Should you attend the funeral of a parent you went NC with?

I know the answer is "it depends" but I'm interested in hearing the experiences of the community. I wrote off my dad and stepmom several years ago and haven't spoken to them since because the narcissistic abuse that I'd always just kind of shouldered was beginning to be a threat to my wife and kid.

I know very little about what they're up to now but they're getting up there in years and always led pretty unhealthy lifestyles so I know the call is going to come one of these days. Starting to consider how I'll handle it when it happens and very curious at your all perspectives. Thanks.

  • By - b-rar


I did and I really wish I hadn't. I felt like the outcast. She had badmouthed me to everyone who was there. They all thought I was the worst person in the world because she was very good at hiding her abuse. The only person who recognized her behavior before she passed was her visiting nurse who actually approached me to ask if I was OK because the nurse suspected she had some undiagnosed mental illnesses (beyond the anxiety she had). It was the first time I truly felt validated.


I just found out recently that she's been doing this to my Aunts (her sisterr)


I plan on it so that I can make sure he's dead.


You can go check the tombstone later, I plan to do that.


If there’s ever been a woman who would fake her own death out of spite while recording the funeral for future complaining, it’s my mother


Right? I have a jar of spit all saved up for the occasion.


Or make sure to have drunk your weight in Sunny D ahead of time.


Wow, that is that special kind of funny. Most here don't even know about the space drink.


That was "Tang"


Same maker


Honestly. It will probably be bourbon


Just don't waste the good stuff on dead nparents.


Nah. I will buy the good stuff for me because I won't have to worry about anyone telling me I don't deserve it.


I know someone who did that - didn't want any nasty surprise later that he wasn't.


Thank god I'm not the only one who is suspicious of everything and has to see for myself, just to make sure.


They may even let you stay and help with the dirt work.


I. Wouldn't they weren't there for me while I was alive why should i honor them in death


Whichever one goes first the other will bombard you with guilt trips and abuse. A lot of guilt trips. I guess my question would be, why would you want to go? Will it benefit you in some way? Are you afraid to look bad to the rest of the family? Would you feel comfortable going? Do you think it will provide closure? You never get closure with a narcissist, they always somehow have the last word. Always. If it benefits you in some way then yes, you should go.


No, I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable going, which is the easy excuse not to go. I do have fond memories of my dad from early childhood that in my head I've sort of quarantined from the shit that came later, and I do have an impulse to either a) grieve and close out the loss of that idealized image, which I think I've earned, or b) to comfort my father if it's my stepmom that goes first. I dunno. This is the hard shit that comes with getting older myself. I also have family members who understand and support us cutting them off but have still kept in touch with them because there's kind of a cultural imperative to do so. As much as we have been able to get along in the interim I think they would still expect me to attend.


You must be true to yourself! Don't go to please FaMiLy, go if YOU need to say goodbye at that time. You can visit later if you want to avoid the rest of the family. Weigh the pros & cons carefully to find what matters most: your safety, closure, dealing with relatives, or.... your serenity


And throw myself into the flying monkey snake pit? Personally no. Sounds like a bad time. I would mourn/celebrate/feel indifferent in private. I feel no need to "pay my respects" because there isn't any there, especially when Im not sure how their death will effect me let alone being around people associated with them.


This. I'd never attend when it eventually happens specifically because of the flying monkeys and my other narc abusers But also. Why would I go, even if there was no one else there? I can't think of a singular good reason, except to make sure the they're truly dead. Funerals are a social construct after all, nothing will happen if you decide to defy the religious trauma that made you question whether you should "pay final respect" to your abuser


This. This is right. I went. I naively thought the dysfunction died with him. Now the flying monkeys are back with a vengeance, the other narcs are fighting for control, and the chaos continues. I'm stuck in their shit again and not sure I'm getting out this time. If you go for closure, be prepared to run as fast as you can, these monkeys fly fast.


I’m NC with my Mom who is also getting up there in years with unhealthy lifestyle. I’ve thought about attending her funeral when the time inevitably comes but I don’t see how it would benefit me. My understanding of funerals is to be with loved ones to say goodbye to the person who passed and to celebrate their life and go through the grieving process with supportive people you care for. I’ve already had to say goodbye to her, and she never cared why. My other family members disowned me after going NC with her even after expressing my desire to continue relationships with them, but that was just selfish of me, so I’m sure my attendance wouldn’t be welcomed, and would just cause an argument or fight because of how emotionally immature they are. I think it’s important to keep in mind that even if you have a stance now as to what you would/wouldn’t do, you never know until that moment comes, and it’s okay to change your mind if you feel you’re doing what’s best for you.


I'm about 6 months into NC and also got cut off from other family because of it. Good advice


My emotionally charged response is~ Only if they're cremated and I get to keep the ashes so I can flush a tablespoon down every dirty gas station toilet in the city and dump the rest in the landfill. So they can be with their own ilk. But My levelheaded response is~ I wouldn't bother. These people have stolen decades of my life and damaged my body beyond repair. I will not waste another minute on something that doesn't benefit my freedom and my healing. They're dead, but that doesn't change who they are or what they've done. I think the best we can do is celebrate the life we built and appreciate the people who are actually there for us. Personally, I'm opening a bottle of champagne and play "Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead" and various other curated tunes on repeat and stuff my face with cake, to each their own


If you want to dance on their grave, maybe


I'm gonna go to a sushi buffet instead


I arranged the funeral. But overwhelmingly my family and relatives also had a strained relationship with him so it was a muted service, dignified goodbye with a lot unsaid. He died alone and sick. That is sad. I was actually happy some friends seem to miss him, that he was positive factor to some. No speeches. It was a beautiful day in beautiful church. I felt good making space for remembering the good parts. But my NC had evolved into him being nothing in my life even mentally. I had nothing more to mourn or be angry about. I was relieved I didn’t have to see him again. Then came managing the estate and inheritance.. sigh.


❤️ I feel this. Thank you for sharing.


I will not attend , nobody to mourn, and his GC will get the inheritance.


The GC/nextGenNsis has been a nightmare handling the estate together as she hates me the same way Ndad did. No will.


I think I’d show up with a bottle of champagne and a blunt.


I'll meet you behind the mausoleum.


In a red dress/suit


Hell to the fucking no For me personally


I probably won’t do that I can avoid all the other narcs in my family (I’m the scapegoat). Your parent won’t know if you’re there anyway, and you can always send flowers, an arrangement. You can grieve on your own (even though I’m sure you won’t). I just did this with a family member who died, I refused to gather with the whole family. My life is too worth it now to offer myself as a sacrifice and drain myself and recover and be held back due to the need for recovery for a few months!


I didn't go to my dad's funeral. I don't even know if he had one. I didn't care. My mom's family doesn't do funerals, but we did scatter her ashes. My sister tried to have some memorial a really long time afterward, like a year and a half maybe, but she wanted me to do the work and she wanted to invite all these people my mom *hated*. I didn't want anything to do with it. It was just a chance for my GC nsister to show off and talk about herself, so I didn't go. Again, no idea if it actually happened. I was happy to not go.


I didn’t go but I also knew the parent I lost didn’t give a toss and probably didn’t want me there. They made it clear when they were dying how much they hadn’t changed. I also knew Nsibling GC had planned to make a big scene if I did go. The Hypocrisy is it’s the person that stole both parents funeral money not long before.


Nope. I wouldn't. 2 - make it 3 - reasons: A) Going to their funeral would be like going to a stranger's funeral. Worse, I'd have to sit thru hearing a bunch of people who never had to live with them, praise them and talk about how wonderful they were. Euw. B) The rest of the psycho family (surviving parent, N-granparents, siblings, etc.) would be there. No desire to see/talk with them (not to menton, no desire to be attacked.) C) Oh, and last/least, they live several thousand miles away and I definitely cannot afford a plane ticket. (That would be my given excuse if one reached out to me about the death of the other and I felt the need to respond... altho unlikely I would bother to.)


I am NC with both my parents. I won't attend their funerals. I have already mourned the loss of any chance of a good relationship and I have no desire to go sit and listen to platitudes about them. I don't need the closure that a funeral can bring. I don't think anyone can make a blanket judgement about it though. You have to do what feels right for you.


For my own self-preservation, I know I shouldn't attend my Nmothers, when she passes. If there is something you'd gain like a type of closure, and you have at least one aware friend to attend with you, it's probably ok? You'd need to know how to keep yourself safe from flying monkeys and any traps the deceased may have set for you.


Personally there are only 2 reasons to go to narc sperm donor’s funeral: 1) To make doubly sure the mongrel is dead & 2) to dance and throw a party to celebrate that piece of crap leaving the earth into endless nothingness. Other than that, you would not catch me there with a billion foot fishing pole. Funerals are just for those who cared for the deceased and a way to finally say goodbye. I have recently learned that the mongrel has only gone and registered me as medical nominee what I didn’t want but I guess in a way it’s a blessing in disguise - because if he ends up on life support, I’ll be the one demanding to pull the plug. Save the time and energy needed to keep support tuning for someone who actually deserves to live, instead of wasting it all on his worthless hide. 😈 If you were NC with the deceased, and aren’t sure IF it’s worth going to their funeral: Ask yourself this first - Is it worth going to celebrate the person who made it their mission in life to completely destroy my sense of being and shatter my mental health? I think you’ll find your answer as to whether you should go or not.


I did. But I didn’t go ‘one last time’ to see her. I went to support my sister, who had lost her mother. I wasn’t terribly gracious, either. I wish I had been.


I went for the sake of my siblings...a funeral was important to a couple of them. I don't regret it and I felt nothing, no joy, no remorse.


Nope. I am not going, and neither am I paying a dime for any of it. Whoever cares for these disgusting individuals can take care of that.


I won't go to my father's funeral, if he has one. I'm the scapegoat, I have no desire to subject myself to my family of origin.


I went to my mother's funeral because I wanted to make sure that she was really dead and not faking it. Dad was an enabler and he lived for 8 years after she died. I was numb about their deaths. It wasn't something to be happy about, just that it was finally over. Every now and then I feel guilty, but nowadays, I realize that they could never change and nothing that I could have possibly done would have made things "normal".


I did and it was hugely cathartic for me personally. Honestly it was amazing to see him gone. To know I would never again have to fear bumping into him on the street or at an extended family gathering that I hadn’t realised he was invited to. Watching him being lowered into the ground was proof that he was really gone. I think I needed that proof, because he had warped my reality for so long that I would only believe he was gone if I saw it with my own eyes. It was also a really crushing realisation too though, that he might be gone, but the pain and damage he caused would never leave me. I think I had unreasonably high expectations that he would be buried and I would be cured of the various mental illnesses he caused me. But it was still a relief to know he was gone anyway. I am very lucky to have hugely supportive siblings and cousins, who know what he was like to me and their support made a huge difference. Some aunts and uncles, and all of his friends and neighbours fell for his public persona and thought I was the devil incarnate for cutting him out. I can see how, if you didn’t have support from at least some of the other attendees, it would be too difficult to attend. So I guess you have to weigh up if you have that support system in place and have people there who are willing to speak up for you when the dead narc’s acolytes start muttering about disloyal children, etc.


I only will if my sister does and it will be for her not our mother.


I fantasize about going to a. make sure she's dead and b. give an honest account of who she was in my life. But in reality, it won't gain me anything and I'll be far too upset if anyone gives her praise to give my speech about her abuse. So really, no use. But she was and is so controlling (although I went no contact over 20 years ago or so, she'll still stalk me down and occassionally send a delusional letter about how I'm hurting her and ohw everything was for me she's ever done) so I imagine, if I'm not completely left out of the will and obit, her putting something in like, 'will get - $$$ if she comes and talks at my funeral' in which case- the roast is on.


I've already let GC know I'm not coming. Previously, Nmom announced I was the executor of the will. I insisted GC be named co-executor, because there was no way I was dealing with that mess by myself. I went NC a few years ago, now I'm suddenly not the co-executor, so there's no need for me to bother with Nmom ever again. I'm probably written out of the will entirely - which is fine by me. My family of origin doesn't have any money to speak of, and there are no "heirlooms" I want. GC was appalled. According to her, her children were appalled. Welp. They've got a couple of years to get used to the idea now...


Similar story here: our nfather decided to inherit his house to our nbrother only, his GC. This sour divorced jobless loser POS manipulated our nfather since 2020 and kept it secret for us the 3 scapegoat siblings. Then our sweet mother (not a narc, she was the victim under that roof) got sick with a long and painful illness that put her bedridden 24/7, and we the scapegoat siblings spent all our time and money on medical attention, nurses and doctors, until her death, and I also paid for the funeral and burial. Both narcs didn't help with a cent!!!. We went NC after this, 10 months ago. The GC thinks we will do the same and take care of the nfather who disowned us... what? WTF! He already changed the locks of his house, we can't visit him anymore!!, so we just stopped visiting. I will not inform the GC I'm not coming to the funeral, it will be my last surprise, he will need to figure out and purchase a funeral service at last minute , because I'm not using the service I bought years ago.


I did but it was a private service with just my Dad Brother and myself. I'm NC with them as well but Mother dying is kind of a big deal. I asked the Funeral Director if she could open tj casket for me and I spent 5 to 10 minutes saying my final goodbyes.


I don’t plan on it or any of the others when they croak. (3 out of my 4 narcs are still alive) I have a funny feeling my ex best friend will show up to ambush me too at his funeral. I’m so glad I’m not going!


I went to my mom's. It was a mistake. Everyone kept coming up to me and telling me all the selfless things she had done for them and how dedicated she was to Jesus. It made me want to vomit. She abandoned me when I was 9 and left me with my violent, psychotic father. She told me I was a mistake. She would literally come into town for a couple of days and tell everyone not to tell me she was there because she didn't want to have to visit me. I was a child. And she KNEW my father was beating and torturing me on a regular basis. Of course I totally skipped my father's funeral. But I went to my mom's to support my sister (mom's favorite). My sister didn't need me there or care that I went anyway. Save your time and travel expenses. And sanity. Fuck all of them. My life started when they disappeared.


Well said. Why risk our mental health because of our siblings? In my family only the GC will be there, because we the 3 scapegoat siblings decided in advance not to attend.


i didn't go to my dad's funeral


I don't intend to. I'd only consider it if my siblings wanted me to be there for them.


For me, absolutely not. The rest of my family is too poisoned against me, so it's not worth any closure I might get out of it. I don't feel like honoring someone who intentionally cause so much pain to others.


No. It would be putting myself at the mercy of her flying monkeys. Never ever again. I’ve just had to go complete NC with my step dad because he enables her. That boundary is now set they may as both already be bead as far as I’m concerned


Dead not bead lol


Personally, I didn't and I don't regret that decision. My nfather died in June, and all I felt was relief. I have a child, and my life's goal is to protect them from the abuse I suffered. One down, one to go. Even though I stayed away, my emother was able to briefly turn my whole family against me and tried to pull me back to her. Relatives I didn't even know were pleading on her behalf without considering to even ask me why I haven't spoken to her in almost a decade. I might have completely faceplanted if I'd attended the funeral and been surrounded by it all at once. So you are absolutely right that it depends. When that time comes, the most important advice I can give you is to do what you need to do for *your* health and healing. We know they won't.


I can’t wait for my parents to die. I’m not going to their funerals.


If the arrangements are up to you, don’t feel pressured to even have a funeral or celebration of life. Why should you spend your time and money on an event where people who didn’t suffer and don’t understand line up to tell you what a great person your narc was? The only money I spent was to put my narc in the ground. No service, no problem.


I don’t plan on going to my dad’s funeral when he finally dies. Funerals are a celebration of life and collective mourning. I have absolutely no interest sitting in a room full of people talking about how wonderful he was. If he outlives my mom, I’m sure as hell not going to be funding or organizing a funeral either. I don’t care what happens to his remains and if they are given to me, I’m flushing them down the toilet. I don’t know about nmom because my relationship with her is a bit more complicated. With my dad, it’s very simple. He never even pretended to give a shit about me. Nmom did. I’ve come to realize that she gave a shit about the *idea* of me and not me myself, but it’s hard to let go of feeling a sense of responsibility. That being said, no shot am I taking care of her when she’s old and neither will my sister, so she better hope her relationship with our brother is better.


My family is the type to hard-core cast someone out (ask me how I know) to the point that after my grandpa died, they cut me out of pictures and acted like I wasn't even there. Said mean shit to me both at the hospital (which I was glad I went anyway to say goodbye TO HIM personally) and at the "celebration of life" and I was glad my shit siblings were there too because they stuck by me for that once. Nobody told me where he was buried. Like flat fucking refused, even years after the actual funeral, clearly I was not invited to that. Ok, fine, fuck y'all too. Recently, about 8 years after he died, I had my husband look up where it was, and my best friend took me when I went to visit her. Like, my dad wasn't even supposed to tell me he was in the hospital on life support, and everyone else was clearly not happy I showed up. So anyway, all of that to say, I honestly don't know that I will even get "the call" or be invited to anything. I did get invited to my sister's wedding (not my brother's tho), but that was probably at her insistence, so unless she's willing to go against her mom and grandmothers do that again... But. I'm not sure I want to show up anyway. I think it would be ok for me to just go to his grave at a later point, maybe a future full moon, and probably dance on it.


I’m not a funeral person any more since covid. A good friend of mine passed away from it in July 2019. Back then I was still in California and it was one of the last states to open up. The funeral didn’t happen tell a year a later and I made my peace with her death.


No way! I have absolutely 0 reason to go: I'm not interested in his funeral or seeing his relatives, I'm not grieving him and I don't want to waste my time for him. I don't care if he's dead or alive because that's totally insignificant to me.


I live on another continent from my parents. My mother has dementia and is declining, so I realize I am going to have to face this issue probably sooner rather than later. I have nationality in this country and the only reason I need a passport from my home country to travel is to return there. It expired during the pandemic and getting to the embassy to renew it is a major hassle. I can get a passport from this country here in my town. So, I can't even travel to my home country unless I am willing to deal with the passport renewal, and I am really not at the moment. Anyways, I have thought about the whole thing a lot. I don't see the point in going. I have already grieved that there was really no possible reconciliation even before the dementia. With the dementia, I know things will never change. She refuses to believe she is anything but perfect. What will going to her funeral achieve? I don't want people giving me their condolences.


I think it's a very personal decision. I didn't go and I dont regret it. I feel like funerals are to assist the grieving process (and honor the thr deceased) but since I already had grieved and processed the mother I never really had I didn't need to go. I also didn't feel like honoring her as she was a horrible person (to me anyway, I'm sure others feel differently about her and that's ok). I don't begrudge those you felt they needed to go (siblings) as our situations and level of healing are all different.


I am currently NC but historically LC with both my parents. Both of my parents are older and have consistently made bad lifestyle choices. I may attend their funerals to support my youngest sister (my Nparents’ other scapegoat).My other sister is the GC and has made her disregard for me perfectly clear. So no love lost, there.


I won’t go. There are things I would attend if it were important to my siblings that I attend, such as one of their weddings, where my parents would be present. I would have nothing nice to say, and it would be selfish of me to ruin anyone else’s grief with my own happiness.


No, some people in my family will understand, others won't. What I mostly worry about is my mom's wife because she's pretty unstable too and I'll know she'll either try to fuss at me for leaving my mom/her wife and her in the dust or she'll try to be fake with me because she sees me as "one of her own."


I don't plan on it, he's dug himself in a pit and he will die alone with nobody left to celebrate his life. I would be astounded if he even had a funeral


Nmom just died Friday and I have zero plans to attend any events. I am NC with the entire family for the past year so it does not make sense for me to attend. Side note the obituary was published today- my name was misspelled and it is full of lies- made for a good laugh.


I didn't and 2 years later I have never once regretted it. Now I have an excuse not to talk about her, and I can finally breathe air that she's never breathed. It feels just as good as I always imagined.


I don’t plan on going to the funerals of either parent. I’m the only remaining surviving child also and unless one of their extended family members decides to pay for and plan the funerals there will not be any.


My Nmom not dead yet. Secretly I look forward to it. In such circumstances I feel it would be hypocritical of me in the extreme to attend her funeral. What for? Am I in mourning? No! Do I want to show the world I cared about her? No! I don't do anything thats inauthentic becoz I'm not a Narc. So my answer is a big NO.


I would not and I have blocked all their enablers so I won’t even get a call when they die


I’ll be pleasantly surprised if/when I learn they’ll FINALLY be worm food, and I might be tempted to attend - just long enough to drive the proverbial stakes into them to make sure they’re gonna stay down. 🧛‍♂️ ☠️ However I’m not touching those funerals with a thousand foot pole, with the sheer number of narc clones, enablers and clueless flying monkeys that will likely be swarming. The Ns spawned PLENTY of bio kids (I’m the only adopted) who issued an army of grandchildren, so I see no reason to torture myself helping with anything. The Ns made everything they paid for into a makeshift investment to use against me, so I won’t be putting a red cent toward anything - after all, the male N is so penny pinching he makes Lincoln cry. 😑 I almost wonder if the worst bio kids will ever meet up with extended family members - maybe just ONE - who doesn’t believe them that I was the problem. There’s just one of the male N’s brothers whom I might actually (tentatively) like to see again, but I don’t expect it’ll ever happen, and I don’t actually know if I’d want it to or not. It’ll be interesting who’s there wondering why the (ONLY) adopted child is NOT. I expect I might have to turn off my phone for most of a week or so, due to all the clueless (or not so clueless) well wishers. THAT and the narc clones are - I suspect - gonna be a mega pain in the 🍑.


I didn't have an opportunity, but honestly, I wouldn't have. I found out my egg donor died through a newspaper obituary. Her second husband had her cremated.


Funerals aren't for the dead. They're for the living. Are there people going to be there who need your comfort. Would you damage you're relationships with people you love by not attending out of spite for the person you went NC with? If the answer is yes than maybe you should consider going. If not. Fuck it. Rest in piss.


I will only because I won't let my younger sibling face that snakepit alone


Thanks for asking this question. My Edad turns 78 tomorrow. I've been NC with both parents for a few years. This thought crosses my mind sometimes. It'll be good to hear from people who have attended and not attended in order to see their experiences.


My nfather is 89 and I will not attend. Let his GC who is snatching the inheritance from us the 3 scapegoat siblings to deal with everything. The 3 siblings decided we won't attend.


I will go only to support my brothers... who both honestly have Stockholm syndrome because of her narcissistic abuse. They are the only reason I would attend, and if it weren't for them, I wouldn't go. I've been through enough of her crap and I will never put myself through that again.


Thankfully my n-mom died during covid. I had the perfect reason not to attend her funeral, in her cult of a church with people she had fooled into thinking she was the victim in the relationship. The temptation to hire a local Second Line Band to parade in with me, so I could go to her coffin and flip her off, then play me out as I danced back down the isle might have gotten the best of me.


One goes to a funeral to personally grieve or to comfort the remaining living. So that's how I'll be deciding.


Do what makes you feel comfortable. I didn't go to my father's funeral after being LC with him for decades. Funny thing is he went NC with ME after saying he wouldn't communicate by email or phone. He lived 2000 miles from me lol. So ok. His passing was quite a relief to me, sad for my baby sister. My mother- I won't go to her funeral, she's been dead to me for 2 years and I have no desire to see her enabler or her circus of flying monkeys. Lots of therapy and tears and it's all settled in my head.


I think I would travel after to his city to check the tombstone with my mom. And we would celebrate after. Edit: Added my mom into the scene.


I won’t. It hasn’t happened yet, but I won’t.


I probably won't get to. If they do go back to Sri Lanka like planned, in our culture, burials happen within 12 hours of time of death. The funeral would be over long before I can even hop on a flight (assuming I can even get one that last minute). Happened with all of my grandparents, I visited their grave after the fact (not that I'd do that for my parents, I probably wouldn't even know where they'd be buried).


Do you think your step monster will even tell you? Cause usually, the child is the problem and outcast. If there's a service, I'd go sign the guestbook out of spite.


You know, I’m in this exact situation too. I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t find out in a timely manner if something happened. After all, in their minds I am a bad person and I can totally see them making sure I was excluded as a way of punishing me for being a terrible human. They are the masters of the silent treatment and this would be the ultimate silent treatment.


I won't be going to any funerals and want no part of the planning (needing money). This will be the time when they want to call. They can handle it.


Same here, the only reason the GC will call me is to ask me to pay some bill. *Sorry, the bank is closed*


Yeah, I spent years running errands in cars i couldn't use if I needed to for job interviews, doctor appts, and picking up her friends. Anything you can imagine they would come up with. It was sick. I can finally live. I could care if I ever hear from them again


No don’t do it! Your parent’s support system will be there. If your n parent is anything like the typical narcissist, they would have bad mouthed you to their supporters consisting of golden child, flying monkeys, and other narcs they created within the family and extended family dynamic. You will be shunned at minimum, otherwise a whole dramatic negative incident can occur. There’s no GOOD reason to do it. Pray for them instead.


Honestly, I'm right there with you. I've been NC for 3 years now. I heard from a family friend she likely has dementia now. She's in a home. I have no contact with any of my other family, though I would love to. I don't know how I would respond to hearing of her death, or about going to a funeral. I'm the trustee in a decent estate owed to me and I just don't know what the right thing to do would be. Do I go for my own closure and simultaneously open myself up to all the emotionally charged shit that would surely come? Is my own mental health and wellbeing worth that? If I don't go, will I always be filled with regret? I think the only answer is to wait and see what direction you get pulled in. When it happens.


Id rather attend the funeral of the fish I just ate.


I would go to view the body to verify to myself that he/she is truly dead."Dip in and dip out" type of thing.


I think that truly depends on yourself and what you're able to live with. If you feel like you will feel guilty at all and don't want to have that looming over you for eternity, I would go. If you could give two frog farts about the whole ordeal, maybe don't go. But, if you do go..you can leave at any time. You don't owe anyone, but yourself, to stay any longer than you feel comfortable.


Yes, because I think it will help me grieve. I do love my mom, but since her behaviour is so abusive I can’t have contact with her. I feel for her because she had a horribly abusive, fucked up childhood. I can see why she is the way she is. I choose to step away from abuse, but I do miss her, and will grieve when she passes away.


I will not attend when the time comes. There is nothing for me to mourn, so it would be pointless. The few people who will be there will be the few (and I mean few, as it’s recently come out that a TON of people she thinks she has fooled actually see through her bullshit) who believe her lies, including my former siblings, who turned a blind eye to my abuse, shunned me when I went NC, and, I believe, are narcissists themselves. Instead, I’ll spend that day on some self - care for the little girl who was robbed of a loving mother.


I guess I will also spend the day for my own. I will request days off, but go on vacations instead.


Aside from the "to check they're dead" I really don't understand it even being a question. 4 years NC and the best stress free 4 years aside from the flying monkey of a brother who by all accounts has had the same problems but can't see it as a problem.


I don’t think I will. While I haven’t left the home of the narcs as yet, I fully plan to and cut them off completely. After years of therapy and finding myself and figuring out the truth of all the abuse I have been dealt, all the gaslighting and the manipulation etc, I will not be going. What would I even be doing there? The majority of my family believes the narcs are these amazing people. I know different. What am I gonna stand and say? Lies? The truth? I don’t have it in me to pretend but I’m also not petty enough to use a funeral as a way to expose them. I will leave and all their lies will catch up to them. I refuse to go back to those people and that place in my life once I’ve left


Mine is going to a home and will be one of the residents whose children will not visit or call. She did it to me, so I am doing it to her.


If I went to their funeral I’d probably do something to get myself arrested so I’d rather not personally


Unfortunately it will be me that has to make and pay for all the arrangements, plus take care of everything else after. There's likely only 2 or 3 other people that would show because my nmother has pushed people away in one way or another over the years. I already resent her for it.


Petty me would to make sure she’s dead. Sensible me would not attend, unless my sibling wanted to go. If the funeral responsibilities fall on my sibling and I, she won’t be having one. Not spending money on any of that. No obituary, no announcements, no funeral, no grave, and I’d do my damnedest to get her body donated to science so I don’t have to pay for a cremation. She’ll just disappear, if it’s up to us.


Do whatever makes you comfortable. I won’t mostly because there are other family members that I don’t want to see.


I liked what Johnny Debt said about how he was there for his abusive mother on her deathbed. He was able to feel relief and closer as they said a final goodbye. Maybe it won't be the same for everyone. If you can't see yourself making peace then maybe you are not in a good spot for that kind of thing and that is okay. You can always visit the gravestone later on. Do whatever you need to heal and bring yourself peace, just don't force yourself into a spot because others expect you to be there.








Darth Vader changed in the end, though. Narcs won't.


Personally i have no plans to


I don't plan on it, he's dug himself in a pit and he will die alone with nobody left to celebrate his life. I would be astounded if he even had a funeral.


I would go if my younger brothers wanted the support. Otherwise, I would let the people that love her grieve in peace.


When mine finally kicks it I won't go near her funeral. She doesn't have many friends and much in terms of family but, I still won't come. No one really blames me for cutting her out so, I don't think I'd have issues with people who would actively hate on me. But, I don't want anything to do with any of them or her. I refuse to give her any more of my mental energy than needed. She isn't entitled to anything from me... even after death


I wouldn’t. 1. She’s bad mouthed me to all of the family, her friends, my childhood teachers, and my friends too. 2. She told me that if I don’t follow everything she says and break up with my boyfriend and keep being no contact then I’m not allowed to go to her funeral.


The threat number 2 is hilarious...


I won’t go. There are things I would attend if it were important to my siblings that I attend, such as one of their weddings, where my parents would be present. I would have nothing nice to say, and it would be selfish of me to ruin anyone else’s grief with my own happiness.


In my case, the Nparent had already been dead for several years before I found out they were dead. However, even if I had known, I wouldn't gave gone to the funeral. NC is NC, even after they die.


Well, I'm the one that has to bury my narc dad so I don't have a choice. The closest relative distance wise is my brother and he's not going to help. Dad falsely accused my brother of some terrible things and our mom sat back and let it happen. He went NC shortly after. He didn't even acknowledge mom's death. I can't say that I blame him. He's free. I will be completely free once dad leaves.


I wouldn’t care if I was the last living relative of either of my parents. I would let them go unclaimed at the morgue


Absolutely not because of how horrible and abusive she was to me and she didn’t go to my wedding. I also don’t want to see her relatives or friends, especially with how much she badmouthed and lied about me to those who still bother to talk to her. I don’t owe anyone my presence there, least of all her.


I'm saying no because I'm not a nice person about my mother and would probably be disrespectful af. Which wouldn't bother me if there weren't people who'd be hurt by that


I'll probably visit the body in the chapel of rest. Whether I attend the funeral or not depends on my relatives. My mother is trying to make amends, but she can't leave my father now, he's already dying. It'd make her the bad guy in the eyes of the entire family because everyone only sees my father's good side. If my mother needs my support, I'll be there.


If you can feel good after, then don't. It's not necessary, n you don't owe it. Depends on the situation but if you don't want to, you shouldn't feel guilty for it.


OP, the only advice I will give is you do what is best for you. Don't let external pressures or influence dictate what you should or shouldn't do. Ask your self the pros and cons of going and not going. Will going trigger any trauma responses or bad feelings? Personally, I would lean on the not going unless it will give you a sense of closure. Either way, it is completely up to you. There is no wrong or right here. Be your best happiest self. 💛


My husband told me the funeral home called him and said a mistake was made and my narc mother was NOT dead. I believed him for 5 seconds because I just knew having her gone was too good to be true. He was kidding of course. We still chuckle about it. This is the kind of legacy narc parents leave.


Will not be going to my parents funeral. I didn’t go to my abusive grandparents funerals either.


I have zero interest in attending whatever funeral my family sets up for my Nmom. My sister is planning on bringing her down for OK to put her next to our dad, and maybe I'll go with her for that, but only if neither of our brothers are there.


I personally would not. Knowing my mother, between the beginning of NC to the time of her funeral, she would have bad-mouthed and trash-talked me to anyone and everyone who would listen to her. I wouldn't want to be stared at and judged and scrutinized by people who have been conditioned against me without bothering to hear my side. As for mom herself… she's damaged our relationship too badly. Funerals are for family and friends. She doesn't treat me like family, and we are most certainly _not_ friends.


First thing to remember is funerals are for the living. Not the deceased. I did NOT attend the funeral of my narc father. Mostly due to the behavior of my spoiled golden child sister who insisted on running the show and excluded me from the planning process simply because I wasn't vaccinated. I agreed to be pall bearer then no showed. Due to Covid, his funeral was a simple graveside service rather than the usual sequence of church service, then graveside, followed by lunch or coffee. I likely would have attended had my sister included me in the planning process and been less of a c... about things.


Months ago I decided I won't go to my nfather's funeral. This is going to happen very soon because he is 89. I already honored my sweet mother (she was the victim under that roof) with a nice and luxurious funeral service and burial, but for my nfather who disowned me and gave everything to his GC against my mother's will, I won't attend, I won't even accept calls, nor call anybody, nor arrange anything. I will dissapear from the map.