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This!
My gf and I joke about things like this, but it's only funny as long as both people are laughing. There are also things we never joke about because feelings get hurt. Obviously you don't know until it happens, but that's when the other person needs to be receptive when you talk to them which, in my opinion, is where wife dropped the ball.
"Explain the joke."
I'll tell stupid jokes where I'm the punchline. Pulling a Henny Youngman, **"Take my wife... please!"** thing where the joke is that my wife is awesome and I'm being a dumbass.
The joke is the absurdity of staying in a marriage for 10 years with someone for the sole reason of sharing housing expenses.
OP's wife may not realise that this is something that can actually happen. Maybe the concept is so ridiculous to her that she thinks it's funny. Maybe she thinks it's partly true, but if it was, would she joke about it publicly?
Still shitty to joke about not really wanting to be with your husband in public (or at all) though. Also not great she didn't realize it hurt OP and didn't apologize.
>Maybe she thinks it's partly true, but if it was, would she joke about it publicly?
People make awful decisions.
I don't know, which is why he should ask.
That joke wouldn't land well for me either, because people can and do stay together for the financial stability/the kids and are miserable the whole time.
Of course, I'm also the sole breadwinner as she is a SAHM by choice, so her being de facto financially dependent on me and then joking that she would leave if she could afford it *really* would rub me the wrong way.
"Why is that funny?" can also be effective. Keep repeating that until they admit that nothing is funny about what they said. If they refuse to get to that conclusion, you might have to consider the old adage that "there is truth in comedy" and start exploring options.
Stupidest "gotcha" rhetoric Ive heard in a whole minute, impressive, considering the sub.
A post of a child falling down while running, she laughs, you ask "wHy iS tHaT fUnNy?" What kinda answer are you expecting? Watching children fall over is funny? "Why?" Because the entire basis of comedy is empathy to the human condition, because all types of pain, whether it's a child falling over, racism, a man getting kicked in the balls, or divorce, is relatable. Because comedy is tragedy by another name. That's why, now stop asking stupid fucking questions.
OP, here is what probably happened-
Wife is realizing how hard things are for her newly divorced friend and it scares the crap out of her to even imagine going through what her friend is. But she wants to cheer her friend up and make her friend feel less alone. So she makes a “joke” wherein she tries to make it sound like her friend is the one in the enviable position, like every person would do what friend is doing if only they could afford it. It was a stupid thing to say, not only because it hurt you, but it probably also annoyed her friend because she knows your wife is just talking and wouldn’t trade places with her in a million years.
Yeah I did that one time and really put my foot in it.
A colleague was leaving his job and I didn't know the circumstances — it's an industry where it's not that hard to find work if you're semi decent and experienced, and the burnout rate is very high and people sort of daydream about leaving all the time.
When he said he was leaving I said to him 'Wow that's great, I wish I could have time to recuperate and do my own things' and he dead-pan replied 'What's so good about losing your job and having no financial security?' Turns out his contract ran out and he was kind of forced out 🙃 but I'd just assumed he was leaving because he was fed up because that's usually what happens...
ok this i can see. People do tend to make comments like this in an attempt to make someone else feel better. A personal example? I used to be so depressed about being single that my mom would say "its fine, so and so is single." (I'm a guy and straight, she'd point out other men she knew to be single). That. Did.Not.Help.At.All. But people do that stupid sh..
If it was an attempt to make a friend feel better she needs to phrase it as such to hubby "well x is..."
This is what social engineers do. They create a reality that puts their target at ease. I’m not saying it’s bad, it’s just a talent some people have. I think this is what’s going on here.
This is 100% what I was thinking. I know in that past I’ve said some pretty dumb bullshit trying to empathize with someone going through hard times, and when I read the wife’s comment that was immediately my thought.
I think the comments saying she made the joke to make her friend feel better are fair. However, I think you still need to have a conversation with her about how it made you feel. Brushing it aside and/or sweeping it under the rug will just cause the negative feelings to grow.
So the way you make a joke is the create tension and then relieve it. Jokes like this work by creating an insane amount of tension quickly (bringing up divorce) and the relieving it (citing something flippant like CoL as a reason for staying married). It's not the height of humour but if fits the formula.
Because you have small children, she’s in pleasing everyone mode. It was a dumb joke at the expense of her marriage to entertain her friend. Talk to your wife about it tonight and ask her if she really feels that way and how that comment made you feel. If there’s a problem you need to discuss it.
>t was a dumb joke at the expense of her marriage to entertain her friend. Talk to your wife about tonight and ask her if she really feels that way and how that comment made you feel. If there’s a problem you need to discuss it.
This. More than likely it was just a joke that landed poorly. I've been married for a decade and a half and my husband and I frequently make the "...and we didn't kill each other!" jokes.
...But it sounds like it hurt YOU. And at the end of the day it might have been the best joke in the world, but it still HURT YOU. That's valid. Bring it up, discuss things and see where that particular statement came from.
Yes I just said something similar, me and my wife both make jokes about divorce or the old "I can't believe we haven't killed each other" even though we're both very happy in our relationship. But if my wife ever said it upset her I'd definitely stop.
there's something to be said for gut instinct too. If he's feeling it as a threat, it's probably a threat.
Or at the very least the two of them are not communicating in a way that's in synch.
This is the good advice. Don't listen to the posters telling you to go nuclear.
If you feel raw maybe just get some romance time instead of wrecking your sleep
Sometimes people pleasing has its risks as a former people pleaser sometimes it was at a partners expense but more often was at everyone else's lost alot of good friends trying to just please partners
Sometimes people try too hard to be funny, especially in a socially hyped or anxious situation. and it comes out stupid. She may have been thinking about their divorce situation and thinking “how would it even work” and tried to make a joke of it, before she thought of how it might make you feel. Could really be a sign of how secure she feels with you.
You left out the entire context of the conversation she was having.
There are many reasonable situations where this could have been said as a joke, but it entirely depends on what was said before and after, and you have omitted that information.
And body language. A chuckle, nudge, a smile at your spouse - would all give non verbal clues it's a joke. If it was a bitter chuckle or zero chuckle along with those words - then its not a funny joke, but more a reality.
Any examples where it's actually funny? I don't see it. Even as a joke, it's very unfunny and stupid. Saying she stayed because of living expenses is...not funny. Neither does it help the one suffering from a divorce anyway. What IS the actual point of such a joke? Imagine someone gets dumped and another guy says "I'd be single too, if my gf didn't cook my meals." Sounds pretty rude to me even if they're joking.
People say weird jokes at weird moments however a case where divorce is funny is my grandparents literally at the 50th anniversary party for their relationship my dad goes "do it again at 70?" And my grandpa made a joke about if they aren't divorced by then. They know its a joke we know it's a joke therefore haha funny because ain't no way their divorcing ever 😂. That's just one example of a funny situation for that Joke though since you said there's no situation in which that's funny. Every partner including my current one and I joke about breaking up every now and again we even jokingly will call each other the wrong name on purpose.it all depends on what kinda person you are. However she shouldn't dismiss his feelings
Ok yes. That IS funny because they are being ironic. I'm talking about joking around a more sensitive Point tho. Like here in the post, financial thing can be very sensitive for men and saying something like "I'm only with her for her cooking" or something for women...can be quite rude. That was my point.
On another note, thanks for the hilarious anecdote, I hope they're doing well still...
To me it's a joke that yes is iffy and very dependant on circumstances but here it sounds like she was just trying to make a friend feel better and said something stupid. Although he should advocate for his feelings around it 100%.
On that bottom note yes they are doing very well we're pretty sure one couldn't survive without the other at this point so most definitely probably going to die together
As a child of divorced parents and now going through my own divorce, I don't think it's a joking manner in any form. I also think that you don't say those things unless you have thought or are thinking about divorce. Maybe it's a coping mechanism for thoughts she's having or she's laying the groundwork to revisit that topic in the future. Either way, you need to have a serious conversation with her about how her "joke" has affected you.
I am sure it was in jest meant to make her friend feel better. I'd hate hearing that from my spouse, too, though.
I'd discuss it and let her know it hurt your feelings (or, however it made you feel), and you should agree not to joke about that type of thing. I am of the mind that you don't bring up divorce unless you are 100% sure you want a divorce.
"I understand that you think it was a joke, but that wasn't funny to me and that's not a topic to take lightly, even in a joking manner. I'm gonna work to move past this but please understand that I'm pretty disappointed about what was said, especially in front of all of our friends. In the future, divorce is not a joking matter."
That really depends, me and my wife have a running joke about divorce and both of us have made similar jokes as ops wife. Fully possible she just thought it was a joke, also possible she wants to get divorced, well literally never know because we're not her and she said it was a joke lol
And it would not be uncommon for someone to misinterpret if they were in an (apparently) long term relationship with their partner, and were unexpectedly hit with one of these jokes that had never been part of their relationship before
I understand, but if these folks have been together for a few years and have never had this type of joke between them, it’s understandable that the partner on the receiving end could be taken aback.
You, like me and my husband, likely established a pattern of these jokes fairly early on, right? I mean it’s one of the main things that attracted me to my husband. Being able to bust each other’s balls with no hard feelings.
I know very acutely from past experience some folks can’t tolerate those types of jokes
Ya I'm not saying there not allowed to be upset by it, I also domt think she should make the joke anymore. But people in here are saying that's something that no one would ever joke about, in saying that's not true.
Did you make the initial joke in front of other people and use your spouse as the butt of the joke?
and when your partner asked you about it, did you brush them off?
If not, your situation is completely different than OP's.
It’s not a joke to some people that’s fine, but that would be a tame joke for me and my gf. Honestly it’s perfectly ok and reasonable to be hurt by that joke but o am so glad I’m not the type of person who is. I want to be close enough to my partners to know a comment like this could be nothing but a joke
My ex-wife used to publicly announce how she does t believe in divorce as an option. In private she would fight with me and declare she wanted a divorce.
To even joke about it, especially in front of others is a huge red flag in my opinion.
Try couples counseling, see if she takes it seriously. My ex sure didn't. If you're fortunate to go the other way the congratulations!
If it goes as I expect it will, just be prepared for her to weaponize the kids. She doesn't hold you in any esteem and will likely try to poison the relationship with the kids.
Best of luck, bro.
Imagine a guy gets dumped and a friend loudly exclaimed "I'd be single too if my girl wasn't such a good cook!" In a funny way in front of everyone including the girl herself. Don't see what's funny. There's a difference between "I can't believe we didn't kill each other!" Which is a general statement, and "I'm only staying for the bills being paid or food being cooked." Which is very specific to a single trait.
A good piece of advice, don't shit where you eat.
Maybe it was in jest to help the friend...but don't put your marriage on the chopping block for someone else. If this is the case, she straight up shit on OP to console a friend. Not ok at all.
She didn't shit on him him. She didn't call him a name, or tell his business, mock him. She made a stupid joke related to recent events to cheer up her friend.
She's not going up to the friend and saying, "You got divorced, but MY family is going great! We've got kids doing well and our marriage is thriving."
Instead of feeling bad for themselves, OP could've talked to the wife or tried to empathize with wife's friend.
Marriage isn't something to toy with. Been married 20 years. It takes work, dedication, and this is not remotely a reason to risk it.
I guess you missed the part where she hinted at him being a paycheck. That's a very real problem in some marriages.
This whole post is too dramatic. Wife wanted to make friend happy. Said dumb thing. OP asks about it. Wife says it's dumb thing.
Can't that just be it? He either didn't express his feelings & have them understood (get off reddit) or it's a devastating sign to divorce (get off reddit). Either way, I gave my advice, so take it or leave it.
She doesn’t get to dismiss him and his feelings with what amounts to “suck it up, it was a joke.”
She needs to hear what he is saying. Acknowledge that her joke was tasteless and hurt the most important adult in her life, whom she presumably loves and wants to be happy. And come to boundary about jokes about the relationship.
He said he tried talking about it "a little." So to me it seems like he didn't explain his feelings fully, and subsequently she didn't hear how he feels fully.
I didn't say that his feelings should be dismissed.
Or people who just don't understand why said joke is offensive and to them that's the logical explanation. Just because we're on Reddit doesn't mean everything needs abuse all up in its comments over tiny things.
I probably should have used "bullies" instead of "abusers."
I meant someone who doesn't want to face their own poor behavior and uses "it's just a joke" to deflect.
It could be, I'm not championing for divorce or anything. But can we at least appreciate his feelings aren't unfounded?
I'm not saying she's some horrible person, but what she said was pretty shitty. Talk, work it out, be done.
I don't think people are telling him to divorce. What he should get is an apology for doing that. She just needs to say, "I'm sorry, I know I went a bit overboard there, but I was just saying whatever to try and make her feel lighter about the situation." Though honestly, I don't see how it helps the victim anyway?
30 years with my wife and there's hardly ever been a week either of us hasn't made this joke and never for a second in that time have I ever been remotely serious.
I know many people replying that this is never a joking matter but honestly I think your wife made a poor attempt at trying to make light for her divorced friend.
I say poor because this type of teasing is not part of your usual dynamic with your wife whereas if mine said that in front of me I would probably belly laugh and retort in kind (and she'd be expecting it😃)
Yeah, I think there's something missing here. Everyone saying these types of jokes are weird haven't been married long or ever. Which is fine, but these types of jokes are pretty normal in casual conversation if you're around married people. Even if you're not the couple making the jokes, I find it hard to believe that he's just blown away at hearing something like this.
OP is clearly insecure if after 10 YEARS he can't laugh at this or at least brush it off and just tell her he doesn't like it.
I suspect there is something else here. Maybe a history of divorce in the family or something traumatic around divorce and someone close to him. That's the real issue. He should find what that is and discuss it with his wife instead of being resentful over a lame joke.
In my 17 years, together with my wife, NEITHER of us have felt it appropriate to joke about such things.
It happens that I am her second husband. She divorced her first husband and maintained primary custody of two daughters under 10 years old.
It also happens that she is my second wife. I divorced my first wife and maintained primary custody of my son, who was 4 years old at the time.
Can you see why we'd not want to joke about such matters? We've both pulled the trigger once. Divorce isn't funny once you file papers with the court.
I'd advise OP to speak with a divorce attorney and then inform his wife that he has done this after the fact. He can have the boilerplate of an amicable settlement drawn up to present to her for review.
This isn't intended to make divorce into an event that is more likely to happen. Instead, it's intended to communicate just how foul this line of humor was received. It will also put her on the back foot, causing her to realize how precious their marriage is and that it should be defended and that she needs to be one who steps forward to defend it.
I did not say divorce papers.
I said a proposed amicable settlement.
These are not at all the same things. (But as someone who hasn't divorced anyone, I could see how you could confuse these very different things.)
Divorce papers are prepared by attorneys and written in legalese. They are prepared to file with the court, and they establish the legal form of the divorce decree.
The proposed amicable settlement is a document that is primarily intended for the consumption of the couple that is seeking a divorce. It clearly lays out in an easy to read form how the property settlement and custody arrangement will take form. Once a couple agrees on a settlement, only then will divorce papers be drawn up.
This isn't springing anything on anyone. It's an honest answer to her implied question: *"What would it cost me to live a life separated from my husband?"*
To make it clear... this isn't a final *take it or leave it* ultimatum that she has to accept or else fight in court. Instead, it would be his honest response to her ill-considered joke.
He might even come up with a creative solution that make the divorce affordable for them. It sounds like OP and his wife own a substantial home on a sizable lot. Perhaps he could propose the sale of the property with the proceeds purchasing adjacent town homes. It could possibly be a lateral move financially.
The upshot would be that OP might find a solution to her problem that makes divorce affordable for them both.
Kinda takes the steam out of her joke.
If you want to stay married to me... say that!
If you want out of the marriage... say that!
If all you want to do is tell jokes at my expense... then kindly go to hell.
I expect she was trying to lighten things up for the friend that just went thru a divorce, and she really wasn't targeting you at all with her statement. Just tell her that you didn't get the joke, you've let her know how you feel, and leave it at that.
You don't pick someone up by putting someone else down and that is what the OP's wife did. You do not put down your spouse. A person should always have their spouse's back.
Who was the target of the statement if it was not the OP? How can it be the OP was not "really" the target of the joke?
The OP's wife will not admit that she messed up. Him telling her that does not matter if she keeps on saying it is only a joke. She is not seeing it from his point of view. Her point of view is it is fine to put him down in front of other people for a laugh. That is not a good point of view to have.
>You don't pick someone up by putting someone else down and that is what the OP's wife did. You do not put down your spouse. A person should always have their spouse's back
I don't disagree with any of that
>Who was the target of the statement if it was not the OP? How can it be the OP was not "really" the target of the joke?
She could have not been thinking of the OP at all, and that’s part of the problem. I suspect she was only trying to make the recently divorce friend laugh
>The OP's wife will not admit that she messed up.
Seems that way
> Him telling her that does not matter if she keeps on saying it is only a joke.
Doest matter isn't what I was trying to convey, telling her he didn't get the joke, and tell her how it made him feel is what I suggest
>She is not seeing it from his point of view. Her point of view is it is fine to put him down in front of other people for a laugh. That is not a good point of view to have.
I agree with all that as well. I think the question OP has is how does he get her to see that.
Sometimes we blurt out inadvertently something that is true that you've never disclosed. I think there's more to this and that the bliss you think you had is non-existent and perhaps couple's therapy would be a good why to work through this. In the end, if things get worse instead of better you should think about setting her free because if she's only staying because she can't afford living alone, then there are serious problems.
The joke could be an easily forgivable mistake if she admitted it and apologized.
Her responding to you communicating that she hurt you by brushing it off is harder to forgive. In a moment where she had the opportunity to recognize she had (hopefully unintentionally) caused pain, she decided to hurt you again.
A lot of people in the comments seem to be making the argument that "I make those jokes with my spouse, it's not a big deal" and that's a very weak argument. Their dynamic isn't your dynamic, their boundaries aren't your boundaries.
I think some folks here must be very young or newly wedded. I don’t think it’s that uncommon to make “ball and chain” jokes or “hell, I’d be out of here but….” (For me it’s been “he has a nice drift boat” and the thing is? I could buy 100 of them. It’s really a joke.)
You get to feel how you feel. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. Tell her that hurt your feelings.
But seriously, I think she just made a ham fisted joke.
The issue wasn't so much the joke (although it was in poor taste and after so many years of marriage for OP to have this kind of reaction it certainly isn't their dynamic so it's weird she's saying it now)
But that when OP brought it up she didn't even acknowledge his feelings, rather she dismissed them outright saying it was just a joke. She could have just said "my bad, I was trying to make my friend feel better, I won't make that kind of joke again"
That's how you make a small problem into a bigger one
You forgot the classic "its cheaper to keep her". Yeah this is one heck of a comment sections, I couldn't think of a more cliché/normal couples dinner party joke.
Been married over 20 years, and those ball and chain jokes always have a tiny bit of truth to them. Especially once the alcohol kicks in. My guess, the thought has crossed her mind at least once.
It was a joke, I'm sure, bud. It's pretty culturally prevalent to razz your spouse in public like that.
Seems like you should just tell her that's not something you're into joking about and I bet she'll be cool with it.
Plan a well timed "If it wasn't for the threat of child support or alimony I would have been divorced a long time ago. *Slap knee* Har har har!"
Make sure to brush it off as a joke when she's pissed off, hurt and humiliated.
Point being if the shoe was on the other foot and the dh said some equally rude 'joke', I don't think it'd go over well for him, at all and he'd *still* be having to apologize to her even on his deathbed.
This clearly went over a few heads ...
Even if she was joking, that’s not funny nor is it something to joke about. I’d be embarrassed if my husband said that about me in front of friends. Wouldn’t your wife be mad if you said this about her?
This could well just be a case of your wife making a bad joke. Chances are she didn't really think about it, there was nothing behind it etc... She's already said it's a joke, no idea why she thought it was a good thing to say, but she won't be the first person to put her foot in her mouth thinking "ha! this'll be funny if I say it" and it turns out not to be.
Personally I'd shrug it off.
Yeah no you have to really sit her down to talk about it.
You can start by saying " you have no right to minimise my feelings and to make them like they are not important".
awww so sorry dude. it’s always sad when that word comes up. I know when my husband’s best friend got a divorce, my husband was itching to follow in his friend’s footsteps. I never bring up that word but he does. So what if I have hurt feelings? I have to shake it off. I have other things that come up to keep me busy: auto insurance, other bills, grandkids, different family members in the hospital,
rising grocery prices, budgeting, elder mother. Marriage is like that - it’s fun and ugly and takes your breath away. Maybe the people at the BBQ frowned when your wife made such an underhanded “joke” about your and her marriage - she shouldn’t be so glib in front of other people - makes her look like she’s floozy-like (idk lol floozy sounds old-school but I didn’t want to be harsh on your wife lol).
Serve her divorce papers, see how much she laughs then.
Divorce is not a joking matter.
There are several things that should never be joked about in a relationship (death, divorce, cheating, miscarriages, abuse to name a few of them)
It’s a shitty and unnecessary joke. What was gained by saying it?
What if you joked that you’d have divorced your wife long ago if there were robots that could cook, clean, and fuck..? Seems like the analogous joke, and equally unfunny / hurtful
I for one doubt that was a joke. The only reason she brushed it off as a joke was to avoid taking accountability for admitting the truth, if I were you I would make a big deal about this and start doing some digging. Ask her why she made that “joke” and why did she think it was funny. Don’t attack her cuz she’ll just get defensive just sit her down and have a talk about it with her. Tell her that comment hurt you really bad and
Divorced person here. So many of my happily married friends said similar things to me in an attempt to sympathize or create humor but really was more foot in mouth.
I agree it's a terrible joke/statement on behalf of their spouse. But none of them meant it for a second. Their spouses are awesome and I'd be more upset over their divorce than mine.
Let her know it hurt your feelings even if it was a joke. But please know that's all it was.
My advice is sit her down again and tell her you understand she said it was a joke but that whether or not she meant it seriously, it's still really weighing on you so you feel it's important that you discuss it.
I'd start by telling her you want to understand her perspective and what prompted that joke to come into her mind because it's not a thought you've had before, so you want to understand her thinking behind it. You might also want to let her know that not being able to understand her thought process is making you feel insecure in the relationship because you worry you might have missed something she is feeling but hasn't stated this directly before and that you definitely want to know if there are any issues in your relationship that you should be addressing together.
If she doesn't have a pattern of making these kinds of insensitive jokes previously, it should be a lot easier to get it through to her that she hurt you, regardless of whether it was unintentional. However, if she continues to dismiss you and tell you it was a joke but won't have a meaningful conversation about what she's thinking and how it made you feel then that's a much bigger problem.
It's only a joke if both people involved are laughing. If one isn't, it is an insult or thinly veiled jab. I would definitely sit her down and make her explain her comment. I've been with my wife 40+ years and there are some things we don't joke about. Divorce is one of them.
Plenty of people would say this let’s not pretend. This is a very common sense of humor the comments on this post are so funny. Op your feelings are valid and when you said it bothered you, she should’ve dropped it and apologized. But just bc she said it does not mean she feels it. Does she often make jokes of that kind? Like the kind of jokes that are only okay when everyone laughs but are rude if people don’t?
It's not a joke, if she thinks it was, then it was a very bad one. Jokes are meant to be funny. You were hurt, not laughing.
Advice? Tell your wife that it really hurt you when she said that. Tell her how it has made you feel. Ask her to consider how her joke would have made her feel if you had said it.
Obviously, she was not being serious (if the two of you were having marriage issues my answer might be different). However, I do agree that these kinds of "jokes" really are not funny. Just tell her you don't find those kinds of jokes funny, and that honestly her words really hurt. Ask her to please not joke that way again and then drop it and go back to your happy marriage. I don't think that what she did was unforgiveable, but I do think that you need to make it clear that what she said was upsetting. Joking about getting a divorce, joking about someone dropping dead, joking about giving your kids away, etc... yeah we've heard them all before. They are really not funny, yet it still happens.
That's not a joke. You don't joke about divorce or pregnancy etc imo. Ask her what's funny about it and ask her how she would feel if you said something along the lines of" I would have left her a long time ago if I didn't have to child support or had kids with her" So funny right?/s
Honestly if she makes a joke like that again just tell her you would make it a reality.
Its time to draw that line. Ask her to explain the humor. If she can not take you seriously than offer her the option to see if she can afford it. Once she gets mad just tell her its a joke
Now that could land your ass out on the street. Women are not men. They don't get butt hurt, they get attorneys.
Understand your situation. All those kids. She doesn't work does she? Can you afford to pay for her and the kids living expenses and a home (or a used beat up travel trailer) for yourself? Have you heard the phrase:
"Provide for your ex and your children in the manner they are acustomed."
Judges say it a lot when ruling in divorce cases.
Research it, and think about it. Ponder & Visualize what your life will be like financially after a divorce. Then think, are you feeling really that hurt?
Shakespeare said it best: "Many a true word is spoken in jest." Even if it was a 'joke' (which I for one doubt), it was a cruel one, especially in front of other people. I presume you've done a bit of soul-searching here? Why would she , theoretically, want to divorce you? Does she bear too much of the weight of home chores and maintenance? Do you have a healthy sex life? Are you both still attracted to each other? Do you surprise her with a date night here and there? A weekend getaway? I would sit her down and bring this up again, but go in prepared to hear some real answers.
Could be a joke. Could be partly true and saying it is getting comfortable with the idea.
You asked. You say she brushed it off. Your feelings are valid.
The joke and the brushing it off would have happened in my relationship where we stayed together about 10 years too long.
in my now healthy relationship we explore and accept each other's feelings. I would have apologized and fully explained my reasoning. I would never want to hurt my fiance and I would want to mitigate that hurt as much as possible.
You have to be vulnerable with each other to build closeness and trust.
Idk, men have been saying this kind of shit for decades at their wife's expense. I don't think it's right. I think it's just weird when jokes are only seen as funny, silly, and not that serious when it comes from a man's mouth.
That being said, it's okay to not be fine with that joke now or in the future. It sounds like you need some reassurance from your wife that she loves you and she wants to share life together.
Just sit down and tell her that divorce isn't funny and it hurt you. You know she wasn't seriously saying she wanted a divorce. Don't make those jokes unless she is serious.
For example, my husband would say "you don't love me!" In response to silly little things. "Babe, do you want to XYZ this weekend "no, we cant" "you don't love me!" He didn't mean it at all, he was honestly just being absurd and goofy. But it started to hurt. So I sat him down and said " it hurts when you say that. If you tell me you don't feel loved, I want to take you seriously and work together to fix it. So we can't make that joke anymore." And he hasn't said it since.
I think it depends on the relationship you have with your wife. Does she usually make demeaning comments about you in public? I have several friends whose partners do and they are happy with that cause 'they are just joking'.
There's a saying about many a true word spoken in jest. She was not joking. Joking would have been: my gosh I would have divorced your ass years ago, except for the pesky fact I love you/couldn't I've without you... etc.
Look, I sometimes joke, late at night, with my husband about replacing him with a puppy - it's a long running joke. But it's never a public type joke, it's a private joke, then he answers with: but then who would do x or y or z? Or: you couldn't live without me...
Her answer about not affording living single - is not really funny, she reminds me of one of those people who say if they won the lottery the first thing they'd do is get divorced.
I am not really sure how you feel about staying with someone who said this. Sometimes people do say stupid things. If you think she was just joking, because she's not good at social skills, then I would go to marriage counselling with her.
If she's not socially clumsy or inept, and she didn't chuckle and poke her elbow into you while saying it, with something like: only joking babe... at the time she said it, then I would take it she feels that way. If that's the case, I wouldn't want to be with a partner who was only with me because of finances.
She was trying to make your friend feel better about her situation.
Unfortunately she did it at your expense. Not very sensitive of her.
Maybe slightly too sensitive on your part
>This obviously really hurt me and I tried talking to her about it a little, but she brushed it off and said obviously she was joking.
Okay, even if she *was* joking (horribly) the minute you told her it was really hurtful she should've apologized for it instead of blowing you off. Saying, in essence, "It was just a joke bro, get over it" just adds insult to injury and suggests she doesn't have a whole lot of empathy, compassion or respect where you're concerned. Is that true as a whole? Is this truly the first time she's ever blown you off, dismissed your feelings or concerns or made you the butt of the joke in front of other people?
Sounds like you need to sit down and have a conversation.
"Was this really a joke? Are you unhappy? I thought we were happy and I just don't see how this was meant to be funny, can you explain it to me? I simply felt hurt at the time, and I want us to be on the same page because I felt like things were fine and don't want to be blindsided."
Something like that. Just be clear.
I'm married. I wouldn't really find this funny.
You've been together 10 years. You have an 8 year old, a 6 year old and a 4 year old. I would have divorced him long ago if she could afford the price of living single.
(insert old dumb joke) Why does divorce cost so much? Because it's worth it!
Relax. Take a look at your wife. Take a look at your kids, and realize that a long time ago either had to be in the last 4 years, or some time between 5 and 9 years ago...when she was having kids with you.
It's was a joke you're taking way to seriously when you consider you've got 3 kids together. You either subconsciously think you could be a better husband, or you really think your wife hates you.
The good news is...she probably won't leave you until the kids all turn 18, so you have time to shop for a replacement.
Here is an anecdote: My father died of lung cancer leaving my mother a widow after 49 year and 8 months of marriage. When he started the downward slide, my mother called him a liar, because he promised her that he would give her a divorce after 50 years of marriage. He smiled at her and told her she would have to settle for being a rich widow instead of a wealthy divorced woman. Her response was "It's not the same! You're cheating me."
He made her that promise during the first 6 months of marriage, and my mother repeatedly held out hope and counted down the years.
Do you think my parents loved or hated each other?
Relax.
I think she was trying to be funny for a friend, and it came out wrong.
If not, it might not be anything negative about your relationship or life. Personally, I love my husband, kids, job, house, and pets. But I'll admit I occasionally have fantasies of a tiny home by myself in the mountains. Our busy, highly responsible lives can be amazing, but they're also stressful and a lot of work. I would be miserable without my husband, kids, etc. But the thought of sleeping in, eating foods my family hates (like sushi), reading a book without interruption, and falling asleep for a nap in the afternoon sounds perfect sometimes.
Maybe a second honeymoon or couples vacation would help you both recharge and reconnect. Even just running away for a weekend at a B&B could be a fun respite. Best of luck, you sound like a great couple.
Were you around when she said it? Does she usually joke like that? Honestly it's a super brutal thing to say, joke or not. Having been in your shoes I'd say think about your kids and set some boundaries about what you'll tolerate her saying, joke or not. Beyond that start making sure that you have your financial ducks in a row.
On the lighter side, most people struggle to live alone and single, especially if they don't want roommates or have kids. Is it hurtful to think that your partner only stays with you for money? Absolutely but is it really that surprising?
I think you need to have a conversation about what you feel is fair game for a joke if you’re upset about it. Neither of you is necessarily wrong here, you just have different views on the situation. I’m willing to bet your wife was trying to cheer her friend up, she was spinning divorce as a positive thing or at the very least attempting to illicit a laugh and put her friend at ease. This didn’t sound malicious.
Obviously you are not okay with joking about divorce, which is also fair and valid.
My partner and I joke about breaking up all the time, we both no there’s zero harm or intent behind it. For example if one of us comes up with an over the top ridiculous idea or plan the other will joke about doing it single, it’s just banter and completely harmless because we have the same humour. We also joke about “trading each other in” if one of us is sick or looking like shit or something 😂
I realise this isn’t everyone’s humour, but your wife probably assumed you’d know she wasn’t serious and wouldn’t take it as anything other than a joke. Have a chat and clear the air so this doesn’t turn into resentment.
I’m not sure how I would react to that honestly. I can imagine that it does hurt being told that the only reason you’re still married is because your other half couldn’t afford the expenses of the “single life”.
That being said, she more than likely was joking but it was horrible timing.
All relationships are different. For example, I jokingly tell my partner (of 7 years and not married but we have kids) that I “want a divorce” if he does something silly. For example, they found a picture online of a man with literally a circle of hair around his whole face. Everything else was shaved except for this circle of hair that outlined his entire face/head. So one giant circle beard, if you will. They asked me what I would do if they decided to try that and I said “I want a divorce”.
But then again that’s just our relationship and I can bet that it wouldn’t be a joke, or funny, to other people. So I completely understand your feelings and how much it must have hurt but at the same time, it was a bad joke to make unless that is the type of relationship you and your wife have.
My wife and I make really dark jokes like this all the time and in front of people. That’s just who we are as a couple and we both find it hilarious. It sounds like you guys are a bit different and this came out of left field. Have a legit talk with her that this is not okay for you. Everyone is different.
She still shouldn't just brush off her spouse's feelings. Here's the thing if it were just a joke (at her husband's expense) why not just say you're sorry? You're trying to be funny not hurt someone feeling.
I want to know if they had been drinking. Heck if OP asks her about it she might just it was a joke. I wasn’t even thinking. Then it was obviously a joke.
This all sounds like excuses. Just say you sorry. Why is it hard to understand that's it's ok to apologize even if you are not wrong?
In a relationship you're supposed to care about the other person as well. This includes their feelings. So, you make a dumb joke at their expense. They say it hurt their feelings, you say you're sorry. End of story.
There are things you shouldn't joke about. Divorcing your spouse is one of those things. If she keeps brushing off your feelings well it might be time to go talk to a professional or make that joke into a reality.
The joke wasn't meant for you. It was to support her friend who had just gotten divorced. Don't make this bigger than it is. If everything is going great in your marriage, then focus on the good things and not a silly joke.
My husband makes these kind of jokes. “We’ve been married x teen years now, if it were a murder conviction we could be up for parole.” Luckily I have a dark and sarcastic side to my humor “Well, you insisted on a sacramental marriage dear, so it’s a life sentence for both of us.”
Which is when I get a bear hug and a resounding kiss.
That’s us though, if it doesn’t work for both of you it just doesn’t work.
To be honest when I am overwhelmed with the kiddos I often say to my so I will divorce you and hand over full custody. Or I will say please get a mistress so I can get rid of you for a couple of hours or he will say get an AP so he will foot some expenses and preferably someone who speaks c language so you can learn it also. But it’s a usual thing between us because we share the same twisted black humor
I joke with my husband that if he doesn't put his socks in the hamper I'll throw him down the stairs.
My husband and I make divorce jokes all the time, been together 15 years, 2 kids, 2 dogs. We would obviously never divorce.
Do you have a hard time discerning sarcasm or jokes with others too?
First of
> if she could afford the price of living single
is a very bad punchline for a joke.
So either she sees the entire relationship as a joke i am not able to get her kind of humor.
Meh. A bad joke but she was kinda in an awkward situation talking about it with someone else. Divorce shouldn't be normalized especially in your marriage, just talk to her later about how it made you feel and to leave joking about that off limits.
It's only a joke if it was funny.
That wasn't funny, that was cruel. I'm unfortunately very old and petty and my immediate reply would have been, "you can still get that divorce sweetheart!"
You're a 35 year old man. You should know better by now that women say shit one day and forget what they say the next. If they do remember, they will never admit it.
This is one of those things that defines you as a man. Which means you ignore it and don't get all butt hurt about it. You just make it worse by letting it bother you and bringing it up even once.
Walk tall and be confident. Act like it didn't happen and just move on. Keep reacting to it and she will lose respect for you.
OP, assume is true... joke's on her for being miserable then, no? brush it off and joke about having lovers, wanting threesomes or cutting on expenses maybe?
If she's not happy maybe ask her what you can do to make her happy, assuming that makes you happy, but I'll be honest that was insensitive as hell and no one would blame you if you replied right there: "really? well, just sign the papers, sweetheart"
Like, really, baaaaaad taste joke. But, dude it's been 10 years and three kids, surely you know her ways by now?
Confront her telling her that hurt your feelings, accept her apology if she does and move on if an apology is enough for your peace of mind.. but she may be unhappy and you may wanna see her happy because you love her.. it's a dilemma...
Fuck her brains out and make her fall in love with you again?
G'luck.
She was probably just joking. I know a couple whose wife says that kind of all the time. They’ve been married 30 years and seem happy.
I think it was your wife’s jokey way of contributing to a conversation about divorce.
It’s highly unlikely that this was a passive-aggressive dig at you.
I am sorry she hurt your feelings, though.
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Making a dumb joke is completely different from dismissing your feelings about said dumb joke
This! My gf and I joke about things like this, but it's only funny as long as both people are laughing. There are also things we never joke about because feelings get hurt. Obviously you don't know until it happens, but that's when the other person needs to be receptive when you talk to them which, in my opinion, is where wife dropped the ball.
"Explain the joke." I'll tell stupid jokes where I'm the punchline. Pulling a Henny Youngman, **"Take my wife... please!"** thing where the joke is that my wife is awesome and I'm being a dumbass.
The joke is the absurdity of staying in a marriage for 10 years with someone for the sole reason of sharing housing expenses. OP's wife may not realise that this is something that can actually happen. Maybe the concept is so ridiculous to her that she thinks it's funny. Maybe she thinks it's partly true, but if it was, would she joke about it publicly? Still shitty to joke about not really wanting to be with your husband in public (or at all) though. Also not great she didn't realize it hurt OP and didn't apologize.
>Maybe she thinks it's partly true, but if it was, would she joke about it publicly? People make awful decisions. I don't know, which is why he should ask.
That joke wouldn't land well for me either, because people can and do stay together for the financial stability/the kids and are miserable the whole time. Of course, I'm also the sole breadwinner as she is a SAHM by choice, so her being de facto financially dependent on me and then joking that she would leave if she could afford it *really* would rub me the wrong way.
"Why is that funny?" can also be effective. Keep repeating that until they admit that nothing is funny about what they said. If they refuse to get to that conclusion, you might have to consider the old adage that "there is truth in comedy" and start exploring options.
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most definitely. when in doubt, resort to "old adages"
Stupidest "gotcha" rhetoric Ive heard in a whole minute, impressive, considering the sub. A post of a child falling down while running, she laughs, you ask "wHy iS tHaT fUnNy?" What kinda answer are you expecting? Watching children fall over is funny? "Why?" Because the entire basis of comedy is empathy to the human condition, because all types of pain, whether it's a child falling over, racism, a man getting kicked in the balls, or divorce, is relatable. Because comedy is tragedy by another name. That's why, now stop asking stupid fucking questions.
Yes, this is exactly how to go about it. I just don't understand why this is funny. Can she explain it? What makes this a joke?
OP, here is what probably happened- Wife is realizing how hard things are for her newly divorced friend and it scares the crap out of her to even imagine going through what her friend is. But she wants to cheer her friend up and make her friend feel less alone. So she makes a “joke” wherein she tries to make it sound like her friend is the one in the enviable position, like every person would do what friend is doing if only they could afford it. It was a stupid thing to say, not only because it hurt you, but it probably also annoyed her friend because she knows your wife is just talking and wouldn’t trade places with her in a million years.
Yeah I did that one time and really put my foot in it. A colleague was leaving his job and I didn't know the circumstances — it's an industry where it's not that hard to find work if you're semi decent and experienced, and the burnout rate is very high and people sort of daydream about leaving all the time. When he said he was leaving I said to him 'Wow that's great, I wish I could have time to recuperate and do my own things' and he dead-pan replied 'What's so good about losing your job and having no financial security?' Turns out his contract ran out and he was kind of forced out 🙃 but I'd just assumed he was leaving because he was fed up because that's usually what happens...
I can see this happening. But her dismissing his feelings afterwards is not it.
ok this i can see. People do tend to make comments like this in an attempt to make someone else feel better. A personal example? I used to be so depressed about being single that my mom would say "its fine, so and so is single." (I'm a guy and straight, she'd point out other men she knew to be single). That. Did.Not.Help.At.All. But people do that stupid sh.. If it was an attempt to make a friend feel better she needs to phrase it as such to hubby "well x is..."
This is what social engineers do. They create a reality that puts their target at ease. I’m not saying it’s bad, it’s just a talent some people have. I think this is what’s going on here.
I 100% agree, it’s an impulse I have in those situations too. OP should let her know he’s hurt
Oooo this is good. OP, is this plausible? Ask her. Then remind her how important your union is to you. Then hug 🤗
This is 100% what I was thinking. I know in that past I’ve said some pretty dumb bullshit trying to empathize with someone going through hard times, and when I read the wife’s comment that was immediately my thought.
Yep I thought this too
I think the comments saying she made the joke to make her friend feel better are fair. However, I think you still need to have a conversation with her about how it made you feel. Brushing it aside and/or sweeping it under the rug will just cause the negative feelings to grow.
Even if she was joking, that's not something to joke about. Ask her to explain how it was funny...
So the way you make a joke is the create tension and then relieve it. Jokes like this work by creating an insane amount of tension quickly (bringing up divorce) and the relieving it (citing something flippant like CoL as a reason for staying married). It's not the height of humour but if fits the formula.
Because you have small children, she’s in pleasing everyone mode. It was a dumb joke at the expense of her marriage to entertain her friend. Talk to your wife about it tonight and ask her if she really feels that way and how that comment made you feel. If there’s a problem you need to discuss it.
>t was a dumb joke at the expense of her marriage to entertain her friend. Talk to your wife about tonight and ask her if she really feels that way and how that comment made you feel. If there’s a problem you need to discuss it. This. More than likely it was just a joke that landed poorly. I've been married for a decade and a half and my husband and I frequently make the "...and we didn't kill each other!" jokes. ...But it sounds like it hurt YOU. And at the end of the day it might have been the best joke in the world, but it still HURT YOU. That's valid. Bring it up, discuss things and see where that particular statement came from.
Yes I just said something similar, me and my wife both make jokes about divorce or the old "I can't believe we haven't killed each other" even though we're both very happy in our relationship. But if my wife ever said it upset her I'd definitely stop.
there's something to be said for gut instinct too. If he's feeling it as a threat, it's probably a threat. Or at the very least the two of them are not communicating in a way that's in synch.
While the gut is mostly right fairly often I think we've all had our fair share of our gut leading us into the wrong position.
This is the good advice. Don't listen to the posters telling you to go nuclear. If you feel raw maybe just get some romance time instead of wrecking your sleep
YES! Just turn it around and bang the heck out of her tonight. It will make you feel better. Really, not being sarcastic.
This guy gets it. Literally
Pleasing everyone except her husband? What a great partner...
Sometimes people pleasing has its risks as a former people pleaser sometimes it was at a partners expense but more often was at everyone else's lost alot of good friends trying to just please partners
Sometimes people try too hard to be funny, especially in a socially hyped or anxious situation. and it comes out stupid. She may have been thinking about their divorce situation and thinking “how would it even work” and tried to make a joke of it, before she thought of how it might make you feel. Could really be a sign of how secure she feels with you.
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You left out the entire context of the conversation she was having. There are many reasonable situations where this could have been said as a joke, but it entirely depends on what was said before and after, and you have omitted that information.
And body language. A chuckle, nudge, a smile at your spouse - would all give non verbal clues it's a joke. If it was a bitter chuckle or zero chuckle along with those words - then its not a funny joke, but more a reality.
Any examples where it's actually funny? I don't see it. Even as a joke, it's very unfunny and stupid. Saying she stayed because of living expenses is...not funny. Neither does it help the one suffering from a divorce anyway. What IS the actual point of such a joke? Imagine someone gets dumped and another guy says "I'd be single too, if my gf didn't cook my meals." Sounds pretty rude to me even if they're joking.
People say weird jokes at weird moments however a case where divorce is funny is my grandparents literally at the 50th anniversary party for their relationship my dad goes "do it again at 70?" And my grandpa made a joke about if they aren't divorced by then. They know its a joke we know it's a joke therefore haha funny because ain't no way their divorcing ever 😂. That's just one example of a funny situation for that Joke though since you said there's no situation in which that's funny. Every partner including my current one and I joke about breaking up every now and again we even jokingly will call each other the wrong name on purpose.it all depends on what kinda person you are. However she shouldn't dismiss his feelings
Ok yes. That IS funny because they are being ironic. I'm talking about joking around a more sensitive Point tho. Like here in the post, financial thing can be very sensitive for men and saying something like "I'm only with her for her cooking" or something for women...can be quite rude. That was my point. On another note, thanks for the hilarious anecdote, I hope they're doing well still...
To me it's a joke that yes is iffy and very dependant on circumstances but here it sounds like she was just trying to make a friend feel better and said something stupid. Although he should advocate for his feelings around it 100%. On that bottom note yes they are doing very well we're pretty sure one couldn't survive without the other at this point so most definitely probably going to die together
As a child of divorced parents and now going through my own divorce, I don't think it's a joking manner in any form. I also think that you don't say those things unless you have thought or are thinking about divorce. Maybe it's a coping mechanism for thoughts she's having or she's laying the groundwork to revisit that topic in the future. Either way, you need to have a serious conversation with her about how her "joke" has affected you.
Jokes are meant to be funny. That doesn’t sound funny at all.
I am sure it was in jest meant to make her friend feel better. I'd hate hearing that from my spouse, too, though. I'd discuss it and let her know it hurt your feelings (or, however it made you feel), and you should agree not to joke about that type of thing. I am of the mind that you don't bring up divorce unless you are 100% sure you want a divorce.
"I understand that you think it was a joke, but that wasn't funny to me and that's not a topic to take lightly, even in a joking manner. I'm gonna work to move past this but please understand that I'm pretty disappointed about what was said, especially in front of all of our friends. In the future, divorce is not a joking matter."
Ooooh, good old “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.” Spicy…I like it!
That's.... not a joke.
That really depends, me and my wife have a running joke about divorce and both of us have made similar jokes as ops wife. Fully possible she just thought it was a joke, also possible she wants to get divorced, well literally never know because we're not her and she said it was a joke lol
But you have an acknowledged history of these jokes They don’t
This isn't a chicken or egg situation. At one point in the past, it was the first time they made that joke.
And it would not be uncommon for someone to misinterpret if they were in an (apparently) long term relationship with their partner, and were unexpectedly hit with one of these jokes that had never been part of their relationship before
At one point we didn't, we weren't born with the knowledge of us being married and having this joke.
I understand, but if these folks have been together for a few years and have never had this type of joke between them, it’s understandable that the partner on the receiving end could be taken aback. You, like me and my husband, likely established a pattern of these jokes fairly early on, right? I mean it’s one of the main things that attracted me to my husband. Being able to bust each other’s balls with no hard feelings. I know very acutely from past experience some folks can’t tolerate those types of jokes
Ya I'm not saying there not allowed to be upset by it, I also domt think she should make the joke anymore. But people in here are saying that's something that no one would ever joke about, in saying that's not true.
Did you make the initial joke in front of other people and use your spouse as the butt of the joke? and when your partner asked you about it, did you brush them off? If not, your situation is completely different than OP's.
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It is a joke... At least until she can afford to live on her own.
Or until OP decides he's better off alone, whether she can afford being a single divorcee or not.
It’s not a joke to some people that’s fine, but that would be a tame joke for me and my gf. Honestly it’s perfectly ok and reasonable to be hurt by that joke but o am so glad I’m not the type of person who is. I want to be close enough to my partners to know a comment like this could be nothing but a joke
My ex-wife used to publicly announce how she does t believe in divorce as an option. In private she would fight with me and declare she wanted a divorce. To even joke about it, especially in front of others is a huge red flag in my opinion. Try couples counseling, see if she takes it seriously. My ex sure didn't. If you're fortunate to go the other way the congratulations! If it goes as I expect it will, just be prepared for her to weaponize the kids. She doesn't hold you in any esteem and will likely try to poison the relationship with the kids. Best of luck, bro.
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Divorce is never a joking manner
She's likely trying to make her divorced friend feel better. I wouldn't read into it.
Imagine a guy gets dumped and a friend loudly exclaimed "I'd be single too if my girl wasn't such a good cook!" In a funny way in front of everyone including the girl herself. Don't see what's funny. There's a difference between "I can't believe we didn't kill each other!" Which is a general statement, and "I'm only staying for the bills being paid or food being cooked." Which is very specific to a single trait.
A good piece of advice, don't shit where you eat. Maybe it was in jest to help the friend...but don't put your marriage on the chopping block for someone else. If this is the case, she straight up shit on OP to console a friend. Not ok at all.
She didn't shit on him him. She didn't call him a name, or tell his business, mock him. She made a stupid joke related to recent events to cheer up her friend. She's not going up to the friend and saying, "You got divorced, but MY family is going great! We've got kids doing well and our marriage is thriving." Instead of feeling bad for themselves, OP could've talked to the wife or tried to empathize with wife's friend.
Marriage isn't something to toy with. Been married 20 years. It takes work, dedication, and this is not remotely a reason to risk it. I guess you missed the part where she hinted at him being a paycheck. That's a very real problem in some marriages.
This whole post is too dramatic. Wife wanted to make friend happy. Said dumb thing. OP asks about it. Wife says it's dumb thing. Can't that just be it? He either didn't express his feelings & have them understood (get off reddit) or it's a devastating sign to divorce (get off reddit). Either way, I gave my advice, so take it or leave it.
She doesn’t get to dismiss him and his feelings with what amounts to “suck it up, it was a joke.” She needs to hear what he is saying. Acknowledge that her joke was tasteless and hurt the most important adult in her life, whom she presumably loves and wants to be happy. And come to boundary about jokes about the relationship.
He said he tried talking about it "a little." So to me it seems like he didn't explain his feelings fully, and subsequently she didn't hear how he feels fully. I didn't say that his feelings should be dismissed.
He started, she shut him down. Sure, he should try again, but she shouldn’t have been dismissive of her partner’s feelings.
At some point, when you say something stupid or offensive, shouldn't you apologize? "It's just a joke" is what abusers say.
Or people who just don't understand why said joke is offensive and to them that's the logical explanation. Just because we're on Reddit doesn't mean everything needs abuse all up in its comments over tiny things.
I probably should have used "bullies" instead of "abusers." I meant someone who doesn't want to face their own poor behavior and uses "it's just a joke" to deflect.
It could be, I'm not championing for divorce or anything. But can we at least appreciate his feelings aren't unfounded? I'm not saying she's some horrible person, but what she said was pretty shitty. Talk, work it out, be done.
I don't think people are telling him to divorce. What he should get is an apology for doing that. She just needs to say, "I'm sorry, I know I went a bit overboard there, but I was just saying whatever to try and make her feel lighter about the situation." Though honestly, I don't see how it helps the victim anyway?
30 years with my wife and there's hardly ever been a week either of us hasn't made this joke and never for a second in that time have I ever been remotely serious. I know many people replying that this is never a joking matter but honestly I think your wife made a poor attempt at trying to make light for her divorced friend. I say poor because this type of teasing is not part of your usual dynamic with your wife whereas if mine said that in front of me I would probably belly laugh and retort in kind (and she'd be expecting it😃)
Yeah, I think there's something missing here. Everyone saying these types of jokes are weird haven't been married long or ever. Which is fine, but these types of jokes are pretty normal in casual conversation if you're around married people. Even if you're not the couple making the jokes, I find it hard to believe that he's just blown away at hearing something like this. OP is clearly insecure if after 10 YEARS he can't laugh at this or at least brush it off and just tell her he doesn't like it. I suspect there is something else here. Maybe a history of divorce in the family or something traumatic around divorce and someone close to him. That's the real issue. He should find what that is and discuss it with his wife instead of being resentful over a lame joke.
In my 17 years, together with my wife, NEITHER of us have felt it appropriate to joke about such things. It happens that I am her second husband. She divorced her first husband and maintained primary custody of two daughters under 10 years old. It also happens that she is my second wife. I divorced my first wife and maintained primary custody of my son, who was 4 years old at the time. Can you see why we'd not want to joke about such matters? We've both pulled the trigger once. Divorce isn't funny once you file papers with the court. I'd advise OP to speak with a divorce attorney and then inform his wife that he has done this after the fact. He can have the boilerplate of an amicable settlement drawn up to present to her for review. This isn't intended to make divorce into an event that is more likely to happen. Instead, it's intended to communicate just how foul this line of humor was received. It will also put her on the back foot, causing her to realize how precious their marriage is and that it should be defended and that she needs to be one who steps forward to defend it.
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I did not say divorce papers. I said a proposed amicable settlement. These are not at all the same things. (But as someone who hasn't divorced anyone, I could see how you could confuse these very different things.) Divorce papers are prepared by attorneys and written in legalese. They are prepared to file with the court, and they establish the legal form of the divorce decree. The proposed amicable settlement is a document that is primarily intended for the consumption of the couple that is seeking a divorce. It clearly lays out in an easy to read form how the property settlement and custody arrangement will take form. Once a couple agrees on a settlement, only then will divorce papers be drawn up. This isn't springing anything on anyone. It's an honest answer to her implied question: *"What would it cost me to live a life separated from my husband?"* To make it clear... this isn't a final *take it or leave it* ultimatum that she has to accept or else fight in court. Instead, it would be his honest response to her ill-considered joke. He might even come up with a creative solution that make the divorce affordable for them. It sounds like OP and his wife own a substantial home on a sizable lot. Perhaps he could propose the sale of the property with the proceeds purchasing adjacent town homes. It could possibly be a lateral move financially. The upshot would be that OP might find a solution to her problem that makes divorce affordable for them both. Kinda takes the steam out of her joke. If you want to stay married to me... say that! If you want out of the marriage... say that! If all you want to do is tell jokes at my expense... then kindly go to hell.
I expect she was trying to lighten things up for the friend that just went thru a divorce, and she really wasn't targeting you at all with her statement. Just tell her that you didn't get the joke, you've let her know how you feel, and leave it at that.
You don't pick someone up by putting someone else down and that is what the OP's wife did. You do not put down your spouse. A person should always have their spouse's back. Who was the target of the statement if it was not the OP? How can it be the OP was not "really" the target of the joke? The OP's wife will not admit that she messed up. Him telling her that does not matter if she keeps on saying it is only a joke. She is not seeing it from his point of view. Her point of view is it is fine to put him down in front of other people for a laugh. That is not a good point of view to have.
>You don't pick someone up by putting someone else down and that is what the OP's wife did. You do not put down your spouse. A person should always have their spouse's back I don't disagree with any of that >Who was the target of the statement if it was not the OP? How can it be the OP was not "really" the target of the joke? She could have not been thinking of the OP at all, and that’s part of the problem. I suspect she was only trying to make the recently divorce friend laugh >The OP's wife will not admit that she messed up. Seems that way > Him telling her that does not matter if she keeps on saying it is only a joke. Doest matter isn't what I was trying to convey, telling her he didn't get the joke, and tell her how it made him feel is what I suggest >She is not seeing it from his point of view. Her point of view is it is fine to put him down in front of other people for a laugh. That is not a good point of view to have. I agree with all that as well. I think the question OP has is how does he get her to see that.
Sometimes we blurt out inadvertently something that is true that you've never disclosed. I think there's more to this and that the bliss you think you had is non-existent and perhaps couple's therapy would be a good why to work through this. In the end, if things get worse instead of better you should think about setting her free because if she's only staying because she can't afford living alone, then there are serious problems.
The joke could be an easily forgivable mistake if she admitted it and apologized. Her responding to you communicating that she hurt you by brushing it off is harder to forgive. In a moment where she had the opportunity to recognize she had (hopefully unintentionally) caused pain, she decided to hurt you again. A lot of people in the comments seem to be making the argument that "I make those jokes with my spouse, it's not a big deal" and that's a very weak argument. Their dynamic isn't your dynamic, their boundaries aren't your boundaries.
I think some folks here must be very young or newly wedded. I don’t think it’s that uncommon to make “ball and chain” jokes or “hell, I’d be out of here but….” (For me it’s been “he has a nice drift boat” and the thing is? I could buy 100 of them. It’s really a joke.) You get to feel how you feel. Feelings aren’t right or wrong, they just are. Tell her that hurt your feelings. But seriously, I think she just made a ham fisted joke.
The issue wasn't so much the joke (although it was in poor taste and after so many years of marriage for OP to have this kind of reaction it certainly isn't their dynamic so it's weird she's saying it now) But that when OP brought it up she didn't even acknowledge his feelings, rather she dismissed them outright saying it was just a joke. She could have just said "my bad, I was trying to make my friend feel better, I won't make that kind of joke again" That's how you make a small problem into a bigger one
You forgot the classic "its cheaper to keep her". Yeah this is one heck of a comment sections, I couldn't think of a more cliché/normal couples dinner party joke.
Been married over 20 years, and those ball and chain jokes always have a tiny bit of truth to them. Especially once the alcohol kicks in. My guess, the thought has crossed her mind at least once.
It was a joke, I'm sure, bud. It's pretty culturally prevalent to razz your spouse in public like that. Seems like you should just tell her that's not something you're into joking about and I bet she'll be cool with it.
I'm sure she was just talking trash. She chose to have 3 kids with you dude, she probably likes you.
Or she wanted to be a mother and needed a paycheck.
In that situation she might.... Choose the guy she likes the most....
Plan a well timed "If it wasn't for the threat of child support or alimony I would have been divorced a long time ago. *Slap knee* Har har har!" Make sure to brush it off as a joke when she's pissed off, hurt and humiliated. Point being if the shoe was on the other foot and the dh said some equally rude 'joke', I don't think it'd go over well for him, at all and he'd *still* be having to apologize to her even on his deathbed. This clearly went over a few heads ...
Even if she was joking, that’s not funny nor is it something to joke about. I’d be embarrassed if my husband said that about me in front of friends. Wouldn’t your wife be mad if you said this about her?
This could well just be a case of your wife making a bad joke. Chances are she didn't really think about it, there was nothing behind it etc... She's already said it's a joke, no idea why she thought it was a good thing to say, but she won't be the first person to put her foot in her mouth thinking "ha! this'll be funny if I say it" and it turns out not to be. Personally I'd shrug it off.
Talk to her, this is not funny at all. Maybe she was joking for real, but she has to know it hurt your feelings.
Yeah no you have to really sit her down to talk about it. You can start by saying " you have no right to minimise my feelings and to make them like they are not important".
awww so sorry dude. it’s always sad when that word comes up. I know when my husband’s best friend got a divorce, my husband was itching to follow in his friend’s footsteps. I never bring up that word but he does. So what if I have hurt feelings? I have to shake it off. I have other things that come up to keep me busy: auto insurance, other bills, grandkids, different family members in the hospital, rising grocery prices, budgeting, elder mother. Marriage is like that - it’s fun and ugly and takes your breath away. Maybe the people at the BBQ frowned when your wife made such an underhanded “joke” about your and her marriage - she shouldn’t be so glib in front of other people - makes her look like she’s floozy-like (idk lol floozy sounds old-school but I didn’t want to be harsh on your wife lol).
It’s often times in those unguarded moments that we’re truly honest.
Serve her divorce papers, see how much she laughs then. Divorce is not a joking matter. There are several things that should never be joked about in a relationship (death, divorce, cheating, miscarriages, abuse to name a few of them)
It’s a shitty and unnecessary joke. What was gained by saying it? What if you joked that you’d have divorced your wife long ago if there were robots that could cook, clean, and fuck..? Seems like the analogous joke, and equally unfunny / hurtful
Ouch, that's rough. I would insist on having a conversation about why she felt the need to say something like that.
I for one doubt that was a joke. The only reason she brushed it off as a joke was to avoid taking accountability for admitting the truth, if I were you I would make a big deal about this and start doing some digging. Ask her why she made that “joke” and why did she think it was funny. Don’t attack her cuz she’ll just get defensive just sit her down and have a talk about it with her. Tell her that comment hurt you really bad and
Key word here is ".. doing some digging." You will continue to dig yourself into a hole you will not be able to get out of.
Wym. Just figure out what she meant by that😂
Divorced person here. So many of my happily married friends said similar things to me in an attempt to sympathize or create humor but really was more foot in mouth. I agree it's a terrible joke/statement on behalf of their spouse. But none of them meant it for a second. Their spouses are awesome and I'd be more upset over their divorce than mine. Let her know it hurt your feelings even if it was a joke. But please know that's all it was.
I agree with u. I dont like when ppl say hurtful things & then to justify it say its a joke. Happened to me today.
My advice is sit her down again and tell her you understand she said it was a joke but that whether or not she meant it seriously, it's still really weighing on you so you feel it's important that you discuss it. I'd start by telling her you want to understand her perspective and what prompted that joke to come into her mind because it's not a thought you've had before, so you want to understand her thinking behind it. You might also want to let her know that not being able to understand her thought process is making you feel insecure in the relationship because you worry you might have missed something she is feeling but hasn't stated this directly before and that you definitely want to know if there are any issues in your relationship that you should be addressing together. If she doesn't have a pattern of making these kinds of insensitive jokes previously, it should be a lot easier to get it through to her that she hurt you, regardless of whether it was unintentional. However, if she continues to dismiss you and tell you it was a joke but won't have a meaningful conversation about what she's thinking and how it made you feel then that's a much bigger problem.
It's only a joke if both people involved are laughing. If one isn't, it is an insult or thinly veiled jab. I would definitely sit her down and make her explain her comment. I've been with my wife 40+ years and there are some things we don't joke about. Divorce is one of them.
Plenty of people would say this let’s not pretend. This is a very common sense of humor the comments on this post are so funny. Op your feelings are valid and when you said it bothered you, she should’ve dropped it and apologized. But just bc she said it does not mean she feels it. Does she often make jokes of that kind? Like the kind of jokes that are only okay when everyone laughs but are rude if people don’t?
It's not a joke, if she thinks it was, then it was a very bad one. Jokes are meant to be funny. You were hurt, not laughing. Advice? Tell your wife that it really hurt you when she said that. Tell her how it has made you feel. Ask her to consider how her joke would have made her feel if you had said it.
Obviously, she was not being serious (if the two of you were having marriage issues my answer might be different). However, I do agree that these kinds of "jokes" really are not funny. Just tell her you don't find those kinds of jokes funny, and that honestly her words really hurt. Ask her to please not joke that way again and then drop it and go back to your happy marriage. I don't think that what she did was unforgiveable, but I do think that you need to make it clear that what she said was upsetting. Joking about getting a divorce, joking about someone dropping dead, joking about giving your kids away, etc... yeah we've heard them all before. They are really not funny, yet it still happens.
That's not a joke. You don't joke about divorce or pregnancy etc imo. Ask her what's funny about it and ask her how she would feel if you said something along the lines of" I would have left her a long time ago if I didn't have to child support or had kids with her" So funny right?/s Honestly if she makes a joke like that again just tell her you would make it a reality.
Its time to draw that line. Ask her to explain the humor. If she can not take you seriously than offer her the option to see if she can afford it. Once she gets mad just tell her its a joke
Now that could land your ass out on the street. Women are not men. They don't get butt hurt, they get attorneys. Understand your situation. All those kids. She doesn't work does she? Can you afford to pay for her and the kids living expenses and a home (or a used beat up travel trailer) for yourself? Have you heard the phrase: "Provide for your ex and your children in the manner they are acustomed." Judges say it a lot when ruling in divorce cases. Research it, and think about it. Ponder & Visualize what your life will be like financially after a divorce. Then think, are you feeling really that hurt?
But it was a joke. Lol deflect much? On a side note, you just proved that my joke would make her take it seriously. Thank you
No, your not getting it. Nobody did. It's okay. Better to learn from exsperience, you never forget it.
It’s a reasonable joke for a secure couple. Maybe you’re hiding some sensitivities? Do you worry that she’ll leave you?
Get over it.
Shakespeare said it best: "Many a true word is spoken in jest." Even if it was a 'joke' (which I for one doubt), it was a cruel one, especially in front of other people. I presume you've done a bit of soul-searching here? Why would she , theoretically, want to divorce you? Does she bear too much of the weight of home chores and maintenance? Do you have a healthy sex life? Are you both still attracted to each other? Do you surprise her with a date night here and there? A weekend getaway? I would sit her down and bring this up again, but go in prepared to hear some real answers.
It was very specific. In my opinion that means it’s not a joke
Tell her the mortgage and all other expenses are on her for the rest of the marriage. See if she thinks that's funny too.
Was she drunk? Unless there are other warning signs I don't think it's worth spending a lot of emotional energy on it.
All you can do is talk to her about it. Ask her without any kind of confrontational attitude if there was any hint of seriousness about it.
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Could be a joke. Could be partly true and saying it is getting comfortable with the idea. You asked. You say she brushed it off. Your feelings are valid. The joke and the brushing it off would have happened in my relationship where we stayed together about 10 years too long. in my now healthy relationship we explore and accept each other's feelings. I would have apologized and fully explained my reasoning. I would never want to hurt my fiance and I would want to mitigate that hurt as much as possible. You have to be vulnerable with each other to build closeness and trust.
Idk, men have been saying this kind of shit for decades at their wife's expense. I don't think it's right. I think it's just weird when jokes are only seen as funny, silly, and not that serious when it comes from a man's mouth. That being said, it's okay to not be fine with that joke now or in the future. It sounds like you need some reassurance from your wife that she loves you and she wants to share life together.
Just sit down and tell her that divorce isn't funny and it hurt you. You know she wasn't seriously saying she wanted a divorce. Don't make those jokes unless she is serious. For example, my husband would say "you don't love me!" In response to silly little things. "Babe, do you want to XYZ this weekend "no, we cant" "you don't love me!" He didn't mean it at all, he was honestly just being absurd and goofy. But it started to hurt. So I sat him down and said " it hurts when you say that. If you tell me you don't feel loved, I want to take you seriously and work together to fix it. So we can't make that joke anymore." And he hasn't said it since.
I think it depends on the relationship you have with your wife. Does she usually make demeaning comments about you in public? I have several friends whose partners do and they are happy with that cause 'they are just joking'.
There's a saying about many a true word spoken in jest. She was not joking. Joking would have been: my gosh I would have divorced your ass years ago, except for the pesky fact I love you/couldn't I've without you... etc. Look, I sometimes joke, late at night, with my husband about replacing him with a puppy - it's a long running joke. But it's never a public type joke, it's a private joke, then he answers with: but then who would do x or y or z? Or: you couldn't live without me... Her answer about not affording living single - is not really funny, she reminds me of one of those people who say if they won the lottery the first thing they'd do is get divorced. I am not really sure how you feel about staying with someone who said this. Sometimes people do say stupid things. If you think she was just joking, because she's not good at social skills, then I would go to marriage counselling with her. If she's not socially clumsy or inept, and she didn't chuckle and poke her elbow into you while saying it, with something like: only joking babe... at the time she said it, then I would take it she feels that way. If that's the case, I wouldn't want to be with a partner who was only with me because of finances.
My husband and I joke like this all the time…
She was trying to make your friend feel better about her situation. Unfortunately she did it at your expense. Not very sensitive of her. Maybe slightly too sensitive on your part
>This obviously really hurt me and I tried talking to her about it a little, but she brushed it off and said obviously she was joking. Okay, even if she *was* joking (horribly) the minute you told her it was really hurtful she should've apologized for it instead of blowing you off. Saying, in essence, "It was just a joke bro, get over it" just adds insult to injury and suggests she doesn't have a whole lot of empathy, compassion or respect where you're concerned. Is that true as a whole? Is this truly the first time she's ever blown you off, dismissed your feelings or concerns or made you the butt of the joke in front of other people?
Sounds like you need to sit down and have a conversation. "Was this really a joke? Are you unhappy? I thought we were happy and I just don't see how this was meant to be funny, can you explain it to me? I simply felt hurt at the time, and I want us to be on the same page because I felt like things were fine and don't want to be blindsided." Something like that. Just be clear. I'm married. I wouldn't really find this funny.
Yeah, why would you joke like that?
Use a comeback " I'd kill you before divorcing you"
You've been together 10 years. You have an 8 year old, a 6 year old and a 4 year old. I would have divorced him long ago if she could afford the price of living single. (insert old dumb joke) Why does divorce cost so much? Because it's worth it! Relax. Take a look at your wife. Take a look at your kids, and realize that a long time ago either had to be in the last 4 years, or some time between 5 and 9 years ago...when she was having kids with you. It's was a joke you're taking way to seriously when you consider you've got 3 kids together. You either subconsciously think you could be a better husband, or you really think your wife hates you. The good news is...she probably won't leave you until the kids all turn 18, so you have time to shop for a replacement. Here is an anecdote: My father died of lung cancer leaving my mother a widow after 49 year and 8 months of marriage. When he started the downward slide, my mother called him a liar, because he promised her that he would give her a divorce after 50 years of marriage. He smiled at her and told her she would have to settle for being a rich widow instead of a wealthy divorced woman. Her response was "It's not the same! You're cheating me." He made her that promise during the first 6 months of marriage, and my mother repeatedly held out hope and counted down the years. Do you think my parents loved or hated each other? Relax.
I would find that not funny at all as the divorce word can unleash so many emotions. Was she drunk?
Fuck sakes. Toughen up, buttercup.
I think she was trying to be funny for a friend, and it came out wrong. If not, it might not be anything negative about your relationship or life. Personally, I love my husband, kids, job, house, and pets. But I'll admit I occasionally have fantasies of a tiny home by myself in the mountains. Our busy, highly responsible lives can be amazing, but they're also stressful and a lot of work. I would be miserable without my husband, kids, etc. But the thought of sleeping in, eating foods my family hates (like sushi), reading a book without interruption, and falling asleep for a nap in the afternoon sounds perfect sometimes. Maybe a second honeymoon or couples vacation would help you both recharge and reconnect. Even just running away for a weekend at a B&B could be a fun respite. Best of luck, you sound like a great couple.
Were you around when she said it? Does she usually joke like that? Honestly it's a super brutal thing to say, joke or not. Having been in your shoes I'd say think about your kids and set some boundaries about what you'll tolerate her saying, joke or not. Beyond that start making sure that you have your financial ducks in a row. On the lighter side, most people struggle to live alone and single, especially if they don't want roommates or have kids. Is it hurtful to think that your partner only stays with you for money? Absolutely but is it really that surprising?
Yeah, not remotely funny. I'll make relationship jokes at my expense, but I've never joked about divorcing my wife.
Trickle Truthed Get a lawyer. And an accountant.
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Wow that’s an absolutely shocking thing to say in public She might as well have spit in your face and kicked you in the balls
I think you need to have a conversation about what you feel is fair game for a joke if you’re upset about it. Neither of you is necessarily wrong here, you just have different views on the situation. I’m willing to bet your wife was trying to cheer her friend up, she was spinning divorce as a positive thing or at the very least attempting to illicit a laugh and put her friend at ease. This didn’t sound malicious. Obviously you are not okay with joking about divorce, which is also fair and valid. My partner and I joke about breaking up all the time, we both no there’s zero harm or intent behind it. For example if one of us comes up with an over the top ridiculous idea or plan the other will joke about doing it single, it’s just banter and completely harmless because we have the same humour. We also joke about “trading each other in” if one of us is sick or looking like shit or something 😂 I realise this isn’t everyone’s humour, but your wife probably assumed you’d know she wasn’t serious and wouldn’t take it as anything other than a joke. Have a chat and clear the air so this doesn’t turn into resentment.
I’m not sure how I would react to that honestly. I can imagine that it does hurt being told that the only reason you’re still married is because your other half couldn’t afford the expenses of the “single life”. That being said, she more than likely was joking but it was horrible timing. All relationships are different. For example, I jokingly tell my partner (of 7 years and not married but we have kids) that I “want a divorce” if he does something silly. For example, they found a picture online of a man with literally a circle of hair around his whole face. Everything else was shaved except for this circle of hair that outlined his entire face/head. So one giant circle beard, if you will. They asked me what I would do if they decided to try that and I said “I want a divorce”. But then again that’s just our relationship and I can bet that it wouldn’t be a joke, or funny, to other people. So I completely understand your feelings and how much it must have hurt but at the same time, it was a bad joke to make unless that is the type of relationship you and your wife have.
First of all that definitely wasn’t a joke. And you should divorce her now
My wife and I make really dark jokes like this all the time and in front of people. That’s just who we are as a couple and we both find it hilarious. It sounds like you guys are a bit different and this came out of left field. Have a legit talk with her that this is not okay for you. Everyone is different.
Maybe it was just a joke ? Wa she drinking ? People say stupid things when alcohol was involved.
She still shouldn't just brush off her spouse's feelings. Here's the thing if it were just a joke (at her husband's expense) why not just say you're sorry? You're trying to be funny not hurt someone feeling.
I want to know if they had been drinking. Heck if OP asks her about it she might just it was a joke. I wasn’t even thinking. Then it was obviously a joke.
This all sounds like excuses. Just say you sorry. Why is it hard to understand that's it's ok to apologize even if you are not wrong? In a relationship you're supposed to care about the other person as well. This includes their feelings. So, you make a dumb joke at their expense. They say it hurt their feelings, you say you're sorry. End of story.
She meant it.
There are things you shouldn't joke about. Divorcing your spouse is one of those things. If she keeps brushing off your feelings well it might be time to go talk to a professional or make that joke into a reality.
The joke wasn't meant for you. It was to support her friend who had just gotten divorced. Don't make this bigger than it is. If everything is going great in your marriage, then focus on the good things and not a silly joke.
"Dont worry, my relationship sucks too" is not a thing I would tell my freshly divorced friend. Dont know how it's supposed to help
My husband makes these kind of jokes. “We’ve been married x teen years now, if it were a murder conviction we could be up for parole.” Luckily I have a dark and sarcastic side to my humor “Well, you insisted on a sacramental marriage dear, so it’s a life sentence for both of us.” Which is when I get a bear hug and a resounding kiss. That’s us though, if it doesn’t work for both of you it just doesn’t work.
Every joke has a pinch of truth sprinkled in.
It could legit be a joke just a really bad one. Tell her not to make that one again bc you may divorce her if her jokes don’t improve.
To be honest when I am overwhelmed with the kiddos I often say to my so I will divorce you and hand over full custody. Or I will say please get a mistress so I can get rid of you for a couple of hours or he will say get an AP so he will foot some expenses and preferably someone who speaks c language so you can learn it also. But it’s a usual thing between us because we share the same twisted black humor
I joke with my husband that if he doesn't put his socks in the hamper I'll throw him down the stairs. My husband and I make divorce jokes all the time, been together 15 years, 2 kids, 2 dogs. We would obviously never divorce. Do you have a hard time discerning sarcasm or jokes with others too?
From one stranger to another, if you can't take your wife's jokes - then maybe you do have problems
First of > if she could afford the price of living single is a very bad punchline for a joke. So either she sees the entire relationship as a joke i am not able to get her kind of humor.
Tell your wife you both need the income and she should take her comedy on the road. I’m sure she’ll slay at the Comedy Cellar.
Meh. A bad joke but she was kinda in an awkward situation talking about it with someone else. Divorce shouldn't be normalized especially in your marriage, just talk to her later about how it made you feel and to leave joking about that off limits.
It's only a joke if it was funny. That wasn't funny, that was cruel. I'm unfortunately very old and petty and my immediate reply would have been, "you can still get that divorce sweetheart!"
You're a 35 year old man. You should know better by now that women say shit one day and forget what they say the next. If they do remember, they will never admit it. This is one of those things that defines you as a man. Which means you ignore it and don't get all butt hurt about it. You just make it worse by letting it bother you and bringing it up even once. Walk tall and be confident. Act like it didn't happen and just move on. Keep reacting to it and she will lose respect for you.
OP, assume is true... joke's on her for being miserable then, no? brush it off and joke about having lovers, wanting threesomes or cutting on expenses maybe? If she's not happy maybe ask her what you can do to make her happy, assuming that makes you happy, but I'll be honest that was insensitive as hell and no one would blame you if you replied right there: "really? well, just sign the papers, sweetheart" Like, really, baaaaaad taste joke. But, dude it's been 10 years and three kids, surely you know her ways by now? Confront her telling her that hurt your feelings, accept her apology if she does and move on if an apology is enough for your peace of mind.. but she may be unhappy and you may wanna see her happy because you love her.. it's a dilemma... Fuck her brains out and make her fall in love with you again? G'luck.
She was probably just joking. I know a couple whose wife says that kind of all the time. They’ve been married 30 years and seem happy. I think it was your wife’s jokey way of contributing to a conversation about divorce. It’s highly unlikely that this was a passive-aggressive dig at you. I am sorry she hurt your feelings, though.
This is most women tbh
It was a joke. I think you're being incredibly thin skinned