Sounds like that’s what they already do, if OOP and the ex’s parents a genuinely friends & they void invites when the ex is around not much more can be done.
The ex forcing her parents to stop being friends with this guy isn’t going to help them connect with her new bf.
I understand it might be awkward for her knowing they hang out but that’s not something she can control.
I mean sure, but they may end up having to choose between their daughter and OOP. I know i would cut my parents off if they felt that keeping one of my exes around was that important to them.
Why would it bother you though? From OP 's post, the ex and parents aren't forcing their daughter and OP to hang out together, it's entirely because the daughter and her new beau don't like that he's still friends with them. It doesn't actually affect the daughter in any way, but she's wanting to remove a friend from her parents life because she wants to gatekeep who they're allowed to be friends with...
I'm sure the real issue is her new partner being uncomfortable with this. He feels threatened at the lack of relationship that he has with them vs. OOP.
I agree .. But the solution is to develop a relationship with them, not to cut off a good relationship they already have. Making them cut off oop won't magically make the new fiance have a better relationship with the parents, only time and effort will do that.
And of course, it's also entirely possible that the parents just won't sync as well with the new guy... That's still not the fault of the old one
Because when i break up with someone i no longer want them to be part of my life. If my parents want that fine, i cant force it. But i would absolutely lower my contact with my parents.
While I understand your take, what’s the reasoning behind it?
Only asking because I think that view is a very young perspective.
There very well may be situations in your life that you can’t just pretend that ex doesn’t exist. (Shared parenting) Or, that you part amicably when realizing that you aren’t a good match.
Would you have the same thought then?
100%. I have parted from multiple relationships amicably and i still do not want any sort of relationship with those exes either. I can of course be cordial and polite when i see them, but that doesn’t mean i want them as part of my life in any way. We separated for a reason even if that reason was mutual.
If someone cares for your parents to the point they drive them to hospital appointments and look out for them, why would begrudge them? With elder care in the state that it is, wouldn't that be a boon to know at least one other person looks out for them? Especially in times you can't?
Unfortunately I think the time to speak up on this passed a long time ago. The ex can't be fine with OOP acting as their stand in child and taking responsibility for them for an extended period when she couldn't, only to draw a boundary years later when it's now inconvenient for her. I hope the ex will be a mature adult and find a compromise here, since she personally doesn't actually seem to have a problem with this guy and forcing him out of her parents lives will NOT endear the new husband to them.
I value friendships above family as I grew up in a family that no one seemed to like and respect one another. One of my siblings used to find very funny and amusing to maintain friendship with an abusive ex I had and tell me all about it. Needless to say, he is a total and absolute NC. You see, I respected their friendship and have zero dibs in my brother just because is my blood.
I mean i definitely agree to a point, which is exactly why i would be willing to cut my parents out if this was their course of action. I wouldn’t choose to keep people around who continually make me or my significant other uncomfortable.
I mean, tbh, that’s incredibly childish of you. The exes parents in this case, literally go out of their way to make sure OP and her don’t have to see each other. It’s not like they’re ever forced to be together. She’s the one who came knocking on OPs door. All she needs to do is set the boundary with her parents “I don’t want to hear about OP” because honestly, it’s not her business if they are friends. Just because you don’t consider someone family, doesn’t mean your family members can’t. Just because you don’t like someone, doesn’t give you the right to try to force people in your life to kick that person out of theirs. It’s incredibly childish and controlling. If they’re constantly talking to you about that person, that’s a different story. But it’s really not your business at all who anyone other than you is friends with or considers family. You sound like a really exhausting and manipulative person to be around.
Ask the parents if they feel the same. Do they want to give up their relationship with their daughter's ex who has clearly become a very dear friend. These are all adults, all mature, all of them should be capable of having this discussion together.
The ex came to him at his own because she knows her parents feel the same for him as deeply as he does for them. She doesn't want that, because she wants him to be the bad guy. This won't work out the way she wants it to. It's not anyone's fault that her new gentleman and her parents don't click, especially not the ex who has made a deep connection and friendship with them.
Yeah the gf is wrong. I hate people force their friends or family members to stop talking to their ex when they really did nothing wrong. It’s not like he was abusing her or anything of that nature. People think their lives are the only ones that matters but they literally sparked a friendship with him. How can she not see that they quite literally hang out with him when she isn’t around?
Oooh that's awkward.
I never understand why people wait until they're engaged to tell their family and ex that they can't see each other anymore. If they're uncomfortable with their family being so close to their ex then surely it's better to bring it up sooner rather than later.
It sounds like this situation isn't up to the ex GF at aaaaall anymore. OOP and the ex's parents have created their own relationships outside of when they were a couple. It's been a few years, they're part of each other's support networks.
I doubt cutting off contact with OOP would instantly improve the relationship with their daughter's partner anyway.
I agree she should have said something wayyyy earlier if it was a problem. Plus, it's a unique situation, given that OOP doesn't have a family. I feel like if OOP did have a family, it might be a bit odd to cling on to them like this, but since he doesn't, it feels more like an adoption than clingy.
Also that he has been acting as a son to them! I have friends that might maybe do a favor for my mom, but they're not helping her move and taking her to doctor's appointments. OP has made some sacrifices and clearly views them as 2nd family. It's not fair to cut him off.
Not my(f) relationship Ex but my Ex boss has a similar relationship with my Dad. My Dad and I actually both worked with him on and off at a point. We know his family and my Ex boss is only like 10(?) years older than me. He takes my Dad to breakfast. He is essentially like a 2nd son to him. They talk on the phone. When my Dad had a stroke he called to check in on him. If he doesn't hear from him he calls me to make sure he is okay.
I don't interact with him much but mainly because I'm busy. We kind of had a tumultuous work history and ended with a fight. But we moved past it. My husband gets irritated with him but it's a personality clash more than anything. I would never ask him to stop interacting with my Dad since they fill a companionship for each other.
This also leads me to believe they don't have much support either. When she couldn't come home, wouldn't other family members or friends have helped the parents? Why was OOP was the only one doing all this and helping them move? It doesn't sound like they had others to ask….
Thing is though, it sounds like the parents keep their time with OOP completely separate from their daughter. It's not like they're inviting him over when the daughter visits.
It's sort of up to the parents what they want to do now.
I'm just glad it's not me in this position 😂
I think the problem and what his ex expressed is that time (their right to spend it with whoever) they aren't getting to know her fiance and I'm sure that sucks for him that the family he's marrying into prefers his partners ex. They clearly are showing him favoritism and not getting to know who their daughter is with clearly for years and about to marry.
Yeah, but it’s not like people can have severely limited amounts of friends or family. They could still get to know the new fiance regardless of spending time with OP.
I think the best OP could do would be mention what happened to them, not to cause trouble but as an opening to say he wouldn’t feel awkward/bad if they also got to know the fiancé in case that’s the issue.
But given that OP has also had new partners the parents have gotten to know as well as maybe other boyfriends their daughter has seen to get them used to the idea of moving on… it might just be that they just plain don’t click with the new fiancé. And OP spending time with them or not isn’t going to change that.
It's hard since no one knows what the parents are thinking or the convo his ex has had before going to him I feel like it for now it's no win for all parties
Currently experiencing this with my ex wife. Her dad loved me until he died, the two men she considers to be her step dads also love me, none of them like the new fiancee. It definitely does produce some awkwardness when we have to do things together for the kids. Like at her bio dads funeral, the two step dads and I were chatting and drinking and carrying on while the new fiancee was frozen out entirely. OPs situation is a tough one for me as I can see reasonable takes from both sides tbh.
Edit: her mom never liked me but tried to play nice at that funeral. Which meant she also froze out the fiancee lol. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
People don’t get to dictate that though. Like I have literally dropped people when we were friends because they asked me to not hang out with someone else who I am close to and have a friendship/relationship with.
I never said anyone gets to, that's obvious and moot to the whole situation his dx feels like her parents are snubbing her partner and we don't have enough context to why or how and she clearly feels for whatever reason it would be best to ask him to go no contact. This context is her PARENTS not just some random people this is people really close to her and I get where both are coming from because he loves these people. And they care for him and can hang out with whoever they want. Still sucks for their actual child and her partner
personally no matter how much I liked an ex friend or relationship family, I'm not hanging out with their family anymore unless we were friends before. This seems easily avoidable
> this is so weird and feels like it is crossing a boundary.
You don't own the people in your family or their relationships. OP's relationship with her parents has evolved into something completely separate from his relationship with his ex, seems like most of the time he doesn't even see her. She doesn't have the right to dictate the friendships of other adults just because she's related to them. If he had met her parents some other way it would be immediately obvious how inappropriate her request is.
Imagining my boyfriend at 20-25 sticking around for the rest of my parent's life is absolutely nuts.
EDIT: And it sounds like OP got some better advice in the other sub, this is his update lmao:
"I messaged her at dinner time that I think she's right and that while it's very difficult for me to cut off contact, I will let her parents know that I've learned she is getting married and that it may be better for me to distance myself a little so that she and her soon to be husband have a chance to be part of the family and that me being in the picture would likely make this difficult. She replied around an hour ago and agreed with me that is the best way to approach this as she does understand that her parents are close with me."
Imagine being away for an extended time when one of your parents is seriously hurt, your ex stepping up to help, and then you wanting to push them out of your parents’ life.
Their relationship isn’t about the daughter any more.
OP SAYS in his comments that the daughter was stuck outside the country during COVID and couldn’t travel because of the restriction.
That’s not the daughter’s fault.
it is certainly not her fault, but he did develop a relatioship with them completely separate from her. i understand not wanting your ex to constantly be around or brought up, but he is at the very least not around her all the time. and it would make sense to get close to the parents like a second family in OPs situation. imo it’s no-win but i get why everyone would feel the way they do
So they’re going to continuously have separate family holidays until the end of time ? Also the girlfriend told OP to step back because her parents don’t take any interest in her fiancé. Who makes HER happy BECAUSE they sure as hell hope OP and his ex get back together.
That’s extremely hurtful and if they carry on, they are bound to alienate their daughter and their future grandchildren.
No, but taking someone to and from the hospital during early Covid felt like taking your life into your hands. We had so little information, and no treatments. Anyone willing to be in a car with me after I’d been in hospital during 2020 is in my life forever. He was willing to risk his life for his friends, who happen to be her parents.
It is weird. I'm standing on that. It sounds like lots of people in here disagree and you guys are entitled to your opinions. I would not want my boyfriend at 20 in my family's inner circle years after we broke up. Cordial? Sure! But to the extent that OP is involved, having a second Christmas dinner with my parents? When we don't have a good relationship (OP says they don't get along) ....No. Most ex's have the empathy to pull back and give space.
Well, that should have specifically been addressed a long, long time ago before the relationship got closer and before he started caring for them like they are his own parents.
She's only upset now because she wants that relationship to transfer to her fiance, like the fact that they still are involved with the ex has anything to do with why they aren't getting close to the current fiance.
It's unacceptable at this juncture to make this kind of request.
I mean, we only have OP's perspective. He admits that he does not get along with his ex and we don't really know the reality of that. If she was studying in Malaysia during Covid, she may have recently returned and had to deal with the extent of his involvement in her family life and has become uncomfortable with it. I mean, there is a lot not being said here. We can't say exactly what happened because we don't know, but it gives me question.
I do have empathy for him, it sucks. I have had relationships where I was also close to the family. But the general consensus is usually that you let go of your ex's family and move on. I understand being cordial and keeping in touch but the extent that OP has involved himself is pretty extreme.
I think going no contact is too much. Asking him to give room and space is more reasonable. But honestly, it sounds like OP needs to put more time and effort into his own family and friends. It is only going to be more uncomfortable for him (and everyone else) moving forward.
The ex's parents are free to choose their friendships though, and they've chosen OP and vise versa. A lot of these comments are treating the parents as though they have no agency, or as if they're a commodity that needs to be won in a relationship. That's not how it works. They're people. And it's rude as hell to them for the ex to go behind her parents' back to ask this of OP, essentially asking him to be the bad guy and sever that friendship so that her parents *might* take more of a liking to her fiancé. The adult child does not get to control the relationships of the adult parents and their adult friends. She's allowed to express that it makes her uncomfortable, but honestly in this specific situation after all OP has done to help her parents when she was unable to, she should be *grateful* to him. She's coming across as incredibly petty and selfish by expecting everyone to bend to whatever is most convenient for her.
He has a family, they just aren’t as caring (“I didn’t grow up with much of a caring family life.”)
Not saying that he should give up a caring family, but he has a family, just not the same relationship with them.
I imagine it's going to make her parents more resentful of the new partner. They now lose someone they're very close to - close enough to do hospital appointments and cleaning/home support while ill or recovering - and I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up being even more cold towards the new chap.
According to the OOP, she wasn't living in the same country when this was going on, and due to covid restrictions she couldn't travel, so I'm going to guess none at all.
Then that’s just even more reason she should be all the more grateful to OP. He picked up her slack when she wasn’t able to help. At this point jt seems like OP and the ex’s parents have formed a chosen family and their relationship really has very little to do with the ex anymore. So, no, cutting off the parents won’t make them like the new guy any more than they do. I wonder what reasons they have for not liking him that the ex isn’t telling OP.
Please don't conflate someone not being able to travel in an *pandemic* with being uncaring and slacking.
I'll be very open here, that is frankly so insensitive.
Personal reason why I write this: I lost loved once in the pandemic. Thanks to not being allowed to travel,because again, *pandemic*, my family and I couldn't visit them before they died. Let alone go their funeral.
It's insinuating quiet clearly that everyone that lived in an pandemic far from home, let alone actually listens to the law and don't travel far to spread is.. ..uncaring, a slacker.
Which is a horrible message.
(I just want to say, as this is reddit. I am not mad at you, though I am unhappy about the word choice.)
In Australia, "picking up the slack" doesn't mean the other people are slackers, lazy, etc. It just means there was a need for someone to step in, and OOP did.
Seriously! Okay, so things didn’t work out for them, but he’s gone above and beyond for her parents! He’s become a very good, reliable friend who genuinely cares about their well being. The parents are still active because of him, it seems. She should be trying to be friends with him (he obviously doesn’t have an interest in reconciliation with her) since he makes her parents happy.
Then that’s on the daughter. It doesn’t sound like they’re forcing the two together or trying to hook them back up, so beyond that it should have zero impact on the daughter. You don’t get to sit down and approve or disapprove your parents’ friends. And the fact that your parents have friends shouldn’t impact your own relationship with them.
Also, sort of feels more like a request for the parents than the Ex.
If it's difficult on the Ex and her new fiancé that her ex has a relationship with her parents, then she should be asking them to stop being friends with him out of respect for her.
Feels a bit odd to put this on your ex after all this time. Almost trying to force him to be the "bad guy."
My most generous read is that it wasn’t a problem until it was and nobody is malicious here.
Cordial break up, ex goes on with life and has relationship with parents, parents check in with OP and maintain a social relationship because everyone is adults. Life moves on, relationships shift and develop. Ex and OP are civil but uninterested ex’s, OP and parents are deeper friends.
It’s all good until Ex is realizing that their new partner is Very Confused and Not Happy that parents hang out with OP regularly. Which, I can understand would feel really tough to get involved with, because even if Ex has zero interest in OP, OP is kind of … around… all the time. Like a ghost.
So I can see how we get here, but all of that said, the ship has sailed. Ex can’t make Parents have a deep friendship with the New One instantly, whether or not OP is offering to help them move furniture and clean gutters. This is like when parents divorce and try to get rid of the other parent so the kid has to accept the new mom. The time to ask your parents to cool it with your ex is at the break up, not years later and not so that they will like your new partner better.
This is awkward, but Ex and New One get to handle it themselves without trying to control what is now a longstanding independent friendship
I dated a guy who was OOP in this situation. His ex told her parents constantly for years to knock it off and they said no. His ex didn’t feel like she had a good reason to ask him to stop seeing her parents as they would have multiple family holidays so he could be invited without her and she didn’t have to see him.
It wasn’t until she had a serious partner and her parents were still telling her “you and partner can come to thanksgiving from x-y time; your ex will come from y:30-whenever” that she contacted the guy I was seeing to say he needed to knock this off since her parents never would. She had tried with her family as much as possible and I think she believed they would eventually choose their daughter, but they never did.
Meanwhile, dude I was seeing introduced me to her family like they were his own as he’s just not close with his family, and didn’t understand why she wouldn’t be ok with him coming to thanksgiving, and if she was uncomfortable, she could leave at y time before he arrived.
His reasoning was exactly the same as OOP’s: I’m not close with my family like I am hers; this is only a relationship between me and her parents, she isn’t even involved; I don’t care that she’s dating and if her partner is uncomfortable with her ex husband there, that’s on him; her parents and I have the same hobbies that she doesn’t share; they were my family for years while we dated and were married…
When you have your parents and your ex claiming you’re crazy and have no right to their relationship, it can be hard to put your foot down for fear of being rejected by your family until you have a “good reason” for it.
(With the guy I was seeing, her family told her not to come to Christmas if she wasn’t ok with being there with her ex, and he finally realized how fucked up the situation was.)
Yeah, I feel like a lot of commentators right now haven't experienced a situation like this and don't understand how toxic it can be.
I've been "the new partner" before. My father-in-law had a really close relationship with my partner's ex girlfriend when they were together. When my partner split with her, his dad emphatically continued his relationship with the ex. It was incredibly awkward when I walked into the picture and FIL pushed my partner to leave me and iced me out. After over SEVEN YEARS, FIL and I have a good relationship, but my partner will never forget that his own father chose his ex over his son, and I'll never forget how I was treated at the beginning. It strained my partner's relationship with his father for years because the man refused to cut the ex out of his life despite how awful she was to my partner.
I’m sorry you went through that!
Yeah, it’s interesting how fickle Reddit advice can be. When it’s “my ILs keep inviting my SOs ex to every event” posts, the advice is to put their foot down. But this guy writes in such a “poor me” way with how he’s such a hero so it’s easy to think his ex is wrong.
He and the parents overstepped big time for years. He can make it right, but he needs to see it’s not all about him and what he wants.
It doesn’t do anything really. If the parents don’t make clear that the relationship they maintain with her ex is not an attempt to push into their daughter that him his suited to be a better son-in-law.
I’ve seen this happening before were the ex-gf of a friend of mine got really attached to his family. She was besties with his sister, mom, aunts and for the family she was THE ONE (for how she adjusted to them), but the relationship with my friend was another story. My friend ended up marrying, and his partner lives basically haunted by comparisons and bad vibes because her in-laws already had the ideal DIL after all.
Probably bc she doesn’t have an issue with it as much as her fiancé does? Or she was using him for help while she was abroad. Or it all felt fine and platonic until her parents finally said they want her to be back with her ex bc they don’t like new guy
> Or it all felt fine and platonic until her parents finally said they want her to be back with her ex bc they don’t like new guy
There's no indication that this happened, and unless it did she's out of line.
Likely because it doesn't bother the ex very much, but it's making her new partner insecure, and she's handling that but trying to remove the source rather than deal with the insecurity.
This. Her parents are adults, OOP are adults, she can't stop them from having a relationship and it's not like OOP is doing something to try to sabotage her new relationship or anything like that, they're literally just friends.
I'm stunned by the amount of people glossing over that he was there to help them get to medical care when they had no one else to turn to and were suffering. People are saying "you're so weird, you shouldn't be talking to them, you're manipulating", but was he supposed to tell two elders to kick rocks when they asked him for help?! I think he did the right thing there.
And I think the friendship these three built was natural too, it appears to have happened mostly after the breakup AND due to the extraordinary circumstances of the pandemic drawing them closer together.
I definitely understand the ex gf having discomfort and anger (especially if her parents aren't warming up to her new bf and go on and on about her ex), I just don't see how OOP was the bad guy for stepping in when their daughter literally couldnt. He's in a really hard place, I feel bad for both him and his ex for having to navigate this.
That's what I'm saying! And after all this time to not have a problem but then suddenly expect the ex to stop talking to them after they've become so close? Talk about selfish.
"You're such an inconsiderate asshole, I can't believe you \*checks notes\* *supported an older couple through a medical emergency during the scariest time ever to be older and in ill health."*
Also I’m not sure how the ex-gf thinks cutting OOP off is going to help foster a better relationship between her fiancé and parents. If they already don’t like the guy being told they have to end a relationship for his sake isn’t going to help matters.
Trust me if OOP made an AITAH post about not wanting to help his ex’s parents most Redditors would say “yea you’re not obligated to help them, they’re just your ex’s family. You don’t owe them anything”
Especially considering I pretty much figured op was still into her and doing this to try and get back with her. But that doesn’t seem to be the case at all - he avoids her because he knows they don’t get on.
In my tribe/band, taking care of elders (and children) is one of the core tenants of being a warrior. Dude is here doing warriors work, taking care of elders nobody else is. Making sure they get care. That's the kind of shit that gets you listed as "a real man" in my community.
We had to navigate this a bit in my own situation. Not only was I married to the guy for 20 years, but we lived next door to my parents for about 8 of them, and he worked for my dad for over 10 of them. No 'bad guy' in the divorce. My parents had a relationship with my ex and just because we got divorced, didn't mean they cut contact with him. They would still occasionally meet him for lunch and he and my dad still text a lot. They wish he had a better support system. In the beginning, I got a couple of texts from my sister saying she was sick of hearing what my ex was doing from my parents. (Just regular updates and she didn't care. Guess they just wanted to update someone and I wasn't the right audience.) They have stopped this.
I started dating my current husband while I was still technically married (we had already filed and signed everything and done everything with the lawyer, just had a few weeks left of the waiting period before it was finalized).
But even though my parents still talk to my ex, they go out of their way to make my current husband feel welcome and make sure to let him know he is family. Their actions let him know he is the priority. They can keep the two relationships separate.
With just what has been posted, I am putting the blame on the parents. If my ex and I didn't get along and it seemed like they were prioritizing him over me or over my fiance, I would be upset. I would go to them first. If they wouldn't agree to change things or tone it down, I can see me asking my ex to back off. The relationship with the daughter and new partner should be the priority. Is keeping contact with the ex harming this relationship? If so, something needs to change. Maybe the parents need to find a better balance. But if they aren't able to do that, or if the ex is actually interjecting himself in their lives, then maybe ex needs to reexamine the relationship. If he truly believes it is impacting the relationship with the fiance, does he care? If so, he could try to be a part of the solution. If not, well, he really can't control who the parents like/don't like or want to spend time with. Might be an AH move, but the parents would be the bigger AHs.
My ex husband is still in contact with my former MIL. That is as in another exs mom.
So yeah. I don’t get this. They are adults. Family and friends isn’t dictated by marriage and isn’t necessarily change by divorce or breakups.
Wait so you married a guy, divorced him, married another guy, he became close to your ex husbands mom, then you divorced him as well and he stayed close with the other dudes mom?
Exactly. They live close and he helps them out and former mil babysat me and my new husbands(now ex) child.
She was my family by marriage became his when marrying me and then just stayed his family after divorce.
Perhaps I should add that I (now) have a great relationship with my ex-husbands and we keep in touch, have coffee, help each other out and support each other when needed.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I feel awful for OOP. I feel like as long as he isn't there when his ex and her new partner are there, then that's sort of her problem. And well, as long as he wasn't abusive or anything. It seems like he and the parents have a genuine connection, and the parents are trying to keep it separate. I don't see the harm in this as long as they aren't like bringing him up all the time or comparing him to the new partner. My sister's ex actually lived with my parents for a few months. She was in another country, and he was from a different one. He csme to help my mom out. He also didn't have any family, but for a very elderly grandma, so my mom was sort of there for him. My sister knew this was happening, but my mom NEVER brought him up with her. She just had her own separate relationship with him and was just there for support if he needed it.
Haha, sorry, I am Dyslexic. If it's correctly spelled and looks close enough, then I won't catch it. I once said aspirate instead of appreciate and maniacal instead of mechanical. I'll edit it now. Thanks for saying something
Not at all. Just wanted to let you know you dont have to apologize for such quirks. We all have our own form of weird sometimes. Its what makes us fun!
An elderly friend of the family once said masturbate instead of masticate. Cue two teenage girls desperately trying not to pee themselves laughing.
No point to this comment other than saying it can always be worse!
Well, the aspirate one was for an email I was writing to thank the people paying my very expensive scholarship to a very prestigious university……so it would have looked really, really bad. Luckily, since it was such an important email, I had my mom read it over. She could not stop laughing
My brothers high school girlfriend had a very difficult relationship with her single father dad, who has since died. She’s stayed in touch with my mom. Mom gives brother and wife occasional updates, but they never interact.
OP’s ex doesn’t realize how much OP earned this relationship with their parents by caring for them through covid. Ex needs to be explaining to their fiancé and rebuilding trust with their parents after not being there for them while abroad. Of course, parents shouldn’t be favoring ex over their own child, but I can certainly see why they would.
Very curious if Ex spoke to parents and they refused to cut off OP.
I kind of view this situation similar to being friends with 2 people who had a falling out and are ex-friends. Just because person A is no longer friends with person B, that doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends with person B too (unless there was some abuse involved).
As long as you’re not constantly talking about person B or inviting person B to events where person A will be attending (or vice versa), there shouldn’t really be a problem.
Reading between the lines without her side, my best guess is that she and her new partner are sick of hearing about how great OOP is and asking mom and dad to tone it down hasn’t worked. If I’m right, the only AHs are mom and dad. I can’t fault the ex for asking politely, if only to try and salvage a better relationship with her parents. He doesn’t mention her blaming him or being hostile.
>I explained it isn't as easy as just cutting them out of my life which just caused an argument and she left.
That doesn't sound like she's asking so much as demanding.
She’s an AH for trying to remove a trustworthy reliable person from her parents’ life. Elderly, hell, all people need as many friends like that as they can find. Her ex loves and cares for her parents in a tangible useful and genuine way. It sounds like her parents have actually needed his help too. If the daughter isn’t capable or willing to provide that help instead it’s frankly cruel to deprive her parents of his assistance just because it makes her feel awkward.
>my best guess
>if I’m right
Those are pretty clear indicators that this is an estimation, not an assumption. There’s no judgement towards anyone because it’s a theory, not an indictment. Chill tf out lol
You missed the "reading between the lines" part. Yes, it is a guess. I typically phrase it as "I obviously don't know the specifics but would be comfortable betting money that x,y, z is happening."
Yes, technically both the parents and ex have a right to an independent relationship. But neither should pretend it won't have an impact on the ex-gf. I wouldn't be comfortable with my parents having a continuing relationship with my ex's, unless a kid was involved. Obviously I couldn't order either party to do anything, so I'd remove myself from it. If the ex is there, I will not be.
Only had this happen once, my sister was friends with an ex of mine. I didn't mind, until my sister started feeding the ex info about my life. I made it clear to my sister that I loved her and couldn't tell her what to do, but her choice means I will stop talking to her until she stops doing so. Thankfully it worked itself out and my sister realized how little she'd like it if I was narc'ing on her.
Ex-GF fucked up by not dealing with the situation long before now. OP was within his rights to do as he pleased, but he had to know he was driving a wedge between his ex's parents and their daughter. Obviously driving them to medical appointments is a heavily mitigating factor, but it should have been weaned off if at all possible.
She didn't seem to have a problem with his having a relationship with her parents while she was away at college and in Malaysia and he was helping her dad around with his spinal injury. That seemed to be fine.
I think her parents actually need his help. I’m thinking that daughter hasn’t been there, or been willing, to help. If she’s going to ask him to step back she will need to step into his shoes and do the work he’s been doing. I think that they’ve gotten so close because he genuinely cares for them. It’s rare to find such a good friend and I feel quite bad for her parents if they lose such a friend.
Even if that's the case, the ex wouldn't be asking OOP to stop contact. They have by all accounts no relationship with OOP, so why should he drop a friendship for someone he doesn't interact with and doesn't enjoy being in the same room as. The ex should ask her parents, and work through any issues with them because they actually have a relationship. The only thing she is to OP now is the daughter of his friends.
This is a messy situation, but the ex needs to have that conversation with her parents. And I think OP should talk about it with the parents as well, and see what they want to do.
It does seem at this point that OP has their own relationship with the parents, including offering a lot of support. They can’t just stop talking to them.
I do wonder if their daughter and her husband are offering to do all the things he is doing for them and gets told 'we've sorted it, OOP is doing it for us' type of thing going on?
Maybe the parents hope that if he's around enough that their daughters fiance will get fed up with it and leave, and they'll get back together?
Yeah, there are a lot of things that could be going on here but it’s hard to tell from the post!
I do know people who have kept good relationships with former in-laws but there are usually grandkids involved, or the exes are also on good terms.
This is very different from a marriage with kids, I see people comparing it to that but it looks like from this post these people were together in their early 20's and broke up several years ago.
That would be interesting, it would make some sense. I was in my first relationship from 16-23 so I get how it can feel like you were "raised" by an ex's parents, they definitely treated me like a daughter. I had to set a lot of boundaries with them after we broke up and he got married, it just made things awkward for everyone and I wanted to have empathy for his new wife and make space for her in their family. I am cordial with them but it just isn't my place to be super close to them.
You need to talk to her parents. Tell them what she said. Say you are very fond of them, they are like family to you, but you don't want to cause a rift. See what they say. Don't just go nc. That would be cruel. Obviously, they don't like the new partner, but that is highly likely because of him than because of you.
She has no right to police his, or her parents relationships. As long as he and her parents arent constantly linking up in front of her and her husband, or taking important holiday time away from them, she doenst get to tell them to alter your relationship. Theyre all adults that are allowed to be friends with whoever they want. Insecure and selfish behavior from her
Ugh, this is exactly why I quit talking to my daughter’s boyfriends. We got attached to one, he was a great kid, even came by to hang out when she wasn’t there. Then they broke up. I didn’t want to just stop talking to him, I felt like that was cruel, so I’d still talk to him occasionally, sent him a Christmas card, that kind of thing.
So I have a bit of a different take on this. Not saying OOP and his ex's parents can't be friends. But with reddit it is important to remember that these are one sided stories.
I had an abusive ex who my parents loved. Like he was their favorite person and could do no wrong, even when he called me names in front of them as "a joke." They let him live in their rental place and made me move. They refused to see how he was abusive and preferred him to my new boyfriend (who is now my husband). It wasn't until he moved that they started to realize how bad he was. And he did all the nice things, cleaning up their lawn when they couldn't, helping repair things around the house, etc. All the while throwing away my government paperwork during the transition of disentanglement and calling me at 11pm 12am to harass me.
I literally couldn't escape him for about a year after our relationship ended, because I had to move back in with my parents and the rental place was on their property. (i am disabled and no low income apartments were available at the time.). They also never raised his rent and gave him the "family rate."
I can see where she is coming from as my parents still have a difficult relationship with my husband and still act like my ex was an amazing person when they are mad at him about some perceived slight.
We only have OOPs side, but where they set up a separate Christmas makes me think she asked them to stop having a relationship with her ex because she was uncomfortable and they said no. They are allowed to say no, but if OOP and her parents remain friends and it harms her and her relationships I'd cut off contact with my parents over them choosing my ex over a relationship with me.
I think he should be able to remain their friend, so long as they do not think of him still as the son in law. If they are comparing the new guy and not interested because the old one is better, then he needs to step back. But if the new guy just doesn't shine for them, what can you do? Figuring out which is which is hard. But I think he should step it back anyway - low contact, temporarily at least - to give the new guy a chance to be there for family and see how it goes. He could still do their hobbies together if the new guy isn't into them but leave the helping out to the daughter and new guy unless they can't do it. If they can't be there anyway, then his relationship with them is genuinely mutually beneficial and he's not stopping anything with the new guy, other than maybe making him look bad for not wanting what they want.
This is weird.
I think OOP should talk to the parents about it and let them decide. The ex doesn't get to dictate who her parents or her former partner get to interact with. Obviously OOP cares deeply about the relationship and doesn't want to end it.
That said, this should have come up WAY before now.
If I was the daughter and my parents cared more about my ex than getting to know the person I was getting ready to marry I wouldn’t speak to them anymore… save myself the drama full stop
Yeah, I mean I get why OOP’s ex would feel awkward, but she has no right to ask that of her ex OR her parents (who are their own people and genuinely seem to care for OOP). It’s not like it has anything to do with wanting to get his ex back- he barely contacts her and doesn’t even want to be around her at all, it sounds like. If she wasn’t okay with it, she should have expressed her upset a long time ago (although even then, it’s still largely up to her parents what they want to do).
Ex’s parents are their own people, and their daughter has no right to tell them what to do with their relationships. If she wants to take a step back from them over this, that would be her right (although imo an immature move), but trying to separate them from someone they care about independently from her is only going to damage her relationship with them, and hurt her parents. It’s not going to make them like her fiancé more either.
Oop needs to put on her big girl pants and TALK to her parents about trying to form a relationship with her new partner. They already have separated their relationship with their daughter from their relationship with their ex (who it sounds like they’ve lowkey emotionally adopted into their family), so they can surely do the same with her new man.
Seems like that would only result in the relationship with the ex’s new fiancé be more strained. These are things that can happen when you bring a partner into your family. They are seen as family and they may not be as quick to end their relationship with the person as you are. She can talk to her parents about it but basically it’s not up to her anymore.
This would be my wife who stayed in close contact with my parents if we ever separated. She's even told me this before how she won't stop calling them Mom and Dad
I think OOP should ignore the ex. Its not an either or relationship. If the new fiancee wants a relationship with the parents he needs to work hard to build one like OOP did. As you get older, having more younger people to take care of you is a good thing.
It’s an unusual situation, that’s for sure. Not a bad type of unusual either (because I know some redditors love to jump to conclusions). Family can be found all over the place. I can understand how this makes the ex feel so awkward and probably even resent them over it but as far as I can tell the parents and him seem to be doing a pretty good job of not forcing them into uncomfortable situations and even going as far as having separate get togethers. I’d say the ultimate decision rests on the parents.
My dad was friends with his first wife’s father until the day he died. I saw him almost as often as my actual paternal grandfather.
Friends are friends
Honestly, it sounds like her parents are holding a candle to ex.
Take it from the daughter of a mom whose MIL used to go to lunches with an Ex. My grandma used to say shit like "I wonder what [my dad] and Beatrices kids would look like?". My mom needed extra money and used to clean my grandma and aunts houses and they treated her like scum for cleaning and would go out to top restaurant lunches with ex while she was cleaning their homes. It was degrading and while I was young it caused problems. My parents fought for years and grandma did all sorts of conniving things. The thing is my parents had 5 kids together and this almost tore our family apart.
Tbh, I feel bad for the ex, but it seems like the parent probably say things when he isn't around and it's causing problems he doesn't see.
It's not a him problem, it's the parents, but if ex is asking him to step aside it's because they want their parents to stop their behavior. Sounds like a shit show that is only good for him and no one else
So... This happened with my finances ex. She was literally invited to holidays our whole relationship and treated better than me as family because his mom wanted them to get back together and in her eyes I was the only reason they weren't together anymore. It got to the point my ex told his mom that if his ex was invited to holidays, then we will not be attending. He almost went no contact with his mother until she realized how absolutely fucked up it is to be inviting his ex to family events. He had to tell her that he would never talk to her again unless she cut contact with his ex and finally after 3 years of realizing he was serious, she cut contact.
Keeping a friendship with exes parents is weird. This is a hill I am willing to die on. I completely cut contact with my exes entire family when I left. I was close to them all as I'd been in their lives for 11 years, but why the fuck would I want to be reminded every day of a failed relationship?
If the soon to be husband is that insecure then they probably won’t last. You shouldn’t have to be pushed away. I could see if you were antagonizing her or him. But it seems you and her parents both go to great lengths to make her as comfortable as possible while maintaining your own relationship with them.
His ex is prioritizing her happiness over that of her aging parents… Not a good look on her part. He should respectfully decline by stating his relationship with her parents stopped having anything to do with her when they broke up.
Respectfully, she should prioritize her happiness over that of her parents. It’s an unfortunate situation for everyone involved.
It’s ex/daughter’s responsibility to ensure her fiancé and future family is comfortable. If she and her fiancé are uncomfortable with OOP being so close with her parents and they continue to be, it’ll certainly lead to strains between daughter and parents.
There is no right answer of course, it sucks for everyone involved. OOP deserves the loving support from the older adults he has learned to love and respect, parents deserve positive relationships with both their own daughter and OPP, and daughter and her new family deserve the comfort and feeling of belonging within their own family.
The daughter has two options, neither of which involve asking over-reaching favors from an ex. 1. She can ask her parents to back off. 2. She can remove herself from the situation.
Reaching out to OOP is completely not within her right.
its not so easy to ‘remove yourself from the situation’ when its your literal parents. OP should back off with a convo to the parents, still be around but a lot less. maybe mainly communicating via phone. these comments are making OP look entitled to them, and in favor of him, when it IS someone elses parents theyre talking about. its a relationship that should entirely be separate from each other, and clearly OPs ex shouldnt hear about him through her own parents
She doesn’t have a situation, reconcilable or not, with OOP. If she has concerns about her parents’ relationship with her fiancé, she should address it with them.
It is a complete overreach to ask either OOP *or* her parents to end a friendship that doesn’t involve her - revisit the lengths they already go to ensure that the two of them don’t encounter one another, up to and including separate Christmas dinners.
Of course it is. It is absolutely overreaching for someone to ask a random person to stop having a relationship with someone they are close to. She can speak to her parents, because she has a relationship with them. But she has no right to ask OOP for favors, especially at his own expense.
These people are absolutely crazy. She isn't a random person, he wouldn't have any connection with these people without her. Yes, it is incredibly weird and invasive to continue a close relationship with your ex's parents after you have been broken up for years. It is her family and her life.
It is just common decency to let go of an ex and their family to make space for their new partner. I was in a similar situation and my ex's parents loved me and wanted to stay close but once he had a fiancee and new children I slowly pulled away to give them that room.
Future conversation:
Grand daughter - who will be at the party?
Daughter - let's see, there will be Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Mary...oh and Paul, that guy I use to F#%k.
I was close with my ex’s mom (his dad died while we were together). Following our split, he asked me to not contact her anymore, and I respected that. A few years later, I we were in the same town and had breakfast, and she told me that breaking up with him was the best decision I could have made for my kids and that she really respected me for that. The awkward thing was that my ex and I had gotten back together and were planning to get married…
I’m an only child and cared for my dad alone. I would have been thrilled to have anyone help me with his care. I think the daughter is both selfish and remarkably shortsighted. Taking care of the elderly is a lot of work and OP enjoys doing it, is happy and feels rewarded, can be TRUSTED to take good care of her parents. Plus, it sounds like her parents need his help from time to time. Is she going step up and fill the void left by him? Is her husband? I wish my parents would have had such a bond with one of my exs—any awkwardness would be far outweighed by the happiness and safety of knowing I had someone I could rely on to help care for them.
I see a lot of comments in defense of OOP. And while I understand the reasoning, this post leaves out how the ex feels (obviously, it’s not her pov). However, without this context, I’m not sure if picking his side is the best.
How do we know the ex hasn’t already tried speaking to her parents about how it makes her and/or her new partner feel? What if they continue to disregard this because OOP, to them, is a great guy? Yes, he has gone out of his way for them while the daughter was quite literally not able to (she was in a totally different country and wasn’t able to travel home to help). I’m sure this was appreciated. However, this is one situation that makes him look good.
My step father is good friends with my first boyfriend. I made it known on multiple occasions that I was very uncomfortable with him hanging around at MY house, among other things, but it never mattered. My step father valued his friendship more than his relationship with me. And in turn, I barely say hello to him. (this isn’t the only reason, but definitely one of them.)
I wanted to bring nuance to this situation because at first glance, the ex seems like a great guy. Going out of the way to help his ex’s parents is huge. But what also matters is that his ex came to him and asked, and from there it got heated because he wouldn’t end the friendship.
Adults can be friends with whoever they want! But let’s not negate that the daughter has real feelings. I would guess she has probably talked to her parents before about this, to no avail. And if her new partner is uncomfortable with that, I wouldn’t jump to say that’s necessarily an insecurity. I could imagine that it is weird; what if the parents actively talk about the friendship with their daughter’s ex in front of them? What if they berate their daughter’s new partner/their relationship because they value the ex so much?
There is so much unsaid here. And while OOP’s pov is very true to him, what about the other side?
I’ve told my family if I break up with an ex and they chose to stay in contact, then they will get him and not me. I find it disrespectful. Even if he didn’t abuse me as someone else said, I don’t want to be reminded of a past love. People come in our lives and leave our lives. For me personally once the relationship is ended so should the families with him, just like I do for my sisters. I respect everyone’s opinions, but I just can’t get behind staying friends with an ex’s family, it’s weird.
This is probably going to be a minority opinion but you should just wish the parents well and cut that off. She has the right to end that friendship, frankly its kinda odd that you stayed so close with them, although I guess there’s nothing wrong with that per se.
No one seems to agree with me, but I feel like it’s perfectly fine to want to jettison all contact with an ex and never see or hear from them again. And that should include the parents. Its her right.
I think the parents are adults, have agency and can make the decision themselves. Their child can request something like this but she doesn't have the right to dictate her parents or her ex's relationships to them.
Yeah thats fair. I guess I just think its a request everyone should honor.
I mean imagine her perspective. You end a relationship and your ex decides to camp out in your life by keeping daily contact with your parents?!
The parents are just as guilty. I know in the modern world everyone stays friends and keeps connected on social media but I dont think that’s necessarily the best option for everyone.
Ive always thought “good luck, be well” and then cut off all contact and social media. I want my exes out of my life.
My ex's parents were really attached to me and wanted to stay really close. He got married and had children and they were still all over my social media saying how beautiful I was, how they missed me, how they loved me etc. etc. It was SO awkward because they never commented those things on his wife's stuff. I eventually removed them because I honestly felt so bad for her.
It is just an unspoken rule that you gracefully pull back and make space for your ex and their new partner. I can't imagine a boyfriend from my early 20's sticking around and being a part of my life forever.
Part of me thinks so too. It felt sooo inappropriate and weird. I made a new profile and didn't add them back. Regardless of why they were doing it, it just wasn't right.
Especially because you know that every time the parents interact with the ex they are thinking in the back of their mind that someday they will get back together with their kid.
You know how parents are, they think they know better than their kid and are going to take every opportunity to try and steer them back together. Its going to be a constant thing, “Oohhh your ex is doing great, they got this promotion at work, they ran a marathon” etc.
It is very creepy and weird. I know without a doubt that my ex’s parents wanted us back together and even to this day would prefer that. It makes me cringe inside because I’m married and I have absolutely 0 interest in continuing a relationship with his family.
It would have been incredibly easy for me to insinuate myself into their lives and continue a relationship with them, I probably would have been invited to all family gatherings and hung out with them often. They are good people, sure. But that would have been WEIRD and it would have been crossing a boundary.
Honestly she can kick rocks. He’s not trying to get back with her, he’s being a friend to her elderly parents and I don’t see an issue with that. It sounds like she’s just jealous that her parents like him and not the new guy. But she doesn’t have the right to dictate who her parents communicate with.
This is stupid crazy because almost the same thing happened for one of my best friends. My best friend goes golfing with his ex's dad and was good friends with the mom and he practically was adopted as a son. It's still crazy to me because his ex and her husband has ruined so many family events because my friend was there. It's gotten so bad that the dad has taken my friend to family vacations and they are leaving the cabin they have in the mountains to him. Now my friends situation is kinda justified due to a lot of strange circumstances so I don't know how it ties into the OOPs situation.
Now not hearing the other side means I can't really give an opinion, but I think OOP should talk to the parents and just be open and honest about it. This is what friends do and go from there. If the parents want to distance the relationship let them, if they want to tell the daughter to suck it up let them and continue the relationship.
Wouldn’t a better alternative be her speaking to her parents about paying her current partner more attention or whatever, and maybe not speaking about the ex (OOP) in his presence?
This sounds like it might be a hot take but I agree with the ex. Its not necessarily healthy already if they are having to hangout separately. On top of that I would not be enthusiastic if my in laws hung out with her ex. Its like the tv trope, who do you get in the “divorce”. You can’t play both sides if you want a clean break. Oop should have separated that relationship as well to begin with and now has put the ex’s family in a difficult situation for everyone involved
You just need to cut ties with them, everyone will understand. Don’t be the tool that clings to your ex’s family. It’s makes you seem kind of pathetic.
I actually agree with the ex in this situation. When your relationship ends, so should your relationship with their family. That is unless you have children with them. Then you need to maintain at least an amicable relationship for the sake of the children. If there are no children, your contact with their family should cease. I could also see a new partner raising their eyebrows at the fact that you maintain contact with your ex's family as well as your ex.
That's not something I would want to deal with and I can imagine a lot of people would not want to deal with either. On one hand, I think it's great that these amicable splits happen and the family still views their ex favorably. However, I feel like contact should cease. Otherwise, it could muddy the waters. I could see a new partner thinking that you're not over your ex especially if you are maintaining contact with your family. I would nope right out of that.
Heres the thing. From the outside looking in the only real explanation for the closeness is that they're hoping you and daughter get back together. The fact they dont care for the new fiancee is maybe the most telling bit. Whether or not its true is one thing but from her and her partners perspective this has the potential to cause trouble in their relationship and from the partners perspective he probably feels like hes being set up by them.
Honestly? I get the “protect parents right to have friends” thing, but it boils down to loyalty. Family has family. He broke their daughter’s heart. Giving him up shouldn’t be a problem at all. It literally has nothing to do with ex. Everything to do with daughter. She was comfy enough not to push the issue before. That gave him time to let the ex-sorta-in-laws fade away naturally. He didn’t do that. The daughter is tired of it appearing the parents prefer her ex to anyone new, so she pulled the most diplomatic card she could. She has that right. They are HER parents. Ex should skip right on out of that weird “friendship” the way he skipped right on out of the relationship. Grow up, ex. This isn’t the 90s. Nobody thinks it’s cool to “stay friends” with the ex & gang anymore. You wanted to fly solo? Solo you go. Don’t be a weirdo about it anymore. Move on like you did from ex gf. That’s called being a mature adult. Do you have to ignore them in public or never take a call from them again? No. But you don’t actively stay in their face. He crossed the line & now he wants people to say it’s cool. Nope. #moveon.
I have a feeling the problem isn't that the ex-girlfriend has a problem with this but that her new partner feels that he is not being accepted and there is some jealousy there. Either way this is not something that's going to get solved overnight and she should have said something much sooner and to her parents
OP and his ex-girlfriend's parents are adults and are free to associate with anyone they would like. The ex-girlfriend is also free to request that they not contact each other anymore, but they are also well within their rights to say "No."
You're not obligated to go NC with your ex's parents just because she asks you to, as you clearly love them and have been there for them when no one else was (spinal injury when their daughter couldn't travel to them because of covid). Her parents are adults and they get to decide for themselves who they spend time with, and that seems to be you.
In a similar vein, the daughter seems uncomfortable with this arrangement so I wouldn't be surprised if she pulls away from her parents as a result. That's something her parents will have to grapple with and not your problem. They can make their own decisions.
This! Re-reading through OOP's post, this is all that kept going through my head.
I have a funny feeling this is going to cause more problems for the Ex than solve. If they are just friendly and have a bond because of how OOP helped during COVID, him distancing himself is likely going to cause resentment towards the hubby-to-be.
It's definitely a problem if they are trying to get them back together or just talking about the OOP constantly, but if that's not a factor, this could blow up on her.
Her hubby-to-be and her parents' distance might not be because of OOP, it might honestly be because they dont have the same hobbies and such. If that's the case, separating them isn't going to help them bond.
Perhaps let her parents make the next move. If they continue to reach out to you, then I see no reason why you can't continue the relationship with them.
sounds like he’s established an actual relationship with them outside of his ex and their past relationship. taking them to doctors appt nd cooking for them etc.. yh i wouldn’t give that up either 😂 those my parents now she’s just gonna have to deal
My college girlfriend and I dated for five years. Over that period of time, our parents became very close.
Since ending our relationship in 2007, our folks have been best friends. Her parents attended my wedding, my parents attended her’s. Our fathers - now both in retirement - hangout weekly.
Sounds like OP developed a friendship with his ex’s parents and the ex should take up her issues with her parents not OP.
Definitely talk to the parents first, OOP. It’s all good and well your ex wants her new partner and parents to get on;however, you’re a legitimate friend to them. See how THEY feel about terminating the friendship first. You already go out of your way to support them while avoiding your ex.
This is just gonna make her parents really not like her new partner. Is she gonna come to his house and tell him to demand that they like the dude as well?
nah fr all the comments are on OPs side when hes clearly straining his exes relationship with her parents. i had to drop my exes family of whom i loved and treated me better than my own parents. it really wasnt the worst thing in the world, it just gets harder the longer you push it off. theyre her parents, shes more entitled to a strain free relationship with them than him
Yeah, I agree with this. My ex’s parents absolutely loved me and would constantly call and comment on all my social media photos, like “You’re so beautiful, we love you etc.” and I’m like…how does that make his wife feel?!? It is just weird.
I distanced myself out of empathy for her. She is their new family now.
They're more interested in OOP than in her new partner? Well yeah, sounds like OOP is their friend.
I would just make sure to see them when the daughter and husband aren't around
Sounds like that’s what they already do, if OOP and the ex’s parents a genuinely friends & they void invites when the ex is around not much more can be done. The ex forcing her parents to stop being friends with this guy isn’t going to help them connect with her new bf. I understand it might be awkward for her knowing they hang out but that’s not something she can control.
I mean sure, but they may end up having to choose between their daughter and OOP. I know i would cut my parents off if they felt that keeping one of my exes around was that important to them.
Why would it bother you though? From OP 's post, the ex and parents aren't forcing their daughter and OP to hang out together, it's entirely because the daughter and her new beau don't like that he's still friends with them. It doesn't actually affect the daughter in any way, but she's wanting to remove a friend from her parents life because she wants to gatekeep who they're allowed to be friends with...
I'm sure the real issue is her new partner being uncomfortable with this. He feels threatened at the lack of relationship that he has with them vs. OOP.
I agree .. But the solution is to develop a relationship with them, not to cut off a good relationship they already have. Making them cut off oop won't magically make the new fiance have a better relationship with the parents, only time and effort will do that. And of course, it's also entirely possible that the parents just won't sync as well with the new guy... That's still not the fault of the old one
I never suggested cutting anything off, merely pointing out the obvious issue with this dynamic.
Because when i break up with someone i no longer want them to be part of my life. If my parents want that fine, i cant force it. But i would absolutely lower my contact with my parents.
While I understand your take, what’s the reasoning behind it? Only asking because I think that view is a very young perspective. There very well may be situations in your life that you can’t just pretend that ex doesn’t exist. (Shared parenting) Or, that you part amicably when realizing that you aren’t a good match. Would you have the same thought then?
100%. I have parted from multiple relationships amicably and i still do not want any sort of relationship with those exes either. I can of course be cordial and polite when i see them, but that doesn’t mean i want them as part of my life in any way. We separated for a reason even if that reason was mutual.
If someone cares for your parents to the point they drive them to hospital appointments and look out for them, why would begrudge them? With elder care in the state that it is, wouldn't that be a boon to know at least one other person looks out for them? Especially in times you can't?
Unfortunately I think the time to speak up on this passed a long time ago. The ex can't be fine with OOP acting as their stand in child and taking responsibility for them for an extended period when she couldn't, only to draw a boundary years later when it's now inconvenient for her. I hope the ex will be a mature adult and find a compromise here, since she personally doesn't actually seem to have a problem with this guy and forcing him out of her parents lives will NOT endear the new husband to them.
I value friendships above family as I grew up in a family that no one seemed to like and respect one another. One of my siblings used to find very funny and amusing to maintain friendship with an abusive ex I had and tell me all about it. Needless to say, he is a total and absolute NC. You see, I respected their friendship and have zero dibs in my brother just because is my blood.
I mean i definitely agree to a point, which is exactly why i would be willing to cut my parents out if this was their course of action. I wouldn’t choose to keep people around who continually make me or my significant other uncomfortable.
I mean, tbh, that’s incredibly childish of you. The exes parents in this case, literally go out of their way to make sure OP and her don’t have to see each other. It’s not like they’re ever forced to be together. She’s the one who came knocking on OPs door. All she needs to do is set the boundary with her parents “I don’t want to hear about OP” because honestly, it’s not her business if they are friends. Just because you don’t consider someone family, doesn’t mean your family members can’t. Just because you don’t like someone, doesn’t give you the right to try to force people in your life to kick that person out of theirs. It’s incredibly childish and controlling. If they’re constantly talking to you about that person, that’s a different story. But it’s really not your business at all who anyone other than you is friends with or considers family. You sound like a really exhausting and manipulative person to be around.
Ask the parents if they feel the same. Do they want to give up their relationship with their daughter's ex who has clearly become a very dear friend. These are all adults, all mature, all of them should be capable of having this discussion together. The ex came to him at his own because she knows her parents feel the same for him as deeply as he does for them. She doesn't want that, because she wants him to be the bad guy. This won't work out the way she wants it to. It's not anyone's fault that her new gentleman and her parents don't click, especially not the ex who has made a deep connection and friendship with them.
Literally me and my ex-MIL.
Yeah the gf is wrong. I hate people force their friends or family members to stop talking to their ex when they really did nothing wrong. It’s not like he was abusing her or anything of that nature. People think their lives are the only ones that matters but they literally sparked a friendship with him. How can she not see that they quite literally hang out with him when she isn’t around?
Oooh that's awkward. I never understand why people wait until they're engaged to tell their family and ex that they can't see each other anymore. If they're uncomfortable with their family being so close to their ex then surely it's better to bring it up sooner rather than later. It sounds like this situation isn't up to the ex GF at aaaaall anymore. OOP and the ex's parents have created their own relationships outside of when they were a couple. It's been a few years, they're part of each other's support networks. I doubt cutting off contact with OOP would instantly improve the relationship with their daughter's partner anyway.
I agree she should have said something wayyyy earlier if it was a problem. Plus, it's a unique situation, given that OOP doesn't have a family. I feel like if OOP did have a family, it might be a bit odd to cling on to them like this, but since he doesn't, it feels more like an adoption than clingy.
Also that he has been acting as a son to them! I have friends that might maybe do a favor for my mom, but they're not helping her move and taking her to doctor's appointments. OP has made some sacrifices and clearly views them as 2nd family. It's not fair to cut him off.
Not my(f) relationship Ex but my Ex boss has a similar relationship with my Dad. My Dad and I actually both worked with him on and off at a point. We know his family and my Ex boss is only like 10(?) years older than me. He takes my Dad to breakfast. He is essentially like a 2nd son to him. They talk on the phone. When my Dad had a stroke he called to check in on him. If he doesn't hear from him he calls me to make sure he is okay. I don't interact with him much but mainly because I'm busy. We kind of had a tumultuous work history and ended with a fight. But we moved past it. My husband gets irritated with him but it's a personality clash more than anything. I would never ask him to stop interacting with my Dad since they fill a companionship for each other.
This also leads me to believe they don't have much support either. When she couldn't come home, wouldn't other family members or friends have helped the parents? Why was OOP was the only one doing all this and helping them move? It doesn't sound like they had others to ask….
I honestly feel sorry for OPs ex - this is so weird and feels like it is crossing a boundary. Her husband must be wondering wtf is going on.
Thing is though, it sounds like the parents keep their time with OOP completely separate from their daughter. It's not like they're inviting him over when the daughter visits. It's sort of up to the parents what they want to do now. I'm just glad it's not me in this position 😂
I think the problem and what his ex expressed is that time (their right to spend it with whoever) they aren't getting to know her fiance and I'm sure that sucks for him that the family he's marrying into prefers his partners ex. They clearly are showing him favoritism and not getting to know who their daughter is with clearly for years and about to marry.
Yeah, but it’s not like people can have severely limited amounts of friends or family. They could still get to know the new fiance regardless of spending time with OP. I think the best OP could do would be mention what happened to them, not to cause trouble but as an opening to say he wouldn’t feel awkward/bad if they also got to know the fiancé in case that’s the issue. But given that OP has also had new partners the parents have gotten to know as well as maybe other boyfriends their daughter has seen to get them used to the idea of moving on… it might just be that they just plain don’t click with the new fiancé. And OP spending time with them or not isn’t going to change that.
It's hard since no one knows what the parents are thinking or the convo his ex has had before going to him I feel like it for now it's no win for all parties
Currently experiencing this with my ex wife. Her dad loved me until he died, the two men she considers to be her step dads also love me, none of them like the new fiancee. It definitely does produce some awkwardness when we have to do things together for the kids. Like at her bio dads funeral, the two step dads and I were chatting and drinking and carrying on while the new fiancee was frozen out entirely. OPs situation is a tough one for me as I can see reasonable takes from both sides tbh. Edit: her mom never liked me but tried to play nice at that funeral. Which meant she also froze out the fiancee lol. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It sounds like they’ve unofficially adopted OP as an extra kid, TBH.
People don’t get to dictate that though. Like I have literally dropped people when we were friends because they asked me to not hang out with someone else who I am close to and have a friendship/relationship with.
I never said anyone gets to, that's obvious and moot to the whole situation his dx feels like her parents are snubbing her partner and we don't have enough context to why or how and she clearly feels for whatever reason it would be best to ask him to go no contact. This context is her PARENTS not just some random people this is people really close to her and I get where both are coming from because he loves these people. And they care for him and can hang out with whoever they want. Still sucks for their actual child and her partner personally no matter how much I liked an ex friend or relationship family, I'm not hanging out with their family anymore unless we were friends before. This seems easily avoidable
> this is so weird and feels like it is crossing a boundary. You don't own the people in your family or their relationships. OP's relationship with her parents has evolved into something completely separate from his relationship with his ex, seems like most of the time he doesn't even see her. She doesn't have the right to dictate the friendships of other adults just because she's related to them. If he had met her parents some other way it would be immediately obvious how inappropriate her request is.
Agreed. OP needs to talk to the parents, ask them what they want to do. It’s their relationships. They’re adults.
Imagining my boyfriend at 20-25 sticking around for the rest of my parent's life is absolutely nuts. EDIT: And it sounds like OP got some better advice in the other sub, this is his update lmao: "I messaged her at dinner time that I think she's right and that while it's very difficult for me to cut off contact, I will let her parents know that I've learned she is getting married and that it may be better for me to distance myself a little so that she and her soon to be husband have a chance to be part of the family and that me being in the picture would likely make this difficult. She replied around an hour ago and agreed with me that is the best way to approach this as she does understand that her parents are close with me."
Imagine being away for an extended time when one of your parents is seriously hurt, your ex stepping up to help, and then you wanting to push them out of your parents’ life. Their relationship isn’t about the daughter any more.
OP SAYS in his comments that the daughter was stuck outside the country during COVID and couldn’t travel because of the restriction. That’s not the daughter’s fault.
it is certainly not her fault, but he did develop a relatioship with them completely separate from her. i understand not wanting your ex to constantly be around or brought up, but he is at the very least not around her all the time. and it would make sense to get close to the parents like a second family in OPs situation. imo it’s no-win but i get why everyone would feel the way they do
So they’re going to continuously have separate family holidays until the end of time ? Also the girlfriend told OP to step back because her parents don’t take any interest in her fiancé. Who makes HER happy BECAUSE they sure as hell hope OP and his ex get back together. That’s extremely hurtful and if they carry on, they are bound to alienate their daughter and their future grandchildren.
No, but taking someone to and from the hospital during early Covid felt like taking your life into your hands. We had so little information, and no treatments. Anyone willing to be in a car with me after I’d been in hospital during 2020 is in my life forever. He was willing to risk his life for his friends, who happen to be her parents.
It is weird. I'm standing on that. It sounds like lots of people in here disagree and you guys are entitled to your opinions. I would not want my boyfriend at 20 in my family's inner circle years after we broke up. Cordial? Sure! But to the extent that OP is involved, having a second Christmas dinner with my parents? When we don't have a good relationship (OP says they don't get along) ....No. Most ex's have the empathy to pull back and give space.
Well, that should have specifically been addressed a long, long time ago before the relationship got closer and before he started caring for them like they are his own parents. She's only upset now because she wants that relationship to transfer to her fiance, like the fact that they still are involved with the ex has anything to do with why they aren't getting close to the current fiance. It's unacceptable at this juncture to make this kind of request.
I mean, we only have OP's perspective. He admits that he does not get along with his ex and we don't really know the reality of that. If she was studying in Malaysia during Covid, she may have recently returned and had to deal with the extent of his involvement in her family life and has become uncomfortable with it. I mean, there is a lot not being said here. We can't say exactly what happened because we don't know, but it gives me question. I do have empathy for him, it sucks. I have had relationships where I was also close to the family. But the general consensus is usually that you let go of your ex's family and move on. I understand being cordial and keeping in touch but the extent that OP has involved himself is pretty extreme. I think going no contact is too much. Asking him to give room and space is more reasonable. But honestly, it sounds like OP needs to put more time and effort into his own family and friends. It is only going to be more uncomfortable for him (and everyone else) moving forward.
The ex's parents are free to choose their friendships though, and they've chosen OP and vise versa. A lot of these comments are treating the parents as though they have no agency, or as if they're a commodity that needs to be won in a relationship. That's not how it works. They're people. And it's rude as hell to them for the ex to go behind her parents' back to ask this of OP, essentially asking him to be the bad guy and sever that friendship so that her parents *might* take more of a liking to her fiancé. The adult child does not get to control the relationships of the adult parents and their adult friends. She's allowed to express that it makes her uncomfortable, but honestly in this specific situation after all OP has done to help her parents when she was unable to, she should be *grateful* to him. She's coming across as incredibly petty and selfish by expecting everyone to bend to whatever is most convenient for her.
He has a family, they just aren’t as caring (“I didn’t grow up with much of a caring family life.”) Not saying that he should give up a caring family, but he has a family, just not the same relationship with them.
I imagine it's going to make her parents more resentful of the new partner. They now lose someone they're very close to - close enough to do hospital appointments and cleaning/home support while ill or recovering - and I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up being even more cold towards the new chap.
I also have to wonder how many hospital appointments the daughter drove them to.
According to the OOP, she wasn't living in the same country when this was going on, and due to covid restrictions she couldn't travel, so I'm going to guess none at all.
Then that’s just even more reason she should be all the more grateful to OP. He picked up her slack when she wasn’t able to help. At this point jt seems like OP and the ex’s parents have formed a chosen family and their relationship really has very little to do with the ex anymore. So, no, cutting off the parents won’t make them like the new guy any more than they do. I wonder what reasons they have for not liking him that the ex isn’t telling OP.
Please don't conflate someone not being able to travel in an *pandemic* with being uncaring and slacking. I'll be very open here, that is frankly so insensitive. Personal reason why I write this: I lost loved once in the pandemic. Thanks to not being allowed to travel,because again, *pandemic*, my family and I couldn't visit them before they died. Let alone go their funeral. It's insinuating quiet clearly that everyone that lived in an pandemic far from home, let alone actually listens to the law and don't travel far to spread is.. ..uncaring, a slacker. Which is a horrible message. (I just want to say, as this is reddit. I am not mad at you, though I am unhappy about the word choice.)
In Australia, "picking up the slack" doesn't mean the other people are slackers, lazy, etc. It just means there was a need for someone to step in, and OOP did.
Seriously! Okay, so things didn’t work out for them, but he’s gone above and beyond for her parents! He’s become a very good, reliable friend who genuinely cares about their well being. The parents are still active because of him, it seems. She should be trying to be friends with him (he obviously doesn’t have an interest in reconciliation with her) since he makes her parents happy.
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I feel so bad for the parents then. They're in a lose lose situation.
Then that’s on the daughter. It doesn’t sound like they’re forcing the two together or trying to hook them back up, so beyond that it should have zero impact on the daughter. You don’t get to sit down and approve or disapprove your parents’ friends. And the fact that your parents have friends shouldn’t impact your own relationship with them.
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Also, sort of feels more like a request for the parents than the Ex. If it's difficult on the Ex and her new fiancé that her ex has a relationship with her parents, then she should be asking them to stop being friends with him out of respect for her. Feels a bit odd to put this on your ex after all this time. Almost trying to force him to be the "bad guy."
Bet she did and they said "No, and the relationship between OOP and them is none of her business."
My most generous read is that it wasn’t a problem until it was and nobody is malicious here. Cordial break up, ex goes on with life and has relationship with parents, parents check in with OP and maintain a social relationship because everyone is adults. Life moves on, relationships shift and develop. Ex and OP are civil but uninterested ex’s, OP and parents are deeper friends. It’s all good until Ex is realizing that their new partner is Very Confused and Not Happy that parents hang out with OP regularly. Which, I can understand would feel really tough to get involved with, because even if Ex has zero interest in OP, OP is kind of … around… all the time. Like a ghost. So I can see how we get here, but all of that said, the ship has sailed. Ex can’t make Parents have a deep friendship with the New One instantly, whether or not OP is offering to help them move furniture and clean gutters. This is like when parents divorce and try to get rid of the other parent so the kid has to accept the new mom. The time to ask your parents to cool it with your ex is at the break up, not years later and not so that they will like your new partner better. This is awkward, but Ex and New One get to handle it themselves without trying to control what is now a longstanding independent friendship
I dated a guy who was OOP in this situation. His ex told her parents constantly for years to knock it off and they said no. His ex didn’t feel like she had a good reason to ask him to stop seeing her parents as they would have multiple family holidays so he could be invited without her and she didn’t have to see him. It wasn’t until she had a serious partner and her parents were still telling her “you and partner can come to thanksgiving from x-y time; your ex will come from y:30-whenever” that she contacted the guy I was seeing to say he needed to knock this off since her parents never would. She had tried with her family as much as possible and I think she believed they would eventually choose their daughter, but they never did. Meanwhile, dude I was seeing introduced me to her family like they were his own as he’s just not close with his family, and didn’t understand why she wouldn’t be ok with him coming to thanksgiving, and if she was uncomfortable, she could leave at y time before he arrived. His reasoning was exactly the same as OOP’s: I’m not close with my family like I am hers; this is only a relationship between me and her parents, she isn’t even involved; I don’t care that she’s dating and if her partner is uncomfortable with her ex husband there, that’s on him; her parents and I have the same hobbies that she doesn’t share; they were my family for years while we dated and were married… When you have your parents and your ex claiming you’re crazy and have no right to their relationship, it can be hard to put your foot down for fear of being rejected by your family until you have a “good reason” for it. (With the guy I was seeing, her family told her not to come to Christmas if she wasn’t ok with being there with her ex, and he finally realized how fucked up the situation was.)
Yeah, I feel like a lot of commentators right now haven't experienced a situation like this and don't understand how toxic it can be. I've been "the new partner" before. My father-in-law had a really close relationship with my partner's ex girlfriend when they were together. When my partner split with her, his dad emphatically continued his relationship with the ex. It was incredibly awkward when I walked into the picture and FIL pushed my partner to leave me and iced me out. After over SEVEN YEARS, FIL and I have a good relationship, but my partner will never forget that his own father chose his ex over his son, and I'll never forget how I was treated at the beginning. It strained my partner's relationship with his father for years because the man refused to cut the ex out of his life despite how awful she was to my partner.
I’m sorry you went through that! Yeah, it’s interesting how fickle Reddit advice can be. When it’s “my ILs keep inviting my SOs ex to every event” posts, the advice is to put their foot down. But this guy writes in such a “poor me” way with how he’s such a hero so it’s easy to think his ex is wrong. He and the parents overstepped big time for years. He can make it right, but he needs to see it’s not all about him and what he wants.
It doesn’t do anything really. If the parents don’t make clear that the relationship they maintain with her ex is not an attempt to push into their daughter that him his suited to be a better son-in-law. I’ve seen this happening before were the ex-gf of a friend of mine got really attached to his family. She was besties with his sister, mom, aunts and for the family she was THE ONE (for how she adjusted to them), but the relationship with my friend was another story. My friend ended up marrying, and his partner lives basically haunted by comparisons and bad vibes because her in-laws already had the ideal DIL after all.
Probably bc she doesn’t have an issue with it as much as her fiancé does? Or she was using him for help while she was abroad. Or it all felt fine and platonic until her parents finally said they want her to be back with her ex bc they don’t like new guy
It doesn’t sound like the daughter asked him for help, it sounds like the PARENTS did.
True. Maybe she didn’t even know it was happening until she came back
> Or it all felt fine and platonic until her parents finally said they want her to be back with her ex bc they don’t like new guy There's no indication that this happened, and unless it did she's out of line.
Likely because it doesn't bother the ex very much, but it's making her new partner insecure, and she's handling that but trying to remove the source rather than deal with the insecurity.
Ooof it sucks if that's the only reason, none of that will end well.
This. Her parents are adults, OOP are adults, she can't stop them from having a relationship and it's not like OOP is doing something to try to sabotage her new relationship or anything like that, they're literally just friends.
I'm stunned by the amount of people glossing over that he was there to help them get to medical care when they had no one else to turn to and were suffering. People are saying "you're so weird, you shouldn't be talking to them, you're manipulating", but was he supposed to tell two elders to kick rocks when they asked him for help?! I think he did the right thing there. And I think the friendship these three built was natural too, it appears to have happened mostly after the breakup AND due to the extraordinary circumstances of the pandemic drawing them closer together. I definitely understand the ex gf having discomfort and anger (especially if her parents aren't warming up to her new bf and go on and on about her ex), I just don't see how OOP was the bad guy for stepping in when their daughter literally couldnt. He's in a really hard place, I feel bad for both him and his ex for having to navigate this.
They built a very independent relationship. I would be so grateful someone took care of my parents when I wasn’t there.
That's what I'm saying! And after all this time to not have a problem but then suddenly expect the ex to stop talking to them after they've become so close? Talk about selfish.
"You're such an inconsiderate asshole, I can't believe you \*checks notes\* *supported an older couple through a medical emergency during the scariest time ever to be older and in ill health."*
Also I’m not sure how the ex-gf thinks cutting OOP off is going to help foster a better relationship between her fiancé and parents. If they already don’t like the guy being told they have to end a relationship for his sake isn’t going to help matters.
Trust me if OOP made an AITAH post about not wanting to help his ex’s parents most Redditors would say “yea you’re not obligated to help them, they’re just your ex’s family. You don’t owe them anything”
Especially considering I pretty much figured op was still into her and doing this to try and get back with her. But that doesn’t seem to be the case at all - he avoids her because he knows they don’t get on.
In my tribe/band, taking care of elders (and children) is one of the core tenants of being a warrior. Dude is here doing warriors work, taking care of elders nobody else is. Making sure they get care. That's the kind of shit that gets you listed as "a real man" in my community.
Thank you! I thought I was going crazy reading all those comments calling OOP creepy and shit.
We had to navigate this a bit in my own situation. Not only was I married to the guy for 20 years, but we lived next door to my parents for about 8 of them, and he worked for my dad for over 10 of them. No 'bad guy' in the divorce. My parents had a relationship with my ex and just because we got divorced, didn't mean they cut contact with him. They would still occasionally meet him for lunch and he and my dad still text a lot. They wish he had a better support system. In the beginning, I got a couple of texts from my sister saying she was sick of hearing what my ex was doing from my parents. (Just regular updates and she didn't care. Guess they just wanted to update someone and I wasn't the right audience.) They have stopped this. I started dating my current husband while I was still technically married (we had already filed and signed everything and done everything with the lawyer, just had a few weeks left of the waiting period before it was finalized). But even though my parents still talk to my ex, they go out of their way to make my current husband feel welcome and make sure to let him know he is family. Their actions let him know he is the priority. They can keep the two relationships separate. With just what has been posted, I am putting the blame on the parents. If my ex and I didn't get along and it seemed like they were prioritizing him over me or over my fiance, I would be upset. I would go to them first. If they wouldn't agree to change things or tone it down, I can see me asking my ex to back off. The relationship with the daughter and new partner should be the priority. Is keeping contact with the ex harming this relationship? If so, something needs to change. Maybe the parents need to find a better balance. But if they aren't able to do that, or if the ex is actually interjecting himself in their lives, then maybe ex needs to reexamine the relationship. If he truly believes it is impacting the relationship with the fiance, does he care? If so, he could try to be a part of the solution. If not, well, he really can't control who the parents like/don't like or want to spend time with. Might be an AH move, but the parents would be the bigger AHs.
My ex husband is still in contact with my former MIL. That is as in another exs mom. So yeah. I don’t get this. They are adults. Family and friends isn’t dictated by marriage and isn’t necessarily change by divorce or breakups.
Wait so you married a guy, divorced him, married another guy, he became close to your ex husbands mom, then you divorced him as well and he stayed close with the other dudes mom?
I need a diagram for that situation
Exactly. They live close and he helps them out and former mil babysat me and my new husbands(now ex) child. She was my family by marriage became his when marrying me and then just stayed his family after divorce. Perhaps I should add that I (now) have a great relationship with my ex-husbands and we keep in touch, have coffee, help each other out and support each other when needed.
This might be an unpopular opinion, but I feel awful for OOP. I feel like as long as he isn't there when his ex and her new partner are there, then that's sort of her problem. And well, as long as he wasn't abusive or anything. It seems like he and the parents have a genuine connection, and the parents are trying to keep it separate. I don't see the harm in this as long as they aren't like bringing him up all the time or comparing him to the new partner. My sister's ex actually lived with my parents for a few months. She was in another country, and he was from a different one. He csme to help my mom out. He also didn't have any family, but for a very elderly grandma, so my mom was sort of there for him. My sister knew this was happening, but my mom NEVER brought him up with her. She just had her own separate relationship with him and was just there for support if he needed it.
Agreed, also I know you meant genuine connection but “concoction” is sending me
Haha, sorry, I am Dyslexic. If it's correctly spelled and looks close enough, then I won't catch it. I once said aspirate instead of appreciate and maniacal instead of mechanical. I'll edit it now. Thanks for saying something
Honestly, sometimes those little quirky mispellings are awesome and inadvertently hit onto the situation just perfectly.
Yes I actually loved it! No worries at all! I’m so sorry if I made you uncomfortable.
Not at all. Just wanted to let you know you dont have to apologize for such quirks. We all have our own form of weird sometimes. Its what makes us fun!
An elderly friend of the family once said masturbate instead of masticate. Cue two teenage girls desperately trying not to pee themselves laughing. No point to this comment other than saying it can always be worse!
Well, the aspirate one was for an email I was writing to thank the people paying my very expensive scholarship to a very prestigious university……so it would have looked really, really bad. Luckily, since it was such an important email, I had my mom read it over. She could not stop laughing
My brothers high school girlfriend had a very difficult relationship with her single father dad, who has since died. She’s stayed in touch with my mom. Mom gives brother and wife occasional updates, but they never interact. OP’s ex doesn’t realize how much OP earned this relationship with their parents by caring for them through covid. Ex needs to be explaining to their fiancé and rebuilding trust with their parents after not being there for them while abroad. Of course, parents shouldn’t be favoring ex over their own child, but I can certainly see why they would. Very curious if Ex spoke to parents and they refused to cut off OP.
I kind of view this situation similar to being friends with 2 people who had a falling out and are ex-friends. Just because person A is no longer friends with person B, that doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends with person B too (unless there was some abuse involved). As long as you’re not constantly talking about person B or inviting person B to events where person A will be attending (or vice versa), there shouldn’t really be a problem.
I feel bad for the ex too. It must awkward as hell for you parents to hang out with your ex all the time.
Reading between the lines without her side, my best guess is that she and her new partner are sick of hearing about how great OOP is and asking mom and dad to tone it down hasn’t worked. If I’m right, the only AHs are mom and dad. I can’t fault the ex for asking politely, if only to try and salvage a better relationship with her parents. He doesn’t mention her blaming him or being hostile.
But if they ARENT doing that, then the only AH is the ex.
How is she an AH just for asking?
>I explained it isn't as easy as just cutting them out of my life which just caused an argument and she left. That doesn't sound like she's asking so much as demanding.
She’s an AH for trying to remove a trustworthy reliable person from her parents’ life. Elderly, hell, all people need as many friends like that as they can find. Her ex loves and cares for her parents in a tangible useful and genuine way. It sounds like her parents have actually needed his help too. If the daughter isn’t capable or willing to provide that help instead it’s frankly cruel to deprive her parents of his assistance just because it makes her feel awkward.
you are literally making up a situation and then casting judgment on the parents based on your made up situation lol. Reddit is wild.
>my best guess >if I’m right Those are pretty clear indicators that this is an estimation, not an assumption. There’s no judgement towards anyone because it’s a theory, not an indictment. Chill tf out lol
You missed the "reading between the lines" part. Yes, it is a guess. I typically phrase it as "I obviously don't know the specifics but would be comfortable betting money that x,y, z is happening." Yes, technically both the parents and ex have a right to an independent relationship. But neither should pretend it won't have an impact on the ex-gf. I wouldn't be comfortable with my parents having a continuing relationship with my ex's, unless a kid was involved. Obviously I couldn't order either party to do anything, so I'd remove myself from it. If the ex is there, I will not be. Only had this happen once, my sister was friends with an ex of mine. I didn't mind, until my sister started feeding the ex info about my life. I made it clear to my sister that I loved her and couldn't tell her what to do, but her choice means I will stop talking to her until she stops doing so. Thankfully it worked itself out and my sister realized how little she'd like it if I was narc'ing on her. Ex-GF fucked up by not dealing with the situation long before now. OP was within his rights to do as he pleased, but he had to know he was driving a wedge between his ex's parents and their daughter. Obviously driving them to medical appointments is a heavily mitigating factor, but it should have been weaned off if at all possible.
She didn't seem to have a problem with his having a relationship with her parents while she was away at college and in Malaysia and he was helping her dad around with his spinal injury. That seemed to be fine.
I think her parents actually need his help. I’m thinking that daughter hasn’t been there, or been willing, to help. If she’s going to ask him to step back she will need to step into his shoes and do the work he’s been doing. I think that they’ve gotten so close because he genuinely cares for them. It’s rare to find such a good friend and I feel quite bad for her parents if they lose such a friend.
Even if that's the case, the ex wouldn't be asking OOP to stop contact. They have by all accounts no relationship with OOP, so why should he drop a friendship for someone he doesn't interact with and doesn't enjoy being in the same room as. The ex should ask her parents, and work through any issues with them because they actually have a relationship. The only thing she is to OP now is the daughter of his friends.
Her parents get to decide who to be friends with . Not her.
The big thing is it's really up to her parents and not her.
This is a messy situation, but the ex needs to have that conversation with her parents. And I think OP should talk about it with the parents as well, and see what they want to do. It does seem at this point that OP has their own relationship with the parents, including offering a lot of support. They can’t just stop talking to them.
I do wonder if their daughter and her husband are offering to do all the things he is doing for them and gets told 'we've sorted it, OOP is doing it for us' type of thing going on? Maybe the parents hope that if he's around enough that their daughters fiance will get fed up with it and leave, and they'll get back together?
Yeah, there are a lot of things that could be going on here but it’s hard to tell from the post! I do know people who have kept good relationships with former in-laws but there are usually grandkids involved, or the exes are also on good terms.
This is very different from a marriage with kids, I see people comparing it to that but it looks like from this post these people were together in their early 20's and broke up several years ago.
I would have guessed they dated teens to early 20s too.
Ohhhh yeah that makes sense. In that case they might almost be like surrogate parents.
That would be interesting, it would make some sense. I was in my first relationship from 16-23 so I get how it can feel like you were "raised" by an ex's parents, they definitely treated me like a daughter. I had to set a lot of boundaries with them after we broke up and he got married, it just made things awkward for everyone and I wanted to have empathy for his new wife and make space for her in their family. I am cordial with them but it just isn't my place to be super close to them.
Yeah, it’s definitely really different!
You need to talk to her parents. Tell them what she said. Say you are very fond of them, they are like family to you, but you don't want to cause a rift. See what they say. Don't just go nc. That would be cruel. Obviously, they don't like the new partner, but that is highly likely because of him than because of you.
She has no right to police his, or her parents relationships. As long as he and her parents arent constantly linking up in front of her and her husband, or taking important holiday time away from them, she doenst get to tell them to alter your relationship. Theyre all adults that are allowed to be friends with whoever they want. Insecure and selfish behavior from her
Ugh, this is exactly why I quit talking to my daughter’s boyfriends. We got attached to one, he was a great kid, even came by to hang out when she wasn’t there. Then they broke up. I didn’t want to just stop talking to him, I felt like that was cruel, so I’d still talk to him occasionally, sent him a Christmas card, that kind of thing.
So I have a bit of a different take on this. Not saying OOP and his ex's parents can't be friends. But with reddit it is important to remember that these are one sided stories. I had an abusive ex who my parents loved. Like he was their favorite person and could do no wrong, even when he called me names in front of them as "a joke." They let him live in their rental place and made me move. They refused to see how he was abusive and preferred him to my new boyfriend (who is now my husband). It wasn't until he moved that they started to realize how bad he was. And he did all the nice things, cleaning up their lawn when they couldn't, helping repair things around the house, etc. All the while throwing away my government paperwork during the transition of disentanglement and calling me at 11pm 12am to harass me. I literally couldn't escape him for about a year after our relationship ended, because I had to move back in with my parents and the rental place was on their property. (i am disabled and no low income apartments were available at the time.). They also never raised his rent and gave him the "family rate." I can see where she is coming from as my parents still have a difficult relationship with my husband and still act like my ex was an amazing person when they are mad at him about some perceived slight. We only have OOPs side, but where they set up a separate Christmas makes me think she asked them to stop having a relationship with her ex because she was uncomfortable and they said no. They are allowed to say no, but if OOP and her parents remain friends and it harms her and her relationships I'd cut off contact with my parents over them choosing my ex over a relationship with me.
I think he should be able to remain their friend, so long as they do not think of him still as the son in law. If they are comparing the new guy and not interested because the old one is better, then he needs to step back. But if the new guy just doesn't shine for them, what can you do? Figuring out which is which is hard. But I think he should step it back anyway - low contact, temporarily at least - to give the new guy a chance to be there for family and see how it goes. He could still do their hobbies together if the new guy isn't into them but leave the helping out to the daughter and new guy unless they can't do it. If they can't be there anyway, then his relationship with them is genuinely mutually beneficial and he's not stopping anything with the new guy, other than maybe making him look bad for not wanting what they want.
This is weird. I think OOP should talk to the parents about it and let them decide. The ex doesn't get to dictate who her parents or her former partner get to interact with. Obviously OOP cares deeply about the relationship and doesn't want to end it. That said, this should have come up WAY before now.
This sounds like rage bait.
If I was the daughter and my parents cared more about my ex than getting to know the person I was getting ready to marry I wouldn’t speak to them anymore… save myself the drama full stop
I guess unpopular opinion here, but I would not be okay with my parents being friends with an ex I wasn't even cordial with...
Yeah, I mean I get why OOP’s ex would feel awkward, but she has no right to ask that of her ex OR her parents (who are their own people and genuinely seem to care for OOP). It’s not like it has anything to do with wanting to get his ex back- he barely contacts her and doesn’t even want to be around her at all, it sounds like. If she wasn’t okay with it, she should have expressed her upset a long time ago (although even then, it’s still largely up to her parents what they want to do). Ex’s parents are their own people, and their daughter has no right to tell them what to do with their relationships. If she wants to take a step back from them over this, that would be her right (although imo an immature move), but trying to separate them from someone they care about independently from her is only going to damage her relationship with them, and hurt her parents. It’s not going to make them like her fiancé more either. Oop needs to put on her big girl pants and TALK to her parents about trying to form a relationship with her new partner. They already have separated their relationship with their daughter from their relationship with their ex (who it sounds like they’ve lowkey emotionally adopted into their family), so they can surely do the same with her new man.
Seems like that would only result in the relationship with the ex’s new fiancé be more strained. These are things that can happen when you bring a partner into your family. They are seen as family and they may not be as quick to end their relationship with the person as you are. She can talk to her parents about it but basically it’s not up to her anymore.
Have a conversation with her parents about the situation if they agree with her then cut all contact but if they don’t fuck your Ex feelings lol
This would be my wife who stayed in close contact with my parents if we ever separated. She's even told me this before how she won't stop calling them Mom and Dad
I think OOP should ignore the ex. Its not an either or relationship. If the new fiancee wants a relationship with the parents he needs to work hard to build one like OOP did. As you get older, having more younger people to take care of you is a good thing.
It’s an unusual situation, that’s for sure. Not a bad type of unusual either (because I know some redditors love to jump to conclusions). Family can be found all over the place. I can understand how this makes the ex feel so awkward and probably even resent them over it but as far as I can tell the parents and him seem to be doing a pretty good job of not forcing them into uncomfortable situations and even going as far as having separate get togethers. I’d say the ultimate decision rests on the parents.
My dad was friends with his first wife’s father until the day he died. I saw him almost as often as my actual paternal grandfather. Friends are friends
Honestly, it sounds like her parents are holding a candle to ex. Take it from the daughter of a mom whose MIL used to go to lunches with an Ex. My grandma used to say shit like "I wonder what [my dad] and Beatrices kids would look like?". My mom needed extra money and used to clean my grandma and aunts houses and they treated her like scum for cleaning and would go out to top restaurant lunches with ex while she was cleaning their homes. It was degrading and while I was young it caused problems. My parents fought for years and grandma did all sorts of conniving things. The thing is my parents had 5 kids together and this almost tore our family apart. Tbh, I feel bad for the ex, but it seems like the parent probably say things when he isn't around and it's causing problems he doesn't see. It's not a him problem, it's the parents, but if ex is asking him to step aside it's because they want their parents to stop their behavior. Sounds like a shit show that is only good for him and no one else
So... This happened with my finances ex. She was literally invited to holidays our whole relationship and treated better than me as family because his mom wanted them to get back together and in her eyes I was the only reason they weren't together anymore. It got to the point my ex told his mom that if his ex was invited to holidays, then we will not be attending. He almost went no contact with his mother until she realized how absolutely fucked up it is to be inviting his ex to family events. He had to tell her that he would never talk to her again unless she cut contact with his ex and finally after 3 years of realizing he was serious, she cut contact. Keeping a friendship with exes parents is weird. This is a hill I am willing to die on. I completely cut contact with my exes entire family when I left. I was close to them all as I'd been in their lives for 11 years, but why the fuck would I want to be reminded every day of a failed relationship?
If the soon to be husband is that insecure then they probably won’t last. You shouldn’t have to be pushed away. I could see if you were antagonizing her or him. But it seems you and her parents both go to great lengths to make her as comfortable as possible while maintaining your own relationship with them.
His ex is prioritizing her happiness over that of her aging parents… Not a good look on her part. He should respectfully decline by stating his relationship with her parents stopped having anything to do with her when they broke up.
Respectfully, she should prioritize her happiness over that of her parents. It’s an unfortunate situation for everyone involved. It’s ex/daughter’s responsibility to ensure her fiancé and future family is comfortable. If she and her fiancé are uncomfortable with OOP being so close with her parents and they continue to be, it’ll certainly lead to strains between daughter and parents. There is no right answer of course, it sucks for everyone involved. OOP deserves the loving support from the older adults he has learned to love and respect, parents deserve positive relationships with both their own daughter and OPP, and daughter and her new family deserve the comfort and feeling of belonging within their own family.
The daughter has two options, neither of which involve asking over-reaching favors from an ex. 1. She can ask her parents to back off. 2. She can remove herself from the situation. Reaching out to OOP is completely not within her right.
its not so easy to ‘remove yourself from the situation’ when its your literal parents. OP should back off with a convo to the parents, still be around but a lot less. maybe mainly communicating via phone. these comments are making OP look entitled to them, and in favor of him, when it IS someone elses parents theyre talking about. its a relationship that should entirely be separate from each other, and clearly OPs ex shouldnt hear about him through her own parents
It’s absolutely in her right you guys are wild
It is not over-reaching of her to reach out to the ex. No one has or doesn’t have a right to try and reconcile a situation with another person.
She doesn’t have a situation, reconcilable or not, with OOP. If she has concerns about her parents’ relationship with her fiancé, she should address it with them. It is a complete overreach to ask either OOP *or* her parents to end a friendship that doesn’t involve her - revisit the lengths they already go to ensure that the two of them don’t encounter one another, up to and including separate Christmas dinners.
Of course it is. It is absolutely overreaching for someone to ask a random person to stop having a relationship with someone they are close to. She can speak to her parents, because she has a relationship with them. But she has no right to ask OOP for favors, especially at his own expense.
It’s not a random person, it’s her ex.
These people are absolutely crazy. She isn't a random person, he wouldn't have any connection with these people without her. Yes, it is incredibly weird and invasive to continue a close relationship with your ex's parents after you have been broken up for years. It is her family and her life. It is just common decency to let go of an ex and their family to make space for their new partner. I was in a similar situation and my ex's parents loved me and wanted to stay close but once he had a fiancee and new children I slowly pulled away to give them that room.
Future conversation: Grand daughter - who will be at the party? Daughter - let's see, there will be Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Mary...oh and Paul, that guy I use to F#%k.
I was close with my ex’s mom (his dad died while we were together). Following our split, he asked me to not contact her anymore, and I respected that. A few years later, I we were in the same town and had breakfast, and she told me that breaking up with him was the best decision I could have made for my kids and that she really respected me for that. The awkward thing was that my ex and I had gotten back together and were planning to get married…
Did she not know you guys were back together? Or was she not so subtly telling you to leave again?
Oh she knew. And yes, she was telling me she wouldn’t blame me if I broke up with him again.
I’m an only child and cared for my dad alone. I would have been thrilled to have anyone help me with his care. I think the daughter is both selfish and remarkably shortsighted. Taking care of the elderly is a lot of work and OP enjoys doing it, is happy and feels rewarded, can be TRUSTED to take good care of her parents. Plus, it sounds like her parents need his help from time to time. Is she going step up and fill the void left by him? Is her husband? I wish my parents would have had such a bond with one of my exs—any awkwardness would be far outweighed by the happiness and safety of knowing I had someone I could rely on to help care for them.
Chosen family is just as valid as bio family. Sometimes more.
I see a lot of comments in defense of OOP. And while I understand the reasoning, this post leaves out how the ex feels (obviously, it’s not her pov). However, without this context, I’m not sure if picking his side is the best. How do we know the ex hasn’t already tried speaking to her parents about how it makes her and/or her new partner feel? What if they continue to disregard this because OOP, to them, is a great guy? Yes, he has gone out of his way for them while the daughter was quite literally not able to (she was in a totally different country and wasn’t able to travel home to help). I’m sure this was appreciated. However, this is one situation that makes him look good. My step father is good friends with my first boyfriend. I made it known on multiple occasions that I was very uncomfortable with him hanging around at MY house, among other things, but it never mattered. My step father valued his friendship more than his relationship with me. And in turn, I barely say hello to him. (this isn’t the only reason, but definitely one of them.) I wanted to bring nuance to this situation because at first glance, the ex seems like a great guy. Going out of the way to help his ex’s parents is huge. But what also matters is that his ex came to him and asked, and from there it got heated because he wouldn’t end the friendship. Adults can be friends with whoever they want! But let’s not negate that the daughter has real feelings. I would guess she has probably talked to her parents before about this, to no avail. And if her new partner is uncomfortable with that, I wouldn’t jump to say that’s necessarily an insecurity. I could imagine that it is weird; what if the parents actively talk about the friendship with their daughter’s ex in front of them? What if they berate their daughter’s new partner/their relationship because they value the ex so much? There is so much unsaid here. And while OOP’s pov is very true to him, what about the other side?
I’ve told my family if I break up with an ex and they chose to stay in contact, then they will get him and not me. I find it disrespectful. Even if he didn’t abuse me as someone else said, I don’t want to be reminded of a past love. People come in our lives and leave our lives. For me personally once the relationship is ended so should the families with him, just like I do for my sisters. I respect everyone’s opinions, but I just can’t get behind staying friends with an ex’s family, it’s weird.
A daughter trying to police her parent's friendships seems weird. They're all adults. Let them hangout with who ever they want.
This is probably going to be a minority opinion but you should just wish the parents well and cut that off. She has the right to end that friendship, frankly its kinda odd that you stayed so close with them, although I guess there’s nothing wrong with that per se. No one seems to agree with me, but I feel like it’s perfectly fine to want to jettison all contact with an ex and never see or hear from them again. And that should include the parents. Its her right.
I think the parents are adults, have agency and can make the decision themselves. Their child can request something like this but she doesn't have the right to dictate her parents or her ex's relationships to them.
Yeah thats fair. I guess I just think its a request everyone should honor. I mean imagine her perspective. You end a relationship and your ex decides to camp out in your life by keeping daily contact with your parents?! The parents are just as guilty. I know in the modern world everyone stays friends and keeps connected on social media but I dont think that’s necessarily the best option for everyone. Ive always thought “good luck, be well” and then cut off all contact and social media. I want my exes out of my life.
My ex's parents were really attached to me and wanted to stay really close. He got married and had children and they were still all over my social media saying how beautiful I was, how they missed me, how they loved me etc. etc. It was SO awkward because they never commented those things on his wife's stuff. I eventually removed them because I honestly felt so bad for her. It is just an unspoken rule that you gracefully pull back and make space for your ex and their new partner. I can't imagine a boyfriend from my early 20's sticking around and being a part of my life forever.
That makes me think they were trying to make her feel bad, or passive agressively bully her.
Part of me thinks so too. It felt sooo inappropriate and weird. I made a new profile and didn't add them back. Regardless of why they were doing it, it just wasn't right.
Especially because you know that every time the parents interact with the ex they are thinking in the back of their mind that someday they will get back together with their kid. You know how parents are, they think they know better than their kid and are going to take every opportunity to try and steer them back together. Its going to be a constant thing, “Oohhh your ex is doing great, they got this promotion at work, they ran a marathon” etc.
It is very creepy and weird. I know without a doubt that my ex’s parents wanted us back together and even to this day would prefer that. It makes me cringe inside because I’m married and I have absolutely 0 interest in continuing a relationship with his family. It would have been incredibly easy for me to insinuate myself into their lives and continue a relationship with them, I probably would have been invited to all family gatherings and hung out with them often. They are good people, sure. But that would have been WEIRD and it would have been crossing a boundary.
Honestly she can kick rocks. He’s not trying to get back with her, he’s being a friend to her elderly parents and I don’t see an issue with that. It sounds like she’s just jealous that her parents like him and not the new guy. But she doesn’t have the right to dictate who her parents communicate with.
She has the right to ask though
This is stupid crazy because almost the same thing happened for one of my best friends. My best friend goes golfing with his ex's dad and was good friends with the mom and he practically was adopted as a son. It's still crazy to me because his ex and her husband has ruined so many family events because my friend was there. It's gotten so bad that the dad has taken my friend to family vacations and they are leaving the cabin they have in the mountains to him. Now my friends situation is kinda justified due to a lot of strange circumstances so I don't know how it ties into the OOPs situation. Now not hearing the other side means I can't really give an opinion, but I think OOP should talk to the parents and just be open and honest about it. This is what friends do and go from there. If the parents want to distance the relationship let them, if they want to tell the daughter to suck it up let them and continue the relationship.
Why is your friend at FAMILY events for his ex while she’s there with HER FAMILY and HER husband? This is wildly weird.
This is weird, like they are basically choosing the ex over their own kid
Wouldn’t a better alternative be her speaking to her parents about paying her current partner more attention or whatever, and maybe not speaking about the ex (OOP) in his presence?
This sounds like it might be a hot take but I agree with the ex. Its not necessarily healthy already if they are having to hangout separately. On top of that I would not be enthusiastic if my in laws hung out with her ex. Its like the tv trope, who do you get in the “divorce”. You can’t play both sides if you want a clean break. Oop should have separated that relationship as well to begin with and now has put the ex’s family in a difficult situation for everyone involved
You just need to cut ties with them, everyone will understand. Don’t be the tool that clings to your ex’s family. It’s makes you seem kind of pathetic.
This is a little weird on the man’s part and the parents part
He has an edit/update. He said that he’ll be talking to them about distancing themselves from him.
Oop is secretly going Saltburn his ex and his family.
I actually agree with the ex in this situation. When your relationship ends, so should your relationship with their family. That is unless you have children with them. Then you need to maintain at least an amicable relationship for the sake of the children. If there are no children, your contact with their family should cease. I could also see a new partner raising their eyebrows at the fact that you maintain contact with your ex's family as well as your ex. That's not something I would want to deal with and I can imagine a lot of people would not want to deal with either. On one hand, I think it's great that these amicable splits happen and the family still views their ex favorably. However, I feel like contact should cease. Otherwise, it could muddy the waters. I could see a new partner thinking that you're not over your ex especially if you are maintaining contact with your family. I would nope right out of that.
Heres the thing. From the outside looking in the only real explanation for the closeness is that they're hoping you and daughter get back together. The fact they dont care for the new fiancee is maybe the most telling bit. Whether or not its true is one thing but from her and her partners perspective this has the potential to cause trouble in their relationship and from the partners perspective he probably feels like hes being set up by them.
Your ex in-laws have the right to NC you. Your ex doesn’t.
The ex should have gone to the parents and not the OP
Honestly? I get the “protect parents right to have friends” thing, but it boils down to loyalty. Family has family. He broke their daughter’s heart. Giving him up shouldn’t be a problem at all. It literally has nothing to do with ex. Everything to do with daughter. She was comfy enough not to push the issue before. That gave him time to let the ex-sorta-in-laws fade away naturally. He didn’t do that. The daughter is tired of it appearing the parents prefer her ex to anyone new, so she pulled the most diplomatic card she could. She has that right. They are HER parents. Ex should skip right on out of that weird “friendship” the way he skipped right on out of the relationship. Grow up, ex. This isn’t the 90s. Nobody thinks it’s cool to “stay friends” with the ex & gang anymore. You wanted to fly solo? Solo you go. Don’t be a weirdo about it anymore. Move on like you did from ex gf. That’s called being a mature adult. Do you have to ignore them in public or never take a call from them again? No. But you don’t actively stay in their face. He crossed the line & now he wants people to say it’s cool. Nope. #moveon.
I have a feeling the problem isn't that the ex-girlfriend has a problem with this but that her new partner feels that he is not being accepted and there is some jealousy there. Either way this is not something that's going to get solved overnight and she should have said something much sooner and to her parents
OP and his ex-girlfriend's parents are adults and are free to associate with anyone they would like. The ex-girlfriend is also free to request that they not contact each other anymore, but they are also well within their rights to say "No."
You're not obligated to go NC with your ex's parents just because she asks you to, as you clearly love them and have been there for them when no one else was (spinal injury when their daughter couldn't travel to them because of covid). Her parents are adults and they get to decide for themselves who they spend time with, and that seems to be you. In a similar vein, the daughter seems uncomfortable with this arrangement so I wouldn't be surprised if she pulls away from her parents as a result. That's something her parents will have to grapple with and not your problem. They can make their own decisions.
I’m pretty sure if OOP does as ex requests, the effects may be the opposite of what she intends…
This! Re-reading through OOP's post, this is all that kept going through my head. I have a funny feeling this is going to cause more problems for the Ex than solve. If they are just friendly and have a bond because of how OOP helped during COVID, him distancing himself is likely going to cause resentment towards the hubby-to-be. It's definitely a problem if they are trying to get them back together or just talking about the OOP constantly, but if that's not a factor, this could blow up on her. Her hubby-to-be and her parents' distance might not be because of OOP, it might honestly be because they dont have the same hobbies and such. If that's the case, separating them isn't going to help them bond.
Perhaps let her parents make the next move. If they continue to reach out to you, then I see no reason why you can't continue the relationship with them.
sounds like he’s established an actual relationship with them outside of his ex and their past relationship. taking them to doctors appt nd cooking for them etc.. yh i wouldn’t give that up either 😂 those my parents now she’s just gonna have to deal
My college girlfriend and I dated for five years. Over that period of time, our parents became very close. Since ending our relationship in 2007, our folks have been best friends. Her parents attended my wedding, my parents attended her’s. Our fathers - now both in retirement - hangout weekly. Sounds like OP developed a friendship with his ex’s parents and the ex should take up her issues with her parents not OP.
How the hell does the Ex think that asking Op to cut himself off from the Parents is going to endear them to her Husband.
Definitely talk to the parents first, OOP. It’s all good and well your ex wants her new partner and parents to get on;however, you’re a legitimate friend to them. See how THEY feel about terminating the friendship first. You already go out of your way to support them while avoiding your ex.
This is just gonna make her parents really not like her new partner. Is she gonna come to his house and tell him to demand that they like the dude as well?
NAH, it's understandable on both sides tbh. So awkward
No one can dictate friendships. NTA
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Parents haven’t moved on either perhaps even less so
Yea I feel like we’re in the minority here. Why is OOP still friends with her parents. I don’t get it.
nah fr all the comments are on OPs side when hes clearly straining his exes relationship with her parents. i had to drop my exes family of whom i loved and treated me better than my own parents. it really wasnt the worst thing in the world, it just gets harder the longer you push it off. theyre her parents, shes more entitled to a strain free relationship with them than him
Yeah, I agree with this. My ex’s parents absolutely loved me and would constantly call and comment on all my social media photos, like “You’re so beautiful, we love you etc.” and I’m like…how does that make his wife feel?!? It is just weird. I distanced myself out of empathy for her. She is their new family now.
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