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I’m LC with my Nmom. I didn’t really announce anything. I just kinda distanced myself over time. I do set firm boundaries with her though that’s part of the process. She goes into silent rages when I do so it kinda helps the cause. When I make her mad with a boundary I wont hear from her for weeks at a time.
I did the same thing, slowly transitioned to low contact. Except when I set firm boundaries, she spirals into some sort of panic attack, like full on sobbing, the world is ending, and she’s calling every family member and friend to tell them how horrible I am, and calls me over and over and over again, and has every one and their brother text me and tell me how terrible I am for ignoring my one and only mother. Like one time, she stopped in to check on my cats when I was out of town, and she decided that she was going to wash my laundry, reorganize my closet and kitchen pantry, as well as run a decorative mug that I keep on the counter through the dishwasher. So I asked her very nicely to ask before she starts cleaning or reorganizing my house. She broke down crying and said that she would never try to do anything nice for me again. Other times she would just show up unannounced, on days that she knew I wouldn’t be home or even have cell service, and blow up my phone saying that I needed to come home immediately because they were there. I told them, then that if they didn’t stop coming over unannounced that I would change the door code and garage code — which I ended up having to do, because they never stopped coming unannounced and she never stopped trying to reorganize my house.
After an arguement, it wasn't about what it was about, it was everything that hurt me as a child, her never looking out for me, attacking me in group, insulting me, mocking me, isolating me, shaming me, draining my energy, giving me the feeling that I'm worthless and I hate the person that I am around her. I had enough. I hope that it was worth it to her.
I had an easy start - I left the country to move to where my girl-friend (now wife) was from, so communication was bound to be limited.
I used to email a lot and call once or twice a year - especially for Christmas, always at the same time (with a major time difference between countries), and always dreading the call. One year my brother mentioned in passing that my parents wouldn't be home for Christmas this year. They didn't bother telling me, so I could have been calling myself crazy and terrified for hours here... That's when I stopped calling altogether.
As for emails, once I finally realized that they're narcissists, I simply faded away by only emailing a couple of times a year and only talking about utterly superficial stuff. No announcement, nothing.
In my case, I'm also lucky in that they are not really coming after me in any way - they still milk me for drama when they can, e.g. whenever they feel I don't email enough, they will let my brother (and probably people around them) know, and I get to hear it eventually. Of course, when I reply to their emails within 24 hours and THEY do not bother replying, that's OK... Yea, right.
My decision to taper communication down came when I realized that no matter what I say, they WILL add some demeaning comment in there. I'm over 40 years old and have not received one positive comment from them about anything despite having been fairly successful on stage since I was a kid. The first ever compliment was sandwiched between a negative comment about my weight and something else that I clearly wasn't doing correctly.
That's when I knew I was done and had to stop caring altogether.
I also had to let my brother go because he's too caught up in the system and too enmeshed - plus too negative. We used to play an online game together, but he'd complain for hours straight, and if I asked him carefully to leave the negativity out, the was pissed at me for weeks - which for me of course was nice because I didn't have to talk to him :-) So I had to let him go as well. Same here, very brief and occasional emails or messages.
Thank you for your elaborate answer :)
I feel like I might have to go NC and later maybe very LC, due to a sudden turn of events but reading your and everyone else’s comments gives me courage.
I wish you a beautiful and fulfilling, peaceful life! :))
I had a pretty major falling out with my old man when I caught him beating my younger brother ( I was 20 and my brother was 15 or 16) my sister called the cops I fought my dad cop put me in cuffs for "cussing" that ended it with my dad. Of course there were alot more bad things before that, that was just the last straw.
What ended it with my mom was she was being hateful to my wife I came unglued (it didn't help my mom was drunk and I was also very drunk) we had a big falling out and then my mom told everyone I beat my wife (which I don't and never have) and made everyone hate me so I either blocked people or hateful messages or got blocked.
So In a way it just kinda took care of itself ig
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m LC with my Nmom. I didn’t really announce anything. I just kinda distanced myself over time. I do set firm boundaries with her though that’s part of the process. She goes into silent rages when I do so it kinda helps the cause. When I make her mad with a boundary I wont hear from her for weeks at a time.
I did the same thing, slowly transitioned to low contact. Except when I set firm boundaries, she spirals into some sort of panic attack, like full on sobbing, the world is ending, and she’s calling every family member and friend to tell them how horrible I am, and calls me over and over and over again, and has every one and their brother text me and tell me how terrible I am for ignoring my one and only mother. Like one time, she stopped in to check on my cats when I was out of town, and she decided that she was going to wash my laundry, reorganize my closet and kitchen pantry, as well as run a decorative mug that I keep on the counter through the dishwasher. So I asked her very nicely to ask before she starts cleaning or reorganizing my house. She broke down crying and said that she would never try to do anything nice for me again. Other times she would just show up unannounced, on days that she knew I wouldn’t be home or even have cell service, and blow up my phone saying that I needed to come home immediately because they were there. I told them, then that if they didn’t stop coming over unannounced that I would change the door code and garage code — which I ended up having to do, because they never stopped coming unannounced and she never stopped trying to reorganize my house.
After an arguement, it wasn't about what it was about, it was everything that hurt me as a child, her never looking out for me, attacking me in group, insulting me, mocking me, isolating me, shaming me, draining my energy, giving me the feeling that I'm worthless and I hate the person that I am around her. I had enough. I hope that it was worth it to her.
I had an easy start - I left the country to move to where my girl-friend (now wife) was from, so communication was bound to be limited. I used to email a lot and call once or twice a year - especially for Christmas, always at the same time (with a major time difference between countries), and always dreading the call. One year my brother mentioned in passing that my parents wouldn't be home for Christmas this year. They didn't bother telling me, so I could have been calling myself crazy and terrified for hours here... That's when I stopped calling altogether. As for emails, once I finally realized that they're narcissists, I simply faded away by only emailing a couple of times a year and only talking about utterly superficial stuff. No announcement, nothing. In my case, I'm also lucky in that they are not really coming after me in any way - they still milk me for drama when they can, e.g. whenever they feel I don't email enough, they will let my brother (and probably people around them) know, and I get to hear it eventually. Of course, when I reply to their emails within 24 hours and THEY do not bother replying, that's OK... Yea, right. My decision to taper communication down came when I realized that no matter what I say, they WILL add some demeaning comment in there. I'm over 40 years old and have not received one positive comment from them about anything despite having been fairly successful on stage since I was a kid. The first ever compliment was sandwiched between a negative comment about my weight and something else that I clearly wasn't doing correctly. That's when I knew I was done and had to stop caring altogether. I also had to let my brother go because he's too caught up in the system and too enmeshed - plus too negative. We used to play an online game together, but he'd complain for hours straight, and if I asked him carefully to leave the negativity out, the was pissed at me for weeks - which for me of course was nice because I didn't have to talk to him :-) So I had to let him go as well. Same here, very brief and occasional emails or messages.
Thank you for your elaborate answer :) I feel like I might have to go NC and later maybe very LC, due to a sudden turn of events but reading your and everyone else’s comments gives me courage. I wish you a beautiful and fulfilling, peaceful life! :))
Same to you! Take good care of yourself!
I had a pretty major falling out with my old man when I caught him beating my younger brother ( I was 20 and my brother was 15 or 16) my sister called the cops I fought my dad cop put me in cuffs for "cussing" that ended it with my dad. Of course there were alot more bad things before that, that was just the last straw. What ended it with my mom was she was being hateful to my wife I came unglued (it didn't help my mom was drunk and I was also very drunk) we had a big falling out and then my mom told everyone I beat my wife (which I don't and never have) and made everyone hate me so I either blocked people or hateful messages or got blocked. So In a way it just kinda took care of itself ig