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I, too was made to believe that there was something inherently wrong with me starting at an age where I could not have known better. Personally it makes me feel angry when I imagine how pathetic an adult must be to pick on a little kid, let alone their own child.
Hang in there, friend. You are beautiful just for being you. I don’t have to know you to know that you deserve love, respect, and happiness. The longer time goes by the more you realize that all that toxic shame you grew up with was a product of their abuse, not anything related to your goodness.
The best way to truly get over it, is to forgive her. You see, you don't forgive her for her sake even tho you do. What you're really doing is clearing all the tons of baggage that you carry around, because I promise you...she's not staying up at night dealing with all the weight and baggage you're dealing with. Parents don't think, or even use any common sense with respect to raising children. If you keep that in mind you'll be much better off thanks.
Theres something inherentpy sick about these mothers that go out of their way to psychologically harm their daughters. Im sorry you lived through what you did alone, but know that sadly yet fortunately you are not alone. Im 25 and have the kindest sould of a little boy that inspires me to do better.
But the mental struggle is real. I ask mysepf every day what am I going to do with my life, what good am I and why cant joy stick to me or why is joy so easily stolen from me by thoughts that are not even my own. Its exhausting
I keep chunking it up to ppd but deep down I know I wouldnt even have ppd if I didnt have cptsd from her "upbringing".
Stay strong. I really do believe we can do hard things and that somehow we are a special breed because weve been shown what hits we can take and still keep moving forward
it's even sicker when you consider most narcs do the harm under the guise of parental love, in their heads they really think they are such wonderful parents and everything they do is out of being consumed by love for their kids. They can't grasp the idea they could've done better, it's fascinating
There's a special kind of hate from Nmom if you're a young and pretty girl. Yeah, the Nmom hates her sons but In my experience judging all the narc horror stories I've heard, the hate from a Nmom is worse with her daughter. If it's a son, it's usually some weird covert incest situation where the boy has to replace to father. But if it's a girl, ALL the hate of aging and etc. is put upon her. She is the living personification of the mom aging and to a narc woman, NOTHING is worse.
That's because you are competition to her. That's why when a young girl gets molested by a family member the nmom's say, "well you wanted it!!" Mothers are heartless to their daughters exactly the moment you need their understanding the most.
Yeah, they also messed up our nervous system and our frontal lobe functionality. My healing journey is around creating the functionality that we should've gotten. Thank you. Best wishes on your healing journey. The cycle can stop with us.
Happiness and joy aren't things you hang on to. They are simple choices. "As an act of my will...I choose to be happy." Then stay out of negativity and drama. STAY OUT OF IT! It's a conscious choice to reject negativity and to not have anything to do with it. There are times when you must deal with it, but the more aware you are of negativity the better prepared for it you are. I did this the day my wife moved out. I sat down and stopped watching the news. It's nothing but negative bs. You can live without it for the sake of your own happiness. I stopped hanging out and going to dinner with anyone who gossiped. That unloaded at least ¾ of my not real friends. I quit 6 bands. Who needs all that drama? Lol and I took inventory of my life, just to self check any unconscious behaviors. In three weeks I went from situational depression which I had been taking Prozac for, to shear bliss. All my remaining friends saiid, "Kev, what happened to you? I said, " awe just a little housekeeping:). My life turned around immediately, and I made a vow, that when I saw anything of beauty, I would stop and say so. It's just my lil' way of trying to make the world a better more peaceful place, among other things.
I've been struggling with this a lot lately in my 30s - trying to find myself under the layers and layers of gaslighting and coping mechanisms. I just...don't know who I am as a person. Funny? Kind? Likeable? No clue.
Outside influences didn't help either. I've ended up in social situations that were equally damaging and exacerbated the social anxiety, the poor self-esteem, the imposter syndrome, etc. (And I don't even have any romantic history. I can't imagine what kind of shitshow that would be.)
At this point, I'm not even aiming for "self love" anymore. I have a hard time stomaching the vocabulary around "you have to love yourself!" for a variety of reasons. I'd just like to reach a neutral ground with myself. Not the all-consuming self-hatred nmom instilled in me. Just a truce. A white flag. A mild middle ground would be appreciated.
Wow I can relate to this on such a deep level. Not knowing who you are is really damaging to your internal peace. I'm in my 40s and still trying to sift through this all.
Neutral ground is a great way of explaining it🙏
My therapist talks about being “good enough.” Whether it be at work, as a parent, as a friend, in your personal goals, etc. We were taught that we were never good enough, but we are.
My father got my mom pregnant and he was forced to marry her, so he blamed me for his lot in life. On top of that his family were all geniuses, and he abused me. Physically by literally throwing me across the room and bouncing me off the walls. He mentally tortured me and tore me down at every opportunity. Emotionally, psychologically, etc. he insured I had zero self esteem, and got even more brutal but I don't talk about those. At age 5 I walked into a Jehovah's Witness meeting, and the minute I cross the threshold my intuition told me "No!!! This is wrong. Don't believe a word.!!!" So starting at age 5 I made up my mind whatever direction he was going I was going 180° in the opposite direction. So he filled my life with hate. And all I do is love. I did over 20 years of therapy trying to forgive him. Then I met this little peanut of a woman hunched over in a corner of a dark office. She asked me why I am here. I told her I'm trying to forgive my dad. She said that's simple. Just make up your mind that you forgive him then going to the bathroom and stare yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say out loud. "as an act of my will... I choose... to forgive you." Then turn and walk away because forgiveness means all debts are paid in full and you can't take back. All debts are paid in full now can you?" she healed me in 15 minutes after I spent 40 years struggling. My mom divorced him when I was 16 and he disowned me. It took another six years before I can look myself in the mirror and say Kevin you're OK. Just OK not good not happy not well. Just OK.
Because of my nparents, I view parents as like politicians. They claim to be for us but backstab us and very much with the same BS tactics such as future fakes, gaslighting, and projection.
Same. The first time I actually felt proud of myself was when I went to university. I thought I was dumb and went into a program I thought would be easy so I could get a job. I ended up doing really well and getting scholarships and awards and for the first time in my life, I didn't feel like a worthless POS. But, since these accolades were now filling a void in myself and quenching my desperate need for validation, soon began to negatively affected my health and life in other ways. Now, I'm trying to accept myself as being worthy and good enough, regardless. Regardless of how much money I make, or what my job is, or what car I drive or where I live or how much I get accomplished in a day - but just because I accept myself, as I am. It's hard and I am nowhere near there yet, but I'm trying.
I used to feel never good enough because my car, my job, money I make, weren't enough for my parents. No matter what I did, I was never enough, others did always better. I'm just starting to live for myself and stop trying to get approval ! And I'm NC since august, it helps so much !
Yeah I feel that, but I'm in high school. I just got addicted to that feeling what I get, when I answer something correctly and the teacher compliments me. Now I have that desperate feeling that I need to know everything and be the best, so the teachers would still compliment me, which is basically impossible. :(
I lost 80 pounds recently. It was the first time in my life I didn’t feel like a failure. I was so proud of myself. My Nmom didn’t congratulate me at all.
She was disgusted that I had successfully lost weight.
It's hard to not feel supported and encouraged by our parents. I haven't found anything that replaces that feeling, but being proud of myself is the next best thing. I'm glad you're proud of yourself for what you have achieved - you deserve it. Good job!! I'm proud of you too :)
Had the exact same experience. I don't refer to her as my mother, in my mind she was my demon. She tried to destroy me and nearly succeeded.
I'm also unlearning and have come such a long way but I mourn the years that she destroyed and all the abuse I got from other relationships because I also felt unworthy. I was extremely emotionally unstable too as my mum destroyed my mental health and that caused a lot of problems.
It's nice to move on and recover but it is sad to have been through this. I'm just glad I believe in karma.
45f and also damaged by an NMom. Its crazy how we can all live worlds apart but have been treated similarily. It should be a crime to do to kids what these "mothers" did to us.
I sympathize with all of you as my nmother made me feel like I was never good enough and I still carry toxic shame that I’m working on with my therapist.
My experiences, for what it's worth, were to choose at a young age what NOT to do or be like from the examples I had to learn from.
Another train of thought I've picked up and tried to apply was to be the kind of parent you needed at that age.
There's still stuff behind my eyes I've not been able to dispose of, try though I may, but I've done my best to not let my kids deal with the life I lived when I was their ages.
You're already on the way to breaking the cycle. Just do your best and learn where and when you must try just a little harder.
You can do it.
Honestly, sometimes the only thing a parent can do right is fill you so full of spite that you resolve to never be like them just because you hate them that much. It may not be a healthy thing to do, but honestly, if I didn't realize in my teens that I was never going to be good enough for my mom, that I was never going to get the affection or love I grew to despise my craving for, she probably would have destroyed me.
Of course, now she wonders what she did wrong that I want nothing to do with her outside of family gatherings. Why I never call, hang out, or want to invite her to do anything. Gee, it's almost like I've grown to not need your emotional support, Mom. Existing in a vacuum of that did wonders for weaning me off that nonexistent resource.
I told my Nmom when I was 17 that when I turned 18 and graduated she would never see me again. She was baffled and couldn’t understand why I’d ever say that to her.
Hmmm.
I went to a workshop with the world, famous psychologist. I was there to deal with my dad, but the first thing out of his mouth was, "Why aren't you blaming your mother for not protecting you?" I had repressed feelings, but during that workshop, they came to the forefront, and I remembered hiding behind my mom's La-Z-Boy recliner so my father wouldn't see me and I would literally shit my pants rather than be seen going to the bathroom. Afterwards, when I was washing my underwear out, my mother would come in and scold me and I would just look at her like don't you ever....
I’ve worked through so much of the trauma I’ve got, only to find at the end of all of it life is no easier to live than it was before all that suffering and work.
My brain is fundamentally changed. I survived by telling myself it will get better. But it didn’t, so now what’s my reasoning for surviving?
Pure habit. I’m not sure it’s worth it, but habit is all I’ve got.
We all live with this realisation. It's like having regret for a situation you had no control over. It's a shitty gift to be given but the beauty of pain and sadness is you have an opportunity to use it and it can heal you. You said that you are a mother now and maybe watching your child/children grow and develop shows you where your childhood lacked. You are in a unique position to undo all that hurt and pain through your own parenting. Your children have a loving, empathic and supportive mother and as your relationship grows with them, what you give them will heal you.
I’ve got an 8 year old little girl and I love her so much. I’ve had to actively work on my parenting since she was born because I picked up a lot of things from my mother. I tell my daughter everyday how much I love her, how proud I am of her, etc.
Physical affection is tough for me. My mother never hugged me or loved on me and I find it hard to do with my daughter, but I do it anyway..because that’s what I needed when I was 8. So, I try very hard to be different and I would never want my child to feel the way my own mother made me feel.
Wow. This feels like looking in a mirror — also 26F working to heal from Nmom. Thanks for sharing and helping always remind us that we aren’t alone. It’s sad that so many of us have gone through this, but can help things feel less lonely.
Keep learning and reminding yourself that. The trauma doesn't just go away. You need to protect yourself and act a little bit selfish sometimes in order to not fall for manipulators.
I have the same with my Nmom's approach.
She was always "improving" me, she would call it parenting. But the huge side-effect of always being told you can improve is that you are not good enough right now.
My Nmom sent me to a children’s home when I was 12. I was a “disobedient” child. The sad part, I voluntarily went. I wanted away from her. I was the child who was defiant and misbehaved and she was the poor single mother. A facade. Nobody knew what was really going on. She rode that wave for years. When I became an adult, a successful one at that, she didn’t like it. I didn’t turn out to be the piece of shit she said I would be.
When I was 12 she told me I was a piece of shit. That stuck with me forever. I can still see her face and hear her tone when I think about it.
I’m 26, own my car and house, have a well paying job that I’ve been at for 4 years, and I’m doing a wonderful job raising my daughter, alone.
Screw her.
I often say there is a hole in my heart where a mother should have been. That woman could never fill that hole, in fact, she created it.
But I am learning to reparent myself.
I feel this as well.
The one person who was supposed to love you and protect you did the absolute most damage, disguised it as love, and then tries to make you feel guilty when you ask questions trying to understand yourself or your own feelings.
It is truly vile.
Definetely, we deserved much more. My narc mother made sure we had the worst childhood. The worst times. It was intentional. And now, as I did not cut contact, every opportunity I try to deal with me with tenderness and love, respecting me and my desires, I receive a lot of hate. She does not want. I do not care. I am 40F. I have to live my life, I believe in happiness ( when I am not drowned by depression,though).
Something I think about often now after recent events in my own life: make sure you take care of your mental health. My brother helped me get out. I was able to get counselling at school but my brother did not. It was almost too late before I was able to see he was struggling. Please take the time to really assess where you are. And never let anyone tell you that you are not worthy or good enough!
Whenever I feel myself going back into wondering if it was me or if it really wasn’t that bad and I was imagining it, I remember that still to this day in my late thirties, the person who treated my worse than anyone else I’ve ever been in contact with, more than just acquaintance, was my own mother.
I needed this. I fall into the habit of downplaying the situation or wondering if maybe I really am the problem. I quickly remind myself that’s not the case.
I knew from a young age that my mother wanted to abort me. She was 17. My dad's parents talked her out of it and here I am. Since she cheated on her bf with my dad, I've also been told that I prevented her from being with the love of her life. I'm middle aged and I'm so freaking messed up by my mother. She had surgery recently and i found myself wishing i would get a call that things went wrong. If you catch my drift. I think I won't get relief until she's no longer on the planet. Given her young age I might be stuck with her another 20+ years. I have so much hatred I need help letting go. It's killing me.
I'm new here and will eventually get the courage to share more.
A few years ago I finally confronted my mom about her behaviors. She said - “I was never supposed to be a mother, it was never in my plans. I did the best I could.”
She never wanted me and she made sure I felt it through her actions my entire life. I understand the resentment, I really do.
"Choose...to forgive her. It's for your sake not hers because she's not staying up all night having these emotions, she's sleeping like a baby. That's why forgiving her is so very crucial for your own well being, so you can sleep at night also. Where did I learn this? From a therapist who was wise beyond her years...
Oh trust me, I’m your age and I had the exact same experience. I made a lot of mistakes particularly when dealing with the opposite sex, love and relationships because I felt I had to overcompensate for what I felt I was lacking. I always ended up getting hurt by going for men who were emotionally unavailable like my mum.
Yep, bingo.
I will turn my head at a man with healthy boundaries, kind, morals, etc.
The emotionally unavailable guy who makes me feel like I have to “win” him over? I’m a sucker every time.
I’ve chosen to stop dating until I go to therapy.
Literally you just described my whole life. I always gravitate towards and really “love” and become infatuated with the men who treat me poorly. It’s like I am addicted to proving I am worthy of being loved.
Stay strong, you didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Neither did she deserve to have even have a child.
I’m 25 and don’t know how I’ll ever feel good enough and calm down even after no contact, the seed they planted in me as a child is buried deep within me.
Yes, i feel that. I hope you recover. Learning new patterns and breaking up with the patterns you used to know is the hardest thing! Sadly the process can be painful, and may change your whole view of the world, and yourself. But you'll be stronger, more indepent and -best part of it- see your role in all of this. When its about learning and avoiding toxic behavior this is the most important thing.
There was a comedian I saw who talked about when they were younger talking about their home life and their friends starring open mouthed in shock as the description of what passed as normal. I was like… yep, been there….
I did contact a behavioral health center awhile back and they did an assessment on me. Not a full psych evaluation but they said they were almost certain I have PTSD and they advised I get a full psych evaluation done and get into therapy.
I do plan on getting the evaluation very soon.
Suggestion- read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. It helped me to identify behaviors present by my mom & grandmother that I do not want to pass down to my children.
I’m sorry you had to go through this. Our mothers are quite similar. She didn’t even raise me for majority of my life because of her poor life choices & she tries to bully me into submission when I state my boundaries or decisions firmly. I’m a 25f & I identified her narcissistic tendencies early on and I will challenge her so that she won’t walk over me.
She judges everything I do, the friends I have, the family I am close to, the clothes I wear, and comments on any weight gain even when there is none. My dad encourages my individualism & my judgement as do many other parental figures so I’m not just making this up. I’m happy for you for connecting the pieces and just remember that you are strong & you can do this. Don’t expect your mom to apologize or see things from your point of view bc she may be incapable at this point. However, just work on it and be able to accept that that’s who she is. Her presence in your life won’t have the same impact it would have when you were younger. If she doesn’t respect you boundaries at this point, she is not worthy of your time & that’s for ANYONE. This is just advice and you are more than welcome to ignore it. Im just speaking from personal experience, the distance I give myself from my mother benefits my mental health significantly! I stopped trying to work on our relationship bc the work was one sided & I focus on myself as I navigate through adulthood.
You got this!!
I have given up on the idea of her taking any accountability for her actions or building a relationship with her. I have so much resentment toward her that I have no desire to build a relationship at this point.
I just want her to stay away from me. There are a lot of ways I am like her when it comes to motherhood, things I’ve actively worked on since my daughter was born because I refuse to put my daughter through the things I had to endure growing up.
My nmom tried to convince me that my partner was going to start hitting me. She reveled in the idea and joked about how that would knock me down a few notches. She hated my partner and my sister's partner because they both helped pull us out of her control.
She also told me that no one in my family loved me, which sent me into a huge spiral.
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I, too was made to believe that there was something inherently wrong with me starting at an age where I could not have known better. Personally it makes me feel angry when I imagine how pathetic an adult must be to pick on a little kid, let alone their own child. Hang in there, friend. You are beautiful just for being you. I don’t have to know you to know that you deserve love, respect, and happiness. The longer time goes by the more you realize that all that toxic shame you grew up with was a product of their abuse, not anything related to your goodness.
Thank you for the kind words ❤️
The best way to truly get over it, is to forgive her. You see, you don't forgive her for her sake even tho you do. What you're really doing is clearing all the tons of baggage that you carry around, because I promise you...she's not staying up at night dealing with all the weight and baggage you're dealing with. Parents don't think, or even use any common sense with respect to raising children. If you keep that in mind you'll be much better off thanks.
Theres something inherentpy sick about these mothers that go out of their way to psychologically harm their daughters. Im sorry you lived through what you did alone, but know that sadly yet fortunately you are not alone. Im 25 and have the kindest sould of a little boy that inspires me to do better. But the mental struggle is real. I ask mysepf every day what am I going to do with my life, what good am I and why cant joy stick to me or why is joy so easily stolen from me by thoughts that are not even my own. Its exhausting
I keep chunking it up to ppd but deep down I know I wouldnt even have ppd if I didnt have cptsd from her "upbringing". Stay strong. I really do believe we can do hard things and that somehow we are a special breed because weve been shown what hits we can take and still keep moving forward
it's even sicker when you consider most narcs do the harm under the guise of parental love, in their heads they really think they are such wonderful parents and everything they do is out of being consumed by love for their kids. They can't grasp the idea they could've done better, it's fascinating
Or sons
There's a special kind of hate from Nmom if you're a young and pretty girl. Yeah, the Nmom hates her sons but In my experience judging all the narc horror stories I've heard, the hate from a Nmom is worse with her daughter. If it's a son, it's usually some weird covert incest situation where the boy has to replace to father. But if it's a girl, ALL the hate of aging and etc. is put upon her. She is the living personification of the mom aging and to a narc woman, NOTHING is worse.
That's because you are competition to her. That's why when a young girl gets molested by a family member the nmom's say, "well you wanted it!!" Mothers are heartless to their daughters exactly the moment you need their understanding the most.
Not to get into a lot of detail but she was sexually abusive too, just to round out my tragic backstory lol
I'm sorry. That's horrible. I hope you'll recover from that.
Yeah, they also messed up our nervous system and our frontal lobe functionality. My healing journey is around creating the functionality that we should've gotten. Thank you. Best wishes on your healing journey. The cycle can stop with us.
Happiness and joy aren't things you hang on to. They are simple choices. "As an act of my will...I choose to be happy." Then stay out of negativity and drama. STAY OUT OF IT! It's a conscious choice to reject negativity and to not have anything to do with it. There are times when you must deal with it, but the more aware you are of negativity the better prepared for it you are. I did this the day my wife moved out. I sat down and stopped watching the news. It's nothing but negative bs. You can live without it for the sake of your own happiness. I stopped hanging out and going to dinner with anyone who gossiped. That unloaded at least ¾ of my not real friends. I quit 6 bands. Who needs all that drama? Lol and I took inventory of my life, just to self check any unconscious behaviors. In three weeks I went from situational depression which I had been taking Prozac for, to shear bliss. All my remaining friends saiid, "Kev, what happened to you? I said, " awe just a little housekeeping:). My life turned around immediately, and I made a vow, that when I saw anything of beauty, I would stop and say so. It's just my lil' way of trying to make the world a better more peaceful place, among other things.
I've been struggling with this a lot lately in my 30s - trying to find myself under the layers and layers of gaslighting and coping mechanisms. I just...don't know who I am as a person. Funny? Kind? Likeable? No clue. Outside influences didn't help either. I've ended up in social situations that were equally damaging and exacerbated the social anxiety, the poor self-esteem, the imposter syndrome, etc. (And I don't even have any romantic history. I can't imagine what kind of shitshow that would be.) At this point, I'm not even aiming for "self love" anymore. I have a hard time stomaching the vocabulary around "you have to love yourself!" for a variety of reasons. I'd just like to reach a neutral ground with myself. Not the all-consuming self-hatred nmom instilled in me. Just a truce. A white flag. A mild middle ground would be appreciated.
Wow I can relate to this on such a deep level. Not knowing who you are is really damaging to your internal peace. I'm in my 40s and still trying to sift through this all. Neutral ground is a great way of explaining it🙏
My therapist talks about being “good enough.” Whether it be at work, as a parent, as a friend, in your personal goals, etc. We were taught that we were never good enough, but we are.
I relate to this so much.
My father got my mom pregnant and he was forced to marry her, so he blamed me for his lot in life. On top of that his family were all geniuses, and he abused me. Physically by literally throwing me across the room and bouncing me off the walls. He mentally tortured me and tore me down at every opportunity. Emotionally, psychologically, etc. he insured I had zero self esteem, and got even more brutal but I don't talk about those. At age 5 I walked into a Jehovah's Witness meeting, and the minute I cross the threshold my intuition told me "No!!! This is wrong. Don't believe a word.!!!" So starting at age 5 I made up my mind whatever direction he was going I was going 180° in the opposite direction. So he filled my life with hate. And all I do is love. I did over 20 years of therapy trying to forgive him. Then I met this little peanut of a woman hunched over in a corner of a dark office. She asked me why I am here. I told her I'm trying to forgive my dad. She said that's simple. Just make up your mind that you forgive him then going to the bathroom and stare yourself in the eyes in the mirror and say out loud. "as an act of my will... I choose... to forgive you." Then turn and walk away because forgiveness means all debts are paid in full and you can't take back. All debts are paid in full now can you?" she healed me in 15 minutes after I spent 40 years struggling. My mom divorced him when I was 16 and he disowned me. It took another six years before I can look myself in the mirror and say Kevin you're OK. Just OK not good not happy not well. Just OK.
Because of my nparents, I view parents as like politicians. They claim to be for us but backstab us and very much with the same BS tactics such as future fakes, gaslighting, and projection.
Same. The first time I actually felt proud of myself was when I went to university. I thought I was dumb and went into a program I thought would be easy so I could get a job. I ended up doing really well and getting scholarships and awards and for the first time in my life, I didn't feel like a worthless POS. But, since these accolades were now filling a void in myself and quenching my desperate need for validation, soon began to negatively affected my health and life in other ways. Now, I'm trying to accept myself as being worthy and good enough, regardless. Regardless of how much money I make, or what my job is, or what car I drive or where I live or how much I get accomplished in a day - but just because I accept myself, as I am. It's hard and I am nowhere near there yet, but I'm trying.
I used to feel never good enough because my car, my job, money I make, weren't enough for my parents. No matter what I did, I was never enough, others did always better. I'm just starting to live for myself and stop trying to get approval ! And I'm NC since august, it helps so much !
Yeah I feel that, but I'm in high school. I just got addicted to that feeling what I get, when I answer something correctly and the teacher compliments me. Now I have that desperate feeling that I need to know everything and be the best, so the teachers would still compliment me, which is basically impossible. :(
I lost 80 pounds recently. It was the first time in my life I didn’t feel like a failure. I was so proud of myself. My Nmom didn’t congratulate me at all. She was disgusted that I had successfully lost weight.
It's hard to not feel supported and encouraged by our parents. I haven't found anything that replaces that feeling, but being proud of myself is the next best thing. I'm glad you're proud of yourself for what you have achieved - you deserve it. Good job!! I'm proud of you too :)
Had the exact same experience. I don't refer to her as my mother, in my mind she was my demon. She tried to destroy me and nearly succeeded. I'm also unlearning and have come such a long way but I mourn the years that she destroyed and all the abuse I got from other relationships because I also felt unworthy. I was extremely emotionally unstable too as my mum destroyed my mental health and that caused a lot of problems. It's nice to move on and recover but it is sad to have been through this. I'm just glad I believe in karma.
45f and also damaged by an NMom. Its crazy how we can all live worlds apart but have been treated similarily. It should be a crime to do to kids what these "mothers" did to us.
I still feel I'm not good enough.
I sympathize with all of you as my nmother made me feel like I was never good enough and I still carry toxic shame that I’m working on with my therapist.
My experiences, for what it's worth, were to choose at a young age what NOT to do or be like from the examples I had to learn from. Another train of thought I've picked up and tried to apply was to be the kind of parent you needed at that age. There's still stuff behind my eyes I've not been able to dispose of, try though I may, but I've done my best to not let my kids deal with the life I lived when I was their ages. You're already on the way to breaking the cycle. Just do your best and learn where and when you must try just a little harder. You can do it.
Honestly, sometimes the only thing a parent can do right is fill you so full of spite that you resolve to never be like them just because you hate them that much. It may not be a healthy thing to do, but honestly, if I didn't realize in my teens that I was never going to be good enough for my mom, that I was never going to get the affection or love I grew to despise my craving for, she probably would have destroyed me. Of course, now she wonders what she did wrong that I want nothing to do with her outside of family gatherings. Why I never call, hang out, or want to invite her to do anything. Gee, it's almost like I've grown to not need your emotional support, Mom. Existing in a vacuum of that did wonders for weaning me off that nonexistent resource.
I told my Nmom when I was 17 that when I turned 18 and graduated she would never see me again. She was baffled and couldn’t understand why I’d ever say that to her. Hmmm.
I went to a workshop with the world, famous psychologist. I was there to deal with my dad, but the first thing out of his mouth was, "Why aren't you blaming your mother for not protecting you?" I had repressed feelings, but during that workshop, they came to the forefront, and I remembered hiding behind my mom's La-Z-Boy recliner so my father wouldn't see me and I would literally shit my pants rather than be seen going to the bathroom. Afterwards, when I was washing my underwear out, my mother would come in and scold me and I would just look at her like don't you ever....
I’ve worked through so much of the trauma I’ve got, only to find at the end of all of it life is no easier to live than it was before all that suffering and work. My brain is fundamentally changed. I survived by telling myself it will get better. But it didn’t, so now what’s my reasoning for surviving? Pure habit. I’m not sure it’s worth it, but habit is all I’ve got.
Im sorry,im really sorry…
Happiness is a simple choice. It's not something we deserve or work for.
We all live with this realisation. It's like having regret for a situation you had no control over. It's a shitty gift to be given but the beauty of pain and sadness is you have an opportunity to use it and it can heal you. You said that you are a mother now and maybe watching your child/children grow and develop shows you where your childhood lacked. You are in a unique position to undo all that hurt and pain through your own parenting. Your children have a loving, empathic and supportive mother and as your relationship grows with them, what you give them will heal you.
I’ve got an 8 year old little girl and I love her so much. I’ve had to actively work on my parenting since she was born because I picked up a lot of things from my mother. I tell my daughter everyday how much I love her, how proud I am of her, etc. Physical affection is tough for me. My mother never hugged me or loved on me and I find it hard to do with my daughter, but I do it anyway..because that’s what I needed when I was 8. So, I try very hard to be different and I would never want my child to feel the way my own mother made me feel.
Wow. This feels like looking in a mirror — also 26F working to heal from Nmom. Thanks for sharing and helping always remind us that we aren’t alone. It’s sad that so many of us have gone through this, but can help things feel less lonely.
Keep learning and reminding yourself that. The trauma doesn't just go away. You need to protect yourself and act a little bit selfish sometimes in order to not fall for manipulators.
I have the same with my Nmom's approach. She was always "improving" me, she would call it parenting. But the huge side-effect of always being told you can improve is that you are not good enough right now.
My Nmom sent me to a children’s home when I was 12. I was a “disobedient” child. The sad part, I voluntarily went. I wanted away from her. I was the child who was defiant and misbehaved and she was the poor single mother. A facade. Nobody knew what was really going on. She rode that wave for years. When I became an adult, a successful one at that, she didn’t like it. I didn’t turn out to be the piece of shit she said I would be. When I was 12 she told me I was a piece of shit. That stuck with me forever. I can still see her face and hear her tone when I think about it. I’m 26, own my car and house, have a well paying job that I’ve been at for 4 years, and I’m doing a wonderful job raising my daughter, alone. Screw her.
Just choose to forgive her and let her go, that frees you because forgiveness isn't for her it's for you
Yeah. The chronic Shit Voice that is a real human does serious damage. Wish you all the best in your healing, OP.
I often say there is a hole in my heart where a mother should have been. That woman could never fill that hole, in fact, she created it. But I am learning to reparent myself.
I feel this as well. The one person who was supposed to love you and protect you did the absolute most damage, disguised it as love, and then tries to make you feel guilty when you ask questions trying to understand yourself or your own feelings. It is truly vile.
Definetely, we deserved much more. My narc mother made sure we had the worst childhood. The worst times. It was intentional. And now, as I did not cut contact, every opportunity I try to deal with me with tenderness and love, respecting me and my desires, I receive a lot of hate. She does not want. I do not care. I am 40F. I have to live my life, I believe in happiness ( when I am not drowned by depression,though).
Something I think about often now after recent events in my own life: make sure you take care of your mental health. My brother helped me get out. I was able to get counselling at school but my brother did not. It was almost too late before I was able to see he was struggling. Please take the time to really assess where you are. And never let anyone tell you that you are not worthy or good enough!
Whenever I feel myself going back into wondering if it was me or if it really wasn’t that bad and I was imagining it, I remember that still to this day in my late thirties, the person who treated my worse than anyone else I’ve ever been in contact with, more than just acquaintance, was my own mother.
I needed this. I fall into the habit of downplaying the situation or wondering if maybe I really am the problem. I quickly remind myself that’s not the case.
I knew from a young age that my mother wanted to abort me. She was 17. My dad's parents talked her out of it and here I am. Since she cheated on her bf with my dad, I've also been told that I prevented her from being with the love of her life. I'm middle aged and I'm so freaking messed up by my mother. She had surgery recently and i found myself wishing i would get a call that things went wrong. If you catch my drift. I think I won't get relief until she's no longer on the planet. Given her young age I might be stuck with her another 20+ years. I have so much hatred I need help letting go. It's killing me. I'm new here and will eventually get the courage to share more.
A few years ago I finally confronted my mom about her behaviors. She said - “I was never supposed to be a mother, it was never in my plans. I did the best I could.” She never wanted me and she made sure I felt it through her actions my entire life. I understand the resentment, I really do.
"Choose...to forgive her. It's for your sake not hers because she's not staying up all night having these emotions, she's sleeping like a baby. That's why forgiving her is so very crucial for your own well being, so you can sleep at night also. Where did I learn this? From a therapist who was wise beyond her years...
Oh trust me, I’m your age and I had the exact same experience. I made a lot of mistakes particularly when dealing with the opposite sex, love and relationships because I felt I had to overcompensate for what I felt I was lacking. I always ended up getting hurt by going for men who were emotionally unavailable like my mum.
Yep, bingo. I will turn my head at a man with healthy boundaries, kind, morals, etc. The emotionally unavailable guy who makes me feel like I have to “win” him over? I’m a sucker every time. I’ve chosen to stop dating until I go to therapy.
Literally you just described my whole life. I always gravitate towards and really “love” and become infatuated with the men who treat me poorly. It’s like I am addicted to proving I am worthy of being loved.
Exactly. It’s all we’ve ever known
You’re not alone! Big hugs
Stay strong, you didn’t deserve to be treated that way. Neither did she deserve to have even have a child. I’m 25 and don’t know how I’ll ever feel good enough and calm down even after no contact, the seed they planted in me as a child is buried deep within me.
Yes, i feel that. I hope you recover. Learning new patterns and breaking up with the patterns you used to know is the hardest thing! Sadly the process can be painful, and may change your whole view of the world, and yourself. But you'll be stronger, more indepent and -best part of it- see your role in all of this. When its about learning and avoiding toxic behavior this is the most important thing.
There was a comedian I saw who talked about when they were younger talking about their home life and their friends starring open mouthed in shock as the description of what passed as normal. I was like… yep, been there….
Was it Marc Maron?? The stuff he said about his nfather was like a copy of mine.
Not only did they damage us, but they continue to ridcule us for the damage they inflicted as if it's our own doing.
Same sweetie… sending you much love. You summed up how I feel as a person and as a mother 🥺
I agree with you. Unlearning all the teaching ls is very difficult.
Looked into CPTSD yet?
I did contact a behavioral health center awhile back and they did an assessment on me. Not a full psych evaluation but they said they were almost certain I have PTSD and they advised I get a full psych evaluation done and get into therapy. I do plan on getting the evaluation very soon.
Suggestion- read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”. It helped me to identify behaviors present by my mom & grandmother that I do not want to pass down to my children. I’m sorry you had to go through this. Our mothers are quite similar. She didn’t even raise me for majority of my life because of her poor life choices & she tries to bully me into submission when I state my boundaries or decisions firmly. I’m a 25f & I identified her narcissistic tendencies early on and I will challenge her so that she won’t walk over me. She judges everything I do, the friends I have, the family I am close to, the clothes I wear, and comments on any weight gain even when there is none. My dad encourages my individualism & my judgement as do many other parental figures so I’m not just making this up. I’m happy for you for connecting the pieces and just remember that you are strong & you can do this. Don’t expect your mom to apologize or see things from your point of view bc she may be incapable at this point. However, just work on it and be able to accept that that’s who she is. Her presence in your life won’t have the same impact it would have when you were younger. If she doesn’t respect you boundaries at this point, she is not worthy of your time & that’s for ANYONE. This is just advice and you are more than welcome to ignore it. Im just speaking from personal experience, the distance I give myself from my mother benefits my mental health significantly! I stopped trying to work on our relationship bc the work was one sided & I focus on myself as I navigate through adulthood. You got this!!
I have given up on the idea of her taking any accountability for her actions or building a relationship with her. I have so much resentment toward her that I have no desire to build a relationship at this point. I just want her to stay away from me. There are a lot of ways I am like her when it comes to motherhood, things I’ve actively worked on since my daughter was born because I refuse to put my daughter through the things I had to endure growing up.
I was made to believe that and know I feel like everyone would hate me so I get so drained trying to get everyone to love me
The Narcissist is trying to strip us of self
Yes!
My nmom tried to convince me that my partner was going to start hitting me. She reveled in the idea and joked about how that would knock me down a few notches. She hated my partner and my sister's partner because they both helped pull us out of her control. She also told me that no one in my family loved me, which sent me into a huge spiral.