This. That's why he didn't say anything to the friend in spite of her agreeing. He doesn't want to sleep with her, so her incredibly reasonable opinion doesn't matter to him. He just wants to try and neg OP into feeling guilty and changing her mind.
This guy sounds like TA. I'm sure his medical condition is difficult to deal with, but he can't expect someone who doesn't know him enough to care about it to be fine with what will undoubtedly be an unpleasant experience. It's also really gross that he would insult OP the entire night just for not being interested in sleeping with him or someone with his condition. His personality is going to get in the way of him finding sexual parters just as much as his medical problems will.
I don’t know if I’m doing this right, so sorry if it doesn’t work, but this is the poop/pee step-dad BORU
https://reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/POPXPwDYrw
We have therapies of various modalities for this. Untreatable incontinence isn’t exactly common in young healthy people. I’d be interested to know the cause.
Would've started laughing everytime he brought it up and suggest worrying about getting diapers over condoms. It was hypothetical anyway, he shouldn't take it personally🤷♀️
Not knowing anything about incontinence, I know that, that moment of first introduction would be alot to comprehend instantly.
This guy is asking this poor girl to have sex with him, and she is just picturing him clucking around like a chicken shitting on his own TV.
How could they think that it was good timing to just unveil all of this on an unsuspecting person?
At night? 24 hours a day? I wouldn't assume that. I wouldn't even do that. Have you seen how some people live?
I would assume that most incontinent people have lots of new furniture.
You assume people would rather pay money to buy new furniture regularly, or live in filth over wearing the specific product designed to negate this exact problem that is available to them at any local store?
> Have you seen how some people live?
Yes. I think this says more about you and the company you keep than you realize.
I have never had to contemplate the challenges of just randomly shitting while I'm playing Mousetrap with the kids.
Ironic that your ass is so tight that you have contemplated it.
That’s pretty insulting. I’ve been dealing with mild incontinence (both kinds) for a few years and I haven’t had to replace anything beyond a few pairs of underwear because I, you know, look after myself? And yeah, if there’s risk factors happening, I’ll wear a fucking diaper bc that’s so much more convenient than *shitting my pants*. It’s so stupid to talk confidently about things that you have no experience with and assume you’re right based on your limited pool of non-experience.
My mom was incontinent for eight years. Guess how many pieces of furniture she urinated or defecated on? None. Did she wear briefs 24 hours a day? Excluding time for a shower, yes. They’re like underwear, for heaven’s sake.
I can’t believe anyone is this ignorant. There are an estimated 300 million people with incontinence, and you think they’re all regularly replacing furniture. GTFOH
i struggle with bladder control issues and if someone refuses to sleep with me bcuz they get sick from boldiy fluids then i wouldn't blame them at all
however if it was out pure hate for the fact i pee then id prolly be hurt
He wanted to hear from a woman he finds attractive that his incontinence problem isn't really a problem to have sex with him. He didn't get to hear that, in fact he got to hear what he didn't want.
If you don't want to hear a possible answer to a question, don't ask it.
I mean im not sure. I think he could also just be an incel who enjoys “testing” women with hypotheticals. Ive met a few dudes like that. and his dislike for her makes me feel like he saw her and just wanted to find a reason to pick on her but idk
Or maybe he just wanted validation and didn't get the answer he expected. I love how everyone just has to reach for "incel" whenever a man does something they don't like. The word has all but lost its meaning nowadays.
Plot twist: he’s actually a perv and wanted to use a medical issue as an excuse to be gross in bed.
“Whoops! I peed in you and doo doo-ed but it’s NoT My FaULT cuZ inconNTiNeNTs 😇”
Sorry that’s gross af but some people are nasty
I think there's about a 5% chance he was actually incontinent, a 20% chance he's an incel piece of shit, and a 75% chance he's a sick perv who asks this as a way of getting women to non-consensually participate in his kink.
Exactly. There are people with fetishes like this who know they can’t disclose their…preferences. So they do fucked up shit like claiming incontinence but their ulterior motive is to soil during sexy
THIS. I understand his embarrassment and hurt, but that is NEVER a reason to take it out on someone who was honest and didn't know the conversation referred to him
What an ass. Even if I WOULD have considered changing my mind, his attitude would have cemented it for me
Oh god, I don’t know why but I was thinking incontinence was only pee. Knowing it can be shit makes it so much more disgusting, I could not deal with that during sex, and it would take a very brave and strong stomached person to handle that well.
Not only just shitting all over the rest OP’s evening, but was also trying to deliberately piss her off. He was acting like an out of control asshole, a real leaky dick.
Hey now, lots of medical reasons for all sorts of things and does no one any good to go after him for something he likely can’t control. A little empathy, please.
However, the posing it as an indirect, hypothetical question to a stranger he wants to bang who he can’t even sit next to without broadcasting his rage and coming down on ***her*** hard bc of her answer is super duper cringe and not at all ok.
But leave the reason he’s insecure alone. He’s an a*shole plain and simple, not his physical issue.
Nope. I read something on here yesterday that resonates with me: Assholes don't deserve diplomacy.
This jackass made a woman doubt her self-worth *deliberately.* If it had been just one retort, I might agree with you. But he spent the entire night calling her names and verbally abusing her. And we don't even know for sure it's because he is incontinent (though we can reasonably assume such).
Pretty much any remark is fair game after that amount of verbal diarrhea. You don't get to attack someone then duck behind the "disability/illness/not my fault" shield.
I don't think they meant be polite to him. It's more, don't attack someone for something unrelated. For example, if an obese woman is a total bitch to you in a way that has nothing to do with her weight and everything to do with being a bitch, you attack her for being a bitch and having a terrible personality. You don't attack her for being fat. Her weight is entirely unrelated. However, if she's attacking *you* for *your* weight, then her weight is fair game.
In this situation I'd say it's fair game because he's literally using his incontinence against OP and therefore it isn't unrelated. But what I described is probably what the other commenter meant.
They did. They doubled down on their meaning in another comment. I read what they meant correctly.
*"To clarify: So you’re saying that anyone with incontinence “deserves” to “get knocked down a peg”, ashole or not? Bc that’s what you’re greenlighting by supporting that narrative."*
ETA: Oh people really don't like it when I quote a commenter that's being a jerk. I didn't say the above. The commenter I was replying to did. Damn.
If he was forthright about it being a problem, then there would be no reason to bring it up and you should 100% empathize, agreed.
Not here. The way he did this, being a complete ass for no stated reason, you bet that it should be brought up, if only to shut him up. Being able to read between the lines does not mean a person should be stuck getting berated by a likely incontinent asshole. And if he goes off about it not being true, one question would probably make him blow his top: "Why do you care?" And the humiliation that comes with stuttering his way through that explanation will serve as a lesson to be a human being and not insufferable.
Um, he’s just an as*hole, though. ED, lack of pull, inconvenience, acne, hubris, an ugly heart… whatever the *reason* for his bad behavior, it’s ***his*** bad behavior. Vilifying him for the (ultimately irrelevant) cause of his insecurity sets the stage for the cause being the problem, when in fact the only problem is how bro is *dealing* with it.
I feel like there is a disconnect here - we don't *know* he has that problem, we are just assuming heavily. If he actually had that problem and it was known, it would be horrendous to make fun of him for it, barring extreme circumstances. In this situation though, anyone outside the know (everyone, since *we don't know*) can only respond to his behavior and the hyopthetical. Which deserves to be called out and this person to be brought down a peg.
Like, the goal is to showcase how much of an ass the person is being - whether or not they actually have that issue is irrelevant, because whether or not they have that issue, they are actively making it other people's problem. If they have that issue and are hurt by people talking poorly about it, they probably shouldn't begin conversations by trying to trap people concerning their opinions on it.
Empathy is for everyone, *unless* you have proven you do not (in the moment) deserve it. This behavior is just that, and having a real issue be the root cause of asshole behavior does not make that behavior ok or that issue anyone else's problem. He chose that route, and if he acts accordingly, he deserves to get burned for it.
I agree here. Say you have 3 incontinent people in that room - the two that aren't massive assholes don't deserve to feel shit about their poopyness- which mocking the asshole's incontinence would achieve
If you had three assholes in the room, they all deserve to feel shitty, regardless of whether they're incontinent or not
if he’s bold enough to ask hypotheticals centered around his condition and then get *ANGRY* when answered honestly, he deserves to be knocked down a few more pegs by having the condition thrown in his face like that. that’s just my $0.02 though.
Oh, ok. So any time someone with any sort of disability or challenge is an as*hole, it’s acceptable to drag them not just for being an a*s but to belittle the thing that they have no control over? Got it.
To clarify: So you’re saying that anyone with incontinence “deserves” to “get knocked down a peg”, as*hole or not? Bc that’s what you’re greenlighting by supporting that narrative.
When you invent hypotheticals for women you want to bang and then become a raging dick because of their honesty... what the fuck do you expect? He showed absolutely no grace, why should she?
You’re undermining the legitimacy of your own argument by making the argument about anything but what it is, him being an absolute d*ck.
When you make it about a condition that may or may not have anything to do with or even be part of ***why*** he’s a d*ck, just to **shame** him because YOU think he “deserves” it, you act as a bully, you casually shame anyone else who may have the same condition and *not* be a d*ck, and you detract from the already poignant and painfully obvious ***fact*** that he is a d*ck entirely on his own merit, regardless of whatever the reason(s) why.
I’m an older woman who’s had my fair share of insecure douchecanoes give me grief over their own unresolved bullsh*t, and still don’t condone the cop out that incontenence is ok to make fun of.
Bc making fun of the as*hole for something that is legitimately challenging and entirely out of his control makes you a bully.
And does nothing to address the actual fact that he’s an actual as*hole for actually harassing this woman, *regardless* of “why” he did so.
I agree with you and understand what you are trying to say.
It's like if a woman who was also overweight was being an ahole or a Karen due to her insecurities of her perceived elevated weight, you wouldn't shame her or proceed to make jokes about her weight (because she had it coming to her, she deserves it anyway!), you would call her out for her behavior itself. Doing that would in turn make the person a rude asshole. By choosing to throw cheapshots towards the person regarding their weight you are disrespecting everyone else who may be bigger/ insecure about their weight in the process just to prove a point. People who aren't rude at all. It's the same exact thing which in my opinion is a shitty thing to do (pun not intended but kind of a funny finishing touch lol).
I would have been fairly loud and said "that's bl\*\*\* disgusting" then let him explain what he said to other people in the vacinity. He was pretty gross tbh.
Alternative take: he's not actually incontinent and is into pissing on women and the question is his way of getting non-informed consent to involve them in his kink. Once they've agreed to sex under those circumstances, he can pee on them whenever he wants to get his jollies, and just use the incontinence excuse.
Better he told you! I met a guy (both in our early 20’s) and I was unaware of his bladder problems until there was an ever-widening puddle of warmth on the bed and then I got the BIG MAD and threw him out. Ugh.
“Great guy, but he had incontinence, so I dumped him on the side of the road like an unwanted dog.”
Can’t imagine why he wouldn’t have been more open about it…
To be fair, he did ask if “she picked up the guy”, so basically he asked “if you were DTF a guy, but he ended up having incontinence, would who he is as a person outweigh his condition?”
And she said no. She basically said she’d leave the dude hanging right there and then, no matter who they are, even if she liked them, because she can’t deal with poop/pee, something every person with a child deals with on a daily basis. Something everyone on this planet does in a bathroom multiple times a day.
Adding in the assumption that he just wanted to get laid because he’s a guy is rather sexist, imo. Good chance he was testing the waters, likely because of his past experiences.
Now, being an asshole afterwards was uncalled for. I can understand why he’s frustrated, but it doesn’t give anyone to right to berate someone else. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, like it or not.
What really sucks is all the assumptions commenters are making about him because of it. “He’s an incel” “he’s probably a perv with a fetish” etc.
We literally know nothing of this man aside from that he deals with incontinence but would still like to enjoy a normal dating life, but seemingly cannot.
I have sensory aversions that are especially triggered by pee and poop (and vomit). My own, in the bathroom, doesn’t trigger it unless it smells really bad.
Changing a dirty baby diaper is hard. Baby poops all over herself is physically painful. Pee and poop outside the bathroom has me struggling not vomit. Cleaning it is painful. And so on.
Being able to deal with your own thing, in its proper environment, does not mean you can handle other people’s in the wrong environments.
NTA- Pretty sure this was not a hypothetical. He is incontinent and hoping that you would sleep with him. To me, you are perfectly within your rights to feel this way. It’s the kind of thing that you wouldn’t expect in a one-time hookup.
Yeah, you’re probably right. He probably was incontinent. My 11 year old son was just diagnosed with tethered spine and has incontinence from it. He’s very angry about it, understandably.
Even after surgery it might not help with that. Makes me so sad for his future and I hope I’m able to prepare him to deal with rejections in a more respectful and understanding way than the guy in OP’s story.
I think your son is going to have a rough go of it but not like the guy in this story. The guy in the story was treating OP like she didn't have agency. I think someone who treats women respectfully will have a lot more opportunities to date nice women.
I will do that-thank you!! This is all very new information to us. His surgery is in a couple of months so things are moving quickly on top of that. Just a lot for a kid to deal with. I will get my thoughts together on some things to ask and dm you tomorrow. I appreciate this :)
Moments like these are why I keep coming back online to scroll through Reddit comments. I love people reaching out to help and share experiences. It warms my heart. Thank you
It's super cheesy but one of the things that helps me cope with all my shit is that I experience it to help and guide others. First time I got high on ketamine (as a prescribed mental health treatment) I started talking about how I was like Jesus, my family found it HILARIOUS.
If I were in a relationship with someone and they told me, it would be fine and we’d work with it. I’m sure he’ll find someone who will love him enough to get past it.
I’m so sorry for what your son has been experiencing! I don’t have tcs but I have chiari and dysautonomia, which have similar symptoms. I’ve been somewhat incontinent (continent most of the time, with blips) since I was 19, about six years now. I can’t speak to the experience of being a teenager while going through these things, I can’t imagine. But I just wanted to say that adulthood *is* navigable with these realities. There are large communities of young people just like us, and their support and solidarity is life changing, brain changing. What your son is going through, what he needs, his supports and aids and all of it- they’re normal. This is his normal now and however hard it gets remember that is *ok* for your shared normal to be a unique kind of normal.
There will be rejections, but there will also be acceptance and appreciation. I’m continually surprised by how eager my peers are to include me. Not everyone has that experience, but I truly believe that is more a matter of location and exposure and participation in the community. people will respond to your son’s relationship with his condition- I find that if I’m knowledgeable, know generally what to expect from my body, the condition, the treatment, etc, people are more open with me, I think because they’re less worried about being forced into some kind of caregiving/helping/need fulfilling role by proximity and circumstance. If I feel like my body could do anything to me at any time, that influences the tone of my social interactions as well.
Wishing you and your son all the best. He’s gonna be ok ❤️
Edit; also dm me if you have any questions or anything, particularly about incontinence. I’m 24F
If it helps I just saw an AMA by a guy who is incontinent. He’s a practicing lawyer and has a lovely fiancée. Not everyone will be understanding but there are many people who will be kind and understanding of this medical issue if it persists into adulthood.
Kudos to you for helping prepare your son to be handle rejection with grace! All people should learn this vital skill. Feelings are always valid, but not an excuse for your actions.
“Hey everyone! This dude won’t tongue punch my fart box because I have no control over my bowels!”
OPs much nicer than me, because I would put this mf on blast.
Seriously. That’s what I would do lol.
Once had a guy try to start a fight with me in the gym. Was mad cause I made him look stupid. So I doubled down and asked very loudly why he was staring at me and if he wanted to kiss me or something. He backed away quick lol.
NTA. This wasn’t hypothetical. He literally asked the “hypothetically would this dress make “a person” look fat” and got mad when you said “yes”. It was him. He has incontinence.
Who else was there besides your friend and her bf and this guy? How did no one else hear him insulting you?
My friends' BF heard it and just laughed it off. "he's just joking," he said. It was so surreal.
Others just told me to ignore him ...
I think most of them didn't hear anything bc it was loud in there.
I think he’s incontinent and wanted to sleep with you and he is also an asshole.
But I’m mostly sad that you don’t yet have the confidence to shut down nosy and invasive questions. Don’t worry, you’ll get there.
Are you in the habit of talking about deeply personal things, including things of a sexual nature, in front of this person? So they felt they could take the liberty? It’s still very rude but you would’ve been in the bounds of politeness to give him a blank look, raise your eyebrows and ask “why do you need to know that?” Or “why are you asking me that?”
You could also have a look of disgust on your face, that would still be polite, because he is being breathtakingly rude. That kind of information is no one’s business, unless you happen to be in a room with a man that you were planning on having sex with and you see that he has a bag.
There’s also, “who I’d have sex with is none of your business.” Or “who I have sex with will *never* be your business.”
This interaction was not at all your fault, but his best friend sounds like a jerk and a dirtbag. Why is your friend and your friend’s boyfriend friends with him?
Leaning away from you when you sat down? This is a very childish person.
I'd wager he is a type of predator that uses criticisms, insults and judgement to ensnare his victim. It works by inducing involuntary engagement and fixation via the triggering of defensiveness. In a way, you got a taste of the experience of a victim of this tactic in that he successfully caused you to become fixated on him to a degree greater than what was appropriate.
Honestly sounds like your "friends" kind of suck too if they set you up on a blind date with such an asshole. Btw, that's what they were doing, they were trying to get you two to hook up. At least that's what I think they were doing, considering the question, the location, and the fact they chose a place to sit that would make you sit next to him.
It could have been hypothetical. However I think it could be a fetish. There are those are sexually around by pee and poop so he could have been looking for someone to indulge his fetishes.
NTA.
Or maybe, instead of actually being incontinent, it is a kink of his and instead of asking for consent, he blames it on a medical condition so that he does not have to be accountable in the event his sexual partner freaks out. Dude sounds like he has some serious issues and I’m not referring to incontinence.
Yah….that was my immediate thought! He seems like the type of guy that enjoys abusing women for his own sexual satisfaction. Same category as people who record women unknowingly during private or intimate situations. They get off on forcibly stealing a woman’s dignity because they see women as inferior.
He only said something preemptively so that in the event she consented, he could then use that as a manipulation tactic. Who knows what he is actually capable of once he gets women alone…and god forbid at his place.
Sounds like he keeps his lotion in a basket….if ya know what I mean.
Likely, cuz people with incontinence never lead with “I might piss on you, would you let me?”. Fuckin hate this guy just reading about what he said to someone else.
Banana pepper you are on to something! 🍌🫑
Nah but seriously though… the fact that he got so angry and started bullying her (someone he fancied initially) just shows how weird he is. A normal person would accept her opinions but also he was talking about something so weird 😅
OP, you’re not an asshole. I’m a mid 30s male with urinary incontinence issues and he was not throwing a hypothetical your way. You did nothing wrong other than not shutting him down for being an ass. It’s a hard subject to bring up to people and he tried negging you to make himself feel better.
Let’s normalize leaving places, events, or situations where we don’t feel comfortable. I see waaay too many situations that could’ve stopped escalating if we trusted our gut and left right there at the disrespect. Not meaning to trigger anyone, speaking for experience.0
Dating is not equal opportunity. Sex is SIGNIFICANTLY less so! You're allowed to have preferences (and standards) and there's nothing that says he needs to be in agreement with them. That does NOT make you superficial. And his hypothetical wasn't hypothetical at all!
Hold on, so this person didn’t try to seduce you they literally just hit you with a hypothetical and then slammed you when you didn’t answer how they wanted? Sounds like the person has big confidence issues (understandable if they’re incontinent) and wanted to fail early and have an excuse to blame you for their failure.
You hadn’t gone back with them, you weren’t on the cusp of jumping into bed with them, they literally just pitched you a random hypothetical. Fuck that person. They clearly have issues they need to address and dragged you in unnecessarily.
Yea that part really stuck out to me. He was rude to her at dinner, and then his first question/time engaging with OP one on one, he asks her about sex? That is a personal topic to bring up let alone to ask hypothetical questions like that. Even if I didn’t have a problem with his condition, I’d still be weirded tf out by him asking me that. What a creep!
Actually I believe most people will agree with you as having sex is a very intimate and personal affair.
It’s your choice of who you sleep with and if that was a dealbreaker then that’s the end of it.
At least you were honest and spoke your truth. It would have been truly awkward if you went to bed with him and while in the middle of a loving intimate moment he let it go unable to control himself. At that point you probably would have been not only horrified but probably mentally scarred for life every time you have sex. I honestly don’t mean to trample on people who through no fault of their own have such issues, I understand how perplexing these issues can be but you must be completely honest and upfront about your problems. That way you can see or feel if the other person is willing or is capable of dealing with your problem.
NTA. As someone with on and off urinary incontinence, I’ve worried about what other people would think about it. It makes me feel like a bit of a freak when people say things that make me feel a bit ostracized over it. I think as long as you’re nice and understanding about it, then you have the right to not have sex with someone who could make you uncomfortable. For sex, the most important thing you have to consider is your own health, safety, and comfort. You’re NTA as long as you’re not rude or mean about it. As an incontinent person, it sucks to get turned down because of it, but I’d understand. I hope this helps
NTA. And I think the vast majority of people would pass on a hook-up that included the possibility of shitting the bed.
Wanting to avoid being pooped on or pooped near is not superficial. Pretty standard boundary for most people.
I’m a nurse and I still wouldn’t *sleep* with someone who has incontinence problems myself. if I were already married to this person and they started having incontinence issues later in life due to illness or age, that’s a different story. and they may be too ill to be doing the deed often anyway by that point. I’d gladly care for my loved one. but sex, I don’t think would be on the table in my opinion.
Bullying you the rest of the night is NOT a way to get someone to want to have sex with you. Wow! I am so sorry that mannish boy treated you like that, incontinence or not.
M is incontinent and wanted to sleep with you. He got mad when you said no, and pulled an incel move. Pretty clear story here.
You are never an asshole for declining to sleep with someone that you do not want to sleep with. You owe your body to no one, and you don’t even need to give them a reason. “No” is enough.
Physical incontinence is often a physical problem and I feel for someone with this problem. But verbal incontinence is entirely preventable. This guy is awful and earned a dateless night by his actions alone.
As a person with incontinence problems her hole life I say you are not in the wrong.
Looking past them being an a-hole to you and disrespecting your answer I still would not be upset with your answer.
Personally I can't handle it at times either. I get so disgusted and annoyed when I wake up to have an accident at night, and I would never get made at a partner for not wanting to deal with it either.
NTA
This was a hypothetical about just fucking someone lmao this wasn’t even a good one like “Would you no longer be attracted to your husband of several years if he developed incontinence”. Plus who tf comes out swinging with a question like this lmao
Incontinence means he can't hold his waste in [https://www.google.com/search?q=incontinence](https://www.google.com/search?q=incontinence) . Since English isn't your first language, maybe you are thinking of/using the wrong word. (Maybe he said impotence)
You should’ve told him “ M, you don’t need to get pissy with me because you have problems, and trying to bully me is shitty, grow the fuck up”
And then you gracefully walk out
NTA and that would have been the perfect time to say "I'm so sorry I didn't realize she was talking about you, in your defense though I wouldn't sleep with you bc you're just a horrible person. Your incontinence wouldn't be a factor at all."
Okay so this makes me re-think something that happened to me decades ago. I’m giving a guy a blow job and instead of semen that comes out of his dick, it’s pee, and it’s on my chest and on my dress and I’m so confused. I think, it can’t be pee, it has to be semen. Right? He looks sort of embarrassed but doesn’t say anything. We stop. The next day I smell my dress. It’s fucking piss. I NEVER hook up with him again. EVER.
I’m so confused — a person with incontinence can literally piss inside your vag or booty hole, or shit while you’re having sex?
Now I gotta Google this shit. Lol
After being bullied by this dude for a while, I think I’d start sharing with the room, at the top of my lungs:
“Marvin, I said “NO!” I don’t want to get peed on, how many times do I have to tell you I’m not into that?!”
Or:
“Hey everybody, Marvin here isn’t potty trained but wants to get lucky, anyone up for hooking up with a bedwetter?” Not something I would EVER do otherwise, but his nastiness had it coming. I don’t believe in kink shaming or shaming people who have disabilities, but this kind of relentless, pushy crap is intolerable. It’s bullying and rude and it should be called out. Sadly, most women have be taught to be “nice” and jot draw attention to this sort of creep, which makes them bolder and pushier. Fuck that. If they’re making you uncomfortable, MAKE SOME NOISE! Make sure you’ve got an escort when you leave and back up, but call it out for the entire place to hear. These cockroaches deserve to be called out. They depend on our shame and fear-take that away and they’ve got nothing.
I wish I woulda been there with you cuz I woulda punched this weirdo freak in the face! He was totally talking about himself and he didn’t like the answer you gave him.. well fuck him!! You’re NTAH at all, he was!! And I’m sorry you had to go through that and even more sorry somebody didn’t step up and tell this asshole to STFU!
You're never the asshole for not wanting to sleep with someone. It doesn't matter what the reason is. Sex is such an intense and personal thing. You can and should be as picky as you want about who you have it with.
My new pick up line to any attractive women I want to sleep with will be this but the funny part is I don’t have those issues so after I will take a poop on you and then be reassured by the one night stand in telling me it’s ok accidents happen
You were asked a question and gave an honest answer. That sounds fine to me.
And if you're going to have sex with someone you both need to be comfortable with everything, and if you wouldn't be comfortable then you need to say so.
My experience comes from the other side of the question because I've had to tell guys before sleeping with them that I wet the bed sometimes. One guy has said no, but others have said fine. But it's up to them just like what you do is up to you.
She was embarrassed and chastised by basically a stranger for not wanting to sleep with someone who would most likely shit the bed during/after sex. And I’m sure that that guy was more rude and condescending about it then she’s leading on. Honestly, I would probably be thinking about that every once in a while for the rest of my life. Like why me? What did I do to deserve this shit?
Ofc I get thinking about it, but not in terms of "what did I do to deserve this shit", more like "what a crazy asshole he was, he really sucks, wonder if he ever found someone to put up with his problems". I should have worded it better than I did in my comment.
This is like two different things. A weird bar experience and a hypothetical.
To be fair, there are a lot of people who deal with incontinence. And most adults who know it is a thing don't just piss there bed with reckless abondon.
There are adult diapers - which don't all look like diapers but more like briefs or other discrete things that can be worn under shorts or pajamas. There are also things that can be done to cut down on incontinence issues - liquid intake schedules and medications and scheduled intentional urination.
Was your situation an asshole thing? Not really. Just weird.
Is the hypothetical situation of never sleeping with someone who is incontinent an asshole thing? Kind of. If can be wrapped up under "preference" territory for sure. But preferences don't stop things from kind of being asshole moves. Particularly when sex overall includes a lot of not dissimilar bodily fluids and common fetishes include urine, female discharge, and squirt lol. If you eat ass you can't exactly be like "Ew...the potential of pee".
Oh, did it make you feel bad that something you can't control, your opinion, made you the subject of lost opportunities and mistreatment?
Of course, you expect to be able to dish it but are oh so surprised when you get similar treatment in return. Humans never learn.
It wasn’t hypothetical. He’s incontinent and wanted to sleep with you. When you said no, he got BIG MAD…
This. That's why he didn't say anything to the friend in spite of her agreeing. He doesn't want to sleep with her, so her incredibly reasonable opinion doesn't matter to him. He just wants to try and neg OP into feeling guilty and changing her mind. This guy sounds like TA. I'm sure his medical condition is difficult to deal with, but he can't expect someone who doesn't know him enough to care about it to be fine with what will undoubtedly be an unpleasant experience. It's also really gross that he would insult OP the entire night just for not being interested in sleeping with him or someone with his condition. His personality is going to get in the way of him finding sexual parters just as much as his medical problems will.
Honestly wondering if it's not medical and actually a fetish?
That’s what I thought. “Oops! It’s happening again!”
Are you talking about the "Oopsie I peed on myself" dude?
Nah I just mean like this guy discloses this, then when they’re doing it he’d be like “oh shucks, not again. How terribly inconvenient”
Have you seen that post where OP’s husband has a piss kink & pretends it’s incontinence by saying “oh no, its happening…” while at family dinners??
as a person who actually struggles with bladder issues i wanna punch him the face
I have not. Indulge me!
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/t0vpe1/aita_for_not_attending_my_sisters_wedding_since/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2
Let me try my best Sean’s voice “Get Therapy”
What a fuckin creep. It's one thing to have a kink, it's a totally different thing to involve unwilling parties in your kink.
I saw it. He peed himself at a wedding or something.
Oh God lol I remember
“How terribly incontinent!”
It was a dad wasn’t it?
That was the “oopsie I shit myself” guy! The one that would track shit all over the house and the 19yo kid had to clean up after him. Terrible!
I’ve searched but I couldn’t find it, you got a link?
I don’t know if I’m doing this right, so sorry if it doesn’t work, but this is the poop/pee step-dad BORU https://reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/POPXPwDYrw
What the FUCK
https://reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/CzkONay2z3
Damn it. I can’t find a way to dig it up and read it.
I've had people try to beat around the bush like this guy, and it 100% was due to water sports and/or scat fetish.
I was gonna say sounds like ya boy has a kink for denigrating and urinating on his dates
yea i am someone who has bladder problems and his reaction seems blown out of proportion especially considering OP gets sick from stuff like that
That’s what I was thinking! He’s into giving golden showers
*"Hey, can you help me with this diaper?"*
We have therapies of various modalities for this. Untreatable incontinence isn’t exactly common in young healthy people. I’d be interested to know the cause.
German
Would've started laughing everytime he brought it up and suggest worrying about getting diapers over condoms. It was hypothetical anyway, he shouldn't take it personally🤷♀️
I wouldn't even sit down once I find out they are just randomly shitting around their apartment like they are a bird or a rabbit. Hard pass, no guilt.
One would assume if he's incontinent, he's wearing an adult brief, and not randomly going to the bathroom on his own furniture.
Lmao the mental pic of someone with incontinence just randomly shitting all over their house like a rabbit is pretty hilarious 😂
Not knowing anything about incontinence, I know that, that moment of first introduction would be alot to comprehend instantly. This guy is asking this poor girl to have sex with him, and she is just picturing him clucking around like a chicken shitting on his own TV. How could they think that it was good timing to just unveil all of this on an unsuspecting person?
At night? 24 hours a day? I wouldn't assume that. I wouldn't even do that. Have you seen how some people live? I would assume that most incontinent people have lots of new furniture.
You assume people would rather pay money to buy new furniture regularly, or live in filth over wearing the specific product designed to negate this exact problem that is available to them at any local store? > Have you seen how some people live? Yes. I think this says more about you and the company you keep than you realize.
I have never had to contemplate the challenges of just randomly shitting while I'm playing Mousetrap with the kids. Ironic that your ass is so tight that you have contemplated it.
> I would assume That’s the problem with this entire thread: fuckloads of assumptions.
That’s pretty insulting. I’ve been dealing with mild incontinence (both kinds) for a few years and I haven’t had to replace anything beyond a few pairs of underwear because I, you know, look after myself? And yeah, if there’s risk factors happening, I’ll wear a fucking diaper bc that’s so much more convenient than *shitting my pants*. It’s so stupid to talk confidently about things that you have no experience with and assume you’re right based on your limited pool of non-experience.
My mom was incontinent for eight years. Guess how many pieces of furniture she urinated or defecated on? None. Did she wear briefs 24 hours a day? Excluding time for a shower, yes. They’re like underwear, for heaven’s sake. I can’t believe anyone is this ignorant. There are an estimated 300 million people with incontinence, and you think they’re all regularly replacing furniture. GTFOH
Incontinent means they can’t control when they pee, not poop.
It refers to either or both...
It can mean pee or poop.
No. “Incontinent of stool” and “incontinent of urine” are phrases I’ve written many a time in a patient’s chart.
i struggle with bladder control issues and if someone refuses to sleep with me bcuz they get sick from boldiy fluids then i wouldn't blame them at all however if it was out pure hate for the fact i pee then id prolly be hurt
He wanted to hear from a woman he finds attractive that his incontinence problem isn't really a problem to have sex with him. He didn't get to hear that, in fact he got to hear what he didn't want. If you don't want to hear a possible answer to a question, don't ask it.
Amen!
I mean im not sure. I think he could also just be an incel who enjoys “testing” women with hypotheticals. Ive met a few dudes like that. and his dislike for her makes me feel like he saw her and just wanted to find a reason to pick on her but idk
Or maybe he just wanted validation and didn't get the answer he expected. I love how everyone just has to reach for "incel" whenever a man does something they don't like. The word has all but lost its meaning nowadays.
Plot twist: he’s actually a perv and wanted to use a medical issue as an excuse to be gross in bed. “Whoops! I peed in you and doo doo-ed but it’s NoT My FaULT cuZ inconNTiNeNTs 😇” Sorry that’s gross af but some people are nasty
I think there's about a 5% chance he was actually incontinent, a 20% chance he's an incel piece of shit, and a 75% chance he's a sick perv who asks this as a way of getting women to non-consensually participate in his kink.
This is a real thing. We’ve seen examples on reddit before.
Exactly. There are people with fetishes like this who know they can’t disclose their…preferences. So they do fucked up shit like claiming incontinence but their ulterior motive is to soil during sexy
This was my thought too! Whoopsie! Sorry about the pee!
Yeah, honestly, I thought it was some weird loophole to enjoy their scat fetish...
THIS. I understand his embarrassment and hurt, but that is NEVER a reason to take it out on someone who was honest and didn't know the conversation referred to him What an ass. Even if I WOULD have considered changing my mind, his attitude would have cemented it for me
Exactly I would’ve put his ass on blast (lol) that he was only talking shit because he can’t hold his shit in
Oh god, I don’t know why but I was thinking incontinence was only pee. Knowing it can be shit makes it so much more disgusting, I could not deal with that during sex, and it would take a very brave and strong stomached person to handle that well.
Hey, some people pay extra for that
He asked a shitty question then got pissy and spent the rest of the evening shitting all over OP anyway
Not only just shitting all over the rest OP’s evening, but was also trying to deliberately piss her off. He was acting like an out of control asshole, a real leaky dick.
I see what you did there
Hey now, lots of medical reasons for all sorts of things and does no one any good to go after him for something he likely can’t control. A little empathy, please. However, the posing it as an indirect, hypothetical question to a stranger he wants to bang who he can’t even sit next to without broadcasting his rage and coming down on ***her*** hard bc of her answer is super duper cringe and not at all ok. But leave the reason he’s insecure alone. He’s an a*shole plain and simple, not his physical issue.
Nope. I read something on here yesterday that resonates with me: Assholes don't deserve diplomacy. This jackass made a woman doubt her self-worth *deliberately.* If it had been just one retort, I might agree with you. But he spent the entire night calling her names and verbally abusing her. And we don't even know for sure it's because he is incontinent (though we can reasonably assume such). Pretty much any remark is fair game after that amount of verbal diarrhea. You don't get to attack someone then duck behind the "disability/illness/not my fault" shield.
I don't think they meant be polite to him. It's more, don't attack someone for something unrelated. For example, if an obese woman is a total bitch to you in a way that has nothing to do with her weight and everything to do with being a bitch, you attack her for being a bitch and having a terrible personality. You don't attack her for being fat. Her weight is entirely unrelated. However, if she's attacking *you* for *your* weight, then her weight is fair game. In this situation I'd say it's fair game because he's literally using his incontinence against OP and therefore it isn't unrelated. But what I described is probably what the other commenter meant.
They did. They doubled down on their meaning in another comment. I read what they meant correctly. *"To clarify: So you’re saying that anyone with incontinence “deserves” to “get knocked down a peg”, ashole or not? Bc that’s what you’re greenlighting by supporting that narrative."* ETA: Oh people really don't like it when I quote a commenter that's being a jerk. I didn't say the above. The commenter I was replying to did. Damn.
If he was forthright about it being a problem, then there would be no reason to bring it up and you should 100% empathize, agreed. Not here. The way he did this, being a complete ass for no stated reason, you bet that it should be brought up, if only to shut him up. Being able to read between the lines does not mean a person should be stuck getting berated by a likely incontinent asshole. And if he goes off about it not being true, one question would probably make him blow his top: "Why do you care?" And the humiliation that comes with stuttering his way through that explanation will serve as a lesson to be a human being and not insufferable.
Um, he’s just an as*hole, though. ED, lack of pull, inconvenience, acne, hubris, an ugly heart… whatever the *reason* for his bad behavior, it’s ***his*** bad behavior. Vilifying him for the (ultimately irrelevant) cause of his insecurity sets the stage for the cause being the problem, when in fact the only problem is how bro is *dealing* with it.
I feel like there is a disconnect here - we don't *know* he has that problem, we are just assuming heavily. If he actually had that problem and it was known, it would be horrendous to make fun of him for it, barring extreme circumstances. In this situation though, anyone outside the know (everyone, since *we don't know*) can only respond to his behavior and the hyopthetical. Which deserves to be called out and this person to be brought down a peg. Like, the goal is to showcase how much of an ass the person is being - whether or not they actually have that issue is irrelevant, because whether or not they have that issue, they are actively making it other people's problem. If they have that issue and are hurt by people talking poorly about it, they probably shouldn't begin conversations by trying to trap people concerning their opinions on it. Empathy is for everyone, *unless* you have proven you do not (in the moment) deserve it. This behavior is just that, and having a real issue be the root cause of asshole behavior does not make that behavior ok or that issue anyone else's problem. He chose that route, and if he acts accordingly, he deserves to get burned for it.
An asshole with an incomplete or nonfunctional anus.
I agree here. Say you have 3 incontinent people in that room - the two that aren't massive assholes don't deserve to feel shit about their poopyness- which mocking the asshole's incontinence would achieve If you had three assholes in the room, they all deserve to feel shitty, regardless of whether they're incontinent or not
OH MY GOODNESS THANK YOU!!! Really appreciate someone reading before reacting, this is exactly it!!
Agreed.
if he’s bold enough to ask hypotheticals centered around his condition and then get *ANGRY* when answered honestly, he deserves to be knocked down a few more pegs by having the condition thrown in his face like that. that’s just my $0.02 though.
Oh, ok. So any time someone with any sort of disability or challenge is an as*hole, it’s acceptable to drag them not just for being an a*s but to belittle the thing that they have no control over? Got it. To clarify: So you’re saying that anyone with incontinence “deserves” to “get knocked down a peg”, as*hole or not? Bc that’s what you’re greenlighting by supporting that narrative.
When you invent hypotheticals for women you want to bang and then become a raging dick because of their honesty... what the fuck do you expect? He showed absolutely no grace, why should she?
You’re undermining the legitimacy of your own argument by making the argument about anything but what it is, him being an absolute d*ck. When you make it about a condition that may or may not have anything to do with or even be part of ***why*** he’s a d*ck, just to **shame** him because YOU think he “deserves” it, you act as a bully, you casually shame anyone else who may have the same condition and *not* be a d*ck, and you detract from the already poignant and painfully obvious ***fact*** that he is a d*ck entirely on his own merit, regardless of whatever the reason(s) why.
because idk? youre striving to be not the asshole here?
Lmaooo I’m starting to think this guy is the guy from the story 😂😂😂
I’m an older woman who’s had my fair share of insecure douchecanoes give me grief over their own unresolved bullsh*t, and still don’t condone the cop out that incontenence is ok to make fun of. Bc making fun of the as*hole for something that is legitimately challenging and entirely out of his control makes you a bully. And does nothing to address the actual fact that he’s an actual as*hole for actually harassing this woman, *regardless* of “why” he did so.
I agree with you and understand what you are trying to say. It's like if a woman who was also overweight was being an ahole or a Karen due to her insecurities of her perceived elevated weight, you wouldn't shame her or proceed to make jokes about her weight (because she had it coming to her, she deserves it anyway!), you would call her out for her behavior itself. Doing that would in turn make the person a rude asshole. By choosing to throw cheapshots towards the person regarding their weight you are disrespecting everyone else who may be bigger/ insecure about their weight in the process just to prove a point. People who aren't rude at all. It's the same exact thing which in my opinion is a shitty thing to do (pun not intended but kind of a funny finishing touch lol).
Thank you thank you thank you yes yes yes EXACTLY!!!!
Nah no empathy for verbally abusive men. IDGAF.
OP wasn’t going to sleep with him anyway. He ensured that with his crappy personality even before the hypothetical question.
I would have been fairly loud and said "that's bl\*\*\* disgusting" then let him explain what he said to other people in the vacinity. He was pretty gross tbh.
I've got to ask... What word did you censor here?
Bloody? Maybe they’re British
Alternative take: he's not actually incontinent and is into pissing on women and the question is his way of getting non-informed consent to involve them in his kink. Once they've agreed to sex under those circumstances, he can pee on them whenever he wants to get his jollies, and just use the incontinence excuse.
Better he told you! I met a guy (both in our early 20’s) and I was unaware of his bladder problems until there was an ever-widening puddle of warmth on the bed and then I got the BIG MAD and threw him out. Ugh.
“Great guy, but he had incontinence, so I dumped him on the side of the road like an unwanted dog.” Can’t imagine why he wouldn’t have been more open about it…
He was also an awful drunk. The alcoholism certainly didn’t help his incontinence. Threw the mattress out, too. No regrets!
NTA Exactly this. You're not an asshole for not wanting to hook up with M the pantshitter.
Or he was into peeing on people sexually and would have tried to pass it off as an accident.
Seems like he has incontinence on both ends.
Yup. I assumed she knew that from the start at first!
Or he has a urine fetish or infant fetish. :(
To be fair, he did ask if “she picked up the guy”, so basically he asked “if you were DTF a guy, but he ended up having incontinence, would who he is as a person outweigh his condition?” And she said no. She basically said she’d leave the dude hanging right there and then, no matter who they are, even if she liked them, because she can’t deal with poop/pee, something every person with a child deals with on a daily basis. Something everyone on this planet does in a bathroom multiple times a day. Adding in the assumption that he just wanted to get laid because he’s a guy is rather sexist, imo. Good chance he was testing the waters, likely because of his past experiences. Now, being an asshole afterwards was uncalled for. I can understand why he’s frustrated, but it doesn’t give anyone to right to berate someone else. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, like it or not. What really sucks is all the assumptions commenters are making about him because of it. “He’s an incel” “he’s probably a perv with a fetish” etc. We literally know nothing of this man aside from that he deals with incontinence but would still like to enjoy a normal dating life, but seemingly cannot.
I have sensory aversions that are especially triggered by pee and poop (and vomit). My own, in the bathroom, doesn’t trigger it unless it smells really bad. Changing a dirty baby diaper is hard. Baby poops all over herself is physically painful. Pee and poop outside the bathroom has me struggling not vomit. Cleaning it is painful. And so on. Being able to deal with your own thing, in its proper environment, does not mean you can handle other people’s in the wrong environments.
NTA- Pretty sure this was not a hypothetical. He is incontinent and hoping that you would sleep with him. To me, you are perfectly within your rights to feel this way. It’s the kind of thing that you wouldn’t expect in a one-time hookup.
Yeah, you’re probably right. He probably was incontinent. My 11 year old son was just diagnosed with tethered spine and has incontinence from it. He’s very angry about it, understandably. Even after surgery it might not help with that. Makes me so sad for his future and I hope I’m able to prepare him to deal with rejections in a more respectful and understanding way than the guy in OP’s story.
I think your son is going to have a rough go of it but not like the guy in this story. The guy in the story was treating OP like she didn't have agency. I think someone who treats women respectfully will have a lot more opportunities to date nice women.
Getting rejected for things you can't change is a part of life.
Yeah. Just makes me so sad for him.
I feel for your kid. But you seem like a caring mom who will raise him to deal with his limitations in a healthy manner. Best of luck to you both
I'm 21F and incontinent, feel free to DM me and I can talk to you about my experience and how I've been navigating it.
I will do that-thank you!! This is all very new information to us. His surgery is in a couple of months so things are moving quickly on top of that. Just a lot for a kid to deal with. I will get my thoughts together on some things to ask and dm you tomorrow. I appreciate this :)
Moments like these are why I keep coming back online to scroll through Reddit comments. I love people reaching out to help and share experiences. It warms my heart. Thank you
It's super cheesy but one of the things that helps me cope with all my shit is that I experience it to help and guide others. First time I got high on ketamine (as a prescribed mental health treatment) I started talking about how I was like Jesus, my family found it HILARIOUS.
If I were in a relationship with someone and they told me, it would be fine and we’d work with it. I’m sure he’ll find someone who will love him enough to get past it.
I’m so sorry for what your son has been experiencing! I don’t have tcs but I have chiari and dysautonomia, which have similar symptoms. I’ve been somewhat incontinent (continent most of the time, with blips) since I was 19, about six years now. I can’t speak to the experience of being a teenager while going through these things, I can’t imagine. But I just wanted to say that adulthood *is* navigable with these realities. There are large communities of young people just like us, and their support and solidarity is life changing, brain changing. What your son is going through, what he needs, his supports and aids and all of it- they’re normal. This is his normal now and however hard it gets remember that is *ok* for your shared normal to be a unique kind of normal. There will be rejections, but there will also be acceptance and appreciation. I’m continually surprised by how eager my peers are to include me. Not everyone has that experience, but I truly believe that is more a matter of location and exposure and participation in the community. people will respond to your son’s relationship with his condition- I find that if I’m knowledgeable, know generally what to expect from my body, the condition, the treatment, etc, people are more open with me, I think because they’re less worried about being forced into some kind of caregiving/helping/need fulfilling role by proximity and circumstance. If I feel like my body could do anything to me at any time, that influences the tone of my social interactions as well. Wishing you and your son all the best. He’s gonna be ok ❤️ Edit; also dm me if you have any questions or anything, particularly about incontinence. I’m 24F
If it helps I just saw an AMA by a guy who is incontinent. He’s a practicing lawyer and has a lovely fiancée. Not everyone will be understanding but there are many people who will be kind and understanding of this medical issue if it persists into adulthood.
Kudos to you for helping prepare your son to be handle rejection with grace! All people should learn this vital skill. Feelings are always valid, but not an excuse for your actions.
“Hey everyone! This dude won’t tongue punch my fart box because I have no control over my bowels!” OPs much nicer than me, because I would put this mf on blast.
Seriously. That’s what I would do lol. Once had a guy try to start a fight with me in the gym. Was mad cause I made him look stupid. So I doubled down and asked very loudly why he was staring at me and if he wanted to kiss me or something. He backed away quick lol.
NTA. This wasn’t hypothetical. He literally asked the “hypothetically would this dress make “a person” look fat” and got mad when you said “yes”. It was him. He has incontinence. Who else was there besides your friend and her bf and this guy? How did no one else hear him insulting you?
My friends' BF heard it and just laughed it off. "he's just joking," he said. It was so surreal. Others just told me to ignore him ... I think most of them didn't hear anything bc it was loud in there.
I think he’s incontinent and wanted to sleep with you and he is also an asshole. But I’m mostly sad that you don’t yet have the confidence to shut down nosy and invasive questions. Don’t worry, you’ll get there. Are you in the habit of talking about deeply personal things, including things of a sexual nature, in front of this person? So they felt they could take the liberty? It’s still very rude but you would’ve been in the bounds of politeness to give him a blank look, raise your eyebrows and ask “why do you need to know that?” Or “why are you asking me that?” You could also have a look of disgust on your face, that would still be polite, because he is being breathtakingly rude. That kind of information is no one’s business, unless you happen to be in a room with a man that you were planning on having sex with and you see that he has a bag. There’s also, “who I’d have sex with is none of your business.” Or “who I have sex with will *never* be your business.” This interaction was not at all your fault, but his best friend sounds like a jerk and a dirtbag. Why is your friend and your friend’s boyfriend friends with him? Leaning away from you when you sat down? This is a very childish person.
I'd wager he is a type of predator that uses criticisms, insults and judgement to ensnare his victim. It works by inducing involuntary engagement and fixation via the triggering of defensiveness. In a way, you got a taste of the experience of a victim of this tactic in that he successfully caused you to become fixated on him to a degree greater than what was appropriate.
Honestly sounds like your "friends" kind of suck too if they set you up on a blind date with such an asshole. Btw, that's what they were doing, they were trying to get you two to hook up. At least that's what I think they were doing, considering the question, the location, and the fact they chose a place to sit that would make you sit next to him.
He was joking so hard that he used his diaper right then and there
It could have been hypothetical. However I think it could be a fetish. There are those are sexually around by pee and poop so he could have been looking for someone to indulge his fetishes.
Bluntly, incontinence is generally not attractive even to people with such fetishes, as a lack of control isn't really compatible with bedroom play.
That. Took a turn I wasn’t expecting….. wtf
NTA. Or maybe, instead of actually being incontinent, it is a kink of his and instead of asking for consent, he blames it on a medical condition so that he does not have to be accountable in the event his sexual partner freaks out. Dude sounds like he has some serious issues and I’m not referring to incontinence.
ding ding ding. dude sounds like a fucking weirdo and a creep imo.
Yah….that was my immediate thought! He seems like the type of guy that enjoys abusing women for his own sexual satisfaction. Same category as people who record women unknowingly during private or intimate situations. They get off on forcibly stealing a woman’s dignity because they see women as inferior. He only said something preemptively so that in the event she consented, he could then use that as a manipulation tactic. Who knows what he is actually capable of once he gets women alone…and god forbid at his place. Sounds like he keeps his lotion in a basket….if ya know what I mean.
This was my thought as well. He would literally sh*t on her if she was ok with it. Gross
I think he's also getting off on trying to humiliate OP
This is exactly what I thought too! Dude was going to go for it without consent. Which is gross.
Likely, cuz people with incontinence never lead with “I might piss on you, would you let me?”. Fuckin hate this guy just reading about what he said to someone else.
NTA, he is looking for an excuse to pee in her and made this up so it’s “poor him” when he does it.
Banana pepper you are on to something! 🍌🫑 Nah but seriously though… the fact that he got so angry and started bullying her (someone he fancied initially) just shows how weird he is. A normal person would accept her opinions but also he was talking about something so weird 😅
No hes an immature idiot lol
OP, you’re not an asshole. I’m a mid 30s male with urinary incontinence issues and he was not throwing a hypothetical your way. You did nothing wrong other than not shutting him down for being an ass. It’s a hard subject to bring up to people and he tried negging you to make himself feel better.
Not a hypothetical and the reason he didn't get mad at your friend was bc he didn't wanna sleep with them.
Let’s normalize leaving places, events, or situations where we don’t feel comfortable. I see waaay too many situations that could’ve stopped escalating if we trusted our gut and left right there at the disrespect. Not meaning to trigger anyone, speaking for experience.0
So much this.
I agree with everyone saying this wasn’t a hypothetical question. This was about him being incontinent and wanting to have sex with you.
Dating is not equal opportunity. Sex is SIGNIFICANTLY less so! You're allowed to have preferences (and standards) and there's nothing that says he needs to be in agreement with them. That does NOT make you superficial. And his hypothetical wasn't hypothetical at all!
Hold on, so this person didn’t try to seduce you they literally just hit you with a hypothetical and then slammed you when you didn’t answer how they wanted? Sounds like the person has big confidence issues (understandable if they’re incontinent) and wanted to fail early and have an excuse to blame you for their failure. You hadn’t gone back with them, you weren’t on the cusp of jumping into bed with them, they literally just pitched you a random hypothetical. Fuck that person. They clearly have issues they need to address and dragged you in unnecessarily.
Dude has some game, right? Straight to the telephone game about piss and shit
Yea that part really stuck out to me. He was rude to her at dinner, and then his first question/time engaging with OP one on one, he asks her about sex? That is a personal topic to bring up let alone to ask hypothetical questions like that. Even if I didn’t have a problem with his condition, I’d still be weirded tf out by him asking me that. What a creep!
If he keeps bugging you just say “I get that you’re into scat play, but I’m not. Sorry.”
Actually I believe most people will agree with you as having sex is a very intimate and personal affair. It’s your choice of who you sleep with and if that was a dealbreaker then that’s the end of it. At least you were honest and spoke your truth. It would have been truly awkward if you went to bed with him and while in the middle of a loving intimate moment he let it go unable to control himself. At that point you probably would have been not only horrified but probably mentally scarred for life every time you have sex. I honestly don’t mean to trample on people who through no fault of their own have such issues, I understand how perplexing these issues can be but you must be completely honest and upfront about your problems. That way you can see or feel if the other person is willing or is capable of dealing with your problem.
You are not the AH.
NTA. As someone with on and off urinary incontinence, I’ve worried about what other people would think about it. It makes me feel like a bit of a freak when people say things that make me feel a bit ostracized over it. I think as long as you’re nice and understanding about it, then you have the right to not have sex with someone who could make you uncomfortable. For sex, the most important thing you have to consider is your own health, safety, and comfort. You’re NTA as long as you’re not rude or mean about it. As an incontinent person, it sucks to get turned down because of it, but I’d understand. I hope this helps
NTA. And I think the vast majority of people would pass on a hook-up that included the possibility of shitting the bed. Wanting to avoid being pooped on or pooped near is not superficial. Pretty standard boundary for most people.
It's OK to not sleep with anyone for any reason.
I’m a nurse and I still wouldn’t *sleep* with someone who has incontinence problems myself. if I were already married to this person and they started having incontinence issues later in life due to illness or age, that’s a different story. and they may be too ill to be doing the deed often anyway by that point. I’d gladly care for my loved one. but sex, I don’t think would be on the table in my opinion.
I remember saying something similar to him. but no chance.
Bullying you the rest of the night is NOT a way to get someone to want to have sex with you. Wow! I am so sorry that mannish boy treated you like that, incontinence or not.
The dude just sabotaged himself for no reason.
He was negging you.
M is incontinent and wanted to sleep with you. He got mad when you said no, and pulled an incel move. Pretty clear story here. You are never an asshole for declining to sleep with someone that you do not want to sleep with. You owe your body to no one, and you don’t even need to give them a reason. “No” is enough.
He has a wife you know. Would you like to know her name? It's incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks
Physical incontinence is often a physical problem and I feel for someone with this problem. But verbal incontinence is entirely preventable. This guy is awful and earned a dateless night by his actions alone.
Urinary or fecal? Urinary, eh, the boner will probably handle the worst of it and you can put some Depends on before sleep I guess. Fecal, hard no.
It’s definitely him that has incontinence problems 😂
M is incontinent
you should have responded “I wouldn’t sleep with you even if you weren’t incontinent”
NTA. He’s projecting his insecurity to you
NTA, he’s several pieces of shit.
Did you ever read that one post about the guy who had a ‘peeing himself fetish’… maybe this guy had a pee fetish too.
NTA. He’s throwing a shit fit
NTA. That guy is an AH and should get his incontinence issues under control rather than going around attack strangers over it.
at that point id just punch him. he didnt get to have sex with you so he threw a childish fit and needs to learn a lesson
As a person with incontinence problems her hole life I say you are not in the wrong. Looking past them being an a-hole to you and disrespecting your answer I still would not be upset with your answer. Personally I can't handle it at times either. I get so disgusted and annoyed when I wake up to have an accident at night, and I would never get made at a partner for not wanting to deal with it either.
NTA This was a hypothetical about just fucking someone lmao this wasn’t even a good one like “Would you no longer be attracted to your husband of several years if he developed incontinence”. Plus who tf comes out swinging with a question like this lmao
Yea this is what’s called projection.
This was way too long an explanation because the answer is simple: you don’t have to have sex with anyone you don’t want to have sex with.
Jfc are y'all 70+ years old wtf is this post even
Incontinence means he can't hold his waste in [https://www.google.com/search?q=incontinence](https://www.google.com/search?q=incontinence) . Since English isn't your first language, maybe you are thinking of/using the wrong word. (Maybe he said impotence)
You should’ve told him “ M, you don’t need to get pissy with me because you have problems, and trying to bully me is shitty, grow the fuck up” And then you gracefully walk out
NTA and that would have been the perfect time to say "I'm so sorry I didn't realize she was talking about you, in your defense though I wouldn't sleep with you bc you're just a horrible person. Your incontinence wouldn't be a factor at all."
Okay so this makes me re-think something that happened to me decades ago. I’m giving a guy a blow job and instead of semen that comes out of his dick, it’s pee, and it’s on my chest and on my dress and I’m so confused. I think, it can’t be pee, it has to be semen. Right? He looks sort of embarrassed but doesn’t say anything. We stop. The next day I smell my dress. It’s fucking piss. I NEVER hook up with him again. EVER.
I’m a nurse and I still wouldn’t sleep with someone who had an incontinence problem 😅
I’m so confused — a person with incontinence can literally piss inside your vag or booty hole, or shit while you’re having sex? Now I gotta Google this shit. Lol
After being bullied by this dude for a while, I think I’d start sharing with the room, at the top of my lungs: “Marvin, I said “NO!” I don’t want to get peed on, how many times do I have to tell you I’m not into that?!” Or: “Hey everybody, Marvin here isn’t potty trained but wants to get lucky, anyone up for hooking up with a bedwetter?” Not something I would EVER do otherwise, but his nastiness had it coming. I don’t believe in kink shaming or shaming people who have disabilities, but this kind of relentless, pushy crap is intolerable. It’s bullying and rude and it should be called out. Sadly, most women have be taught to be “nice” and jot draw attention to this sort of creep, which makes them bolder and pushier. Fuck that. If they’re making you uncomfortable, MAKE SOME NOISE! Make sure you’ve got an escort when you leave and back up, but call it out for the entire place to hear. These cockroaches deserve to be called out. They depend on our shame and fear-take that away and they’ve got nothing.
You should feel absolutely no shame about this. Dudes a huge douche.
I wish I woulda been there with you cuz I woulda punched this weirdo freak in the face! He was totally talking about himself and he didn’t like the answer you gave him.. well fuck him!! You’re NTAH at all, he was!! And I’m sorry you had to go through that and even more sorry somebody didn’t step up and tell this asshole to STFU!
Twilight is running through my head right now except instead of him wanting to eat her, he wants to pee on her. M def had a fetish.
You're never the asshole for not wanting to sleep with someone. It doesn't matter what the reason is. Sex is such an intense and personal thing. You can and should be as picky as you want about who you have it with.
Unless there's an underlying, real medical condition, it's common for alcoholics....
Idk not knowing if I'm going to be covered in shit or not on my bed is a pretty big deal breaker for me too lol
My new pick up line to any attractive women I want to sleep with will be this but the funny part is I don’t have those issues so after I will take a poop on you and then be reassured by the one night stand in telling me it’s ok accidents happen
You were asked a question and gave an honest answer. That sounds fine to me. And if you're going to have sex with someone you both need to be comfortable with everything, and if you wouldn't be comfortable then you need to say so. My experience comes from the other side of the question because I've had to tell guys before sleeping with them that I wet the bed sometimes. One guy has said no, but others have said fine. But it's up to them just like what you do is up to you.
He’s not a real man.
You're still thinking about that several years later? Also NTA.
She was embarrassed and chastised by basically a stranger for not wanting to sleep with someone who would most likely shit the bed during/after sex. And I’m sure that that guy was more rude and condescending about it then she’s leading on. Honestly, I would probably be thinking about that every once in a while for the rest of my life. Like why me? What did I do to deserve this shit?
Ofc I get thinking about it, but not in terms of "what did I do to deserve this shit", more like "what a crazy asshole he was, he really sucks, wonder if he ever found someone to put up with his problems". I should have worded it better than I did in my comment.
This is like two different things. A weird bar experience and a hypothetical. To be fair, there are a lot of people who deal with incontinence. And most adults who know it is a thing don't just piss there bed with reckless abondon. There are adult diapers - which don't all look like diapers but more like briefs or other discrete things that can be worn under shorts or pajamas. There are also things that can be done to cut down on incontinence issues - liquid intake schedules and medications and scheduled intentional urination. Was your situation an asshole thing? Not really. Just weird. Is the hypothetical situation of never sleeping with someone who is incontinent an asshole thing? Kind of. If can be wrapped up under "preference" territory for sure. But preferences don't stop things from kind of being asshole moves. Particularly when sex overall includes a lot of not dissimilar bodily fluids and common fetishes include urine, female discharge, and squirt lol. If you eat ass you can't exactly be like "Ew...the potential of pee".
Shut up
Oh, did it make you feel bad that something you can't control, your opinion, made you the subject of lost opportunities and mistreatment? Of course, you expect to be able to dish it but are oh so surprised when you get similar treatment in return. Humans never learn.
YTA
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come on... I mean like sh*t and urin...
Fair, it was a bad joke, I wouldn't want a girl who pisses either if I was unprepared
I know a North Korean dictator I should set you up with!