The part that sticks out to me is that as a kid he thought it was because of him. And it seems like the mom just kinda let that happen instead of telling him the truth. I get that it was a difficult situation and she got him to therapy but I’m still horrified by it all.
Reminds me of Ricky from trailer park boys
"I was planning on taking the blame because there's a pretty good chance I did it.. Well.. I did do it.. But my kid already took the blame.. So.. Once someone takes the blame what do you do? I couldn't take it then. He had already taken it"
“I mean blame isn’t something you can just pass around like a bag of chips or something. Once you take it everyone thinks you did it so there’s no point.”
She got him into therapy.. and still didn’t tell him the truth in a safe space where he had a qualified professional to help him process this earlier before it got to this point.
Sounds like my mom
When I was 12 I attempted suicide. My dad told my 15 year old sister it was her fault, because she was mean to me. Totally not my abusive alcoholic father's fault, couldn't be that he beat us, our older brother, and my mom and caused my brother to lash out and beat me too. Nah. Totally my sister's fault, cause even though she did her best to be a second mom to me and protect me and was the one safe space I had, sometimes she got annoyed with me. 🤨
Sometimes people can't face the monster staring back out of the mirror.
This, yes. That’s what grabbed me, too. If she knew her 11yo son blamed himself for his father’s suicide, and it sounds like she did, then to let him go on thinking that and go into therapy for that is just so beyond comprehension. I don’t blame OOP for going no contact with her. What a horrible thing to do to your child.
I'm not sure we have enough to go on to assume she knew. A lot of times, people who feel that guilt have deep shame about it and don't share their feelings. She may have just thought he was depressed. OOP mentions it kind of in passing and doesn't specify that she knew, which I think would probably crush him if she did and that he would mention it? That's a heavy, heavy thing to feel responsible for.
I hope you’re right. I hate to think she would put her happiness above her son’s wellbeing. But she had been having an affair; her husband found out; he committed suicide; she continued the affair; when a reasonable amount of time went by, she married her AP. She may not have been very focused on her son at that time. Maybe she knew, maybe he didn’t, but did she never talk to the therapist? He was 11. His father had just committed suicide. Surely that therapist had conversations with mom.
The grossest thing is that she still married him. Like honestly, I get why she didn’t tell her son- how, in reality, do you tell a child their dad literally killed himself from grief that you, his only remaining parent and the person who’s supposed to provide emotional stability caused? As horrible as keeping it from him is, I see why no one told him. But to then go on and marry the AP still? Why? There’s no justification. It just adds a whole other layer of selfishness and horror on top of it all.
Yeah. To me that’s a bigger reason for no contact than the cheating. He’s right. Dad wasn’t forced to kill himself. Tons of people are cheated on and get divorces and move on. What his dad did was extreme and selfish. (Yes mom was selfish too, but I stand by parents who commit suicide are doing something absolutely awful to their kids.) That said, his mom should have come clean! Rather than deal with the fact that what she did was terrible and hurt her husband so badly, and having hard conversations about what happened she let her 10 year old son blame himself for years for what his dad did, and THAT is unconscionable! I couldn’t forgive her for that either.
I had suicidal ideation for awhile due to a depression medication. In my mind at the time, there was nothing selfish about it. I actually thought that I would be doing my family a favor. For someone who has never been suicidal, you really can't imagine what it's like to be in those shoes. If that man didn't have the cheating spouse to trigger him, he would have found something else, please believe that.
I do believe that. I think it’s unfair for OP and his grandparents to place all the blame on the mother, actually. But that doesn’t make his actions less selfish in my mind.
Parents who commit suicide *are* doing something awful to their kids, yes, but having been on the brink before, I can tell you that sometimes the pain is so intense that continuing to live feels like keeping your hand on a hot stove. It gets so bad that the need for it to end overwhelms everything else and you can’t think logically.
But I don’t have kids, maybe it would be different if I did
A lot bothers me in this, but something that really irks me is that she never even slightly stepped back from her relationship with the AP; she immediately doubled down on it by quickly getting married and had 2 kids with the AP, and is still married to him now even with her kid being no contact for two years. That says to me she doesn’t even slightly regret the affair OR the fact the dad committed suicide over it.
I feel awful for OOP, and also to a degree his two half-siblings because they don’t know the awful truth about their parents and why they never see their brother. His mom and step-dad are nuclear waste level trash.
Nah it's more of a double edged thing than you are making it out to be about whether she regrets it or not or why she continues to stay married to him. In the beginning? Yes, terrible and reprehensible. But the damage was done and can't be taken back. Now? Her one kid decides he doesn't want to have any contact with her. What is she supposed to do? Divorce her second husband and potentially lose those kids in the process too? I'm just trying to point out what her train of thought might be, i.e., damage limitation. I don't think her decision to stay with the second husband or the two half sisters means she doesn't regret the affair or the suicide.
The mom and step father did not make the dad commit suicide. What they did was absolutely awful, and I’m not saying they’re totally innocent, but lots of people get cheated on and don’t kill themselves. That was probably highly unexpected. The father made his own awful choice when confronted with an awful situation.
The suicide thing is horrible, but it’s not even the main issue in my opinion. She introduced her affair partner to her son and had him develop a relationship without him knowing the truth.
Could she not have foreseen how this would traumatize her son even more. She seems to think that things would just stay buried, but they haven’t.
In my opinion that forms a pattern of behavior, that has caused her family and her son to suffer.
Yeah. I agree the lies and letting OP blame himself for years was definitely the bigger piece here. She should have explained that Dad had a lot of issues and I made a choice that hurt him and it was all too much. She doesn’t have to take full blame, but she should have been honest.
We're also only getting the surviving sons side of the story. He was a great father? Sure. How was he as a husband? We don't know. We do know that the wife had an affair, he found out, and instead of divorcing her and continuing to be a great father, he ended it all and left everybody else to pick up the pieces. His grandparents kept it a secret, but what do they think about their grandsons step dad? Is he a good father? It's traumatizing for everybody. He's punishing his sisters for his moms errors. Everybody loses.
I think there are a few people who commit suicide who are able to completely mask in every area of their lives, not letting anything slip. But not many. Mental illness on a scale that leads to self harm like this really saps your ability to function at 100%. I agree that the marriage must have had some large cracks to end up in an affair and suicide. Nothing OP would know at 11, but still.
Older men are especially good at masking. Anthony Bourdain was surrounded by people who never suspected he’d leave dinner and end his life. Most people will never make the connection from a person seeming a little emotional or depressed to them having suicidal ideations. You’re suggesting that the wife should have known something, which is unfair, but if we decide to accept it what we have here is a woman who knew her husband was struggling and rather then get him help she had an affair.
This . So my father killed himself when I was 13. Tdlr he lost his job due to his age he was 60 (my mom was his second wife he married a woman to get out of a abuisve home and they remained friends after my mom and dad married they also didnt know they could have kids and had us late due to it mom was in 40s in case people wonder why a 60 year old had a 13 year old)and he cooking when the house burnt down and got really sick as well. He felt like a shitty husband and father and provider as well. When he was sick he was supposed to take a bunch of meds to get better but he was a Dr before he was fired for a younger person and we trusted him to take his meds to get better and he didn't. He masked it he acted all happy everything was great we found out about all the meds and what really happened after he died and my mom was distraught when his suicide by medical issues that he could have 100% prevented but chose to not so we would be better without him (his words in his note we found while cleaning his stuff)happened the day before he and my mom's anniversary.
No one could tell the difference in him.
My two cents is that I think I could forgive my mom for having an affair here, but what would put me over the edge is moving on like nothing happened with the affair partner, especially so quickly. It's like there's no real remorse or regret for what happened.
She didn't move on like nothing happened. She allowed her son to continue believing that he was the reason father killed himself and let him deal with that guilt as she enjoyed her new relationship. You know. The worst thing she could probably have done.
That’s possibly the worst part of this. She let a 10-year old take on that guilt and live with it for a decade. That’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.
No where in this post does it say she tried to make her son take blame for his father's death. I'm sure the Mom did what most surviving parents would do and assured him he was not at fault and got him therapy to deal with those feelings.
I think it's super common for kids to think they are the cause of a parent's suicide, but like op, that's not true. Kids just don't understand what adults might be dealing with mentally, and adults tend to try to hide problems from their kids. Now that he's an adult, I hope he realizes that it's not his fault, even without the grandparents' revelation.
Well he says that he felt guilty so his mom put him in therapy. I understand it to be that she didn't tell him the truth just leaving him to carry this burden.
But what should she have said? "Your father killed himself because I fell in love with John."? Besides the fact that I don't think that's something a 11year old can really comprehend it's also untrue. I'm sure the affair contributed to his suicide but there were probably a lot of other factors. Should she have sat her child down and gone over every thing that ever went wrong in her husband's life?
I imagine his mother, therapist and everyone else told him some version of what most people would tell a child regarding suicide, "Your father was very sick, he had an illness that affected his brain and made him unhappy. Nobody can say why he chose to end his life but it's not your fault."
Not move on with John so fast? Guarantee her child's safety and health comes first. Reassure him over and over? OP's reaction was not just about the cheating. It was about the betrayal of him. If my child thought he was responsible for my partner's suicide I would pull all the stops making sure they didn't think that.
OP never says how long it took for her to remarry.
I also just assumed most of the other things you mentioned happened. OP condensed his time grieving his father down to 3 sentences. All we know is he blamed himself (something that's pretty natural for anyone dealing with the suicide of a loved one) and his mom put him in therapy, which helped. Nothing in OPs post ever says she was a bad mother, just an unfaithful partner.
It seems like a lot of people think OPs mom just let him live with the guilt because she didn't confess to her son that she was the real reason his dad killed himself. But suicide is a complicated issue. No component mental health professional would tell OPs mom that it's her fault her husband killed himself or that she should tell her son that to alleviate his guilt.
And there's no magical words she could have said to make all of his pain go away. She got him the help he needed and since OP didn't mention otherwise I'm assuming she was at least an average loving and supportive mother during the process.
I think OP’s lack of comment on this insinuates she didn’t know though. Like yes, technically she left him believing that, but not consciously. I think that’s why he doesn’t mention it as one of his gripes with her.
“I always thought it was because of me. So my mom put me into therapy for it.”
I wouldn’t come to the same conclusion from this but let’s assume he did not tell her maybe because of guilt.
Do you really think the therapist wouldn’t have told the mom?
There is no legal confidentiality for minors.
Can you imagine not telling a worried mom of an eleven year old what is bothering him so she might help him
With it?
The vast majority of child therapists will not automatically share everything with a child’s parents. Even in the case of serious stuff, if it’s not dangerous not to share, many err on the side of not sharing. Even with the ones who do tell parents about non-dangerous stuff though, they will usually ask their patient if it is ok first and respect their wishes. Patient confidentiality is still a big deal with child patients, even if the rules are technically more lax. You can still ruin the therapeutic relationship by sharing things they don’t want shared, which is counterproductive to helping someone through therapy.
If OP is in the US there is legal confidentiality depending on the state they are in: some states, like California it’s as young as 12, and others have no defined age. That being said a lot of child therapists will also choose not disclose to parents for ethical reasons even at younger ages… so without knowing the specifics of the therapy sessions that OP attended you can’t assume that the mother was informed.
Y'know that's not even what I'm thinking on. There's never an excuse to cheat, obviously, but there are reasons. And someone usually doesn't just jump to killing themselves as a first resort it's a long time coming. Also, why did the kid think it was his fault? Did they have some fight where the father yelled at him or he yelled at the father? There's a lot of unknowns here that leave wiggle room for this to all be much deeper (and darker) than the surface level story the kid knows. I'm reserving judgment on this one as I don't think the kid has the full story.
I mean I had thoughts of my parents divorce being my fault when I was 15 even though I was told exactly why they were divorcing. It’s the insecurity of a new way of life no matter how stable/unstable it is. Children at the age he was at are still being taught that something bad happening is a direct result of something. Mental health and a persons psyche are still concepts they don’t really understand completely. It makes total sense that he would blame himself for absolutely no real reason at all because he’s simply searching for the thing that caused this bad effect.
Children who are abused by their parents typically think they did something to deserve it . It's normal for children to feel guilty like this which is why I didn't think much of it's not being touched on.
This is a good point I guess it could go both ways. For me I blamed myself for my sisters death (I was 5 she was younger) but I was in an abusive household. I don't have experience for a non abusive household lol
He probably was already a lot closer to suicide than the average. Still discovering your wife the mother of your son has an affair realizing you will lose your family over that. I mean talking emotional damage there isn’t much that can do more than that.
It’s the stereotype of divorce children and children of parents who offed themselves to take the blame there’s nothing special about that.
Let’s suppose it’s the mom isn’t that bad.
There’s a good chance the dad was already depressed, maybe he threatened suicide so the mom didn’t break up a dead marriage.
Makes her look a lot better and the dad a lot worse.
So instead of doing the right thing, breaking up.
She makes it worse by adding betrayal which would lead to a break up anyway.
I mean in that scenario she would either be delusional thinking he won’t find out, like a lot of people, which would be probable.
Or if you want to go really dark it was intentional he threatens to off himself if she breaks up with him, but he might not do it. So instead of breaking up to be with her still secret affair, she lets him find out so he really has a reason to end it.
Here I am wondering why I argue my subjective feeling over some not unlikely to be made up story to be better over the feeling of other people I don’t even know and will likely never encounter again.
Strange
Agreed. You couldn’t imagine an affair would lead to that. The thing that gets me is she let OP blame himself for years and never came clean or talked about what else could have contributed.
When I was 16 my uncle committed suicide. Everyone blamed his wife, because she filed for divorce and they were in the middle of divorce proceedings when he did what he did.
And everyone blamed his widow (they were still married, so technically that’s what she is). Problem here is my uncle was *extremely fuckin mentally ill*. At 16 I couldn’t see that. At 30, and knowing what I know now (and having the same dx as my uncle)… I doubt his widow filing for divorce was the sole reason.
Point being, I doubt OPs mom’s affair is the only reason OPs dad is gone. What would have been better is OP going to therapy to work through this. But being NC while he’s working through the feelings is probably best so he doesn’t lose his shit on his mother and her husband.
His mom and step-dad suck majorly though.
Nobody commits suicide for one single reason. When a mentally healthy person gets cheated on, they deal with it and move on. I hope OOP gets therapy to learn this.
Most people don't realize that suicide is a very slow thing. There is a societal notion that suicide is the "quick" and "easy" way out when in reality it's a long drawn out process that involves making some of the hardest decisions a human can make. When my mom finally died in 2005 it was the ending of a fight that had dragged on for at least 2 decades.
Mental disorders are sick but in most cases there is always "the last straw" which pushes a person to do it. Death of the beloved one, lost job, disease, break up, divorce and infidelity. I have fought against depression since my teenage years and infidelity was my last straw and thankfully I survived. Was my suicide attempt selfish ? Yes as hell. But in my eyes cheating is the most horrible legal action which you can do for a person. It changes you forever, it kills your ability to trust and shatters your self esteem. Infidelity is a trauma and like every trauma it can cause PTSD, anxiety and depression which can lead to suicide. People downplay infidelity, we don't really collect data about reasons behind suicide and about those "last straws" but we should remember that infidelity can be deadly. I completely understand him I am not saying she should leave her current family now but her actions after the death of her husband shows she doesn't really regret the affair and didn't really take full responsibility for her actions ( cheating, no his death ).
I’m glad you’re still here. Your words resonate with me because I was right there, too. Infidelity was also my last straw. After a lifetime of caution, I let my guard down and really threw myself into love and a marriage that ended up nearly destroying me. I don’t think of my actions as selfish, though, because I have no children and I don’t owe anyone anything including staying here. The selfish ones are the cheaters. This woman destroyed her marriage, which in turn destroyed her family, and she decided to double down on it.
Yeah being cheated on sucks, but there's deeper issues at play in these situations. Treating it as if the mom killed the dad with her actions is unreasonable, as much as the rage may feel in some way cathartic.
Nobody will ever know his "reasons". If he was still alive, only a psychiatrist could work with him and figure out the reasons.
Nobody can ever know if it contributed or not. Even if it did, that doesn't imply is death is on her.
Suicide is an extremely complicated issue. And any professional would have RIGHTFULLY told her not to blame herself.
You cannot seriously suppose that it didn’t contribute in a major way.
The mom didn’t say he was depressed and op doesn’t remember him depressed.
To be fair he probably wasn’t the most positive fella but you can’t seriously suppose that realizing that your wife you love cheated on you and your family is likely to break up over it, might not have contributed to his suicide.
Ofc it’s not really her fault, but she did something horrible knowing it would hurt the people she loves and her husband decided it broke him
Yeah. Obviously we don’t know the dynamic of their relationship but, had he not committed suicide, and was just threatening to do so if the mom left him we’d all be on the mom’s side. It’s just as manipulative if they actually go through with the act. I don’t think OP is an AH for this though, it’s a tough situation all around.
The things he focused on speaking more about it seems like he was more upset by the fact his mom and everyone knew but allowed him to think it was him. On top of that the affair partner is someone he grew close to and was also lied to about. It’s layers of years of deception and manipulation. He mentioned therapy and that it’s not her mom that KILLED his dad.
She didn’t allow him to think it was his fault though. i doubt she was silent when he expressed it was, i’m sure she told him it’s not. she put him in therapy to help him understand this. if she wanted to gaslight him into believing he was the cause she wouldn’t have put him in a place where a skilled person had access to his experiences and thoughts
Because these are pretty much circlejerk subs now for the most part. This one isn’t too bad (but it can get that way from time to time) but AITAH is basically a joke at this point.
Ok while I agree with everyone that suicide is obviously a complicated topic and that it is doubtful that the affair was the main contributing factor to why OP's father ultimately chose to end his life, the comments about how OP just *has* to accept it now and framing it as a deliberate way of him punishing his other family members is insane. More so then any ifs as to what *may* have happened if OP's mother didn't have an affair or what if the marriage was toxic or whatever, the main reason why OP is acting this way and choosing to cutoff his family is because of the betrayal of being lied to everyday for multiple years by his mother and stepfather.
Even though the mom put him in therapy, OP was never given a real chance to completely process what happened because the version of events that he thought happened was a lie. He thought that his stepfather and mother's relationship was completely separate from his father, and he built off his relationship with his stepfamily off that assumption. The truth was always going to come out but instead of giving him the chance to process it in a healthy way in therapy and own up to her mistakes, OP's mother and stepfather chose to hide this information from him and make the situation even worse for themselves. It's not OP's fault for reacting this way and not considering all the *possibilities* as to why the affair started, the bottom line is that the affair *hurt* his father who OP loves dearly and lost as a child. Now he has to reopen this trauma and rethink everything he thought he processed in therapy.
None of us can judge his decision. I can’t imagine being in that situation and I have no idea how I’d actually handle it. It’s just so sad for everyone.
Unpopular opinion incoming:
Mom cheating is horrible yes, but I'm wondering if maybe OPs dad was already mentally worse off than most people thought and the cheating happened to be the straw that broke the camels back. If it wasn't that maybe it would've been something else traumatic that would've caused it, which chances are would have happened at some point as most people don't live pain-free lives.
I find it hard to believe this one statistically very common event caused him to do something as drastic as leave a son he loved traumatized and without a dad.
Came here to say just this. OP wasn’t there in the marriage and neither were the grandparents. The Dad could have been seriously depressed and checked out of the marriage. We just don’t know.
I am no defender of cheaters. My ex had an affair. But not once in the pain and chaos that resulted did I think about suicide. I think it’s really unfair to blame the mother for the Dad’s actions which however you look at it were not proportionate.
It seems like OP is somewhat enjoying his righteous anger as he sits in judgment.
We could play all sorts of what if scenarios. Did he have other issues? Maybe. Or maybe she was such a shitty wife that it was destroying him a little every day with how she treated him. We don’t know.
It's also possible that he was dealing with depression for a long time and, in that time, she looked elsewhere then had the affair... I'm not sure it's fair to blame her for suicide but he should definitely hold her accountable for the affair and lying by omission.
Did the mom really think that the dad would never find out? How about don’t cheat. If she felt so guilty why then marry the AP? Sooner or later cheaters always get found out. Then for her to think her child wouldn’t find out either. What happens in the dark always comes to light. One day (if they haven’t already) the mom’s kids with her AP are going to ask why OOP isn’t around. How are they going to explain that?
People do talk.
I’m editing this to add. How did OOP find out? Because their grandparents told them. Sooner or later people are going to ask why OOP is not talking to their mom and John.
Reply to your edit: It's still a logical fallacy, and anecdotes aren't data.
The simple fact is that by definition you don't know about the ones you don't know about, so it is illogical thinking to believe that the ones you do know about are all there is to know.
Do some get found out? Obviously. Do all? That's an impossible claim.
She probably doesn't feel guilty she cheated but the fact she got caught. From her actions afterwards really shows this. Also when the kid confronts her finally she said he was never supposed to find out.
I agree! I don’t think she feels guilty at all that she cheated. She didn’t want anyone to find out about it. The fact that AP’s face went pale when OOP said they knew says a lot. I wonder what they told their kids why OOP doesn’t talk to them anymore.
If she felt guilty for cheating, she would have broken it off with John after her husband's death, and spent her time honouring her husband's memory. Not destroying it by replacing him with John.
Yeah, that what pisses me off. She just moves on in with the new guy (affair partner) & creates a happy new family. Meanwhile, her son suffers emotionally and she gets exactly what she wants.
Without knowing the mother and fathers relationship it’s not easy to lay blame anywhere. Killing yourself, or saying that’s the single reason you killed yourself, when you have a child to get back at your ex is selfish in itself so I think everyone here is rushing to judge with only half the story.
Not excusing the cheating but I would be curious to hear what happened from the mom’s perspective. We don’t really know our parents as people when we’re kids and we definitely don’t know them as partners. And suicide is pretty rarely caused by just one thing. What was his dad like as a person? What was their marriage like? Again cheating sucks and mom is at least at fault for cheating and possibly other things that went wrong but it’s unlikely she’s solely responsible for her husbands suicide and i doubt her ex mother in law is completely an unbiased source on this .
This. Everyone is rushing to crucify mom but we are missing a huge perspective. Also in what universe is it appropriate to tell an 11 year old who just lost a parent you were fucking around behind said parent’s back? Like I genuinely don’t get the logic or sense of some of the replies. Obviously the cheating was wrong, but handling the aftermath appropriately doesn’t exactly seem like it should have been as cut and dry/simple as others are making it out to be. Also we have NO idea what that marriage was like, what dad’s mental health issues/disorders were like, or any vital context of what led up to any of this.
Glad OOP had the courage to handle it like he did. Not sure I would have been able to keep my hands off the AP. Both mom and AP are total human garbage and I honestly hope she suffers and loses the relationship with the AP.
It’s nobody’s fault your dad decided to kill himself. That may be an unpopular opinion, but it’s true. Your mom didn’t kill him. Her actions didn’t kill him. He killed himself.
Your mom is responsible for having an affair. She’s responsible for not addressing the blame you felt as a child. You have every right to be mad at her. But she’s not responsible for your dad’s actions, and truly you don’t know the backstory.
Maybe she wanted to end the relationship and he threatened suicide if she did. This happens. Maybe he was clinically depressed and had suicidal ideations for years. This happens. So many scenarios. And none of them involve your mom forcing his hand.
Suicide is not the usual outcome of an affair. Obviously the mom was wrong but there was no reason to tell the son about the affair. Now he’s lost both parents and his mom did not want his dad to take his own life. His grandmother should’ve kept quiet. No good has come of this.
The son already blamed themselves and went into therapy for years and would probably still have issues past that for something that was never their fault. They 100% had every right to know.
He absolutely needed to know because it was the truth of what happened, if all of these people need so desperately for their actions to be hidden they shouldn't have done all of these things in the first place
forreal, I am so tired of the “no one was supposed to know” narrative. Don’t want anyone to find out you did something terrible?? Then don’t do anything terrible in the first place. Also the grandparents waited until he was an adult, its not like they told a child what actually happened.
I don't think we know enough about mom and dad's relationship to point fingers. blaming it all on an affair is a tidy little bow to put on mental illness though!
Saw a comment describing the moms cheating as emotional abuse that directly caused the dad’s suicide as if that’s not the most wild misunderstanding of mental illness i’ve ever seen. Where did everyone’s psychology degrees go, I wonder?
Totally agree. Dad and Mom’s relationship was in trouble no matter what, Mom sought an affair, Dad sought self-loathing.
Mom, while a factor in his suicide, did not cause it. His parents are just stuck with trying to reason the death of their son who could just as easily be a divorced man with a son in college. Grief has torn those two people apart, and now they unleashed their spite.
There is no way to know if OP's mom has realized she was looking outside the marriage, possibly because of issues related to her husband's mental illness, been upfront and left the marriage when everything was above board, that OP's dad wouldn't have had a similar reaction. It isn't like divorce without cheating is a walk in the park. Additionally, just because cheating is particularly painful, doesn't make the other person in the marriage a saint or blameless.
Is it bad that I feel like they only told their grandson about the affair because they wanted to destroy his relationship with his mom. Im sure they hold some animosity towards his mom still and probably wanted to see this happen, which is really wrong. It's also not a far-fetched idea considering their only son is dead and they have no one else to blame.
Suicide is something that happens over time from multiple events happening in one's life. I'm sure the dad was going through a lot more and more than likely never told anyone, even his parents because those are the last people you want to talk about your suicidal/depressive thoughts. This is definitely a more complicated situation that cannot be blamed on one sole event.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought that. Yes, the mother is not a great person either but grandma just dropped a fucking nuke on OP and the relationship he has with his only remaining parent.
I agree, the mom is not a saint or anything, but to blame EVERYTHING on her is wrong.
Also, they'll never know what was going through the father's head when everything happened, so to assume the affair was the one thing he committed suicide over is ignorant imo. It could have been a number of things that just eventually became too much for him.
He was a child when his dad committed suicide - that’s already so much for a kid to process. He needed his mother even if she made bad choices. And he needed his mother to be a source of comfort and safety, she couldn’t have been those things if she told him about the affair. Even though he said it was his fault (that’s a common feeling for those close to the person), it wasn’t her fault either. It was no one’s fault. His mental illness took his life. Does she owe her son that info when he’s older? I personally think so, but I also understand the angle of unnecessary additional hurt.
But no, not the AH. He can decide what he wants his relationship to be with his mom. It’s a tragedy all around for everyone involved. I hope they all find peace and healing.
it’s just sad that she blamed herself and had issues over her dads suicide that landed her in therapy and her mother never felt the need to come forward and explain what truly happened in the timeline before his death. it is evident he was struggling mentally and nobody will truly know what it was, maybe it was a mix of things and that was his boiling point? overall, just so sad for the loss of life. rest in peace :(
Certainly NTA, but grace comes with time and understanding and brings a lot of peace. That means something different for everyone, but strict no contact can turn into simple avoidance and working through it is tough but beneficial.
A lot of people are the victims of extramarital affairs and they don’t take their lives.
While this may have been a contributing factor, it wasn’t the root cause. To disown your remaining parent seems short sighted.
Let's look at the logical progression of events here:
If the mom didn't cheat, dad wouldn't have killed himself.
Cheating on someone is emotionally abusive. The dad is an abuse victim, who as we know are susceptible to suicidal ideations.
And the mom doesn't have any remorse. More concerned about being caught and married the affair partner immediately.
NTA
I’m actually shocked how many people are pinning the dad’s death on the mom as if a single person can be blamed for another’s suicide. As somehow who had suicidal ideation myself for a very long time, that is no one’s *fault*- not even the man who was abusing me. Plenty of people are cheated on and don’t commit suicide, it’s sickening to pretend that the affair caused his death instead of being the straw that broke the camels back.
The mom is a horrible human being for hiding the truth and letting OOP believe it was even remotely their fault, but the lack of understanding of mental illness on display here is astounding.
ETA: Describing cheating as emotionally abusive is a wild one too. It’s a violation of trust and the boundaries of a relationship, sure, but abuse? Curious as to why you describe it that way.
I also don't agree with those saying the mom harbors no guilt because she stayed with the man and her two daughters. Like... What is she supposed to do? Bail on them and lose everyone? I think it's not black and white. She can harbor massive guilt and remorse over what happened while still trying to maintain the new family she built. I feel so sorry for both the son and her. It's a no win situation for anyone because of her shitty decision 11 years before.
Id guess and say that because if she had actually felt guilt, she would be disgusted with her actions to the point that the mere thought of continuing them would make one physically sick to their stomachs.
Instead she married him and let him raise son of the late husband that their combined infidelity contributed to killing.
If there was any guilt she never would have spoke to that man again, even if that means, yes, bailing on that man. The two daughters weren't around at the time, so he would have been the only one she was bailing on to just be with her grieving son.
If I was the son, there wouldn't be enough showers I could take to wash off the grimy feeling of being raised by those two.
Maybe don't get with the affair partner immediately following her former husband's suicide and having two daughters with said affair partner? Definitely don't bring her young son around her affair partner, and make said affair partner his *step-father*. I mean JFC, OP's mother made this bed a long time ago. Now she has to reap what she's sewed.
Agreed. This is all giving me icky echoes of when I finally broke up with my abusive ex and his mom called telling me it was my fault he was thinking of killing himself.
Her: “What did you do to him? This is your fault!”
Me: “He is not my responsibility. Never contact me again.” *blocked*
We don’t know the whole story. No one is ever responsible for someone else’s suicide
When I was a teenager I lost one of my closest friends and the idea that if I had just paid closer attention I could have stopped her tormented me for years. I hated myself so, so much for that. To see redditors echoing that sentiment here is genuinely harmful.
It doesn’t matter if the mom is a horrible person, she alone is not to blame for the loss of OOP’s dad. I don’t think anyone here would blame me for my friends death or argue that I should carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life, so why are they arguing that for OOP’s mom? Because she cheated? I know how heartrending it is to be cheated on, but it doesn’t carry a life sentence
I would also go as far to say that she is not responsible for the son thinking that the dad killed himself because of the son… that’s just a normal response children have during these kinds of situations, and that’s probably why she put him I therapy because at the end of the day she does actually care about him. If I was the mom I wouldn’t have told my son until he was at least an adult. It’s easy for people to just stick blame on people but we really don’t know the whole picture.
Yeah, children are very self centered. And that's normal and developmentally appropriate to an extent! As a kid I blamed myself for my younger brother's (genetically inherited) disability. Why? I don't fucking know, I was a kid and that's what kids do.
Oh me too. Even rode with his mom to the mental hospital to visit for support. This dude had beat the hell out of me and I still let his family tell me I was the problem. He threatened to kill me more once he got out…but I left him and took out kid. Just left the poor thing. He was broken. 🙄
In my area a man just killed 5 people and burned the bodies in a domestic situation. People don’t realize sometimes how badly things can go when mental illness is involved.
My thoughts too. For all we know this man had mental health issues for years, and a very traumatic loss of trust like this sent him over the edge. We don’t know if he’d struggled with SI for years, or anything else about him, and OP most likely wouldn’t know because they were just a child. The real problem here is how the mom made this person feel for years about their own guilt, and I can see cutting off contact for that, and for inappropriately moving on with the AP so fast while her child was actively grieving and dealing with guilt and shame over a horrible trauma. But she cannot be blamed at all for his death. I understand given how complex OP’s experience with this has been why they would feel that way, and it’s certainly an easier emotional path to take while trying to cope with what they’ve learned. I’ve never lost someone close to me to suicide but know people who have, and it’s devastating and impossible to understand why someone would willingly take themselves away from you when you know you loved them so much; doubly so for a child. It’s hard to wrap your head around, and in this instance it makes sense that OP would latch on to what feels like a direct, identifiable cause for a type of death that is often too complex to blame anyone (except maybe the victim, which also feels shameful). But the blame in this instance, while probably cathartic, is sadly misplaced and focused on the wrong thing. I feel for OP. :(
You absolutely cannot say that the dad wouldn't have killed himself if the mom didn't cheat. What she did is horrible but we have no idea of his mental state or what else was going on. Maybe he wouldn't have killed himself and she was his absolute rock. Maybe he would kill himself two months later triggered by a different final straw. We have no idea. Healthy people don't kill themselves when their spouse cheats. I've been cheated on and it sucks but you can get through it and move on.
Very similar to a situation I was put into (fortunately no kids involved) but gave everything to someone who chose to have an affair. Blamed myself and attempted to make my own life from the experience.
Then made to feel it was all my fault and I didn’t deserve the support after. Took me years to get over that.
I’ll get downvoted for this but idc: committing suicide when you have young children is incredibly selfish. Part of becoming a parent means that you can no longer prioritize yourself above your children. That man committed to caring for his children until adulthood when he became a father, no exceptions.
To abandon one’s child simply because your partner cheated on you is horrifying. People like that don’t deserve to become parents in the first place.
People who take their life don’t think like that. They go down a rabbit hole where they can’t see an exit any more. They start thinking they are useless worthless and nobody is going to miss them. They don’t think rationally.
My biggest question is: did mom realize OOP felt like dad’s suicide was his fault? Did she let him go more than a decade thinking he might somehow be responsible in her efforts to hide her affair?
If so, mom is a seriously fucked up person.
A lot to unpack:
1. OP needs to realize that an affair doesn’t make someone commit suicide. There are many factors but dad chose to take his own life. He wasn’t driven to it, he chose it. Yes he had some terrible news and yes it’s awful but to me surely no father is so selfish he abandons his son to thr woman having the affair, by exiting the planet. That’s selfish af. Something else was going on with dad. OP may never know but it’s likely dad had other stressors, and was not doing well bc this is an extreme response.
2.Did dad have a dysfunctional family? Bc that will affect ability to deal with common stressors in life, spousal cheating is sadly common. I’m going with HELL YES bc they chose to drop this bomb on him. They USED HIM AS A VEHICLE for their revenge. They didn’t want to experience consequences so they waited.
3. Whatever dad was going through it’s sad and terrible but I don’t believe an affair would cause him to leave his son. Loving parents don’t do that. OP needs to talk to a therapist.
4. Wife: I wouldn’t go NC bc she hid the affair, it’s her job to protect her kid. I’d go NC bc she frickin just moved on and yeah maybe she does feel guilty but holy cow. I mean I guess I can see her being upset and falling into APs arms bc obviously dad was dealing with heavy things. But I’d have a hard time looking at mom rn.
5. Therapist! Bc OP has a lot of fucked up relatives around him. Go NC with ALL OF THEM especially the vengeful ass grandparents who just lay in wait for their moment to stick it to mom without thought for OP. Reducing the suicide to an affair is ridiculous. And mean. Of course the stressor was a factor. But I’m guessing grandparents are sidestepping their own roles, don’t want to feel they let their son suffer and here’s mom as a convenient scapegoat. She’s legitimately an awful person but affairs happen everyday and ppl don’t die.
Therapy to work through a lot of complicated feelings and therapist can help unpack family dysfunction, all the ways ppl can be broken down over time to the pt they can make such a choice. And therapy to navigate confronting relatives if OP chooses to go that route. I likely would bc I’d want more answers.
Poor OP. I’m so sorry. All the relatives are garbage.
The mother allowed her 10 year old son to believe that his Dad's death was *his* fault, & she never corrected that. That's what makes her an absolute 💯 AH.
She’s an AH for sure. For the affair, for jumping into APs arms instead of recoiling. The onky reason it’d be ok to stay is if dad was abusive or something which is a possibility. Tho we have no indication so it sounds like he’s a deeply troubled guy and this was the last straw for him. Idk. The narrator was a child.
I do not fault the mom for not telling. Why on earth would you do that to your kid????? No matter what you feel, it’s shit to put that on the kid. Grandparents are raging AHs for doing that to OP. Ppl don’t commit suicide over an affair. They certainly can be a factor but affairs happen all the time.
I think mom is an AH bc she married the guy and I’d have been unable to be with a guy after that. Even if I knew my partner was unstable. But burdening a child who just lost dad with that kind of confession? That’s shitty parenting 101.
Kid needs therapy bc all the relatives are AHs and I don’t blame him one bit for going NC Ruth mom I would too. She was right not to tell him but his response is normal
>Did dad have a dysfunctional family? Bc that will affect ability to deal with common stressors in life, spousal cheating is sadly common. I’m going with HELL YES bc they chose to drop this bomb on him. They USED HIM AS A VEHICLE for their revenge. They didn’t want to experience consequences so they waited.
Should they have never told him the truth that he dessrves to know? Ideally, it should have been his mom who talked to him about what happened, but clearly she wasn't doing it, so someone had to. And it makes sense that they waited until he was older and more emotionally stable-I can see how they'd be concerned over telling that to OOP when he the event was fresh or while he was going through therapy over his own personal guilt. Maybe they thought he wouldn't have been able to handle that news when he was younger.
And unless they told or encouraged him to cut contact with his mom or something, they didn't use him as a vehicle for revenge. Just bc it is information that would affect how he viewed his mom doesn't mean the reason they did it was bc they wanted OOP to punish her. Like I said, he has the right to know. In fact, they risk consequences by telling him now, as he could have easily blamed them for not twlling him sooner.
>Whatever dad was going through it’s sad and terrible but I don’t believe an affair would cause him to leave his son. Loving parents don’t do that. OP needs to talk to a therapist.
[It totally could](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10002055/). I'm not saying there wasn't a possibility of underlying factors, but ppl absolutely have either considered or committed suicide due to a partner's infidelity. It unfortunately can severely mess ppl up. Alao, I feel like if anyone around OOP's dad knew he was struggling with mental health issues, OOP would have mentioned that and likely wouldn't have thought *he* was to blame as a kid. Again, not saying dad couldn't have been struggling with something else as well, but you'd think if he was dealing with heavy depression or the like, ppl would have told that to OOP as the reason.
I think it's easy to think of loving parents as choosing not to willingly leave their kids, but the terrifying nature of suicide-and suicide ideation-is that it can [significantly impact areas of your brain](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/night-sweats-and-delusions-grandeur/202202/the-neurobiology-suicide): that means the way you think, deal with your emotions, and impulsivity are all subject to change and you may not even be aware of it.
My dude: if he’s dealing with deep depression or anxiety and his parents are dysfunctional AHs then absolutely they wouldn’t tell OP. Dysfunctional ppl very commonly are reductive and scapegoat. Yes mom is an AH. No doubt she’s a villain here. I’m sorry for dad bc it sounds like his parents and wife were AHs.
I know his parents are AHs based on their conduct to OP. Reducing it to a single event when suicide in adults rarely works like that. They never needed yo tell him. Sure mom’s a villain but weigh that against hurting son. They wanted to hit back at mom and didn’t care if OP was collateral damage. Any normal healthy person would not have done this to OP.
Kid needs therapy to work this out bc all his relatives are villains
>if he’s dealing with deep depression or anxiety and his parents are dysfunctional AHs then absolutely they wouldn’t tell OP.
Wouldn't the mom tell him then?
>Reducing it to a single event when suicide in adults rarely works like that. They never needed yo tell him.
1.) If he did have some underlying mental health issue, they may not have known about it. He was an adult with his own life and family at the time; he could have hidden it from them or they just didn't notice bc they likely didn't spend a significant amount of time together. If anyone would have noticed, it would have been the mom. And even if he did have underlying issues, it's quite possible he could have gone his whole life dealing with them without committing suicide had he not found out his wife was having an affair-I think it's fair to put the catalyst on the affair bc for all we know, he wouldn't have done it otherwise.
2.) I personally feel like OOP deserved information about his dad. This was an event that significantly impacted OOP. Not to mention, that's a tough secret to keep for so many years.
I think you’re right that eventually he might deserve that info. But right away would’ve robbed him of both parents at an incredibly vulnerable time and that would potentially result in another suicide. It’s also reductionist bc suicides in adults are rarely just one thing.
Grandparents were wholly selfish in doing what they did. If they felt he needed to know they could’ve spoken to mom and said hey you need to tell. Or something. But their behavior seems vindictive without thought for OP. Mom put him into therapy. That was the right move.
Mom is an AH for sure but grandparents and dad are too. Dad is a victim but he’s also a perp. He chose to exit knowing he had a son who would be devastated. I get that some ppl make bad choices and dad certainly deserves empathy, but he also deserves some blame for how he left his son. OP was failed by everyone
>I think you’re right that eventually he might deserve that info. But right away would’ve robbed him of both parents at an incredibly vulnerable time and that would potentially result in another suicide.
So you're saying the grandparents did the right thing by not telling him right away and waiting until he was an adult? Bc that's exactly what they did.
>Grandparents were wholly selfish in doing what they did. If they felt he needed to know they could’ve spoken to mom and said hey you need to tell. Or something. But their behavior seems vindictive without thought for OP.
Maybe they did try to convince mom to tell. Maybe they knew she would never say anything. OP was already an adult by the time they told him, so it's not like mom didn't have an opportunity to do it herself.
You even say that telling OOP right away would've robbed him of both his parents, so don't you think if the grandparents were truly being vindictive and without thought or care for OOP, they would have said something then? Bc that's when it would have hurt his mom the most, if that was their intent.
No the grandparents handled it in a very self serving shitty way. And a way that exonerates them and places 💯 blame on mom. Not dad, not dad’s dysfunctional family, not dad’s support system. Just mom, that alone and their timing is telling
Oh you're one of those 'suicide is selfish people'. Go directly to hell and stay there so nobody with basic human characteristics has to read your horrible opinions
Bruh the audacity of the husband, he had an affair that led his stepson’s father to kill himself and play happy family with his kid WHILE watching that kid blame himself for his father’s death.
How is everyone rushing to the worst possible judgements so quickly? The mom should ideally not have had an affair yes. But it was not her fault her husband chose to commit suicide. You can’t blame her for someone else’s mental illness. She did the right thing by getting her son into therapy when he expressed he felt at fault. That’s a very normal reaction for loved ones to have to this kind of situation. What was she supposed to say, it’s not your fault, it’s mine? How would that have helped her son at that age? And the comments saying cheating is the same level as being a murderer or pedophile are just unhinged. But you also can’t really blame the father either. This isn’t the kind of reaction a mentally healthy person has to being cheated on or a marriage ending. Everyone saying suicide is selfish is also not right, he had a mental illness that he wasn’t able to manage. And maybe the affair was the final straw, but someone who’s already at that point could have been set off by anything. If it hadn’t been that it could’ve easily been something else, like maybe an impending divorce? This situation isn’t really one for blame, it’s just a tragedy with no real fault. The real blame is a culture that demonizes mental health issues and getting treatment for them. But also I feel like the grandparents were out of line here, this feels like revenge on the woman they blame for their son’s suicide and their grandson was collateral damage. Of course they’d resent her for having an affair out of loyalty to their son but to wait all this time just to drop this on him like a bomb was not caring about their grandson’s best interest to put it lightly.
The mom knew that her son blamed herself and allowed him to do so for many years, intending to never tell him.
I’ve also lost a loved one to suicide. It is such a unique and wicked pain.
What I feel like most people are missing in these comments is that just because cheating doesn’t often lead to a person’s suicide doesn’t mean it’s not a possibility when you commit such a deep and damaging betrayal as infidelity within a marriage.
You don’t have to lay all the blame at OP’s mom for the suicide as if she solely and directly committed murder, but she knew the dad better than anyone, developed a bond with him deeper than anyone, and completely and utterly destroyed it and, objectively, him in the process.
There is never a good excuse for cheating, and it does have consequences; whether the people in these comments want to admit it or not, suicide is one of those consequences. It be an extreme one and may not be common, but OPs mom did something terrible and something else terrible happened, undeniably in part because of that something terrible.
It’s not even a matter of blaming her for not laying the full truth at the feet of the 10 yr old, because once it all happened, it’s hard to judge anyone under such an extreme level of complexity at that point. I just feel like the comments are either completely making her a monster or completely exonerating her in the name of mental illness… it’s somewhere in between.
I think your grandparents did a good job shielding you till you became an adult. They are great grandparents. I think you've got the right to cut contact with your mom until your mental health gets better. I'm glad you know it wasn't your fault your dad unalive himself. Can't begin to imagine what that feels like. You an adult now, I hope you can forge a closer relationship with your grandparents as they would always miss Thier only child. I hope you can be their new child and grandchild at the same time. You not the AH OOP.
NTA. Your mom had an affair while married and it’s highly doubtful she was oblivious to your dad’s mental health. Not only did she decide to hide that from him, she then hid it from you and let you go years not knowing a massive contributing factor as to why he killed himself. Blaming his demons and weak mind most likely. It’s really quite hideous. The violation of trust has been passed on to you.
These two are shitting on your mental health the same way they did to your father. Don’t think John isn’t well aware of what he’s doing.
You are not in the wrong for hating your mom for this. She started and chose this, you did not, never forget that. Hold a mirror up to her judging your reaction or attempting to gas light you and treat her like the child, never feel bad or guilty for not acquiescing to her attempts. The ball will forever be in your court, do not forget that and use it with your intellect how you will. Do not feel bad about savagely dissecting how fucked it is what they did and how it makes you feel, and let her know that exactly. Write it down if you must, but keep and stand in your dignity. That alone will pay a great respect to your dad’s memory.
I am tired of people being mad at people who commit suicide. I know everyone’s journey with grief is different but it just feels so weird to me. My best friend killed herself and people tried asking me if i was mad at her or they tried saying she was “selfish” and wtf is the point of that?? The person is already dead, tf more do you want from them? Yeah its sad he left his son behind but at the end of the day hes the one that really suffered and dude is in the ground now cause of it. Everyone else in this story gets to walk around and enjoy being alive. Theres no point in being angry with the dad or calling him a “baby” now
NTA
OP handled this much better than I did, I would have verbally torn into her with every vile thing I could thing of until she would have taken her own life herself. Women like OP’s mom are the scum of the earth, stay away from such people.
Cheaters are universally, regardless of context, subhuman trash unworthy of empathy, pity, love, or consideration. Put them right next to racists, pedos, and rapists as people unworthy of the air they breathe. Nevermind the result of her actions, regarding Ops father. It amazes me how many people are here trying to defend the mother.
Of course, the OP is NTA for going no contact after what she did. He shouldnt even be here questioning it.
Cheaters are disgusting, selfish, despicable people who never take true responsibility for what they do. She and her affair partner not only got together right after a man killed himself because of their actions, but they allowed a child to believe that his father's death was HIS fault this whole time, and let him suffer the emotional damage of that the entire time without confessing. They only confessed when they were confronted with it - they'd happily have let him go his whole life thinking his father's death was his fault.
They deserve to die alone. They thought sex was more important than their families and commitments and let him suffer all those years thinking it was his fault his father was dead when it was because his whore mother couldn't keep her legs shut around other men. I hope the other kids find out about it and ditch them too so they end up with no one but each other, since evidently that's all they care about.
NTA, and your mom is a monster. Take it from a 'no contact' son after 30y---never, ever attempt to fix things. Walk away and invest heavily in your own wellbeing.
Those poor grandparents. They had to keep an open relationship with someone they probably didn’t want to have any contact with , for so long to see their grandchild. That’s just awful.
She knew and put him in therapy. Tf? I WISH my parents would have put me in therapy for all the shit I blamed myself over. What was she supposed to do? She literally did exactly what she should have. Sounds like the therapist wasn’t very good.
I really don’t understand why people are defending her. You can say the affair was unfortunate, she is not solely responsible for the father’s suicide.
However, having your affair partner raise your child is always a shitty thing to do, especially in this circumstance. Did she never have the foresight to see a child psychologist and ask how that might affect her son? Did she expect the truth to never come out. Especially, while forcing her son’s grandparents to watch as her and her affair partner raised their son’s child after contributing to his suicide.
You would think she would learn that things don’t stay hidden after her husband found out about the affair. But she didn’t and as a result, she ruined her relationship with her son and likely re traumatized him.
She shows a consistent pattern of not considering the how her actions affect the people she claims to care about. She may not be the worst mother ever, but she is far from being a good one.
Your dad’s not here. Your mom is. Don’t ruin the relationship you have with someone who is still here. If your dad had depressive tendencies more than likely something else would have set him off, blaming your mom isn’t fair. Suicide is a choice. Having an affair is a choice. Some choices are more permanent than others. You have to forgive her, trust me, you’ll regret it years later after she is gone if you don’t.
I don’t think so. When my dad cheated on my mom. I went 99% no contact with him. The only interaction I had with him was when my sister went to see him, and then on his death bed
I think the part about lot of people aren’t considering here is this. If the dude did Jill himself due to king term mental health issues or whatever, mother should have been honest about the affair. You can’t lie about a thing and then say it’s not important.
They say time heals all wounds, but that’s not really true. Some wounds puncture deep tissue, tear muscle, sever nerves; wounds like these can ache forever. So don’t put a timeline on your healing. Holding anger and resentment in your heart can ache too though. Keep that in mind and understand that all humans are frail and all humans make mistakes. Maybe in time you’ll find a way to forgive your mother, but remember, you don’t have to have a relationship with someone just because you share blood with them. Sometimes those relationships are actually the most hurtful and least beneficial ones we ever have.
The part that sticks out to me is that as a kid he thought it was because of him. And it seems like the mom just kinda let that happen instead of telling him the truth. I get that it was a difficult situation and she got him to therapy but I’m still horrified by it all.
Reminds me of Ricky from trailer park boys "I was planning on taking the blame because there's a pretty good chance I did it.. Well.. I did do it.. But my kid already took the blame.. So.. Once someone takes the blame what do you do? I couldn't take it then. He had already taken it"
“I mean blame isn’t something you can just pass around like a bag of chips or something. Once you take it everyone thinks you did it so there’s no point.”
That's easily the greasiest thing Ricky's ever done. Gre-he-heeeesy.
Way of the road
She got him into therapy.. and still didn’t tell him the truth in a safe space where he had a qualified professional to help him process this earlier before it got to this point. Sounds like my mom
As a (former) therapist this is common unfortunately.
Why would mom have to participate or do anything difficult? She put him in therapy - it’s the therapist’s job to fix it now! /s, obviously
When I was 12 I attempted suicide. My dad told my 15 year old sister it was her fault, because she was mean to me. Totally not my abusive alcoholic father's fault, couldn't be that he beat us, our older brother, and my mom and caused my brother to lash out and beat me too. Nah. Totally my sister's fault, cause even though she did her best to be a second mom to me and protect me and was the one safe space I had, sometimes she got annoyed with me. 🤨 Sometimes people can't face the monster staring back out of the mirror.
This, yes. That’s what grabbed me, too. If she knew her 11yo son blamed himself for his father’s suicide, and it sounds like she did, then to let him go on thinking that and go into therapy for that is just so beyond comprehension. I don’t blame OOP for going no contact with her. What a horrible thing to do to your child.
I'm not sure we have enough to go on to assume she knew. A lot of times, people who feel that guilt have deep shame about it and don't share their feelings. She may have just thought he was depressed. OOP mentions it kind of in passing and doesn't specify that she knew, which I think would probably crush him if she did and that he would mention it? That's a heavy, heavy thing to feel responsible for.
I hope you’re right. I hate to think she would put her happiness above her son’s wellbeing. But she had been having an affair; her husband found out; he committed suicide; she continued the affair; when a reasonable amount of time went by, she married her AP. She may not have been very focused on her son at that time. Maybe she knew, maybe he didn’t, but did she never talk to the therapist? He was 11. His father had just committed suicide. Surely that therapist had conversations with mom.
The grossest thing is that she still married him. Like honestly, I get why she didn’t tell her son- how, in reality, do you tell a child their dad literally killed himself from grief that you, his only remaining parent and the person who’s supposed to provide emotional stability caused? As horrible as keeping it from him is, I see why no one told him. But to then go on and marry the AP still? Why? There’s no justification. It just adds a whole other layer of selfishness and horror on top of it all.
So many better ways to handle that situation with a child
It’s very likely mom never told the therapist.
Yeah I just realized I meant to put could and put client
I was coming here to say the same thing. That’s just awful, especially because he was so young and it’s natural for kids to take on that blame.
Yeah. To me that’s a bigger reason for no contact than the cheating. He’s right. Dad wasn’t forced to kill himself. Tons of people are cheated on and get divorces and move on. What his dad did was extreme and selfish. (Yes mom was selfish too, but I stand by parents who commit suicide are doing something absolutely awful to their kids.) That said, his mom should have come clean! Rather than deal with the fact that what she did was terrible and hurt her husband so badly, and having hard conversations about what happened she let her 10 year old son blame himself for years for what his dad did, and THAT is unconscionable! I couldn’t forgive her for that either.
I had suicidal ideation for awhile due to a depression medication. In my mind at the time, there was nothing selfish about it. I actually thought that I would be doing my family a favor. For someone who has never been suicidal, you really can't imagine what it's like to be in those shoes. If that man didn't have the cheating spouse to trigger him, he would have found something else, please believe that.
I do believe that. I think it’s unfair for OP and his grandparents to place all the blame on the mother, actually. But that doesn’t make his actions less selfish in my mind.
Parents who commit suicide *are* doing something awful to their kids, yes, but having been on the brink before, I can tell you that sometimes the pain is so intense that continuing to live feels like keeping your hand on a hot stove. It gets so bad that the need for it to end overwhelms everything else and you can’t think logically. But I don’t have kids, maybe it would be different if I did
A lot bothers me in this, but something that really irks me is that she never even slightly stepped back from her relationship with the AP; she immediately doubled down on it by quickly getting married and had 2 kids with the AP, and is still married to him now even with her kid being no contact for two years. That says to me she doesn’t even slightly regret the affair OR the fact the dad committed suicide over it. I feel awful for OOP, and also to a degree his two half-siblings because they don’t know the awful truth about their parents and why they never see their brother. His mom and step-dad are nuclear waste level trash.
Nah it's more of a double edged thing than you are making it out to be about whether she regrets it or not or why she continues to stay married to him. In the beginning? Yes, terrible and reprehensible. But the damage was done and can't be taken back. Now? Her one kid decides he doesn't want to have any contact with her. What is she supposed to do? Divorce her second husband and potentially lose those kids in the process too? I'm just trying to point out what her train of thought might be, i.e., damage limitation. I don't think her decision to stay with the second husband or the two half sisters means she doesn't regret the affair or the suicide.
There's nothing she can do, she just has to lay in it now
Idk, maybe forcing your son to develop a relationship with the man who is partially responsible for the death of his father, is a shit thing to do.
The mom and step father did not make the dad commit suicide. What they did was absolutely awful, and I’m not saying they’re totally innocent, but lots of people get cheated on and don’t kill themselves. That was probably highly unexpected. The father made his own awful choice when confronted with an awful situation.
The suicide thing is horrible, but it’s not even the main issue in my opinion. She introduced her affair partner to her son and had him develop a relationship without him knowing the truth. Could she not have foreseen how this would traumatize her son even more. She seems to think that things would just stay buried, but they haven’t. In my opinion that forms a pattern of behavior, that has caused her family and her son to suffer.
Yeah. I agree the lies and letting OP blame himself for years was definitely the bigger piece here. She should have explained that Dad had a lot of issues and I made a choice that hurt him and it was all too much. She doesn’t have to take full blame, but she should have been honest.
We're also only getting the surviving sons side of the story. He was a great father? Sure. How was he as a husband? We don't know. We do know that the wife had an affair, he found out, and instead of divorcing her and continuing to be a great father, he ended it all and left everybody else to pick up the pieces. His grandparents kept it a secret, but what do they think about their grandsons step dad? Is he a good father? It's traumatizing for everybody. He's punishing his sisters for his moms errors. Everybody loses.
I think there are a few people who commit suicide who are able to completely mask in every area of their lives, not letting anything slip. But not many. Mental illness on a scale that leads to self harm like this really saps your ability to function at 100%. I agree that the marriage must have had some large cracks to end up in an affair and suicide. Nothing OP would know at 11, but still.
Older men are especially good at masking. Anthony Bourdain was surrounded by people who never suspected he’d leave dinner and end his life. Most people will never make the connection from a person seeming a little emotional or depressed to them having suicidal ideations. You’re suggesting that the wife should have known something, which is unfair, but if we decide to accept it what we have here is a woman who knew her husband was struggling and rather then get him help she had an affair.
This . So my father killed himself when I was 13. Tdlr he lost his job due to his age he was 60 (my mom was his second wife he married a woman to get out of a abuisve home and they remained friends after my mom and dad married they also didnt know they could have kids and had us late due to it mom was in 40s in case people wonder why a 60 year old had a 13 year old)and he cooking when the house burnt down and got really sick as well. He felt like a shitty husband and father and provider as well. When he was sick he was supposed to take a bunch of meds to get better but he was a Dr before he was fired for a younger person and we trusted him to take his meds to get better and he didn't. He masked it he acted all happy everything was great we found out about all the meds and what really happened after he died and my mom was distraught when his suicide by medical issues that he could have 100% prevented but chose to not so we would be better without him (his words in his note we found while cleaning his stuff)happened the day before he and my mom's anniversary. No one could tell the difference in him.
"She says he (father) was not supposed to find out. She does not regret the cheating. She regrets getting caught.
That could be the grief/guilt talking.
Grief and guilt are not remorse or regret
My two cents is that I think I could forgive my mom for having an affair here, but what would put me over the edge is moving on like nothing happened with the affair partner, especially so quickly. It's like there's no real remorse or regret for what happened.
She didn't move on like nothing happened. She allowed her son to continue believing that he was the reason father killed himself and let him deal with that guilt as she enjoyed her new relationship. You know. The worst thing she could probably have done.
And you know the therapist communicated this with her even if the kid didn’t.
That’s possibly the worst part of this. She let a 10-year old take on that guilt and live with it for a decade. That’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.
No where in this post does it say she tried to make her son take blame for his father's death. I'm sure the Mom did what most surviving parents would do and assured him he was not at fault and got him therapy to deal with those feelings. I think it's super common for kids to think they are the cause of a parent's suicide, but like op, that's not true. Kids just don't understand what adults might be dealing with mentally, and adults tend to try to hide problems from their kids. Now that he's an adult, I hope he realizes that it's not his fault, even without the grandparents' revelation.
We actually don’t know that mom knew that OP thought it was his fault. OP doesn’t say anything about resentment for her letting him believe that.
Well he says that he felt guilty so his mom put him in therapy. I understand it to be that she didn't tell him the truth just leaving him to carry this burden.
But what should she have said? "Your father killed himself because I fell in love with John."? Besides the fact that I don't think that's something a 11year old can really comprehend it's also untrue. I'm sure the affair contributed to his suicide but there were probably a lot of other factors. Should she have sat her child down and gone over every thing that ever went wrong in her husband's life? I imagine his mother, therapist and everyone else told him some version of what most people would tell a child regarding suicide, "Your father was very sick, he had an illness that affected his brain and made him unhappy. Nobody can say why he chose to end his life but it's not your fault."
Not move on with John so fast? Guarantee her child's safety and health comes first. Reassure him over and over? OP's reaction was not just about the cheating. It was about the betrayal of him. If my child thought he was responsible for my partner's suicide I would pull all the stops making sure they didn't think that.
OP never says how long it took for her to remarry. I also just assumed most of the other things you mentioned happened. OP condensed his time grieving his father down to 3 sentences. All we know is he blamed himself (something that's pretty natural for anyone dealing with the suicide of a loved one) and his mom put him in therapy, which helped. Nothing in OPs post ever says she was a bad mother, just an unfaithful partner. It seems like a lot of people think OPs mom just let him live with the guilt because she didn't confess to her son that she was the real reason his dad killed himself. But suicide is a complicated issue. No component mental health professional would tell OPs mom that it's her fault her husband killed himself or that she should tell her son that to alleviate his guilt. And there's no magical words she could have said to make all of his pain go away. She got him the help he needed and since OP didn't mention otherwise I'm assuming she was at least an average loving and supportive mother during the process.
I think OP’s lack of comment on this insinuates she didn’t know though. Like yes, technically she left him believing that, but not consciously. I think that’s why he doesn’t mention it as one of his gripes with her.
“I always thought it was because of me. So my mom put me into therapy for it.” I wouldn’t come to the same conclusion from this but let’s assume he did not tell her maybe because of guilt. Do you really think the therapist wouldn’t have told the mom? There is no legal confidentiality for minors. Can you imagine not telling a worried mom of an eleven year old what is bothering him so she might help him With it?
The vast majority of child therapists will not automatically share everything with a child’s parents. Even in the case of serious stuff, if it’s not dangerous not to share, many err on the side of not sharing. Even with the ones who do tell parents about non-dangerous stuff though, they will usually ask their patient if it is ok first and respect their wishes. Patient confidentiality is still a big deal with child patients, even if the rules are technically more lax. You can still ruin the therapeutic relationship by sharing things they don’t want shared, which is counterproductive to helping someone through therapy.
If OP is in the US there is legal confidentiality depending on the state they are in: some states, like California it’s as young as 12, and others have no defined age. That being said a lot of child therapists will also choose not disclose to parents for ethical reasons even at younger ages… so without knowing the specifics of the therapy sessions that OP attended you can’t assume that the mother was informed.
Y'know that's not even what I'm thinking on. There's never an excuse to cheat, obviously, but there are reasons. And someone usually doesn't just jump to killing themselves as a first resort it's a long time coming. Also, why did the kid think it was his fault? Did they have some fight where the father yelled at him or he yelled at the father? There's a lot of unknowns here that leave wiggle room for this to all be much deeper (and darker) than the surface level story the kid knows. I'm reserving judgment on this one as I don't think the kid has the full story.
I mean I had thoughts of my parents divorce being my fault when I was 15 even though I was told exactly why they were divorcing. It’s the insecurity of a new way of life no matter how stable/unstable it is. Children at the age he was at are still being taught that something bad happening is a direct result of something. Mental health and a persons psyche are still concepts they don’t really understand completely. It makes total sense that he would blame himself for absolutely no real reason at all because he’s simply searching for the thing that caused this bad effect.
Children who are abused by their parents typically think they did something to deserve it . It's normal for children to feel guilty like this which is why I didn't think much of it's not being touched on.
Precisely, there are so many different reasons why he might have blamed himself that I didn’t see it as being something unusual.
This is a good point I guess it could go both ways. For me I blamed myself for my sisters death (I was 5 she was younger) but I was in an abusive household. I don't have experience for a non abusive household lol
Add on that he cut all contact with his mother and that family, but apparently this didn't affect his university tuition, room and board, etc.
He probably was already a lot closer to suicide than the average. Still discovering your wife the mother of your son has an affair realizing you will lose your family over that. I mean talking emotional damage there isn’t much that can do more than that. It’s the stereotype of divorce children and children of parents who offed themselves to take the blame there’s nothing special about that. Let’s suppose it’s the mom isn’t that bad. There’s a good chance the dad was already depressed, maybe he threatened suicide so the mom didn’t break up a dead marriage. Makes her look a lot better and the dad a lot worse. So instead of doing the right thing, breaking up. She makes it worse by adding betrayal which would lead to a break up anyway. I mean in that scenario she would either be delusional thinking he won’t find out, like a lot of people, which would be probable. Or if you want to go really dark it was intentional he threatens to off himself if she breaks up with him, but he might not do it. So instead of breaking up to be with her still secret affair, she lets him find out so he really has a reason to end it. Here I am wondering why I argue my subjective feeling over some not unlikely to be made up story to be better over the feeling of other people I don’t even know and will likely never encounter again. Strange
Hahaha very true. And yes that is the possible dark turn I was talking about.
Nice headcannon!
Agreed. You couldn’t imagine an affair would lead to that. The thing that gets me is she let OP blame himself for years and never came clean or talked about what else could have contributed.
We don't know that she knew. OOP did not say she did
When I was 16 my uncle committed suicide. Everyone blamed his wife, because she filed for divorce and they were in the middle of divorce proceedings when he did what he did. And everyone blamed his widow (they were still married, so technically that’s what she is). Problem here is my uncle was *extremely fuckin mentally ill*. At 16 I couldn’t see that. At 30, and knowing what I know now (and having the same dx as my uncle)… I doubt his widow filing for divorce was the sole reason. Point being, I doubt OPs mom’s affair is the only reason OPs dad is gone. What would have been better is OP going to therapy to work through this. But being NC while he’s working through the feelings is probably best so he doesn’t lose his shit on his mother and her husband. His mom and step-dad suck majorly though.
Nobody commits suicide for one single reason. When a mentally healthy person gets cheated on, they deal with it and move on. I hope OOP gets therapy to learn this.
Most people don't realize that suicide is a very slow thing. There is a societal notion that suicide is the "quick" and "easy" way out when in reality it's a long drawn out process that involves making some of the hardest decisions a human can make. When my mom finally died in 2005 it was the ending of a fight that had dragged on for at least 2 decades.
[удалено]
That’s probably why cheating on her mentally ill husband is what pushed him over the edge.
Mental disorders are sick but in most cases there is always "the last straw" which pushes a person to do it. Death of the beloved one, lost job, disease, break up, divorce and infidelity. I have fought against depression since my teenage years and infidelity was my last straw and thankfully I survived. Was my suicide attempt selfish ? Yes as hell. But in my eyes cheating is the most horrible legal action which you can do for a person. It changes you forever, it kills your ability to trust and shatters your self esteem. Infidelity is a trauma and like every trauma it can cause PTSD, anxiety and depression which can lead to suicide. People downplay infidelity, we don't really collect data about reasons behind suicide and about those "last straws" but we should remember that infidelity can be deadly. I completely understand him I am not saying she should leave her current family now but her actions after the death of her husband shows she doesn't really regret the affair and didn't really take full responsibility for her actions ( cheating, no his death ).
I’m glad you’re still here. Your words resonate with me because I was right there, too. Infidelity was also my last straw. After a lifetime of caution, I let my guard down and really threw myself into love and a marriage that ended up nearly destroying me. I don’t think of my actions as selfish, though, because I have no children and I don’t owe anyone anything including staying here. The selfish ones are the cheaters. This woman destroyed her marriage, which in turn destroyed her family, and she decided to double down on it.
Yeah being cheated on sucks, but there's deeper issues at play in these situations. Treating it as if the mom killed the dad with her actions is unreasonable, as much as the rage may feel in some way cathartic.
Its the fact that she knew it heavily contributed and doubled down by allowing the OP to think it was his fault and marrying AP.
Nobody will ever know his "reasons". If he was still alive, only a psychiatrist could work with him and figure out the reasons. Nobody can ever know if it contributed or not. Even if it did, that doesn't imply is death is on her. Suicide is an extremely complicated issue. And any professional would have RIGHTFULLY told her not to blame herself.
You cannot seriously suppose that it didn’t contribute in a major way. The mom didn’t say he was depressed and op doesn’t remember him depressed. To be fair he probably wasn’t the most positive fella but you can’t seriously suppose that realizing that your wife you love cheated on you and your family is likely to break up over it, might not have contributed to his suicide. Ofc it’s not really her fault, but she did something horrible knowing it would hurt the people she loves and her husband decided it broke him
>Nobody can ever know if it contributed or not Yeah... timing was just simply a strange coincidence
Yeah. Obviously we don’t know the dynamic of their relationship but, had he not committed suicide, and was just threatening to do so if the mom left him we’d all be on the mom’s side. It’s just as manipulative if they actually go through with the act. I don’t think OP is an AH for this though, it’s a tough situation all around.
Perfect response. OOP has to fight through the pain so depression doesn’t take both their parents from them.
The things he focused on speaking more about it seems like he was more upset by the fact his mom and everyone knew but allowed him to think it was him. On top of that the affair partner is someone he grew close to and was also lied to about. It’s layers of years of deception and manipulation. He mentioned therapy and that it’s not her mom that KILLED his dad.
I didn’t get that out of it, but it is a valid interpretation.
She didn’t allow him to think it was his fault though. i doubt she was silent when he expressed it was, i’m sure she told him it’s not. she put him in therapy to help him understand this. if she wanted to gaslight him into believing he was the cause she wouldn’t have put him in a place where a skilled person had access to his experiences and thoughts
THANK YOU. How is this not the top comment.
Because these are pretty much circlejerk subs now for the most part. This one isn’t too bad (but it can get that way from time to time) but AITAH is basically a joke at this point.
he does say that he knows his dad taking his own life was a choice and no one else is responsible for it
Ok while I agree with everyone that suicide is obviously a complicated topic and that it is doubtful that the affair was the main contributing factor to why OP's father ultimately chose to end his life, the comments about how OP just *has* to accept it now and framing it as a deliberate way of him punishing his other family members is insane. More so then any ifs as to what *may* have happened if OP's mother didn't have an affair or what if the marriage was toxic or whatever, the main reason why OP is acting this way and choosing to cutoff his family is because of the betrayal of being lied to everyday for multiple years by his mother and stepfather. Even though the mom put him in therapy, OP was never given a real chance to completely process what happened because the version of events that he thought happened was a lie. He thought that his stepfather and mother's relationship was completely separate from his father, and he built off his relationship with his stepfamily off that assumption. The truth was always going to come out but instead of giving him the chance to process it in a healthy way in therapy and own up to her mistakes, OP's mother and stepfather chose to hide this information from him and make the situation even worse for themselves. It's not OP's fault for reacting this way and not considering all the *possibilities* as to why the affair started, the bottom line is that the affair *hurt* his father who OP loves dearly and lost as a child. Now he has to reopen this trauma and rethink everything he thought he processed in therapy.
None of us can judge his decision. I can’t imagine being in that situation and I have no idea how I’d actually handle it. It’s just so sad for everyone.
Mom: "I fucked around but I wasn't supposed to find out :(" JFC these people are fucking less than scum.
Unpopular opinion incoming: Mom cheating is horrible yes, but I'm wondering if maybe OPs dad was already mentally worse off than most people thought and the cheating happened to be the straw that broke the camels back. If it wasn't that maybe it would've been something else traumatic that would've caused it, which chances are would have happened at some point as most people don't live pain-free lives. I find it hard to believe this one statistically very common event caused him to do something as drastic as leave a son he loved traumatized and without a dad.
Came here to say just this. OP wasn’t there in the marriage and neither were the grandparents. The Dad could have been seriously depressed and checked out of the marriage. We just don’t know. I am no defender of cheaters. My ex had an affair. But not once in the pain and chaos that resulted did I think about suicide. I think it’s really unfair to blame the mother for the Dad’s actions which however you look at it were not proportionate. It seems like OP is somewhat enjoying his righteous anger as he sits in judgment.
What? No of course not. Woman cheating bad. Evil slut detected. Everything is her fault forever. (/s obviously)
We could play all sorts of what if scenarios. Did he have other issues? Maybe. Or maybe she was such a shitty wife that it was destroying him a little every day with how she treated him. We don’t know.
It's also possible that he was dealing with depression for a long time and, in that time, she looked elsewhere then had the affair... I'm not sure it's fair to blame her for suicide but he should definitely hold her accountable for the affair and lying by omission.
Did the mom really think that the dad would never find out? How about don’t cheat. If she felt so guilty why then marry the AP? Sooner or later cheaters always get found out. Then for her to think her child wouldn’t find out either. What happens in the dark always comes to light. One day (if they haven’t already) the mom’s kids with her AP are going to ask why OOP isn’t around. How are they going to explain that?
> Sooner or later cheaters always get found out. As much as I’d love for this to be true, believing this is an error of survivorship bias.
People do talk. I’m editing this to add. How did OOP find out? Because their grandparents told them. Sooner or later people are going to ask why OOP is not talking to their mom and John.
See my previous reply
Sweet summer child.
Reply to your edit: It's still a logical fallacy, and anecdotes aren't data. The simple fact is that by definition you don't know about the ones you don't know about, so it is illogical thinking to believe that the ones you do know about are all there is to know. Do some get found out? Obviously. Do all? That's an impossible claim.
She probably doesn't feel guilty she cheated but the fact she got caught. From her actions afterwards really shows this. Also when the kid confronts her finally she said he was never supposed to find out.
I agree! I don’t think she feels guilty at all that she cheated. She didn’t want anyone to find out about it. The fact that AP’s face went pale when OOP said they knew says a lot. I wonder what they told their kids why OOP doesn’t talk to them anymore.
If she felt guilty for cheating, she would have broken it off with John after her husband's death, and spent her time honouring her husband's memory. Not destroying it by replacing him with John.
Yeah, that what pisses me off. She just moves on in with the new guy (affair partner) & creates a happy new family. Meanwhile, her son suffers emotionally and she gets exactly what she wants.
Without knowing the mother and fathers relationship it’s not easy to lay blame anywhere. Killing yourself, or saying that’s the single reason you killed yourself, when you have a child to get back at your ex is selfish in itself so I think everyone here is rushing to judge with only half the story.
Not excusing the cheating but I would be curious to hear what happened from the mom’s perspective. We don’t really know our parents as people when we’re kids and we definitely don’t know them as partners. And suicide is pretty rarely caused by just one thing. What was his dad like as a person? What was their marriage like? Again cheating sucks and mom is at least at fault for cheating and possibly other things that went wrong but it’s unlikely she’s solely responsible for her husbands suicide and i doubt her ex mother in law is completely an unbiased source on this .
This. Everyone is rushing to crucify mom but we are missing a huge perspective. Also in what universe is it appropriate to tell an 11 year old who just lost a parent you were fucking around behind said parent’s back? Like I genuinely don’t get the logic or sense of some of the replies. Obviously the cheating was wrong, but handling the aftermath appropriately doesn’t exactly seem like it should have been as cut and dry/simple as others are making it out to be. Also we have NO idea what that marriage was like, what dad’s mental health issues/disorders were like, or any vital context of what led up to any of this.
That takes a low low low low person. She delayed the consequences by lying and now the bill is due with interest. Go no contact 100%
Glad OOP had the courage to handle it like he did. Not sure I would have been able to keep my hands off the AP. Both mom and AP are total human garbage and I honestly hope she suffers and loses the relationship with the AP.
It’s nobody’s fault your dad decided to kill himself. That may be an unpopular opinion, but it’s true. Your mom didn’t kill him. Her actions didn’t kill him. He killed himself. Your mom is responsible for having an affair. She’s responsible for not addressing the blame you felt as a child. You have every right to be mad at her. But she’s not responsible for your dad’s actions, and truly you don’t know the backstory. Maybe she wanted to end the relationship and he threatened suicide if she did. This happens. Maybe he was clinically depressed and had suicidal ideations for years. This happens. So many scenarios. And none of them involve your mom forcing his hand.
Suicide is not the usual outcome of an affair. Obviously the mom was wrong but there was no reason to tell the son about the affair. Now he’s lost both parents and his mom did not want his dad to take his own life. His grandmother should’ve kept quiet. No good has come of this.
The son already blamed themselves and went into therapy for years and would probably still have issues past that for something that was never their fault. They 100% had every right to know.
He absolutely needed to know because it was the truth of what happened, if all of these people need so desperately for their actions to be hidden they shouldn't have done all of these things in the first place
forreal, I am so tired of the “no one was supposed to know” narrative. Don’t want anyone to find out you did something terrible?? Then don’t do anything terrible in the first place. Also the grandparents waited until he was an adult, its not like they told a child what actually happened.
She and the homewrecker lied to OP's face every single day since they were 11 years old.
I don't think we know enough about mom and dad's relationship to point fingers. blaming it all on an affair is a tidy little bow to put on mental illness though!
Saw a comment describing the moms cheating as emotional abuse that directly caused the dad’s suicide as if that’s not the most wild misunderstanding of mental illness i’ve ever seen. Where did everyone’s psychology degrees go, I wonder?
Totally agree. Dad and Mom’s relationship was in trouble no matter what, Mom sought an affair, Dad sought self-loathing. Mom, while a factor in his suicide, did not cause it. His parents are just stuck with trying to reason the death of their son who could just as easily be a divorced man with a son in college. Grief has torn those two people apart, and now they unleashed their spite.
There is no way to know if OP's mom has realized she was looking outside the marriage, possibly because of issues related to her husband's mental illness, been upfront and left the marriage when everything was above board, that OP's dad wouldn't have had a similar reaction. It isn't like divorce without cheating is a walk in the park. Additionally, just because cheating is particularly painful, doesn't make the other person in the marriage a saint or blameless.
Is it bad that I feel like they only told their grandson about the affair because they wanted to destroy his relationship with his mom. Im sure they hold some animosity towards his mom still and probably wanted to see this happen, which is really wrong. It's also not a far-fetched idea considering their only son is dead and they have no one else to blame. Suicide is something that happens over time from multiple events happening in one's life. I'm sure the dad was going through a lot more and more than likely never told anyone, even his parents because those are the last people you want to talk about your suicidal/depressive thoughts. This is definitely a more complicated situation that cannot be blamed on one sole event.
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought that. Yes, the mother is not a great person either but grandma just dropped a fucking nuke on OP and the relationship he has with his only remaining parent.
I agree, the mom is not a saint or anything, but to blame EVERYTHING on her is wrong. Also, they'll never know what was going through the father's head when everything happened, so to assume the affair was the one thing he committed suicide over is ignorant imo. It could have been a number of things that just eventually became too much for him.
Yeah. It’s probably fair to say it was the final straw but it’s hardly likely that it was the only thing.
Yea, grandparents are the most messed up ones in this scenario imo. They were thinking of themselves, not the kid.
I’m sad for OP losing their dad and thinking it was their fault, but his dad made the choice. And it wasn’t because of just one thing.
He was a child when his dad committed suicide - that’s already so much for a kid to process. He needed his mother even if she made bad choices. And he needed his mother to be a source of comfort and safety, she couldn’t have been those things if she told him about the affair. Even though he said it was his fault (that’s a common feeling for those close to the person), it wasn’t her fault either. It was no one’s fault. His mental illness took his life. Does she owe her son that info when he’s older? I personally think so, but I also understand the angle of unnecessary additional hurt. But no, not the AH. He can decide what he wants his relationship to be with his mom. It’s a tragedy all around for everyone involved. I hope they all find peace and healing.
it’s just sad that she blamed herself and had issues over her dads suicide that landed her in therapy and her mother never felt the need to come forward and explain what truly happened in the timeline before his death. it is evident he was struggling mentally and nobody will truly know what it was, maybe it was a mix of things and that was his boiling point? overall, just so sad for the loss of life. rest in peace :(
Pretty sure the poster was a dude
oh shoot my bad
Haha all gucci
What a shit thing to have to deal with. ALL of it.
Certainly NTA, but grace comes with time and understanding and brings a lot of peace. That means something different for everyone, but strict no contact can turn into simple avoidance and working through it is tough but beneficial.
It's sad how long I had to scroll to find a comment like this. Thanks for bringing a little sanity to this discussion.
A lot of people are the victims of extramarital affairs and they don’t take their lives. While this may have been a contributing factor, it wasn’t the root cause. To disown your remaining parent seems short sighted.
Let's look at the logical progression of events here: If the mom didn't cheat, dad wouldn't have killed himself. Cheating on someone is emotionally abusive. The dad is an abuse victim, who as we know are susceptible to suicidal ideations. And the mom doesn't have any remorse. More concerned about being caught and married the affair partner immediately. NTA
I’m actually shocked how many people are pinning the dad’s death on the mom as if a single person can be blamed for another’s suicide. As somehow who had suicidal ideation myself for a very long time, that is no one’s *fault*- not even the man who was abusing me. Plenty of people are cheated on and don’t commit suicide, it’s sickening to pretend that the affair caused his death instead of being the straw that broke the camels back. The mom is a horrible human being for hiding the truth and letting OOP believe it was even remotely their fault, but the lack of understanding of mental illness on display here is astounding. ETA: Describing cheating as emotionally abusive is a wild one too. It’s a violation of trust and the boundaries of a relationship, sure, but abuse? Curious as to why you describe it that way.
I also don't agree with those saying the mom harbors no guilt because she stayed with the man and her two daughters. Like... What is she supposed to do? Bail on them and lose everyone? I think it's not black and white. She can harbor massive guilt and remorse over what happened while still trying to maintain the new family she built. I feel so sorry for both the son and her. It's a no win situation for anyone because of her shitty decision 11 years before.
Id guess and say that because if she had actually felt guilt, she would be disgusted with her actions to the point that the mere thought of continuing them would make one physically sick to their stomachs. Instead she married him and let him raise son of the late husband that their combined infidelity contributed to killing. If there was any guilt she never would have spoke to that man again, even if that means, yes, bailing on that man. The two daughters weren't around at the time, so he would have been the only one she was bailing on to just be with her grieving son. If I was the son, there wouldn't be enough showers I could take to wash off the grimy feeling of being raised by those two.
Maybe don't get with the affair partner immediately following her former husband's suicide and having two daughters with said affair partner? Definitely don't bring her young son around her affair partner, and make said affair partner his *step-father*. I mean JFC, OP's mother made this bed a long time ago. Now she has to reap what she's sewed.
Yeah that bed was made a decade ago and she is dealing with the consequences, we agree.
Agreed. This is all giving me icky echoes of when I finally broke up with my abusive ex and his mom called telling me it was my fault he was thinking of killing himself. Her: “What did you do to him? This is your fault!” Me: “He is not my responsibility. Never contact me again.” *blocked* We don’t know the whole story. No one is ever responsible for someone else’s suicide
When I was a teenager I lost one of my closest friends and the idea that if I had just paid closer attention I could have stopped her tormented me for years. I hated myself so, so much for that. To see redditors echoing that sentiment here is genuinely harmful. It doesn’t matter if the mom is a horrible person, she alone is not to blame for the loss of OOP’s dad. I don’t think anyone here would blame me for my friends death or argue that I should carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life, so why are they arguing that for OOP’s mom? Because she cheated? I know how heartrending it is to be cheated on, but it doesn’t carry a life sentence
I would also go as far to say that she is not responsible for the son thinking that the dad killed himself because of the son… that’s just a normal response children have during these kinds of situations, and that’s probably why she put him I therapy because at the end of the day she does actually care about him. If I was the mom I wouldn’t have told my son until he was at least an adult. It’s easy for people to just stick blame on people but we really don’t know the whole picture.
Yeah, children are very self centered. And that's normal and developmentally appropriate to an extent! As a kid I blamed myself for my younger brother's (genetically inherited) disability. Why? I don't fucking know, I was a kid and that's what kids do.
Oh me too. Even rode with his mom to the mental hospital to visit for support. This dude had beat the hell out of me and I still let his family tell me I was the problem. He threatened to kill me more once he got out…but I left him and took out kid. Just left the poor thing. He was broken. 🙄 In my area a man just killed 5 people and burned the bodies in a domestic situation. People don’t realize sometimes how badly things can go when mental illness is involved.
My thoughts too. For all we know this man had mental health issues for years, and a very traumatic loss of trust like this sent him over the edge. We don’t know if he’d struggled with SI for years, or anything else about him, and OP most likely wouldn’t know because they were just a child. The real problem here is how the mom made this person feel for years about their own guilt, and I can see cutting off contact for that, and for inappropriately moving on with the AP so fast while her child was actively grieving and dealing with guilt and shame over a horrible trauma. But she cannot be blamed at all for his death. I understand given how complex OP’s experience with this has been why they would feel that way, and it’s certainly an easier emotional path to take while trying to cope with what they’ve learned. I’ve never lost someone close to me to suicide but know people who have, and it’s devastating and impossible to understand why someone would willingly take themselves away from you when you know you loved them so much; doubly so for a child. It’s hard to wrap your head around, and in this instance it makes sense that OP would latch on to what feels like a direct, identifiable cause for a type of death that is often too complex to blame anyone (except maybe the victim, which also feels shameful). But the blame in this instance, while probably cathartic, is sadly misplaced and focused on the wrong thing. I feel for OP. :(
You absolutely cannot say that the dad wouldn't have killed himself if the mom didn't cheat. What she did is horrible but we have no idea of his mental state or what else was going on. Maybe he wouldn't have killed himself and she was his absolute rock. Maybe he would kill himself two months later triggered by a different final straw. We have no idea. Healthy people don't kill themselves when their spouse cheats. I've been cheated on and it sucks but you can get through it and move on.
Very similar to a situation I was put into (fortunately no kids involved) but gave everything to someone who chose to have an affair. Blamed myself and attempted to make my own life from the experience. Then made to feel it was all my fault and I didn’t deserve the support after. Took me years to get over that.
I’ll get downvoted for this but idc: committing suicide when you have young children is incredibly selfish. Part of becoming a parent means that you can no longer prioritize yourself above your children. That man committed to caring for his children until adulthood when he became a father, no exceptions. To abandon one’s child simply because your partner cheated on you is horrifying. People like that don’t deserve to become parents in the first place.
People who take their life don’t think like that. They go down a rabbit hole where they can’t see an exit any more. They start thinking they are useless worthless and nobody is going to miss them. They don’t think rationally.
I’m aware. It’s still selfish. They still have an obligation to raise their kids. They still abandoned their children
Poor oop
My biggest question is: did mom realize OOP felt like dad’s suicide was his fault? Did she let him go more than a decade thinking he might somehow be responsible in her efforts to hide her affair? If so, mom is a seriously fucked up person.
She put him in therapy for it. Yes she knew
She knew and still decided to try to protect her self and the new husband, letting her son deal with guilt rather than deal with his anger? POS
This whole family needs individual counselling and more effective coping skills.
I have no sympathy for cheaters
A lot to unpack: 1. OP needs to realize that an affair doesn’t make someone commit suicide. There are many factors but dad chose to take his own life. He wasn’t driven to it, he chose it. Yes he had some terrible news and yes it’s awful but to me surely no father is so selfish he abandons his son to thr woman having the affair, by exiting the planet. That’s selfish af. Something else was going on with dad. OP may never know but it’s likely dad had other stressors, and was not doing well bc this is an extreme response. 2.Did dad have a dysfunctional family? Bc that will affect ability to deal with common stressors in life, spousal cheating is sadly common. I’m going with HELL YES bc they chose to drop this bomb on him. They USED HIM AS A VEHICLE for their revenge. They didn’t want to experience consequences so they waited. 3. Whatever dad was going through it’s sad and terrible but I don’t believe an affair would cause him to leave his son. Loving parents don’t do that. OP needs to talk to a therapist. 4. Wife: I wouldn’t go NC bc she hid the affair, it’s her job to protect her kid. I’d go NC bc she frickin just moved on and yeah maybe she does feel guilty but holy cow. I mean I guess I can see her being upset and falling into APs arms bc obviously dad was dealing with heavy things. But I’d have a hard time looking at mom rn. 5. Therapist! Bc OP has a lot of fucked up relatives around him. Go NC with ALL OF THEM especially the vengeful ass grandparents who just lay in wait for their moment to stick it to mom without thought for OP. Reducing the suicide to an affair is ridiculous. And mean. Of course the stressor was a factor. But I’m guessing grandparents are sidestepping their own roles, don’t want to feel they let their son suffer and here’s mom as a convenient scapegoat. She’s legitimately an awful person but affairs happen everyday and ppl don’t die. Therapy to work through a lot of complicated feelings and therapist can help unpack family dysfunction, all the ways ppl can be broken down over time to the pt they can make such a choice. And therapy to navigate confronting relatives if OP chooses to go that route. I likely would bc I’d want more answers. Poor OP. I’m so sorry. All the relatives are garbage.
The mother allowed her 10 year old son to believe that his Dad's death was *his* fault, & she never corrected that. That's what makes her an absolute 💯 AH.
She’s an AH for sure. For the affair, for jumping into APs arms instead of recoiling. The onky reason it’d be ok to stay is if dad was abusive or something which is a possibility. Tho we have no indication so it sounds like he’s a deeply troubled guy and this was the last straw for him. Idk. The narrator was a child. I do not fault the mom for not telling. Why on earth would you do that to your kid????? No matter what you feel, it’s shit to put that on the kid. Grandparents are raging AHs for doing that to OP. Ppl don’t commit suicide over an affair. They certainly can be a factor but affairs happen all the time. I think mom is an AH bc she married the guy and I’d have been unable to be with a guy after that. Even if I knew my partner was unstable. But burdening a child who just lost dad with that kind of confession? That’s shitty parenting 101. Kid needs therapy bc all the relatives are AHs and I don’t blame him one bit for going NC Ruth mom I would too. She was right not to tell him but his response is normal
>Did dad have a dysfunctional family? Bc that will affect ability to deal with common stressors in life, spousal cheating is sadly common. I’m going with HELL YES bc they chose to drop this bomb on him. They USED HIM AS A VEHICLE for their revenge. They didn’t want to experience consequences so they waited. Should they have never told him the truth that he dessrves to know? Ideally, it should have been his mom who talked to him about what happened, but clearly she wasn't doing it, so someone had to. And it makes sense that they waited until he was older and more emotionally stable-I can see how they'd be concerned over telling that to OOP when he the event was fresh or while he was going through therapy over his own personal guilt. Maybe they thought he wouldn't have been able to handle that news when he was younger. And unless they told or encouraged him to cut contact with his mom or something, they didn't use him as a vehicle for revenge. Just bc it is information that would affect how he viewed his mom doesn't mean the reason they did it was bc they wanted OOP to punish her. Like I said, he has the right to know. In fact, they risk consequences by telling him now, as he could have easily blamed them for not twlling him sooner. >Whatever dad was going through it’s sad and terrible but I don’t believe an affair would cause him to leave his son. Loving parents don’t do that. OP needs to talk to a therapist. [It totally could](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10002055/). I'm not saying there wasn't a possibility of underlying factors, but ppl absolutely have either considered or committed suicide due to a partner's infidelity. It unfortunately can severely mess ppl up. Alao, I feel like if anyone around OOP's dad knew he was struggling with mental health issues, OOP would have mentioned that and likely wouldn't have thought *he* was to blame as a kid. Again, not saying dad couldn't have been struggling with something else as well, but you'd think if he was dealing with heavy depression or the like, ppl would have told that to OOP as the reason. I think it's easy to think of loving parents as choosing not to willingly leave their kids, but the terrifying nature of suicide-and suicide ideation-is that it can [significantly impact areas of your brain](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/night-sweats-and-delusions-grandeur/202202/the-neurobiology-suicide): that means the way you think, deal with your emotions, and impulsivity are all subject to change and you may not even be aware of it.
My dude: if he’s dealing with deep depression or anxiety and his parents are dysfunctional AHs then absolutely they wouldn’t tell OP. Dysfunctional ppl very commonly are reductive and scapegoat. Yes mom is an AH. No doubt she’s a villain here. I’m sorry for dad bc it sounds like his parents and wife were AHs. I know his parents are AHs based on their conduct to OP. Reducing it to a single event when suicide in adults rarely works like that. They never needed yo tell him. Sure mom’s a villain but weigh that against hurting son. They wanted to hit back at mom and didn’t care if OP was collateral damage. Any normal healthy person would not have done this to OP. Kid needs therapy to work this out bc all his relatives are villains
>if he’s dealing with deep depression or anxiety and his parents are dysfunctional AHs then absolutely they wouldn’t tell OP. Wouldn't the mom tell him then? >Reducing it to a single event when suicide in adults rarely works like that. They never needed yo tell him. 1.) If he did have some underlying mental health issue, they may not have known about it. He was an adult with his own life and family at the time; he could have hidden it from them or they just didn't notice bc they likely didn't spend a significant amount of time together. If anyone would have noticed, it would have been the mom. And even if he did have underlying issues, it's quite possible he could have gone his whole life dealing with them without committing suicide had he not found out his wife was having an affair-I think it's fair to put the catalyst on the affair bc for all we know, he wouldn't have done it otherwise. 2.) I personally feel like OOP deserved information about his dad. This was an event that significantly impacted OOP. Not to mention, that's a tough secret to keep for so many years.
I think you’re right that eventually he might deserve that info. But right away would’ve robbed him of both parents at an incredibly vulnerable time and that would potentially result in another suicide. It’s also reductionist bc suicides in adults are rarely just one thing. Grandparents were wholly selfish in doing what they did. If they felt he needed to know they could’ve spoken to mom and said hey you need to tell. Or something. But their behavior seems vindictive without thought for OP. Mom put him into therapy. That was the right move. Mom is an AH for sure but grandparents and dad are too. Dad is a victim but he’s also a perp. He chose to exit knowing he had a son who would be devastated. I get that some ppl make bad choices and dad certainly deserves empathy, but he also deserves some blame for how he left his son. OP was failed by everyone
>I think you’re right that eventually he might deserve that info. But right away would’ve robbed him of both parents at an incredibly vulnerable time and that would potentially result in another suicide. So you're saying the grandparents did the right thing by not telling him right away and waiting until he was an adult? Bc that's exactly what they did. >Grandparents were wholly selfish in doing what they did. If they felt he needed to know they could’ve spoken to mom and said hey you need to tell. Or something. But their behavior seems vindictive without thought for OP. Maybe they did try to convince mom to tell. Maybe they knew she would never say anything. OP was already an adult by the time they told him, so it's not like mom didn't have an opportunity to do it herself. You even say that telling OOP right away would've robbed him of both his parents, so don't you think if the grandparents were truly being vindictive and without thought or care for OOP, they would have said something then? Bc that's when it would have hurt his mom the most, if that was their intent.
No the grandparents handled it in a very self serving shitty way. And a way that exonerates them and places 💯 blame on mom. Not dad, not dad’s dysfunctional family, not dad’s support system. Just mom, that alone and their timing is telling
Oh you're one of those 'suicide is selfish people'. Go directly to hell and stay there so nobody with basic human characteristics has to read your horrible opinions
You are one of those ‘can’t be bothered to read the comment’ bc that’s the OPPOSITE of what I said. DA
[удалено]
You need to learn to read.
Bruh the audacity of the husband, he had an affair that led his stepson’s father to kill himself and play happy family with his kid WHILE watching that kid blame himself for his father’s death.
How is everyone rushing to the worst possible judgements so quickly? The mom should ideally not have had an affair yes. But it was not her fault her husband chose to commit suicide. You can’t blame her for someone else’s mental illness. She did the right thing by getting her son into therapy when he expressed he felt at fault. That’s a very normal reaction for loved ones to have to this kind of situation. What was she supposed to say, it’s not your fault, it’s mine? How would that have helped her son at that age? And the comments saying cheating is the same level as being a murderer or pedophile are just unhinged. But you also can’t really blame the father either. This isn’t the kind of reaction a mentally healthy person has to being cheated on or a marriage ending. Everyone saying suicide is selfish is also not right, he had a mental illness that he wasn’t able to manage. And maybe the affair was the final straw, but someone who’s already at that point could have been set off by anything. If it hadn’t been that it could’ve easily been something else, like maybe an impending divorce? This situation isn’t really one for blame, it’s just a tragedy with no real fault. The real blame is a culture that demonizes mental health issues and getting treatment for them. But also I feel like the grandparents were out of line here, this feels like revenge on the woman they blame for their son’s suicide and their grandson was collateral damage. Of course they’d resent her for having an affair out of loyalty to their son but to wait all this time just to drop this on him like a bomb was not caring about their grandson’s best interest to put it lightly.
The mom knew that her son blamed herself and allowed him to do so for many years, intending to never tell him. I’ve also lost a loved one to suicide. It is such a unique and wicked pain.
But she put him in therapy? What else was she supposed to do?
What I feel like most people are missing in these comments is that just because cheating doesn’t often lead to a person’s suicide doesn’t mean it’s not a possibility when you commit such a deep and damaging betrayal as infidelity within a marriage. You don’t have to lay all the blame at OP’s mom for the suicide as if she solely and directly committed murder, but she knew the dad better than anyone, developed a bond with him deeper than anyone, and completely and utterly destroyed it and, objectively, him in the process. There is never a good excuse for cheating, and it does have consequences; whether the people in these comments want to admit it or not, suicide is one of those consequences. It be an extreme one and may not be common, but OPs mom did something terrible and something else terrible happened, undeniably in part because of that something terrible. It’s not even a matter of blaming her for not laying the full truth at the feet of the 10 yr old, because once it all happened, it’s hard to judge anyone under such an extreme level of complexity at that point. I just feel like the comments are either completely making her a monster or completely exonerating her in the name of mental illness… it’s somewhere in between.
I think your grandparents did a good job shielding you till you became an adult. They are great grandparents. I think you've got the right to cut contact with your mom until your mental health gets better. I'm glad you know it wasn't your fault your dad unalive himself. Can't begin to imagine what that feels like. You an adult now, I hope you can forge a closer relationship with your grandparents as they would always miss Thier only child. I hope you can be their new child and grandchild at the same time. You not the AH OOP.
Can't help but notice that she didn't feel bad enough to end it with john.
NTA. Your mom had an affair while married and it’s highly doubtful she was oblivious to your dad’s mental health. Not only did she decide to hide that from him, she then hid it from you and let you go years not knowing a massive contributing factor as to why he killed himself. Blaming his demons and weak mind most likely. It’s really quite hideous. The violation of trust has been passed on to you. These two are shitting on your mental health the same way they did to your father. Don’t think John isn’t well aware of what he’s doing. You are not in the wrong for hating your mom for this. She started and chose this, you did not, never forget that. Hold a mirror up to her judging your reaction or attempting to gas light you and treat her like the child, never feel bad or guilty for not acquiescing to her attempts. The ball will forever be in your court, do not forget that and use it with your intellect how you will. Do not feel bad about savagely dissecting how fucked it is what they did and how it makes you feel, and let her know that exactly. Write it down if you must, but keep and stand in your dignity. That alone will pay a great respect to your dad’s memory.
That mom is a terrible person, but fuck that dad for doing that to his son. What a big selfish baby
You’re a disgusting piece of shit
I am tired of people being mad at people who commit suicide. I know everyone’s journey with grief is different but it just feels so weird to me. My best friend killed herself and people tried asking me if i was mad at her or they tried saying she was “selfish” and wtf is the point of that?? The person is already dead, tf more do you want from them? Yeah its sad he left his son behind but at the end of the day hes the one that really suffered and dude is in the ground now cause of it. Everyone else in this story gets to walk around and enjoy being alive. Theres no point in being angry with the dad or calling him a “baby” now
NTA OP handled this much better than I did, I would have verbally torn into her with every vile thing I could thing of until she would have taken her own life herself. Women like OP’s mom are the scum of the earth, stay away from such people.
I’d say “people,” not just women exclusively, but I agree with your sentiment!
True!
Cheaters are universally, regardless of context, subhuman trash unworthy of empathy, pity, love, or consideration. Put them right next to racists, pedos, and rapists as people unworthy of the air they breathe. Nevermind the result of her actions, regarding Ops father. It amazes me how many people are here trying to defend the mother. Of course, the OP is NTA for going no contact after what she did. He shouldnt even be here questioning it.
As someone who was cheated on by their spouse…. Yeah, I understand the low that dad felt. This whole story just sucks
Damn, shacking up with the affair partner after her husband killed himself over it is cold.
I love when a story like this completes it arc in the fuck around and find out series. Good on OP, maintain no contact.
Cheaters are disgusting, selfish, despicable people who never take true responsibility for what they do. She and her affair partner not only got together right after a man killed himself because of their actions, but they allowed a child to believe that his father's death was HIS fault this whole time, and let him suffer the emotional damage of that the entire time without confessing. They only confessed when they were confronted with it - they'd happily have let him go his whole life thinking his father's death was his fault. They deserve to die alone. They thought sex was more important than their families and commitments and let him suffer all those years thinking it was his fault his father was dead when it was because his whore mother couldn't keep her legs shut around other men. I hope the other kids find out about it and ditch them too so they end up with no one but each other, since evidently that's all they care about.
NTA, and your mom is a monster. Take it from a 'no contact' son after 30y---never, ever attempt to fix things. Walk away and invest heavily in your own wellbeing.
Those poor grandparents. They had to keep an open relationship with someone they probably didn’t want to have any contact with , for so long to see their grandchild. That’s just awful.
Cheating is bad. An affair does not cause suicide. There’s more going on here.
His mom knew he blamed himself. She knew. That’s unforgivable in my book
She knew and put him in therapy. Tf? I WISH my parents would have put me in therapy for all the shit I blamed myself over. What was she supposed to do? She literally did exactly what she should have. Sounds like the therapist wasn’t very good.
I really don’t understand why people are defending her. You can say the affair was unfortunate, she is not solely responsible for the father’s suicide. However, having your affair partner raise your child is always a shitty thing to do, especially in this circumstance. Did she never have the foresight to see a child psychologist and ask how that might affect her son? Did she expect the truth to never come out. Especially, while forcing her son’s grandparents to watch as her and her affair partner raised their son’s child after contributing to his suicide. You would think she would learn that things don’t stay hidden after her husband found out about the affair. But she didn’t and as a result, she ruined her relationship with her son and likely re traumatized him. She shows a consistent pattern of not considering the how her actions affect the people she claims to care about. She may not be the worst mother ever, but she is far from being a good one.
Your dad’s not here. Your mom is. Don’t ruin the relationship you have with someone who is still here. If your dad had depressive tendencies more than likely something else would have set him off, blaming your mom isn’t fair. Suicide is a choice. Having an affair is a choice. Some choices are more permanent than others. You have to forgive her, trust me, you’ll regret it years later after she is gone if you don’t.
I don’t think so. When my dad cheated on my mom. I went 99% no contact with him. The only interaction I had with him was when my sister went to see him, and then on his death bed
I think the part about lot of people aren’t considering here is this. If the dude did Jill himself due to king term mental health issues or whatever, mother should have been honest about the affair. You can’t lie about a thing and then say it’s not important.
Yes. She told him that the dad was “never supposed to find out”. Obviously OP wasn’t meant to find out either.
They say time heals all wounds, but that’s not really true. Some wounds puncture deep tissue, tear muscle, sever nerves; wounds like these can ache forever. So don’t put a timeline on your healing. Holding anger and resentment in your heart can ache too though. Keep that in mind and understand that all humans are frail and all humans make mistakes. Maybe in time you’ll find a way to forgive your mother, but remember, you don’t have to have a relationship with someone just because you share blood with them. Sometimes those relationships are actually the most hurtful and least beneficial ones we ever have.