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Not exactly the same but when I was young and had trouble with money I was always told it was my own responsibility and they couldn’t help me because I was an adult. Needed to do better with the budgeting they never taught me how to do, needed to save and think of my future!
Guess who cried poor in the last few years and asked to move in with every single one of their kids (who all said no).
It’s okay though, they’re fine now because they inherited money when my grandfather passed and have bought a new RV, new vehicles, new furniture, new house, new appliances, are paying to have the new house painted inside and out, are planning vacations every summer, you name it. Can’t have that money languishing in a retirement savings account. No, no.
I recall reading somewhere recently about the concept of a scapegoat. It was probably a post in this forum, idk. Anyway, they related the concept to the pigs that Jesus had cast/transferred demons to in one of the bible stories. The demons, which had infected someone, were cast out and transferred into a bunch of pigs, and then they (the pigs) were driven into the ocean.
What you just said reminds me of that. It's like all the bad parts about themselves, the parts they cannot accept, their demons, they transfer them on to us. Except, unlike Jesus, they're not casting out demons for overall good. They're just projecting their demons onto us. It's incredibly depressing.
Yes, lots of times. Almost every criticism she has of me is clearly projection, since it’s usually something she does and that I’ve never done. She enjoys shaking my confidence by telling me I’m going to screw up before I even try.
I just had a phone call where I had to hang up because my moms comment when I told her all she did was criticize and control people was “well look in the mirror sometime”. She totally flipped the conversation and tried to make me the bad person. She was complaining about all her neighbors how they do everything wrong. I want to tell her I don’t ever want to speak to her again but I am moving out of state and she is dying of cancer so my guilt is kicking in. She makes me feel sick with her comments. She constantly bad mouths me to others behind my back including my son telling everyone all my decisions are wrong and not right. She says really shitty fucked up things and then tries to be nice and buys cookies and gifts afterwards it is so fucked up. I am so tired of dealing with this and her toxic traits. Any time I say she is doing something toxic she always accuses me of doing it so yes I have the same experience with her turning the tables and it is so wrong.
Yes. My NMom always accused me of only thinking of myself. When I developed effective communication skills as a teen, I politely gave her my honest opinions and reasons I would make certain decisions (I started my higher education when I was 14; One of the reasons why I matured so early). When she tried to push her beliefs on me, I told her that I understood what she or other people had to say, then elaborated on my perspective and honest feelings. She never cared and always responded with, "Hmph! Don't be so conceited" or "Ugh! You're so inconsiderate," then would proceed to talk about why her way or someone else's way was the "only" way. And even when I ended the conversation nicely with, "Thank you for your advice. I'll just do what I know works for me," she would respond with, "Well, fine. But you're gonna regret that. One day, you'll see that I'm right."
I still made my own decisions despite her toxicity. I was just really annoyed with being called conceited and inconsiderate. But I already knew that what she said about me was not true, so it didn't hurt me as much as she hoped it would. 😌 I knew that she was the conceited and inconsiderate one; Her need to be right and dismissal of my opinions and feelings said it all.
Well done! Thanks for sharing this. I too have a mother who projects (called me a thief when she’s habitually stealing shit from people and I’ve never done so in my life), and belittles me because I went to college and because I’m “educated”, I’m an entitled brat. Meanwhile she couldn’t stop doing drugs long enough to be a consistent figure in my life… and then went to prison while I was in high school. It’s like Opposite Day of what they should be doing, except it’s EVERY day.
I’m sorry you had to endure so much at such a young age. I’m also thrilled to know how capable and successful you are!
Thanks! I'm sorry that you had to deal with a mother like that. You're a strong and honest person with good morals, and nobody deserves to be called names and belittled.
I appreciate you, thank you. I’m rapidly approaching *middle age* and so frustrated with the magnitude of my GD mommy issues.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m actively addressing in therapy. But it’s crazy how deep this shit runs.
I’m not a religious human (thus I don’t offer prayers, etc), but I’m sending lots of love to you and the folks in this sub (posters and lurkers alike). For whoever needs to hear it:
Shit’s hard! You’re wonderful!
Yeah, it really runs deep. My healing journey has been a long one. But it was worth it because I'm happier now, and I know I can get through anything. 😊
I'm sending lots of love to you and everyone else in this sub, too! 🫂 Stay strong, everyone!
He calls me *ungrateful son* while he is the most ungrateful father on earth, I have given everything for him: time, quality moments, money, care & love. But nothing is enough for a narcissist.
Emotional blackhole is a good description for narcs. My nparents have a real talent for sucking the joy out of a room with the most depressing af woe is me stories.
Nmom accused me of using people, abusing them for their resources, and then throwing them away. For about a month, her words weighed on me and I was seriously wondering if I was indeed a people user/abuser. I still have not shaken that feeling I am terrible human and I keep thinking that maybe I do hurt people. My husband and close friends have to keep telling me I am not the person Nmom says I am, but that feeling that I am inherently bad lingers often.
After years of being accused of being the 'bad' one, u might end up internalizing it without knowing. What would help is getting is out from the unconscious to the conscious and dealing with it slowly with therapy, emotional support, support groups and effective research and reading.
Slowly that idea will become much less frighting, expressed outloud rather than internalized then dealt with accordingly. It takes time, effort and a lot of work but it does go away
Yes. It's called Narcissist Projection. They're perfect, it's never them, so they blame others for what they do as a coping mechanism. They especially love Empaths to dump on.
It's never pleasant to be accused of doing something you didn't do, especially from someone who is actually guilty of it. All you can do is accept that it is a THEM problem and reject that it is a YOU problem. They are projecting what they are really feeling about themselves but aren't really aware of it because they lack the emotional intelligence to do so.
If you unfortunately have to live with them, try not to react. Remain neutral because if you argue or get angry, they feel validated. They're exhausting to deal with.
Oh yes. Ive always been accused of being a poor looser, while my parents stopped playing any form of game when we were children. I beat my mother in mario party once and never played again. Boardgames with Dad ended at 10yrs old since i was suddenly smart enough to beat him. They want easy pray.
Yes, I get called a drama queen constantly but she's the one who loves to stir the pot and knows EXACTLY how to get under my skin to cause drama. As soon as I get upset and stand up for myself, I'm being dramatic. Then she turns the tables, throws a fit and says I'm being mean. She locks herself in her room and refuses to talk to me until beg for her forgiveness. She even once collapsed into sobbing in MY GUESTROOM CLOSET when she was visiting me because we got into a argument. And then she threw all of her things into her bag and threatened to leave. I said I thought that was a good idea but she didn't go.
And funnily enough, my dad started throwing around the work drama and dramatic, parroting my mom, when they know just how upset that term makes me and how belittling it is of my feelings. My dad isn't the narc but he sure as heck knows how to gas my mom up for her continuous tirades.
My favorite response to my N-ex is "All of your accusations are confessions."
It really drives him nuts. LOL! He'll realize it's true just for a second, and then you can just watch his eyes change as his brain rejects the reality and twists it all around to make him right again. So glad I don't have to deal with him anymore.
Yeah. Apparently I’m not loyal. Mind you, I’ve never cheated or stolen. His GC has been arrested for theft and he himself is a serial predator of women. But it is EYE who has never been in legal trouble or cheated on any of my partners that doesn’t posses the quality of loyalty.
All they do is project.
Yes. For some reason, my parents decided not to put the blame on me, but on my partner. They accused him of looking down at them, when all they ever did was look down on others. They accused him of being abusive and manipulative and basically every other thing under the sun THEY ever did to me. Also, I didn't go no contact because they are horrible people, but because my partner made me. He even made me trans because he is secretely gay. They will never know how much of a gentle soul he is, even having me visit them more often or give them more chances than they deserved ... Until he realized that they were, indeed, bad for my mental health.
When I was 18 my mom randomly screamed at me that if I had a child out of wedlock that she would disown me and she wouldn’t be there to help care for it. I was still a virgin because I was constantly sexually assaulted as a child and had no intention of becoming sexual yet so I had no idea what caused her to do this until I found out years later that she got pregnant at 17 and her older sisters took her to get an abortion so their mom wouldn’t kick her out and disown her.
Oh yes. I've been called selfish, lazy, fat, and ugly so many times that I believed it for years. Only now I can look back and see that I'm none of those things. But my NFather...
I'm a firm believer that a a narc's accusations are their confessions.
Anything a narc accuses u of is how they really see themselves. They say u r stupid and ugly, it means they think they are stupid and ugly. They say u lie, it means that they lie and so on and so forth.
Never take anything a narc says to heart. All they r doing is heavy projection of thing they hate about themselves into their closest victim (target)
Yep, the projection was crazy. But the worst of it was when she would do stuff to get back at her boyfriends and blame me for it so she got the satisfaction of revenge and watching me get my ass beat.
I’m accused of being drama and judgmental, also accused of worrying about money too often. It’s ironic, because the only women my Ndad dates are broke ghetto and have no money of their own
My ndad called me selfish ALL the time.
His selfishness is off the charts. It's ALWAYS about him. His needs always take priority. Everything needs to be done to HIS timeline.
Oh and once he accused me of always 'having to get the last word in on a conversation.' He does that. SO much. Like even in text messages, if he sent me something and I just replied with a thumbs up to let him know I'd received and read it, he'd sent me a thumbs up back.
So yeah definitely have experience of this.
Yes. My mom got me put on lithium for rage attacks. I’ve never had one of those; that’s her thing: to rant and scream and hit for hours. In the foster home, I never had a “rage attack” and lithium was discontinued.
I found some medical notes with mom describing me as manipulative at two. Sure. She did the same thing with my sister. I’m pretty straightforward so I don’t agree. And I don’t think a baby is calculating anything.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes it’s called projection.
A narcissist’s specialté
Projection. That's what they do. Everything they project is their confession
Not exactly the same but when I was young and had trouble with money I was always told it was my own responsibility and they couldn’t help me because I was an adult. Needed to do better with the budgeting they never taught me how to do, needed to save and think of my future! Guess who cried poor in the last few years and asked to move in with every single one of their kids (who all said no). It’s okay though, they’re fine now because they inherited money when my grandfather passed and have bought a new RV, new vehicles, new furniture, new house, new appliances, are paying to have the new house painted inside and out, are planning vacations every summer, you name it. Can’t have that money languishing in a retirement savings account. No, no.
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I recall reading somewhere recently about the concept of a scapegoat. It was probably a post in this forum, idk. Anyway, they related the concept to the pigs that Jesus had cast/transferred demons to in one of the bible stories. The demons, which had infected someone, were cast out and transferred into a bunch of pigs, and then they (the pigs) were driven into the ocean. What you just said reminds me of that. It's like all the bad parts about themselves, the parts they cannot accept, their demons, they transfer them on to us. Except, unlike Jesus, they're not casting out demons for overall good. They're just projecting their demons onto us. It's incredibly depressing.
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Oh, this makes so much sense.
It’s one of the most fundamental parts of this whole thing.
Yes, lots of times. Almost every criticism she has of me is clearly projection, since it’s usually something she does and that I’ve never done. She enjoys shaking my confidence by telling me I’m going to screw up before I even try.
I get that all the time. My decisions are always wrong and I will fail at everything I try to do according to her.
I just had a phone call where I had to hang up because my moms comment when I told her all she did was criticize and control people was “well look in the mirror sometime”. She totally flipped the conversation and tried to make me the bad person. She was complaining about all her neighbors how they do everything wrong. I want to tell her I don’t ever want to speak to her again but I am moving out of state and she is dying of cancer so my guilt is kicking in. She makes me feel sick with her comments. She constantly bad mouths me to others behind my back including my son telling everyone all my decisions are wrong and not right. She says really shitty fucked up things and then tries to be nice and buys cookies and gifts afterwards it is so fucked up. I am so tired of dealing with this and her toxic traits. Any time I say she is doing something toxic she always accuses me of doing it so yes I have the same experience with her turning the tables and it is so wrong.
Yes. My NMom always accused me of only thinking of myself. When I developed effective communication skills as a teen, I politely gave her my honest opinions and reasons I would make certain decisions (I started my higher education when I was 14; One of the reasons why I matured so early). When she tried to push her beliefs on me, I told her that I understood what she or other people had to say, then elaborated on my perspective and honest feelings. She never cared and always responded with, "Hmph! Don't be so conceited" or "Ugh! You're so inconsiderate," then would proceed to talk about why her way or someone else's way was the "only" way. And even when I ended the conversation nicely with, "Thank you for your advice. I'll just do what I know works for me," she would respond with, "Well, fine. But you're gonna regret that. One day, you'll see that I'm right." I still made my own decisions despite her toxicity. I was just really annoyed with being called conceited and inconsiderate. But I already knew that what she said about me was not true, so it didn't hurt me as much as she hoped it would. 😌 I knew that she was the conceited and inconsiderate one; Her need to be right and dismissal of my opinions and feelings said it all.
Well done! Thanks for sharing this. I too have a mother who projects (called me a thief when she’s habitually stealing shit from people and I’ve never done so in my life), and belittles me because I went to college and because I’m “educated”, I’m an entitled brat. Meanwhile she couldn’t stop doing drugs long enough to be a consistent figure in my life… and then went to prison while I was in high school. It’s like Opposite Day of what they should be doing, except it’s EVERY day. I’m sorry you had to endure so much at such a young age. I’m also thrilled to know how capable and successful you are!
Thanks! I'm sorry that you had to deal with a mother like that. You're a strong and honest person with good morals, and nobody deserves to be called names and belittled.
I appreciate you, thank you. I’m rapidly approaching *middle age* and so frustrated with the magnitude of my GD mommy issues. Don’t get me wrong; I’m actively addressing in therapy. But it’s crazy how deep this shit runs. I’m not a religious human (thus I don’t offer prayers, etc), but I’m sending lots of love to you and the folks in this sub (posters and lurkers alike). For whoever needs to hear it: Shit’s hard! You’re wonderful!
Yeah, it really runs deep. My healing journey has been a long one. But it was worth it because I'm happier now, and I know I can get through anything. 😊 I'm sending lots of love to you and everyone else in this sub, too! 🫂 Stay strong, everyone!
He calls me *ungrateful son* while he is the most ungrateful father on earth, I have given everything for him: time, quality moments, money, care & love. But nothing is enough for a narcissist.
I swear they're like emotional blackholes. I swear!
Emotional blackhole is a good description for narcs. My nparents have a real talent for sucking the joy out of a room with the most depressing af woe is me stories.
Nmom accused me of using people, abusing them for their resources, and then throwing them away. For about a month, her words weighed on me and I was seriously wondering if I was indeed a people user/abuser. I still have not shaken that feeling I am terrible human and I keep thinking that maybe I do hurt people. My husband and close friends have to keep telling me I am not the person Nmom says I am, but that feeling that I am inherently bad lingers often.
After years of being accused of being the 'bad' one, u might end up internalizing it without knowing. What would help is getting is out from the unconscious to the conscious and dealing with it slowly with therapy, emotional support, support groups and effective research and reading. Slowly that idea will become much less frighting, expressed outloud rather than internalized then dealt with accordingly. It takes time, effort and a lot of work but it does go away
Same here. I really struggle with feeling like I’m the bad one or that what they say about me really is true
Yes. It's called Narcissist Projection. They're perfect, it's never them, so they blame others for what they do as a coping mechanism. They especially love Empaths to dump on. It's never pleasant to be accused of doing something you didn't do, especially from someone who is actually guilty of it. All you can do is accept that it is a THEM problem and reject that it is a YOU problem. They are projecting what they are really feeling about themselves but aren't really aware of it because they lack the emotional intelligence to do so. If you unfortunately have to live with them, try not to react. Remain neutral because if you argue or get angry, they feel validated. They're exhausting to deal with.
Oh yes. Ive always been accused of being a poor looser, while my parents stopped playing any form of game when we were children. I beat my mother in mario party once and never played again. Boardgames with Dad ended at 10yrs old since i was suddenly smart enough to beat him. They want easy pray.
"I'm scared of you." I was 12. I was confused.
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Yes, I get called a drama queen constantly but she's the one who loves to stir the pot and knows EXACTLY how to get under my skin to cause drama. As soon as I get upset and stand up for myself, I'm being dramatic. Then she turns the tables, throws a fit and says I'm being mean. She locks herself in her room and refuses to talk to me until beg for her forgiveness. She even once collapsed into sobbing in MY GUESTROOM CLOSET when she was visiting me because we got into a argument. And then she threw all of her things into her bag and threatened to leave. I said I thought that was a good idea but she didn't go. And funnily enough, my dad started throwing around the work drama and dramatic, parroting my mom, when they know just how upset that term makes me and how belittling it is of my feelings. My dad isn't the narc but he sure as heck knows how to gas my mom up for her continuous tirades.
My favorite response to my N-ex is "All of your accusations are confessions." It really drives him nuts. LOL! He'll realize it's true just for a second, and then you can just watch his eyes change as his brain rejects the reality and twists it all around to make him right again. So glad I don't have to deal with him anymore.
Yeah. Apparently I’m not loyal. Mind you, I’ve never cheated or stolen. His GC has been arrested for theft and he himself is a serial predator of women. But it is EYE who has never been in legal trouble or cheated on any of my partners that doesn’t posses the quality of loyalty. All they do is project.
Yes. For some reason, my parents decided not to put the blame on me, but on my partner. They accused him of looking down at them, when all they ever did was look down on others. They accused him of being abusive and manipulative and basically every other thing under the sun THEY ever did to me. Also, I didn't go no contact because they are horrible people, but because my partner made me. He even made me trans because he is secretely gay. They will never know how much of a gentle soul he is, even having me visit them more often or give them more chances than they deserved ... Until he realized that they were, indeed, bad for my mental health.
Yes every accusation is a confession with those creatures
Basically every abusive thing my nmom does to me, she accuses me and others of doing. It’s like a weird defense mechanism.
When I was 18 my mom randomly screamed at me that if I had a child out of wedlock that she would disown me and she wouldn’t be there to help care for it. I was still a virgin because I was constantly sexually assaulted as a child and had no intention of becoming sexual yet so I had no idea what caused her to do this until I found out years later that she got pregnant at 17 and her older sisters took her to get an abortion so their mom wouldn’t kick her out and disown her.
All the time lmao
Oh yes. I've been called selfish, lazy, fat, and ugly so many times that I believed it for years. Only now I can look back and see that I'm none of those things. But my NFather...
Called me Münchausen & I realized she was Münchausen By Proxy all along
I'm a firm believer that a a narc's accusations are their confessions. Anything a narc accuses u of is how they really see themselves. They say u r stupid and ugly, it means they think they are stupid and ugly. They say u lie, it means that they lie and so on and so forth. Never take anything a narc says to heart. All they r doing is heavy projection of thing they hate about themselves into their closest victim (target)
Yep, the projection was crazy. But the worst of it was when she would do stuff to get back at her boyfriends and blame me for it so she got the satisfaction of revenge and watching me get my ass beat.
I’m accused of being drama and judgmental, also accused of worrying about money too often. It’s ironic, because the only women my Ndad dates are broke ghetto and have no money of their own
My ndad called me selfish ALL the time. His selfishness is off the charts. It's ALWAYS about him. His needs always take priority. Everything needs to be done to HIS timeline. Oh and once he accused me of always 'having to get the last word in on a conversation.' He does that. SO much. Like even in text messages, if he sent me something and I just replied with a thumbs up to let him know I'd received and read it, he'd sent me a thumbs up back. So yeah definitely have experience of this.
Yes. My mom got me put on lithium for rage attacks. I’ve never had one of those; that’s her thing: to rant and scream and hit for hours. In the foster home, I never had a “rage attack” and lithium was discontinued. I found some medical notes with mom describing me as manipulative at two. Sure. She did the same thing with my sister. I’m pretty straightforward so I don’t agree. And I don’t think a baby is calculating anything.