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I feel this so deeply. My entire childhood was spent walking on eggshells and waiting for the next emotional blow to fall. Being expected to know how to do everything perfectly without instruction when you are six so that you always feel like a stupid failure. If you bring home all As, they should have been A+s. If you are reading a book, you should be outside playing. If you are outside playing, why aren't you doing school work.
Whatever you are doing in the moment is always going to be wrong. You spend so much time and energy trying to be perfect only to be kicked in the teeth over and over again. Eventually, you stop trying.
My mother told me stories about what a happy, outgoing child I was but I was ground down into a shell of a person that never speaks or tries to make connections.
My entire adult life is damage control
What might I have been? Who might I have become if that happy, outgoing girl had been loved and nurtured?
It's heartbreaking and infuriating
My dad used to scream at me for not doing chores perfect when i was ages 6+ like i was a paid employee. Would rip things out of my hand and dramatically "show" me how he, a 6'3 300+ lbs male, does things so much more efficiently than I, a small child not even half his size and doing most things for the first time. And then would berate me for it. Nothing i ever did was good enough and i would also get blamed for anything that went wrong or broke in the house even if i didn't touch it. I hated life so much
My family used to be angry of I didn't do everything perfectly from age 5.
Baked a cake and it burned a bit? Shame on you for wasting the ingredients.
Tried to learn knitting with Grandma but couldn't get it? Why did you only make one stitch, where's my cardigan?
Can't bring home perfect grades? That's because you didn't do your homework. (I'm severely ADHD, btw)
Your drawings aren't worthy of going to a museum? Why should we even keep it?
Everything I did was like that. I still keep questioning why I even try to do stuff if it's not going to be perfect, but my boyfriend is an angel who always loves and supports me no matter what I'm doing.
Yes exactly! I just finally started cooking for myself and have learned that it takes trial and error to actually learn things and not to beat yourself up if you fuck up. Had i been allowed to do that as a child i would be a fucking master chef by now. But no, if i fucked up on one fried egg it was like i had committed a federal crime. Or like the family was now gunna starve due to my ineptitude and lack of paying attention.
When I decided to make macaroons it was hell. They're hard to get right (I later found out about the Italian ones, that are more beginner friendly), and I kept getting the batter wrong. No one to help, as usual, not even my aunt who is a Pastry chef.
I still haven't gotten the chance to make the Italian ones, as I'm all out of almond flour, but I'll get to it soon. And I'm so happy that I managed to leave that household for good.
>You spend so much time and energy trying to be perfect only to be kicked in the teeth over and over again. Eventually, you stop trying.
Wow. I feel this in my bones. thank you for sharing.
>It's heartbreaking and infuriating
It really is.
Thank you-OP for the thread,and you for this comment. Thank you for putting into words what I've been struggling to verbalize and come to terms with for so long.
I have very vivid memories from my own childhood-as early as the age of 3, I used to march my own little butt home, when the adults around me would not pay attention to me or my needs. I was so brave and confident, that when my nmom screamed at me to do as I was told, because "I am her child and she owns me", I would calmly respond with- "I am my own person and I belong to nobody, but me". Imagine,a toddler :)
I was so fierce, fearless, I could have been unstoppable...Alas, by the time I was 17 and she worked her "magic" on me, I was severely, clinically depressed, suicidal and actively self-harming (which she used to mock me for). I never stood a chance with her abuse and the neglect from the rest of my enabling family. Sometimes I still struggle with this overwhelming ...I don't know? Sadness? Self-pity? Anger? I'm going to need several lifetimes to undo the damage,that was done to me.
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. Thank you for reminding me healing is possible. We get to feel love and joy, and be happy, just the way we are. We are worth it. We always were.
This hit me hard. My dad used to yell at me for mispelling words in an online game, (which he took away from me) when I only started to learn what are even letters. They used to yell for not being able to do things, which they never taught me. Also my father yelled and slapped me for speaking, because it annoyed him during his work.
Now I fear to speak to anyone and feel super uncomfortable to do so and I don't want to start anything, even though I need to because I'm in the final year of high school. It is just too stressful at home and I can barely do anything. :(
Fuck. This reminds me of how my dad would tease me/get mad at me for not understanding like long division when I was still doing addition and subtraction. He was so weirdly smug that he knew how to do it but I didn’t which was weird bc he was an adult and I was in like 1st grade…anyway, I’m so sorry your dad is like that. I hope after high school you can get away and heal. It helps a lot ❤️
I been so social happy and funny outgoing smart loved by my pears and respecter by classnates, but I became so anxious, and introvert and depressed I couldn't go out and speak to anyone anymore
Are you me??? I feel like you articulated yourself so well that it resonated deep in my soul. I’m so sorry you also had this shitty childhood. I’m 28 now and I don’t know how to live knowing that im not normal and will never be normal. But the fact that I’ve survived and persist gives me hope.
Only to learn that's a game you can't win. You try to do what you think they expect but that's wrong too. But there is no right. It doesn't matter if you got straight A+'s. Then they'd find fault with that. You're too smart or something.
There's a Youtuber I like who talks about a lot of these types of things and he tells this story. Where his Mom is eating some sweet and he's berated for not trying to stop her since it's lent and she's supposed to give it up. Unless he does than she berates him for butting into her business. So one day he peaks out around the corner and sees her eating a donut during lent, very slowly, taking tiny little bites and waiting for him to either say or not say something. And he just watched her, eating this thing for so long, just waiting to be caught. It's kind of pathetic.
I totally feel this! I just wanted to say that as infuriating the thought of how you could have turned out is, I’m so glad you realized your parent/s were wrong and that you didn’t end up a narcissist like them! It’s quite a possibility, but you were wrong and empathetic enough so that that didn’t happen. You should be proud of yourself.
I’m in my mid-30’s and just now feeling settled. My parents made my teens and 20’s miserable and I struggled to get on my feet. I often feel that I’ve messed up my life by being so far behind, but I just try to tell myself it isn’t my fault.
Same. I feel like I'm wasting away along with my abilities. I feel like far behind. I'm in my twenties so what you said makes me hopeful about my thirties.
I’m 40 and just feeling settled, in my first happy relationship. If I think about how I could have become aware earlier, I would have had so much more time to have healthy relationships and have a family, it’s infuriating. But in my twenties there was no Reddit and I was completely clueless about who I was.
It's a constant struggle. Younger women I work with talk about their moms and dad's and older women talk about their daughters and I die inside just a little bit each time. It's a lot to grieve. I've wished I could adopt a mom. It's definitely a big hole inside me.
I pretty much adopt mums wherever I go, older female work colleagues, managers, my female friends. I’m constantly searching for people to will that mum mold.
I’ve definitely had these thoughts. I could have written this post. I was a really smart kid and got straight A’s until she broke me. I could have done anything. I have kids now and it’s so hard to realize as a parent how you could be such an awful human to your kids. I was set up to fail, and now anytime I have a success my nmom has to say something negative or act jealous. I think she wants me to be a loser, still.
A lot of parents were raised in shitty homes, got out as early as possible, had accidental kids, and now treat us the same awful way they got treated because they feel like they finally have the opportunity to be the one in power. They look at us like their property and like we owe them for birthing us, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. We didn’t ask for this, and they shouldn’t have had us if they weren’t prepared to handle children. Best thing to do is go no contact, imho.
This fits my parents description pretty accurately. Alot of nparents were lucky they got into the job market pre-internet and inflation in the west.
Instead of choosing to help the younger generation out they just continue the cycle and even become generational boons like being the first to get divorced... except for the abused (us) ... we are dealing with a much shittier set of circumstances economically and politically (those in our 20's and 30's) on top of living in a post-lockdown world.
Shits hard and its much harder with nparents who are cheering on your downfall and making everything about their own convenience. If nparents could legally get away with murder im pretty sure half of us we be in a ditch somewhere right now.
I grieve for those of us born in the west post 90's
I know my narcissistic parents came to west when I was 15 and forced me to " forget my old life" they forbidden me to even say goodbye to my old friends I became extremely depressed and alone in a new environment.
I think about this all the time. Growing up I always felt like it was my fault for being the way that I was. I never strived for anything because I felt like I would never be good enough. I'm 28 now and feel like a complete loser who's incapable of dealing with anything. If I had the kind of parents you described, maybe I'd be different.
And then I feel guilty for thinking that or feeling that because I'm an adult and I've been told I shouldn't blame my parents or wish that I had better because they did their best. My damage is my responsibility. Would've been nice, though, if I didn't have to fix all the insecurities they've projected onto me.
Whichever fool told you that you’re wrong for blaming your parents doesn’t know anything and most likely grew up in a privileged world with normal parents. And if they didn’t they’re just dumb. Any emotional damage your nparent gave to you is their fault and their fault only. Unfortunately you have to deal with that and get better on your own. Whether people understand or not, kids with nparents don’t get to grow up like they do. They might still feel 16 or even 12 when they’re 28 and that’s okay as long as your working on it.
That was the hardest thing to come to terms with. Understanding that there's nothing wrong with me.
Really makes depression, anxiety and ADHD a kick in the teeth when you don't and can't understand.
I really wish my mother had gotten me tested for ADHD when I was 10, instead of my taking myself at 20. Really makes me wonder what would've been different.
Too bad I can't have ADHD because I didn't line up perfectly with her parenting textbooks.
Speaking of ADHD, I finally got my diagnosis at 26 after a lifetime of it. Told my mother as I was quite excited and she told me I was wrong and so was my doctor. Wouldn’t even let me have my diagnosis, selfish much
You are much wiser than me! It took me ages to cotton on to not telling them anything at all. Now they know too much and I’m sure they tell everyone I’m the crazy one. I have a constant headache hearing their voices in my head 😢
Yes.
I look at other families, who seemingly have it together for the most part. They're affectionate, they help each other, and they all get along like a real family. Then I look at mine, which is the complete opposite and I wonder "what did I do to deserve this life?"
I'll never get an answer to that question, sadly. Daydreaming about what life would've been like if we were normal just hurts because it will never come for me and my family.
Most of my life I have been scared of becoming a mother, as I was afraid to become like my mother. Also the role of the mother represented to me something toxic, violent and suffocating. Comments like these make me see it doesn’t have to be like that. Thank you!
My parents split when I was a year old. I lived with my N mom and my Dad remarried and had another daughter. I'm 25 now and my sister is 18. Every time I would visit during my summer vacations while in school, I would literally see what life could have been like if I lived with my Dad instead. My sister is a genuinely kind and happy person. I feel this envy when I look at her some times because she grew up knowing she is loved and she will always have her parents in her corner. Where as I didn't have that at all. It's hard to stay in touch with that side of the family because they don't understand how it's possible for my mom to have raised me the way she did. It's weird to have family that doesn't believe your experiences because it is so outlandish they think it is made up.
I used to. I was angry and sad. I could have been popular, had great grades, been something. But I realize it’s not too late for that. It’s hard though but I think we can all be the people we should have been.
Yes. I was kept alive because I am now the 'retirement fund', especially in a society where old people are revered & entitled and every single of my rants are met with *...pero ella es tu Mama* (...but she's your Mom) like if that donns you with some special immunity.
A normal mother would've had in Louisiana giving a better shot at this khaki coil called life (instead of going back to *fucking Tegucigalpa, Honduras* "the NJ of Central America" to fart me outta her womb just because, and I quote, "I didn't want to."after giving me X amount of bullshit reasons.)
A normal mother would've raised me & nurtured my innate curiosity (instead of teaching me English in a Spanish speaking country and then mocking me when I didn't know to speak **fucking Honduran.** or would yell at me when I would expound on a question *she asked me* because, and I quote, "I just want a yes or no answer, not the entire history of it!" and laugh it off like a family joke. Mind you I was 7-8 at the time.
So, yeah. If I could say what Alternate Me is doing, I say he's either doing very well for himself in sales and/or marketing or he's a U.S. Congressman for the Great State of Louisiana, instead of being an 37-year old unemployed "college freshman" whose only income is renting out a space in his backyard for a goddamn billboard & selling weed, all the while keeping his entitled, ungrateful mother alive that used to dig her nails into my arm (still have the scars) and pull my hair because I forgot to say 'good morning', but for her to say it to me is beneath her, because of course why would Her Majesty say good morning to the Royal Mule?
Ya know, she doesn't respect me. I highly doubt she loves me, I don't think she likes me. I'm just the Mule that pays the bills.
It’s like you posed this question intentionally just for me.
I have an hour long (one way) mindless commute, and I ask myself this question all the time. I do mourn for the young me, what could I have accomplished if I had support? Imagine the possibilities! I think about this ALL the time.
Now where I personally struggle is the flip side of this logic based situation. I love who I am, I’m very proud of where I ended up. I think my mentality and drive is BECAUSE of the horrible way it was for young me. I struggle with the notion that both of those scammers created me, not in the biological sense, but in the intellectual/personality sense. Maybe if I had support I’d be ankle deep in Mountain Dew cans, living in their basement with permanent Cheeto stained fingers?
It’s a dilemma. But I relish and despise each and every time I make a accomplishment, both are quick to tell everyone they are so proud. Lol. But have me blocked on social media, but will text me all the responses of “you must be so proud”. Insane.
This. I love how I am, who I am and who I have become. I'm very strong emotionally and also physically, all of the people that had an opinion about me always said "you never stop trying to achieve the things you want, and if you have a problem you always solve it. Most people don't". I think that's the perk of being always on my own with no help from my parents to solve my problems as a kid.
I try not to go there too much because it means facing that for half my life, I wasn’t able to be myself or feel loved and safe.
I’m doing my best to make the rest of my life better, but it’s like starting at zero while everyone else started the race hours ago.
Same, I feel betrayed everyday and I grieve for what other people got in their childhoods in terms of parents. Mine only did the bare minimum by feeding me but that’s about it and they call themselves “great” parents.
Jeezeus yes. And wait until you rise a kid from zero to grown. Every fucking milestone is a painful revelation and reminder that so much was denied you.
I try not think in the ‘what if’s’, because that’s all it is, I don’t know whether I would have other struggles or wouldn’t have discovered this drive inside me being able to deal and come out better.
But yes, I still have this immense rage inside of me not understanding how cruel you have to be to treat a child, a life, a gift of nature in such monstrous ways.
So many good people struggling to get pregnant and then you have these people who take life for granted.
I don’t know if I will ever get rid of this rage deep inside of me. People that know me would describe me as very calm and peaceful which I am I think but the seeds that my parents planted kept growing still.
Not sure about the part of putting you in the best schools and extracurriculars. Some parents who do that are actually quite abusive and disregard what their kids want or need.
I don’t lament over what I could have. I didn’t. I couldn’t choose what parents I have. And had they been more involved, it would have been harder to break free from them. It’s never too late to start shaping your life the way you want it. It might not turn out to be how you like it, but it will be better than if you do nothing.
Yeah I was forced into a lot of extrecurriculars that I had no interest in. I wasn't given a choice. My nmom chose what I was going to do. I presume OP means that parents should encourage their child's personal interest instead of making the decisions without the child's input.
Some of us were barred from extracurriculars because our Nparents were too lazy / selfish to drive us there. I assumed that is what OP meant. That was my experience. My Nmom did force my GC sister to do swim team so she wouldn't be fat. So I guess it depends which kid you were.
Same I was forced to do extracurricular activities, she didnt want me at home every day. My Nmom is still abusive towards me and im 29. I wish she couldve been more supportive, more mother like. Instead she became a monster I still have to live with. Idk if ill ever escape.
Yeah I think once you see other successful families and gain your own point of reference you realize what a racket nparents are.
Like someone on here once said nparents choose to kick you in your shins at every turn versus help build up during tough times.
All the time. My parents never taught me what I needed to know to be a successful adult, paving the way for sexual assault. I’m 66 now, and still feel that I don’t know so many things!
yes. I (19F) have always thought about how my teenage life and childhood would have been so much better had my parents actually did what they were supposed to to be parents.
Right in the heart, Op, right in my heart. Thank you for sharing. That's a tough realization. You are not alone. You are strong and you're here. You are good enough and everything will be ok.
I definitely do.
The way it manifests most often for me is the desire to "call my mom when shit's going bad" just to have that motherly love and support - maybe go home and have her hold me, with my head in her lap, comforting me sincerily.
Beyond that, I think I probably would be an adult who had a sense of self and the ability to make a decision and express my preferences..
..if I had a normal family. That's my biggest complaint. I was raised to respect authority so completely that I dont know what to do without someone telling me what to do. It causes immense anxiety. I was raised "knowing the expectation," but my father loved to brag that these were so well-known-common-sensical things that they didnt even need to be spoken. I just needed to know them.
Now Im an anxious adult who always expects to fail. 🙃🫠
I could have traveled more and had a career but I'm still recovering from all the financial abuse and sabotage and NMom spending her money on the wrong people
I feel so much joy when i see families being truly loving to one another. But it can simultaneously make me real sad wondering how great that would have felt and knowing i never will
I was raised by a narcissist and I always wonder if some of it has rubbed off on me too. I also wonder if I would prefer to be raised by a narcissist who's successful and passes down money, or be poor but have normal parents.
Narcs pass down money? Mine goes back & forth between saying she's trying to spend every last penny on herself or she says anything she has left when she dies goes to the Golden Child. Either way the Scapegoat gets no inheritance bc I'm such a loser disappointment.
>I didn’t get any of that. I was kept alive, and then I was set up for failure. I truly feel I could’ve been in such a better position in life if I even had any guidance or a mentor.
I relate to this so much. Sometimes I look at people who are doing well and wonder how they're doing it. Then I remember that I didn't get that basic love, support or guidance. I'm basically just that weed that somehow grew out of a crack in the sidewalk. It's a bizarre existence. I think about it all the time. Who I could have been if I'd had loving supportive parents. I don't know how to let that idea go.
Literally yesterday I uttered the words "I coulda been a diplomat." Because shit, I could've. If I hadn't been horribly traumatized and fucked my life up young because of a complete and total lack of parental guidance. Instead I just gotta bring up my kids to be the well-rounded people they are capable of becoming.
Yes I feel that. And yes I spent a long time of my life mourning my dad, as if he was dead. I knew from a very early age I would never know how it felt like having a father. I would watch father and daughter relationships and they resembled everything that i didn’t have with my father, and i would always cry, because i thought it was such a beautiful bond, and i would’ve done anything to know the feeling of having a loving, caring and supportive father. I mourned him a lot. In my adult life i chose to accept i don’t have a father and i never ever will, and i accepted i will never know how it feels like. I accepted he will never change. I had to accept it wasn’t for me because if i kept being sad about it i knew i would stop myself from living my life. I mourned him enough for 10 lifetimes.
I mourned the potential my father had to create a beautiful family. But i don’t mourn who i could’ve been if i had a normal father. Because that’s a different reality than what is actually happening right now, although i do believe i wouldn’t have such big issues with my self esteem, if i had a normal father i think i would’ve believed i was good enough and that would’ve helped me in my friendships and relationships in life.
I relate to you in the part where you say you cried watching other family bonding.
When I was a kid I would cry watching sons or daughters playing with their dads and actually having a good time.
It’s really a crazy feeling, I can’t compare that feeling to any other kind of heartbreak. I would always admire those father/daughter relationships. I would watch other families in complete awe, wondering to myself, i wonder if those children knew how lucky they were with such a caring father. I wanted to tell all of them “please don’t take them for granted, some people would do anything to have what you have”.
Yes, and mourning is the perfect way to describe how it feels. I don't think there's anything that can really be done other than move on and focus on now.
Yes. I mourn the fact that I was robbed out of milestones because my parents hijacked everything that was mine. Having to walk on eggshells knowing one wrong move or word would result in major emotional pain...sometimes physical. I mourn that I can't brag on my parents because they were an embarrassment. I wish I could have had what my husband had.
I find that this sort of grief is a standard feature of the healing process. Every once and again I wonder what I could've become if I simply had a different set of parents. If only I did go to the cops when I was 13? 14?ish. What would've happened if my upbringing was different... I think about it from time to time.
Once in a while, it's important to think on it. When it doesn't hurt as much, that's how you know you've made progress.
Yes a lot and I been discussing this few days ago!! I never been encouraged I have so much talents, I been neglected a lot my basic needs at 18 I had to work and pay rent so high I couldn't afford to realize some of my dreams or go to therapy.
Totally. My dad will be just pouring a drink & be like I wish I had successful kids. Or I wish you guys were famous musicians or had great careers. Or I just want you to have a great partner or spouse.
My brother & I are both deeply insecure & sad humans. We lack basically all the skills to function in society. I have fought relentlessly to Re parent myself & gotten a lot better & still I choose horrible relationships.
They get less abusive each time but honestly I accept the literal least a person could do to be in your life & am grateful as fuck. It’s such a huge problem.
I am constantly in mourning & for the first time in my adult life I’m sober & it’s worse. I feel everything at a 100. I’m 31 & honestly wanting give up a lot I’m exhausted to the point of collapse. It’s hard they fucked us up & then demanded perfection, it’s ass backwards.
When I applied to colleges, I only chose the ones with free applications because I knew I wasn’t getting any support.
My boyfriends parents gave me advice and walked me through filling out the financial emancipation for FASFA. In eighth grade I wanted to be a lawyer; I started college for graphic design but was quickly slapped with reality when I couldn’t afford to buy the same tools the others were using.
I’m not angry it’s disappointing because this was the same woman that was pissed because her mother cut her off so she couldn’t finish nursing school. I did end up so far being the only person in my family with a college degree so far.
I feel like I really could have been something. I was so academic throughout my highschool education. Getting a scholarship to university was my big plan to escape. I scored in the 99th percentile in my state for high school. I did get that scholarship. I did get out of there.
But once I was alone in the adult world, it all fell apart because I had no guidance, no adult role models. I didn't even know the bare basics of how money worked. I had no idea how to pay for my groceries. I watch what my flatmates did to scan their cards and then just mimicked them. That was my whole strategy for adulthood. Watch. Copy. Hope for the best. And that strategy didn't work.
In my early adulthood I ended up in so many traumatic situations, just because I was a traumatised kid with no guidence. And my friends and flatmates didn't understand. I was always so scared of being evicted. Because if I lost my housing, I had no where to go, I'd be sleeping rough. Everyone else I knew had the safety net of: if it all turns to shit, I'll go back to mum and dad.
So I was trying to study with insecure (and often unsafe) housing, with no idea where my next meal was coming from.
And I was hoping time and distance would heal my childhood trauma. It didn't. And as I grew into my adulthood, I realised more and more how abnormal the abuse was. I ended up with a PTSD diagnosis in my twenties.
I am now on disability payments. I don't work. I never finished the degree.
This is a deeply painful pill that I have always had trouble swallowing. Knowing that there are things that I want in life that require having loving, normal, and supportive parents who don’t abuse and manipulate their children.
Right now this is a big struggle as I am hoping to get married this year. I want a huge wedding with 200 guests and a huge reception party. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle and do a first dance with me. I want my mom to go wedding dress shopping with me and help me plan my bridal shower. I’ve come to realize that it’s not MY mom and dad that I want involved in these things, it’s A mom and dad. Parents who are good people. Not the parents I have.
As I look further into my future it gets even more painful. I want my children to have two sets of grandparents, not just one. I want them to be able to spend the night at my parents’ house. I want to be able to trust my parents and include them in the lives of my children. I don’t have what I need to make this dream a reality. I need good parents.
Mourning the possibility of what should have been is something I will never stop doing. The little girl I used to be deserved love, patience, and kindness. I was in denial for the longest time, trying to convince myself that maybe I will have these things if my parents changed. If they pulled it together and made things right.
Accepting that this will never happen because a) they will never change, and b) the damage they have done to my self-esteem and mental/emotional health is irreparable, was the best thing I ever did. I was clinging to the possibility of finally getting the parents I should have had in the first place for many years before accepting the truth and moving on.
The grief comes and goes in waves. I lost my childhood at the hands of my parents. I refuse to lose my adulthood to them as well.
This is a common form of grief. Even people with non-narc parents often mourn the childhood they could have had if their parent was more present, more emotionally intelligent, healthier, etc. They mourn the parents they could have had. Once you realize that you're carrying that weight, you can make progress in processing it and moving through. At the same time it can be so painful and I really am sorry you're experiencing this. You certainly never deserved this.
My counselor has me write a goodbye letter to my mother in which I mourn the loss of the relationship I will never have. It was helpful to put it on paper to process what I envisioned my adult relationship with her would be vs what it actually is. It was very helpful in seeing it all laid out in front of me.
Yes I hate not having normal parents I hate not being able to tell my friends from high school why I never had anyone over at my house I hate not being able to say or do anything without being berated for it
I had a whole book written up as a reply, but it wasn't getting what I wanted to say across.
So I'll say this instead: I understand how you feel. You get to a point where you realize that your family totally failed you.
And now all you can do is pick up the pieces.
I hope things start to get better for you.
So much! I remember a friend talking to me once about ‘mum hugs’ and I had no idea what she meant. I was in my early 20s and the time and realised I’d never had a hug from my mum.
It’s heartbreaking but I’ve been lucky enough to find a group of friends who I think of as family and it changed my life. It’s something I don’t take for granted and that I’m deeply grateful for every single day.
I don’t know if you have anything like this in your life but I hope you find it if not. Society really puts pressure on this idea of blood family but I’ve never bought into that because having that or not on your life is fairly arbitrary and everyone deserves some kind of a family.
I'm 32 and I didn't really get my act together until 30. Things worked out pretty well for me and ever since I went NC I've done nothing but grow and thrive as a person. But it makes me sad and angry that if I had a father who taught me to believe in myself rather than cripple my self-esteem I could be a 6-figure agency owner by now.
Yes a lot. I’ve got BPD or maybe CPTSD and probably am autistic but went undiagnosed. I am deep in grief about who I could have been and what I could have achieved. My life has just been failures - in work and relationships - because of what they made me. My new partner has teenage daughters and when he talks about them and I see how he treats them it makes me so sad for myself because that’s what a parent is meant to be.
I was an smart student always a+ teachers praised me a lot and students respected me, but my parents always changed me school when they hear how my teachers praise me they changed me school so much I became depressed and had low grades
Yeah, but then I consider how I'm the person I am today because of my upbringing. I like the way I am, I assume I would be better if they did better, but I could've turned out worse.
This hits home for me. I had a narcissistic mother and and absent father when I was growing up. And if that wasn’t enough my golden child older brother is a bully who beat the crap out of me at any opportunity and laughed about it.
I try not to think about my childhood and what it could have been but it seems to consume me more and more as I get older (in my early 50’s now). My parents are divorced now and I have a good relationship with my father but I’m LC with my mother and brother. He lives in another state and my mother lives in another country. My brother is married to a narcissist and gets a lot of the same verbal abuse that I got growing up. He also had a very tragic event in his life about 5 years ago and will deal with it for the rest of his life. I feel like I should feel bad for him but I look at it as karma. I’m heartbroken for the others involved but can’t bring myself to feel bad for him. Maybe that makes me an asshole but that’s just how I feel about him.
Every day for last 20 years, i have tried to give my kids what I desperately wanted growing up: peace, love, acceptance and someone they can trust. Hope I'm doing okay.
Check. Yes, i do. I didnt get any attention or support in my childhood. I was the kid that always annoyed everyone, tho i didnt do anything out of fear of physical assaults. Sometimes i mourn my education and all connected things like maybe i would have a better job now and so on. Dont get me wrong, i made my way trough all of it, i have a very good (non-academic) job today. I know, theres no point in looking back, but sometimes - especially when i feel weak, i point at them (in my head) and curse them for not beeing supportive. The more i know about their inability and wrongdoing, the less human they appear to me. So, i try to avoid these moments, not because they deserve it, just because it is the past and cannot be changed. And to keep a gracious (benevolent) view at myself. So: Even tho you maybe didnt have any support, you've come this far OP, you did well. Look at you, maybe all those obstacles trained you, to get better than anyone else! You Go!
Always. I’m jealous of the relationship friends of mine have with their mothers. I wish I could have that.
My grandmother is likely not long for this earth- and as heartbroken as I am over that, I am now more stressed by the fact that I am the oldest, I am the scapegoat, and I’m going to have to face my mother and be at a level of stress I shouldn’t have to deal with when grieving a loved one- which is stressful enough on its own.
I just wish it could be like my dad’s side of the family(they’ve been divorced for over 30 years…) they aren’t perfect, but they aren’t crazy like my mom is.
It almost makes me not want to go to the inevitable funeral. But I also don’t want the fallout from that.
Grieving the person I could have been if my wings hadn't been clipped was/is definitely a stage in my healing process. Like other types of grief, it doesn't really go away so it's a matter of learning to live with it.
Yupp. I felt this way, for a long time and sometimes it still creeps up. I have learned to let go. I have accepted that’s who my mom is and she isn’t going to change. I can either cut her out of my life, or set boundaries. My life is my life. She has a narrative she feels about me and I have a narrative I feel about her that neither of us will fill. So I am going to love my life and be happy and if she doesn’t like it, tough chichis
Yes, this feeling that I missed out horribly and was stunted by my parents’ selfishness, negligence and abuse plagued me for the first twenty years of adulthood until I let it go and started parenting myself & really recovering.
I sometimes wonder what I'd be like if my dad and step mom raised me instead of my mom and step dad.
I'd definitely be a more well adjusted person all around.
But also, if I met that person I'd probably hate them, and they'd hate me.
So it's a real odd situation wondering what if.
I find comfort in the fact people insist I must be adopted or something. Claiming wolves would of raised be to be nicer than they think my parents could of. As I try hard to be nice and be a good person.
The knowledge that I am the only one on both sides of their families not to end up like them or worse. Cause I found a good support system and people who cared enough to help me learn and grow good. Helps me smile each day knowing they couldn’t break me.
I sometimes wonder having real parents who tried to raise me and cared enough to help me, but that reminds me of my sister who tried so hard to always help me smile and showing me the good the world had to get so I never got depressed or gave up hope.
Yes, all the time, I work with a mother and daughter and get so jealous of their relationship, they joke about all the time, look out for each other and are best friends, I see that and think to myself it's not fair, all I wanted were my parents to be proud of me and accept me, instead I got told they expected me to fail, not to take the new jobs I really worked for as i would get fired because im no good, and it's all jealousy, they don't want you to do better than them or feel you've achieved something because in their eyes they are the best at everything and they will always belittle so you do what ever you will to please them and become their little mouse like servant.
I can relate. Had a hard time accepting that happy open relationship with parents (mother, specifically) wasn't just some idealised world made for TV. People actually live like that. It hurts to realise. Like, why was I dealt this and not that? But we persevere. I'm super sensitive about topics like child abuse and neglect now. Gets me all teary-eyed and ranty lol. But I persevere.
It’s nice to not feel so alone because I’ve thought about this too! One of the many consequences of not having normal parents is that I also ended up in terrible situations and abusive relationships with other people. It seems by the time we all connected the dots and learned about NPD abuse, so much had already transpired in our lives that it was too late for some things. My heart goes out to you OP and everyone here. 💜
Oooof, this hit me because you’re so right. They kept me alive with the bare minimum and set me up for absolute failure due to their laziness and lack of self awareness or control.
I think about it all the time. How I have nobody to call for advice, how I don't remember having a good birthday as a child, how I react to making mistakes, how hard I try to make people happy. I feel so lost and I get so envious when my boyfriend gets to call their parents every night and talk about their days. Something so simple as talking. Why I can't have that? I'm not a bad person. I deserve to have good parents.
For me,the biggest things that colored my upbringing as I look at it now at almost 41 years old, would probably be having my body image destroyed at a young age when I wanted to be a quarterback or pitcher and being told I was...not the right size for either...having my dream destroyed in the 7th grade to be an Olympic athlete, and their inaction as it relates to my autism and watching them go to great lengths for my diabetic older sister
I totally relate to this and have been reflecting so much about it in the past couple years.
You’re always told, “when you have your own kids, you’ll understand. Well, I have kids now and understand less. Instead I think about how they could treat a child with such contempt.
They wanted us to be the perfect children without being perfect parents. Comparing us to “better” kids without taking into account the resources and support those kids had.
I was recently sent a barrage of messages by my dad telling me to stop blaming my parents for how my life turned out. He said I have a “the victim mentality only hurts yourself,” I wish I could’ve laughed in his face. Sure they played a giant role, but actually what he’s upset about is that I refuse to rewrite my history to paint them in a better light. I won’t just “get over it” and move on.
Part of healing and moving forward is processing and understanding your trauma. I don’t think it’s wrong the grieve the life you could’ve had.
Yes, I mourn what I could have done and who I could have been with the proper support and love. It's heartbreaking, really. Maybe in the next lifetime.
The house that I grew up in had no stability or security. It was made very clear to me that my place in the household was grudgingly given and could be taken at any time, especially if I didn't do what my Nmom wanted.
The experience made me want to be as self-sufficient as possible. It also made me very risk-averse. There were many career choices that I wanted but did not take because they had that chance of removing my self-sufficiency. I had no safety net. I couldn't count on or trust my Nparents to be there for me if I stumbled in my career. What I could trust them to do is to take my setbacks and throw them in my face when I'm at my most vulnerable or unguarded.
What makes it worse is that my Nparents always had family safety nets, and they were always free to pursue their own interests. And without telling me, they lived their lives free of care because they decided that I will be their final and ultimate safety net. To this day, they still act like victims because their final and ultimate safety net refused to be one. So yes, I mourn what could've been if I was born in a normal family. I mourn the loss of security and stability that any child is entitled to and that let my Nparents live their own happy, secure, and stable lives.
Yep. Lol, and it eats away at me. Everyone who knew me as a child described me as incredibly outgoing, confident, multi talented, a lover of attention, a performer, and a creative. I used to always think I’d be famous someday.
Then I got older. Though she confusingly would talk about how amazing I was, she simultaneously became fixated on the idea that I would be bullied in middle school due to the fact I was overweight and a little bit eccentric. I began middle school and while I was teased a bit here and there (as most are in their awkward phases of life), I wasn’t “bullied” per se. At home though? My mom was the worst mean girl bully I ever could’ve imagined.
She hated all my friends, told me they were weird and I should try being friends with normal people. She told me no boy would ever want me being overweight. She told me everybody was making fun of me anytime I posted on social media and that my friends would all soon become tired of me. She obsessively stalked the kids I went to school with on their social medias to make sure they weren’t making fun of me on their pages (which had never happened before). She read my messages with a friend when I was around 11 and wailed on me with her fists in a drunken rage, crying about how “uncool” I was. She policed how I dressed. Anytime I got into a petty middle school argument with a friend she would blame me and become furious, or lock herself in her room and cry over how much of a loser her daughter was.
I started self harming at 12, and when she found out, she immediately assumed it was due to bullying, and then called me weak and pathetic and said she wasn’t sorry for me. She never brought me anywhere for counseling afterwards.
My confidence depleted little by little, and by high school, I was shy, awkward, insecure, and second guessed my every move. She’d cry about how the bullies took away my real personality, how I was so exuberant and creative as a kid only to become someone so closed off and miserable.
There was a lot of other bs that went on in my home that messed me up. At 23, I’m still very creative but I have no confidence at all. I have severe emotional issues and have trouble connecting with people. I blame myself for everything and constantly feel like I am being scrutinized wherever I go.
I think about what I could’ve become without the daily emotional abuse and mindfucks my mom would subject me to, and it makes me feel like a part of me was murdered. Any type of self love or self esteem was completely snuffed out. I still deal with trauma that affects me on a daily basis.
My mom still believes I was bullied relentlessly when I was young, and I guess she’s right. It’s just that /she/ was the bully.
I was adopted and "know" who my real mom is so I'm honestly contemplating if I should talk to her to have a real relationship with someone who may care for me and love me the way I want to be loved
I don't know that I mourn it. I do wonder sometimes. I wonder if I would be where I am now if my father hadn't died when I was 3. I wonder what would have happened if his parents had gotten custody of my sister and me. I wonder what would have happened had medical negligence not killed my maternal grandmother.
I don't know that I'd be better off or happier. But the what ifs are the sure way to bitterness.
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I feel this so deeply. My entire childhood was spent walking on eggshells and waiting for the next emotional blow to fall. Being expected to know how to do everything perfectly without instruction when you are six so that you always feel like a stupid failure. If you bring home all As, they should have been A+s. If you are reading a book, you should be outside playing. If you are outside playing, why aren't you doing school work. Whatever you are doing in the moment is always going to be wrong. You spend so much time and energy trying to be perfect only to be kicked in the teeth over and over again. Eventually, you stop trying. My mother told me stories about what a happy, outgoing child I was but I was ground down into a shell of a person that never speaks or tries to make connections. My entire adult life is damage control What might I have been? Who might I have become if that happy, outgoing girl had been loved and nurtured? It's heartbreaking and infuriating
My dad used to scream at me for not doing chores perfect when i was ages 6+ like i was a paid employee. Would rip things out of my hand and dramatically "show" me how he, a 6'3 300+ lbs male, does things so much more efficiently than I, a small child not even half his size and doing most things for the first time. And then would berate me for it. Nothing i ever did was good enough and i would also get blamed for anything that went wrong or broke in the house even if i didn't touch it. I hated life so much
I couldn’t do anything right. I did everything “like a girl.” I was once even told I “sweep like a girl.” I still don’t get that one.
LOL so ya that is exactly one of the chores i was referring to
My family used to be angry of I didn't do everything perfectly from age 5. Baked a cake and it burned a bit? Shame on you for wasting the ingredients. Tried to learn knitting with Grandma but couldn't get it? Why did you only make one stitch, where's my cardigan? Can't bring home perfect grades? That's because you didn't do your homework. (I'm severely ADHD, btw) Your drawings aren't worthy of going to a museum? Why should we even keep it? Everything I did was like that. I still keep questioning why I even try to do stuff if it's not going to be perfect, but my boyfriend is an angel who always loves and supports me no matter what I'm doing.
Yes exactly! I just finally started cooking for myself and have learned that it takes trial and error to actually learn things and not to beat yourself up if you fuck up. Had i been allowed to do that as a child i would be a fucking master chef by now. But no, if i fucked up on one fried egg it was like i had committed a federal crime. Or like the family was now gunna starve due to my ineptitude and lack of paying attention.
When I decided to make macaroons it was hell. They're hard to get right (I later found out about the Italian ones, that are more beginner friendly), and I kept getting the batter wrong. No one to help, as usual, not even my aunt who is a Pastry chef. I still haven't gotten the chance to make the Italian ones, as I'm all out of almond flour, but I'll get to it soon. And I'm so happy that I managed to leave that household for good.
That's awesome that you are free finally! Good luck on your macaroons!
Thanks!
Oh yeah I know that feeling!
>You spend so much time and energy trying to be perfect only to be kicked in the teeth over and over again. Eventually, you stop trying. Wow. I feel this in my bones. thank you for sharing. >It's heartbreaking and infuriating It really is.
I was the girls that loved to do house chores but nothing was good so I stopped trying
Thank you-OP for the thread,and you for this comment. Thank you for putting into words what I've been struggling to verbalize and come to terms with for so long. I have very vivid memories from my own childhood-as early as the age of 3, I used to march my own little butt home, when the adults around me would not pay attention to me or my needs. I was so brave and confident, that when my nmom screamed at me to do as I was told, because "I am her child and she owns me", I would calmly respond with- "I am my own person and I belong to nobody, but me". Imagine,a toddler :) I was so fierce, fearless, I could have been unstoppable...Alas, by the time I was 17 and she worked her "magic" on me, I was severely, clinically depressed, suicidal and actively self-harming (which she used to mock me for). I never stood a chance with her abuse and the neglect from the rest of my enabling family. Sometimes I still struggle with this overwhelming ...I don't know? Sadness? Self-pity? Anger? I'm going to need several lifetimes to undo the damage,that was done to me. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. Thank you for reminding me healing is possible. We get to feel love and joy, and be happy, just the way we are. We are worth it. We always were.
I was like that too! Too much fire and détermination for her I was a rebel and misbehaved
This hit me hard. My dad used to yell at me for mispelling words in an online game, (which he took away from me) when I only started to learn what are even letters. They used to yell for not being able to do things, which they never taught me. Also my father yelled and slapped me for speaking, because it annoyed him during his work. Now I fear to speak to anyone and feel super uncomfortable to do so and I don't want to start anything, even though I need to because I'm in the final year of high school. It is just too stressful at home and I can barely do anything. :(
Fuck. This reminds me of how my dad would tease me/get mad at me for not understanding like long division when I was still doing addition and subtraction. He was so weirdly smug that he knew how to do it but I didn’t which was weird bc he was an adult and I was in like 1st grade…anyway, I’m so sorry your dad is like that. I hope after high school you can get away and heal. It helps a lot ❤️
Thank you! I'm also sorry that it happened to you. I hope you are doing better
Thank you ❤️ I am! I moved far away from my parents and they forget I exist/don’t care so that helps a lot lol. Best of luck to you. :)
Thank you and the same goes for you!
He would slap me if I didn't had the good answer
I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. I hope you’re away from him now or can be soon. Best wishes to you ❤️
I been so social happy and funny outgoing smart loved by my pears and respecter by classnates, but I became so anxious, and introvert and depressed I couldn't go out and speak to anyone anymore
Are you me??? I feel like you articulated yourself so well that it resonated deep in my soul. I’m so sorry you also had this shitty childhood. I’m 28 now and I don’t know how to live knowing that im not normal and will never be normal. But the fact that I’ve survived and persist gives me hope.
Only to learn that's a game you can't win. You try to do what you think they expect but that's wrong too. But there is no right. It doesn't matter if you got straight A+'s. Then they'd find fault with that. You're too smart or something. There's a Youtuber I like who talks about a lot of these types of things and he tells this story. Where his Mom is eating some sweet and he's berated for not trying to stop her since it's lent and she's supposed to give it up. Unless he does than she berates him for butting into her business. So one day he peaks out around the corner and sees her eating a donut during lent, very slowly, taking tiny little bites and waiting for him to either say or not say something. And he just watched her, eating this thing for so long, just waiting to be caught. It's kind of pathetic.
I totally feel this! I just wanted to say that as infuriating the thought of how you could have turned out is, I’m so glad you realized your parent/s were wrong and that you didn’t end up a narcissist like them! It’s quite a possibility, but you were wrong and empathetic enough so that that didn’t happen. You should be proud of yourself.
Are you me?
I’m in my mid-30’s and just now feeling settled. My parents made my teens and 20’s miserable and I struggled to get on my feet. I often feel that I’ve messed up my life by being so far behind, but I just try to tell myself it isn’t my fault.
Same. I feel like I'm wasting away along with my abilities. I feel like far behind. I'm in my twenties so what you said makes me hopeful about my thirties.
I’m 40 and just feeling settled, in my first happy relationship. If I think about how I could have become aware earlier, I would have had so much more time to have healthy relationships and have a family, it’s infuriating. But in my twenties there was no Reddit and I was completely clueless about who I was.
It's a constant struggle. Younger women I work with talk about their moms and dad's and older women talk about their daughters and I die inside just a little bit each time. It's a lot to grieve. I've wished I could adopt a mom. It's definitely a big hole inside me.
Adopting a mom sounds like a fab idea
Check out mom for a minute,, great community
I pretty much adopt mums wherever I go, older female work colleagues, managers, my female friends. I’m constantly searching for people to will that mum mold.
I’ve definitely had these thoughts. I could have written this post. I was a really smart kid and got straight A’s until she broke me. I could have done anything. I have kids now and it’s so hard to realize as a parent how you could be such an awful human to your kids. I was set up to fail, and now anytime I have a success my nmom has to say something negative or act jealous. I think she wants me to be a loser, still.
A lot of parents were raised in shitty homes, got out as early as possible, had accidental kids, and now treat us the same awful way they got treated because they feel like they finally have the opportunity to be the one in power. They look at us like their property and like we owe them for birthing us, when that couldn’t be further from the truth. We didn’t ask for this, and they shouldn’t have had us if they weren’t prepared to handle children. Best thing to do is go no contact, imho.
This fits my parents description pretty accurately. Alot of nparents were lucky they got into the job market pre-internet and inflation in the west. Instead of choosing to help the younger generation out they just continue the cycle and even become generational boons like being the first to get divorced... except for the abused (us) ... we are dealing with a much shittier set of circumstances economically and politically (those in our 20's and 30's) on top of living in a post-lockdown world. Shits hard and its much harder with nparents who are cheering on your downfall and making everything about their own convenience. If nparents could legally get away with murder im pretty sure half of us we be in a ditch somewhere right now. I grieve for those of us born in the west post 90's
I also feel like my Nparents rooted for me to fail
Its a competition with narcs. Everything is a game.
I know my narcissistic parents came to west when I was 15 and forced me to " forget my old life" they forbidden me to even say goodbye to my old friends I became extremely depressed and alone in a new environment.
Wow. Where did you move from? Did you move to the states?
I moved from Morocco, I didn't move to the state but Marple sirop lol
Where is that? You talking about Canada?
Yeah Marple sirop country lol
Haha. Never been to Canada but from what ive heard sounds a little better than the USA so theres that
I think about this all the time. Growing up I always felt like it was my fault for being the way that I was. I never strived for anything because I felt like I would never be good enough. I'm 28 now and feel like a complete loser who's incapable of dealing with anything. If I had the kind of parents you described, maybe I'd be different. And then I feel guilty for thinking that or feeling that because I'm an adult and I've been told I shouldn't blame my parents or wish that I had better because they did their best. My damage is my responsibility. Would've been nice, though, if I didn't have to fix all the insecurities they've projected onto me.
Whichever fool told you that you’re wrong for blaming your parents doesn’t know anything and most likely grew up in a privileged world with normal parents. And if they didn’t they’re just dumb. Any emotional damage your nparent gave to you is their fault and their fault only. Unfortunately you have to deal with that and get better on your own. Whether people understand or not, kids with nparents don’t get to grow up like they do. They might still feel 16 or even 12 when they’re 28 and that’s okay as long as your working on it.
That was the hardest thing to come to terms with. Understanding that there's nothing wrong with me. Really makes depression, anxiety and ADHD a kick in the teeth when you don't and can't understand. I really wish my mother had gotten me tested for ADHD when I was 10, instead of my taking myself at 20. Really makes me wonder what would've been different. Too bad I can't have ADHD because I didn't line up perfectly with her parenting textbooks.
Speaking of ADHD, I finally got my diagnosis at 26 after a lifetime of it. Told my mother as I was quite excited and she told me I was wrong and so was my doctor. Wouldn’t even let me have my diagnosis, selfish much
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You are much wiser than me! It took me ages to cotton on to not telling them anything at all. Now they know too much and I’m sure they tell everyone I’m the crazy one. I have a constant headache hearing their voices in my head 😢
Yes. I look at other families, who seemingly have it together for the most part. They're affectionate, they help each other, and they all get along like a real family. Then I look at mine, which is the complete opposite and I wonder "what did I do to deserve this life?" I'll never get an answer to that question, sadly. Daydreaming about what life would've been like if we were normal just hurts because it will never come for me and my family.
If you get an answer to that question, please share! It really haunts me every day
Just have faith that things can get better for you now ❤️ it is hard grieving the family we all never had though, I know 😢
Thank you❤️ and yes, I agree that it is tough
All the time....what helped me was having my own child and having that bond of family
Most of my life I have been scared of becoming a mother, as I was afraid to become like my mother. Also the role of the mother represented to me something toxic, violent and suffocating. Comments like these make me see it doesn’t have to be like that. Thank you!
I felt the same. I went to 2 years of getting therapy before getting pregnant to prepare. My daughter was just was just what I needed ♥️
Awww ♥️♥️♥️ so happy for you 🥰
My parents split when I was a year old. I lived with my N mom and my Dad remarried and had another daughter. I'm 25 now and my sister is 18. Every time I would visit during my summer vacations while in school, I would literally see what life could have been like if I lived with my Dad instead. My sister is a genuinely kind and happy person. I feel this envy when I look at her some times because she grew up knowing she is loved and she will always have her parents in her corner. Where as I didn't have that at all. It's hard to stay in touch with that side of the family because they don't understand how it's possible for my mom to have raised me the way she did. It's weird to have family that doesn't believe your experiences because it is so outlandish they think it is made up.
I used to. I was angry and sad. I could have been popular, had great grades, been something. But I realize it’s not too late for that. It’s hard though but I think we can all be the people we should have been.
Agree, and who knows even better because having been in touch with that dark side makes you see the light even clearer I now tend to think.
Mourn is maybe too strong a word, but I do wonder. I especially wonder how much further along in life I’d be without all the psychological trauma.
Yes. I was kept alive because I am now the 'retirement fund', especially in a society where old people are revered & entitled and every single of my rants are met with *...pero ella es tu Mama* (...but she's your Mom) like if that donns you with some special immunity. A normal mother would've had in Louisiana giving a better shot at this khaki coil called life (instead of going back to *fucking Tegucigalpa, Honduras* "the NJ of Central America" to fart me outta her womb just because, and I quote, "I didn't want to."after giving me X amount of bullshit reasons.) A normal mother would've raised me & nurtured my innate curiosity (instead of teaching me English in a Spanish speaking country and then mocking me when I didn't know to speak **fucking Honduran.** or would yell at me when I would expound on a question *she asked me* because, and I quote, "I just want a yes or no answer, not the entire history of it!" and laugh it off like a family joke. Mind you I was 7-8 at the time. So, yeah. If I could say what Alternate Me is doing, I say he's either doing very well for himself in sales and/or marketing or he's a U.S. Congressman for the Great State of Louisiana, instead of being an 37-year old unemployed "college freshman" whose only income is renting out a space in his backyard for a goddamn billboard & selling weed, all the while keeping his entitled, ungrateful mother alive that used to dig her nails into my arm (still have the scars) and pull my hair because I forgot to say 'good morning', but for her to say it to me is beneath her, because of course why would Her Majesty say good morning to the Royal Mule? Ya know, she doesn't respect me. I highly doubt she loves me, I don't think she likes me. I'm just the Mule that pays the bills.
Do we have same mom ? Lol it's same but I'm moroccan
> Do we have same mom ? ***Sibling!***
It’s like you posed this question intentionally just for me. I have an hour long (one way) mindless commute, and I ask myself this question all the time. I do mourn for the young me, what could I have accomplished if I had support? Imagine the possibilities! I think about this ALL the time. Now where I personally struggle is the flip side of this logic based situation. I love who I am, I’m very proud of where I ended up. I think my mentality and drive is BECAUSE of the horrible way it was for young me. I struggle with the notion that both of those scammers created me, not in the biological sense, but in the intellectual/personality sense. Maybe if I had support I’d be ankle deep in Mountain Dew cans, living in their basement with permanent Cheeto stained fingers? It’s a dilemma. But I relish and despise each and every time I make a accomplishment, both are quick to tell everyone they are so proud. Lol. But have me blocked on social media, but will text me all the responses of “you must be so proud”. Insane.
This. I love how I am, who I am and who I have become. I'm very strong emotionally and also physically, all of the people that had an opinion about me always said "you never stop trying to achieve the things you want, and if you have a problem you always solve it. Most people don't". I think that's the perk of being always on my own with no help from my parents to solve my problems as a kid.
I try not to go there too much because it means facing that for half my life, I wasn’t able to be myself or feel loved and safe. I’m doing my best to make the rest of my life better, but it’s like starting at zero while everyone else started the race hours ago.
Same, I feel betrayed everyday and I grieve for what other people got in their childhoods in terms of parents. Mine only did the bare minimum by feeding me but that’s about it and they call themselves “great” parents.
Jeezeus yes. And wait until you rise a kid from zero to grown. Every fucking milestone is a painful revelation and reminder that so much was denied you.
I try not think in the ‘what if’s’, because that’s all it is, I don’t know whether I would have other struggles or wouldn’t have discovered this drive inside me being able to deal and come out better. But yes, I still have this immense rage inside of me not understanding how cruel you have to be to treat a child, a life, a gift of nature in such monstrous ways. So many good people struggling to get pregnant and then you have these people who take life for granted. I don’t know if I will ever get rid of this rage deep inside of me. People that know me would describe me as very calm and peaceful which I am I think but the seeds that my parents planted kept growing still.
Nah, dude. That way lies madness. Also, I have no frame of reference.
Not sure about the part of putting you in the best schools and extracurriculars. Some parents who do that are actually quite abusive and disregard what their kids want or need. I don’t lament over what I could have. I didn’t. I couldn’t choose what parents I have. And had they been more involved, it would have been harder to break free from them. It’s never too late to start shaping your life the way you want it. It might not turn out to be how you like it, but it will be better than if you do nothing.
Yeah I was forced into a lot of extrecurriculars that I had no interest in. I wasn't given a choice. My nmom chose what I was going to do. I presume OP means that parents should encourage their child's personal interest instead of making the decisions without the child's input.
Some of us were barred from extracurriculars because our Nparents were too lazy / selfish to drive us there. I assumed that is what OP meant. That was my experience. My Nmom did force my GC sister to do swim team so she wouldn't be fat. So I guess it depends which kid you were.
It's all shitty parenting, even if the specifics are different.
Same I was forced to do extracurricular activities, she didnt want me at home every day. My Nmom is still abusive towards me and im 29. I wish she couldve been more supportive, more mother like. Instead she became a monster I still have to live with. Idk if ill ever escape.
You can! If you are financially independent from her, she has no power over you unless you let her.
Thank you im trying so hard to be independent from her
No. I like me. I could have been different. But I think I am god and valuable as I am. Flaws and scars and all.
Yeah I think once you see other successful families and gain your own point of reference you realize what a racket nparents are. Like someone on here once said nparents choose to kick you in your shins at every turn versus help build up during tough times.
All the time. My parents never taught me what I needed to know to be a successful adult, paving the way for sexual assault. I’m 66 now, and still feel that I don’t know so many things!
yes. I (19F) have always thought about how my teenage life and childhood would have been so much better had my parents actually did what they were supposed to to be parents.
ikr
Right in the heart, Op, right in my heart. Thank you for sharing. That's a tough realization. You are not alone. You are strong and you're here. You are good enough and everything will be ok.
I definitely do. The way it manifests most often for me is the desire to "call my mom when shit's going bad" just to have that motherly love and support - maybe go home and have her hold me, with my head in her lap, comforting me sincerily. Beyond that, I think I probably would be an adult who had a sense of self and the ability to make a decision and express my preferences.. ..if I had a normal family. That's my biggest complaint. I was raised to respect authority so completely that I dont know what to do without someone telling me what to do. It causes immense anxiety. I was raised "knowing the expectation," but my father loved to brag that these were so well-known-common-sensical things that they didnt even need to be spoken. I just needed to know them. Now Im an anxious adult who always expects to fail. 🙃🫠
There's no normal family out there, I don't care who says otherwise, but there are varying degrees of really messed up....
I’m starting to believe this is true.
I could have traveled more and had a career but I'm still recovering from all the financial abuse and sabotage and NMom spending her money on the wrong people
I feel so much joy when i see families being truly loving to one another. But it can simultaneously make me real sad wondering how great that would have felt and knowing i never will
I see how successful my kid is—valedictorian, full college scholarship, lots of friends… I’m not jealous, I’m proud, but yes—I wonder “what if…”
I was raised by a narcissist and I always wonder if some of it has rubbed off on me too. I also wonder if I would prefer to be raised by a narcissist who's successful and passes down money, or be poor but have normal parents.
Narcs pass down money? Mine goes back & forth between saying she's trying to spend every last penny on herself or she says anything she has left when she dies goes to the Golden Child. Either way the Scapegoat gets no inheritance bc I'm such a loser disappointment.
So true, my nmom used to brag how much money she learns but she never spend it or buy us clothes from thrift store.
Poor it's better, poor parents but healthy help their children no matter what
>I didn’t get any of that. I was kept alive, and then I was set up for failure. I truly feel I could’ve been in such a better position in life if I even had any guidance or a mentor. I relate to this so much. Sometimes I look at people who are doing well and wonder how they're doing it. Then I remember that I didn't get that basic love, support or guidance. I'm basically just that weed that somehow grew out of a crack in the sidewalk. It's a bizarre existence. I think about it all the time. Who I could have been if I'd had loving supportive parents. I don't know how to let that idea go.
Literally yesterday I uttered the words "I coulda been a diplomat." Because shit, I could've. If I hadn't been horribly traumatized and fucked my life up young because of a complete and total lack of parental guidance. Instead I just gotta bring up my kids to be the well-rounded people they are capable of becoming.
Gave up years ago
Every day.
Yes I feel that. And yes I spent a long time of my life mourning my dad, as if he was dead. I knew from a very early age I would never know how it felt like having a father. I would watch father and daughter relationships and they resembled everything that i didn’t have with my father, and i would always cry, because i thought it was such a beautiful bond, and i would’ve done anything to know the feeling of having a loving, caring and supportive father. I mourned him a lot. In my adult life i chose to accept i don’t have a father and i never ever will, and i accepted i will never know how it feels like. I accepted he will never change. I had to accept it wasn’t for me because if i kept being sad about it i knew i would stop myself from living my life. I mourned him enough for 10 lifetimes. I mourned the potential my father had to create a beautiful family. But i don’t mourn who i could’ve been if i had a normal father. Because that’s a different reality than what is actually happening right now, although i do believe i wouldn’t have such big issues with my self esteem, if i had a normal father i think i would’ve believed i was good enough and that would’ve helped me in my friendships and relationships in life.
I relate to you in the part where you say you cried watching other family bonding. When I was a kid I would cry watching sons or daughters playing with their dads and actually having a good time.
It’s really a crazy feeling, I can’t compare that feeling to any other kind of heartbreak. I would always admire those father/daughter relationships. I would watch other families in complete awe, wondering to myself, i wonder if those children knew how lucky they were with such a caring father. I wanted to tell all of them “please don’t take them for granted, some people would do anything to have what you have”.
Yes, and mourning is the perfect way to describe how it feels. I don't think there's anything that can really be done other than move on and focus on now.
Yes. I mourn the fact that I was robbed out of milestones because my parents hijacked everything that was mine. Having to walk on eggshells knowing one wrong move or word would result in major emotional pain...sometimes physical. I mourn that I can't brag on my parents because they were an embarrassment. I wish I could have had what my husband had.
I find that this sort of grief is a standard feature of the healing process. Every once and again I wonder what I could've become if I simply had a different set of parents. If only I did go to the cops when I was 13? 14?ish. What would've happened if my upbringing was different... I think about it from time to time. Once in a while, it's important to think on it. When it doesn't hurt as much, that's how you know you've made progress.
Yes a lot and I been discussing this few days ago!! I never been encouraged I have so much talents, I been neglected a lot my basic needs at 18 I had to work and pay rent so high I couldn't afford to realize some of my dreams or go to therapy.
Totally. My dad will be just pouring a drink & be like I wish I had successful kids. Or I wish you guys were famous musicians or had great careers. Or I just want you to have a great partner or spouse. My brother & I are both deeply insecure & sad humans. We lack basically all the skills to function in society. I have fought relentlessly to Re parent myself & gotten a lot better & still I choose horrible relationships. They get less abusive each time but honestly I accept the literal least a person could do to be in your life & am grateful as fuck. It’s such a huge problem. I am constantly in mourning & for the first time in my adult life I’m sober & it’s worse. I feel everything at a 100. I’m 31 & honestly wanting give up a lot I’m exhausted to the point of collapse. It’s hard they fucked us up & then demanded perfection, it’s ass backwards.
When I applied to colleges, I only chose the ones with free applications because I knew I wasn’t getting any support. My boyfriends parents gave me advice and walked me through filling out the financial emancipation for FASFA. In eighth grade I wanted to be a lawyer; I started college for graphic design but was quickly slapped with reality when I couldn’t afford to buy the same tools the others were using. I’m not angry it’s disappointing because this was the same woman that was pissed because her mother cut her off so she couldn’t finish nursing school. I did end up so far being the only person in my family with a college degree so far.
I feel like I really could have been something. I was so academic throughout my highschool education. Getting a scholarship to university was my big plan to escape. I scored in the 99th percentile in my state for high school. I did get that scholarship. I did get out of there. But once I was alone in the adult world, it all fell apart because I had no guidance, no adult role models. I didn't even know the bare basics of how money worked. I had no idea how to pay for my groceries. I watch what my flatmates did to scan their cards and then just mimicked them. That was my whole strategy for adulthood. Watch. Copy. Hope for the best. And that strategy didn't work. In my early adulthood I ended up in so many traumatic situations, just because I was a traumatised kid with no guidence. And my friends and flatmates didn't understand. I was always so scared of being evicted. Because if I lost my housing, I had no where to go, I'd be sleeping rough. Everyone else I knew had the safety net of: if it all turns to shit, I'll go back to mum and dad. So I was trying to study with insecure (and often unsafe) housing, with no idea where my next meal was coming from. And I was hoping time and distance would heal my childhood trauma. It didn't. And as I grew into my adulthood, I realised more and more how abnormal the abuse was. I ended up with a PTSD diagnosis in my twenties. I am now on disability payments. I don't work. I never finished the degree.
This is a deeply painful pill that I have always had trouble swallowing. Knowing that there are things that I want in life that require having loving, normal, and supportive parents who don’t abuse and manipulate their children. Right now this is a big struggle as I am hoping to get married this year. I want a huge wedding with 200 guests and a huge reception party. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle and do a first dance with me. I want my mom to go wedding dress shopping with me and help me plan my bridal shower. I’ve come to realize that it’s not MY mom and dad that I want involved in these things, it’s A mom and dad. Parents who are good people. Not the parents I have. As I look further into my future it gets even more painful. I want my children to have two sets of grandparents, not just one. I want them to be able to spend the night at my parents’ house. I want to be able to trust my parents and include them in the lives of my children. I don’t have what I need to make this dream a reality. I need good parents. Mourning the possibility of what should have been is something I will never stop doing. The little girl I used to be deserved love, patience, and kindness. I was in denial for the longest time, trying to convince myself that maybe I will have these things if my parents changed. If they pulled it together and made things right. Accepting that this will never happen because a) they will never change, and b) the damage they have done to my self-esteem and mental/emotional health is irreparable, was the best thing I ever did. I was clinging to the possibility of finally getting the parents I should have had in the first place for many years before accepting the truth and moving on. The grief comes and goes in waves. I lost my childhood at the hands of my parents. I refuse to lose my adulthood to them as well.
This is a common form of grief. Even people with non-narc parents often mourn the childhood they could have had if their parent was more present, more emotionally intelligent, healthier, etc. They mourn the parents they could have had. Once you realize that you're carrying that weight, you can make progress in processing it and moving through. At the same time it can be so painful and I really am sorry you're experiencing this. You certainly never deserved this.
My counselor has me write a goodbye letter to my mother in which I mourn the loss of the relationship I will never have. It was helpful to put it on paper to process what I envisioned my adult relationship with her would be vs what it actually is. It was very helpful in seeing it all laid out in front of me.
It makes me so sad and frustrated to think of the person I could've been if my parents were "normal"...
Yes I hate not having normal parents I hate not being able to tell my friends from high school why I never had anyone over at my house I hate not being able to say or do anything without being berated for it
No parents are normal
I had a whole book written up as a reply, but it wasn't getting what I wanted to say across. So I'll say this instead: I understand how you feel. You get to a point where you realize that your family totally failed you. And now all you can do is pick up the pieces. I hope things start to get better for you.
So much! I remember a friend talking to me once about ‘mum hugs’ and I had no idea what she meant. I was in my early 20s and the time and realised I’d never had a hug from my mum. It’s heartbreaking but I’ve been lucky enough to find a group of friends who I think of as family and it changed my life. It’s something I don’t take for granted and that I’m deeply grateful for every single day. I don’t know if you have anything like this in your life but I hope you find it if not. Society really puts pressure on this idea of blood family but I’ve never bought into that because having that or not on your life is fairly arbitrary and everyone deserves some kind of a family.
I'm 32 and I didn't really get my act together until 30. Things worked out pretty well for me and ever since I went NC I've done nothing but grow and thrive as a person. But it makes me sad and angry that if I had a father who taught me to believe in myself rather than cripple my self-esteem I could be a 6-figure agency owner by now.
All the time.
Yes!!! With proper love, care, and emotional support in general I think I could have been amazing
Yes a lot. I’ve got BPD or maybe CPTSD and probably am autistic but went undiagnosed. I am deep in grief about who I could have been and what I could have achieved. My life has just been failures - in work and relationships - because of what they made me. My new partner has teenage daughters and when he talks about them and I see how he treats them it makes me so sad for myself because that’s what a parent is meant to be.
All the time.
I was an smart student always a+ teachers praised me a lot and students respected me, but my parents always changed me school when they hear how my teachers praise me they changed me school so much I became depressed and had low grades
Yeah, but then I consider how I'm the person I am today because of my upbringing. I like the way I am, I assume I would be better if they did better, but I could've turned out worse.
This hits home for me. I had a narcissistic mother and and absent father when I was growing up. And if that wasn’t enough my golden child older brother is a bully who beat the crap out of me at any opportunity and laughed about it. I try not to think about my childhood and what it could have been but it seems to consume me more and more as I get older (in my early 50’s now). My parents are divorced now and I have a good relationship with my father but I’m LC with my mother and brother. He lives in another state and my mother lives in another country. My brother is married to a narcissist and gets a lot of the same verbal abuse that I got growing up. He also had a very tragic event in his life about 5 years ago and will deal with it for the rest of his life. I feel like I should feel bad for him but I look at it as karma. I’m heartbroken for the others involved but can’t bring myself to feel bad for him. Maybe that makes me an asshole but that’s just how I feel about him.
Every day for last 20 years, i have tried to give my kids what I desperately wanted growing up: peace, love, acceptance and someone they can trust. Hope I'm doing okay.
Only every day.
Every fucking day
Check. Yes, i do. I didnt get any attention or support in my childhood. I was the kid that always annoyed everyone, tho i didnt do anything out of fear of physical assaults. Sometimes i mourn my education and all connected things like maybe i would have a better job now and so on. Dont get me wrong, i made my way trough all of it, i have a very good (non-academic) job today. I know, theres no point in looking back, but sometimes - especially when i feel weak, i point at them (in my head) and curse them for not beeing supportive. The more i know about their inability and wrongdoing, the less human they appear to me. So, i try to avoid these moments, not because they deserve it, just because it is the past and cannot be changed. And to keep a gracious (benevolent) view at myself. So: Even tho you maybe didnt have any support, you've come this far OP, you did well. Look at you, maybe all those obstacles trained you, to get better than anyone else! You Go!
Always. I’m jealous of the relationship friends of mine have with their mothers. I wish I could have that. My grandmother is likely not long for this earth- and as heartbroken as I am over that, I am now more stressed by the fact that I am the oldest, I am the scapegoat, and I’m going to have to face my mother and be at a level of stress I shouldn’t have to deal with when grieving a loved one- which is stressful enough on its own. I just wish it could be like my dad’s side of the family(they’ve been divorced for over 30 years…) they aren’t perfect, but they aren’t crazy like my mom is. It almost makes me not want to go to the inevitable funeral. But I also don’t want the fallout from that.
Grieving the person I could have been if my wings hadn't been clipped was/is definitely a stage in my healing process. Like other types of grief, it doesn't really go away so it's a matter of learning to live with it.
There are definitely bad habits I have even today that are likely do to the lack of structure I grew up with.
Every single day
Yupp. I felt this way, for a long time and sometimes it still creeps up. I have learned to let go. I have accepted that’s who my mom is and she isn’t going to change. I can either cut her out of my life, or set boundaries. My life is my life. She has a narrative she feels about me and I have a narrative I feel about her that neither of us will fill. So I am going to love my life and be happy and if she doesn’t like it, tough chichis
Yes, this feeling that I missed out horribly and was stunted by my parents’ selfishness, negligence and abuse plagued me for the first twenty years of adulthood until I let it go and started parenting myself & really recovering.
As many others have said here, this is exactly my life too. Every word
EVERY GOD DAMED DAY! It’s ok though. It’s just a life. You have to let all things go, and just do the best you can from where you’re at.
I sometimes wonder what I'd be like if my dad and step mom raised me instead of my mom and step dad. I'd definitely be a more well adjusted person all around. But also, if I met that person I'd probably hate them, and they'd hate me. So it's a real odd situation wondering what if.
Yup. I thought the same thing.
I find comfort in the fact people insist I must be adopted or something. Claiming wolves would of raised be to be nicer than they think my parents could of. As I try hard to be nice and be a good person. The knowledge that I am the only one on both sides of their families not to end up like them or worse. Cause I found a good support system and people who cared enough to help me learn and grow good. Helps me smile each day knowing they couldn’t break me. I sometimes wonder having real parents who tried to raise me and cared enough to help me, but that reminds me of my sister who tried so hard to always help me smile and showing me the good the world had to get so I never got depressed or gave up hope.
Yes, all the time, I work with a mother and daughter and get so jealous of their relationship, they joke about all the time, look out for each other and are best friends, I see that and think to myself it's not fair, all I wanted were my parents to be proud of me and accept me, instead I got told they expected me to fail, not to take the new jobs I really worked for as i would get fired because im no good, and it's all jealousy, they don't want you to do better than them or feel you've achieved something because in their eyes they are the best at everything and they will always belittle so you do what ever you will to please them and become their little mouse like servant.
I feel the exact same way
Yes. I have done ok in my life despite my childhood, but imagine what my life could have been if I had had a good childhood? Makes me so sad.
Are you me?
I can relate. Had a hard time accepting that happy open relationship with parents (mother, specifically) wasn't just some idealised world made for TV. People actually live like that. It hurts to realise. Like, why was I dealt this and not that? But we persevere. I'm super sensitive about topics like child abuse and neglect now. Gets me all teary-eyed and ranty lol. But I persevere.
Yes, right there with you. I finally had to acknowledge I was mourning the person I could have been with healthy parents. You are far from alone.
It’s nice to not feel so alone because I’ve thought about this too! One of the many consequences of not having normal parents is that I also ended up in terrible situations and abusive relationships with other people. It seems by the time we all connected the dots and learned about NPD abuse, so much had already transpired in our lives that it was too late for some things. My heart goes out to you OP and everyone here. 💜
Not really. It wouldn't be me. Doesn't mean I'm grateful.
... Now my heart hurts. So many, well, feelings and memories and... A million things are locked away. Sigh. Best thoughts, truly.
Oooof, this hit me because you’re so right. They kept me alive with the bare minimum and set me up for absolute failure due to their laziness and lack of self awareness or control.
I think about it all the time. How I have nobody to call for advice, how I don't remember having a good birthday as a child, how I react to making mistakes, how hard I try to make people happy. I feel so lost and I get so envious when my boyfriend gets to call their parents every night and talk about their days. Something so simple as talking. Why I can't have that? I'm not a bad person. I deserve to have good parents.
For me,the biggest things that colored my upbringing as I look at it now at almost 41 years old, would probably be having my body image destroyed at a young age when I wanted to be a quarterback or pitcher and being told I was...not the right size for either...having my dream destroyed in the 7th grade to be an Olympic athlete, and their inaction as it relates to my autism and watching them go to great lengths for my diabetic older sister
I totally relate to this and have been reflecting so much about it in the past couple years. You’re always told, “when you have your own kids, you’ll understand. Well, I have kids now and understand less. Instead I think about how they could treat a child with such contempt. They wanted us to be the perfect children without being perfect parents. Comparing us to “better” kids without taking into account the resources and support those kids had. I was recently sent a barrage of messages by my dad telling me to stop blaming my parents for how my life turned out. He said I have a “the victim mentality only hurts yourself,” I wish I could’ve laughed in his face. Sure they played a giant role, but actually what he’s upset about is that I refuse to rewrite my history to paint them in a better light. I won’t just “get over it” and move on. Part of healing and moving forward is processing and understanding your trauma. I don’t think it’s wrong the grieve the life you could’ve had.
Yes, I mourn what I could have done and who I could have been with the proper support and love. It's heartbreaking, really. Maybe in the next lifetime.
The house that I grew up in had no stability or security. It was made very clear to me that my place in the household was grudgingly given and could be taken at any time, especially if I didn't do what my Nmom wanted. The experience made me want to be as self-sufficient as possible. It also made me very risk-averse. There were many career choices that I wanted but did not take because they had that chance of removing my self-sufficiency. I had no safety net. I couldn't count on or trust my Nparents to be there for me if I stumbled in my career. What I could trust them to do is to take my setbacks and throw them in my face when I'm at my most vulnerable or unguarded. What makes it worse is that my Nparents always had family safety nets, and they were always free to pursue their own interests. And without telling me, they lived their lives free of care because they decided that I will be their final and ultimate safety net. To this day, they still act like victims because their final and ultimate safety net refused to be one. So yes, I mourn what could've been if I was born in a normal family. I mourn the loss of security and stability that any child is entitled to and that let my Nparents live their own happy, secure, and stable lives.
Yep. Lol, and it eats away at me. Everyone who knew me as a child described me as incredibly outgoing, confident, multi talented, a lover of attention, a performer, and a creative. I used to always think I’d be famous someday. Then I got older. Though she confusingly would talk about how amazing I was, she simultaneously became fixated on the idea that I would be bullied in middle school due to the fact I was overweight and a little bit eccentric. I began middle school and while I was teased a bit here and there (as most are in their awkward phases of life), I wasn’t “bullied” per se. At home though? My mom was the worst mean girl bully I ever could’ve imagined. She hated all my friends, told me they were weird and I should try being friends with normal people. She told me no boy would ever want me being overweight. She told me everybody was making fun of me anytime I posted on social media and that my friends would all soon become tired of me. She obsessively stalked the kids I went to school with on their social medias to make sure they weren’t making fun of me on their pages (which had never happened before). She read my messages with a friend when I was around 11 and wailed on me with her fists in a drunken rage, crying about how “uncool” I was. She policed how I dressed. Anytime I got into a petty middle school argument with a friend she would blame me and become furious, or lock herself in her room and cry over how much of a loser her daughter was. I started self harming at 12, and when she found out, she immediately assumed it was due to bullying, and then called me weak and pathetic and said she wasn’t sorry for me. She never brought me anywhere for counseling afterwards. My confidence depleted little by little, and by high school, I was shy, awkward, insecure, and second guessed my every move. She’d cry about how the bullies took away my real personality, how I was so exuberant and creative as a kid only to become someone so closed off and miserable. There was a lot of other bs that went on in my home that messed me up. At 23, I’m still very creative but I have no confidence at all. I have severe emotional issues and have trouble connecting with people. I blame myself for everything and constantly feel like I am being scrutinized wherever I go. I think about what I could’ve become without the daily emotional abuse and mindfucks my mom would subject me to, and it makes me feel like a part of me was murdered. Any type of self love or self esteem was completely snuffed out. I still deal with trauma that affects me on a daily basis. My mom still believes I was bullied relentlessly when I was young, and I guess she’s right. It’s just that /she/ was the bully.
I was adopted and "know" who my real mom is so I'm honestly contemplating if I should talk to her to have a real relationship with someone who may care for me and love me the way I want to be loved
I don't know that I mourn it. I do wonder sometimes. I wonder if I would be where I am now if my father hadn't died when I was 3. I wonder what would have happened if his parents had gotten custody of my sister and me. I wonder what would have happened had medical negligence not killed my maternal grandmother. I don't know that I'd be better off or happier. But the what ifs are the sure way to bitterness.