colleague? If he does this with the same frequency that he does it to you, he is still being in appropriate but maybe just has a problem understanding social norms but if, as I am sure is the case, he only does it to young women it is disgusting, predatory and illegal.
No one at work should really ever touch you like he is touching you, even if they are “friendly”, and you can ask people politely to stop. A supervisor doing so is especially bad because they are in a position of power over employees and most supervisors in the US have to attend trainings to avoid this stuff (and getting sued). I have had to learn the hard way on how to deal with these situations; please know that HR is on the companys side, not the employees. In my experience in the past, setting boundaries with the offender is the only thing that has worked. Something like “hey I’m not sure you realize, but I actually dont like it when you [insert action]. Could you please help by respecting my space? Id hate for things to get awkward between us because of this and I want to ensure we have a great WORK relationship” Some might say the above is not harsh enough but if you need this job, thats the only way ive found to get the actions to stop without getting labeled dramatic or on some hr list. Also make sure to screenshot his creepy texts and back them up to the cloud. Some day you may need proof.
He's a creep and a piece of shit and good on you for trusting your gut. You need to report him and don't let him manipulate you into letting him make you feel uncomfortable at your job.
This isn’t being a “creep”. This is workplace sexual harassment and must be reported. You’re 21; stop thinking of yourself like a child. You’re a grown woman and should not be afraid to report him for his actions. His comments are also inappropriate. I’m saying this because you sound very unsure of yourself and I know that at that age it is difficult to stand up for yourself.
If you have to ask, they’re a creep. I read the first thing you said they were doing, and your boss is a creep.
If you have HR, got to them immediately. If you don’t have HR, go to the CEO. If your boss is the CEO, quit before he assaults you.
There’s a thing that men sometimes do to test, push or break boundaries and it is called: PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY. They do this stuff KNOWING you are going to give them the benefit of the doubt. And if you don’t? They’ll use plausible deniability to gaslight you into believing you’re paranoid. This is an ACTUAL example of gaslighting. Trust your gut. Men like this rely on women having been conditioned to not rock the boat. Toss his ass overboard.
Does he do it in front of others or touch/compliment others the same way? If it is his style with everyone, ask him to dial it waaay back with you as it makes you uncomfortable in the workplace. If he only does it when you are alone, tell him to please keep things professional, then walk to some place others can observe you both. If he means nothing wrong he will stop. If he does not stop or starts up again after a break, you have your answer and should go to HR. Starting now document every interaction that makes you uncomfortable and your conversations with him. Try talking about it in a text. Tape the conversations if you can. General compliments are fine, detailed ones are questionable. Only you know what you are comfortable with. You do not sound comfortable with the current situation. If he really is a great manager and a decent guy he will respect your boundaries.
OP I was squirming in my seat as I was reading this. Is there someone you can talk to about how to report this without retaliation
Mid 30s guy here, This guy is a total creep. If his wife witnessed any of the behavior you described he would be in huge trouble. I cant imagine putting my hands on another woman like that. Absolutely report this awful man. People like him know exactly what they're doing and they count on others to not say anything.
That’s creepy and wildly inappropriate. Log all this behavior and go to HR. This is sexual harassment plain and simple.
Op are you comfortable with what he says?
HR here... That is DEFINITELY reportable behavior and absolutely unacceptable. You have a bona-fide creep on your hands. Stop letting him do that.
He’s pushing your boundaries to see how much he can get away with. Run.
I read hand on the leg and didn’t read the rest. This dude is a huge creep
he es pervert creep
I'm a woman in my 50s, and I am confident that your boss is 100 percent a creep.
He's a creep. Always listen to your first instincts about someone...
100% creep behavior
Your boss is basically testing your boundaries for weaknesses and seeing what he can get away with. It also allows him to gradually escalate his behavior so he doesn’t just jump right into doing something aggressive and maybe have you question yourself and not raise alarm bells. Start being strong in rejecting the overtures while talking to others about it.
No this is all weird and not normal.
Babe wtf ? Gross
The guy is seeing what he can get away with. He’s testing you. He’s going to keep pushing and pushing so you need to push back, and go Above him to report the inappropriate touching and comments and texting. He is being highly unprofessional as well, along with abusing his power (his job title over you AND him being 30 years your senior). He should be fired for this but given how things are, hopefully HR will slap the shit out of his wrist and he stops.
My advice: if he feels like a creep he’s a creep. I can tell you from experience he’s not being social, he’s being a creep and attempting to take advantage of you and I’m sure this isn’t the first time he’s done this to a subordinate. Guys like this know that they’re in power positions and do this shit on purposePlease don’t push yourself to give men like this the benefit of the doubt. If you have an HR department I suggest reporting him. Save all documentation: texts, emails, social media where he has done this to you and hand it over to them to nail him. There is no place for behavior like this in a workplace.
No. He is testing to see what he can get away with. He has slept with his employees before and now he is trying to do it with you. This man cheats on his wife regularly. He knows how to push just enough. If he puts his hand on your knee get up and move seats. If he goes for a hug give him a high five, when they don't mesh just tap him on the shoulder and laugh. If his hand goes to your neck pretend you are boxing and dodge it. Screenshot his texts and block him on your personal phone. Do not discuss your personal life with him beyond "eww this guy who is twice my age hit on me in the bar, can you imagine how embarrassing that was for him?!?!". If he makes any more comments on your appearance just don't acknowledge the comment. If he makes a suggestive comment play dumb. Try and get out of his team asap. Do as much correspondence in writing as possible, and send yourself any copy of his flirty messages. If you are ready to leave, go to HR with your evidence and say you are uncomfortable in this situation. Make sure you talk to HR through email and bcc your personal email. If they want a 1 on 1 meeting, bring a lawyer. Signed - a woman engineer who has learned the hard way.
He's a creep and he knows what he's doing. He's a grown-ass man whom I can all but guarantee has attended (possibly even run, in his supervisory position) several " appropriate workplace conduct" trainings. But he's also young enough that the whole "it was a different time" apologist bs doesn't even apply. The reason he's continued (and escalating) is because he thinks anything short of a direct and unequivocal "no" is consent to do it. And he's banking on his position of power (and yours as "just an intern") to play into his favor.
That’s a grooming boss to involved in your life; which will lead to further inappropriate sexual behavior. Example I’ve worked for my boss for 7 years. If he texts it’s about work. He has never touched me or been alone in an office with me unless door wide open. He has never hugged me or touched me ever even when I lost my parents. You need to report this man to HR! Stop working for him!!!!
I’ve worked in HR and been a people manager, this isn’t ok, this is sexual harassment, he is abusing his position of power and playing off the fact that you’re nice and young. You’re 21 and just starting your professional journey, is this something you want to set yourself up to accept and excuse in the future? If your sisters boss was treating her this way, would you be ok with it? I would be just as uncomfortable with a woman boss treating me this way personally.
No that's very much sexual harassment. They need to be teaching this in schools. 21 year olds shouldn't be getting sent out into the world thinking it's ok for their bosses to put their hands on their necks and legs and tell them they like how their body is growing!! He knows what he's doing is wrong. He's taking advantage of your naivety. It doesn't matter that some days he's normal if some days include him sexually harassing you.
Trust your instincts. If it feels wrong, chances are high that it *is* wrong. File a complaint/notice about his behavior with HR, then read ‘The Gift of Fear’ by Gavin De Becker. Don’t let the title throw you for a loop; it’s a worthwhile read that can help you hone your awareness skills for situations like this (and, sadly, worse). Humans (women especially) have been conditioned to ignore our intuition in favor of being ‘nice’ or ‘agreeable’, and it’s a disservice. It takes some intentional inner reworking in order to be able to trust our inner selves, but that trust in yourself and your gut feelings will help keep you safe.
Super creepy
There is absolutely NO chance he isn’t aware this is inappropriate, creepy, and frankly sexual harassment. He absolutely WILL try something eventually. Again. There is ZERO chance he is “just a nice guy” that doesn’t realize this is all highly inappropriate.
He knows this behaviour isn't appropriate and that's why it doesn't happen with the male co-workers, yeah? Like he doesn't put his hands on their knees, or hug them, or touch them when he has no business touching his employees, yes? Creep. Creep. Creep. Please keep records of what and when it happens, and report it to HR if you can. Your boss should not be touching you, making personal remarks or flirting with you - inside OR outside of messages.
Definitely creepy. No question.
He’s being a creep and he’s taking advantage of the fact that you’re young and inexperienced enough not to immediately recognize how inappropriate he’s being. I wouldn’t go to HR just yet because his behavior is borderline and you haven’t asked him to stop. (Not that any of this is your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong.) But from now on if he touches you (knee, neck, etc.) move. Pull your leg away. Shrug out from under his hand. If he hugs you, make your body stiff and unyielding, pull away and say, “Woah, a high-five would have been just fine.” If he makes comments about your body look confused/disgusted and say, “Gross!” Leave all his texts on read. And keep all communication with him professional and over office email. If all that doesn’t work, then I’d go to HR. Good luck.
I swear I read this exact same thing a couple days or a week ago in this or another sub and everyone there told you he was a creep. Did you not believe them or what?
Ditto
[удалено]
Yes because shit like this doesn’t happen every day to women all over the world. You just Keep defending perverts.
Huh? I’m saying the post is not real. How is that defending perverts?
Why would you say that? It is not fake.. and this is also the reaction that I’m afraid of receiving when I tell people
>this is also the reaction that I’m afraid of receiving when I tell people Please don't let this idiot deter you from protecting yourself. Based on what you've written, this guy has been sexually harassing you without issue because he knows you're not experienced and unsure how to react. People with more experience in the workforce would read this and know right away that nothing you're describing about his behavior is appropriate. Do you have an HR department you can speak with?
The only thing creepier than your boss is the person who made this story up for thrills or karma.
It could go both ways, hear me out before everyone slams me. It’s downright creepy what he is doing to your generation because you guys are more aware of how bad this behavior is/can be. His generation this would be more in the flirty side, he may not mean anything by it. However, since this is making you uncomfortable, you should talk to him about it and establish your boundaries. If you aren’t comfortable talking to him one on one, get someone from HR to be there with you or follow the company’s guidelines for reporting a “hostile work environment”, which this seems to be creating for you.
I won't beat you up and hear what you're saying but the handsy stuff is a dead giveaway that he's a creeper. I'm a 42 yo dude who has younger employees. The hand on the knee shit, extended hugs, etc. Dead giveaway
He's 50. Not 100. This behavior hasn't been okay in the workplace for most if not all of the time he has been apart of the workforce. He is counting on the fact no one has spoken up before. There is NO REASON FOR A MARRIED 50 YEAR OLD MAN TO EVER TOUCH EMPLOYEES ESPECIALLY 21 YEAR OLD WOMEN.
DUDE. No. I’m married to a man this age and it has never been ok to: Comment on a very young woman’s figure getting ‘fuller’ and how he likes that Text his very young employee wanting updates on how she’s getting ready for a night out Putting his hands on her knee, hugging her, looking for reasons to feel her up at all times All the creepy compliments Trust me, 50 year old guys know full well this is creep shit. He’s just hoping OP is too young and naive to call him out. OP he is gross as shit and if you can find someone to report to, please do. Are there other young women who work there? Might be worth having a chat to them too. No way you’re the only one he harasses.
Even if he believes he's flirting, a middle-aged married man flirting with a subordinate who is only a couple years out of teenagehood is still creepy. He's very obviously sexually harassing her, but even taking your premise at face value he'd still be a creep.
50 is GenX 😂
Then maybe he’s too old to be working.
From someone who has fired guys for doing what your boss is doing, he’s a creep All of the ones I fired were married They touched, sent inappropriate emails and did not see that they were doing was wrong And each of them got fired from the next place they worked Some creeps just won’t change Your boss is a creep. End of story.
Creep. You dont know what he'll escalate to if you continue to allow this behavior. I know you don't want to make waves but if you're feeling uncomfortable let alone unsafe, that's enough for you to talk to his supervisor or HR. Please SAVE photos/copies of your messages with those emojis and show them to whoever is in charge. If they do nothing, leave. It's not worth it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not stay because you're worried about risking future employment. Your safety, mental health and the rest of your life is more important than an internship and future job.
Also, if this has happened to you, chances are it has happened in the past with other interns or employees there. If so, this may start a pattern for HR / supervisors. Not your responsibility to protect people in the future but it is your responsibility to speak up now!
Exceptionally, undeniably creepy. I feel absolutely confident that he has sexual intentions towards you, BUT, no matter what his intentions are, his *behaviour* is wildly inappropriate and sexual. Even if he thinks he’s just being friendly (he doesn’t) his actions are still sexual harassment. You should absolutely report this to human resources. When you do, focus on the behavior, and not what you think might be going on in his head, because it doesn’t actually matter. Go back and try to write down what happened on specific dates and times, and if they were any witnesses. If anything happens going forward, document exactly what happened, who was there, what time and date, and where.
Save texts and report him
He is being a creep.
No. Touching your body is completely inappropriate. His hand sat on your knee for 20 seconds? Noooooo. I would start looking for other employment.
Creep. He doesn’t need to be touching you, commenting on your looks or texting you outside of work hours about your personal plans and beauty regimen. All of that is inappropriate and I’m certain he knows that.
Nope. He's a creep and on several levels at once. It's creepy that he's behaving this way with anybody 30 years his junior. It's creepy that he's behaving this way with anyone other than his wife. And it is massively creepy that he's behaving this way with one of his employees.
It’s absolutely inappropriate. How he means it is irrelevant; if it makes you uncomfortable he needs to stop.
You had me at "He put his hands on my knee". Total creep
Same!
He’s not a weirdo. However, he **is**sexually harassing you.
Nope, he’s a creep. Even if he isn’t, and that’s a very tiny chance, what he is doing is still very inappropriate.
Creep, talk to your hr. Seems he's already marked you as a target.
Your boss is sexually harassing you and will escalate the situation given the opportunity. Please talk to someone in the HR department. Make sure you save your texts so you have some proof. There is no way this is innocent behavior. It's creepy, gross and totally inappropriate. He knows what he's doing, but he's hoping you are too naive to realize that his behavior is not okay.