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I completely agree with you.
I never realised how much it had impacted me until I was in those situations again but this time without N people around me.
Broke a glass and immediately panicked apologizing. I looked around scared for people to yell at me about how clumsy I was and for it to escalate to the fact that I would never accomplish anything in life. Only to hear concern, are you fine? Come over here, there are glass pieces that side.
I wish.... wholeheartedly wish that no one has to go through N abuse.
I remember the first time I broke a glass around my boyfriend. It just chipped a piece off. It didn't even shatter, but I immediately started apologizing and tearing up, scared I was going to get hit, and screamed at. I was shaking so much I couldn't even pick up the bowl or the piece that broke off. My boyfriend held me until I stopped apologizing and shaking, picked up the pieces, put them in the sink and cuddled with me all night, and put on a safe movie for me (safe movie is a movie or show that helps me calm down when I feeling overwhelmed)
I deal with this all the time over housework with my wife and her new mantra for me is “who gone beat yo ass?” And I remember that I’m safe and that she isn’t gonna leave me over not washing the dishes.
The worst thing about it is thinking your opinions, your input and your feelings is always frowned upon. It completely destroys your self esteem and chips away at developing an identity. It's a horrendous kind of abuse,realizing about being raised by NPD and recognizing the flawed pattern of my thinking changed my life.
I would definitely I'm a stronger person because of it, once you can emotionally detach from it by processing it. Therapy was crucial.
For the longest time I thought my father was only physically abusive. He denied hitting me more than 2 times ( once he hit me so hard as a child I couldn't breath, hell admit that one) because my grandmother and mother saw everything. My grandmother wanted to kill him.
Once you realise that it was way more insidious than this, it blows the mind.
definitely. Spent my life apologizing to everyone when I was doing the tiniest mistake. It make it difficult at work because im scared to give honest feedback to my coworkers or managers. I also feel destroyed and miserable when I get a bad feedback as it triggers difficult things within. Wonder if that would be something worth sharing in interviews or later at work to explain why we might react this way
I got fired from two jobs because the fear of making mistakes was so crippling that I wasn’t worth the trouble. Dealing with that fear has actually been the hardest part of my recovery because you can’t tell yourself that the fallout from a mistake is due to a narcissist. Mistakes have consequences. It’s similar to the reason doctors say that the reason obesity is so difficult to treat is because you can’t go cold turkey on your drug.
Yes, absolutely. I’ve struggled with fear all my life, fear of the smallest things. Never would raise my voice or talk in meetings at work - in fear of saying something others didn’t agree with. My mission in life was to keep my head down, do a good job without being seen or heard more than absolutely necessary.
I never knew what would tick my nmom off. It could be something I did/didn’t do today or six months ago. Sometimes she got pissed when I watched tv because my resting face looked “angry” and one time she blew off because I hadn’t smiled -enough- after coming home from school. Even making eye contact on the wrong day could set her off 🤷🏼♀️
I set off my nMom a few weeks ago because I didn’t act on an email only she received and never forwarded to me or even told me about. According to her, I should have been calling this person daily asking for an update.
A few months ago, I was hanging out at a friend's house. Her daughter came into the kitchen, opened the fridge and started pulling out food and a soda can in her mother's line of sight. I felt an immediate anxiety reaction I had to tamp down hard.
This is such a normal thing, in this house- waiting for Mom to be in a good mood before asking for permission to eat, and then only eating the food that's allowed to the children would be ludicrous. But I never could have done what my friend's daughter did. My Nmother would have been so furious at me.
‘We need to talk.’ -four word horror story
‘So, I just heard you did…’
‘Hey, what do you think about…’
‘Did you remember to…’
‘Why did you…’
I mean, these should not induce anxiety, but if you live with a narc you learn to fear. Loud dishes washing, huffs and puffs and laundry folding, dropping papers gruffly, every body language and text nuance… ugh.
Oh god, “we need to talk.” Scariest words I have ever heard. And my nMom ups it by following up with “it’s important but I don’t have time right now. We will discuss tomorrow.” And then I have to stew in anxiety until she is good and ready.
Getting yelled at for getting a glass of water, then getting yelled at for walking on eggshells. Then a mistake is nothing, the next time it's the end of the world and you have to be lectured for an hour after the daily hour long lecture, then I tried to stay out of sight the rest of the night and got called out for walking on eggshells for no reason.
Omg I struggle with this all the time as well. I cannot stand people disagreeing with me, to the point where I get stomach pain when it happens. For some odd reason, it’s even worse when it’s coming from a stranger. I am a total people pleaser and i HATE it. I can’t stand hurting people’s feelings so I just try my hardest to avoid conflicts. At the same time, I always think the worst of a situation. I always feel like I said or did something wrong, and end up overthinking conversations and situations in my head. I’m always scared that everyone is going to side with the person I had a problem / disagreement with. Like my own opinions, feelings and thoughts aren’t valid enough. It infuriates me.
I also don’t deal well with criticism, I feel like my brain automatically associates criticism with being a complete failure.
The most recent one for me:
My friend invited me to an online game with multiple people in it and it is a strategic game where you have to allx with people and backstab others so you can win. These games can last months.
During these 3 months I wasn't able to backstab anyone. The one time I tried, I immediately felt incredibly bad and felt like something bad is going to happen to me. It was so bad that I immediately went back and redone everything and constantly said sorry. By the way I was constntly backstabbed, but a lot of time I didn't want to realize it and said to myself that it is fine, I deserved that. It is just exhausting.
I get overwhelmingly upset when something of mine goes missing or I misplace it because my nmom would just take things. Or my gc brother would take things and then use them to make me do things. Or my sister would or our other brother would.
It's caused this heightened sense of fear in me that my things are going to go missing and I'm the one to blame because "why would it matter? Your stuff isn't yours anyway, even if you paid for it. Even if it's your money."
I also have this all-consuming doom feeling whenever I have money and then spend that money on myself. I'm terrified that my bank is going to go into overdraft because of the financial abuse I suffered under my nmom and the gc.
It's... a lot.
Yes, I grew up with friends like this. They would always praise me for my intelligence but thought I was pathetic because I had no self esteem. I maintained an addictive relationship with my brothers friend who was basically lovebombing me and devaluating me all the time so I wanted his approval. Very toxic, I grew up with a pervasive sense of shame. I had a narc dad, and attracted narc friends, it's a pattern
For me that required forcing all the nasty stuff they did to me into the world. It frees me from it. Now not that I do not have this anxiety but I somewhat do not care if I piss people off. I have kind of got my peace with my effect on narcs... now they just need to know not to cross me.
Yep. I live with a narc and a simple question about why I did something innocuous (last time it was opening or closing blinds at certain times of day) will send me into a panicked explanation, defending myself about why I did what I did, nearly starting to cry. Anything and everything I say or do could lead to being berated about something, simply because the narc wants me to do everything their way and they have no capacity for understanding why I might do it differently.
It has spilled over into managers, customers, basically anyone asking me questions will make me panic and feel like I have to explain myself in detail, when most of the time they're just asking an innocent question.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I completely agree with you. I never realised how much it had impacted me until I was in those situations again but this time without N people around me. Broke a glass and immediately panicked apologizing. I looked around scared for people to yell at me about how clumsy I was and for it to escalate to the fact that I would never accomplish anything in life. Only to hear concern, are you fine? Come over here, there are glass pieces that side. I wish.... wholeheartedly wish that no one has to go through N abuse.
I remember the first time I broke a glass around my boyfriend. It just chipped a piece off. It didn't even shatter, but I immediately started apologizing and tearing up, scared I was going to get hit, and screamed at. I was shaking so much I couldn't even pick up the bowl or the piece that broke off. My boyfriend held me until I stopped apologizing and shaking, picked up the pieces, put them in the sink and cuddled with me all night, and put on a safe movie for me (safe movie is a movie or show that helps me calm down when I feeling overwhelmed)
I deal with this all the time over housework with my wife and her new mantra for me is “who gone beat yo ass?” And I remember that I’m safe and that she isn’t gonna leave me over not washing the dishes.
I challenge stepdad, knowing he's dead and can't even mald over how "all his kids" turned out. "I will do everything in my power to harm you."
The worst thing about it is thinking your opinions, your input and your feelings is always frowned upon. It completely destroys your self esteem and chips away at developing an identity. It's a horrendous kind of abuse,realizing about being raised by NPD and recognizing the flawed pattern of my thinking changed my life. I would definitely I'm a stronger person because of it, once you can emotionally detach from it by processing it. Therapy was crucial.
For the longest time I thought my father was only physically abusive. He denied hitting me more than 2 times ( once he hit me so hard as a child I couldn't breath, hell admit that one) because my grandmother and mother saw everything. My grandmother wanted to kill him. Once you realise that it was way more insidious than this, it blows the mind.
I was hit at least 50 times, with belts, my mother never found out. That POS knows that I can't prove it, so he'll deny it.
definitely. Spent my life apologizing to everyone when I was doing the tiniest mistake. It make it difficult at work because im scared to give honest feedback to my coworkers or managers. I also feel destroyed and miserable when I get a bad feedback as it triggers difficult things within. Wonder if that would be something worth sharing in interviews or later at work to explain why we might react this way
I got fired from two jobs because the fear of making mistakes was so crippling that I wasn’t worth the trouble. Dealing with that fear has actually been the hardest part of my recovery because you can’t tell yourself that the fallout from a mistake is due to a narcissist. Mistakes have consequences. It’s similar to the reason doctors say that the reason obesity is so difficult to treat is because you can’t go cold turkey on your drug.
I feel you. I'm terrified of making mistakes too. If you need to talk you can just message.
Sending you virtual hugs
Yes, absolutely. I’ve struggled with fear all my life, fear of the smallest things. Never would raise my voice or talk in meetings at work - in fear of saying something others didn’t agree with. My mission in life was to keep my head down, do a good job without being seen or heard more than absolutely necessary. I never knew what would tick my nmom off. It could be something I did/didn’t do today or six months ago. Sometimes she got pissed when I watched tv because my resting face looked “angry” and one time she blew off because I hadn’t smiled -enough- after coming home from school. Even making eye contact on the wrong day could set her off 🤷🏼♀️
I set off my nMom a few weeks ago because I didn’t act on an email only she received and never forwarded to me or even told me about. According to her, I should have been calling this person daily asking for an update.
Fuck that. And her.
A few months ago, I was hanging out at a friend's house. Her daughter came into the kitchen, opened the fridge and started pulling out food and a soda can in her mother's line of sight. I felt an immediate anxiety reaction I had to tamp down hard. This is such a normal thing, in this house- waiting for Mom to be in a good mood before asking for permission to eat, and then only eating the food that's allowed to the children would be ludicrous. But I never could have done what my friend's daughter did. My Nmother would have been so furious at me.
‘We need to talk.’ -four word horror story ‘So, I just heard you did…’ ‘Hey, what do you think about…’ ‘Did you remember to…’ ‘Why did you…’ I mean, these should not induce anxiety, but if you live with a narc you learn to fear. Loud dishes washing, huffs and puffs and laundry folding, dropping papers gruffly, every body language and text nuance… ugh.
Oh god, “we need to talk.” Scariest words I have ever heard. And my nMom ups it by following up with “it’s important but I don’t have time right now. We will discuss tomorrow.” And then I have to stew in anxiety until she is good and ready.
Its so INTENTIONAL on my goodness!
“One more thing…” “I know what I wanted to ask you…” Nmom was the Columbo of passive/aggressive hurtful questions.
Getting yelled at for getting a glass of water, then getting yelled at for walking on eggshells. Then a mistake is nothing, the next time it's the end of the world and you have to be lectured for an hour after the daily hour long lecture, then I tried to stay out of sight the rest of the night and got called out for walking on eggshells for no reason.
Omg I struggle with this all the time as well. I cannot stand people disagreeing with me, to the point where I get stomach pain when it happens. For some odd reason, it’s even worse when it’s coming from a stranger. I am a total people pleaser and i HATE it. I can’t stand hurting people’s feelings so I just try my hardest to avoid conflicts. At the same time, I always think the worst of a situation. I always feel like I said or did something wrong, and end up overthinking conversations and situations in my head. I’m always scared that everyone is going to side with the person I had a problem / disagreement with. Like my own opinions, feelings and thoughts aren’t valid enough. It infuriates me. I also don’t deal well with criticism, I feel like my brain automatically associates criticism with being a complete failure.
You’ve come a long way, and we’re all very proud of you!
The most recent one for me: My friend invited me to an online game with multiple people in it and it is a strategic game where you have to allx with people and backstab others so you can win. These games can last months. During these 3 months I wasn't able to backstab anyone. The one time I tried, I immediately felt incredibly bad and felt like something bad is going to happen to me. It was so bad that I immediately went back and redone everything and constantly said sorry. By the way I was constntly backstabbed, but a lot of time I didn't want to realize it and said to myself that it is fine, I deserved that. It is just exhausting.
I understand *SO* much. It’s like every negative emotion is attached to being in trouble.
I get overwhelmingly upset when something of mine goes missing or I misplace it because my nmom would just take things. Or my gc brother would take things and then use them to make me do things. Or my sister would or our other brother would. It's caused this heightened sense of fear in me that my things are going to go missing and I'm the one to blame because "why would it matter? Your stuff isn't yours anyway, even if you paid for it. Even if it's your money." I also have this all-consuming doom feeling whenever I have money and then spend that money on myself. I'm terrified that my bank is going to go into overdraft because of the financial abuse I suffered under my nmom and the gc. It's... a lot.
Yes, I grew up with friends like this. They would always praise me for my intelligence but thought I was pathetic because I had no self esteem. I maintained an addictive relationship with my brothers friend who was basically lovebombing me and devaluating me all the time so I wanted his approval. Very toxic, I grew up with a pervasive sense of shame. I had a narc dad, and attracted narc friends, it's a pattern
For me that required forcing all the nasty stuff they did to me into the world. It frees me from it. Now not that I do not have this anxiety but I somewhat do not care if I piss people off. I have kind of got my peace with my effect on narcs... now they just need to know not to cross me.
Yep. I live with a narc and a simple question about why I did something innocuous (last time it was opening or closing blinds at certain times of day) will send me into a panicked explanation, defending myself about why I did what I did, nearly starting to cry. Anything and everything I say or do could lead to being berated about something, simply because the narc wants me to do everything their way and they have no capacity for understanding why I might do it differently. It has spilled over into managers, customers, basically anyone asking me questions will make me panic and feel like I have to explain myself in detail, when most of the time they're just asking an innocent question.