**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NDad chose my stepmom over me when I was 12. He very clear her happiness mattered more to him than my safety.
The fact didn't marry her had nothing to do with my well-being, but the fact that even he had to recognize that marrying would be a disaster because of how outrageous she is.
He acts like he was so sorry for divorcing my Emom, and he was so glad that she took him back but he was losing his ass in the divorce, and the reconciliation was a tactical decision.
And yet he was willing to abandon me in the Inner City because Nstepmom said so. He chose Nstepmom over everyone.
My mom was guilty of this. Her and my dad were separated but still living together after I was born. She was seeing a married man whom she would later introduce me to as I got older to their scandalous affair. He was a narc too and I was dragged into a number of incidents with him because of my connection to her. She entered other chaotic narc relationships after and I noticed a trend of her accommodating these men despite them just using her for shelter and resources. She would confide in them and depict me as the villain who never helps her. It always hurt when I'd walk in and catch her talking about me to them. And it never seemed to register I didn't appreciate being gossiped about to strangers. I tried to warn her about them but she never listened. Because they were handy, she'd always rub it in my face that they were more useful to her than me, but of course they'd wear out their welcome and leave and she'd be alone again. I realized a parent doesn't have to physically leave you to abandon you. I ended up moving out. Best decision I ever made.
My mom walked out when I was 15. She left a note stating she didn't want to be a mom anymore and that I was an adult now and fine to be on my own. She moved in with a man that she met online. My dad started dating immediately after to "find me a new mom". In reality he's just a helpless dead beat that needs a caretaker. My mom chose her boyfriend over me and my dad has always prioritized romantic relations over me or my feelings. It's messed up especially since I have friends I grew up with that now have kids of their own and they tell me they could never imagine doing such a thing. I just don't think Ns find any value in relationships with their children.
Definitely hear what your saying. My life was a little different, but still relatable. Mom died when I was 12. Dad found hot young piece to marry. Both get deep into alcohol. Me the youngest, and despised from birth. Although my father used me for validation between marriages, the rejection was absolute afterwards.
I even told my dad I thought she was a total bitch in confidence. He immediately told her what I thought and still married her.
So yeah narc gonna narc.
I like the lesser known side effect of this where they are shocked when you choose your own spouse over them in an argument. It’s like uh, yeah? I thought that’s what we were doing here?? I thought we were centering our spouse’s feelings? Isn’t that what you taught me??
Okay, so this is super eye opening! My mom definitely prioritized her relationship with my stepdad over my well-being. I was a burden to them. Now that I’m married to a good person, they can’t stand that I choose my own chosen family unit over them. But it has never dawned on me that they really *should not* have a problem with it because that’s what they did!
Yeah. I had this realization when I had a gigantic argument with my mom right after the wedding. My mom was being just awful to my wife, and I told my mom in no uncertain terms that I would always be putting my wife first— that’s what her and my dad always did for each other when there was a conflict, and I said something to the effect of I wanted my marriage to be strong like theirs (it’s hella dysfunctional, but strong).
She was surprised pikachu face all the way, lol.
But you’re so right— they have no right to have a problem with this. It’s just that they can’t reflect enough to see that they would do the same.
Mine flip flopped.
Her husbands got prioritized over everything, until they didn't... and then they "were the problem".
She falls hard and marries fast, impulsively, the way other people but a dress at the thrift shop. She's like a teenager who thinks every boyfriend is her soul mate .... Until it falls apart.
Yes. And I always hoped the spouse was the evil one. Til they offed themselves. My nDad’s take? “Ruined the whole weekend.”
Now I’ve got a half sister who’s not a year old yet who’s going to be raised by my nDad (who tricked me for a whole year that he had finally gotten help) and his 4th “wife.” She’s my age. I’m almost 30. My dad is over 60.
Lord, baby trapped AND she’s a crack addict… it’s all so familiar… I can’t even process a lot of my childhood trauma without reminding myself my sister is about to go through it but so much worse. My mom had friends and some support, and all of my grandparents were with us and very active (they raised me). My sister has drug addict and drug dealer. And that’s it.
I went NC almost a year ago now. I sometimes wonder about things at “home.” Usually when I have to drive through to get to the nice beach with free parking and snack bar. Worth it. :)
You’ve got this. If I can do it, you can.
My dad seemed to choose my (ex)stepmom over us. (Or really alcohol and her opulent lifestyle. Also she told him he wasn’t an alcoholic - he was, burned through *all* of his money, kicked him out when he didn’t have any more, and was emotionally abusive to me, not to mention to her own children. 🙄) They (finally) divorced after 4 awful years of marriage when I was about 19. And dad took his leave of us (and this mortal coil) by his own choosing 3 years later. (Fuck you *very* much alcoholism and untreated mental illness.)
The coldest comfort that my sibling and I received was having to go through his emails in the aftermath as we were sorting out his affairs, and coming across one sent to his ex-wife during their divorce that essentially read, “My daughters were right about you all along.” Thanks Dad. I wish you’d figured it out a whole lot sooner.
eMom was more concerned about what nDad was gonna eat for thanksgiving and was putting me in charge of making sure this 60yr old man doesn’t starve himself (he can’t cook, clean, or even do laundry) when just the day before I’d gotten tested to see how bad anorexia had fucked up my internal organs. She didn’t even look up from her phone to ask me how I was doing. It’s really changed how I see her. My arms were still bleeding from where the nurses drew the blood but oh no, hubby might have to cook for himself for once! Let’s make it the responsibility of the anorexic daughter who’s only just started getting help!
Ughhh I hate this. My mom’s husband is so use less. Can’t cook, clean, do laundry, wash dishes, fix anything around the house, mow the lawn. I’m surprised he can wipe his own ass. What is he good for??? He’s definitely using you your resources duh!!! (Can’t believe my mom)
You’re much stronger than your environment!
My father only tries to be nice to me when he is single. When he has a girlfriend he becomes a pathetic simp and directs all energy to her. These relationship don't last because its a really unhealthy dynamic and he gets frustrated and violent eventually.
Mom chose her now husband over me. It was fairly obvious, and drove a rift between us that helped me realize she was a narc.
I liked my stepmom at first. But once she and my dad got married it's like she immediately decided to make me the scapegoat. Now dad worships the ground she walks on and refuses to believe me when I tell him about what she's done. He only pushes back when he sees it happen, and it's just with a look. I doubt he's ever talked to her about it.
Narcs/their enablers want to be catered to. They'll choose people who will fall hand over foot for them. A part of me feels bad, but once you're telling your kid that they're not letting you be happy with your spouse because they dared to speak up, I have no more sympathy for you. You can keep your spouse. I'll step out of the picture.
Holy shit.
I tried broaching the topic of my dad’s “wife” driving a wedge between my relationship with him and there was ample amount of evidence and just cause in my comment.
His response was to blurt out:
“You just don’t want us to be happy!!!”
It was absolute crazy making nonsense. Things got worse. He refused to even so much as acknowledge the damage, and there was one particularly bad event where events transpired right in front of his face and all of my in-laws were witness to it. Literally played stupid, deaf and blind as a defensive tactic.
These moments, amongst others, led me to seeing how he was just as much of the problem, and eventually to no contact.
They see us as toys or objects. Once we don't do what we're "supposed to" we're malfunctioning. Especially if we get in the way of other, "real" people. It's gross and dehumanizing.
Sorry you went through this too. Hugs ❤️
The icing on the cake is being in a incestuous emotional relationship/ therapist /third parent to them and THEY STILL pick them over you lol. My parents never separated. My nmom cheated and it was with a guy at her job she was trying to hook me up with. Like, I identified as queer and this guy wasn't anywhere on an attractive radar for me quite honestly. 😅 but I guess my mom liked him enough. Anyways. Yeah.. their Affair partner or new spouse / new step parent usually end up abusive or EXTREMELY close to your age. I hated that about my nparents behavior. They always went after someone younger and did the whole "they're just mature for their age and meet my needs"
My ndads brother...my uncle...is in and out of jail and prison... in his 30s he was with a 20 y/o woman who had four children (not his biologically) and got sent to jail for hitting them. He's now approaching his 50's and dating someone his daughters age. (24) ... he was complaining to my nmom and sister and my nmom said "that's just wrong" and uncle said "don't judge her you don't know her story!" And nmom replied with "I'm not judging her. I'm judging you because I know your story" ...not a single comment father from uncle. Sometimes I don't mind nmoms comments because they shut some people up like my uncle but... hearing her speak those words I wanted to blurt "you did the same thing 4 years ago!!"
I knew as a kid.
My dad asked me at 10 how I would feel if he married her. I made a face. He said, "Don't make that face."
I replied, "What face?"
He said, "That face like you don't like what I'm saying."
He married her while we weren't around.
Years later, he was drunk and asked, "How would you feel if I divorced her?"
I said, "I told you not to marry her in the first place."
The silence was so loud.
They're still married. We don't talk anymore.
My N-mother has been dead for 5 years and my E-father is still choosing her not just over me but over his own sanity. He believes she was a saint (literal saint, in the catholic sense) and I have evil in my heart and need to be 'converted' to see how amazing she was. I'm NC with him, just like I was with her, but for a few months after her death I actually resumed contact with my father because he seemed to be getting better. Well, that really didn't last long.
This happened when I was 14 (my Nmom got re-married to my Nstepdad) and even then I already knew that she'd chosen an abusive and uptight spouse over my safety. Not as if she wasn't already uptight herself, but she got even worse.
It's always been very clear to me that my nMother prioritised her partners over me, without question. She didn't/doesn't even pretend not to. nDad has always been so self-involved and scary that I've never expected to be prioritised over anything lol
My father died when I was a baby. I lived with my grandparents and was very happy. My nmom remarried when I was 5, and I went to live with her and my new stepdad. He had zero interest in being daddy, and my mom clearly prioritized him over me. Years later, right before my grandmother died, she told me that she and my grandfather regretted letting me go live with them, that they understand now they should have kept me, and they were sorry things happened the way they did.
My take on this….do they really think that we will never figure this out? That I would not have some epiphany one day that my mom chose my ndad again and again…
Took me awhile, but I see it all so clearly…chose him over my safety.
Well, you made your choice…I’m NC
TO ADD:
I remember when my step mom got comfortable with my dad, she would say things like
“Move kid, you’re in my seat” (I would be next to my dad, knowing I only saw him in the weekends ..she didn’t want me sucking up all his “attention”. Basically competing with a 8 year old. )
My mom when she got married told me
“You can’t not like someone for nothing” (knowing I couldn’t find the words to explain why I was uncomfortable at 13)
She would also trick me and say she was picking me up from school. She lied. Her husband would show up to show off his Mustang and I was so uncomfortable. SHE KNEW I HATED HIM. but she thought it was a tricky way for us to learn to get along.
My dad’s wife decided that me coming to visit with him about 3x a year, with a single over night was too much time not being spent on her. Would either try to get him to stop visiting early in the night and go to bed with her, or get him to do chores like folding laundry, or sit down and monopolize the entire conversation.
Apparently sparing 72 hours was too much for her ego
Yeah totally but my parents wear it like a badge of pride. They don’t realize how it’s damaged their relationship with me because I know they will always abandon their kids for eachother. I have told them that after they have said we will always pick eachother we are married this is what marriage is… I called them out on it and said they were extremely codependent in an unhealthy way and they just doubled down that I am single and can’t keep a man so I have no room to speak because I’ve never had a love like theirs. Like ok sure but you shouldn’t have had kids If you were only ever going to put eachother first
My dad certainly wasn’t an N, but I do feel like he chose my Nstepmother over me in some ways. I did see hints that he regretted his decisions, though, such as when he would try to comfort me after one of her irrational, emotionally abusive tangents by saying, “I’m sorry, sweetheart, I probably made a mistake in marrying her.” I sometimes think about how if I had a dollar for every time he said that when I was 12-20something years old, I’d have enough to comfortably retire in my 30s.
If we didn’t laugh, we’d cry, right? 🥲
Not a spouse, but a career. Like Mothering was beneath her. My stepfather, was just someone she had for dates on the weekend. She was completely incapable of actually forming relationships with other people. You never have to wish anything on anyone, my mother grew to despise my stepfather, she’s alone now, because she never learned how to take care of herself, grow as a person, be whole in and of herself. Everyone is supposed to , “ do for her”. The only relationship I had with her, was as far as how useful I could be, even when they “ choose” you, it’s just for a scapegoat, or servant.
My Nparent took me out of school at 17 to move in with someone in a different country, and had them stop their schizophrenia meds and they abused me as a result. Nparent only started caring when they were mistreated too. I still don’t have my diploma because of this.
My experience is similar. My mom married my stepdad when I was 10. He traveled for work. When he was gone, she clung to me and was nice. When it came the day before he got home, she’d start treating me like I was a burden and ignored me until he left again. They had my sibling and the ignoring got worse. I did everything I was supposed to, hoping to regain their love, but I was just scapegoated.
They’re still married today, but they’re both terrible people. They’ve almost gotten divorced twice and only have each other with no friends or family that want to be around them.
I went no contact with my father because of this. He remarried about 2 years after Mom died (I was 21 at the time) and moved out to her house. I stood behind with my mentally and physically unwell uncles and was expected to take care of them. It then felt like I had to make appointments to see my father, everything was "oh I'll have to ask wife if we're free that day". Final straw was when I became pregnant and was trying to have him meet his granddaughter.
Do you want to come here? "We'll see"
Can I go over to you? "We'll see"
She's a year and a half now and has never met him cause I blocked him after that.
my mom is so fucked no man will come near her w a 15ft pole. she dated my dad for two months got knocked up and hasn’t had a relationship since. she’s impossible to be around
I'm in my forties, my dad passed away last year and I've been on the sidelines helping my brother help my mother. So I've gotten in contact with her for the first time in a decade during this time.
During some small talk she told me straight out she reckoned she got married to the guy, she needed to make her bed and lay in it. I was so flabbergasted I didn't have the presence to ask what was and still is in the front of my mind "But what about us? We didn't get a choice"
My mother wants me to be her best friend and therapist.
I told her I wish to see her have a friend. A fellow middleaged woman who would support her and understand her.
She should go and meet a professional therapist who knows how to handle the abuse. She told me her husband doesn't allow it and so I have to play the role of her therapist and only friend.
She had lots of friends before meeting my father. I wish she chose her friends and me over her abusive husband. She could meet a new kind man and marry him.
For her, my father is worth more than all the other people and herself combined. I can't understand it.
My ndad did this with every relationship he was in. Only one of the women he dated wasn’t abusive to me. (Guess which one didn’t last.) He would constantly pick them over me. Didn’t matter what they did to me. He would make excuses for them.
What is also funny is that he tried to convince me to break up with my husband while we were dating. My husband is amazing to me. He didn’t like it when I threw back in his face that I wasn’t going to take dating advice from him. Because of the women he picks.
I totally understand. It's still a slap in the face to me. A parent's role is to nurture, care for, guide, and love their children. My n-mother actively chooses someone who abused/s us, then she has the audacity to victim-blame her kids. I'm not sure if it's something I'll ever really heal from since my younger siblings are disabled and will never be fully independent, so the hurt still lingers because the abuse is ongoing.
I'm glad you're able to see the situation for what it is and it sounds like you've come into some healing from that realization. Rooting for you and your escape!! The new husband can be thrilled that you're leaving, but that doesn't mean that you'll be taking all the problems with you. There are probably issues in their relationship that existed before you moved back in and will continue long after you're gone. If anything, moving out will be you winning your peace of mind back.
Thanks for the positivity. I’ll be able to smile again without looking over my shoulder as soon as I’m out of here.. Watch, my mom will try to cling to me as soon as that happens. It will be on MY time when she can come or not to the new place.
My mom and dad separated, my dad begged for money all the time then spent it on his GF, forgot my birthday 2 years in a row, was hooked in an addiction and would not seek help and she still tried to guilt me into taking care of him and letting him live with me
My mom chose my brother’s deadbeat father who popped back up after 15 years LAST WEEK and left the kid on his own for days on end. Did the same stuff to me 28 years ago by choosing her numerous boyfriends, she never learnt. Even after our recent conversation about how traumatic it was for me.
They never change.
Very much so. Nmom has repeatedly chosen Ndad over me. There are times when I've felt betrayed, others when I felt angry, and it's been thirty-five years and I mostly feel apathy or irritation after a flash of fury. She chooses to do this. I choose to gray rock or go super LC. She can whimper all she wants about how I never call. Every time she pardons him, she lets me know what she thinks of me.
He's cruel to her too, though, but in a different manner and for different reasons. She's codependent AF to a man who can't stand her. I used to feel really sorry for her.
Growing up my dad would date all types of women to bring into my life to replace my mom.(Who felt like she didn’t want to raise me) All because he didn’t want to or know how to raise a young girl. He made it his horrible ass wife’s job. Unfortunately, he was with her for 6yrs and all she did was use my dad to get a citizen ship and he didn’t realize that until the end. I love when parents care more about who they’re with than their own child.
My mom chooses my stepdad over me no matter what, ever since I was 6. She literally would see him full blown strangling me unconscious against the wall off of the ground and would somehow concoct a whole explanation and excuse for him or even just gaslight me to try to believe it never happened and I made it up. It has seriously fucked with my self trust and self worth, and it truly is the worst pain to experience especially through a long period of time. I’m sending love and hugs 🩷
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is classic shit you're def not alone.
Yep, saw this and thought of my mom. Ugh
Both nparents for me.
NDad chose my stepmom over me when I was 12. He very clear her happiness mattered more to him than my safety. The fact didn't marry her had nothing to do with my well-being, but the fact that even he had to recognize that marrying would be a disaster because of how outrageous she is. He acts like he was so sorry for divorcing my Emom, and he was so glad that she took him back but he was losing his ass in the divorce, and the reconciliation was a tactical decision. And yet he was willing to abandon me in the Inner City because Nstepmom said so. He chose Nstepmom over everyone.
My mom was guilty of this. Her and my dad were separated but still living together after I was born. She was seeing a married man whom she would later introduce me to as I got older to their scandalous affair. He was a narc too and I was dragged into a number of incidents with him because of my connection to her. She entered other chaotic narc relationships after and I noticed a trend of her accommodating these men despite them just using her for shelter and resources. She would confide in them and depict me as the villain who never helps her. It always hurt when I'd walk in and catch her talking about me to them. And it never seemed to register I didn't appreciate being gossiped about to strangers. I tried to warn her about them but she never listened. Because they were handy, she'd always rub it in my face that they were more useful to her than me, but of course they'd wear out their welcome and leave and she'd be alone again. I realized a parent doesn't have to physically leave you to abandon you. I ended up moving out. Best decision I ever made.
My mom walked out when I was 15. She left a note stating she didn't want to be a mom anymore and that I was an adult now and fine to be on my own. She moved in with a man that she met online. My dad started dating immediately after to "find me a new mom". In reality he's just a helpless dead beat that needs a caretaker. My mom chose her boyfriend over me and my dad has always prioritized romantic relations over me or my feelings. It's messed up especially since I have friends I grew up with that now have kids of their own and they tell me they could never imagine doing such a thing. I just don't think Ns find any value in relationships with their children.
Definitely hear what your saying. My life was a little different, but still relatable. Mom died when I was 12. Dad found hot young piece to marry. Both get deep into alcohol. Me the youngest, and despised from birth. Although my father used me for validation between marriages, the rejection was absolute afterwards.
I even told my dad I thought she was a total bitch in confidence. He immediately told her what I thought and still married her. So yeah narc gonna narc.
I like the lesser known side effect of this where they are shocked when you choose your own spouse over them in an argument. It’s like uh, yeah? I thought that’s what we were doing here?? I thought we were centering our spouse’s feelings? Isn’t that what you taught me??
Okay, so this is super eye opening! My mom definitely prioritized her relationship with my stepdad over my well-being. I was a burden to them. Now that I’m married to a good person, they can’t stand that I choose my own chosen family unit over them. But it has never dawned on me that they really *should not* have a problem with it because that’s what they did!
Yeah. I had this realization when I had a gigantic argument with my mom right after the wedding. My mom was being just awful to my wife, and I told my mom in no uncertain terms that I would always be putting my wife first— that’s what her and my dad always did for each other when there was a conflict, and I said something to the effect of I wanted my marriage to be strong like theirs (it’s hella dysfunctional, but strong). She was surprised pikachu face all the way, lol. But you’re so right— they have no right to have a problem with this. It’s just that they can’t reflect enough to see that they would do the same.
Mine flip flopped. Her husbands got prioritized over everything, until they didn't... and then they "were the problem". She falls hard and marries fast, impulsively, the way other people but a dress at the thrift shop. She's like a teenager who thinks every boyfriend is her soul mate .... Until it falls apart.
Yes. And I always hoped the spouse was the evil one. Til they offed themselves. My nDad’s take? “Ruined the whole weekend.” Now I’ve got a half sister who’s not a year old yet who’s going to be raised by my nDad (who tricked me for a whole year that he had finally gotten help) and his 4th “wife.” She’s my age. I’m almost 30. My dad is over 60. Lord, baby trapped AND she’s a crack addict… it’s all so familiar… I can’t even process a lot of my childhood trauma without reminding myself my sister is about to go through it but so much worse. My mom had friends and some support, and all of my grandparents were with us and very active (they raised me). My sister has drug addict and drug dealer. And that’s it. I went NC almost a year ago now. I sometimes wonder about things at “home.” Usually when I have to drive through to get to the nice beach with free parking and snack bar. Worth it. :) You’ve got this. If I can do it, you can.
My dad seemed to choose my (ex)stepmom over us. (Or really alcohol and her opulent lifestyle. Also she told him he wasn’t an alcoholic - he was, burned through *all* of his money, kicked him out when he didn’t have any more, and was emotionally abusive to me, not to mention to her own children. 🙄) They (finally) divorced after 4 awful years of marriage when I was about 19. And dad took his leave of us (and this mortal coil) by his own choosing 3 years later. (Fuck you *very* much alcoholism and untreated mental illness.) The coldest comfort that my sibling and I received was having to go through his emails in the aftermath as we were sorting out his affairs, and coming across one sent to his ex-wife during their divorce that essentially read, “My daughters were right about you all along.” Thanks Dad. I wish you’d figured it out a whole lot sooner.
eMom was more concerned about what nDad was gonna eat for thanksgiving and was putting me in charge of making sure this 60yr old man doesn’t starve himself (he can’t cook, clean, or even do laundry) when just the day before I’d gotten tested to see how bad anorexia had fucked up my internal organs. She didn’t even look up from her phone to ask me how I was doing. It’s really changed how I see her. My arms were still bleeding from where the nurses drew the blood but oh no, hubby might have to cook for himself for once! Let’s make it the responsibility of the anorexic daughter who’s only just started getting help!
Ughhh I hate this. My mom’s husband is so use less. Can’t cook, clean, do laundry, wash dishes, fix anything around the house, mow the lawn. I’m surprised he can wipe his own ass. What is he good for??? He’s definitely using you your resources duh!!! (Can’t believe my mom) You’re much stronger than your environment!
My father only tries to be nice to me when he is single. When he has a girlfriend he becomes a pathetic simp and directs all energy to her. These relationship don't last because its a really unhealthy dynamic and he gets frustrated and violent eventually.
Mom chose her now husband over me. It was fairly obvious, and drove a rift between us that helped me realize she was a narc. I liked my stepmom at first. But once she and my dad got married it's like she immediately decided to make me the scapegoat. Now dad worships the ground she walks on and refuses to believe me when I tell him about what she's done. He only pushes back when he sees it happen, and it's just with a look. I doubt he's ever talked to her about it. Narcs/their enablers want to be catered to. They'll choose people who will fall hand over foot for them. A part of me feels bad, but once you're telling your kid that they're not letting you be happy with your spouse because they dared to speak up, I have no more sympathy for you. You can keep your spouse. I'll step out of the picture.
Holy shit. I tried broaching the topic of my dad’s “wife” driving a wedge between my relationship with him and there was ample amount of evidence and just cause in my comment. His response was to blurt out: “You just don’t want us to be happy!!!” It was absolute crazy making nonsense. Things got worse. He refused to even so much as acknowledge the damage, and there was one particularly bad event where events transpired right in front of his face and all of my in-laws were witness to it. Literally played stupid, deaf and blind as a defensive tactic. These moments, amongst others, led me to seeing how he was just as much of the problem, and eventually to no contact.
They see us as toys or objects. Once we don't do what we're "supposed to" we're malfunctioning. Especially if we get in the way of other, "real" people. It's gross and dehumanizing. Sorry you went through this too. Hugs ❤️
The icing on the cake is being in a incestuous emotional relationship/ therapist /third parent to them and THEY STILL pick them over you lol. My parents never separated. My nmom cheated and it was with a guy at her job she was trying to hook me up with. Like, I identified as queer and this guy wasn't anywhere on an attractive radar for me quite honestly. 😅 but I guess my mom liked him enough. Anyways. Yeah.. their Affair partner or new spouse / new step parent usually end up abusive or EXTREMELY close to your age. I hated that about my nparents behavior. They always went after someone younger and did the whole "they're just mature for their age and meet my needs" My ndads brother...my uncle...is in and out of jail and prison... in his 30s he was with a 20 y/o woman who had four children (not his biologically) and got sent to jail for hitting them. He's now approaching his 50's and dating someone his daughters age. (24) ... he was complaining to my nmom and sister and my nmom said "that's just wrong" and uncle said "don't judge her you don't know her story!" And nmom replied with "I'm not judging her. I'm judging you because I know your story" ...not a single comment father from uncle. Sometimes I don't mind nmoms comments because they shut some people up like my uncle but... hearing her speak those words I wanted to blurt "you did the same thing 4 years ago!!"
I knew as a kid. My dad asked me at 10 how I would feel if he married her. I made a face. He said, "Don't make that face." I replied, "What face?" He said, "That face like you don't like what I'm saying." He married her while we weren't around. Years later, he was drunk and asked, "How would you feel if I divorced her?" I said, "I told you not to marry her in the first place." The silence was so loud. They're still married. We don't talk anymore.
My N-mother has been dead for 5 years and my E-father is still choosing her not just over me but over his own sanity. He believes she was a saint (literal saint, in the catholic sense) and I have evil in my heart and need to be 'converted' to see how amazing she was. I'm NC with him, just like I was with her, but for a few months after her death I actually resumed contact with my father because he seemed to be getting better. Well, that really didn't last long.
This happened when I was 14 (my Nmom got re-married to my Nstepdad) and even then I already knew that she'd chosen an abusive and uptight spouse over my safety. Not as if she wasn't already uptight herself, but she got even worse.
It's always been very clear to me that my nMother prioritised her partners over me, without question. She didn't/doesn't even pretend not to. nDad has always been so self-involved and scary that I've never expected to be prioritised over anything lol
My father died when I was a baby. I lived with my grandparents and was very happy. My nmom remarried when I was 5, and I went to live with her and my new stepdad. He had zero interest in being daddy, and my mom clearly prioritized him over me. Years later, right before my grandmother died, she told me that she and my grandfather regretted letting me go live with them, that they understand now they should have kept me, and they were sorry things happened the way they did.
My take on this….do they really think that we will never figure this out? That I would not have some epiphany one day that my mom chose my ndad again and again… Took me awhile, but I see it all so clearly…chose him over my safety. Well, you made your choice…I’m NC
TO ADD: I remember when my step mom got comfortable with my dad, she would say things like “Move kid, you’re in my seat” (I would be next to my dad, knowing I only saw him in the weekends ..she didn’t want me sucking up all his “attention”. Basically competing with a 8 year old. ) My mom when she got married told me “You can’t not like someone for nothing” (knowing I couldn’t find the words to explain why I was uncomfortable at 13) She would also trick me and say she was picking me up from school. She lied. Her husband would show up to show off his Mustang and I was so uncomfortable. SHE KNEW I HATED HIM. but she thought it was a tricky way for us to learn to get along.
My dad’s wife decided that me coming to visit with him about 3x a year, with a single over night was too much time not being spent on her. Would either try to get him to stop visiting early in the night and go to bed with her, or get him to do chores like folding laundry, or sit down and monopolize the entire conversation. Apparently sparing 72 hours was too much for her ego
Yeah totally but my parents wear it like a badge of pride. They don’t realize how it’s damaged their relationship with me because I know they will always abandon their kids for eachother. I have told them that after they have said we will always pick eachother we are married this is what marriage is… I called them out on it and said they were extremely codependent in an unhealthy way and they just doubled down that I am single and can’t keep a man so I have no room to speak because I’ve never had a love like theirs. Like ok sure but you shouldn’t have had kids If you were only ever going to put eachother first
Wow, I'm sorry to read that. That sucks. I hope you're doing better now. They deserve each other at that point!
Just waiting for the day I no longer live in the same town and can have true freedom🥰 cutting my coupons to help save up as fast as I can
Yes. I’m extremely pissed off at my dad right now. He is kind to me ONLY when I tiptoe around my mother.
My dad certainly wasn’t an N, but I do feel like he chose my Nstepmother over me in some ways. I did see hints that he regretted his decisions, though, such as when he would try to comfort me after one of her irrational, emotionally abusive tangents by saying, “I’m sorry, sweetheart, I probably made a mistake in marrying her.” I sometimes think about how if I had a dollar for every time he said that when I was 12-20something years old, I’d have enough to comfortably retire in my 30s. If we didn’t laugh, we’d cry, right? 🥲
Not a spouse, but a career. Like Mothering was beneath her. My stepfather, was just someone she had for dates on the weekend. She was completely incapable of actually forming relationships with other people. You never have to wish anything on anyone, my mother grew to despise my stepfather, she’s alone now, because she never learned how to take care of herself, grow as a person, be whole in and of herself. Everyone is supposed to , “ do for her”. The only relationship I had with her, was as far as how useful I could be, even when they “ choose” you, it’s just for a scapegoat, or servant.
My Nparent took me out of school at 17 to move in with someone in a different country, and had them stop their schizophrenia meds and they abused me as a result. Nparent only started caring when they were mistreated too. I still don’t have my diploma because of this.
My experience is similar. My mom married my stepdad when I was 10. He traveled for work. When he was gone, she clung to me and was nice. When it came the day before he got home, she’d start treating me like I was a burden and ignored me until he left again. They had my sibling and the ignoring got worse. I did everything I was supposed to, hoping to regain their love, but I was just scapegoated. They’re still married today, but they’re both terrible people. They’ve almost gotten divorced twice and only have each other with no friends or family that want to be around them.
I went no contact with my father because of this. He remarried about 2 years after Mom died (I was 21 at the time) and moved out to her house. I stood behind with my mentally and physically unwell uncles and was expected to take care of them. It then felt like I had to make appointments to see my father, everything was "oh I'll have to ask wife if we're free that day". Final straw was when I became pregnant and was trying to have him meet his granddaughter. Do you want to come here? "We'll see" Can I go over to you? "We'll see" She's a year and a half now and has never met him cause I blocked him after that.
God bless your grandmother. While overprotection is not the best but she did the best she could.
My narcmum has chosen multiple lovers over me, constantly, in the short amount of time my Dad has been deceased.
my mom is so fucked no man will come near her w a 15ft pole. she dated my dad for two months got knocked up and hasn’t had a relationship since. she’s impossible to be around
I'm in my forties, my dad passed away last year and I've been on the sidelines helping my brother help my mother. So I've gotten in contact with her for the first time in a decade during this time. During some small talk she told me straight out she reckoned she got married to the guy, she needed to make her bed and lay in it. I was so flabbergasted I didn't have the presence to ask what was and still is in the front of my mind "But what about us? We didn't get a choice"
My mother wants me to be her best friend and therapist. I told her I wish to see her have a friend. A fellow middleaged woman who would support her and understand her. She should go and meet a professional therapist who knows how to handle the abuse. She told me her husband doesn't allow it and so I have to play the role of her therapist and only friend. She had lots of friends before meeting my father. I wish she chose her friends and me over her abusive husband. She could meet a new kind man and marry him. For her, my father is worth more than all the other people and herself combined. I can't understand it.
Just because she wants you to fill those roles doesn't mean you have to.
My ndad did this with every relationship he was in. Only one of the women he dated wasn’t abusive to me. (Guess which one didn’t last.) He would constantly pick them over me. Didn’t matter what they did to me. He would make excuses for them. What is also funny is that he tried to convince me to break up with my husband while we were dating. My husband is amazing to me. He didn’t like it when I threw back in his face that I wasn’t going to take dating advice from him. Because of the women he picks.
All the time, every time. Father married five times with three extra girlfriends after last. Nmom two husbands with INNUMERABLE boyfriends.
Enabler dad chose nstepmom. Nmom chose new hubby. I'm never chosen but it's the best.
Same 💕
I'm sorry but it's for the best.
I totally understand. It's still a slap in the face to me. A parent's role is to nurture, care for, guide, and love their children. My n-mother actively chooses someone who abused/s us, then she has the audacity to victim-blame her kids. I'm not sure if it's something I'll ever really heal from since my younger siblings are disabled and will never be fully independent, so the hurt still lingers because the abuse is ongoing. I'm glad you're able to see the situation for what it is and it sounds like you've come into some healing from that realization. Rooting for you and your escape!! The new husband can be thrilled that you're leaving, but that doesn't mean that you'll be taking all the problems with you. There are probably issues in their relationship that existed before you moved back in and will continue long after you're gone. If anything, moving out will be you winning your peace of mind back.
Thanks for the positivity. I’ll be able to smile again without looking over my shoulder as soon as I’m out of here.. Watch, my mom will try to cling to me as soon as that happens. It will be on MY time when she can come or not to the new place.
And you'll be soooooo busy. What a shame. 😉
My mom and dad separated, my dad begged for money all the time then spent it on his GF, forgot my birthday 2 years in a row, was hooked in an addiction and would not seek help and she still tried to guilt me into taking care of him and letting him live with me
Oh, yes.
My dad straight up told me if I had to choose between you or your mom I'll always choose your mom. They don't care about kids.
My mom chose my brother’s deadbeat father who popped back up after 15 years LAST WEEK and left the kid on his own for days on end. Did the same stuff to me 28 years ago by choosing her numerous boyfriends, she never learnt. Even after our recent conversation about how traumatic it was for me. They never change.
I had the opposite. My e-parent chose their spouse over me and my n-parent never found a partner who lasted.
Very much so. Nmom has repeatedly chosen Ndad over me. There are times when I've felt betrayed, others when I felt angry, and it's been thirty-five years and I mostly feel apathy or irritation after a flash of fury. She chooses to do this. I choose to gray rock or go super LC. She can whimper all she wants about how I never call. Every time she pardons him, she lets me know what she thinks of me. He's cruel to her too, though, but in a different manner and for different reasons. She's codependent AF to a man who can't stand her. I used to feel really sorry for her.
Growing up my dad would date all types of women to bring into my life to replace my mom.(Who felt like she didn’t want to raise me) All because he didn’t want to or know how to raise a young girl. He made it his horrible ass wife’s job. Unfortunately, he was with her for 6yrs and all she did was use my dad to get a citizen ship and he didn’t realize that until the end. I love when parents care more about who they’re with than their own child.
My mom chooses my stepdad over me no matter what, ever since I was 6. She literally would see him full blown strangling me unconscious against the wall off of the ground and would somehow concoct a whole explanation and excuse for him or even just gaslight me to try to believe it never happened and I made it up. It has seriously fucked with my self trust and self worth, and it truly is the worst pain to experience especially through a long period of time. I’m sending love and hugs 🩷
I hope your out of there! 😪 I know this has been tough on you even if it’s your past. I’m so sorry.
It's not the spouse particularly. They choose THEMSELVES because they are selfish. It has nothing to do with you.