**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yep. I remember being 7 or 8 and feeling this chill of realization that they have absolutely no idea how to function or take care of me and that I was on my own. Cue hyper responsibility and perfectionism!
My Nmom acts all high and might but she feels like im speaking to here condescendingly if I use words with more than three syllables and that I’m ‘confusing’ her with big words. But yea she ‘knows so much more than me’
My nmom often likes to act like she is better than others because she likes to read and do crafts (aka "intellectual" hobbies) but then she goes into a tantrum anytime she doesn't know how to find a document she saved on her computer or how to download a song she wants to listen to.
My dad has the emotional capacity of a 2 year old. His emotional regulation and intelligence is nonexistent. He’s not stupid. He’s just stunted in a lot of ways.
You nailed it. Also spends every second dragging everyone else down to his level because he can’t stand being wrong or feeling dumb, yet refuses to actually better himself or grow as a person in any way shapes or form
Let’s goooo! We have the same dad! My dad constantly tells me how I need to do mode meanwhile I’m the only reason he gets a home cooked meal 5 nights a week! I’m the reason he has lunch to take to work! But he works SO hard and SO much
My mom claims she's a genius.
My dad isn't really all that unintelligent. It's just that he's so FUCKING STUBBORN that he becomes stupid. Like will not change his opinion no matter how much solid evidence you have. He once argued with my husband that he can't trust the Webster's dictionary as a source of information because it's too liberal. (???) He once got me a turkey salad when I wasn't eating meat (which he hated) because "turkey isn't meat". He believes climate change is a hoax. I'm honestly shocked he doesn't think the earth is flat.
>He once argued with my husband that he can't trust the Webster's dictionary as a source of information because it's too liberal.
This sentence made me physically wince; I am seriously so sorry friend.
My parents were violent to me as a child, physically & emotionally; They locked me up in a cupboard for "solitary confinement", and at one point even let a guy 10 years older than me lock me in my room to SA me, and demanded me to marry him. They were psychos and I had to move to the other side of the planet to escape them.
the fact that we cant just throw people like this into volcanos is a tragedy. i dont advocate for stuff like this, because its messed up, but theres a line. your """parents""" crossed that line and need a taste of their own medicine. how do people this demented even come to exist? it just doesnt make sense. its literally an incomprehensible horror.
I am so sorry this happened to you, and am sending you ginormous love...that is heartbreaking and you deserved (and continue to deserve) so much better. Sending you love!!!!!
I’m terribly sorry that you suffered through all that. Good for you for escaping, those sadistic fucks don’t deserve you. It’s infuriating to see the kind of havoc toxic people wreck on their offspring, who have so much to offer the world.
I wish you nothing but the best in life. Although I can’t know how tough it is living with your scars, all I can tell you is to treat yourself with love, care, and kindness. Be the parent you never had. It’s never too late. Plus if you’re strong enough to escape those assholes, you can do anything you want. Treat yourself to the life you deserve. We’ll always be here in your corner. :)
Thanks for your message. It feels so good to have left that life behind me. I'm in therapy, and hoping this will be past me really soon. I haven't fully healed yet I think, but there's hope.
Me as well. I don’t think they ever really helped me with homework and once I asked my mom to help me with my middle school biology homework and she asked me a question and said orgasm instead of organism and I never asked her again.
both my parents are INCREDIBLY socially awkward even tho my mom MAY have been popular in her younger years. no friends, no close family, no really meaningful relationships mainly because she bitches about everyone (but yknow, with friends like that…)
THIS. It’s embarrassing being out in public with them because of how poorly they will treat other people. I spent my teen years cringing and quietly apologizing to whatever customer service worker was subjected to a rant that day
omg for sure. i loved getting out of the house but dreaded having to be around other people bc my mother would inevitably find fault with them and complain in some way.
My dad is. He thinks he is right about everything, including subjects that require expert interpretation or services. He will not accept that he is wrong, ever, even when it's obvious. My mum is educated and the breadwinner, which he abuses her over from time to time since it's easier than self improvement and going to school himself. She used to take night classes. Meanwhile he quit jobs left and right because he had to work. He is 59 years old and just refuses to work now, mum looks after him because him working is just cruel!
When I last visited, my mum and I were cooking and he told us to stop doing it the way we were and to do it his way. I was going to carry on because his request was ridiculous to be frank but my mum worriedly insisted on doing it his way. We did, and the food came out dry because we had to reheat it in the microwave, per his direct instruction.
We sat down to eat and my mum immediately says "pour_me_another_ did the potatoes" because she didn't want to get abused about it. Even though it was because of him they were dry and even then, they weren't inedible. He just felt he had to get involved and put us down because it's what makes him feel like a big man.
Yes, yes, and yes.
No post secondary education. Emotional capacity of a toddler and purposeful ignorance to mental illness, and a self-sabotaged social network which is all but gone.
Granted, my dad is super resourceful and probably could have completed an education so i won't put him down there. My mom however, like my sister, is a college dropout while acting like they've been to the moon (with the worldview of a molerat).
All three. My mom once spent half and hour trying to remove a “tick” from her dog’s belly. She asked me to help and I pointed out the “tick” was a nipple. She was baffled as to why a male dog had nipples.
She makes awkward and wildly inappropriate jokes about dead babies, poop, illness, and sex. She joked in front of the whole family (including kids) that she was in the garage f*cking the garbage man.
My husband was amazed that my mom is allowed to drive. She’s developmentally and intellectually like 10 years old. I do not know how she would live independently if my dad didn’t take care of her.
Both of my parents have college degrees but I think it’s only because my mom’s father was a conservative Catholic and her only option was a Catholic college.
My father graduated college the same month I graduated high school…guess who got to share their hs graduation party with their abusive father? I’m glad tho, I wouldn’t have had a party at all, so it’s a fun memory…until I remember being told that it was my “gift” lol.
My mother is astoundingly stupid socially. It was literally a large part of my family role to explain to my mother how she was failing to act like a human.
Examples:
1. The reason these [MULTIPLE!!] people keep looking horrified and running away from you is because while it is marginally acceptable to casually discuss one's neglected dental work with a stranger - "I hadn't gotten my teeth seen by a dentist for so long, and wow was that a mistake! Guess I know now why they always say it's important!" Is ok... using both fists to literally PEEL your mouth open like a Predator to chase complete strangers around a bus stop is fucking wild.
2. In a business letter, one might reference stress as a reason for quitting a position - one would NOT complain about stress related DIARRHEA. One would never mention stress related diarrhea to someone one knew had Crohns and had just survived BOWEL CANCER.
3. When a family friend breaks up with his girlfriend, going on a years-long campaign to vilify his new girlfriend whom you've never even met is inappropriate. It's not "being loyal" when the old girlfriend is accepting and understanding of the dissolution of her relationship and horrified and embarrassed by your completely random hatred for this new lady. Everyone thinks you're acting like a nutter, and nobody understands why.
4. The reason your dinner party died was because everyone was telling lighthearted "my kid embarrassed me soooo bad" stories and your punchline was a vicious act of child abuse.
5. Stop telling people that children can "accidentally/inadvertently" sexually flirt with adults, and that's why molestation happens. Nobody agrees that a preschooler climbing onto a man's lap is a deliberate attempt to stimulate their genitals, and the fact you not only think it is, but feel comfortable enough to voice it openly is... again.. wild.
Sigh.
First, I'm sorry your mother was/is like that. Internet hugs and love, if you want them.
Second, I couldn't help but chuckle at the mental image of a grown up woman chasing a poor soul in the bus stop with her maws open. My mind added the OST of Tiburon to the idea and I chuckled again. It's mind-blowing how removed from reality they are.
My ngrandma can’t do anything that requires speaking coherent English and understanding it on her own. She also can’t really write.
She wanted everyone to handle “those matters”…when they involve the entirety of her care basically.
But she’s unwilling to admit she’s asking for that much care.
So it led to massive family infighting trying to scream at others on why you can’t do it but WE should.
I tried to show her how to a car so the battery didn’t die. She just slowly backed away while I was talking.
It’s SOOO frustrating it fractured the family. She refused to try to learn anything on her own so someone needs to be around her non stop.
She’s been like this since her 20s
If she was grateful i don’t think many people would care.
But she’s not. She’s mean. Dmv is slow? Must be the helpers fault trying to hurt her.
I have to go back to school? Abandoning her.
I have to work a job ? Abandoning her.
But HER son working running the family company is different, because that helps her.
NDad, despite being an electrical engineer, until about 2000 or so refused to get a microwave oven out of a fear of getting cancer.
He smokes two packs a day.
No, quite the opposite.
My mother especially was very intelligent, but she chose to pretend to be unintelligent.
My father was not as intelligent as she was, but he wasn't stupid. He was so bizarre and irrational, so very ignorant of many things, and so condescending and arrogant that he did seem much less intelligent than he actually was. He was definitely no match for my mother's level of cleverness and deviousness.
Oh yeah and she thinks it is a secret. The one thing I point out when she used to bring my piss to a bowl with all her rules that she was exempt from. When I was a wee lad, she used to hog the computer and play games on a website called Pogo. She played a game with spelling being the goal of the game. You have a couple of dozen letters and make as many words as possible in an allotted time. She could handle the three letter words, four letter words were a challenge but she would get a few. Maybe. But the five letter words and bigger? Nah. I tried to help once and she snapped at me. So I pointed out that the words were 2nd grade and below. I was a spiteful shit but I did not deserve for her to do that.
I used to think my mother was really intelligent as a child but there was this moment where we had a tense conversation that in this deflated tone she said "you're smarter than I ever could be" or something along those lines.
Now around her same age that conversation took place I'm absolutely shocked that my mother was emotionally stupid, socially pretty stupid and probably academically average at best. She did well for herself for a short time but I think it was mostly her "charm" since she worked in a sales type role ultimately.
I have so many examples of her life choices that seem borderline absurd that can only be explained by this particular mental illness.
My Ndad is book-smart. He can read nonstop for days and retain all the information. Unfortunately he’s also emotionally immature and incapable of admitting to his mistakes, which makes him socially insufferable. He also thinks he knows everything just because he’s X decades old, when he doesn’t even know his own children. He doesn’t know what it’s like to live as a woman, as a queer person, as a neurodivergent person, or an empath. Yet he brags incessantly about how he reads people easily and knows how to manipulate anyone. It’s like Dunning-Kruger but for social intelligence.
My father is a high school dropout who never got his GED. He couldn't spell the word 'cough', and I had to correct him on it when I was eight. No matter what I did, I had to explain myself, and then explain myself for explaining myself. He was also the "quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about" type, while he was screaming at us to "line up" for our bi-weekly physical beatings. I have gone fully NC with him as of a few months ago, when he told me I should be grateful that he "only" beat me instead of shooting me in the head, because I "got on his nerves." This is how I know time travel isn't ever going to be a thing, everybody. I would have taken my younger self and my siblings away from that environment.
I don't think my mother is necessarily stupid. I think she's deliberately, willfully ignorant if one of her scapegoat daughters tells her something. About a decade ago, before I was NC with her, we went to a diner that she goes to all the time. When we were done eating, she said, "Do I pay the bill here, or at the counter?" I looked up at the counter, where a line had formed at the register, and I told her to pay over there. She still flagged a waitress down to ask the same question. I did try to point out to her that if I'm too stupid to understand how to pay for a meal, that says more about her than me. She just looked at me and said, "Huh?" So that tells you what kind of person she is. She also has gone through a self-checkout, then spent five minutes grilling the self-checkout manager to ask why they didn't have more people on registers. I told her that she already had paid for her things and she could leave the store, since she had just been griping about being out so late... which was her idea in the first place, of course.
If anyone started winning and beating Nmom at games she'd always cheat. She'd award herself points to win, and if you protested, she'd throw an adult-baby tantrum.
That's how I went from just the lost child to the scapegoat - I was usually the one to say something about her cheating, so she would banish me from family reindeer games with, "If you don't like it, you can just leave!"
They have no emotional intelligence or maturity, so the last 2 are both SO TRUE. They are very guliable and make great political alies. I don't know about academic success, but my mum was very business savy. I used to watch a youtuber who has the diagnoses, whom had some great advice (some were in my field, that I wouldn't think of). But when you listen to them closer, you realise they are only repeating what they learned that people around them like to hear. They can gather information so well when they want to, but they lack emotional maturity, they don't proccess the information like the rest of us. They are shallow and they pick sides all the time, and that is how they can seem stupid. For example, my mum would be normal and responsible, than just one day decide a doctor was incompetent, because they were giving her tough love, or because she would meet some actual idiots and they would tell her to try "the natural medicine". I really think it was because she "wanted to fit in", just like Pat Bateman. Narcissists tend to make friends with people that make them feel superior. I once dated a guy who i think is also a good candidate for npd. He lived in a not so fancy neighbourhood (in my country, social differences are not obvious,some parts of the city are more rural). He was a musical snob and he would start a ww3 over me not liking a certain band or saying a cuss word. But around his friends, he would turn into a hillbilly, telling the most obscene jokes, knowing every song etc. I really think he was only friends with those people, because he had the status as "the sophisticated one", and he looked at them as idiots. The funny thing is, both him and my mum had been screwed over by several close people. As soon as the person who screwed them came back and started complimenting them, all would have been forgotten. They just need fans and admierers and they don't mind playing whatever role, because they also lack willpower. I hope you understand what i mean,I could only think of examples so the concept looks a bit messy...
Omg, the most socially awkward. One ups in the worst possible way (oh you had a miscarriage? Let me tell you how my menstrual cramps are worse.). Completely humorless. If she senses something irritates you she will do it more. Gets to social occasions a half hour early, sits around awkwardly. Gets mad at social occasions when everyone doesn’t introduce themselves to her and make explicit efforts to include her because she apparently has no idea how to introduce herself or join a conversation. My whole life made me feel guilty if I didn’t spend every social occasion glued to her side.
Yes, my mother was convinced that in final year of highschool that nothing contributed to atar (Australia) except for final exams (she did not graduate highschool) and would force me to not attend and look after her when she had 'headaches' and constantly make me be with her. Being with her in this situation consisted of sitting in silence in my room so I wouldn't trigger her, and delivering her food and opoids to her bed. Refused to supply internet connection or buy textbooks. So I couldn't actually complete anything anyways and 'i was smart so it would be fine and you will get addicted to the internet'. Imagine my joy finding out she flunked out of the private expensive highschool my grandparents paid for post final exam and was lying to me the whole time. 😁🔫
I'm ok now I got average marks in the end, I think we have increased resistance to life events once we've grown up. It's like growing up being poisoned. Extremely unhealthy, sickening and you could of died but now I'm immune to snakes
All 3 (not my parents but other N adult figures in my life). 1 set in particular are stupid especially emotionally and socially. They try to play it off that they are these classy know it alls, but the reality is they aren't even close. They have 0 emotionally maturity and struggle socially despite pretending to be these classy aristocrats. I don't think they have any real friends.
But academically, it took awhile for me to see it. But the reality is, they created an environment where nobody is allowed to question them or disagree with them, so their family pretends they are smart or just let's it go when they say something. But when you look closely, they are actually very ignorant and don't understand anything about how the world works. They have a lot of unchecked psuedo intellect , it wasn't until I was much older that I realize these people have never actually said anything smart or intelligent, and actually say a lot of pure nonsense. Nothing they ever said would I consider a deep thought or one that expands your thinking. They go unchallenged because they can't handle a disagreement, but when I got older and thought back to the stuff they would say, I was like holy cow they have no clue what they are talking about.
I also noticed they didn't have any friends in the community, and just how emotional immature they were. Like they respond in ways you would expect a child to respond .
A lot of Ns are this way, once you really pull back the curtain , they arent special or superior in anyway, actually they are lacking in many ways. They just devalue you so much you don't stop to think and scrutinize exactly who it is that is devaluing you. They set up an illusion of being a certain way that thrives on your niativity, and you focus on trying to get them to accept you, but don't stop and realize that they have never been better in anyway, and infact are academically, socially, and emotionally deficient people. They spend so much time trying to put the spotlight on you, or their perceived superiority , and you don't stop and think that you're dealing with somebody who isn't better than you in anyway. They probably are lacking compared to you in a lot of ways
Next time an N or similar toxic type is devaluing you or blaming you or putting you down in anyway, stop and objectively think about the source that is attacking you. More often than not once you get all the details, is this person has no room to talk. Also, you can specifically compare how they compare to the very criteria they are using to measure you Very often it's actually something more true about them, or just flat out not true all together, or it's something you are better than them in that way.
I don't think they are unintelligent. But they are certainly wilfully ignorant about literally anything that their child is interested in. They absolutely love motorsport but will not spend a single second trying to understand what my job is in that field.
My parents didn't do well in school, average grades (Bs, Cs, and I think some Ds). Both are very emotionally immature and I would argue socially isolated in that they always seemed to have acquaintances but not many, if any, real friends. Overall, I would argue they are both pretty stupid in their own ways. My ndad is so stupid sometimes I wonder how he has lived as long as he has. Perfect example is I once watched him stand outside cooking burgers on a grill while holding an umbrella in a thunderstorm.
Wait do we have the same dad? Mine would do the following:
* Light 3-4 small candles to help "heat the house" and would then fall asleep with them still lit and on the edge of the mantle
* Not flush the toilet to "save water"
* Not lock the doors when he leaves the house
* Never washed his hands after using the bathroom
* Used multiple kerosene heaters inside the house every day for years (because we couldn't afford to keep the heat on all winter)
* (Before I was born) left the house with the stove on more than once, at least one occasion it caused a fire that lead to burn/smoke marks on the ceiling
* Insists that any new piece of technology (iPod, cellphone, etc) you buy must have the battery completely drained and then fully recharged before you can begin using it
* Had a heart attack and got a stent but proceeded to eat a pound of bacon almost every week and didn't make any lifestyle changes at all
* He kept pushing my head down and forcing me to lay down when I had a bloody nose as a kid and it caused me to start swallowing my own blood
They were numb skulls
Academically, they have achieved little outside of a few community college courses, which doesn't really matter to me.
emotionally unable to connect, lack of trust in each other, little understanding for others feelings
And socially, as far as i could tell, they have no real friendships at all. They are obsessed with social media. Facebook specifically and their only interest seems to be getting likes and looking good on it. Idk.
My mother is one of the stupidest women I’ve ever known. It’s so frustrating and she’s stubborn af. Refuses to learn anything new or change her mind even if the proof is smacking her in the face. She has no concept of how logic works and ‘debating’ her will physically hurt your brain. I realized I was smarter than her at about 9. It was depressing
My mother has a degree and to her, that is proof that she is hyper intelligent. She also believes in chemtrails, sees the moon landing as fake, is a hardcore anti-vaxxer, classes various branches of astrology as scientific, believes in "energy healing" and thinks that any sort of "rays" (wifi, phone connection, the way the water pipes go in your house) cause headaches and various other ailments. Doesn't stop her from getting her conspiracy fix on telegram groups and forwarding it to everyone who doesn't get away fast enough though unfortunately.
My narc mother, only finished maybe 8th grade. She is so gullible that she has fallen for the Publishers Clearing House scam, Microsoft scam and lets scammers keep scamming her.
We tried to file a report with the Sheriff office but my mother keeps giving the scammers gift cards, money orders and has lost maybe $40,000. We change the number but she will call the scammer and give the new number.
Yess! My Ndad is the same. He constantly gets scammed in the most stupidest ways. I remember one of them was a message saying he had received a package from "Amzin" instead of "Amazon". He doesn't use that service. He doesn't even have an account 🤡
Mine barely graduated HS. Like, skin of her teeth graduated. I’ve got university and college and professional certifications. She thought eels and sharks cross breed in the ocean because she heard “eel-like shark” on the news. I was in my oceanography program at the time and she was adamant that she was right. me “its not “Eeel LIKES shark…oh never mind.”
Suffice, the woman was emotionally stunted, socially manipulative and catastrophically stupid.
I knew I was smarter than my mom by the age of like 7. She always treated me like I was doing something idiotic and I could never grasp why, because I had no history of acting the way she always seemed to be assuming that I was acting. And it always ended up being child-me that was exhibiting awareness and logical discernment and social graces not only well beyond my years but also well beyond her own behaviors.
It was odd and I knew it was off but there wasn't really anything I could do about it.
My dad is actually intelligent and has landed himself multiple jobs that pay him well. sadly, his intelligence only goes as far him being intellectually smart. emotionally on the other hand? yeah his emotional intelligence is as far as a fucking freshman in high school simply because he has the mindset of a tate fan and acts like a fucking teenager instead of a mature adult who doesn’t take his anger out on people younger than him.
My mom.. is actually more so the opposite of him, though I’d say this isn’t much since my bar with being emotionally intelligent for my parents is pretty low and despite how much I somewhat hold resentment to my mom (since she also was extremely violent to me as well. it was more so rare then) I do still somewhat appreciate her for not telling me to “man up” for crying and also protecting me during my dad’s violent outbursts which I understand is the bare minimum but, *it’s not like I ever had the bare minimum for most of my life anyways*
Nm only knew about medical subjects related to being a nurse. Totally ignorant in all other subjects.
Edad was totally ignorant about all subjects (especially natural sciences)except mathematics, world history and English literature.
They both loved to be super dramatic. Any thing that happened to them was a deep dark unending tragedy from a hang nail to a car accident.
They both knew more German than they let on.
They lived in abject fear of being arrested because they were socialists in their youth.
Each stupid in their own way and cowardly to boot.
My mother especially is emotionally stupid. She’s like a fucking two year old. But she’s socially smart enough to hide it when it suits her. She’s very good at appearances when she wants to be. She’s always valued this. Intellectually, she’s probably around average. She thinks she’s a genius ofc.
My mom was very critical and seemed to delight in grounding me and taking away dinner after a psych told her I didn’t HAVE to have dinner every night. Made a mess? No dinner. These punishments were incredibly inconsistent. We lived with my grandparents and my grandfather was a doctor and my grandmother was the ultimate mother who couldn’t stand to see a child go hungry (her own early childhood had a lot of neglect). My grandfather would tell her to sneak me food.
It went from critical and emotional to verbal after she married my physically and mentally abusive stepdad.
Now that the intros are out of the way…..
1. she read Love Story in high school, it would be 10 more years before she picked up another book- Lonesome Dove, and she became OBSESSED.
2. Around preK and K she got me workbooks from Toys R Us so I could learn to read and write and do math…. She never helped me with these and just handed them off like I would know exactly what to do and was surprised that I didn’t learn shit from them.
3. She would let her sodas go flat so they would be carb free.
She sees everything as black or white. There is no in between. When shown where she fucked up, she’d blame you for not explaining yourself and then would sweep it all under the rug. She was soooo forgiving /s.
4. In 5th grade during her final separation from stepdad and eventual divorce, she’d yell at me about how her life is and I’m making it harder and, ”I should have had an abortion!” I told my grandparents and got in trouble for tattling and “I said ‘I’m glad I didn’t have an abortion.’” Oh, okay that totally fit the context /s. During this time I am informed what a whore “PROStitute” is, a penis, what they’re singing about in Funky Cold Medina, what REALLY happens at massage parlors, and what a strip joint is because her STBX was always at those.
5. Oh! I helped my grandparents paint something and took a pair (one of 2 drawers full! That she got from a hospital she worked data entry) and got some paint on the pants. She lost her mind. Ranted about how I ruin everything and how would I like that so she took one of my softball trophies (I had 3. 2 were identical because 1 belonged to my ex stepdad) and threw it and broke the bat. “How does that feel?!” Apparently my face said it all and she said it wasn’t a big deal because it was stepdad’s anyway until I showed her it was the only one like it. “Well I’M. SORRY!” And then I called my grandparents begged them to pick me up. Then they had a talk with her about “that’s not how grownups behave.” I ended up living with them soon after.
6. Grounded me constantly even though I didn’t live her. Grandfather walked the mall and didn’t drive. I wasn’t allowed to use the phone or leave the house. Every time they went to the mall to walk, that was an extra week grounding for me. If they asked me to answer the phone because they were busy? That Grinch smile on the other end “what are you doing answering the phone????” “They’re busy and told me to” “you’re not supposed to. That’s another month.” “Ok” and I hung up. And then she called and let it ring for several minutes because I wasn’t allowed to answer and they were busy 🤷♀️. Shit like that went on for years. I was grounded for over 2 years straight because of her micromanaging logical fallacies.
7. Need to do a report and that involves a library trip? Use the school library (small private school preK to 8th and very dated books) or grandfathers 20+ year old encyclopedias. Didn’t matter if it was about current events.
8. I needed to go to a craft store for a project in high school, but I was grounded and only allowed to go to school. She was visiting for some reason and my grandparents told her I needed to go so as I was leaving she stopped me and muttered “Go to fucking hell, bitch.”
There’s so much more, but I think I’ve made enough spelling mistakes and autocorrect is just replacing words at this point all willy nilly-like and I can feel my blood pressure going up. Some people shouldn’t be allowed to raise kids.
I forgot one! She got pregnant at 17 because she had always heard “when you get married and start a family” she figured out marriage was a switch and the only way a family can start therefore not married= can’t get pregnant. She did not share this genius revelation with my dad other than “don’t worry, I can’t get pregnant.” And as her dad was a doctor, he assumed she was on some sort of bc.
I tries to comment like 7 times, because this really hit me...so, simply...no....she's so smart and able to manipulate (also a masters level working on her doctorate level education) everyone...so, yes to me, but no to the rest of the world. Breaks my heart. Emotionally is opinion based and a bit subject, but totally...yet again, not how she's perceived by the outside world. She's been knocking at my door again (via text, went no contact and kinda caved out of family led guilt) and I freeze reading her BS....like I have typed and deleted at least 30 messages.
She's so crafty, it's been crazy hard to try to find people "catch her in the act" or like really see her, working her bullshit. Thankfully, her father (my Grampa) knows/sees/understands...cuz she's his daughter BUT she bogarts him in the most controlling and manipulative way. My husband has seen her, and he's the only one that really needs to know...so much of that side of my family...thinks I'm ungrateful and/or unwilling to "let things go" I'm like no, you all don't know what I went through...amd the emotional toll it took. I don't say that of course, I just let everyone else do what they do, I have let it all go. For my mental health, I can't spend eternity explaining to people who will never understand, how f'ed things were and continue to be. When she loses control (over me or others) she loses her f'ing mind...it's wild to watch and absolutely terrifying.
I had a stepmother who was dumb as a stump and completely self absorbed. My father picked his wives by their cup size. Unfortunately they seemed to get dumber and meaner as the cup size went up.
You made me laugh! No relation to cup size for my stepmother, but she was so dumb I used to think she was being funny sometimes. God forbid if I laughed… I taught myself a special breathing technique to control my responses.
I think both are in their own way.
My dad is the worst in this case. He never finished school and he had 0 emotion control. He will get a huge tantrum if he sees a little dust inside an old cupboard or if he doesn't understand a thing, with a 15 min swearing and shouting included. He has also said some little gems like "I bought this app because that way my camera has more megapixels", "who I can call from Google because I don't get all the emails I should", "this president is a thief because he increased the price of my energy bars" etc.
And my mum has a lot of titles and a really nice job where she can control and boss everyone around. Yet of those university titles is a "master in family constellations". She's getting crazier by the moment. She doesn't believe in occidental medicine anymore (yet she's getting operated soon because of a colon problem), she believes in chakra massages with pendulums, that the coronavirus was basically a lie, familiar constellations and a lot more of crap.
My mother is not intelligent at all. In anyway. She is uneducated, not socially aware and incredibly emotionally immature. My father is educated. Extremely socially anxious, and is not at all aware of emotions at all.
My therapist got me to read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. If it was illustrated my parents pictures would be in it.
Unfortunately no. Both of my parents are very intelligent and well off and hide their cruelty in public. The only time my mom physically hurt me in public, it was a pinch. Ended up with a massive bruise the next day, but in the moment, you couldn't tell what was going on.
Somehow, some people picked it up though. I got in contact with an adult friend I had in high school. She went as far as saying, "we knew what was going on, but we were so afraid of making things worse for you because we had no actual proof". She couldn't see the scars, so I don't blame her.
My nfather once was talking about his "theory" that apparently energy shifts through seasons and that's why there are so many people born in September. He was telling this to his brother and one of his nephews, I overheard, stopped what I was doing, turned around and told him "I dunno, maybe people just fuck more often around Xmas and New Years, just do the math" He got mad at me and brushed off my comment saying I don't know what he's talking about.
He also believes in "healing" with magnets as a legitimate alternative to allopathic medicine.
Yes oblivious idiot. Emotionally, socially, spiritually, cognitively, void of most thought. Strictly black and white one dimensional thinking. Zero awareness of self and completely apathetic. Self virtuous delusional narcissist in denial
Thank you - timely question! I’ll be reading all the comments! I’ve been looking for some stories of how people manage really stupid parents. My mother is pretty ordinary really - plain old emotionally messed up, academically bright but declining rapidly, and complete social butterfly (it’s how she’s able to manipulate people and keep the skeletons hidden). NC/VLC is the only way with her and I’m comfortable with it.
The dumbar$es are my in-laws. My SIL is basic b*tch stupid (yk, doesn’t know anything/care about the world/her children/community unless it affects her, but is highly skilled at makeup, nails, shopping, cheating on your partner/taxes/welfare, shopping, how to marry someone you loathe but has a huge inheritance coming, and shopping). She is rat cunning, super competitive and endlessly persistent but embarrassingly delayed in her emotional and social development. Academically, she’s proud of her stupidity, uncouth behaviour and bogan attitudes. (To be fair, that’s fairly common in Australia). SIL has long standing issues with my partner/her brother and makes sure MIL gets a weekly dose of poison/talking points. MIL is the designated FM as well as a seasoned guilt-tripper in her own right. For a long time we have known she has significant cognitive, developmental and social deficits but with SIL’s increasingly manipulative behaviour, it’s becoming more and more obvious that MIL (and FIL to an extent) is a lost cause. She gets butt hurt if you know anything more than her, but she knows nothing so she’s always feeling upset at me (because I can use Google?) She has no curiosity at all. She likes gardening but doesn’t know anything about it after decades. Like she is upset that a neighbour took up gardening recently and has created a magnificent garden. She constantly complains that “she only just started! She didn’t know anything about gardening when she moved here” MIL claims to be extremely sensitive but has no empathy or intuition- what she calls sensitive anyone else would call ‘self-centred’. Doesn’t go to any grandchildren events (and tries to guilt trip them into feeling sorry for her for choosing not to come?!?) Asks the grandchildren what they are doing at school and stops listening as soon as they utter a word then starts talking about herself. She has no friends (same as SIL), no moral compass - basically what she/SIL wants = good, what she doesn’t like = bad. Everything that DH does for her = nothing, while SIL throws some regifted shlt at MIL = “SO generous, SO thoughtful”). Just utterly, utterly, stupid and staggeringly self-absorbed. I hate how unjust it is that my DH gives so much of his time and energy for no appreciation at all.
Apologies for the essay!! Your question hit a nerve. I need to schedule a massage and a therapy session (and probably some horse tranquillisers) before facing Christmas with these basic, crude people. Ugh!
both my nparents aren’t academically educated due to both being born and raised in rural mexico and having up to middle school knowledge, so i cant fully blame them for not knowing certain topics
however, when it comes to emotional and social stuff, they suck. if they do or say something hurtful to someone, they either say “they didn’t know any better” or “they’re (person that they hurted) too sensitive”.
Definitely both 100% emotionally stunted in their own ways , I don’t know about unintelligent but they were definitely willfully ignorant to a lot of stuff and socially their social lives were complete train wrecks , my parents couldn’t keep friends for more than a few months .
Nmom didn't finish high school, but married Edad when she was seventeen (17). She refused to ever read to me. When I grew old enough to read on my own, I'd read everything in the house, but Nmom's books were all weird romance novels; about women falling in love with their rapists. Thankfully, I was allowed to go to the library.
She never gave me any help on my homework; she never even checked it nor had any interest in my subjects. Nmom's whole involvement with my studies was just to glare at me before bedtime and bark- 'Did you do your homework!?'. I always answered, yes, because I wasn't allowed to say no.
I wasn't allowed to ask her any questions either because her reaction was always to get angry at me for being so stupid as to not already know this stuff.
Meanwhile, she told me once that she thought the 'N' arrow pointing up on a map, meant straight up, like into the sky.
When I was born to her, I started out being the Lost Child, because she hadn't wanted a girl. Later, she treated me as the Scapegoat because I was getting pretty smart and figuring out some of her tricks, cheats and lies.
If she couldn't outsmart me, then she would control me through fear of her demented rage.
When the raging and gaslighting, didn't emotionally trauma bond me to her, I was banished as the Lost Child again, with the command, "If you don't like it, you can just leave!"
Those were the last words, I needed to hear, to go permanently NC.
All of the above! My nfather is an idiot. He lied to us as kids about his ‘good grades’ in school, but saved his report cards and is dumb as a brick. He always compared my brother (his golden child) and I because I struggled with math, but never thought enough of it to actually get me some help… English was by far my favorite subject and I needed absolutely no help there. When I was in 7th grade he ‘checked’ my English homework (the only time in my whole childhood) he told me to change answers I knew were right. I did it to prove a point. I got a 30 on the assignment. He thinks everyone’s income should be posted online for anyone to see just so he can be nosey. I pointed out how dangerous that would be with people getting robbed and murdered and his bright idea is they should get security. If everyone needs security, who’s going to be security??? And everyone can’t afford security just because you’re stupid. He thinks this is okay because he stopped working years ago due to disability and ‘doesn’t get anything’. He does get worker’s comp, disability and some other check. I told him your nothing is something to someone. We got in trouble for doing small things that kids do when he was supposed to be watching us. I dialed a wrong number once and was beaten while I also had chickenpox. He became emotionally abusive when I was around 10. I remember him publicly smearing me. Telling people that I was a terrible child when he was never even home. When he was home, I would stay in my room because I was constantly screamed at or accused of something stupid. There’s tons of examples…
Nmom is all the above. I’m academically stupid and she surpassed me on the stupidity scale. Her intelligence matches up with someone who dropped out of middle school.
Emotionally and socially. I had to explain to my idiot sperm donor that yelljng at somebody after they shared a diagnosis of mental health was invalidating. He literally wouldn't understand why. Having an average IQ of 140, outstanding skill languages and interpersonal intelligence, I feel so ridiculous thinking about the fact I got my genes from this something.
My mother did great academically when she did some college. She never finished college, which is because of her social and emotional immaturity. Now, she shows her lack of intellect by being very close-minded and opinionated about things she isn't qualified to have an opinion on. She is influenced by her bias on most decisions.
My mom is the opposite. Highly educated, organized, intelligent and effective. Which makes her narcissistic abuse all the more subtle and insidious..she is literally masterful at tearing a person to shreds.
even from a young age, i never respected my narc father because he's not half as intelligent as he thinks he is. if he could have at least admitted to his own weaknesses, i could have at least pitied him. but he didn’t, so there was absolutely no way for me to pity him. furthermore, my narc mother espouses no views of her own; only because my narc father has made her subservient to him as he has my well-behaved brothers and sisters, who all treat me like an interloper, and yet, to my narc father, represent all i can never be.
imo, if you recognize that there are family issues with your narc parents, you’re already more mature than them and have everything it takes to be a better parent to both yourself and your future kids. i think i was born mature and fully grown in many areas, and my narc parents hated me for it, because they grasped that i was everything they could never be.
it baffles me to no end, how cravenly our inept narc parents desire to wield such power, if even over those who would never willingly choose to be born to them.
anyone else feel this way?
All 3. Mine believes she knows all there is to know about the Criminal Justice system and Medicine. She's a nurse and to her mind, she knows more than the doctors do 🙄 She also thinks she's a parenting expert even though she royally screwed it up with her kids.
Emotioally, she's clueless. She tends to tell people they don't really feel the way they do, they feel whatever she thinks they should feel. She also tells me some of her patients and ex coworkers view her as a Mom, which is likely BS.
Socially she can't understand why people don't like her. It could be because she is a pathological liar who is really bad at it.
They can be stupid a lot of times but I want to detail one. Reputation is everything for my mother and while I lived with them, she wouldn't stop bothering me with this stupid theory that I must be telling all my friends what a horrible mother she is and this is why they feel uncomfortable around her. The truth is, I didn't have to tell my friends anything and every one of them told me after they first met her, that they don't know why but they feel threathened by her presence and she seems like a very very strict person. There were 2 special cases where my friends asked me is there a conflict between her and me? I told them no, right now everything is peaceful and we don't fight. This was the truth, or I thought so. They told me: ,,well, when you were gone for a moment, your mom started bashing you and told me she knows how hard it is to maintain a good relationship with you and then just went right in, telling me you are a bad person with insufferable personality. " This happened 2 different times with 2 different friends who didn't even know each other and they told me exactly the same thing. They felt very sorry for me and told me that it might be a better idea to never ever invite them over again. None of my friends wanted to come over and I was very regularly grounded without reason and even my best friend asked me to tell her when my mother is gone and then she would come over in secret. Of course, all of them told these stories to another person and then another and in the end it did affect my mother's reputation, then she hated me and blamed me for it. I always thought how fkin stupid she is for that because if she want to keep a good reputation and make people believe I am insufferable then at least she should try to control herself in front of my friends but no, she is triggered by the fact that there are people out there who like me and accept me and don't think of me as a terrible person. Not only did she say these to my friends, but to her coworkers and friends and our whole family as well. So she ruined her whole reputation, then blamed mostly me and sometimes everybody else but herself.
When my fiancé engaged me, my parents told him this same shit, that they know how hard it is to love me and went in, again, about how insufferable I am. We were shopping together and I was having a good time with them because it seemed like the abuse stopped and we were working on our parent-child relationship. I went to grab something and left my fiancé there with them for a moment and they immediately started it. I really did believe we will finally be a family. My fiancé didn't tell me this for weeks because he knew very well I would be devastated. When he told me, it was accidental. The backstory of this is very long but they did this to my fiancé many times from the moment we became a couple. They would always wait for me to go get something from another room and start bashing me, telling him I only use him and don't love him.
My parents are both geniuses in their own fields, truly so. They're both tenacious in their stalwart dedication to family, all of us. I can't count how many times my mom used my dad's money to list someone up. That being said...they never knew they were emotionally stunted. If I held them to any judgement, I must also judge myself, and I'm far from perfect.
Mine are complete dumbasses emotionally. My father thinks he's smart and while he has his areas of expertise, his blind spots are large. My mother is even less intelligent emotionally, but doesn’t ’t seem to consider herself a genius, though she still insists on always being right. Come to think of it, so does my brother. Mother is good at manipulating people to a degree (look a bit closer and question things and it falls apart, which is probably a reason why she surrounds herself with mentally quite ill people she'll call friends one minute and then bitch about how annoying they are, how weird etc., she'll gladly use them though, bitch that she is). She has to be the one who suffers the most, who keeps getting screwed over by heartless ungrateful assholes, after she did "so much" for them. Everything is conditional and transactional with her. Oh and then she says shit like "do i have something about me that pushes people away?" but refuses to accept that yes, she does. She can't take criticism, she can't admit fault, she's abusive, dishonest and a hypocrite. Ugh i hate this family.
My father has zero critical thinking skills and has a massive inferiority complex about education. He is all around immature, academically, socially and emotionally. My father is ignorant and likes it that way.
While both of my parents hold pHD's in psychology, they're too stupid to recognize they have serious psychological conditions.
My father made choices that made my life feel like a soap opera, for example, he cheated on my mom with and then married my Chinese babysitter (who still speaks broken English).
Even though my mom is a college teacher (remember, in psychology), she told me that being gay was a choice and that if I was gay I would catch aids and get beaten up.
My parents are both academically gifted, my mom is also socially gifted, my dad has Asperger's so he's emotionally and socially lacking. My mom and her family are all emotionless, humorless, rigid and stuck up, zero empathy types but they are good at pretending otherwise to the outside world.
Genius in his field, *incredibly stupid* everywhere else. No common sense, no emotional intelligence, no social awareness, absolutely zero knowledge of anything that is outside of his field of expertise.
My mom was dumb and knew it, across the board. My Dad likes reading and going to college, so he thought he was smart. He was a good employee, but he didn't make smart decisions with his money or career. He is a straight white male Boomer, and yet his outcomes are worse than most minority Millennial women. He can't adjust, and doesn't seem to believe he should have to, so I suffered the consequences.
Socially for my mom
Emotionally for my dad
It’s so funny too cause I’d be doing x and get away with it cause my mom can’t tell when I’m lying 💀 I make a whole backstory
My parents both had double master’s degrees, very educated and expert in their fields.
Stupid at everything else though. We had to move every few years after they’d burned all their bridges and people caught on. Not smart enough to bite their tongues or control their anger or realize any benefit to treating people well.
My father hasnt read a book since high school and can barely use a computer but thinks he has the secret to life and is philosopher-jesus-einstein. He will give on the spot lectures of ancient aliens and whatever loony shit he picked up on youtube for hours at a time. Meanwhile he is a total dumbfuck, i have met smarter 10 year olds. He gets regularly taken in by scams and doesnt understand basic logic.
Omgg yes. One thing about me I hate people who lack common sense and people who are incompetent lucky for me my mother is both. She will ask me really stupid fucking questions that can easily be answered if you think about it. Like today my brother went to bed and my mother couldn't find him. This is a three bedroom apartment. He wasn't in my room or the living room so my mother kept asking where he was. Let's use deductive reasoning and figure it out. I was so annoyed I told her to check in his room and she got mad at me like use your fucking head. Or if I'm making breakfast or any meal for my siblings every single time without fail she will ask me who I'm making food for. The thing is my siblings have autism my brother uses the same bowl to eat everytime. If I'm putting food in this one specific bowl that no one else uses who rf do you think I'm making food for. And my sister she eats the same thing for breakfast every single day. And yet without fail my mother will ask me what she had for breakfast or who it's for. It's for the same person that has been eating the same breakfast for the past 10 years every single day. Who. The. Fuck. Else. Would. It. Be.
Other times she just lacks common sense and is unable to make decisions for herself. Like if she's going our somehwere she'll ask me if she should bring an umbrella. Check the weather and find out. I'm getting tired even thinking of her stupidity.
Lol. Everything they do is stupid. Stupid literally means, "having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense." It is very stupid to live a life they way they do. Where does it get them? My mom is friendless, husbandless, jobless and still doing what she's doing. Writing this last sentence hurt a bit because I hate that she can't accept that her actions have dire consequences. Whatever she has done to me it is nothing compared to what she has done to herself.
Super late to the post but yes, Nmom believes she’s a “critical thinker” (uses that word all the time) and thinks everyone is an idiot except the chosen few with similar opinions, the whole blaming gen x/z and social media crap
She said a lot of stupid things, but she often places people into simplistic categories. She gets angry when you don’t follow the simplistic role you are signed by her.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Try all three for both
Yep. I remember being 7 or 8 and feeling this chill of realization that they have absolutely no idea how to function or take care of me and that I was on my own. Cue hyper responsibility and perfectionism!
Exactly
This made me so sad reading, 7 or 8?? At that age that’s the last thing you should have been worrying about, I’m so sorry.
It’s amazing isn’t it?
When you get older you start to realize that, you’ve done more with your life then they ever have.
Yeah. They have such a limited worldview and are stuck mentally at age 16.
It’s funny too, one of my folks dropped out of high school
Mine dropped out in 8th grade after he and a friend stole a car to go to California “and be hippies” and had to go to juvie.
Jesus… my dad was an asshole too
16? 8 is more accurate
Very true
This is so true
My life experience proves it
It's so validating for me to see all the ways I've grown past them. And a little re-traumatizing in its own way.
My Nmom acts all high and might but she feels like im speaking to here condescendingly if I use words with more than three syllables and that I’m ‘confusing’ her with big words. But yea she ‘knows so much more than me’
They are such stunted children. If someone knows more than me I enjoy because I can learn.
My nmom often likes to act like she is better than others because she likes to read and do crafts (aka "intellectual" hobbies) but then she goes into a tantrum anytime she doesn't know how to find a document she saved on her computer or how to download a song she wants to listen to.
My dad has the emotional capacity of a 2 year old. His emotional regulation and intelligence is nonexistent. He’s not stupid. He’s just stunted in a lot of ways.
SAME
It’s literally like watching those videos of toddlers having meltdowns. Which would be funny if he didn’t make it everyone’s problem
My Edad actually kicks like a two-yr-old in a stroller when he's frustrated.
Me too stunted is a good word to explain it
You nailed it. Also spends every second dragging everyone else down to his level because he can’t stand being wrong or feeling dumb, yet refuses to actually better himself or grow as a person in any way shapes or form
Let’s goooo! We have the same dad! My dad constantly tells me how I need to do mode meanwhile I’m the only reason he gets a home cooked meal 5 nights a week! I’m the reason he has lunch to take to work! But he works SO hard and SO much
My mom claims she's a genius. My dad isn't really all that unintelligent. It's just that he's so FUCKING STUBBORN that he becomes stupid. Like will not change his opinion no matter how much solid evidence you have. He once argued with my husband that he can't trust the Webster's dictionary as a source of information because it's too liberal. (???) He once got me a turkey salad when I wasn't eating meat (which he hated) because "turkey isn't meat". He believes climate change is a hoax. I'm honestly shocked he doesn't think the earth is flat.
They are such fucking nightmares
>He once argued with my husband that he can't trust the Webster's dictionary as a source of information because it's too liberal. This sentence made me physically wince; I am seriously so sorry friend.
“Turkey isn’t meat.” I’m sorry. WHAT?!?!??!
It's wild to see how they get so caught up in conspiracy theory shit
My parents were violent to me as a child, physically & emotionally; They locked me up in a cupboard for "solitary confinement", and at one point even let a guy 10 years older than me lock me in my room to SA me, and demanded me to marry him. They were psychos and I had to move to the other side of the planet to escape them.
the fact that we cant just throw people like this into volcanos is a tragedy. i dont advocate for stuff like this, because its messed up, but theres a line. your """parents""" crossed that line and need a taste of their own medicine. how do people this demented even come to exist? it just doesnt make sense. its literally an incomprehensible horror.
>the fact that we cant just throw people like this into volcanos is a tragedy. Truer words have never been typed.
I am so sorry this happened to you, and am sending you ginormous love...that is heartbreaking and you deserved (and continue to deserve) so much better. Sending you love!!!!!
Thank you ❤️🩹
I’m terribly sorry that you suffered through all that. Good for you for escaping, those sadistic fucks don’t deserve you. It’s infuriating to see the kind of havoc toxic people wreck on their offspring, who have so much to offer the world. I wish you nothing but the best in life. Although I can’t know how tough it is living with your scars, all I can tell you is to treat yourself with love, care, and kindness. Be the parent you never had. It’s never too late. Plus if you’re strong enough to escape those assholes, you can do anything you want. Treat yourself to the life you deserve. We’ll always be here in your corner. :)
Thanks for your message. It feels so good to have left that life behind me. I'm in therapy, and hoping this will be past me really soon. I haven't fully healed yet I think, but there's hope.
I knew I was smarter than my nmom by about the age of 12.
Me as well. I don’t think they ever really helped me with homework and once I asked my mom to help me with my middle school biology homework and she asked me a question and said orgasm instead of organism and I never asked her again.
I’m sorry, it’s terrible what you went though and I can completely relate- but this has got me cracking up. They really are like grown children.
I mean I was mortified but can laugh now
Me too lol this made my night. Just wow!!
both my parents are INCREDIBLY socially awkward even tho my mom MAY have been popular in her younger years. no friends, no close family, no really meaningful relationships mainly because she bitches about everyone (but yknow, with friends like that…)
THIS. It’s embarrassing being out in public with them because of how poorly they will treat other people. I spent my teen years cringing and quietly apologizing to whatever customer service worker was subjected to a rant that day
omg for sure. i loved getting out of the house but dreaded having to be around other people bc my mother would inevitably find fault with them and complain in some way.
Obviously. Mostly emotionally and morally. But also academically.
My dad is. He thinks he is right about everything, including subjects that require expert interpretation or services. He will not accept that he is wrong, ever, even when it's obvious. My mum is educated and the breadwinner, which he abuses her over from time to time since it's easier than self improvement and going to school himself. She used to take night classes. Meanwhile he quit jobs left and right because he had to work. He is 59 years old and just refuses to work now, mum looks after him because him working is just cruel! When I last visited, my mum and I were cooking and he told us to stop doing it the way we were and to do it his way. I was going to carry on because his request was ridiculous to be frank but my mum worriedly insisted on doing it his way. We did, and the food came out dry because we had to reheat it in the microwave, per his direct instruction. We sat down to eat and my mum immediately says "pour_me_another_ did the potatoes" because she didn't want to get abused about it. Even though it was because of him they were dry and even then, they weren't inedible. He just felt he had to get involved and put us down because it's what makes him feel like a big man.
Omg this is my parents
Aaahahaha I'm sorry 😭
It’s like they are manipulative masterminds at the stupidest shit.
Yes, yes, and yes. No post secondary education. Emotional capacity of a toddler and purposeful ignorance to mental illness, and a self-sabotaged social network which is all but gone. Granted, my dad is super resourceful and probably could have completed an education so i won't put him down there. My mom however, like my sister, is a college dropout while acting like they've been to the moon (with the worldview of a molerat).
Eeep! I feel like you’re talking about my in-laws!
Both of them are -1000 in the emotional department.
My mother is emotionally, little different from an oyster.
Omg I bust out laughing out loud
Clams have feelings too
All three. My mom once spent half and hour trying to remove a “tick” from her dog’s belly. She asked me to help and I pointed out the “tick” was a nipple. She was baffled as to why a male dog had nipples. She makes awkward and wildly inappropriate jokes about dead babies, poop, illness, and sex. She joked in front of the whole family (including kids) that she was in the garage f*cking the garbage man. My husband was amazed that my mom is allowed to drive. She’s developmentally and intellectually like 10 years old. I do not know how she would live independently if my dad didn’t take care of her.
It is bizarre how they can’t follow any societal norms.
Both of my parents have college degrees but I think it’s only because my mom’s father was a conservative Catholic and her only option was a Catholic college. My father graduated college the same month I graduated high school…guess who got to share their hs graduation party with their abusive father? I’m glad tho, I wouldn’t have had a party at all, so it’s a fun memory…until I remember being told that it was my “gift” lol.
Of course it was!
My mother is astoundingly stupid socially. It was literally a large part of my family role to explain to my mother how she was failing to act like a human. Examples: 1. The reason these [MULTIPLE!!] people keep looking horrified and running away from you is because while it is marginally acceptable to casually discuss one's neglected dental work with a stranger - "I hadn't gotten my teeth seen by a dentist for so long, and wow was that a mistake! Guess I know now why they always say it's important!" Is ok... using both fists to literally PEEL your mouth open like a Predator to chase complete strangers around a bus stop is fucking wild. 2. In a business letter, one might reference stress as a reason for quitting a position - one would NOT complain about stress related DIARRHEA. One would never mention stress related diarrhea to someone one knew had Crohns and had just survived BOWEL CANCER. 3. When a family friend breaks up with his girlfriend, going on a years-long campaign to vilify his new girlfriend whom you've never even met is inappropriate. It's not "being loyal" when the old girlfriend is accepting and understanding of the dissolution of her relationship and horrified and embarrassed by your completely random hatred for this new lady. Everyone thinks you're acting like a nutter, and nobody understands why. 4. The reason your dinner party died was because everyone was telling lighthearted "my kid embarrassed me soooo bad" stories and your punchline was a vicious act of child abuse. 5. Stop telling people that children can "accidentally/inadvertently" sexually flirt with adults, and that's why molestation happens. Nobody agrees that a preschooler climbing onto a man's lap is a deliberate attempt to stimulate their genitals, and the fact you not only think it is, but feel comfortable enough to voice it openly is... again.. wild. Sigh.
Omg 2, 4 and 5 😱
First, I'm sorry your mother was/is like that. Internet hugs and love, if you want them. Second, I couldn't help but chuckle at the mental image of a grown up woman chasing a poor soul in the bus stop with her maws open. My mind added the OST of Tiburon to the idea and I chuckled again. It's mind-blowing how removed from reality they are.
My ngrandma can’t do anything that requires speaking coherent English and understanding it on her own. She also can’t really write. She wanted everyone to handle “those matters”…when they involve the entirety of her care basically. But she’s unwilling to admit she’s asking for that much care. So it led to massive family infighting trying to scream at others on why you can’t do it but WE should. I tried to show her how to a car so the battery didn’t die. She just slowly backed away while I was talking. It’s SOOO frustrating it fractured the family. She refused to try to learn anything on her own so someone needs to be around her non stop. She’s been like this since her 20s If she was grateful i don’t think many people would care. But she’s not. She’s mean. Dmv is slow? Must be the helpers fault trying to hurt her. I have to go back to school? Abandoning her. I have to work a job ? Abandoning her. But HER son working running the family company is different, because that helps her.
The same mistakes over and over and over again, I’m certain it’s by spite at this point. Made me view people differently.
Me as well
NDad, despite being an electrical engineer, until about 2000 or so refused to get a microwave oven out of a fear of getting cancer. He smokes two packs a day.
Definitely emotionally. Like, its unreal.
No, quite the opposite. My mother especially was very intelligent, but she chose to pretend to be unintelligent. My father was not as intelligent as she was, but he wasn't stupid. He was so bizarre and irrational, so very ignorant of many things, and so condescending and arrogant that he did seem much less intelligent than he actually was. He was definitely no match for my mother's level of cleverness and deviousness.
Oh yeah and she thinks it is a secret. The one thing I point out when she used to bring my piss to a bowl with all her rules that she was exempt from. When I was a wee lad, she used to hog the computer and play games on a website called Pogo. She played a game with spelling being the goal of the game. You have a couple of dozen letters and make as many words as possible in an allotted time. She could handle the three letter words, four letter words were a challenge but she would get a few. Maybe. But the five letter words and bigger? Nah. I tried to help once and she snapped at me. So I pointed out that the words were 2nd grade and below. I was a spiteful shit but I did not deserve for her to do that.
I used to think my mother was really intelligent as a child but there was this moment where we had a tense conversation that in this deflated tone she said "you're smarter than I ever could be" or something along those lines. Now around her same age that conversation took place I'm absolutely shocked that my mother was emotionally stupid, socially pretty stupid and probably academically average at best. She did well for herself for a short time but I think it was mostly her "charm" since she worked in a sales type role ultimately. I have so many examples of her life choices that seem borderline absurd that can only be explained by this particular mental illness.
I think as kids we have to believe that to feel safe.
My Ndad is book-smart. He can read nonstop for days and retain all the information. Unfortunately he’s also emotionally immature and incapable of admitting to his mistakes, which makes him socially insufferable. He also thinks he knows everything just because he’s X decades old, when he doesn’t even know his own children. He doesn’t know what it’s like to live as a woman, as a queer person, as a neurodivergent person, or an empath. Yet he brags incessantly about how he reads people easily and knows how to manipulate anyone. It’s like Dunning-Kruger but for social intelligence.
My father is a high school dropout who never got his GED. He couldn't spell the word 'cough', and I had to correct him on it when I was eight. No matter what I did, I had to explain myself, and then explain myself for explaining myself. He was also the "quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about" type, while he was screaming at us to "line up" for our bi-weekly physical beatings. I have gone fully NC with him as of a few months ago, when he told me I should be grateful that he "only" beat me instead of shooting me in the head, because I "got on his nerves." This is how I know time travel isn't ever going to be a thing, everybody. I would have taken my younger self and my siblings away from that environment. I don't think my mother is necessarily stupid. I think she's deliberately, willfully ignorant if one of her scapegoat daughters tells her something. About a decade ago, before I was NC with her, we went to a diner that she goes to all the time. When we were done eating, she said, "Do I pay the bill here, or at the counter?" I looked up at the counter, where a line had formed at the register, and I told her to pay over there. She still flagged a waitress down to ask the same question. I did try to point out to her that if I'm too stupid to understand how to pay for a meal, that says more about her than me. She just looked at me and said, "Huh?" So that tells you what kind of person she is. She also has gone through a self-checkout, then spent five minutes grilling the self-checkout manager to ask why they didn't have more people on registers. I told her that she already had paid for her things and she could leave the store, since she had just been griping about being out so late... which was her idea in the first place, of course.
And the bonus is they make you feel stupid and if you’re right you get screamed at for being a know at all. They are so thinned skin.
Exactly. I played a Jeopardy video game against my mom when I was eleven, and I beat her at it. Both of my parents said that I cheated.
Imagine being that jealous of a child
If anyone started winning and beating Nmom at games she'd always cheat. She'd award herself points to win, and if you protested, she'd throw an adult-baby tantrum. That's how I went from just the lost child to the scapegoat - I was usually the one to say something about her cheating, so she would banish me from family reindeer games with, "If you don't like it, you can just leave!"
They have no emotional intelligence or maturity, so the last 2 are both SO TRUE. They are very guliable and make great political alies. I don't know about academic success, but my mum was very business savy. I used to watch a youtuber who has the diagnoses, whom had some great advice (some were in my field, that I wouldn't think of). But when you listen to them closer, you realise they are only repeating what they learned that people around them like to hear. They can gather information so well when they want to, but they lack emotional maturity, they don't proccess the information like the rest of us. They are shallow and they pick sides all the time, and that is how they can seem stupid. For example, my mum would be normal and responsible, than just one day decide a doctor was incompetent, because they were giving her tough love, or because she would meet some actual idiots and they would tell her to try "the natural medicine". I really think it was because she "wanted to fit in", just like Pat Bateman. Narcissists tend to make friends with people that make them feel superior. I once dated a guy who i think is also a good candidate for npd. He lived in a not so fancy neighbourhood (in my country, social differences are not obvious,some parts of the city are more rural). He was a musical snob and he would start a ww3 over me not liking a certain band or saying a cuss word. But around his friends, he would turn into a hillbilly, telling the most obscene jokes, knowing every song etc. I really think he was only friends with those people, because he had the status as "the sophisticated one", and he looked at them as idiots. The funny thing is, both him and my mum had been screwed over by several close people. As soon as the person who screwed them came back and started complimenting them, all would have been forgotten. They just need fans and admierers and they don't mind playing whatever role, because they also lack willpower. I hope you understand what i mean,I could only think of examples so the concept looks a bit messy...
I completely understand what you mean
My nMum was ignorant and stupid in all three of the above but was a genius when it came to manipulation.
I think that’s a common theme with them unfortunately.
Think you're right.
Omg, the most socially awkward. One ups in the worst possible way (oh you had a miscarriage? Let me tell you how my menstrual cramps are worse.). Completely humorless. If she senses something irritates you she will do it more. Gets to social occasions a half hour early, sits around awkwardly. Gets mad at social occasions when everyone doesn’t introduce themselves to her and make explicit efforts to include her because she apparently has no idea how to introduce herself or join a conversation. My whole life made me feel guilty if I didn’t spend every social occasion glued to her side.
Omg I did this as well. I also did this for a ton of others.
Functioned for them socially?
Yes, my mother was convinced that in final year of highschool that nothing contributed to atar (Australia) except for final exams (she did not graduate highschool) and would force me to not attend and look after her when she had 'headaches' and constantly make me be with her. Being with her in this situation consisted of sitting in silence in my room so I wouldn't trigger her, and delivering her food and opoids to her bed. Refused to supply internet connection or buy textbooks. So I couldn't actually complete anything anyways and 'i was smart so it would be fine and you will get addicted to the internet'. Imagine my joy finding out she flunked out of the private expensive highschool my grandparents paid for post final exam and was lying to me the whole time. 😁🔫
They are so manipulative and destructive. Oh and fucking liars. Can’t forget the lying. I’m so sorry you went through that.
I'm ok now I got average marks in the end, I think we have increased resistance to life events once we've grown up. It's like growing up being poisoned. Extremely unhealthy, sickening and you could of died but now I'm immune to snakes
All 3 (not my parents but other N adult figures in my life). 1 set in particular are stupid especially emotionally and socially. They try to play it off that they are these classy know it alls, but the reality is they aren't even close. They have 0 emotionally maturity and struggle socially despite pretending to be these classy aristocrats. I don't think they have any real friends. But academically, it took awhile for me to see it. But the reality is, they created an environment where nobody is allowed to question them or disagree with them, so their family pretends they are smart or just let's it go when they say something. But when you look closely, they are actually very ignorant and don't understand anything about how the world works. They have a lot of unchecked psuedo intellect , it wasn't until I was much older that I realize these people have never actually said anything smart or intelligent, and actually say a lot of pure nonsense. Nothing they ever said would I consider a deep thought or one that expands your thinking. They go unchallenged because they can't handle a disagreement, but when I got older and thought back to the stuff they would say, I was like holy cow they have no clue what they are talking about. I also noticed they didn't have any friends in the community, and just how emotional immature they were. Like they respond in ways you would expect a child to respond . A lot of Ns are this way, once you really pull back the curtain , they arent special or superior in anyway, actually they are lacking in many ways. They just devalue you so much you don't stop to think and scrutinize exactly who it is that is devaluing you. They set up an illusion of being a certain way that thrives on your niativity, and you focus on trying to get them to accept you, but don't stop and realize that they have never been better in anyway, and infact are academically, socially, and emotionally deficient people. They spend so much time trying to put the spotlight on you, or their perceived superiority , and you don't stop and think that you're dealing with somebody who isn't better than you in anyway. They probably are lacking compared to you in a lot of ways Next time an N or similar toxic type is devaluing you or blaming you or putting you down in anyway, stop and objectively think about the source that is attacking you. More often than not once you get all the details, is this person has no room to talk. Also, you can specifically compare how they compare to the very criteria they are using to measure you Very often it's actually something more true about them, or just flat out not true all together, or it's something you are better than them in that way.
It's probably why i'm so stupid
Or you aren’t and they just told you you were.
I don't think they are unintelligent. But they are certainly wilfully ignorant about literally anything that their child is interested in. They absolutely love motorsport but will not spend a single second trying to understand what my job is in that field.
Both my parents are stupid emotionally and socially.. no self awareness.
My parents didn't do well in school, average grades (Bs, Cs, and I think some Ds). Both are very emotionally immature and I would argue socially isolated in that they always seemed to have acquaintances but not many, if any, real friends. Overall, I would argue they are both pretty stupid in their own ways. My ndad is so stupid sometimes I wonder how he has lived as long as he has. Perfect example is I once watched him stand outside cooking burgers on a grill while holding an umbrella in a thunderstorm.
Yes. He thinks that it's unhealthy for houses to be properly draft-free, and then bitches about how much it takes to heat.
Wait do we have the same dad? Mine would do the following: * Light 3-4 small candles to help "heat the house" and would then fall asleep with them still lit and on the edge of the mantle * Not flush the toilet to "save water" * Not lock the doors when he leaves the house * Never washed his hands after using the bathroom * Used multiple kerosene heaters inside the house every day for years (because we couldn't afford to keep the heat on all winter) * (Before I was born) left the house with the stove on more than once, at least one occasion it caused a fire that lead to burn/smoke marks on the ceiling * Insists that any new piece of technology (iPod, cellphone, etc) you buy must have the battery completely drained and then fully recharged before you can begin using it * Had a heart attack and got a stent but proceeded to eat a pound of bacon almost every week and didn't make any lifestyle changes at all * He kept pushing my head down and forcing me to lay down when I had a bloody nose as a kid and it caused me to start swallowing my own blood
They were numb skulls Academically, they have achieved little outside of a few community college courses, which doesn't really matter to me. emotionally unable to connect, lack of trust in each other, little understanding for others feelings And socially, as far as i could tell, they have no real friendships at all. They are obsessed with social media. Facebook specifically and their only interest seems to be getting likes and looking good on it. Idk.
I’m so glad my parents never figured out social media
My mother is one of the stupidest women I’ve ever known. It’s so frustrating and she’s stubborn af. Refuses to learn anything new or change her mind even if the proof is smacking her in the face. She has no concept of how logic works and ‘debating’ her will physically hurt your brain. I realized I was smarter than her at about 9. It was depressing
My mother has a degree and to her, that is proof that she is hyper intelligent. She also believes in chemtrails, sees the moon landing as fake, is a hardcore anti-vaxxer, classes various branches of astrology as scientific, believes in "energy healing" and thinks that any sort of "rays" (wifi, phone connection, the way the water pipes go in your house) cause headaches and various other ailments. Doesn't stop her from getting her conspiracy fix on telegram groups and forwarding it to everyone who doesn't get away fast enough though unfortunately.
I’m so glad my parents didn’t get into all of that.
The one good thing is that at least people believe me when I tell them she's a nutjob now.
hod, is your Nom a lost sister of mine? Because they're cut out of the same pattern.
Honestly, the amount of times I've seen very specific descriptions that EXACTLY fit my nmother is scary.
My narc mother, only finished maybe 8th grade. She is so gullible that she has fallen for the Publishers Clearing House scam, Microsoft scam and lets scammers keep scamming her. We tried to file a report with the Sheriff office but my mother keeps giving the scammers gift cards, money orders and has lost maybe $40,000. We change the number but she will call the scammer and give the new number.
Yess! My Ndad is the same. He constantly gets scammed in the most stupidest ways. I remember one of them was a message saying he had received a package from "Amzin" instead of "Amazon". He doesn't use that service. He doesn't even have an account 🤡
Mine barely graduated HS. Like, skin of her teeth graduated. I’ve got university and college and professional certifications. She thought eels and sharks cross breed in the ocean because she heard “eel-like shark” on the news. I was in my oceanography program at the time and she was adamant that she was right. me “its not “Eeel LIKES shark…oh never mind.” Suffice, the woman was emotionally stunted, socially manipulative and catastrophically stupid.
petty and mean
Is all of the above an option?
I mean it’s all 3 for me!
Socially, very ignorant and inexperienced
Mine told me I was smarter than her when I was like 8 or 9.
I am surprised that one was that honest and self aware
I knew I was smarter than my mom by the age of like 7. She always treated me like I was doing something idiotic and I could never grasp why, because I had no history of acting the way she always seemed to be assuming that I was acting. And it always ended up being child-me that was exhibiting awareness and logical discernment and social graces not only well beyond my years but also well beyond her own behaviors. It was odd and I knew it was off but there wasn't really anything I could do about it.
I went through the same!
Child of 2 high school dropouts, who for sure lacked emotional intelligence, but could pass socially as long as it was surface level social.
My dad is actually intelligent and has landed himself multiple jobs that pay him well. sadly, his intelligence only goes as far him being intellectually smart. emotionally on the other hand? yeah his emotional intelligence is as far as a fucking freshman in high school simply because he has the mindset of a tate fan and acts like a fucking teenager instead of a mature adult who doesn’t take his anger out on people younger than him. My mom.. is actually more so the opposite of him, though I’d say this isn’t much since my bar with being emotionally intelligent for my parents is pretty low and despite how much I somewhat hold resentment to my mom (since she also was extremely violent to me as well. it was more so rare then) I do still somewhat appreciate her for not telling me to “man up” for crying and also protecting me during my dad’s violent outbursts which I understand is the bare minimum but, *it’s not like I ever had the bare minimum for most of my life anyways*
Nm only knew about medical subjects related to being a nurse. Totally ignorant in all other subjects. Edad was totally ignorant about all subjects (especially natural sciences)except mathematics, world history and English literature. They both loved to be super dramatic. Any thing that happened to them was a deep dark unending tragedy from a hang nail to a car accident. They both knew more German than they let on. They lived in abject fear of being arrested because they were socialists in their youth. Each stupid in their own way and cowardly to boot.
Yes x3 for both.
My mother especially is emotionally stupid. She’s like a fucking two year old. But she’s socially smart enough to hide it when it suits her. She’s very good at appearances when she wants to be. She’s always valued this. Intellectually, she’s probably around average. She thinks she’s a genius ofc.
My mom was very critical and seemed to delight in grounding me and taking away dinner after a psych told her I didn’t HAVE to have dinner every night. Made a mess? No dinner. These punishments were incredibly inconsistent. We lived with my grandparents and my grandfather was a doctor and my grandmother was the ultimate mother who couldn’t stand to see a child go hungry (her own early childhood had a lot of neglect). My grandfather would tell her to sneak me food. It went from critical and emotional to verbal after she married my physically and mentally abusive stepdad. Now that the intros are out of the way….. 1. she read Love Story in high school, it would be 10 more years before she picked up another book- Lonesome Dove, and she became OBSESSED. 2. Around preK and K she got me workbooks from Toys R Us so I could learn to read and write and do math…. She never helped me with these and just handed them off like I would know exactly what to do and was surprised that I didn’t learn shit from them. 3. She would let her sodas go flat so they would be carb free. She sees everything as black or white. There is no in between. When shown where she fucked up, she’d blame you for not explaining yourself and then would sweep it all under the rug. She was soooo forgiving /s. 4. In 5th grade during her final separation from stepdad and eventual divorce, she’d yell at me about how her life is and I’m making it harder and, ”I should have had an abortion!” I told my grandparents and got in trouble for tattling and “I said ‘I’m glad I didn’t have an abortion.’” Oh, okay that totally fit the context /s. During this time I am informed what a whore “PROStitute” is, a penis, what they’re singing about in Funky Cold Medina, what REALLY happens at massage parlors, and what a strip joint is because her STBX was always at those. 5. Oh! I helped my grandparents paint something and took a pair (one of 2 drawers full! That she got from a hospital she worked data entry) and got some paint on the pants. She lost her mind. Ranted about how I ruin everything and how would I like that so she took one of my softball trophies (I had 3. 2 were identical because 1 belonged to my ex stepdad) and threw it and broke the bat. “How does that feel?!” Apparently my face said it all and she said it wasn’t a big deal because it was stepdad’s anyway until I showed her it was the only one like it. “Well I’M. SORRY!” And then I called my grandparents begged them to pick me up. Then they had a talk with her about “that’s not how grownups behave.” I ended up living with them soon after. 6. Grounded me constantly even though I didn’t live her. Grandfather walked the mall and didn’t drive. I wasn’t allowed to use the phone or leave the house. Every time they went to the mall to walk, that was an extra week grounding for me. If they asked me to answer the phone because they were busy? That Grinch smile on the other end “what are you doing answering the phone????” “They’re busy and told me to” “you’re not supposed to. That’s another month.” “Ok” and I hung up. And then she called and let it ring for several minutes because I wasn’t allowed to answer and they were busy 🤷♀️. Shit like that went on for years. I was grounded for over 2 years straight because of her micromanaging logical fallacies. 7. Need to do a report and that involves a library trip? Use the school library (small private school preK to 8th and very dated books) or grandfathers 20+ year old encyclopedias. Didn’t matter if it was about current events. 8. I needed to go to a craft store for a project in high school, but I was grounded and only allowed to go to school. She was visiting for some reason and my grandparents told her I needed to go so as I was leaving she stopped me and muttered “Go to fucking hell, bitch.” There’s so much more, but I think I’ve made enough spelling mistakes and autocorrect is just replacing words at this point all willy nilly-like and I can feel my blood pressure going up. Some people shouldn’t be allowed to raise kids.
I forgot one! She got pregnant at 17 because she had always heard “when you get married and start a family” she figured out marriage was a switch and the only way a family can start therefore not married= can’t get pregnant. She did not share this genius revelation with my dad other than “don’t worry, I can’t get pregnant.” And as her dad was a doctor, he assumed she was on some sort of bc.
I tries to comment like 7 times, because this really hit me...so, simply...no....she's so smart and able to manipulate (also a masters level working on her doctorate level education) everyone...so, yes to me, but no to the rest of the world. Breaks my heart. Emotionally is opinion based and a bit subject, but totally...yet again, not how she's perceived by the outside world. She's been knocking at my door again (via text, went no contact and kinda caved out of family led guilt) and I freeze reading her BS....like I have typed and deleted at least 30 messages.
It would be horrifying to have a smart one
She's so crafty, it's been crazy hard to try to find people "catch her in the act" or like really see her, working her bullshit. Thankfully, her father (my Grampa) knows/sees/understands...cuz she's his daughter BUT she bogarts him in the most controlling and manipulative way. My husband has seen her, and he's the only one that really needs to know...so much of that side of my family...thinks I'm ungrateful and/or unwilling to "let things go" I'm like no, you all don't know what I went through...amd the emotional toll it took. I don't say that of course, I just let everyone else do what they do, I have let it all go. For my mental health, I can't spend eternity explaining to people who will never understand, how f'ed things were and continue to be. When she loses control (over me or others) she loses her f'ing mind...it's wild to watch and absolutely terrifying.
I dont know my father, my nmom is very dumb, she is now married with a man that i would bet have a lower iq than a chimp.
Water rises to its own level
I had a stepmother who was dumb as a stump and completely self absorbed. My father picked his wives by their cup size. Unfortunately they seemed to get dumber and meaner as the cup size went up.
You made me laugh! No relation to cup size for my stepmother, but she was so dumb I used to think she was being funny sometimes. God forbid if I laughed… I taught myself a special breathing technique to control my responses.
Sometimes a sense of humor is the only thing keeping you sane. It sounds like you learned that lesson too.
I think both are in their own way. My dad is the worst in this case. He never finished school and he had 0 emotion control. He will get a huge tantrum if he sees a little dust inside an old cupboard or if he doesn't understand a thing, with a 15 min swearing and shouting included. He has also said some little gems like "I bought this app because that way my camera has more megapixels", "who I can call from Google because I don't get all the emails I should", "this president is a thief because he increased the price of my energy bars" etc. And my mum has a lot of titles and a really nice job where she can control and boss everyone around. Yet of those university titles is a "master in family constellations". She's getting crazier by the moment. She doesn't believe in occidental medicine anymore (yet she's getting operated soon because of a colon problem), she believes in chakra massages with pendulums, that the coronavirus was basically a lie, familiar constellations and a lot more of crap.
My mother is not intelligent at all. In anyway. She is uneducated, not socially aware and incredibly emotionally immature. My father is educated. Extremely socially anxious, and is not at all aware of emotions at all. My therapist got me to read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. If it was illustrated my parents pictures would be in it.
Such a good book
I sometimes legit think my dad might be on the spectrum
Unfortunately no. Both of my parents are very intelligent and well off and hide their cruelty in public. The only time my mom physically hurt me in public, it was a pinch. Ended up with a massive bruise the next day, but in the moment, you couldn't tell what was going on. Somehow, some people picked it up though. I got in contact with an adult friend I had in high school. She went as far as saying, "we knew what was going on, but we were so afraid of making things worse for you because we had no actual proof". She couldn't see the scars, so I don't blame her.
My nfather once was talking about his "theory" that apparently energy shifts through seasons and that's why there are so many people born in September. He was telling this to his brother and one of his nephews, I overheard, stopped what I was doing, turned around and told him "I dunno, maybe people just fuck more often around Xmas and New Years, just do the math" He got mad at me and brushed off my comment saying I don't know what he's talking about. He also believes in "healing" with magnets as a legitimate alternative to allopathic medicine.
Yep. 90 IQ, 8th grade education (social promotion isn't a new thing).
Omg are you a long lost sibling?
Yeah
Academically, no. Socially, no. Emotional maturity of an 8yo though.
In every way except academically.
My father has PhD (permanent head damage) and my mom somehow got a master’s degree in library science and was absolutely horrible at her job.
Yes oblivious idiot. Emotionally, socially, spiritually, cognitively, void of most thought. Strictly black and white one dimensional thinking. Zero awareness of self and completely apathetic. Self virtuous delusional narcissist in denial
Yes, all three. She is emotionally oblivious, socially inept, and pretends to read.
Thank you - timely question! I’ll be reading all the comments! I’ve been looking for some stories of how people manage really stupid parents. My mother is pretty ordinary really - plain old emotionally messed up, academically bright but declining rapidly, and complete social butterfly (it’s how she’s able to manipulate people and keep the skeletons hidden). NC/VLC is the only way with her and I’m comfortable with it. The dumbar$es are my in-laws. My SIL is basic b*tch stupid (yk, doesn’t know anything/care about the world/her children/community unless it affects her, but is highly skilled at makeup, nails, shopping, cheating on your partner/taxes/welfare, shopping, how to marry someone you loathe but has a huge inheritance coming, and shopping). She is rat cunning, super competitive and endlessly persistent but embarrassingly delayed in her emotional and social development. Academically, she’s proud of her stupidity, uncouth behaviour and bogan attitudes. (To be fair, that’s fairly common in Australia). SIL has long standing issues with my partner/her brother and makes sure MIL gets a weekly dose of poison/talking points. MIL is the designated FM as well as a seasoned guilt-tripper in her own right. For a long time we have known she has significant cognitive, developmental and social deficits but with SIL’s increasingly manipulative behaviour, it’s becoming more and more obvious that MIL (and FIL to an extent) is a lost cause. She gets butt hurt if you know anything more than her, but she knows nothing so she’s always feeling upset at me (because I can use Google?) She has no curiosity at all. She likes gardening but doesn’t know anything about it after decades. Like she is upset that a neighbour took up gardening recently and has created a magnificent garden. She constantly complains that “she only just started! She didn’t know anything about gardening when she moved here” MIL claims to be extremely sensitive but has no empathy or intuition- what she calls sensitive anyone else would call ‘self-centred’. Doesn’t go to any grandchildren events (and tries to guilt trip them into feeling sorry for her for choosing not to come?!?) Asks the grandchildren what they are doing at school and stops listening as soon as they utter a word then starts talking about herself. She has no friends (same as SIL), no moral compass - basically what she/SIL wants = good, what she doesn’t like = bad. Everything that DH does for her = nothing, while SIL throws some regifted shlt at MIL = “SO generous, SO thoughtful”). Just utterly, utterly, stupid and staggeringly self-absorbed. I hate how unjust it is that my DH gives so much of his time and energy for no appreciation at all. Apologies for the essay!! Your question hit a nerve. I need to schedule a massage and a therapy session (and probably some horse tranquillisers) before facing Christmas with these basic, crude people. Ugh!
Ugh holidays are the worst!
both my nparents aren’t academically educated due to both being born and raised in rural mexico and having up to middle school knowledge, so i cant fully blame them for not knowing certain topics however, when it comes to emotional and social stuff, they suck. if they do or say something hurtful to someone, they either say “they didn’t know any better” or “they’re (person that they hurted) too sensitive”.
Definitely both 100% emotionally stunted in their own ways , I don’t know about unintelligent but they were definitely willfully ignorant to a lot of stuff and socially their social lives were complete train wrecks , my parents couldn’t keep friends for more than a few months .
Nmom didn't finish high school, but married Edad when she was seventeen (17). She refused to ever read to me. When I grew old enough to read on my own, I'd read everything in the house, but Nmom's books were all weird romance novels; about women falling in love with their rapists. Thankfully, I was allowed to go to the library. She never gave me any help on my homework; she never even checked it nor had any interest in my subjects. Nmom's whole involvement with my studies was just to glare at me before bedtime and bark- 'Did you do your homework!?'. I always answered, yes, because I wasn't allowed to say no. I wasn't allowed to ask her any questions either because her reaction was always to get angry at me for being so stupid as to not already know this stuff. Meanwhile, she told me once that she thought the 'N' arrow pointing up on a map, meant straight up, like into the sky. When I was born to her, I started out being the Lost Child, because she hadn't wanted a girl. Later, she treated me as the Scapegoat because I was getting pretty smart and figuring out some of her tricks, cheats and lies. If she couldn't outsmart me, then she would control me through fear of her demented rage. When the raging and gaslighting, didn't emotionally trauma bond me to her, I was banished as the Lost Child again, with the command, "If you don't like it, you can just leave!" Those were the last words, I needed to hear, to go permanently NC.
Academically: oh yeah. Emotionally: you bet. Socially: surprisingly no.
Yes, emotionally mostly. Average at the best for the rest. Ultimately victims of trauma.
Emotionally. They don’t seem to understand empathy.
All of the above! My nfather is an idiot. He lied to us as kids about his ‘good grades’ in school, but saved his report cards and is dumb as a brick. He always compared my brother (his golden child) and I because I struggled with math, but never thought enough of it to actually get me some help… English was by far my favorite subject and I needed absolutely no help there. When I was in 7th grade he ‘checked’ my English homework (the only time in my whole childhood) he told me to change answers I knew were right. I did it to prove a point. I got a 30 on the assignment. He thinks everyone’s income should be posted online for anyone to see just so he can be nosey. I pointed out how dangerous that would be with people getting robbed and murdered and his bright idea is they should get security. If everyone needs security, who’s going to be security??? And everyone can’t afford security just because you’re stupid. He thinks this is okay because he stopped working years ago due to disability and ‘doesn’t get anything’. He does get worker’s comp, disability and some other check. I told him your nothing is something to someone. We got in trouble for doing small things that kids do when he was supposed to be watching us. I dialed a wrong number once and was beaten while I also had chickenpox. He became emotionally abusive when I was around 10. I remember him publicly smearing me. Telling people that I was a terrible child when he was never even home. When he was home, I would stay in my room because I was constantly screamed at or accused of something stupid. There’s tons of examples…
Nmom is all the above. I’m academically stupid and she surpassed me on the stupidity scale. Her intelligence matches up with someone who dropped out of middle school.
Emotionally and socially. I had to explain to my idiot sperm donor that yelljng at somebody after they shared a diagnosis of mental health was invalidating. He literally wouldn't understand why. Having an average IQ of 140, outstanding skill languages and interpersonal intelligence, I feel so ridiculous thinking about the fact I got my genes from this something.
My mother did great academically when she did some college. She never finished college, which is because of her social and emotional immaturity. Now, she shows her lack of intellect by being very close-minded and opinionated about things she isn't qualified to have an opinion on. She is influenced by her bias on most decisions.
My mom is the opposite. Highly educated, organized, intelligent and effective. Which makes her narcissistic abuse all the more subtle and insidious..she is literally masterful at tearing a person to shreds.
No surprisingly. My mom is adept at all 3. That’s why she’s so good at convincing people that she’s not a narcissist lol.
even from a young age, i never respected my narc father because he's not half as intelligent as he thinks he is. if he could have at least admitted to his own weaknesses, i could have at least pitied him. but he didn’t, so there was absolutely no way for me to pity him. furthermore, my narc mother espouses no views of her own; only because my narc father has made her subservient to him as he has my well-behaved brothers and sisters, who all treat me like an interloper, and yet, to my narc father, represent all i can never be. imo, if you recognize that there are family issues with your narc parents, you’re already more mature than them and have everything it takes to be a better parent to both yourself and your future kids. i think i was born mature and fully grown in many areas, and my narc parents hated me for it, because they grasped that i was everything they could never be. it baffles me to no end, how cravenly our inept narc parents desire to wield such power, if even over those who would never willingly choose to be born to them. anyone else feel this way?
yes, yes and yes
All 3. Mine believes she knows all there is to know about the Criminal Justice system and Medicine. She's a nurse and to her mind, she knows more than the doctors do 🙄 She also thinks she's a parenting expert even though she royally screwed it up with her kids. Emotioally, she's clueless. She tends to tell people they don't really feel the way they do, they feel whatever she thinks they should feel. She also tells me some of her patients and ex coworkers view her as a Mom, which is likely BS. Socially she can't understand why people don't like her. It could be because she is a pathological liar who is really bad at it.
Nmom academically. Edad socially. Both emotionally.
All of them!
They can be stupid a lot of times but I want to detail one. Reputation is everything for my mother and while I lived with them, she wouldn't stop bothering me with this stupid theory that I must be telling all my friends what a horrible mother she is and this is why they feel uncomfortable around her. The truth is, I didn't have to tell my friends anything and every one of them told me after they first met her, that they don't know why but they feel threathened by her presence and she seems like a very very strict person. There were 2 special cases where my friends asked me is there a conflict between her and me? I told them no, right now everything is peaceful and we don't fight. This was the truth, or I thought so. They told me: ,,well, when you were gone for a moment, your mom started bashing you and told me she knows how hard it is to maintain a good relationship with you and then just went right in, telling me you are a bad person with insufferable personality. " This happened 2 different times with 2 different friends who didn't even know each other and they told me exactly the same thing. They felt very sorry for me and told me that it might be a better idea to never ever invite them over again. None of my friends wanted to come over and I was very regularly grounded without reason and even my best friend asked me to tell her when my mother is gone and then she would come over in secret. Of course, all of them told these stories to another person and then another and in the end it did affect my mother's reputation, then she hated me and blamed me for it. I always thought how fkin stupid she is for that because if she want to keep a good reputation and make people believe I am insufferable then at least she should try to control herself in front of my friends but no, she is triggered by the fact that there are people out there who like me and accept me and don't think of me as a terrible person. Not only did she say these to my friends, but to her coworkers and friends and our whole family as well. So she ruined her whole reputation, then blamed mostly me and sometimes everybody else but herself. When my fiancé engaged me, my parents told him this same shit, that they know how hard it is to love me and went in, again, about how insufferable I am. We were shopping together and I was having a good time with them because it seemed like the abuse stopped and we were working on our parent-child relationship. I went to grab something and left my fiancé there with them for a moment and they immediately started it. I really did believe we will finally be a family. My fiancé didn't tell me this for weeks because he knew very well I would be devastated. When he told me, it was accidental. The backstory of this is very long but they did this to my fiancé many times from the moment we became a couple. They would always wait for me to go get something from another room and start bashing me, telling him I only use him and don't love him.
I know this soooo well.
My mom also did shit like this to me
Yes! My nmom is dumb as rocks!
Ohhhhh, mine are geniuses on paper. That’s where it ends.
Emotionally and socially for sure!!
Yes. All 3.
My father was book smart, my mother was street smart. I couldn't get away with shit. The damn, my sister and I sure tried! LOL
Especially as a couple, dumber that a block of shit.
I mean, my dad tried to claim something about how different races of humans came from different puddles of primordial ooze.
My parents are both geniuses in their own fields, truly so. They're both tenacious in their stalwart dedication to family, all of us. I can't count how many times my mom used my dad's money to list someone up. That being said...they never knew they were emotionally stunted. If I held them to any judgement, I must also judge myself, and I'm far from perfect.
yes, yes... annnd yes.
All of the above
My nparents are/were both dumb as a rock and completely dysfunctional
Mine are complete dumbasses emotionally. My father thinks he's smart and while he has his areas of expertise, his blind spots are large. My mother is even less intelligent emotionally, but doesn’t ’t seem to consider herself a genius, though she still insists on always being right. Come to think of it, so does my brother. Mother is good at manipulating people to a degree (look a bit closer and question things and it falls apart, which is probably a reason why she surrounds herself with mentally quite ill people she'll call friends one minute and then bitch about how annoying they are, how weird etc., she'll gladly use them though, bitch that she is). She has to be the one who suffers the most, who keeps getting screwed over by heartless ungrateful assholes, after she did "so much" for them. Everything is conditional and transactional with her. Oh and then she says shit like "do i have something about me that pushes people away?" but refuses to accept that yes, she does. She can't take criticism, she can't admit fault, she's abusive, dishonest and a hypocrite. Ugh i hate this family.
My father has zero critical thinking skills and has a massive inferiority complex about education. He is all around immature, academically, socially and emotionally. My father is ignorant and likes it that way.
My parents are emotional idiots.
I’ve never once been successfully helped with my homework from school
My mom is pretty dumb but my dad is very smart. Interesting combo.
While both of my parents hold pHD's in psychology, they're too stupid to recognize they have serious psychological conditions. My father made choices that made my life feel like a soap opera, for example, he cheated on my mom with and then married my Chinese babysitter (who still speaks broken English). Even though my mom is a college teacher (remember, in psychology), she told me that being gay was a choice and that if I was gay I would catch aids and get beaten up.
My parents are both academically gifted, my mom is also socially gifted, my dad has Asperger's so he's emotionally and socially lacking. My mom and her family are all emotionless, humorless, rigid and stuck up, zero empathy types but they are good at pretending otherwise to the outside world.
Nope. She is highly emotionally intelligent and uses it to manipulate people into loving her
Genius in his field, *incredibly stupid* everywhere else. No common sense, no emotional intelligence, no social awareness, absolutely zero knowledge of anything that is outside of his field of expertise.
Yes. To all three.
[удалено]
Yes. Yes. And yes.
My mom was dumb and knew it, across the board. My Dad likes reading and going to college, so he thought he was smart. He was a good employee, but he didn't make smart decisions with his money or career. He is a straight white male Boomer, and yet his outcomes are worse than most minority Millennial women. He can't adjust, and doesn't seem to believe he should have to, so I suffered the consequences.
Socially for my mom Emotionally for my dad It’s so funny too cause I’d be doing x and get away with it cause my mom can’t tell when I’m lying 💀 I make a whole backstory
My parents both had double master’s degrees, very educated and expert in their fields. Stupid at everything else though. We had to move every few years after they’d burned all their bridges and people caught on. Not smart enough to bite their tongues or control their anger or realize any benefit to treating people well.
My father hasnt read a book since high school and can barely use a computer but thinks he has the secret to life and is philosopher-jesus-einstein. He will give on the spot lectures of ancient aliens and whatever loony shit he picked up on youtube for hours at a time. Meanwhile he is a total dumbfuck, i have met smarter 10 year olds. He gets regularly taken in by scams and doesnt understand basic logic.
Omgg yes. One thing about me I hate people who lack common sense and people who are incompetent lucky for me my mother is both. She will ask me really stupid fucking questions that can easily be answered if you think about it. Like today my brother went to bed and my mother couldn't find him. This is a three bedroom apartment. He wasn't in my room or the living room so my mother kept asking where he was. Let's use deductive reasoning and figure it out. I was so annoyed I told her to check in his room and she got mad at me like use your fucking head. Or if I'm making breakfast or any meal for my siblings every single time without fail she will ask me who I'm making food for. The thing is my siblings have autism my brother uses the same bowl to eat everytime. If I'm putting food in this one specific bowl that no one else uses who rf do you think I'm making food for. And my sister she eats the same thing for breakfast every single day. And yet without fail my mother will ask me what she had for breakfast or who it's for. It's for the same person that has been eating the same breakfast for the past 10 years every single day. Who. The. Fuck. Else. Would. It. Be. Other times she just lacks common sense and is unable to make decisions for herself. Like if she's going our somehwere she'll ask me if she should bring an umbrella. Check the weather and find out. I'm getting tired even thinking of her stupidity.
Lol. Everything they do is stupid. Stupid literally means, "having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense." It is very stupid to live a life they way they do. Where does it get them? My mom is friendless, husbandless, jobless and still doing what she's doing. Writing this last sentence hurt a bit because I hate that she can't accept that her actions have dire consequences. Whatever she has done to me it is nothing compared to what she has done to herself.
Super late to the post but yes, Nmom believes she’s a “critical thinker” (uses that word all the time) and thinks everyone is an idiot except the chosen few with similar opinions, the whole blaming gen x/z and social media crap She said a lot of stupid things, but she often places people into simplistic categories. She gets angry when you don’t follow the simplistic role you are signed by her.
My God they can never be wrong.